|Why Dumpster Diving? Why not?
Does the name 'Dumpster Diving' mean that we threw these reader-supplied gems out with that 3 year old container of cold slaw? Not necessarily.
It does mean that, for one reason or another, we never found the right page in the Free State of PIG to present them, or we simply refused to publish them, until now.
We freely admit that most of these lost 'treasures' made us laugh.
We freely admit that some of them made us gasp before we laughed.
We also admit that some of them made us gasp, laugh, then wonder why some rational adult hasn't increased the voltage on the submitter's shock treatments.
For those, and assorted other reasons, we made the command decision to withhold the name of the submitter. Why? Because we can, and because there's no need to tell the whole world how twisted some of you are.
Fair warning! Dumpster Diving isn't for the faint-hearted, the chronically offended, or anyone else who can't tolerate 'sick', 'edgy' or 'holy crap' class material. The rest of you, uh, thrill seekers will probably make this your home page. There's just no accounting for taste.
Caution: You are about to enter another dimension...The Dumpster Zone.
On your mark, get set, Dumpster Dive!
FOR MEN WITH A DEATH WISH
FOR MEN WITH A DEATH WISH
[The only thing missing from these jokes is: "He never heard the bullet."]
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ... It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
THIS IS TOO PRECIOUS
CONSOLATION, CARTMAN STYLE
HOW ABOUT A KNUCKLE SANDWICH?
HILLARY IMPERSONATING MONICA?
"CLEM! QUIT STARIN' AT YER SISTER!"
FOR HER PLEASURE OR YOURS???
A WARM AND STEAMING WAKE UP
BORN TO BE MILD
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me "I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
HOW DRUNK DOES ONE HAVE TO BE TO EVEN THINK OF THIS!
From comedian Gilbert Gottfried.
Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when a big wad of cum floats to the surface.
One guy looks at the other two and says alright, who farted.
TARZAN LEARNS ABOUT SEX
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. Here she said, pointing between her legs, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BARTENDER
JACKING OFF ON THE JOB
FOUND WHILE SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE DUMPSTER
*Note: PIG's Self-Proclaimed Choirboy of a publisher had some issues with the following, but was reminded of the context of this page. He was also questioned why he was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair and broke out of his straight jacket.
A PIG PSA
AND NOW A WORD FROM 'ROID MAN
Here is a challenge!
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
So, you think you're smart? Let's see how computer literate you are:
WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN?
123490=qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm
THE ANSWER IS BELOW!
PRIME TIME IRAQI TV
Can't Understand Normal Thinking
Do not use corn on the cob as a vibrator, and here's why:
THE THINGS SOME MOM'S DO
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT...
DO THE MATH
WHOSE BEEN NAUGHTY? THE ELF ON THE SHELF
21 pictures the Elf On The Shelf doesn't want you to see:
>>> ELF SHELF >>>
NO CAPTION NEEDED
READING ROOM MATERIAL
AN AUSSIE CIRCUMCISION
That's one shrimp you won't see on the Barbie, mate!
AN EXTRA SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GIFT
>>> Naughty Coal Box >>>
HE "KNEEDED" THAT
FLUSH TWICE! IT'S A LONG WAY TO WASHINGTON
NOTICE ANYTHING SIMILAR?
Both cars are Fords, you racists!
THE MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot..
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too..
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.
DOUBLE DUMPSTER DIPPING IN THE 'HOOD
SCREWING THE SYSTEM
NOT YOUR MOMMIES HALLOWEEN DISPLAY
Is this Halloween display that has come under fire in Dearborn-istan?
An Isis training camp on American soil?
Is the home owner's name Vlad?
Is Hambo jealous he didn't think of this first?
This display is in, drum roll, please, Parma, Ohio.
Does it cross the line of good taste? Who the f**k cares. It's Halloween and the usual Morality Maggots and 'Think of the children' herds are crawling out from under their rocks and out of the wood work crying "Foul!"
Personally, I give them straight A's across the board for creativity, capturing the true meaning and spirit of Halloween and pissing off the right people.
The F.S.O.P. gives them 2 severed thumbs up for their efforts.
For the complete gory story, click below.
>>> Nightmare In Parma >>>
Happy Halloween, Dumpster Diving PIGsters!
FROM THE CHOP SHOP
BOYS WILL BE BOYS
YO, MR. WHIPPLE...
FATHER OF THE YEAR?
THE REDNECK'S QUINTUPLETS
A Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,
“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.”
The Redneck said, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.”
The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.”
THE GREAT OUTDOORS
BRUCE JENNER'S FIRST MODELING JOB
>>> Grammar Lesson >>>
>>> Cider Up >>>
GAME TIME! FIND THE FOOTSIES, THEY ARE THERE
HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS
A retired engineer from Naples, Fl. swears this works.
Go to Home Depot or Wal-Mart and buy a can of black spray paint.
Krylon seems to work the best !!
Stir up each ant mound and the area around it with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the thousands to defend their mound.
Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.
I PITY THE POOR POLE
Honey Boo-Boo's Mama June came up with the biggest brain fart of all time.
She wants to be a pole dancer. Isn't that neat? Yay. On every level this is not an epic fail, it spells Titanical trauma for those either drunk enough or those who want to go blind watching this train wreck.
Just for the record, the Keeper of The Candy Store hopes Hambo has enough barf bags and adult diapers to fathom and visualize this Hambo sized hunka hunka burnin'... Dumpster worthy load.
I stress 'Hunka.'
DO YOU LIKE IT?
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do," she answered.
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it," she responded.
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice
anal sex if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like
Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Barak Obama came from?"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS PLAY WITH SHARPIES
CURB SIDE SERVICE
A FIRST DATE FLICK FOR ASPIRING ROMEO'S?
GET ON YOUR KNEES AND...
MR. WHIPPLE, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting." – Sheryl Crow
MARY, MARY BEING QUITE CONTRARY
ONLY IN THE 'HOOD
WITH MOOCHELLE AS A WIFE, DO YOU BLAME HIM?
DON'T FORGET TO BRUSH AND FLOSS, JUST IN CASE
REMEMBER, IT'S CALLED THE 'DUMPSTER' FOR A REASON
TOO MUCH INFORMATION? YOU BET!
‘I steam clean my VAGINA’ Gwyneth Paltrow makes bizarre admission about her privates
>>> Steamed >>>
*Publisher's Burning Questions: WTF does she stick in there that requires a steam cleaning? Why doesn't she just call Stanley Steemer? Better yet, COIT?
HEY KIDS! IT'S MORE "TICKLES THE CLOWN" TIME
"ONLY WOMEN BLEED" - ALICE COOPER
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?
DON'T FORGET YOUR MEDS
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadroopin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
GOT A MATCH, ANYONE?
NOW, YOU TOO CAN BECOME A HUMAN AIR FRESHENER
Underwear Patch To Make Your Farts Smell Like Mint
After many years and thanks to the collaboration of the world’s best scientific researchers there has been a revolutionary discovery this year: the underwear patch.
This greatest invention of the twenty first century is a patch placed inside the underwear which filters any unpleasant odors to a nice mint smell. Why didn't we think of it before...
And the Nobel Prize goes to...
CANADIAN LOVE GUN: IT DOESN'T SHOOT BLANKS
HANDS DOWN, GO TO WORK!
REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE
NATIONAL GUARD CALLED IN TO RESTORE PEACE IN FERGUSON
IT'S A GUY THING
THE CURE FOR RAGINGS MENSTRUALS?
THAT'S TELLIN' 'EM
JUST THINK. ONE OF THOSE LITTLE SWIMMERS
COULD HAVE BEEN YOU OR ME
SO THAT'S WHY MOMMY WON'T LET ME SEE
WHAT'S IN HER 'TOY' CHEST
FINGER LICKIN' FREAKY
DO THE MATH
HELP WANTED:ISIS HUNTERS
>>> Click Here For Demonstration >>>
VAG MEAT: THE MEAT TO EAT, WITH CAUTION
3...2...1 - DO YOU SEE IT NOW?
BRUSHING UP ON BUSH
HEY KIDS! IT'S TICKLES THE CLOWN TIME
FOR THE DO-IT-YOURSELF-ER
PREFFERED BREAKFAST OF BEN DOVER AND PHIL McCREVISE
THE LOW DOWN ON DOWN'S SYNDROME
A FREUDIAN SLIP OF THE CRAYON?
DRESS CODE VIOLATION OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
NO CAPTION NEEDED
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?
GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!
'MOTHERS' OF THE YEAR?
EXPECT A PHONE CALL
I don't hunt and she needs a hunting partner, so I gave her your name and phone number.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BUD BUNDY
When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.
BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll With 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built – in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!
Wanna see what the Taliban does for fun to goats when they're not busy hating the rest of the world? This is their idea of a gang bang.
>>> Taliban Gang Bang >>>
This guy has the remote to his girlfriends vibrating panties in his pocket.
Look at his hand and watch what happens.
Click the link and enjoy a good laugh as you loiter in our Dumpster.
>>> Good Vibrations >>>
LOST AND FOUND
Hey Hambo! I found this black half ton pick-up in my driveway and I wondered if it belonged to you?
TONS 'O FUN
FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW TIME?
HAVE A SEAT
FOUND IN A SUPERNATURAL CORRECTIONAL FACILTY DUMPSTER
HOW TO PLAY THE ONE-EYED SKIN FLUTE
HE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU
SICK TOONS SCRAPED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE DUMPSTER
THE FRIENDLY SKIES
KEEPING IT REAL
THE FIRST SIGN OF BEING GAY
ON THE MOVE
WINNIE THE POOH MASCOT
How do you manage to get fired the first day in a Winnie the Poo costume?
By putting your costume pants on backwards!
PIG'S OFFICIAL DUMPSTER DIVER TRUCK:
COMING TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD...REAL SOON
ANNUAL HANGOVER FINALISTS
AND THE WINNER IS...
I COULDN'T SHOOT!
I had him in my sights....but I just couldn't pull the trigger!
And then I thought, "Screw it - that's how I'd wanna go!”
This just can't be real!
Don't you just hate it?
You get all dressed up; you're looking hot, smokin' hot!
As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE...
...You forgot the lipstick...the whole look you were after
is gone to hell, right then and there!
AN ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION
WWJD IF NO ONE WAS LOOKING?
For those of you on this page and are ready to condemn us to eternal slow roasting in Hell for this posting, just remember, you are at The Free State Of PIG, not The Free
Church Of PIG.
THE FOLLOWING WERE FOUND IN A DUMPSTER IN THE BARRIO
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
PURCHASING OR LEASING? WHICH IS BETTER?
Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing. I would like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories.
The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.
This is Heather...
On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen, charged $4,000 per night.
This is Kristen...
So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night. This represents a $41.7 million saving for Eliot. What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the aging Beatle. Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are:
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists
* has two legs
Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked. All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.
What does Heather think about this Purchase vs. Lease conundrum?
Where would you rather be?
Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
THE OLD ADAGE STILL HOLDS TRUE...IF IT FLIES, FUCKS, OR FLOATS...RENT IT!
GAME TIME COMES ONLY ONCE A MONTH...LIKE THE CHECK
KKK &THEIR NEW AFFIRMATIVE ACTION POLICY
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE GHETTO WHEN...
THESE TWO TURDS WERE FOUND AT THE VERY BOTTOM
OF OUR DUMPSTER
DR. PORCUS WELBY, M.D. SEZ...
HERE ARE SOME FOLLOW-UP TIPS:
• Bag that trouser trout before letting him out.
• Drape that dragon before riding her wagon.
• Cover your blue veined throbber before you ravish and rob her.
* Wrap that bratwurst before quenching her thirst.
There's more, but as a PSA, Boy Scouts, always be prepared.
IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER
Our crack Dumpster Diver, who shall remain nameless, was hungry and found this somewhere either behind the NFL's headquarters dumpster or Carl's Jr.'s.
For some reason, this Carl's Jr. ad was banned from the Superbowl. All the ad does is feauture a young woman, wandering the desert and nursing a sausage, as if she hadn't eaten in days, savoring every bite.
Poor girl, lucky sausage.
Click the link below and you tell us, what's wrong with this ad. Better yet, ask yourself what's wrong with you for being on this page.
>>> Hide The Sausage >>>
IT'S A RINGER!
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
I looked out my window and what did I see?
A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
HAPPY ENDING TO A NOT SO HAPPY MEAL
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."
I said "Would you care for dessert?"
NASTY? YOU BET. READ ON
Humidity in New Orleans.
A couple of spinster schoolteachers from Boston decided to take their summer vacation in New Orleans. Upon leaving their hotel they are overwhelmed by the hellish humidity.
They wander and they complain. Eventually they wander into the black section of the city, and they see a black woman sitting on her gallery (that's Louisiana for "Porch").
The lady is eating a large slice of watermelon; the following conversation ensues:
1st Spinster: Ethel, look at that lady, she seems to be so cool in this heat.
2nd Spinster: Yes, but I notice she's not wearing panties, could that be why she's so cool?
1st Spinster: Let's ask her.
2nd Spinster: Excuse me miss, but we couldn't help noticing how cool you seem, and we also noticed that you're not wearing panties. Does not wearing panties make you cooler?
Lady on Porch: I don't know about "cool", but it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon!
PIGISH MALE SENSIVITY
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghan neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?
PLEASE, JUST DON'T EVEN ASK.
THIS EXPLAINS IT!
CAUTION: It is highly recommended you take your heart meds before viewing this very disturbing clip.
*Publishers Note: We can't verify if this is real, a stunt or part of a PETA campaign
>>> Bagged >>>
PASS THE BARF BAG, PLEASE!!!
WHERE THE HELL IS PETA WHEN YOU NEED THEM?
*Publisher's Note: Much apologies to mans best friend and their owners. I would feel bad but this is the Dumpster and we hope you had some handy barf bags at your disposal.
Poor dogs. Animal cruelty at it's absolute worst.
In defense of man's best friend I'll provide the following link:
>>> Dogs >>>
NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT, THIS IS UGLY AT IT'S WORST
RUSTIC TIME: HEY, Y'ALL
Porcus has a true confession to make regarding the following.
I took off my usual Halloween costume, tossed it in our Dumpster and found a sneaky Halloween freak called Hambo adorning himself with this.
Please, as a public service favor to innocent folks, if this is seen in your neighborhood on Halloween night, please contact Porcus at once, and hide all of your treats and tell him I look way better in that costume than he and I want that costume back.
Enjoy and watch out. Coming to a neighborhood or website near you on Halloween night.
FILL 'ER UP
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
"I WAS SO EMBARRASED" - PORCUS
THE 2-PLY QUR'AN: IT WORKS IN A PINCH
ATTENTION ALL STEAMING LOADS:
DUMPSTER DIVERS GONE WILD
Do we really need a disclaimer for any of the following?
A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but NO, You said that might hurt."
• • • • • • •
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!
• • • • • • •
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...not a fucking photo-copier."
• • • • • • •
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies,
"Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"
• • • • • • •
Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We are making you a little brother."
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"
• • • • • • •
"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, Like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."
• • • • • • •
My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.
• • • • • • •
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
• • • • • • •
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
• • • • • • •
Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 60. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
• • • • • • •
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
• • • • • • •
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
• • • • • • •
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
• • • • • • •
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
HOW PEANUT BUTTER IS MADE
THE HUNT FOR RED...
BACK DOOR COMMENTS
WAIT 'TIL TIMMY HAS TO TURN HIS HEAD AND COUGH
How to change a Number One into a Number Two.
CALIFORNIA REP. HENRY WAXMAN: YOU CAN'T WAX OFF UGLY
PUCKER UP, ACHMED!
THE MOTHER OF ALL SENIOR MOMENTS
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY
TO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
A GIRLS OTHER BEST FRIEND
SO WRONG, YET SO FUNNY
THE COLONEL REALLY DOES CARE
AW, MOM! SOMEBODY ATE THE EYEBALLS!
TAKE THIS PLAINTAIN AND SHOVE IT!
Anthony Weiner, running in the New York Mayors race, reacts after sharing a moment with a spectator and her plantains, as he takes part in the Dominican Day Parade on New York's Avenue of the Americas.
MOTHER GOOSE: ADULT VERSION
''Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn''
YOU KNOW IT'S LAST CALL WHEN THEY START LOOKING GOOD
FROM THE SAME FOLKS THAT BROUGHT YOU
LOONIE TUNES CARTOONS.
HAPPY AND SAD
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She replied: Out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.
TOON TIME DOUBLE HEADER
WELL, LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN FROM THE DUMPSTER
A PIG PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
TURDS OF A FEATHER FLOAT TOGETHER
PIGsters, please forgive us for posting this, but our roving Dumpster Diver found this image of these two creatures from the black lagoon that would scare the shit out of Frankenstein, or anyone that's white with deep pockets.
Sorry, but we had to post this load of a picture, and no, we do not provide the barf bag you will be needing.
CHARLIE BROWN GETS HIS POUND OF FLESH...TEE HEE
THEY ARE NOT EXTINCT
BIG TRUCKS = SMALL PECKERS?
WELL SAID, LADY
THE GOOD DOCTOR ON HUMAN MECHANICS
COVER IMAGE FOR INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FOR NEW INMATES
...MEANWHILE, ON A VERY SLOW PROTEST DAY FOR SIGN WIELDING JERK-OFFS AND LOITERERS...
CRITTERS. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
Heads ought to roll over this one, and rightfully so!
Why? Have you ever seen such a technically screwed up Photoshop job?
For whoever slapped this together, they ought to be banned from all Photoshopping and online posting of their butchering and sent directly to jail.
On another note, whoever did this, gets an A for making it to the depths of our Dumpster for the subject matter.
GLEAMING THE CUBE: THEORETICAL PHYSICIST STYLE
*Publisher's Note: After the obligatory "Now that's just sick!" Or, "You really crossed the line this time!" comments, admit it, you laughed your ass off!
NO CAPTION NEEDED
THEY LURK IN BAD DREAMS AND ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT
WAX ON, WAX OFF?
IN THE BOONDOCKS, IT'S ALL RELATIVE
IT'S SICK CRAP LIKE THIS THAT MADE US CREATE THIS PAGE!