"As you slide down the
banister of life, may the
splinters never point in
the wrong direction!"
– IRISH BLESSING

 • PIG PLEDGE •
I Pledge Allegiance
To The Way Cool Dudes
That Founded
The Free State Of PIG
Because PIG Is The Place
That Gets In Your Face
Regardless Of
Gender, Orientation
Or Race

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
 • PIG POLL •
MOONBATS
Which Moonbat Deserves A One-Way Trip To Another Galaxy?

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Michael Moore*
Maxine Waters
Any Kardashian
Occutards
 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 

 *Due To Intergalactic Freight Costs, Tonage, Limited Food &
Oxygen Supply, Michael Moore & Any Kardashian Caboose Counts As Two Votes.

AND THE WINNER IS...
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
>>> Read More >>>

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

DUMPSTER DIVERS | PIG'S PRIVATE STASH

Why Dumpster Diving?  Why not?

Does the name 'Dumpster Diving' mean that we threw these reader-supplied gems out with that 3 year old container of cold slaw?  Not necessarily. 

It does mean that, for one reason or another, we never found the right page in the Free State of PIG to present them, or we simply refused to publish them, until now.

We freely admit that most of these lost 'treasures' made us laugh.

We freely admit that some of them made us gasp before we laughed.

We also admit that some of them made us gasp, laugh, then wonder why some rational adult hasn't increased the voltage on the submitter's shock treatments.

For those, and assorted other reasons, we made the command decision to withhold the name of the submitter.  Why?  Because we can,
and because there's no need to tell the whole world how twisted some of you are.

Fair warning!  Dumpster Diving isn't for the faint-hearted, the chronically offended, or anyone else who can't tolerate 'sick', 'edgy' or 'holy crap' class material.  The rest of you, uh, thrill seekers will probably make this your home page.  There's just no accounting for taste.

Caution: You are about to enter another dimension...The Dumpster Zone.

On your mark, get set, Dumpster Dive!


TYPOS!



WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?



DAMN TRUANTS!



EGO BUSTERS



GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!



'MOTHERS' OF THE YEAR?




EXPECT A PHONE CALL


I don't hunt and she needs a hunting partner, so I gave her your name and phone number.
 
Expect a phone call.

 


EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BUD BUNDY


When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.


BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll With 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built – in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!


DAMN COMPETITION



ANIMAL CRUELTY


Wanna see what the Taliban does for fun to goats when they're not busy hating the rest of the world? This is their idea of a gang bang.

>>> Taliban Gang Bang >>>


GOOD VIBRATIONS


This guy has the remote to his girlfriends vibrating panties in his pocket.

Look at his hand and watch what happens.

Click the link and enjoy a good laugh as you loiter in our Dumpster.

>>> Good Vibrations >>>


LOST AND FOUND


Hey Hambo! I found this black half ton pick-up in my driveway and I wondered if it belonged to you?


TONS 'O FUN



TOON TIME!



FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW TIME?



HAVE A SEAT



FOUND IN A SUPERNATURAL CORRECTIONAL FACILTY DUMPSTER



HOW TO PLAY THE ONE-EYED SKIN FLUTE



HE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU



SICK TOONS SCRAPED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE DUMPSTER



THE FRIENDLY SKIES



KEEPING IT REAL



TASTELESS TOONS



THE FIRST SIGN OF BEING GAY



AMEN



ON THE MOVE



WINNIE THE POOH MASCOT


How do you manage to get fired the first day in a Winnie the Poo costume?

By putting your costume pants on backwards!


PIG'S OFFICIAL DUMPSTER DIVER TRUCK:
COMING TO YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD...REAL SOON



ANNUAL HANGOVER FINALISTS


AND THE WINNER IS...


I COULDN'T SHOOT!


I had him in my sights....but I just couldn't pull the trigger!

And then I thought, "Screw it - that's how I'd wanna go!”



LIPSTICK


This just can't be real!

Don't you just hate it?

You get all dressed up; you're looking hot, smokin' hot!

As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.

Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse  of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE...

...You forgot the lipstick...the whole look you were after 
is gone to hell, right then and there!

DAMN !!

 


AN ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION



WWJD IF NO ONE WAS LOOKING?


For those of you on this page and are ready to condemn us to eternal slow roasting in Hell for this posting, just remember, you are at The Free State Of PIG, not The Free Church Of PIG.


THE FOLLOWING WERE FOUND IN A DUMPSTER IN THE BARRIO



THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD



PURCHASING OR LEASING? WHICH IS BETTER?


Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing.  I would like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories.
 
Purchasing
The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.  Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.

This is Heather...

Leasing
On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen, charged $4,000 per night.

This is Kristen...

So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night. This represents a $41.7 million saving for Eliot. What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the aging Beatle.  Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are:
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists
* has two legs

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked. All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

What does Heather think about this Purchase vs. Lease conundrum?

Where would you rather be?

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
 
THE OLD ADAGE STILL HOLDS TRUE...IF IT FLIES, FUCKS, OR FLOATS...RENT IT!


GAME TIME COMES ONLY ONCE A MONTH...LIKE THE CHECK



KKK &THEIR NEW AFFIRMATIVE ACTION POLICY



YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN THE GHETTO WHEN...



THESE TWO TURDS WERE FOUND AT THE VERY BOTTOM
OF OUR DUMPSTER



PERSISTANCE PAYS



DR. PORCUS WELBY, M.D. SEZ...


HERE ARE SOME FOLLOW-UP TIPS:

• Bag that trouser trout before letting him out.

• Drape that dragon before riding her wagon.

• Cover your blue veined throbber before you ravish and rob her.

* Wrap that bratwurst before quenching her thirst.

There's more, but as a PSA, Boy Scouts, always be prepared.


IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER


Our crack Dumpster Diver, who shall remain nameless, was hungry and found this somewhere either behind the NFL's headquarters dumpster or Carl's Jr.'s.

For some reason, this Carl's Jr. ad was banned from the Superbowl. All the ad does is feauture a young woman, wandering the desert and nursing a sausage, as if she hadn't eaten in days, savoring every bite.

Poor girl, lucky sausage.

Click the link below and you tell us, what's wrong with this ad. Better yet, ask yourself what's wrong with you for being on this page.

>>> Hide The Sausage >>>


IT'S A RINGER!



FOOD FOR THOUGHT



TRUTH IN ADVERTISING



FROSTY SCORES!


I looked out my window and what did I see?

Fucking snow!


A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP



HAPPY ENDING TO A NOT SO HAPPY MEAL



GOOD EATS


A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne . 

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."  

I said "Would you care for dessert?"


BUTT OFFICER...


 


NASTY? YOU BET. READ ON


Humidity in New Orleans.

A couple of spinster schoolteachers from Boston decided to take their summer vacation in New Orleans.  Upon leaving their hotel they are overwhelmed by the hellish humidity.

They wander and they complain. Eventually they wander into the black section of the city, and they see a black woman sitting on her gallery  (that's Louisiana for "Porch").

The lady is eating a large slice of watermelon; the following conversation ensues: 

1st Spinster:  Ethel, look at that lady, she seems to be so cool in this heat. 

2nd Spinster: Yes, but I notice she's not wearing panties, could that be why she's so cool? 

1st Spinster: Let's ask her. 

2nd Spinster: Excuse me miss, but we couldn't help noticing how cool  you seem, and we also noticed that you're not wearing panties. Does not wearing panties make you cooler? 

Lady on Porch: I don't know about "cool", but it sure keeps the flies off my watermelon!                


PIGISH MALE SENSIVITY


ONE
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

TWO
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

THREE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghan neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?


PLEASE, JUST DON'T EVEN ASK.



THIS EXPLAINS IT!



BAGGED


CAUTION: It is highly recommended you take your heart meds before viewing this very disturbing clip.

*Publishers Note: We can't verify if this is real, a stunt or part of a PETA campaign

>>> Bagged >>>


PASS THE BARF BAG, PLEASE!!!



WHERE THE HELL IS PETA WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

*Publisher's Note: Much apologies to mans best friend and their owners. I would feel bad but this is the Dumpster and we hope you had some handy barf bags at your disposal.

Poor dogs. Animal cruelty at it's absolute worst.

In defense of man's best friend I'll provide the following link:

>>> Dogs >>>


NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT, THIS IS UGLY AT IT'S WORST



RUSTIC TIME: HEY, Y'ALL



BOO!!!


Porcus has a true confession to make regarding the following.

I took off my usual Halloween costume, tossed it in our Dumpster and found a sneaky Halloween freak called Hambo adorning himself with this.

Please, as a public service favor to innocent folks, if this is seen in your neighborhood on Halloween night, please contact Porcus at once, and hide all of your treats and tell him I look way better in that costume than he and I want that costume back.

Enjoy and watch out. Coming to a neighborhood or website near you on Halloween night.


FILL 'ER UP



LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION



"I WAS SO EMBARRASED" - PORCUS



THE 2-PLY QUR'AN: IT WORKS IN A PINCH



ATTENTION ALL STEAMING LOADS:



DUMPSTER DIVERS GONE WILD


Do we really need a disclaimer for any of the following?

Women…

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but NO, You said  that might hurt."

• • • • • • •

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.                        

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.                                                                                   

I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!

But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!

• • • • • • •

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...not a fucking photo-copier."

• • • • • • •

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies,

"Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

• • • • • • •

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We are making you a little brother."           

The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

• • • • • • •

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, Like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."

• • • • • • •

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all.

• • • • • • •

PIGish Fun

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

• • • • • • •

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

• • • • • • •

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 60. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

• • • • • • •

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

• • • • • • •

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

• • • • • • •

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".

The operator says, "How do you know?"

The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

• • • • • • •

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


HOW PEANUT BUTTER IS MADE



THE HUNT FOR RED...



BACK DOOR COMMENTS



NAILED!



WAIT 'TIL TIMMY HAS TO TURN HIS HEAD AND COUGH



MATH TRICK


How to change a Number One into a Number Two.


CALIFORNIA REP. HENRY WAXMAN: YOU CAN'T WAX OFF UGLY



PUCKER UP, ACHMED!



THE MOTHER OF ALL SENIOR MOMENTS


 


A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY
TO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW


 


BURNT RUBBERS



A GIRLS OTHER BEST FRIEND




SO WRONG, YET SO FUNNY



THE COLONEL REALLY DOES CARE



BABY TALK



THEM...AGAIN!



AW, MOM! SOMEBODY ATE THE EYEBALLS!



TAKE THIS PLAINTAIN AND SHOVE IT!


Anthony Weiner, running in the New York Mayors race, reacts after sharing a moment with a spectator and her plantains, as he takes part in the Dominican Day Parade on New York's Avenue of the Americas.


MOTHER GOOSE: ADULT VERSION


''Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn''
~Sentry~


YOU KNOW IT'S LAST CALL WHEN THEY START LOOKING GOOD



FROM THE SAME FOLKS THAT BROUGHT YOU
LOONIE TUNES CARTOONS.



HAPPY AND SAD


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She replied: Out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.


TOON TIME DOUBLE HEADER



WELL, LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN FROM THE DUMPSTER



A PIG PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT



TURDS OF A FEATHER FLOAT TOGETHER


PIGsters, please forgive us for posting this, but our roving Dumpster Diver found this image of these two creatures from the black lagoon that would scare the shit out of Frankenstein, or anyone that's white with deep pockets.

Sorry, but we had to post this load of a picture, and no, we do not provide the barf bag you will be needing.


CHARLIE BROWN GETS HIS POUND OF FLESH...TEE HEE



THEY ARE NOT EXTINCT



BIG TRUCKS = SMALL PECKERS?



WELL SAID, LADY



THE GOOD DOCTOR ON HUMAN MECHANICS



COVER IMAGE FOR INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO FOR NEW INMATES



BRAGGING RIGHTS?



...MEANWHILE, ON A VERY SLOW PROTEST DAY FOR SIGN WIELDING JERK-OFFS AND LOITERERS...



CRITTERS. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER



THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW


Heads ought to roll over this one, and rightfully so!

Why? Have you ever seen such a technically screwed up Photoshop job?

For whoever slapped this together, they ought to be banned from all Photoshopping and online posting of their butchering and sent directly to jail.

On another note, whoever did this, gets an A for making it to the depths of our Dumpster for the subject matter.


GLEAMING THE CUBE: THEORETICAL PHYSICIST STYLE



DOUBLEHEADER


*Publisher's Note: After the obligatory "Now that's just sick!" Or, "You really crossed the line this time!" comments, admit it, you laughed your ass off!


NO CAPTION NEEDED



THEY LURK IN BAD DREAMS AND ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT



WAX ON, WAX OFF?



IN THE BOONDOCKS, IT'S ALL RELATIVE



IT'S SICK CRAP LIKE THIS THAT MADE US CREATE THIS PAGE!



THAT'LL BE THE DAY



7 MAGIC WORDS


I am going to reveal to you 7 Magic Words. 

With these words you will have a new understanding of issues you have  contemplated at length. 

If these words were spoke years ago we would have entirely different  influences in music and movies, and language. 

If these words were spoken years ago, we would have a much smaller  national deficit. 

If these words were spoken years ago, we would have / had far less  turmoil in America. 

If these words were spoken years ago, we would have all of our great  cities prospering as well as the small towns. 

If these words were spoken years ago, we would have far less violence  and have far less need for gun control.   

Scroll down.....      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"We should have picked our own cotton"


HEY, CHUEY! I DROPPED THE SOAP...AGAIN!!!



D'OH!



BINGO!


Some people think that we don't have any fun in The Villages in Florida.

The excitement of hitting a BINGO in the Senior Citizen's Center.


WTF!



MARDI GRAS COSTUME WINNER



BE SAFE, MY FRIENDS


EMERGENCY MEDICAL ADVICE — URGENT!!!

>>> Click Here For Immediate Relief >>>

 


KERMIT AND HIS TADPOLE



NO! REALLY?



WELL SAID, LINUS



AND NOW, THE ANSWER TO THAT AGE OLD QUESTION...



BEWARE OF THE RED TIDE AND PSYCHOTIC CYCLE



SHE BE STYLIN' WITH HER FLOATING MASTERPIECE



FREAK MOBILES



YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDERMAN



SUITABLE FOR SCRATCHING, TOO



SIGNS OF THE PENDING DOMESTIC APOCOLYPSE



THE CARTOONS OF TIM WHYATT



HOW THE BLACK RACE BUILT THIS COUNTRY


THIS IS FOR ALL YOU RACISTS OUT THERE.

HOW THE BLACK RACE HAS HELPED THE ECONOMY

What people don't realize is how the black race grew our economy higher than it could ever have grown without them.

Example:  When blacks moved into the white areas in the 60's they acted like fools with their jiving around and the whites didn't want to live around that s**t, so they worked two jobs and sold their houses and moved away to the suburbs and built new houses and the forest and lumber industries grew and the hardware stores grew and millions of dollars surged into the economy building roads so the whites could get to and from work.

Then the blacks started robbing and stealing because they were unqualified for jobs because they jived around at school instead of learning and the whites had to buy replacement stuff and the economy grew even stronger.

Since the blacks were unemployed they started hanging around and drinking malt liquor and the malt liquor makers had to expand and add more workers so the economy grew stronger again.

The blacks started shooting people and the hospitals grew and new ones were built and more cops, nurses and doctors were required.

People had to buy guard dogs and security alarm companies grew stronger.

Pet stores then sprung up everywhere to sell stuff for the guard dogs.

Then the blacks were thrown into jail and new jails had to be built and more guards were hired and the economy grew even stronger than before.

Then the blacks went on welfare and the whites had to work harder to support them and the economy grew stronger.

Then the blacks bought fancy cars and the auto industry grew and TV makers were thrilled and whites bought guns and ammunition to keep the blacks out of their stuff so gun manufacturing jobs grew.

Therefore, we owe a lot to the black race so stop being so prejudiced!

PRICE TAG PLACEMENT



HEADLINES



PIG GOES TO THE GUTTER COURTESY OF PIGSTER GM


I went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting. Whew... I knew I made it home OK!

My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night…or as she likes to call it, "foreplay".

After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, I’m good”, and opened a beer…

I woke up this morning at 8, and could felt something was wrong. I got downstairs and found my wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald’s serves breakfast until 10:30.

I bought my wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the carnival last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.


“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


GRAMMER AND VOCABULARY


Definition of Handsome

A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.


CLINTON CORNER


Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Hillary Update:

Bill Clinton was asked about Hillary Clinton's head, to which he replied:
"Well, she's no Monica Lewinsky"


HOT ROD



ONCE YOU GO JACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK



POPPIN' FRESH



SHIT HAPPENS



PIG GOES GHETTO IN DA HOOD: A TOUCHING PICTORAL



WELCOME TO BARNEY FRANKS' POSH, PRIVATE PIXIELAND GETAWAY



DIAPER PRIMER


*Publishers Note: Before you laugh, or choke, remember, there may come a day when you find yourself wearing diapers, again.


STAGES OF LIFE



ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION


 


PIG'S OFFICIAL DUMPSTER DIVER AT WORK



WATCH OUT! COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU



BITCHIN' TEE SHIRT



POLITICAL B-J'S


When the choirboy known as Porcus went to the polls, the last page contained on his ballot was two County measures, titles B and J.

Gee whiz. B&J, or BJ. Does that term ring a bell, both ladies and gentlemen?

When Choirboy saw those measures, he almost bust a gut in laughter.

These are exact transcripts from the Mexifornia ballot and measures.

Now, this being the Dumpster, get on your knees and... Read and do the math and use your imagination.

 

LOS ANGELES COUNTY MEASURES

B Shall an ordinance be adopted requiring producers of adult films to obtain a
County public health permit, to require adult film performers to use condoms while
engaged in sex acts, to provide proof of blood borne pathogen training course, to
post permit and notice to performers, and making violations of the ordinance subject
to civil fines and violations?

J Accelerating Traffic Relief, Job Creation. To advance Los Angeles County’s traffic
relief economic/job growth by accelerating light rail/subway construction and airport
connections, within five years, not twenty, funding countywide freeway, bridge, safety
and traffic flow improvements, fixing potholes; keeping senior, student and diabled fares low; Shall Los Angeles County’s voter approved one-half percent traffic rejief sales tax continue without increase for another 30 years or until voters decide to end it, with independent audits and keeping funds local?


LOOSE LIPS GETS YOUR ASS KICKED



SHIT HAPPENS


This real good looking girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?" I said, you tell me,"there's a tap underneath, go ahead and taste it."
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table. I said to her, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now."
***
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday."
***
"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
***
I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

LADIES, PLEASE EXPLAIN



SUCKAGE



FELLATIO FUNNIES



CONCERNED CITIZENS



TOO MUCH TECH OR JUST A PERV?



AMEN



SOLUTIONS



STILL WANNA STRAP ON THAT SUICIDE BOMB?



NO CAPTION NEEDED



BARF BAG...STAT!!!


 


STEVE JOBS...WHAT A VISIONARY GENIUS



THIS IS HOW THOSE STICK FAMILES START



QUESTIONS



MAKES SENSE TO US



WHACK JOB



THE LITTLE ENGINES THAT COULDN'T


Warning! The following comes from the recesses of what's left of Porcus' mind. It is a piece written in the old National Lampoon magazine. Oh, and speaking of recess, that's Porcus' nickname, based upon the fact that he has no class and that's why I'm here, hanging with Hambo.

THE WIDOW

Once upon a time, there was a young, attractive widow who got more than itchy, but rather, very horny.

In order to satisfy her needs, she advertised a contest. Her rules and conditions of the contest were the following:

Any young man that can climb the greased flagpole in my backyard gets to sleep with me, but if you can't make it to the top, you have to pay the consequences, according to me.

Needless to say, many applied for that job, but she narrowed the applicants down to three.

The three guys show up, rules were explained, and contest commenced.

First guy. He makes it halfway up and slides down.

The hot widow asks, "What does your father do for a living?"

He replies, "He's a butcher."

She then ordered him to drop his pants, got hold of a meat cleaver and lopped off his mahood.

Second guy: He climbed up and made it three quarters up, but slid down.

Her question to him, was, "What does your father do for a living?"

"He's a barber."

She then ordered him to drop his pants, got a pair of scissors and cut off his little Mr. Happy.

Third contestant: Boy, oh boy. This guy started the climb, huffing and puffin,g came so close to making it to the top, but he too, slid down.

She asked, 'What does your father do for a living."

Knowing the rules, he replied, "He makes lollipops. What are going to do, suck it off?"

Needless to say, he won.


KEN AND BARBIE



REVENGE...DUDE STYLE


*Publishers Note: You're on this page for a reason, probably the morbid curiosity factor, but regardless, the following was sent courtesy of PIGster Swine Flew. So there. If you're offended, blame him.

Best Divorce Letter Ever

Dear Connie,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'de never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who came crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

That's why my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every women I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you don't see what I'm getting at. does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderatelty attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'de never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you, and everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met last year at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know , like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots the tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. She put it on the floor and we straddle it, right so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with a copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out that Vicki's into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your sister's cinnamon ring, all i can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan

 


PIG DUSTS OFF IT'S POETRY COLLECTION


A Pause For Poetry

A profound poem by Sir John Suckling, 17th century cavalier poet:

Love is the fart

Of every heart,

For when held in,

Doth pain the host,

But when released,

Pains others most.


AS SEEN ON TV? WE WISH!


From our distinguished friend who did some Dumpster diving and holds an advanced degree in PIGology, ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Mr. Swine Flew tossed this into our Dumpster.

Now, where can we get some of this fine product, you ask? Right here in our Dumpster. Just remember to use it responsibly.


AND NOW, TODAY'S COOKING TIP



"...HEY, LET'S TRY MIKEY. HE EATS EVERYTHING!"



HEY, BOY! BRING BACK A DOGGIE BAG! GOOD DOG!


 
 
 
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By putting your costume pants on backwards!