DUMPSTER DIVERS | PIG'S PRIVATE STASH
|Why Dumpster Diving? Why not?
Does the name 'Dumpster Diving' mean that we threw these reader-supplied gems out with that 3 year old container of cold slaw? Not necessarily.
It does mean that, for one reason or another, we never found the right page in the Free State of PIG to present them, or we simply refused to publish them, until now.
We freely admit that most of these lost 'treasures' made us laugh.
We freely admit that some of them made us gasp, before we laughed.
We also admit that some of them made us gasp, laugh, then wonder why some rational adult hasn't increased the voltage on the submitter's shock treatments.
For those, and assorted other reasons, we made the command decision to withhold the name of the submitter. Why? Because we can, and because there's no need to tell the whole world how twisted some of you are.
Fair warning! Dumpster Diving isn't for the faint-hearted, the chronically offended, or anyone else who can't tolerate 'sick', 'edgy' or 'holy crap' class material. The rest of you, uh, thrill seekers will probably make this your home page. There's just no accounting for taste.
Caution: You are about to enter another dimension...The Dumpster Zone.
On your mark, get set, Dumpster Dive!
...MEANWHILE, ON A VERY SLOW PROTEST DAY FOR SIGN WIELDING JERK-OFFS AND LOITERERS...
CRITTERS. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
Heads ought to roll over this one, and rightfully so!
Why? Have you ever seen such a technically screwed up Photoshop job?
For whoever slapped this together, they ought to be banned from all Photoshopping and online posting of their butchering and sent directly to jail.
On another note, whoever did this, gets an A for making it to the depths of our Dumpster for the subject matter.
GLEAMING THE CUBE: THEORETICAL PHYSICIST STYLE
*Publisher's Note: After the obligatory "Now that's just sick!" Or, "You really crossed the line this time!" comments, admit it, you laughed your ass off!
NO CAPTION NEEDED
THEY LURK IN BAD DREAMS AND ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT
WAX ON, WAX OFF?
IN THE BOONDOCKS, IT'S ALL RELATIVE
IT'S SICK CRAP LIKE THIS THAT MADE US CREATE THIS PAGE!
THAT'LL BE THE DAY
7 MAGIC WORDS
I am going to reveal to you 7 Magic Words.
With these words you will have a new understanding of issues you have contemplated at length.
If these words were spoke years ago we would have entirely different influences in music and movies, and language.
If these words were spoken years ago, we would have a much smaller national deficit.
If these words were spoken years ago, we would have / had far less turmoil in America.
If these words were spoken years ago, we would have all of our great cities prospering as well as the small towns.
If these words were spoken years ago, we would have far less violence and have far less need for gun control.
"We should have picked our own cotton"
HEY, CHUEY! I DROPPED THE SOAP...AGAIN!!!
Some people think that we don't have any fun in The Villages in Florida.
The excitement of hitting a BINGO in the Senior Citizen's Center.
MARDI GRAS COSTUME WINNER
BE SAFE, MY FRIENDS
EMERGENCY MEDICAL ADVICE — URGENT!!!
>>> Click Here For Immediate Relief >>>
KERMIT AND HIS TADPOLE
WELL SAID, LINUS
AND NOW, THE ANSWER TO THAT AGE OLD QUESTION...
BEWARE OF THE RED TIDE AND PSYCHOTIC CYCLE
SHE BE STYLIN' WITH HER FLOATING MASTERPIECE
YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDERMAN
SUITABLE FOR SCRATCHING, TOO
SIGNS OF THE PENDING DOMESTIC APOCOLYPSE
THE CARTOONS OF TIM WHYATT
HOW THE BLACK RACE BUILT THIS COUNTRY
THIS IS FOR ALL YOU RACISTS OUT THERE.
HOW THE BLACK RACE HAS HELPED THE ECONOMY
What people don't realize is how the black race grew our economy higher than it could ever have grown without them.
Example: When blacks moved into the white areas in the 60's they acted like fools with their jiving around and the whites didn't want to live around that s**t, so they worked two jobs and sold their houses and moved away to the suburbs and built new houses and the forest and lumber industries grew and the hardware stores grew and millions of dollars surged into the economy building roads so the whites could get to and from work.
Then the blacks started robbing and stealing because they were unqualified for jobs because they jived around at school instead of learning and the whites had to buy replacement stuff and the economy grew even stronger.
Since the blacks were unemployed they started hanging around and drinking malt liquor and the malt liquor makers had to expand and add more workers so the economy grew stronger again.
The blacks started shooting people and the hospitals grew and new ones were built and more cops, nurses and doctors were required.
People had to buy guard dogs and security alarm companies grew stronger.
Pet stores then sprung up everywhere to sell stuff for the guard dogs.
Then the blacks were thrown into jail and new jails had to be built and more guards were hired and the economy grew even stronger than before.
Then the blacks went on welfare and the whites had to work harder to support them and the economy grew stronger.
Then the blacks bought fancy cars and the auto industry grew and TV makers were thrilled and whites bought guns and ammunition to keep the blacks out of their stuff so gun manufacturing jobs grew.
Therefore, we owe a lot to the black race so stop being so prejudiced!
PRICE TAG PLACEMENT
PIG GOES TO THE GUTTER COURTESY OF PIGSTER GM
I went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting. Whew... I knew I made it home OK!
My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night…or as she likes to call it, "foreplay".
After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, I’m good”, and opened a beer…
I woke up this morning at 8, and could felt something was wrong. I got downstairs and found my wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald’s serves breakfast until 10:30.
I bought my wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the carnival last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
GRAMMER AND VOCABULARY
Definition of Handsome
A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.
A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Bill Clinton was asked about Hillary Clinton's head, to which he replied:
"Well, she's no Monica Lewinsky"
ONCE YOU GO JACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK
PIG GOES GHETTO IN DA HOOD: A TOUCHING PICTORAL
WELCOME TO BARNEY FRANKS' POSH, PRIVATE PIXIELAND GETAWAY
*Publishers Note: Before you laugh, or choke, remember, there may come a day when you find yourself wearing diapers, again.
STAGES OF LIFE
ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION
PIG'S OFFICIAL DUMPSTER DIVER AT WORK
WATCH OUT! COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU
BITCHIN' TEE SHIRT
When the choirboy known as Porcus went to the polls, the last page contained on his ballot was two County measures, titles B and J.
Gee whiz. B&J, or BJ. Does that term ring a bell, both ladies and gentlemen?
When Choirboy saw those measures, he almost bust a gut in laughter.
These are exact transcripts from the Mexifornia ballot and measures.
Now, this being the Dumpster, get on your knees and... Read and do the math and use your imagination.
LOS ANGELES COUNTY MEASURES
B Shall an ordinance be adopted requiring producers of adult films to obtain a
County public health permit, to require adult film performers to use condoms while
engaged in sex acts, to provide proof of blood borne pathogen training course, to
post permit and notice to performers, and making violations of the ordinance subject
to civil fines and violations?
J Accelerating Traffic Relief, Job Creation. To advance Los Angeles County’s traffic
relief economic/job growth by accelerating light rail/subway construction and airport
connections, within five years, not twenty, funding countywide freeway, bridge, safety
and traffic flow improvements, fixing potholes; keeping senior, student and diabled fares low; Shall Los Angeles County’s voter approved one-half percent traffic rejief sales tax continue without increase for another 30 years or until voters decide to end it, with independent audits and keeping funds local?
LOOSE LIPS GETS YOUR ASS KICKED
This real good looking girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?" I said, you tell me,"there's a tap underneath, go ahead and taste it."
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table. I said to her, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday."
"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
LADIES, PLEASE EXPLAIN
TOO MUCH TECH OR JUST A PERV?
STILL WANNA STRAP ON THAT SUICIDE BOMB?
NO CAPTION NEEDED
STEVE JOBS...WHAT A VISIONARY GENIUS
THIS IS HOW THOSE STICK FAMILES START
MAKES SENSE TO US
THE LITTLE ENGINES THAT COULDN'T
Warning! The following comes from the recesses of what's left of Porcus' mind. It is a piece written in the old National Lampoon magazine. Oh, and speaking of recess, that's Porcus' nickname, based upon the fact that he has no class and that's why I'm here, hanging with Hambo.
Once upon a time, there was a young, attractive widow who got more than itchy, but rather, very horny.
In order to satisfy her needs, she advertised a contest. Her rules and conditions of the contest were the following:
Any young man that can climb the greased flagpole in my backyard gets to sleep with me, but if you can't make it to the top, you have to pay the consequences, according to me.
Needless to say, many applied for that job, but she narrowed the applicants down to three.
The three guys show up, rules were explained, and contest commenced.
First guy. He makes it halfway up and slides down.
The hot widow asks, "What does your father do for a living?"
He replies, "He's a butcher."
She then ordered him to drop his pants, got hold of a meat cleaver and lopped off his mahood.
Second guy: He climbed up and made it three quarters up, but slid down.
Her question to him, was, "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a barber."
She then ordered him to drop his pants, got a pair of scissors and cut off his little Mr. Happy.
Third contestant: Boy, oh boy. This guy started the climb, huffing and puffin,g came so close to making it to the top, but he too, slid down.
She asked, 'What does your father do for a living."
Knowing the rules, he replied, "He makes lollipops. What are going to do, suck it off?"
Needless to say, he won.
KEN AND BARBIE
*Publishers Note: You're on this page for a reason, probably the morbid curiosity factor, but regardless, the following was sent courtesy of PIGster Swine Flew. So there. If you're offended, blame him.
Best Divorce Letter Ever
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'de never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who came crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
That's why my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every women I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you don't see what I'm getting at. does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderatelty attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'de never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you, and everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met last year at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know , like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots the tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. She put it on the floor and we straddle it, right so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with a copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out that Vicki's into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your sister's cinnamon ring, all i can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?
PIG DUSTS OFF IT'S POETRY COLLECTION
A Pause For Poetry
A profound poem by Sir John Suckling, 17th century cavalier poet:
Love is the fart
Of every heart,
For when held in,
Doth pain the host,
But when released,
Pains others most.
AS SEEN ON TV? WE WISH!
From our distinguished friend who did some Dumpster diving and holds an advanced degree in PIGology, ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Mr. Swine Flew tossed this into our Dumpster.
Now, where can we get some of this fine product, you ask? Right here in our Dumpster. Just remember to use it responsibly.
AND NOW, TODAY'S COOKING TIP
"...HEY, LET'S TRY MIKEY. HE EATS EVERYTHING!"
HEY, BOY! BRING BACK A DOGGIE BAG! GOOD DOG!
© Copyright 1993-2013 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette