CARD / VICTIM VOUCHER BENEFITS:
Jump to the front of the admissions list in
Amerika's top universities
Gotta hire me, can't fire me, job protection.
Your red carpet to the gravy train, as a
job-for-life government employee.
First refusal on those enriching
Win fame and fortune as a victim of police
brutality and/or profiling.
Your get out of jail free card when you
to burn, loot, rob and riot.
Your passport to separatist clubs, colleges,
pageants, student organizations and
Obligates guilt-ridden liberals and media
sludge to hang on your every word, no
matter what kind of drivel you're spewing.
No matter how rich, successful or famous
you get, the Voucher proves that you're
still a victim.
the Race Card" is a familiar phrase...one some of
us use routinely. Ironically, those most likely to play the
race card - Ethnocrats - are the ones least likely to use
this phrase. Most of the time, it's deployed by the vast right-wing
conspiracy, but even such champions of sovereign individualism
as libertarians and objectivists are prone to using it.
phrase's meaning knifes through the facade of Ethnocrat self-pity,
to the very heart of victimism. At its pathetic core, victimism
is raw, irrational emotion. Surrounded by their cocoon of
hypersensitivity, Ethnocrats view life through race-tinted
glasses. The race card is part and parcel of this world view.
the race card? It's perceiving racial motives where none exist.
It's detecting racial animus in benign, everyday occurrences...occurrences
utterly devoid of racial intentions, implications, or overtones.
the race card is blatant, Ethnocrat racism.
that we understand 'playing the race card', what, you're wondering,
does PIG intend to do about it? We're delighted that you asked.
Recognizing the race card's inherent limitations - it only
protects the melanin-enriched, and melanin-advantaged - PIG
decided to extend pity protection to all the properly-hyphenated.
Boldly going where cringing Ethnocrat cretins fear to tread,
PIG perpetrated the ultimate in 21st Century coddling: PIG's
soon to be legendary Victim Voucher.
the obsolete race card and its intolerable racial profiling,
PIG's Victim Voucher gives the same protection to tree huggers,
NO-NAD's and GLAAD BAGs. Our Voucher empowers the victim to
feel oppressed, anywhere, anytime, whenever the mood strikes
them. Leaving no stone unturned, PIG also created Victim Validation
Voucher for bleeding heart pinko liberal scum, a card that
enables these Neo-Marxists to 'validate' oppressive outrages
when no victim in good standing is there to do the deed. Don't
wait a moment longer. Go out there and celebrate your oppression
with your very own Victim Voucher. Don't leave home without
1: While driving, you accidentally cut off another
car. The driver you cut off responds with the 'one finger
salute'. Thanks to your Voucher, you're a victim of hate
2: Your terminally grumpy coworker doesn't say 'Good
Morning'. Thanks to your Voucher, you can nail the asshole
as a 'racist', 'sexist', 'homophobe', or 'environmental
3: A cop stops you for a minor traffic infraction.
Thanks to your Voucher, you can sue the socks off him
for being a 'racist', 'sexist', or 'homophobic' profiler.
4: Your boss promotes a coworker citing 'merit'. RUN,
don't walk, to your nearest EEOC office, redeem your voucher
and get that undeserved promotion.
PIG's Victim Voucher has many more uses which will enable you to enjoy countless
other shortcuts and free rides. Your Card or Voucher
entitles you to act as liberally and irresponsibly as the moment dictates.
getting even now! It's so damn simple even you can do
it: download or copy the Voucher of choice to your hard
drive; print it out; cut along dotted lines; stow in in
your wallet next to your food stamps. Now, go out there
and make Whitey miserable! Don't hog all the fun; download
enough for the whole family! We even have a 'Lil Sniveler
Starter Kit for the kids in case their school ran out!
now on, instead of having to go through all the trouble
of having Jesse Jackson or Johnnie Cochrane fight your
battles, you can do your own whining. Keep your Voucher
handy, and remember: when in doubt, whip it out.
- COLLECT 'EM ALL!
Come In A Variety of Politically Correct Approved
Gay & Lesbian Alliance of Annoying
Dykes, Boys & Alleged Girls.*
*Alleged Girls covers Bi, Tri, Quadra,
Poly, Transsexuals and Crossdressers.
Authorized to use these sacred GLAAD
BAAG terms: 'homophobic' and/or 'homophobe'.
Confers hate crime victim status. Empowered
to demand a job from any/all tradtitional
family values outposts, including churches,
Parochial Schools, the Boy Scouts. Entitled
to a paid day off on such GLAAD BAAG
holidays as: Anniversary of Matthew
Shepard's death, Judy Garland, Marilyn
Monroe, or Madonna's Birthday, plus
is given time off - with pay - to get
tarted up for the Gay Pride Prance-a-Thon.
HEART RED for ULTRA LIBERAL
LIBERAL: You know who you are and
so do we: Ivory Tower Eggheads, So-Called
'Activists', 'Progressives', Recessives,
Depressives, Class Warfare Cretins,
Parasite-Coddling Neo-Marxist Asshats
and assorted other individual liberty-hating,
pathetically paranoid Capitalism-phobic
Authorized to deem anyone to the right
of Karl Marx 'the new Hitler'. Empowered
to repeal property rights to save the
endangered cesspool cockroach and assorted
other irrelevant critters. Entitled
to mug American achievers and divide
the spoils among your parasite asshat
friends. Obligated to be bellowing,
aromatic, irrational and a complete
waste of breathable air.
WITH PENIS ENVY for NO-NAD's
National Organization of Nasty Angry
know you anywhere: bra-less hefty bags
in flannel shirts and sensible shoes who
recoil whenever someone reminds you that
there's another gender. If you're dude-phobic,
you gotta carry this card. It's probably
the only way we'll realize that you're
- technically - female.
Granted unconditional immunity for any/all
irrational acts perpetrated during the
Periodica*. Empowered to have any male
co-worker fired the instant you feel
sexually harassed by his expressions,
gestures, actions or thoughts. Entitled
to declare a consensual sexual encounter
a 'date rape', if, at any time in your
life you come to regret it. Authorized
to proclaim patriarchal oppression whenever
life zings you with a reality check.
Obligated to keep Gloria Allred's phone
numbers on your speed dial, at all times.
Must observe a moment of silence, daily,
to commemorate those virgins who gave
'it' up to an oppressor during the past
24 hours. *Periodica: a ritual bloodletting
ceremony performed every 28 days.
FUDGE BROWN for XXX - LARGE HIPPO'S
Humongous Indescribable Plodding
Use: If you can get your catcher's
mitt of a hand into your pocket,
present this non-edible
voucher to that smart-ass ticket
counter at Southwest Airlines
who tells you that charging your
double-wide ass the price of two
seats is like cramming 10 lbs.
of shit into a 5 lb. bag. Also
handy at the all-you-can-stuff-in-your-face
buffet tables. Just show the manager
this voucher and he/she personally
offer you 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th
helpings as long as you promise
not to eat any customers. Pass
those pork chops! Pronto!!