HAMBO'S LAWS | THE HAM COMMANDMENTS

HAMBO'S LAWS

An elected tormentor's (alleged) "value" to this nation is inversely proportional to the number of years he, she, heshe or it has been swilling at the public trough. (The longer it has been in office, the bigger "load" he, she, heshe or it is.)

In most American companies, the lifespan of a given policy is shorter than the firm's documentation cycle. (By the time they print it and post it, it's already obsolete.)

A Pop (Music) Tart's remaining shelf life is measured with this formula: SL = (Cans - Bulk) / (Yotsq + PBS). (Cans is her bra size, bulk her dress size, Yotsq is her years over 20 squared, and PBS is the age when she did her first Playboy spread.)

The suckage of a product touted on the radio is inversely proportional to the speed and length of the shyster spew at the end of the ad. (The faster they talk, the longer it lasts, the more likely it is that the product reeks.)

A thespian's ego is inversely proportional to his, her, hisher or its intelligence. (Actors are so full of themselves that they can't see how stupid they are.)

"Anyone but him/her" is a virtually infallible way to determine who will be promoted to run your department. (Simply look around for the one who elicits the strongest "anyone but them" response.)

A teenage dude's attention span - in milliseconds - is calculated by dividing his I.Q. by the length (squared) of his wang in operating condition. (Known problems: when he's in heat, his intellect is too low to count; he'll lie about his size.)

A given candidate's suitability for office is inversely proportional to the amount of advertising he, she, heshe or it perpetrates. The more you see, or hear, his name, the more unreliable he is likely to be.

Individual liberty is inversely proportional to the size of government. The more government expands, the more powerful it gets, the more control it asserts over sovereign individuals, the more your inalienable individual liberty is restricted.

In the twilight zone called journalism, there are certain givens. One 'given' is that the most likely words to follow a lead about a risk taking dolt dubbed an ‘Adventurer’ are, in no special order: stranded, lost, missing, injured and killed.

Anyone can spawn, but those who are least prepared for parenthood are the ones who are most likely to play reproduction roulette with the human gene pool.

You probably won't find Sheriff Andy Taylor in rural America, but every town has its Barney Fife.

Hambo’s Homeowner’s Association Axiom: No tyranny is more oppressive than the despotism perpetrated by those self-appointed behavior arbiters who gravitate to that egregiously anti-liberty cabal, the homeowners association.

Hambo’s Roundball Rule of Thumb
The more oppressors you see on the basketball floor at a given time, the less likely it is that you’re watching an NBA game.

Hambo's Marketplace Theorem
For every asinine, intrusive, liberty infringing bureaucratic action, there is an equal, and opposite, liberty restoring marketplace reaction.

Hambo’s Customer Service Equation
The quality of customer service you get from an outpost of capitalism is inversely proportional to the size of the business. The smaller the business the better the service because a small business can’t afford to alienate anybody.

Hambo’s Aviation Law
The words most likely to appear in any headline about a homemade aircraft are "crashes" and "pilot dies".

Hambo’s Multicultural Law
For Multicultural meatheads, a culture’s value is inversely proportional to its impact. The more obscure, insignificant, pathetic or barbaric a given culture is, the more noble it becomes in Multicultural meathead eyes. Bonus points are given to any pissant culture that blames all its woes on Western Culture, Capitalism, or - TA DA - America itself.

Hambo's First Law of Entertainment
If an E! True Hollywood Story hit piece is the Losers Lounge of the entertainment industry, then a reality show on a cable television channel is its Green Room.

Hambo's Law of Mecca Mania
The degree of liberty within a given region, is inversely proportional to the percentage of Mecca Maniacs within that population. The higher the percentage of Mecca Maniacs, the lower the degree of liberty.

Hambo's Profit Break Law
When you turn on the boob tube or boom box, the probability that you'll land on a commericial break is directly proportional to your level of boredom. (The more bored you are, the more likely you are to hit a commercial.)

Hambo's Nutrition Theorem
A food's ranking on the Food Nazi hit list is inversely proportional to how much you enjoy eating it. I.E., the better it tastes, the more likely it is that some Food Nazi wants to ban it.

Nutrition Theorem Corollary
The louder the CSPI complains about a given food, the more likely you are to love eating it.

Hambo's Fun Food Fact
The better it tastes, the higher the probability that your doctor would have a hissy fit if he caught you eating it.

Hambo's Food Nazi Heartburn Axiom
If you want to partake of a good meal which is guaranteed to give Food Nazis heartburn, patronize any eatery which is featured on Guy Fiere's 'Diners, Drive-Ins, Dives'.

Hambo's First Rule of Parasites
A host (achiever) can thrive without the parasite, but the parasite dies without its host.

Hambo’s Political Scandal Rule of Thumb
If the first word out of the news nitwit’s mouth isn’t REPUBLICAN, you can bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor that the sleazy Elected Tormentor is a Demoncrat.

Hambo’s First Law of Enlightenment
Never ask me a question, if you’re not prepared to handle an unrestrained Hambo answer.

Hambo's Technology Axiom
Eventually, all programmable whiz bangs will be hit by the twin terrors of technology: a computer virus and a porn application.

Hambo’s Law of Sugar-Coated Tyranny
The more sugar-coated the name on a piece of Legicrap, the greater its infringement of your inalienable liberty.

Hambo's Media Circus Law:
No news story qualifies as a legitimate Media Circus, until the Media Slut In Red (Gloria Allred) gets her on camera face time.

Hambo's First Inconvenient Truth:
The time interval between your purchase of an item and its loss - or destruction - is inversely proportional to the price you paid. In other words, the more you pay, the shorter the time you'll have it: I.E., those $300 sunglasses won't last a fortnight, but that $10 pair will be with your forever.

Hambo's Elected Official Axiom:
At any level of government, an elected official's trustworthiness is inversely proportional to his years in office. [The longer he, she, heshe, or it has been feeding at the public trough, the more likely they are to be a liar, a thief, and a scumbag.]

Hambo's Warbler Law: The listenability of any singer is inversely proportional to the number of bumping and grinding guys 'n gals on stage with him, her, himher, or it. [The more 'distractions' a warbler deploys, the more their singing is likely to suck.]

Hambo's Defensive Eating Law: When confronted with food you don't recognize, don't be a hero. Wait for someone else to try it first. It's better to be a witness at their coroner's inquest than to be the guest of honor at yours.

Hambo's Character Building Consequences Axiom: Although character building begins when things go wrong with your 'best laid plan', it's not an official character building episode, until you start swearing.

Hambo's Diminishing Returns Law:
The definition of a video signal is inversely proportional to the size of the screen used to watch it. [As the definition of a video signal climbs higher and higher, the screen a technotard uses to view it gets smaller and smaller.]

Hambo's Filmmaker Axiom
When you're in front of the camera you're just a piece of meat. But, when you're behind the camera, you're a filmmaker, the driving force behind the creative process.

Hambo's Popcorn Axiom
When two groups of lefties battle each other, there's only one thing to do: break out the pop corn and an adult beverage; settle down in your favorite chair; enjoy the spectacle.

Hambo Alert: If you enjoyed Hambo's Laws, it's a slam dunk that you'll like: Hambo's Theories

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