The usual, legends in their own mind, suspects are so full of themselves and it, they’re already, mentally, measuring the Oval Office for new drapes. Although the next Oval Office Derby is two years away, these POTUS pretenders are already gearing up for the next presidential election cycle. Predictably, the likely candidates are far from impressive. There isn’t a hint of the Gipper in any of them. At best, the outlook is bleak, but it gets downright depressing, if The One gets re-elected.
We the PIGs are ahead of the curve...yes, again...like we were in the run-up to 2008, when we did our best to Nudge the Nuge into making a POTUS run. We knew, at the time, that we’d be hard pressed getting one of America's rugged individuals, Ted Nugent, to throw his hat into the ring. We still think he's what's needed to give America the kind of kick ass, no bull crap, get back to basics, leadership it requires in these troubled times. Despite that, We the PIGS were still bummed when Ted, for reasons of his own, didn't pick up his bow and arrows, then go hunting for the Nanny State venerating legends in their own minds, who were seeking the highest office in this land. We the PIGs will probably Nudge the Nuge again, because Ted is, our last, our best, hope for a rational adult winning the Oval Office. Unhappily, since Ted is a rational adult, he doesn't want the job. We don't blame him, given the political cess-pool our Elected Tormentors created inside the D.C. Beltway.
Once again, we have searched high and low for a rational adult on the political scene and couldn't find one. We searched far and wide among America's sovereign individuals, but couldn't persuade any of them to pick up the fallen 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' banner. They wouldn't be RATIONAL adults if they were willing to seize Uncle Sam by the throat and shake him until he cuts the crap and gets back to properly-constitutional basics.
Bummed, but determined to field a PIG-worthy Oval Office candidate, our elite selection committee met in private session. After a sufficient quantity of adult beverages were ingested, frustration reared its ugly head. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. If we can't find a 'rational' adult, why not go for the gold, and throw our support behind a suitably IRRATIONAL adult?" After a memorable melee, somebody said 'it', and that easily, an insane idea was born.
It? The selection committee realized that, while they were searching high and low, far and wide, a suitably irrational Oval Office candidate was right under their noses, skulking through the hallways of the PIG Bunker. In fact, he got the ball rolling by posting this prose on his PIG page:
I have more or less given up hope that a rational adult - one who is up to speed on the restrictions the constitution places on the government and no shit means to govern under those non-negotiable limitations - will ever be elected president. On the other hand, if someone wants an irrational adult, I am superbly qualified.
My campaign platform would be the "Monkeywrench" plan. As soon as I took office, I would spend every minute before I was impeached, jamming a monkeywrench into the gears of government. That would involve firing anyone and everyone I could within the federal bureaucracy, shutting down entire federal cabals by refusing to allocate the money to them, and generally creating a Gordian Knot-class mess that it will take DECADES to unravel.
Irrational? Why deny it, since he freely admits it? Like we said, a few moments ago, desperate times, desperate measures. How desperate are we? Very, and ‘Hambo for President’ proves it. His primary POTUS plan is essentially the same, but it now includes a chain saw, cattle prods and land mines, in addition to his trusty monkeywrench. You might think We the PIGs have lost our minds, but, before you make that call, you should get up to speed on certain essential Hambo campaign planks.
Plank: Downsizing the Bloated Behemoth
Hambo would order each member of his cabinet to submit a list of at least 5 government agencies that can be eliminated, and a comprehensive plan for scuttling them. When PIG asked him about this idea, Hambo said "F**K this trimming the Nanny State around the edges. It’s time to throw away the cuticle shears and get out the CHAIN SAW."
Plank: Border Jumping Scumbags go BOOM!
After liberating Arizona from (InJustice Department Bondage), Hambo will instruct his new Homeland Security Secretary, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, to deploy a full scale, fully activated, version of the Free State of PIG’s Landmine Lotto along our border with Mexico.
Sheriff Joe...HSS Joe...will also be given ample transport aircraft to ‘export’ any Colonistas found lurking, without permission, in the USA. First time offenders will be ‘air dropped’ - yes they’ll have parachutes - at the southernmost tip of South America, Terra Del Fuego. Repeat offenders, will be air dropped farther from home - they get to choose between the Gobi Desert and the Sahara Desert.
Plank: Making Congress More ‘Responsive’ to ‘We the People’.
Each Elected Tormentor in Congress will be accompanied, wherever he, she, heshe, or it, goes while performing in an ‘official’ capacity, by one of their constituents. Ideally, it should be a constituent who DIDN’T vote for him, her, himher, or it. Armed with a fully charged cattle prod, the constituent would, periodically, uh, enlighten, their designated Elected Tormentor, by putting the cattle prod to good use. Hambo assures you that this will make Congress VERY responsive to We the People.
Plank: Foreign Policy
Hambo doesn't tolerate fools, and has no patience whatsoever, when it comes to the kind of word games perpetrated by our foreign policy experts. If he resists the urge to order a tactical nuclear strike on the State Department, on his first day in office, he'll probably fire every damn person lurking there and, personally, frog march them out of the building. With those mealy mouthed fools out of our misery Hambo would give every nation in the world a reality check. How? You'll love it.
Every Monday morning, he'd give his personal assistant - he's determined to give Kendra, formerly from 'Girls Next Door', the job - his latest list of 'asshat countries'. Kendra would arrange for the top diplomat from each country on the list to meet me in the Oval Office, where they would have the name of their country written down and put inside Uncle Sam’s top hat. Then, a randomly chosen American would get to pull out the name of the winner.
The name of the winner will be announced and its ambassador informed that his nation will be nuked, immediately, for being a pain in Uncle Sam’s butt. This mushroom cloud reality check will remind all the other pissant nations who dodged that nuclear bullet why they don’t want to screw with us. (Hambo promises to repeat the process, until the pissant punks get the message.)
Hambo explains this policy with these utterly presidential words: "What's the point in being the meanest dog on the block if you don't bite someone occasionally, to engender the proper respect?"
Plank: Privatize the Airwaves
Since the airwaves never were, and never should be the property of "the public", Hambo would force Uncle Sam to renounce any pretense of owning them. The airwaves are - and should be - the rightful property of the broadcasters who give them value. Hambo would return control of the airwaves to the marketplace, where it belongs. The FCC would be out of the content business and put to work on their original task: making sure that broadcasters don’t trample on each other’s signal.
If Brent Bozell, Donald Wildmon and others of that ilk don’t like what these new airwave owners are doing with their property, they should grab their own patch of the electromagnetic spectrum and broadcast their own ‘safe for the kiddies’ programming.
If Dingy Harry Reid and San Fran Nan are tired of VRWC, they will be forced to grab their own piece of the electromagnetic spectrum. Maybe they can find a way to make rational adults tune in on lunatic lefty whining. It’s probably doomed to failure, but watching another liberal boom box network bite the dust would be very entertaining for President Hambo.
Would the ensuing, privatized airwaves, programming deluge be butt ugly in many cases? You bet, but that’s a price you pay when you live in a nation that does more than give lip service to inalienable individual liberty.
Plank: Presidential News Conferences
Hambo has vowed to meet with the press on a daily basis. Knowing that, by and large, a White House press conference is a well-known cure for insomnia, Hambo has promised to make his encounters must see, T.V. He vows to electrify his audience by making the reporters draw straws. That luck short straw earns the rare honor of being tasered by the President of the United States.
Do you want a president whose idea of a ‘hot line’ is having a direct connection to the best pizza joint in town? You’ll get him when you punch a chad for Hambo.
Do you want a president who will wage war on Nanny State bloat by taking a meat axe to the federal alphabet soup: EPA, DEA, EEOC, FDA, IRS, etc? Hambo is the man with the monkeywrench plan.
Do you a want a president whose ‘inner circle’ includes Old Betsy and her pumped up brother, Big Bang? You’re talking Hambo, again, Sparky.
Do you want a president with the vision to propose a trial lawyer hunting season? Hambo’s your man.
Do you want a president whose idea of a state dinner is a kegger with the burgers and pizza served by the Hooters hotties? Hambo’s the man to git ‘er done. Hell, if you play your cards right and he’ll send you an invitation.
Do you want an utterly irrational adult who will scare the snot out of Islamikazes, Commie scumbags, Nanny State Nitwits, Korrectniks, and neo-Marxist meatheads? Hambo’s the man for the job.
Do you want a loose cannon who will really send lefty Tinsel Town loons fleeing for Europe? You know what you’ve gotta do, Sparky.
Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Hambo.