you smoking those funny cigarettes again, Sparky? What makes you
think PIG wants to hear about your petty problems? We are so not
interested in listening to you whine, but, since you fell for
such an obvious trap, we do have some pre-packaged...wisdom.
any of these factoids fits your boring ass problem, feel free
to use it. We wouldn't throw a fit if you sent us some dead presidents
as a thank you, but won't lose any sleep waiting for you to shed
those greenbacks you're hoarding in your mattress.
the item(s) from this list that seems most suitable for your asinine
leave your car with an auto mechanic whose favorite tool is his
probably won't find Sheriff Andy Taylor in rural America, but
every town has its Barney Fife.
dude knows he's terminally hen-pecked when he's in a life-threatening
situation and his life passes before her eyes.
of enthusiastic amateurs. The phrase 'I'm trying out a new recipe'
is the culinary equivalent of the military term: INCOMING!
'Good Samaritan' is Mother Nature code for a future human gene
pool improvement candidate.
sport that includes the word 'extreme' in its name is, at best,
insanely dangerous, and is, in reality, little more than organized
suicide with an eager audience cheering the testosterone-poisoned
participants to their doom.
tyranny is more oppressive than the despotism perpetrated by those
self-appointed behavior arbiters who gravitate to that egregiously
anti-liberty cabal, the homeowners association.
A so-called 'living wage' is nothing more elaborate than the much
more familiar 'minimum wage'...on steroids.
Network television sucks, because it spends too much time being
politically correct and too little time presenting intellectually-stimulating
nation comprised entirely of CEO's, MBA's, shysters, political
hacks and burger flippers is never going to invent anything except
every regulatory action, there's an equal - and opposite - marketplace
students stay in college, piling up degrees, until their deep-pocket
daddy - or, daddy-in-law - offers them a job.
don't need to be a career asshole to own a cell phone, but it's
a slam dunk that every hell on wheels asshat owns at least one
of the damn things.
assertion that the International Organization of People Who Are
Bigger Than The Goodyear Blimp are campaigning to repeal the law
of gravity is only a slight exaggeration.
governments obsession with road signs, speed limits and traffic
signals reeks of authoritarianism and the naked aggression of
a Fascist police state.
Oppressors: Visiting D.C. can be very hazardous to your freedom.
Based on D.C.'s Draconian in the extreme hate crime law, you can
be charged with a hate crime for breathing, if the local authorities
decide to nail your lily-white ass.
Government Cess-School Inmates: We're sorry your mandatory government
cess-school incarceration doesn't include meaningful training
in such mundane topics as reading, writing and arithmetic, so,
today, we're going to teach you to say 'white male oppression'
with genuine, heartfelt emotion.
trust a company whose shyster-imposed product disclaimer is longer
than the 'meat' of their advertisement.
you hear a company announce than an executive is "leaving to pursue
his own interests", it's the employment equivalent of "Help! I've
fallen and I can't get up."
embody all those annoying personality quirks that we hate when
perpetrated by an alleged human.
Logic to a bureaucrat is like garlic to Dracula.
incompetence is built upon the bedrock of the infamous bureaucrat
triple threat: affirmative action hiring; government school graduates
in positions of authority; granting government contracts to the
is your best defense against all flavors of propaganda...left-wing
and right-wing. If that's too much trouble for you, then you deserve
the kind of country you get.
squad satellite networks are 21st century televangelism's globe-spanning
the very people who bellow the loudest about personal accountability
- "Being responsible for your own actions" - the god squad, are
the ones most likely to undermine personal accountability by invoking
is still A, except in Talibanma, Kansas, and Utah.
only have as much power as the listener bestows on them.
can bet the farm that the 'Kick Me' sign hanging on Uncle Sam's
back reads 'Made In China'.
who perpetrate self-parody by adopting a group identity shouldn't
be shocked when a rational individual administers the occasional
pinprick with pointed humor.
speech is not a gift bestowed on you by a benevolent government.
Free speech is your inalienable birthright.
Nobody is more hateful than a campus way lefty who runs aground
on bitter, inalienable individual liberty-based reality.
Ivory Tower eggheads extol the benefits gained from racial diversity
on campus, they neglect to tell, whomever, that these 'diverse'
racial groups stare at each other, across an Ivory Tower-perpetrated,
self-segregated void, from such great distances they need a Hubble
Telescope to see each other.
correctness is a predictable byproduct produced by intellectual
lethargy. It's much easier for intellectual flat-liners to outlaw
entire areas of well-reasoned discourse than it is to re-animate
their flabby, intellectual muscles.
A critical mass of 'real people' either don't own, are completely
mystified by, or lost the operator's manual for that ubiquitous
household fixture: the mirror.
are a disposable, easily replaced, limited-use commodity. It's
highly unlikely that any of them will achieve the long term success
of Aerosmith, Kiss, Johnny Cash or the Rolling Stones.
as much mileage as possible from a cute face and bubbly personality,
Britney Spears is an unremarkable alleged singer whose only musical
asset is a boob job.
boys will be thrilled to hear that spanking the monkey won't stunt
your growth, nor will it make you go blind.
the interest of public safety, anyone who thinks Jerry Lewis is
a genius should be, automatically, banned from driving.
real reason that the bra-burners in flannel shirts hate men is
because dudes can take a whiz standing up.