KULTURE | GOLDEN OINKS AWARDS 2012

It’s that silly season again when lazy "alleged" journalists around the globe start taking the easy way out when facing a looming deadline by running and end of the year awards list up the flagpole. Is PIG going to stoop that low to meet our Top Story Deadline on a holiday weekend? You better damn believe it, Sparky.

Why would you expect us to pass up a chance to salute the good guys and administer some PIGish bitch-slaps on the richly deserving. We scoured our own archives, solicited suggestions from you our devoted PIGsters, sampled the lunacy that passes for journalism in the 21st century, then searched low and lower for those qualified to be honored or pummeled by one of PIG's Golden Oinks of the Year.

PIG's Golden Oinks Selection Committee singles out the following individuals and/or groups for special PIG attention for their amazing, amusing, and or inspiring antics during 2012.

Golden Oinks of the Year : December 28, 2012

{Perpetrated by Hambo & Porcus}

Political Metaphor of the Year: When Clint Eastwood interrogated an invisible Messiah Barry in that empty chair he connected with rational adults, from sea to shining sea. It built up steam, then burst upon the American landscape on September 3rd, when full of smirky glee, rational adults kicked Labor Day to the curb and replaced it with Empty Chair Day.

Creepy Cupid Award: He's a well known, 72-year-old, movie star. She's a 27-year-old wench named E'Dena Hines. They've been getting horizontal and squishy for at least a decade.

She's the granddaughter of his first wife (his step granddaughter), whom he and his now estranged second wife raised since she was a very young wenchlet. Now, she believes what pappy/grandpappy is telling her: you're going to be Mrs. Morgan Freeman, any day now, sweetness.

There's just one speedbump ahead for this Creepy Cupid pair. If Morgan's divorce is perpetrated in open court, his creepy coupling with a wench whom he raised since she was a wee wenchlet will spawn sordid headlines. It might not meet the technical definition of 'incest', but, given the 'raised her from a young child' fun fact, virtual incest is still in play.

Diversity Dimwits of the Year: After performing with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra several years, the members of two high school choirs from Cobb County (Georgia) were dropped from the gig. Had the Lassiter High School and Walton High School choirs lost their musical mojo? Nope.

According to the president and CEO, Stanley Romanstein, of the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra, both choirs are more than qualified, musically. So why were they dumped? The choirs lack the requisite racial diversity. In other words both high school choirs are TOO WHITE.

Shakedown of the Year: After leaving Gibson Guitar in legal limbo, following raids on the company in 2009 and 2011, the (IN)Justice Department finally sealed the deal. When the dust settled, the company shelled out $350,000 for violating a conservation law, by importing ebony from Madagascar and India to use for fingerboards.

The dispute centered on a law known as the Lacey Act, which since 2008 has made it illegal to import plant products, including wood, exported in violation of another country's laws. The law was updated in an effort to target illegal logging.

However, the series of federal raids on Gibson factories in 2009 and 2011 were prompted by an issue that went beyond conservation.

The shipments of wood from Madagascar and India were deemed illegal because they were unfinished -- something those countries prohibited. However, finished fingerboards presumably would have been legal. In the Indian case, court documents said one intercepted shipment was "falsely" labeled as finished when it wasn't. (Fox News)

The INJustice Department is proclaiming this a 'victory' for conservation, but that's a load of crap, because the 'crime' was allowing Americans to put the finishing touches on the ebony instead of outsourcing the work to India or Madagascar. In addition, there's another overriding fact: Gibson Guitar contributes to the Elephant Clan.

Celebrity Mugshot of the Year: Country singer Randy Travis staggered away with this one, when he got gunned on adult beverage, then took to the highways and byways in his 1998 Trans Am.

Around midnight, a Grayson County (Mexas) Sheriff's Deputy found a stark naked Randy Travis sprawled in the street, near his thrashed ride which he'd driven into a mound of construction debris. Determined to make he incident memorable, Randy threatened to kill the officer, when he was being put in a patrol car.

Nanny State Nitwits of the Year: If you live in, or drive in, New Jersey, and let Fido or Fluffy tag along, I have thrilling news for you. Unless you enjoy donating as much as $1,000 to the state, you'll need to make your animal companion buckle up. I want video of that magic moment, when you 'explain' it to your critter(s).

PIG's Liar Liar Award: Bay State U.S. Senate candidate, Elizabeth Warren aced this one with this 'I'm a Siberian-American' whopper:

"No, as I said, these are my family stories. I have lived in a family that has talked about Native Americans, talked about tribes since I had been a little girl," she said. "I still have a picture on my mantel and it is a picture my mother had before that - a picture of my grandfather. And my Aunt Bea has walked by that picture at least a 1,000 times remarked that he - her father, my Papaw -- had high cheek bones like all of the Indians do. Because that is how she saw it and your mother got those same great cheek bones and I didn't. She that thought was the bad deal she had gotten in life." (CBS Affiliate)

Circle Jerk Award: Whenever some Nanny State Nitwit asks a question, another dolt suggests that the relevant 'experts' perpetrate a study on the matter. There have been zillions of studies perpetrated, all of which are gathering dust in Uncle Sam's version of a 'dead letter' office. If you read every one of them, none would top the one I'll cite here for sheer lunacy.

2010: Defense Secretary Robert Gates had an unscheduled fit of rationality which made him notice all the 'studies' littering the Pentagon. It made him ask "How much are all these studies costing me?" Since nobody had the answer, Secretary Gates, without a hint of irony, commissioned a study to look into the Pentagon studies.

2012: Congress wonders what happened to the study on Pentagon studies and wasn't thrilled with the 'in progress' response. What do they do? Without a hint of 'just kidding', they order the Government Accounting Office (GAO) to look into the Pentagon's study on studies. That easily, the Study of a Study About Studies was born.

And that, PIGsters, concludes this lesson on 'your tax dollars at work'.

Race Card Retards of the Year: If you aren't up to speed on Jeremy Lin, that's tough darts. Suffice it to say he was dissed by Ivory Towers, who never realized his hoops potential. Finally, Jeremy Lin ended up at Harvard University where he was a sensation. After he left Harvard, Jeremy suffered the same fate in the NBA. Eventually, merely to fill out their lineup, the New York Nicks hired him to warm their bench, which he did, until a point guard was felled by an injury. Jeremy Lin's ensuing on the court heroics are the stuff of legend, making him a no bull crap overnight sensation.

Eventually, after an impressive string of victories, during which he played the vital role, Jeremy Lin had a miserable outing, where he committed numerous turnovers. As a direct result of that flawed performance, someone at ESPN posted a headline about Jeremy's crappy outing: "Chink in the Armor'.

"Chink in the Armor" is the PIGish prose that prompted a secondhand outrage riddled ESPN suit to crawl out from under a rock. Feeling the 'pain' of Chinese-Americans, he fired one minion and suspended another. "Chink in the Armor"? It's older than dirt and predates the use of 'chink' to denote Chinese individuals. Like so many instances of secondhand outrage, the 'I'm feeling this pain on your behalf' outburst is petty and stupid.

Rabid Moonbat of the Year: Hillary Clinton

Magic Moonbat Moment: "Islam, like other religions, respects the fundamental human dignity of human beings. And it is a violation of that fundamental dignity to wage attacks on innocents."

PIG Sez: It's beyond thrilling to know that someone that clueless is the Secretary of State.

Human Gene Pool Improvement Volunteer of the Year: It happened in Pakistan, during the never-ending titans of tolerance hissy fit against Uncle Sam. As usual, the Islamikaze tantrum involved burning Old Glory. I'm pleased to report that Old Glory did us proud, by reaching out to 'touch' one of the raving Islamikaze lunatics.

One of the participants of the rally, Abdullah Ismail, passed away after he was taken to Mayo Hospital. Witnesses said he had complained of feeling unwell from the smoke from US flags burnt at the rally. (The Express Tribune)

Zero Tolerance Zombies of the Year: While standing in the lunch line at Sable Elementary School in Aurora (Colorado) D'Avonte Meadows boldly, brazenly, sexually harassed a female classmate. That's quite an accomplishment for a 6-year-old. I wonder if his first grade teacher will give him a gold star to compensate for the "PERVERT" entry in his permanent scholastic record?

How, you ask, did D'Avonte seal the deal? Did he play TSA and 'grope-a-dope' the wenchlet? Nope, he uttered the tag line from a song by the group LMFAO, "I'm sexy and I know it." At Sable Elementary, it's okay for our young hero to be sexy. It's probably okay for him to know it. BUT, it isn't okay for him to share this thrilling news with a classmate of the female persuasion. If you think this makes no sense whatsoever, don't feel like the Lone Ranger.

Parting shot: The Sable Elementary rules of engagement on sexual harassment are, simply put, asinine: the district's code on sexual harassment refers to acts that have "negative" effects on the "learning or work of others."

Malingering Moonbat of the Year: Jessie Jackson, Jr.

Since Junior hails from Chicago, it's hardly shocking that he's the subject of a new FBI investigation. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last. The latest investigation relates to campaign fund chicanery. It sounds like no big deal, but it's serious shit to Junior, who developed a mysterious ailment which allowed him to hide out at the Mayo Clinic. It allowed him to run for re-election to Congress, while he laid low until the heat was off.

A colorful bastard like his daddy, Junior has a few kinks, one of which is his belief that he's a reincarnated chariot driver. Maybe the Mayo Clinic can find time to shrink his brain, after they try, again, to give him an ethics transplant. I'm sure that Junior will have a miraculous recovery, the day after the FBI closes its investigation.

Fishy Story of the Year: The list of woes plaguing Zimbabwe just got longer. Topping the list of Zimbabwe's woes is the steaming load stinking up the president's office, tyrant for life Robert Mugabe. Running a close second, on the same list, is the insane level of inflation spawned by Mugabe's 'inspired' leadership. Farther down the list, but not that far, is a water shortage, which is being resolved by the construction of two new reservoirs. It's this last item that exposed a heretofore hidden menace: rampaging - I'm not making this up - mermaids whose antics have scared off the crews working on the reservoirs.

Mermaids? I thought I smelled something fishy about this story.

Water Resource Minister Samuel Nkomo told some Zimbabwe legicrats that the 'best' way to stop the mermaid rampage involved brewing up a batch of traditional beer then 'carry out any rites to appease the spirits'. Rites? Is that how they say 'get the mermaids shit-faced' in Zimbabwe government circles?

Rampaging mermaids? Seriously? That's enough to make ME get shit-faced on traditional beer.

Teflon Celebrity: Lindsay Lohan for skirting, and skating jail time for her questionable, less than stellar activities in the court systems of California and New York. She seems to be untouchable.

Cover Up Of The Year: The Benghazi bombing and those that could have prevented it and are still cowering in dark corners.

Hoax Of The Year: The re-election of the biggest panhandler, shucker and jiver in American Presidential history, perpetrated by the Kool-Aid drinking Zombies that will pretty much seal the fiscal fate of Americans.

Fast Food Chain Of The Year: Hands down, Chick-Fil-A.

Assholes Of The Year: The Westboro Baptist Church for making their despicable presence known at ceremonies for those massacred in Newtown, Connecticut.

Lamest Quote of the Year: "If you've got a business...you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen."
Pooped out by the Red Shed Marxist.

Criminal Coddling Cretins of the Year: When it comes to jaw-dropping insanity, J.O.E.'s Health and Safety Nazis are the gold standard. I don't ask you to take my word for it, because the Daly Mail provided a prime example.

Our H & S epic begins with a Brit lass, Rebecca Jones, who decided to take her kayak to a suitable body of water. She was accompanied by her boyfriend, Mark Skirrow who is also a kayak wrangler:

Keen kayakers Miss Jones and Mr Skirrow, 27, had gone to meet up with Miss Jones's parents and take their boats on a local weir on the River Dearne at Harlington.

But as the party were lifting the others over a gate and carrying them a few yards to the river bank, the quad bikers raced up, snatched Miss Jones's and drove off with it strapped on one of the machines.

Miss Jones said: 'After arriving at the car park we unloaded out boats and got changed. In order to get everyone and their gear next to the river, we started ferrying boats over to the other side of the single lane road and lifted them over the gate and left them on the grass while we went back for the others.'We were never more than ten metres away from the kayaks. A group of quad bikers came tearing down the road and made off with my brand new boat by strapping it to one of their quads.

'I was literally only stood on the other side of a single lane carriageway. After another member of the public had spotted them , we followed the group, who made off across the fields still with my kayak tied to the front of their bike.

'The police were called immediately and they also followed the gang and caught up with them on the road but then they called it off.' (Daily Mail)

And why, you ask, did the police call it off? I'll let Rebecca answer that one:

"The police were called immediately and they also followed the gang and caught up with them on the road. However, because of the riders' lack of helmets and erratic style of driving they had to call off the pursuit because of health and safety concerns. It sounds funny, but the police called off the chase in case of a crash because the quad bikers were driving erratically and not wearing helmets. To cut a long story short my day was ruined. My boat was stolen and there is nothing much I can do about it."

The criminals might get hurt, so you refuse to do your job? What a pile of shit. The South Yorkshire Police call this Health & Safety brainfart 'a risk assessment'. I'd call it a steaming pile of dereliction of duty bullshit.

WTF Moment of the Year: How, you ask, do Detroit officials deal with the fun fact that they're saddled with one of the highest crime rates in the country? The nicest thing I can say about it is that it's, uh, unusual and quite innovative, in an utterly DETROIT way.

At 4 p.m., all the police stations close their doors, locking out citizens who require an in person encounter with a police officer/official. If John or Jane Q. Public want a face-to-face meeting with a cop, they need to get 'er done between 8 am and 4 pm. Otherwise, they must conduct their urgent police-related business by phone, or via the Internet. Motor City officials call this after hours crap 'virtual precincts'.

Brass Hat Bullshit of the Year: For 50 years - 1958 to 2008 - Marine Fighter Attack Squadron 122 (VMFA-122) was known as the "Crusaders" and the squadron symbol featured the red cross of the Knights Templar. In 2008, Korrectness reared its ugly head:

 

Lt. Col. William Lieblein pointed out that imagery invoking the Christian conquest and colonization of Muslims during the Middle Ages was counterproductive to U.S. soldiers based across the Arab and Islamic world.

As a result, "Crusaders" and the relevant symbol were dumped when the squadron became the Werewolves. Fast forward to the present and Werewolves has been jettison, allowing for the glorious return of "Crusaders", along with the Knights Templar cross. No harm, no foul? You know better.

"I don't know that the Marine Corps could do anything more to fuel the cause of jihad," said Mikey Weinstein, founder of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, a nonprofit organization that advocates church-state separation. "It will directly end up taking lives and maiming members of our military." (MSNBC)

As expected the opposing sides aren't even in the same universe;

Lt. Cmdr. Wade Weigel, who currently heads the squadron, said he did not think the historic nickname was problematic, according to a report in the Beaufort Gazette on Monday. "It's a way for our Marines to draw on the service of the Marines before them, and to make their own history under the same name," Weigel told the paper. "As the squadron prepared to celebrate its (70th anniversary), my intent was to return the squadron to the Crusader name since 50 of the squadron's 70 years were under that name. The name change is a reflection of our heritage."

Through the law firm Jones Day, the Military Religious Freedom Foundation on Wednesday sent a letter calling on top Navy and Marine Corps brass to reverse the decision, arguing that the use of Crusaders and the accompanying symbolism violate the Constitution's separation of church and state, and threatening legal action if it is not changed.

"Crusaders" will outrage Islamikazes? Name me one thing that doesn't piss them off. When, exactly, did war become so politically correct that the rules of engagement forbid pissing off our sworn enemies.

PIG-Worthy Cure of the Year: It all went wrong for a 65 year old Kiwi dude at his parents' 50th wedding anniversary. The vodka he downed teamed up with his diabetes medication and left him blind. What to do?

The cure turned out to be the hair of a slightly different adult beverage dog:

He thought he'd sleep it off, but the next morning he still couldn't see a thing, so went to Taranaki Base Hospital.

"I don't remember much after I arrived in hospital. They put me onto the trolley and into the theatre straight away. I know the doctor told my wife to say goodbye because they didn't think I'd be coming out again."

The surgeon later told him a strong smell like nail polish remover had come out of the incision in his stomach. "They asked me if I'd been drinking that and I said 'Jesus no'. They didn't know what was going on."

The doctor thought he might have formaldehyde poisoning, which is associated with ingesting methanol and can be treated by administering ethanol - the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages. There wasn't enough medical ethanol available in the hospital, so the registrar nipped down to the local bottle store and picked up a bottle of whisky.

"Johnnie Walker Black Label. It was good whisky, yeah."

They dripped the whisky - which retails for about $55 a bottle - into his stomach through a tube, and hoped for the best. "I woke up five days later and I could see as soon as I could open my eyes," Mr Duthie said.

He was feeling "good as gold" and was most impressed by the hospital's improvised treatment. (New Zealand Herald)

Johnny Walker Black saved the day.

Politically Incorrect Product of the Year: There are times when words don't get 'er done, and this is one of them. Instead of words, I'll simply show you the top contender for Politically Incorrect product of the year.


I know it looks like two figurines depicting Melanin-Enriched, Disco era trend-setters with giant Afros but there's more to it than that. That Afro is a kitchen sponge. If you want to know who to thank for this, it's a Brit firm named Paladone, a purveyor of kitchen cleaning products.

Believe it or not, there are some people who have a problem with this memorable product.

The Unite Against Fascism general secretary Weyman Bennett said: 'What are we going to have next, toilet brushes like that?

'This is not appropriate for the 21st century to show images like that. It reinforces negative stereotypes and ideas. Although it's aimed at being humorous, sometimes it's not funny. We've spent 40 years removing racist imagery out of general politics, removing golly wogs, removing black and white minstrels, and it would be a shame if it crept back in.'

Mr Bennett, who has been campaigning for almost thirty years, warned: 'It opens the door for people to produce racial stereotypes and that's not something we want to see in our society. We've worked very hard to make sure that doesn't happen. That's can't be a positive thing in the 21st centry that we are using images that were really invented in periods of slavery and discrimination.'

'Trying to compare black people's [hair] to brillo pads is not a really positive image – it's not appropriate.'

And what, you ask, does Paladone have to say for itself:

'Our range of four washing up sponges are designed to make an everyday chore like washing up more fun. The Disco, Beehive, Punk and Diva have sold hundreds of thousands of pieces. They have been a phenomenal success.'

If you're in J.O.E. (Jolly Old England) you can have one of these goodies for £8.

Korrectnik of the Year: Our hero is a young - he's three - Nebraska lad named Hunter Spanjer. This eager young scholar did a header into cess-school hypersensitivity on an epic scale, the instant he arrived in that Grand Island school district's outpost of alleged education. How did he manage that? How indeed.

The Daily Mail served up these pertinent particulars:

A school district has demanded a three-year-old deaf student named Hunter use a different hand sign for his name as the current gesture resembles a gun, his parents have claimed.

The Grand Island, Nebraska district reportedly has a policy forbidding children from bringing 'any instrument that looks like a weapon' to school.

School administrators claim Hunter Spanjer's name sign, which he makes by crossing his index finger and middle finger and then shaking his hands, violates that policy, his parents said.

Even if he signed his name making a 'finger gun', so f-ing what? He' 3. He's deaf. That's how he communicates his name. Big f-ing deal. He didn't make this name sign up:

'His name sign, they say, is a violation of their weapons policy,' his father, Brian Spanjer, added. 'It's a registered sign through S.E.E.' - which stands for Signing Exact English, a sign language system.

Grand Island cess-school officials seem determined to burn in the circle of hell they created with their intransigence. So be it.

Road Warrior of the Year: Flori-DOLT named Robert Casey took 'twisted' right off the scale, while taking a Sunday drive in his Jeep Cherokee. An accomplished multi-tasker, Bobby combined driving with pleasuring himself. He had matters well in hand, until a tow truck driver reported Bobby's antics to the local police.

When the Fort Pierce P.D. interrupted the festivities, the fun hit high gear. An ABC affiliate shared these torrid tidbits:

When the officer asked him why he was driving naked, "Casey stated that he has problems with this and he is getting therapy," the report said, adding that the man couldn't explain why he was naked.

The officer then patted Casey down and found a toy pistol tied to his leg, part of which was hidden in Casey's behind. Another portion of the contraption was tied around his genitals, the report said.

Driving naked? Happens all the time. Driving naked while jerking off? Not as common, but it happens more often than you think. Driving naked, while jerking off, with a toy gun shoved up your pooper? That's blazing an entirely new trail.

Safety Nazi Award: It sounds like the classic Internet hoax, a possibility that is still in play. I'd dismiss it as a hoax, except for one thing. It's the kind of insane crap that Socialist Governments like to do, so, given France's recent plunge into Moonbattery, I'm willing to believe that it's too, too, real. What the hell am I yammering about? What indeed.

Horrified that drunk as a skunk French motorists are deselecting themselves in impressive numbers, France's Elected Tormentors enacted a law that requires - I am NOT making this up - all motorists to carry a drunk-o-meter in their vehicle, at all times. Additionally, motorists must have a 'high-visibility safety vest and a warning triangle'.

I managed to handle this lunacy, stoically, until I stumbled over this line in the BBC news story:

The French government hopes that with breathalysers in every car, drivers who suspect they may be over the limit can test themselves and if necessary refrain from taking the wheel.

That line put me on the floor.

Predictably, I have a few issues with this concept:

If a driver is gassed, he, she, heshe, or it will be lucky if they remember their name, so the likelihood they'll know they have a drunk-o-meter is very low.

If the aforementioned driver does drag out the drunk-o-meter it's a slam dunk that they'll never figure out how to use it, if they're drunk.

If the driver remembers it, uses it correctly, and understands the results, he, she, heshe, or it isn't THAT pickled.


 
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