Has your glorious career in the entertainment industry fallen on hard times? Has your agent given your account to his smart-mouth teenage punk son who wouldn't know a contract if someone rammed it down his throat? Do strangers keep asking, "Didn't you use to be somebody"? Are you terrified that your career is over? Is that used car salesman job starting to sound like a bold career move? Before you launch yourself into automotive hucksterhood, take a chill pill and peruse PIG's world famous list of signs that your career is truly in the crapper.
Admittedly, PIG has taken the occasional swipe at the richly deserving entertainer, but, in our defense we insist that these lip-flapping celebrities provoke us into it. It's quite likely that we even took a swipe at you when you were still a "player" in the entertainment business. We're ready, willing, and able to put that all behind us and let bygones be bygones, because, this time, we're on your side, entertainment has-been, Sparky. Grab some of your preferred adult beverage then brace yourself for career enlightenment.
Warning Signs That Your Thespian Career Is in the Crapper
Warning Sign Number 11
The only channel still running the show that made you famous is nostalgia-intensive TV Land.
Admittedly, there's nothing wrong with being on nostalgia TV, but we both know it's not likely to get you any new scripts. A regular slot on TV Land probably has most producers convinced that you're already dead.
Warning Sign Number 10
E's 'True Hollywood Story' is doing a "warts and all" expose on you.
Trust me, thespian breath, life in the E! bull's-eye is no picnic. It's not a winning career move.
Warning Sign Number 9
The last time you saw your name in print was a "whatever happened to" reader question in 'Parade' magazine.
The good news, such as it is, is that someone is asking about you. The bad news is that they haven't seen you in a long damn time. The only reason they're asking is to settle a bet over whether or not you're dead.
Warning Sign Number 8
Your last paying boob tube gig had you pitching a venerable real estate scam called California Pines at 3am on a Sunday night.
Hyping retirement/vacation property isn't in and of itself a career killer, but no producer in his right mind will see you in it, then say, that's the one we need for this role.
Warning Sign Number 7
You're selling merchandise on the Internet to pay off your debts.
Selling merchandise that spotlights your "glory days" is well documented kiss it goodbye, has been Sparky territory. Doing your sales scheme in cyberspace screams "loser" from the rooftops. If you want a career in sales, go out and get a real job.
Warning Sign Number 6
The closest you came to career recognition by your peers happened when a thespian award show considered giving you a "lifetime achievement" booby prize, then decided to give it to Pauley Shore instead.
Okay, we admit that a lifetime achievement award can be good for the old ego. But, losing out to Pauley Shore? "They" and you know who I mean, will never let you live that one down.
Warning Sign Number 5
Your last meaningful, highly publicized personal appearance transpired when you got busted due to a close, personal encounter with a transsexual hooker.
Okay, maybe transsexual hookers aren't your style. More likely it's a drug bust, or it could be a "guess who tried to knock over a Starbucks?". Whatever the case, the effect is the same. A mug shot of you doing a perp walk or holding up a number in front of your chest won't rekindle that moribund career.
Warning Sign Number 4
You're a regular guest on the Larry King Show.
Larry's CNN show has a growing, well-earned reputation, in and out of the entertainment industry, as "the loser's lounge" of show business. If you show up there too often, for no good reason, everyone will know that stench rising up from your career has nothing to do with personal hygiene.
Warning Sign Number 3
That 'Playboy' spread you turned down in your in bygone, more nubile years is suddenly a bold career move.
Appearing in 'Playboy' need not be the kiss of death, but, at your age, darlin, it's highly unlikely to elicit much more than a nostalgic "she use to be so hot".
Warning Sign Number 2
The producers of 'Surreal Life' want you for their next season.
This show is infamous for humiliating "I use to be somebody" and "I could have been somebody" entertainment industry victims. Past victims include, in no particular order: Vanilla Ice, Erik Estrada, Traci Bingham, Charo, and Bridget Nielsen, to name a few, none of whom are today's hot ticket. If this show isn't the kiss of death, it's damn close.
Warning Sign Number 1
Your name is the answer to a Final Jeopardy question under the "show business trivia" category and they all miss it.
If you don't get this one, there's no hope for you.
No matter how you did on PIG's warning sign obstacle course, the fun isn't over, not quite yet. It's time for us to give you some badly needed career advice.
If one or more of the foregoing warning signs fits you like a glove, don't despair because PIG's crackpot career counseling staff is all over it. Instead of stocking up on sleeping pills or applying that razor blade to your wrists, you can begin your personal renovation project by practicing the following mantras:
"Someone told me that there's a reunion show in the works. This could be my big break."
"I always knew that acting was a temporary phase of my career. What I really want to do is direct."
"The entertainment industry is deplorably superficial. I think it's time to do something meaningful with my life, something that will benefit society as a whole."
"Selling used cars provides a useful service to economically-challenged people who need reliable transportation at a reasonable price."
"Do you want fries with that?"
If you're still unconvinced that we have your best interests at heart, we're deeply wounded but trying to be brave about it. Maybe it will make you feel better to read a testimonial from one of PIG's satisfied, Career Counseling customers.
Dear PIG Pals,
Thank you so much for helping me return to gainful employment in the real world. I'm pleased to report that the manager of the diner remembered me and gave me my old job back behind the counter. You might say that I made a big splash with the customers. Chortle, chortle.
By the way, please thank the PIG pal who sent me the water while I was sitting in that tree.
Love and Kisses
Perpetrated by: Hambo