AND BARBIE DO THE NEWS
Reason It's Called A Boob Tube?
is the poster mutt for what's wrong with your local television
news broadcast. Like the mongrels in your neighborhood, every
cur for miles around sets off a deafening din the instant one
pooch yelps that it's raining. Barking
incessantly about 'Storm Watch', local boob tube news purveyors
deploy rain slickered news numbskulls to every mud puddle in Hell-A,
frantically searching for some bearded relic in a moo-moo leading
animals two by two into a pontoon-equipped SUV.
back at the ranch...the television studio...a 'properly-diverse'
rainbow coalition of Barbie and Ken Doll Teleprompter readers
preens for that close-up. When the moment comes, the chosen news
reader appears in front of a 'Storm Watch' graphic. "Good evening.
We'll return to your regular programming, Which blind date will
survive a shotgun wedding with a past his prime rock star's daughter,
Tricia 'I'm really a' Transsexual, after this monsoon update."
She begins, in that carefully-cultivated Spanish accent. "I am
Maria Conchita Guadalupe Gonzales-Hernandez and this is Storm
Watch. For the latest on this epic deluge, we go to Jamal 'Homeboy'
Mustafa who is stationed near the Pasadena Puddle..."
and Jamal - born Laura Johnston and Troy Blanchard, respectively
- are mere bit players in the televised trivial pursuit called
'local T.V. news', so don't blame them for the intellectual flat-liner
targeted newscast. Once you accept the inescapable fact that local
television news is equally informative with the sound muted, you're
ready to accept it for what it has to offer, ethnically diverse,
Teleprompter reader eye candy. The best way to get the news is
channel surf to your favorite Teleprompter reader hottie, mute
the sound, then get your hard news by tuning in your local all
news radio station.
the blatant 'eye candy' appeal offered by local television news
purveyors, this pagan must wonder if all this prime time pulchritude
is the real reason it's called a boob tube? Does the 'boob' in
boob tube refer to the intellectual level displayed by Teleprompter
readers, or their eye-catching, sweater busting endowments? Enquiring
minds want to know. It's bold new concept time in the pagan bunker.
Teleprompter Readers (Anchors/Reporters):
Hotties: Every station has 'em, just like every station has
water-coolers. Most of them are not too hard on the eyes, so we
can live with them.
Hot Tamales: Mandatory here in L.A. Some have hyphenated Anglo
names. Is that for broader appeal? Oh, and what's up with enunciating
flawless English, until a Spanish name or phrase is inserted.
Males: Chock Full 'O Them, Too.
Females: They usually have a hyphen in their name.
White Male: How did HE get in?
the latest phenomenon involves White Males with Hispanic names.
Is that what they learn in journalism school? Because even if
you're whiter than a snowflake, your agent will insist you Latin-ize
your WASPY given name.
Color-Coordinated Teleprompter Teams (Anchors):
broadcasts normally have two teleprompter readers. They are usually
paired up in the following teams:
& Female: That's OK. Race of either is irrelevant, but station
managers prefer that if one is white, the other must be "of color"
& Female: Very P.C, especially if they're properly-hyphenated.
The prevailing pairing is, invariably, one teleprompter-reading
wench 'of color' and a foaming at the mouth NO-NAD who never saw
a dude she didn't want to neuter.
& Male: Very rare, but this phenomenon occurs usually during
an emergency and the only available personnel happen to be males.
This pairing is always temporary, until they can find some NO-NAD
eye candy whose government schooling has rendered them marginally
Male & White Male: Very rare. Only under the most extreme
emergencies is this pairing to occur.
Unfunny Weathermen: Enough already.
have led the way. Notice: When a Hispanic (usually female) wraps
up a report in flawless English - not grammer, but enunciation
and pronunciation, she has to insert that good 'ol ethnic pride
by Latinizing her name. Example: "...and that's our report.
This is Chrrrrrrrrrrristina Goooonzaaaalezzzz..." (Editor's
note: Take that shit on over to Telemundo).
using that sort of Ethnocrat attitude, let us here at PIG take
it a step further and imagine, if you will, if anchors of all
persuasions inflected their own brand of Ethnic-enunciation.
Hottie: "...that's our report. This is Connie Kung Fu,
Ah so, sayonara, Joe, you want numba two special?..." (Editor's
note: Before you call us racist, go out and make some noise about
Shaquille O'Neal's statement to Yao Ming).
"...that's our report. This is Jamal Mustafa and remember
to keep it real. Yo, peace. Out." (Editor's note: If a "Jamal"
actually did that, at least he IS keeping it real).
fellow PIG's, that is OUR report for tonight. Tune in again for
our next report. Goodnight. Buenos Noches. Sayonara.