Second Amendment Hero
PIG News Wire [05/31/14]

Our hero is a 22 year old man from Mexifornia who had the right stuff, when a group of armed asshats invaded his Orosi home at 5:30in the morning. Arming himself, he gather his three siblings -ages 8 to 18 - into a room, then got into a raging gun fight with the intruders.

Our hero, who was seriously wounded in the battle, killed one intruder and wounded at least one other. Thanks to his 2nd Amendment heroics, our hero's three siblings emerged unharmed. You did good, dude.

Electrifying Idea
Source: PIG News Wire [05/24/14]

Although lethal injection is all the rage, it's fallen on hard times, due to some recent executions that didn't go exactly as planned. Alarmed, for a varieyt of reasons, the suppliers of the ingredients in the lethal 3-drug cocktail got pissy:

Controversy over lethal injections has been brewing in recent years after European manufacturers, including the Denmark-based manufacturer of pentobarbital, banned U.S. prisons from using their drugs in executions.

In Tennessee the Elected tormentors decided to go 'old school'. Hang 'em high? Nope, but you're not ice cold.

This week, Governor Bill Haslan signed a measure that makes the electric chair mandatory, when lethal injection drugs aren't available. [Fox]

After languishing in mothballs for 47 years, Old Sparky is BACK. BZZZZT. Justice.

Outrage
Source: PIG News Wire [05/24/14]

Her name is Gwendolyn Williams. She's 8 years old, is 4 feet 1 inch tall and weighs in a 66 pounds. So what? So plenty, because the pinheads in the Big Apple's cess-school system think our wenchlet is too fat.

A New York City mom was fit to be tied Wednesday after her 4-foot-1, 66-pound daughter came home from school with a note calling her fat.

Eight-year-old Gwendolyn Williams is anything but fat, but her mom worries that the school's note, citing her body mass index, has left her daughter confused about her body.

"My daughter is thin; she knows she doesn't have a weight problem, but that night, I caught her grabbing the skin near her waist, and she asked me, 'is this what they were talking about?"' Laura Bruiji Williams, the girl's mom, told FoxNews.com. "It was awful to see."

Gwendolyn, along with her classmates, were handed a "Fitnessgram" sealed with a sticker at her public school in Brooklyn. The class was told not to open the letters, issued by the New York City Department of Education, but like most of her friends, she couldn't resist and read it.
[Fox News]

I have several issue with this bull crap, but I'll only discuss one. Why are Big Apple government schools sticking their noses where they don't belong. Gwendolyn's physical condition is a matter for the family doctor. Government schools are failing miserably on their primary function: instilling basic skills in school inmatess. When you graduate inmates who can't read their diploma, you have more important matters on your plate than inmate nutrition.

Made For The Movies
Source: PIG News Wire [05/10/14]

It's so improbable nobody would believe it. The owners, Perry Martin and Steve Coburn, are both working stiffs, who met through their wives. When they decided to try the horse racing game, they sealed their partnership with a handshake.

Their first, and only, acquisition, was an $8,000 mare, who had only won one race. When they decided to expand their operation, they bred their mare with a $2,500 stallion. The result was a colt that they named California Chrome.

When the colt needed a trainer, they hired Art Sherman. As a result, Art became, at age 77, the oldest trainer to win the Kentucky Derby. A mere 59 years ago, he made another trek to the Derby, as the exercise rider for Swaps.

If all that isn't enough to guarantee a California Chrome movie, there's this:

California Chrome has the unlikeliest pedigree for a Derby champion. His mother, named Love the Chase, won just one race. She was purchased by Coburn and Martin, a move that prompted a trainer to call them "dumb asses" for getting involved in racing.

Feeling inspired, they named their operation DAP Racing, which stands for Dumb Ass Partners. Their silks include an image of a donkey.

Dare to pursue your dreams, PIGsters

Ghostbusters
Source: PIG News Wire [05/10/14]

At least a dozen times during the last 8 years, New York's finest (NYPD) staged no knock raids on the family home of James Jordan Sr. They want to exchange pleasantries with James, but he's never around to greet them.

Is someone tipping off James? No.

Is James hiding from them? Nope, but since 2006, when he died from diabetes, he has been lying low.

Cops have barged into James Jordan Sr.'s family home looking for him more than a dozen times since he died in 2006 — prompting his exasperated relatives to finally post his death certificate on the front door.

"I tell them over and over, 'James isn't here! He's dead! It's that simple. What's so difficult to understand about that?' " the Brooklyn security guard's widow, Karen, told The Post on Monday.

James Jordan Sr., who died from diabetes at age 46, was last arrested in 1996 — for turnstile-jumping, said Karen Jordan, who has filed a lawsuit against the city in Brooklyn federal court.

But cops still routinely ransack the family's Bushwick home on Sumner Avenue, demanding to see him — coming four times this year alone, Jordan said.

The widow finally taped his death certificate to the door.

"I wanted it to be the first thing they saw before they came into my home and flipped it upside down," Jordan said. "I can't hide anyone in my apartment. It's not big enough for that. But they keep coming and insisting that he's in my house."

Jordan said she's mystified by the NYPD's apparent obsession with her late spouse because he had such a minuscule criminal history. Law-enforcement sources said Jordan Sr. had three sealed arrests in 1996.
[NYP]

If the cops really want to catch up with James Jordan, Sr., they need to get 'er done on the next election day. In a Jackass Party controlled city like the Big Apple, I guarantee that he'll show up to cast a vote.

Lost Airport 'Package' Of the Year
Source: PIG News Wire [04/26/14]

If you thought your missing luggage was a nightmare, this will give you a whole new perspective on it. This epic unfolded at the airport in Anchorage, Alaska, but it could have been that nearby airport you use.

The Good: The airport police have bomb sniffing police mutts in their arsenal. They hone those sensitive K-9 noses, with regular training exercises.

The Bad: The exercise involves placing 'a small quantity of explosive' on a rental car.

The Ugly: This week, the designated car went MIA, before the mutt sniffed out its bomb, when the rental company inadvertently rented it out, and the cop assigned to keep the bomb laden car in sight, at all times, left his post, for a few moments, at the worst possible time.

Everyone is trying to sell a 'nothing to see here' mind set, but it's not working as well as they'd like. If you guessed 'an investigation is under way', give yourself a cookie.

Hiding Place of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [04/26/14]

Our heroine, 19-year-old Dallas Archer, demonstrated one of the primary reasons the proper authorities search all of a Graybar Hotel Guest's 'nooks and crannies' [they call it a cavity search] when they book the guest into a suite. After a female deputy discovered something hidden inside the wench's nads, she sounded the alarm.

When her fun box was given a thorough inspection, the police found a loaded, North American Arms 22 LR revolver holstered inside.

I'll let The Smoking Gun wrap this one up:

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been "stolen from an auto burglary in 2013." The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was "ransacked" last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, "Oh, gosh." He noted that he would eventually like "the little fellow" returned, but added that the weapon would require "a bath in bleach."

A bath in bleach? Amen to that.

Snippets
Source: PIG News Wire []04/19/14]

Panty Twister in Cleveland
In Cleveland (ohio, duh), some Islamikaze cab drivers have their knickers in a knot. Why? Why indeed?

Roughly 25 Muslim drivers dispatched to Cleveland Hopkins International Airport are refusing to drive cabs adorned with advertising for the region's upcoming Gay Games, citing religious reasons.

Two of the three companies operating at Ohio's largest airport were informed by the drivers — one-third of the airport's total fleet — last week that they will no longer participate in the airport's dedicated taxicab program. The companies, Ace and Yellow Taxi Cab, were told by the drivers that their decision was based on religious reasons, airport spokeswoman Jacqueline Mayo told FoxNews.com.

I love it when two annointed victim groups butt heads. It's time to break out the popcorn and an adult beverage, because this is big time fun.

Self-Awareness

It's the kind of thing that can only happen in Mexifornia. When the desperado sauntered into a Hayward money emporium, even the most distracted observor smelled trouble brewing. Why? Why indeed.

A man accused of robbing a bank in Hayward Tuesday was caught on surveillance camera wearing a t-shirt that proclaimed: "I have issues."

Hayward police released his picture, describing the suspect as a man in his 20s, 5'8" tall and weighing around 185 pounds. [NBC affiliate]

He really does have issues.

Loser Alert
Source: PIG News Wire [03/29/14]

In February of 2012, a then 17 year old high school senior at Hollenstein Career and Technology Center set the loins of his science teacher, 343 year old Rachelle Heenan, ablaze. Unable to resist the lad, Rachelle got things started with 'sexting' messages, but that didn't get the job done, so she had him accompany her to a hotel, where they got horizontal and squishy.

Did that douse the fire? Nope, she had numerous other sexual romps 'including at school events, in hotels and her in own car.' By May 2012, the party was over and our horny wench was exiled via administrative leave. In February 2013 she was charged with an improper relationship between educator and pupil, but wriggled out of hard time with a plea bargain: five years of deferred adjudicated probation.

Game, set match? Nope, her stallion got lawyered up and played the victim, big time:

* The boinking 'damaged him, mentally and emotionally, so much so that it derailed his plans to join the Marines.

* His lawsuit claims that his passion partner 'assaulted, raped and battered [Smith] in her capacity of teacher/educator, in violation of the law.'

Did she take advantage of him? Yup? Was it an abuse of her position? Yup. Assaulted, raped and battered? I doubt it.

It's probably a good thing he's not joining the Marines. They're looking for a few good MEN, and he doesn't make the cut. The news isn't all bad, because he's our Girlieman of the Week.

He Did It
Source: PIG News Wire [03/22/14]

Spokane (Washington) police got a tip on a cold case from the 1990s. If it pans out, it would solve the murders of three hookers. A witness, 62-year old Donna Perry, stated in an affidavit that a man named Douglas Perry murdered the hookers. Donna PERRY? Douglas Perry? Are they related?

Related? Not exactly.

A transgender woman [i.e., a mentally disturbed man] accused of being a serial killer is blaming the 1990 murders of three prostitutes in Washington State on Douglas Perry, the person [he] identified as before [his] transition.

Donna Perry, 62, told police in 2012 in an affidavit filed in Spokane Superior Court that [he] had gender reassignment surgery in Thailand, and when a person transitions from male to female, "there's a great downturn in violence."

Douglas Perry was a man. But according to the authorities, who believe that biology itself is subject to their decrees, Donna Perry is a woman. Therefore, Perry is a different person than the one who committed the murders.

In a case that has been cold for more than two decades, the affidavit filed Jan. 14 says Perry was linked through DNA evidence to the killings of Yolanda Sapp, Kathleen Brisbois and Nickie Lowe, whom police say were prostitutes.

Police allege that Perry shot the women and left their naked bodies on the banks of the Spokane River.
[Moonbattery]

But that was Douglas Perry, not Donna Perry, who killed the hookers heshe claims. Nice try gender bender, but no cigar.

Daddy's Little Girl
Source: PIG News Wire [03/14/14]

It was close to 2:30 in the morning, when a Texas dad caught his 16 year old daughter in bed with a teenage lad. Baby girl tried to lie her way out of it, but dad wasn't born yesterday.

Brandishing his gun, dad ordered the teenage dude to stay put. Instead of obeying an angry dad with a gun, the lad made a fatal mistake:

The father said he told the teen not to move, but reportedly saw the teen reach for something, at which point police say the father opened fire. The teen did not have a gun. His daughter later confessed that she did indeed know the teen, the report said. [Fox affiliate]

I seriously doubt that the teenage wench was worth the 'price' - death - the lad paid.

Excuses, Excuses
Source: PIG News Wire [03/07/14]

His name is Mark Johnson. According to AP, Mark is a retiree who hails from Southern Mexifornia. His story isn't that unusual, but his antics make the mundane, PIG-worthy.

It happened on Super Bowl weekend, during a pitstop at the Downtown Grand in Sin City.

Step 1: Mark gets gunned on adult beverage.

Step 2: During a marathon drinking/gambling spree, our old enough to know better high roller lost $500,000 at the gaming tables.

Step 3: When he sobers up, he whines piteously and demands a full refund:

Southern California retiree Mark Johnston is suing the Downtown Grand for loaning him money and allowing him to play while he was blackout drunk.

Nevada law bars casinos from allowing visibly drunk patrons to gamble and from serving them comped drinks.

Johnston's attorney, Sean Lyttle, says the Grand, which opened last November in the old part of Sin City, is countersuing Johnston for trying to shirk his gambling debts. Johnston put a stop-payment order on the markers, or casino credits, the Grand issued, and is also seeking damages from the Grand for sullying his name.

Johnston says he was thoroughly drunk during the hours he spent playing pai gow and blackjack at the Grand.

This isn't the retired car dealership owner's first rodeo:

He has been a Las Vegas regular for three decades, and says he came to the Grand during Super Bowl weekend at the invitation of the casino. He traveled with his girlfriend, but did most of his gambling alone. He drank in the limousine from the Las Vegas airport to the Grand on that Thursday and drank more during dinner with friends. The suit alleges that the Grand comped him dozens of drinks while he gambled away hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Johnston says he didn't sober up and learn how much he had lost until Sunday.

Whine, whine, whine. Mark, dude, nobody forced you to get shit-faced then piss your money away at the tables. You're old enough to know better.

Cheer up, whiney. You may be out $500,000, but the news isn't all bad. You're our Girlieman of the Week.

Payback's A Bitch
Source: PIG News Wire [03/07/14]

In my youth, my mother was fond of saying, 'an honest confession is good for the soul'. Fast forward to the present and we learn that Beverly Rolston - a 45 year old Buckeye state denizen - was on the receiving end of a soul nurturing confession, when her hubby confessed he'd been boning one of Beverly's friends.

In need of soul healing, our heroine sought her own remedy:

A wife has admitted posting photos of her husband and a former friend having sex all over the woman's Walmart workplace.

"Hide your husbands," 45-year-old Beverly Rolston wrote on a series of photographs, which security footage shows her posting all over the Ohio store in November, according to WLWT.

Police say the photos were stuck up within view of children.

The Walmart employee says she used to be friends with Rolston.

Rolston said she believed her husband and the woman had been having an affair for about a year, authorities said. Her husband had reportedly confessed the infidelity to her. [News.co.au]

Beverly doesn't share my mother's attitude, when it comes to the likely benefits of an 'honest confession', because, when she was charged with pandering obscenities, she pleaded not guilty. I hope pleading not guilty works better for her than it did for me with my mother.

STFU
Source: PIG News Wire [03/07/14]

Patrick Snay's life hit a speed bump, when he was unceremoniously evicted from his headmaster job by Miami's Gulliver Preparatory School. Convinced that he'd been shafted, Patrick sue his former employer, accusing them of age discrimination.

For some reason, the school decided to cut their losses, so they offered an $80,000 settlement. There was, however, a string attached: Patick and his wife couldn't disclose details of the settlement, to anyone. Happy days are here again? Nope:

The Snays' daughter, a recent graduate of the school, posted to her 1,200 Facebook friends that the money would pay for a family vacation to Europe.

"Mama and Papa Snay won the case the case against Gulliver," she wrote. "Gulliver is now officially paying for my vacation to Europe this summer."

A black robe nuked the settlement in record time. Easy come...easy go.