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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| ONLY IN AMERIKA
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JUNE 2009
Black Flagged In Nazareth For breaking the prevailing rules of knowledge emporium engagement, Dominick Philip has been banished from the Memorial Library of Nazareth (Pennsylvania), forever. What, you ask, is Dominick’s crime? Porn surfing on the library’s computers? Nope. Destroying library books? Nope. Creating a major disturbance? Nope, and you’re not even warm. What is 7-year-old Dominick’s unpardonable crime? You’re going to be thrilled:
As expected, this young book lover took the news very hard. He’s understandably crushed and vows that he’ll never go to a library, ever again. Dominick keeps wondering what he did wrong. I’m wondering about that, too. Isn’t the whole purpose of a library to instill a love of reading in young ‘uns like Dominick? Parting shot: The blowback must have been impressive, because these book wranglers took a baby step backwards. A story update announces that Dominick can continue to use his Nazareth library card until the end of 2009. Damn, that’s real white of you, book wrangler Sparky. A Made In America Classic Recipe for PIG-Worthy incorrectness: Take one hot blonde with her mouth wide open. Mix in the phrases "Super Seven Incher" and "It’ll BLOW your mind" Aim a torpedo shaped nosh at the blonde’s mouth. Top it off with hand wringing prose like this quote from someone called Joe Gandelman (editor of ‘The Moderate Voice’ blog):
Shake them up vigorously, and you have the latest food flap for what Hot Air’s Ed Morrissey calls "PornoBurger". As spiffy as that is, for this pagan scribbler, it gets better when Ed suggests a celebrity endorsement by porn icon, Ron Jeremy. Pagan, PIGish, kudos are enthusiastically conferred on Burger King for this magically incorrect moment. It’s Raining Weed In Ohio In theory, the plan to fly weed from New Mexico to Ohio was not, in and of itself, fatally flawed. The trip started off, in fine form, after a pair of New Mexico weed wranglers, Ryan Thomas and Greg Baca, loaded 20 to 25 pounds of packaged weed into their 1963 Mooney airplane. So far, so good. By the time they were on final approach to their destination - Ohio’s Norwalk-Huron County Airport - the weed wranglers were painfully aware of the border patrol jet - it was working with Homeland Stupidity - that kept dogging them. Holy caught red-handed, Batman! Our heroes tried to cut their losses, thus foregoing a trip to a graybar hotel suite, by tossing the duffle bag containing the weed out of their airplane. That scheme might have worked out as planned, except for a couple more glitches: Glitch 1: A witness spotted the incoming weed bomb and reported it to the authorities. Glitch 2: When they landed at Norwalk-Huron County Airport, our heroes were greeted by the proper authorities and several drug-sniffing canine cops. Glitch 3: After the mutts detected the scent of weed in the Mooney, our heroes were bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar hotel for drug trafficking. Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln? More Petty HOA Tyranny Hobbled by an injured right arm, which is immobilized in a sling, a Mexas dude, Wayne Simmons, decided to make it easy on himself, while he unloaded his SUV. Instead of stowing it in his garage, he pulled his SUV onto his lawn, as close as possible to his door, while he unloaded it. No harm, no foul? Hardly. Understandably distracted while fixing breakfast for his tykes, Wayne left his ride on the lawn. That’s when the petty tyrants who infest the Remington Ranch Homeowners Association made Wayne’s life thrilling.
Wayne isn’t the only Remington Ranch resident who ran afoul of these HOA pissants. His neighbor, Carrie Brown, got a similar thrill when she opened her garage and discovered that her boat was gone. Stolen? Nope. She, too, got the thrilling news, when she dialed 911 and was informed that her HOA had towed away her boat. In both cases, the HOA never bothered to knock on the door, or ring them on the phone. The HOA assholes never gave either homeowner a chance to make things right, without undue drama. Wayne and Carrie are now up to speed on the following element of objective reality:
If you’re looking at a home that’s shackled to a HOA, just say NO to that purchase. No matter how heavenly the abode might look, the HOA will do its best to make your new homestead a new circle of hell. A Very Shifty Scumbag This pimple on humanity’s butt is named - I am not making this up - Edtition Thompson. I’m going to call him ‘Shifty’, because Edtition is an asinine name. Shifty is, as you’ll soon discover, a real piece of shit. First, he boned his girlfriend’s daughter and got the ELEVEN YEAR OLD girl preggers. Next, unwilling to reap the statutory rape whirlwind, Shifty faked his death. Fleeing the scene of his crime (Buffalo), Shifty talked his scumbag family into perpetrating a fake memorial service. Despite his antics, Shifty was bagged, tagged, and dragged into a graybar, after he was arrested in Sacramento (Mexifornia). Game, set, match? Yes, and no. Since his capture, Shifty has faked a heart attack, AND, a suicide attempt. Gutless to the core, Shifty is trying to weasel out of a life sentence for predatory child molestation by pleading ‘not guilty’. Not guilty? That’s never going to fly, so he might want to try his luck with an insanity defense. A Night On The Town Our cheesehead heroine, Courtney Steinhorst, started the most memorable night of her 20 year old life, by ingesting impressive quantities of an adult beverage. Taking her show on the road, she thrilled everyone by stripping off her shirt, then getting into a shouting match with another woman, who tried to keep our drunk as a skunk heroine out of the street. Just getting started, Courtney kicked her antics up, several notches, when the Portage (Wisconsin) police arrived to exchange pleasantries:
For now, Courtney is free, on a $2,500 signature bond, but the aftershocks from her night on the town could put her in the slammer for 12 years. I know what you’re thinking and you’re right. Nailing her for 12 years for being drunk in public is insane, until you look at the list of charges against her: two counts of felony battery of a peace officer, two counts of felony attempted battery of a peace officer, and misdemeanor charges of resisting an officer and disorderly conduct. Parting shot: I can’t confirm, or deny, the rumor that Porcus O’Publisher plans to interview her for a PIG Staff position, after this justice system unpleasantness runs its course. Kin-Tucky Road Warrior During a family visit to Carr Creek State Park, a young Kin-Tucky lad (he’s 11) got a craving for the open road. Our hero - henceforth ‘Crash’ - took one look at an unattended church van and concluded ‘that will do’. Faster than a speeding moonshiner, Crash was off and running. The first person to pursue Crash was Fish and Wildlife official who followed the lad on a 20-mile chase through two counties. When the lad entered Hazard (Kin-Tucky), the Hazard police joined the fun. Holy Boss Hogg, Batman!
When the dust settled, Crash racked up an impressive total with what might be a world record for an 11-year-old road warrior: he nailed 6 vehicles during his rampage, not counting the church van left folded, spindled and mutilated. The proper authorities think Crash belongs in juvenile court. The FSOP thinks he belongs on the NASCAR circuit. From Sea To Shining Sea A Honking Good Time Helen’s story begins in 2006, when, responding to a complaint from one of Helen’s neighbors, the local homeowner’s association sent her a letter informing Helen that her chickens were no longer welcome in the hood. Did Helen take this breaking news in stride? Not a chance:
Unwilling to cut her losses, Helen thrilled a court spitless during a three-day jury trial during which she acted as her own attorney. When she lost round one, Helen moved on up the judicial system food chain. This week, Snohomish County Superior Court. Judge Richard J. Thorpe issued the black robe version of a ‘cluck you’, when he ruled: "Horn honking per se is not free speech." Is this game, set, match for our feisty heroine? I doubt it. It’s stay tuned time in the PIGdom. Having A Pole-y Cow In Lake Orion Elona does her best to set the locals straight, for all the good it does her:
Nice try, Elona, but you’re wasting your breath. Holy rollers are, inherently, immune to those icons of objective reality: logic and reason.
So far, Elona has passed ‘go’ with the relevant Orion Township officials who are closely monitoring the pole dancing studio for signs of classic ‘stripper’ moves. Holy roller Michelle Phifer will be bummed to learn that Elona’s dance studio is following all the rules of engagement, including, especially, the one that requires the pole dancing students to stay dressed. The FSOP wishes Elona luck in her new endeavor. We suspect that she’s going to need all the luck she can get. Something Fishy in Seattle Proving what an ‘attraction’ this fish tossing is, the American Veterinary Medical Association invited the Pike Place Fish Market folks to demonstrate their skills as the opening act at the AVMA’s July 10th convention in Seattle. No harm, no foul? To rational adult, but nobody ever called the PETA punks ‘rational’.
Did this PETA caterwauling work? Sadly, yes. The AVMA’s chief executive, Ron DeHaven, did the math and concluded that having those raving PETA lunatics underfoot would be a major downer. Hoping to forestall a PETA puke invasion of the AVMA convention, Ron is ‘reconsidering the demonstration’. This PETA puke bull crap stinks like week old fish, and you can quote me. All American Tales Down East Dipstick
Spencer's Gifts an ‘adult business’? Give me a break! A Golden D’Oh Moment It started as planned, with the firearm brandishing and the demand for a cash infusion. It went to crap, when Eddys got a free lesson from the federal Justice Department firearms instructor who is an expert in disarming an attacker.
If it wasn’t for bad luck, Eddys wouldn’t have any luck at all. Yakima Killjoys
The fossils call this infraction ‘indecent exposure’. The Free State of PIG calls this edict Killjoy Crap-o-la. Don’t Mess With Sheriff Joe The last time we checked in on our favorite law enforcement officer, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, he was fuming over the federal investigation of his department. Bristling, Sheriff Joe repudiated the political witch hunt that was determined to nail him for ‘discrimination and unconstitutional searches’. After putting up with that crap for a few weeks, Sheriff Joe is launching his own investigation. He’s determined to shine a glaring Sheriff Joe spotlight on the feds who are investigating him.
Give the Colonista coddling bastards hell, Joe. The Free State of PIG has your back. MAY 2009
Red, White and Blue Tales Tennessee Twerp With an Agenda
Following the breadcrumbs, Newsmax found the reason for Tommy boy’s antics. Crumb 1: ‘...[An article on the New English Review website] written by a retired U.S. army intelligence officer, Jerome Gordon, warns of the growing problems caused by the recent influence of several thousand Somali Muslim refugees who have come to work for a nearby Tysons Food plant to replace illegal Hispanic meat packers...’ Crumb 2: ‘...Negri appeared at a 2003 pro-immigration event on the same dias with a well-known Somali warlord, Gordon told Newsmax...’ Crumb 3: Negri also serves on the board of advisors of the Tennessee Immigrant and Refugee Rights Coalition, TIRRC, an activist group that states its mission “is to empower immigrants and refugees throughout Tennessee to develop a unified voice” and “defend their rights.” The group boasts of having helped to defeat an “English only” amendment this January that would have required all Nashville government communications to be in English. Crumb 4: ‘...In a written statement to the conference organizers, Negri said that the hotel had “not received any information related to a specific security threat concerning this event,” and declined to provide any justification for cancelling it at the last minute...’ Thomas Negri is a gutless scumbag who won’t admit that he canceled the conference for strictly ‘personal’ not ‘professional’ reasons. Spreading It Around The facts: Desmond is 29 years old. Desmond has sired 21 children, whose ages range from newborn to 11. Desmond has been fruitful and multiplied with 11 different women. He sired four of his children, by four different mommies, in the same year. There are, everyone thinks, more women who got urped by Desmond who are expected make themselves known. The proper authorities want to coerce Desmond into supporting his brood, but, even if they take half of this loser’s pay, it’s less than $2.00 a week, per child. Parting shot: Desmond swears he’s going to quit the daddy game, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it. All You Have To Do Is Ask The fun ensued, when Francis set Rochelle off, by calling her - GASP, SHUDDER, CRINGE - a ‘CLERK’. A CLERK? Has this man no shame? I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you, and so was Rochelle who responded with a heartfelt "bite me". How did Francis react? He interpreted Rochelle’s rejoinder literally, and - TA DA - bit her. Charged with disorderly conduct, Francis will do his best to explain his sense of humor to a black robe, in a Connecticut courtroom. Flori-DUH Fathead Our hero’s name is Paul Congemi and, if everything goes according to plan, this legend in his own mind will be setting up shop in the St. Petersburg mayor’s office. He’s so full of himself, and it, that’s he’s already trying to throw his Mayor Paul weight around, before those infamous chads are punched. His adventure began, when high roller Paul sauntered into his favorite eatery, KFC, and ordered an eight-piece chicken meal. While he waited for his sumptuous feast, he amused himself by admiring the chicken shack’s jukebox. The fun kicked into high gear when the assistant manager told Paul his meal was ready. First, Paul got snarky: "That’s not my (expletive) food.", he snarled, before showering obscenity-laced pleasantries on several KFC employees. Next, when asked to leave, Paul refused to go, kicking his rant up several notches, when one of the chicken wranglers laughed at him. Paul hit his stride when the cops showed up. The ensuing pleasantries included - but are not limited to - these gems:
If Paul wanted to make himself unforgettable for the local voters, he can hang out his ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. If he wanted to make himself memorable at KFC, he got that job done in style. He’s such a legend at the chicken shack, that he has been banned from patronizing them. American Tales Picky, Picky, Picky At best, Ryan’s new high school musical show got mixed reviews from the members of the Lima High School choir, after he invited them to a sneak preview of the show:
No good dead goes unpunished? Perhaps, but if you’ve spent any quality time in Lima, you’d know why Ryan decided to give it a long overdue, albeit fictionalized, upgrade. Petty Buckeye State Tyrants Did Marlene knuckle under? Now way. Best of all, the richly deserved blowback from rational adults forced the condo clowns to beat a hasty retreat:
Marlene won’t take down the flag until the Iraq war is over and her son returns home. Give the bastards hell, Marlene. The entire Free State of PIG thanks your son for his service to his country. Gorgeous Golf Gals An enterprising, Las Vegas-based, capitalist’s new venture, Play Golf Designs, is creating quite a sensation on the local golf links. Eager to make an otherwise boring game a thrill a minute, this visionary capitalist is giving the game some badly needed sex appeal:
Before you book that flight to Sin City, you might want to check the status of your bank balance. Depending on the ‘size and scope of the outing’, the price for skilled at golf eye candy isn’t cheap: prices start at $2,500 and can run as high as $25,000. As expected, the usual, NO-NAD suspects aren’t thrilled spitless over Nisha’s nifty golf upgrade:
Unimpressed, Nisha mounts this vigorous defense of her enriching golf business:
Give the NO-NADS hell, Nisha. The Free State of PIG likes your style. Story Update PIGster regulars will remember - fondly, I trust - a food-wrangling Reading (Ohio) capitalist, Kenny Tessel, who kicked some life into his business - K.T.’s Barbecue - by deploying a busty store mannequin in a revealing bikini. That simple attention grabber managed to erase the 40% drop in Kenny’s business. Everything was spiffy, for all concerned, until ‘they’ stuck their nose into Kenny’s business. ‘They’ are those perpetual killjoys, the local zoning council, who declared the mannequin ‘signage’ and imposed some asinine restrictions on her:
The Free State of PIG backs Kenny 100%, but we do have one pesky issue that needs to be resolved. How did he come up with the name "Bar Be Q"? Could he be a closet PIGster who decided to honor PIG’s legendary hottie, Barbi Q. Ribs? It’s Enquiring minds time, again, in the PIG Bunker. Braying, Food Nazi Jackass It’s called the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) and it’s the unrivaled leader of the pack, when it comes to Food Nazi bull crap. In fact, CSPI spews more bull crap than all the bovines on this planet, combined. Unfortunately, the scientifically challenged deadheads in government - at all levels - swallow this bull crap, a fetid fact which explains the Nanny State’s unrelenting front assaults on food. This week, one of the biggest turds who infests the reeking asshole named CSPI, Michael Jacobson, dumped this steaming load at a confab of the Senate Finance Committee:
Just getting started, Mikey pulled this reality-insulated stinker out of his butt:
Welcome to the wonderful world of junk science, where the rules of engagement are simple: "Don’t try to confuse me with the facts. It’s true because I said it." The Chicago Way In the Windy City, working for the ruling Demoncrat junta is, in essence, a license to steal. Take, for example, the antics of Zodak Yonan, who works as an aide to Alderman Thomas Tunney. Convinced that his shit doesn’t stink, Zodak made the command decision that his job exempted him from feeding those parking meters. Only the rabble must pay the new dramatically increased parking meter fees, but not Zodak. Bold as brass, Zodak made a sign for his car - "44th Ward Official Business" - affixed the city seal to it - a crime - then deployed it on the dashboard of his ride, while he shuffled paper in one of Alderman Tunney’s offices in the 44th Ward. Did it work? You better believe it, Sparky. The Parking Nazis played along with Zodak’s game and gave him free parking privileges, giving him one up on his boss, who still has to feed those parking meters. Zodak’s petty theft - robbing the city of revenue - hit a speed bump, after someone ratted him out to the Chicago Tribune. Cutting to the chase, the Tribune called Alderman Tunney and asked him about Zodak’s antics:
The following tidbit puts this story in its proper context:
Room temperature patriotism...city sanctioned thuggery? That, as a movie character so aptly put it, is ‘the Chicago way’. Great Northwest Nitwit Doubleheader Yakima Peep Show The mayor wants to rein in the baristas and, I hate the sound of it, make them cover up the goodies, while they dispense their java concoctions.
If Mayor Dave gets his way, these bikini bars, and their booty-licious baristas, would be condemned to the not so tender mercy of the bureaucrats administering the city’s new Adult Business Ordinance. That Draconian bit of Nanny State nitwitdom would, quite likely, put all the bikini shops out of business:
A coffee shop is an ‘adult’ business? It is, in Mayor Dave’s dirty little mind, because he’s convinced that these bikini and nightie clad baristas are selling a lot more than high-priced coffee with a liberal splash of sex appeal. If the bikini clad baristas are a problem, it’s the marketplace, not the Nanny State, that will teach these coffee cuties the errors of their ways. Until then, Mayor Dave and his cohorts need to butt the hell out. Spokane Smoke Nazis Step In It This fiasco hit high gear, in March, when, without any advance notice, the parks wrangling punks imposed a smoking ban on ALL city parks, INCLUDING GOLF COURSES. Their brain fart had to be ‘no harm, no foul’, they surmised, because nobody could possibly object. Nobody? They know better, now:
There are still sovereign individuals living in the Great Northwest Nitwit heartland? I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you. Second Amendment Hero If the gunmen who invaded the birthday party he was throwing in his apartment had their way, party host Charles Baily and his 9 guests would be death statistics. The two gun-packing men who crashed the party, wasted no time in getting down to business. After collecting all their victims’ wallets and cell phones, they separated the men from the women. From there, things took an ominous turn, when the invaders discussed their ammo supply and concluded that they “had enough”. The looming massacre hit a speed bump, after one invader took the women into another room, leaving his cohort to guard the men. With the home invading thugs separated, and sensing there was no time to waste, our Second Amendment hero made his move:
The Free State of PIG is pleased to report that would-be rapist, Calvin Lavant, was found dead, near his apartment which was only one building way. We’re relieved to report that a young woman who was wounded in the crossfire, is expected to make a full recovery. Best of all, the other would-be murderer, who got away, is on borrowed time, since the proper authorities have him in their sights. Like party host Baily, PIG is profoundly grateful for the courage and marksmanship of our Second Amendment hero, who, quite literally, saved the lives of 10 partygoers. APRIL 2009
American News Nuggets Marching Over Muggers In Mexifornia It all started out as planned, for the two muggers, when they came up behind our heroine, grabbed her coat and demanded money. They asked for money but what they got was a painful lesson in ‘manners’. Mugger one got a reality check, when our heroine punched him in the nose. His partner in crime didn’t fare much better, when our heroine punted his nuts into the next Zip Code. Game, set, match? Hardly, our heroine was just getting started. After getting the muggers’ undivided attention, our heroine put her marching band baton to good use, by beating the living snot out of the punks with it. Eventually, our heroine got tired of thrashing the muggers and beat a hasty retreat. When last seen the muggers were still wondering what hit them. Parting shot: Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust said a mouthful, when he sounded this warning to other Quartz Hill muggers: "The moral to this story is don't mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve. Final score: marching band 2, thugs 0." Cornhusker Con Game This week, Jonathan got up close and personal with the Nebraska court system with an urgent request. Curiously, it’s not a plea for a ‘get out of jail free’ card, but he’d probably like that, too. Jonathan, is tired of being Jonathan, so he petitioned the court to change his name to - I am NOT making this up - "Sinner Lawrence Bilskirnir". Sinner I get, but what’s up with ‘Bilskirnir’? Nebraska authorities shot the request down, but not for the obvious - it’s a STUPID name - reasons:
Jonathan is bummed, but he has ample time to retool his name change request then try, try, again. It will keep him occupied while he cools his heels in the graybar suite that will be his home until 2014. Parting shot: Rumors that Jonathan is considering "Repent Sinner Lawrence Bilskirnir" on his next petition can’t be confirmed at press time. The Great American Shirk Ethic? Is the American work ethic alive and well? I hope so, but this tidbit from WGAL makes me wonder if the American work ethic is turning into a Messiah Barry-inspired American ‘shirk’ ethic:
Is this an isolated case? I certainly hope so, but Messiah Barry is a gifted huckster who makes ‘shirking’ seem irresistible. I invite any unemployed, willing to learn, individual in the Lancaster (Pennsylvania) area to prove me wrong, by heading down to Lancaster Nissan for a job interview. Rob Allen says that he can teach any willing worker how to sell cars. Line forms at the right, American work ethic Sparky. From Sea To Shining Sea Whining for Dollar$ Scumbag claimed that he ‘was suing on behalf of “all males across the country who applied for the position of waiter at a Hooters restaurant and were denied,” and suggested all Hooters franchisees be certified as defendants’ (Fox News). For all his men’s rights bull crap, Scumbag showed his true colors when he negotiated an out of court - Ka Ching - settlement with the Corpus Christi franchise. Fox News served up this noxious news nibbles:
I understand why Hooters might give Scumbag ‘go the hell away’ money. I understand it, but I’m bummed that they didn’t handle it the old fashioned way. Hire the bastard, stuff him into the Hooters hottie rig, then send him out there so the REAL Mexas men could take Scumbag out back where they would show him the errors of his ways. Is this pagan scribbler saying that Scumbag needs an ass-kicking? You better believe it, give him one in the nuts from me Sparky. Move Over Turkey Fryer Sparky It’s the next big thing and there are already a legion of troublemakers lurking in cyberspace, eager to sell ‘Sparky’ a make your own biodiesel kit for less than $500. For those killjoys who insist on having a set of instructions, there are ‘hundreds of how-to guides’ available online. A free how-to guide and a kit for less than $500? What could possibly go wrong? The Contra Costa Times shared these cautionary tales:
Here, in the Free State of PIG, we salute those enterprising home refiners who are willing to roll fate’s dice so they can say ‘bite me Exxon’. We salute them, but we ask all free ranging rational adults to stand clear when the fool who has already torched 5 turkey fryers goes for that home refiner gold. Don’t Mess With Ted When he stopped, the men approached, then the first man greeted Ted with a sucker punch that gave him a black eye. Dazed, but not too dazed, 84 years young Ted, summoned some of that fighting spirit which carried him through World War II, and later on as a minion in the U.S. penal system.
By that time, Ted was feeling the effects of that sucker punch, but he stayed conscious long enough for help to arrive. When he came to, in a local hospital, Ted found out that, thanks to an alert bystander, the cops managed to bag, tag, and drag Ted’s assailants. You’ve still got what it takes, Ted, and the Free State of PIG salutes you for kicking some punk ass. Red, White & Blue, Through ‘n Through A Match Made South of Heaven Driving much too fast, he missed a turn, then went careening down the wrong way on another street. In a mood for some ‘action’, he hit two parked cars, then perpetrated some stunt driving, by rolling over his ride. It’s at this point in the festivities that he did a header into his match made south of heaven, by slamming into a car which was driven - TA DA - by another drunk as a skunk driver. As a result, both of these gassed road warriors were bagged, tagged, and dragged to the local graybar hotel for DUI. To quote the legendary Hannibal Smith, "I just love it when a plan comes together." (Sigh) Begging for it, in Oregon
Resisting arrest? Hell yes. DUI? You bet, and it’s not the first time, since there was an outstanding warrant for failure to appear for a prior DUI charge. Driving on a suspended license? That too. Felony attempt to elude in a vehicle, reckless driving, and reckless endangerment? Yup, yup, and yup. Any bonus charges? Yup. Our hero qualified for a drug charge, when the cops found an ounce of weed in Paul’s ride. Bagged, tagged, and dragged? Yes, and not a moment too soon. Unlikely Hero
Who, exactly, is this heroic ‘Caveman’? He’s a homeless dude who, reportedly, doesn’t want any publicity, and refuses to take the handouts of food offered by the kindhearted Quik Thrift staff. Eventually, Caveman - real name Don Smith - told his side of the heroic tale to a boob tube news crew that tracked him down:
You’re okay, Don, and you can quote us on that. From Sea To Shining Sea Red-Faced in Vancouver Did they find the culprits? You bet. They followed their noses from the lake, to Burnt Bridge Creek, then finally a 1970's vintage building in Vancouver. And who, you ask, does business out of that building? The Department of Fish and Game, the Army Corps of Engineers and - TA DA - the Department of Ecology. That’s right pigsters they searched high and low, far and wide before discovering that the problem was uncomfortably close to home. The building owner is paying to have the sewer line from the Department of Ecology’s office building disconnected from the storm drain and re-routed to the municipal sewer system. At the same time, the greeniac regulators are frantically trying to wipe that ‘polluter in the mirror’, uh, egg from their faces. I Wanna Go Home! Roberto stripped down to the buff, then started running down a busy Port St. Lucie street, bellowing that he was an illegal alien and he wanted to be deported. He hoped that, by getting arrested and taken to jail, he could qualify for the express lane to a one-way ticket to Mexico. All you needed to do is ask, dude. Parting shot: Roberto’s plan ‘A’ was kicked to the curb, when someone told him that punching out a cop was not a spiffy idea. That’s when he went with plan ‘B’ as in BUTT NAKED, and the rest is history. American Tales Girls Will Be Girls Unhappily, the laws are written so badly, they apply to people who are, per any rational adult, not the kind of people we need to be bagging, tagging and dragging as a ‘registered sex offender’. Take, for example, the case of a 14 year old New Jersey wenchlet, who just got busted for possession of, distribution of, kiddie porn. Holy pervert wenches, Batman? Not exactly. The girl in question took 30 ‘explicit nude pictures’ of HERSELF and posted them on her MySpace page. Eventually, the folks at America’s National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, ratted her out to the cops. Faster than a speeding donut shard, the cops had bagged, tagged, and dragged the wenchet and put her on the fast track to 17 years in the slammer and lifelong registered sex offender status. That’s BULL SHIT and you can quote me. She’s 14 and she’s got a lot to learn, but she’s NOT a child pornographer. I’m pleased to report that a few rational, New Jersey, adults see the utter insanity of this Jihad against a 14 year old wenchlet whose idea of ‘modesty’ needs work:
She’s 14 and she needs some tough, parental, love. She does NOT need to have her life destroyed by having a registered sex offender label pinned on her wenchlet butt. A Pain In The Ass
Did Inez get her day in court? Yup. Did justice prevail? It’s headed that way. Judge David Viviano fined her $500 for naming Liberty in the lawsuit. He hit Inez with another $500 fine for missing a court appearance. If she hasn’t paid up by April 13, 2009, her entire case will be dismissed. Hoosier Family Values After the lad was bagged, tagged, and dragged to the drunk tank, the proper authorities contacted the lad’s father, who just happens to be the county coroner. Would papa care to come and fetch his son’s car? He would, and did, showing up a tad less drunk than his son. The ensuing encounter with the drunk-o-meter, put papa’s blood alcohol level at 0.10, more than enough to qualify him for a slot in the drunk tank with his son. Feel free to invoke the venerable adage about apples and trees, father-son bonding Sparky. Hoosier House Call I know what you’re thinking but these visitors aren’t family members who showed up for a prolonged sojourn with the couple. They visitors were, in fact, state troopers who were dropping in to check up on Lloyd and Tiffany, both of whom are on probation. They were, as you’re poised to discover, utterly unprepared for a pop ‘inspection’ of their domicile:
You’re on probation and you’re running a meth lab out of your home? Wow! That’s stupidity on steroids, PIGsters. MARCH 2009
American News Nuggets Wolverine State Rampage How bad is this on-going reign of terror? You be the judge:
Who are these hooligans. They’re members of Meleagris gallopavo, a large breed of native North American bird who, in this instance, took the ‘wild’, in Wild Turkey to new levels. Bold new concept. Cat Fight At The Court House It started, simply enough, when both women showed up at the Lawrence District Court building to support the man in their life. Things went, from ‘I’m here for you baby’ to ‘You’re dead meat scumbag and I’ll scratch the hussy’s eyes out’ after the two women discovered that they were both there in support of the SAME boyfriend. Holy two-timers, Batman! The North Andover (Massachusetts) fishwrap, the Eagle Tribune, shares these ‘girls’ really going wild particulars:
If this is what they’re doing to each other, you really don’t want to know what they do to HIM, when they get their hands on him. Take a hint, dude, beg the cops to lock your two-timing ass in a graybar suite, where they can’t get at you. Young Buckeye State Hero
This week, Matt got his props from the Waterville Village Council. On April 16th, he’ll be feted at the Safety Council of Northwest Ohio annual Hero Awards Banquet. On April 20th, the Anthony Wayne school board will take its turn honoring our young hero. With all those honors under his belt, Matt will have a few weeks to catch his breath, to prepare him for the AAA School Safety Patrol Lifesaving Award, a national award Matt will receive in our nation’s capitol on at the May 18-20 confab. Matt Krause is a hero and the entire Free State of PIG salutes him for keeping his cool and pulling Cole Dorner out of harm’s way. This young ‘un is alright, and you can quote us on that. Answering the Call in Flori-DUH The alarm came from the courtyard swimming pool, where a 10 year old girl was floating near the bottom of the pool:
By the time Jarvis extricated the girl from the pool, a neighbor woman, a nurse, was on the scene to start CPR on the girl, keeping it up, until the paramedics arrived to continue the life-saving endeavor that Jarvis had started by jumping into the pool. Although still breathing with the aid of a ventilator, the girl is alive and on the road to recovery, thanks to Jarvis. The Free State of PIG salutes you, Jarvis. Nice save, dude. Very nice save. All-American Tales Getting Physical At Cypress High
By demonstrating his ability to keep a cool head in a crisis, Sam proved, to our satisfaction, that he’s got the right stuff for that firefighter job he has set his sights on. Nice save Sam. You’re aces in our book. An American Story Eager to get on with his life, Richard talked his dad into lying for him, by telling the Naval Reserve that Richard was 17, the minimum age to sign up. His impulsive action made him part of American history. After being called up to active duty in January 1941, Richard Thill was sent to Hawaii. On December 7, 1941, as a crewman aboard the destroyer USS Ward, Richard was part of the crew who fired the first U.S. shot of World War II. That’s when the USS Ward attacked and sank a two-man mini submarine, which was trying to sneak into Pearl Harbor. Nearly 70 years after he left Humboldt Senior High School in St. Paul Minnesota, Richard Thill was invited back to address a student assembly about his military experiences. When he got there, the school had a special surprise for him, an honorary high school diploma, dated June 8, 1942. Was Richard Thrilled spitless? You better believe it, Sparky. Like the students and faculty at Humboldt High School, the entire Free State of PIG is on its feet, giving Richard a standing ovation. Thank you for your service, Richard. You’re one of the reasons they call your generation, the ‘Greatest Generation’. Moonlighting As expected, his neighbors weren’t thrilled with the increase of traffic in the neighborhood, at all hours of the day and night, so they ratted out Jeffrey to the proper authorities. When the cops showed up at Jeffrey’s digs with a search warrant, he was very cooperative:
We applaud Jeffrey’s entrepreneurial spirit, and give his one man economic stimulus plan a rousing thumbs up. It’s a damn shame the proper authorities can’t get with the program. Life is so sucky, that way. American & PIG-Worthy Up On The Rooftop... It wasn’t a deer, or a reindeer. It was a moose, the same moose he’d spotted earlier, resting next to his garage door. Apparently, the moose didn’t take it kindly, when Ward and his neighbors shooed it away. Unwilling to take that crap from humans who intruded on his stomping grounds, the moose returned and made himself right at home, on Ward’s roof. Eventually, the critter took a hint and sought refuge elsewhere. And you think you’ve got critter problems, try this one on for size, Sparky. Tax THEM, Not Me One group of nature lovers isn’t paying ‘its fair share’ of the cost for DIF&W biologists, game wardens and assorted other programs. It’s probably not the kind of people who just popped into your mind. The people in question are those low tech greeniacs, who use a kayak or a canoe to travel the relevant waterways. The DIF&W critter wranglers would like to rectify that:
Did the greeniacs cheerfully agree that they, too, should pay for their back to nature endeavors? Did they volunteer to put their money where their relentless yapping mouths are? You can’t be that simple:
Other greeniacs insisted that they should not be ‘compelled’ to pay for their communing with nature. Instead, they suggested that the DIF&W find ways for greeniacs to ‘donate’, ‘voluntarily’. The DIF&W had a ready response for that one which translates as: "Been there, done that. You tree huggers are ready, willing and eager, when it comes to looting someone else’s wallet. But, for all your back to nature hot air, you’re the cheapest bunch of hypocrites on this, or any other, planet." Making Boobies of Themselves Now, if we’re all ready, here are the perky pulchritude baring particulars from Fox News:
Undercover officers egging the wenches on? Holy bobby traps, Batman! Yeah, I know, I should have done a Joe Friday on this one and stuck with ‘Just the facts, ma’am.’ Live and learn. PIG-Worthy American Tales Timely Advice
When last seen, Joseph was repeating a line from one of my lovely bride’s favorite flicks, "Listen to papa. Listen to papa." Not On My Watch, Dude He sensed trouble heading his way, when he spotted someone backing a car into a parking stall, then stay there with the motor running. Moments later, the theft he expected unfolded, when a man grabbed a 36-pack of brewskies and raced out the door. A perfect, albeit petty, crime? Not exactly.
Fullerton Police Sgt. Mike MacDonald has mixed reviews for our heroic grocery cart wrangler:
If you need that dose of ‘don’t try this at home’ translated into PIGlish, I’ve got it covered: "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" NIMBY Panty Twister The neighbors are outraged, but they’re SOL, because everything Wayne did is to code, including the elevation of the structure, making their complaints to the proper authorities pointless. Some of his neighbors get that, but they still insist that he’s spitting in their faces. Is Wayne the least bit sorry? You be the judge.
As expected, Wayne has a different point of view on his ‘barn’. Originally, the ‘barn’ was supposed to be a guest house. But, before he could build his ‘main’ house, the economy went into the crapper, putting a sizeable dent in Wayne’s disposable income. Parting shot: Would I want a big red barn in my neighborhood? Not necessarily, but, if one existed, I would need to get over it. Why? Their property. Their call. It’s called ‘liberty’ and it’s not always pretty or a thrill a minute. When the baby shouts, I whip it out Driving the car? Check. Transporting tykes to school? Check. Talking on the cell phone? Check. Propping a baby on the steering wheel so it could breast-feed? Yahtzee! Unable to appreciate this heroic multi-tasking episode, another motorist - a man - called the proper authorities and reported our heroine’s heroic feat. When he shouted pleasantries, warning Genine about the precarious position the baby was in, he got this earful of Genine wisdom: "You want to pop your titty out and breast-feed this kid?" Unable to accept that challenge, the other driver reported Genine’s license tag to the cops then moved on down the road. Eventually, the police found the time to track Genine down. At first, after she admitted her multi-tasking, the proper authorities tried to tag her for endangering a child. Eventually, after they failed to serve her the requisite papers, and the blowback reached critical mass, they dropped that idea and they, too, got on with their lives. FEBRUARY 2009
Utterly American Tales Sticker Shock On Steroids When he finished, the gas pump registered a debit card friendly $26, a modest sum that’s far from a king’s ransom. However, due to those pulse accelerating terrors of technology, Juan’s transaction at By-Pass Deli and Conoco was promoted from the $26 he actually spent, to the - I am NOT making this up - $81,400,836,908 that he was charged on his debit card. That’s right, the bright bulbs at PayPal, where he got his debit card, nailed him for more than $81 billion in dead presidents for a tank of gas. Did everyone get a good laugh over this OBVIOUS technological tantrum? Not exactly:
Did Juan learn from this header into those shark infested terrors of technology waters? You bet: "I guess the moral of the story is ‘pay cash’ ". Sound thinking, dude. The Great Chase The fun began, when a Harris County (Mexas) sheriff deputy made a routine police stop around 4 p.m. When he sauntered up to exchange pleasantries, the two occupants of the car decided to forgo the chat. Instead, they took off at a high speed. After the usual automotive bobbing and weaving, the suspects crashed their car, which ended up balanced on two of its four wheels. Once again, the badge packers approached the car for an exchange of pleasantries. Once again, they were thwarted, when the car righted itself back on all four wheels and the chase resumed. After more automotive bobbing and weaving, the suspects crashed their ride, again. This time, the cops managed to bag, tag, and drag one of the occupants, but the other occupant managed to escape. Case closed? Not quite yet:
Only in America? You better believe it, Thunder Road Sparky. Two of Kind in West Linn, Oregon The breaking news started routinely enough, when the proper authorities bagged, tagged, and dragged Pavel Borisovich Rostilov for drunk driving, within spitting distance of his home. Following their rules of engagement, the cops exiled Pavel to the local graybar hotel, ordered his ride impounded, then sent for a tow truck. Case closed? Hardly. The real fun was just getting started:
After 45 minutes of "Put down your weapon and come out", and the Ruskie equivalent of "Bite me.", Pavel’s too fun for words bride cut the crap and gave up. She too was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar. But, unlike her hubby, she is facing menacing and disorderly conduct charges, in addition to her DUI infraction. Holy Loopholes, Batman! That’s what happened, recently in Cleveland (Ohio, DUH), when a law degreed driver ran afoul of a red light camera:
By and large, lawyers aren’t our idea of a good time. BUT, in this case we give well earned PIG props to Blake Dickson, who turned that ‘letter of the law’ fine print against the red light camera asshats. A Sinking Empire State Investment In theory, on paper, buying a ferryboat named the ‘Islander’ from a Bay State cabal seemed like a spiffy investment. For a mere $500,000, New York Harbor would have a vessel which had proven seaworthy during decades of service on the journey between Woods Hole and Martha’s Vineyard. It was a steal and cheap at twice the price, or was it?
Why, you ask, didn’t someone go look at the blasted thing before throwing half a million in dead presidents at a rusting, unseaworthy, hulk? Jon Meyers insists that during the allotted inspection time - three weeks - nobody had time to travel the interstellar distances between New York and Massachusetts. Yeah, right, dude. Will these Empire State asshats throw good money after bad? Nope. Somehow, a rational adult found his way into the state Office of General Services and persuaded the Nanny State nitwits to cut their losses. When last seen, the Islander had been set adrift on eBay, where the highest of the 34 bids is a mere pittance: $14,800. Parting shot: If you’ve got a rusting hulk that was, in bygone days, a ferry boat, the Empire State chumps are still in the market. You might as well try your luck, because you might do as well as those shifty - a pig in a poke - Bay State devils. An American Solution When Hurricane Ike slammed into Mexas, the storm surge hammered the cattle wranglers in Jefferson and Chambers counties especially hard. With 600 square miles of the counties under water, dead cows were everywhere and the surviving cattle were scattered far and wide. Making matters worse, when the water receded, the fields were a mess: stripped bare of that essential fencing, grass killed by saltwater, and water supplies tainted with saltwater. Faced with financial ruin, the ranchers needed help, lots of help. They got it, but it didn’t come from FEMA or Uncle Sam. It came from friends, neighbors and an unlikely group of strangers:
Hard hit by their own recession-related problems, these strangers traveled far from home to help out some fellow Americans who needed a helping hand, and, in the process, impressed everyone they met with their work ethic:
Messiah Barry would do well to pay attention to this American solution. He should put down his Marxist tomes, stop taking calls from George Soros, and trying thinking ‘American’ for the first time in his life. He should pay attention to the kind of solutions rank and file Americans can find, when they get together, voluntarily, to attack a problem. Out of Bondage, Finally
Until they complete the home confinement phase, on March 20th, both men are under strict rules which include avoiding the press. From the bottom of our hearts, the entire PIG staff says "Welcome Home" to these brave men whose only crime was defending our nation’s sovereignty. Parting shot: They are free, but this injustice still casts a long, dark shadow over their lives. We will watch, very closely, while the Ramos and Compean family move up the judicial food chain, trying to have their conviction overturned. Ramos and Compean are home, where they belong, but their fight for justice continues. American Tales Red-Faced In Utah
Shielded by false addresses and intermediaries who didn’t have a clue, the scammers, have, so far, pulled it off without risking a justice system encounter. Looming Shyster Rampage So far, the shysters have served up at least 40 separate assaults, but one firm, Indianapolis-based Cohen & Malad, is going with their strength, by seeking to unite the separate assaults into a single, class-action pillaging, of the two outposts of capitalism.
So far, Netflix isn’t making any public statements. Its partner in the bull’s-eye, Wal-Mart, served up a reasonable ‘nothing to see here’ defense, for all the good it will do them:
In one way, I’ll be glad when the Marxist Messiah nationalizes all American businesses. Why? Because that will leave the Nanny State itself, as the only viable target for Trial Lawyer turd pillaging. American Through & Through Third Time’s A Charm The first time the relevant justice system officials exchanged pleasantries with our hero was in May 2008. That’s when his drunk in public antics earned him his first ‘public intoxication’ merit badge from a humor-challenged judge. Lesson learned? Not exactly. By December, Jonathan surrendered to the Siren Song of drunk as a skunk and was, once more, bagged, tagged, and dragged to a courtroom where he earned his second public intoxication merit badge from a judge. This time, the judge ordered Jonathan to report to the Johnson Count Jail on February 3rd, 2009 for a three day vacation in a graybar guest suite. Did that prospect sober Jonathan up? Not exactly. Jonathan grabbed for the third time’s a charm brass ring, when he arrived for his graybar guest appointment - TA DA - gassed to the gills on adult beverage. How gassed? His first spin on the dunk-o-meter racked up an impressive .101. An hour later, the cops hooked him up for a second, drunk-o-meter ride, during which he nailed it with a still impressive .055. What, you ask, did he win for his public intoxication trifecta? He’s headed for his third, consciousness raising, encounter session in a Johnson County court room. Good luck with that, dude. You’re probably going to need it. Eyesore? One of these homes belongs to Phil Zamange, a man who just did a header into Code Enforcement Nazi intransigence over his ‘unsightly’ lawn which ‘contributes to blight in your neighborhood. Can you guess which lawn belongs to Phil? Probably, but for those slow on the uptake PIGsters, here’s the relevant dose of bureaucratic butthead abuse:
That’s right PIGsters, these Mexifornia Code Enforcement Goose-steppers think Phil’s $7,000 artificial turf is ‘unsightly’ and riddled with ‘blight’. They gave him 30 days to replace it or get nailed with a $746 fine. I hope he replaces it with weeds, like the dude down the street, which, since it’s ‘living vegetation’, is neither unsightly or riddled with blight. What’s wrong with this picture? EVERY-DAMN-THING!!!!!! White Castle Serves It Up Owning up to the mistake, White Castle went the extra mile to make things right. In addition to refunding the towing costs, White Castle has offered free food to the soldiers. Far from finished, the restaurant chain donated $5,000 for soldiers who were wounded while defending our nation. Nice recovery, White Castle. A Holy Crap Moment When you contemplate possible skydiving mishaps, you usual come up with a long list of plausible equipment failures. You probably won’t come up with the glitch that befell our hero, a 49-year old who was seeking free fall adventure in the skies over Chester, South Carolina. Seconds into the jump, our hero found himself lashed to a dead man. That’s right, PIGsters, the skydiving instructor had a fatal heart attack, mere moments after they jumped from the plane. The good news is that the first time jumper was able to complete the jump and live to tell the tale. The bad news is that the 5 minutes in the air prevented emergency medical responders to resuscitate the sky diving instructor. JANUARY 2009
Amazing, Amusing, Utterly American Birthday Boy The momentous moment transpired, when Gabriel’s mom brought some cupcakes to her son’s kindergarten class at Sutro Elementary School in Dayton, Nevada. While Gabriel and his classmates were chowing down on those homemade cupcakes, mom sprang her big surprise. It probably took some doing, but mom, eventually, got Gabriel to look at the ‘enormous wrapped box’ set off to one side of the classroom:
I know what you’re thinking and I had the same thought. I’m pleased to report that, even in a state like Nevada, which inflicted Dingy Harry Reid on America, there are Educrats who have the right stuff. A prime example is Gabriel’s teacher, Dawn Van Sickle, who was pleased to arrange for Gabriel’s very special birthday surprise:
Proving that she’s a properly patriotic American, Dawn presented Casey Hurles with a banner from the entire class which read: "Welcome Home. Thank you for your service." I have a feeling that Gabriel isn’t the only member of the Hurles family who will never forget this very special birthday celebration. The entire Free State of PIG speaks as one in this case when it says: thank you for your service, Spc. Hurles. Sisterly Smackdown As expected, from her graybar suite in Porter County (Indiana), Annmarie had a much different version of events. She just went to the Hebron (Indiana) festivities because she "just wanted to talk" to her sister and parents about family problems. Annmarie swears she has no idea how Lori got roughed up. Annmarie might not know, but the five witnesses who saw the whole thing, are ready, willing, and eager to rat Annmarie out, at her trial. Parting shot: There’s a fun fact that makes this epic doubly spiffy. After the ‘tear the bitch’s hair out’ festivities, Annmarie ‘resigned from her job as a Porter County 911 dispatcher’. Down East Demolition Derby It might have been nerves. It might have been distracted driving. It might have been any number of things that prompted the woman to blow through a stop sign and t-bone a SUV in the middle of the intersection. Whatever the cause, the crash brought the driving test to a resounding halt. D’oh. In addition to failing her test, the woman gets to explain to her insurance company how she racked up $8,000 of damage on two vehicles, during a driving test. Good luck with that, darlin’. Lessons The fun started, when a lit cancer stick, which Chessie left behind, set their San Luis Obispo (Mexifornia) abode on fire, causing $200,000 worth of damage to the mobile home and its contents. If that doesn’t propel Chessie into the non-smoker ranks, nothing will. Parting shot: Is it just me, or did those notoriously fickle fates go a tad too far with their tough love ‘evils of smoking’ lesson? Enquiring minds want to know. It’s For The Children The American Nanny State is poised to unleash a new federal edict that will ‘for the sake of the children’ remove a dastardly threat to their health from egregiously dangerous tyke lives. According to the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act, children must be protected, by any and all means necessary, from this deadly threat, even if it means keeping them out of their hands. And what, you ask, is this dire threat? Books. That’s right, books, which, the feds insist contain trace amounts of lead in certain inks used to print old, and some new, books.
Why can’t Johnny read? Because American health and safety Nazis made putting books in their hands impossibly complex and much too expensive. Be sure and send the Consumer Products Safety Commission a heartfelt ‘thank you’ for this stinker, PIGsters. Parting shot: The CSPC asshats know they stepped in it with this egregiously vague law, but being a federal bureaucrat means never having to say "Oops, my bad". Mystery Solved? Excluding the most likely reason ‘I know he’s a scumbag, but he’s our scumbag’, I was hard pressed to explain when Jihad Johnny Murtha kept getting re-elected to the U.S. Congress by his Keystone State constituents. I was confused, but I’m starting to see the light, now. The moment Messiah Barry pulled the plug on Club Gitmo, Jihad Johnny started shooting off his mouth about taking the terrorist scumbags home with him. Okay, ‘home’ isn’t quite as literal as you might think, but it’s very close. Jihad Johnny thinks it would be just spiffy to build a new graybar for these murdering rat bastards in his Pennsylvania district:
Yes, it’s the usual Jihad Johnny hot air, but, he’s not exactly the Lone Ranger, when it comes to this idea. Some twerps in his district have dreams of U.S. Treasury dollars dancing in their heads, at the prospect of a new prison in the ‘hood’.
There is, I’m pleased to report, at least one rational adult in Jihad Johnny’s district. His name is Bill Russell, the Iraq war vet who lost to Jihad Johnny in 2008 and plans to run against him, again, in 2010:
If Jihad Johnny thinks these 245 murderous Jihadikazes are such pussycats, I think HE should be forced to give them a place to live in his own home. I’m sure he’s willing to accept full, legal, responsibility for all of their future actions. Amazing American Tales Communication Breakdown in Pasco County Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Craig decided that Sunday afternoon - broad daylight - was the perfect time to break into a boat and help himself to its contents. His antics didn’t go unnoticed, which leads us to the ensuing justice system encounter and Craig’s communications problems:
PIG has two words of advice for Craig: SHUT UP! A Fool And His Money The fun ramped up, when Shane heard from his e-mail friend that her mother had died. Could Shane spare some additional cash to help pay for the funeral expenses? He could and did. That was the last Shane heard from the woman, who - you’ll be shocked - never answered any of his subsequent messages. Did he learn his lesson? Not exactly. The next phase of this fleecing started with another e-mail. This came from a woman who claimed to be a fellow victim. The woman with the sick mother was, the fellow victim explained, part of a Nigerian scam artist gang. Suitably alarmed, Shane was ripe for another plucking, which started with - TA DA - another e-mail. This time, the senders were FBI men, who were investigating the Nigerian fraud. They were eager to reunite Shane with his money, but needed his help to get that done. They would pursue his case, if, he could defray their travel expenses for their trip to Nigeria. Could Shane be that stupid? You better believe it, Sparky. Shane took out loans so he could finance Nigerian expeditions by three different FBI agents. By the time the dust settled, Shane was out nearly $200,000. The money is GONE, and there’s no chance that he’ll ever get it back, because the Nigerian police can’t be bothered. Utterly American Tales A Lad With the Right Stuff
Thanks to Tyler’s detailed description, an off duty Superior Police Detective, Jack Curphy, spotted the perp’s ride and tailed him, until some of his cohorts could bag, tag, and drag James Paulley to the local graybar. Without Tyler’s attention to detail, the desperado, who was on his way out of town, would have eluded capture. These events took place in July 2008, but they’re still resonating in Superior, where, recently, the proper authorities honored Tyler for his good citizenship. Seeing Green In Bay City
At least one killjoy worries that mixing green dye with the brown water won’t necessarily turn the river green. Here in the PIG bunker, we had the same thought. Whatever the case, the greeniacs at Michigan’s Department of Environmental Quality have agreed to ‘consider’ the idea. They don’t give a rip about the river’s color, but they do worry about the effect that green dye would have on water quality. Parting shot: I’ve seen the Saginaw River, up close and personal. Any change of color - green or otherwise - has to be an improvement. A Wild & Crazy Guy The fun started while the plane was getting ready to land at L.A. International Airport:
The Free State of PIG salutes the passengers who jumped on this wingnut. Obviously, the lessons learned on September 11, 2001 are still uppermost in airline passengers’ minds. PIG salutes the passengers on Delta Flight 110 from Atlanta to L.A., for a job very well done. By your actions, each of you proclaimed, "I am not a victim". A Down East Eye-Opener His first step was to retool the place into something more enriching. It’s not a new idea, since others have tried, and failed, to make similar ideas work, on the same location. Mac Daddy’s Pub came and went. The same is true of the Fat Cat Grille. Despite that, Donald is convinced he has the winning idea. What is he planning? Donald wants to open a coffee shop which will feature topless waitresses. Will it work? We don’t know, but he’ll need to sell the idea to the Vassalboro Planning Board, first, before he gets to road test the idea. Topless waitresses? Donald sounds like he’s been lurking in the Free State of PIG’s pinup page. From Sea To Shining Sea High Flying Heroics Up to the challenge, our 72 years young hero jumped from the second story of the townhouse. After making a soft landing on terra firma, he broke open a window on the first floor, then proceeded to, singlehandedly, extinguish the blaze. He had it all under control by the time the Batavia Fire Department arrived on the scene:
The townhouse sustained ‘significant fire damage and moderate heat damage’, but the two occupants were much luckier. They both suffered from smoke inhalation, and our hero also had some minor cuts on his feet, after walking on broke glass. Nice save, dude. Very nice save. Squeeze Play Stark naked and up to no good, the intruder cornered our heroine in the living room, then pushed her face down onto a chair. Unwilling to submit to an assault, the women ‘communicated’ her attitude by reaching behind her. Grabbing the rat bastard’s family jewels she gave him a healthy squeeze. Getting the message, the man tore free - OUCH - and fled. He did not, however make a clean getaway. His departure was noted by a county code enforcement officer who had heard a police call about the intruder on his radio. Spotting the car in question, the code enforcement officer passed along the car’s license plate to the cops who quickly bagged, tagged and dragged the house breaker to the local graybar hotel. For those keeping score, the bail in Multnomah County for burglary, harassment and private indecency is $110,000. Close, But No Cigar Eager to give an otherwise ‘dry’ site some visual impact, the byte wranglers at PCC Technology Group put the state Capitol in Madison in front of a ‘striking skyline’. There are, however, a few devilish details the made his image memorable. The skyline isn’t Madison. In fact, the skyline isn’t even in Wisconsin. The last time we checked, Minneapolis was in Minnesota. Finally, we might give the byte wranglers half credit, if the skyline was from the WRONG state capital. We can’t do that, either, because the capital of Minnesota is St. Paul, not Minneapolis. You’re not even close and don’t even think about that mythical cigar. Just go sit in the corner, dumbass. DECEMBER 2008
American Tales Unscheduled Arrival The local police passed the thrilling, "guess what", news along to something called the Pease Development Authority. They’re the ones who sent a rational adult out to find the 70 year old Christmas Day visitor. After a brief search, they found her then extricated her, and her silver Toyota, from the airport runway. Twilight Zone flight 12/25/08 now arriving at gate 13... Father of the Year Candidate Unhappily, his antics didn’t go unnoticed, prompting daddy to get into a tussle with the store’s loss prevention associate (Walmartese for a store detective). From there, things went down hill quickly for daddy:
Yup, in addition to being chilled to the bone, baby girl must be thrilled spitless that this clown is her daddy. Once Upon a Midnight Dreary... Boston’s claim to Poe is a good one, since he was born there in 1809. Richmond (Virginia) stakes its claim on the fact that Poe was raised there. Philadelphia stakes its claim on the houses where he lived, while he wrote some of his best-known stories. The Big Apple is quick to point out that he enjoyed his greatest literary success in New York City. Finally, Baltimore serves up two ‘winning’ tidbits: a house where he lived during his mid-20s and the fact that Poe’s grave is there. Since nobody is willing to share the glory, each city will have its own lavish, "Happy 200th Birthday, dude", celebration. Here in the Free State of PIG, we plan to hoist a drink, or two, in his honor on that memorable day. It’s the least we can do, after all the hours of entertainment that his writing gives us. Holy Irony, Batman! It’s not breaking news that 42 of the 72 attendees got sick after the party, but it’s not what you think, unless you’re thinking food poisoning. It’s still not breaking news when I tell you that the ‘employer’ is an outpost of the Nanny State. HOWEVER, our irony siren started blaring when we learned that this ptomain festival occurred at the Christmas party for the Lawrence County (Illinois) County Health Department. We’re left with two possibilities. The folks in the Lawrence County Department of Health are getting much too close to their, uh, work. OR, the folks in the Lawrence County Department of Health started feeling puny when they took a long, hard, look at the steaming load stinking up the Illinois governor’s office. Food poisoning at a Department of Health Christmas party? That’s off the scale irony, buffet grazer Sparky. Payback’s A Bitch There might be hope for this korrectnik infested blight after all. Despite the suffocating cultural Maxism that infests the Montgomery County (Maryland) cess-schools, some of their young ‘uns have fully functional synapses. I know that’s hard to believe, but we have proof. This adventure in teenage high spirits is called Speed Camera "Pimping" and as a form of payback, it’s very effective. Using glossy photo paper, and armed with special fonts that mimic the ones used on Maryland’s license plates, the game players create a license plate identical to the one on the car of their designated victim. Whenever possible, the player borrows a car similar to - or identical to - the one driven by their victim. Finally, after attaching the phony license plates to the car, the prankster seeks out the nearest speed camera. Once there, they earn their intended victim a traffic citation by deliberately speeding past the tattletale camera. Game, set, match? You better believe it, Sparky. The proper authorities are making ‘this is intolerable’ noises, but that rings hollow. They’re not going to lose sleep over their speed camera revenue stream. In the real world, Montgomery County’s handful of free ranging rational adults demand that, at minimum, the proper authorities clean up their act. One of them served up this PIG-worthy prose:
Montgomery Council President Phil Andrews shed a few crocodile tears over this scam, but he’s far from convincing when the bloviates that Speed Camera Pimping "could hurt the integrity of the Speed Camera Program". What a load of crap! Buckeye State Heads Roll Some heads have, belatedly, rolled in Ohio’s Joe The Plumber records search mini tempest. The primary culprit, a raving Obamunist bitch, Department of Job and Family Services Director, Helen Jones-Kelly, took herself out of the game by resigning. She’s full of self-pity, and ‘it’, based on this tidbit from a Yahoo News piece:
When you cut through all the whining, you’re left with one of two things. Either she knows something nasty is headed down the political food chain with her name on it. OR, she’s expecting to land a cushy new job - payment for services rendered - from her main man, soon to be President For Life, Messiah Barry Obama. Two other members of her department are also on their way out the door. Assistant department director, Fred Williams, will resign effective January 31, 2009, and, as of December 22, Doug Thompson’s position as deputy director of child support will be revoked. Elsewhere, the aftershocks of the Joe The Plumber scandal are still shaking the state capitol. That’s especially true in the state legislature where a bill is in the final stages of passage which will require ‘state agencies to determine proper circumstances for records to be checked and to authorize only specific individuals to perform those checks’. File this one, with your ‘closing the barn door after the horses have escaped’ news nuggets. PIG-Worthy New Year’s Eve Traditions For those of you who might be looking for a new, a different, way to mark the beginning of the New Year, here are some local traditions that might inspire you: In Bethlehem (Pennsylvania), they use a crane to drop an illuminated, 25 pound, fiberglass replica of a marshmallow candy called a Peep. ‘...Also in Pennsylvania, in the town of Lebanon, a 7 1/2-foot edible bologna made by the Weaver-Kutztown Bologna Company is lowered at midnight and then donated to area charities. In Key West, Fla., there are three such countdown celebrations: a conch shell lowered on a pole to the roof of Sloppy Joe's Bar, the lowering of "Drag Queen Sushi" in a 6-foot-tall shoe at the Bourbon Street Pub, and the descent of a costumed pirate "wench" from a schooner in the harbor. In Port Clinton, Ohio, the self-proclaimed "Walleye Capital of the World" drops a 20-foot, 600-pound fiberglass walleye fish at midnight. In Elmore, Ohio, there's a sausage fest, inspired by a local business, Tank's Meats. A lit-up 18-foot sausage drops to welcome in the New Year, but there's also a sausage toss and a sausage-eating contest. Mount Olive, N.C., has a pickle drop with a 3-foot-high glowing pickle plunging down the Mount Olive Pickle Company's flagpole into a tank. Raleigh, N.C., lowers a massive copper acorn weighing 1,250 pounds from atop the city's civic center as part of a First Night event. A giant gumbo pot is lowered in New Orleans to mark the New Year, along with fireworks on the Mississippi. In Easton, Md., a giant crab is what gets lowered as part of a First Night celebration, and in Plymouth, Wis., it's a great big hunk of cheese — though not an edible hunk...’ (Yahoo News) If none of those gets it done for you, then put on the old thinking cap and create your own New Year’s Eve festivities. The only limit on this one is your imagination. Here in the Free State of PIG we are looking forward to the annual New Year's celebration, during which we drop a captured - uh borrowed - Korrectnik into the mountain of cow shit at a local dairy farm. It makes me get misty, just thinking about that magic moment when the screams culminate in that ‘splat’, the instant that Korrectnik and cow shit collide. Feet Don’t Fail Me Now Omaha denizen, Herb Jenny, parlayed two bad ideas - hunting within the city limits, trying to outrun a train - into a PIG-worthy adventure. His date with destiny began, while he was out doing a bit of illegal hunting with his shotgun, and had his path blocked by Hell Creek. Unwilling to take the long way around, he decided to avail himself of a nearby railroad bridge which spanned the stretch of water. If you see where this is going, don’t spoil it for the merely mortal. The fun fact about that bridge is that it’s just wide enough to accommodate a train, with little room to spare. Herb was past the point of no return, when the train made his life thrilling. He ran. The train got closer. He decided to jump, but he slipped and the train clipped him, knocking him ass over tea kettle into some rocks below. Unable to extricate himself, Herb used his cell pone to call his son, who had the good sense to call 911. At the same time, the train crew stopped, and returned to check on Herb, who barely managed to elude that richly deserved date with Darwinian deselection. Herb is alive, but not in prime operating condition. His legs are broken in several places. He damaged his arm. He’s believed to have a broken neck, as well. While he recovers from his injuries, he can start planning a suitable legal defense for that illegal hunting trip inside the city limits. Buckeye State’s Catch-562 When it comes to the Nanny State, the devil is always in the details. At least 1,000 Ohio motorist found that out, the usual way, when they tried to pay their traffic tickets. They paid the mandated fine and, as far as everyone was concerned, the matter ended there. They erred. They paid. Case closed. Closed? Not quite.
After getting roasted by outraged "I already paid, damn it" motorists, the fine collectors are pulling their heads out of their butts. They deployed signs at the clerk window which explains Catch-562. They also printed off pink slips that must be handed out with the tickets and payment envelopes, instructing the motorist to add $10 to his payment. If you live in Ohio and get nailed by Catch-562, don’t hammer the clerk. Save that anger for your legislature, which passed Catch-562, and Governor Strickland, who signed it. Police Sting This police sting takes place in Odessa, Mexas. Why Odessa? At least one former drug cop thinks the local drug cops are out of control. To prove that, Barry Cooper and his KopBusters team laid out some bait and waited for the local cops to do what comes naturally.
This incident raises several questions about the Odessa Narc Squad. What law was broken? Growing a pair of evergreen trees indoors using grow lamps isn’t a crime. Also, how did they discover the operation? An informant? Very unlikely. Barry Cooper suspects that, despite being outlawed by the Supreme Court, Odessa cops are still using thermal imaging hardware to detect likely indoor weed farms. PIG News agrees with Reason when they say this is a story worth watching. Will the local cops be compelled to explain their antics? Or, will the proper authorities kill the messenger by hitting KopBusters with some trumped up charges? It’s Enquiring Minds time, again, here in the PIGdom. Red White and Blue Tales A PIG-Worthy Raffle The idea was, as usual, simple and simple minded. You get things rolling by advertising a raffle on Craigslist.com. The raffle tickets cost $10, and the prize - an evening with the hooker - would be handed out at a, by invitation only, party at the real estate agent’s house. The scheme, as fun as it sounds, did not receive a warm welcome from the proper authorities. Johnson is in hot water with the folks at OSU. Johnson and Blades are both in legal jeopardy for promoting prostitution. The play for pay entertainer, Vanise, is in serious trouble with her employer, Franklin County Children’s Services where she works as a child sex-abuse caseworker. Who said they don’t know how to have fun in flyover country? Random Act of Kindness in Boston
Thanks to the firemen, Kathy and her family had a happy Thanksgiving after all. The Free State of PIG salutes the men from the Chestnut Avenue fire station for their generosity. A Capitalist of the Year Candidate How memorable were the bonuses? Very. The 230 Spurgen employees divided up $6.6 million dollars in bonus money.
I hate to see us lose capitalists like the Spurgen family. It’s especially annoying since the SKC Group is a Swedish company. No Way To Treat A Messiah Florida Congresswench, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, is painfully aware of the prank those Canadian D.J.’s played on Sarah Palin. Furthermore, she’s equally aware that her local, South Flori-DUH, boom box stations are infamous for their phoney phone calls. That’s why this top Elephant Clan Member of the House Foreign Affairs committee was skeptical when someone called claiming to be Messiah Barry.
If Messiah Barry wants to have someone hang up on him with bad intent, he can get that thrill by dialing up any member of the PIG staff. In fact, we’d consider it a ‘blessing’ if he gave us that chance. Come on, Barry...make our day. Stepping In It, In Pennsylvania The promotional idea was a good one. The suits at Hollywood Casino at Penn National Racecourse, wanted to reward 1,000 of their best customers. How? They would give them free slot machine playing credits. It sounds like a good way to bring customers to the den of gambling iniquity, in this penny-pinching time. The details of the promotion are as follows: $100 in slot credits per week, from December 1, through January 4. Two free visits to the buffet at the casino. It sounds like a nifty deal to me. What could possibly go wrong? What indeed?
This epic just became the pacesetter in PIG’s Golden D’oh of the Year sweepstakes.
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Copyright 1993-2008 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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