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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| ONLY IN AMERIKA
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| JANUARY 2012 |
Appearances Are Deceiving Our hero is a 65-year-old man who exercised his Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, during a bike ride along the Thun Trail in West Reading (Pennsylvania). He was minding his own business, when a trio of teenage muggers accosted him. First, they knocked the man off his bike, they pinned him against a fence. Mistaking the man for easy pickings, two of the punks started beating on our hero, but he had other ideas about that crap. Instead of taking it, the man pulled out his street legal firearm, then shot the two punks who had assaulted him. When the gun smoke cleared, one punk was room temperature, while another punk had a gunshot wound in his neck. The third teen was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a graybar. Predictably, the Berks County D - John Adams - made the requisite 'don't try this at home' noises, before he got 'real' with the rest of the story. DA Adams admitted that our Second Amendment hero had no choice, when he used his gun in self defense. He then added another, telling, fact: on that same day, before the punks assaulted our Second Amendment hero, they'd mugged two other men. Last but not least, the DOA desperado, Julias Johnson was on probation and wearing a tracking device that had been attached, that very morning. Good riddance? You better believe it, Sparky. Young Heroine For a seven year old Sarasota (Flori-DUH) wenchlet, Rita Lawlor, her gut check began, when she couldn't wake up her mother. She tried repeatedly, but nothing worked. When I say 'she tried everything' it's not hyperbole. We know this because Rita's wake up calls culminated when she slapped mom with a slice of pizza. When she ran out of ideas, Rita dialed 911 and summoned help from the professionals. Luckily for all concerned, they succeeded where Rita failed. We're pleased to report that Rita's mom is doing just fine. Support Your Local Capitalist Like so many PIG-worthy events, it started with a notion hatched by one man. Our hero's name is Jim Black, who is a denizen of Chagrin Falls (a village in Cleveland's suburbs). It began small, when, in an e-mail to his friends, Jim Black suggested:
The e-mail went viral, spreading far beyond the small enclave in Cleveland's eastern suburbs. Big fun, but did it work? You better believe it, Sparky: * On the designated day, they came in droves, until the store was teeming with customers. * The phone never stopped ringing, thanks to out of state callers who made purchases over the phone. * By 1:30 p.m., the credit card machine was so overloaded that it had to be reset. * The line at the checkout stretched in two directions. The hardware wrangling capitalists aren't furnishing a sales total for the day, but their face-splitting grins tell us all we need to know. Jim Black's idea is a good one. Why not organize a similar even in your town? Just pick out a deserving business and spread the word. It's an utterly American thing to do. Excuses, Excuses Our hero is a 40-year-old denizen of Melbourne (Flori-DUH) named Russell Gentile. A very imaginative dude, Russell made a memorable bid for PIG's Excuse of the Year finals, during an on-going dispute with the IRS. According to a news story in Florida Today, Russell's IRS trouble reached critical mass in 2008, when the Tax Nazis that accused Russell of, erroneously, claiming that he didn't have any reportable income for 2001 and 2002. Annoyed, to say the least, Russell fired off a snarky letter to IRS, threatening to sue if they kept bugging him. Among other things, Russell demanded that they stop calling him. He also ordered them to remove his name and Social Security number from their database. Did Russell have taxable income during the disputed years? Probably, but he insists that it's none of Uncle Sam's business because, he isn't subject to American tax laws. Why? Russell is, he insists, an American national who "resided in the Kingdom of Heaven." Game, set, match? Nope. Unimpressed, Uncle Sam hauled Russell into a federal court. He made bail, but that might not save his butt from a 6 year guest gig in a Federal Graybar Hotel and a $200,000 fine. I Double Dog Dare You From our 'go ahead, make my day' news desk, PIG News presents this cautionary tale. When all was said and done, it was an Akron (Ohio) barber who survived a close shave. It started at 7 p.m. on a Friday, when a desperado entered the Grant Street Barber Shop, looking for a cash infusion. Brandishing his gun, the desperado demanded 'all the money'. Did he get it? Nope. He got a taste of Dirty Harry class defiance. Instead of handing over the money, the barber made a demand of his own. He, in essence, double dog dared the robber to shoot him. Did he get his wish? Yes, and no. Yes. The robber pulled the trigger. No. The gun didn't work. Convinced, no doubt, that the barber is INSANE, the teenage desperado beat a hasty retreat, empty handed. Holy Heartburn, Batman! In the bad old days, when you sent someone out to replenish your Cheerios supply, it was a no brainer, because Cheerios only came one way, the original variety that we'll call Cheerios classic. In 2012, if you dispatched someone on the same errand, it's no longer a 'no brainer'. Why? Why indeed. In addition to Cheerios classic, you'll find these variations on your grocery store shelf: Multi Grain Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Chocolate Cheerios, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Fruity Cheerios, Yogurt Burst Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, Banana Nut Cheerios, and Oat Cluster Cheerios Crunch. Wow! If you think that General Mills has perpetrated all the meaningful variations, when it comes to Cheerios, get over it. There's a new kid on the Cheerios block: MultiGrain Peanut Butter Cheerios. Happily ever after? The jury is still out, on that one:
Should General Mills wrap each box of this new Cheerios in its own hazmat suit? Bold new concept. It would be a waste of time, because, even if they did, it wouldn't be enough to satisfy these 'activists'. Parting shot: I'm compelled to admit that Peanut Butter Cheerios sound DISGUSTING. Brass Nads Undeterred by his 'life plus 20 years' guest stint in a Mexas graybar hotel, self-proclaimed 'prophet', and convicted pervert, Warren Jeffs, is still full of himself, and IT. He has not, it seems, lost his sense of humor, as demonstrated by hisa 'prophecy' that the walls of his prison will "fall and crumble". Just getting started, he - despite impressive countermeasures deployed by prison officials - just thrill his flock with a new decree: he has 'banned sex until he gets out of prison:
In other words, 'if I can't have any poontang, neither can you'. Twisted? You bet, but the real retards are the members of his 'flock' who let him get away with this bullshit. Second Amendment Hero The right to keep and bear arms is under unrelenting assault from the 'disarm everyone' crowd, who think the world would be a much better place if only the criminal was armed while the law abiding citizens are defenseless. If they had their, way a 14 year old North Carolina lad, and his 17 year old sister, would be, quite likely, dead. Their Second Amendment adventure started, when four men started pounding on the door, while the siblings were home alone. Big sister called 911, reported the incident, then went to hide in her closet. Manning up, her 14 year old brother armed himself, then waited. Was he up to the challenge? You better believe it. Eventually, the men smashed their way though the back door, then entered the house. Biding his time, our young hero waited until one of the housebreakers, 19 year old Michael Henderson, Jr., rounded the corner and came into view. Without hesitation, our 2nd Amendment hero shot the invader. Mortally wounded, the home invading bastard staggered out of the house, then collapsed. Still waiting for the other invaders, our young hero talked to the 911 dispatcher:
We the PIGs are pleased to report that the proper authorities will NOT add insult to injury by pressing charges against our 2nd Amendment hero. Sneaky Islamikaze Bastards Allegedly, the Islamikazes in Al Qaeda, are some relentlessly sneaky bastards, who are so vile that they're trying to hit a dude where he lives, while his defenses, and his pants, are down. How? How indeed. Exhibit 'A', is a Mason (Michigan) dude whom we'll call 'Wanker'. On January 1, 2012, Wanker called the cops to share the horrifying news. Al Qaeda had 'poisoned' his porn DVD with subliminal messages. He played the relevant portion of the DVD in slow motion, letting a police officer see some words flash across the screen. Damn you Bin Laden! If you're a porn viewing PIGster and you start making your wife wear burka fashioned from a giant size garbage bag, congratulations Jihadikaze PIGster, you're now in league with Al Qaeda. I'll trust you to do the honorable thing and turn yourself in to Jihad Janet Napolitano. |
DECEMBER 2011 |
It Seemed Like A Good Idea If you ever wondered what a group of meatheads do to amuse on Christmas Eve, wonder no more. Our hero's name is Zachary Inman. This Illinois denizen is 18, chronologically, but he's much younger than that, when it comes to common sense. While hanging out with his hormone gorilla friends, in Moline (Illinois) domicile, Zachary joined the fun, when they started playing with a loaded 12-gauge shotgun. In this context 'playing' translates as brandishing the loaded shotgun, while one of his pals took his picture. The Quad City Times was miserly, when it came to those Devilish details, so we're left with unanswered questions: * How exactly, did this moron manage to shoot himself in the lower part of his right leg and his right foot? * Did anyone capture an image, or video of that magic moment? * It this fool as stupid as he sounds? It's Enquiring minds time in the PIG Bunker. Parting shot: Zachary's wounds will heal, but there's probably no cure for his stampeding stupidity. Crime-Stopping Marine Wearing his dress blues, the 22-year-old U.S. Marine, wasn't dressed for 'battle', but that didn't prevent him from bagging a Bay State desperado. His mission, as a member of he Devens-based 1st Battalion, 5th Marines, was a charitable one: picking up Toy's for Tots donations and loading them into his vehicle. A short distance away, a screwdriver brandishing, Bay State desperado was breaking into a car loaded with Christmas presents. The desperado was sitting in the driver's seat of the GMC Yukon, rummaging through its contents when the vehicle's rightful owners showed up and sent him packing. The thief took off like a scalded mutt, and he seemed to be getting it done, until his escape route took him right past our U.S. Marine. Our warrior quickly subdued the desperado, then detained him, until the cops arrived to bag, tag and drag him to a waiting graybar suite. After performing his crimestopping feat, the Marine politely declined interview requests, and asked that the police keep his identity a secret. Apparently, being a United States Marine means you don't seek recognition for doing what needed to be done. We the PIGs are on our feet as we salute this warrior for his crimestopping accomplishments and his commendable demeanor. Nicely done Marine. Semper Fi. Taking a Bite Out of Crime in Seattle Since our hero - we'll call him Kibble - isn't in a talkative mood, the proper authorities don't know why he decided to scale the 10 foot high fence a Seattle homeowner deployed to enclose his yard. It's safe to assume that, when Kibble scaled that fence at 9 p.m., he was up to no good. It's also safe to assume that his 'to do' list didn't include 'become a chew toy for the four pit bulls, who were using the dog run on the far side of the fence. You won't need a Nostradamus quatrain to determine what happened next. Unwilling to tolerate Kibble's invasion of their turf, the mutts taught the invader the errors of his ways, until the dogs' owner called them off and put them in their kennel. While a neighbor summoned the cops, at the behest of the dogs' owner, the dog owner placed Kibble on a hand truck, then moved him to the street. After being bagged and tagged, Kibble was transported to a hospital to have his injuries - a number of puncture wounds and extensive injuries to his head, arm, neck and an ear - treated. Serving Two Masters, Or Just The One? Tom Riner is a Toll Taker - an ordained Baptist minister - who is doing everything in his power to give his master - Old Ka-Boom, the Cross Cult deity - dominion over everyone who inhabits the Commonwealth of Kin-Tucky. There's nothing new, or PIG-worthy about that. So why did I bring it up? Tom Riner wears a second 'hat', one which compels him to serve another master: the citizens of the Commonwealth of Kin-Tucky. Why? Because, Rev Tom is also known as State Representative Tom Riner, member of the Commonwealth of Kin-Tucky's legislature. One dude? Yup. Two masters? Uh, not really. Fox News served up these Commonwealth Theocracy of Kin-Tucky particulars:
Is this really the foreshadowing a Cross Cult Theocracy? Perhaps. Is Rev. Tom really giving the establishment clause the one finger salute? It seems that way to Edwin Kagin, who sees alarming similarity between Kin-Tucky's law and the Sharia-venerating rules of engagement which are taking hold in the post Arab Spring nations in North Africa.
What about the 'establishment clause'? Edwin Kagin: "We were founded so no one religion can be established in this country including religion over non-religion." Rev. Tom Riner "Trusting God is our heritage. We will not surrender that heritage, which is a heritage of looking to Almighty God for His blessing." It's not a smoking gun, but it's uncomfortably close.
Charles Haley Gets Nostalgic? From our 'old habits are hard to shake' news desk, we bring you this touching tale. She says: a woman insists that former NFL star, Charles Haley swatted her on the ass during the Thanksgiving Day football game between the Dallas Cowboys (Haley played for them, back in the day) and the Miami Dolphins. He says: Bullshit! It never happened. PIG sez: If it did happen, it's perfectly understandable. The roar of the crowd, the familiar surroundings, the excitement of the game made Haley evoke his playing days, during which ass patting was SOP between players. PIGish assessment: No harm, no foul. Asshole of the Week Thomas Walker is a lecturer at Iowa State University and he's a sorry sack of shit. He spewed his venom in the campus fishwrap, the Iowa State Daily, aiming his rabble rousing rhetoric at the College Republicans who are collecting gift boxes for our men and women in uniform. A Fox New posting included these thundering Tommy turds:
Is this asshole going to lose his job, or suffer any adverse consequences from his inflammatory prose? Nope. The only likely consequence would be a missive from The One, offering this America-despising Egghead a lofty position in the Obama Regime. Why? Because he and Barry are in lock step when it comes to the Elephant Clan, the U.S. military, capitalism, and America, all of which Tommy and Barry despise. |
| NOVEMBER 2011 |
Ready, Aim, OUCH! Our hero is a rain-soaked, Oregon sharpshooter, 36-year-old Ethan Bennett. His marksmanship is, in our humble opinion, uh, memorable. For those who obsess on such things, the essential elements in this action-packed yarn are: Ethan, Ethan's .22 caliber rifle, and a squirrel. Step 1: Packing his loaded .22, Ethan is enjoying the great outdoors. Step 2: An adventurous squirrel runs up Ethan's leg. Step 3: Shocked (possibly alarmed) Ethan tries to shoot the squirrel. Step 4: Ethan misses the squirrel, who escapes unscathed. Step 5: Ethan does NOT miss his foot. Step 6: Ethan earns a trip to a local hospital, plus a lifetime of snarky 'shooting yourself in foot' pleasantries from everyone he knows. Nice shot, Deadeye. Room Service You'll be thrilled to learn that room service at the maximum security Federal Detention Center in downtown Miami is PIGish fun, in the extreme. In fact, for the rich drug lords in this graybar's guest suites, every day is a non-stop party: stripteases, booze and booty calls. Yes, it's a jail, but its rules of engagement are, to say the least, thrilling for the graybar's guest:
Life's a party? You better believe it, jailbird Sparky. A Brass Nads Of The Year Contender Our Brass Nads contender is a desperado named Jesse Dimmick. In September 2009, Denver resident Jesse was on the run from the proper authorities who really, really, really wanted to have a chat with him about the beating death of a Colorado man. On the run, Jesse invaded a home in Topeka (Kansas) which belonged to Jared and Lindsay Rowley. As thrilling as this sounds, it gets better. Jesse claims that he struck a bargain (an oral contract) with the Rowleys in which he offered them money in exchange for a refuge from the cops who were chasing him. The Rowleys point out that Jesse had a knife for sure, and a gun, probably, so they played long with this home invading bastard until their uninvited guest fell asleep. Wasting no time, they fled their home and notified the cops. Jesse was bagged, tagged, dragged and sentenced to 11 years in a Kansas Graybar Hotel for four felonies, including two counts of kidnaping. Subsequently, Jesse was returned to a Colorado jail, where he's slated to face 8 additional charges, one of which is murder. Game, set, match? Not exactly. In September, the Rowley's filed a lawsuit against Jesse, seeking $75,000 for invading their home and inflicting emotional distress. Suitably motivated, Jesse filed his own lawsuit, charging the Rowleys with - I'm not making this up - breaching the oral contract he imposed on them while holding the couple hostage.
How the hell does anyone on Jesse's cellblock get any rest, with this punk's big brass nads clanging all night? Merry Grinchmas If you're dreaming of a 'white' Christmas in Doylestown Station (Pennsylvania), the members of homeowners' association board have your back. In their vast, 'ho, ho, ho' inducing wisdom, they have banished any/all non-white Christmas lights. In order to comply, the white blightmare bulbs are banned from blinking. In lieu of shedding their Grinchmas edict, the HOA board sent out a survey, but only 38 of the 200 home owners responded: white blightmare got 19 votes; blinking colored lights got 14 votes; colored, unblinking lights got 5 votes. PIG thinks the HOA board members aren't the only Grinches in Doylestown Station. The 162 non-voting residents made the cut; the 19 white blightmare voters made the cut and so do the HOA bard members who think dictating holiday decor is any of their f-ing business. Maybe they should name this place Grinchville. Talking 'Turkey' At PETA Has PETA developed a sense of humor? Has PETA decided to indulge in self-parody to brighten up our Thanksgiving festivities? Or, has someone pulled a fast one and perpetrated a hoax of epic proportions? Questions, questions, questions. Personally, I think this is a hoax, because even PETA can't be this asinine. If this story is true, PETA is in rare form this year, because it's alleged that they wrote a letter to the Mayor of Turkey, Texas, asking him, her, himher, or it to change the town's name to 'Tofurky', for Thanksgiving: Dear Mayor Carson, I am writing on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and our more than 3 million members and supporters, including thousands in Texas, with an idea that will boost Turkey into the spotlight and promote compassion: Rename your town "Tofurky" for Thanksgiving. If you agree to adopt this moniker for just one day, we'd be happy to provide a delicious, healthy vegan holiday feast for all the town's residents. Tofurky is a savory, flavorful, "meaty" vegan entrée with wild-rice and bread-crumb stuffing that is 100 percent cruelty-free. In contrast, virtually all turkey meat sold in the U.S. comes from factory farms, where birds are confined by the thousands to filthy, barren sheds. They are drugged and bred to grow such unnaturally large upper bodies that their legs often become crippled under the weight. These bright and social animals are denied everything that is natural and important to them, and at the slaughterhouse, turkeys are still conscious when their throats are slit. Changing the town's name to Tofurky will remind people around the country that we each can have a delicious, protein-packed, and satisfying Thanksgiving meal without supporting animal abuse. PETA's feast would feature Tofurky with mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes (made with vegan margarine), and vegan apple pie topped with vanilla dairy-free ice cream. Introducing vegan cuisine to your residents would help improve their health: A vegan diet is free of the saturated animal fats and cholesterol found in meat and dairy products, and according to the American Dietetic Association, a vegan diet reduces the risk of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and obesity. Thanksgiving is the perfect time to rename your town and give turkeys, as well as your town's citizens, something to gobble about! Please let me know of your decision. Sincerely yours, Tracy Reiman Truth? Fiction? I say 'fiction', concerning the letter. If it proves to be 'true', I'm compelled to ask: "What the hell are they smoking?" With 'Friends' Like These Our hero - we'll call him 'Tex' - blundered into the PIG bull's-eye, in the wee hours of a Monday morning, while he was riding his motorcycle on the outskirts of San Antonio (Mexas). Somehow, all the other motorcycle riders his group - not to mention the individuals accompanying them in the pickup truck - managed to miss the road hazzard, but not our hero. This particular road hazzard - a deer - really did 'move in front of' our hero. Unable to swerve in time, our hero slammed into it, after which he lost control of his ride and hit the pavement hard. Bummer, but he was lucky to have the other riders on hand to assist him. Yeah...about THAT... Three of the other riders - two women and a man - did stop, to assess the situation. Moments later, after loading our hero's motorcycle into the pickup truck, they resumed their journey, leaving our hero sprawled on the side of the road. I short order, the cops tracked them down, then bagged, tagged, and dragged, the trio to a local graybar hotel for 'tampering with evidence'. While they rested in their graybar suits, our hero recuperated in University Hospital. Say It Isn't So, Alvin I have some very bad news, which is going to take all the joy from your life. I'm so choked up about it, I can't make my self say it, so I'll defer to the Daily Caller:
I know what you're thinking, but it's too late for Alvin to change his mind about entering the Oval Office Derby:
Without Alvin in the race to provide comic relief, the only joke left in the 2012 election is that blow-dried brick, Mitt "my turn, my turn" Romney. Is he better than Barry? Yes, barely. Is he better than nothing? That one is too close to call. Army Redefines Reality? The official Tome of shrinkdom is being updated and many of the usual - and a few unusual - suspects are eager to tweak certain annoying aspects of objective reality.
One of the aforementioned 'unusual' suspects is the U.S. Army's second-highest ranking officer - Army vice chief of staff, General Peter Chiarelli. If he gets his way, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will evolve into Post Traumatic Stress Injury (PTSI). Why make the change? Why indeed.
Admittedly, the name change seems asinine. Asinine or not, PTSD is serious shit, when the afflicted individual is one of our warriors on the front lines. It degrades his ability to function, endangering everyone in his unit. For that reason, I - albeit reluctantly - give my conditional support to this name change. I'll play along if, and only if, it makes a warrior who is so afflicted get the professional help they need, before it endangers their unit. De-Grinching Wisconsin After 25 years of state-sanctioned Grinchdom, Wisconsin has come to its senses, thanks to Governor Walker. Flushing Grinch-induced Korrectness, Governor Walker jettisoned 'holiday tree' and restored 'Christmas tree' to its rightful place. Instead of perpetrating the usual chest beating, with a self-venerating pronouncement, Governor Walker simply used the term "Christmas tree" in a standard issue press release:
As expect 'they', the usual suspects, had a lot to say about "Christmas tree":
If you're smelling a lawsuit, join the club. Excuses, Excuses Around 5 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon, Tony Pierce was working in his yard, when gunfire erupted in the Centerville (Utah) trailer park. When the gun smoke cleared, Tony was on the ground and bleeding from several bullet wounds, one of which entered his back, then hit several of his vital organs, putting him in the hospital in critical condition. It didn't take long for the police to find the guilty party, Tony's neighbor, Michael Selleneit. When he was questioned, Michael didn't deny using Tony for target practice. Instead, he insisted that he tried to kill Tony, but he did so out of self defense. Self defense? You bet, but his justification is straight out of the Twilight Zone:
Bagged, tagged, and dragged? Yup. Parting shot: If you think Michael simply 'snapped', get over it. He has been accusing Tony of 'telepathic' crimes for years, and the cops investigated, without success. I'm guessing Michael couldn't find tinfoil headgear in his wife's size. Jesse Ventura Hissy Fit The fun started, in November 2010, when Jesse Ventura got mauled by the TSA's Grope-A-Dopes. The former Minnesota Governor got boiling mad, mad enough to body slam some TSA assholes, the way he had during his pro wrestling days, but this time he tried to administer the blow in a courtroom. Citing the Fourth Amendment's protection against unreasonable searches and seizures, Jesse sued the Feds in January, insisting that airport scans and groping violated the aforementioned Constitutional amendment. This week, a district judge in St. Paul dismissed Jesse's lawsuit, ruling that Jesse should have filed it in a Circuit Court of Appeals. Did Jesse take this setback in stride? Not exactly.
In addition to forgoing air travel, since his TSA mauling, Jesse has also become so disenchanted with the USA that he no longer stands for the national anthem. Instead, he's vowing to turn his back then raising his fist. We the PIGs tend to agree with Jesse about the TSA. We also tend to agree about "the Fascist States of America". PIGish Mexas Poster Wads Panties As the name proclaims, Nonmacher's Bar-B-Q (Katy, Mexas) is a food-wrangling outpost of capitalism. Curiously, the eatery's most memorable claim to fame/infamy is that knicker knotting poster which hangs on the wall. The poster shows a group of armed men surrounding a man hanging from a tree. As arresting as that is, it's the caption which thrills the snot out of the chronically offended: "Let's play cowboys and Iranians." How offended? VERY, thanks to a customer who started a Facebook group named: "Nonmacher's BBQ racism towards Iranians. Thanks to that Facebook hissy fit, the eatery's owner, John Nonmacher, is being vilified by humor challenged asshats from sea to shining sea:
As fun as this sounds, there's one more thing you need to know about this egregiously vilified poster: it's been hanging in the eatery for more than 3 DECADES.
I'm pleased to report that John Nonmacher isn't backing down: "It's my choice to have it up. It's your choice to go where you want to go. But I'm not going to take it down." |
OCTOBER 2011 |
You're Outta Here, Islamikaze Sparky When some workers at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport took breaks longer than the allotted 10 minutes, Hertz officials gave the 34 workers a choice. They could clock out when taking a break, or they will be pink-slipped. Game, set, match? It's too soon to tell. After Hertz suspended the workers- they drive rental cars to and from the airport so they can be refueled and cleaned - , 9 of them agreed to the clock out for breaks requirement. The other 25 - all of them are Islamikazes who use the breaks for their 5 times a day prayers - refused to comply. As a result 25 Islamikazes were fired. Is that the end of the matter? I doubt it. If CAIR isn't already involved, they soon will be, so stay tuned. The Devil Probably Made Him Do It A first glance, Mark Cornish sounds like a commendable individual. As a member of the Columbia (South Carolina) Police Department, his duty assignment is 'resource officer' at a local middle school. Mark is married, is working toward his Masters Degree in divinity at Liberty University and is a Chaplin candidate for the U.S. Army. So far, so good, until now. Mark's life, and his career, hit a memorable speed bump this week, when Richland County Sheriff's Deputies responded to a report that a uniformed police officer had just entered a motel room with a know hooker, a 17-year-old hooker. When the deputies arrived to interrupt the festivities, Mark fled in his patrol car, but he didn't get very far. I know what you're thinking and I might agree that we should cut him some slack, except...This wasn't the first time he's sampled this teenage hooker's wares. The Devil made him do it? Perhaps, but it probably won't save his plan to become and Army Chaplain. Mom Speaks Up A Nevada denizen, Justin Harris, was up to the challenge, when someone disrupted his wedding. Everything was going swimmingly, until the Toll Taker at the Carson Valley United Methodist Church asked the magic question: "If there is any reason this man and this woman should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace". Did someone answer the call? You bet. Justin's mother responded so vociferously that she was forcibly removed from the Toll Booth...by her son. 'Forcibly removed' in this instance involves Justin picking up mom and carrying her out of the church. Game, set, match? Not exactly. The wedding ceremony never reached the "I now pronounce you" point. Instead of "you may now kiss the bride", Justin's wedding ended with other, equally well-known words: "You have the right to remain silent..." That's right, PIGsters, this HEROIC dude got bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local Graybar Hotel for 'disorderly conduct and coercion'. That's no way to treat a hero. Fresh From The Rumor Mill This week, PIG's news sleuths stumbled over two PIG-worthy rumors. One is the product of crappy journalism. The other is, we suspect, someone's idea of a joke. Rumor One: The Contra Costa fishwrap spouted this drivel:
It was the kind of story that spread quickly. There's just one pesky problem with it, as illustrated by this S. F. Chronicle news report:
Our PIGish assessment is: nothing to see here, move along. Rumor Two: This rumor involves the 1988 Oval Office Derby, which pitted George H. W. Bush (Bush 41) against Michael Dukakis. Trailing in the opinion polls, the Bush campaign brainiacs hatched a spiffy idea: get the mayor of Carmel (Mexifornia) - a gentleman named Clint Eastwood - to be Bush's running mate. Allegedly, ABC has audio tapes which verify this:
Our PIGish assessment: The only place I've seen this is a blog that doesn't pass our smell test. We're smelling a whopper which might be deemed funny, in some circles. An Underappreciated Smoking Benefit Our heroine is a 51 year old woman, who lives in Pennsville (New Jersey). She blundered into the PIG news spotlight, around 7:30 p.m., on a Saturday evening, after conducting a transaction at a Walgreen's pharmacy. On the way back home, she was accosted by an robbery-minded asshat. What to do? If you're our heroine, you put your lit cigarette to good use. When the mugger tried to grab our heroine's wallet, she burned her would-be robber with it, eliciting a howl of pain, before he got the hell out of Dodge. Nicely done, darlin'. Nicely done. Mexas Woman Sues Over Police Abuse The incident took place a year ago - October 04, 2010 - while Bridgett Boyd was driving to work. Her day headed into the crapper, when her car crapped out. Unwilling to block the freeway, Bridgett pulled over to the side of the freeway. Bridgett's day got crappier, when a sheriff's deputy, Mark Goad, arrived and hit her with his best shots. He started, by ticketing her for "driving" on the shoulder, then followed up by bagging, tagging, and dragging her to a local graybar. Bridgett stressed out, making her heart start racing, prompting Deputy Dawg to summon the paramedics. They carted her off to a medical facility, where they restored her heart beat to normal. Bridgett's ride to her Graybar Hotel suite was not a thrill a minute, because our Melanin-Enriched heroine was 'forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh "make derogatory comments about black people" all the way to the jail' (Houston Chronicle). Unwilling to tolerate such 'brutality', Bridgett went lawyer shopping. This week, she filed a federal lawsuit against Deputy Dawg, and Harris County (Mexas) for 'defamation, false imprisonment, malicious prosecution, assault and battery, and intentional infliction of emotional distress'. Aside from the El Rushbo crap, Bridgett seems to have a valid beef:
Bridgett, the FSOP feels your pain, up to a point. We have the occasional 'issue' with El Rushbo, too, but it's nowhere near 'emotional distress'. Is It Something I Said Our hero is a Flori-DOLT named Gerard Esposito, whose primary claim to fame is his status as president of the Windtree Oaks homeowner's association. After spending quality time reading the fine print on the relevant deed restrictions, Gerard found what just what he needed. Armed with a suitable justification, Gerard spread his special brand of 'guess what, homeowner Sparky' joy in a letter to every homeowner in Windtree Oaks. Gerard warned that too many mailboxes didn't meet the specifications set forth in the deed restrictions. Deed restrictions? You bet. According to Gerard, the deed restrictions specified a brick mailbox. Gerard warned of "appropriate action" if the guilty parties didn't deploy a 'compliant' brick mailbox. Did Gerard's snarky missive elicit a response from the denizens of Windtree Oaks? You better believe it. Someone registered his, her, hisher, or its displeasure with Gerard, by blowing up Gerard's mailbox. Gobsmacked, Gerard can't understand why someone would blow up his mailbox. Seriously? You can't figure it out? No wonder you're president of the HOA. Rev. Al Linked To Identity Theft Scam? At best, Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network was duped by some devilishly clever identity thieves. At worst, the minions at National Action Network's Atlanta headquarters were participating in the scheme. NBC's Atlanta affiliate served up these 'gotcha goodies':
I predict that Rev. Al, his organization, and his minions, will escape this, unscathed. Even a cretin like Sharpton isn't going to be this clumsy. Besides, I predict that, somehow, the TEA Party and/or THE RICH are behind it. Bush 43 probably put them up to it. An Inexplicable Crime Spree Two fun facts made this story relentlessly PIG-worthy: Fun fact 1: The perpetrators are a group of - I'm not making this up - AMISH men. Fun fact 2: Their crime spree involves breaking into homes (not breaking news), then whacking the hair and beards off their unwilling 'hosts'.
If you have reasonable explanation for this one, I'd love to hear it, because I've got nothing. |
SEPTEMBER 2011 |
Rugged American Individual of the Week In addition to being a capitalist who sells cars for a living at his Max Motors dealership in Butler, Missouri, Mark Muller is that American classic, the rugged individual. He proved that, last year, when his Third Annual Great Guns and Gas Give-Away attracted the undivided attention of asshats near and far. For some reason, a sales promotion that offered buyers an AK-47 stirred up a hornets' nest. Go figure: His thrill ride reached terminal velocity, after a July 17, 2009 interview on CNN. * Days after the broadcast, 3 Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives agents showed up at his dealership demanding to see the guns. When he explained that all he was giving away were VOUCHERS toward the purchase of an AK-47, the agents didn't believe him, and kept searching. * After the ATF 'raid', the agents asked him to bring all of his personal guns to a meeting. Our hero didn't roll over, but insisted on due process, before he'd agree to that. They made noises about raiding his house, but never followed through. * Mark Muller was such a big deal, he was the number one item in the White House briefing. * The First National Bank of Kansas cited the AK-47 promotion, when it severed all ties with Muller and his dealership. * His insurance company cancelled all of his insurance, due to the promotion, even though the Muller business they insured was another of Mark's companies, not Max Motors. * Some minions from the state of Missouri's Department of Revenue, showed up at Max Motors, yanked his chain over petty crap, then threatened to shut him down. Since, in addition to Ford, Dodge and Jeep, he sold several GM brands - Chevy, Buick, GMC, and Cadillac - he was especially vulnerable to the ensuing blackmail from Government Motors.
GM took away his Cadillac franchise, but is - allegedly - going to give it back. Does that mean Mark Muller has knuckled under? Not even close. That's right, PIGsters, he's going to begin his Fourth Annual Great Guns and Gas Give-Away in October. As fun as this sounds, it gets better, because Mark is eager to yank GM's chain: "I got a great picture of an AK-47 in the newspaper. I am doing it at the Ford dealership, but I am advertising in the paper where I have my Chevy dealership, so when GM complains, I'll ask 'em: So, now you're telling me what I can do at the Ford store? I tell them: I understand that Government Motors is an all-encompassing thing, but don't you think that is a little strong?" Give the bastards hell, Mark. You're our kind of dude. PIGish News Briefs Well, Duh * Resume the nonstop service between the Big Apple's LaGuardia Airport and Chattanooga. * Rename the airport. Instead of Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport, simply call it - WELL, DUH - 'Chattanooga Airport. Chattanooga Airport? Wow, that's why Big Communications gets the BIG bucks. Hacking Harvard Getting hacked? It happens all the time. Getting hacked by asshats on behalf of a foreign government? Been there, done that, thanks to the Chinese commies. Getting hacked by asshats from the Middle East who call themselves the "Syrian Electronic Army"? Now were in uncharted waters, WTF Sparky.
Why, I wonder, do these A-rabs think Harvard University is dictating foreign policy to America's Narcissist-in-Chief. Mistaken Identity In Flori-DUH A mere 2 months old, the 'Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches' is the new kid on the block, in Ocala (Flori-DUH), so they decided to make people notice them. How? The managers of this fledgling enterprise decided to attract attention, by deploying an employee out front. He, she, heshe, or it would be dressed up like an ice cream cone and holding a large sign touting the ice cream parlor's wares. No harm, no foul? In theory, but there were a few unforseen thrill factors. The costume - a waffle cone tunic that's topped by a white, cone-shaped headpiece - didn't fit properly. It sagged at the shoulders, making the waffle cone part invisible, thanks to the oversized sign the employee was holding. The result - an individual wearing a white hood and holding a sign, conveyed the WRONG message. Instead of saying "ice cream", to many of the locals, it conveyed a much more menacing message: "I'm with the KKK". The Ocala Star-Banner served up the essenials:
According to this Flori-DUH fishwrap, Liza Diaz, who is from Puerto Rico, didn't have a clue about the KKK, until a news nitwit explained it to her. Suitably enlightened, the ice cream emporium decided dropped the ice cream cone man like a bad habit. Cheap Bastard Surcharge... Apparently, Snooki and her friends aren't the only ones on the East Coast who had a Rodney Dangerfield moment. Talk about getting no respect, if you're 'South Asian' try grabbing a meal at a Forest Hills (Queens, NY) eatery named Baluchi's.
Are South Asians a bunch of cheapskates, penny-pinchers and skinflints? If they are, it's news to me. Parting shot: Is the South Asian surcharge discriminatory? Yup. Is it good for business? Probably not. Is it any of the Nanny State's business? Not 'no', but 'hell no'. If Baluchi's has its head up its ass on this, it's up to the marketplace, not the Nanny State, to teach the food wranglers the errors of their ways. Self Inflicted Wound of the Year Contender Our hero is a 21 year old paraplegic from Flori-DUH, who blundered into the PIGdom's bull's-eye, while he was on a hunting trip. An overachiever, in some ways, John Champion managed, among other things, to put a whole new spin on the phrase 'shooting yourself in the foot'. The key elements in this epic are: our hero, a crossbow, plus his ATV. If you see where we're headed, don't ruin it for the merely mortal. While seated in his ATV, John cocked his crossbow, but it didn't go exactly as planned. At some point in the process, John fired his crossbow bolt which went through his left foot, pinning it to the floor of the ATV. Bad as that sounds, it gets worse. Unable to address the problem in the outback at Fiber Factory Hunt Club, John decided to drive to 'civilization' where help was readily available. It was an excellent idea, but driving an ATV with one foot impaled by a crossbow bolt, isn't that easy. John learned that, the usual way, when he got the ATV stuck on some brush. In due course, his family and other hunters rescued him and carted him off to a local hospital for treatment for the injuries he inflicted on his foot: a puncture wound, plus several broken bones in his foot. We the PIGs hope John will enjoy a speedy recovery, after he learns that he's in the hunt for our coveted 'self-inficted wound of the year. Epic Fail Craving a brewskie infusion, and unwilling to wait two more years for their 21st birthday, 3 Mexifornia hormone gorillas (all age 19, DUH), decided to help themselves to a 30-pack of Tecate. At 3 p.m., they painted a bull's-eye on the Baja Ranch Market in Covina (Mexifornia). Andy Huynh (henceforth 'Wheels') waited in the getaway ride, while his cohorts, Nicholas Fiumetto (henceforth 'Drippy') and Nicholas Kalscheuer (henceforth 'Turtle'), entered the market primed for action. Drippy grabbed the 30-pack of beer and sprinted for the door, with two of the store's employees hot on his heels. At the same time, Turtle lived up to his name, when he was apprehended before he got out of the store. Willing to jettison Turtle, Wheels and Drippy were so eager to flee the scene of their crime, Wheels almost ran over a store employee, who jumped on the hood of the car at the last possible minute. They swerved through the parking lot, trying to dislodge their unwanted 'passenger', finally getting the job done, by hitting a curb. Abandoning their car, Wheels and Drippy tried to escape on foot. Wheels eluded capture, for a while, but his fate was already sealed, by the wallet (complete with his ID) that he left in the getaway car. Drippy's journey to a Covina graybar suite took an unlikely detour, through the business portion of the Citrus Car Wash, next door to the market.
Bagged, tagged, and dragged? You better believe it, drip dry Sparky. Crime & Punishment With A Twist Alisha Smith is 36-year-old legal eagle in the New York State Attorney General's Office, a job where she inflicts punishment an individuals who are, in a very real sense, 'begging for it'. Her primary focus is punishing individuals who perpetrate securities fraud in the Empire State. Recently, thanks to the dirt diggers at the New York Post, Alisha's legal career hit a speed bump, after the fishwrap spilled the beans about Alisha's OTHER job. Like her day job, her extracurricular activity involves punishing individuals who are, quite literally 'begging for it'. There is a financial element involved, but in this case, it's the money our heroine earns as an S & M dominatrix. Believe it or not, the suits in the New York State Attorney General's office weren't pleased as punch with Alisha's whip-wielding moonlighting gig. In fact, the State Attorney General suspended our heroine, without pay, effective immediately, while they 'investigate' her off duty antics. A legal eagle who punishes - whips, etc. - the people who ask for it? What's wrong with that? It's not her dominatrix gig that gives me pause, it's her law degree and her day job that get 'er done. Standing Will Be Good For You, Lardass Martin Kessman is a 64 year old stockbroker from Rockland County (New York), but his claim to PIGish fame is the fact that he's a whining Empire State asshat. Martin is in a pissing contest with the burger wranglers at White Castle. Why? Why indeed. Martin is hopping made over the shabby treatment he received at White Castle's hands. He's mad enough that he's claiming the burger wranglers are violating his civil rights under the Shyster Full Employment Act (Americans With Disabilities Act), by willfully discriminating against lardasses like Martin. You see, PIGsters, Martin is too fat to shoehorn his lard into a White Castle booth.
After he left the eatery, Martin fired off a letter to White Castle, noting:
Did White Castle take Martin's complaint to heart? Martin doesn't think so:
Martin, dude, in these tough economic times, White Castle execs might think spending money on lardass size seating is an unnecessary expenditure. Martin, dude, if you think the universe revolves around you, you're delusional. Get over yourself, dude. Tennessee Black Flags TOFU The fun started when a Murfreesboro (Tennessee) woman, a vegetarian, decided to proclaim her undying adoration for Tofu. After mulling it, she decided to get 'er done with a personalized plate that would tell anyone who saw it that 'I Love Tofu'. No harm, no foul? Not exactly. In theory her declaration of love for Tofu - "ILVTOFU" is harmless enough, unless you're a minion in the Tennessee Department of Revenue, Taxpayer and Vehicle Services. When he, she, heshe or it reads "ILVTOFU", they don't think I LV TOFU ("I Love Tofu"). Instead, they see I LV TO FU (I Love To F**K You) which is never going to pass muster in the Volunteer State. I guarantee that 99% of the people who see "ILVTOFU" aren't reading this: I LV TOFU. They're seeing THIS: I LV TO FU. Better luck next time, darlin'. Korrectnik Buy-Back If you think you've heard it all, when it comes to gun phobic antics, get over it. In Buffalo (New York) a 'urban anti-violence group' just took the ubiquitous gun 'buy back' into the Twilight Zone. How? You're going to be thrilled. No doubt the perpetrators of this farce are the same loons who worry that tykes who enjoy candy cigarettes will soon become chain smoking hellions. With that kind of mind set, this drivel from one parent is par for the course:
That's right, PIGsters, some alleged adults perpetrated a buyback campaign for NERF GUNS. We can't have Little Johnny and his pals firing spongy rubber projectiles at each other. Why, the next thing you know they'll want a supersoaker squirt gun. Sooner or later, Little Johnny will demand a personalized AK-47, then an Abrams tank. OMG! Little Johnny's Nerf gun has him on the fast track to a TEA Party Membership. Poor Little Johnny... When, exactly, did America turn into another busybody infested ENGLAND? Chazmania, or Greed? Johnny Cash wrote a song about a 'Boy Named Sue', so it's only fair that We the PIGs bring you the fun facts about a 23 year old Arizona wench named 'Spencer' Cullen and her partner in thievery, Adriano Altiveros. In need of a cash infusion, the pair decided that their employer - Walmart - had a lot more money than it needed, so they hatched a plan to help themselves to some of it. While Adriano distracted the cashiers in the Prescott (Arizona) Walmart where they worked, Spencer use a stolen key to gain entry to the locked cash office. Once inside, Spencer lightened Walmart's burden, by pocketing $45,000. And what, you ask, does this have to do with Chaz Bono? Spencer needed the money for female to male sex change. Has Chazmania claimed another victim? Enquiring minds what to know. Parting shot: What did Chaz Bono know about this and when did heshe know it? Shyster Full Employment Act Strikes Again In June 2009, after a spotless, incident free, 5 year stint as a truck driver for Old Dominion Freight Line, Charles Grams told his employers that he 'might' have a drinking problem. As a result, his employers suspended him from his driving position. Game, set, match? Not quite:
Old Dominion Freight Lines prefers to err on the side of caution when it comes to alcoholism, by banning alcoholics from driving on of their rigs. Furthermore, they will only give the 'grounded' driver a non-driving position with the firm AFTER the individual completes a treatment program. Unwilling to accept that as the 'final answer', Charles Grams took his sad story to the EEOC, which told him the thrilling news that substance abuse/alcoholism is a recognized 'disability' under the Shyster Full Employment Act (Americans With Disabilities Act). As far as they're concerned, putting a drunk behind the steering while of a truck is an idea whose time has come. They want Charles Grams back on the road, and they want it NOW. Watch This... Apparently nobody told a woman that her job in a South Florida stop and rob included 'bulletproof vest' under recommended attire. I know what you're thinking and you're HALF right. Yes, the woman got shot while at work in a stop and rob. BUT, it wasn't a Flori-DUH desperado who shot her:
Shot by her boss? You really need to ask for a raise, after that, darlin'. Wausau Parade Fun & Games Opening Moves - You're SO Not Wanted
Game, set, match? Hardly. Wausau Mayor Hits Parade Organizers Where It Hurts No sponsorship, means no liability insurance, and no street closures, no barricades and no police to provide protection, unless the Marathon County Labor Council decided to shell out for it themselves. No city sponsorship also means some of the participants - local high school bands and organizations - might pull out, due to security concerns. Labor Council Gets The Message Does this mean the Elephant Clan hack will receive a rousing welcome? I'll let you decide that one, after you read this charming passage from this labor asshat's email statement:
I didn't find any 'bygones are bygones' in that, how about you? Osama Bin Loggin
The shirt Loggers' Playday 2011 shirt shows Osama tied to a log which is being dunked into a waterway by a muscular logger. It is, as the accompanying image shows, utterly PIG-worthy. Apparently, there are some hypersensitive asshats who fail to see the humor in the shirt. Who are these whiners? My Kiwi news source is stingy with the details, aside from noting that the shirt "has caused some controversy". The most likely offendees are the indigenous Libertard Moonbats AND those rat bastards in CAIR. And what, you ask, do I think of this shirt? I think I REALLY want one. |
AUGUST 2011 |
Honoring Joey Vento We the PIGs regret to report that one of our favorite American Dreamers, Joey Vento, has died of a heart attack at age 71. The driving force behind Geno's Steaks, which opened in 1966, Joey Vento was a legend in South Philly and a hero of inkorrectness, here in the Free State of PIG. Life goes on in South Philly, and so will Geno's Steaks, but we think that somehow, the City of Brotherly Love won't be the same without Joey Vento. He was a proud American whose work ethic inspired us and he will be sorely missed. Rest in peace, Joey, you've earned it. The entire PIGdom sends its heartfelt condolences to Joey Vento's family. Fighting Back Outraged by the statewide smoking ban, which went into effect on May 1, 2010, Stephen Mace watched in horror when at least 100 small adult beverage emporiums went out of business during the first year of the ban. What, you ask, can one man do? What indeed. Stephen Mace started, by forming a new group, Protect Private Property Rights in Michigan. After taking on the role of director for the group, Stephen Mace promoted an interesting idea. As of September 1, 2011, Stephen, and 500 bar owners statewide, have pledged to blacklist, all the Smoke Nazi Legicrats, by refusing to serve them in their watering holes. Among other things, Stephen wants to build a motivational fire under the Elephant Clan hacks, who were sent to Lansing, last November. They talked a good story, before the Chad-a-thon, but after they were elected, they walked away from their pledge to paint a bull's-eye on the anti-smoking law. Give the bastards hell, Stephen. The Free State of PIG has your back. Flaming Idiocy The essential elements in this fiery epic are: a Kalamazoo (Michigan) woman named Carol Woodley, nail polish remover which contains the highly combustible acetone, a cancer stick, an ignition source (a cigarette lighter). If you see where we're headed, don't shout it out. The fun started, when our heroine decided to remove her fingernail polish. It was all going as planned, until Carol got a craving for a nicotine injection. The moment she flicked her BIC, Carol's house EXPLODED, unleashing an inferno which inflicted second and third-degree burns over 40% of her body. With her clothes on fire, Carol ran out of her house. Luckily, two of her neighbors - Scott Rouse and Benn Woodworth - rushed to her rescue and were able to extinguish her burning clothes. At press time, Carol was being attended by the medical professionals at Bronson Methodist Hospital. He's Still Got The Moves Around 9:15 p.m., after a sumptuous meal at their favorite eatery - Hurricane Alley in Boynton Beach (Florida) - 63 year old Fred Kemp and his lovely bride headed for their 2011 Volkswagon Jetta. Fred barely had time to get into the driver's seat, when he was accosted by a gun packing asshat, 41-year-old Richard Nowling. The confrontation escalated, after Fred shoved the gun out of his face and Richard began to pistol whip him. That's when Fred Kemp made his move. A former wrestler, Fred is a lot more formidable than his 5-foot-7 stature indicates. He proved that when he demonstrated some wrestling moves on Richard:
Unwilling to relax his hold, Fred persuaded his assailant to hang around and exchange pleasantries with the police. In due course, Richard Nowling was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a waiting Graybar Hotel suite for armed robbery and aggravated battery. Nicely done Fred. We the PIGs like your moxie. Tough Old Bird It happened while 85-year-old Edward Alexander was watering the front yard of his Chatham (Illinois) home. That's when a free ranging asshat accosted him, shoving a gun in his belly. Game, set, match? Hardly. Edward took a swat at the gun, which discharged, sending a bullet through Edward's leg. Unaware, for the moment, that he'd been shot, Edward hammered his assailant with a powerful punch to the asshat's jaw. Reeling from the haymaker, the asshat beat a hasty retreat to a waiting car. After a brief stay at the hospital, Edward was back on his feet, and spoiling for a return engagement: "I hope I'm prepared, next time...Prepared to send them to the morgue." Don't mess with Edward Alexander, because he's one hell of a scrapper. Pervert Punchout It happened in Des Moines, while a 13 year old wenchlet was playing outside her home. Her day took an unlikely turn, when a pervert named Robert Harding tried to lure the wenchlet into a nearby alley. Nobody's fool, the wenchlet did the smart thing, by racing home to tell her mom about the pervert's antics. Mom, Holly Pullen, is our kind of gal, because she raced out to confront the bastard. A CBS News story shared these punchy particulars about what happened next:
When Sarah Palin made her famous 'mama grizzly' comment, she was talking about women like Holly Pullen. For your mama grizzly defense of your daughter, We the PIGs salute you, Holly. Another Flag Flap Our heroine is an optometrist named Dr. Dawn Kamin. She plies her trade under the name Affordable Eye Care, which is located in a business condominium complex in Germantown, Tennessee. Everything was spiffy, until an outburst of troops-supporting patriotism made her deploy a flagpole and American flag in front of her optometry office. No harm, no foul? Nope. After her flag was deployed, Dr. Kamin received a missive from the outfit which owns the condo complex, Tesco properties. In the message, Tesco Properties informed Dr. Kamin that the flagpole and flag violated the business condo's bylaws, so she must remove them, ASAP. Unwilling to let Tesco Properties push her around, Dr. Kamin demanded a copy of the business condo's bylaws. So far, Tesco Properties is ignoring Dr. Kamin's request. Instead, the relevant spokeshole for Tesco Properties explains that the tenant - Dr. Kamin, in this instance - is responsible for the interior of the property. As the property's rightful owners, Tesco is responsible for the maintain the exterior 'common areas' in the complex. That includes, the spot where Dr.Kamin put her flagpole. Although it's 'the flag' which makes this story news-worthy, it's a minor detail, in the grand scheme of things. Dr. Kamin didn't have the right, as a tenant, to deploy her flagpole, or any other element of decor, on the common area in the business condo complex. In other words, this is a straightforward matter of property rights. Hereditary Stupidity It started as a straightforward shoplifting caper, but that all changed when two of the perpetrators got all wet and had a fatal encounter with Darwinian Deselection. Confused? I'll do my best to resolve that pesky issue. Mother Nature was cooperative, for a change, when she set the stage for the grand finale, by dumping 6 inches of rain on the Charlotte (North Carolina) area. With everything ready, our prime movers arrived on the scene. The trio of sticky fingered 'shoppers' plied their trade at a local Burlington Coat Factory outlet, in the middle of a rainy afternoon. When their antics were spotted, the trio tried to make a watery escape, by jumping into McAlpine Creek, but their timing sucked. On that afternoon, the rainsoaked creek had swollen from a its usually placid 2 feet depth into a fast moving 10 feet deep death trap. While one of the shoplifters was bagged at the water's edge, two others - 43-year-old Grace Johnson and her 16-year-old daughter Rianna - sealed their fate by jumping into the fast moving water. In record time, the fickle fates pulled off a stunning daily double, by stamping the pair's Human Gene Pool Improvement Applications 'approved'. File this under 'they're all wet' in your HGPI archives. A Second Amendment Tale Wearing his ski mask and packing 'heat', a teenage Flori-DOLT lurked in an Applybee's parking lot, waiting for someone to show up for a late (10:30 p.m.) meal. The desperado, 17-year-old Anthony Hauser, put his game face on, when he accosted Raven Smith and Lesley Tanner the moment they got out of their car. Game, set, match? Nope. Although he seemed to have the upper hand, Anthony was in for a painful reality check, thanks to that pesky Second Amendment,. In the blink of an eye, the intended victim - Raven Smith - deployed his own handgun, and unloaded fusillade into Anthony Hauser. Far from amused by the four bullets that hit him, Anthony Hauser shouted at his intended victim to stop shooting him. Yanking off his mask, he whined that his gun - a locked, loaded, and fully operational .25 caliber auto - was fake. Our Second Amendment hero took pity on the fool, whom he disarmed, before he flagged down a cop. Bagged and tagged, a bullet riddled Anthony Hauser was dragged to a local hospital, where surgeons extracted the bullets. Thanks to the fools and drunks exemption, the punk will survive to stand trial for two counts of attempted armed robbery. PIG News is pleased to report that our Second Amendment hero isn't facing charges for defending himself. Courage In A Crisis Keeping a cool head under trying conditions, a Lawrenceville, Georgia, woman, 23 year old Carolina Lopera, managed to turn the tables on the determined dumbass who kidnaped her. Carolina's gut check started at 10:30 p.m., while she was using an automated DVD rental kiosk outside a CVS Pharmacy. That's when 45-year-old Ronald Foster barged into her life. Pressing what felt like a gun into her back, he made her return to her car. Once in the car, he made her drive from one ATM machine to the next, ordering her to withdraw $500 using her bank card. Ronald's plan hit a speed bump, when Carolina explained that her card was a credit card and that she lacked a PIN number to allow withdrawals. Undaunted, Ronald ordered Carolina to make purchases and get cash back, but that didn't work either. Frustrated, Ronald lowered his expectations, agreeing to let Carolina go, if she could come up with $100 in cash. That's when Carolina made her move. She told Ronald she could get the money from a friend who lived not too far away. When he allowed her to call the friend, Carolina explained that her friend only spoke Spanish. Undaunted, Ronald let her make the call. Take a chance that her captor didn't speak Spanish, Carolina told her friend about her plight. In record time, the police were notified and Carolina was instructed to bring Ronald to a nearby subdivision. Utterly clueless, Ronald drove right into the trap, where the police made short work of bagging, tagging, and dragging him to Graybar Hotel suite. He might as well get comfy, because the list of charges hanging over his head is impressive: robbery, kidnaping, theft by taking and terroristic threats and acts. Understandably shaken, an otherwise unscathed Carolina is being hailed for her courage by the Lawrenceville polices. Ready, Aim...OUCH! Our hero, a 27-year-old Arizona denizen, tried his best to look macho, when he made a pit stop at a grocery store in Chandler. There were, however, a few devilish details that tarnished the luster of his macho image. I'm sure the handgun tucked in the front waistband of his pants was meant to evoke a manly image. It might have got 'er done with greater efficiency if the wasn't PINK. That's right, he had his fiancee's pink pistol tucked in his pants. Speaking of that pink pistol, it's time to bring up that other image tarnishing matter. While he was being macho, our hero got the thrill of his life, when the gun fulfilled its primary function. His marksmanship was exception, painful, and a significant blow to his manhood. That's right, PIGsters, Old Deadeye managed to shoot himself in the wang with a PINK pistol. According to our news source, the police deemed Old Deadeye's self-inflicted injuries 'non-life threatening'. Non-life threating notwithstanding, the wound to his manhood was serious enough to require surgery in a local hospital. Parting shot: "Injuries are non-life threatening?" Technically, I'm sure that's true. Using his wang for target practice might not kill him, but, depending on the damage inflicted, it might make him wish he was dead. One Shot, One Kill When trouble showed up at her workplace, our heroine - henceforth Annie (Oakley) - was up to the challenge. At 6 a.m., Annie took a break from her clerk duties at the Days Inn motel, to prepare her breakfast. When she entered the food prep area of the motel, a 43 year old asshat named Vincent Carson accosted her. After pressing a knife to her throat to ensure cooperation, this scumbag made a fatal mistake. Stuffing his knife in his pocket, he tried to bind Annie with plastic ties. That's when Annie made her move. Reaching under her shirt, she pulled out a handgun, whirled around to face Vincent, then shot him in the chest at point-blank range. Although Vincent outweighed Annie by 100 pounds, or more, and was at least a foot taller than our 2nd Amendment heroine, he was no match for a .22 caliber bullet to the chest. That's all it took to forcibly evict him from the land of the living and put him in the express lane to hell. Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott is convinced that Vincent's plan involved more than robbery. It also included rape and quite possibly murder. That might explain why our heroine, Annie, isn't going to be facing any charges for her marksmanship. Crime & Punishment When it comes to 'plot' twists, this true crime drama boldly goes where your favorite boob tube cops and robbers show wouldn't dare to follow. * At 11 p.m., four ski mask wearing desperados swoop down on a couple canoodling in a pickup truck in Hialeah, Flori-DUH. * Separating the couple, the robbers dragged the man to a waiting car, while two other desperados got into the truck with the man's girlfriend. * After binding the couple's hands with flex ties, the robbers drove the couple to the man's home in Miami, where they reunited him with his wife, mother, and two children. * After beating up the man, and roughing up his wife, they tied up the man and his family, then helped themselves to a handsome payday, by making off with thousands of dollars worth of loot: cash and jewelry. * Before they left, the desperados brought in hubby's girlfriend, introduced her to her boyfriend's wife, then left her there, while they made their escape. In a perfect world, we'd find a recording - video, of course - of those magic moments, when wifey gave her man an earful. Lemonade Stand Jihad Continues It's called RAGBRAI (Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa) and it's a big noise in the Hawkeye State. The months of planning bore bitter fruit, for one Iowa city, when the RAGBRAI participants pedaled their asses into Coralville, Iowa. Part of the city's preparation involved a new ordinance for the two days, when RAGBRAI invaded this wide spot on an Iowa road. Spouting the usual health and safety drivel, city officials required all vendors to have bureaucrat approved permits to operate during RAGBRAI. Determined to shut down any illegal vendors during RAGBRAI, the city sent badge-packing Code Enforcement Nazis goose-stepping throughout the city, looking for rogue capitalists. Did they find any? Yup. 8 blocks from the designated RAGBRAI route, the Code Enforcement Nazis put a 4 year old tyke's lemonade stand out of business, when the nipper couldn't produce the mandated $400 permit. It was one of the 3 lemonade stands the Code Enforcement Nazis goose-stepped into oblivion during RAGBRAI. Coralville's Chief of Police doesn't want to talk about the way his officers mounted their Jihad against lemonade stands. In city hall, the City Administrator dithered, trying to excuse the inexcusable. As far as I can tell, there's only one rational adult in a position of authority in Coralville:
The Lemonade Stand Jihad is picking up steam, from sea to shining sea, because the Marxist Moonbats know that little capitalists grow up to be - GASP - entrepreneurs. There's no place for the likes of THEM in the Marxist Messiah's America. |
JULY 2011 |
Here We Go Again In the Darth Vader corner, we have a Bossier City (Louisiana) home owner's association. In the Paragons of Patriotism corner, we have Timothy and Jodi Burr, who have lived in the Gardens of Southgate subdivision since 2006. In the center of the ring is a large multicolor banner with a picture of Marine Corps Lance Corporal Corey Burr, who is currently deployed in Afghanistan. The homeowners association is differently thrilled about the sign, which proclaims "Our son defends our freedom." Instead of a 'thank you for your service, Corey', the homeowners association ordered the Burrs to take down the banner, which violates the subdivision's rules of engagement. Despite being hit with a lawsuit by the homeowners association, the Burrs are hanging tough. Their attitude towards the order to remove the banner can be summed up in two words: bite me. I respect the Burrs' patriotism, and their support for our troops. I respect that, but I'm compelled to remind them that one of the elements of freedom which their son is defending is that bane of looters and moochers existence, property rights. When they signed the purchase contract for their Gardens of Southgate home, the Burr's agreed to honor the property rights of the homeowners association, which set forth certain non-negotiable rules of home owner engagement. One of those rules, apparently, imposes unambiguous restrictions on banners like the one deployed by the Burrs. Like I said, I respect the Burrs and their steadfast support for their U.S. Marine Corps son, Lance Corporal Corey Burr. In a perfect world, the Burrs and the homeowners association would meet in the middle and find a mutually agreeable solution. In this imperfect world, I am dragged screaming and kicking, to side with the homeowners association asshats on this one. In this case, it's not a matter of if the homeowners association CAN enforce their rule against banners like the one deployed by the Burrs. Instead, it's a matter of if the homeowners association SHOULD force the Burrs to remove the banner. If the homeowners association was infested by rational adults, they would try to cajole the Burrs into downsizing the banner. If that effort failed, then it's time to go for the 'it's outta here' gusto. Parting shot: I'm painfully aware that 'cajole' isn't found anywhere in the standard homeowners association playbook. Don't Mess With A Marine Our hero is a 72 year old Mexas resident named Kenneth Kobobel, Sr. He and his brother were in his office in a strip mall, a few minutes before 10 a.m., when there was a knock on the door. When he opened the door, Kenneth was confronted by a gun packing stranger, instead of a worker coming for his paycheck, which he expected For a while, the robber had it all going his way:
After counting to 20, our hero called 911 to report the robbery. Next, Kenneth Kobobel raced outside, asked his neighbors which direction his assailant took, then climbed into his Lexus sedan to give chase. Infused with an adrenaline rush, Kenneth was ready for action, when he spotted his quarry in the parking lot of a strip mall. From there, the action was fast and furious: * Spotting Kenneth coming after him, the robber aimed his 9 mm handgun at his nemesis and fired off at least one round. * Armed with an equally formidable weapon, his 1997 Lexus sedan, Kenneth rammed into the robber, knocking him on his ass. * Down but not out, the robber scrambled to his feet, recocked his gun then aimed it at Kenneth. * Kenneth responded by ramming the robber again, really nailing him, this time. * Down for the count, the robber learned the hard way, that assaulting a Marine then playing chicken with a car, is a fatal mistake. Kenneth Kobobel is a good man, who isn't doing a victory lap after evicting this piece of desperado crap from the human gene pool. Kenneth might not be ready to celebrate, but we the PIG's damn sure are. Good riddance? You better believe it, Sparky. JetBlue Goes TSA On Passenger On July 13, 2010, Malinda Knowles did a header into air travel hell, when she tried to catch a flight from John F. Kennedy Airport to Florida. Dressed for maximum comfort, she wore a baggy t-shirt over a pair of denim shorts, but, due to the oversize shirt, the shorts were hidden from view. No harm, no foul? Hardly. She was already on the plane when trouble - a humor-challenged JetBlue supervisor - came calling:
Malinda is suing JetBlue and I don't blame her. In addition to getting her pound of JetBlue's fle$h, perhaps Malinda and her legal team can get an answer for the burning question: when, exactly, did air travel turn into its own circle of hell. A Man With a Plan At first glance, Danwine Dewane Renard's identity theft ring is nothing special. In fact, it's barely PIG-worthy, if it wasn't for that OTHER matter. * By various means, he and his cohorts obtained the personal information about the unsuspecting victim. * Once armed with the necessary information, they obtained identification in the victim's name. * Using the bogus identification, our mastermind and his co-horts opened bank accounts in their victim's name, then deposit bad checks into the accounts. * Before the bank had time to detect the bogus checks, our mastermind had his cohorts withdraw money via the bank's ATMs. They would also write bad checks on the accounts. How did they do? The identity theft ring pulled in at least $200,000. That's pretty good. In fact, it's excellent, considering that during the 2 years he ran this identity theft ring Dewine Renard was on honored guest in a Missouri Graybar hotel. Despite that, he was able to use phone calls and letters to send instructions to his identity theft ring. Georgia Lemonade Girls Update Earlier this month, PIG News posted a story about a goose-stepping, badge-packing pissant who shut down a wenchlet lemonade stand in Midway, Georgia. The aftershocks from that are still shaking things up. The girls still might be hammered by this badge packing chief of police BITCH, in court:
If the lemonade wenchlets - Kasity Dixon, 14, Tiffany Cassin, 12, and Skylar Roberts, 10 - are charged, they're going to be assisted in their defense by Dave Roland, director of litigation and co-founder of the Freedom Center of Missouri, who specialize in exposing petty tyranny, like the crap that's going on in Midway, Georgia. I'm pleased to report, that the wenchlets are back in business, thanks to a rational adult who just happens to run the waterpark that our lemonade wenchlets were eager to visit with the money they earned:
What Goes Around, Comes Around Our heroine is a 61 year old Colorado woman named Yukari Miyamae. While trying to catch a flight at Sky Harbor International Airport (Phoenix, Arizona). she struck a blow for every passenger who has been mauled by a TSA terrorist. Like any rational adult, Yukari wasn't in the mood to be mauled by some TSA bitch. Unlike most of us, Yukari took matters into her own hands, literally. Trapping the TSA bitch's left breast in both of her hands, Yukari squeezed down, then administered a two-fisted titty twister. Heroic? Oh, hell yes. Bagged, tagged, and dragged? That too. Yakari freely admits what she did, but, so far, she isn't ready to explain what motivated her. Unless this is our 61 year old heroine's first flight, I think her reasons are self-evident, and don't require any further explanation. Although she was released on her own recognizance, Yukari still faces a felony count of - TA DA - sexual abuse. Update: Yukari Miyamae caught a break, this week, when the relevant justice system officials decided NOT to hit our heroine with felony charges. Instead, the Maricopa County district attorney turned the case over to city prosecutors. That means she could still be charged with a misdemeanor. Troubling Quote of the Week During his recent appearance on 'Fox News Sunday', Elephant Clan presidential candidate, Herman Cain, discussed the on-going turmoil in Nashville (Tennessee) over a new mosque. When asked if the citizens of a town have the right to prevent a mosque from setting up shop in their patch of America, Herman said: "They have the right to do that." My initial, visceral, response to a new mosque in my hood would be similar to Herman's, but, in short order, a more rational me would recognize Herman's take on this subject as our old friend: the tyranny of the majority. He is also quoted as saying:
This also troubles me, since Herman hasn't got his facts straight. The 1st Amendment does NOT invoke "a separation of church and state". It DOES admonish Congress from making a law which ESTABLISHES an official state religion. Herman is right that Mecca Mania is, at its heart. a political philosophy which seeks to make Islam the ONLY religion in the WORLD. Admittedly, a mosque is a breeding ground for Jihadikaze asshats. It's a high pressure indoctrination center where minds full of mush true believers are radicalized and taught to despise inalienable individual liberty. When their hatred of everything American reached critical mass, radicalized true believers are spewed out into this land conceived in liberty, where they will spread their special, titans of tolerance, brand of joy. Do I want a one of these Jihadikaze factories (a mosque) in my neighborhood, or my town? Hell no. Do I think I have the inherent, tyranny of the majority, right to stop them? Hell no. Liberty is a real pain in the ass that way. It troubles me, that Herman Cain doesn't understand this facet of inalienable individual liberty. Til Jail Do Us Part For one aspiring Illinois groom, the trip from 'Dearly beloved...' to 'I now pronounce you' included a pit stop in the Macon County graybar hotel. Billy Rutherford got the thrilling news, while he and his fiancée waited outside a Macon County courtroom, where they were slated to be married. Is there something they didn't know? Not exactly. Proving that love is indeed blind, and saddled with convenient memory lapses, the eager couple put that other 'unpleasantness' out of their mind. Unfortunately for them, the proper authorities were up to speed on the court order that Billy stay away from his bride to be: Billy Rutherford was arrested Wednesday for allegedly violating the terms of his bail as he and his fiancée waited outside a Macon County courtroom to get married. Billy's bride to be caught a break, thanks to the proper authorities. Darlin', if he's beating on you now, what makes you think that he'll stop after you're married? Take a hint, sweet cheeks....RUN LIKE HELL away from him. Utterly American Tales Airborne Tantrum After taking as much as he could, Pogos let the flight attendant know what he thought about the infuriating Southwest Airlines policy that the attendant kept on spouting. In addition to showering the attendant with the requisite pleasantries, Pogos started pelting his nemesis with peanuts and pretzels. No harm, no foul? Nope. Utterly unamused, the Southwest Airlines minions summoned the proper authorities, who rewarded Pogos high altitude hissy fit, by charging him with 'a federal charge of interference with a flight crew'. Mama Channels Her Inner Grizzly, When TSA Mauls Her Baby Girl First, Andrea went postal over the TSA scanner:
Andrea's rejection of the TSA peep show scanner, took the confrontation to the next level, when - per their alleged policy - the TSA got ready to grope Andrea and her wenchlet:
After a brief sojourn in the local graybar hotel, Andrea made bail. This pagan scribbler salutes her for refusing to let the TSA rat bastards bully her. Affirmative Action for Dolls? With entirely too much time on their hands, Colorado's Korrectnik-infested Department of Human Services is painting a regulatory bull's-eye on the state's day-care centers. Weighing in at nearly 98 pages (so far), the proposed regulations include numerous favorite Korrectnik obsessions:
Last, and far from least, Korrectniks injected this outburst of diversity dementia: "Dolls shall represent three (3) races." Affirmative Action for dolls at day-care centers? Seriously? Yes, I know: "it's for the children". Bite me. Trashed In The Big Apple For an 83-year-old Big Apple denizen, it was just another morning in the city. Needing a jolt to get her going, Darbe Pitofsky headed for a nearby McDonald's for a cup of coffee. Noting the papers from the previous day, Darbe stuffed them into a Bloomingdale's bag, so she could put them in conveniently located trash can, along her route to the bastion of Ronald McDonald. What could possibly go wrong? The mundane morning careened into the Twilight Zone, the moment she dumped her bag of old papers into a city trash can:
Did Darbe file a complaint with the city sanitation department? Yup, but they're not giving her any TLC. Although she was walking to the local McDonald's, somehow that does not make her a pedestrian, in the eyes of the sanitation department which huffs "Corner baskets are for pedestrian use only." Somebody needs to beat some f**king sense in the NYC Trash Nazis. Parting shot: If this goose-stepping Trash Nazi doesn't want the newspapers tossed into a trash can, so be it. Instead, somebody needs to rip off his britches and shove those newspapers up his Trash Nazi ass. THEY Told Me To Do It For several memorable hours, a Hoosier wingnut named Isaac Kennedy made life thrilling for the staff, and shoppers, at an Evansville-west Wal-Mart. During his sojourn inside the Wal-Mart, our hero: * Demonstrated ample signs of being 'strung out'. * Doused some comforters and three backpacks with lighter fluid. * Helped himself to an air pistol, a knife, a Walkman, and a Slipknot CD. * Cracked open a case of beer and started downing it. Finally, and this might explain ALL OF THE ABOVE, Isaac got into a shouting match with a Wal-Mart drug wrangler who wouldn't give Isaac his prescription, after our hero refused to pay for it. Bagged, tagged, and dragged? You better believe it, but our hero had his excuses locked and loaded. According to Isaac, a bunny rabbit told him to go back inside, after the pharmacist wouldn't hand over his meds. Once Isaac got inside the Devil himself told Isaac to douse the afore mentioned items with lighter fluid. A bunny-Devil excuse of the week double whammy is a new one on me. Record Shattering Burger Weighing in at a hefty 777lbs, the behemoth is certified by the Guinness World Record officials as "the largest commercially available hamburger" in the world. Created by Brett Enright from Juicy's Outlaw Grill (Phoenix, Arizona), this monster burger made its gala debut at the Alameda County Fair (Mexifornia), where Brett and his team spent 15 hours cooking the burger.
A 777lbs burger? Now THAT'S a PIG-worthy snack. Naming His Price The Casey Anthony jury isn't ready to fade away into the well of stupidity from whence they came, yet. Before they return to well deserved obscurity, they are media whoring themselves out, trying to defend the indefensible. At least one of them is has engaged the services of a publicist, so he can squeeze maximum profit from his jury duty brain fart.
Is he entitled to sell his story to the highest bidder? Yup, and I'm entitled not to watch when he cashes in on a wenchlet's death. Southern Fried Prance-A-Thon The fun was locked and loaded, as soon as the mayor of Salisbury, North Carolina, proclaimed June 25, 2011, GLAAD BAAG Pride Day (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Pride Day). When the momentous moment arrived, 2,000 GLAAD BAAGs prancing proudly, while 200 Holy Rollers were on hand to 'reward' the proud prancers, with 'pious' pleasantries. What could possibly go wrong? As a matter of fact, nothing of any consequence happened. There was, however, one minor incident that I deem PIG-worthy. It reached critical mass when a 74 year old proud prancer named Joan Parker had a close encounter with a 49-year-old Toll Taker, James Belcher, pastor of New Light Baptist Church in Millers Creek (North Carolina). According to Joan - henceforth 'Prancer' - Toll Taker James 'begged for it', with what sounds like Westboro Baptist Lite antics:
James - henceforth Preachy - doesn't make the 'kissed me on the lips' claim. He does, however, insist she went for a spit-swapper, but he thwarted her by turning his head.
Although neither Prancer or Preachy covered themselves in 'hero status' glory, neither of them deserves 'villain' status. That dubious 'honor' belongs to the Southern-Fried pinhead - Preachy flatly denies doing it - who nailed Prancer with a charge of simple assault, for trying to lay a liplock on Preachy. Simple or not, ASSAULT, is asinine. Parting Gift Two-fer Things that go boom I: Surprise one: some asshat had broken into the bookstore. Surprise two: they left a mess for the bookstore employees. Surprise three: the intruders left a pair of parting gifts: two unexploded devices. Luckily, the proper authorities were able to remove the devices and detonate them elsewhere. That leaves us with the obvious question: who would want to blow up a bookstore? Put another way, who would be THAT eager to snuff out a source of synaptic sustenance? Who indeed. My suspect list includes, in addition to the requisite disgruntled employee, plus two well documented opponents of synaptic activity: Obamunists, Mecca Maniacs. I'm just sayin'. Things that go boom II: After giving the civilian a badly needed lesson in 'It's a BOMB 101', the proper authorities deduced that the device was part of a military explosive. So far, nobody can explain how it ended up in a rustic slice of Upper Milford Township (Pennsylvania). Troubling events? You bet, doubly so with Independence Day looming large. Turmoil In Mexas There's trouble brewing in an unlikely locale: Houston National Cemetery. The source of the trouble is cemetery director Arleen Ocasio, who appears to be a hard core secularist who won't tolerate religious speech at HER cemetery. The Houston Chronicle served up these PIG-worthy examples: * She instructed the volunteers affiliated with the National Memorial Ladies to stop saying "God bless you" to families at funerals. * She instructed the volunteers to remove the words "God bless" from condolence cards. * '...According to court documents, Ocasio banned members of the groups from using certain religious words such as "God" or "Jesus," censored the content of prayer, and forbade the use of religious messages in burial rituals unless the deceased's family submitted the text to her for prior approval...' (Chronicle) * One of her first official acts involved closing the cemetery's chapel. Is this woman waging a personal war against religious speech at Houston National Cemetery? Or, is she simply a reflection of a anti-religious bias higher up the VA food chain? It's Enquiring Minds time in the PIGdom. |
| JUNE 2011 |
Neighbors Thank A Disabled Warrior, With A Kick In the Balls Army Sgt. 1st Class Sean Gittens was injured while defending our liberty in Afghanistan. A serious head injury, coupled with a severe stroke, left this warrior partially paralyzed. He needed a home, a special kind of home, to make life easier for his entire family. Help came from a group of patriotic Americans, whose mission in life is to build such homes for our vets:
And why, you ask, did this differently-patriotic homeowners association kick Sgt. Gittens while he was down? Because they're utter and complete assholes, would be my first guess, but they have a different excuse, one that's almost as vile: property values. "What's important to understand is the family already lives here. They're a great family. We have no qualms with them, The problem is, that street down there has 5,000-square-foot homes all the way up and down the street there. ... It just doesn't fit. That's the whole issue." Homeowners association ASSHOLE, Tom Rogers. If you're passing through Augusta (Georgia) and run into this Tom Rogers piece of shit, give him what he just gave Sean Gittens: a swift kick in the balls. Maine Town Sides With History, Instead of A Whiner Arthur Hertell, a denizen of Greenwood, Maine, refused to suffer the indignity in silence. The indignity, in this case, is a small, lightly traveled, byway which was named after a Prohibition era bootlegger: Alcohol Mary Road. Is Arthur a distant relative of Alcohol Mary? Nope, but he did have a grandmother named Mary - she wasn't Alcohol Mary - so Arthur whined to the town selectmen that the road "desecrated" the memory of his nana Mary. At a selectmen meeting, Arthur's shyster whined and bloviated, but, in the end, sanity prevailed, when the selectmen voted unanimously to keep the colorful road name. We the PIGs salute the Greenwood, Maine, selectmen for their PIG-worthy decision. American Tales Flagged by HOA Asshats in Ohio Fred Quigley is a 77-year old Army veteran, who was on active duty during the Vietnam War. Determined to honor the country he served, Fred put a flagpole in front of his Macedonia (Ohio) home, so he could fly Old Glory. No harm, no foul? Hardly. The asshats on his homeowners association threatened to haul Fred into court, because his flagpole violates the association's rule of engagement. Did Fred strike his colors? Hardly.
Gearing up for a battle with the homeowners association asshats, Fred hired a legal eagle, Gerald Patronite. In short order, Gerald trumped homeowners association rules of engagement, with an 2003 vintage state law. According to Gerald, "no deed restriction or association can abridge this right to display the flag". Game, set, match? It should be, but don't bet the farm on it. Relentlessly clueless, the best the homeowners association can come up with is an offer to deploy Old Glory at the entrance to the development. Fred Quigley's response was an unwavering 'bite me'. You've Got To Be Kidding Robert waited and waited, but nobody ever called. Unwilling to give up on his dream, he called, repeatedly, until he got Nicole McVaughn, manager of that Red Lobster, on the phone. Citing one tidbit from Robert's application, Nicole said it disqualified him, in her personal assessment, from further consideration. Outraged, Robert got lawyered up, then sued the eatery for discrimination. And what, you ask, is this job application tidbit which disqualified him? Race? Nope. Gender? Nope. Sexual orientation? Nope. Religious affiliation? Nope and you're no even warm. Robert, who has been to state prison twice, for at least three robbery convictions, was disqualified because Nicole McVaughn does not hire convicted felons. Is Robert's lawsuit doomed? In Libertard infested New York? I doubt it. They'll probably give him a tickertape parade, a key to he city, and make him the Red Lobster manager, in place of Nicole McVaughn. Some are more equal than others? You betcha. Look, Up In The Sky... It's that time of year again, in Dutch Harbor, Alaska. The airborn strike team - a pair of bald eagles nesting on the bluff overlooking the U.S. Post Office - are once again, defending a brood of newly hatched chicks. As usual, they're making life thrilling for post office patrons and staff:
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! You were right the first time. It's a bird...It's a BIG damn bird, and it's not willing to share its nesting area with the humans who inhabit its nesting territory. Fiery Fun The critical elements in this story are two Michigan meatheads, a van, a plastic container filled with gasoline sitting inside the van, and a cancer stick. If you see where this is headed, don't spoil it for the merely mortal. The hilarity started, when one of our heroes lit up a cigarette inside the van, igniting the gas fumes. When the ensuing explosion set the van on fire, our heroes bailed out. The blast also set the van in motion, allowing it to roll away from the Milham Meadows apartment complex (Portage, Michigan). It rolled right across Oakland Drive, through the parking lot of the building across the street, before it hit a fence. The good news is that, the building across the street is Portage Fire Station #2. The bad news is that the fire crew from that station was across town, refueling their fire trucks. Luckily, firefighters from all 3 stations arrived in time to put out the fire which had spread from the van to the fence. Burned, but not that seriously, our heroes lived to be stupid another day. Old Ka-Boom's fools and drunks exemption strikes again. Stoner Says The fun started, around 9:11 a.m. on a Tuesday night, when the automatic license plate reader in a police cruiser, got a 'stolen' on the tag from a passing Mercedes sedan. Up to the challenge, the Ashland (Massachusetts) police officer, pulled over the Mercedes, then proceeded to exchange pleasantries with the driver: Erik Gotimer, 24. Prosecutor Maggie Pastuszak shared these particulars during Erik's arraignment:
Saving the best for last, Erik uncorked a gem after the officer bagged, tagged, and dragged him to a local graybar hotel for larceny of a vehicle, driving under the influence of marijuana and driving without a license. Bummed, and who can blame him, Erik complained: "Man, you guys ruined my buzz, can't smoke no more weed tonight." Big Apple Twofer Slice & Dice A short time later, William was browsing on the supermarket's meat aisle, when his tormentor attacked him with a knife, slashing William across the neck. Luckily, a heroic store employee intervened, downing William's tormentor with a flying tackle. Moments later, the tormentor, Abdullah Mohammed, was dragged out of the store, while this uncivilized, VIOLENCE PRONE Mecca Maniac shrieked pleasantries at everyone around him. Parting shot: Is Mecca Mania to blame for this asshole's antics? Not necessarily, but, given the rage-a-holic nature of its adherents, it can't be automatically eliminated as a 'contributing factor', either. Too Revealing? In NYC? WTF?
As expected, the relevant authorities, responded with a 'nothing to see here, move along':
So that's how 'Lying Dutch bitch', sounds in Big Apple lingo. Learn something new, every day. Parting shot: Her outfit is too revealing in New York City? Seriously? Given the prevailing dress code, anything short of going out stark naked rates as 'modest attire', by Big Apple standards. Holy Hood Ornaments, Batman! One minute, the 32-year-old lawn care professional was taking care of business outside a Hawker Beechcraft plant in Wichita (Kansas). The next minute, he was flying through the air after a 67 year old road warrior - Mohamed Sarrafizadeh - evicted him from the human gene pool, by nailing our weed wacking bull's-eye with his Toyota Sienna. Ignoring the sickening thump, our road warrior didn't even slow down, when his victim's lifeless body landed on the windshield, bounced off, then came to rest in the luggage rack on the Toyota's roof. Refusing to be distracted by such a petty annoyance, Mohamed drove on, for another 3 miles, to a house in a rooty tooty part of town. Unhappily, for Mohamed, other motorists weren't as cold blooded as he is, so one of them followed him home, then called the proper authorities to come have a chat with Mohamed about his 'luggage'. Mohamed was, subsequently, bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar hotel, on charges of .leaving the scene of an accident. B of A Bull Crap Taking advantage of the prevailing housing market, Warren and Maureen Nyerges looked over the foreclosed homes in southwest Florida, then bought a 2,700-square foot home from the Bank of America. The key element of this transaction is the fact that the Nyerges didn't get a mortgage. They paid the asking price, $165,000, in full, so they owned the house outright. Happily ever after? Nope. Four months after the Nyerges bought their new home, the asshats at Bank of America submitted the paperwork to foreclose on the Nyerges home. Why did they foreclose on a home which had been fully paid off? Because they can, and, because they had their heads up their ass. Unwilling to let B of A steal their rightful property, the Nyerges took the bank to court:
It's amazing how quickly a deadbeat - like B of A - can react, when you show up with justice system officials and a moving van to clean out one of their bank branches. Proud To Be A Marine In addition to seeking out 'a few good men', the Marine Corps also seeks out 'a few good women'. We the PIGs think they found one, when they signed up a Keystone State high school graduate, 17 year old Lindsay Starr. A bright young woman, Lindsay graduated from North Allegheny High School (Pittsburgh) early, after which she headed for boot camp, which she has recently completed. In fact she finished boot camp just in time for her class's 'official graduation ceremony. It's that ceremony which posed a minor problem for our newly minted Marine. She wanted to wear her dress blues, instead of the requisite cap and gown during the ceremony, but school officials turned her down. Quite understandably, they worried about setting a precedent for 'non-traditional' graduation attire. We the PIGs understand that, so we're calling this one no harm, no foul. Parting shot: I would be remiss, if I didn't let Lindsay speak on her own behalf:
We the PIGs salute this proud Marine for her willingness to serve our country. You make us proud, Marine. He Has The Right stuff At first, the bank heist went exactly as planned, for a Flori-DUH desperado named Matthew Rogers. After entering a Sarasota Bank of America branch, he brandished his firearm, then used it to elicit a cash infusion from the bank tellers. So far, so good. At some point in his caper, Matthew stepped in it, by threatening the sons of another bank customer, Eddie Peoples. That proved to be his undoing, because Eddie Peoples has ample experience, when it comes to dealing with armed asshats. An active duty Army staff sergeant, Eddie sprang into action:
Nice takedown, Sergeant. Very nice takedown. Another 2nd Amendment Hero Our 2nd Amendment hero's week was much more eventful than he wanted or needed. It started badly, on a Wednesday night, when some asshat broke into his Sumter (South Carolina) home and made off with $3,400 in home electronics. Two days later, our homeowner heard a noise around 4 a.m. Unwilling to let another intruder rob him, our hero grabbed his handgun, and went looking for the bastard. He found his uninvited guest in his living room. Instead of an exchange of pleasantries, our hero let his firearm do the talking. It only took three bullets to convey his message. When he police arrived, they found the lifeless body of 42-year-old Henry Wiley about a 100 feet from our 2nd Amendment hero's duplex. Nicely shooting, 2nd Amendment Sparky. A Properly-PIGish Endeavor When seven Mexifornia hormone gorillas (PIGlish for teenage boys) spotted Denny's $5, all you can eat pancake special, they decided to go for the gusto. Suitably prepared for their adventure, the seven lads headed for a Foothill Ranch (Mexifornia) Denny's where they all ordered the all you can eat special. For the next 24 hours, they ate, and ate, and ate. In fact , they ate so much that the eatery ran out of pancake batter and had to send someone out to buy some. When the finally tally was computed, the lads had polished off 301 pancakes. That averages out to 43 pancakes per lad, or 14,000 calories apiece. And what, aside from heartburn and an understandable aversion for pancakes, did the lads get for their trouble? According to the OC Weekly, "they are establishing a new category for the Guinness Book of World Records". The FSOP salutes these youthful gormets for their inspirational feat. |
MAY 2011 |
American Tales What A Prick! That's right, this prick, Chucky, bought some roses at Winn-Dixie, pricked his finger on a thorn, then tried to cash on his boo-boo, by suing Winn-Dixie and the rose wranglers at Passion Growers LLC. He's asking for $15,000 to sooth the aftershocks from the boo-boo; pain, disfigurement, lost wages, and medical bills.
Disfigurement? An infection? It's an infection which makes Chucky miss work? I'm smelling something rancid, and it isn't the fertilizer used to grow the roses. Leap of Faith? Eager to celebrate, Anthony and his friends decided to punctuate Harold's failure, by jumping into the 'fast-flowing' Kalamazoo River. So what? So plenty. A dangerous waterway for powerful swimmers, it was a deadly threat to a NON-SWIMMER like Anthony. Ignoring the repeated warnings from his friends, Anthony jumped into the river with them. Instantly, he discovered how right THEY were and how WRONG he was. Flailing at the water, he called for help, but none of his friends were able to get to him, before the river swept him away to a watery grave. No Way To Treat His Mother Mom, Nancy Galuppo, blundered into little Andy's toy - an IED (improvised explosive device) - while she was cleaning the shed behind her home. Her Spring cleaning set off the explosive, initiating a blast that blew out the walls of the shed and nearly killed her. When the proper authorities paid a visit to Andy's home, they discovered another IED. Bagged tagged, and dragged for making a destructive device? You better believe it, Sparky. Parting shot: If you're wondering WTF is Andy's damage, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. What, exactly, was the Flori-DOLT planning to do? Organized Thuggery Union bosses who rob their rank and file members blind stopped being newsworthy years ago. Newsworthy or not, the union boss thievery is memorable enough to attract the attention of the U.S. Labor Department. Initial findings from the feds include these sticky fingered antics:
And how, you ask, did union bosses react, after members of their Communications Workers of America (CWA) local 101 talked to the Labor Department investigators? Predictably. One CWA member was beaten so severely his spine was injured. Another found a dead rat in his locker. A third heard a union leader suggest that truth telling members should be taken out to an isolated location and "taken care of". If you're thinking "empty threats", get over it. Many, if not most, of the worst outbursts of thuggery in Madison (Wisconsin) were perpetrated by steaming piles of allegedly human shit who were proudly displaying their CWA colors. Parting shot: If there's a meaningful difference between inherently violent (murderous) gang bangers and union thugs, it's news to me. Food Nazis Say "Stop Clowning Around" If you asked his bosses, they would say that their star employee is, after 48 years, just hitting his stride. If you asked his implacable foes at Corporate Accountability International, they would tell you that he wore out his welcome, 48 years ago. Who is 'he'? 'He' is that world renowned spokesclown, Ronald McDonald. What, you ask, is Ronald McDonald's alleged sin? The Food Nazis claim that he uses his special appeal with children, to lure tykes to their nutritional doom. Holy clown-faced Pied Pipers, Batman! We the PIGs don't patronize the Golden Arches that often, these days, but don't read anything into that. We hold Ronald McDonald in the highest esteem Why? Let's just say that we're not bummed over Ronald McDonald's ability to give Food Nazis heart burn. Anatomy of a Parasite Our award winner is a Wolverine State dude named Leroy Fick. Some time ago, when his luck went to crap, Leroy secured a Michigan Bridge Card (a credit card linked to Michigan's version of a food stamps program). So what? So plenty. Last June, Leroy's luck changed, for the better, when he won the $2,000,000 "Make Me Rich" jackpot. After the Nanny State took its sizeable cut, Leroy enjoyed an enriching $850,000 payday. Goodbye 'food stamps', hello Easy Street? Not exactly. Leroy did notify the state, but, under the rules of engagement, hitting a $2,000,000 jackpot does no disqualify him, when it comes to food stamps. Showing his true, looter, colors, Leroy has continued to use his MBC card, despite his $troke of luck. Is this looter the least bit embarrassed? Nope:
You're a parasite, Leroy. In fact, you're the WORST KIND of parasite, a no shit fact that you wear like a badge of honor. On behalf of the citizens of a state I once called home, I say, from the bottom of my heart: bite me you parasitical rat bastard. Utterly American Tales Nice Try, No Cigar As a precaution, Judge Perry decided to forego a jury from the Orlando area. Instead, Judge Perry decided to use jurors from another Flori-DUH county, Pinellas County. A Pinellas County jury would, in theory, simplify jury selection and increase the probability of a fair trail. No harm, no foul? Nope. Bad: One of the prospective jurors, a woman, is - TA DA - a witness in the case. She worked for a firm that was involved in the search for Caylee Anthony Worse: The witness ran off at the mouth concerning the case and 'tainted' the group of 49 prospective jurors. Judge Perry went to Pinellas County for a jury, to avoid this kind of thing. I think he's got the right idea, but he didn't go far enough away for his jury pool. Given the notoriety of the case, the nearest place where he might find 12 impartial jurors is MARS. Old Glory Black Flagged In Flori-DUH That's right, PIGsters, some Code Enforcement Nazi goose-stepped into Linda's life and told her she was violating the city code. Unwilling to tolerate that crap, Linda aired out her side of the story during a Fox and Friends appearance:
Sensing a tidal wave of blowback headed the city's way, the city manager spewed this drivel:
Linda Downey chalks this up to Korrectness, but I'm not convinced. I think this is one of those 'because you let us' outbursts of petty tyranny. Name Games Our hero is a banquet waiter who has toiled at the legendary Waldorf-Astoria hotel since 1984. His name never posed a problem, until September 13, 2001, two days after the 9/11 Jihadikaze assault on America. On that day, he was given a new name tag, and instructed to wear it. Why? Unwilling to invite the drama induced by our hero's problematic first name, Waldorf-Astoria officials ordered Mohamed Kotbi to wear the tag that read "John". Shocked, "John" complied, for a while, then he complained to hotel management. Unwilling to tolerate "Mohamed", hotel managers told him, "We don't want to scare our guests." Twice - in 2005 and in 2009 - "John" ran whining to the feds at the EEOC. It took a while, but, eventually, "John" was replaced by "Kotbi". Happily ever after? Nope. In November 2010, the Waldorf-Astoria suits thrilled "Kotbi" with a new name tag. Goodbye "Kotbi", welcome back "John"? Nope. This time it was goodbye "Kotbi", hello "Edgar". "Edgar"? You bet, because, according to the Waldorf-Astoria suits, who have too much time on their hands, "It's better to be Edgar than Mohamed today." Happily every after for "Edgar"? Nope. Fast forward to the present and we learn that "John", "Kotbi", "Edgar" and Mohamad are taking the Waldorf-Astoria to court:
"Edgar"? I'd probably sue over that one, too. At minimum, the Waldorf-Astoria name gamers should promote our hero to 'Fred', or something utterly American, like "Billy-Bob". Parting shot: We the PIGs 'get it', when it comes to the name change, 2 days after 9/11. The event that aced this award, happened in November 2010, when, inexplicably, the Waldorf-Astoria suits perpetrated "Edgar". WFT? You better believe it, Sparky. Urban Myth, or Breaking News? Is this another urban myth, or is it proof that the Obama Regime is egregiously hypersensitive? We the PIGs favor Red Shed hypersensitivity, but we're willing to let you make your own call on this one. The one thing that's not disputed is this: on April 20th, the Pleasanton (Mexifornia) fishwrap - 'Pleasanton Weekly' - ran a story about a Red Shed conveyance, 'Marine One'. The story "Inside Marine One, President Obama's helicopter" was a puff piece about the scribbler's tour of the Red Shed copter. No harm, no foul? Perhaps. How, you ask, did this mundane fishwrap prose managed to register on the Red Shed radar? How indeed.
So what? So plenty, because, reportedly, someone from the Red Shed called the fishwrap and got the offending prose removed from the story. That, at least is/was the fishwrap's side of this little yarn. As expected, the Red Shed isn't thrilled spitless over a news item that makes the Obama Regime seem hypersensitive to a fault. Michelle Antoinette's press secretary, Katie Lelyveld, circled the wagons with this FLOTUS defending email prose:
Is the Red Shed so egregiously sensitive that they'll muscle a weekly fishwrap into changing a story about Marine One? Given the rampant narcissism of The One, I'm inclined to say 'yup'. Hair Incinerated Over Inky Fun Timisha Deloatch is a 16 year old wenchlet, who has already started her tattoo collection. The 16 year old Virginia wenchlet got started, when a skin illustration professional affixed granny's initials on Timisha's arm. She also had a tattoo artist give her a tramp stamp - the words "beautiful nightmare" on her lower back. Timisha's adventure in body decor hit a nasty speed bump, when she was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. That tidbit prompted mama Lovella, to put her foot down and decreed 'no more tattoos', a sensible decision, under the circumstances. Game, set, match? Not exactly.
When mama Lovella found out, she was not a happy camper. Given the inherent risks - infection, gangrene, eventual amputation of an infected limb - mama has every right to question the judgement of the art teacher who aided and abetted the classroom tattooing. At press time, Hampton City Schools officials where 'investigating' the incident, and expressing their dedication to provide a healthy, safe, and secure learning environment in their cess schools. Parting shot: Normally, I'd chalk this up to 'girls will be girls', but, letting some hormone gorilla tattoo a wenchlet in a classroom, during school hours is asinine. |
APRIL 2011 |
Obama Regime Flexes Muscles, Fires Pharmaceutical CEO As far as anyone knows, the founder and CEO of Forest Laboratories - Howard Solomon - isn't accused of any wrongdoing. In fact, the 83 year old leader of the pharmaceutical firm has an excellent reputation..That's one of the reason the thugs in the Obama Regime singled him out as the test subject for a new Obamunist scheme, wherein, The One and his minions fire the top executives at private firms doing business with Uncle Sam: The Wall Street Journal served up these infuriating tidbits:
I'm pleased to report that, for now, Forest Labs isn't knuckling under in the face of Obama Regime coercion. PIG confers kudos on the firm for their willingness to resist this Nanny State thuggery, which has no place in the land conceived in liberty. Finger Pointing For $$$ Mark Gold is a Flori-DUH shyster whose stock in trade is helping DUI asshats to avoid reaping what they sow. He's a dick, but he's an experienced dick, who has avoided getting what he so richly deserves for 56 years. His journey to Girlieman 'glory' got rolling when Mark made a memorable pitstop at a Miami area booty parlor named the Gold Rush club, where he managed to piss away $18,930 on adult beverage, lap dances, and assorted other Gold Rush services. When he sobered up, Mark, quite understandably, had a WTF moment. Afterwards, when the shock wore off, he looked for someone to blame. If you're thinking he laid it at the feet of the fool in the mirror, get over it. In true Girlieman style, Mark Gold blamed the Gold Rush club for his antics. True to form this weasel is suing the strip club:
For being a gutless wonder who can't/won't accept responsibility for his actions...for being a whining piece of crap, Mark Gold can take a 'victory' lap as the Politically Incorrect Gazette's Girlieman of the Week. Petty Union Tyranny This story proves, to our satisfaction, that nobody in Wisconsin is safe from petty, public employee union scumbag, tyranny. The unlikely recipient of petty tyranny from a union thug is a Sheboygan (Wisconsin) capitalist named Dick Hiers. In a rational world, his modest little pitstop, Northeast Standard, wouldn't even register on a public employee union scumbag radar. Unhappily, in 2011, thanks to rampaging union assholes, Wisconsin is no longer included in the designation 'rational world'. The petty tyranny started, while our capitalist was plying his trade and the answering machine - it had been left on from the prior night - recorded an incoming call. Our capitalist got a crash course in union thuggery, when he listened to the call:
Alarmed by the thinly veiled threat, Dick Hiers traced the call to - TA DA - the Sheboygan area district cess-school office. As expected, the cess-school administration made the requisite 'we're shocked' noises:
Dick Hiers must be pleased that the cess-school district officials took "appropriate disciplinary action". Unhappily, that sounds like cess-school administration gibberish which means, at most, the piece of union shit who made the call was told "if you must make threatening calls, get one of those prepaid - use it and lose it - terrorist phones." Telling Tales Out of School If you've never heard of NOM, don't feel like the lone ranger. NOM - National Organization for Marriage - is a VRWC group whose purpose in life is, as follows, according to this prose on their Internet site:
This week, NOM blundered onto the News Nitwit radar, due to an on-going whiz-a-thon between NOM and a former employee - Louis Marinelli - who went over to the dark side when he changed his mind on same-sex marriage. That, in and of itself, might elicit a brief mention in the news, but this pissing contest involves much more than that. Both parties agree that Louis signed a confidentiality agreement, when he became one of NOM's independent contractors. Both parties agree that Louis is posting a lot of NOM related information on his blog. NOM President Brian Brown and Louis differ on one key point. Brian Brown insists that Louis is violating his confidentiality agreement by posting all the NOM related material on his blog, a contention that he shared with Louis in at least two missives:
It sounds like big time fun, but it does lead to a question or two: * What made Louis Marinelli turn to the dark side? * Was it a moment of clarity that fundamentally altered his view on GLAAD BAAG nuptials? * Did he learn something about NOM's operation that made him switch sides in the GLAAD BAAG marriage war? * If they have Marinelli nailed on this confidentiality thing, why is NOM dithering? * What, exactly, does Marinelli know about NOM that NOM is hell bent to keep secret? Enquiring Minds? You better believe it, Sparky. Hecker's Veto Toll Taker Terry Jones is a lot of things, but gutless isn't on the list. For good or ill, this Koran torching Toll Taker had the guts to travel to an Islamikaze stronghold. On Good Friday, he planned to stand across from the Islamic Center in Dearbornistan and dispense his special brand of 'Islam really sucks' joy. Crazy? Perhaps. Suicidal? Perhaps. Cowardly? Nope. Toll Taker Terry's first header into Dearbornistan's gutless wonders happened at city hall, when the relevant paper pushers refused to give him a protest permit. From there, he was hustled into a courtroom, where a kangaroo courtroom farce repealed his freedom of speech, because his pleasantries might set off one of those ubiquitous Tolerance Tantrums, for which the Islamikazes are so infamous. Hot Air served up these pertinent particulars:
Dearbornistan officials let the Islamikaze mob's threat of violence overrule an individual's inalienable individual liberty. Instead of following the lead of Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and James Madison, Dearbornistan officials give homage to rampaging rage-a-holic, 7th century assholes who silence speech they don't want to hear. Karma's A Bitch Karmic debt finally reached critical mass for Crystal Mangum. Who is she? She's the woman who tried to destroy the lives of 3 Duke University lacrosse team players, in 2006, by falsely accusing them of raping her. It took some time for the truth to emerge on that obscenity, and when it did, it cost Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong his job, plus his law license. Crystal's first, small, payment against her Karmic debt occurred, in December, when she was tried for arson. When the trial ended, a jury of her peers convicted her of 'three counts of contributing to the abuse and neglect of minors, causing more than $200 in property damage to the car of the man who was Mangum's boyfriend and resisting a police officer', all of which are misdemeanors. She managed to elude a felony conviction for arson. This time around, the charge is much more serious. Answering a call for assistance, justice system officials arrived at a home where a 46 year old man had been stabbed with a kitchen knife. He survived long enough to get treatment at Duke University Hospital, but later died of his wounds. So what? The man was Crystal Mangum's boyfriend and she is accused of inflicting the fatal wounds. Stabbing is her preferred method, when it comes to conflict resolution, since the arson investigation discovered that she had threatened to stab the boyfriend, at that time. Why Do We Bother? If you think America's graybar hotels are the only place where the infamous 'revolving door' releases the scumbags as quickly as their caught, get over it. You'll be thrilled to learn that there's another, much more dangerous, revolving door in operation in Afghanistan. Under the prevailing rules of engagement, a Jihadikaze who is captured 'red handed' can only be detained for 96 hours, before the scumbag is released. A Washington Examiner news report included the fetid facts:
How bad is it? I'll let you be the judge. According to one warrior in the Stryker regiment, every insurgent captured during his deployment had been released. Why in the f**k are we over there, risking the lives of our warriors, when we impose these asinine rules of engagement? Politically correct warfare failed miserably in Vietnam, and it's failing miserably in Afghanistan. It's time for We the People to order OUR employees in Washington to knock it off. It Seemed like A Spiffy Idea The essential elements of this story are: a 20-year-old Tennessee desperado named Shane Cunningham, a pellet gun, an adult beverage emporium, a roll of duct tape. They all joined together to create big time fun at a Knoxville watering hole named Kat's on the River, at 2:38 a.m. Shane's caper started off well enough, when he strolled into the bar, brandished his firearm, then demanded a money infusion. While the bartender attended to robbery demand, Shane made a vivid impression on everyone, by wielding the gun in a threatening manner at two women. Suitably distracted, Shane, quite literally, never saw what hit him, when a male bar patron crept up behind the desperado and beaned him with the proverbial blunt object. When Shane went down, other patrons jumped him, then immobilized him with duct tape, a move which persuaded Shane to hang around, until the police arrived to bag, tag, and drag him to a local Graybar Hotel suite. Crime fighting duct tape? Is there anything this mult-faceted product can't do? Perpetual Jury Duty? If the 20-something Asian woman - identified only as Juror No. 799 - wanted to make an impression on Federal Judge who was seeking jurors for a death penalty trial of a crime boss named Vincent (Vinny Gorgeous) Basciano, she got the job done, and then some. If she intended that this attention would get her excused from jury duty, her plan didn't work out the way she envisioned it. The hilarity hit high gear, when the Judge, Nicholas Garaufis, got a look at our heroine's juror questionnaire. Beyond thrilled, the judge brandished the incriminating document, calling Juror 799 an outrage, after applying the some word 'outrage' to her answers which included these gems:
Although she was, quite rightly, not put on the jury, she wasn't released from jury duty either. Judge Garaufis vowed to have her keep coming back, day, after day, after day, until he's ready to release her. Reality's A Bitch The women who did a header into this inconvenient truth don't like it. The officials in their union don't like it. The NO NADS probably hate it. If the blowback gets annoying enough, even the capitalists running Resorts Casino Hotel (Atlantic City) will come to hate it. 'It', in this instance, is the inconvenient truth that long-time employees - women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s - who toil as coctail waitresses don't provide the 'eye candy' aura which attracts the sought after, younger clientele. In fact, when decked out in the gambling emporium's new flapper-style uniforms, at least 16 vintage waitresses were not exactly a sight for sore eyes. When confronted with that reality, a modeling agency hired to do the casino's bidding pink slipped the 16 vintage waitresses. The aftershocks are about what you'd expect. Bellowing "age discrimination" the relevant union officials filed a complaint with the New Jersey Division on Civil Rights. Smarting from the bad publicity, a spokeshole for the casino defended the 'fair and objective' way the screening/selection process for cocktail waitresses was handled. The spokehole tried to mitigate any damage by noting that the pink slipped cocktail waitresses would get preferential treatment for other job openings at the casino. Parting shot: In a rational world a capitalist has the right to set rules of hiring engagement for various jobs. In a rational world, a casino has the right to make 'eye candy' one of the hiring criteria, especially if the job in question is 'cocktail waitress'. In terminally Korrect America, the suits at Resorts Casino Hotel stepped in it, on this one. |
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MARCH 2011 A Flori-DUH Chainsaw Massacre? The critical element in this story of love on the rocks are: an estranged couple, the woman's new male companion, a Best Western hotel, a jealous hubby, a chainsaw. Are we all primed for some big time fun? I certainly hope so. The fun started, when a Flori-DOLT named Tim Brooks tracked his wayward bride to a Best Western hotel in Hernando County. Armed with a chainsaw, Tim thrilled the snot out of the night clerk, when he accosted him at 3 in the morning., demanding a list of hotel guests. Shaken, but not stirred, the clerk refused to cooperate. Unwilling to take 'no' for an answer, Tim stormed outside, then vented his rage on the clerk's ride, by smashing out the rear passenger window with his fist. Far from finished, Tim searched for his wayward bride and, eventually, he tracked her down to a room, where she was getting her muffin buttered by a new man. Still packing his chainsaw, Tim smashed into the room, by way of the window, which he obliterated. Once inside, he hammered his rival with his fists, until his punching bag called the Hernando County Sheriff's office for assistance. Unwilling to hang around for a chat with the cops, Tim beat a hasty retreat, pausing in the parking lot just long enough to smash some windows in the car owned by his wayward bride's new man. Tim's plan, whatever it was, didn't yield the desired results, because, instead of winning back his wayward bride, he earned guest of the county status in the Hernando County Graybar Hotel, on charges of: armed burglary, battery and three counts of criminal mischief. When last seen Tim was trying to find enough money to cover his $26,500 bail. Parting shot: Why bring a chainsaw when you never got around to using it. The American Way With the Spring floods due any time now, cities up and down the mighty Mississippi River are looking for helping hands to build sandbag barriers to keep the river where it belongs. It's a lot of hard work, so getting those volunteers has to be a challenge, unless you live in Davenport, Iowa. Davenport turned that hard work into a party, a Sandbagging Party in the city's RiverCenter. How? A live band, plus free eats and drinks inspired the volunteers who filled 18,000 sandbags on a single Sunday afternoon:
Only in America? You better believe it, Sparky. Right Man, Right Place Heroism isn't always flashy, or sensational. Sometimes it's a simple matter of the right person, in the right place, at the right time. That was certainly the case, when two cousins Cameron Reedy and Brittany Reedy had their Indianapolis home catch fire while they were sleeping. Luck was on their side, because at the critical moment, a firefighter just happened to be driving past their home and spotted the smoke coming from the home. Ever the professional, the firefighter interrupted the commute to work, to warn the Reedy cousins, giving them ample time to get out of harm's way. By the time the firefighter's cohorts arrived, flames were coming out of the roof of the home, but they had it doused in 20 minutes. The bad news is $50,000 damage to the house. The good news is that the Reedy cousins and their 3 canine companions are alive and well. This might be small scale heroism, to most people, but it's large scale heroism to the Reedy cousins who owe their lives to this passing firefighter. Hello Neighbor The Jihadikaze terror temple and victory shrine at Park 51 in the Big Apple is thisclose to getting a new neighbor. Their new neighbor is on the verge of signing a lease for the 1 million square foot, 20-floor office tower whose windows over look its smaller neighbor. So who is it that's moving in to watch over the Big Apple Jihadikazes? Who indeed.
I like the symbolism of a murdered Jewish girl towering over, keeping track of, the Big Apple Jihadikazes. I wonder if it will thrill these Titans of Tolerance spitless? Putting Some Light On the Subject The first thing you need to know about the impending demise of Thomas Alva Edison’s incandescent light bulb is this: this is one time when ‘Bush did it’ is too, too, true. In 2007, the new Demoncrat majority in congress passed a bill that drove a stake through the heart of the incandescent light bulb. It mandated that, by 2012, all 100 watt incandescent bulbs must be 30% more efficient. Like virtually everything else that landed on his desk, Bush 43 signed it, plunging a knife in to the incandescent bulb manufacturers from sea to shining sea. The good news is that a Mexas Congressman, Joe Barton (R-Tx), is spearheading a move to overturn the law that Bush 43 signed. The bad news just keeps on coming. For example, the last American incandescent bulb maker has shut down its American facilities and moved its lightbulb operation to China. Speaking of China, they also make virtually all of the new CFL light bulbs. Admittedly, the CFL bulb is more efficient, and, reputedly, it lasts a lot longer. It is not, however, without its flaws, very troubling flaws. Yes, it can last 6 to 10 times longer. BUT, if you drop it, you need to call - this is not hyperbole - a hazmat team to clean it up. Why? Because it contains mercury and that’s a highly toxic substance. In addition to its flaws, there’s the cost which is 6 times higher than the equivalent incandescent bulb. Will the pachyderm punks save Edison’s invention? Perhaps, but it’s a longshot. There’s one thing that’s not in doubt, no matter how this bill fares in Congress. No matter what the outcome, every lightbulb you buy, from now on, will be marked ‘made in China’. ‘My People’ & ‘HIS People’ In addition to running interference for those Melanin-Enriched individuals whom he calls ‘my people’, Eric Holder is also ready, willing, and eager to mount a spirited defense of a group I’ll call ‘HIS people’. ‘His’ in this context, denotes Messiah Barry, while ‘HIS people’ denotes Islamikazes whom he aids and abets, in their quest for world domination. Is Barry tired of his Food Nazi and looking for that celestial orgy with 72 virgins? It certainly looks that way to me, and it registered with Eric Holder, too. Eager to protect ‘HIS people’, Eric’s (In)Justice Department circled the Nanny State’s wagons around Safoorah Khan, a Chicago area cess-school teacher who is pissing and moaning, because the school district refused to give her 3 weeks off for a pilgrimage to Mecca. Instead of minding his own business, Eric Holder, in a blatantly political move, filed a federal lawsuit against the cess-school district, on behalf of this Mecca Maniac wench. Some are more equal than others is alive and well in Messiah Barry’s America. If that doesn’t give you chills, you’re in a coma, Orwell was an optimist, Sparky. Pistol Packin’ Hot Mama It started, when our heroine, Meghan Brown, responded to a knock on her door at 3 a.m. The moment she opened the door, she regretted it, because the unwanted visitor - 42-year-old Albert Hill - rushed into the house, grabbed Meghan, then hauled his struggling 110 pound victim to an upstairs bedroom. Alerted by the noise, Meghan’s fiancé, Robert Planthaber, woke up with a start and rushed to rescue his lady. He managed to drag Albert off Meghan, and took a beating for his trouble. While Robert fought with the would-be rapist, Meghan ran out to get her equalizer, a hot pink .38 special. Armed and pissed, Meghan ran back to settle the score with that bastard who tried to rape her. Meghan - she once reigned as Miss Tierra Verde 2009 - had another crowning moment. Racing into the bedroom, she unleashed a fusillade into Albert, sending him to the hell he deserves with bullets to the man’s chest, groin, back, and thigh. We the PIGs are thrilled to report that Albert was pronounced dead at the scene, a status which gives this terrifying tale a lovely ending befitting of a former beauty queen. Double-Parked In Maryland Our hero, 26-year-old Brian Head, had more on his agenda than he realized, when he hunkered down in a local watering hole to ingest some adult beverages. For example, once he was well and truly pickled, Brian got into a shouting match with another bar patron. The argument got rolling, literally, when Brian’s adversary left the bar. Unable to let it go, Brian jumped into his Ford F-250 and gave chase, but he catch up with his quarry. Instead, his road warrior adventure came to an abrupt halt, when an egregiously anti-social utility pole jumped out in front of his truck. Game, set, match? Nope. Shaken, but not stirred, Brian jammed his truck into reverse, then backed into the car that had pulled in behind him. When the dust settled, Brian’s ride was perched atop the hood of an unmarked police car driven by Sgt. Matthew Burns. Game over? You better believe it. In due course, Brian was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar where he got hit with these charges: reckless driving, negligent driving and two counts of second-degree assault. Smooth moves, road warrior Sparky. A Legend In His Own Mind Adam Yarbrough is a 22-year-old Hoosier who thinks he has the right stuff to be a successful gigolo. A gigolo? Seriously? We the PIGs are still waiting to struck dumb with awe, dude. Adam made a vivid impression on an Indianapolis Metropolitan police officer, when she spotted him swerving in and out of traffic, on the interstate, a few minutes before midnight, on a Sunday night. After the requisite exchange of pleasantries, Officer Christin Rudell tagged Adam for three driving infractions: driving his moped on the interstate, driving a moped faster than 25 mph, driving on a suspended license. The fun hit high gear, when she handed Adam the ticket. FYI: Here’s how Adam Emerilized three driving infractions into a felony: Step 1: He tried to bribe Officer Rudell, but he’s a cheap bastard so he offere her chump change: "How about we call it even and I give you five dollars and you just get rid of this ticket and let me go?" (Indy Star) Step 2: After she declined, he sweetened the deal, by dazzling her with some gigolo wannabe moves: "Okay, if you won't take the ticket, how about I give you a kiss? And, well, I haven't had sex in a while so how about we do that?" Step 3: When she bagged, tagged, and dragged Adam for bribery, he tried to impress her with sex-laden pleasantries. Step 4: After Adam struck out with the no nonsense police officer, he lost his cool and started swearing at her, a brainfart which earned him a disorderly conduct charge. Step 5: Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass ‘Go’. Whatever you do, do NOT tell the dudes on the cell block about the $5 bribe. That, PIGsters, is how you Emerilize garden variety traffic infractions into a felony bribery charge. You really DON’T want to try this at home. Mascot Melee In Minnesota By and large, Ivory Tower mascots are only mildly annoying. It usually involves a twerp with delusions of thespian grandeur who puts on an oversize outfit - a Spartan, a Tiger, etc. - then wanders around during a sporting event, trying to entertain the fans at a given sports event. The entertainment/humor is invariably juvenile. Pertinent Particular: At the University of Minnesota, the mascot is a roving menace named Goldy Gopher. During a recent men’s gymnastics meet, Goldy was perpetrating ‘lighthearted shenanigans’, when he tried to entertain the wrong spectator. After spreading his special brand of joy with assorted other spectators, Goldy sat behind Douglas Dokken, an ardent University of Minnesota fan who, apparently, didn’t appreciate Goldy’s antics. Antics? Goldy played the tired ‘tapping on the shoulder’ trick which makes the trickee look over the wrong shoulder. Did Goldy’s trick work? That depends on your definition of ‘work’. Goldy tapped once. No response. Goldy waited for a few minutes, then tapped again. No response. Then, while Goldy was limbering up for another go, Douglas Dokken whirled around and belted Goldy into the bleachers. Unwilling to leave the job half finished, Douglas Dokken stood over Goldy and hit the gopher again, just in case the mascot didn’t get the unambiguous ‘leave me the hell alone’ message. So who is Douglas Dokken? Who indeed. If you’re thinking that he’s some young punk with an attitude, get over it. Douglas Dokken is a 60 year old math professor at the University of St. Thomas. He’s also a marked man, who will need to do his rooting for the University of Minnesota from a distance, because he has been banished from the University of Minnesota’s Sports Pavilion and Williams Arena for a year. I’m sure that sucks, but Douglas will have his spirits lifted, when he finds out that he’s in the running for a Mascot punchout of the year award. It’s glass half full time at the University of St. Thomas, for Professor Dokken. Parting shot: By all reports, Goldy just happened to pick on the wrong dude, on the wrong day, because Douglas Dokken has a warm place in his heart for Goldy Gopher and the Ivory Tower he represents:
Smoke Nazi Insanity On Steroids Smoke Nazis in Richmond (Kin-TUCKY) are exhibiting alarming synaptic decay, after a couple centuries of inbreeding. They’ve already taken ‘second hand smoke’ junk science and stretched it to the breaking point, to justify their Draconian smoking ban. Happily ever after? You know better. They discovered, the hard way, a pesky bit of objective reality called Hambo’s Marketplace Theorem: For every asinine, intrusive, liberty infringing bureaucratic action, there is an equal, and opposite, liberty restoring marketplace reaction. In their case, the liberty restoring marketplace reaction is a terror of technology called the E-cigarette, an electronic ‘smoke’ that gives the user a nicotine ‘hit’, without giving off any ‘secondhand smoke’. Unwilling to let liberty and the marketplace defeat them, the Madison County Board of Health is ready, willing, and eager to add e-cigarettes to their smoking ban. How, you ask, do these Smoke Nazis justify it? They don’t even try. Instead of seeking some scientific proof that the electronic cigarette is a health risk, the Smoke Nazis within the Madison County Board of Health, demanded ironclad, unassailable proof - a level of proof they NEVER demanded when it came to secondhand smoke - that e-cigarettes are ‘safe’. Given the height of that bar, I doubt that anything would pass muster. "Air? We banned that, too, because nobody could present incontrovertible proof that it’s safe to breathe. Yes, the resulting deaths from asphyxiation were troubling, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Don't forget, we're doing this for their own good." Welcome to the Marxist People’s Republic of Madison County, Kin-TUCKY, PIGsters, where objective reality ends at the county line and everything, everyone, is judged guilty by default. This kind of happy horse shit as no f**king place in the United States of America. From Sea To Shining Sea Big Brother Was Watching Yasir got his first inkling about Big Brother, last October, when he had his oil changed. While working on Yasir’s ride, the car wrangler found a non-standard bit of electronics magnetically affixed to Yasir’s car, between his right rear wheel and an exhaust pipe. Neither Yasir nor the auto mechanic could I.D. the device so Yasir launched himself on an information quest in cyberspace. First, he had a friend photograph the gizmo. Then, he posted photos of it online and asked if anyone could identify it. Within two days, he got an answer to some of his questions, when federal agents wearing bullet-proof vests, intercepted him when he drove off on an errand, then demanded their property back. Fast forward to the present, and Afifi has teamed up with CAIR. With their help, he is suing the FBI for violating his civil rights, by attaching a GPS tracking device to his car. According to Afifi, he’s a harmless little fuzzball who was born in he USA. Why, then are the feds interested in him? Why indeed. * He travels to the Middle East frequently. * He supports two brothers who live in Egypt. * Hid father was an Islamikaze community leader, until his death last year. Does that add up to ‘terrorist’, nope, but it makes him a person of interest. For me, the smoking JIHADIKAZE gun is the fact that, when he wanted to sue the feds, he didn’t go to the ACLU, he went to the terrorist loving assholes at CAIR. That, for me, is all the reason I need to keep him under surveillance. Hang In There, Baby Step 1: The shouting match reached critical mass, prompting the husband, Christopher Michael Carroll to climb into the family minivan and drive away from their Manteca home. Step 2: Wifey poo chased after him, then tries to stop him by jumping onto the hood of the minivan. Step 3: With wifey poo hanging on for dear life, Christopher Carroll drove through Manteca, onto the freeway, then kept on going all the way to Pleasanton, 40 miles down the road. Step 4: Wifey poo was treated for hypothermia, while her hubby was bagged, tagged, and dragged to the San Joaquin County Graybar Hotel for - TA DA - attempted murder. Wifey poo, darlin’ what the hell were you thinking? FEBRUARY 2011
PIGish American Tales Don’t Try This At Home Armed with a heat producing WMD - a blowtorch, most likely - our homeowner heated up the pipes until the water started flowing again. Game, set, match? Mission accomplished? Not exactly. Yes, he managed to thaw out the pipes. BUT...in the process, he also managed to provide an ignition source for the fireworks he had stored in the basement of his home. With his pipe thawed out, the homeowner headed out the door, but he’d over looked, one pesky detail. Something else was heating up in the basement, and, after our do it yourself dude departed, the fireworks in the basement set off a LOUD explosion. It took the combined efforts of two dozen firemen from the Dorr Township Fire Department to douse the inferno. Nice moves, genius. Arresting Behavior Annoyed by the unwanted interruption, Jorelle announced, with noisy conviction, that he is, in fact, GOD. Unable to muster a celestial smiting in his drug-crazed state, Jorelle took matters into his own hands, by charging at the cops. When the usual ‘simmer down’ pleasantries didn’t elicit any ‘godly’ cooperation, the Colorado Springs cops introduced Jorelle to Mister Stun Gun. Unimpressed, Jorelle charged them, again, so the cops hit the rampaging legend in his own mind with another ‘listen up, Sparky’ shot from Mister Stun Gun. Once again, Jorelle shrugged it off, but, tired of playing the BZZZT game, he tried to run away. That’s when the forces of justice went Old School, by tackling this fool. It worked, eventually, but it took 4 officers to get ‘er done. Later, after Jorelle shed his pretensions of divinity, he let the cops in on the secret to his stun gun immunity: he’d been smoking mushrooms, a mind-bending drug that has effects similar to LSD. In a much more cooperative mood, Jorelle did his best to get the cops to take off his cuffs and share a bowl of the mind bending concoction with him. As expected, the cops turned down the heavenly offer to go ‘flying’ together then hauled Jorelle to the prison ward of a local hospital. That’s no way to treat a deity, Dan-o. Payback’s A Bitch Ground zero for this adventure is an eatery near Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. The restaurant’s owner and staff have struck a blow for every airline traveler from sea to shining sea, by putting TSA agents on a No Eat List:
Will this banishment ‘fly’ with the proper authorities? It has, so far, because the eatery’s staff says local police have already helped evict TSA workers who can’t take a hint from the establishment. How long with this TSA banishment last? "Until TSA agents start treating us with the respect and dignity that we deserve", according to one of the restaurant’s staff. When will that be? When Hell freezes over. Mom’s Tough Love A Flori-DUH hormone gorilla, James Holder, did a header into Zero Tolerance, but it didn’t happen at his cess-school. For 15 year old James, ‘it’ hit the proverbial rotating cooling device, when he had to tell his mother about his piss poor performance at school. Bad, is telling mom - Ronda Holder - that he has a GPA of 1.22. Hello Zero Tolerance hit him like a ton of bricks, when he told mom that he only did 4 questions before he bailed out of the FCAT (Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, or the FCAT, is the standardized test used in the primary and secondary public schools of Florida). After impounding her son’s cell phone didn’t get the job done, mom tried other forms of persuasion, but nothing made James get his ass in gear, educationally. Eventually, mamma Ronda decided to go old school, with public humiliation. In this case, public humiliation involves making James stand on a busy Tamp Bay street corner, wearing a sign that reads "I did four questions on my FCAT and said I wasn’t going to do it...GPA 1.22...honk if I need education." How can Ronda be certain, that James will stay on the corner? She stays nearby, so she can watch him. PIG salutes Ronda for her willingness to administer tough love. We the PIG believe that, one way or another, Ronda will motivate her son to take his brain out of neutral. Optical Illusion The fun started, when a Flori-DOLT - J. A. Hernandez - spent some quality time, on a Saturday night, in an Immokalee adult beverage emporium. During his elbow-bending festivities, our hero decided to pay special attention to a pair of hotties. At some point in the festivities, after chatting the hotties up and buying them drinks, our hero got an utterly PIGish reality check. I don’t know how he made his momentous discovery - this being a ‘family friendly’ publication per Porkus, I won’t speculate - but we do know that our hero had a memorable meltdown when he found out his two hotties were, in fact, dudes in drag. D’OH! After he started breaking bottles and going fist city with other patrons of the adult beverage emporium, our hero was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a Collier County graybar hotel, for ‘disorderly intoxication’ plus ‘carrying a concealed weapon’ (a fixed blade hunting knife with a 6-inch blade). File this epic under ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’ in your Gold Oinks archives. Utterly American Tales A Very Wrong Number My first instinct would be to box the damn thing up and return it to Lowe’s. After consulting the owner’s manual, Debbie decided to phone the 800 number that was touted as a help line. Was the person on the other end of the line helpful? That depends on what kind of help you wanted. The 800 number Debbie dialed is a sex line, which gave her an earful of explicit verbiage. As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because Debbie called them back 5 or 6 more times. Why? She needed that many sex chat encounters to convince her that the problem wasn’t ‘errant dialing’. It was, in fact, a typo that aimed her at a very wrong number. When Lowe’s got the thrilling news, they yanked the AquaSource toilets off the shelves and suspended sales while their vendor gets the problem solves. I’m shocked that a toilet manufacturer doesn’t have their shit together. Murdering Islamikaze Bastard Judged Guilty No doubt, CAIR - Council on American-Islamic Relations - will show up for the March 9, 2011 sentencing, to spout their usual drivel about Islamophobia railroading an ‘innocent’ man. If that fails, they’ll spew their demented, honor killing debunking, shit, because the last thing they want, or need is for We the People to understand that this vile murder is what you get, when you open the door and let Sharia slither into your life. Identity Theft With A Twist In the days that followed, the calls continued, until our fed up heroine contacted the police on July 19. She wanted them to find out who had stolen her identity and used it to set up shop on the lesbian dating site. The ensuing investigation followed the cyberspace breadcrumbs, until they found the culprit: a 51-year-old shyster named James O’Hare, who is ‘deputy director of the city’s [NYC] Administration for Children’s Services’. And what, you ask, does Jimmy have against our heroine? Nothing, apparently, because other than a being acquainted with him in college, our heroine has "no relationship whatsoever" with this clown. If they’re not that close, why did he pick on her? He probably thought her picture would get ‘er done, when he set up shop on the lesbian dating site. One bitter irony emerged during the investigation. Jimmy boy used his computer at the Administration for Children’s Services to chat up a 15-year-old wenchlet whom he encountered on the lesbian site. You’re a real piece of work, Jimmy boy. Great Northwest Nitwit Killjoys In theory, it’s as simple as cramming the coffee cutie into a bikini, then laugh all the way to the bank. In practice, the coffee capitalists keep seeking a competitive advantage, by tweaking the barista’s attire to show more skin. It’s a PIG-worthy strategy, and it seems to work, but there is that ‘other’ matter. The ‘other’ matter, in this context involves the proper authorities who have their own ideas about proper barista attire. For example, in Yakima, the justice system just banged down the gavel on the Dreamgirls Expresso stand, where the baristas attire featured "sheer shorts". According to one badge-packing killjoy, the sheer shorts didn’t leave enough of the barista’s butt to the customers’ imagination. Do The Math, Go To Jail? The bone of contention is a road destruction project which will widen a 1.3 mile stretch of a heavily traveled Raleigh (North Carolina) byway: Falls of Neuse Road. The city drew up its plans, blessed them, then got ready to get the job done. The battle was joined, after Raleigh denizen David Cox went over the street widening plan, and its implications, with his neighbors. When they finished looking at the city’s ideas, David and his neighbors pestered city and state officials about the need to add traffic signals at two critical intersections. Eventually, the city hired an engineering consultant to analyze the need for two traffic signals. In due course, the consultant turned in a report that sided with the original plans, which did not include traffic signals at the two intersections. Did David Cox and his neighbors back down? Nope. They kicked it up several notches and that’s when this story strayed into the Twilight Zone.
Was anyone impressed by this well-written report? You bet, but not the way you think. Kevin Lacy, chief traffic engineer for the North Carolina Department of Transportation (DOT), decided the report was too well written, so he contacted the N.C. Board of Examiners for Engineers and Surveyors. Why? He wants them to investigate David Cox for practicing engineering without a license.
And what, you ask, does the state licensing board think of this abuse of power by Kevin Lacy? It’s on the same page with that putrid pile of DOT shit, and seems annoyingly eager to hammer David Cox with the full force of the Nanny State:
These southern-fried bureaucrats are beneath contempt. It’s time to break out the pitchforks and torches, so North Carolina’s rational adults can drag them out of their cushy offices. These rat bastards need to be tarred, feathered, then NUKED out of the state’s misery. Only a job for life bureaucrat would try to make it a crime to be smarter than the state’s reality-insulated professionals. Devious Desperado Works The System When faced with a medical crisis, a 30 year old Cheesehead named Anthony Darwin needed someone to $ave him. He knew he needed cancer treatments, but he also knew he couldn’t afford them. Unable to wait for DeathCare to activate, Anthony searched for some other set of deep pockets to pay for his medical treatment. Eventually, he hatched a devious solution to his problem. The other unresolved issue in Anthony’s life involved the Rock County (Wisconsin) justice system. For six years, Anthony had been on the lam, because he didn’t have a suitable answer for a laundry list of pending charges: aggravated battery, bail jumping, battery, robbery with use of force, substantial battery and identity theft. Too clever by half, Anthony turned himself in on January 10, 2011, then shared the thrilling news of his urgent need for cancer treatment. That’s right, PIGsters, Anthony turned himself in so the taxpayers of Rock County could pay his medical bills. Did it work? Yes, and no. Yes: he received immediate treatment for his testicular cancer. No: Rock County’s sheriff didn’t want any part of Anthony’s medical bill, so he asked a court to order Anthony’s immediate release. The courts are still mulling this one. Anthony Darwin got his cancer treatment, but, it’s probably too late to save him, according to the relevant medical professionals. The prognosis for his ‘let them pay for it’ ploy is ‘guarded’, since, so far, no decision has been made on who gets the tab. Rock County’s sheriff might dodge this medical bill bullet, but the same can’t be said for Wisconsin’s taxpayers. The Devil You Say When former Baldwin County (Alabama) District Attorney David Whetstone cleaned out his office for the last time, in 2006, he inadvertently, left some items behind. This week, the current Baldwin County District Attorney, Hallie Dixon, found the aforementioned items tucked away in a storeroom. When some county minions looked in the boxes with Whetstone’s name on them, they found one PIG-worthy item: a wooden statue of the devil. What was David Whetstone doing with a devil statue in his office? We aren’t certain, but we do know that his sons found it on a field trip in the 1980s and, 30 years later, they want it back. According to Whetstone, the statue appeared to be cursed. It was, Whetstone believes, responsible for a spate of bad things that happened in his office, whenever someone came in contact with it:
Given all that, why would he keep the cursed thing in his office all that time? It’s Enquiring minds time, again, in the FSOP.
JANUARY 2011
Somebody Up There Is Dicking With Me If you’re a regular PIG reader, you’ve encountered Old Ka-Boom’s ‘fools and drunks exemption’, which saves the richly deserving from Darwinian deselection. There is, I recently discovered, another, under-reported, part of this celestial interference. In some special cases - Tampa (Flori-DUH) denizen John Agan is a prime example - Old Ka-Boom amuses himself, by subjecting John to ‘near misses’. We’ll call this Old Ka-Boom frivolity ‘Job [Old Testament, PIGster Sparky] Light’. John has suffered - some insist ‘claimed’ is more accurate - the following: * Four years ago: taxi driver John reported that he was robbed, pummeled, then stuffed into the trunk of his cab. * Three years ago: John arrived at the fire station with a butcher knife embedded in his chest. * Two years ago: John was in the hospital suffering from snake bites. He says he was bitten by two different snakes at the same time. * This week: John was leaning over a metal kitchen sink, talking on a cordless phone, during a major thunder storm. Old Ka-Boom went with his classic move and nailed his favorite target with a lightning bolt. As usual, John survived. Is John Agan the unluckiest dude on Earth? Has Old Ka-Boom singled him out for special attention? Or, is John Agan a publicity whoring liar who puts himself in harm’s way? I’ll let you make that call, PIGsters. Parting shot: If you live in Tampa, Flori-DUH, do yourself a favor. Don’t stray too close to John Again, a dude who might be ‘the unluckiest man on Earth’. Life of the Party If you’re a boob tube executive who is looking for a female employee that will make your channel’s 4th of July picnic and/or your annual Christmas party memorable, you’re in luck. Why? Because boob tube advertising executive, Randi Goldklank, is available, again. Again? You better believe it, life of the party Sparky. If you’re a Randi fan, you probably remember the high flying adventure that ended her tenure at a Boston station. During a flight, a relentless thirsty Randi got gunned to the gills on adult beverages, then had to be carried off the plane. Afterwards, she resigned, then moved to a much warmer part of the country: West Palm Beach, Flori-DUH. Her tenure at WPEC-Channel 12, in West Palm Beach ended, this month, after Randi strutted her stuff in The Office, a posh Delray Beach eatery. AOL News served up these randy Randi specifics:
The threat to put the cop on the boob tube is a nice touch, except for one pesky particular. For reasons the suits at WPEC won’t discuss, Randi is no longer employed by the station. They won’t discuss it? So be it. I don’t think anyone needs their help, when it comes to connecting these ‘we fired the drunken slut’ dots. Rustic Retard Adventure Update This week We the PIGs heard from a gentleman named Matt H. He sent us an update on a story we posted in March 2010. Before we get to his update, here’s the story in question from the Only in America section of our News Digest archives: A Rustic Retard Adventure A pair of Green Garden Township (Illinois) - Matt Eastman and Nick Bastian - were terminally bored, so they armed themselves with a .45-caliber handgun and a .22-caliber rifle, then hit the road in search of adventure. They roamed the Illinois by-ways, until they found what they needed, an abandoned farmhouse which was begging for a new set of bullet holes. After unleashing their rustic retard fusillade at the farmhouse, our heroes moved on down the road in search of another target. When they found it, they stopped their ride, so they could unleash another hail of bullets. Did they hit their target? The answer is ‘yes’, if you define ‘their target’ a Matt’s hand. That’s right PIGsters, this clown shot himself in the hand. Thanks to their antics, these 20-year-old rustics are headed for another classic retard adventure, a justice system encounter:
This puts a whole new spin on the phrase, getting a ‘hand job’. Update: Matt H. Wrote: To: pig@pigazette.com I don't know if you recall the article about the two guys from green garden who shot up the abandoned house then one shot himself. The article was on March 25, 2010. Anyway I'm friends with them and we were talking about this with some people and showed them the article and I thought, "Maybe this guy would be interested in the rest of the story." Matt Eastman and Nick Bastian spent 1 day in jail, had 2 court appearances and got off with nothing. Basically Will County Sheriffs are morons and don't read people their rights, don't know how to gather evidence, arrest people for things they didn't do like use of explosive bullets and illegal use of a bludgeon or knife (where the hell are we gonna get explosive bullets in Illinois?) and try to make people sign blank statements while under heavy doses of morphine. At court the charges were for Matt: reckless endangerment of Nick Bastian. For Nick: reckless endangerment of Matt Eastman. The prosecutor said it was stupid when she looked through the case according to Nick's lawyer. As for the hand, surgery and physical therapy and he's got full function in all fingers and a nice little scar. So that's how it'll all went down. Even the owner of the farmhouse didn't care because it was abandoned. He just asked that they never step foot on his property again. My Reply: I'm pleased that your friends emerged unscathed. Reckless endangerment...of each other? That's asinine. I anticipated 'vandalism', or one of those 'you shot a firearm in public place' bullshit charges. How far does the Will County Sheriff have his, her,hisher, or its head shoved up his ass? I'm delighted to learn that a small scar is the only lasting result of Matt Eastman's Rustic Retard Adventure with his friend Nick Bastian. On behalf of the Free State of PIG, I thank them for the PIGish entertainment their story gave our readers. They will be pleased/bummed to learn that their adventure, as entertaining as it was, wasn't demented enough for our Year Ending Awards. Again, I thank you for the update. It's a timely reminder that I never did write a rant about the many rustic retard adventures perpetrated by the hairy, adult beverage guzzling, primates who hang from the branches of my family tree. Close Call In Spokane A scant 30 minutes before the start of Spokane’s MLK Day parade, some minions, who were hired to work on the march, spotted a backpack sitting on a metal bench which is right up against a brick wall. Deeming it suspicious, they notified the police, then redirected the parade route away from that location. Their quick thinking prevented a potential disaster, since the backpack contained a bomb which is triggered by remote control. So far, it’s impossible to determine who deployed the bomb, but it’s a slam dunk that it’s not the work of an amateur. The location was well chosen, since the wall and the steel bench would deflect the blast from the explosives toward the street and its parade participants. Given the location, and size, of the bomb, it could have killed hundreds of people. The FBI seems to think that the bomb is the handiwork of one of the 15 hate groups (Aryan Nations, and other white supremacist groups) that operate inside Washington State. I get that, but I would also look at other likely suspects. For example, a Jihadikaze group might use a bomb at a MLK parade to start a race war inside the Great Satan, making that possibility worth exploring. His All Purpose Solution Stephen Forthman is a man who wears his ‘in case of emergency’ rules of engagement on a t-shirt which reads "I don’t dial 911" and shows the image of a hand gripping a six shooter. That’s right, PIGsters, when life throws this North Knoxville denizen a curve ball, he reaches for his gun and shoots at the problem until it goes away. I know what you’re thinking and you’re right. A firearm isn’t always the best countermeasure for a problem. It might not be suited to the task, but suited or not, our hero is hard wired for his all purpose solution. For example, in 2004, when Stephen had severe chest pains, he reached for Old Betsy and tried to shoot himself in the chest. His all purpose solution was thwarted by Stephen’s brother-in-law, who wrestled the weapon away from our hero then called for an ambulance. This week, Stephen tried his all purpose solution on - I am NOT making this up - a fire which threatened to consume his home.
I’m sure we can all agree that trying to shoot a fire into submission is NUTS. Nuts or not, Stephen refused to stop shooting at the inferno, until the police arrived to disarm, then cuff him. Thanks to his antics, his two-story home is gutted. You can say what you want about him. I'll simply state that he’s the gift who keeps on giving. Parting shot: About that chest pain incident...I’m compelled to point out that shooting himself in the chest isn’t a fatally flawed strategy, if someone is willing to accept death as a viable pain-stopping solution. Sheriff Dipshit Sheriff Dupnik (henceforth Sheriff Dipshit) needs to STFU. He needs to find a way to do his f-ing job without flapping his Moonbat gums about vitriolic radio hosts, in general, and Rush Limbaugh, in particular. All he is doing is giving Jared Loughner’s defense time all the excuses they’ll need to get this murdering bastard acquitted. While Sheriff Dipshit is busy vilifying Rush, Sarah Palin and other conservatives as ‘vitriolic’, those relentlessly civil Moonbats in his jurisdiction are showing him real vitriol, by phoning in death threats to Tucson Tea Party Leader Trent Humphries. Sheriff Dipshit ‘resolved’ the issue by telling Trent Humphries not to attend the memorial for Tucson Massacre victims, because it wouldn’t be safe. That’s right, while Sheriff Dipshit whips up Moonbats into a rage with his loose lips, Trent Humphries is a virtual prisoner in his own home. It’s time for Sheriff Dipshit to ask that yammering fool in the mirror why he never found the time to deal with Jared, who registered on the sheriff’s radar long before the shootings. It’s time for Sheriff Dipshit to act like a law enforcement officer, instead of a paid political strategist for Messiah Barry and the Libertard Moonbats. It’s time for Sheriff Dipshit to face the unambiguous fact that Sarah Palin didn’t pull the trigger. Rush Limbaugh didn’t pull the trigger. Glenn Beck didn’t pull the trigger. Fox News Channel didn’t pull the trigger. Jared Loughner pulled the trigger all by himself, because he’s NUTS! If Sheriff Dipshit keeps this political hack crap up, he needs to be flushed out of his job, and replaced by a lawman, a real, no bull, crap lawman. A Real Snow Job They crawl out from under their rocks, every time Old Man Winter hits Bean Town with his best shot. Officially, they’re the Boston Code Enforcement Police, but this is PIG so we’re calling them Boston’s Snow Nazis. Goose stepping up and down the city’s streets, they seek out locals who violate the city’s snow-related ordinance: * Boston denizens must clear a 42-inch wide path through the snow on their patch of sidewalk. Failure to comply will cost you, at least, $200. * When you clear away that snow, you must be careful how and where you dispose of it. If you dump it ‘illegally’ - in a recently cleared city street, it will cost you at least $200. Why are they being such dicks about it? Because they can, AND, to ward off lawsuits over snow-induced injuries. Busted In Bradenton The fun started, when Troy Sandifar strolled into the First Bank in Bradenton (Flori-DUH) with robbery on his mind. The robbery part went as planned, but his post-caper escape proved to be much more thrilling than he expected. Nonetheless, despite the intervention of a SWAT team plus a K-9 unit, Troy managed to elude capture. Game, set, match? Nope. Later, on the evening of the robbery, the police released security footage showing Troy’s antics inside the bank. If the cops hoped that someone would recognize Troy and rat him out, they got their wish. A woman named Afra Sandifar recognized the pony-tailed man with the scruffy beard instantly, so she did her civic duty, despite the fact that Troy Sandifar is her husband. Troy tried to escape capture, for a second time, but this time he didn’t get the job done. He did his best to delay that magic ‘bagged, tagged, and dragged’ moment, by refusing to get out of his car, for all the good it did him. Eventually, Troy tried to ease the pain of that book ‘em, Dano infamy, by ingesting some rock cocaine, but that didn’t work either. I don’t think ‘happily ever after’ is still in play, for Troy and Afra and I wouldn’t bet the farm on ‘domestic tranquility’, either. Everyone’s A Critic While awaiting his day in court on a drug charge, Dario Scott was a guest in the Lancaster County (Nebraska) graybar. Everything was going swimmingly, until the inn keepers inflicted a meal which shocked him, physically and emotionally. How? Those heartless bastards served him a sausage and cheese scrambler. So what? So plenty. You see, despite his human sounding name, Dario is - TA DA - a Mecca Maniac and that means - ask me if I give a damn - pork is a no-no. Outraged, Dario filed a written complaint, got lawyered up, then sued the relevant culinary terrorists for $250,000. Did he get what he deserved? Yes, and no. Yes: He was convicted on the drug charge and was sent up the river to the big house for 3 to 5 years. No: The black robe dismissed his lawsuit, because Dario didn’t jump through the requisite hoops when he filed his lawsuit. Unfortunately, the judge left the door open, allowing Dario to file the lawsuit again. Dario, dude, one meal that oinks isn’t the end of the world. It’s time to get over it and get on with your life. A Greeniac Dials Down The Alarmism Our featured ‘player’, Angelicque "Angel" White, is an Egghead - an assistant professor at Oregon State University - who made a splash, when she dialed down the alarmist rhetoric that’s part and parcel of any discussion of ‘the Great Pacific Garbage Patch’. If you’re drawing a blank on this greeniac whopper, I’ll jog your memory: it’s the pile of floating plastic, and other debris, which is, the greeniac hooligans insist, "the size of Texas", perhaps much larger. There’s just one pesky problem with this alarmist rant, according to Angelicque White. The Pacific Garbage Patch is not as "Great" as the alarmists insist:
Angelicque White opines that there’s too much plastic in the ocean. She also opines that the alarmist hyperventilating by greeniac hooligans does more harm than good, because it makes We the People distrust lab coated hooligans. She’s right, of course, and I salute her for her rational assessment. Parting shot: If Angelicque White keeps serving up these reality checks, the Ivory Tower ‘suits’ will pin a ‘rational adult’ label on her. Watch your back, Angelique. DECEMBER 2010
DMV Gets It Right At minimum, I am compelled to second guess the Mexifornia head shrinkers who kicked Jermaine Grosse loose after giving him a psychiatric evaluation. It’s possible that they overlooked a thing or two, based on what happened after Jermaine’s release. Basking in the warm glow of ‘you’re not clinically bonkers’, Jermaine celebrated his mental health, by stealing a car. So what? So it was a taxi. Jermaine separated the driver from the cab, by asking the driver to help a woman - she was sharing the cab with our hero - with her luggage. With the driver out of the way, Jermaine got behind the wheel of the minivan, then drove off with it. If you’re thinking ‘that’s not crazy’, I agree. Jermaine’s next move puts bonkers back in play. He went to the DMV and tried to register his stolen ride. That’s where this adventure took an improbable turn. Defying daunting - it’s never going to happen - odds, Jermaine rolled snake eyes, by getting that endangered species, an alert, dedicated, minion of the DMV. After deducing that the paperwork was bogus, the DMV worker summoned the proper authorities, who promptly bagged, tagged, and dragged Jermaine to a graybar suite. Another HOA Pissing Contest It’s not breaking news, when a homeowner gets into a pissing contest with his Home Owners Association. It’s still not breaking news, when the bone of contention is a bit of holiday decor, which the homeowner deployed in his front yard. It’s marginally pertinent that the disputed bit of decor is a small blue sign which invokes the Cross Dude: "Happy Birthday Jesus, Come Let Us Adore Him". Donald Henderson probably thought he was home free, since the sign had been out for 3 weeks and the HOA asshats - New Bristow Village’s management company, Community Management Corp - hadn’t come calling on him. That changed on Christmas Eve, when he got a missive from the aforementioned Grinches, which informed Donald that his sign violated the HOA rules of engagement: only real estate and security signs can be deployed. He had 15 days to comply with their 'remove it' order. Donald responded to these Virginia-based Grinches with a ‘bite me’. He announced that the sign would stay deployed, until January 1, 2011, when all his Christmas decor comes down. Donald finds the HOA asshats’ attitude infuriating, because his home is one of several foreclosed homes in the Virginia Beach development. After shelling out $390,000 for the house, he spent thousand$ more to bring his once neglected property into compliance with the community’s rules of engagement. In addition to fixing his home, he replaced a bulb in a sidewalk lamppost, and he goes on a weekly walk along a major thoroughfare in the development, picking up litter. For that, Donald thinks he deserves a bit more respect. I understand Donald’s point, and I agree that the HOA punks are complete assholes. I get THAT, but I’m compelled to remind Donald that he signed off on the New Bristow Village rules of engagement, including the one that says ‘no signs’. You volunteered for this HOA circle of hell, Donald, so don’t whine about getting extra crispy in it. Repulsed By Demoncrat Socialism There’s something stirring in the "red borough", a predominantly Ruskie enclave on Staten Island. A revolution of sorts is brewing and it’s one that thrills the Demoncrat Moonbats spitless. Repulsed by the Demoncrat Party’s highly publicized stampede into unmitigated Socialism, these "red borough" dwelling Ruskie immigrants are dumping the Demoncrat party like a bad habit and going over to the Elephant Clan, instead. Is it enough to change the Empire State’s political landscape? Probably not, but every political tidal wave starts small. The SI Live cyberspace speed bump reports these pertinent particulars:
When it comes to Socialism, those individuals who lived under it then escaped know, first hand, how vile it is. I don't blame them for wanting nothing to do with a political clan that's promoting it here. A PIGish Sign Knots Knickers Despite the fact that he’s an Elected Tormentor - he’s on the Dakota City (Nebraska) city council - Bob Lane seems to be our kind of guy. Are we going soft? Not exactly, but we do confess that we have a soft spot for someone who has a PIGish flair when it comes to his freedom of speech exercises. The forum for Bob’s periodic freedom of speech forays is the sign he deployed near a rental unit that he owns in this wide spot (population 1,827) on a Nebraska road. For more than a week, in the days leading up to Christmas, Bob’s message was a properly-PIGish one: "Never Trust a Man Named Mohamed". The sign wadded panties around town, but Bob left it in place until the Monday before Christmas, when ditched Mohamed then deployed a tis the season class message. As fun as Bob’s freedom of speech exercise was, on his sign, our man of the moment is even better in person, a talent he demonstrated, when this fishwrap asked him some WTF class questions about his Mohamed message: "It is freedom of speech. Whenever we have a problem in the nation, the first name, the middle name or the last name is often Mohamed." Around town, Bob Lane fans and foes are wondering if our sign wrangler has a specific Mohamed in mind, perhaps one of the East African Islamikazes who work at a local Tyson Foods packing plant. While that’s still in play, We the PIGs think Bob was painting a rhetorical bull’s-eye on the rage-a-holic Islamikazes around the world who are named after the Mecca Maniac prophet. The Free State of PIG salutes Bob Lane for his on going freedom of speech exercises. Wang-A-Rific Hoosier Fun When Mother Nature unleashed Old Man Winter on Lafayette (Indiana), the snowfall inspired the artist lurking inside one (perhaps more) town resident. Unable to resist that call to artistic glory, a Hoosier artist(s) thrilled neighbors with not one, but two, snow sculptures. Our artist(s) soon learned that, when it comes to art, people are very hard to please. You’ll be shocked to learn that some of our artist’s neighbors weren’t thrilled spitless, when they spotted two snow sculptures of ‘male genitalia’ on a nieghbor’s front lawn. Invoking ‘the children’, several neighborhood art critics insisted that our artist(s) knock it the hell off. When that failed, at least one neighbor called the cops, but that didn’t get the job done either, because the cops came, they looked, they laughed, then they left. Feeling his, her,hisher or its oats, our artist(s) greeted a local boob tube outlet’s news crew with a one-finger salute. Game, set, match? Nope. Eventually, the Nanny State Philistines applied some additional heat, enough heat to weaken the resolve of our artist(s). The tidbit that turned the tide is one that the cop who responded to the initial complaint should have known:
This noxious, Nanny State, nitwitdom paints a justice system bull’s-eye on "statues or other figures" which are deemed ‘obscene’ by the usual killjoys in positions of authority. When the badge packers hit our artist(s) with that tidbit, the artist(s), reluctantly, desecrated their artistry, inflicting a painful wound on the Hoosier art community. The Philistines won, but that’s okay, the usual suspects insist, because they did it ‘for the children’. Second Amendment Hero This true crime drama started the moment a desperado burst into a Houston (Mexas) jewelry store, declaring "This is a robbery." Instantly, he was joined by two ‘customers’ - his cohorts - who were already in the store. All three men pulled out handguns, then proceeded to tie up the store owner’s wife and take her into a back room. When the men started to tie up the owner, he sprang a deadly surprise on them, by pulling a handgun from his waistband and forcibly expelling one of the robbers from the human gene pool, with a well-aimed shot. On a roll, the store owner fetched a shotgun and forcibly expelled the remaining robbers from the human gene pool, as well. During the gunfight, our hero was wounded in the stomach, but his wound isn’t life threatening. Out numbered 3 to 1, and at a distinct disadvantage, he exercised his 2nd Amendment rights admirably, taking one round for the team, while evicting 3 armed robbers from humanity’s misery. Nice shooting, 2nd Amendment Sparky. Humor Challenged In Louisiana We the PIGs are willing to overlook the fact that Tammy Crain-Waldrop toils as a researcher for the Louisiana State Senate. Are we going soft? Not necessarily, because the antics which got Tammy suspended from her job without pay, prove that she’s our kind of gal. Tammy confirmed her ‘PIGgal’ status, when she sent out an e-mail about The One, to hundreds of government minions. The message is one that has been circulating through cyberspace for a while:
Tammy claims the message is a mistake, and We the PIGs tend to believe her, because she’s not the first person who accidentally sent a private e-mail to everyone in her address book. Unfortunately ‘oops, my bad’ won’t cut it, when Tammy returns on January 3, 2011, because, in addition to her banishment, she needs to navigate the usual mea culpa obstacle course. She must send a written apology to Senate and House staff. She also needs to send an apology to lawmakers. Finally, Tammy has been condemned to that vile circle of Korrectnik hell, diversity training. Sorry darlin’, all we can do is give you our moral support, plus our promise that you’re always a welcome visitor to the Free State of PIG. Hmm. I wonder how long they’d suspend you if they caught you reading PIG on your office computer? The Great Festivus Caper Malcolm King, a guest in the Orange County (Mexiforna) graybar, had unresolved ‘issues’ with the graybar’s cuisine. In addition to being monotonous, the steady diet of salami sandwiches was doing a number on his girlish figure. He wanted, needed, a change. All he required was the proper excuse to get it past his innkeepers. Malcolm found what he needed in a classic ‘Seinfeld’ episode: Festivus, a fictitious flavor of supernaturalism that’s the brainchild of the show’s writers. Did his ploy work? You bet, because in record time, after a court appearance in front of a clueless judge, he said ‘goodbye’ to salami and ‘hello’ to double helpings of kosher meals. The court order stayed in effect for two months, until someone associated with the Orange County graybar smelled a rat, gathered the relevant proof, then used it to dislodge the judge’s head from his butt. As soon as the judge’s order was rescinded, Malcolm said ‘goodbye’ to kosher meals and got reacquainted with those salami sandwiches. Life is just one damn thing after another. Wherefore Art Thou Romeo? Miguel Lua is an idiot. He’s also a dude who can’t, won’t is more precise, take ‘no’ for an answer. He rejected ‘no’, when his girlfriend dumped him like a bad habit. When his ‘won’t take no for an answer’ antics reached critical mass, last month, his ex-girlfriend added an exclamation point to her ‘no!’, by getting a restraining order against this lovesick loser. Game, set, match? Nope. The focus of Miguel's romantic obsession - we’ll call her Juliet - got suspicious, after a series of inexplicable, troubling, events. When she woke up on Sunday morning, her cell phone wasn’t on the charger where she left it when she hit the rack. Equally troubling, her digital camera went missing at the same time, but it turned up on the seat of her car where she knew she hadn’t left it. Returning home around 8 p.m., our puzzled heroine got a nasty shock, the instant that she spotted some debris on her carpet, under the attic access. If that didn’t scare her, the noise coming from the attic certainly did. Suitably alarmed, she called the cops. If you’ve been paying attention, you know who the cops found CAMPING in his ex-girlfriend’s attic. That’s right, our relentless Romeo, Miguel Lua, had moved in so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. When questioned, he admitted taking her cell phone and camera to search for proof that his ex-girlfriend was ‘cheating’ on him with other men. Wherefore art thou Romeo, now that you’ve been evicted from your Juliet’s attic? Our 27 year old Romeo is in the local graybar, trying to talk his way out of a nifty list of charges: stalking, violating a court order, obstructing a police officer, burglary. L. Ron Snowjob On Stage The fun fact you need to know is this: the American Stage Theater is located less than a city block from St. Petersburg’s (Flori-DUH) Scientology building. That’s where some Flori-DUH thespians are seeking the answer to a hotly debated question: do Scientologists have a sense of humor? The name of this humor measuring endeavor is compelling, in and of itself: "A Very Merry Unauthorized Children's Scientology Pageant". The musical satire’s central character is Scientology founder, L. Ron Snowjob, uh, Hubbard. It follows him from the inception of his quasi-religious brainfart to its fruition as a cult. Targeting notable cult members like John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and Kristie Alley, the play mines a rich, virtually inexhaustible, source of side-splitting humor: L. Ron Snowjob’s scribblings and church literature. How, you ask, did L. Ron’s victims, uh, cult members, do on the humor test? When some of them showed up for the test, they failed spectacularly:
It’s disappointing, but not unexpected. Given the scientologists steadfast refusal to let South Park give them a sense of humor, these preliminary results didn’t leave We the PIGs gobsmacked. Parting shot: If this play sounds like your idea of a good time, I have thrilling news for you. The production in St. Petersburg is just one of 20 production companies that are sharing this fun from sea to shining sea. Kilting Around In Virginia This nads airing epic reached critical mass during the 40th annual Scottish Christmas Walk in Alexandria (Virginia). If you never heard of this event, don’t worry about it, because the event itself isn’t the focal point of this award rant. The only thing that matters is the fun fact that a mob of kilt-wearing Scotsmen gathered for this event, last Saturday. It’s what’s under that kilt - or what isn’t under it - that is eliciting a heart felt shudder from some attendees with a low pain threshold. They know that Scottish pride dictates that a real Highlander "goes regimental" - in Yank terms it translates as ‘going commando’ or letting it all hang out. It’s a source of Scottish pride, but don’t ask me why. This year, ‘going regimental’ hit a speed bump when, sometime in November, the Scottish Tartans Authority sounded off on the matter, decreeing the nads airing practice "unhygienic" and "offensive". So what? So plenty, because this is the ‘governing body that sets the world standard for Highland dress’. You don’t need a quatrain from Nostradamus to predict that old school Scotsmen aren’t thrilled spitless about this ‘wear your skivvies’ edict. Will they conform? I don’t know and will NOT do my own checking. If, however, you decide to conduct a skivvies check, have your family let me know where to send the flowers for your funeral. Going regimental? That’s way too much information, because it’s boldly going where I don’t want, or need, to go. Barry In The Bull’s-Eye Since he’s a vintage, white male from South Carolina, and he wants to use Barry for target practice, Michael Bowden appears, on paper, to be everything the MSM accuses all of The One’s opponents to be. The southern-fried racist canard is still in play, but it doesn’t seem to be a perfect fit, in Bowden’s case. Yes, he said he wants to shoot Barry "for what he has done to this country". HOWEVER, Bowden told his nurse, during a routine pit stop at the Spartanburg (South Carolina) Veterans Administration clinic, that he "was thinking of traveling to Washington, DC, to shoot the President (Obama) because he is not doing enough to help African Americans". Hmm. "Not doing enough to help African Americans"? That doesn’t sound like a sheets and hood racist to me. It would be easy to pin an ‘old coot shooting off his mouth’ label on 77-year-old Michael Bowden, if it wasn’t for that ‘other’ matter. The ‘other’ matter in this instance involves Michael Bowden’s impressive arsenal:
Furthermore, Michael Bowden perpetrated a sworn statement, in writing, which restate the fact that he’s ready, willing, and able to forcibly evict Barry from the human gene pool.
Michael Bowden sounds deadly serious to me. Flagged In Tumwater The magic moment happened during a high school football game in the Great Northwest Nitwit heartland - Washington. A running back for Tumwater High School, Ronnie Hastie, hovered at the edge of the VRWC news cycle spotlight, when he scored a touchdown against East Valley High School. Ronnie Hastie made the news cycle cut, the moment that he dropped to one knee, then pointed heavenward to pay homage to his deity. No harm, no foul? No harm, but there was definitely a ‘foul’, because the referee hit Ronnie with flag, nailing him for a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for his piety. Apparently, the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association deems such things, ‘calling attention to oneself’. It’s the Great Northwest Nitwit variant of the ‘end zone celebrations’ ban, which, in many instances are flagged as a ‘delay of game’. I get the fact that Ronnie wanted to honor his deity, whom he credits for making him suitably nimble and strong. I don’t have a problem with him paying homage, either. In my opinion, the primary reason the Great Northwest Nitwit referee flagged Ronnie is because he payed homage to the WRONG deity. If he’d made his gesture toward The One’s abode on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, the referee wouldn’t hit him with a penalty, but would have given Ronnie’s team two-point conversion, bonus, without making Tumwater run the play. Is this ban on ‘calling attention to oneself’ asinine? You bet, but, since it’s in the prevailing rules of engagement, Ronnie will need to find another way to get ‘er done. Weed Wrangling in Colorado Colorado’s bureaucrats have unresolved issues with the state’s medical marijuana. They’re coping nicely with the fact that prescription weed exists. What’s giving them fits is the fun fact that state regulators haven’t found a way to make medicinal weed purveyors miserable. That just won’t do. Why, what if other products/industries get wind of it and want the bureaucrats to butt out of their business too? It would be horrible...unthinkable. What if - GASP - liberty reared its head?
I have an idea that will resolve all these issues. Why not stay the hell out of it and allow the marketplace to resolve these, and other, issues? Admittedly, it allows liberty to stroll through the door, but I suspect that Colorado officials will learn to cope.
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Copyright 1993-2012 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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The 'take no prisoners', American, sense of humor is alive and well in Aberdeen, Washington. It made a pitstop at the Loggers Playday festival, when some wit unleashed the Osama Bin Loggin t-shirt, on eager consumers who could own one for a mere $15. |
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NEWS INDEX • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ONLY IN AMERIKA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BEYOND AMERIKA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • VICTIM - 'HOOD • • • • • • • • • • • • • • EDUCRAP • • • • • • • • • • • • • • KULTURE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • NANNY STATE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • DUMB CRIMINALS FLAT-LINERS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ONLY IN MEXIFORNIA HOLY ROLLERS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • COMMENTARY • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ODDS AND ENDS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CLASSICS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ARCHIVES • • • • • • • • • • • • • • |
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NEWS LINKS / SITES |
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FOX NEWS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ANANOVA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FREE REPUBLIC • • • • • • • • • • • • • • WORLDNETDAILY • • • • • • • • • • • • • • NEWSMAX • • • • • • • • • • • • • • DRUDGE REPORT • • • • • • • • • • • • • • NY POST • • • • • • • • • • • • • • O.C. REGISTER • • • • • • • • • • • • • • SAN ANTONIO LIGHTNING • • • • • • • • • • • • • • REUTERS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BLOOMBERG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BBC.UK • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BOSTON GLOBE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • WASHINGTON TMES • • • • • • • • • • • • • • SACRAMENTO BEE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • |
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• FRIENDS OF PIG • |
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 If you're ever in Tempe, AZ, and experiencing hunger pangs, and just have to have something hot, fresh and juicy, check yourself into: The Heart Attack Grill Tell 'Em PIG Sent You! |
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