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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
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DECEMBER 2005
Fark Teasers of the Week Source: Fark Internet Site "PETA staffer legally changes name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com. NeverGettingLaidAgain.com was apparently taken." [12/30] "Woman, 103, to see first Packers game. Will probably see some action at running back in second half." [12/30] "Oprah's plane grounded after hero bird flings itself into windshield during takeoff. Oprah planning "The birds are now our enemies" show next week". [12/27] "Mother of All Bombs" creator dead at 67. Which is odd, since Kevin Costner is only 50. [12/26] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Monday The plan: Boost a pizza deliveryman's ride. The plan: Boost some copper wire from a electrical substation. Tuesday All things considered, the ACLU is an inspired choice. They must be very familiar with the ordinance since, according to City Attorney Charles Wetzler, "the latest version of the ordinances was drafted with the ACLU's input." Newly married Christina Aguilera plans to change her sleezy image to something more suitable to a married woman. File this tidbit under, "how to put your career in the toilet". Wednesday Are we the only ones who think that taking out a gas bag like Oprah would put a big damn dent in Global Warming? Probably, but we can live with that. Thursday We had no idea that Disneyland was so desperate for a new attraction that it is seriously considering adding "Burning Hotel" to its theme park adventures. Friday At press time, PIG can't confirm that Jacob set a new record for shortest time between a Judicial gavel and the ensuing probation violation. There's dumb. There's very damn dumb. Then there's Jacob Vanderven. Saturday How cool must that be? Everyone knows you can't be trusted with money but it's no problem. Whenever you squander all your available credit, you give yourself permission to borrow even more. Quotes of The Week Topic: Immigration "Securing our nation's borders from a potential terrorist threat and from the illegal entry of people, weapons and drugs is absolutely paramount. Through Operation Streamline II, we are able to target a federal government offensive in the Del Rio area intended to dramatically reduce illegal activity and deter future activity." (U.S. Border Patrol Chief David V. Aguilar) "ICE is committed to a seamless partnership with federal, state and local entities to ensure there are consequences for those who violate our nation's immigration laws. We will prioritize our resources to ensure those who enter illegally are removed expeditiously. Operation Streamline II recognizes the critical importance of detention and immediate removal as deterrence to future illegal migration." (John P. Torres, acting director of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement's Office of Detention and Removal Operations as quoted in the Washington Times) Topic: Entertainment "If your claim to fame is being the friend of some guy who banged Paris Hilton, the only thing you should worry about is sitting beside him in the hot tub." "Now all that's left is to determine who still cares about Tori Spelling. We can round them all up in a spaceship and shoot them into the sun. It might not be the most humane thing to do, but sacrifices have to be made for the greater good here. And by greater good, I mean the global IQ of the world." (The Superficial) Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Monday Him:. "I'm here for a parking ticket." Tuesday At press time PIG was unable to confirm a rumor that humming a Western tune has also been banned. If you must hum, do it very quietly, because you never know when a Mullah might be listening. That's what passes for liberty in Iran, al-Sparky. Wednesday Admittedly, the PIG staff doesn't spend much time in the City of Angels, but we'd get there, some damn how. It's a damn shame about those missing invites because we were looking forward to getting up close and personal with Je$$e and Calypso Louie. There's no telling when we'll get another chance to wear our festive 'burn in hell you rat bastard' kevlar vests. Sigh. Thursday Fact Two: She gave her hubby a thrilling welcome home, by having him killed. The perps were her 16 year old daughter's 18 year old boyfriend, Zeke, and Monique's 18 year old live-in boyfriend, Latwon. Fact Three: During a walk in the woods, Paul was shot to death and Monique got a wound in her shoulder. A 26 year old woman with a 16 year old daughter? What's up with that? Would it help if I told you this happened in North Carolina? Probably, but the truth isn't that thrilling. The 16 year old Southern wenchlet is her step daughter. Aren't you just a tad ashamed of yourself, South-bashing Sparky? Quotes of the Week More "Israel Sucks, and so does the West" Prose from that Iranian Wingnut "If your civilization consists of aggression, making oppressed people homeless, suffocating the voices of justice and bringing poverty to a majority of the world's people, we say loudly that we hate your hollow civilization." "Today, they have created a myth in the name of Holocaust and consider it to be above God, religion and the prophets. "If you committed this big crime, then why should the oppressed Palestinian nation pay the price? This is our proposal: if you committed the crime, then give a part of your own land in Europe, the United States, Canada or Alaska to them so that the Jews can establish their country," he said, developing a theme he raised in Saudi Arabia last week." A Best Selling Author Paints a Bull's-Eye On Twerpy Tommy Cruise "There are misconceptions about psychology, especially when people out there like Tom Cruise say there's no evidence of chemical imbalance and psychiatric disorders. There's going to be some girl or boy who worships this megastar, who decides, 'I'm not going to take my anti-depressants because Tom Cruise said I don't need drugs'." Compelling Prose about the "war" on Christmas "It’s not majorities that leftists despise – it’s Western majorities. And when, due to their fraudulent campaign, Western people in a Western country must worry that “Merry Christmas” will be taken as an insult to non-Westerners or secularists, it’s time for every citizen of that country – Christian, Jew, Muslim, atheist, or Hare Krishna – to fight this abomination. We must all help protect the right of Christians to sing “Silent Night” publicly at a Nativity scene – because if they can’t do that, there’s no telling what the rest of us won’t be able to do next." An actor takes on 'Black History Month' "You're going to relegate my history to a month. I don't want a black history month. Black history is American history." "...[The only way to end racism is to "stop talking about it."..."I am going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man." (Morgan Freeman from a "60 Minutes" interview) Stop the Presses Quotes from 'The Superficial' Site "If you're a guy, and all your resume says is 'professional dancer', the only jobs you're really qualified for involve g-strings, body-wax, and rousing games of Mr. Tickle-Feather with guys in leather skirts." (The Superficial on Mr. Titney Spears) "When the words 'Tom Cruise', 'sauna sweating' and 'cooking oil' come together in a story, I also fully expect to see some combination of the words 'publicist rigorously denies' and 'drunken ass-pirates'." Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Initially, Yankee raised the price of natural gas due to supply shortages. To help mitigate that added cost, Yankee asked customers to conserve. Now, because the ensuing conservation thrashed their bottom line, Yankee wants to raise prices to cover the revenue shortfall. The customer's choice is simple. He can pay more for the amount of gas he normally uses. Or, he can pay a lot more for using a lot less gas than he normally uses. Monday Given their prevailing pariah status, smokers need not wait for some activist cabal to come to their rescue. It's not in the cards because smoking is the epitome of inkorrectness. Tuesday Why are these Brit bankers stopping at half measures? If getting rid of the clocks keeps them from complaining about the long wait, why stop there? Board up the windows and turn off the lights so nobody will notice that you've only got one teller window open. The saddest part of this epic is that asinine as it seems, it just dumb enough to work. When, exactly, did the Brits outlaw watches? Wednesday Thursday Friday Workers face losing two days pay for every day they're on strike and the city wants each striking union member to pay $25,000 in damages the first day, a sum that doubles every day thereafter. The union is facing one million dollars in damages the first day, a sum that doubles each day thereafter. Ouch! Saturday Things that made me do a double-take: Things that reset the bar for crap: Fark Teasers of the Week "Police hunting for a man who fled a hospital with traction apparatus, his skull in a "halo" and both arms in casts. He must be enjoying some serious pain killers." [12/14] "You may need a new gunner for your tank if, during target practice, the current one shells a monastery." [12/14] "Reporter figures out the mystery of why Hooters is so popular. Shockingly, he discovers it's not because of the food. " [12/14] "Pope denounces materialism from balcony of marble, gold-domed building in midst of jewel-encrusted religious icons while wearing giant gold cross." [12/11] Quotes of The Week Topic: Politics " ... And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the - of - the historical customs, religious customs." (John Kerry as quoted by News Max) Topic: Entertainment "Being first in line for a Paris Hilton gangbang is like being the first kid in kindergarten to tie your shoes. It's nice and all, but almost everyone else in the world has already done it. Even lepers." "It seems the Jackson family is fine with Michael’s megalomania, Peter Pan syndrome, child molestation, completely ridiculous plastic surgery, baby dangling, sham marriages, terrible music, and high-voice-talking, but drug binges are just too much to bear." (The Superficial) Topic: The White House's "Generic" Christmas Card "This clearly demonstrates that the Bush administration has suffered a loss of will and that they have capitulated to the worst elements in our culture." (William Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights as quoted by the Washington Post) "Sometimes it's hard to tell whether this is sinister -- it's the purging of Christ from Christmas -- or whether it's just political correctness run amok. I think in the case of the White House, it's just political correctness." "It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House. What's going on there?" (Tim Wildmon, president of the American Family Association as quoted by the Washington Post) Topic: A Class Action Lawsuit Against Soft drink Companies "We haven't decided about [how much we'll steal from soft drink companies] yet. We don't want this to come off looking like a greedy-lawyer lawsuit." (Stephen Garden, staff shyster for the Junk Science poster punks at Center for Science in the Public Interest) Topic: The Holocaust "Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if anyone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail. Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is: is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem? If the Europeans are honest they should give some of their provinces in Europe -- like in Germany, Austria or other countries -- to the Zionists and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe. You offer part of Europe and we will support it." (Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as quoted by Reuters) Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday For a firsthand report from the bird wars, we bring you these choice words from rooftop weather wrangler, David Potter: "It can be really bad and it's getting worse. It is my fourth year doing the job and there are more and more gulls. The big gulls swoop at my head and are backed up by half a dozen others which scream and dive-bomb me. It's very distressing but at least we now have crash helmets to protect us from being pecked about the head and face." Talk about your hostile working environment! Monday Determined to set the record straight, he plans to make a film about the daring deeds performed by "Deuce Four" - the 1st Battalion of the 24th infantry. We're pleased to report that Bruce does more then talk about "Deuce Four"; he attended their homecoming ball in Seattle, recently. In addition to his cinematic efforts to showcase our men and women in uniform, Bruce also offered a $1,000,000 reward for information leading to the capture or killing of Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. PIG salutes Bruce for putting his money, and his creative energy, on the line to support our troops. Heartfelt kudos are conferred on this rare breed: a Hollywood patriot. Tuesday Don't look for those familiar Bible scenes on a new calendar put together by some young German Cross Cultists. Granted, its theme is decidedly biblical, but the pictures are a hormone gorilla's fantasy come true. The calendar includes 12 "erotic scenes from the Bible, including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Sampson's hair and a nude Eve offering an apple" (Reuters). I know what you're thinking Sparky, and I'm with you, but my Reuters news source didn't include an order form. Life is so sucky that way. Wednesday If these two gangs stop killing each other, and all those innocent civilians, Arnold will grant Tookie a 30 day stay of execution. This stay will be renewed every 30 days, as long as the two gangs keep the peace. But, the instant one or both parties breaks the peace, it's Took, Took, Tookie Goodbye. Of all the schemes to save Tookie from reaping what he sowed, this one is the pick of the litter. Leaving Tookie's fate in the hands of some murdering gang banging thugs sounds like justice to me. Kiss it goodbye, Tookums. Thursday Speaking of crimes, Orange County (Florida) cops will be busting parents who j-walk with their tykes. The charge? They're making noises about felony child neglect. Learmington, Ontario has a new law that limits a homeowner to three garage sales per year. That 4th garage sale could cost those sales minded homeowners a hefty $5,000. Friday It's bad enough when the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department confiscates your firearm, without a valid reason. But, it turbo sucks when they charge you a $54.00 storage fee to get it back. They want me to pay to retrieve a gun that they had no reason to take in the first place? You take my gun, erroneously, but I still need to shell out $54 to get it back? Bite me, greedy Sheriff punk. Saturday The Main Event: A high speed chase ensues during which our hero escapes. Cops have the last laugh when they find him and a cohort parked on the side of the road, passed out. The Crowning Moment: During a search cops find some coke stashed in - this is not a joke - our hero's butt. The Bitter End: Our hero winds up in the intensive care ward after he repossesses his coke and swallows some of it. Loser of the Week: A man spends more than $500,000 to build his dream - Legends Sports Pub and Grille. But, the dream is on hold, because he built this tavern in a district where adult beverage sales are banned. Anyone for lemonade? Fark Teasers of The Week The Utah Department of Transportation wants you to know that, this year, it won't be shooting errant 105mm Howitzer munitions into people's houses. In other news, they have to announce this? [12/09] Having successfully thwarted the sale of over seven vehicles, American Family Association calls off Ford boycott. [12/05] Patrick Stewart on "X-Men 3": "Everything was fine when I left the set. I've finished my filming now and it's all looking great." Translation: "It sucks donkey balls". [12/05] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Taking "earned" to its illogical extreme, lets suppose a differently-ethical individual steals a bag of money from store. Under this "earned" paradigm, if the thief keeps it long enough he, she, heshe or it will be granted "earned possession" of the money because the sticky fingered cretin got away with the theft for the requisite period of time. If you break into my home, I don't give a rip how long you linger, you're still a damn invader. The instant I catch you, your sorry butt is out of here, un-damn-invited Sparky. Monday Technically, the uniforms worn by Uncle Sam's Border Patrol agents are made by an Amerikan firm, VF Solutions of Nashville. But, when you look at the label sewn into the uniform, it's will read "Made in Mexico". That's right, secure our borders, now, Sparky...For more than a year, VF Solutions outsourced the manufacturing of our Border Patrol uniforms to the country that provides the lion's share of border jumping scumbags: Mexico. Border Patrol uniforms that are "Made in Mexico"! What could possibly go wrong? Tuesday Speaking of Ruskies, a Russian shyster named Igor Smykov is staging a one dolt campaign to evict 'The Simpsons' show from Ruskie TV. First, he tried to convince a Moscow City Court that Homer, Bart, Marge, Maggie, and their Springfield cohorts are promoting drugs, violence and homosexuality so egregiously that the show morally damaged Mr. Smykov's 9 year old son. When the court issued the Ruskie legal equivalent of "Bite Me", this clown retooled his whine and is going to tilt "the Simpsons suck" windmill at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg. Wednesday For starters the word Happy must be deeply offensive to manic depressives, those cursed with clinical depression, plus all those people for whom every day is turbo crappy. "Happy" is an in your face insult to these chronically unhappy campers. Holiday is equally suspect since it stems from the Middle English term haligdaeg which translates as holy day. Happy Holy Day? That's destined to offend Michael Newdow and his differently-pious pals. What should we do? Daring to think outside the box, PIG offers this all purpose salutation for your consideration: "Generic greetings of the season." Merry Christmas, PIGsters. Thursday It's not breaking news when a car thief steals a car from a Moscow repair shop. However, I it's damn sure braking news when the car thief boosts a Nissan Pirmera that was in the shop because its brakes suck. Less than a block from the scene of the crime the car thief found out about the crappy brakes, the old fashioned way, when he slammed into an SUV. Book 'em Danski. It's not breaking news when you dial a wrong number. It's still not breaking news when you ask the man at the wrong number you dialed to bring you some crack. It's stop the presses news when the dude you dialed erroneously is a police detective. In this instance, the wrong number dialer got what he needed, a graybar guest suite. Friday
Bill, dude, the shock treatments aren't working. It's time to kick the voltage up several notches. Things that go"bump II: Tommy Cruise and his Scientology homeboys created a subterranean archive in the New Mexico hills, where they preserved the vast wisdom of their founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Inside the steel-lined, nuclear blast proof tunnels, preserved on thousands of metal records that are stored in heat resistant titanium boxes, are chapter and verse on L. Ron's vast Scientology musings. Millions, billions of years from now visitors will be able to disinter this Scientology stash and laugh their butts off - assuming E. T. has a butt - over the wonderfully weird world of Scientology. Saturday Will Hal be back? Don't know. A better question is why Hal, a dude whose whole career is built upon prophecy, didn't see this one coming. NOVEMBER 2005
Stray Synaptic Activity Source: Pagan Scribbler Prattle Tantrum [11/26] The Holiday Shopping News Cycle The next phase of the holiday shopping story brings us tragic tales about worried capitalists fretting that they're not getting enough business to eke out a profit. Stories about frantic price slashing and capitalists on suicide watch appear regularly, until, sometime in January, in a small, one sentence story on page ZZZ 99,000 our preferred fishwrap reports that retailers are - ever so quietly - admitting that same store sales are up from the previous year. Just once, it would be nifty if the capitalists and their news nitwit cohorts would cut to the chase and admitted that, once again, a retailer bankruptcy epidemic is not forthcoming. As spiffy as that would be, I'll refrain from holding my breath...again. Jessica Simpson Gets Unhitched Speaking of Jessica, am I the only one who is seriously creeped out by her papa Joe? Joe is capital "W" WEIRD and that's a fact. Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday C-SPAN did itself proud last night, but I'm holding out for a junkyard dog cage match between Tancredo and Ford. That's probably too hot for C-SPAN, so we'll need to shell out for pay-per-view. "Rage in a Cage?" I'm ready if you are, congressional melee Sparky. Monday Making the show must see T.V. is this tidbit: contestants were screened by a shrink so they could pick out the ones who are the most gullible. Tuesday "If you're in a burning building you want to know it's on fire before you reach the 14th floor." Wednesday Not to be confused with a pseudo sporting event called the Winter Olympics, the Gluttony Olympics features an impressive array of food-related events, all of which involve jamming, ramming, cramming, stuffing, and squeezing ridiculous, life-threatening, mountains of food into each participant. You're dubbed a winner if, after that third helping of pumpkin pie, you refrain from impaling Aunt Nellie with your buckle when your belt explodes from the strain. Thursday It's the day before Thanksgiving and already three houses were destroyed because some Emeril wanna be went non-clinically bonkers by tossing a turkey into a big pot of boiling oil then left it to do what comes naturally: Euguene, Oregon: a newly completed house became a pile of well-done ashes when an unattended turkey fryer with a broken thermometer caught fire. El Paso, Mexas: A turkey fryer was being used, inside the house and left unattended. Fire, plus boiling oil turned the domicile extra crispy. Nolensville, Tennessee: A turkey fryer left unattended on the house's rear deck, overheats, catches fire and turns the log home into charcoal. Friday How bad was she? During my 'formative years' the state health officials imposed a 10 square mile quarantine around our house every time she unleashed one of her virtually indescribable casseroles. More alarming still, her last attempt at a 'new recipe' sent up a toxic cloud so virulent that it caused a three-state wide evacuation and made the whole area unlivable for the next 15,000 years. Is it any wonder I get the screaming night sweats every time some family values dweeb starts babbling about 'one of mom's unforgettable home cooked meals'. Intelligent and articulate, my mother demonstrated a wide range of talents in numerous endeavors. Suffice it to say, that the aforementioned talents did not include cooking. Saturday Speaking of incomprehensible political hack drivel, we have this gem from Mexifornia Senator Diane Feinstein. She spewed this twaddle while discussing her plan to grant "legal status" to some border jumping scumbag farm workers. "Please don't use the word 'amnesty'. It's not an 'amnesty'. It's an 'earned transition'." Sad fact: Ms. Feinstein is, comparatively speaking, the saner of the two clowns the no longer 'Golden' State sent to the U.S. Senate. This Week's Winning Fark Teasers "Xbox 360, much like Courtney Love, found to be very unstable, riddled with bugs, and available for $400." [11/23] "Pastor accused of rape "falls" off 1500-foot cliff. God wanted for questioning." [11/23] "Canadian police being trained to detect pot-smoking drivers. Apparently the smell, smoke, five-mph paranoid driving and bags of Cheetos on passenger seat not enough of a giveaway." [11/23] "Angelina Jolie nearly passes out in airport. In other news, a new land speed record was set by the emergency workers rushing to administer CPR to Ms. Jolie." [11/22] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Things got painfully real in a Woodruff High School (South Carolina) classroom when the instructor's adventure in applied chemistry blew up - literally - after an instructor mixed sodium and water in a dish. It's supposed to make sodium hydroxide, but in this case it made a loud noise when the mixture exploded. Fifteen students got hit with the debris, but no serious injuries occurred. If you're thinking "tenured Educrat idiot", join the club. Monday Our scary fact of the day comes from the Overlawyered Internet site: "At last count, Congress Assembled contains two physicists, two chemists, two biologists, one geologist, 234 lawyers and an astronaut. This puts the lawyers within striking distance of an absolute majority in the 538-member Congress." (Russell Seitz, "Congressional Math", Wall Street Journal, Nov. 11). Tuesday A Tennessee dude named John Gilmore was untimely ripped from his job at cable, phone and internet purveyor, Knology, after he went public with his conviction that Friday (11/11) marked the onset for the end of the world. John is taking his newly conferred leisure status in stride, since Old Ka Boom "is calling me to do other things". John transposed his signs and portents and that led him to naming the wrong day for the economic collapse of five large U.S. cities. Sayeth John: The end is near, but not "here". Wednesday Mere seconds later, the no longer terrified Tunisian dolly returned to snap Mikey's mug with a cell phone camera. Outraged, Mikey gave chase and demanded that she hand over the photos. She refused, then asked him for "compensation". Their bargaining attracted the cops who settled things the way the jury did in Santa Maria. Mikey wasn't chastised for using the woman's head, and the Tunisian dolly was forced to erase the picture, because her demand for money was "illegal". Thursday The bad news for Mexifornia smokers is that AB17 would make it illegal for them to light up that coffin nail on the beach. The good news for Mexifornia smokers is that a recently signed bill, AB178, mandates that, when you do find some spot in the state where you can light up legally, the coffin nail will be a "fire-safe" smoke that will go out if you don't keep puffing on it. Legicrats don't care if you die of lung cancer, but they draw the line at letting you set fire to yourself due to reckless cigarette operation. Friday The same family member uncorked this gem when she noticed the two extremely tasteful, harmless to the max, tattoos her grandson's new bride sported. "Oh, are you related to the Nazi's?" Last but not least, she declined a walk in a nearby park because. "Walking on dirt gives me Vertigo." Saturday Fast Food D'oh: While dining in a Thibodaux (Louisiana) eatery, a woman's dining pleasure hit a speed bump when she found that her onion rings arrived at her table, cold. What to do? After she complained to the waitress and got nowhere, the woman grabbed a phone and dialed 911. Singularly unamused, the proper authorities arrested the woman and charged her with misuse of the 911 system. Flaming D'oh: A college coed got an unexpected wake-up call when the cell phone she was recharging exploded, sending a plume of flames a foot in the air. She escaped with severe burns, but her LG V 6000 Flip phone was DOA. Fark Teaser of The Week "China brushes off Bush's call for more freedom, wishes he would just shut up and take the money like Clinton." [11/18] Assorted Things That Crossed My Alleged Mind Colorado's Cool Mom "She's so ugly she could make a freight train take a dirt road." If you've managed to avoid seeing the "Cool Mom's" mug shot, count your blessings, because, all things considered, Bill Handel's well chosen words are egregiously complimentary. After looking at her - if you dare - ask yourself the burning question: How loaded would a dude have to be to get his little soldier to stand up and...salute...that? I know that teenage dudes are walking hormones, but I didn't realize, until this very instant, that these rampaging teenage hormones rendered them blind. Hugo Strikes Again Everyone's favorite South American Marxist Wingnut - Hugo Chavez - is back in the news. It's the same old thing, with a nifty new twist. Hugo is still picking fights, but this time around he's after W's best bud, Vicente Fox. The fun started at the recent economic confab in Brazil, where Hugo spouted some hot air about Fox being Uncle Sam's puppy. In a subsequent interview he laid more pointed prose on Vicente, warning: "Don't mess with me, sir, because you'll get stung." More than a tad hot over the way Hugo's warning "strikes at the dignity of the Mexican people and government", Vicente went postal during an interview with CNN en Espanol, during which he demanded an apology, or else. His tag line isn't as fun as Hugo's but it's worth repeating: "We can't allow people to offend our country." Oh really? Obviously, Vicente hasn't read an Internet speed bump named PIG. Following this brisk exchange of views, Mexico recalled its ambassador to Venezuela, after which Venezuela responded in kind. The heated words are still flying back and forth, but, at press time, neither of these pinheads has taken their spat to the next level by breaking off diplomatic relations. If you're guessing that some-damn-how, they'll kiss, make up, then blame it all on Uncle Sam, join the club. Brent Keeps His Minions Busy Raw Fact: In the third quarter of 2005, the FCC received 23,547 indecency complaints. Tammy Bruce, In Her Own Words Tammy Bruce, a PIG favorite, had a lot to say this week: "On Sept. 11 this nation woke up. What I'm suggesting is that Americans - individual by individual - we woke up from a cultural coma. We realized that we had given up this nation to the left and for the last four decades they had hijacked our culture." "The Minuteman Project is a very good example that we realize now that the government can't keep us safe. We've got to be in charge of our own future and we're going to be doing something about it." "In every country it has parasitically invaded - when they realize they're on the losing end, they begin to become panicked. And you see that in the results of the public dialogue." "Not only should we not be ashamed of this nation and afraid of our greatness - we need to embrace it . . . We need to reinforce our values here at home, but absolutely aggressively spread them worldwide." Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Twins: While eating in a restaurant with magnificent acoustics, I overheard this amazing tidbit. A woman at a nearby table spewed a prolonged monologue about her twin sister. After itemizing their countless similarities, she said, " I look exactly like her, but she doesn't look a thing like me." Monday This fun Jersey fact landed on the front burner on Friday, when a State Superior Court Judge ordered registrar of vital statistics to compile the names of all adult Jersey denizens who achieved room temperature since 1985. And why, you ask, did she need to order this clown to do something that is one of his prime functions? Obviously you know, I know - every rational adult knows - it's part of his job, but, believe it or not, according to those in the know, the state registrar, Joseph Komosinski, "was unaware that was one of his obligations". Tuesday Speaking of supreme irony, the University of Washington made a bid for the Supreme Irony hall of fame when they named the new chairman of U. W.'s Women's Studies Department. After an exhaustive search, the selection committee chose the individual whose qualifications were head and shoulders above the rest. Although everyone agrees that the best individual got the job, the usual subjects have their panties in a wad that the new Women's Studies Dept. chairman is a straight, white male named David Allen. Adding that essential Twilight Zone element is the fact that Mr. Allen tried to turn the job down. Wednesday As fun as "Jesus Juice" sounds, the sleuths at the Smoking Gun tell us that label is what makes it special: '...[the label features] a barely clad man with a sequined glove, shiny loafers, stringy hair, and a black fedora that obscures his face...' appearing to be crucified. At press time "Jesus Juice" is a nifty name, plus a spiffy label, searching for a wine-making partner who has a sense of humor. If all goes as planned and the trademark gets approved it could be in our wine rack sometime next year. Thursday First, and foremost, the AMD processors they're selling aren't available in any of the computer lines Dell offers. In fact, these AMD processors can't be made to fit in a Dell computer because Dell uses Intel only motherboards fitted with an Intel chipset that's not compatible with the AMD processor. Making this epic especially thrilling, Dell isn't even selling the hottest AMD processor, the 'Opteron'. When you add it all up, the answer is clear. This 'we sell AMD' scam is meant for a very exclusive audience, the Judge who will be adjudicating the forthcoming anti-trust lawsuit. Friday Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof called members of the Piston brass to apologize in person, after which they placed full page "We're so sorry" ads in the Detroit News. Everyone wants to know who did the deed, but so far, nobody has owned up to it. PIG would love to take credit for this stunt, but we can't. We can ask the burning question: Where was Agent Oink on Tuesday? Saturday Speaking of things that should be taking seriously, we bring you spiffy epic about the recent mayoral election in Hillsdale (Michigan). "Officially" unopposed, but facing a write in campaign by a political neophyte, the city's incumbent mayor took his election victory as a given and refuse to campaign. Imagine his shock when the neophyte - 18-year-old, high school senior Michael Sessions - beat the blase incumbent. The new mayor promises to get started on his new job, as soon as he graduates from high school. Fark Teasers of the Week "Nicolas Cage complains he was not chosen to be next James Bond because he is American. That must be the only possible explanation." [11/07] "Slate explains how to set a Peugeot on fire, other than by turning the ignition switch." [11/06] "Cruise drops sister as publicist after she fails to protect him from negative publicity. Suggested strategy for successor: Bind him, gag him, lock him up someplace he can't talk to anyone." [11/06] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Monday Speaking of things that need to be blown off the planet, there's thrilling news from Al Jazerra. In bygone days, these terrorism glorifying asshats called Islamikazes "suicide operations". Proving that Korrectness even works in Arabic, Al Jazeera pinheads now refer to these murdering bastard's antics as: "Paradise Operations". Tuesday Faster than you can say "amen", Rev. Lake did a header into one of those pesky scientific laws when he discovered that water is a thrillingly efficient electrical conductor. I'm guessing that fun scientific fact never cropped up during Seminary. Since the Biblical deity invented these pesky scientific laws, it can't hurt to mention that they still apply, even in church. The legendary, terminally imaginative PIG staff came up with several stop the presses suggestions for Reverend Lake's tombstone inscription, but our esteemed Executive Editor won't let us share them with you. Life is so unfair that way. Wednesday
According to justice system officials, Mayor Hill's secretary is still waiting for permission to deposit his checks, and it's highly unlikely she's gonna get that order while Bobby is in exile. Fear not, duly elected official Sparky, Mayor Bobby's shyster vows that he will continue to conduct city business and sign the relevant paperwork, at home, while he's in exile. Thursday First, be advised that most of the 6,800 Free State participants are from California and Florida. Given that, it's easy to get the big picture. These warm climate colonizers took one look at a New Hampshire winter and decided that moving there was not an idea whose time had come. Maybe these libertarians would have better luck if they recruited their Free State volunteers from such balmy locales as Siberia, Antarctica, Alaska, Canada's northernmost territory and Iceland. Or, they could wait for Global Warming to turn New Hampshire tropical paradise. Friday We know what you're thinking but, before you render than "amen, brother" consider these choice mayoral words about the best way to deal with taggers: "In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes. You know, we have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come along and deface it. I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb. That may be the right thing to do." Thumb whacking? Caning? If he loses that mayor gig, there might be a place for him on the PIG staff. Saturday A key sticking point - one that only PIG envisions - will center on who gets stuck with, uh, custody of, Howard Dean. Another pesky issue is how the capitalism-hating citizens of the Second Vermont Republic plan to sustain themselves. It's probably hopelessly rational of me to consider these things, but somebody needs to do it and it's a slam dunk that none of the pinheads planning to turn The Green Mountain State into a neo-Socialist paradise are doing it. Fark Teasers "Youths in France torch hundreds of cars in yet another night of rioting. Since the cars were all Renaults, damage estimated to be in the tens of dollars." [11/04] "Chirac unveils French Resistance memorial. It has two sections, one for the eight actual resistance fighters, and one for the 300,000 Frenchmen who claimed to have belonged to the Resistance once the war was safely over." [11/04] "French-built Toyota to debut in US next year. Unlike previous Toyotas, this one will offer 5-speed reverse, non-retracting antenna with white flag standard." [10/30] "Harry Reid wants Bush to fire Rove; would also like to magically regain the Senate majority, a simple solution to Iraq, to be 20 years younger, and free cookies." [10/30] OCTOBER 2005
Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [10/29] Sunday Gary bagged an old transit bus, converted it into a rolling eatery, then parked his ride outside his son's Hi-Way Diner. The restaurant doesn't serve people seated in dad's bus, but it does allow them to take their food out there and eat it while they enjoy a smoke. Take that Smoke Nazi Sparky. Since the new smoking ban didn't apply to this situation, the city tried to nail Gary with a zoning violation, but a judge shot them down. PIG salutes Gary for beating city hall with his ingenuity. Quoth Gary: "Gloat! I'm gloating!" Gary Walker is a sterling example of that American classic: the rugged individual. Monday Pennsylvania D'oh: A Bensalem desperado's day went from "dough" to "D'oh" after he used the back of his pay stub for his "give me all your money, this is a hold-up" note. Michael Drennon did his best to cover his tracks by using a marker to cross out his name and address, but it didn't provide much of a challenge for local forensic specialists. Dumb is using your pay stub for a holdup note. Dumber is letting the teller keep it. Hoosier D'oh: An Indiana woman's day went from "dough" to "D'oh" after she stole her parents' credit cards then used them bail her hubby out of jail and get him a lawyer. That shyster will come in handy, because she's busted! Tuesday Despite the fact that Irvine resident Mary Pham lived in the same condo for 16 years, one of her neighbors bogusly claimed that Mary's three kids didn't live in the condo. In a heartbeat, Mary got tagged for an inside the house inspection by the district's residency storm troopers. "We need to come inside your house and inspect the kids' bedrooms and closets." School officials insisted. "Over my dead body, Educrat Sparky", captures the spirit of Mary's reply. The district is hanging tough, making noises about evicting Mary's kids from Irvine's schools. Mary Pham tried city hall, then went lawyer shopping. Give 'em hell, Mary. Wednesday Banned in Turkey: If your name is Walter, William or Quentin or Quinn we have some bad news for you. Your names can get you fined in Turkey because they contain letters that don't appear in the Turkish alphabet. Any signs, ads, fishwraps or official documents that contain the forbidden letters "W" and/or "Q" will get you busted in Turkey. If your dream involved opening "Quinn's Hoochie Palace" in Istanbul you're out of luck, banned letter Sparky. Thursday Critters as prizes I get, more or less, and I sort of get the pooch walking too, but round fish bowls needs some explaining. So far, we're given two likely explanations: round fish bowls make the swimmers go blind; round fish bowls don't give the swimmers enough oxygen. Bold new concept. Friday Banned in Minnesota: Some Centerville pinheads want the city to black flag a Halloween display because it might damage neighborhood tykes. Their panties are in a bunch because Heather Pranke's mock graveyard features gravestones bearing names like: Mike Hunt, Ben Dover, Phil McCracken and Hugh Jass. Heather issued a non-negotiable "Bite Me" to her neighbors, sending them running to the City Council. Saturday A) Call the cops? If you're a PIG staffer, you answered the uncensored version of 'D'. If your name is Benn Hill, you answered 'C' and you're still whining about being afraid to let the kiddies play outside. Grow a pair, Benn. Fark Teasers of the Week "New study says handsome politicians are more likely to get elected than ugly ones. No word yet on why the entire Congress is an exception." [10/27] "Man arrested after attempting to re-enact a scene from "Halloween" on a friend while drunk. May be alarmed by re-enactment of a scene from "Deliverance" by his cellmate." [10/27] Abuse of Power In Florida Boca Raton's police chief, Andrew Scott, is his own worst enemy. Already catching heat for releasing one of his deep pocketed pals from custody, Chief Scott threw caution to the wind when he ordered two assistant chiefs to dispatch an officer to help a local boob tube reporterette named Julie Summers get an interview with an especially elusive local contractor. The officer on the receiving end of this edict from the Chief is Sgt. Jeff Kelly. His orders were quite explicit: follow the contractor until the dude perpetrated any driving infraction, then stop him so the reporterette could spring an ambush interview on her quarry. According to a memo from Sgt Kelly, the ensuing events unfolded thusly:
Before you aim those brickbats at Sgt. Kelly, be advised that he was a very reluctant participant who was coerced into cooperation. As a new Sergeant, and still on probation, he wasn't in a position to refuse. If you want to slam anybody, paint a bull's-eye on Chief Andrew Scott, but save enough tar and feathers for Julie Summers for requesting this police 'assistance' in the first place. Call me names if you must, but both of them deserved to be fired, right damn now! Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Before the new rules, tattoos were a non issue, unless the skin picture was deemed 'obscene', but that's all changed now. Henceforth, applicants for the Coast Guard must have less than 25% coverage on an exposed limb. Hard limits like 25% are nifty, but how, exactly, do you measure this make it or break it goodie? To date only 26 applicants didn't make the 25% coverage cut. FYI: The army bans any tattoo that shows when the troop is in uniform. "Offensive markings" anywhere on the bod are also banned. The Navy bans visible tattoos, too. Are we all clear on that, tattoo Sparky? Monday Much later, he called to somebody through a nearby grate and, eventually, after he was liberated, he lied to the cops telling them he got lost while looking for his wayward mutt. Compounding his stupidity, he gave the cops his brother's name when they asked for his identity. His whoppers might have worked, if his brother hadn't already arrived on the scene and chatted with the cops. Busted? You bet, but he expected that anyway, which leads us to the final irony. His crimes, driving on a suspended license and a probation violation, are small potatoes, so the cops weren't even looking for the fool. Tuesday In bygone years, Oakley denizens simply wrote in somebody's name, but things are differently now. Today, even write-in candidates must declare their intention to run, before the election. What to do? If nobody steps up to the plate by October 25, the mayor will appoint two new council members in January. I'm guessing it's the Oakley version of traffic school. The judge gives you a choice, pay the fine and take the hit on your driving record or serve on the city council. If you're an aspiring petty tyrant, haul ass to Oakley and file those papers, Sparky. Wednesday Claiming the skin mag is behind the times, UCSB Chancellor Henry Yang, spouts boring stuff about "serious research" and "five Nobel prizes". Spewing the venerable "sexist pigs" canard, Dean of Students Yonie Harris whines: "This is Playboy trading on an old reputation. And I think it's an exploitative thing to do." Playboy didn't say "bite me", but citing the 30 bikini clad wenches they already photographed plus the 100 they expect to record for posterity amounts to the same thing. UCSB still spells 'party'. Thursday Last Wednesday (Oct. 12) the state gas cabal announced that the wholesale price would drop 44 cents a gallon on the following Monday. In a heartbeat cars started dying like flies, because their cheapskate drivers didn't want to pay the high 'old' price, but would squeeze every mile out of the gas they had. One of the most popular "chug, sputter, wheeze, I'm out of gas dummy" spots is the incline of the H-3 heading toward Kane'ohe. It's a cool 13 miles from the nearest pit stop. As savings schemes go this one sucks, since the emergency service call can cost you $55, not including the cost of the gas you need. Friday Speaking of new homes, Mikey Jackson, now a denizen of pervert-friendly Bahrain, is still getting mail at his old digs, Neverland Ranch. This week's stop the presses snail mail came from Santa Barbara County, summoning this noseless pervert for jury duty. Call me names if you must, but I'd love to see his sorry ass in the jury box. Why? Because it's probably the only way he'll ever see the inside of another Amerikan court, again. Saturday The fun started innocently enough when, for reasons we really don't want or need to know, the usual Nanny State nitwits decided to expunge words like "ass", "mule" and "horse" out of the state code. The Montgomery Advertiser reports that, in addition to inserting "equine" 94 times the legicrats "inadvertently used outdated language for other parts of the code" that wasn't supposed be changed. In other words, they took a straightforward task and majorly botched it. The hacks intended to fix it, earlier in the session but they were too busy playing filibuster to get 'er done, so if you plan to get that cash infusions, do it now, Sparky. Fark Teaser of the Week "Detroit man pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital, where his condition was upgraded to "alive"." [10/21] Armed and Dangerous In Alaska The National Rifle Association won a stunning victory over Alaska's gun control dweebs this week, when it persuaded the state's legicrats to enact a law that prevents any Alaska city from imposing stringent gun control laws on the state's sovereign individuals. In addition to overturning existing restrictions on concealed weapons in seven Alaskan cities, the new law prevents any other city from imposing similar restrictions in the future. Under the new law, no city can pass a gun restricting law that is more stringent than the existing state law. Am I the only one who thinks "Locked and loaded" would make a dynamite state motto for The Last Frontier? Probably, but I can live with. Fark Teasers "Toyota recalls 75,000 Prius hybrids, and a time when they made good looking cars." [10/13] "Google and Comcast in talks to take over AOL. Googling for reasons why anybody would want to take over the black hole of |