Rosie O’Donnell On Terrorists
"You can walk through life believing in the goodness of the world, or walk through life afraid of anyone who thinks different than you and trying to convert them to your way of thinking. And I think that this country ... ."

View Co-Hostess Elizabeth Hasselbeck interjected: "Well, I'm a person of faith, so I, but I also believe ... ."

"Well then, get away from the fear," interrupted O'Donnell. "Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers."

[PIG: Fat, loud, obnoxious and stupid is a deadly combination]

The Vatican on Mecca Maniacs obeying local laws
" [Countries] must require that guests who arrive from a different culture must respect the traditions, the symbols, the culture, the religion of the countries they go to. This seems to me to be elementary. It is quite right that (local) authorities insist on [ditching their burkas and veils]...Dialogue is needed with our brothers to make them understand the consequences of some of their desires, such as their own cultural and religious traditions, would not be positive in the society they are now in." (Renato Martion, the Italian prelate who leads the Vatican’s office dealing with issues about immigrants and refugees)

Names in the News
Source: PIG News Wire [11/17/06]

Joe Lieberman
PIG is smelling some relentlessly amusing fireworks when the Donkey Clan takes charge on Capitol Hill. As fun as the House will become under Nancy Pelosi, the Senate might be twice as fun. That’s due, entirely, to the fact that the Donkey Clan’s hold on majority status is a tenuous one seat.

The reason for this forthcoming fun is Joe Lieberman. His status as a Donkey Clan hack is, at best, provisional. When he was first elected, he called himself a Democrat. Within days, he modified that to Independent Democrat. As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because during a recent interview on NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’, he steadfastly refused to rule out moving across the aisle to vote with the Elephant Clan.

"I'm not ruling it out but I hope I don't get to that point. And I must say -- and with all respect to the Republicans who supported me in Connecticut -- nobody ever said, 'We're doing this because we want you to switch over. We want you to do what you think is right and good for our state and country,' and I appreciate that." (Joe Lieberman on Meet the Press)

For those who can’t count, an Elephant Clan Joe Lieberman would make the Senate 50-50 tie between the Elephant Clan and Donkey Clan. In that case, all tie votes are settled by Vice President Dick Cheney. Who said politics can’t be big time fun?

Mikey Jackson
The noseless child molester’s musical comeback hit a major speedbump in London this week, when he barely managed to squeak out the chorus of "We Are The World" before the sound, mercifully, cut out. Proving how deranged Brit fans are, they didn’t notice, or care, and loudly cheered the pervert’s every move.

The evening started nicely enough when this pervert got the Diamond Award for selling more than 100 million records. But, after his pathetic attempt at singing fell flat, Reuters laid this bitch-slapping on Mikey: ‘The failure by the deposed King of Pop to demonstrate his voice and confidence were back to anywhere near their best was likely to raise further doubts about his ability to resurrect a career that has been on hold for years’.

Is Mikey stick a fork in the bastard done? Probably not, if he can still have fans in a frenzy just for showing up. Life is really sucky that way.

John Edwards
Senator John "I deserve to be president" Edwards stepped in it this week, and his efforts to extricate himself are very damn amusing. An unrepentant shyster, Johnny boy, routinely, beats up those evil capitalists at Wal-Mart to please the Marxist Donkey Clan rabble. Wal Mart is evil, greedy and the enemy of working Americans, he opines. In other words, Wal-Mart is evil because hating them is politically expedient. That’s all well and good, but Johnny has a slightly different view when it comes to his own shopping preferences. For these tender hypocritical tidbits, I’ll let the Opinion Journal do the heavy lifting:

[A] Wal-Mart press release accuses Edwards of hypocrisy:

Just like the millions of Americans who turn to their neighborhood Wal-Mart for their holiday shopping needs, Wal-Mart announced today that former Sen. John Edwards is seeking to be one of the first to get a Sony PlayStation3, one of the most coveted holiday gift items this Christmas season.

Yesterday, a staff person for former Sen. Edwards contacted a Wal-Mart electronics manager in Raleigh, North Carolina to obtain a Sony PlayStation3 on behalf of the Senator's family. Later that night, Sen. Edwards reportedly re-told a homespun story to participants of a United Food and Commercial Workers (UFCW) union-sponsored call about how his son had chided a fellow student for purchasing shoes at Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart welcomes Sen. Edwards to visit his local Wal-Mart store and explore the extensive line of home electronics as well as the Metro7 line shoes for men and boys.

The Company noted the PlayStation3 is an extremely popular item this Christmas season, and while the rest of America's working families are waiting patiently in line, Senator Edwards wants to cut to the front. While, we cannot guarantee that Sen. Edwards will be among one of the first to obtain a PlayStation3, we are certain Sen. Edwards will be able to find great gifts for everyone on his Christmas list--many at Wal-Mart's "roll-back prices."

Say what you want about Wal-Mart, but you’ve gotta love the way they bitch-slapped Johnny boy in front of the whole damn world. Did Johnny boy own up to his antics and take personal responsibility for his hypocrisy? You can’t be that simple, Sparky. He deftly pins the blame on one of his minions:

"My wife, Elizabeth, wanted to get a Playstation3 for my young children. She mentioned it in front of one of my staff people. That staff person mentioned it in front of a volunteer who said he would make an effort to get one. He was making an effort to go get one for himself. Elizabeth and I knew nothing about this. He feels terrible about this. He made a mistake, and he knows he should not have used my name."

What a reeking load of bull crap, and what Johnny said stinks to high heaven too. Grow a pair Johnny boy and be man enough to admit that you got busted for being a hypocrite.

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site [11/17/06]

Not News: Guy paints nude people. News: The nudes are religious icons. Fark: The artist is Muslim and he pains Hindu gods. Double Fark: The Hindus have put out a hit on him. (Now I’ve got a headache…)

Quote of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [11/10/06]

Hamas’ "Olive Branch" to America
"America is offering political, financial and logistic cover for the Zionist occupation crimes, and it is responsible for the Beit Hanoun massacre. Therefore, the people and the nation all over the globe are required to teach the American enemy tough lessons."

Strange But True - Week Ending November 11
Source: PIG News Wire [11/08/06]

Doctor Demon Detector
A Brit medical professional turned a routine visit to her office into an adventure in supernaturalism when she told her patient about "something sinister" that was moving around inside the patient’s innards. Dr. Joyce Pratt offered to use her special powers to heal the woman, but she suggested that the patient visit a Cross Cult padre, just to be safe. As fun as that sounds, it gets better because Dr. Pratt informed the patient that the patient’s mother was a witch, then warned that the patient's mother and husband were summoning "dark forces" to kill the patient.

Is it just me, or does Dr. Pratt sound just a tad...eccentric? Nah, it can’t be me, because the Brit General Medical Council has its Fitness to Practice cabal "looking into the matter". PIG suggests that Dr. Pratt take two aspirins, lie down, then hook herself to the power grid and throw the switch. She should lie there twitching, until the voices stop yammering at her.

"Jackass" Junkie Burns His Butt
I feel safe in guessing that the Brit hero of this epic left his brain in his other pants, when he perpetrated this amazingly stupid feat. You gotta know that your life is thisclose to going to crap if the inspiration for the "defining" moment of your 22 year old life is a movie named "Jackass". Inspired - to say the least - this alleged human boldly went where even the stars of Jackass might think twice about going. With all of his higher mental functions inoperable, this clown shoved a firework rocket up his butt and set the damn thing off. The ensuing pain was, to say the lest, thrilling. Ok, maybe "thrilling isn’t the right word, but even a word flogger like me runs out of terms when trying to describe a stunt that left its perpetrator with a "scorched colon" and assorted other unnamed "internal injuries".

Court Rules Burrito Is Not a Sandwich
Why, you must be wondering, is a court ruling on this burning "is a burrito a sandwich" issue? Wonder no more, because it’s as simple as a binding clause in a lease. When the Panera Bread Company opened one of its bakery and café outlets in the White City Shopping Center in Shrewsbury (Mass.), it put a clause in its lease that prevented the mall from renting space to another sandwich shop. The mall agreed and life was spiffy until the White City suits rented space to Qdoba Mexican Grill. Since the new eatery sells burritos, tacos and assorted other goodies wrapped in a tortilla, Panera Bread Company cried foul.

When the White City officials didn’t black flag the Qdoba Mexican Grill, Panera Bread Company took the matter to court, basing their complaint on their contention that a burrito is a sandwich, since it is a food product that has bread (the tortilla) and a filling. The court didn’t see things that way:

‘...Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke cited Webster's Dictionary as well as testimony from a chef and a former high-ranking federal agriculture official in ruling that Qdoba's burritos and other offerings are not sandwiches. The difference, the judge ruled, comes down to two slices of bread versus one tortilla. "A sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans," Locke wrote in a decision released last week...’ (AP)

Penera Bread Company needs to stop whining and resolve this matter the old fashioned way: in the marketplace. Competition brings out the best in all the competing capitalist firms. If Panera Bread Company can’t stand the heat of competition, then they need to get the hell out of the kitchen.

Strange But True
Source: PIG News Wire [11/03/06]

False Advertising?
Some Aussie capitalists with way too much time on their hands are boldly sailing into uncharted male attire waters. The name of this firm is - we swear it’s true - AussieBum and their new product is called the "Wonderjock". That’s right, these Aussies are set to do for the male nads what the ‘Wonderbra’ did for a babe’s sweater puppies. For all those stop the presses details, we’ll let Reuters do the heavy lifting:

"The design of the underwear, separates and lifts. The fabric cup protrudes everything out in front instead of down towards the ground," said "Wonderjock" designer Sean Ashby. "There is no padding, rings or strings," said Ashby, a co-founder of the Internet-based AussieBum firm.

The big question obvious: is the damn thing selling? Oh, hell yes. In the first 7 days on the market, 50,000 of the damn things were sold. It’s spiffy to look bigger when you’ve got it on, but what happens when you shed the damn thing and she sees what you’re packing?

The Banned Letter Caper
Osman Baydemir is the mayor of the largest city in Turkey’s Kurdish dominated southeast, but he might be trading his mayor’s office for a cell thanks to a weird Turkish law. Osman strayed into the Turkish justice system bull’s-eye when he sent a New Year’s greeting card to Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan, plus assorted other Turkish cabinet ministers and members of parliament last year. How, you ask, did Osman’s card land him in trouble? He used Kurdish expression for "Happy New Year", a phrase that contains the letter "W". "W", "X" and "Q" don’t exist in the Turkish alphabet and are, therefore banned by a law that mandates state agencies, civic groups and private institutions must use Turkish letters. The Turkish authorities are deadly serious about nailing Osman and have his trial scheduled to start on February 6, 2007.

Squirrel Jihad Continues
Source: AP [11/01/06]

The on-going squirrel jihad claimed another victim this week, when a bipolar member of genus Sciurus launched an unprovoked assault on mail carrier Barb Dougherty in Oil City (Pennsylvania). She spotted the critter sitting on the porch of a house and didn’t give it a second thought when she deposited the mail in the mailbox. Nothing happen until she turned her back on the critter. That’s when it went bonkers, ran up her leg and onto Barb’s back. Barb was forced to defend herself when the critter started biting her:

‘..."I eventually got a hold of the tail and pulled it off me," Dougherty said. "No one was home at the house where I was delivering the mail, but the neighbor lady heard me screaming and came over." An ambulance took Dougherty to the hospital, where she was treated for cuts and scratches...’ (AP)

Someone dispatched the Jihadikaze critter with a BB gun, then collected the mortal remains so it could be tested for rabies.

This just in! The squirrel jihad continues to claim unsuspecting victims. Be afraid, PIGsters, be very afraid because the damn things are everywhere.

---

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

One in five children in Britain can't find U.K. on a map. Follow-up survey involving "ass" and "both hands" planned.

As Australia continues to be beaten by drought, farmers forced to kill off "less profitable" sheep, export the pretty ones to New Zealand

Quote of the Week
Source: Capitalism Magazine [10/27/06]

Thomas Sowell on Free Speech In America
Many campuses have speech codes where it is called creating a "hostile environment" if you say things that make various racial, sexual, or other protected groups unhappy.

Young people educated at our most prestigious colleges and universities are learning the lesson that storm trooper tactics can silence those who are not in vogue on campus, and honest expressions of opinion about issues involving anything from affirmative action to women in the military can get you suspended if you refuse the humiliation and hypocrisy of being "re-educated."

Free speech rights exist for the whole society, not for writers and speakers. When you say that we can hear only what a growing number of censors want us to hear, you are condemning us to grope in the dark when making all sorts of decisions -- about ourselves, our families and the future of our society.

Islamikazes Silence Free Speech
Source: PIG’s Brit Correspondent Andrew [10/20/06]

PIG’s Brit correspondent, Andrew, submitted a top contender for Girlieman of the Week. Unhappily, it arrived too late to make this week’s awards day cut. Despite that, we want to confer "Dishonorable Girlieman of the Week Mention" status on a Brit newspaper publisher named Richard Desmond. The fun started when one of Richard’s fishwrap, the ‘Daily Star’, hatched a heroically inkorrect idea that would have, if they’d gone through with it, put them in the hunt for a Hambo’s Choice award for world class inkorrectness.

The idea was one worthy of PIG and, truth be told, we’re bummed that we didn’t think of it. Someone who belongs on the PIG staff came up with "Daily Fatwa", a satirical version of the paper’s front page that included such gems as: ‘a Page 3 Burkha Babes Special and competitions to "Burn a Flag and Win a Corsa" and "Win hooks just like Hamza's"‘. This mock front page would appear on page 6 of the Daily Star and would include ‘a spoof leader column under the headline "Allah is Great" but left blank save for a stamp with the word "Censored"‘. It was locked and loaded for big time fun, then ‘it’ happened.

‘It’, in this instance was not an Islamikaze outburst. It was a "staff revolt" perpetrated by members of a cabal called the "National Union of Journalists". The staff was terrified that the mild mannered Islamakaze pinheads would pose "a very serious risk of violent and dangerous reprisals from religious fanatics who may take offence at these articles". One gutless wonder whined: "We were worried that the building might be attacked and we thought there would be people outside burning copies of the Daily Star." This and other alarmist drivel helped the cringing NUJ whiners persuade Richard and his minions to pull the "Daily Fatwa" page. Once again, humor/free speech is censored because Islamikazes are violence prone rat bastards with a short fuse and no sense of humor. This just in! Rampaging Islamikazes killed free speech in the U.K.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [12/12/06]

The War On Reason
"We are engaged in a vast battle to defend scientific, industrial civilization against irrationalism. Whether the enemy bombs the World Trade Center, abortion clinics, logging equipment, or medical research labs, the target is the same: reason--the use of reason to produce material values.

Hostility to global trade, to nuclear power, to DDT, to "urban sprawl," to Wal-Mart--it all comes from the same root and has the same meaning: antagonism towards man's life as a rational animal. Reason is man's basic means of survival. The life- giving power of reason is sensed by those who rail against the technological-industrial achievements of the West and particularly of America. Whether environmentalist or Islamist, they cannot abide the success of America. It stands as an unbearable reproach. It's America or their own irrational way of functioning, which they would rather blow themselves up than challenge and change." (Harry Binswanger commentary in Capitalism Magazine)

More Bovine Excrement from Ted Turner
"I just really wonder during the, during the last war [when W invaded Iraq], you know, what business did it have in the news sets to have the American flag flying in the background. Uh, I mean, it was like the news media covered the Iraq war, at least at the beginning of it, almost as like it was a football game with us versus them." (Michelle Malkin’s blog)

Love Is In The Air
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [10/07/06]

Cupid’s arrow hit its mark after fate seated 33 year old Michael Young next to 29 year old Juliet Lever on a flight from Belfast to Newcastle. The conversation was - we’re told - mutually enjoyable but Michael was just a tad too shy for his own good when it came to their inevitable parting. Since he didn’t have Juliet’s contact information, Michael took his story of love in the air to the airlines. We’re pleased to report that the suits at Flybe agreed to pass along a letter from Michael to his Juliet.

After the letter languished for two weeks at Juliet’s parents’ house, she got Michael’s letter and the rest, as they say is sweet history:

"We chatted for the duration of the flight but we never got round to asking if the other was single. That's probably the reason I didn't pluck up courage to ask Juliet for her number." (Michael’s sorry excuse)

"It was a real bolt out of the blue. Every girl dreams of a fairytale romance and you couldn't get better than this." (Juliet’s response to Michael’s letter)

After what the Manchester Evening News calls "a whirlwind romance", Michael and his Juliet are ready to unite in wedded bliss next month. PIG sends its best wishes to the happy couple. We also have a word of advice for our pal Michael: "You’ve already won her heart dude, so don’t wait for some padre’s permission. Go ahead and kiss your future bride now."

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Netflix offers $1M reward for ideas to beat Blockbuster. Submitter suggests "Rent porn" and waits for check

Advanced Alimony Avoidance Concepts
Source: PIG News Wire [10/04/06]

If you think you’ve heard every possible excuse for getting out of those alimony payments, get ready for a reality check. A tad over 18 months ago, a Florida dude named Lawrence Roach shed his bride of 17 years. Her departure came at a price - $1,200 a month in alimony, in addition to the usual property settlement. The fact that Lawrence wants out of those alimony payments isn’t newsworthy, until you add one tasty tidbit.

Lawrence thinks he should be excused from future alimony payments because his ex isn’t the woman she was when he married her. In fact, she isn’t, strictly speaking, a woman anymore. His ex has undergone a sex change operation and became - drum roll - a man. Lawrence claims it’s humiliating to be paying alimony to another man. No doubt, but we’re forced to ask the essential question: what happened during your marriage...what exactly did you do that made this sex change scam a viable option for your ex-wife?

The Smiley Face Caper
Source: AP [10/04/06]

Christine Smith found out the hard way that the killjoys running the Frederick Youth Sports Association (Frederick, Maryland) have no sense of humor whatsoever. She reached this intellectual epiphany while she was serving as an assistant coach for some 7 and 8 year old wenchlet cheerleaders at a youth football game. Determined to help her young ladies keep their spirits high, Christine painted a smiley face on her belly. Whenever she sensed that her girls needed a spiritual lift, she raised her shirt just enough to expose about 3 or 4 inches of her belly where her secret smiley face was painted.

Christine thought it was a way to inject fun in the proceedings, but certain killjoys disagreed:

‘...Association president Kathy Carey said three people complained about the incident and she agreed with them. "Pulling your shirt up is inappropriate and it's not what our organization is about. The community can understand we need to protect the kids and the integrity of the organization."...’ (AP)

For spreading her special brand of "no harm, no foul" joy, Christine and another volunteer cheerleader coach were banished.

Alarming Cell Phone News
Source: The Sun (U.K.) [10/01/06]

The technological terrorists who inflicted the cell phone on an unsuspecting world have - believe it or not - found a new way to make this technological pestilence much more annoying. Insisting that it’s a security system, these cellidiocy-perpetrating clowns found a spiffy way to make these cell phone blights make a sanity shattering sound:

‘...Security experts have devised a system which triggers a high-pitched screech on a mobile phone if it is stolen. The service is also designed to prevent thieves from using stolen phones and accessing the data contained on them. Under the new system, Remote XT, a signal is sent to the mobile once it is reported lost or stolen, causing it to emit an alarm similar to a scream...’ (Sun)

Once trigger, this alarm sends a "this phone is stolen" message, then disables the phone by removing ‘contact numbers, text, images, and e-mails’ (Sun). In theory, this makes stealing a cell blight less appealing, but this security doesn’t come cheap: £10 a month.

You’ll need to excuse me for a few minutes while I brainstorm a way to trigger this security goodie while I’m eating in my favorite restaurant. Instead of that cellidiot bellowing, I’d treat every phone in the place to a sanity shredding noise after which their cell blight would go belly up. Where do I sign up?

---

Politically Incorrect Capitalist Fun
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [09/29/06]

A Buckeye State car dealership, Dennis Mitsubishi, thrilled the towels off those pointy Islamikaze heads with a boom box ad campaign that leaves PIG green with envy. It sounds like something we should perpetrate here on our cyberspace speedbump. We're pleased to report that rampaging inkorrectness is alive and well in Ohio.

Dennis Mitsubishi starts by announcing that they're "launching a jihad on the automotive market'' . To put buyers in the proper automotive jihad spirit, the ad goes on to declare that their sales force will be dressed in burkas. Just getting started, the ad includes this award winning prose:

"Our prices are lower than the evildoers' every day. Just ask the pope!''
"Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies.''
'...[they're featuring rides that can] "comfortably seat 12 jihadists in the back.''

You don't need to consult Sherlock Holmes to deduce that the bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device with a resounding "splat" when reports of the ad hit the news cycle. By the time the News Nitwit tide crested, the Ohio infestation of CAIR was far from amused, demonstrating, again, that the being Mecca Maniac in good standing involves undergoing a humor-ectomy. Thanks to CAIR's relentless whining - past and present - not to mention the propensity that Islamikazes have for violent rampages, numerous gutless radio stations refused to book the ads.

Eventually, CAIR browbeat Dennis Mitsubishi into submission. Despite the fact that some courageous radio outlets were locked and loaded to run the ads, Dennis decided to pull the campaign. I don't blame them. Why spend money on an ad campaign when you just bagged that pot of advertising gold thanks to all the free publicity that the eager News Nitwits handed to Dennis on a silver platter. Thanks to CAIR's caterwauling, Dennis Mitsubishi is a car wrangling legend. PIG salutes Dennis Mitsubishi for its legendary Political Incorrectness. We look forward, with eager anticipation, to their next boom box ad campaign.

Ted Explains Everything
Source: PIG News Wire [09/28/06]

Guilt-ridden millionaire, Ted Turner, thinks that being rich gives him all the answers. Let’s take a quick look a some of Ted’s synaptic malfunctions:

"Men should be barred from public office for 100 years in every part of the world . . . It would be a much kinder, gentler, more intelligently run world.”

“One way to reduce such dangers [nuclear proliferation] in the world would be to leave women in charge. The men have had millions of years where we've been running things. We've screwed it up hopelessly. Let's give it to the women.”

Ted thinks that Cuba is a spiffy place, so spiffy that we need to cut them some slack and stop picking on them. He also thinks that we’re being much too hard on those notoriously peace loving Iranians. "We have 28,000 [nukes]. Why can’t they have 10?" Take the pill, Ted, and those voices will stop yammering at you.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/29/06]

Former Aussie Labor Leader Mark Latham on Aussie Males
"Australian mates and good blokes have been replaced by nervous wrecks, metrosexual knobs and tossbags."

"...neo-conservatism and its timid approach to social behaviour and language. [The Debate is] dominated by weasel words and the pretense of politeness". (Guardian)

Tabor R. Machan on Democracy
"Simple, unqualified democracy is not a just system of politics. It is no accident that, from Socrates to the American founders, many wise and prudent political thinkers have had doubts about democracy, per se. For what is so wonderful, or just, about a system that simply places the majority in a position of superiority, with the minority subordinate to it? If that majority is wrong, who cares that they’re more numerous?

In fact, the only kind of democracy that deserves support is the classical liberal variety, one strictly limited by the individual rights of the citizenry to their lives, liberty, property, religious worship, etc. Any democracy not limited by individual rights is no better than a dictatorship or a tyranny by one individual or a small group..."

W on the National Intelligence Assessment
"Some people have, you know, guessed what's in the report and have concluded that going into Iraq was a mistake. I strongly disagree. I think it's naive. I think it's a mistake for people to believe that going on the offense against people that want to do harm to the American people makes us less safe"

"If we weren't in Iraq, they'd find some other excuse because they have ambitions. They kill to achieve their objectives. The best way to protect America is to defeat these killers overseas so we don't have to face them at home." (Fox News)

Afghani President Hamid Karzai on Terrorism
"Terrorism was hurting us way before Iraq or September 11 ... These extremist forces were killing people in Afghanistan for years, closing schools, burning mosques, killing children, uprooting vineyards. They came to America on September 11, but they were attacking you before September 11 in other parts of the world. We are a witness in Afghanistan. Do you forget people jumping off the 80th floor or 70th floor when the planes hit them? Can you imagine what it will be for a man or woman to jump from that high?"

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/22/06]

Michael J. Hurd on Mecca Mania
"[Mecca Maniacs] understand that to advocate faith, wholeheartedly, is to enslave or kill those who don’t agree. Religion, in its undiluted and untamed form, leaves no room for disbelievers."

"The Muslims, who are a pretty angry bunch to begin with, on top of their anger that another religion dare disagree with them about anything, now also have to contend with their rage that Christianity has "lowered" itself to respecting the separation between church and state that all of the civilized world has adopted." (Capitalism Magazine)

Jack Kinsella on The Age of Irrationality
"It was during the 18th century's "Age of Reason" and 19th century's "Age of Enlightenment" the philosophies of liberalism and atheism were explored and codified, out of which grew the philosophy of modernism that dominated much of the thinking during the 20th century. From this point on, thinkers and writers were held to be free to pursue the truth in whatever form, without the threat of sanction for violating established ideas.

With the end of the Second World War and the rise of post-modernity, these same features came to be regarded as liabilities - excessive specialization, failure to heed traditional wisdom or provide for unintended consequences.

By the end of the 20th century, the natural progression of these philosophies resulted in much of the Western world entering what many call the post-Christian era.

Now, in the 21st century, a new philosophy is taking over the West. For want of a better name, one might call it the 'post-rational' era.

The previously mentioned philosophies gave great credibility to reason and logic. As the 21st century opens, these bedrock principles of rational thought are being thrown out the window in favor of what can best be described as wishful thinking.

We wish that Islam is a religion of peace and love, and therefore, no preponderance of evidence to the contrary is enough to shake that dream.

We wish the United Nations was an effective tool of international diplomacy and peace, and therefore, the preponderance of evidence that it disinterested in the former and incapable of the latter will not be entertained." (The Omega Letter)

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Unclear on just who it is they're dealing with, Muslims worldwide demand the Pope back down and apologize. Because threats of bodily harm are what the 'Religion of Peace' is all about.

Pope Benedict criticizes Islam, Muslims worldwide preparing a reasonable, proportionate response. As they always do.

 

Fark Teaser of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

When "the most powerful armor ever deployed by a UN peacekeeping force is 13 French tanks", with a total of 117 reverse gears among them, you can start to understand the ineffectiveness of UN peacekeeping. [09/14/06]

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/15/06]

On the morality of murdering animal researchers
"I don't think you'd have to kill, assassinate too many. I think for 5 lives, 10 lives, 15 human lives, we could save a million, 2 million or 10 million nonhuman lives.'' (Trauma surgeon, Dr. Jerry Vlasak, leader of the North American Animal Liberation Front)

Pope sounds off on scientific reason’s frightening impact on African true believers
"People in Africa and Asia admire our scientific and technical prowess, but at the same time, they are frightened by a form of rationality that totally excludes God from man's vision, as if this were the highest form of reason."

"Social issues and the Gospel are inseparable. When we bring people only knowledge, ability, technical competence and tools, we bring them too little." (Pope Benedict XVI as quoted by Reuters)

Love Triangle of the Century
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks Page [09/15/06]

Love triangles epics are, as the trite saying goes, a dime a dozen. But, I’m willing to bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor that you never hear one like this epic. The drama unfolds in Sicily where passions are notoriously high at the best of times. It begins when Silvia returns home to find her lover, Carmelo, in bed with another woman, a married woman. Going postal, Silvia set fire to the house where - in addition to being Carmelo’s bedmate - she toiled as his housekeeper. When Carmelo emerged with his married lover, mild-tempered Silvia greeted him with a machete and convincing death threats. The intended mayhem was stopped by onlookers who grabbed and restrained her.

We know what you’re thinking and you’d be right, in any other case. As spiffy as this story is, it’s nothing that rates "Love Triangle of the Century". Too true, until you get your Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story. Carmelo is 70 years old Father Carmel Mantarro. Silvia, his lover of 4 years and a woman who had two abortions at his behest, is Sister Silvia Gomes De Sousa. That’s right PIGsters a nun tried to kill her lover the priest when she caught him in bed with a married woman. "Love Triangle of the Century"? You better damn believe it.

Update: A judge let Sister Silvia out on bail while she faces charges for ‘threats to kill and arson’. Attention Father Carmelo, mild mannered Sylvia is back on the streets. Be afraid dude, be very afraid.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Kansans discover mastadon fossil that was placed there by God to test their faith or something. (09/08/06)

The good news is, the Bush administration has a new plan for trying Gitmo prisoners. The bad news is, if you float, you're a terrorist. (09/06/06)

Amazing Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [09/08/06]

Big Apple (New York)
A former executive with Sigma USA, Yoshio Yamaki, was starting to get stir crazy after spending 6 weeks in a Big Apple graybar hotel. A dude who can’t say no when it comes to his appetites, Yoshi landed in the graybar after he got busted for using $7 million dollars of the company’s money to fund his gambling habit. What to do? Yoshi’s solution, was, to say the least, a eye-opener.

It’s not breaking news when a dude talks his wife into helping raise the $350,000 in bail money to spring him. But, when was the last time you heard about the wife showing up to spring her hubby accompanied by her hubby’s mistress? Even the presiding judge in the Brooklyn Federal Court was suitably impressed:

‘...Magistrate Judge Lois Bloom uncovered the love-triangle after she asked a few routine questions of the bond-signers.

"I am the wife," Hiroko Yamaki informed Bloom through an interpreter.

"I met him in a restaurant...We live together," explained Megumi Tsuji, who is a hostess in a Japanese restaurant.

The judge appeared momentarily flustered and explained she did not intend to embarrass the women. "Mr. Yamaki, you are an incredibly lucky man," Bloom said...’ (NY Daily News)

It’s a damn shame that Yoshi isn’t as lucky at the gambling tables as he is in the romance department. Life is so unfair that way.

Snyder (Oklahoma)
If you’re looking for a job, we might have a hot tip for you. We know for a fact that Snyder is in the market for a Chief of Police, a mayor and at least one - perhaps two - city councilmen. The openings are the latest chapter in the furor that embroiled the town thanks to former Police Chief Tod Ozmun’s wife, Doris. Doris, is, to say the least, a piece of work.

The bovine excrement hit the fan with a deafening "splat" after some pervert found, downloaded and circulated images of a nude Doris posted on an "adult porn Web site". Faster than a DLS data bit, at least 70 townspeople swarmed into city hall demanded that Chief Ozmun be fired. Unwilling to face the clamoring mob, the city council went into executive session and emerged 20 minute late with this gem:

‘..."Under the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, and adjudicated by the Supreme Court of the United States on may occasions, pornography or, in the case of Snyder, adult pictures, is a right under the First Amendment and no laws have been broken.

As Mayor and council of the city of Snyder...we do not endorse pornography, however, we do endorse an individual’s rights under the First Amendment."...’ (AP)

Doris tried to calm the trouble waters with a statement that accepted full personal responsibility, asserted her First Amendment rights and made it clear that her adult modeling career had nothing whatsoever to do with the Snyder Police Department or the city of Snyder. She might as well have saved her breath because the mob wanted her hubby’s head on a platter and they got it.

On Friday, the chief, the mayor and a city council member resigned, citing the on-going furor as the reason. That should end the matter, but the uproar still seems to be at a fever pitch. Despite the fact that the Chief resigned and his wife removed the images from the Internet, the District Attorney is trying to get his pound of flesh via an investigation by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. All things considered, we’re putting this gem in the "stay tuned" pile.

Fair Warning: We know what you’re thinking horndog Sparky and we’re compelled to pour ice water on those blazing nads with this quote from Chief Ozmun about his bride: "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds. If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to."

According to our news sources, Doris’s other pertinent info includes: 43 years old, tattooed, got out of the slammer in 2005 after a two year graybar stint on drug-related charges.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [09/08/06]

Mahmoud Throws Down The Gauntlet
"We requested a face-to-face debate (with Bush) to assess the problems of the world...We will let humanity choose between us...We oppose the fact that America and Britain intend to impose themselves on every other nation. Those who do not respond to the invitation (to follow God's will), as we said, will have no good fate. I do not threaten anybody, but the whole universe threatens you. The current of life in the universe opposes you, as it opposes tyranny." (Iran's presidential wingnut as quoted by Reuters)

The Terminator Likes His Women Spicy
"[A certain Puerto Rican Assemblywoman is] very hot. I mean Cuban, Puerto Rican, they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it." (Mexifornia's Action Hero Governor as quoted by the L.A. Times)

A Rugged American Individual
Source: PIGster Bill Taylor [09/06/06]

[His name is Sheriff Joe Arpaio. He keeps the peace in Maricopa County, Arizona. His stellar notions on crime and punishment are worth a second look.]

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails.

Took away their weights. Cut of off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

---

Strange, True and Compelling
Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06]

Dream Date
When the time came to get a date for an important school-related social event - the Year 12 formal dance this coming November - Daniel Dibley decided to go for the gold. He tracked down the contact information for his dream date, then sent her a nifty invite:

"I feel this would be a great honour for both Ms Hawkins and me. She could fly up to Bathurst as there are flights daily and I would book accommodation for Ms Hawkins at Lochinvar Cottages, which is situated on the famous Mount Panorama looking over Bathurst and is the only five star accommodation in the Bathurst Region.''

Utterly charmed by the teenage lad’s well planned invitation, Ms. Hawkins - Jennifer "Miss Universe Australia" Hawkins - accepted the invitation, making Daniel Dibley a teenage lad legend. From the bottoms of our PIGish hearts we congratulate Daniel for his stunning dating coup. A date with a Miss Universe hottie! Daniel, dude, you are the man!

Update: We regret to report that Jennifer is backing out of her date, but her reason is a good one. The minute this story hit the Aussie news cycle, a feeding frenzy ensued that shows no sign of letting up. Unwilling to subject herself and Daniel to this media circus, she contacted him and called off the date. That’s a bummer, but the news isn’t all bad for Daniel. Jennifer asked if Daniel would agree to a lunch date with Jennifer in Bathurst. Since Daniel isn’t insane, he agreed in record time. PIG is pleased to report that Daniel will still get his dream date with a Miss Universe hottie. Daniel, dude, you are still the man!

Verizon’s Bait and Switch - Update
Before we get to our update, we’ll remind you of Verizon’s antics as reported in last week’s News Digest:

Bait & switch is alive and well in the USA. Verizon Communications started this bait & switch adventure when, with suitable fanfare, they helped nudge the FCC into cancelling a Nanny State surcharge on digital subscriber lines. Under the old surcharge, DSL customers paid a monthly fee of $2.83 or $1.25 depending on their connection speed. The surcharge was - in theory - used to "bring service to lower income and rural areas". Big, big fun.

On August 14, the Nanny State dropped the surcharge, but Verizon - champion of the consumer that they are - decided to impose their own connection speed-related surcharge on their thrilled spitless customers. The new surcharge - $1.20 or $2.70 - is essentially identical to the old one, but this one is pocketed by Verizon, not Uncle Sam. That’s gotta make certain DSL consumers thrilled spitless that they went with Verizon.

Fast forward to the present and Verizon is dumping its bait and switch antics like a bad habit. Why? It might have something to do with the dime that the FCC dropped on the company when they heard about these Verizon fun and games. The gem that motivated Verizon is called a "letter of inquiry". According to our news source this is "the first step in a formal investigation". Since Verizon wanted no part of an FCC inquisition, they dropped their surcharge plan, trying to save face by citing "feedback from consumers".

Don’t Try This At Home
Determined to inspire his faithful flock, Pastor Franck Kabele stunned everybody with his announcement. Citing a message he’d just received on his personal hotline to heaven, Pastor Kabele revealed that, fortified by his faith, he would duplicate the Cross Dude’s walking on water exploits. Leading his thrilled spitless congregation to a nearby beach, he proclaimed his daring plan to walk across the Komo estuary - a 20 minute boat trip. If you see where this is headed, don’t spoil it for those slower on the uptake.

Faith, we’re assured, will move mountains, but apparently, faith will not give the water in the Komo estuary the tensile strength to support a fully grown, allegedly human true believer. Pastor Kabele discovered that fun fact through trial and error when he walked into the water, and quickly disappeared beneath the waves. He walked, he disappeared, he died, sums up Franck’s final moments. File this human gene pool improvement epic under "maybe this revelation lost something in the translation" in your human gene pool improvement archives.

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06]

A Fed-Up Israeli Columnist Calls for Regime Change
"For more than 20 years, Israeli prime ministers have come to office pledging to be leaders for all the people, only to exacerbate existing divides and create new ones. Why not tap the one leader who has managed to unite the Israeli people as has no prime minister in memory?

It goes beyond the war itself. Only [Hezbollah leader Hassan] Nasrallah succeeded in putting an end to what has been the central rift in Israeli society for the past four decades: He has effectively stilled the arguments for and against the concept of land-for-peace. Nobody's about to give up anything now. Certainly not in the one place everyone cares about, the West Bank.

The right and the left are closer than they have been at any time since June, 1967. The right, having already lost Gaza, has seen its Greater Israel dream shattered. The left, having been rocketed by Hamas, the Jihad, and Hezbollah, has seen its bedrock ideology - End War by Ending Occupation - reduced to rubble.

Finally, here is a leader who carries no moral baggage. The world expects nothing of him morally, so there is the merest of outcry when he attacks civilian targets. Nasrallah has a proven record." (Bradley Burston, in an Israeli fishwrap Haaretz)

Rumsfeld Compares 21st Century Appeasers to 20th Century Nazi Appeasers
‘...Rumsfeld said that as fascism and Nazism took hold in Europe, those who warned of a coming crisis were ridiculed or ignored. He quoted Winston Churchill as observing that trying to accommodate Hitler was "a bit like feeding a crocodile, hoping it would eat you last."

"I recount this history because once again we face similar challenges in efforts to confront the rising threat of a new type of fascism. Can we truly afford to believe that somehow, some way, vicious extremists can be appeased? Can we truly afford to return to the destructive view that America - not the enemy - is the real source of the world's troubles?" (AP)

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

Top tourist attractions criticized for only offering burgers, fries and sodas, rather than healthy foods. Because nothing makes a day out more special than trying to force carrot sticks and bottled water into your four-year-old.

Secret Service: "Hello, Virginia DOT? Could you please close down all carpool lanes leaving Washington DC so the President can easily get to and from a fundraiser for George Allen?" VDOT; "Die in a fire."

Things That Go "Bump" and Other Strange Stuff
Source: PIG News Wire [08/24/06]

Don’t Come Any Closer, I’ve Got a Blender
The drama began Monday when Ocean City (Maryland) cops encountered a West Virginia dude who identified himself as Osama Bin Laden. After the local shrinks deemed Osama (real name = Tena Bergeno) good to go, he was back on the streets Wednesday. Noting that our hero was still acting weird, cops tried to stop him, at which point the real fun ensued:

Osama jumped into a car and took off like a scalded mutt.
The police were hot on his heels.
Osama narrowly missed two cars before plowing into three cars at a stop light.
When the cops approached Osama’s disabled car, he - we are not making this up - held them at bay with a blender.

Eventually the cops bagged Osama/Tena then charged him/it with fleeing and eluding, hit and run, second degree assault, plus a laundry list of traffic infractions. At press time, Osama/Tena is back with the head shrinkers, who, hopefully will come to the obvious conclusion. Osama/Tena is nuttier than a fruitcake.

Two Heads Are Better Than One?
A dothead dude from the Uttar Pradesh state in northern India has a very rare form of an already rare condition called "diphallus". Cutting to the chase, this dude was born with two wangs, both of which are fully functional. It’s the dual functionality part that makes this case especially rare, since, usually one of the wangs sported by a diphallus afflicted dude is "rudimentary" (decorative, for the lack of a better word). Dual, fully functional wangs would make him a very popular dude in certain circles. Holy all night party, Batman!

We’re amazed to report that this 24 year old double-wanged dude admitted himself to a New Delhi hospital to have one of his wangs whacked off. Excuse me while I take a brief timeout, because typing that last sentence was understandably painful. Ahhh, that’s much better. PIG strongly suggests that this dude rethink his decision and consider the possibilities. The first thought that comes to our dirty minds is the fun fact that he could make a fortune - a veritable king’s ransom in porn flicks. We’re talking never work a day in your damn life here money, dude and you want to throw it all away. Whatever he decides, we wish him well, but urge him to road test some of the possibilities before he does something drastic.

Drunk Driving for THAT?
Adrian Whitaker is no stranger to the Knebworth (England) cops. He’s so unsafe at any speed that the local authorities hit him with a driving ban. His solution seems to be bulletproof but humor-challenged cops tend to disagree. This week, after downing a staggering 20 pints of Guinness, he got onto his ride and started home. When the cops stopped him, Adrian was so potted that he fell off the ride and landed at the officer’s feet. That easily, Adrian was nailed for operating a horse and cart while intoxicated. Call us names if you insist, but we think this drunk operation of a horse and cart is a crock, and you can quote us on that.

Free Adrian. Free Adrian. Free Adrian.

Unsafe at Any Speed
A Port Richey denizen named Michael Wiley is, to say the least, a menace to navigation whenever he gets behind the wheel of his green Corvette. In order to feel "free", Michael climbs behind the wheel then ventures forth to thrill everybody with his high speed antics. Making Michael especially noteworthy is the fun fact that our Mikey doesn’t have any arms. What passes for steering is accomplished by jamming his left stump into the steering wheel. That might explain why on his "freedom seeking" jaunts frequently end with a thunderous "crash".

The ultimate paradox is a spiffy one. Mikey needs to get in his car and drive to feel "free". But, his unsafe at any speed antics, invariably send him to jail. So far, he’s been nabbed 19 times for driving on a revoked or suspended license. When Mikey starts careening down those Florida roads at 120 mph, the safest place to be is Saturn.

Buy A Damn Belt, Sparky
Dallas (Mexas) is poised to attack the number one problem plaguing that Lone Star State city. Tired of looking at some twerps underwear, because he, she, heshe or it is wearing his drawers down around their knees, a Dallas school trustee is enlisting support on the city council. He wants them to prohibit pants that hang well below the waist, leaving the underwear flapping in the breeze. The dude’s name is Ron Price and he’s determined to make these showoffs cover up for a change:

‘...Mr. Price said he wants the city to create an ordinance or strengthen one that prohibits public lewdness. Such a rule would affect mainly young adults and children, some of whom get their pants several sizes too big to achieve the saggy effect. "To me, it's disrespectful and dishonorable to women for men to walk around with their bottoms showing," Mr. Price said...’ (Dallas Morning News)

The fun fact hiding near the end of this story is that this type of fashion statement is already banned in the school system in which Ron Price toils. But, eager to increase his name recognition, aspiring city councilman Price wants to impose these rules on sovereign individuals throughout the city. As much as I might detest seeing some clown’s skivvies, I damn sure don’t think it’s any of the Nanny State’s damn business. Grow a pair, Ron and get over it already. Don’t make me come over there.

Not In Front of My Mother!
Uncharacteristically alert security minions at O’Hare Airport were suitably alarmed when a routine inspection of a passenger’s luggage produced a round, black object that looked suspiciously like a grenade. When asked about it, Mardin Azad Amin sized up his situation then boldly proclaimed that the item in question was indeed a bomb. Detention ensued, and that, it seems, should end the story. It should end the story but doesn’t.

When questioned further, back in security dweeb central, our hero explained his actions. The suspicious item wasn’t an explosive, but it could blow up in Amin’s face, if he admitted its true purpose while his mother was standing right behind him. The item is, in fact, part of Amin’s "penis pump", a tidbit that he wasn’t about to blurt it out in front of mom. Amin, dude, she knows now and thanks to your "it’s a bomb" whopper, you’re facing a felony disorder charge that could land you in the slammer for 3 years.

Critter Crisis In Olympia
The AP headline - we are not making this up - says it all: "Psycho Killer Raccoons Terrorize Olympia". A gang of these furry urban terrorists is on a rampage in an Olympia (Washington) community. So far, their reign of terror has exterminated 10 cats, ripped a small dog a new one, and inflicted painful bites on a human who tried to interfere with their rampage. The U.S. Department of Agriculture is marshaling its forces to deal with the situation. Stay tuned to PIG for updates on this fast breaking story. PIG’s ‘Critter Rampage Threat Level’ is now officially "Holy Crap!" in the three block area of Olympia near the Garfield Nature Trail. If you live in the besieged area, "lock and load" is the order of the day.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

In a display of marksmanship heretofore seen only from the LAPD, Hezbollah uses 250 rockets to kill one Israeli.

Stranger Than Fiction
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [08/18/06]

Stupid Human Trick I
It's called "Ghost riding", but music lovers might know it as "Ghost Riding the whip", since it is a stunt popularized by what ABC News calls 'popular rapper E-40 , who has a song where he repeatedly chants, "Ghost ride the whip' ("whip" is slang for a car). Ghost riding is the latest car-related teenage frivolity which traces its origins back to the venerable "Chinese Fire Drill" (at a stop light or stop sign, everyone jumps out of the car, sprints a lap around it then jumps back into it again). Next came a stunt that has been very helpful when it comes to human gene pool improvement: "car surfing" (standing on top of a ride while it's in motion). Big, big fun.

Ghost riding involves a driver jumping out of his ride while it’s in motion then dancing, running or walking beside the moving, uncontrolled ride. You'll be thrilled to hear that teens are posting videos of their exploits on the information superhighway. Some "ghost rides" end uneventfully, but others result in - big shock - the car doing a header into the proverbial immovable object. If you can't wait to get started with your first ghost ride, be advised that it won't count if you don't play E-40's song while you're perpetrating this "unsafe at any speed antic". If you manage to off yourself in this asinine manner, do PIG a huge favor, and add a clause to your last will and testament that forces your next of kin to alert us so we can log your contribution in our human gene pool improvement archives.

Stupid Human Trick II
Determined to thwart richly-deserved Darwinian retribution for certain intellectual flat-liners, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers black-flagged "tube kiting" on lakes in Middle Tennessee. For those blissfully unaware of "tube kiting" be advised that it involves towing an inflatable rubber raft behind a fast-moving boat until the raft becomes airborne. The usual speed required is 25-35 mph and the average height achieved is about 70 feet above the water.

When the inevitable happens, those falling from the "flying" boat can sustain a laundry list of predictable injuries: broken necks, broken ribs, chest or back injuries, plus, in at least 2 instances, death. Saving the chronically stupid from themselves? You better believe it, Army Corps of Engineers Sparky.

Golden "D’oh" Contender
It's not breaking news when the relevant bureaucrats post warning signs on highways and byways to warn of road work ahead. In Wales, it's not newsworthy when the relevant warning sign is posted in Welsh and English. By now you gotta know that the sign in question is fatally flawed or it wouldn't make the Golden Oinks cut.

The temporary sign posted by the road work taking place at a Barons Court roundabout between Penarth and Cardiff warns bike riders "cyclists dismount" in English. In theory, the accompanying Welsh prose - "llid y bledren dymchwelyd" - means the same thing. In theory. However, this Welsh prose actually means "bladder disease has returned" when translated into English. We're not sure what this has to do with bike riders and their encounter with road work and neither does any Welsh speaking rational adult. New, corrected, signs are in the works, but not in time to stop the laughter from amazed and amused PIGsters.

Quotes of The Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/17/06]

Siberian-Americans whine about Washington Redskins
"There is no compromise with racism. Power concedes nothing. You have to go in and make change happen...The Washington football club name has been determined by three trademark judges and the majority of native Americans to be offensive...This public act of allegiance by Native American youth with the efforts of their elders to combat intolerance is truly heroic and reflects a courageous willingness on the part of these young people to protect Native peoples from slurs and vulgarities." (Suzan Shown Harjo, president of the Morning Star Institute as quoted by AP)

Sandbox gets huffy about "Islamo-Fascism"
"(Saudi Arabia) warns of accusing Muslims of terrorism and fascism without considering the history of the pure Islamic civilization. What Islam is being charged with today, such as fascism, is primarily the result of Western cultural heritage.
Terrorism has no religion and no nationality." (Official statement released by the Sandbox's government)

CAIR gets huffy about "Islamic fascists"
“The use of ill-defined hot-button terms such as ‘Islamic fascists,’ ‘militant jihadism,’ ‘Islamic radicalism’ or ‘totalitarian Islamic empire’ harms our nation's image and interests worldwide, particularly in the Islamic world.” (Council on American-Islamic Relations board member, Parvez Ahmed in a letter to W)

Warren Beatty whines about the vast right-wing conspiracy
“People hate celebrities...There has been a demonization of celebrities on the part of the far right. Look, Bruce Springsteen went out for [John] Kerry in Ohio, and they even made him look bad - and Springsteen is a saint." (Beatty quote from "I feel Earthquakes More Often Than They Happen" by Amy Wilentz)

Reverend Al paints a bull’s-eye on "Gangsterism"
"We have got to get out of this gangster mentality, acting as if gangsterism and blackness are synonymous. I think that challenge has to be given to Hollywood and the record industry. I think we've allowed a whole generation of young people to feel that if they're focused, they're not black enough. If they speak well and act well, they're acting white, and there's nothing more racist than that."

"Nobody broke in my house in Brooklyn and dragged me out the projects and made me a leader, I wanted to do that. Clearly, we would work with young people who want to do the work."

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site [08/12]

"Cuba is so convinced that we're going to attack them, they've rallied their troops -- most of whom happen to be in their 60s and 70s -- to yell at us to stay off their lawn." [08/06/06]

"Death row inmate complaining bitterly that he only gets nine TV channels in his cell and they're all terrible. The violin playing for this guy is of subatomic dimensions." [08/05]

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/12/06]

Mark Morford on music lyrics and sexual activity in teenagers
"Wait-wait-wait, don't they have it exactly backward? Doesn't the fact that you're a sexually desperate, hormone-blasted teen make you all that much more likely to crave music that reflects your surging desires? Are you not, after all, just another misinformed and misled American teenager, weaned on a sickly diet of insidious abstinence programs and lousy sex ed and horribly mixed messages about sex and love and your body? But it does not matter, because all of that is easily crushed by a pile of hormones so raging and sexually desirous you think you will jump out of your skin at any moment?

Hence, are you not merely seeking music to match this feeling? Is it not a case of which came first, the eager chicken or the throbbing, groovy egg? Of course it is.

From what I can recall, the music I loved (and still love) was as much a balm and mirror and therapist for my pimpled and tormented young soul as it was any sort of motivation or shaper of sexual attitude. And truly, the music was a minor accomplice when compared to, say, those early Penthouse Forum letters. Or the existence of tight jeans. Or Denet Whitaker's skin. Note to researchers: Isolate one aspect at your peril. If you divorce one random influence from the context of a teen's manic life, the significance of your point simply collapses." (San Francisco Chronicle)

Joe Lieberman on the latest Jihadikaze plot
"I'm worried that too many people ... don't appreciate the seriousness of the threat to American security and the evil of the enemy that faces us, more evil or as evil as Nazism and probably more dangerous than the Soviet communists...If we just pick up like Ned Lamont wants us to do, get out by a [certain] date ..., it will be taken as a tremendous victory by the same people who wanted to blow up these planes in this plot hatched in England. How the heck can we be in a battle in which we are fighting as Democrats and Republicans against each other when these terrorists certainly don't distinguish based on party affiliation? They want to kill any and all of us." (AP)

Things that Go "Bump" and Other Fun Stuff
Source: PIG News Wire [08/11/06]

Is THAT Illegal TOO!
An Aussie political hack took the adage - "everyone needs a hobby" - to heart and it landed him in the justice system bull's-eye. To put this as delicately as possible, Steve-o is snake-fascinated by the Southern Exposure of a North-bound female. No matter what kind of junk a female has in her trunk, Steve-o loves gazing at it. Steve-o's butt fetish reached critical mass when a humor-challenged eunuch working in an Aussie photo lab told the proper authorities that Steve-o dropped off two rolls of film that contained photos of female posteriors doing all sorts of everyday things.

When the cops raided Steve-o's home, they found more of the same. In addition to 150 of his favorite photos on display, they found "hundreds" more in folders. Here's a quick rundown on Steve-o's collection:

'...His extensive collection featured images of a 60-year-old woman’s behind, women runners bending over a starting block and a lady wearing Lycra bike shorts before a run, to name a few. Conspicuously absent from his collection of tushies? Ladies in denim. Rehgenzani told cops that he did not like women in jeans...' (Fox)

The relevant authorities pinned a "stalking" label on Steve-o's antics, a designation that seems like overkill. He never "stalked" anybody. He simply availed himself of "targets of opportunity" who happened to cross his path. His antics never impacted the subject of his adoration and, by all accounts, his "hobby" seems relatively harmless, unless you're living in a Korrectnik infested realm like Melbourne. If someone wants to start a Steve-o defense fund, count me in, because nailing him for a "crime" for this crap is Korrectness on goddamn steroids.

[PIG thanks PIGster DoubleEdge for the news tip.]

Get A Room, Dude
Alarmed by the erratic swerving perpetrated by a Norwegian motorist, the cops in Laksevag decided to go investigate. No doubt, they expected to find a differently-sober driver. In this instance, the truth lay elsewhere. When they finally stopped the car, the cops found that the front seats were laid flat so the driver and his female companion could put out the inferno caused by their rampaging hormones. The driver freely admitted that he and his passion playmate were "unable to contain their lust". Big, big fun.

The couple won't need to worry about combining passion with travel now that the horndog driver had his driving privileges revoked. PIG suggests that after he's done trying to extricate himself from a laundry list of driving infractions, this horndog should take a hint and "Get a damn room" before he kills somebody.

Watch Out For The...SPLAT!
Acting on a tip that the driver of a certain Monte Carlo was involved in a series of shootings, the Nashville police tried to pull the car over. Unwilling to go quietly, the driver took off and led the police on a 7 mile long car chase. Unable to shake the cops in their ride, the car's occupants bailed out to take their chances on foot. Ducking into a domicile's backyard, the pair hopped the fence and tried to elude the cops by crossing the railroad tracks. One of the punks made it, the other got an instant room temperature transition when a freight train creamed him. Batting .500 is stellar in any league, and this is no exception. File this one under "one down, one to go" in your human gene pool improvement archives.

When Critter Attack
Denizens of Winter Park (Florida) were in a panic because a certain bipolar member of genus Sciurus was making a trip to the city's Central Park more thrilling that anyone wants or needs. Between August 1 and August 4, at least two Winter Park tykes had a close encounter with this furry terrorist's dark side during recent trips to the park. Holy squirrel bite reign of terror, Batman!

We're pleased to report that the "all clear" has sounded in Winter Park. The furry terrorist in question is now in captivity and under going intense interrogations at Club Gitmo. ACLU lawyers are rumored to be mounting a legal challenge to this affront on the squirrel's Constitutional rights.

Technological Tussle In Hoboken
It's called a "robotic garage" and it's on the cutting edge of ride storage technology. The fully automated car wrangling technology makes "more efficient use of space eliminating ramps and driving lanes, lifting and sliding automobiles into slots and shuffling them as needed" (Wired).

'...The lifts act independently of each other, and move in many directions, instead of just up and down. Every entry/exit station can accommodate 40 cars per hour, and every space is essentially a separate machine acting cooperatively. As the lot is used, it learns when particular cars tend to be picked up and dropped off and shuffles its load to optimize pickup time...' (Wired)

The computerized brain of this amazing ride storage concept depends on computer software from a Clearwater, Florida firm named Robotic Parking. Although the garage belongs to the city of Hoboken (New Jersey), ownership of that critical software program is retained by Robotic Parking. This fun fact caused the robotic garage to shut down recently, when Hoboken officials evicted Robotic Parking's employees from the high tech ride storage facility a few days before the contract between the city and Robotic expired.

Since the city was licensing Robotic's software on a month-to-month basis, Robotic pulled the plug on its software, shutting down the automated structure completely. By kicking out Robotic, the city kicked out Robotic's technical expertise and Robotic's intellectual property rights to the software. Without Robotic and its software, the automated parking gizmo shut down and stayed shut down because nobody in the vast Hoboken bureaucracy knew how to reboot the software. It took several days of wrangling, but, eventually, Robotic allowed Hoboken access to those imprisoned rides under the terms of a 3-year licensing agreement for a low, low, $5,500 a month.

Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site

"Hugo Chavez receives Iran's highest honor, the Iron Thorn in the Great Satan's Side." [07/31]

"Yum taking over Pizza Hut, marking the first time the two terms have appeared in the same statement." [07/31]

Quotes of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [08/04/06]

The Proposed Internet Gambling Ban (Walter Williams Commentary in Capitalism Magazine)

"Congress' constitutional contempt is nothing new, but this latest act is quite a step down the slippery slope toward greater control of our lives. Let's look at some of their justifications. Rep. Goodlatte says, "Internet gambling is a scourge on our society. It causes innumerable problems in our society." Rep. John Duncan, R-Tenn., says, "The Internet is addictive for many people anyway, and online gambling can be doubly addictive." Most other justifications follow the same line of reasoning; namely, there are Americans who don't know what's good for them, and it's the job of Congress to stop them from personal indiscretions.

The Internet Gambling Prohibition Act gives Congress the authority to go to an Internet Service Provider (ISP) and order that they not provide linkages to online gambling establishments. If you think Congress will be satisfied with restrictions only on gambling establishments, you're going to be disappointed. After all, the Internet provides people with access to other establishments that can be said to "cause innumerable problems in our society." There are various hate groups with Internet sites that spew vile propaganda. There are pornographic sites. There are sites that present political ideas or religious fanaticism that are offensive to many people and can "cause innumerable problems in our society." If the Internet Gambling Prohibition Act is approved, it will become a precedent for congressional control over other aspects of the Internet and an important loss in our liberty."

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Assorted Oddities
Source: Golden Oinks 2006 [07/27/06]

Fish Story
While deep sea fishing with his dad off Burmuda, Ian Card got up close and personal with the dark underbelly of Mother Nature. Ian and his dad Alan are both experienced marlin fishermen, but neither was prepared for the way their quarry turned the tables on Ian. The drama unfolded after Ian hooked an 800 pound, 14 foot long marlin and started reeling the critter toward the boat. Moments after hooking the fish, Ian got the shock of his 32 year old life when the fish made a run toward the boat jumped out of the water and impaled Ian just below his collar bone with the long, rounded spear extending from its snout. The impact knocked Ian out of the boat and into the ocean. While Ian struggled to free himself from the marlin's built-in sword, dad cut the fishing line and hauled his son back into the boat. Doctors who worked on Ian told him that the marlin came thisclose to rendering Ian room temperature.

This may be the only time since Ahab eluded Moby Dick where the one who got away is the human and the unlucky story teller is the fish. Bold new concept.

Road Hazard
While speeding through the Colorado foothills on her bike, triathlete Sabrina Oei did a header into a very unusual road hazard: Ursus americanus. The incident happened so fast that Sabrina was riding one moment and found herself splattered on the ground the next. Sabrina managed to ram her bike into a black bear who didn't feel like yielding the right of way. Fortunately, the collision of bike into bear was a casualty free affair that left both Sabrina and the bear shaken, but not stirred, with a story to take back to their respective home boys and girls. I suspect that Sabrina will find a more receptive audience than the bear who is going to be the laughingstock of the Colorado foothills. I can hear the bear's buddies now: "You got hit by a what! Give me a break." Life is so unfair that way.

Drivers Test
A 16 year old Michigan lad perpetrated one of the most memorable driving tests in all of recorded history. By the time the test ended, both the driver and the driver's license examiner, Gregory Desmet, were in the hospital recovering from their respective injuries. In addition to the human wear and tear, the teenager managed to rack up an impressive list of driving test infractions:

'...The teen, whose name was not released, drove the 2004 black Jeep Cherokee above speed limits, hit four cars and rolled over before going airb