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PIG NEWS DIGEST | BEYOND AMERIKA | INTERNATIONAL IDIOCY

International News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [11/07/08]

Health & Safety Halfwits Strike Again
With their heads lodged up their butts, the minions at Waterworld in Prudhoe (J.O.E.), hit the visitors to their adventure in swimmin’ hole capitalism with thrilling news. They would no longer provide floats (inner tubes, water wings) to tykes whose swimming skills aren’t up to the challenge, yet. Why? Because some tyke might get germs left on the float by its last user.

One father who told The Sun he was "amazed" when lifeguards would not give his five-year-old son a float. He said: "I pointed out to the staff that surely it's more of a health and safety risk if the child sinks because they don't have a float. I was just gobsmacked by this."

Pool operator North Country Leisure also has the same rule at venues in nearby Hexham and Alnwick. Director of operations Darren Lamb said: "We normally provide floats when it is safe to do so. On this occasion there was obviously a reason why it wasn't given and I can only apologise. We don't provide inflatable devices such as rings or water wings for hygiene reasons." (Ananova)

Apparently, common sense is as dead as T-Rex in J.O.E., because nobody at this water park considered WASHING THEM OFF, after each user turned in the float.

Grabbing the Bull By The Horns
In that split second between the desperado’s "This is a stick-up" and Joe Meredith’s instinctive "Holy Crap", the 67 year old owner of the Gisborn Hotel bottle store (New Zealand) did something insane, insanely heroic. Staring down the barrel of the robber’s sawed-off shotgun, Joe the Capitalist grabbed the gun by the barrel and fought against the desperado. Joe kept up the tussle long enough for help to arrive, then bag, tag and drag the 22-year old punk to the Kiwi graybar.

Shaken, but far from stirred, Joe Meredith is back on the job, where he steadfastly refuses to discuss his heroism. We’re very impressed with Joe, who has some serious nads in a crisis. But what, you ask, do those badge packing scolds think of Joe’s crimestopping actions? You might be surprised. I certainly was:

"He has made a decision that he had to do something and he has done it. It is probably the right decision in the circumstances to be honest but it is not the sort of behaviour we encourage. I don't think he was left with any choice and he has done what he had to do." (Detective Sergeant Steve Smith)

How dangerous was the desperado? Very, since he kept on fighting after the police arrived to bag, tag and drag him. Based on Sgt. Smith’s response, it sounds like Joe saved his own life, in that split second when he decided to grab the barrel of that shotgun. Nice moves, Joe. Damn nice moves.

Girls Will Be Girls
This week, some Canadian wenches decided to make the high school football team memorable for everyone, on, and off, the field. A dozen Grade 12 girls from South Delta Secondary School made their move at halftime. Eager to inspire their Delta Sun Devils, in their quest to beat the Lord Tweedsmuir Secondary School Panthers, the girls put on their game attire, which couldn’t have taken long. ‘Game’ attire, in this case, consisted of knickers to cover their naughty bits and duct tape to strap down their sweater puppies.

Dressed to thrill, they ‘streaked’ out onto the field where they sprayed silly string on the Lord Tweedsmuir Panther players. We don’t have a suitable description of the high spirited wenches, but we suspect that they must be tasty, since most of them are cheerleaders for South Delta.

South Delta’s principal, Ted Johnson, is not exactly thrilled spitless by this girls with be girls episode. He’s especially cranky, because he specifically warned the students at his school not to streak the game, the last game of the year. Despite the fact that the girls ignored his warning, he let the nymphs off with a stern warning, saying he would suspend them if they step out of line again. Don’t you just hate these Educrat killjoys?

Big Brother Is Watching
Source: Independent [11/06/08]

George Orwell’s ‘1984' had big brother watching, and listening, to everything his minions did, but anyone implementing his scheme in the 21st century would quickly discover a gaping hole in Big Brother's spying plan. The Brits, who seem to be following this Orwellian game plan with grim resolve, have already deployed cameras throughout the public square. They’ve also started down the road toward eavesdropping on all phone conversations. That only leaves two gaping holes in their looming surveillance society.

The first loophole is private conversations, but the Brits are making inroads, there, by deploying the world’s most hypersensitive, snoopy, neighbors in every corner of the J.O.E. That will do, until they can emulate Big Brother with surveillance gear embedded in every home in J.O.E.

The second loophole is much more problematic, the Internet. This week, these 21st century Big Brothers are gearing up to intercept all internet traffic, allowing them to build a comprehensive database of each individual’s travels in cyberspace. How? They want to install ‘black boxes’ which would record every e-mail, every website visited by the denizens of J.O.E.

In a meeting between officials from the Home Office and Internet Service Providers, these Brit Big Brother clones tipped their hand:

At Monday's meeting in London representatives from BT, AOL Europe, O2 and BSkyB were given a presentation of the issues and the technology surrounding the Government's Interception Modernisation Programme (IMP), the name given by the Home Office to the database proposal.

They were told that the security and intelligence agencies wanted to use the stored data to help fight serious crime and terrorism. Officials tried to reassure the industry by suggesting that many smaller ISPs would be unaffected by the "black boxes" as these would be installed upstream on the network and hinted that all costs would be met by the Government.

One delegate at the meeting told the Independent: "They said they only wanted to return to a position they were in before the emergence of internet communication, when they were able to monitor all correspondence with a police suspect. The difference here is they will be in a much better position to spy on many more people on the basis of their internet behaviour. Also there's a grey area between what is content and what is traffic. Is what is said in a chat room content or just traffic?" (Independent)

When these ‘Big Brother Is Watching’ tidbits hit the news cycle, the relevant government cockroaches scurried out of sight under that glaring light of public exposure. The Home Office denied ‘their intention to introduce monitoring or storage equipment that will check or hold the content of emails or phonecalls on the traffic’. If that doesn’t reek of ‘gotcha, Orwellian punk’, there’s this last tidbit that puts us over the top into ‘caught you red-handed’ land:

“We do not recognise the term "Black Boxes”. It has not been used in any of our briefings or presentations.” (A Home Office spokespunk)

Normally, I’d do some gloating about this loss of liberty in J.O.E., but my gloating days are over. Obamunists have displayed an utterly Orwellian zeal, when it comes to snuffing out individual liberty. During the general election, the Marxist Messiah’s truth squads in positions authority used the Nanny State’s monopoly on the use of force to dig up dirt on law-abiding Americans. Joe the Plumber is a prime example, since his only ‘crime’ is giving the Marxist Messiah a boo-boo.

Trust me, when I tell you that the ‘Fairness Doctrine’, truth squads, and a controlled, politically-programmed, ‘free’ press are just the beginning. Big Dumbo-Eared Brother is watching and if you piss him off, he’ll send his head-breakers to put you out of his misery.

Two-Dimensional Dreams
Source: PIG News Wire [10/31/08]

A Sushi Slammer named Taichi Takashita is a man with a dream. It’s a dream of wedded bliss with - TA DA - a cartoon character. Is he serious? Read this tidbit from News.com.au and decide for yourself:

‘...A JAPANESE man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the "two-dimensional world"...’

‘...Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters. Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures through.

"I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world," he wrote. "However, that seems impossible with present-day technology. Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?"...’

Staying ‘in character’, Taichi eschewed such three-dimensional ‘spoilers’ as his street address, and other contact information. Is he a hoaxer? A wingnut? A dude with a twisted sense of humor? At press time, all three are still in play. Stay tuned, PIGsters.

BOOM!
Source: Daily Mail [10/31/08]

Our hero is a Brit name Peter Tidbury. Pete, a man who toils in the energy-saving industry, landed in the PIG News bull’s-eye, when he took ‘green’ where it wasn’t intended to go. As company manager, Pete decided to put his money where his livelihood is, by purchasing a ‘green’ car. After looking around, he selected a used Peugot 607, which is powered by LPG (liquid petroleum gas). Since the car had 93,000 miles on it, it has proven itself roadworthy. Despite that, Pete had the car checked from stem to stern, not once, but twice, by a highly trained automotive professional.

Like any proud car owner, Pete was eager to get his green machine out on the road. It was during his first outing that going green landed Pete in the fun zone:

On the trip to see his daughter in Lincolnshire and then friends in South Yorkshire, he stopped at a filling station in Barnsley and put in 40 litres of gas.

'I was told you get a slight smell of gas when you fill up so thought nothing of it and wound the window down and back again,' he said. 'I fancied a fag so wound the window down again slightly and then lit up. I was doing about 30mph and, as I lit the cigarette, there was an almighty explosion. The windows went out, the bonnet went up and the boot went up, just as you see in the movies. I braked sharply. I can't remember this but I was told that I was directing traffic around the car while my suit jacket was still smoking. The fireball singed me on my face, hands and legs and melted my jacket lining and some of my shirt. I looked as if a firework had exploded in my face.'

Mr Tidbury, a widower, has knowledge of explosions from his days as a miner and is astonished he survived such a strong blast. A leak in the pipe leading to the gas tank is thought to have allowed gas to seep into the car and it was ignited by the cigarette. (Daily Mail)

Afterwards, Pete made an understandable decision. Unable, due to his profession, to give up going ‘green’, he has, instead, decided to give up smoking. It’s not the first time that he’s tried to kick the coffin nail habit, but, unlike prior, failed, efforts, he has those vivid "BOOM" memories to give him the requisite motivation. Having your car explode, when you light one up is, obviously, very inspirational.

In addition to giving up coffin nails, Pete made another, better late than never, decision. He’s having his car switched from LPG to diesel. That’s damn good thinking dude. It’s better to be safe, than explosively green and sorry.

Another Government Invokes Internet Censorship
Source: Herald Sun [10/29/08]

Many of you have read about the Great Firewall of China, a formidable cyberspace barrier, which dictates, in great specificity, what Chinese cyberspace visitors are allowed to see. Like so many authoritarian nations, China is afraid to allow its captive population to exercise free speech, and/or have unrestricted access to information. This kind of censorship is commonplace in many Mecca Mania blights on the globe, as well as such bastions of liberty as Cuba and North Korea. Suffice it to say that tyranny and censorship go hand in hand.

Other governments have eyed the success of these reality filters and found them very spiffy. The latest to join the club is Australia, which is poised to impose mandatory, everyone must comply, censorship on the Internet. The sales pitches used by these aspiring Aussie tyrants are the usual ones: child pornography and other ‘undesirable’ adult content. As usual, this proposal is full of vague generalities and the requisite weasel words. Therefore, in practice, the reach of this proposed filter on the free exchange of ideas is as broad as these aspiring Aussie tyrants want it to be. In other words, anything, which the Aussie government doesn’t want its own citizens to know, will be blocked.

The government has declared it will not let internet users opt out of the proposed national internet filter. The plan was first created as a way to combat child pronography and adult content, but could be extended to include controversial websites on euthanasia or anorexia.

Communications minister Stephen Conroy revealed the mandatory censorship to the Senate estimates committee as the Global Network Initiative, bringing together leading companies, human rights organisations, academics and investors, committed the technology firms to "protect the freedom of expression and privacy rights of their users". Mr Conroy said trials were yet to be carried out, but "we are talking about mandatory blocking, where possible, of illegal material." (Herald Sun)

Fortunately, some champions of free expression on the Internet are trying to sound the warning:

Human Rights Watch has condemned internet censorship, and argued to the US Senate "there is a real danger of a Virtual Curtain dividing the internet, much as the Iron Curtain did during the Cold War, because some governments fear the potential of the internet, (and) want to control it"

Groups including the System Administrators Guild of Australia and Electronic Frontiers Australia have attacked the proposal, saying it would unfairly restrict Australians' access to the web, slow internet speeds and raise the price of internet access.

The technology companies' move, which follows criticism that the companies were assisting censorship of the internet in nations such as China, requires them to narrowly interpret government requests for information or censorship and to fight to minimise cooperation. (Herald Sun)

If this is happening Down Under, when will this wave of government censorship engulf this nation conceived in liberty? Much too soon, because those fiddling fools on the hill, Capitol Hill, have already set the stage for a new wave of American censorship. It will start - but won’t end - with talk radio. The Obamunists will target the Internet, in due course. It has to be 'suppressed', because it is the last place on this planet where you can still experience unrestrained free speech.

International News Nuggets
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [10/24/08]

A Fatwa on Females In Flannel Shirts?
The most annoying tidbit that I gleaned from this news item is the fetid fact that Malaysia has - I am not making this up - a National Fatwa Council. Their task, as far as I can tell, is to add new items to their Mt. Everest size stack of things that are banned by, or offensive to, Mecca Mania. This week, they seem to rummaging near the bottom of the banned behavior barrel. Fear not, PIGsters, they found something that put their dish rag headgear in a painful knot: tomboys. That’s right, tomboys.

Apparently - and this comes as a shock - there’s no Islamikaze equivalent for the American phrase ‘it’s just a phase, she’ll grow out of it’. Instead of minding their own business - it’s so not a Mullah Meathead’s style - these 7th century pinheads went fatwa bonkers.

‘...[One of the fatwa fatheads, Harussani Idris Zakaria, the mufti of northern Perak state] said an increasing number of Malaysian girls behave like tomboys, and that some of them engage in homosexuality. Homosexuality is not explicitly banned in Malaysia, but it is effectively illegal under a law that prohibits sex acts "against the order of nature."

Harussani said the council's ruling was not legally binding because it has not been passed into law, but that tomboys should be banned because their actions are immoral. "It doesn't matter if it's a law or not. When it's wrong, it's wrong. It is a sin," Harussani told The Associated Press. "Tomboy (behavior) is forbidden in Islam."

Under the edict, girls are forbidden to sport short hair and dress, walk and act like boys, Harussani said. Boys should also not act like girls, he said. "They must respect God. God created them as boys, they must behave like boys. God created them as girls, they must act like girls," he said...’ (SFC)

Here in the PIGdom, we appreciate that girls will be girls. We even find it in our hearts to appreciate the fun fact that in some case, girls will be boys. Apparently, that level of ‘different strokes for different folks’ understanding is unattainable for fatwa fatheads like this Harussain fool. So be it.

Signs of the Times?
All Dave Naughton wanted to do was drop his check in the NatWest bank branch’s (Dewsbury, West Yorks, J.O.E.), after hours slot. What he got was a lesson in crappy bank security.

He was stunned when the heavy wooden doors swung open as he tried to push the envelope through the letterbox.

Believing cleaners may have been at fault, Dave climbed the steps leading into the building – and automatic glass doors parted to let him in.

Once inside, the alarm went off with project manager Dave rooted to the spot waiting for police to appear.

Despite shouting out and waving his envelope at the CCTV camera, no one arrived at the bank in Dewsbury, West Yorks. After five minutes, the alarm stopped and relieved Dave thought he was about to be rescued. But as he moved, the alarm started up again.

Not wanting to be a suspect on TV’s Crimewatch, Dave waited another five minutes. Eventually – after watching passers-by stroll past unconcerned at the blaring alarm – he decided to close the doors and drive to Dewsbury police nearby. (Daily Express)

Was the bank suitably grateful that a loyal customer like Dave saved their bacon? That’s hard to tell, because, so far, he hasn’t heard a peep from them. I guess they’re all too busy getting fitted for their golden parachutes to be bother with such trivial matters.

Brit Brewskie Options
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [10/24/08]

If you’re hanging in a Brit pub, and want some of the foam-topped goodness they have on tap, you have two options. You can go for the venerable pint, or sneak up on that brewskie buzz with baby steps, by ordering a half-pint. That’s fine by me, but some bright bulb thinks there needs to be something in between - the two-thirds pint. The main selling point is that two-thirds of a pint is damn close to the amount of brewskie you get in a bottle. The thinking is that, instead of ordering a bottle of brew, pub customers might have the brewskie wrangler pull a two-thirds pint, instead. Also, it’s supposed that a two-thirds pint might appeal to the ladies who find full pint more than they want or need.

I get the marketing side of this and have no problem with adding another standard option. My ‘issue’ with this story is the fact that some Brit bureaucracy is setting up the rules of engagement for the ‘official’, Nanny State certified, two-thirds pint. Why is this any of the Nanny State’s business? If I’m a pub owner, why aren’t the serving sizes I offer MY CALL? It’s Enquiring minds time, again, at PIG News.

Reading Is Optional
Source: Lancashire Evening Post [10/20/08]

The sign at a pub car park is six feet tall and it states, in plain English, that there are no parking charges after 6pm. The patrons at the Pitcher & Piano pub understood this, but the eager Parking Nazi found the ‘free’ concept elusive, so, 3 hours and 15 minutes after the parking meter is shut off, this ticket wrangling twerp nailed 9 cars with £60 fines. One of the cars was parked in the shadow of the sign, but that didn’t spare him from this out of control asshat.

When the bovine excrement hit the fan with a Brit-accented ‘SPLAT’, the jackasses who hired this illiterate fool did their best to mount a vigorous ‘nothing to see here’ defense:

"A total of nine tickets were issued in error by a new member of staff who wasn't fully aware of the time restriction on this car park. We were made aware of this situation the next day and immediately cancelled the parking charge tickets involved. We have already issued an apology for the manager of the Pitcher & Piano to pass on to anyone who was on the premises that night and complained. We will also be issuing a written apology to anyone who writes an appeal or complaint." (Lancashire Evening Post)

In a perfect world, each car owner who got ticketed would be ‘empowered’ to kick this ticket twerp in the nuts.

PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG News Wire [10/17/08]

Just hanging around
After spending an evening downing a suitable quantity of adult beverage, a 35-year-old Aussie dude was, to say the least, feeling no pain. That last tidbit, the no pain part, was destined to change, after he arrived at his home.

For some reason, our hero was compelled to scale a gate to gain access to his home. That’s when his trip home hit a painful snag, literally. With his coordination impaired, our hero slipped and ended up hanging upside down, with the calf of one leg impaled on the fence.

A neighbour heard the man's cries for help about 5.30am but rescue services said he had been stuck for almost two hours before he was discovered outside the Belfield home.

It took a fire rescue crew almost an hour to release the man, with officers required to cut free a section of fence. The 30cm-long fence post was still impaled through the man's leg when he was admitted to Royal Prince Alfred Hospital, where he was undergoing surgery. (The Daily Telegraph)

Here at PIG News, we’re pleased that our hero is going to make a full recovery, but we’re still wondering about the rest of the story. Why the hell did he need to climb the gate instead of simply opening it? It’s Enquiring minds time here in the PIG bunker.

An Aussie Wenchlet Brain-Fart
It probably seemed like a good idea, to the teenage Aussie wenchlets, but we think they were playing with fire. The fun started when the teenagers traveled from Sydney to Manly Beach for a day of sand, sun and, hopefully, boys. It’s that last element which made them do it.

Do what? They used blue zinc cream, to write their mobile phone numbers on their back. Did it work? You be the judge:

A 15-year-old, identified only as Samantha, told The Manly Daily that she was happy to attract attention - despite not having any intention of following up on it.

"We come for both the beach and the boys, but I'm taken, so it's all good," she said.

"I got a message and it said, 'Your friends are hot' - but what about me?"

Her 15-year-old friend Lizzy admitted the stunt had already netted at least one unwanted advance: "An old guy tried to talk to me. He was trying to take pictures of us," she said. (Daily Telegraph)

If Moonbeam and her chums want to visit the beach and do some harmless flirting, it’s no harm, no foul. But, writing your cell phone number on your back is just asking for trouble. You really don’t want to go there, darlin'.

Wishful Thinking
Source: Reuters [10/16/08]

From our terrors of technology news desk, we bring you the latest ray of false hope for those of us who hate, detest, and despise cell idiocy in all of its noxious forms. Once again, some technology phobic lab coated hooligans are sounding the alarm about the unhealthy collateral damage inflicted by cell phones. Normally, these warnings are dire and involve such fun things as brain tumors. That, apparently is ‘yesterday’s news’, because this time out, the lab coated hooligans are reaching for low-hanging, health risk fruit:

‘...Doctors baffled by an unexplained rash on people's ears or cheeks should be on alert for a skin allergy caused by too much mobile phone use, the British Association of Dermatologists said on Thursday. Citing published studies, the group said a red or itchy rash, known as "mobile phone dermatitis," affects people who develop an allergic reaction to the nickel surface on mobile phones after spending long periods of time on the devices.

"It is worth doctors bearing this condition in mind if they see a patient with a rash on the cheek or ear that cannot otherwise be explained," it said...’

"In mobile phone dermatitis, the rash would typically occur on the cheek or ear, depending on where the metal part of the phone comes into contact with the skin," the group said in a statement. "In theory it could even occur on the fingers if you spend a lot of time texting on metal menu buttons." (Reuters)

A skin rash? If that’s the best you can do, why even bother?

Self Defense Is No Excuse
Source: PIG News Wire [10/10/08]

J.O.E.
After a confrontation between a knife-wielding desperado and a law-abiding citizen, one man is in critical condition at a hospital and the other is in the slammer, facing an ‘inflicting grievous bodily harm’ charge. The man in the hospital, the ‘victim’ according to twisted Brit logic is the desperado. The man facing a life term in prison is the law abiding denizen, Andre Mergulhao, a Brazilian, who is an English language student in J.O.E.

The insanity started, when the knife wielding desperado, Nicholas Edwards, invaded Andre’s abode. We don’t have all the details, but we do know that, when Nicolas tried to escape on his bike, Andre pushed him off it, causing this armed intruder to hit his head on the pavement. Self defense? You bet, but Brit officials are determined to make J.O.E. safe for law breakers, even if it means putting every law-abiding denizen in a graybar, for LIFE.

Andre dared to defend himself, and we applaud him for it. His only mistake was doing it in J.O.E., where criminals are coddled and law-abiding residents are treated like criminals.

New Zealand
The drama unfolded in Auckland, when a drunk as a skunk Kiwi punk entered Virender Singh’s liquor store. Convinced that the punk had perpetrated a bit of shoplifting, Virender confronted the punk, and some of his cohorts, outside his store. In the fight that ensued, Virender was stabbed in the leg. We’re pleased to report that Virender got in his licks, giving one punk a swollen nose and damaged teeth. Self defense? Not in New Zealand.

Virender is facing charges, two counts of injuring with intent, and the punks are getting the red carpet treatment by Kiwi (in)justice officials. When will law-abiding Kiwis get the message? The criminal justice system isn’t there to protect you and your property. It’s there to make certain that YOU don’t violate some law breaking asshats ‘right’ to ply his trade, unimpeded.

Criminal Coddling Council Punks
Source: Daily Mail [10/09/08]

Eager to stretch his hard-earned money, a Brit named Bill Malcolm bagged an allotment (leased a garden plot) from the asshats on the Bromsgrove district council. He used this plot of rented land to grow his own veggies: spuds, onions, beetroot and asparagus. With food prices hitting the stratosphere, it seemed like a good way to exchange some sweat equity for some food for his table.

During the past four months, Bill’s plans hit a speed bump. On three separate occasions, asshats invaded his allotment, stole approximately $600 in tools, and, on at least one occasion, ripped up his veggies. Tired of the crap, Bill deployed some countermeasures, a three feet high strand of barbed wire. It wasn’t an insurmountable barrier, but, he deduced, it might be pesky enough to discourage uninvited intruders. Was Bill’s plan a rousing success? Not exactly. Worried that they might be sued by some thieving rat bastard(s), the Bromsgrove district council ordered Bill to tear down his fence, and stop trying to give criminal asshats a hard time.

"It's an absolutely ridiculous situation. All I wanted was to protect my property but the wire had to go in case a thief scratched himself. The fence was just a single strand and ringing my property. It was only 3ft high – it wasn't as though I'd dug a moat filled with piranha fish and erected 6ft iron railings."

"The council said they were unhappy about the precautions I had made but my response was to tell them that only someone climbing over on to my allotment could possibly hurt themselves. They shouldn't be trespassing in the first place but the council apologised and said they didn't want to be sued by a wounded thief."

"I told them to let the thief sue me so at least that way I would know who was breaking into my allotment but everything I said fell on deaf ears. It seems as though they are so wrapped up in red tape, they are unable to help me." (Bill Malcolm, as quoted by the Daily Mail)

Bill, dude, you’re attacking the wrong problem. Before you can deal with criminal asshats, you need to FIRE the jackasses on the district council who are more worried about protecting a criminal’s ‘rights’ than they are in protecting your property. Fire the bastards, Bill. Fire the bastards.

Globetrotting PIG-Worthy News
Source: PIG News Wire [10/03/08]

An Amazing Decency Agenda
Normally, when you trip over the term ‘decency agenda’, you’re expecting to read about some Morality Nazi rampage. That was my first impression, too, but rest assured this does not involve J.O.E.’s version of Brent Bozell or Donald Wildmon. In this case, the recipients of ‘decency’ are those honored guests residing in certain Brit graybar hotels.

If you live in one of ‘those’ communities in the U.K. and crave a more civilized atmosphere, you might want to score some graybar accommodations. You’ll be amazed at the perks you’ll find there:

* The prison guards must address you, respectfully - I.E. Mr. Jones, or Mr. Smith - at all times.

* You can buy time to watch the boob tube or listen to the radio.

* You can request tape decks, and books from an extensive catalogue.

* You can score a pay raise for doing jobs in prison.

* Good behavior can earn Mr. Smith and/or Mr. Jones the right to ditch prison togs and wear civvies.

As far as I can tell, given this rising tide of ‘decency’, it will soon become obvious that there’s a much higher quality of life inside the Brit graybar than outside, under the oppressive thumb of those steaming local council loads. That will, sooner or later, lead to a prison entry waiting list. It could also mean a hefty, ‘now due and payable’ graybar hotel bill when you’re finally dragged out to ‘freedom’, screaming and kicking.

Deploying ‘Rob Me’ Welcome Mats
If your address in J.O.E. reads ‘Bristol’ and you’re running short of cash, we have some thrilling news for you, wrong side of the law Sparky. The bright bulbs who infest the Bristol City Council just made life, much, much, easier for you. Be advised, that this only applies to something called city owned ‘allotments’ (some kind of publically-owned housing, probably), but it’s the best news you’ve heard all day, breaking and entering Sparky:

Allotment holders in Bristol have been warned padlocks can lead to thieves forcing their way through doors and windows of the council-owned sheds. Bristol City Council claims its 'Don't Use a Padlock' initiative will save taxpayers' money because fewer sheds will have to be repaired or replaced, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Its guide reads: "Don't padlock your shed; it can save the shed being damaged if someone does try to get into it. If there is a break-in, always inform the police." (Ananova)

In other words the council is telling its tenants: As long as you’re renting your digs from us, this home security thing is our call. We don’t give a flaming damn how much of your valuable property goes missing, because that comes out of your pocket. But, repairing those sheds costs us money, so stop making it so hard on our Bristol desperados. Oh, by the way, the repair costs for windows and doors to your leased abode cost us money too. We’d appreciate it, if you’d leave ALL your valuables out on the front lawn, to make life easier for all concerned. When something gets stolen, by all means call us and we’ll do our best to pretend to give a damn. Have a nice day.

Asinine? You bet. Par for the course in Nanny State suffocated J.O.E.? You better believe it, who put these assholes in charge Sparky.

Kiwi Road Warrior
A pair of Kiwi nitwits took unsafe at any speed to record-setting levels of lunacy and one of them paid the ultimate price for it. Begging for it? You be the judge.

* The Mazda 323 had been deemed unsafe and banned from the roads in 2005.

* The car’s 19 year old owner tried to re-animate the Mazda by putting an incompatible motor (an RX7 engine) in it.

* The only way to get the car engine started was to tow the Mazda.

* Only the spokes of the steering wheel were present, so the owner crafted his own steering wheel by attaching a tire rim to the spokes.

* For obvious reasons, the death trap wasn’t registered.

The deadly end to this lunacy started, when the owner, and his friend, Matthew McDonald, headed out for a road warrior adventure. After getting the requisite tow start, the pair managed to keep the beast on the road and even negotiated two left turns. Things turned deadly, during a third turn, when the makeshift steering wheel fell apart, causing the Mazda to cross the centerline of the road and do a header into a ‘solid wooden barrier’.

Since neither of these wingnuts were wearing seatbelts, they were ejected from the car. That airborne adventure took Matthew out of the human gene pool and landed the car’s owner in a Kiwi hospital’s intensive care unit, in critical condition.

Brit Road Warrior
A Brit truck driver, Benjamin Trotman, decided to engage in some multi-tasking, while motoring along a highway in Northern England. Switching on his laptop computer, he perched it on the dashboard of his truck, then cranked up an episode of our favorite Sci-Fi show, ‘Battlestar Galactica’.

As expected, when you’re not paying attention to the road, your ability to drive in a straight line is impaired. After careening down the highway - no doubt thrilling other motorists in the process - Ben’s road warrior adventure came to a premature halt. With the Galactica episode still running on his laptop, when the officer questioned him, Ben had to scramble for a suitable excuse. He tried, and failed, to tell the justice system officials that he was only ‘listening’ to the show and was, in fact, looking at Google Maps, when the cop stopped him. As expected, the justice system officials didn’t believe a word of it.

As a result of his multitasking, Ben has been banned from driving for 15 months. Furthermore, he must perform 225 hours of community service and pay nearly $1,000 in fines for his road warrior antics.

PIG-Worthy International News
Source: Chronicle-Herald [09/25/08]

Alive and Kicking in Nova Scotia
John Marcus has lost a couple steps, due to arthritis and a pair of strokes, but this 74 years young Canadian still has all his marbles. He proved that, during a daylight trip home from a local pharmacy, while he was taking a shortcut through Victoria Park.

The moment he spotted the 14 year old punk lurking on a walking bridge, John smelled trouble. He considered avoiding the teenager, but changed his mind. If John headed for the punk, John would be within shouting distance of the police training center. We’re here to tell you that John made the right call.

As expected, the punk jumped John, knocked him off his scooter, then kicked our hero. While the punk helped himself to John’s cell blight, John shouted for help. Some police cadets, who were in the training center parking lot, heard him, came running, and arrived in time to bag, tag, and drag the punk to the local graybar hotel.

We’re pleased to announce that John, although a bit worse for wear, isn’t about to surrender his liberty to any punks without a fight. He refuses to become a prisoner in his own home and we salute him for it.

Unintended Smoking Ban Consequences

Hambo's Marketplace Theorem: For every asinine, intrusive, liberty infringing bureaucratic action, there is an equal, and opposite, liberty restoring marketplace reaction.

This stellar dose of Hambo wisdom is being played out at a Brit pub, the Butler’s Arms in Sutton, Coldfield, where a new miracle of modern science is making monkeys out of the Brit Smoke Nazis. Painfully aware of the smoking ban, which snuffed out a Brit smoker’s liberty, starting in July 2007, the owner of this adult beverage emporium has been looking for a way to avoid the ‘going out of business’ fate suffered by pubs throughout J.O.E. What to do?

The Butler’s Arms’ landlord, Chris Giles, has just the ticket and it’s street legal. It’s called the E.cig, an electronic cigarette, which gives the smoker all the sensations of smoking, including a nicotine kick, without violating the smoking ban. The Telegraph serves up these spiffy details:

The new E.cig smokes like a real cigarette and users get a shot of nicotine every time they inhale. The device even produces a cloud of water vapour with every puff, though causes no harm to smokers.

The device, which retails at £39.99 for a starter pack, uses a small replaceable cartridge filled with a dose of nicotine. Users can choose between No nicotine, Low, medium or high nicotine, menthol, strawberry or cherry. The makers of the product at The Electronic Cigarette Company say the vapour produced is odourless and contains no tar or carbon monoxide, resulting in no risk of passive smoking.

According to Chris Giles’ daughter, Becky - Assistant Manager at the pub - the E.cig gives you a lot of bang for the buck and ‘feels’ like you’re smoking the real thing, while mitigating some of the health deficiencies of a tobacco product. Best of all, it gives a one-finger salute to those damn Smoke Nazis. Bold New Concept.

Come Fly With Me
A Buenos Aires woman, Monique Rozanes Torres Aguero, got a lesson in geography, when she purchased a plane ticket to Sydney. Did she get there? Yes, and no. Instead of seeing the fabled Sydney Opera House and the Harbour Bridge, when her plane came in for a landing, Monique got a bird’s eye view of Sydney, Nova Scotia, a former coal and steel mining town.

Aside from the name, the two towns have little in common, except for one thing. A steady trickle of wayward travelers keep ending up there, due to some carelessly made flight arrangements. If you’re headed for the Sydney Down Under, here’s a tip: if you’re changing planes in Halifax, Nova Scotia, you might have a problem. If the plane you transfer to is a small prop driven gem, congratulations, you’re headed for the WRONG Sydney.

We’re pleased to report that Monique took her mixup in stride, and had a nice time in Nova Scotia, thanks to some very friendly locals, who did their utmost to make her feel welcome.

International News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [09/19/08]

Skipper gives human rights activists their walking papers
Two members of Human Rights Watch were booted out of Hugostan (Venezuela) after they issued a report that painted a bull’s-eye on Hugo "Skipper" Chavez. Jose Miguel Vivanco is a Chilean, who is the group’s Americas director. Daniel Wilkinson, an American, is Jose’s deputy director. Both were accused of "illegally meddling in the internal affairs" of Hugostan, while in the country on a tourist visa.

Ironically, by booting the Human Rights Watch duo, Hugo, literally, verified that the report is true:

The monitors were forced onto the first flight out only hours after presenting a report concluding that "discrimination on political grounds has been a defining feature" of the Chavez presidency.

"What happened is a confirmation of exactly the points that we raised in the report, and it shows the lack of tolerance in the government of President Chavez to criticism of his record on any area," Vivanco told the AP from Sao Paulo, Brazil, where he arrived early Friday. (San Francisco Chronicle)

Given Hugo’s Marxist mindset, I think the pair got off lucky. Hugo is the type who might go ‘old school’ on his enemies, by rounding them up, lining them up against the nearest wall, and shooting them down like dogs.

Well Duh, With a Scottish Accent
After taking a long, hard look at the young ‘uns in Scotland, someone noticed how larded up and sorry they were. Suitably alarmed, these alleged adults slapped themselves on the forehead and declared, "we need some eggheads to conduct a comprehensive study of this".

Fast forward to the present and the results have just been published in the ‘Public Money and Management’ magazine. We hope you’re sitting down, because the results will rock your world. Scotland’s tykes are fat because - TA DA - they eat too much crap, spend too much time sitting on their larded up butts, and spend too little time playing outdoors.

Who, you ask is at fault? There’s enough blame to go around:

* In the health and safety plagued U.K., overprotective parents are afraid to let the kids play outside.

* Health and safety demented teachers and childcare workers won’t let their young charges go outside and play.

* Mother Nature takes a hit for the lousy weather, which makes going outside iffy, in real weather ‘gifted’ Scotland.

If you need the results of this study summed up in two words, get ready to be thrilled: WELL, DUH.

Murdering Mickey In the Sandbox
That’s right, PIGsters, those relentlessly humorous funsters, the Saudi clerics, are at it again. This week’s dish rag topped comedian is none other than that king of Sandbox humor, Sheikh Muhammad "Shecky" Munajid. Once a diplomat at the Saudi embassy in D.C., Shecky, eventually, succumbed to the Siren Song of comedy. Here’s part of a fishwrap report about his most recent, televised, laugh riot, on a ‘religious affairs’ show. Today's theme? Islam’s view of mice:

"The mouse is one of Satan's soldiers and is steered by him. If a mouse falls into a pot of food – if the food is solid, you should chuck out the mouse and the food touching it, and if it is liquid – you should chuck out the whole thing, because the mouse is impure."

"According to Islamic law, the mouse is a repulsive, corrupting creature. How do you think children view mice today – after Tom and Jerry?"

"Even creatures that are repulsive by nature, by logic, and according to Islamic law have become wonderful and are loved by children. Even mice. Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases." (Telegraph)

As fun as this is, our boy Shecky Munajid was off the charts funny, during the recent Olympics. He reeled off a stream of side-splitters, calling the Beijing Olympics the "Bikini Olympics. According to Shecky, nothing warms the cockles of the devil’s heart more than seeing women athletes dressed in skimpy outfits. Female athletes in skimpy outfits? Don’t tell Shecky, but certain members of the PIG staff - PORCUS - aren’t exactly bummed by that, either.

Parting shot: PIG News dares to ask the hard questions: Why hasn’t the Comedy Channel booked Shecky Munajid’s one man show? Enquiring minds want to know.

PIGish World Wide News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [09/12/08]

Direct, Desperado, Delivery
An alert Brit bus driver made an unscheduled stop on his route from downtown Manchester (England, DUH) to the local airport. His rerouting transpired, after he witnessed a mugging on board his bus. The observant driver noticed that a 23-year-old dude, who had just boarded the bus, was accosted by another passenger.

The driver radioed ahead to alert the proper authorities, who were ready willing and eager to bag, tag, and drag the mugger to the slammer, when the driver arrived at - TA DA - the front door of Wythenshawe police station. That’s one extra stop that must have elicited a rousing cheer from the other passengers, when the cops hauled the mugger off to a Brit graybar.

Direct, cell door service? You better believe it, Sparky.

Skipper Feels His Oats
Everyone’s favorite South American Marxist, Venezuela’s rotund tyrant, Hugo "Skipper" Chavez seems to be feeling nostalgic for the ‘bad old days’ of unrelenting Yankee imperialism. Pulling some amazing crap out of his butt, he’s expressing his solidarity with the Hugo wannabe running Bolivia, President Evo Morales, by blaming all of South America’s political woes on, TA DA, Uncle Sam.

President Hugo Chavez says the U.S. ambassador has 72 hours to leave Venezuela and he's recalling his ambassador from Washington. Chavez said he's asking U.S. Ambassador Patrick Duddy to leave as a means of showing solidarity with Bolivian President Evo Morales, who expelled Washington's envoy in La Paz.

"They're trying to here [sic] what they were doing in Bolivia," Chavez said. "That's enough ... from you, Yankees," he said, using an expletive.

Chavez announced the decision during a televised speech, hours after saying his government had detained a group of alleged conspirators in a plot to overthrow him. Chavez accused the group of current and former military officers of trying to assassinate him and topple the government with support from the United States. He didn't offer evidence. (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)

Proving how feckless Uncle Sam is, when it comes to Hugo, our State Department, gave Hugo’s Ambassador in D. C., his get out of Dodge papers AFTER Hugo had recalled him.

Is someone out to punch Hugo’s ticket? Probably, but I don’t think we’re involved. Why? We’re not as adept at THAT as we were, back in the bad old days when the CIA was worthy of the hype which surrounds it.

Update: I read a news report about Skipper staging war games to prepare his army to repulse the looming U.S. invasion. An invasion? An invasion of Venezuela? Hugo, dude, you’re not that important. I don’t know what you’re smoking, but, if it’s THIS good, you need to PASS IT AROUND.

Another Sandbox Stinker
Those paragons of Islamikaze virtue, our Saudi ‘friends’, continue to demonstrate, conclusively, why Mecca Mania and inalienable liberty are explosively incompatible. It’s a damn shame that nobody in our so-called government is paying attention.

This week’s lesson in Sandbox tolerance is presented by ‘Saudi Arabia’s top Islamic judiciary official’ and it’s a mixed, uh, blessing. Serving up a thrilling example of ‘my way or the high way’, 79-year-old Sheik Saleh al-Lihedan issued one of those holy hits on - TA DA - owners of satellite TV Networks that poison unsullied Islamikaze minds with ‘immoral content’.

I know what you’re thinking and I went there, too, for a memorable moment. The primary sources of his ire are satellite networks in places like Jordan and Egypt, but we’re free to hope he includes MSNBC, and CNN on his hit list. Furthermore, he specifically painted a bull’s-eye on the owners, not the talking heads. In other words, Matthews, Olbermann, O’Reilly and Hannity aren’t on the hit list, but, Ted Turner, the CEO of NBC, and Rupert Murdoch might want to put on some extra security.

Sandbox Whiz-a-Thon
Source: Boston Globe [09/04/08]

A pair of Sandbox Islamikazes are locked in a pitched battle over birthday celebrations. That’s right birthday celebrations. It’s the kind of thing that could only happen in this festering sore on humanity’s butt, Saudi Arabia.

In the Sandbox, there are only two authorized celebrations allowed - the Muslim feasts of Eid al-Fitr, which marks the end of the holy fasting month of Ramadan, and Eid al-Adha, which concludes the annual pilgrimage to Mecca. All other celebrations, including all ‘western’ and most Mecca Maniac feasts (holidays) are banned in the Kingdom.

Despite the ban, many Sandbox denizens still celebrate their birthday. There are even capitalists who have stores that ‘cater to putting on parties’. That might explain what happened recently:

What makes the latest controversy notable is that it started when a prominent cleric, Salman al-Audah, said on a popular satellite TV program last month that it was OK to mark birthdays and wedding anniversaries with parties as long as the Arabic word that describes the events -- "eid," meaning feast -- is not used.

That prompted a quick denunciation by Saudi Arabia's grand mufti and top religious authority, Sheik Abdul-Aziz Al Sheik, who said such celebrations have no place in Islam and gave a list of foreign customs he suggested were unacceptable.

"Christians have Mother's Day, an eid for trees, and an eid for every occasion," said Al Sheik, who also heads the Presidency for Scientific Research and Religious Edicts, speaking to Al-Madina newspaper. "And on every birthday, candles are lit and food is given out."

There is no question that the television remarks by al-Audah, who is not employed by the country's religious establishment, contradicted several fatwas, or religious edicts, issued by senior Saudi clerics over the years. (Boston Globe)

If you just lost your mind completely and are planning a trip to the Sandbox, we think you need to increase the voltage on your shock treatments. However, if you’re determined to go, despite our warnings to the contrary, here are our Sandbox travel tips:

* If it’s fun, they’ve probably outlawed it.

* If it tastes good, you’re probably not allowed to eat it.

* If you enjoy it, they’ll probably kill you for doing it.

All things considered, a trip to Hell would be more action packed, and much more enjoyable.

France Surrenders, Again
Source: Daily Mail [09/02/08]

After decades of Surrender Money histrionics over the increasing use of English in France, at least one French official has touched bases with objective reality. His name is Xavier Darcos, France’s Education minister. He flirted with the Surrender Monkey equivalent of heresy, this week, when he admitted, publically, that ‘the secret to French success is speaking English’. As far as we know, so far, French language purists haven’t brought Madam Guillotine out of retirement, to deal with Xavier, but it might happen any minute now:

Xavier Darcos claimed poor English is now a 'handicap' because all international business is conducted in the language, and said French schools would offer extra lessons during the holidays.

He also admitted that, because of globalisation, very few people outside France will being able to speak French in the future.

Mr Darcos said he wanted to make it easier for all French students to learn English, saying that 'while well-off families pay for study sessions abroad, I'm offering them to everyone right here.'

The Education Ministry was putting increased funds into English language teaching in France to ensure that young people would not have to go abroad to learn the language, he said. (Daily Mail)

The long and the short of it is this: the 60s are over man. French, once the language of international commerce throughout Europe, has been replaced by English. It happened when the EU expanded to 27 countries, bringing in a large number of nations that preferred English, not French, for commerce.

Xavier might be visiting objective reality, but his French-venerated homeboys in the legendary ‘L'Académie Française aren’t likely to be thrilled. They’re the cabal which ‘has led the rearguard action against the increasing influence of what it calls the ‘Americanisation’ of French life, sometimes bringing about censorship of movies from across the Atlantic, and ensuring huge subsidies for dubbing firms and the French film industry’ (Daily Mail).

Watch your back Xavier, and invest in a titanium collar for your shirts, or you might, literally, lose your head.

Furry Furor at Buckingham Palace
Source: AFP [09/01/08]

If you want to set off a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) punk and are bored with the usual KFC Bucket tantrum, we have a spiffy suggestion. For a whole new level of outrage, show a PETA punk an image of the Buckingham Palace guards in their iconic, 18-inch tall BEARSKIN hats and you’ll witness a thrilling spectacle.

That’s right, PIGsters, that classic fur headgear is made from the hides of Canadian bears. PETA thinks it’s an outrage and is trying to hound the notoriously Korrectnik Brits into jettisoning the ursine hats for something PETA certified.

In the initial confrontation, the PETA punks tried to sell the Ministry of Defense to switch to fake fur. The MOD was open to the idea, and had researched that opinion, in bygone days, without success. Unhappily, for Canadian bears, their hides are uniquely suited for all-weather conditions. So far, no fake fur has measured up to that standard.

When fake fur didn’t carry the day, PETA punks switched tactics:

Now Peta has come up with an alternative shape, but insists its design could be as famous as the traditional hats. "We can still have very regal-looking guards who look fantastic," said Peta's Europe director Robbie LeBlanc. "We felt doing this kind of thing was a way of keeping with the times and keeping that iconic status." (AFP)

Do I think it’s a nifty idea to kill a bear so some Buckingham Palace guard can keep his noodle roasty toasty? Not really, but it’s not a deal breaker. If I were a Brit taxpayer, I’d be more outraged over the amount of money wasted on this nostalgic bull crap: about $700,000 a year.

It Seemed Like A Spiffy Idea Twofer
Source: PIG News Wire [08/29/08]

J.O.E.
Eager for a bit of fun, and utterly clueless about the likely Korrectnik blowback, a Brit eatery decided it would be great fun to charge tykes for their Sunday lunch, based on their weight. Anyone under age 15 would be given a choice. They could step on the scales and pay a mere £1 per stone ($2 for every 14 pounds). If someone didn’t want to play the weight game, they would be charged £11.25 (about $22.50), half the cost of an adult meal. It was, for the folks running Qulton Hall (near Leeds in West Yorkshire), a way to inject some fun into the proceedings. No harm, no foul? You know better.

Tam Fry from the National Obesity Forum said: "It's the mere fact that you're going to make an exhibition of the child. "I mean, would you take your child in, of whatever weight, to a restaurant and then say 'OK you're going to have to be weighed first before you sit down and eat'. I might save a few pounds on it but think about the feelings that the child has, being weighed in front of all the other people who are staring at them and if they're at all self-conscious they will be extremely upset." (BBC)

The voice of reason is sounded by Nigel Massey, a spokeshole for the De Vere chain of hotels, which runs this Brit outpost of hospitality:

"If it's going to be the subject of such concern and such, forgive me for saying, a huge over-reaction, a little bit of the kill-joy taking some fun out of something, I think we should adopt the Oliver Cromwell puritan streak and withdraw it. Oulton is a lovely place, it was only something... for fun, totally innocent, not supposed to cause any harm or hurt, but if it does I think I'd recommend and we would unreservedly withdraw the idea." (BBC)

Nice try, Nigel, but you should have known that Fat Nazis have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Bella Italia
It sounds like something from a skin flick, or a naughty Victorian novel, but this one is very real. It’s the brainchild of an Italian dude, whose resume includes such entries as "Catholic priest" and "theologian", and it’s a real jaw-dropper. Our eager Italian hero wants to organize - I’m not making this up - an online beauty pageant for nuns. He thinks it would be a spiffy way to debunk the idea that all nuns are ‘old and dour’.

"Nuns are a bit excluded, they are a bit marginalized in ecclesiastical life," Rungi told The Associated Press after Italian media carried reports of the idea. "This will be an occasion to make their contribution more visible."

Rungi, a theologian and schoolteacher from the Naples area, said that visitors to his site will have a month to "vote for the nun they consider a model."

Nuns will fill out a profile including information about their life and vocation as well as a photograph. It will be up to them to choose whether to pose with the traditional veil or with their heads uncovered.

"We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits," Rungi said by telephone from his town of Mondragone. "But being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it." (Yahoo News)

What, you ask, do the nuns think about this? Antonio insists that the idea originated with the nuns who regularly pray and work with him. It was, in their minds, a spiffy idea. As expected, other Rosary True Believers were not exactly enchanted by the idea.

The blowback on this one was very impressive. In fact, it was so impressive that, within days after this gem hit the news cycle, Antonio called the whole thing off. That’s too bad because this one sounded like an amazingly PIG-worthy idea that offered hours of harmless fun.

Another J.O.E. Jaw-Dropper
Source: Daily Mail [08/27/08]

This adventure in insanity began after a Brit couple, Suzanne and Lloyd Bishop, were roused from slumber, when they heard a suspicious noise outside. It was the sound of the padlock on a neighbor’s shed being smashed by a thieving rat bastard. Racing to the window, they spotted a man in a white t-shirt running down the street.

Suitably alarmed, the couple called 999 (the Brit equivalent of 911) and reported the incident. A police car would be dispatched to make a sweep of the area, they were assured. Having done their civic duty, the couple put it out of their mind. That effort hit a speed bump, about an hour later:

‘...to their astonishment, Cambridgeshire police sent them a text message an hour later asking the couple if they could investigate further. The message said: 'Lloyd. Following on from your call earlier on to the police, please can you contact us is you are able to establish what has been stolen and where from? At this time we are struggling to get the police to attend general calls for service, many thanks.'

'We were disgusted that this text was sent out an hour later to us. To text the person who calls and ask them to investigate what had been stolen, broken into and who did it is just incredible. What is totally unbelievable was that we were under the impression that this type of crime came under 999. It just gives burglars the idea that they can get away with it because the police aren't going to send anyone out. What message does that send to my neighbours here? Is it just pointless to call police if you see someone breaking in to a house?' (Suzanne Bishop, as quoted by the Daily Mail)

Is the brass at the Cambridgeshire police the least bit ashamed? Not really. They spouted the usual ‘We’re doing the best we can under trying circumstances’ drivel. Blah, blah, blah. If the call came at a bad time, they should have said so, when the Bishops phoned. But, asking civilians to investigate a crime? If that’s how police work is done in the area, then cut to the chase. Arm the civilians and let them do their own crime fighting, while the cops sit around the station and play with their night sticks.

Unfriendly Neighbors
Source: PIG News Wire [08/22/08]

The Ruskies seem to be having it all their own way, but there are signs that their adventure in the republic of Georgia is spawning those pesky unintended consequences. A prime example is another republic, which was once part of the USSR, Ukraine. This week, they hit the big bully on the block with a double dose of ‘bite me, bear breath’ grief.

Pro-Western Ukraine vowed on Thursday to make Russia seek official permission for movements of its warships based in the ex-Soviet state despite Moscow's objections, placing the neighbours on a collision course.

Russia's Black Sea Fleet is based on Ukraine's Crimea peninsula under an agreement signed by the two ex-Soviet states. Kiev's jurisdiction over the area remains a highly sensitive issue among Russian nationalists and in the peninsula dominated by ethnic Russians.

Ukraine's plans for tougher rules on Russian naval moves, announced by President Viktor Yushchenko on Wednesday, are the latest affront to Moscow after Kiev's sharp criticism of its military incursion into Georgia in support of breakaway regions South Ossetia and Abkhazia.

On Thursday, Georgian Chief of Staff Serhiy Kirichenko said Yushchenko's decree would be carried out, no matter what. "There is a presidential decree and it will, naturally, be implemented," Interfax Ukraine quoted him as saying. "I guarantee that we will do everything to ensure the president's decree is carried out." (Reuters)

As expected, the Ruskie officials responded with a ‘kiss our ursine asses’. The real fun comes when the harbor leasing agreement ends in 2017. According to Ukraine officials, they have no intention of renewing it.

The second Ukranian ‘take this, bully’ adventure involves a Ruskie-built satellite facility that is/was part of a early warning, missile tracking system. Now that Ukraine is an independent republic, Ukranian officials feel free to give full access to their piece of the missile defense network to European countries.

Ukraine said it was ready to give both Europe and America access to its missile warning systems after Russia earlier annulled a 1992 cooperation agreement involving two satellite tracking stations. Previously, the stations were part of Russia's early-warning system for missiles coming from Europe.

"The fact that Ukraine is no longer a party to the 1992 agreement allows it to launch active cooperation with European countries to integrate its information," a statement from the Ukrainian Foreign Ministry said. (Telegraph)

Is Ukraine the next item on Vladamir "Joe Stalin, lite" Putin’s hit list? If it wasn’t already on it, it’s in the top two, along with Poland.

One Man House Arrest Trifecta
Source: The Record [08/20/08]

The three essential rules governing house arrest are obvious and unambiguous: observe your curfew, stay sober, keep the peace. In one action-packed night, a Canadian dude, James Boppre, scored a rule breaking trifecta. With a one more month to go on his nine month house arrest stint, he went on a memorable night on the town.

Ignoring the lessons he learned during the rehab for his drinking problem, James got roaring drunk, got into his truck, then drove into a wide spot on a Canadian road, Kitchener. Once there, he hired a hooker who was plying her wares on a street corner.

Crown prosecutor Mark Poland said Boppre then parked on East Avenue and smoked crack with the woman before they both took their clothes off. Boppre sped away on East, masturbating while watching the woman masturbate, then missed a curve, went over an island and crashed into a parked car at the intersection of Weber Street.

Witnesses saw Boppre grab his clothes and dress while running away, leaving the accident and the naked woman behind. He was arrested after one of the witnesses followed him behind a nearby plaza and gave police a description. (The Record)

Crown Prosecutor Poland tried to get James sent up the river for 6 months of footsie with Canada’s version of Bubba Badass. Justice Colon Westerman rejected that excellent suggestion and gave James Boppre props for staying on the straight and narrow house arrest path for 8 months. Instead of jail, this black robed softie banned James from driving for 5 years, put him on probation for 3 years and sent him back to rehab.

Parting shot: We give James props for falling off the wagon in such a spectacular, PIG-worthy style. We know that rehab can be a bummer, but, if you play your cards right, and land in rehab with Lindsey Lohan, you might become her newest Rehab Romeo. The nifty news about Lindsey is she can’t say ‘no’, to anything, or anybody.

PIG-Worthy International Epics
Source: PIG News Wire [08/20/08]

Blimey!
If faces aren’t red in the halls of government in Birmingham (J.O.E.), they should be. Eager to brag about the unmitigated joy of recycling in the West Mindlands, some council minions put together a pamphlet. Why, you ask, would such a straightforward task elicit embarrassment? Why indeed.

Underneath a resounding headline, "Thank You Birmingham" was an attention grabbing image of Birmingham, Alabama. Where you might expect the Brit Birmingham’s ‘distinctive Rotunda tower and the curvy Selfridges store’, Brit recyclers got a taste of Southern hospitality via the office blocks in the Heart of Dixie.

Was the council the least bit chagrined? Not really. As expected, some council spokesdolt served up the requisite ‘nothing to see here, move along’: "We accept that the wrong photo was used but the text and detail contained in the leaflet is wholly correct which is the most important message as we strive to further improve our green credentials."

If you’re one of the thousands of lucky Brits who got this gem, keep it, and look it over the next time your local council asshats come up for re-election. If they can’t tell the difference between Alabama and the West Midlands, it’s time to put them out to pasture.

Bonkers In Bella Italia
Admittedly, I have a soft spot for the D-cup heartland. I’ve never been to Italy, but, for reasons I need not discuss, I have a high regard for Italians. Despite that, I’m compelled to take them to task over some local ordinances that seem to indicate mind altering substances in the water supply.

* In Capri, it’s illegal to walk around town in your bikini.
* In the seaside town of Eraclea (near Venice), it’s illegal to build sand castles.
* In Eboli, getting too affectionate with your squeeze in public can cost you a $745 fine.
* In downtown Lucca, it’s illegal to feed the pigeons.
* In Novara, it’s illegal for 3 or more people to lounge, together in the parks, at night.
* One dude was fined about $75 for lying down in a Vicenza park to read his book.

It’s time to issue stun guns to rational Italian adults and declare open season on these out of control, regulations bonkers Elected Tormentors.

Thinking With The Little Head
After imbibing a sufficient amount of adult beverages in a Cham (southern Germany) bar, Felix Adler finally got lucky. She was a suitably fetching, 24 year old wench, who threw some winning moves on Felix. After the requisite pleasantries, they left the bar together and took a walk in the woods. Happy days are here again for Felix?

The fun jumped into a higher gear for Felix, when the wench ‘begged him to have sex’. That’s the point in this adventure when Felix shut down his synapses and yielded control to his ‘little head’. Faster than you can say ‘let’s rock’, Felix is stark naked, and ALONE. That’s right, alone. His partner in passion stole his clothes - including the $1,600 he had in his wallet - and took off like a scalded mutt.

Stark naked, he jogged the two miles to a police station, where he told his sorry saga. The bad news is that Felix is the stark naked butt of countless jokes. The good news is that, thanks to his detailed description, Felix’s playmate was quickly tracked down.

Properly PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [08/15/08]

J.O.E.
Bad is coming back to the place where you parked your car, and finding that some asshat has rammed into your ride, knocking it out of its parking place and into a nearby tree. Insufferable is what happened to a Brit woman, Joanne Billington, who found her Ford Ka in that very condition. Why is this insufferable? Because some Oldham Council Parking Nazi had nailed Joanne with a $100 parking ticket for illegally parking her car.

"I was absolutely devastated," the 27-year-old told Metro. "I just couldn't believe what had happened. It was obvious the car had been crashed into but I still got a fine. It's unbelievable that the attendant had the gall to issue one."

Amazingly, despite the front end of the car being in the bushes, the traffic warden claimed he thought it had been parked that way.

"Nobody parks their car like that,'" added Ms Billington, from Halifax. (Ananova)

A council asshat tried to play ‘nothing to see here, move along’ by claiming that the Parking Nazi "did not know that the vehicle had been forced out of the bay". What the hell is he smoking? We always knew that functioning synapses aren’t a necessity for Parking Nazis, but this is the first time we have incontrovertible proof that council punks don’t need them, either. Learn something new every day.

More J.O.E.
Thanks to a walkout by the garbage wranglers, the residents of Birks Road in Huddersfield went without any garbage pickup service from July 2nd to July 30th. Everyone was thrilled, when the strike was settled and the trucks returned to duty, but their joy was short lived. The garbage wranglers would empty the wheelie bins, but flatly refused to pick up all the loose bags of trash that had amassed during their strike.

First, the Birks Road residents complained to the asshats on the local council. Despite promises that an ‘emergency response vehicle’ would be dispatched, it never arrived on the quiet cul-de-sac. After two weeks of bags piling up, and remaining uncollected, the residents of Birks Road were simmering nicely.

This week, it started out as more of the same:

Understandably, tempers were running high by Wednesday of this week. Mrs Jones, a full-time carer, said: 'The lorry didn't turn up until the afternoon, at around 1.30pm - they're supposed to come at 7.15am. So, we had already been phoning that day to see were they were. When they arrived the three binmen refused to take our bin bags so we offered to put them in the back of the lorry ourselves but they weren't having any of it.'

Eventually, a rapid-response vehicle from the council arrived to collect the excess waste. But that was not the end of the saga. 'A guy in a shirt and tie appeared and said, "To teach you a lesson we are not emptying the bins in the street", so we formed a human chain around the lorry,' said Mrs Jones. (Daily Mail)

Did the garbage men prevail? Not this time, because the terminally pissed residents of Birks Road threw up a makeshift barricade and trapped the truck in the cul-de-sac:

One man parked his car across the street, preventing the lorry from getting out. Others formed a human chain around the truck while a group of children sat in front of it and refused to move. Finally, after a two-hour stand-off, the binmen agreed to take all the rubbish and tranquillity was restored to Birks Road. (Daily Mail)

Did the punks on the local council hang their heads in shame? You know better:

'Individual residents can sometimes become agitated and frustrated, and the aim of the crew is to deal with such situations calmly, listen to residents' concerns and then get the job of collecting everyone's refuse and emptying everyone's bins done. This incident was quickly resolved, in line with what we would expect of our collection crews. All the refuse was collected. We always respond to any calls we receive from householders.' (Daily Mail)

PIG confers lavish praise on the Birks Road Rebels for standing their ground. Maybe they should take their show out of the ‘hood and throw a barricade around their local council punks.

British Columbia (Canada)
The house breakers took one look at the 78-years young man and pinned an ‘easy pickings’ label on him. That attitude changed, quickly, after they broke into his house.

"I heard a noise while I was in bed, and it woke me up," said the man, who did not want to be identified. "I looked up and I saw a woman at the foot of my bed. She'd been going through my drawers. I jumped out of bed and I had nothing on - I mean nothing on." (Alberni Valley Times)

Roused from his sleep by the intruders, our hero quickly liberated the 12-gauge shotgun carried by the female half of the house invading duo. Armed and dangerous, our hero put his military training from bygone years to good use and quickly chased them out of his house. After setting up a suitable defense perimeter, our hero called the RCMP, who made short work of rounding up the suspects.

International PIGish Tidbits
Source: PIG News Wire [08/08/08]

That Empty Feeling
The hints were all there, and far from hidden, but some Kiwi car thieves couldn’t be bothered with such petty details. They know better now.

Hint one: The locked station wagon was parked beside a Blenheim (New Zealand) auto repair shop.

Hint two: The car’s engine was dismantled and laid out in the rear part of the car.

Undaunted, the car thieves smashed out one of the car’s windows and tried to hotwire a car that didn’t have an engine! How does ‘D’oh’ sound with a Kiwi accent?

All Tied Up
It was just another Saturday night, for seven members of an Auckland (New Zealand) family. Kicking back over a game of cards, they divided their time between the card game and a replay of a rugby match on the boob tube. The fun jammed into a higher gear, after one member got up to make a pit stop and noticed a ladder resting against the fence outside the two-story house. Going outside to investigate, he folded up the ladder, then realized that it didn’t belong to the family.

Doing the math, the family concluded that they had an uninvited guest somewhere in the house. Three men went upstairs and found a window open in the bathroom. Eager to make their guest feel welcome, the family conducted a room by room search:

The intruder was found hiding out in a bedroom wardrobe and tried to make a run for the bathroom window.

He wasn't fast enough and the three men dragged him back inside by his ankles. He lashed out with punches and kicks but was overpowered and wrestled to the ground.

The son, his mother and an aunt brought rope from the garage and tied the man up while they waited for police.

An officer told the newspaper they arrived to find the alleged burglar "trussed up like a chicken". (NZPA)

PIGish kudos are conferred on this Kiwi family for teaching this housebreaker the errors of his ways.

Flaming Idiot
The essential ingredients in this story are: a seasoned Norwegian citizen, a nest of wasps, a rag soaked in lighter fluid and an ignition source. The fun started the moment our hero decided that his property wasn’t big enough for humans and those damn wasps.

Step one: Soak a rag in lighter fluid.

Step two: Light the rag on fire.

Step three: Drop the rag on the woodpile where the wasps had setup housekeeping.

Step four: Set the wood pile on fire with your flaming eviction notice.

Step five: Unleash an inferno that destroyed the man’s garage and turned his ride into a flaming wreck.

Belatedly, our hero understands that his solution wasn’t ‘an idea whose time has come’:

"Maybe using lighter fluid wasn't such a good idea, but it was an accident all the same and the wasps are gone!" (Aftenposten)

Parting shot: At last report, our hero is waiting to see if his loss is covered by his insurance. We have a word of advice for him, on that score: don’t hold your breath.

Hugo At It Again
Source: Fox News [08/07/08]

If Messiah Barry needs a crash course in how to exceed his constitutional authority, he needs to spend some quality time with Hugo "Skipper" Chavez. What kind of things might the Messiah learn?

* He’d learn how to ignore a bitch slap from a nation’s voters, after you put a referendum on the ballot giving yourself sweeping powers.

* He’d learn that, when you own the legislature, you don’t need to worry about those constitutional niceties.

* He’d learn that, with the right kind of Supreme Court, you can simply disqualify your opponents if they try to run for office.

This week, Hugo played his ‘it’s the law, because I said so’ game by declaring 26 liberty nuking gems the law of the land, in the waning days of his power to impose laws without legislative approva. Fox News cited the following for special attention:

One decree establishes a civilian militia that critics warn could emulate the citizen groups that control many aspects of community life in Cuba. Another gives Chavez the ability to designate regional authorities who critics say could undermine the power of locally elected officials.

Other decrees empower Chavez to expropriate goods from private businesses and increase state control over food, punishing business owners who fail to comply with price controls or other regulations with fines, closure and even 10-year prison terms.

Chavez touted another law he said will strengthen the military by establishing regional zones headed by single commanders and bringing together army, air force, navy and National Guard forces. "It's a marvelous law," he said. "This is one single armed force." (Fox News)

Hugo’s critics point out that, many, if not most, of the 26 decrees Hugo just issued sound suspiciously like the items that Venezuelan voters rejected in that December referendum. Are you taking copious notes, Messiah Barry? Since you plan to become America’s Marxist dictator for life, you need to learn from a pro, and nobody does this petty tyrant crap like Hugo "Skipper" Chavez. In the fullness of time, Messiah Barry, you’ll start calling him ‘Daddy’.

PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG News Wire [07/31/08]

Sand Box Bans Fido and Fluffy
The Sand Box religious police have their dishrag headgear in a painful knot over Fido and Fluffy. According to a relentlessly fun guy, Othman al-Othman - he’s the sanctimonious scumbag in chief for the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice (the Muttawa) - Fido and Fluffy are being used by horny men who want to meet - GASP - women. Dogs and cats? Men and women? Have they no shame?

Since AFP did such a crappy job of reporting, PIG News is forced to read between the lines. Apparently, our horndogs take Fido or Fluffy with them on their ‘scouting expeditions’. If they meet a babe in a baggie that rocks their world, they use Fido or Fluffy to make first contact. From there, ‘wanna pet my doggy’ turns into ‘see anything else you wanna grope’, and faster than you can say ‘ditch that baggie, baby’ nature takes its course. Big fun, too much fun, apparently.

The Muttawa just dredged up an old edict perpetrated by another group of killjoys, the supreme council of Saudi scholars, to make it illegal in this blight on liberty for pet shops to sell dogs and cats. Will the Muttawa meatheads emerge victorious in the unrelenting war on human biology? I seriously doubt it, but it will be a hoot watching them give it the old dishrag try.

Mixed Blessing?
Like this land conceived in liberty, smoking laws in Germany vary from one state to the next. In most cases, with some minor variations, each of the 16 states allows larger establishments to set aside a special room for smokers. That’s fine for a large establishment, but it’s a non-starter for small, one-room pubs. What to do?

This week, Germany’s highest court, the Federal Constitutional Court, deemed the exinting Smoke Nazi laws discriminatory and therefore unconstitutional. The court gave state parliaments until the end of 2009 to ban smoking entirely, or find some way to carve out exceptions for those one-room pubs. Good news? Yes, and no.

In the short run, it’s great news for the one-room pubs, which can now let patrons light ‘em if they’ve got ‘em. The only ‘fine print’ is that they must warn all comers that smoking is allowed. Also, they must turn away anyone under age 18.

In the long run, the outlook is grim. The Smoke Nazis