PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [03/12/10]
PIGish Israeli Parody
I’m pleased to report that being surrounded by hostile neighbors, one of whom has painted them with a nuke ‘em bull’s-eye, hasn’t destroyed the Israeli sense of humor. Prove it? No problem.
An Israeli supermarket chain has perpetrated its own version of that grainy surveillance footage of ‘alleged’ assassins who terminated that Hamas asshat in Dubai.
In the advert for Mahsanei Kimat Hinam shops, disguised customers prowl the supermarket's aisles and an actress wearing a wide-brimmed hat says she: "cannot admit to anything". The final line is: "We offer killer prices."
Advertising executive Sefi Shaked said the campaign was inspired by the original footage. "We were fascinated by the technique of using surveillance cameras instead of high-production cameras, and the latest events in Dubai have given us a great opportunity. It's a parody, a take-off of what happened in Dubai. All the Israeli television comedy shows have done it, so why shouldn't we?" (BBC)
PIGish kudos are conferred on these clever, Israeli, food wrangling capitalists.
Bashing Barry in Indonesia?
Painfully aware that America’s biggest brainfart, a Marxist messiah named Barry, is poised to spread his special brand of Narcissistic joy in their country, some Indonesians are spreading some joy of their own. Believe it or not, some Indonesians aren’t charter members of the Messiah Barry fan club:
‘...Scores of Islamic students staged protests outside Jakarta's parliament and in at least three other major Indonesian cities on Friday against President Barack Obama's upcoming visit to this predominantly Muslim country. The students carried banners branding Obama as an enemy of Islam and an imperialist in downtown Jakarta as well as in the provincial capitals Padang, Yogyakarta and Surabaya...’
‘...Protest organizer Ahmad Irhamul Fikri, spokesman for the Coordinating Board for Campus Proselytizing Institute, said bigger rallies will be staged next Friday in more Indonesian cities ahead of Obama's March 20-22 visit...’ (Yahoo News)
The good news for these Barry bashers is that THE ONE has delayed his trip, so he can ram Obama care up the asses of sovereign American individuals. The bad news for these Barry bashers is that, sooner or later, THE ONE will show up on your doorstep.
The good news for rational American adults is that THE ONE is leaving the country, again. The bad news is that Indonesia won’t keep him, so he’ll be back.
Compelling Canadian InKorrectness
Source: CBC [03/04/10]
Channeling their inner PIGster, some unknown Canadian wits thrilled the snot out of Siberian-Canadians, with their online advertisement. Promoting their "Native Extraction Service", they placed an advertisement on the Used Winnipeg cyberspace speed bump:
The ad, titled "Native Extraction Service," was posted on the website UsedWinnipeg.com, but was taken down by 1:38 p.m. CT on Thursday.
Underneath the title was a picture of three aboriginal males, who look to be in their mid to late teens.
The text of the ad read: "Have you ever had the experience of getting home to find those pesky little buggers hanging outside your home, in the back alley or on the corner???
Well fear no more, with my service I will simply do a harmless relocation. With one phone call I will arrive and net the pest, load them in the containment unit (pickup truck) and then relocate them to their habitat.
It doesn't matter if they need to be dropped off on Salter (Street, in Winnipeg's North End) or the rez, I will go that extra mile. The North End of Winnipeg is where many city dwellers of First Nations descent live."
"My service is free because I want to live in the same city you do, a clean one," the ad said. (CBC)
Believe it or not, some Siberian-Canadians are not the least bit amused by this outburst of entrepreneurial capitalism. In fact, they have their loincloths in a painful ‘Hate Crime’ knot over it.
North-Wilson/CBC)On Thursday, First Nations leaders at Manitoba Keewatinowi Okimakanak (MKO), an organization representing most First Nations communities in northern Manitoba, said they want police to investigate the ad as a hate crime. "The way it's worded, 'to relocate them to their habitat.' Here we are trying to teach our kids better. The kids out there are told they're not wanted", said MKO Grand Chief David Harper. "This is unacceptable." (CBC)
"Native Extraction Service"? That’s PIGish to the ‘nth degree’.
Holy Hookers, Batman!
Source: Fox News [03/02/10]
In addition to tending to the human soul, a self-defined holy man - Hindu swami Shiv Nyra Dwivedi - also provided pay for play services which ministered to certain ‘earthly’ needs. That’s right, PIGsters, this holy huckster was using his temple in south Delhi as a front for an impressive prostitution ring which deployed 200 horizontal entertainment specialists to horny clients, sometimes in 5-star hotels.
In his spiritual guise he claimed a following of more than 100,000 people, including leading politicians. Undercover officers arrested him, another alleged pimp and six alleged prostitutes including two flight attendants, one from British Airways and one from the Indian airline Jagson, on Friday evening, Delhi police said.
The six women, aged between 19 and 30 and including an MBA student, each gave fake Indian names, apart from one identified only as “Ms. Julie.” Delhi police did not specify their nationalities. BA told The Times that it was looking into the report.
A police statement said that the suspects were detained as the alleged pimps negotiated a deal with a group of young men near a cinema in the upmarket Saket neighborhood of the Indian capital. Police also found a network of tunnels and secret rooms at Dwivedi’s temple as well as six diaries and other documents detailing his alleged involvement in prostitution, according to media reports. (Fox)
Airline stewardess hookers? I sounds like the so-called plot of a porn flick.
Parting shot: Dwivedi’s sideline puts an interesting new spin on the phrase ‘when the spirit moves me’.
Nepal’s PIGish Speed Bump On The Calendar
Source: PIG News Wire [03/01/10]
For 10 glorious days, each year, the young ‘uns of two Nepalese villages exchange the kind of pleasantries which make a Free State of PIG staff meeting relentlessly thrilling. It’s the annual ‘cursing festival’ and it sounds like a properly PIGish good time:
The youngsters in the neighbouring villages of Parsawa and Laxmipur hurl insults at each other, their neighbours, villagers and passers-by -- and then laugh.
They gather in parks and other areas around straw heaped in the shape of a phallus to launch into the insults.
Insults like, "Monkey face, I hope your sons are as ugly as frogs," and "I hope your buffaloes die of diarrhea," ring out along with more obscene curses.
Village elders say the annual festival, which is just for youngsters, has been going on for as long as they can remember. (AFP)
I’d suggest a similar event here, in the USA, but, with a population as heavily armed as ours, that could get messy. Nah, I’ll just keep sharing those painful pleasantries all year long, as the need arises.
Relentlessly PIGish International Tales
Source: PIG News Wire [02/26/10]
Answering The Call of Booty
A German horndog, Daniele Eberhardt, was not a happy camper, after his main squeeze got busted, and thrown in a low security jail in the Brit Army garrison town of Bielefeld, Germany. A man in love needs more than daily visits where he trades sweet nothings, in a very public graybar visiting room. He needs a daily dose of ‘wham bam, thank you ma’am’. What’s a man in love to do, when those killjoys lock up his woman? What indeed.
Daniele Eberhardt, 33, scaled a ten-foot fence, dodged surveillance cameras and used a skeleton key made from a spoon to break into the low-security jail in the British Army garrison town of Bielefeld, Germany. For nearly a month the other female jailbirds were driven to distraction by the passionate moans coming from cell 13 in Detention House C7 of the jail for petty thieves, drug criminals and benefit fraudsters.
It got so bad that the convicts broke the unwritten law of the underworld and told guards about the couple's illicit trysts. Friedhel Sanker, deputy governor of the prison, said: "Some of the other women felt that their sleep was being disturbed, while others feared that the man might try to come and visit them, too. They were going at it quite energetically, apparently."
"It was like listening to a bad porno movie," one female inmate told a German newspaper. "Lots of grunting and groaning, whispering sweet nothings. It was very hard on us who didn't have anyone to cuddle up with. You have to hand it to him - it took some nerve to break into a place most people want to get out of!"
In response to complaints, prison officials installed a video surveillance camera. Sure enough, it caught Daniele on his nocturnal mating missions and he was arrested. (Daily Mail)
Daniele will still be getting a nightly jailhouse booty call, but I doubt he’ll enjoy it as much, when his partner is the Kraut equivalent of Bubba.
No Joking Matter, In Poland
Life is just one damn thing after another, as far as Leszek Stepien, 62, of Skwierzyna (Poland) is concerned. It’s enough to drive a man to drink, which our hero did, at some point in the festivities.
First, his truck broke down, compelling Leszek to head for the local garage, with the truck in tow. Unwilling to hire a tow truck, and lacking a suitable vehicle, to do his own towing, Leszek cast his bleary eyes on his trusty farm steed, Dobbin.
Dobbin managed to tow his drunk owner and the truck, without too much difficulty. All Leszek had to do was steer in a straight line, a task made unnecessarily challenging, in his drunk as a skunk condition:
The impromptu carriage ground to a halt when the farmer managed to steer straight into the path of an oncoming car, sending the truck tumbling onto its side.
Stepien wasn't about to take the blame for the collision, however. Uninjured, he sprang from the cab and proceeded to berate the poor beast, yelling: "This is all your fault."
Police were less than amused by the bizarre scene that greeted them, and revealed that the foolish farmer faces dire consequences for his flash of inspiration. "Luckily the horse wasn't injured but the owner is facing charges including animal cruelty and drink driving," said one officer, who revealed that Stepien had drunk enough to put him over twice the legal drink-driving limit. (Ananova)
If you’re compelled to try this at home, do us a favor and take LOTS of pictures.
‘Traveler’ Complains After A Bad Trip
Our hero - Stoner - knows what he likes, and when he doesn’t get it, he does something about it. In this case, he headed for a police station in southern Sweden to lodge a formal complaint about - I am not making this up - the quality of the hashish that he recently purchased. He wanted the Swedish cops to test it for traces of LSD.
The man told officers that his ganja had not delivered the desired effect, leaving him feeling decidedly ill-at-ease and in the midst of a nightmare scenario where his girlfriend resembled a dolphin.
The young dope fiend confirmed to police that he was a regular user of hashish. In his ten years of recreational use of the drug, classified as illegal in Sweden since 1930, he had never experienced such a bad trip, he told the police.
The man thus suspects that his hash could have been laced with a psychedelic substance, such as LSD.
The man told how that as he sucked on his joint, his television began to talk to him and he came to the realisation that his girlfriend was in fact a dolphin. (The Local)
My boob tube talks to me, all the time, and, more often than not, I am forced to respond with high volume pleasantries. On that other score - "my girlfriend looks like a dolphin" - I’m forced to admit that there’s something very fishy about that.
International News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [02/19/10]
No Joy In J.O.E.
If those nifty drones can bag Jihadikazes in the war zone, why not use them for standard police work, such has locating fleeing suspects? It’s a perfectly reasonable question for which one Brit police department - the Merseyside Police - have the answer. As usual, they hit a speed bump, or two, on the way to this newfound knowledge.
The landmark arrest of a teenager fleeing from a stolen car could land police in court for illegally using an unmanned flying surveillance drone. The arrest, by Merseyside Police, was hailed as a step forward in policing history in a statement released to the media last week.
But the force may have committed a criminal offence since it did not have permission from the Civil Aviation Authority to fly its new Unmanned Aerial Vehicle.
Officers used the UAV, which is equipped with thermal imaging cameras, to pursue two suspects travelling in a stolen Renault Clio in Bootle in January. One 20-year-old was arrested at the scene, and a 16-year-old who ran away and hid in bushes 300ft away was tracked down by the UAV.
However, Merseyside Police appears to have overlooked new legislation brought in to address concerns about the safety implications of flying unmanned aircraft in built-up areas. (Ananova)
Despite its proven effectiveness, Merseyside’s UAV is grounded, indefinitely, until the relevant bureaucrats pull their heads out of their butts.
Southeast Asia Sand Wars?
Perched on an island off the southern tip of the Malay peninsula, Singapore is a city-state whose growth is limited by - DUH - the size of the island itself. It is what it is, and there’s no way to change that, or is there?
A London Telegraph news story reports that, since 1960, Singapore’s size has increased by 20%. How? The city-state has been importing sand for its on-going land reclamation and development projects. It was all going swimmingly for Singapore, until some of its Southeast Asian neighbors imposed a ban on exporting sand. What to do? What indeed.
Some eager capitalists seized the moment and faster than you can say ‘sand wars’, a thriving sand smuggling market is up and running. As expected, the ‘stolen’ sand’s rightful owners have unresolved ‘issues’ with that.
‘...Thieves have begun making night-time raids on the picturesque sandy beaches of Indonesia and Malaysia, carving out millions of tons of coastline and leading to fears of an imminent environmental catastrophe on a swath of tropical islands.
Singapore's land developers are now pitted against environmental groups, who claim several of the 83 border islands off the north coast of Indonesia could disappear into the sea in the next decade unless the smugglers are stopped.
"It is a war for natural resources that is being fought secretly," said Nur Hidayati, Greenpeace Indonesia spokesman. "The situation has reached critical levels and the tropical islands of Nipah, the Karimun islands and many small islands off the coast of Riau are shrinking dramatically and on the brink of disappearing into the sea. The smugglers have no problem getting it into Singapore and these boats are rarely intercepted by customs boats or the navy. The supply is constant."
Environmental activists claim sand smugglers visit the beaches of these islands during the night in small barges. They dredge the sand and then sail straight into Singapore port, where they sell it to international brokers...’
‘...The Singapore government has declined to comment but corruption has been blamed for much of the trade. Last month, 34 Malaysian civil servants were arrested for accepting bribes and sexual favours to facilitate sand smuggling to Singapore.
The main motorway from Malaysia to Singapore was blocked for most of the day last Monday when 37 lorries loaded with sand were abandoned after their drivers learnt of a customs operation at the border.
According to Malaysia's former prime minister, 700 lorries a day loaded with sand cross the border to Singapore...’ (Telegraph)
I seem to be the only one who sees the best way to resolve this situation. Instead of pissing off its neighbors, Singapore should strike a deal with the ‘more sand than we need’ mother lode: Saudi Arabia. Singapore could get the sand it needs, and the Sandbox could open up a new growth industry that isn’t linked to its limited pool of black gold.
Postal Punk Gives Mail Recipient a Finger Fleecing
The whining piece of shit at the heart of this story is a steaming pile of poop, mail-delivery asshole, Dennis Coleman. Dennis is the kind of rat bastard who makes this pagan scribbler’s blood boil. Fair warning, postal punk, I’m thisclose to coming over there to kick your caterwauling ass.
What, you ask, did Dennis do to piss off this notoriously mild-mannered pagan scribbler? What indeed.
While making his rounds, Dennis cut his middled finger while delivering mail to Martin Welch’s home. It happened, when the mailbox flap snapped shut and snagged turd boy’s middle finger. In record time, Dennis was giving Martin Welch a one-finger salute with that same finger, via a lawsuit. After doing the shyster fee math, Martin Welch let turd boy fleece him for £3,000, after turd boy refused his initial £500 settlement.
Mr Welch believes the accident in Stokesley, North Yorkshire, last March, occurred because Mr Coleman was rushing to finish his round.
But the postman said the letter box was dangerous because it incorporated a home-made draught-excluder. He said the cut to the finger on his dart-throwing hand was so severe that he was off work for six weeks.
Mr Welch was out at the time of the accident. He knew nothing of it until a claim document arrived from TMJ Legal Services. It said: ‘It will be alleged that you were in breach of your statutory duties under the Occupiers Liability Act 1957.’ It added that Mr Coleman would be seeking financial compensation due to ‘loss of opportunity to obtain prize money from darts competition’.
But within a few months of the accident, Mr Coleman was back on top form on the North East darts circuit, competing for the £750 top prize in the Teesside Ranking Event at Marton Country Club, Middlesbrough. (Daily Mail)
Martin, dude, this pile of post office crap gave you the royal shaft. In a perfect world, you’d ram a lawn dart up turd boy’s ass, and leave it there. How long should it stay there? It should stay put, until Dennis gets over himself, refunds your money - with interest - then volunteers to remove himself from the human gene pool, preferably courtesy of a ‘firing squad’ armed with lawn darts.
PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [02/12/10]
Kiwi Doctor Gets Too Real
His patient is a very wide load. She’s such a wide load that she’s on a waiting list for that tonnage shedding desperate measure, gastric bypass surgery. While she’s in that queue, her doctor aimed her at more conventional tonnage shedding measures, adding some undoctorly pleasantries to punctuate his professional, medical advice:
A surgeon in New Zealand has received a dressing down for swearing at a severely obese patient. The female patient made the complaint after a very tense consultation with her surgeon last year.
The New Zealand Herald newspaper reports the doctor said "f..." at least three times after the 44-year-old obese woman told him she did not like the word "diet" and preferred the term "lifestyle". The doctor told his patient she was "going on a f...ing diet". (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)
After the caterwauling wide load whined about this badly needed dose of tough medical love, the unnamed sawbones cemented his PIG dude status, with more of the same:
‘...[The extra wide load] received a letter from the surgeon saying they no longer had a "therapeutic relationship" and her name had been removed from his waiting list...’
Predictably, the relevant Kiwi bureaucrat - New Zealand's Health and Disability Commissioner - got huffy about our PIG dude’s "insulting" and "unprofessional" conduct. He then proved that humor isn’t dead in New Zealand’s bureaucracy by telling our hero of plain speaking that he needs to attend a communications skills course.
A communications skills course? Bullshit! As far as I’m concerned, he got his message across with compelling efficiency. It’s not his fault that the bloated blob of blubber on the receiving end couldn’t handle it.
Scorned In Sweden
If you think the adage "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is mere hyperbole, get over it. If you can’t reach that intellectual epiphany on your own, maybe the following ‘scorned on steroids’ epic will get ‘er done:
An 18-year-old woman in northern Sweden has been charged with harassment after taping pictures of her ex-boyfriend's private parts on lampposts near his home. The scorned teen also scrawled her 24-year-old ex-boyfriend's name and phone number on the pictures, along with an unflattering comment about the size of his sex organ, Expressen reports.
Appalled that her former beau had ended their short dalliance, the 18-year-old peppered him with text messages imploring him to rethink matters. On hearing that he had met a 23-year-old woman and did not want anything more to do with her, the enraged poster girl swiftly redirected her ire at her new love rival. She began hanging up pictures of the woman, her cleavage heavily exposed, with a note suggesting she was a "slut" who was only interested in the 24-year-old for sex.
The 18-year-old also hurled eggs at, and affixed pictures to, her ex-lover's car. (The Local)
As bad as this sounds, it could have been much worse. Her ex-lover should thank the scorned wench didn’t go Lorena Bobbitt on his little soldier. It’s glass half full time in the PIGdom.
Lights Out In Hugostan
Source: Hot Air [02/09/10]
For our favorite Marxist moonbat, Hugo "Skipper" Chavez, life is one damn thing after another. Despite sitting on a large pool of oil, Skipper is still having trouble producing enough energy to keep the lights on in Hugostan.
In this case, Hugo’s surplus of crude oil is no help at all because most of Venezuela’s power is hydroelectric. That puts Skipper at the mercy of Mother Nature, a humor-challenged wench who is rewarding Hugo’s asinine antic with a power-draining drought:
President Hugo Chavez inaugurated a folksy new radio talk-show on Monday by declaring an “electricity emergency” in oil-rich Venezuela.
Despite its huge crude reserves, the South American OPEC member relies on hydro-electricity for 70 percent of its power needs, and a drought has hit supply since late 2009.
“We are ready to decree the electricity emergency, because it really is an emergency,” Chavez said in the first edition of a show on state radio air waves called “Suddenly Chavez.”
With electricity cuts weighing on Chavez’s popularity ahead of important legislative elections in September, the government blames the shortages on the drought and soaring demand during five years of economic growth until 2008.
But critics say poor management and under-investment have undermined the power grid and exposed the failings of Chavez’s “21st century socialism” policies during his 11-year rule.
Stealing a march on Orwell’s Big Brother, Skipper does a lot more than mere ‘watching’. He’s the Big Brother who won’t STFU. His hours-long "Hello M. President" Boob Tube blight was/is an exercise in yammering narcissism, but it's not enough for a legend in his own mind, like Skipper Chavez. Now, he’s kicking the assault on Venezuelan sanity up several notches with his "Suddenly Chavez" boom box bloviating, which seizes the radio airwaves, whenever Hugo gets a wild, ‘I need to talk’, hair up his fat Marxist butt. Hell on Earth? You better believe it SHUT UP FAT BOY, Sparky.
All things considered, a Hugo-silencing power outage would qualify as a sanity-saving blessing.
Wake Up, Sparky, I Need It NOW!
Source: News.au [02/09/10]
Stoned out of his mind, and sound asleep, our Aussie hero, Lionel Spratt, wasn’t rigged for action, when his lady friend got that itch only Lionel could scratch. Unwilling to wait for her man to snap out of it, she started the festivities without him. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not THAT, mind in the gutter Sparky.
Pulling into Northern Territories pit stop, our terminally horny wench parked the ride, then walked around to the passenger seat, where, straddling Lionel, she initiated a different kind of ride. Unwilling to stop, once she got going, she didn’t allow anything, or anyone, to interrupt her road trip to ecstacy:
Prosecutor James Tierney said Spratt's friend drove up to the bowser closest to the shop, got out of the driver's side door and got in the passenger's side and sat on him. The service station attendant could see the pair "kissing passionately", and Mr Tierney said the attendant could hear loud moaning and the woman was "moving in ways that gave the impression the pair was having sexual inter course".
The attendant called the police, who arrived and asked the couple to stop. They did not, and Spratt was not arrested until 27 minutes later. The court was told that the two police officers had waited beside the vehicle for Spratt and his friend to "compose themselves". (News.au)
Proving that Aussie justice is blind, they gave the horny wench who was the, uh, prime mover a free pass and decided, instead, to nail Lionel, a dude who was, in every sense of the word, just along for the ride.
More Chinese Censorship
Source: PIG News Wire [02/05/10]
Painfully aware that the free exchange of ideas is the life blood of liberty, China’s Commie masters are systematically choking off the free flow of ideas, by any, and all, means at their disposal. That means a full, frontal, assault on a tyrant’s worst nightmare, that free speech bastion of ‘forbidden’ ideas, the Internet.
First, there was the great firewall of China. Next, came the banning of FaceBook, YouTube, and numerous other popular cyberspace speed bumps where ‘forbidden’ ideas, like inalienable individual liberty and/or Communism sucks, might be lurking. Determined to tame the cyberspace beast, China forced its citizens to register domain names with the state, before the all-powerful state would allow an individual to deploy a personal web site.
It was all going as planned, until that new terror of technology, the cell phone, became the preferred means to access the Internet for 750 million Chinese CellIdiots. What to do?
China Mobile, China's biggest cellphone operator and the world's biggest by market value, says that text messages would automatically be scanned for "key words" provided by the police to see if they contained "unhealthy" content. Implementing these new rules could be interesting. China Mobile subscribers sent more than 600 billion texts in 2008.
The text message content will be screened to see if it contains any of the 13 proscribed terms listed by nine government departments, including the description of sexual acts or human sexual organs, or any type of sexual innuendo.
China Unicom says text messages would only be blocked on cellphones if the number of indecent messages reached a certain amount or if other users submitted complaints.
Mobile phone users are worried that their privacy may be violated by the new rules. The Chinese constitution guarantees freedom of correspondence, and only in cases of criminal investigations can the public security bureau censor correspondence between people. However, given the levels of state surveillance that are allowed in China, there is unlikely to be a big fuss. (Daily Variety)
Censorship on steroids? You better believe it, Big Brother is Watching, Sparky.
Banning A Lethal Blade in J.O.E.
Source: PIG News Wire [02/05/10]
Brit officials are gearing up for new menace which is made - believe it or not - here in the good old USA. It’s called a ‘Wasp Knife’ and it sounds like an especially lethal implement. How deadly is it? Very, since its primary use is to kill sharks and bears.
Senior police officers have been warned to look out for a new knife which can inject a ball of compressed gas into its victim that instantly freezes internal organs.
The 'wasp knife', which can deliver a ball of compressed gas capable of killing its victim at the press of a button, may be heading for Britain, the Metropolitan Police fear. A needle in the tip of the blade shoots out the frozen ball of gas which instantly balloons to the size of a basketball, freezing organs.
The Metropolitan Police have told colleagues in the West Midlands to be on the lookout for the blade, which is designed to kill sharks and bears.
The manufacturer describes it as perfect for downed pilots, soldiers and security guards and boasts that it will "drop many of the world's largest land predators". It can snap-freeze all tissue and organs in the area surrounding the blast. (Daily Mail)
Here’s a PIGish bit of hyperventilating from a Brit Elected Tormentor, Labor MP, Khalid Mahmood:
"Weapons like this are absolutely disgraceful and there is no reason at all why people should be walking around the streets with them. There should be high-profile operations and high-profile arrests against anybody caught with them. The way to tackle the wider issue of knife crime is with effective community policing, which the West Midlands force does very well."
Khalid, dude, you've got your head up your ass. Knife crime wouldn’t be a knickers knotting menace in J.O.E., if its law abiding citizens had the right to keep and bear arms for their own self-defense.
Pakistan’s "Biggest Dick"
Source: Girlieman of the Week [02/05/10]
If you think NO NADs have cornered the market on penis envy, get over it. Besieged by feelings of inadequacy, certain pigmy-wanged officials in the Sandbox’s equivalent of America’s State Department black flagged Pakistan’s new ambassador from taking up a diplomatic post in the kingdom.
Why? Because Akbar Zeb, a distinguished diplomat, is Pakistan’s "Biggest Dick".
Confused? Don’t be. ‘Foreign Policy’ has all the turgid, John Holmes-worthy facts:
In Saudi Arabia, size does count.
A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to "Biggest Dick" in Arabic. Saudi officials, apparently overwhelmed by the idea of the name, put their foot down and gave the idea of his being posted there, the kibosh.
According to this Arabic-language article in the Arab Times, Pakistan had previously floated Zeb's name as ambassador to the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain, only to have him rejected for the same reason. One can only assume that submitting Zeb's name to a number of Arabic-speaking countries is some unique form of punishment designed by the Pakistani Foreign Ministry -- or the result of a particularly egregious cockup.
There might be hope for Pakistan after all, if its Foreign Ministry uses this dude’s knickers knotting name to torture its hypersensitive neighbors.
International PIGish News
Source: PIG News Wire [01/29/10]
Warp Speed De-Icing
From our ‘it seemed like a nifty notion’ news pile, we bring you the story about an ‘outside the box’ gem hatched by a 76 year old German dude. Faced with a car that was frozen by the on-going, Globally Warmed antics of Old Man Winter, our hero decided to speed up the thawing out process. How? He put a blow heater under the hood of his ride, switched it on, and waited for his idea to get the job done.
Did his idea succeed? That depends on how you define ‘success’.
"He burned the vehicle out completely," said a spokesman for police in the western city of Hildesheim. Police said the man left the heater on next to the frozen windscreen washer tank and returned indoors. Shortly afterwards he heard two explosions and returned to find the car ablaze. He alerted fire services, who arrived in time to prevent the flames destroying his house. Including charring of the building, total damages were estimated at 40,000 euros ($US56,240). (Stuff.co.nz)
If you decide to try this one at home, be sure and photograph the ensuing inferno. I’ll want to see pictures of THAT.
A Very Sticky Situation
An Aussie dude, named Gye Gardener, blundered into the PIG spotlight, when he hit his head on the boom of his truck, breaking the headset to his phone. From that point, it was one damn thing after another.
His first move was a good one: use some superglue to fix the headpiece to his phone. His next move - put it back into his ear before the glue had time to dry - wasn’t the smartest thing he’s ever done. I will, however, give him partial credit for duress, since he was prompted to do something that moronic, when he got a call from his boss.
By the time he had his ‘D’Oh’ moment, the glue had completed its assigned task, making his ear and the phone inseparable. What to do? What indeed.
"Usually it's in my ear all day anyway - friends suggested to leave it in there and just plug my ear into the powerpoint at night to charge it. But I did get a little worried and thought 'This is not good, this is really not good at all'."
Mr Gardner told the Northern Territory News it crossed his mind to use his pocket knife to remove the unwanted gear from his ear. "I realised I didn't want to see myself going to a doctor to put my ear back on after I chopped it off. So I used a spoon."
The 43-year-old said he scraped the earpiece out of his ear with a spoon but several pieces of skin were still stuck to the headphones. "Yes, it did hurt - but I guess I did hurt my pride much more than it did hurt my ear." (Northern Territory News)
This is where I’m supposed to rant about the terrors of technology, but I forego that pleasure, because I’m too busy laughing.
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Eager to increase awareness over the sad plight of the world’s orangutans, an Aussie zoo got a case of the cutes when it offered a "free Zoo entry for all rangas" during the ongoing school holidays. So what? So, in addition to denoting orangutans, the word ‘ranga’ is Aussie slang for redheads. If you think some gingers set their hair on fire over this utterly harmless play on words, give yourself a cookie.
"We seem to be getting quite a bit of a negative reaction to that request," said Zoos SA's director of conservation programs Kevin Evans. "People are possibly more sensitive about it than we thought. We have a campaign over the school holidays because of orang-utans being an endangered species - and so are human redheads. Because of the way people move around these days, the genes that carry redheads are breeding out to brunettes and blondes."
The zoo has dropped the ads but will continue to offer free entry to people with red hair for the next two weeks. Zoo staff will not seek proof that patrons are natural redheads: "We're not actually checking tops and tails, or anything like that," Mr Evans said. (Ananova, emphasis added)
Call me names if you must, but I love that last line about ‘checking tops and tails’. Congratulations Kevin, you’re our kind of dude.
Indonesian Islamikaze Insanity
Believe it or not, Islamikaze-infested Indonesia has its own cadre of professional killjoys. It’s called the Fatwa Commission and it’s probably more fun than you imagine.
Their greatest Fatwa hits include a bitch-slap for individuals who practice yoga plus a Fatwa bashing individuals who don’t vote in elections. As thrilling as that sounds, this Killjoy Cadre is mulling a new Fatwa and it’s another thriller.
Egged on by those relentlessly fun guys, Muslim clerics, the professional Fatwa wranglers are mulling a new edict that would ban individuals of the female persuasion from ‘having perms or straightening their hair, which they described as "inviting moral danger"...’
‘...[The Fatwa Commission is] now considering a request to tackle the craze among pupils in religious boarding schools. Clerics from East Java have also requested a fatwa banning dreadlocks, punk haircuts and "funky hairstyles".
Aminudin Yakub, the deputy secretary of the Fatwa Commission, said: "For now, we are yet to make an institutional decision on this. So far, we have not seen strong evidence to ban it. It could be discussed in future but right now it is not a priority."...’ (London Telegraph)
How exactly would they word this one? Hmmm. If they’re at a loss for words, I have some they can use when they admonish errant Islamikaze wenches: "When it comes to your hair, don’t ‘DO’ it."
Ronald McDonald Oinks Things Up in Singapore
Source: Reuters [01/22/10]
Eager to bolster their bottom line in their Far East franchises, the suits running McDonald’s decided to cash in on the forthcoming Lunar New Year holiday. How? They started selling a line of toys geared to the animals depicted on the Chinese zodiac calendar. So far, so good, until a spasm of Korrectness came back to bite them.
How, they asked themselves, can we suck up to the 75% of Singapore which is ethnically Chinese, without pissing off the notoriously tolerant 15% of Singapore denizens who are Mecca Maniac? Taking dead aim at the problem, the burger wranglers decided to expunge the Pig - which makes Islamikazes cranky - from the Chinese zodiac and replace it with a Valentine’s Day character, Cupid. What could possibly go wrong?
[T]he move, just ahead of the Lunar New Year holiday and Valentine's Day in February, backfired as many Chinese customers complained in chatrooms and blogs that they would not have a chance to buy the animal sign of their birth year.
"We're sorry, and we're grateful," the fast food chain said in a half-page advertisement in the Straits Times newspaper, saying it never intended to offend anyone.
Multi-racial Singapore has successfully avoided racial tension since deadly riots in the 1960s, though the government sees race as the biggest potential fault line in society.
"I understand that we need to respect our Muslim citizens as Singapore is a multiracial and multicultural society," Pauline Koh, whose daughter was born in the Year of Pig, wrote to the Straits Times. "However, in this case, the Pig is one of the Chinese zodiac signs -- part of Chinese culture and customs -- and it is just a soft toy, not food," she wrote. (Reuters)
Happily ever after? I doubt it, but the turmoil shapes up to be PIGish fun.
An Utterly PIG-Worthy Protest
Source: The Local [01/20/10]
It’s far from PIG-worthy, when some Swedish college students stage a protest at an outpost capitalism. Been there. Done that. So what?
It rates a second look, when the outpost of capitalism is a brewery. I know what you’re thinking and you’re WRONG.
This story is catapulted from ‘I’m listening’ to ‘Tell me EVERYTHING’, when you find out the reason for the protest. The students are protesting AGAIN, the brewery’s steadfast refusal to build a pipeline from the brewery to the Ivory Tower’s students’ union. A beer pipeline? We absolutely need a one of those for the PIG Bunker.
“Hopefully we’ll get a pipeline relatively soon,” student union chair Alexander Westerling told the Göteborgs-Posten (GP) newspaper ahead of his negotiations with the brewery.
Westerling was joined by roughly 50 other students from Chalmers University of Technology who marched into the Carlsberg Brewery in Falkenberg, south of Gothenburg. The demonstration was part of a tradition started in 1959 when the Chalmers University student union purchased one share in what was then known as Pripp & Lyckholm, part of the company which operated the brewery until it was purchased by Carlsberg in 2000.
The stock purchase gave the students a seat at the company's annual shareholders meeting, allowing them an opportunity to push the brewery to build a roughly 100 kilometre long pipeline to the university in order to facilitate the supply of beer to the Chalmers’ student union. But progress on building the pipeline has been slow over the last five decades. So far, only two metres of pipe have been laid – one near the university, and one near a now abandoned brewery in central Gothenburg. No further construction has taken place since 1968. (The Local)
This is one student protest the Free State of PIG can support. "No pipeline, no peace."
PIGish World News
Source: PIG News Wire [01/15/10]
Gravity Kicks Lardass
The headline and the subhead, from this London Telegraph story give you almost all of the essentials:
Weight Watchers clinic floor collapses under dieters
The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Sweden collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight loss programme who were gathered for a meeting.
If that’s not enough to make you laugh like a mental patient, this final bit of prose might get the job done:
The cause of the floor's collapse remains under investigation.
You can bet the fat farm that the group of Swedish wide loads who made the floor collapse weren’t members of the legendary Swedish Bikini Team.
Too Much of a Good Thing
It’s not breaking news, when a Scottish ski resort stays closed in winter.
It’s still not breaking news when the ski resort closure is due to the quantity of snow.
However, when a Scottish ski resort is staying closed because they have TOO MUCH snow, that’s a show stopper.
Cairngorm Mountain in northeast Scotland more often deals with a lack of snow but this year it is grappling with a different problem -- 185 centimetres (73 inches) of snow since Christmas in the worst bout of winter weather since the 1970s.
Resort staff toiled all day Thursday to clear snow, but they arrived back Friday to find their hard work was in vain after strong winds blew snow across access roads, creating 15 foot (4.6 metre) high drifts. "We have come in this morning and it feels like groundhog day -- all our work yesterday has been filled in again," said Colin Matthew, the head of ski patrol. "The mountain and all facilities, access roads and car parks will be closed today to allow digging out after major drifting during the storm."
The resort's snow ploughs cannot even get through the drifting and it has had to hire special heavy diggers, said resort spokesman Colin Kirkwood, adding it could be Monday before the resort reopens. (AFP)
When the Hot Air Buffoon hears about all this Globally-Warmed snow creating chaos, he’ll start bellowing about a new Ice Age. Now that’s MY idea of a very inconvenient truth.
Picky, Picky, Picky
Source: News.au [01/08/10]
It’s accurate to state that, during a visit to Darwin, in Australia’s Northern Territories, that the locals made a vivid, lasting, impression on United States Marine Captain John Campbell. It’s equally accurate to state that many Darwin denizens think Capt. Campbell should keep his response to that lasting, vivid impression to himself, instead of spewing his ‘Ugly American’ class drivel in a letter to the local Aussie fishwrap.
Capt. John Campbell said the city's women wore too little to attract "nice men" after he spent a night out on Mitchell Street, The Northern Territory News reports.
"It's about having standards, ladies. What are standards? Well, it can begin by dressing in a manner that leaves something to the imagination, to say the least."
"Ladies have been conned into thinking that just because you have it means you should flaunt it. Come on ladies, don't send us mixed messages. That's what you do every time you dress with less than nothing on."
One local, a 19 year nightclub dancer, has a ready response for Capt. Campbell: "Put it where the sun doesn’t shine."
Parting shot: Is Capt. Campbell a free ranging prude who is complaining about the QUANTITY of booty on display? Or, is Capt. Campbell a free ranging booty connoisseur who is complaining about the QUALITY of the booty on display? It’s enquiring minds time in the FSOP.
Utterly PIGish World News
Source: PIG News Wire [01/08/10]
Smiting, or ‘Shit Happens’?
The focal point of this explosive tale is a ‘safehouse’, located in the commercial center of Karachi (Pakistan). As things turned out, the house wasn’t quite safe enough to protect its Jihadikaze inhabitants from their own ham-fisted ineptitude.
The key components of this epic are 8 Jihadikazes from the terrorist infested Swat Valley, an unknown quantity of explosives, and rampant stupidity. If you see where we’re headed, don’t spoil it for the merely mortal.
Pakistani officials say at least eight suspected militants have been killed in an explosion at their safehouse in the commercial center of Karachi. Investigators say the suspected militants accidentally detonated the explosives Friday, destroying the safehouse. Bomb squads helped search through the rubble. Police say some of the victims are militants and at least two suspects have been arrested. Officials also recovered guns, grenades, suicide vests and other explosives from the scene. (Voice of America News)
I suspect it went down something like this:
Grizzled Jihadikaze Veteran: "Whatever you do, don’t touch that button, until you’re ready to scores some heavenly virgin booty."
Horny Jihadikaze Greenhorn: "Don’t touch what? Oh, you must mean THIS." CLICK...KA-BOOM
A Terrors of Technology Tale
Three members of Pakistan’s national field hockey team learned some essential things during an international meet in Argentina, last month. First, and foremost, they found out that what happens in Argentina doesn’t stay in Argentina. Second, and equally important, they found out that ‘World Wide Web’ means that those Islamikazes back home, will notice when someone posts images of you acting ‘unIslamic’ on a FaceBook page.
Our hapless victims of globe-spanning technology are a player on the team named Rehan Butt, a team coach named Shahid Ali Khan, and a team manager named Asif Bajwa. Their alleged sin is no big deal, to a rational adult, but, it’s a big hairy deal, to Pakistan’s Islamikaze prudes.
Pictures run by a Pakistani television channel and posted on the Internet showed one of the men hugging a woman and another apparently drinking a beer. Another picture showed a group of men sitting at a table with glasses in front of them, apparently containing alcohol.
Bajwa told Dunya Television the woman in the photograph was a tournament liaison officer. "All officials and players considered her as our sister," Bajwa said before the fines were imposed. The pictures were taken at the end of the tournament, after Pakistan lost in the final to New Zealand, and the woman had put the pictures on her Facebook page, he said. (Reuters)
And what, you ask, is the penalty for acting ‘unIslamic’? For Rehan Butt the fine is 100,000 rupees ($1,175). For the other two men, the fine is 50,000 each ($600).
Parting shot: Since field hockey is, inexplicably, Pakistan’s national sport, I’m compelled to ask if these dudes would still be nailed for unIslamic behavior if the team had defeated, instead of lost to, the Kiwi team in the finals.
What The Hell Were You Thinking, Dude
For reasons I won’t try to understand, a German dude decided that an airport security checkpoint was the perfect place to road test a snarky witticism about wearing exploding underwear. It was not an idea whose time had come.
A 42-year-old man from Stuttgart ruined his family’s holiday to Egypt on Tuesday after he was overheard telling an acquaintance he had explosives his underwear while going through airport security.
When asked if he had made such a claim by security officials he admitted that he had made a bad joke. He was then promptly arrested and thoroughly searched for explosive materials.
Though nothing suspicious was found, he and his entire family were barred from going on their flight by the airline. Besides not having their trip refunded, the joker now stands to be fined up to €1,000 for being a public nuisance. (The Local)
Smooth move, Einstein.
Not Now, I’m Busy
Source: Fox [12/31/09]
Our heroine, 29 year old Paula Thomas, was busy fixing a lavish Christmas feast, when her unexpected guest changed the holiday meal timetable for this denizen of St Austell, Cornwall (J.O.E.). Admittedly, ‘unexpected’ isn’t quite accurate, but it’s suitable for our purposes.
Paula didn’t miss a beat, when she felt the first pre-birth contraction. Instead of abandoning the meal to attend to other, pressing, issues, she kept on basting the turkey, until the contractions were 3 minutes apart. By then, she had tweaked her timetable to allow for childbirth, and what a timetable it was:
Item 1: Hubby Damian drives her to the hospital.
Item 2: An hour after Paula arrives at the hospital, her daughter, Lexi, is born.
Item 3: A little over an hour after giving birth to daughter, Lexi, Paula was back home, enjoying her Christmas feast with her family.
Hubby Damian said a mouthful when he proclaimed that his lovely bride is "one in a million".
Parting shot: I’m compelled to share this PIG-worthy Paula Thomas quote with you: "No one could believe I'd come out so quickly. I really wanted my Christmas dinner — I was starving. I had prepared most of the dinner before I went into labor so everything was in the oven."
Begging For Sanctuary in Bella Italia
Source: PIG News Wire [12/31/09]
If you think your family festivities are hellish, get over it. A Sicilian man, with what has to be the family from hell, went to great lengths to avoid spending another New Year’s Eve with his wife and relatives. What lengths? You’ll be impressed, why didn’t I think of that, Sparky.
The 35-year old Sicilian first showed up at a police station on Thursday asking to be arrested because he preferred spending the night in prison rather than with his family, but was rebuffed because he had not committed a crime, the Agi news agency said.
The man immediately went to a tobacco shop next door, where he threatened the owner with a box cutter as he grabbed a few sweets and a packet of gum. He then waited until police arrived to arrest him for robbery, the news agency said. (Reuters)
The good news is that this stunt worked, in the short run. The bad news is that, sooner or later, he will be forced to go back home where there will be a hellish reception awaiting him.
Giving Her Space In China
Source: AFP [12/28/09]
The suits running a shopping center in China have boldly gone where not even the executives at Wal-Mart would dare to go. In fact, if someone suggested this idea to an American outpost of capitalism, they’d be an unemployment statistic in a heartbeat. What is this ‘don’t even think about it’ idea? You’re going to be thrilled:
A shopping centre in China has opened a car park that offers women drivers bigger-than-normal parking spaces to accommodate what it sees as their special needs.
Wang Zheng, an official at the Wanxiang Tiancheng shopping centre in Hebei province's Shijiazhuang city, told AFP Monday the women-only parking lot aimed to address women's "strong sense of colour and different sense of distance."
The spaces are "one metre wider than normal parking spaces," Wang said, adding that the mall had "installed signs and security monitoring equipment that corresponded more to women's needs." (AFP)
Is this sexism on steroids? Or, is this a shrewd marketing move? I’ll let you make that call, ‘she’s unsafe at any speed’ Sparky.
Santa Saves The Day
Source: PIG News Wire [12/25/09]
The bad news for a pair of Aussie boogie boarders is that their timing sucked, because they perpetrated their life endangering antics during nasty rip tide, when all the normal lifeguard patrols were done for the day. The good news for our pair of Aussie boogie boarders is that their life endangering antics just happened to coincide with Santa’s seashore landing with a bagful of goodies for a surf club’s annual Christmas party. Timing, as the saying goes, is everything.
More than 100 surf club members watched as Santa and two patrol members hauled two boogie boarders to safety after were swept out to sea in a strong rip about 6.30pm. Santa and a sack-full of lollies had just been loaded onto an inflatable rescue boat for his grand beachfront entrance at the surf club's Christmas Party when an urgent rescue call came through.
In front of eager kids on the sand and parents overlooking from the balcony, Santa emerged from behind Cosy Corner and tore across the sea to the drama unfolding at Point Danger.
A young boy in his mid-teens was struggling in the water after losing his boogie board and had been swept 30 metres away from his older male companion. The male companion, believed to be in his late 20s, had become exhausted and was struggling to stay above water despite the rescue attempts of two surfers who had swum across and offered a board as leverage.
Rob McAlister, a club patrol captain who drove the rescue and co-ordinated the rescue, said Santa remained in character the whole time as he helped pull the stricken boarders into the boat. ''They were in huge trouble, the two board-riders were really struggling with the whole situation,'' McAlister said. (Geelong Advertiser)
As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because Santa wasn’t your requisite grizzled senior. In this case, Santa was 15-year-old Iggy Rudd, a teenager who proved that he’s got the right stuff, when it’s needed. The surf club membership agrees with that contention, because they honored his life-saving heroics, by making him an honorary member of the club.
PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [12/25/09]
Dressed For Success
Our eager volunteer, Christos Constantinou, filed his human gene pool improvement volunteer application, while on a hunting trip near the northern Greek town of Nemea, Chalkidiki. Eager to bag a wild boar for a traditional, seasonal, feast, Christos did his best to deceive the wily beast. How? You’re going to be thrilled.
Disguised in dark goat skins, Christos hoped to elude detection long enough to bag his boar. Did he succeed? That depends on how you quantify success. We can’t be certain if he fooled any wild boar. We can state with certitude that our volunteer’s disguise did succeed in fooling some fellow hunters who gave him the thrilling ‘application approved’ news, with a perfectly aimed fusillade.
DOA? You better believe it, congratulations you’ve just been deselected, Sparky.
Strange Crime Hotline Calls
In theory, the Brit charity group's hotline, Crimestoppers, should be no harm, no foul, since it allows citizens to report crimes anonymously. In practice, the infamous Brit busybody is tying up this potentially valuable, crime-fighting, resource with dumb stuff like this:
A Mall Santa who reeks of cheap booze.
A snowman who has been ‘wanged’ thanks to an extra, strategically located, carrot.
Showball fights, sledding tykes, poorly gritted roads.
Topping it off, so far, is this gem: ‘Another homeowner called to complain that his flashing, outdoor Father Christmas display had gone missing. The man claimed he was the victim of jealous neighbours trying to sabotage a Christmas lights competition in his street.’ (24 Dash).
As fun as that sounds, 2009 also included some memorable Crimestoppers gems: A prisoner called to report that his toilet roll had been stolen. A shopper spotted Osama bin Laden in a Brit department store. Someone reported a man with two broken arms and an injured leg motoring down the road. A woman found her bald neighbor’s use of a hairdryer suspicious. A stoner complained that his dealer cheated him by selling him tree bark instead of weed.
Finally, we have troubling news about a beloved cartoon character: one informant described a drug dealer as "looking like Popeye". Say it isn’t so, spinach man. Say it isn’t so!
Positively PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [12/18/09]
Panty-Wadding Advertising Prose
Labatt’s Blue is, technically, a brewskie, but it’s not the kind of brewskie we want, or need, at a PIG staff meeting/melee. Why? Labatt’s Blue is a "de-alcoholized". De-alcoholized? UGH! Feel free to quote me on that one.
Eager to boast about this brewskie’s safe at any speed status, Labatt decided to put a suitably seasonal spin in their advertising, with an utterly PIGish tag line: "Leave one out for Santa. He’s driving." Clever? Hell yes. A nifty way to promote a don’t drink and drive message? You bet. No harm no foul? Nope. The usual suspects have ‘issues’ with the tag line.
[S]ome consumers say it sends the wrong message. "I don't think that's quite appropriate," said Kathleen Clifford, 65, who saw the ad at a Mac's at Gerrard and Mutual Sts. yesterday.
"Children see that and they think we'd better leave beer for Santa instead of cookies and milk." she said. "I have grandchildren and great-granchildren and I don't approve of it. "Maybe I'm an old fuddy-duddy."
Another woman said she wasn't offended, but could see how it might offend. "I also don't have children, so I'm fairly indifferent to it," said Maryann Green, 22, a Ryerson University student. (Toronto Sun)
Labatt insists that its beverage is being sold as a safe alternative for those who plan to hit the road during the Christmas season, and they’re backing up that contention, nicely.
"It's reminding people, especially during this holiday season, when people are going out to celebrate, not to drink and drive," said Catherine Pringle, corporate affairs manager of Labatt Breweries of Canada. "Some of the posters direct people to makingaplan.ca, which is a website to plan ahead and reinforcing people not to drink and drive," she said. (Sun)
The FSOP salutes Labatt Breweries for doing their part to make the highways and byways a bit safer around Christmas.
An Italian Christmas Furor
A courthouse in Verona (Italy) is ground zero for a panty-wadding melee which rivals the fictional furor in Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo And Juliet’. The key elements are Verona’s chief Public Prosecutor, Mario Giulio Schinaia, and a nativity scene that he deployed in the courthouse. I know what you’re thinking and it’s not THAT.
Given its status as Rosary True Believer world headquarters, the Italians are okey dokey with a nativity scene in the public square. On the other hand, they’re having unresolved ‘issues’ with the fact that, bowing to historical accuracy, the chief Public Prosecutor deployed a - TA DA - black-skinned Jesus in his manager.
"History teaches us that baby Jesus and his parents were very probably dark-skinned," Mr Schinaia said. "This nativity belongs to a universal Christmas tradition that brings together the whole of Christianity in celebration." (Daily Mail)
I’m guessing that Public Prosecutor Schinaia did this to spit in the eye of a right-wing political cabal, the Northern League, which just mounted a headline grabbing campaign against some embedded colonistas:
The nativity's appearance coincides with the right-wing Northern League's controversial operation 'White Christmas', a two-month sweep ending on Christmas Day to ferret out foreigners without proper permits in Coccaglio, a small League-led town east of Milan.
The Northern League, an ally of conservative Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi with key cabinet posts including the interior ministry, has used its growing political clout to secure tough new laws including making illegal immigration a crime.
League proposals have ranged from separate buses and trains for immigrants to banning new mosques and forbidding the serving of Chinese food and kebabs in towns under its control. (Daily Mail)
Did a melanin-enriched Cross Dude have the desired impact? Apparently:
The nativity has caused heated reactions in the rich northern town, where resentment towards foreigners has spread as the number of immigrants, particularly from north Africa and eastern Europe, continues to rise.
"It is a useless act of provocation, just like the suggestion not to have a nativity scene at all, in order not to offend Muslims," Northern League farm minister Luca Zaia told one newspaper, referring to proposals in recent years that town halls and stores should no longer sponsor Christmas scenes. (Daily Mail)
A black Jesus in the manger begs the obvious question: If some American official deployed one in an U.S. courthouse, would the egregiously politically correct ACLU still get stupid and snarky about it? It’s Enquiring Minds time again in the PIGdom.
Health & Safety Grinches
The denizens of Dobwalls in Cornwall (J.O.E.) took a long hard look at the roundabout (traffic circle) outside their small village and decided to give it a badly needed upgrade for Christmas. How? They deployed, and decorated, an 8 foot Christmas tree in the center of the roundabout’s drab lawn. Taking no chances, they pulled out all the stops while erecting it.
A local who runs Head or Tales newsagents, explains:
"We thought we'd try to brighten up the roundabout for Christmas and put up the tree, complete with baubles and tinsel. We tried to make an effort to brighten things up. It is just unbelievable it has happened - the tree was doing no harm to anyone and certainly wasn't any sort of risk."
He added that the 8ft Norwegian Spruce, which was donated by a farmer, was wedged securely two feet into the ground and that all the decorations were tied on with cable ties. "We were very careful not to put anything in there that wasn't securely attached and we didn't want anything that was a hazard in any way. The tree itself was two feet in the ground and was wedged into the ground. The wedges were driven in with a sledgehammer." (Daily Mail)
Within hours of its deployment, the town’s colorful upgrade to the local roundabout was gone, but it wasn’t the work of local hooligans. It was someone much more dangerous than rampaging YOBs. This outburst of Grinchiness was perpetrated, in the name of - TA DA - Health & Safety, by road wrangling retards:
A Highways Agency spokesman said the tree could be a danger to road users. He said: "Our policy is to ensure the safety of road users by removing any unauthorised items placed on our roundabouts or roads. Anything that causes a distraction or impairs visibility presents a real danger to motorists on high speed roads. The tree has been taken to a nearby depot, where it can be collected by the owner. Alternatively, if the owner wishes, we can arrange to have the tree taken to a suitable site, where it can be enjoyed safely by the local community."
The FSOP suggests that the best place to deploy this tree is up the ass of the road wrangling retard who declared it a threat to Health & Safety.
PIGish World News
Source: PIG News Wire [12/11/09]
Look Out Below!
Eager to go ‘green’ on their utilities, a hotel in Stockholm (Sweden, DUH) decided to install geothermal heating. No harm, no foul? Yes, and no. There’s nothing wrong with installing a geothermal heating system. There is, however, a "holy crap" moment in the offing, when the crew doing the drilling, doesn’t know that there’s a subway line down below. D’oh? You better believe it, Sparky.
‘...[A work crew’s] drilling punctured the subway line and crushed the side panel of the driver’s carriage of a train that was waiting on the tracks. “They drilled right down onto a subway train,” Lars-Erik Baarsen, station officer at Södermalms Police, told news agency TT.
After the workers had drilled to a depth of 20 to 25 metres, the team noticed that the resistance to the drill disappeared. “They then withdrew the drill and discovered that two-and-a-half metres of the drill was missing,” Baarsen said.
Meanwhile, down in the tunnel, the driver of the subway train was shocked when the side panel of his carriage was suddenly crushed by something from above...’ (The Local)
While ‘experts’ try to determine if the drill itself, or something that it knocked loose, hit the subway train, local justice system officials are cutting to the chase. They are trying to determine if they have grounds for a charge of ‘gross negligence causing a public danger’. Gross negligence? Endangering the public? You better believe it ‘look out below’ Sparky.
When Gum Bites Back
I’m smelling another Ruskie media hoax, here, but, the yarn is such a hoot, I’ll share it with you anyway. This explosive whooper features chewing gun, citric acid, and "some kind of explosive material" which our hero, a 25 year old chemistry student whom I’ll call Einsteinovich, had on a table.
This jaw-dropping tale centers on the fun fact that Einsteinovich likes to dip his chewing gum in citric acid. The fun went from yawn, to WOW, when Einsteinovich dipped his gum in the wrong substance. Mistaking the explosive substance for the citric acid, Einsteinovich, dipped his gum in the ka-boom powder, chomped down on the gum and, faster than you can say TA DA, he blew his jaw off.
Normally, I’d give this one my coveted human gene pool improvement volunteer of the week award, but not this time. The Ruskies are notorious hoaxsters, and this sounds like one of their more imaginative ones. Nice try, Ruskie dudes, but I’m not THAT gullible.
Globe-Spanning PIGish Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [12/03/09]
A LOCO Motive
With way too much time on their hands, some German train buffs decided to build their own railway conveyance, out of the materials they had on hand. When they finished cobbling together their salvaged train parts and garden furniture, they fitted it with an electric motor, then improvised a ‘refreshments car’ from a beer crate.
Pleased with their handiwork, they studied the train tables, picked a time when no train traffic was scheduled, then took their homemade locomotive on the road.
Police in Erfut, Germany, were alerted after residents of properties adjoining the railway spotted the unorthodox vehicle - and were aware that there should have been no traffic running. Police however had to call in a helicopter to find and follow the makeshift train as the police cars could not follow it along the tracks. The helicopter pilot was able to radio ahead to other officers who set up a makeshift barrier at a station to stop it. (Ananova)
I’m sorry to report that the killjoys in positions of justice system authority black flagged our six railway buffs, then piled on, by charging them with endangering public safety. Life is so sucky, that way.
Who Invited You?
A Peruvian groom, Edwin Ortiz, was locked and loaded with the right ‘I do’ answer, when the nuptials hit an unexpected speed bump. What speed bump? The mother of Edwin’s two children showed up, accompanied by her mother, sisters and aunts, all of who were determined to make THEIR feelings about Edwin known.
One moment, the 27-year-old Peruvian was sitting happily in a large wedding hall with 17 other couples, declaring his love for his wife-to-be to TV cameramen in the southern town of Miraflores. The next, two women relatives of his ex-partner burst into the room, rushed up to Ortiz and began pounding on his head and back while screaming at him. The burly women eventually shoved him and his mother outside into a parking lot, where the ex-partner joined in, Miraflores spokesman Julio Hincho said Wednesday. (Stuff.co.nz)
Eventually, the cops arrived to rescue Edwin from the outraged women, who were promptly bagged, tagged, and dragged to the wedding crashers wing of the local graybar hotel.
When last seen, Edwin was attempting to defuse an explosive situation, by assuring his bride-to-be that he’s not, as the mother of his children claims, still married to his former ‘girlfriend’. Good luck with THAT, dude.
For now, Edwin’s nuptials are on hold, while he sorts out his marital status.
Curses
A Kiwi thief got a lot more than he, she, heshe or it wanted, or needed, after stealing a terra cotta flower pot from a Gulf Harbour home, in Auckland. The item in question is more then just another butt-ugly flower pot. It’s infused with a gender bending curse.
The owner says it contains his African witchdoctor grandma's ashes and is now cursed. In a letter to the Rodney Times, At du Plooy says his grandmother was a sangoma or witchdoctor who died in Africa aged 93.
A medium, he keeps in contact with her spirit and thought they could trace the pot, but grandma is unfamiliar with the area concerned. Instead, she has cursed a one kilometre area around the pot with sex-change ions – meaning men may gradually change to women and vice versa. Dumping the contents won’t break the spell, he says, only its return.
If you live in New Zealand and your friend, neighbor, relative, starts sprouting non-standard ‘gear’, get the hell out of Dodge, Sparky. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
