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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| INTELLECTUAL FLATLINERS | CRIMINAL STUPIDITY
| DARWINIAN JUSTICE
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NOVEMBER 2008
Stupid Human Tricks Questions & Answers Needing the opinion of a trained professional, he decided to ask the cops. Unhappily, the nearest station was too far to walk there, so, needing to find out if he’s, legally, too drunk to drive, he drove to the police station and asked them! The trained professionals introduced him to the drunk-o-meter which rated him ‘drunk as a skunk’. After answering our hero’s question, the cops busted him for DUI, lifted his license, then bagged, tagged and dragged him to the local drunk tank. Mistaken Identity His trip home was interrupted, when the local cops stopped him to exchange pleasantries, but not for the obvious reason. The cops stopped him for driving a stolen car. Puzzled, our hero insisted that the Chevy Cavalier was his. The cops met him halfway, agreeing that he was the owner of record of a Chevy Cavalier. However, he was not the registered owner of the FORD ESCORT which he happened to be driving. The requisite drunk-o-meter festivities served up "VERY" when asked ‘How drunk is he?’. When last seen, our hero was languishing in a local graybar hotel on charges of auto theft, DUI, and a low grade drug related charge. Nice move, genius. Breadcrumbs This true crime adventure started, when the trio broke into the local stop and rob - G’s Mini Mart in Omaha (Neb.). After prying open a back door, they helped themselves to the essentials - some smokes, 2 cases of Busch Light, a case of Bud Light and a case of Keystone beer. Loaded down with their haul, the trio made their escape, on foot. When the cops arrived to investigate the robbery, they quickly found out how helpful the robbers were, when it came to their own capture. Omaha police found the first clue - a full can of Bud Light - on the ground outside the rear door of the stop and rob. Expanding the search area, police found a trail of beer cans leading to a nearby house where the perps - two 18 year olds and a 16 year old - were waiting for their close encounter with the justice system. In addition to the three dumbest lumps of alleged humanity in Nebraska, the police found the crowbar and the stolen beer that wasn’t dropped during the walk home. No need for CSI-Omaha on this one, Dan-o. Tell Horatio to put the sunglasses away and stand down. Parting shot: The only way this ‘caper’ gets any easier for the cops would entail the perps handcuffing themselves and reading each other their Miranda rights. Begging For It Did the establishment employees call the cops, when they found this 16-year-old intruder in the front foyer? Nope, there was no need. Why? Because the establishment this nitwit invaded is the Parks Police Station and the establishment employees are police officers. This drunk hormone gorilla will have ample time to explain his antics in a Port Adelaide Youth Court, where he will face charges of breaking into the building and inflicting property damage. OCTOBER 2008
Stupid Human Tricks Moons Over Bellingham Once outside, they dropped their drawers and mooned the store owner by pressing their bare butts against the store's front window. Apparently, the pressure of all that butt lard was more than the front window could handle, because it broke. That’s the point when this adventure stopped being funny and became potentially fatal:
Based on their antics, the trio of drunks and their two assailants, are all prime examples of Great Northwest Nitwitdom. There isn’t a single, functioning, synapse in the bunch. Parting shot: The PIG News staff has one question about this epic. Why was this outpost of comic wrangling capitalism open at 2am? It’s Enquiring minds time in the PIG Bunker. Urban Camper In Moonbat Country This self-induced aversion to objective reality explains, to our satisfaction, why a raving lunatic named Marshall Cartwright decided to perpetrate his urban camper antics in Santa Cruz. As well suited for Santa Cruz this ‘transient’ is, eventually, even the Moon-howlers got tired of his antics and summoned what passes for the proper authorities to come and make him clean up his act:
When the cops arrived to exchange pleasantries with our urban camper, Marshall got snarky with them, insisting that he was a covert military operative from Down Under. Suitably impressed, the Santa Cruz cops inspected the belongs of this James Bombed and found 20 grams of mind bending mushrooms, a Camelbak bladder filled with beer, a harmonica and a wetsuit. Eventually, the cops bagged, tagged and dragged James Bombed to the local graybar on charges of being blitzed in public and possession a controlled substance. I’m still not certain how either charge deviates from the Moonbat Central norm. Aussie Recidivism Step One: Get stopped for DUI. Step Two: The cops take your car keys and driver’s license. Step Three: Our DUI hero goes home, and gets his spare set of car keys. Step Four: He returns to his car and gets back on the road. Step Five: He drives to the nearest police station to tell them why he was pissed about their Step Two antics. Step Six: He gets reacquainted with the drunk-o-meter. Step Seven: He flunks, AGAIN. Step Eight: He gets nailed with a second DUI charge. Step Nine: His recidivism lands him the top slot on PIG’s Tasty Tidbits, plus a coveted slot in the PIG News Digest. Stupidity Is Its Own Reward Lighting It Up Our adventure begins with three teenage wenches, who parked their ride at McIntosh Lake (near Longmont, Colorado), then proceeded to huff themselves into a higher state of reality, with some aerosol air freshener. After at least an hour of huffing to high volume music, the girls took their fun to the next level. How? Suitably detached from objective reality, one of the girls decided that it was time to go for the gold by lighting up a cancer stick, inside a closed car that was full of combustible fumes.
The girls in the front seat - an 18 year old and a 16 year old - got off, relatively lightly, with first degree burns, while the 16 year old in the back seat got nailed with second-degree burns. Dumb is huffing inside a closed car for an hour our more. Stupidity on steroids is exposing those combustible fumes trapped inside a car to an ignition source. Do we really need us to tell you not to try this at home? The Amazing Captain Calamity Saga When the proper authorities inspected the vessel, they found it devoid of such essentials as ‘lifejackets, flares, charts, or a radio’. Furthermore, they quickly discovered what an unseaworthy dolt Captain Calamity is. Did these harsh words get through to Captain Clamity? You know better. Less than 48 hours after his first sea going mishap, Captain Calamity was up to his old tricks again. He had headed out to sea, still lacking all that essential equipment, and managed to get his ship stuck on some mudflats. Once again, the rescue crews went searching for this fool. Once again, they pulled his ship back into port. As fun as this sounds, things got much better during the second inspection of Captain Calamity’s craft. For this part of the Captain Calamity saga, I’ll let the Independent do the heavy lifting:
In the bad old days, Captain Calamity would be allowed to meet his richly deserved Darwinian reward, because that’s the way Mother Nature culls the clueless cretins from the herd. Unfortunately, the killjoys in J.O.E. thwarted that eagerly anticipated human gene pool improvement episode, by beaching Captain Calamity, permanently. Parting shot: On Saturday, Captain Calamity’s humiliation was complete, when he was forced to take his beloved boat home, on the back of a large, flatbed, truck. Gibberish How much must life suck when you steal $10,000 worth of computer gear and none of it works in English? Off the charts, PIGsters. Off the charts. Tattletale Technology It was during a planning session when some wonky technology ratted them out:
Busted? You better believe it, Sparky. Now, our two desperados, plus a security guard they paid to look the other way, are looking at some bull crap charges: misuse of public funds. Amazing Adventures In Stupidity Phone Fathead The hilarity hit its stride, after the thief used the stolen phone to call a relative. Between that phone call and the return call from the relative, the cell phone’s rightful owner reactivated his number on a new phone. That’s why he got the call, when the cell phone thief’s relative called. Nobody’s fool our 68-years-young ‘victim’ elicited the cell phone thief’s name from the desperado’s relative. In due course, jailarity ensued for robber, with a special enhancement for crimes against the elderly. Book ‘em, Dan-o. Elevator, Elevator, I got the shaft Break into a central Berlin (Germany, DUH) office building early on a Saturday morning? Check. Help yourself to four laptop computers? Check. Get into the elevator as the first stage of your getaway? Check. Get trapped when the elevator gets stuck between floors? Check. Call the elevator company for help? Check. Get rescued by the Berlin fire department? Check. Have them call the cops on you, when they spot the stolen laptops? Check. Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass ‘GO’. Do not collect $200? You better believe it, next time I’ll use the stairs, Sparky. I’m Blind, I’m Blind! Eventually, he made his move and bagged $200 in Kiwi funny money. A perfect crime? Hardly. He left his fingerprints behind, on the magazine, which he’d been reading, making identification much simpler. Better still, his blatant ‘I’m a moron’ antics attracted the wrong kind of attention from bystanders, who jotted down the make, model, and tag number of his getaway ride. The Kiwi cops are hot on this fool’s trail and expect to bag, tag, and drag him, any minute now. Rustic Rampage During his farm equipment rampage, Dominic left a lasting impression on: at least 3 houses, a garage, numerous front yards, too many vehicles to count, an impressive collection of road signs, plus - TA DA - a bridge. Determined to make an equally lasting impression on Dominic, the relevant Iowa justice system officials hit him with a laundry list of charges: first offense operating while intoxicated, third-degree burglary, third-degree theft and criminal mischief as a Class C felony. That’s it? Just a few chump charges? In the good old days they’d shoot fools like Dominic on sight. Gravity Bags a Perp Eager to exchange pleasantries with Chris, the San Bernardino County authorities tracked this punk to a home in Victorville. Unwilling to chat with the cops, Chris tried to hide in the attic above the master bedroom. He was doing just fine, until those pesky natural laws - gravity is the prime offender - tripped him up. The ceiling couldn’t support Chris’ weight, making him come crashing down at the feet of a startled sheriff’s deputy. Game, set, match? No quite yet. Determined to make a losing situation much worse, Chris pulled a knife on the deputy. Now, in addition to that domestic violence beef, Chris has been bagged, tagged and dragged to the San Bernardino graybar for assaulting a police officer with a deadly weapon. Nice move, scumbag. Strange, But True Parking Nazi Insanity
The Parking Nazi cabal, which hired this intellectual flat-liner, is doing its best to ward off blowback with some self serving ‘nothing to see here’ prose. Their claim that, after encountering the photographer, the Parking Nazi saw the error of its ways, returned to the police car, and retracted the fine, doesn’t pass the smell test. What is HE doing here?
Luckily, this unannounced visit from ‘Jehovah’ didn’t do any lasting harm to the school, or the students. There are, however, a few unanswered questions about this incident. Uppermost on a school administrator’s mind is ‘with all doors locked during school hours, how did this nutjob get in here’. Here in the Free State of PIG, we have a likely answer: What’s one more miracle for Jehovah? Severely Lost In the Big Apple Needing to do something, Rodney made a hard right turn coming out of the parking garage. In fact, he kept on heading right, and plowed his Behemoth right through the front window of - irony alert - a Hagerstrom Map shop. Despite the fact that he clipped two bystanders, and smashed through a store window, Rodney is, as far as the NYPD is concerned, good to go. We suspect that Rodney’s insurance carrier will take a dim view - Ka-Ching - of Rodney’s antics. Spreading the Joy Luckily, he found the ideal spot, a conveniently located TGI Friday’s. Once inside, Crasher lived up to his name by inviting himself to sit at a table filled with strangers. Eager to make himself memorable, Crasher ordered a round, or two, of drinks for his new chums. When the time came to pay the piper, a well ‘lit’ Crasher refused to pony up the cash, and got into a heated dispute with the bar staff. Responding to a call from TGI Friday's staff, Troy cops quickly deduced that Crasher was the road warrior who belonged to the thrashed Olds on I-75. They knew it, but Crasher was not in a cooperative mood:
After all that fun, Crasher should have welcomed that invite to unwind in the local graybar. I guess there’s just no pleasing some people. PIGish Crime Blotter Zapped Out of Our Misery I In record time, the RCMP officers were on the scene and ready to bag, tag, and drag their quarry to a local graybar. While the RCMP prepared for action, this adventure was catapulted into the PIG-worthy bull’s-eye:
There might be weeping and gnashing of teeth in Canadian justice system circles, but here in the PIG News Room, we are breaking out the bubbly, when we share the joyous news. What joyous news? This high diving desperado was dispatched to his own circle of hell by that taser blast. That’s gotta earn a rousing ‘amen’ from the congregation. Zapped Out of Our Misery II He charged at the officers, more than once, then ran away, to race in and out of the traffic, again. Eventually, tired of a coked to the gills Jose and his antics, Deputy Sheriff Andrew Reynolds zapped this clown, not once, not twice, but three times before Jose was subdued. We’re pleased to report that, 12 hours after Jose got his triple, high voltage, reality check, fate evicted Jose from the human gene pool, permanently. Adios, scumbag. A Joint Venture The chiropractor, John Sutherland, raced into a back room and told another patient, Dan Wagner, that his office had just been robbed. Why tell Dan Wagner? Because Dan is a member of the Toledo police department. It took a moment for Dan to get rolling - he thought John was joking - but once he got started, he got the job done in record time.
Nice takedown, Officer Wagner. Damn nice takedown. Another Kind of Joint Venture Switching on his lights, Patrolman Miller got the mini-van’s occupants’ undivided attention with a blast from his siren. Had he just bagged a pair of lowlife pot-addled miscreants? Yes, and no. Pot-addled? You bet. Lowlifes and/or miscreants? Hardly.
The Tome thumper, Reverend O’Connor, was arrested and his ride towed to the impound yard. His substance abuse counselor pal - a man who got much too close to his work - was cited for possession and kicked loose. Game, set, match? Not yet. We haven’t heard the last of Mikey Deegan:
Both men are what passes for pillars of the community, especially Mikey Deegan. who ‘once served as president of the West Virginia Association of Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Counselors’. Mikey, dude, we’re shocked, shocked, I tell you. Parting shot: Am I shocked that a member of the clergy decided to unwind with a toke of weed? Hardly, because sins, sinners and forgiveness are the core of his profession. Of the two, it’s Mikey Deegan who is the bigger hypocrite. He’s the liar, liar pants on fire fool, who is living a lie: do as I say, not as I do. ‘Joint’ Trifecta Accomplished He strayed into the justice system bull’s-eye, after Officer Michael Bingnear spotted Shawn’s Chevy Colorado swerve across a two lane road. Officer Mike tried to get Shawn’s attention, but our road warrior wasn’t in the mood to exchange pleasantries. Instead, he kept on trucking, mowed down several stop signs, then ran off the road, where he did a chase ending header into a utility pole. When Officer Mike chatted with Shawn, our hero explained his antics in compelling style: I was trying to roll a joint and got distracted. Did that seal the deal? You bet. Why? Aside from the obvious, not to mention that reefer, Shawn was transporting drugs (43 oxycodone pills). Shawn won’t be going anywhere for a while, not until he can pony up $13,500 in bail for: ‘drunken driving, possession with intent to deliver narcotics, disregarding an officer’s signal, maintaining a vehicle for keeping a controlled substance, possession of marijuana, malicious mischief by a motor vehicle, reckless driving and no proof of insurance.’ (The News Journal). SEPTEMBER 2008
Crime and Punishment Sometimes it better to be lucky than good We’re not told what the state troopers said, when they spotted the third car in the parking lot of the Mount Ivy Diner, and that’s too bad. Why? This eatery just happens to be located across the street from the Haverstraw (New York, DUH) state police barracks. Two passengers bailed out and got away, but the driver, Calvin Aracena, wasn’t as lucky. He’s now an honored guest in a graybar suite. Nice move, genius. Priest refuses to turn the other cheek Keeping his cool, Father John asked the relevant question, "What are you doing here?" From there, things got thrilling, as reported by the Sydney Morning Herald:
There’s one thing more you need to know about Father John, who is our kind of guy. He’s a sprightly lad of 72, who went toe to toe with a desperado a third his age and prevailed. Father John, you are the man! Wrong Place, Wrong Victim The intended victim, an off duty U.S. Customs and Border Protection agent, pulled out her own, street legal, hand gun and opened fire. She keep shooting - hopefully hitting the bastard - while he ran off with her purse. Thanks for Dropping In This week, armed with the requisite paperwork, the U.S. Marshals were seeking Jared high an low, inside a North Vancouver domicile. We’re not sure if someone yelled ‘come out, come out, wherever you are’, but it would have been more appropriate to invoke Bob Barker’s ‘come on down’. Why? Because, Jared ended the search, when he came crashing through the ceiling and landed at their feet. Unwilling to take it like a man, Jared screamed, kicked, and even stomped out the windows of a Clark County sheriff’s car. Despite his histrionics, the U.S. Marshals bagged, tagged and dragged this screaming and kicking cretin to the local graybar. Book this fool, Dan-o. Stopwatch Justice Undaunted by this setback, Gordon tried his luck with a second teller. She, too, was thrilled with his note, but, alas, couldn’t help him, because her window was closed. By this time, even a blind desperado could see the frown on Lady Luck’s face, but Gordon was determined. He tried a third teller and struck gold, sort of. By the time Gordon left the bank with some loot, the countdown to his arrest had already started. Did he really think that tellers one and two would give him a pass and refrain from dailing 911? Apparently. Gordon managed to get into his getaway ride, a taxi, but his luck ran out ten minutes later, when the cops spotted the cab, stopped it, and made Gordon an offer he couldn’t refuse. Determined to make himself memorable, Gordon tried to delay his seventh trip, since 2005, to the Pinellas County graybar hotel, by complaining of chest pains. If Lady Luck is really down on Gordon, she’ll let this loser croak in the hospital’s jail ward, and save Flori-DUH taxpayers an unrelenting headache. For What It’s Worth [The only source, a link our PIGster sent us, is dubious. The other end of that daring cyberspace leap of faith is an Internet speed bump named "Pink Tentacle".] The following is presented as a ‘take it or leave it’ item which we present to you in its entirety: « Hei Helsinki Breaking up is hard to do, and few know this better than a lifelike sex doll owner who Shizuoka police have charged with illegal dumping. On August 21, the 60-year-old unemployed resident of Izu (Shizuoka prefecture) wrapped his 1.7-meter tall, 50-kilogram silicone girlfriend in a sleeping bag, drove to a remote wooded area, and dumped her. A nice, clean break, he thought. But nearly two weeks later, on September 1, a couple alerted police after discovering what appeared to be a corpse while walking their dog. The body had been wrapped in a bag and bound around the neck, waist and ankles. A head of black hair protruded from one end of the bag. Police retrieved the body and immediately launched a criminal investigation. But several hours later, when forensic pathologists began to unwrap the “corpse” to perform the post-mortem, they realized it was actually a state-of-the-art sex doll. Seeing themselves as victims of a malicious prank, the authorities vowed to track down the perpetrator and charge him with interfering with police business. The incident quickly captured the attention of the national (and international) press. After seeing the news reports, the culprit realized the trouble he had caused and contacted police on September 6. According to investigators, the man had lived with the sophisticated doll for several years after his wife passed away, but decided to part with her after making plans to move in with one of his children. “It seems he grew attached to the doll over the years,” said the chief investigator. “He was confused about how to get rid of her. He thought it would be cruel to cut her up into pieces and throw her out with the trash, so he proceeded to dump her illegally.” The man, who regrets his lifelike doll was mistaken for a corpse, now faces fines for violating Japan’s Waste Management Law. [File this one under ‘we report, you decide’ in your PIG News Digest archive.] Stupid Human Tricks BZZZZZZZT! Undeterred by the barbed wire barriers, intended to thwart human gene pool volunteer daredevils, our young adventure seeker began his fateful climb. Before he made it to the top, the lad got a 66,000 volt "Accepted" response to his application, when the power found him a spiffy conductor to ground. Daredevils, like adventurers, are destined for a headline that includes words like "dies" or "killed". Regrettably, none of these headline writers gets it right. The real headline should read "Teenage Daredevil Dies STUPIDLY". High Finance Dumb: You transfer more than 500 million euros ($710 in dead presidents) to an American financial institution. Dumber: It’s Lehman Brothers. Holy crap: You make the transfer on the Monday AFTER Lehman Brothers announced that it filed for bankruptcy protection. Outcome: Dubbed - and it’s an understatement - "Germany’s stupidest bankers", the trio was suspended while the suits at KfW devise some way to make these morons PAY DEARLY for their stupidity. De Train, De Train I The fun was locked and loaded when a trio of dudes, who were in Fargo (North Dakota) for a conference, ventured forth in search of adventure. Ignoring the lowered railway gates, they bypassed them so they could get closer for the picture. What picture? The one of some fool standing next to the train tracks while a train flashed by behind him. It was all going swimmingly, until our hero got a tad too close to the train, which "caught his back, ripping his shirt and pants". A Fargo cop, Sgt. Jeff Skuza, coined a spiffy phrase when he called the resulting injuries "a bad case of train rash". We’re obligated to warn you not to try this at home, even if you’re as gassed on adult beverages as these nitwits. De Train, De Train II For reasons that seemed spiffy, at the time, Brandon stopped by the train tracks to light up, willfully ignoring the train bearing down on him. Although the workers on the train were convinced that Brandon was railroad kill, the ensuing search didn’t turn up a body. The mystery resolved itself, when Brandon, who had managed to get home, called for help, explaining that he was hurt and couldn’t get out of bed. He’s in the hospital, with undisclosed injuries. How did he manage to survive? He seems to have caught a break - he’s doubly qualified - under Old Ka-Boom’s infuriating "fools and drunks" exemption. Adventures in Stupidity When ‘Oops’ Won’t Cut It
If you’re a recycling Aussie capitalist, who misplaced some explosives, the Brisbane authorities would really like to have a long, long, chat with you. Sitting Pretty There was just one pesky problem with the box. He couldn’t reach the brake pedal, but he didn’t find that out until he needed to stop. He found an unconventional solution for that, too, when he plowed into another car at an intersection. You’ll be thrilled to learn that he sees the error of his ways, now:
Too little, too late, 20-20 hindsight Sparky. Look Before You Leap James bolted and tried to elude capture with mixed results. Once, he stumbled, and a screwdriver - a tool of his trade - fell out of his pocket. When he arrived at the end of the road, literally, his escape was blocked by a 3-foot high wall. Undaunted, James vaulted over the wall, and had time to mull the errors of his ways, briefly, while he fell to his death 200 feet below the wall atop the steep cliff. His criminal career, along with James himself, expired when he hit the ground below. Adventures In Ineptitude Swifty goes shopping Armed with a stolen credit card, Swifty decided to use it to stock up on some essentials. After getting a latte in an Iowa City (Iowa, DUH) java joint, Swifty paid a visit to a tobacco shop for some smokes. Once again, his stolen credit card worked like a charm, but the same can’t be said for Swifty, who - I’m not making this up - signed his REAL name, not the name on the credit card. His lucky streak hit a speed bump when he tried to purchase $154.21 of merchandise at another store and the credit card sounded a ‘STOLEN’ warning. Was Swifty up to the challenge? Not exactly. He produced his own REAL identification. Swifty ran out of luck at a deli, where the cops finally caught up with him. He claimed he found the credit cards after a party and decided to use them. Nice story, Swifty, but you were still bagged tagged and dragged to the local graybar anyway, for unauthorized use of a credit card. Book this fool, Dan-o. Sometimes you feel like a nut Predictably, when someone perpetrates a stunt of this monumental stupidity, trouble reared its ugly head:
If you decided to tempt fate and duplicate this stunt, do us a favor and have a rational adult standing by with a camera. We’ll want pictures of you writhing in agony while the paramedics try to extricate your little soldier from that tight spot. Murphy’s Law, Mexas-Style Our hero, Dexter Williams, hit his first speed bump, when he got to his getaway car, a Dodge Dynasty. That's when he learned that he left his car keys inside the bank. His next speed bump transpired when Arby’s employee, Justin Dean, spotted Dexter running toward the back of the shopping center and passed the info to the cops. The final speed bump reached critical mass when the cops found him near a trash bin, a mere block from the bank. He’d just thrown his robbery hat and a red t-shirt inside the bin, to elude detection. He should have saved himself the effort because he’d already sealed his fate back in the bank. How? You’re going to love it:
Bagged, tagged and dragged, Dexter will soon feel right at home in that graybar suite. Book this moron,Walker. AUGUST 2008
Good Thinking, Sparky Busted By Brewskies On August 26th, after a hearing in Rock Island County Circuit Court, our hero celebrated with a trip to a Fort Madison (Iowa) motel. Once there, because it seemed like a spiffy idea at the time, Jason got into an argument, brandished a knife and took 5 people hostages. We aren’t sure what he had on his mind, but we do know, that, in the fullness of time, Jason sent two of the hostages on a brewskie run. Once free the two hostages contacted the cops who arrived and made Jason and offer he couldn’t refuse. Now, in addition to that drug charge in Illinois, Jason is staring at some hard time for false imprisonment in Iowa. Nice move, genius. Parting shot: I feel confident in predicting that Jason just qualified for my lovely bride’s all purpose solution: just shoot the bastard. Amateur Hour In Flori-DUH
Leila got a special bonus for her antics, a guest suite in the local graybar hotel, where the exit fee is an impressive $12,000 bail. Congratulations, Leila, you’re more then a complete moron. You’re a complete moron with two counts of armed robbery on your rap sheet. Murphy’s Law, Chicago Style The daring daylight robbery plan started to unravel, the moment that one of the store clerks resisted the robbers and mister armed and dangerous desperado - I am NOT making this up - shot himself in the foot. With the robbers in turmoil, the 61 years young store owner grabbed a knife then stabbed the wounded robber in the back. At that point, desperados decided to flee the scene of the crime while they could. The punks made a clean getaway, but the wounded robber was apprehended a short time later, when he showed up at a local hospital to get his wounds treated. Let Them Eat Cake The robbery started with a bang, after the security guard assigned to escort the money changer got out of a van and put his personal bags on a trolly. When the two robbers let off a 10-shot fusillade, the guard hustled the money changer - and his money - out of harm’s way, leaving his own bags behind. Leaping to an unwarranted assumption, the robbers grabbed the bag of loot and made a clean getaway. PIG news hopes they enjoyed eating the mooncakes - a Chinese delicacy - that were in the bags they stole. That’s right, PIGsters. These Malaysian desperados got buck fever and stole the WRONG bag of loot. Life is just one damn thing after another. Stupendous Synaptic Shutdowns Hanging Out In J.O.E. Armed with a hammer, he smashed a small window located in the front of a Victorian terrace home. Using it as a foothold, he used his hammer to smash the larger front window. That’s when things went to crap for Johnny boy. His foot got caught, he lost his grip, then ended up hanging upside down with his foot inexorably wedged in the window frame. As bad as that sounds, it gets better:
When the cops arrived, our hero made one final grab for the congenital moron brass ring and he snagged it. He insisted, for all the good it did him, that he armed himself with a hammer to stop ANOTHER burglar from robbing the house. Bagged, tagged and dragged to a graybar suite? You bet. By the next day, now that he was right side up, Johnny boy admitted what everybody knew, when he faced the judge. He’ll be sentenced on September 3rd. Diligent Dumbass After hacking a 6-foot hole in a wall, our hero spent the next 6 HOURS working on the store’s safe. He was still at it, when the employees started showing up. Eager to make a clean - empty handed - get away, our desperado started a fire, to distract the store workers, while he got the hell out of Dodge. As fun as this sounds, it gets better. When the proper authorities arrived to investigate, they found that the store safe was - TA DA - unlocked. It might have happened when he knocked it over, cops opine. Whenever it happened, our hard working desperado never got his sticky fingers on the ‘few thousand dollars’ the safe contained. Luckily, the fire didn’t destroy the store, but it did inflict ‘thousands’ in damage. Despite the ‘humorous’ nature of this criminal ineptitude, our diligent desperado stepped in it, when he set that fire. Unlike his bungled robbery, setting a fire while people were in the store is first degree arson, a crime that will send this fool up the river for 35 years. Blessed to Death The fun started, when our hero, and his mommy, traveled to the Muslim Khan Jahan Ali shrine, in Bangladesh. Hundreds of pilgrims visit the shrine, daily, to make an offering to the shrine’s ravenous star attractions, a group of crocodiles that live in the shrine’s pond. Normally, the pilgrims offer goats or chickens to win the crocodiles’ blessing. Some brave souls bathe in the water with the crocs, after distracting them with food, no doubt. Our hero, Rubel Sheikh, decided to press his luck, but, somewhere along the line, that human gene pool application was stamped, "HELL YES". As a result, the same crocs who, normally, ignore humans who invade their turf, took a long hard look at our volunteer and rang the dinner bell. The leftovers from their pilgrim snack washed ashore a few days later. Breaking The Rules Near the bottom of the Big Apple crime ladder, Trent Jones is targeting low-hanging fruit: stealing a vintage woman’s wallet from her purse while she’s shopping in a grocery store. Using an accomplice to distract his victim, he managed the taking part without problems, but thereafter, his caper careened off the rails. Rule violation one: He stayed in the vicinity of the crime too long. He allowed ample time for his victim to detect the theft, report it to the store clerks, and spot Trent on a surveillance tape. Rule violation two: He didn’t put substantial distance between himself and the scene of the crime. He was spotted standing across the street from the store with his partner in crime. Rule violation three: As slow footed as he is slow witted, Trent didn’t escape on the next city bus, like his smarter, faster, partner. Instead, he got into a foot race that involved running into traffic and getting hit. Rule violation four: Don’t give away incriminating data on yourself. During the chase, Trent threw a wallet at the pursuing store managers. It was his OWN wallet and contained his ID, plus some of the woman’s stolen credit cards. Rule violation five: Don’t get caught. The store managers ran him down, then held Trent until the cops could come to bag, tag and drag his loser butt to the local graybar. Nice Move, Einstein * He was drunk as a skunk. * He doesn’t have a valid driver’s license. * He was tailgating another car. * The car he tailgated so relentlessly was - TA DA - a cop car. When the Erie County sheriff’s deputies pulled over our hero, they ran him through the requisite drill, with predictable results. After some preliminary pleasantries, the deputies enticed our hero into trying his luck at drunk-o-meter roulette. Wasyl flunked in spectacular fashion, after which he was bagged, tagged and dragged to the local drunk tank. Adventures in Stupidity Flaunting It In Montana Our hero’s luck ran out, this week, when members of the U.S. Marshall Service showed up at the Montana Rescue Mission in Billings (Montana, DUH) to investigate another case. During their inquiries, they looked up and ‘BINGO’ there was a dangerous fugitive. The federal officers didn’t have any trouble spotting our hero, thanks to the tattoo he has on his forehead. What tattoo did Sterling Wolfname have on his forehead? "Wolfname." Wolfname? What’s up with that, and why did this fool think nobody would notice it? File this epic under ‘begging for it’ in your true crime archives. Mister Cool & Clueless Our desperado did take a break in the action, when the phone rang. That’s right, PIGsters, he answered the phone! And who, you ask, would call a closed eatery? If you guessed the alarm company, give yourself a cookie. Big fun, and it gets better.
Unwilling to leave empty handed, Chris grabbed a bottle of adult beverage and cleared out, before the cops arrived. Normally, this is where we’d invoke ‘bagged, tagged and dragged’, but there’s one more tidbit that proves Chris is dumber than a box of rocks. The next day, after enjoying Chris' amazing performance on the security video, restaurant employees spotted our dumbass desperado walking through the eatery. The observant employees persuaded Chris to hang around, until the proper authorities could arrive to bag, tag and drag this moron to the local graybar hotel. Better Than Breadcrumbs Following a trail of snack food ‘dropouts’, the cops arrived at a nearby home, where they found the snacks from the vending machine. Despite unconvincing denials by the three hungry punks, the cops bagged, tagged and dragged them to a local graybar, where snacking between meals isn’t tolerated. Book ‘em, Dan-o. Stupidity Is Its Own Reward Giving Ineptitude A Bad Name Doing their best to look menacing, one of the morons brandished his toy gun. Unimpressed by what was obviously a fake weapon, the store minion refused to play along. Doing the math, the dumbass desperado duo decided that force of numbers - 2 against 1 - would get ‘er done. That, too, proved to be wrong, when one robber tried to snatch some cash out of the register. All he got for his trouble is a badly bruised hand, when the store minion slammed the register drawer shut on the would-be robber's hand. OUCH! Out of ideas, the pair fled the scene of their attempted crime, but their getaway wasn’t as clean as it needed to be. Somebody spotted them getting into a Kia driven by a woman. Armed with that info, the Flagstaff cops tracked down the car, interrogated its driver and quickly bagged, tagged, and dragged the driver, plus her two inept desperado companions, to the nearest graybar hotel. Oops! While his victims awaited his next move, our desperado, picked up the pieces of his gun, reassembled it, then resumed his robbery which was, believe it or not, successful:
Now that he has some ready cash, our desperado needs to go shopping for a sturdier firearm. What’s the point in being an ARMED robber, if your weapon self destructs when you really need it? What a Drag The first thing that could go wrong involved having somebody see them. The second thing that could go wrong would involve that bystander being a sworn officer in the Williamsburg police. The third thing that could go wrong would have the police department follow the gouge marks that the rail left in the pavement to the scrap metal yard where the four bright bulbs were trying to sell it. The final thing that could, and did, go wrong involves being bagged, tagged and dragged to the local graybar hotel. JULY 2008
PIGish Crime Blotter Jackson (Michigan) At times, she was weaving along Jackson’s highways and byways at 40 mph. But, luckily for our purveyor of justice, she made a badly timed pit stop that allowed the cop to catch up with her. After the requisite pleasantries - we’re compelled to wonder if our drunk commented on the officer’s ride - our teenage drunk snatched up those field sobriety test dice and rolled snake eyes. Life is so damn sucky, that way. Chased down by a cop on a Segway? Wow, that’s a capital ‘L’ loser. Phoenix (Arizona) As far as we can tell, the robbery itself unfolded as planned. The real fun started when he tried to get away. That escape was made much more difficult than he expected, when the large group of police officers gathered across the street from the liquor store made life much too thrilling for the robber. The officers interrupted their training exercise, when a civilian reported the robbery. By the time our desperado emerged from the liquor store, a dozen armed police officers were there to greet him. In addition to the requisite pleasantries, gun shots were fired, at least one of which gave our desperado a painful reality check in his abdomen. Is this what they mean by a ‘live fire’ training exercise? Parting shot: I’m pleased to report that the desperado’s injuries are ‘life-threatening’ so human gene pool improvement is also in play. Portsmouth, Hampshire (J.O.E.) It started off wonderfully, when Tommy boy smashed in the back door of a the home belonging to a 33 year old single mother. His timing was good, since she had taken her son and daughter (ages 12 and 10 respectively) on an outing that evening. After refreshing himself with a glass of milk, Tommy boy got down to business of ransacking the place. After helping himself to the 12 year old lad’s Xbox computer, some games for it, and $240 the lad had been saving for his holiday, Tommy boy headed downstairs. By the time he got there, those Valium tablets were kicking in, big damn time, so he decided to crash on a mattress for a short nap. He was still sawing logs, when the homeowner returned, spotted our hero, then summoned the cops. None of this frantic activity registered with Tommy boy, who was so drugged up that it took the cops a long time to wake him up. Tommy boy is wide awake now, and likely to stay that way, after pleading guilty to a laundry list of burglary and other charges. He’s cooling his heels in a Brit graybar, until he gets sentenced, some time in August. Stupid Human Tricks Snap, Crackle, BZZZZZZZT An AP news item shared these tidbits about our human gene pool volunteer:
The Dallas police served up the requisite ‘well, DUH’ moment when they opined that the man might have been up there to seal copper. No shit, Sherlock. What else would he be doing up there, sightseeing? It only hurts when I laugh By that time, his target of opportunity got the thrilling news that Judon is armed and dangerous, so he took off as fast as his feet would take him. Satisfied, Judon shoved his gun into his pocket, squeezing off a third shot. I’m pleased to report that the third time was a charm for Judon, who shot himself in the left thigh. All’s well that ends well? You better believe it, born on the Bayou Sparky. The cops have already bagged, tagged and dragged Judon to the local graybar on an attempted murder charge. Electrifying stupidity Undoubtedly bummed, when those misers at Entergy Arkansas cut his power for nonpayment, Lonnie decided to fix their wagon but good. He filed his human gene pool volunteer application, the moment he grabbed his jumper cables and headed for the power meter box. He got that once in a lifetime ‘thrill’ that his application had been accepted, after he hooked one end of the cables to the power box and began closing the circuit. Faster than you can say ‘Bzzzzt’, Lonnie was launched into the hereafter, but he left his jumper cables behind. He was still clutching them, when the proper authorities arrived on the scene. Parting shot: One of the Faulkner County sheriff’s officers quoted by this Memphis ABC affiliate is - I swear it’s true - Andy SHOCK. Holy postmortem irony, Batman! Human Gene Pool Volunteer, Trifecta Three Down, Seven To Go We know what you’re thinking but, according to some local, Tar Heel State, experts no spark is needed to set off this stuff. All that’s needed is the relevant amount of friction and BOOM. ‘Boom’ in this case is the sound that sent Byron and three of his fingers on different paths through life. You’ll be pleased to learn that Byron didn’t have any dastardly, differently-legal plans for his homemade explosives. That’s right, nothing to see here Sparky. Byron is just your plain vanilla seven-fingered moron. What a Pisser It happened while our hero was waiting for a train at the Vauxhall (South London) station. Needing to drain the weasel, and unwilling to find the ‘loo’, our hero did the ‘manly’ thing. Standing by the tracks, he unzipped and let fly. The last sound he heard, before that high voltage ZAP nailed him, was the sound of fate stamping his human gene pool volunteer application "HELL YES". According to this story, the 750-volt charge running through the rails used that stream of water from his wang to give our volunteer a fatal reality check. Parting shot: We like this story but are compelled to question its veracity. The facts, as presented, are beyond fun. BUT, when the Myth Buster dudes tired to duplicate a similar ‘accident’, their tests never produced a fatal electrical charge. If you put a gun to our heads, we’d admit that we don’t really give a rip if this one is true or not. That’s how off the scale fun this is. Stop Bugging Me! The key elements in this adventure in explosive idiocy are an apartment, a container of bug spray, a complete moron, plus an ignition source to make things interesting. The hilarity hit its stride, while Isias was evicting the uninvited guests from his kitchen with a generous - to a fault - application of bug spray. During that process, mister flame introduced himself to those combustible fumes and KA-BOOM. Isias managed to destroy 80% of his apartment, blowing out the front windows and setting off an impressive blaze. Letting Isias have a can of bug spray is, quite literally, handing a weapon of mass destruction to a blithering idiot. Don’t be a complete Isias-hole, if you’ve got an insect infestation THAT BAD, call in a bug nuking pro Multitasking Desperado A Great Northwest Nitwit desperado probably concluded, quite understandably, that his chances of success in liberal infested Washington were excellent. After settling down, to enjoy a brewskie, at a table in Tacoma’s Pacific Grill, the robber made his move. He strolled into a private dining room and demanded "wallets and cash" from the diners. He met with partial success from one of the doctors seated at a table, but was bummed, when the wallet only contained credit cards. Next, our hero returned to his table to regroup. Ignoring the kitchen staff and other diners who confronted him, our hero returned for a second attempt at the table occupied by the doctors. That’s when one of the medical pros - undoubtedly a, GASP, conservative - pulled out his street legal fire arm and encouraged the desperado to hit the road. Taking the not so subtle hint, our hero left the scene of the crime and blundered into the waiting arms of the Tacoma police who bagged, tagged and dragged him to the nearest graybar hotel. K |