Human Gene Pool Improvement Epics
Source: PIG News Wire [07/23/10]

Things That Go ‘Boom’ I
Undoubtedly bored, and who can blame him, a 38 year old Keizar (Oregon) dude, Eric Rose, decided to get a bang out of life, by playing with a small cannon. If you see where this is going, don’t spoil it for the merely mortal.

Eric filed his human gene pool improvement application, while he was helping load the cannon with black power. We’ll never know if he heard the fickle fates shout "Accepted", when an unscheduled explosion turned the two-inch diameter barrel into shrapnel, forcibly evicting Eric from the human gene pool. Wherever he is, now, Eric is up to speed on his ‘you’re OUT’ status.

Three other cannon clowns got off with minor injuries, and a timely ‘if at first you don’t succeed’ rain check from the fickle fates.

Things That go ‘Boom’ II
A pair of Great Northwest Nitwits did their best to improve the human gene pool, but, you know who, let them off with a stern warning, via HIS infamous ‘fools and drunks’ exemption. The key elements of this epic are a 55 gallon barrel, four gallons of methanol, an empty parking lot, and our two morons.

Eager to perpetrate a thrill ride like no other, our thrill seeking volunteers filed their HGPI applications, when they put the methanol inside the barrel, climbed aboard the barrel, then lit it off. In theory, the barrel was supposed to thrill them, by skidding across the parking lot at high speed. In practice, the barrel EXPLODED, a predictable event which sent them on a different ride than the one that they expected. An ambulance transported them to the emergency room of a local hospital. From there, the trip continued with a flight to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle.

Mark this one ‘we’ll get you, next time’, on your HGPI scorecard.

The Slap of Death
South Carolina denizen Justin Helton’s 23rd birthday started with the traditional singing of ‘Happy Birthday’ and ended when the fates stamped his human gene pool improvement application ‘accepted’. It was, as you might expect, one hell of a day.

Justin’s header into human gene pool improvement started, as so many of them do, with a generous infusion of adult beverage. Once his blood alcohol level reached critical mass, Justin’s birthday joy turned into hostility, a fun fact which made him get into arguments with several of the patrons at the Ice House Bar & Grill.

Eventually, Justin, and his attitude, went outside for a bit of fresh air. That’s where Justin surrendered to the siren song of the trains rolling past the adult beverage emporium. He sealed his fate, when he followed up on his announcement that he was going to slap a train.

There’s just one devilish detail about ‘slapping a train’ that Justin didn’t consider: moving trains have a nasty habit of slapping back. After being sucked into the moving train, Justin was folded, spindled, and mutilated - ‘they’ used terms like ‘multiple fractures’ and ‘massive blunt force trauma’. Justin’s last moments among the living were punctuated by the sound of the fates shouting "ACCEPTED".

It Seemed Like A Spiffy Idea
Source: PIG News Wire [07/16/10]

Dumb & Dumber, in Indiana
From our ‘what were you thinking’ news desk, PIG News brings you the story of two rookie, Indiana, desperados.

Step 1: Two Hoosier hormone gorillas - ages 15 & 16 - make a pit stop at a local ice cream shop.

Step 2: Both lads fill out job applications, upon which they put their real deal names and addresses.

Step 3: When the ice cream shop minion goes to file the job applications, one of the lads helps himself to the dead presidents in the tip jar.

Step 4: When the lads flee the scene of the crime, the ice cream shop minion, who witnessed the crime, gave chase.

Step 5: After the ice cream shop minion caught up with them, one of the lads handed over $2.

Step 6: The lads are bagged, tagged, and dragged to a graybar on theft charges.

PIGish advice: If you’re going to steal, do NOT, serve up your name and address, before, during, or after the caper. I’m just sayin’.

Explosive Idiocy In Flori-DUH
Loaded down with a large container of fireworks which they ‘collected’ during a stint at a fireworks stand, a pair of Flori-DOLTS headed for Gandy Beach, for a belated July 4th fireworks celebration. Everything was spiffy, for Mr. & Mrs. Pyro, until their fireworks festivities pissed off another group of beach goers.

Eventually, Mr. & Mrs. Pyro picked up their explosive toys and beat a hasty retreat. I’m thrilled to report that their departure was, to say the least, memorable:

They picked up the leftover fuses and debris, he said, lumping them into the container with unlit flammables in their 1991 Lexus LS 400.

The explosions started in the car as they pulled away. The old fireworks apparently set off the unused ones, Granata said.

The fireworks blew out the back window and the sunroof — up to 30 feet — before burning the car. The vehicle was a total loss, according to St. Petersburg Fire & Rescue.

The man burned himself as he tried grabbing the keys from the ignition from the outside, Granata said. He had burns across 10 percent of his body and was treated at the scene before he was taken to Tampa General Hospital in good condition. (St. Petersburg Times)

I can’t wait to see how Mr. & Mrs. Pyro plan to top THIS, next year.

Stupidity, Criminal, and Generic
Source: PIG News Wire [07/09/10]

Smackdown on the Shampoo Aisle
When he headed for a Colorado Springs supermarket on a Sunday afternoon, Greg Hartman’s agenda was limited to replenishing his shampoo supply. It did NOT include a demonstration of his skills as second-degree black belt in Universal Kempo Karate. Life - and a knife wielding asshat - had other plans for Greg.

It started, when an asshat accosted Greg. It ended, when Greg used his martial arts skills to send the fool packing:

Asshat: "Hey, you're not the only one shopping here, asshole."

Greg, moving aside: "All yours."

Asshat: Pulls a knife with a three-inch blade and comes at Greg.

The Colorado Springs Independent, serves up these punchy, asshat-enlightening, particulars:

Like most of us, Hartman has encountered his share of aggressive people, and he says his usual response is "just to walk away from trouble. After all, you don't buy a car to see if the air bags will deploy in a wreck."

But when Hartman saw that knife, in his words, "I had to do something."

What happened over the next 3 to 5 seconds takes Hartman several minutes to explain. He grabbed the guy's wrist, hit him in the face with what's known as a "palm strike" and, when the man wouldn't drop the knife, Hartman pulled harder until the man's wrist popped, either broken or dislocated.

"He finally dropped the knife, and I kicked it behind me," Hartman says. "But then he started to come at me again, so I hit him with another palm strike, and from the sound of it, I'm pretty sure it broke his nose."

That ended the fight. The man stumbled away, and Hartman didn't try to stop him. Instead, he went home. (Colorado Springs Independent)

Greg wasn’t looking for trouble, and he did his best to walk away from it. BUT, when the asshat pressed his luck, Greg bestowed some black belt class enlightenment.

Explosive Idiocy In New Jersey
It probably seemed like a good idea, at the time, when a Jersey City Jackass, Joseph Princiotta, got a paper cartridge filled with gun powder, from a friend who used it for his Civil War re-enactor exploits. It was, Jackass Joe decided, a nifty idea to set it off in the parking lot of the Brookside Diner, around midnight.

To get the job done, Jackass Joe asked a 66-year-old Livingston man for a light. Fire in the hole? Yup.

Police said Princiotta thought it was a firecracker and asked the alleged victim to light it as he was walking through the parking lot of the Brookside Diner, Hanover Detective Earle Seely said. The gun powder ignited, flared up and burned the man's arm. He was taken to St. Baranabas hospital and released. Princiotta had slight burns on his hand as well.

Princiotta was charged with simple assault. (Daily Record)

I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you, that stampeding stupidity still isn’t a felony in New Jersey. Hopefully, Governor Chris Christie will find some time to rectify that egregious, justice system, oversight.

You? Again? Already?
The ‘you’ in question is a New Hampshire dude named Paul Baldwin. ‘Again’ denotes the fun fact that Paul just got arrested for the 154th time, at the old enough to know better age of 49. The ‘already’ is due to the fact that this chronic recidivist chalked up his latest justice system tally a mere 12 days after he finished a one-year stretch in a New Hampshire graybar. He was in there for stealing a $1.99 beer. He’ll be returning to his graybar suite for stealing two 18-packs and one 12-pack from a stop and rob.

For those of you who obsess on such things, Paul has racked up, in addition to the aforementioned arrests, 8 trespass notices, 75 citations, and he has been nabbed using four different Social Security number aliases. When he’s not boosting brewskies, Paul has dabbled in criminal mischief, receiving stolen property, and arson.

Paul is a waste of breathable air. Don’t book this fool, Dan-o, just take him out and shoot him.

Occupational Hazard
Source: PIG News Wire [07/01/10]

Even at the best of times, driving a cab for a living is far from thrilling. That’s especially true when you’re motoring around a city like Seattle, in the wee hours, looking for a fare.

Bad: You pour a drunk into your cab at 3:30 a.m., then drive him to his destination.

Worse: When you try to pour him out of the cab, he resists you, and locks you out of your ride.

Why Me?: The drunk climbs into the driver’s seat and drives off in your cab, forcing you to report the theft to the cops.

Luckily, the cops tracked down the missing asshat and returned the cab to the driver, unscathed. It’s just another day on a job that’s, fraught with all kinds of peril, including, but not limited to, drunk as a skunk intellectual flatliners.

BZZZZT
Source: PIG News Wire [07/01/10]

When it comes to deselection, few ‘occupations’ are bigger ‘contributors’ to human gene pool improvement than those daredevils who roll fate’s dice by stealing copper wire from functioning power stations.

Ignoring the prominent "HIGH VOLTAGE" signs, a New Castle (Pennsylvania) nitwit, Jonathan Donofrio, pressed his luck, by trying to steal copper wire from a electric substation. Faster than you can say BZZZZT, Jonathan had his human gene pool improvement volunteer application stamped ‘accepted’:

“We believe he broke in to steal copper,” said New Castle Police Chief Tom Sansone.

Authorities said Donofrio's girlfriend found him and alerted police. Sansone said when they arrived they found Donofrio dead near a duffle bag with copper inside.

Investigators said he came in contact with live wires.

“It is very dangerous to work with live wires. We don’t think this was his first time,” said Sansone. (WPXI)

It may not have been Jonathan’s first adventure in stealing copper, but it’s unquestionably his last. Deselected? You better believe it - chortle, chortle - ‘Sparky’.

Pathetic Excuse of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [07/01/10]

Our hero, Cringer, went to great lengths to hide a painful truth from his lovely bride, but all he managed to do is guarantee that she’d hear about his antics on the nightly news.

Step 1: After cashing his paycheck, Cringer headed for the local booty parlor - the Peek-A-Boo Lounge in Manatee County (Flori-DUH).

Step 2: After spending more than half his paycheck on adult beverages and strippers, Cringer had an unscheduled burst of ‘WTF will I tell HER’ synaptic activity.

Step 3: Cringer retreated to his Quality Inn motel room, where he ingested more adult beverages, while he weighted his options.

Step 4: Cringer ventured out at 6:30 a.m., at which time he flagged down a cop and told the officer "I was robbed by a Flori-DUH desperado".

Step 5: Hopelessly tangled up in his own lies, Cringer came clean. He wasn’t a robbery victim, he admitted, but he worried that he’d become a crime statistic, when his wife - via their joint bank account - found out about his booze and babes spending spree.

If anyone wants to start a funeral fund for Cringer, write me down for one plug nickle, which is a lot more than this loser is worth.

It Seemed Like A Spiffy Idea...
Source: PIG’s Stampeding Stupidity News Desk [06/25/10]

Open Mouth, Insert Foot
A Down East dumbass stepped in it, when he tried to talk his way out of trouble, by lying about his identity.

This adventure started, after Cumberland County (Maine) Sheriff’s Deputy Andy Schenck spotted our hero speeding along an Orr’s Island byway, around 6 p.m. on a Friday evening. When Deputy Schenck tried to pull over our lead-footed hero, the Down East Einstein, kept going, refusing to stop, until he reached his destination. That’s when he kicked his antics up a notch.

During the requisite exchange of pleasantries, our lead-footed hero stepped in it, by serving up a bogus name and date of birth. It was a nice try, except for one devilish detail. The name he used belonged to a dude who, among other things, is wanted on an outstanding warrant. D’Oh!

When Deputy Schenck hit our Einstein with the justice system equivalent of ‘is that your final answer?’, lead-foot properly identified himself as Buddy Burton. It won’t shock you to learn that Buddy is no stranger to the justice system. That’s why he shouldn’t be gobsmacked by the laundry list of charges his antics garnered: operating as a habitual offender, due to two prior convictions for operating after license suspension, as well as with failure to stop for an officer, failure to give correct name and address to an officer and refusing to sign a criminal summons.

Smooth moves, genius.

Tattletale Technology
A desperado who stole a trailer, then listed it on Craigslist, was hoisted on his own petard, when his cell phone ratted him out.

Due to shoddy reporting by WDRB (Fox 41), we don’t know how the proper authorities tracked this fool down. We do know that 25-year-old Gerald Ray tried to lie his way out of a tough spot, when a cop, and the trailer’s rightful owner, showed up at Gerald’s Louisville refuge to examine the trailer.

Gerald did his best to elude the forces of justice, by refusing to answer any questions about himself, or how he gained possession of the trailer he was selling. Despite Gerald’s feeble attempt to disguise the trailer with a coat of paint, the trailer’s rightful owner was able to identify his property, thanks to some tattletale markings.

For Gerald, the infamous ‘gotcha’ moment came, when the trailer’s rightful owner dialed up the phone number listed on the Craigslist ad, and Gerald’s cell phone rang. D’Oh! In record time, Gerald was bagged, tagged, and dragged for receiving stolen goods.

Lose Something?
The fun started, early in the morning, when a trio of Johnstown (Pennsylvania) decided to steal electronics from some parked cars in a residential neighborhood. It ended with a resounding ‘D’OH’ when one of these Einsteins set off a car alarm, and got caught at the scene of the crime, after an eyewitness pointed him out to the cops. As dumb as that sounds, he, apparently, was the SMART one:

The other two were found a short time later meandering at State Street and Diamond Boulevard. “They got lost and couldn’t find their car,” [Officer Thomas] Dowdell said. (Tribune Democrat)

It’s crying shame they didn’t find their car, before getting bagged, tagged, and dragged. They're lucky that some other, slightly smarter, thieves didn't make off with their loot: a radar detector, two Garmin GPS units, a DVD player and two pairs of sunglasses.

That Damn Fools and Drunks Exemption Strikes Again.
Our hero - Jerry Whipple - is the kind of clown who puts the ‘duh’ in Flori-DUH. We don’t know much about Jerry, but what we do know is more than enough.

For example, we know that he’s a dude who can put away a snootful of adult beverages. We also know that, once he passes out, waking him up again isn’t a walk in the park. Finally, we know that, for reasons known only to him, Old Ka-Boom has a soft spot for Jerry.

We found all this out, when Jerry was spotted drunk as a skunk, wearing a life vest, passed out on a pool float, a mile out to sea. Unhappily, a recreational boater spotted Jerry, then summoned the Coast Guard, which arrived in time to save this fool from a richly deserved watery grave.

I HATE IT when that happens.

Swimming In The Shallow End of the Human Gene Pool
Source: Golden Oinks [06/18/10]

Determined to keep their plan as simple as possible, a pair of Brit desperados kicked finesse to the curb, when they tried to break into a North Devon (J.O.E.) department store. Armed with the tools of their differently-legal trade, Clive and Kelvin Webster used a screwdriver, a crowbar, and a hammer to knock a two foot hole in the wall of the store. Game, set, match? Not exactly.

When Clive’s defense attorney called this badly bungled burglary attempt, "wholly incompetent" he nailed it:

Mistake 1: The hole in the wall was a scant 6 feet away from the store’s burglar alarm.

Mistake 2: The hole in the wall was much too small to handle Clive’s sleek, 238 pound, bod.

Mistake 3: When Clive got stuck, his frantic, futile, attempt to extricate himself, resulted in a 1 a.m. emergency call to the cops.

The cops who responded to the call stopped laughing long enough to bag, tag, and drag the Webster brothers to a local graybar suite. Normally, this is where we would post a properly-PIGish rejoinder, but not this time, because Clive’s lawyer said it all, in a Brit courtroom:

"In fact, were there a school of burglary this example might be given to students on the first day to demonstrate what not to do," Clive Webster's defense attorney, Tim Hook, told the North Devon Magistrates' Court. (Fox)

Parting shot: After explaining that these Einsteins are several lugnuts short of a proper tire attachment, one of the defense lawyers laid this fetid fact on the court: Clive has 5 offspring to support. Where’s Darwin when we really need him?

Their Government At Work
Source: Scotsman [06/17/10]

In theory, there’s nothing wrong about a dude admiring a particularly fetching lass. In theory, it’s still not WTF material, if you perpetrate this ogling while you’re at work. In practice, it’s a terminally bad move if your horndog drooling is picked up by a live microphone, while you’re conducting official business as the ‘convener’ (chairman, probably) of the Scottish Parliament’s petitions committee. It’s a very bad career move, when the lass in question is - TA DA - JAIL BAIT.

LABOUR MSP Frank McAveety has quit as convener of the Scottish Parliament's petitions committee after it emerged the female member of the public he had been eyeing up was a schoolgirl on work experience.

A microphone picked up Mr McAveety telling an official: "There's a very attractive girl in the second row: dark and dusky. I'll maybe have to put a wee word out for her. She's very attractive-looking. Nice, very nice."

It later emerged the girl in question was on work experience with the Green MSPs. A source today confirmed she was "15 or 16".

Mr McAveety resigned, saying he did not want the incident to detract from the committee's work. (Scotsman)

Stick a fork in yourself, horndog, because you are DONE.

Watch Out Below
Source: KATU [06/12/10]

I can’t prove that some rational adult told a Depoe Bay (Oregon) dude, Dennis Brockus, to ‘go fly a kite’, but the possibility is still in play. Apparently, Dennis got so carried away with his kite flying, that he couldn’t resist getting airborne, for a few, relentlessly thrilling, moments.

Dennis ‘got some air’, while he was flying his kite near the rugged Oregon seashore. It was all going as planned, until Dennis’ kite got away from him. When the kite headed for the cliff, so did Dennis. When the kite headed over the cliff, so did our hero.

After a brief flight, during which his human gene pool improvement volunteer application was stamped ‘accepted’, 45 year old Dennis did a header into the ocean. The U.S. Coast Guard found his mortal remains 50 to 100 yards from shore.

PIGish Moral of our Story: If you’re flying a kite and it goes over a cliff, let it go dude. It’s not worth dying for.

To Err Is Human
Source: PIG News Wire [06/11/10]

Better Than Breadcrumbs
Eager to pluck some low-hanging desperado fruit, Gary Browder decided that a Jacksonville (Florida) gas station was made to order. Surrendering to a nicotine fit, Gary pulled into the pitstop, smashed a window, then snatched up his booty - cigarettes, before fleeing the scene of his crime. A perfect crime? Not exactly.

The gas station’s security cameras recorded Gary’s antics for posterity, including that magic moment when his license plate fell off. Nobody’s fool, the proper authorities snatched up this tattletale breadcrumb and used it to track down Gary’s getaway ride.

Proving that Gary is in the wrong line of work, the cops tracked Gary down to a local graybar suite, where he was ensconced on other charges, unrelated to his heist.

Buffaloed In Flori-DUH
Despite being dead and dismembered...despite suffering the ignoble fate of having its head stuffed and mounted on a wall in an Islamadora (Flori-DUH) abode, a room temperature water buffalo, belatedly, got a measure of revenge. Have I got your undivided attention yet, Sparky?

The Monroe County Sheriff's Office says dispatchers received a call early Friday from a man who could only yell his address and tell operators that he was crushed.

When deputies arrived at the home, they discovered the man trapped in his recliner chair. He had apparently fallen asleep and woken up when the head of a water buffalo, hanging on a wall, fell on his lap.

Authorities say the head was too heavy for the man to lift. He was able to reach his cell phone and call for help.

The man, who was not identified, was taken to Mariner's Hospital for treatment. (NWF Daily News)

Rumors that the water buffalo head, gloated "I’ve fallen, and he can’t get up" are still in play.

You’re A Very Naughty Girl, Suzanne
An Empire State wench, Suzanne Corona, is a woman with a healthy appetite. She knows what she wants, and she isn’t shy about sealing the deal, anywhere, any time. Our horny 41-year-old heroine demonstrated her sexual appetite, while visiting Farrall Park in Batavia, New York, with her 29-year-old stallion, Justin Amend.

Ignoring the other people who were in the park at that time of day - a few minutes after 5 in the afternoon - Suzanne went ‘right here, right now’ bonkers, by getting horizontal and squishy with her stud atop a picnic table. Tragically, her public tryst came to an untimely end, when the cops busted the horny couple for ‘public lewdness’. Just getting started, the relentlessly unamused badge packers deployed a very special charge from their justice system arsenal for our horny heroine.

Congratulations, Suzanne, you just became the 13th person in Empire State history to get charged with - TA DA - adultery. Adultery was put on the books in the early 1900s and it is punishable by up to 90 days in a graybar or a $500 fine.

Parting shot: So far, Suzanne’s hubby, Joseph, is willing to forgive his woman.

You MOOve Me
Our hero, an 18-year-old Indonesian man, on the resort island of Bali, was unable to resist the temptation, when that brazen hussy flaunted her ample charms. The temptation was just too much for him, so he surrendered to it, then boinked that eager bovine temptress:

A neighbour caught Gusti Ngurah Alit in the act on Sunday and immediately reported him to local authorities, village chief Embang Ida Bagus Legawa said. "He was caught by one of the residents standing naked while holding the back of the cow," Legawa said.

On Friday, Alit underwent a cleansing ritual in which he was bathed and the cow was drowned in the sea to rid the village of bad luck. Alit said he did not see a cow but a beautiful young woman. "She called my name and seduced me, so I had sex with her," he said. (Sapa-dpa)

Gusti’s adventure in, uh, animal husbandry, didn’t come cheap:

He had to pay 2,000 old coins as a traditional punishment while the village chief paid the owner of the cow 5 million rupiah (545 dollars) in compensation. (Sapa-dpa)

‘She asked for it’? We weren’t born yesterday, dude.

Amazing Flatliner Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [06/04/10]

Devilish Details Strike Again
When our Minnesota Meathead spotted it sitting in a Perham (Minnesota, DUH) driveway, very early on a Saturday morning, he - erroneously - deduced that Lady Luck was smiling on him. There it was, an Audi 5000 Quattro, with the keys inside. Could Lady Luck be that smitten with our hero? If she is, she has a funny way of showing it.

What our Minnesota Meathead didn’t know, but learned the hard way, is a particularly devilish detail about the car he stole. What he couldn’t see, but quickly discovered, is that the car’s rightful owner had removed the master cylinder, in order to repair the car’s breaks.

Our hero got a - literal and figurative - ‘heads-up’ on the devilish detail, a short distance from the scene of his crime. When he applied the breaks, nothing happened. The car kept on going, until it slammed into a tree, prompting the car thief to do a header into the windshield.

After he gets out of the hospital, he’ll be given ample time to recuperate in a local graybar suite.

Crash Test Dummy
The Good: The four of you are getting an early start on the Memorial Day festivities by taking a 6 a.m. spin on a Highland (Illinois) highway.

The Bad: The driver - ignoring your warning to knock it off - pulls out a can of compressed air (an air duster) and inhales it.

The Ugly: The fool passes out with his foot on the accelerator, causing the car to jump a ditch and smash into an auto dealership at 65 mph.

Thanks to seatbelts, and a cooperative Lady Luck, the fool at the wheel and all three passengers, survived the carnage.

Parting shot: I’m not sure which part of Old Ka-Boom’s fools & drunks exemption covers air duster huffing asshats.

Down East Stoner Antics
You’re a 16 year old Eddington (Maine) wench who, undoubtedly, thinks of yourself as a free spirit. Eager to show ‘the man’ that you’re a rebel, you beg for it by doing 59 mph in a zone with a 35 mph speed limit, on a Sunday morning.

When ‘the man’ stops you, to rain on your parade, you’re dressed for rebellion in a T-shirt that’s festooned with a marijuana leaf on it. On the off chance that Holden police Officer Christopher Greeley can’t take a hint, you have a plastic pot leaf on your key chain. Did Officer Greeley take the hint? You better believe it, stoners rock my world Sparky.

Rolling papers and a pipe were found in the car.

The driver was summoned for speeding and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Her passenger, a 17-year-old from Carmel, had a small amount of marijuana concealed in her bra, Greeley said, and a switchblade knife in her backpack. There also was a picture of a marijuana leaf on her backpack.

The passenger was charged with possession of a switchblade and possession of a usable amount of marijuana. (Bangor Daily News)

File this one under ‘Down East girls just wanna have fun’.

Exit Strategy Needed
A Virginia desperado made it easy for the proper authorities to bag, tag, and drag him, after he pulled off his bank caper. Makele Habtom got it right, up to a point, then he was tripped up by a monumental brain fart.

* Enter the BB&T bank branch at the appointed hour? Check.

* Demand some money from the money emporium minion? Check.

* Leave the bank with your ill-gotten gains? Check.

* Quickly put some distance between yourself and the scene of the crime? Not exactly.

When the proper authorities showed up at the bank mere minutes after the robbery, an unarmed Makele was still loitering in the bank’s parking lot.

Cops are ‘puzzled’ by Makele’s antics, but I’m not. Makele is a MORON!

Adventures In Ineptitude
Source: PIG News Wire [05/28/10]

Flori-DOLT Foiled By Cell Idiocy
At first, our Flori-DUH desperado, Carlos Mitchell, appeared to be home free, after his successful caper at the Lakeland branch of the Platinum Bank. He got in, got some money, and got away, without any unnecessary drama. In the process, however, he left some breadcrumbs which quickly unmasked him.

The first clue was deposited on the day before his heist, when a surveillance photo captured him pretending to open an account. His ploy might have worked, if he’d brought along some ID. Instead, all Carlos did was make himself memorable.

A second clue, his getaway ride, was instrumental in his capture, and led to the biggest breadcrumbs of all - tattletale images on his cell phone:

He was located driving his mom's 2001 gold Chrysler Concorde - a vehicle like the one used in the robbery. When he was stopped, he tried to run away but was caught and found to be in possession of marijuana.

"When detectives searched the Chrysler Concorde and Mitchell's cell phone, they located photos of Mitchell wearing a brown ski mask matching the same mask that was worn during the robbery, and a photo of Mitchell holding a large amount of cash," the sheriff's office said. (WTSP)

In addition to 3 counts of armed robbery, Carlos is also on the hook for possession of weed with intent to sell. I think it’s time for Carlos to get a new gig. Repeat after me, dude: "Do you want fries with that.’

When Things Go Wrong
On paper, ripping off a pizza delivery man seemed like child’s play, for two South Dakota desperados. In practice, plucking that low-hanging fruit was one damn thing after another, for 21-year-old Nathan Jay Seidel and 19-year-old Tyler Joseph McLaughin.

It started, as planned, when they phoned in an order to Boss’ Pizza and Chicken at 3 a.m. It started going wrong, when they accosted the driver, brandishing a gun, and demanding cash:

The driver handed over his money, two pizzas and his cell phone, but the robber dropped his handgun, Kooistra said. The driver picked it up and began to beat the robber as two other men jumped out from the bushes.

One of them followed the driver back to his vehicle along with the robber, and tried to stop the car by jumping on the hood. The driver called police when he got back to the store.

Officers found 21-year-old Nathan Jay Seidel and 19-year-old Tyler Joseph McLaughin outside the apartment building, surrounded by pizzas and loose cash, Kooistra said. Seidel, who was bleeding from the head, attempted to ride away on a bicycle, but fell over. McLaughlin tried to run, but police caught him. (Argus Leader)

When you add it all up - dropping the gun, getting shot with it, hanging around at the scene of the crime, then trying to escape on a bicycle, this caper is a case study in ineptitude.

Channeling Butch & Sundance
Borrowing a move from ‘Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid’, a pair of German desperados egregiously miscalculated the amount of explosives needed to gain access to somebody else’s money. Instead of a railway car, the target of opportunity was a bank in a rural German village named Malliss. In the end, the results were nearly identical to that famous movie scene where Butch and Sundance obliterate the railway car:

Would-be bank robbers in Germany miscalculated the amount of explosives needed to open the front door and instead leveled an entire building, Die WeltOnline reports. The safe and the ATM machine survived intact, however, and the robbers apparently fled without taking any money from the bank branch in Malliss.

Police initially thought one of the robbers might have been buried in the rubble, but search dogs turned up nothing, Die Welt reports. In addition, police found a stolen delivery van on fire outside the building. They surmise that the thieves brought it along to use to cart off the ATM machine. (USA Today)

How, exactly, does D’Oh, sound with a German accent.

Oops, And Other Amazing Tales
Source: PIG News Wire [05/21/10]

Ninjas To The Rescue
With the odds - 3 Aussie asshats versus one German medic trainee - on their side, the desperado trio had it all going their way, or so it seemed. They were so busy beating and stomping their mugging victim that they didn’t pay attention to their surroundings. Suffice it to say that perpetrating a public mugging in front of - TA DA - a martial arts school, is not an idea whose time has come.

They discovered that fun fact, when 5 student ninjas raced out of the nearby training hall:

"They all just froze," said Kaylan Soto, 42, who was training the students. "Then they just took off. I've never seen guys running that fast. They should have been in the Olympics -- they would have won gold."

Soto said the ninjitsu class was wrapping up late on Tuesday when one of his students went outside and saw the men attacking the 27-year-old German, who was near the end of an eight-week exchange visit.

"He called out to me, 'Sensei (teacher), someone's getting mugged on the road outside!'" Soto told AFP. "We just ran outside and started running at them, yelling and everything. These guys have turned around and seen five ninjas in black ninja uniforms running towards them. They just bolted." (AFP)

The Aussie authorities bagged two of the muggers and are looking for the third punk. He won’t be hard to spot. He’s the 15 to 17 year old asshat with a fresh ‘load’ in his skivvies.

Lose Something, Carjacker Sparky?
For the Utah carjacker, it was just one damn thing after another. Initially, luck seemed to be smiling on him, when he brandished a gun and carjacked a man who was refueling his ride at a Salt Lake City pit stop. Game, set, match? Not exactly.

Things took a nasty turn, when the carjacker’s victim spotted a cop and pulled over to seek the officer’s assistance. The good news, for our carjacker, is that he managed to bail out of the car and elude capture. The bad news, for our carjacker, is that, in his rush to flee the scene of his crime, he dropped his wallet, instantly ratting himself out to the cops.

Hours later, he was bagged, tagged, and dragged, when a cop spotted him riding in the back seat of a pickup truck, not wearing his seatbelt. A routine wants and warrants check sealed his fate: already wanted for aggravated burglary, our hapless hero can add carjacking to his desperado resume.

I’m Just Following Orders
When the cops spotted Shafiq Mohamed walking nude on the streets of Thibodaux (Louisiana), they were compelled to have a chat with him. Was Shafiq up to the challenge? You be the judge.

When approached, Mohamed reportedly told officers that "America raped him" and added God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul.

Mohamed was taken into custody and charged with obscenity. He was booked into the Lafourche Parish Detention Center where he awaited bail.

It was not immediately known whether Mohamed has an attorney. (Yahoo News)

As excuses go, this is a new one: "After America raped me, God told me to walk it off, NUDE." It’s a refreshing change from ‘the devil made me do it’.

Triple Time Down Under
Source: Australian Broadcasting Corporation [05/12/10]

When it comes to DUI recidivism, I thought I’d seen it all. I’ve written about the same driver, getting busted several times in one night, while driving the same car. I’ve written about the same driver getting busted several times in one night, while driving different cars. I have NOT, however, done a DUI yarn where the same car was stopped 3 different times, during one night, where each time the car had a different driver.

That’s right one car, one night, three stops, three different drunk as a skunk Aussies.

Just after 4am police stopped the vehicle and say a 25-year-old man was arrested for high-range drink-driving and a range of other driving offences.

Within 10 minutes, police stopped the vehicle again and charged a 31-year-old woman after she was over the alcohol limit.

Again within a ten minute period, police found the car back on the road and a 30-year-old man was charged with drink-driving and providing a false name. (ABC News)

The bad news is that they all got bagged, tagged and dragged for DUI. The good news is that, when the arrive at the drunk tank, they’ll see some familiar faces. It’s glass half full time in the PIGdom.

Snoopy, How Could You?
Source: London Telegraph [05/10/10]

The plan, such as it was, probably didn’t even look good on paper, when a pair of Brit morons hatched their plan to break a relative out of an Isle of Wight graybar hotel. Asinine or not, they geared up, and got down to business.

It all started with a bang, when one of our heroes tried to break down a staff door at the HMP Isle of Wight graybar - get ready to be thrilled - while wearing a SNOOPY costume. When that didn’t work, our heroes pelted prison staff’s cars with chunks of concrete. Did it work? You know better.

A prison source told The Sun: “It’s not every day you see a giant cartoon dog go on the rampage after trying to break into a prison. They weren’t exactly inconspicuous but they were taken seriously because they appeared to have a gun. “They caused a real commotion and it was only later they were found to be armed with a water pistol.” (Telegraph)

It’s time to cue the laugh track, PIGsters, because Snoopy and his friend staged their prison break scheme at the WRONG prison. While they were doing prison break pratfalls at Isle of Wight’s Albany site, their relative was lounging in his graybar suite down the road at the Isle of Wight’s Cramp Hill graybar.

Parting shot: For obvious reasons, the proper authorities called our heroes’ - age 43 and 21 - prison break pratfall “one of the worst attempted jail breaks ever.”

Begging For It
Source: Columbus Dispatch [05/07/10]

When it comes to perpetrating a desperado caper, there are some non-negotiable rules of engagement. The most important one is ‘casing the joint’, before you stage the caper. Another, equally important, rule of engagement involves paying close attention to your surroundings DURING the caper. It’s the latter that tripped up a Buckeye State desperado, this week:

The FBI said that Lois J. Harvey, 40, handed a robbery note to a teller at Chase Bank on 1245 E. Long Street. Little did she know, an off-duty Columbus police officer in full uniform was in line behind her. The teller looked at the note and told Harvey she couldn't read it. Frustrated, she tried to explain the note to the teller. Then she noticed the officer, who was in the bank to make a deposit, the FBI said. Harvey grabbed the note and left the bank.

The officer, not realizing what was happening, stepped up to the teller and was told about the attempted robbery. The officer left the bank and caught up to Harvey, who then tried to eat the note. She was arrested and coughed up the note on the sidewalk. (Dispatch)

Now that she’s ensconced in a graybar suite, Lois will have ample time for a badly needed Desperado 101 refresher course.

Exit Strategies
Source: PIG News Wire [05/07/10]

Mission Accomplished
A Norwegian nitwit, whom we’ll call Einstein, decided to instruct some friends in the fine points of Ruskie roulette, with predictable results, when he pulled the trigger not once, but twice. ‘Click, BANG, oblivion’ sums it up nicely.

A 29-year-old man from Oslo showed his friends how to play Russian roulette last week. Pulling the trigger for a second time, he shot himself in the head.

“He told his friends that he wanted to play Russian roulette and held the gun to his head as he pulled the trigger,” said police inspector Hanne Kristin Rohde from the Oslo Police District, who just confirmed the death on Tuesday.

She added that the man “was dead when we arrived at the scene at the same time as the ambulance.”

Three people were in the apartment when the fatal shot was fired. (Yahoo News)

Mark this one, ‘going out with a BANG’ on your Human Gene Pool Improvement scorecard.

A Buckeye State Bull’s-Eye
Our hero’s name is Jeffrey Disney. He’s a 20-year-old Buckeye State bright-bulb who, apparently, used his family jewels for target practice. Did he ‘get ‘er done’? Perhaps, but this Oxford Press (Oxford, Ohio) news item is woefully lacking on certain essentials. Yes, Jeffrey shot himself. Yes, he hit himself in the ‘groin’. Does that mean the human gene pool won’t be tainted by Jeffrey’s offspring? Maybe:

A 20-year-old man is recovering today, May 5, after apparently accidentally shooting himself in the groin early this morning.

Shortly after 12:30 a.m., police and emergency medical crew were called to the Jeffrey Tyler Disney residence in the 800 block of Heaton Ave. on a report of a person suffering from a gunshot wound, according to the Hamilton Police Department.

Police said an initial investigation found the shooting to [be] the result of an accidental discharge of the weapon by Disney. Sgt. Craig Bucheit said detectives are continuing to investigate the shooting, which “appears” to be accidental. (Oxford Press)

Mark this one ‘try, try, again’ on your HGPI scorecard.

Lying Down On The Job
A Cheesehead, Matthew Fitzwater, managed to verify several essential scientific principles, this week, during a HGPI (human gene pool improvement) adventure. It happened, while Matt and a friend where transporting a mattress and box spring atop a van.

Everything was spiffy, until the ropes holding the items to the van’s roof came loose. What to do? If you’re Matt Fitzwater, you file your human gene pool improvement application with a fatal decision. What decision? You’re going to be impressed:

Authorities say Fitzwater tried to sit on top of the mattresses to hold them down, but he was blown off and hit his head on the pavement. (WSAW-TV)

The official cause of death cites ‘blunt force trauma to the head and neck’, but I have another name for it: stupidity, on steroids.

Ninja Knucklehead
Source: PIG News Wire [04/30/10]

After mapping out his caper, a Canadian desperado concluded that the best way to knock over a Saskatchewan money emporium was to sneak up on it while it was closed. With ‘stealth’ high on his desperado tactics list, our hero went ninja bonkers, by putting on an all black outfit, while arming himself with a curved sword.

Although he cut a dashing figure as a ninja desperado, our hero’s notion of ‘stealth’ needs work:

A Saskatchewan credit union released a video of a suspect dressed all in black and carrying a curved sword who smashed his way in on April 13. The video, from the Synergy Credit Union in Lashburn, Sask., about 35 km southeast of Lloydminster, shows the suspect poking at a banking machine with the sword, unsuccessfully, before smashing his way through a glass door and into the closed credit union.

The suspect is seen skulking around and jumping over the counters until he leaves empty-handed. Then the wannabe robber/ninja smashes his way through another door and leaves the building moments later.

RCMP said the suspect cut himself on one of the glass doors he smashed, even though the door was actually unlocked. (CNEWS)

He robbed a closed credit union with a SWORD? Wow! That resets the bar for DUMB BASTARD.

Iowa Idiocy
Source: Quad City Times [04/28/10]

From our ‘it probably seemed like a good idea’ file, we bring you this adventure in stupidity from America’s heartland. Our hero’s name is Yancy Cochran, a Davenport (Iowa) dude who’s clanging brass nads landed him in the slammer.

Yancy’s header into the justice system’s bull’s-eye began, when he went to the Scott County Courthouse to pay a friend’s bail. How, you ask, could Yancy screw that up? It’s not THAT hard, when you try to slip some funny money past a trained professional:

Scott County criminal court clerk Angelica Kent first spotted the fake bill. She said Cochran gave her $300 worth of $50 bills. When she marked them using a special pen — as she does all $50 and $100 bills she receives — the mark on one of the $50 bills turned black, she said. The mark is supposed to turn golden yellow.

Kent immediately called the Scott County Sheriff’s Department, and Deputy Tara Dinneweth investigated the fake bill. Dinneweth compared all of Cochran’s $50 bills and found two with the same serial number, she said. “At first glance, it looked real,” Dinneweth said. “At closer inspection, it proved to be counterfeit.” (Quad City Times)

You’ll be thrilled to hear that Yancy had an explanation for the bogus bill: "I got it from a local check cashing place." It’s a reasonable excuse, and it might have worked, if the cops refrained from searching Yancy’s digs.

The sheriff’s department searched Cochran’s home and found a printer, scanner and paper used in making counterfeit money, Dinneweth said. Cochran was charged April 23 with forgery, a felony that is punishable by up to five years in prison. (Quad City Times)

Adding insult to injury, Yancy was forced to come up with a real $50 to replace the bogus one. Life is such a bitch, when you’re a Yancy-class moron.

A Dixie Desperado Adventure
Source: Anniston Star [04/28/10]

Up for a night on the town, Roman Salinas, decided to stage a one-man party, at the Bonny Brook Veterinary Clinic in Jacksonville, Alabama. Why there? Why not? It had everything this 18 year old dude needed: a laptop to scope out some porn; ample food in the office refrigerator; a camera to record the choicest porn; a powerful sedative used to knock out large animals.

I don’t know if this adventure was all Roman wanted it to be, and I’m not sure that it matters. His encounter with that animal sedative did achieve one worthwhile goal: it made him very easy to bag, tag, and drag:

When Jacksonville police arrived to investigate a burglary at Bonny Brook Veterinary Clinic Tuesday morning, what they found was a surprise: An 18-year-old man was sleeping soundly under a blanket in the clinic’s break room.

Nearby were two syringes — evidence he’d injected himself with Xylazine, a drug used by vets as a sedative for large animals, according to veterinary assistant Leigh Anne Moody. She reported the break-in to police.

It appeared the man had made himself at home, she said, sampling food from the office refrigerator and watching TV.

“He took one of our laptops and was watching porn and taking pictures of it with our camera,” Moody said. “The laptop was closed at first, and we thought maybe he had been looking up how to take the drugs, but then we opened it, and nope! That’s not what he was doing.” (Anniston Star)

When last seen, Roman was lounging in his graybar suite, still feeling the effects of that powerful animal sedative.

A Southern-Fried Stoner Adventure
Source: Atlanta Journal-Constitution [04/26/10]

Look up ‘begging for it’ and you’ll find a Peach State pinhead’s mug shot. Charles Byrd is not, by any measure, the brightest bulb on the tree. He demonstrated that fact, while he motored down a Gwinnett County byway:

Step 1: While driving along at 10 in the evening, you attract unwanted police attention with your crappy driving.

Step 2: In no mood to exchange pleasantries with members of the DUI task force, you abandon your ride, then make a mad dash for a nearby house.

Step 3: After a brief standoff, you finally give up, enabling the cops to detect the pot farm you’re hiding inside the house.

Step 4: Armed with a search warrant, the cops seize ‘69 marijuana plants in varying stages of maturity, 1,490 grams of processed pot, and marijuana-cultivating equipment’.

Step 5: You’re bagged, tagged, and dragged to a nearby graybar hotel on a laundry list of charges: DUI, driving with an expired tag, assorted minor traffic infractions and possessing weed with intent to sell.

Nice moves, genius.

Amazing Flatliner Adventures
Source: Golden Oinks [04/23/10]

Flaming Idiot
The festivities started, when a New Mexico stoner decided to clean up his act. In this case ‘his act’ denotes a ‘bong’. What’s a bong? My crackpot research team provided this definition:

A bong (also water pipe) is a smoking device, generally used to smoke cannabis, tobacco, or other substances. (Wikipedia)

Initially, the cleaning was accomplished, without any unplanned drama. That all changed, when our hero decided to ‘fire up’ his bong:

Authorities in New Mexico charge Andrew J. Garcia managed to set his mobile home on fire with his bong. According to court documents, Garcia was cleaning his bong with alcohol.

Dona Ana County investigator Lindell Wright says Garcia set his curtains ablaze when he tried to light the alcohol-filled marijuana pipe.

An off-duty deputy spotted Garcia driving away from the burning mobile home and alerted authorities. Police report busting Garcia after a short chase. (ABC Affiliate)

Do you want a bag of Cheetos with that heaping helping of stupidity, stoner Sparky?

What A STUPID Way To Go
The scribblers at an Aussie fishwrap, The Daily Telegraph, call John Peake’s demise ‘a deadly accident’. The FSOP calls it having your human gene pool improvement volunteer application stamped ‘accepted’.

The key components in this HGPI epic are: a steep hill, some unattended wheelie bins (trash cans on wheels), and some drunk as a skunk Aussies seeking adventure. If you see where we’re headed, don’t spoil it for the Obama voters.

John filed his HGPI application, when he climbed into a wheelie bin and decided to ride it down the hill:

TO his mates, John Peake was an "extreme dude" who loved a cold beer and a good laugh. He lived life to the limits and enjoyed surfing or skateboarding whenever he had the chance. So when seven mates lined two wheelie bins up at the top of a steep hill at 3am yesterday after a night of drinking, Peake, 22, was among them.

"He was laughing the whole way down," friend David Gorrel, 21, told The Daily Telegraph. "Our mate, he died laughing."

Peake, of Umina, died when he hit a gutter and slammed headfirst into a tree while riding the wheelie bin 300m down Lone Pine Ave, in Umina Beach, NSW. (Daily Telegraph)

John Peake lived his life on the edge. His untimely demise is what happens, when you keep taunting the fickle Fates to ‘hit me with your best shot’. File this one under ‘be very careful what you ask for’.

An Electrifying Exit Strategy
Source: Daily Mail [04/15/10]

Eager to exit the human gene pool in memorable style, a Brit butthead headed for an EDF Energy electrical substation in Suffolk (J.O.E.). In theory, this 30 year old HGPI volunteer and his partner in larceny, went there to steal some copper wire. In practice, trying to steal a wire that’s packing a 33,000-volt punch catapults you into the fast lane to oblivion.

The 30-year-old man suffered a 33,000-volt electric shock while apparently trying to steal copper cable. An accomplice is believed to have called an ambulance on a mobile phone after the accident at around 11.45pm on Wednesday.

The second man waved down paramedics as they arrived and then fled from the substation in Ransomes Way in Ipswich. Suffolk Police were alerted by ambulance staff and found the man dead inside the substation. Officers found the rear doors of the substation had been forced and tools which had been used to cut metal cables were discarded nearby.

EDG Energy cut off power to thousands of nearby homes and businesses as a safety precaution for around an hour until the body was recovered.

Suffolk Police spokesman Richard Ford appealed for the second man to come forward. He said: 'We want people to stay away from substations like this because of the obvious dangers. Potential burglars are putting their lives at risk if they try and force their way in.' (Daily Mail)

Mark this one ‘BZZZZT’ on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

Kiwi Animal Husbandry
Source: PIG News Wire [04/16/10]

While visiting a local Christchurch (New Zealand) park, the Sumnervale Reserve, on a Thursday afternoon, a teenage Kiwi lad’s hormones reached critical mass. What to do? In our hero’s case, he soon found what he needed to make a complete ass of himself.

A 16-year-old youth has appeared in court charged with bestiality after allegedly having sex with a donkey in Sumner yesterday.

Police arrested the youth after a member of public phoned them after seeing what was happening from their house above the Sumnervale Reserve about 2pm...The youth had allegedly taken the four-year-old donkey into the middle of the reserve, which is about the size of a football field.

The member of public lived in a house above the field and took photos while phoning police.

Other young people were at the reserve at the time, but appeared not to have seen what happened, police said.

Police said the youth could offer no explanation for his actions. (New Zealand Herald)

‘The youth could offer no explanation’? What’s up with that? Am I the only one who didn’t know that the Kiwis don’t have the functional equivalent of "I was severely horny, dude."

Stupid Human Tricks
Source: PIG News Wire [04/09/10]

Devilish Detail Trips Up Buckeye State Butthead
Needing to replenish his drug supply, Donald Dudrow III, fired off a letter to his most trusted drug source: his mom. Leaving nothing to chance, Donny Boy spent quality time in his Port Clinton (Ohio) graybar suite giving mom detailed instructions on how to get the delivery past the guards. A perfect plan? Perhaps, but we’ll never know, because of one of those pesky Devilish Details.

What Devilish Detail? Donny Boy put the wrong Zip Code on his letter:

Ottawa County Sheriff Bob Bratton says the letter was returned to the Port Clinton jail where corrections officers read it along with the other incoming mail.

Donald Dudrow III of Toledo was indicted Thursday on charges of attempted drug trafficking and trying to get drugs into a correctional facility. He already was in jail on a probation violation. (Yahoo News)

Smooth moves, Donny Boy.

Hell No, I Won’t Go
Joseph Velardo is the kind of Einstein who puts the ‘DUH’ in Flori-DUH. Joe’s primary problem is a suitably PIGish one. Someone is pressuring our 28-year old hero to attend law school. Joe doesn’t want any part of that, but for various, unexplained, reasons a simple ‘no’, or a heartfelt ‘bite me’ won’t get the job done. What to do?

After weighing his options, Joe hit upon a plan. If he managed to put a third degree felony rap on his record, he would be - I’m told - ineligible for law school. To qualify for that liberating third-degree felony, Joe needed to steal $300 worth of merchandise. Game, set, match? Not exactly:

Velardo's apparent unsuccessful bid for a felony arrest happened Monday. A manager at a Staples in St. Lucie West told police Velardo swiped about $300 in merchandise and asked that police be called. Velardo said it was more than $300 in goods "and that was a felony so I had to take him to jail," the report states.

Police learned that after entering the store, Velardo tried to take a display computer, activating an alarm. He told an employee he was attempting to unplug the machine and asked whether any similar computers were in stock. Told there were no more in stock, Velardo reportedly walked out with two computer batteries.

"The suspect then came back inside the store and told the employees what he had done and told them to call the police," the report states. "He stated that he stole the merchandise because he wanted a (third) degree felony on his record so he would not be allowed to go to law school."

The items were valued at $276.88. Because the amount was less than $300, the incident is a misdemeanor, a police spokesman said. (WPTV)

In light of two devilish details, I am forced to question Joe’s ‘don’t make me go to law school’ story.

Detail 1: Joe is - believe it or not - currently unemployed.

Detail 2: Joe takes medication for an unspecified "mental disorder".

Was Joe off his meds the day he reached for that third-degree felony brass ring? He says ‘no’, but I’m not buying it, until I hear it from a rational adult.

A Very Wrong Turn
From our ‘sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good’ news desk, PIG News shares this adventure in drunk driving.

The good: It’s 11pm on a Monday night, and you’re not feeling any pain, or anything else, with a blood alcohol level of .14.

The bad: All that adult beverage you ingested makes navigation an ongoing problem. It reaches critical mass, when you drive your pickup truck onto the track at Bremerton MotorSports Park (Washington).

The ugly: Your timing sucks, because, instead of being empty, the race track is packed with cops who are conducting emergency vehicle training.

Jackpot: In a heartbeat - it’s probably a new track record - you’re bagged, tagged, and dragged to the Kitsap County graybar hotel for DUI.

It Seemed Like A Good Idea
Source: Salt Lake Tribune [04/02/10]

The key components of this story are a junked SUV, three Utah dudes with salvage on the mind, an intact gas tank, and blow torch. The idea - removing the gas tank from the junked SUV - was not, in and of itself, fatally flawed. However, as things turned out, the primary removal tool, the aforementioned blowtorch, wasn’t a great choice.

The devilish detail, which tripped them up is the unknown quantity of gas which remained, undetected, in the gas tank. They got a very hot flash from that fun fact, when mister cutting torch decided to party with that gasoline. Faster than you can say ‘fire in the hole’ the gas sprayed all over them, setting them ablaze.

Uintah County sheriff's Lt. John Laursen said two of the men, Kelly Beachum, 24, and Thad Bonner, 23, were rushed by medical helicopter to the Salt Lake City hospital Wednesday afternoon. The third, identified as Brett Bradley, 20, was to be transported to the burn unit Thursday afternoon.

Beachum and Bonner were in critical condition, having suffered second- and third-degree burns over 30 to 60 percent of their bodies. Bradley's condition initially was listed as serious, Laursen said. (Salt Lake Tribune)

Human Gene Pool Improvement? No decision has been made. The HGPI committee is locked in a closed session. I’m sure it’s just an accident that this closed meeting coincides with the arrival of the latest issue of ‘Playboy’.

Stupidity On Parade
Source: Golden Oinks [04/02/10]

Look Before You Leap, Desperado Sparky
Begging for it, by driving on a suspended license, a Buckeye State road warrior, Ricky Flowers, ran into a bad patch of luck. Our 20-year-old hero hit the first speed bump, when a Garfield Heights cop pulled him over.

Unwilling to hang around to exchange painful, self-incriminating, pleasantries, Ricky took off like a scalded mutt, leading the cops on a high speed chase. Eventually, he found himself cornered, so Ricky abandoned his ride, and tried to escape on foot.

His adventure took an unlikely turn, when Ricky scaled a 30-foot high fence and sought refuge from the cops, behind it. In so doing, he jumped out of the police chase frying pan and leaped into the local women’s prison fire. That’s right, PIGsters, he tried to escape by invading a women’s prison. Did he really think the guards wouldn’t notice him?

Nice move, Einstein.

A Memorable Musical Interlude
A Cheeshead’s header into the Lincoln County (Wisconsin) justice system started with a minor road warrior infraction. When it ended the way these epic usually do, our Cheesehead - David Ballard - struck up a catchy country tune from a popular Boob Tube show.

[A] deputy tried to stop the man about 9:30 p.m. when he saw a Dodge pickup traveling on Highway B with no working taillights, police said. The driver, David D. Ballard, 39, sped away when the deputy tried to pull over the truck.

Ballard drove about one mile, then turned onto an all-terrain vehicle trail off Overlook Drive in the town of Harrison where his truck became stuck, said Mark Handlin of the Lincoln County Sheriff’s Department. As he was being arrested, Ballard told the deputy he fled because of “The Dukes of Hazzard” and then launched into the theme song.

“(Ballard) said he just had to try it,” Handlin said, referring to fleeing from police. (Wausau Daily Herald)

The song was a nice touch, but it fell on deaf ears. Without a single music lover on their payroll, Lincoln County justice system officials gave David’s musical interlude a very tough critical review. Instead of a standing ovation, they bagged, tagged, and dragged him to a graybar hotel, for ‘fourth-offense drunken driving and knowingly fleeing an officer’. Everyone’s a critic..."Just some good old boys..."

Excuses, Excuses
Our hero, Thomas Hudnall, needed a break from his job at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables (Flori-DUH). He got a lot more than he asked for, when his clever plan landed Tommy boy in the local graybar hotel. How did he manage that? How indeed?

Coral Gables police said they received a 911 call at 4:51 a.m. According to police the caller said, "There is a bomb at the Biltmore Hotel. ...and death to all Jews," then hung up the phone. Officers went to the hotel and determined the bomb threat was not credible.

Police traced the call to the executive chef's office at the hotel. Authorities said they used surveillance videos to determine 62-year-old Thomas Hudnall had been in the area at the time of the call. Hudnall was arrested, and police said he admitted to making the 911 call.

According to Coral Gables police, Hudnall referred to "Jews" in the 911 call in the hope that the hotel would be evacuated so he could have the day off work. (The Denver Channel)

How the hell did Tommy get to be 62, if this is an example of his critical thinking? It’s Enquiring Minds time, again, in the FSOP.

Stupidity Should Be A Felony
Source: PIG News Wire [03/26/10]

One Final Request
For one rookie, teenage, desperado, there’s a fate much worse than ‘Book ‘em, Dan-o’. This Salt Lake City hormone gorilla is ready to pay the price for his crime, up to a point. What point? I won’t spoil it for you.

It was early on a Saturday morning, when our young hero sauntered into a Salt Lake City Stop ‘n Rob. Eager to avoid early detection, he pretended to shop. After selecting several items, he headed for the cashier’s stand and his adventure in enRICHment.

While the clerk rang up his items, our John Dillenger wannabe made his move. Armed with a knife, he slipped behind the clerk and held his knife to the clerk’s neck. Game, set, match? Not exactly.

Unwilling to play victim, the clerk whirled around, deflected the deadly knife blade, then knocked the rookie desperado on his butt. Having turned the tables, the clerk summoned the cops. That’s when our rookie armed robber made his impassioned request: "Please don’t tell my mom."

Don’t worry about it, dude. She’ll get that thrilling news directly from the justice system authorities, after they finish bagging, tagging, and dragging your loser ass to a graybar suite.

Getting ‘Bagged’ In Fulham (J.O.E.)
When he blundered into a Brit adult beverage emporium, the Elk bar in Fulham (J.O.E.), Mark Jimenez thought he’d hit the jackpot. Due to a going away party, for a minion who worked at a nearby establishment, there was an impressive pile of unattended laptops and bags. The temptation was just too much for him, so Mark rolled those desperado dice, by grabbing a bag.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’d be right, under most circumstances. Normally, a simple grab it and git theft isn’t PIG-worthy. It, is, however, VERY PIG-worthy, when the ‘nearby establishment’ is the Fulham police station and the people attending the going away party are cops, many of whom are in uniform. Stealing a bag when 40 cops are in the room is off the scale stupid.

I can't tell you how many cops it took to bag, tag, and drag this moron. I can tell you they had more than enough to get the job done, without working up a sweat.

Lost And Found
From our ‘begging for it’ news pile, I bring you this true crime adventure from Utah. It started, when dumbass named John White ripped off two cell phones from an Orem Stop ‘n Rob. It got PIGishly fun when, in his haste to flee the scene of the crime, John dropped a slip of paper which had an address on it.

Armed with the address, plus an excellent description of John from the store clerk, a justice system official head out to investigate the address on the paper that John dropped. While he was looking for the address, a motorist flagged him down to ask for directions. Could John be THAT stupid? You better believe it, Sparky:

Police say the officer noticed that John White matched the description a store clerk gave of the thief, and the address White wanted turned out to be the same one the officer was checking. (Yahoo News)

John was bagged, tagged, and dragged to the local graybar hotel, after the officer found the two stolen phones, plus John’s stash of weed. Book ‘em Dan-o.

Dude, You’re Doing It Wrong
This week, a Flori-DUD got his wish, but he did it the hard way. After I lay out the fun facts, you’ll understand why I say that our hero, 25-year-old Sylvester Jiles, is the kind of dolt who puts the ‘DUH’ in Flori-DUH.

Sylvester’s story begins last August, when, due to a plea deal on a manslaughter charge, he was released from his graybar suite. Happy days are here again? Not according to Sylvester who BEGGED the proper authorities to keep him locked up. Why was he resisting his get out of jail free card? Sylvester told the cops that the family of his victim wanted to forcibly evict him from the human gene pool. Were the cops sympathetic? Not exactly.

Unwilling to accept ‘you’re free, get over it’ as the final answer, Sylvester got thrown back in jail the old fashioned way: he EARNED it. A week after laying low on the outside, Sylvester tried to bag, tag, and drag himself:

Authorities say Jiles tried to climb a 12-foot fence at the Brevard County Detention Center in August. He was caught and hospitalized with severe cuts from the barbed wire. (WFLA)

The good news is that Sylvester is back in the slammer. The bad news is that he’ll be there for the next 15 years, ‘for violating his probation by trying to break into the Brevard County jail’. Smooth move, Einstein.

Adventures in Stupidity
Source: PIG News Wire [03/19/10]

Multitasking Meathead
A rain-soaked Great Northwest Nitwit desperado did everything but leave a signed confession for the Kennewick (Washington) cops, after he broke into a local outpost of capitalism. I have no idea what this teenage Einstein expected to find at Bella Office Furniture, when he forced his way inside. I do, however, know what he got for his efforts: bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar hotel.

During his 5 hour stay in the store, Einstein used an office computer to look at porn. He also used the computer to try and sell some stolen items. Finally, in a move that takes MORON to record-shattering levels, Einstein logged into his MySpace account.

Don’t bother booking him, Dan-o. Instead, take him outside and give him a .38 caliber involuntary eviction from the human gene pool.

Location, Location, Location
This week, two Meth-wrangling capitalists came up with a peachy solution to the ubiquitous drug business problem: a suitable, safe, location for their lab. They started off, in grand style, by going mobile, locating their lab inside an SUV. With that pesky issue resolved, they brain-stormed the next dilemma, where to park the vehicle, while they plied their trade.

In the end, they hit upon a plan. They’d park it where the cops would never think to look for it, the parking lot of a Wal-Mart store in Conyers, Georgia. Game, set, match? Not exactly:

A customer noticed a lot of movement going on inside an SUV in the parking lot. Fearing it could be a violent argument, he called 9-1-1. Conyers Police Captain Scott Freeman tells WSB an officer caught up with the vehicle on Old Covington Highway, noticed that the two inside may be under the influence and called for a drug dog.

"The dog that he had alerted on the vehicle for drugs. A subsequent search of that vehicle revealed several different containers which the officers recognized - it was a rolling meth lab. They were actually in the process of making some meth at the time of the stop," said Freeman.

The man and woman, both with outstanding warrants, one for vehicle theft, the other for a probation violation, were charged with manufacturing methamphetamine. (WSB)

They’ll have ample time to rethink their clever plan while they vacation in their graybar hotel suites.

Making An Impression In Nebraska
Headed for a sentencing hearing on a drunk driving offense that resulted in 6 smashed cars plus 3 critically injured people, a drunken Nebraska sot named Jason Botos, should have arrived eager to make a good impression on the judge. I don’t know if the judge was suitably impressed, but you can bet the corn husks he’ll never forget Jason’s legendary arrival.

I know what you’re thinking, and it isn’t that, not exactly. Yes, Jason arrived at the Sarpy County Courthouse gunned to the gills on adult beverages. No, he didn’t make things worse by driving himself. He did, however, arrive so gassed that he couldn’t get out of the car, unassisted, and he was too drunk to appear in court to make his lasting impression on the judge.

Jason Botos, 30, was driven to court by his father and investigators said he was so drunk that he had to be helped inside and wasn't able to make his court appearance. "He was unable to get himself out of the vehicle, he was so intoxicated," said deputy Sarpy County attorney Ben Perlman.

Investigators said Botos' father asked deputies to help carry his son inside the courthouse. (KETV)

Since Jason never made it into the courtroom, he was bagged, tagged, and dragged in the parking lot for - TA DA - ‘failure to appear’. When the deputies hooked Jason up to the drunk-o-meter, he pegged it, racking up an impressive 0.43 which is more than 5 times the legal limit.

Thanks to his drunken antics - drunk driving, failure to appear - Jason is facing a very sobering prospect: 18 months, or more, in a Nebraska graybar hotel.

Pour this drunk into his cell and throw away the key, Dan-o.

Devilish Details Derail Daring Caper
Source: WBBM [03/11/10]

The fun started when our hero, Swifty, sauntered into a transportation emporium, Red Star Auto of Lincoln (Nebraska). After the usual exchange of pleasantries, Swifty asked to take the pickup truck that he liked for a test drive. No harm, no foul? Yes, and no.

I know what you’re thinking but Swifty isn’t THAT brazen. Instead of making off with the pickup truck, he simply took it for a test drive, to the nearest locksmith, where he had a duplicate key made for him. Later, after the dealership closed, Swifty returned, then used his key to steal the pickup truck. Game, set, match? Not exactly.

The devilish detail that derailed Swifty’s caper is the fact that he had to show the dealership some I.D., before his test drive. Since they weren’t born yesterday, and Swifty acted suitably suspicious, the dealer recorded our hero’s name and address.

The day after the heist, the owner of the dealership drove to Swifty’s address and looked around. He found his stolen truck 10 blocks from Swifty’s abode. Armed with that fun fact, the dealership owner got the proper authorities to pay Swifty a visit. When last seen, Swifty was lounging in a Lancaster County graybar hotel suite.

Robbery 101 Grade: FAIL!
Source: Yahoo News [03/07/10]

Since our hero is one of those intellectual flatliners who put the DUH, in Flori-DUH, I’ll simply call him Duh.

Duh’s daring caper started, when he sauntered into a Polk County (Flori-DUH) stop and rob, a Circle K, in this instance. Eager to enrich himself, Duh snatched up some low-hanging fruit, when he ran off with $70 worth of lottery tickets.

We’re not sure how Duh spent the rest of his Sunday, but we’re up to speed on his Monday antics. His day got off to a rousing start, when one of the tickets yielded a $50 prize. Eager to cash in, Duh flouted rule 1 in the desperado handbook, by returning to the scene of his crime to cash in his ticket.

What could possibly go wrong?

When the man went back to the store on Monday to claim the money, a clerk who was aware of the theft asked the man for his driver's license and wrote down the information. The clerk called the authorities, and deputies went to arrest the man. He was charged with retail theft and later released on $250 bail. (Yahoo News)

Forget about booking this fool, Polk County Dan-o. I say you cut humanity’s losses and just shoot this dumb bastard.

Distracted Driver Takes It All Off
Source: PIG News Wire [03/07/10]

It’s not breaking news when a distracted driver’s lack of ‘focus’ causes a two-vehicle crash. It’s still not breaking news, when you find out that this happened in Flori-DUH. What makes this epic PIG-worthy is the nature of the distraction.

Cellidiocy? Nope. Texting? Nope. Reading the paper, etc.? Nope and you’re still ice cold. I’ll give you a hint, it’s a female thing and it involves ‘personal grooming’. BUT, it’s not your ‘been there, seen that’ kind of personal grooming:

Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Trooper Gary Dunick said. "If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it." (Keys News)

As fun as this is, it gets better, because our beaver shaving babe, Megan Barnes, isn’t supposed to be driving and her ride has been banned from the roads:

The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months' probation. (Keys News)

Megan will have ample time to keep her ‘area’ squeaky clean, while she answers a laundry list of charges: driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance.

Stupidity On Parade
Source: PIG News Wire [03/05/10]

Hell No I Won’t Go
A rain-soaked desperado, Darrell Smith, was not looking forward to his court appearance in a Ephrata (Washington) courtroom to answer kidnaping and robbery charges. In fact, as his subsequent antics show, he’d do anything, everything, to avoid it.

I’m here to tell you that Darrell gave it his best shot:

* On his way to the courtroom, he whined about being sick and asked to be returned to his cell.

* On the way back to jail, Darrell made his move and managed to pull free of the deputy, then escaped from custody.

* While racing through town, on foot, he spotted an old grain truck which he managed to liberate for a police chase.

* Moving along at 60 to 65 mph, Darrell led his eager pursuers 20 miles down the road.

* When he arrived at Moses Lake, he decided to test the grain truck’s ‘off roading’ capabilities. For that part of the story, I’ll defer to police Sgt. Ken Jones:

"He left the roadway at full speed," Jones said. "He turned that big old truck into a dune buggy. He made several jumps because of the berms out there on the hill. My estimate is that he was 3 or 3 1/2 feet in the air at times. It was just like Dukes of Hazzard, all four tires in the air. It was crazy."

Jones said he saw the truck, headed directly for a giant hill leading down to the water, duck out of sight. When the deputies reached the top of the hill, they saw the truck parked nearby and Smith about to jump into the water, handcuffs, prison jumpsuit and all.

"He more [sic]collapsed into the water and started to swim," Jones says. "I started yelling, 'It's too far, it's too cold. Come back to the shore.' He wasn't going anywhere. He looked back a few times, and continued his attempt at the doggie paddle."

It became quickly apparent that Smith wasn't going to get very far. About 15 yards offshore, he started to tread water and began to bob up and down, struggling to keep his head above the surface. He started yelling, 'Help, I'm drowning!' " said Jones. (KOMO)

I’m sorry to report that Sgt. Jones and another deputy didn’t let this fool drown. Instead, they stripped down, then swam out to save Daredevil Darrell, a man who was thisclose, to evicting himself from the human gene pool. I HATE IT when that happens.

Flaming Idiocy, Down Under
The Good: A middle-aged man decides to improve the family home by installing foam and cardboard insulation.

The Bad: He lights up a cancer stick, drops it, and sets the house on fire.

The Ugly: The man and his father escape unharmed, but mom got her arm burned, which is a minor concern in her life, after sonny boy burned down the family home.

Just One of Those Days
Our hero is a 29 year old Bremerton (Washington) dude who had the bad luck of attracting unwanted attention at the worst possible time. The fun started, for our hero, a few minutes past 2 in the morning, when a roving, badge packing, killjoy clocked him doing 38 mph in a 25 mph zone. As bad as that is, it gets worse.

With a suitable infusion of adult beverages under his belt, our hero didn’t want, or need, a close encounter with the proper authorities. Not ‘that’ potted - he racked up .10 on the drunk-o-meter, vs. a limit of .08 - he might have eluded a DUI charge, if he’d listened when his passenger told him to put the car in ‘park’.

Not as focused as he should be, our hero didn’t put the car in ‘park’, an oversight which allowed his ride to roll back and hit the cop car. You really didn’t want to go there Sparky, and your response to the cop’s ‘Why did you hit my car?’ question didn’t help. "What?" is not the right answer. In fact that "What?" is the magic word that got you bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar on DUI charges. Nice moves, shit for brains.

Stupidity Is Its Own Reward
Source: PIG News Wire [02/26/10]

Fickle Fates Caught Napping In Connecticut
A Connecticut dude, Jesse Pozvek, road tested his crash test dummy impression, when he smashed up his ride on a Connecticut byway, at 12:30 a.m. on a Sunday. Unwilling to hang around to see how the proper authorities scored his antics, Jesse decided to get out of Dodge, on foot. In the process, he filed an emergency human gene pool improvement volunteer application, but somehow, the Fickle Fates misplaced it. I hate it when that happens.

Authorities say Jesse Pozvek of Naugatuck crashed his car shortly after 12:30 a.m. Sunday and fled into a wooded area, but fell off the cliff and became trapped in a ravine. Police say they found Pozvek a short time after the accident with the help of a tracking dog, but it took two to three hours to get him out of the ravine. Officials say Pozvek suffered a leg injury, complained of back pain and appeared to have the onset of hypothermia. (WCBS)

File this one in your ‘if at first, you don’t succeed’ in your HGPI archives.

Fickle Fates Caught Napping In Indonesia
An Indonesian park ranger, Marcelinus Subanghadir, almost became dinner for one of the critters he wrangles, when it snuck up on him outside his hut on Komodo Island.

Marcelinus Subanghadir was outside his hut on Komodo Island late Monday when a nearly 7-foot-long (more than 2-meter-long) dragon grabbed hold of his right foot, Komodo National Park chief Tamen Sitorus said. The dragon had Subanghadir's foot clamped in its shark-like, serrated teeth until fellow rangers heard his screams and drove it off with wooden clubs, Sitorus said.

Subanghadir, 34, suffered deep lacerations and was recovering at a hospital on nearby Bali. (Yahoo News)

How, exactly, does a 7 feet long ‘dragon’ sneak up on a dude whose job involves wrangling the critters? He was begging for it and, once again, the fickle fates were otherwise engaged, and unable to process this human gene pool improvement volunteer application.

Mark this one "DAMN IT" on your HGPI scorecard.

A Fool With A Tool
Living, as she does, in real winter country (Silver Cliff, Colorado), Alice French probably knows that frozen water pipes go with the territory. When Old Man Winter hit Alice’s trailer home with his best shot, Alice didn’t panic. Instead, due to iced over synapses, she called her idiot son, Brad, then asked if he could unthaw her water pipe.

Could he get ‘er done? You bet, but the price was high. How high? Very! Brad’s tool of choice, a weed burner, made friends with another homeowner malady, a propane gas leak under the trailer. Before you could say, ‘fire in the hole’, mom’s abode was ablaze:

On Feb. 23 authorities were dispatched at 2:30 p.m. to the corner of Butler and Broadway streets for a trailer house on fire.

Jerry Livengood, who is the assistant fire chief for the Wet Mountain Fire Protection District, said when crews arrived on scene the fire was fully involved. “Trailers are difficult to extinguish,” said Livengood. “It took us about 40 minutes to get it under control.”

Livengood said the kitchen area located in the center of the building, as well as the attic, were burning, while much of the rest of the house seemed to remain relatively unscathed. However, said Livengood, “there was significant damage. The fire was in a lot of small interior and exterior places.”

Livengood further noted that while the trailer remains standing, he believes it is no longer habitable. “I believe it is a total loss,” commented Livengood. No cost estimates of damage were available. (Wet Mountain Tribune)

Nice work, dude. Was burning down mom’s trailer the only way to thaw those frozen water pipes?

Going Whole Hogg in Flori-DUH
Armed with a pair of brass nads the size of Saturn, Demorris Hogg decided to roll fate’s dice. With his main squeeze in the local graybar hotel, he plundered his piggy bank, then headed for the Orange County (Florida) Jail. So what? Oh, did I forget to mention that Demorris just happens to be Daytona Beach Police Department’s "most wanted man of the week"? It must have slipped my mind.

No doubt, Demorris hoped the cops were equally forgetful. He should live so long...

Investigators say Hogg had gone to the Orange County Jail to bail his girlfriend out, 19-year-old Cheyanne Sadler.

After Hogg posted the bond, deputies said he was sitting in the lobby and he was recognized as a wanted man. Hogg is wanted in Volusia county on outstanding warrants, and he is the Daytona Beach Police Department's "most wanted man" of the week.

When deputies confronted Hogg, they said he ran right out the front door of the jail lobby and across six lanes of traffic on John Young Parkway just south of Interstate 4, right towards Amayo's store.

"They even shut a corner of the road down," said Amayo.

According to the arrest report, when officers got a hold of Hogg, they said he tried to charge one of them, then kicked-out the windows in a patrol car. The officer noted in the report that he had to pepper spray Hogg. (Fox)

Demorris will be thrilled to know that, despite his asinine antics, his squeeze was released on bond, about the same time he was bagged, tagged, and dragged to his own graybar hotel guest suite.

Adventures In Stupidity
Source: PIG News Wire [02/19/10]

Better Than Breadcrumbs
An Aussie desperado is, by any reasonable standard, a gift who keeps on giving. His name is Andrew Bawden, and he’s a very rare bird, indeed.

Within an hour of being charged and bailed over other break-ins, 36-year-old Andrew Bawden of Bendigo, Victoria was back in business, busting into cars and houses and robbing offices and a cathedral.

But his one-man crime wave came unstuck earlier this month when he dropped his police charge sheet at one crime scene.

Two hours later he dropped the DVD of his police interview at another.

"You get crooks sometimes who leave one thing that's stupid. Both things are extraordinary," Bendigo police Sgt Brendon Murphy said. "From the police perspective it's quite good. We appreciate people who leave this evidence for us." (Courier Mail)

Leaving behind a police charge sheet is out there, but dropping a DVD of your police interview takes dumbass to a whole new level.

Smooth Moves, Swifty
After Old Man Winter hit our hero’s home with his best shot, the homeowner, Swifty, assessed the situation and found one item which bothered him. Old Man Winter’s calling cards - icicles hanging from his home - looked dangerous, so Swifty decided to get rid of them.

How did he do it? Did he use a blunt instrument like a rake, a shovel, a baseball bat, a golf club, or a hammer? Nope. Swifty kicked those crude, but effective, notions to the curb and went to work on those icicles with - TA DA - a blowtorch.

Firefighters were called to the home in the 2200 block of Fairland just before 5:30 p.m. on Feb. 18. When they arrived, they found smoke pouring from the roof of the home.

Firefighters extinguished the blaze, but not before the roof and attic, as well as a new addition to the home, were heavily damaged.

The homeowner told fire officials he was worried family members might be injured by icicles hanging from the roof of his home, so he used a blowtorch to melt them before leaving the home to run errands. "He was concerned about the icicles and the ice causing damage to his home and/or anybody walking under it - his kids or anyone - if they fall," said Lt. Col. Rick Harrison. "Obviously, you want to remove them as safely as you can. Breaking them off is what most people do. Choosing to use a torch to melt them, in hindsight, he probably agrees is not the best idea." (WAVE)

The good news is that he got rid of those icicles. The bad news is that Swifty inflicted heavy damage his home’s roof, attic and a new addition to his abode. Nice going, Einstein.

Bay State Butthead
A denizen of Falmouth (Massachusetts), 23 year old John Yarrington, isn’t the brightest bulb on the tree. In fact, when it comes to stupidity, John is, in some ways, an overachiever. He proved that recently, when he managed an impressive feat. In one memorable afternoon, John was hired as a police informant, was used in a drug sting operation, got paid for his work, got arrested for using the money the cops paid him in another drug deal, got fired as a police informant, then was bagged, tagged and dragged to a graybar suite.

Here’s John’s amazing adventure, as reported by the Cape Cod Times:

"It's a case of the dumb get dumber," Falmouth police Detective Christopher Bartolomei said.

The police said Yarrington contacted them at 1:30 p.m. Tuesday and told them Cory Noonan, 20, was selling large amounts of heroin out of his mother's house on Homestead Lane. An hour later, the police had Yarrington set up a meeting with Noonan to buy a quarter gram of heroin at the corner of Homestead Lane and Route 28.

After waiting for Noonan's mother to leave the house, the police said Yarrington met Noonan and paid him $50 in marked bills for the heroin.

Once the alleged transaction was complete, the police picked up Yarrington in the parking lot of the School Administration Building, where he allegedly handed the police the bag of heroin. Yarrington was searched for excess money or drugs, but the police found none.

The police then warned Yarrington informants cannot use drugs while working, cannot buy drugs while serving as an informant and are not pardoned if caught with drugs at any point.

He was given a $100 bill as payment, the police said.

But minutes later, surveillance teams who were still set up on the Homestead Lane house reported seeing Yarrington walk back to the same spot and meet with Noonan. Investigators allegedly witnessed the pair conduct a second hand-to-hand transaction not authorized by the police and decided to arrest both men at the same time. The police found $80 worth of heroin on Yarrington when they arrested him. (Cape Cod Times)

John will be thrilled to learn that he has a shot at PIG’s Dumbass of the Year for 2010. I’m guessing that he’ll find a way to mess that one up, too.

Stupid Human Tricks
Source: PIG News Wire [02/12/10]

All Dressed Up...
Our hero - Swifty - had it all mapped out, except for one pesky detail. After considering his options, he painted his desperado bull’s-eye on Raiffeisen Bank in Kirchheim, Austria. With that matter settled, he armed himself with a firearm, put on his game face - a Messiah Barry mask - then made his move.

There was just one pesky flaw in his clever plan. Although the bank staff was inside the bank, they weren’t open for business, when Swifty arrived on the scene. They’d closed early for a previously scheduled training session, a training session which didn’t - believe it or not - include Swifty:

"We thought it was part of the training, some sort of initiative test, or a joke. Laughing only seemed to make him more angry," said one worker at the Raiffeisen Bank in Austria.

Although closed, the staff were still in the bank as they were taking part in the after-hours training session.

Police said the Barack Obama raider was about 5ft 7in tall and dressed in a dark jacket with red stripes on its sleeves, dark jeans and dark gloves.

A bank spokesman said: "He wasn't very smart - the bank was robbed both last December and in January this year and we now have really tight security so I doubt if he would have got away with much assuming he had managed to get inside." (Daily Mail)

If you know Swifty, turn the fool in to the proper authorities, before some heavily armed rational adult gives Swifty a high caliber eviction notice from the human gene pool.

Mint Condition in Chile
Issued by Chile’s mint in 2008, the 50-peso coins quickly achieved ‘collector’s item’ status. Why? It’s the kind of ‘oops, my bad’ crap this pagan scribbler perpetrates with depressing regularity: a typo. Normally, I’d be sympathetic, but not this time.

Why? When the name of your country only has 5 letters, you have no valid excuse for misspelling it. They misspelled ‘Chile’? You better believe it Sparky.

The 50-peso coins - worth about 6p - were issued in 2008, but no-one noticed the mistake until late last year, reports the BBC.

Instead of C-H-I-L-E, the coins had C-H-I-I-E stamped on them.

The coins have since become collectors' items and the mint says it has no plans to take them out of circulation.

People have reportedly been hoarding the coins in the hope their value rises.

But the mistake has cost the mint's general manager, Gregorio Iniguez, and several other employees, their jobs.

It is not the first embarrassing blunder at the Chilean mint. Last October, someone there sold a rare medal, which should have been housed in the institution's museum, to a coin collector. (Ananova)

How, exactly, do you say "D’Oh" in Spanish?

A Painful Reality Check
Source: WTMJ [02/05/10]

A 21-year-old Milwaukee (Wisconsin) dude decided to play a prank on mom, when she returned home from shopping on a Thursday night. If all went as planned, they would both enjoy a hearty laugh over it, after she got over her momentary fright. What could possibly go wrong?

He put on a ski mask, confronted her behind their home and pretended to rob her. That's when she pulled out a .357 revolver and fired several times.

Her son was hit at least twice by bullets, one of them to the groin. He is in the hospital this morning, but there is no word on his condition.

Officials say they discovered two guns on the scene of the shooting in the 3700 block of N. 13th Street.

Wow! This fool takes ‘dumb’ to an entirely new level.

Parting shot: Since mom’s fusillade nailed her idiot son in the family jewels, I’m willing to, provisionally, give her Human Gene Pool Improvement credit.

Explosive ‘Watch This’ Idiocy
Source: Golden Oinks [02/05/10]

The hero of our story - Einstein - is, at age 62, old enough to know better. Old enough, or not, this charter member of Michigan’s chapter of the ‘Watch This’ Club is notorious for boldly going where no man in his right mind would go.

This year, he made his bid for Human Gene Pool Improvement glory especially memorable:

Calling to mind any number of Home Improvement episodes, police say a 62-year-old Independence Township man was hospitalized Sunday after strapping a homemade rocket to his back while sledding.

Fox 2 reports the rocket -- a combination of gunpowder, match heads and gasoline stuffed in a motorcycle muffler -- exploded during a downhill ride at a party he hosted.

“Apparently, he has this sledding party every year, and he always does outrageous things at it, but he’s never blown himself up before,” Oakland County Undersheriff Mike McCabe told the Detroit Free Press.

As you might imagine, authorities believe alcohol played a role, but no charges have been filed as the investigation continues. (Mlive)

I’m sorry to report that a certain celestial buttinski invoked his fools and drunks exemption, letting Einstein off with a painful warning: second-degree burns over 18% of his body. Old Ka-Boom strikes again? Yes, dammit.

Name That Crime
Source: Chicago Sun-Times [01/28/10]

We might never know what crime Bernard Oxford had in mind, when some police officers spotted our hero looking into the windows of cars parked on a certain block of Jefferson Street in Joliet (Illinois). I know what you’re thinking, but there are some unresolved issues that make you ask WTF.

"It was suspicious when he was bending down by the cars, so he was questioned and searched," Deputy Chief Mike Trafton said. Inside Oxford's jacket, officers reportedly found "a large knife, a window-punch tool and several pairs of female underwear."

Oxford, of 13410 Brisbin Road in Yorkville, was arrested on a charge of carrying a concealed weapon and released on bond. (Sun-Times)

I can explain away the knife and window-punch, but several pairs of babe undies begs the question: what crime did he have on his agenda? It’s Enquiring Minds time, again, in the PIGdom.

Bold As Brass
Source: Ananova [01/26/10]

Our hero, a hairstylist from the Blight by the Bay, seems an unlikely candidate for a brass nads award. Unlikely or not, Tony Van is a contender for Brass Nads of the Year.

His nads clanging adventure took place at the Marin County (Mexifornia) courthouse, where Tony went to hear a jury’s verdict on the charge that he stole a $125,000 Porsche Carrera:

Step 1: Arrive at the courthouse in a Lexus 4WD.

Step 2: While Tony is in the courtroom, his passengers, 7 Yorkshire terrier puppies, escape from the car.

Step 3: Bystanders notify the deputies about the puppies escape from the Lexus.

Step 4: While rounding up the mutts, a deputy runs the plates on the Lexus through the system and it comes back - TA DA - stolen.

Step 5: When Tony returns to his stolen ride, with keys in hand, he’s bagged, tagged, and dragged into a graybar suit for receiving a stolen vehicle, receiving stolen property, animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle.

Step 6: Tony goes to jail, directly to jail, does not pass ‘GO’, does not collect $200, but he DOES get to meet an aggressively friendly inmate named Bubba.

Human Gene Pool Improvement, Down Under
Source: News.com.au [01/23/10]

He was, at age 14, old enough to know better, but he did it anyway, and sealed his own fate. The key components of this HGPI drama are a jetty on the Derwent River (Tasmania), a home-made ramp on the jetty, a bicycle, and one aspiring daredevil who decided to tether his bike to his leg, so he wouldn’t lose it.

He mounted his bike. He rode like the wind. He peddled up the ramp. He soared, briefly, like an eagle. He splashed down. He drowned, when the bike tethered to his leg acted like an anchor.

Don’t try this one at home, hormone gorilla Sparky.

Don’t Try This At Home
Source: PIG News Wire [01/22/10]

A Fabulous Flori-DUD Feat
It happened on Christmas Day, while a Flori-DUD, a dude named Charles Johnson, was in the left turn lane, waiting for the light to change. Apparently, Chuck had a very full agenda, so he wasn’t in the mood to wait for the red light to ‘evolve’ to a user-friendly green.

Would he, could he, run that red light? He would and could, but that’s not the right question.

What we really need to know is this: would he, could he, run that red light while a marked Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Department cruiser was right behind him? Chuck would. Chuck could. Chuck did, but the fun didn’t end there.

Keep in mind that he was alone in the car, when you read 'the rest of the story':

The deputy initiated a traffic stop and found the driver, 40-year-old Charles Jesse Johnson of Perry, in the back seat. He had jumped in there when the vehicle came to a stop, according to his arrest report.

The deputy checked the man's driving history and found out that his license had been revoked in June, and that he also had seven other suspensions and four other revocations.

He was charged with driving with a revoked license as a habitual traffic offender. (NWF Daily News)

You’re driving on a revoked license when you run a red light right in front of a cop? WOW! That’s off the scale stupid.

Crash Test Dummy
A Syracuse (New York, DUH) denizen, Derrick Pride, had one of those days, and lived to tell tale. It was, to put it bluntly, one damn thing after another.

Thing 1: After a suitable infusion of adult beverage, Derrick was grabbing a bit of fresh air on a street corner, when somebody shot him.

Thing 2: Still alive and kicking, Derrick got into his ride and headed for the hospital. Eager to make life thrilling, for other motorists, Derrick drove against traffic, on the wrong side of the road.

Thing 3: When he arrived at an intersection, Derrick, strutted his crash test dummy stuff, by smashing into another car.

Thing 4: The proper authorities made sure Derrick got to the hospital, where our hero’s wounds were deemed non life-threatening. No doubt that news pleased Derrick, who needed a lift, after the humor challenged justice system officials nailed him for DUI.

Putting A New Spin On Two-Time Loser
One of King’s Buckeye State homeboys isn’t exactly the brightest bulb on the desperado tree. In fact, our hero, Swifty, is in the running for that coveted, poster punk of ineptitude slot.

Swifty’s crime spree, such as it was, started, when he sauntered into a Hamilton (Ohio) Subway Restaurant, with his game face on. Leaping into action, Swifty jumped onto the counter and tried to steal the cash register. His clever plan was foiled, when the clerk pushed Swifty off the counter, prompting our hero to get out of Dodge.

Taking the setback in stride, Swifty tried again, 30 minutes later, at a Hamilton Family Dollar Store. This time Swifty kicked it up a notch, by displaying the outline of a gun against his jacket. Game, set, match? Yes, and no.

Yes: Swifty gained unrestricted access to the cash register. No: Swifty was unable to open the cash register and left empty handed.

If you know Swifty, turn his sorry ass in to the Hamilton police, before somebody puts this loser out of our misery.

Smooth Move, Einstein
Source: WBBM [01/15/10]

Unwilling to face the music for violating the conditions of his bond, one of Messiah Barry’s Land of Lincoln homeboys, 19 year old Travis Copeland, decided to forego the ‘go to jail, go directly to jail’ formalities. Eager to get out of Dodge, he raced out of the Lake County felony courtroom, in a headlong dash for freedom.

While running down the courthouse skyway that crosses over Washington street, Travis borrowed a page from those thrill a minute action movies. How? With armed and pissed Lake County sheriff’s deputies closing in on him, Travis slammed into the glass of a second story window with his shoulder. Sad story dude, they’ve seen the movies too, and nipped that escape maneuver in the bud with reinforced windows.

Rebagged, retagged, and redragged, Travis was persuaded to go face the music, but I doubt that he likes the tune, now that he’s being held in lieu of $1.5 million in bond money. Already on the hook for disorderly conduct and aggravated battery of an officer, Travis is destined to be hit with ‘additional charges’ for his mad dash from justice.

Stupid Human Tricks
Source: Golden Oinks [01/15/10]

Southern-Fried Stupidity
By the time the smoke blew away and the embers stopped glowing, a southern-fried flaming idiot had inflicted $150,000 worth of damage on his Charlotte (North Carolina) home. How did he manage it? It was child’s play, but even a tyke would know better.

Feeling that Globally Warmed chill in the air, our hero decided to warm things up with a fire in the fireplace. When the fire refused to cooperate, our hero decided to ‘kick it up’ several notches, by using an accelerant to get the job done, in a timely manner. As ideas go, this one turbo sucked.

After dousing the ensuing inferno, Charlotte Fire Department Capt. Rob Brisley unleashed a front runner for understatement of the year: “The male occupant made a very poor decision using gasoline.”

‘A very poor decision’? You bet, but it’s also stupidity on steroids.

A Mexas Meathead Adventure
From our ‘when things go wrong’ news desk, we bring you this amazing tale of criminal ineptitude.

Step 1: Arrive at the scene of the intended crime, Camillo’s Fine Jewelry in Conroe, Mexas.

Step 2: While the getaway driver waits in the 1998 Chevy Lumina, the other three get down to business.

Step 3: Lookout Lunkhead muffs the alarm disarming process, but doesn’t know it.

Step 4: While Lookout Lunkhead falls into a quasi coma, the two primary robbers, enter the store, setting off a silent alarm.

Step 5: Lookout Lunkhead is so ‘observant’ that he never spots the Conroe cops until they bag, tag, and drag him to jail.

Step 6: Conroe cops flush the two robbers from the store, making them an offer they can’t refuse.

Step 7: Conroe cops make it a clean sweep, when they find the getaway driver sound asleep at the wheel of the getaway ride.

Parting shot: Even in this era of double-digit unemployment, good help is still hard to find.

Stampeding Stupidity: Criminal & Generic
Source: PIG News Wire [01/08/10]

Sacked In Sacramento
For a trio of Mexifornia desperados, Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest, their robbery caper was just one damn thing after another. For starters, they bungled the robbery so badly that they attracted the unwanted attention of Sacramento County sheriff’s deputies, who quickly collared Dumbest (Jamario Hill) at the scene of the attempted residential robbery.

Much faster than their captured cohort, Dumb and Dumber led the forces of justice on a foot chase. Eager to elude their relentless pursuers, Dumb and Dumber headed for the Foothill High campus, an ill-advised move which led them to the football field. Once again, Lady Lucky gave them the cold shoulder, when the pair ran into one of the teams practicing for the annual football game between firefighters and cops: the Pig Bowl.

Which team was practicing? It wasn’t the firefighters.

‘...[Sheriff’s Sgt. Tim] Curran said members of the team - composed mainly of sheriff's deputies - ditched their pigskin and joined in the chase, eventually dog piling 19-year-old James Hill Jr. just off the field. One deputy threw a pair of handcuffs into the pile and another locked them in place.

Meanwhile, the offensive line chased down the other suspect, a 17-year-old boy, and took him into custody elsewhere on campus, Curran said...’ (Sacramento Bee)

If it wasn’t for bad luck, Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest wouldn’t have any luck at all. Book ‘em Dan-o.

Hosed Down In Indy
‘Armed’ with a water hose nozzle which made an appropriate-shaped bulge in his pocket, an Indiana loser named Dustin Abney headed for a local CVS pharmacy, where he planned to score some money and/or some pills. His plan, such as it was, didn’t get Dustin what he wanted, but it did get him what he really needed, a suite in the Marion County graybar hotel:

A police report said Abney approached an employee who was taking a smoking break outside the store, announced he was going to rob the business and asked whether the employee wanted any money or pills. The employee went inside and called 911.

The report said Abney returned to the store a few minutes later with his hand in a sweatshirt pocket, ordered the store worker to the pharmacy counter and pulled out a list of prescription drugs he wanted. Police arrived before he could leave the store. (Indy Star)

Book this loser, Dan-o.

Any Hole Will Do
Having reached the ripe old age of 40, a Brit horndog, whose name has been withheld for OBVIOUS reasons, was, theoretically, old enough to know better. In practice, he couldn’t resist the Siren song of that terminally slutty steel pipe.

He tried to be strong, but that sexy steel pipe was just too tempting, so he unleashed his wang, shoved it into the pipe and got stuck. This puts a whole new spin on the venerable ‘steel trap’.

Like so many troublesome things, it was much easier getting it in, than getting it out again:

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect. Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a 'delicate operation'. The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day. (Metro.UK)

You shouldn’t be gobsmacked to hear that our pipe-loving pinhead refuses to discuss how, exactly, his wang got stuck in that pipe. Don’t sweat it, dude, I think we’ve all got the big picture on that one.

Stupidity is Its Own Reward
Source: PIG News Wire [12/31/09]

Feeling Fuelish In Renton
This adventure in stampeding stupidity started, when our hero, Einstein, stole a 1985 Chevy truck from the City Transfer yard early on a Monday morning. A perfect crime? Not exactly.

Step 1: Steal a 1985 Chevy truck from the City Transfer yard in Renton, Washington.

Step 2: With the fuel gauge hovering on empty, you pump some gas into the truck.

Step 3: Your luck takes a nasty turn, when the stolen truck craps out, and someone reports seeing you and your stolen ride on the shoulder of State Route 167 in Renton, Washington.

Step 4: Unaware that you’re on borrowed time, you call 911 to whine that your ride is out of gas.

Step 5: When the proper authorities arrive, you try to pretend that you’re a City Transfer worker, by putting on the florescent vest you found in the truck.

Step 6: After you’re bagged, tagged, and dragged to a waiting cell, the proper authorities explain that the truck you stole is a diesel, which requires - DUH - diesel fuel. It won’t run on that standard issue unleaded gas you pumped into the tank.

Step 7: While lounging in your graybar guest suite, you rethink your career. Next time, you’ll go for low tech transportation like a bicycle, preferably one equipped with training wheels.

Chicken-Brained in J.O.E.
A Brit desperado’s chicken caper started off as planned, when he entered a Southern Fried Chicken franchise in Colchester, Essex (J.O.E.), brandished his weapon - an airgun - and demanded an instant cash infusion. With his primary objective accomplished, he decided to reward himself with a ‘Hunga Busta Meal’. Mission accomplished? Not exactly, because what followed is a real jaw-dropper: He stayed there to eat his meal!

An Essex police source said: "We've come across some stupid criminals in our time but this beats all. Normal practice is to grab the cash and run. But this man was obviously controlled by his belly rather than his brain. After running in with a hoodie and scarf hiding his face, he took them both off to stuff his face with chicken. The staff he'd just waved a gun at were gobsmacked. He sat there eating for 20 minutes so they had tons of time to dial 999. Staff thought it was a bizarre TV stunt." (The Sun)

I guess the moral here is that you should never rob an eatery on an empty stomach.

Failure 101
We’ll give our hero, Einstein, partial credit for ‘casing the joint’, since he did spend some quality time in MacEnzi’s Bar and Grill in Linn County, Oregon. So far, so good, but we’re compelled to deduct points, due to the timing interval between the ‘casing’ and the robbery. Why? Even in a place where an alcoholic fog is SOP, 25 MINUTES isn’t long enough to make your robbery victim forget all about you. Did I say 25 minutes? You better believe it, what's your hurry, Sparky:

Sheriff Tim Mueller of Linn County said the man had been drinking at MacEnzi's Bar and Grill on Saturday. He left around 10 p.m., but came back about 25 minutes later with a beanie pulled over his face. He allegedly grabbed a bank bag, pushed the bartender and fled.

The bartender recognized the man, who was arrested less than two hours later. The 54-year-old was booked into the Linn County Jail on a charge of third-degree robbery. (Yahoo News)

Don’t bother booking him, Dan-o. You should take him out behind the jail and shoot him.

Mind-Altered States
Source: PIG News Wire [12/25/09]

Gassed, Down Under
This alcohol-fueled adventure began, when Northern Territory (Australia) police received a report of an erratic driver. It reached new heights, when the proper authorities arrived on the scene and discovered, to their relief, that a citizen had already stopped the road warrior and impounded the car keys. So what? So plenty.

A TERRITORY man has been arrested for allegedly driving while almost clinically dead after an enormous booze binge. NT Police struggled to find the words after the 32-year-old man allegedly returned a blood alcohol reading of .385 per cent - or nearly eight times the legal limit. Medical experts say a person can die from alcohol poisoning with a reading of .4 or above.

Territory Duty Superintendent Michael Murphy said it was one of the highest readings taken in the Territory. "It's just ridiculous," he said.

Police yesterday estimated they would have to give the Katherine man 20 hours to sober up in his cell before he was capable of understanding the charges he was facing. (Northern Territory News)

He rang the Drunk-O-Meter bell at .385? Move over ‘drunk as a skunk’, because we need a new metaphor. For those who obsess on such things, here are some ‘how drunk was he’ particulars, as reported by Acting Sergeant Ryan Watkinson:

"(The driver) was just standing there waiting for us - I think he was a bit too far gone to offer any resistance," he said. "He was having trouble standing ... he was speaking but it was extremely slurred and hard to understand - he didn't fully comprehend what was going on." Acting Sgt Watkinson said it was believed the man had been sitting in a vacant lot in Cameron St revving his engine, and there were also skid marks around the vehicle. (Northern Territory News)

Obviously, our new metaphor won’t include ‘drunk on his ass’, but, ‘DEAD’ drunk is still in play.

Fried On Firewater In Fairbanks
Two of Sarah Palin’s fellow Alaskans, Joshua Williamson and David Stepp, began their Christmas season adventure, by getting gassed to the gills on adult beverages. After ingesting a suitable quantity, the pair took their show on the road, in Joshua’s GMC truck. Predictably, the trip was not uneventful.

First, Joshua found steering his ride problematic, prompting him to drive off the road and get stuck. D’oh? Yup, but help was close at hand.

Next, David exited Joshua’s ride, then headed home to get his own truck. When he returned and tried to tow Joshua’s truck back on the road, David got his own truck stuck in the ditch, next to Joshua's GMC. D’oh? Yup, but help was close at hand.

Relentlessly resourceful, David headed for his workplace, where he found what he needed, the company’s forklift. It was a nifty notion, but, by the time David arrived at that truck swallowing ditch, the proper authorities were on the scene to nail both of our Fairbanks’ fatheads for DUI.

Bagged, tagged, and dragged? You better believe it, good luck explaining your forklift folly to your boss, Sparky.

Beatdown In Brooklyn
Source: New York Daily News [12/23/09]

A Crown Heights (NY) gas station manager, Nick Ali, had the right, crimestopper, stuff when he needed it. It was business as ususal at the Gulf station, until Nick spotted Martin Slydorthy stuffing cell phone chargers into a bag. Unwilling to tolerate that, Nick went crimebuster bonkers:

"I came out of the booth. Usually that's a bad idea," said Ali, 38, of Brooklyn.

But Ali's bad idea was bad news for Syldorthy, who got a tongue-lashing - and then a beating - from the courageous clerk. "I'm busting my a-- here 18 hours a day so you can rob me?" Ali recalled barking at the bandit.

Ali said he pounced on Syldorthy as he reached into his pocket, fearing he was packing heat. A wild struggle ensued. Syldorthy tried to get at the cash register, but the 6-foot-3 Ali gave him a run for his money. "He tried to get into the booth," Ali said. "I pushed him back."

Ali eventually got the upper hand and beat Syldorthy to the cashier's-booth entrance. Ali said he shoved Syldorthy back and quickly entered the booth and slammed the door shut. He then hit the panic button - which locked all entrances to the convenience store - and called 911. "I hit a button and locked him in," Ali said. "That's why it's called a trapdoor!" (Daily News)

Eager to get the hell out of Dodge, the trapped desperado tried to kick his way through the glass. The glass shattered, but it held together long enough for the proper authorities to make Martin Slydorthy an offer he couldn’t refuse. Book this fool, Dan-o.

Human Gene Pool Improvement Thwarted
Source: Canadian Press [12/17/09]

After spending some quality time ingesting adult beverages in Wetaskiwin (Alberta, Cana-DUH), Jonathan Hambler found himself on the wrong side of town, after walking his intoxicated friend home. The distance wasn’t a problem, under normal circumstances, but with the temperature hovering at -4 F, Jonathan wanted/needed a quicker way home.

While he was mulling his options, fate intervened, when it directed Jonathan’s attention to a slow moving freight train. Since it was headed his way, towards his home, he hopped aboard, a decision that nearly got him killed:

"I just wanted to get across town a little quicker than walking," he said Wednesday of his decision to hop on a slow-moving freight train to get home a couple of dozen blocks away. "I was going to jump off real soon, and I thought, 'give it a couple more seconds, it might slow down.' But it just kept going faster."

Hambler said when the train began to pick up speed, he didn't know at first what to think. He admits he had a pretty good buzz going and was "just kind of lost."

But once the train left town, reality started to sink in fast. "This is pretty serious," he recalled thinking. "It started scaring me when I started getting a little cold."

Hambler was ill-prepared for the ride, which reached speeds of 90 kilometres an hour. He was wearing no gloves, thin pants, sneakers and a winter jacket. Perched between cars, he was at the mercy of the wind and the bitter cold.

Luckily, he had the one thing that could save him, his cell phone. "As soon as it started getting colder, I just called 911," he said. "I was kinda hoping it would work, because my phone was dying at the time." (Canadian Press)

Thanks to some quick thinking by the RCMP, the proper authorities were able to reduce the number of likely trains to an acceptable 2. They had each train’s crew sound their horns, at different times. When Jonathan heard his train’s horn, he reported it. That allowed the proper authorities just enough time to thwart Darwin, by saving Jonathan from the hypothermia which already had him in its icy grips.

It sounds like Jonathan qualified for both categories of Old Ka-Boom’s fools and drunks exemption. Bummer...double bummer.

Fabulous Flatliner Follies
Source: PIG News Wire [12/11/09]

Dressed For Success
A New Jersey dude, with the classically American name, Tita Nyambi, needed a money infusion in the worst way. After exploring his options, he hit upon his can’t miss plan. He could put on mom’s pink blouse, her black coat and a head scarf, grab her driver’s license, then liberate mom’s money from the Franklin (New Jersey) Chase Bank branch. What could possibly go wrong?

Monday afternoon. Tellers called to report that a man wearing women's clothes and speaking in a high pitched voice was trying to withdraw money through the bank's drive-through window. Police said Nyambi handed tellers his mother's license and a bank form forged with her signature. Nyambi was arrested and charged with forgery and attempted theft by deception. (Yahoo News)

Tita, dude, leave the cross-dressing to the professionals, like RuPaul, Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopie Goldberg.

Smooth Moves, Windy City Sparky
Our hero’s name is George Floyd. He managed to survive to the ripe old age of 17, somehow, without mastering the fine art of critical thinking. George strutted his dumber than a box of rocks stuff on a cold Sunday night, when he needed a suitable alternative to walking home in the cold. What to do?

Step 1: You sucker punch a woman, evict her from her van and take off in it.

Step 2: You lead local police on a high speed chase on south Chicago’s highways and byways.

Step 3: You manage to elude the cops, a couple times, then seal your fate, by doing a header into a parked car.

Step 4: You get the thrilling news, from the arresting officers, that the woman you carjacked and assaulted is - TA DA - an off duty police officer.

Step 5: You go to jail...you go directly to jail, where you will have ample time to wonder if walking home in the cold is REALLY worse than vehicular hijacking, aggravated battery to a peace officer and aggravated fleeing, all of which are - TA DA - felonies.

Normally, people grow wiser as they age, but I have a hunch that Georgie is the exception to that rule.

Begging For It, In Arizona
The vital elements in this electrifying human gene pool improvement adventure are a 400 foot tall cell tower in Pinal County (Arizona), a base jumping jughead named Darrell Dunafon, and some strategically high voltage power lines. As usual, if you see where this one is headed, please don’t spoil it for the PIG News rookies.

The fun reached critical mass, when Darrell and two of his base jumping cohorts broke into a cell tower on a Friday night. Apparently, Darrell thought he could elude the fickle fates, by filing his human gene pool improvement volunteer application under the cover of darkness. Nice try, but no cigar, dude.

Darrell got the thrilling "application accepted" news, immediately after he took his leap of faith at the wrong time, in the wrong place, then had a deadly "you’ve just been deselected, Sparky" encounter with 12,000 volt power lines. Faster than I can type BZZZT, that high voltage turned 23 year old Darrell extra crispy.

Base jumping: dumb.

Base jumping at night: dumber.

Base jumping at night near high voltage lines: kiss your ass goodbye, moron.

Stupidity Ought To Be A Crime
Source: PIG News Wire [12/04/09]

Off On The Wrong Foot In J.O.E.
One of the recurring job search mantras urges job seekers to get off on the right foot, when they’re visiting a prospective employer. Our hero, a job-seeking Brit teenager found out, the hard way, how important it is to make a good, first impression, after he entered a JJB sports store, looking for a job.

He started off in grand style, when he asked for an application. He was still on a solid footing, when he filled out the application, which included his name and address. His job seeking adventure seemed to be going swimmingly, up to that point.

His fate at JJB was sealed, when, after trying on a pair of tracksuits in the fitting room, he tried to sneak them out of the store, without bothering to pay for them. He almost made it, but alert store clerks detected his shoplifting exploits, and notified the proper authorities.

Armed with the information which this walking Brit brainfart provided on the job application, the Aberdeen police didn’t have any trouble bagging, tagging, and dragging this moron to a local graybar hotel suite. Don’t hold your breath waiting for JJB to schedule a job interview, intellectual flatliner Sparky.

The Tomahawk Chop Makes Landfall Down Under
The fun started, when two Aussie desperados entered a Gold Coast bottle shop (a liquor store, more or less) with armed robbery on their agenda. Determined to show that they meant business, one of the men tried to intimidate one of the store’s male employees, by brandishing a tomahawk. Did this Down Under spin on the legendary tomahawk chop get the job done? Not exactly.

Refusing to play along, the intended victim trumped the tomahawk, by snatching up a stool. Unwilling to press their luck, the two desperados beat a hasty retreat. Don’t quit your day jobs, dudes.

Blame It On Barry
When a pair of Crestview (Flori-DUH) young ‘uns returned home with a friend, they heard the shower running and guessed it had to be dear old dad. When one of them went to give ‘dad’ a ‘we’re home, dude’ heads up, he got an unexpected shock. The man in the shower, Donald May, was not dear old dad, but a stranger, who wasn’t thrilled spitless to have his shower interrupted:

“The male in the shower stated ‘Obama let him in’” and told the boy to “get out,” [according to a police report]. The children ran to a neighbor’s house and called police. When they arrived May was still in the house with nothing on but a “towel wrapped around his lower body,” the report states. May declined to comment when interrogated by police other than to say, “The Yellow Brick Road brought him to Crestview,” according to the report. (Northwest Florida Daily News)

In short order, Barry’s shower pal, Donnie, was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar, AGAIN. Again? Yup. Three days before his great shower adventure, Donnie got busted for trespassing and failure to leave a property. He was kicked loose from the Okaloosa County Jail, two hours before he gave the young ‘uns a thrill.

Since he’s charged with felony burglary of an occupied dwelling, plus, petty theft, Donnie will be forced to share a shower with the other dudes on the old cell block. Hopefully, they’ll be suitably impressed by his Barry inventive excuses.

Cape Cod Chowderhead
The hilarity hit high gear, when a walking, Bay State, brainfart found ‘it’ on a Massachusetts beach, south of Aunt Lydia’s Cove. Ignoring that the "Do Not Handle" warning on his ‘treasure’, this unsupervised Einstein took the unexploded U.S. Navy flare home with him.

How did Einstein get the large flare - 2 feet long and 4 inches in diameter - home? You’re going to be thrilled:

"The lesson to the public is when it's marked 'Do Not Handle,' don't put a rope on it and drag it to your house," [Chatham fire Capt. Roy] Eldridge said.

Where were those fickle fates, when Einstein filed his emergency human gene pool improvement volunteer application? I haven’t got a clue. I do know that, once he got home, Einstein had an unscheduled synaptic firing which made him share news of his find with the U.S. Coast Guard. Suitably thrilled, the Coast Guard immediately notified the local fire department that some moron was playing a very dangerous game. Dangerous? You bet:

[T]he flare contained phosphorous, a very volatile substance that can ignite when exposed to air and can cause severe burns when in contact with skin. (Cape Cod Times)

Although he begged for a Darwinian Deselection, human gene pool improvement was thwarted, by the local bomb squad which separated Einstein from his toy. Those spoilsports took it to a local land fill where they used explosives to destroy the ordinance.

 

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