Devilish Details Derail Daring Caper
Source: WBBM [03/11/10]

The fun started when our hero, Swifty, sauntered into a transportation emporium, Red Star Auto of Lincoln (Nebraska). After the usual exchange of pleasantries, Swifty asked to take the pickup truck that he liked for a test drive. No harm, no foul? Yes, and no.

I know what you’re thinking but Swifty isn’t THAT brazen. Instead of making off with the pickup truck, he simply took it for a test drive, to the nearest locksmith, where he had a duplicate key made for him. Later, after the dealership closed, Swifty returned, then used his key to steal the pickup truck. Game, set, match? Not exactly.

The devilish detail that derailed Swifty’s caper is the fact that he had to show the dealership some I.D., before his test drive. Since they weren’t born yesterday, and Swifty acted suitably suspicious, the dealer recorded our hero’s name and address.

The day after the heist, the owner of the dealership drove to Swifty’s address and looked around. He found his stolen truck 10 blocks from Swifty’s abode. Armed with that fun fact, the dealership owner got the proper authorities to pay Swifty a visit. When last seen, Swifty was lounging in a Lancaster County graybar hotel suite.

Robbery 101 Grade: FAIL!
Source: Yahoo News [03/07/10]

Since our hero is one of those intellectual flatliners who put the DUH, in Flori-DUH, I’ll simply call him Duh.

Duh’s daring caper started, when he sauntered into a Polk County (Flori-DUH) stop and rob, a Circle K, in this instance. Eager to enrich himself, Duh snatched up some low-hanging fruit, when he ran off with $70 worth of lottery tickets.

We’re not sure how Duh spent the rest of his Sunday, but we’re up to speed on his Monday antics. His day got off to a rousing start, when one of the tickets yielded a $50 prize. Eager to cash in, Duh flouted rule 1 in the desperado handbook, by returning to the scene of his crime to cash in his ticket.

What could possibly go wrong?

When the man went back to the store on Monday to claim the money, a clerk who was aware of the theft asked the man for his driver's license and wrote down the information. The clerk called the authorities, and deputies went to arrest the man. He was charged with retail theft and later released on $250 bail. (Yahoo News)

Forget about booking this fool, Polk County Dan-o. I say you cut humanity’s losses and just shoot this dumb bastard.

Distracted Driver Takes It All Off
Source: PIG News Wire [03/07/10]

It’s not breaking news when a distracted driver’s lack of ‘focus’ causes a two-vehicle crash. It’s still not breaking news, when you find out that this happened in Flori-DUH. What makes this epic PIG-worthy is the nature of the distraction.

Cellidiocy? Nope. Texting? Nope. Reading the paper, etc.? Nope and you’re still ice cold. I’ll give you a hint, it’s a female thing and it involves ‘personal grooming’. BUT, it’s not your ‘been there, seen that’ kind of personal grooming:

Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Trooper Gary Dunick said. "If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it." (Keys News)

As fun as this is, it gets better, because our beaver shaving babe, Megan Barnes, isn’t supposed to be driving and her ride has been banned from the roads:

The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months' probation. (Keys News)

Megan will have ample time to keep her ‘area’ squeaky clean, while she answers a laundry list of charges: driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance.

Stupidity On Parade
Source: PIG News Wire [03/05/10]

Hell No I Won’t Go
A rain-soaked desperado, Darrell Smith, was not looking forward to his court appearance in a Ephrata (Washington) courtroom to answer kidnaping and robbery charges. In fact, as his subsequent antics show, he’d do anything, everything, to avoid it.

I’m here to tell you that Darrell gave it his best shot:

* On his way to the courtroom, he whined about being sick and asked to be returned to his cell.

* On the way back to jail, Darrell made his move and managed to pull free of the deputy, then escaped from custody.

* While racing through town, on foot, he spotted an old grain truck which he managed to liberate for a police chase.

* Moving along at 60 to 65 mph, Darrell led his eager pursuers 20 miles down the road.

* When he arrived at Moses Lake, he decided to test the grain truck’s ‘off roading’ capabilities. For that part of the story, I’ll defer to police Sgt. Ken Jones:

"He left the roadway at full speed," Jones said. "He turned that big old truck into a dune buggy. He made several jumps because of the berms out there on the hill. My estimate is that he was 3 or 3 1/2 feet in the air at times. It was just like Dukes of Hazzard, all four tires in the air. It was crazy."

Jones said he saw the truck, headed directly for a giant hill leading down to the water, duck out of sight. When the deputies reached the top of the hill, they saw the truck parked nearby and Smith about to jump into the water, handcuffs, prison jumpsuit and all.

"He more [sic]collapsed into the water and started to swim," Jones says. "I started yelling, 'It's too far, it's too cold. Come back to the shore.' He wasn't going anywhere. He looked back a few times, and continued his attempt at the doggie paddle."

It became quickly apparent that Smith wasn't going to get very far. About 15 yards offshore, he started to tread water and began to bob up and down, struggling to keep his head above the surface. He started yelling, 'Help, I'm drowning!' " said Jones. (KOMO)

I’m sorry to report that Sgt. Jones and another deputy didn’t let this fool drown. Instead, they stripped down, then swam out to save Daredevil Darrell, a man who was thisclose, to evicting himself from the human gene pool. I HATE IT when that happens.

Flaming Idiocy, Down Under
The Good: A middle-aged man decides to improve the family home by installing foam and cardboard insulation.

The Bad: He lights up a cancer stick, drops it, and sets the house on fire.

The Ugly: The man and his father escape unharmed, but mom got her arm burned, which is a minor concern in her life, after sonny boy burned down the family home.

Just One of Those Days
Our hero is a 29 year old Bremerton (Washington) dude who had the bad luck of attracting unwanted attention at the worst possible time. The fun started, for our hero, a few minutes past 2 in the morning, when a roving, badge packing, killjoy clocked him doing 38 mph in a 25 mph zone. As bad as that is, it gets worse.

With a suitable infusion of adult beverages under his belt, our hero didn’t want, or need, a close encounter with the proper authorities. Not ‘that’ potted - he racked up .10 on the drunk-o-meter, vs. a limit of .08 - he might have eluded a DUI charge, if he’d listened when his passenger told him to put the car in ‘park’.

Not as focused as he should be, our hero didn’t put the car in ‘park’, an oversight which allowed his ride to roll back and hit the cop car. You really didn’t want to go there Sparky, and your response to the cop’s ‘Why did you hit my car?’ question didn’t help. "What?" is not the right answer. In fact that "What?" is the magic word that got you bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar on DUI charges. Nice moves, shit for brains.

Stupidity Is Its Own Reward
Source: PIG News Wire [02/26/10]

Fickle Fates Caught Napping In Connecticut
A Connecticut dude, Jesse Pozvek, road tested his crash test dummy impression, when he smashed up his ride on a Connecticut byway, at 12:30 a.m. on a Sunday. Unwilling to hang around to see how the proper authorities scored his antics, Jesse decided to get out of Dodge, on foot. In the process, he filed an emergency human gene pool improvement volunteer application, but somehow, the Fickle Fates misplaced it. I hate it when that happens.

Authorities say Jesse Pozvek of Naugatuck crashed his car shortly after 12:30 a.m. Sunday and fled into a wooded area, but fell off the cliff and became trapped in a ravine. Police say they found Pozvek a short time after the accident with the help of a tracking dog, but it took two to three hours to get him out of the ravine. Officials say Pozvek suffered a leg injury, complained of back pain and appeared to have the onset of hypothermia. (WCBS)

File this one in your ‘if at first, you don’t succeed’ in your HGPI archives.

Fickle Fates Caught Napping In Indonesia
An Indonesian park ranger, Marcelinus Subanghadir, almost became dinner for one of the critters he wrangles, when it snuck up on him outside his hut on Komodo Island.

Marcelinus Subanghadir was outside his hut on Komodo Island late Monday when a nearly 7-foot-long (more than 2-meter-long) dragon grabbed hold of his right foot, Komodo National Park chief Tamen Sitorus said. The dragon had Subanghadir's foot clamped in its shark-like, serrated teeth until fellow rangers heard his screams and drove it off with wooden clubs, Sitorus said.

Subanghadir, 34, suffered deep lacerations and was recovering at a hospital on nearby Bali. (Yahoo News)

How, exactly, does a 7 feet long ‘dragon’ sneak up on a dude whose job involves wrangling the critters? He was begging for it and, once again, the fickle fates were otherwise engaged, and unable to process this human gene pool improvement volunteer application.

Mark this one "DAMN IT" on your HGPI scorecard.

A Fool With A Tool
Living, as she does, in real winter country (Silver Cliff, Colorado), Alice French probably knows that frozen water pipes go with the territory. When Old Man Winter hit Alice’s trailer home with his best shot, Alice didn’t panic. Instead, due to iced over synapses, she called her idiot son, Brad, then asked if he could unthaw her water pipe.

Could he get ‘er done? You bet, but the price was high. How high? Very! Brad’s tool of choice, a weed burner, made friends with another homeowner malady, a propane gas leak under the trailer. Before you could say, ‘fire in the hole’, mom’s abode was ablaze:

On Feb. 23 authorities were dispatched at 2:30 p.m. to the corner of Butler and Broadway streets for a trailer house on fire.

Jerry Livengood, who is the assistant fire chief for the Wet Mountain Fire Protection District, said when crews arrived on scene the fire was fully involved. “Trailers are difficult to extinguish,” said Livengood. “It took us about 40 minutes to get it under control.”

Livengood said the kitchen area located in the center of the building, as well as the attic, were burning, while much of the rest of the house seemed to remain relatively unscathed. However, said Livengood, “there was significant damage. The fire was in a lot of small interior and exterior places.”

Livengood further noted that while the trailer remains standing, he believes it is no longer habitable. “I believe it is a total loss,” commented Livengood. No cost estimates of damage were available. (Wet Mountain Tribune)

Nice work, dude. Was burning down mom’s trailer the only way to thaw those frozen water pipes?

Going Whole Hogg in Flori-DUH
Armed with a pair of brass nads the size of Saturn, Demorris Hogg decided to roll fate’s dice. With his main squeeze in the local graybar hotel, he plundered his piggy bank, then headed for the Orange County (Florida) Jail. So what? Oh, did I forget to mention that Demorris just happens to be Daytona Beach Police Department’s "most wanted man of the week"? It must have slipped my mind.

No doubt, Demorris hoped the cops were equally forgetful. He should live so long...

Investigators say Hogg had gone to the Orange County Jail to bail his girlfriend out, 19-year-old Cheyanne Sadler.

After Hogg posted the bond, deputies said he was sitting in the lobby and he was recognized as a wanted man. Hogg is wanted in Volusia county on outstanding warrants, and he is the Daytona Beach Police Department's "most wanted man" of the week.

When deputies confronted Hogg, they said he ran right out the front door of the jail lobby and across six lanes of traffic on John Young Parkway just south of Interstate 4, right towards Amayo's store.

"They even shut a corner of the road down," said Amayo.

According to the arrest report, when officers got a hold of Hogg, they said he tried to charge one of them, then kicked-out the windows in a patrol car. The officer noted in the report that he had to pepper spray Hogg. (Fox)

Demorris will be thrilled to know that, despite his asinine antics, his squeeze was released on bond, about the same time he was bagged, tagged, and dragged to his own graybar hotel guest suite.

Adventures In Stupidity
Source: PIG News Wire [02/19/10]

Better Than Breadcrumbs
An Aussie desperado is, by any reasonable standard, a gift who keeps on giving. His name is Andrew Bawden, and he’s a very rare bird, indeed.

Within an hour of being charged and bailed over other break-ins, 36-year-old Andrew Bawden of Bendigo, Victoria was back in business, busting into cars and houses and robbing offices and a cathedral.

But his one-man crime wave came unstuck earlier this month when he dropped his police charge sheet at one crime scene.

Two hours later he dropped the DVD of his police interview at another.

"You get crooks sometimes who leave one thing that's stupid. Both things are extraordinary," Bendigo police Sgt Brendon Murphy said. "From the police perspective it's quite good. We appreciate people who leave this evidence for us." (Courier Mail)

Leaving behind a police charge sheet is out there, but dropping a DVD of your police interview takes dumbass to a whole new level.

Smooth Moves, Swifty
After Old Man Winter hit our hero’s home with his best shot, the homeowner, Swifty, assessed the situation and found one item which bothered him. Old Man Winter’s calling cards - icicles hanging from his home - looked dangerous, so Swifty decided to get rid of them.

How did he do it? Did he use a blunt instrument like a rake, a shovel, a baseball bat, a golf club, or a hammer? Nope. Swifty kicked those crude, but effective, notions to the curb and went to work on those icicles with - TA DA - a blowtorch.

Firefighters were called to the home in the 2200 block of Fairland just before 5:30 p.m. on Feb. 18. When they arrived, they found smoke pouring from the roof of the home.

Firefighters extinguished the blaze, but not before the roof and attic, as well as a new addition to the home, were heavily damaged.

The homeowner told fire officials he was worried family members might be injured by icicles hanging from the roof of his home, so he used a blowtorch to melt them before leaving the home to run errands. "He was concerned about the icicles and the ice causing damage to his home and/or anybody walking under it - his kids or anyone - if they fall," said Lt. Col. Rick Harrison. "Obviously, you want to remove them as safely as you can. Breaking them off is what most people do. Choosing to use a torch to melt them, in hindsight, he probably agrees is not the best idea." (WAVE)

The good news is that he got rid of those icicles. The bad news is that Swifty inflicted heavy damage his home’s roof, attic and a new addition to his abode. Nice going, Einstein.

Bay State Butthead
A denizen of Falmouth (Massachusetts), 23 year old John Yarrington, isn’t the brightest bulb on the tree. In fact, when it comes to stupidity, John is, in some ways, an overachiever. He proved that recently, when he managed an impressive feat. In one memorable afternoon, John was hired as a police informant, was used in a drug sting operation, got paid for his work, got arrested for using the money the cops paid him in another drug deal, got fired as a police informant, then was bagged, tagged and dragged to a graybar suite.

Here’s John’s amazing adventure, as reported by the Cape Cod Times:

"It's a case of the dumb get dumber," Falmouth police Detective Christopher Bartolomei said.

The police said Yarrington contacted them at 1:30 p.m. Tuesday and told them Cory Noonan, 20, was selling large amounts of heroin out of his mother's house on Homestead Lane. An hour later, the police had Yarrington set up a meeting with Noonan to buy a quarter gram of heroin at the corner of Homestead Lane and Route 28.

After waiting for Noonan's mother to leave the house, the police said Yarrington met Noonan and paid him $50 in marked bills for the heroin.

Once the alleged transaction was complete, the police picked up Yarrington in the parking lot of the School Administration Building, where he allegedly handed the police the bag of heroin. Yarrington was searched for excess money or drugs, but the police found none.

The police then warned Yarrington informants cannot use drugs while working, cannot buy drugs while serving as an informant and are not pardoned if caught with drugs at any point.

He was given a $100 bill as payment, the police said.

But minutes later, surveillance teams who were still set up on the Homestead Lane house reported seeing Yarrington walk back to the same spot and meet with Noonan. Investigators allegedly witnessed the pair conduct a second hand-to-hand transaction not authorized by the police and decided to arrest both men at the same time. The police found $80 worth of heroin on Yarrington when they arrested him. (Cape Cod Times)

John will be thrilled to learn that he has a shot at PIG’s Dumbass of the Year for 2010. I’m guessing that he’ll find a way to mess that one up, too.

Stupid Human Tricks
Source: PIG News Wire [02/12/10]

All Dressed Up...
Our hero - Swifty - had it all mapped out, except for one pesky detail. After considering his options, he painted his desperado bull’s-eye on Raiffeisen Bank in Kirchheim, Austria. With that matter settled, he armed himself with a firearm, put on his game face - a Messiah Barry mask - then made his move.

There was just one pesky flaw in his clever plan. Although the bank staff was inside the bank, they weren’t open for business, when Swifty arrived on the scene. They’d closed early for a previously scheduled training session, a training session which didn’t - believe it or not - include Swifty:

"We thought it was part of the training, some sort of initiative test, or a joke. Laughing only seemed to make him more angry," said one worker at the Raiffeisen Bank in Austria.

Although closed, the staff were still in the bank as they were taking part in the after-hours training session.

Police said the Barack Obama raider was about 5ft 7in tall and dressed in a dark jacket with red stripes on its sleeves, dark jeans and dark gloves.

A bank spokesman said: "He wasn't very smart - the bank was robbed both last December and in January this year and we now have really tight security so I doubt if he would have got away with much assuming he had managed to get inside." (Daily Mail)

If you know Swifty, turn the fool in to the proper authorities, before some heavily armed rational adult gives Swifty a high caliber eviction notice from the human gene pool.

Mint Condition in Chile
Issued by Chile’s mint in 2008, the 50-peso coins quickly achieved ‘collector’s item’ status. Why? It’s the kind of ‘oops, my bad’ crap this pagan scribbler perpetrates with depressing regularity: a typo. Normally, I’d be sympathetic, but not this time.

Why? When the name of your country only has 5 letters, you have no valid excuse for misspelling it. They misspelled ‘Chile’? You better believe it Sparky.

The 50-peso coins - worth about 6p - were issued in 2008, but no-one noticed the mistake until late last year, reports the BBC.

Instead of C-H-I-L-E, the coins had C-H-I-I-E stamped on them.

The coins have since become collectors' items and the mint says it has no plans to take them out of circulation.

People have reportedly been hoarding the coins in the hope their value rises.

But the mistake has cost the mint's general manager, Gregorio Iniguez, and several other employees, their jobs.

It is not the first embarrassing blunder at the Chilean mint. Last October, someone there sold a rare medal, which should have been housed in the institution's museum, to a coin collector. (Ananova)

How, exactly, do you say "D’Oh" in Spanish?

A Painful Reality Check
Source: WTMJ [02/05/10]

A 21-year-old Milwaukee (Wisconsin) dude decided to play a prank on mom, when she returned home from shopping on a Thursday night. If all went as planned, they would both enjoy a hearty laugh over it, after she got over her momentary fright. What could possibly go wrong?

He put on a ski mask, confronted her behind their home and pretended to rob her. That's when she pulled out a .357 revolver and fired several times.

Her son was hit at least twice by bullets, one of them to the groin. He is in the hospital this morning, but there is no word on his condition.

Officials say they discovered two guns on the scene of the shooting in the 3700 block of N. 13th Street.

Wow! This fool takes ‘dumb’ to an entirely new level.

Parting shot: Since mom’s fusillade nailed her idiot son in the family jewels, I’m willing to, provisionally, give her Human Gene Pool Improvement credit.

Explosive ‘Watch This’ Idiocy
Source: Golden Oinks [02/05/10]

The hero of our story - Einstein - is, at age 62, old enough to know better. Old enough, or not, this charter member of Michigan’s chapter of the ‘Watch This’ Club is notorious for boldly going where no man in his right mind would go.

This year, he made his bid for Human Gene Pool Improvement glory especially memorable:

Calling to mind any number of Home Improvement episodes, police say a 62-year-old Independence Township man was hospitalized Sunday after strapping a homemade rocket to his back while sledding.

Fox 2 reports the rocket -- a combination of gunpowder, match heads and gasoline stuffed in a motorcycle muffler -- exploded during a downhill ride at a party he hosted.

“Apparently, he has this sledding party every year, and he always does outrageous things at it, but he’s never blown himself up before,” Oakland County Undersheriff Mike McCabe told the Detroit Free Press.

As you might imagine, authorities believe alcohol played a role, but no charges have been filed as the investigation continues. (Mlive)

I’m sorry to report that a certain celestial buttinski invoked his fools and drunks exemption, letting Einstein off with a painful warning: second-degree burns over 18% of his body. Old Ka-Boom strikes again? Yes, dammit.

Name That Crime
Source: Chicago Sun-Times [01/28/10]

We might never know what crime Bernard Oxford had in mind, when some police officers spotted our hero looking into the windows of cars parked on a certain block of Jefferson Street in Joliet (Illinois). I know what you’re thinking, but there are some unresolved issues that make you ask WTF.

"It was suspicious when he was bending down by the cars, so he was questioned and searched," Deputy Chief Mike Trafton said. Inside Oxford's jacket, officers reportedly found "a large knife, a window-punch tool and several pairs of female underwear."

Oxford, of 13410 Brisbin Road in Yorkville, was arrested on a charge of carrying a concealed weapon and released on bond. (Sun-Times)

I can explain away the knife and window-punch, but several pairs of babe undies begs the question: what crime did he have on his agenda? It’s Enquiring Minds time, again, in the PIGdom.

Bold As Brass
Source: Ananova [01/26/10]

Our hero, a hairstylist from the Blight by the Bay, seems an unlikely candidate for a brass nads award. Unlikely or not, Tony Van is a contender for Brass Nads of the Year.

His nads clanging adventure took place at the Marin County (Mexifornia) courthouse, where Tony went to hear a jury’s verdict on the charge that he stole a $125,000 Porsche Carrera:

Step 1: Arrive at the courthouse in a Lexus 4WD.

Step 2: While Tony is in the courtroom, his passengers, 7 Yorkshire terrier puppies, escape from the car.

Step 3: Bystanders notify the deputies about the puppies escape from the Lexus.

Step 4: While rounding up the mutts, a deputy runs the plates on the Lexus through the system and it comes back - TA DA - stolen.

Step 5: When Tony returns to his stolen ride, with keys in hand, he’s bagged, tagged, and dragged into a graybar suit for receiving a stolen vehicle, receiving stolen property, animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle.

Step 6: Tony goes to jail, directly to jail, does not pass ‘GO’, does not collect $200, but he DOES get to meet an aggressively friendly inmate named Bubba.

Human Gene Pool Improvement, Down Under
Source: News.com.au [01/23/10]

He was, at age 14, old enough to know better, but he did it anyway, and sealed his own fate. The key components of this HGPI drama are a jetty on the Derwent River (Tasmania), a home-made ramp on the jetty, a bicycle, and one aspiring daredevil who decided to tether his bike to his leg, so he wouldn’t lose it.

He mounted his bike. He rode like the wind. He peddled up the ramp. He soared, briefly, like an eagle. He splashed down. He drowned, when the bike tethered to his leg acted like an anchor.

Don’t try this one at home, hormone gorilla Sparky.

Don’t Try This At Home
Source: PIG News Wire [01/22/10]

A Fabulous Flori-DUD Feat
It happened on Christmas Day, while a Flori-DUD, a dude named Charles Johnson, was in the left turn lane, waiting for the light to change. Apparently, Chuck had a very full agenda, so he wasn’t in the mood to wait for the red light to ‘evolve’ to a user-friendly green.

Would he, could he, run that red light? He would and could, but that’s not the right question.

What we really need to know is this: would he, could he, run that red light while a marked Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Department cruiser was right behind him? Chuck would. Chuck could. Chuck did, but the fun didn’t end there.

Keep in mind that he was alone in the car, when you read 'the rest of the story':

The deputy initiated a traffic stop and found the driver, 40-year-old Charles Jesse Johnson of Perry, in the back seat. He had jumped in there when the vehicle came to a stop, according to his arrest report.

The deputy checked the man's driving history and found out that his license had been revoked in June, and that he also had seven other suspensions and four other revocations.

He was charged with driving with a revoked license as a habitual traffic offender. (NWF Daily News)

You’re driving on a revoked license when you run a red light right in front of a cop? WOW! That’s off the scale stupid.

Crash Test Dummy
A Syracuse (New York, DUH) denizen, Derrick Pride, had one of those days, and lived to tell tale. It was, to put it bluntly, one damn thing after another.

Thing 1: After a suitable infusion of adult beverage, Derrick was grabbing a bit of fresh air on a street corner, when somebody shot him.

Thing 2: Still alive and kicking, Derrick got into his ride and headed for the hospital. Eager to make life thrilling, for other motorists, Derrick drove against traffic, on the wrong side of the road.

Thing 3: When he arrived at an intersection, Derrick, strutted his crash test dummy stuff, by smashing into another car.

Thing 4: The proper authorities made sure Derrick got to the hospital, where our hero’s wounds were deemed non life-threatening. No doubt that news pleased Derrick, who needed a lift, after the humor challenged justice system officials nailed him for DUI.

Putting A New Spin On Two-Time Loser
One of King’s Buckeye State homeboys isn’t exactly the brightest bulb on the desperado tree. In fact, our hero, Swifty, is in the running for that coveted, poster punk of ineptitude slot.

Swifty’s crime spree, such as it was, started, when he sauntered into a Hamilton (Ohio) Subway Restaurant, with his game face on. Leaping into action, Swifty jumped onto the counter and tried to steal the cash register. His clever plan was foiled, when the clerk pushed Swifty off the counter, prompting our hero to get out of Dodge.

Taking the setback in stride, Swifty tried again, 30 minutes later, at a Hamilton Family Dollar Store. This time Swifty kicked it up a notch, by displaying the outline of a gun against his jacket. Game, set, match? Yes, and no.

Yes: Swifty gained unrestricted access to the cash register. No: Swifty was unable to open the cash register and left empty handed.

If you know Swifty, turn his sorry ass in to the Hamilton police, before somebody puts this loser out of our misery.

Smooth Move, Einstein
Source: WBBM [01/15/10]

Unwilling to face the music for violating the conditions of his bond, one of Messiah Barry’s Land of Lincoln homeboys, 19 year old Travis Copeland, decided to forego the ‘go to jail, go directly to jail’ formalities. Eager to get out of Dodge, he raced out of the Lake County felony courtroom, in a headlong dash for freedom.

While running down the courthouse skyway that crosses over Washington street, Travis borrowed a page from those thrill a minute action movies. How? With armed and pissed Lake County sheriff’s deputies closing in on him, Travis slammed into the glass of a second story window with his shoulder. Sad story dude, they’ve seen the movies too, and nipped that escape maneuver in the bud with reinforced windows.

Rebagged, retagged, and redragged, Travis was persuaded to go face the music, but I doubt that he likes the tune, now that he’s being held in lieu of $1.5 million in bond money. Already on the hook for disorderly conduct and aggravated battery of an officer, Travis is destined to be hit with ‘additional charges’ for his mad dash from justice.

Stupid Human Tricks
Source: Golden Oinks [01/15/10]

Southern-Fried Stupidity
By the time the smoke blew away and the embers stopped glowing, a southern-fried flaming idiot had inflicted $150,000 worth of damage on his Charlotte (North Carolina) home. How did he manage it? It was child’s play, but even a tyke would know better.

Feeling that Globally Warmed chill in the air, our hero decided to warm things up with a fire in the fireplace. When the fire refused to cooperate, our hero decided to ‘kick it up’ several notches, by using an accelerant to get the job done, in a timely manner. As ideas go, this one turbo sucked.

After dousing the ensuing inferno, Charlotte Fire Department Capt. Rob Brisley unleashed a front runner for understatement of the year: “The male occupant made a very poor decision using gasoline.”

‘A very poor decision’? You bet, but it’s also stupidity on steroids.

A Mexas Meathead Adventure
From our ‘when things go wrong’ news desk, we bring you this amazing tale of criminal ineptitude.

Step 1: Arrive at the scene of the intended crime, Camillo’s Fine Jewelry in Conroe, Mexas.

Step 2: While the getaway driver waits in the 1998 Chevy Lumina, the other three get down to business.

Step 3: Lookout Lunkhead muffs the alarm disarming process, but doesn’t know it.

Step 4: While Lookout Lunkhead falls into a quasi coma, the two primary robbers, enter the store, setting off a silent alarm.

Step 5: Lookout Lunkhead is so ‘observant’ that he never spots the Conroe cops until they bag, tag, and drag him to jail.

Step 6: Conroe cops flush the two robbers from the store, making them an offer they can’t refuse.

Step 7: Conroe cops make it a clean sweep, when they find the getaway driver sound asleep at the wheel of the getaway ride.

Parting shot: Even in this era of double-digit unemployment, good help is still hard to find.

Stampeding Stupidity: Criminal & Generic
Source: PIG News Wire [01/08/10]

Sacked In Sacramento
For a trio of Mexifornia desperados, Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest, their robbery caper was just one damn thing after another. For starters, they bungled the robbery so badly that they attracted the unwanted attention of Sacramento County sheriff’s deputies, who quickly collared Dumbest (Jamario Hill) at the scene of the attempted residential robbery.

Much faster than their captured cohort, Dumb and Dumber led the forces of justice on a foot chase. Eager to elude their relentless pursuers, Dumb and Dumber headed for the Foothill High campus, an ill-advised move which led them to the football field. Once again, Lady Lucky gave them the cold shoulder, when the pair ran into one of the teams practicing for the annual football game between firefighters and cops: the Pig Bowl.

Which team was practicing? It wasn’t the firefighters.

‘...[Sheriff’s Sgt. Tim] Curran said members of the team - composed mainly of sheriff's deputies - ditched their pigskin and joined in the chase, eventually dog piling 19-year-old James Hill Jr. just off the field. One deputy threw a pair of handcuffs into the pile and another locked them in place.

Meanwhile, the offensive line chased down the other suspect, a 17-year-old boy, and took him into custody elsewhere on campus, Curran said...’ (Sacramento Bee)

If it wasn’t for bad luck, Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest wouldn’t have any luck at all. Book ‘em Dan-o.

Hosed Down In Indy
‘Armed’ with a water hose nozzle which made an appropriate-shaped bulge in his pocket, an Indiana loser named Dustin Abney headed for a local CVS pharmacy, where he planned to score some money and/or some pills. His plan, such as it was, didn’t get Dustin what he wanted, but it did get him what he really needed, a suite in the Marion County graybar hotel:

A police report said Abney approached an employee who was taking a smoking break outside the store, announced he was going to rob the business and asked whether the employee wanted any money or pills. The employee went inside and called 911.

The report said Abney returned to the store a few minutes later with his hand in a sweatshirt pocket, ordered the store worker to the pharmacy counter and pulled out a list of prescription drugs he wanted. Police arrived before he could leave the store. (Indy Star)

Book this loser, Dan-o.

Any Hole Will Do
Having reached the ripe old age of 40, a Brit horndog, whose name has been withheld for OBVIOUS reasons, was, theoretically, old enough to know better. In practice, he couldn’t resist the Siren song of that terminally slutty steel pipe.

He tried to be strong, but that sexy steel pipe was just too tempting, so he unleashed his wang, shoved it into the pipe and got stuck. This puts a whole new spin on the venerable ‘steel trap’.

Like so many troublesome things, it was much easier getting it in, than getting it out again:

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect. Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a 'delicate operation'. The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day. (Metro.UK)

You shouldn’t be gobsmacked to hear that our pipe-loving pinhead refuses to discuss how, exactly, his wang got stuck in that pipe. Don’t sweat it, dude, I think we’ve all got the big picture on that one.

Stupidity is Its Own Reward
Source: PIG News Wire [12/31/09]

Feeling Fuelish In Renton
This adventure in stampeding stupidity started, when our hero, Einstein, stole a 1985 Chevy truck from the City Transfer yard early on a Monday morning. A perfect crime? Not exactly.

Step 1: Steal a 1985 Chevy truck from the City Transfer yard in Renton, Washington.

Step 2: With the fuel gauge hovering on empty, you pump some gas into the truck.

Step 3: Your luck takes a nasty turn, when the stolen truck craps out, and someone reports seeing you and your stolen ride on the shoulder of State Route 167 in Renton, Washington.

Step 4: Unaware that you’re on borrowed time, you call 911 to whine that your ride is out of gas.

Step 5: When the proper authorities arrive, you try to pretend that you’re a City Transfer worker, by putting on the florescent vest you found in the truck.

Step 6: After you’re bagged, tagged, and dragged to a waiting cell, the proper authorities explain that the truck you stole is a diesel, which requires - DUH - diesel fuel. It won’t run on that standard issue unleaded gas you pumped into the tank.

Step 7: While lounging in your graybar guest suite, you rethink your career. Next time, you’ll go for low tech transportation like a bicycle, preferably one equipped with training wheels.

Chicken-Brained in J.O.E.
A Brit desperado’s chicken caper started off as planned, when he entered a Southern Fried Chicken franchise in Colchester, Essex (J.O.E.), brandished his weapon - an airgun - and demanded an instant cash infusion. With his primary objective accomplished, he decided to reward himself with a ‘Hunga Busta Meal’. Mission accomplished? Not exactly, because what followed is a real jaw-dropper: He stayed there to eat his meal!

An Essex police source said: "We've come across some stupid criminals in our time but this beats all. Normal practice is to grab the cash and run. But this man was obviously controlled by his belly rather than his brain. After running in with a hoodie and scarf hiding his face, he took them both off to stuff his face with chicken. The staff he'd just waved a gun at were gobsmacked. He sat there eating for 20 minutes so they had tons of time to dial 999. Staff thought it was a bizarre TV stunt." (The Sun)

I guess the moral here is that you should never rob an eatery on an empty stomach.

Failure 101
We’ll give our hero, Einstein, partial credit for ‘casing the joint’, since he did spend some quality time in MacEnzi’s Bar and Grill in Linn County, Oregon. So far, so good, but we’re compelled to deduct points, due to the timing interval between the ‘casing’ and the robbery. Why? Even in a place where an alcoholic fog is SOP, 25 MINUTES isn’t long enough to make your robbery victim forget all about you. Did I say 25 minutes? You better believe it, what's your hurry, Sparky:

Sheriff Tim Mueller of Linn County said the man had been drinking at MacEnzi's Bar and Grill on Saturday. He left around 10 p.m., but came back about 25 minutes later with a beanie pulled over his face. He allegedly grabbed a bank bag, pushed the bartender and fled.

The bartender recognized the man, who was arrested less than two hours later. The 54-year-old was booked into the Linn County Jail on a charge of third-degree robbery. (Yahoo News)

Don’t bother booking him, Dan-o. You should take him out behind the jail and shoot him.

Mind-Altered States
Source: PIG News Wire [12/25/09]

Gassed, Down Under
This alcohol-fueled adventure began, when Northern Territory (Australia) police received a report of an erratic driver. It reached new heights, when the proper authorities arrived on the scene and discovered, to their relief, that a citizen had already stopped the road warrior and impounded the car keys. So what? So plenty.

A TERRITORY man has been arrested for allegedly driving while almost clinically dead after an enormous booze binge. NT Police struggled to find the words after the 32-year-old man allegedly returned a blood alcohol reading of .385 per cent - or nearly eight times the legal limit. Medical experts say a person can die from alcohol poisoning with a reading of .4 or above.

Territory Duty Superintendent Michael Murphy said it was one of the highest readings taken in the Territory. "It's just ridiculous," he said.

Police yesterday estimated they would have to give the Katherine man 20 hours to sober up in his cell before he was capable of understanding the charges he was facing. (Northern Territory News)

He rang the Drunk-O-Meter bell at .385? Move over ‘drunk as a skunk’, because we need a new metaphor. For those who obsess on such things, here are some ‘how drunk was he’ particulars, as reported by Acting Sergeant Ryan Watkinson:

"(The driver) was just standing there waiting for us - I think he was a bit too far gone to offer any resistance," he said. "He was having trouble standing ... he was speaking but it was extremely slurred and hard to understand - he didn't fully comprehend what was going on." Acting Sgt Watkinson said it was believed the man had been sitting in a vacant lot in Cameron St revving his engine, and there were also skid marks around the vehicle. (Northern Territory News)

Obviously, our new metaphor won’t include ‘drunk on his ass’, but, ‘DEAD’ drunk is still in play.

Fried On Firewater In Fairbanks
Two of Sarah Palin’s fellow Alaskans, Joshua Williamson and David Stepp, began their Christmas season adventure, by getting gassed to the gills on adult beverages. After ingesting a suitable quantity, the pair took their show on the road, in Joshua’s GMC truck. Predictably, the trip was not uneventful.

First, Joshua found steering his ride problematic, prompting him to drive off the road and get stuck. D’oh? Yup, but help was close at hand.

Next, David exited Joshua’s ride, then headed home to get his own truck. When he returned and tried to tow Joshua’s truck back on the road, David got his own truck stuck in the ditch, next to Joshua's GMC. D’oh? Yup, but help was close at hand.

Relentlessly resourceful, David headed for his workplace, where he found what he needed, the company’s forklift. It was a nifty notion, but, by the time David arrived at that truck swallowing ditch, the proper authorities were on the scene to nail both of our Fairbanks’ fatheads for DUI.

Bagged, tagged, and dragged? You better believe it, good luck explaining your forklift folly to your boss, Sparky.

Beatdown In Brooklyn
Source: New York Daily News [12/23/09]

A Crown Heights (NY) gas station manager, Nick Ali, had the right, crimestopper, stuff when he needed it. It was business as ususal at the Gulf station, until Nick spotted Martin Slydorthy stuffing cell phone chargers into a bag. Unwilling to tolerate that, Nick went crimebuster bonkers:

"I came out of the booth. Usually that's a bad idea," said Ali, 38, of Brooklyn.

But Ali's bad idea was bad news for Syldorthy, who got a tongue-lashing - and then a beating - from the courageous clerk. "I'm busting my a-- here 18 hours a day so you can rob me?" Ali recalled barking at the bandit.

Ali said he pounced on Syldorthy as he reached into his pocket, fearing he was packing heat. A wild struggle ensued. Syldorthy tried to get at the cash register, but the 6-foot-3 Ali gave him a run for his money. "He tried to get into the booth," Ali said. "I pushed him back."

Ali eventually got the upper hand and beat Syldorthy to the cashier's-booth entrance. Ali said he shoved Syldorthy back and quickly entered the booth and slammed the door shut. He then hit the panic button - which locked all entrances to the convenience store - and called 911. "I hit a button and locked him in," Ali said. "That's why it's called a trapdoor!" (Daily News)

Eager to get the hell out of Dodge, the trapped desperado tried to kick his way through the glass. The glass shattered, but it held together long enough for the proper authorities to make Martin Slydorthy an offer he couldn’t refuse. Book this fool, Dan-o.

Human Gene Pool Improvement Thwarted
Source: Canadian Press [12/17/09]

After spending some quality time ingesting adult beverages in Wetaskiwin (Alberta, Cana-DUH), Jonathan Hambler found himself on the wrong side of town, after walking his intoxicated friend home. The distance wasn’t a problem, under normal circumstances, but with the temperature hovering at -4 F, Jonathan wanted/needed a quicker way home.

While he was mulling his options, fate intervened, when it directed Jonathan’s attention to a slow moving freight train. Since it was headed his way, towards his home, he hopped aboard, a decision that nearly got him killed:

"I just wanted to get across town a little quicker than walking," he said Wednesday of his decision to hop on a slow-moving freight train to get home a couple of dozen blocks away. "I was going to jump off real soon, and I thought, 'give it a couple more seconds, it might slow down.' But it just kept going faster."

Hambler said when the train began to pick up speed, he didn't know at first what to think. He admits he had a pretty good buzz going and was "just kind of lost."

But once the train left town, reality started to sink in fast. "This is pretty serious," he recalled thinking. "It started scaring me when I started getting a little cold."

Hambler was ill-prepared for the ride, which reached speeds of 90 kilometres an hour. He was wearing no gloves, thin pants, sneakers and a winter jacket. Perched between cars, he was at the mercy of the wind and the bitter cold.

Luckily, he had the one thing that could save him, his cell phone. "As soon as it started getting colder, I just called 911," he said. "I was kinda hoping it would work, because my phone was dying at the time." (Canadian Press)

Thanks to some quick thinking by the RCMP, the proper authorities were able to reduce the number of likely trains to an acceptable 2. They had each train’s crew sound their horns, at different times. When Jonathan heard his train’s horn, he reported it. That allowed the proper authorities just enough time to thwart Darwin, by saving Jonathan from the hypothermia which already had him in its icy grips.

It sounds like Jonathan qualified for both categories of Old Ka-Boom’s fools and drunks exemption. Bummer...double bummer.

Fabulous Flatliner Follies
Source: PIG News Wire [12/11/09]

Dressed For Success
A New Jersey dude, with the classically American name, Tita Nyambi, needed a money infusion in the worst way. After exploring his options, he hit upon his can’t miss plan. He could put on mom’s pink blouse, her black coat and a head scarf, grab her driver’s license, then liberate mom’s money from the Franklin (New Jersey) Chase Bank branch. What could possibly go wrong?

Monday afternoon. Tellers called to report that a man wearing women's clothes and speaking in a high pitched voice was trying to withdraw money through the bank's drive-through window. Police said Nyambi handed tellers his mother's license and a bank form forged with her signature. Nyambi was arrested and charged with forgery and attempted theft by deception. (Yahoo News)

Tita, dude, leave the cross-dressing to the professionals, like RuPaul, Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopie Goldberg.

Smooth Moves, Windy City Sparky
Our hero’s name is George Floyd. He managed to survive to the ripe old age of 17, somehow, without mastering the fine art of critical thinking. George strutted his dumber than a box of rocks stuff on a cold Sunday night, when he needed a suitable alternative to walking home in the cold. What to do?

Step 1: You sucker punch a woman, evict her from her van and take off in it.

Step 2: You lead local police on a high speed chase on south Chicago’s highways and byways.

Step 3: You manage to elude the cops, a couple times, then seal your fate, by doing a header into a parked car.

Step 4: You get the thrilling news, from the arresting officers, that the woman you carjacked and assaulted is - TA DA - an off duty police officer.

Step 5: You go to jail...you go directly to jail, where you will have ample time to wonder if walking home in the cold is REALLY worse than vehicular hijacking, aggravated battery to a peace officer and aggravated fleeing, all of which are - TA DA - felonies.

Normally, people grow wiser as they age, but I have a hunch that Georgie is the exception to that rule.

Begging For It, In Arizona
The vital elements in this electrifying human gene pool improvement adventure are a 400 foot tall cell tower in Pinal County (Arizona), a base jumping jughead named Darrell Dunafon, and some strategically high voltage power lines. As usual, if you see where this one is headed, please don’t spoil it for the PIG News rookies.

The fun reached critical mass, when Darrell and two of his base jumping cohorts broke into a cell tower on a Friday night. Apparently, Darrell thought he could elude the fickle fates, by filing his human gene pool improvement volunteer application under the cover of darkness. Nice try, but no cigar, dude.

Darrell got the thrilling "application accepted" news, immediately after he took his leap of faith at the wrong time, in the wrong place, then had a deadly "you’ve just been deselected, Sparky" encounter with 12,000 volt power lines. Faster than I can type BZZZT, that high voltage turned 23 year old Darrell extra crispy.

Base jumping: dumb.

Base jumping at night: dumber.

Base jumping at night near high voltage lines: kiss your ass goodbye, moron.

Stupidity Ought To Be A Crime
Source: PIG News Wire [12/04/09]

Off On The Wrong Foot In J.O.E.
One of the recurring job search mantras urges job seekers to get off on the right foot, when they’re visiting a prospective employer. Our hero, a job-seeking Brit teenager found out, the hard way, how important it is to make a good, first impression, after he entered a JJB sports store, looking for a job.

He started off in grand style, when he asked for an application. He was still on a solid footing, when he filled out the application, which included his name and address. His job seeking adventure seemed to be going swimmingly, up to that point.

His fate at JJB was sealed, when, after trying on a pair of tracksuits in the fitting room, he tried to sneak them out of the store, without bothering to pay for them. He almost made it, but alert store clerks detected his shoplifting exploits, and notified the proper authorities.

Armed with the information which this walking Brit brainfart provided on the job application, the Aberdeen police didn’t have any trouble bagging, tagging, and dragging this moron to a local graybar hotel suite. Don’t hold your breath waiting for JJB to schedule a job interview, intellectual flatliner Sparky.

The Tomahawk Chop Makes Landfall Down Under
The fun started, when two Aussie desperados entered a Gold Coast bottle shop (a liquor store, more or less) with armed robbery on their agenda. Determined to show that they meant business, one of the men tried to intimidate one of the store’s male employees, by brandishing a tomahawk. Did this Down Under spin on the legendary tomahawk chop get the job done? Not exactly.

Refusing to play along, the intended victim trumped the tomahawk, by snatching up a stool. Unwilling to press their luck, the two desperados beat a hasty retreat. Don’t quit your day jobs, dudes.

Blame It On Barry
When a pair of Crestview (Flori-DUH) young ‘uns returned home with a friend, they heard the shower running and guessed it had to be dear old dad. When one of them went to give ‘dad’ a ‘we’re home, dude’ heads up, he got an unexpected shock. The man in the shower, Donald May, was not dear old dad, but a stranger, who wasn’t thrilled spitless to have his shower interrupted:

“The male in the shower stated ‘Obama let him in’” and told the boy to “get out,” [according to a police report]. The children ran to a neighbor’s house and called police. When they arrived May was still in the house with nothing on but a “towel wrapped around his lower body,” the report states. May declined to comment when interrogated by police other than to say, “The Yellow Brick Road brought him to Crestview,” according to the report. (Northwest Florida Daily News)

In short order, Barry’s shower pal, Donnie, was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a local graybar, AGAIN. Again? Yup. Three days before his great shower adventure, Donnie got busted for trespassing and failure to leave a property. He was kicked loose from the Okaloosa County Jail, two hours before he gave the young ‘uns a thrill.

Since he’s charged with felony burglary of an occupied dwelling, plus, petty theft, Donnie will be forced to share a shower with the other dudes on the old cell block. Hopefully, they’ll be suitably impressed by his Barry inventive excuses.

Cape Cod Chowderhead
The hilarity hit high gear, when a walking, Bay State, brainfart found ‘it’ on a Massachusetts beach, south of Aunt Lydia’s Cove. Ignoring that the "Do Not Handle" warning on his ‘treasure’, this unsupervised Einstein took the unexploded U.S. Navy flare home with him.

How did Einstein get the large flare - 2 feet long and 4 inches in diameter - home? You’re going to be thrilled:

"The lesson to the public is when it's marked 'Do Not Handle,' don't put a rope on it and drag it to your house," [Chatham fire Capt. Roy] Eldridge said.

Where were those fickle fates, when Einstein filed his emergency human gene pool improvement volunteer application? I haven’t got a clue. I do know that, once he got home, Einstein had an unscheduled synaptic firing which made him share news of his find with the U.S. Coast Guard. Suitably thrilled, the Coast Guard immediately notified the local fire department that some moron was playing a very dangerous game. Dangerous? You bet:

[T]he flare contained phosphorous, a very volatile substance that can ignite when exposed to air and can cause severe burns when in contact with skin. (Cape Cod Times)

Although he begged for a Darwinian Deselection, human gene pool improvement was thwarted, by the local bomb squad which separated Einstein from his toy. Those spoilsports took it to a local land fill where they used explosives to destroy the ordinance.

 

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