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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| PAGE ONE PIG WEEKLY SUMMARY
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We're trying to be brave about the fact that some of you slackers- and we both know who you are - don't read our cyberspace speed bump every damn day. Some of you - and this might shock certain hardcore PIGsters - ignore our compelling prose for days at a time. Since we're forced to cope with the fact that - in your synaptically-challenged minds - there are more important things in life that making a daily pit stop on Page One PIG, we're willing to go the extra mile and show you what you missed. This new PIG feature contains those items that only appear for one brief day on Page One PIG then disappear into cyberspace oblivion. If you're wondering about last Tuesday's Word of The Day, or curious about what we found worth mentioning in last Thursday's Today in History, you can find those answers here. |
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Page One PIG Daily Features: November 01, 2008 thru November 07, 2008 This Week's New Words November 1 November 2 November 3 November 4 November 5 November 6 November 7 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Today In History Review November 1 November 2 November 3 November 4 November 5 November 6 November 7 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Tasty Tidbits of The Week Saturday Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it. Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year. Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, "$9,500." "$9,500?" Obama asks, stunned. "But you said it's an easy repair!" "Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free," explains Joe. "It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.' Surprised you haven't heard of it, senator." In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing. The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several days. A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return. Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says "Let's see – this will cost you about $21,000." "A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Obama quickly fires back. Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. "Well, because of the 'Joe's Fair Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day. "Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they're not being replaced – nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won't make any money. I'm hurting now too – all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share." Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: "Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will you do?" Joe immediately replies, "Run for president, apparently." Sunday Like any proud car owner, Pete was eager to get his green machine out on the road. It was during his first outing that going green, landed Pete in the fun zone: On the trip to see his daughter in Lincolnshire and then friends in South Yorkshire, he stopped at a filling station in Barnsley and put in 40 litres of gas. 'I was told you get a slight smell of gas when you fill up so thought nothing of it and wound the window down and back again,' he said. 'I fancied a fag so wound the window down again slightly and then lit up. I was doing about 30mph and, as I lit the cigarette, there was an almighty explosion. The windows went out, the bonnet went up and the boot went up, just as you see in the movies. I braked sharply. I can't remember this but I was told that I was directing traffic around the car while my suit jacket was still smoking. The fireball singed me on my face, hands and legs and melted my jacket lining and some of my shirt. I looked as if a firework had exploded in my face.' Mr Tidbury, a widower, has knowledge of explosions from his days as a miner and is astonished he survived such a strong blast. A leak in the pipe leading to the gas tank is thought to have allowed gas to seep into the car and it was ignited by the cigarette. (Daily Mail) A fireman said the car looked like someone had tossed a hand grenade into it. Based on this image we tend to agree. Afterwards, Pete made an understandable decision. Unable, due to his profession, to give up going ‘green’, he has, instead, decided to give up smoking. It’s not the first time he’s tried to kick the coffin nail habit, but, unlike prior, failed, efforts, he has those vivid "BOOM" memories to give him the requisite motivation. Having your car explode when you light one up is, obviously, very inspirational. He's also switching his car to diesel fuel. Good thinking Pete. "Football For Blondes" 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents! Monday Although his antics took place last year, it took this long for a black robe to bang the gavel down on Jimmy. By decree of Snohomish County Superior Court Judge Ellen Fair, Jimmy has been banned from setting foot in parts of the county, for the next TEN YEARS. For the next decade, certain patches of Snohomish County are officially, a "James Gilligan free zone". Now that I’ve touched bases with who, and what, it’s time to spend some quality time with ‘why’: ‘...A Lake Stevens man who admitted stealing backpacks from school children because he thought they were smuggling drugs has been sentenced to four years in prison...’ ‘...Gilligan stole a boy's backpack at a bus stop last year and forced his way on a school bus to take a backpack from a 10-year-old girl. The Everett Herald reports he allegedly said his dog Peaches told him kids were transporting drugs on the bus...’ (Seattle Post-Intelligencer) The Jimmy free zone has been imposed to put some distance between this Great Northwest Nitwit and the families his mutt keeps yammering about. Maybe the Judge should exile that pest, Peaches, too. "Nova Scotia Numbskulls" The two dolts - ages 51 and 53 - started out in classic desperado style, when they kicked in the front door of a Halifax apartment, in the wee hours of the morning. They were doing just fine, when they demanded a cash infusion from the man who lives in the apartment. That, I’m compelled to report, is the high watermark of this crime drama. Their intended victim used his prior knowledge of these two dolts to pull a fast one on them. Dolts: "We want some money, right now." Victim: "I hear what you’re saying but I don’t have any to give you." Dolts: "We want some money right now." Victim: "Understood, but I still don’t have any to give you, but I have an idea." Dolts: "Spill it." Victim: "Why don’t you two chill out, and wait here, while I make a cash run to the local ATM machine?" Dolts: "Okey Dokey." Victim: "I’ll be right back." That’s right, PIGsters, these utter and complete morons let their victim leave, while they waited in his apartment. They were still waiting, when the Halifax Regional Police arrived to bag, tag, and drag them to the local graybar hotel. Parting shot: It’s dumbasses like these two who put the DUH in Cana-DUH. Inkorrect Alleged Humor How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only two. But don't ask how they get into the lightbulb! Tuesday We live on a busy corner and have had 13 cars enter our property in 24 years. A couple were caused by ice, most were caused by stupidity, one was to take out our election signs (we live in a black and blue state). A few months ago we had a great two weeks. Idiot number 1 tanked up at a club over the hill and found some agreeable and equally tanked female. They drove to his house below us to play bingo or something. That done, they decided to return to the club to collect her car. Driving an estimated 60 mph in a 25 she says “that’s our turn’. Leewit tries to make the turn in an Explorer which proceeds to roll 4 times, flips over a bush, missing it, and lands in our yard. He generously donates his tool collection to me, including a 2 ton floor jack that was loose in his car. They had to be cut out of the car. The wreckage included his hash pipe. I have no idea if he survived. Two days later they close the high school early so that idiot number 2 (17 years old) could take his sister and her friend (who was not allowed to ride with him) to the great beyond by driving way over the speed limit into a truck demonstrating the rule of tonnage. This might not attract much attention if it were not for the collection of fools that helped. Six months earlier he wrapped his car around a tree while drunk. His mother gets her employer (a lawyer) to get his license back on a technicality caused by the state legislature writing an under aged drunk driving bill that left out pee test as a valid test. Then mom buys him a new hot car. The icing was the chief of police counseling him several times for his driving??? A few days after that idiot number three goes to the funeral service for idiot number 2 and gets stopped on the way home doing 106 in a 45. Two days later a town cop pulls into a parking lot to check a suspicious car driven by idiot number 4. Evidently there was some reason for the suspicion as the car takes off, running over the cop. The cop is badly injured and the clown was not caught. I would like to sign him up for driving lessons provided by idiot number 2. Finally idiot number 5 decides to go drinking at the mountain falls. A lovely spot that requires attention, preferably daylight, and not too much beer. The next morning I take the dogs for a walk and find a blanket, hmmm, then a few personal items, hmmmm, then, a bag of unopened beers. Okay, now I start looking for a body. None found I continue my walk. On the way out I found a cell phone. At the exit a woman is just pulling up. Wearing several bandages on her face I assume she got personal with some of the rocks. I gave her to phone and suggested that she clean up her mess. I put more big rocks on our corner. CONFUCIUS SAY Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Wednesday Fort Worth police are looking for a suspect after a holdup man ran up against an uncooperative convenience store clerk in an overnight robbery try. Police spokesman Lt. Paul Henderson said the man walked into a 7-Eleven in west Fort Worth about 3:20 a.m. Monday and demanded the cash from the clerk's register. According to Henderson, the clerk answered, "No. Either shoot me or leave my store." Henderson said the man cursed at the 30-year-old clerk and left on foot. Detectives are checking the store's security cameras for images of the suspect. (Yahoo News) They grow EVERYTHING big in Mexas? You better believe it, Lone Star State Sparky "Unfinished Business" Officers arrested the 46-year-old woman on Monday after officers received a call about a woman "huffing a can of air" inside a car parked at a Wal-Mart store. Police say the woman was slow to react to questions from officers. When the officer again asked her what she was doing, he said "she wouldn't say anything except that she wanted her can back so she could finish getting high," according to police. (Yahoo News) Hmm. I wonder if she’s a distant cousin, or something, of that Stop and Rob clerk in Mexas. It’s Enquiring minds time, PIGsters. "More Confucius" Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. "Unearned Income" Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant. His grandson asked, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?" Grandpa answered, "I just figured the Democrats were back in power." Thursday I won’t lie to you and act like those notorious Quislings who swear that Messiah Barry really doesn’t mean all that Marxist claptrap that he keeps spouting. He means every single word of it. It’s going to suck, watching the parasite horde destroy every shred of our “life, liberty and pursuit of happiness’. It’s going to TURBO SUCK, but it need not drive you insane or make you suicidal. As usual, I do have some suggestions: 1) As soon as you finish reading this rant, reprogram your boob tube system to erase ALL the cable news stations from your channel surfing lineup. This includes: Fox, CNN, Headline News, CNBC and MSNBC. 2) When you’re watching ABC, CBS or NBC and the news comes on, switch channels. 3) Whenever you hear the Messiah’s voice, IMMEDIATELY, turn off the radio or television. Hearing that Marxist drivel will drive you crazy. 4) Find a public and a private scapegoat. If you live in the Sanctuary City of Angels, I’m told, by a reliable source, that KABC radio host, Doug McIntyre, is an admitted Obamunist. He, or someone like him in your listening area, will do just fine. You’ll also need to find a private scapegoat. It should be someone who can’t drop you like a bad habit. That means, ideally, that avowed Obamunist who taints your family tree. It could also be a friend, neighbor, acquaintance or co-worker. The choice is up to you. Now that you’ve selected your public and private scapegoats, you sit back and wait for Messiah Barry to channel is inner Joseph Stalin. When that happens, you’ll be boiling mad and need someone to scream at. That’s the time you get up close and personal with your public and/or private scapegoat and unload all your Obama-induced rage on them. It won’t change the state of things in America, but verbally eviscerating your designated Obamunist will do wonders for your sanity. Think of the hours of fun you’ll have, during Messiah Barry’s 50-year reign, terrorizing your designated Obamunist. Imagine all the PIG-worthy images you’ll have of your designated Obamunist fleeing a family gathering in abject terror, when you enter the room. 5) If you’re an achiever and you don’t relish the idea of working your ass off to support some Obamunist parasites, you need to borrow a page from Ayn Rand’s playbook and SHRUG. You need to curtail your endeavor to a bare minimum, for as long as this Marxist class warfare crap lasts. You need to do just enough to provide for the immediate needs of you and your family, but no more. Put your journey to the American dream in a holding pattern, until you are, once again, allowed to use the fruits of your labor, your intellect, as YOU see fit. Remember Hambo’s First Rule of Parasites: A host (achiever) can thrive without the parasite, but the parasite dies without its host. In other words, they need you, but you don’t need them. "Tyke Wisdom" A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!' 'The cop asked, 'What's he like?' The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.' Friday Finnish authorities charge 2 euros ($2.57) per minute for assessing the correct age limit on films and television series. Distributors who forego this can only sell their shows with a sticker saying "Banned for under-18s." "Long series can get quite expensive to check, and some use this exemption in the law to their advantage," said Matti Paloheimo, Director at the Finnish Board of Film Classification. "Such unchecked material should not be shown to children publicly," he added. (Reuters) That sound you hear is Landon rolling over in his grave. "Fire in the Hole" It was all going swimmingly, until our firebug noticed - TA DA - smoke coming from his home: When firefighters arrived they reported heavy smoke coming from the attic. The response was hampered until the power company got to the scene to disconnect the power, which ran through the attic of the home. After that, it "didn't take long to put the fire out." [Coweta Fire Investigator James Gantt]. Family members and neighbors looked on with emotion while firefighters worked diligently to save the residence. A fire inspector Gantt demonstrated his rustic sense of humor when he opined that clearing cobwebs with a blow torch isn’t a nifty idea.
Perpetrated by: Hambo |
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Copyright 1993-2008 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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