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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| PAGE ONE PIG WEEKLY SUMMARY
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We're trying to be brave about the fact that some of you slackers- and we both know who you are - don't read our cyberspace speed bump every damn day. Some of you - and this might shock certain hardcore PIGsters - ignore our compelling prose for days at a time. Since we're forced to cope with the fact that - in your synaptically-challenged minds - there are more important things in life that making a daily pit stop on Page One PIG, we're willing to go the extra mile and show you what you missed. This new PIG feature contains those items that only appear for one brief day on Page One PIG then disappear into cyberspace oblivion. If you're wondering about last Tuesday's Word of The Day, or curious about what we found worth mentioning in last Thursday's Today in History, you can find those answers here. |
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Page One PIG Daily Features: July 17, 2010 thru July 23, 2010 This Week's New Words July 17 July 18 July 19 July 20 July 21 July 22 July 23 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Today In History Review July 17 July 18 July 19 July 20 July 21 July 22 July 23 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Tasty Tidbits Saturday FOXNews: There’s now a perfect gift for the girl who has everything -- including a desire to secretly drink while simultaneously getting a breast lift, the New York Daily News reported Thursday. The Wine Rack, a sports bra with a plastic “bladder” that can hold an entire bottle of wine, is featured at the BaronBob.com website. “You won’t find this at Victoria’s Secret,” Paul Krasulja of BaronBob boasted to the paper. “I don’t consider it fine looking lingerie. But it is a good looking piece.” He won’t get many arguments about the good looking part. Basically the $29.95 device is a black sports bra with a polyurethane bladder inside and a drinking tube long enough to sip from. Add liquid, and the website promises you will “turn an A cup into double D’s.” SF: Put in two drinking tubes and it won’t matter that you turn from a double D to an A by the end of the evening. Of course the rest of the PTA might wonder what your mate is doing. Hambo Sez JAKARTA (Reuters) – Indonesia's Muslims learned on Friday they have been praying in the wrong direction, after the country's highest Islamic authority said its directive on the direction of Mecca actually had people facing Africa. Muslims are supposed to face the holy city of Mecca in Saudi Arabia during prayer and the Indonesian Ulema Council (MUI) issued an edict in March stipulating westward was the correct direction from the world's most populous Muslim country. "But it has been decided that actually the mosques are facing Somalia or Kenya, so we are now suggesting people shift the direction slightly to the north-west," the head of the MUI, Cholil Ridwan, told Reuters. "There's no need to knock down mosques, just shift your direction slightly during prayer." Ridwan said Muslims need not fear that their prayers have been wasted because they were facing the wrong way. "Their prayers will still be heard by Allah," he said. Said Agil Siradj, head of Indonesia's largest Muslim organization Nahdlatul Ulama, told English language newspaper the Jakarta Globe that the confusion showed the MUI issued edicts too fast and that this was a lesson for them. Hambo sez: Is this an example of that cutting-edge Islamikaze science that thrills the snot out of Messiah Barry? Yahoo News - WENATCHEE, Wash. – Don't call him Lucky. Wenatchee police say they arrested a 47-year-old Tacoma man for investigation of first-degree theft after he ran out of gas as he was leaving a store where Native American collectibles were stolen. Alerted to the thefts by the store owner, police found the man on foot Wednesday after his car stalled about 50 feet from its original parking spot. Sgt. John Kruse says the man is suspected of stealing several Indian collectibles from the Discount Center. Kruse says he was also in possession of several necklaces stolen from the Antique Mall — and is suspected of stealing a beaded Native American ceremonial garment bearing a price tag of $10,500. Hambo Sez: D’Oh! Running out of gas at the scene of the crime must have made him feel very - PUN ALERT - fuelish. Sunday A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border,"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No I.D., no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other. "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle." Apple's iBlame In an unprecedented moved, Apple has unveiled its latest marvel of technology. The device has been in beta testing at the highest levels of government since 2007 and has proven to be an invaluable tool. The gadget is simple, small, sleek and can be implanted in a tooth and be invoked as necessary during conversation, interview or stump speech. The device, the iBlame, is a magnificent mechanism that, when invoked, will prevent arguments, stop cross examinations, obfuscate scorn, and diminish dissent. Accused of spending too much of the peoples' money? Turn on the iBlame and people will know it's the fault of the prior President. Indicted for being a Marxist? The iBlame will convince the masses that other people deserve the fruits of their labor. Giving trillions to banks and wall street firms? Activating iBlame will assure the elecorate that the deregulation of the Republicans brought down the economy. * Don't want to show your thesis or grades? iBlame conservatives for being stupid hicks. * Ignoring Fannie Mae during Financial Reform? iBlame Mitch McConnell for protecting wall street * Selling out US Citizens to the Big Insurance Companies? iBlame John Boehner for standing by the status quo. * Can't win the argument against the Tea Party? iBlame them for being racist KKK fronts. * Made an infantile decision about closing Guantanamo? iBlame the military for freeing Yemeni terrorist redux. * Not a US Citizen? iBlame bad Hawaiian paperwork. iBlame Bush for reducing taxes. There is one caveat in the use of this contraption - it may only work for a short period of time. The affect of the iBlame has been known to fade in the face of truth and logic. iBlame is available for only $99.99. But wait!! Order now and you can receive TWO iBlames for the LOW LOW price of $199.98 (plus $16.00 shipping and processing). Late Night Humor A new study found that pear-shaped women are prone to memory problems. Also having memory problems: you, after you get punched by a woman for calling her "pear-shaped." (Fallon) Crime is up in New York City. I knew we’d bounce back.(Letterman) Monday This week’s News Digest hit a speed bump, at the last minute, when we had to redeploy our crackpot news sleuths to a more important task. What task? We detected some alarming weaknesses in our defenses, so we sent the entire PIG crew to shore up the PIG Bunker’s outer perimeter. We’ll upload as much of the News Digest as possible, then revise, extend, and correct it on Monday afternoon. The Pope And Nancy Pelosi The Pope and Speaker Nancy Pelosi are on a huge stage at Candlestick Park in front of a massive crowd. The Pope leaned towards Speaker Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With only one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the bitch. Obama's Top 10 Accomplishments: 1. The most hours spent on the golf course since January of 2009 by a non-professional. IMAO’s Frank J. Has Inside Job Creation Info So the White House is now claiming they’ve saved or created 3.5 million jobs in the last quarter. That’s a lot of jobs! I don’t know how the unemployment rate is near 10% with Obama just shooting jobs out his rear like this. So what are these jobs? Here are some that Obama has saved or created: * Park rangers for snipe preserve. * Unicorn groomers. * Warden for leprechaun prison camp. * Grief counselors for bigfoots. * Assistant to the Tooth Fairy. * Gremlin exterminator. * Border patrol for border with Honalee. * Administrative assistants for honest lawyers. And everything single one of Obama’s jobs he saved or created is completely invisible and only detectable by the magical pixies who do his number crunching. That means they’re secure! It’s An Obamanation President Obama is angrily calling for more federal tax increases. He just heard from his advisors that some American taxpayers weren't completely broke yet. The best things in life are free but President Obama's tax advisors are working hard trying to solve that problem. Barack Obama isn't planning on buying TurboTax®. Obama can turbocharge our taxes all by himself. President Obama plans to start printing income tax forms on Kleenex, so it will be easier for us to pay through the nose. President Obama has just announced that he has a new plan to simplify the tax code. From now on only the Republicans will have to have to pay any taxes. Tuesday How very unique! Somebody went to a lot of trouble. When you look at the message, it was not made by cutting down plants for the letters, it was made by cutting everything else away and leaving the letters. That took a lot of ingenuity, time, and ability. The farmer who owns the field made the image ... it's near the airport so all of the planes coming and going can see the message ... It would be hard to land in Lubbock, Texas and not see this. Hambo Sez The Arabic daily Al-Jazirah reported on Sunday that a Saudi family who employed a housemaid from the Philippines did not realize that the woman who had been serving them for seven months was a man. “No one in the family had any doubts about the gender of the housemaid. She had smooth skin and had a beautiful face. She would not mix with men in the family,” the newspaper said. After seven months the housemaid decided that she had have enough of house chores and said she wanted to go back home. While her final exit procedures were being completed, her sponsor handed her over to the Passport Department who discovered that the beautiful maid was in fact a man. Hambo sez: Now that’s funny. I don’t care who you are. NBC - Roberts, Wisconsin: Police were called July 9 to the home of the man’s mother in Roberts, Wisconsin, a small town across the border from the Twin Cities. According to TwinCities.com , the website for the Pioneer Press, the 40-year-old man had fired several shotgun rounds inside his mother’s home by the time police arrived around 4 a.m. With police surrounding the home, the man came to the door and was apparently yelling at the hallucinated clowns, the Press reported. He went back inside and fired more shots in the home and came to the porch with the shotgun and a string of ammunition around his neck. The man did not respond to officers’ commands, but when he slipped and fell, deputies were able to take him into custody, St. Croix County Sheriff Dennis Hillstead said. On his way to the hospital, the man told medical crews he had taken a hallucinogenic drug and believed people dressed as clowns were attacking his mother’s home, that he had shot and killed several of them, and that his mother had been killed in the attack. In reality, nobody was injured in the incident, though Hillstead said the man shot at his mother and her boyfriend as they were trying to flee the home in their vehicle. Hambo sez: Basement Boy is 40 and still living with mommy? Ok. He’s so tripped out on drugs and seeing terminally hostile, invisible, clowns. Ok. His mother - a spring chicken who is probably 60(+) has a boyfriend? O...Wait just a damn minute. Late Night Humor Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall. Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota. (Leno) BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of "biggest disaster." To celebrate National Ice Cream Day on Sunday, Baskin Robbins is retiring five flavors. Really? That’s like celebrating Grandparent’s Day by pulling the plug. Liza Minnelli is releasing a new album in September called “Confessions.” It’s called “Confessions” because if you’re a dude who buys it, you may have just made a "confession" of your own. (Fallon) Wednesday Two weeks ago when the Emmy nominations were announced one of the most shocking announcements came in the "Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series" category. The now cancelled "Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien" was nominated in the category, while the same program with host Jay Leno was snubbed. "Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien" writer Dean Cole tweeted the staff were informed their Emmy category won’t be televised during the primetime program. "NOT ‘NBC’ but the powers that be has sent us an email saying that the category we are nominated for will not be televised this year! really?" Conan O’Brien’s final broadcast as "Tonight Show" host was on January 22, 2010. Hambo sez: Somewhere in the boob tube executive suites, a ‘suit’s’ Get Over It isn’t working. Yahoo News - SEDRO-WOOLLEY, Wash. – Two men who were apparently trying to take an unusual thrill ride were seriously injured in an explosion at a shop that builds and services race cars in Washington state. Fire Chief Dean Klinger told the Skagit Valley Herald the men put about four gallons of methanol in a 55-gallon barrel in the parking lot Sunday night, sat on top and lit it for a "barrel ride." Klinger says, "Apparently it was supposed to slide across the parking lot like a rocket. Instead, it blew up." He says one end of the barrel flew 120 feet. The men were responsive when paramedics arrived at Funk Racing. They were taken to a local hospital, then flown to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle with severe burns. Hambo sez: Are any of you still wondering why I call them Great Northwest Nitwits? News Max - Tributes to Ronald Reagan are hardly rare in California, where a freeway, medical center, state office building and other landmarks already bear his name. Now the conservative icon has his own day on the calendar. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed two bills Monday paying tribute to Reagan, a former Republican president and governor who died in 2004. Schwarzenegger praised his fellow actor for his dedication to freedom and democracy and his spirit of optimism. The first bill, SB944, designates Feb. 6 as Ronald Reagan Day and encourages schools to spend the day commemorating Reagan's life and accomplishments. The second, AB1911, establishes a commission to plan the celebration of what would have been Reagan's 100th birthday next February. The nine-member commission will use private donations to pay for the festivities. "In keeping with President Reagan's distrust of bigger government, this bill won't use taxpayer dollars and won't grow the bureaucracy," said the bill's author, Assembly Minority Leader Martin Garrick, R-Solana Beach. Hambo sez: Mexifornia honors a man who libertards consider the Darth Vader of Conservatism? Somebody check the water supply for toxins, stat. I'm just sayin'. Thursday Officers have seized several large images posted in car parks and close to schools. The A3 and A4-sized posters, in colour and black-and-white versions, show a penis with a yellow bow tied around it. Investigators have interviewed staff at offices close to where the images were found and sent the posters off for fingerprinting. One Lewes officer worker said the graphic posters have appeared several times over the past fortnight. Writing on the Albion forum North Stand Chat, he said: "This may not be unusual in Brighton, but for Lewes it will probably mean armageddon." One line of inquiry is that the photographs may be a bizarre protest, as some include a caption about "fees set to rise later this year". A Sussex Police spokesman said the "budding photographer" has "failed to impress local police". He said: "We are aware of these posters and a local PCSO has removed a few, but we have not received any formal complaints. "However, we are concerned that the posters have appeared quite close to local schools and they may well cause offence or distress. "However, from what we've seen, if this is a self-portrait, the artist won't be in a hurry to be identified." Police said posters have been found in three areas, around County Hall, The Paddock and The Pells. Hambo sez: The unnamed Sussex Police spokesman got off the putdown of the week with this gem: "...if this is a self-portrait, the artist won't be in a hurry to be identified." Yahoo News - MADISON, Wis. – A legislative candidate from Wisconsin can't use a profane, racially charged phrase to describe herself on the ballot, an election oversight board decided Wednesday. Ieshuh Griffin, an independent running for a downtown Milwaukee seat in the state Assembly, wants to use the phrase, "NOT the 'whiteman's b----.'" But the state's Government Accountability Board voted to bar that wording, agreeing with a staff recommendation that it is pejorative and therefore not allowed. State law allows independent candidates to have five words describing themselves placed after their names on the ballot as long as it's not pejorative, profane, discriminatory or includes an obscene word or phrase. Griffin, who is black, argued her case to the five white, retired judges on the board that regulates elections. She said the phrase was protected free speech. "It's a freedom of expression," she said. "It's not racial. It's not a slur." She convinced three of the judges that the wording should be allowed, but two said it should not. One judge was absent, and Griffin needed four votes to succeed. Griffin said she intends to seek an injunction in federal court. Hambo sez: I no bull crap admire this woman’s command of the language. "NOT the white man’s bitch" manages to tell a chad puncher everything you need to know about Ms. Griffin, in 5 rock ‘em, sock ‘em words. Nicely done, darlin’. Friday Dear fellow PIGs, Swine, Hogs, and other individuals of questionable moral standing: Today’s discussion will be about something I call “Misappropriation of the English language”. Due to the extreme damage it causes it is a crime that should carry severe punishment. There are two primary versions. One takes an existing word and permanently applies an entirely new meaning to it while the second randomly changes the meaning to suit the intention of the user. In addition there are variants where a perfectly acceptable term gets morphed into an insult by cretins that no one should be paying any attention to anyway. A relatively good example of a change is dropping Mongoloid Idiot and using Down’s Syndrome. Certainly there is nothing wrong with that. But when I was in school the slower students where labeled retarded, which literally means you’re a bit slow but you will catch up. Not insulting. That morphed into retard (adj.) which was insulting. Instead of clamping down on the cretins they changed the label to “Special Education Students”. It didn’t take too long before that became an insult too and they had to come up with a new name. I can understand why some folks object to the technically correct “Negro”, and I am willing to use “Black” even if they aren’t black, but you ain’t gonna get “African American” outta me. You don’t want to be an American then feel free to leave. My point here is that changing the name does not get rid of the original problem and those of us who choose not to keep up are labeled as insensitive bigots for using the old word. My Aunt Grace’s nickname is Gay. Guess what she doesn’t appreciate. Now here is a prime example of giving a word an entirely new meaning to the point that you can’t even use the original meaning without getting in trouble with the PC wingnuts. And I just read in the paper that “Homosexual” is considered an insult so you can’t use that either. I guess I’ll have to go with PIG’s “Bun Ranger”. In addition the Greek island of Lesbos doesn’t appreciate lesbian. Now we have radio advertisements warning you against saying “that’s so gay” since it’s so insulting. Suffer bitch, you started it. How about Homophobe? Literally that should mean someone who is afraid of homosexuals but the label gets applied to anyone who does bow down to the entire homosexual agenda. Then we descend into Slick Willy changing the meaning of “is” and “sexual relations” and whiney far left wingnuts talking about secret bigoted code words without ever spelling out what they are. They are creating a modern Tower of Babel. It’s no wonder we can no longer communicate since we are not using the same version of English. Most of us have taken the simple expedient of not even trying to communicate with them but sometimes you must and sometimes you can’t help commenting on a truly monumental mountain of oral excrement. Just remember, They are idiots and you aren’t, well I’m not anyway. Swine Flew Short Snort AP: WASHINGTON -- New jobless claims in the U.S. jumped last week by the most since February, reversing a sharp fall two weeks ago. The rise is partly a result of seasonal factors but also reflects the job market's weakness. The Labor Department says new claims for unemployment insurance jumped by 37,000 to a seasonally adjusted 464,000. Analysts expected a smaller rise, according to a survey by Thomson Reuters. The sharp increase comes after claims fell steeply two weeks ago to their lowest level since August 2008. But much of that drop was driven by temporary seasonal factors and not necessarily by an improving job market. SF: Damn my head hurts. Claims jumped this week do to seasonal factors and fell two weeks ago due to seasonal factors. Did we pick up a few more seasons while I was sleeping? What qualifications does it take to be an analyst? Is it anything like being an expert or a scientist? Do the mythical 100 monkeys write this crap? A Perfect Golf Shot I'm sure you golfers have heard 'em all. Tom stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the world is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Tom explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." His companion said, "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Perpetrated by: Hambo |
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Copyright 1993-2010 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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