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PIGPEN/FORUM
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BILL TAYLOR
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Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as: Just a quick history lesson!!! In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when HMethane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has You probably did not know the true history of this word. I had always thought it was a golf term! THOUGHT FOR THE DAYHandle every situation like a dog .... If you can't Eat it or Screw it , Piss on it and Walk Away. DO THE MATH What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103% And, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. FARTS A fart is a pleasant thing It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while...... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget....... Sweet old farts like you! TETANUS SHOT An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot. A GOLFING STORY An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want . . . a great golf game . . . all the money he ever needs, . . . and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week are you gettin' it?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "WHAT??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's ALL? Only once or twice a week?" "Well . . . " says the golfer, ". . . . I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish." LEXUS A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit your pants when you hear the priceTHE PHOTO ON THE NIGHTSTAND After a long nightof making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry..."Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. No silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the sugery". EXERCISE FOR OLDER (OR PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED) ADULTSBegin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level). After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORYIf you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary:
MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun ------- like a Root canal or a vasectomy. POLITICSA little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: #1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. #2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. #3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. #4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class #5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. "Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap." MOUNTAIN WIFEA successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She as determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!" LITTLE WHITE BOYA little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, Go show your grandmother." The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from that?" The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes And already I don't like you Mexicans." CAMEL SEXA new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here On the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's Why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with Passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a Ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants Down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the Girls are." THE OLD COWHillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road. One evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.!" "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it." HORSING AROUNDA New Yorker was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered to give her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a -a-a!" and rode off. The service station attendant asked the woman what she did to get the Indian so excited and she said, "Nothing, I just sat behind him, put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn, so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles. ONLY IN NEW MEXICOHang on to any of the new State of New Mexico quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U. S Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the New Mexico quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new New Mexico quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the New Mexico quarter, which was created by an Espa–ola native and NNMCC graduate, Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices. LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIASan Diego, California... A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?" GLOBALIZATIONFinally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate. Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals... That, my friends, is Globalization!
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© Copyright 1993-2008 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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