A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining
about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being
held in Guantanamo Bay.
received back the following reply:
Washington, D.C. 20016
you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment
of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held
at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion
was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens
like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist
Retraining Program to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility
for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to
be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded
in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for
you to hire some assistant care-takers.
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards
of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws.
you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling
and home schooling.
adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil
or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate
these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making
a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products,
so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your
opinion) this might offend him.
will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has
been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail
to comply with the new dress codethat he will recommend as
more appropriate attire.I'm sure you will come to enjoy the
anonymity offered by the burka over time
remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You
take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
A TOP TEN MONDAY MOMENT
Submitted by: Double Edge
Top ten ways to tell if you might be a member of a public-sector union by David Letterman
10.) You take a week off to protest in Wisconsin and your office runs better.
9.) On a snow day when they say “non-essential” people should stay home
you know who they mean.
8.) You get paid twice as much as a private sector person doing the same
job but make up the difference by doing half as much work.
7.) It takes longer to fire you than the average killer spends on death row
6.) The worse you do your job, the more your boss avoids you.
5.) You think the French are working themselves to death.
4.) You know by having a copy of the Holy Koran on your desk your job is 100% safe.
3.) You spend more time at protest marches than at church.
2.) You have a Democratic congressman’s lips permanently attached to your butt.
1.) You pay more in union dues than you do for your healthcare insurance.
JAILS AND NURSING HOMES
Submitted by: Double Edge
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. s
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,
wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly
if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"
THE TURTLE POST
While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Turtle?"
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there in the first place.
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is God - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
TED ON DEER HUNTING
was being interviewed by a French journalist.
journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in
the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, "Are you my friend?"
or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going
to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are
very much like the French."
HAS ANYONE SEEN AMERICA LATELY?