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We found them too good not to publish.
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck THE STRESS TEST
Smart Ass Answers
Submitted By: PIGster Grammy SMART ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...' SMART ANSWER #3 The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.' SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack Or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher Smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' A BONUS EXTRA A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees And says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'LITTLE RALPHY Submitted By: PIGster Grammy LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!' LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'' LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business. GROWING UP WITHOUT A CELL PHONE
If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to laya bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! 1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! 2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! 3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! 4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! 5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig? 6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! 10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! 11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! 12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! 13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before! Regards, The Over 40 Crowd IT'S UTTERLY STIMULATING
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment? Q. Where will the government get this money? Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka. * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) Conclusion: No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help. GROSS
[Gross? Yup. Sacreligious? That too. Did it make us laugh? Yup. Will we tell you who sent it to us? Nope. Name withheld to protect the guilty? You better believe it, Sparky.] BREAKING NEWS, THIS JUST IN ............. OSAMA BIN LADEN has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that had been promised to him.
'ALLAH AKBAR!!' To Hell With That Yellow Brick Road
Proudly InKorrect
Submitted by: Some PIGgal A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'Sorry about the wait.' The Dead Cow Lecture
Submitted by: Some Finger Licker This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard. First-year students at the OSU Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid. How Old Guys Pick Up Chicks
Submitted by: Methuselah I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, "These taser guns are well worth the money". YUMMY!
Submitted By:Cisco Kid
THE MULE
Stolen From: Page One PIG's Tasty Tidbits Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100. Limit all US politicians to two terms. One in prison. Seven Degrees Of Blonde
Submitted By: The Lights Are On... FIRST DEGREE: The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' SECOND DEGREE: She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE: A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy it's W.' FIFTH DEGREE: A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH DEGREE: The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.' SEVENTH DEGREE The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' April 08, 2011 A Real Woman
Submitted By: Cisco Kid A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that $h#t!!!!!!!!! Never mind. Old Guys Continue To Rule
Submitted By: PIGster Rod I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). IT'S A DOGS LIFE
Stolen from: Page One Tasty Tidbits
...My dog is a Liberal! WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS
Submitted by:T-Cro _________________________________________ THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE By Barack Obama MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS By Tiger Woods THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY Forward by George Soros MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton By Hillary Clinton By Bill Clinton By Bill Gates By Dennis Rodman THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry By Amelia Earhart HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST By Dr. Jack Kevorkian TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson By Ted Kennedy By Bill Clinton With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson By The Philadelphia Eagles MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY By Nancy Pelosi LITTLE CAROL
Submitted by: PIGster Rod Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter. Thank you, Carol JAILS AND NURSING HOMES
Submitted by:Double Edge Here's the way it should be: Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. s This would correct two things in one motion: Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, They would receive money instead of having to pay it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes. All meals and snacks would be brought to them They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists. Simple clothing - ie., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request. There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens. Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost. They would receive daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection. The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect. As for the criminals: They would receive cold food. They would be left alone and unsupervised. They would receive showers once a week. They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month. They would have no hope of ever getting out. "Sounds like justice to me!" IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...
Submitted by:PIGster Rod 1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. A TOP TEN MONDAY MOMENT
Submitted by:Double Edge Top ten ways to tell if you might be a member of a public-sector union by David Letterman 5.) You think the French are working themselves to death. 4.) You know by having a copy of the Holy Koran on your desk your job is 100% safe. PIGISH SEX THERAPY
When I was born, I was given a choice: Being physically endowed or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings...' There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri weekly, try weekly, and try weakly. Virginity can be cured. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'. Many men still sleep with their wives. GREEN SPOTS
Submitted by: Mustache Ride "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse." The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold." HILLBILLY FARMER
Submitted by: Some Hoofer An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." DOCTOR DAVE
Submitted by: Some Sick Puppy Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. THE LONE RANGER'S LAST REQUEST
Submitted by: Kemo Sabe The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. A SIGN FROM THE BEDROCK BAR & GRILL
Submitted by: PIGster Rod
A PIGISH PUBLIC SERVICE
Submitted by: L. Bow Bender Things that are difficult to say when drunk: TOWEL HEAD HUMOR, ZINGERS AND ONE-LINERS
Submitted by:PIGster Rod A Muslim walks into a brothel in Cairo and says he wants to pay to have sex with a Camel. The proprietor asks, "Will that be one hump or two?" PORKING OUT, PIG STYLE
Submitted by:PIGster Pete
CATCHING LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE, TWICE
Submitted by:Cisco Kid If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one. An incredible story of luck and inspiration! Can you believe it? This guy, Ade Taylor, wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK! 13 REASONS WHY HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Submitted by: PIGster Hot Rod 1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun. KEEPING HER HAPPY
Submitted by: I’m Not Worthy It's really not difficult to make a woman happy. POLICE HARASSMENT
Recently, a CA Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, 'Community Policing.' One of the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question, 'I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?' From the 'other side' (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied: 'First of all, let me tell you this…it's not easy. In Chula Vista , we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as 'patrol') where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day. Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follows: PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. 'My neighbor is beating his wife' is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, 'There's a guy breaking into a house.' The harassment team is then put into action. CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file. RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours. STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called 'Statutes'; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc. ... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to 'harass' some people. Next time you are in my town, give me the old 'single finger wave.' That's another one of those codes. It means, 'You can harass me.' It's one of our favorites. CLASS WARFARE Submitted by:Cisco Kid Classes for Women at WHO NEEDS DR. PHIL
Submitted by: Bi-Polar Bob I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch. PIGISH WISDOM
Submitted by: Oinkistotle As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010-Remember INVISIBLE MAN
Submitted by: Toe Tagged Feeling unappreciated? The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, think of this guy: Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These THE IRISH VIRGINITY TEST
THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Oh, come on ... take a guess! Think about it! You're going to love this! Everyone knows ... you can't kill two birds with Onestone! NEW FEDERAL GOVERNMENT RULES FOR GOLFING
President BHO recently appointed a "Golf Czar" who is formulating major rule changes to become effective on Jan. 1, 2011. This is only a preview as the new rules (expect at least 2000 pages) are still being written as we speak. Here are a few of the new provisions. Golfers with handicaps: - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%. - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees. - above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play. The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows: -handicaps below 10, no entitlements. -handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts. -handicaps above 18, when your ball makes the green, you're done. Putting unnecessary. Scoring: A Player is limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be distributed among those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. These new rules are intended to bring about fairness and equality in scoring and to spread the success of winning by ensuring that in every round the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. Golf must be about "Fairness". It should have nothing to do with talent, ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is only the "Right thing to do". BHO will next be appointing Basketball, Baseball and Football Czars. There is so much work for his administration to get done! Thank god he is so smart and adept at multitasking. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man: "Hello" Woman: "Honey, it's me. are you at the club?" Man: "Yes." Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it ok if I buy it?" Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked." Man: "How much?" Woman: "$65,000." Man: "Ok, but for that price I want it with all the options." Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." Woman: "Ok. I'll see you later! I love you!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is? SAINTS TICKETS FOR SALE Saints Tickets, section 118, row 6 seat 4&5 I have 2 Saints season tickets for sale. It seems that my wife doesn't want to attend any more of their games as she doesn't like the person who sits in the seat next to us. I've included a picture of the view from the seats to confirm location below. Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder. Current Bid: $4,500 each
WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS SIGN?
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these... What's Your Business Sign? MARKETING -- You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES -- Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY -- Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING -- One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome." ACCOUNTING -- The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES -- Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT -- Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." SENIOR MANAGEMENT -- (See above - Same sign, different title) CUSTOMER SERVICE -- Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. CONSULTANT -- Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" -- As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO -- You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter. GEOGRAPHY LESSONS .GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started... I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I wil l always have a limp. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........
THE LAST ARGUEMENT
"O.K. Honey!" "We're here! " "I said I was sorry!" "You can come out now!"
A PIGISH FOOD PYRAMID Submitted by: Chef Boy Ardee Posted by: Mama Celeste Ever wonder what fuels PIG's brainstorming sessions. Take note of the food pyramid, below. Between Porcus and Hambo and their strict adherence to the essentials listed on the pyramid, they are able to offer up heapings of Incorrectness on a daily basis. We hope we have all the current Korrectly defined dietary taboo's covered, and yes, we are what we eat, and we love it!
Note to Behavioral Nazi's:We thank you in advance for your concern, but we've got ourselves covered. Gotta go! Hambo's in the act of swiping the last slice of pizza and cold beer. PIGISH NURSERY RHYMES
Submitted by: Mutha F-ing Goose Posted by: Some Grimm Brotha Mary had a little pig, WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST
Submitted by: Auntie Em Posted by: Dorothy We at The F.S.O.P.don't normally endorse politicians, but with the mid-terms approaching, with that comes the usual mud slinging ads...until now. Republican John Dennis of California's 8th Congessional District is currently running perhaps the most creative political ad ever, using the Wizard of Oz as the backdrop, complete with the Cowardly Lion, Tin Man, Scarecrow, Dorothy and Nancy Pelosi as...you guessed it The Wicked Witch Of The West. PIG Props to the Dennis campaign for adding a new twist to the political season with this ad. If you haven't seen it, or want to see it again, click here for the clip:
A TALKING CLOCK
Submitted by: Gene Gene The Dancing Machine Posted by: Chuck Barris After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL
Submitted by: PIGster Rod F. OSU BUCKEYES WELCOME NEBRASKA
Submitted by: A Happy Husker Posted by: A Blubbering Buckeye Since Nebraska is joining the Big Ten in 2011, Ohio State's marching band has already been practicing for Nebraska 's first visit to the Buckeye's "Horseshoe" stadium. 
“YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…” [Liberated From Weasel Zippers] 1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.” 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. 10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat. CRUISE CONTROL
Submitted by: Captain Sly Posted by: Nice ‘n Easy DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 LIBERAL PICKUP LINES
Submitted by: Comrade Casanova Posted by: Basement Boy [Source: The Looking Spoon] Actually not an easy task trying to come up with good ones (I'm not sure I did), but it seemed fun to at least attempt. If you're not a fan of juvenile and/or sexual innuendo then some of these may not be for you...consider yourself warned. Lets go back to my place so we can hike up your taxes and bash some Bush Can I get someone else to buy you a drink? Is the money in your pocket inflated or are you just happy to see me? How about going out for taxes and sex? What?!? You don't like sex? Reid.....Harry Reid My safety word is "Lower my taxes" I'm hung lower than Congress's approval rating I wanna ride you like a Prius I'm going to love you 'till Obama reads Arizona's immigration law. (San Francisco special) Is that a banana in your pocket or are you really a dude My safety word is "Praise Jesus Amen!" Fwank....Bawney Fwank Let me buy you a glass of Blame Bush, its my favorite red whine You know what they say about guys with big carbon footprints....they have big private jets Here are some of my favorites from Twitter's #LiberalPickupLines hashtag "You had me at Mao!" your mouth says "no," but this order from the 9th District Court of Appeals says "yes" I get nude for animals. How about you? Whats a Nice Girl like you doing in an Abortion Clinic like this? I will make you scream the name of that guy you don't believe in. My parents aren't home right now." "I'm a covered benefit under your health insurance plan." Can I organize your community?" "Come up to my apartment and I'll show you some REAL inflation." If you were Afghanistan I would never pull out. Here are some good ones from a thread at Free Republic. If I told you you had a nice Pelosi, would you hold it against me Just call me Ralph Nader. Unsafe at any speed I love the way you braided your armpit hair. ENGLISH RULES!
Submitted by: English Only Posted by: Press THIS, Colonista Breath Somebody put a lot of work into this! – this is great! You think English is easy? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. I'M A FATHER
Submitted by: Now That’s Funny Posted by: Some Guy Named Larry A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar." PIGISH HISTORY aka 'THE REST OF THE STORY'
Submitted by: Paul Harvey’s Ghost Posted by: Doubting Thomas Where did Piss Poor come from? IT'S A COMIN'
Submitted by: Bucking Bronco Posted by: Saddle Sore Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge of the Bozeman, Montana airport while waiting for their respective flights… One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ... Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . . 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.' PIGISH WISDOM
Submitted by: Lethal Weapon Posted by: Smith & Wesson Things that I found helpful by living this long. The purpose of fighting is to win. DEBUTANTE BALL
Submitted by: Yo Mama Posted by: Goy Boy A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal mess dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: no Jews please." At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in mess dress, four handsome, smiling black naval officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "No, Maam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldstein never makes mistakes." GENDERALLY SPEAKING
Submitted by: Her Bull’s-eye Posted by: Begging For It NICKNAMES 5 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Pardon My Sobbing and my favorite one: 5. Potential Murder Suspect REDISTRIBUTION
Submitted by: Class Warrior Posted by: Indian Giver Here it is PIGsters. Here’s the gift Messiah Barry and Oprah sent to Chelsea Clinton and her horseface loving hubby.
If that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, you’re hopeless, cold-hearted Sparky. PIGISH GOLF FACTS
Submitted by: Some Duffer Posted by: Putter Envy Conventional wisdom says golf wenches are at a competitive disadvantage, compared to their male counterparts. We beg to differ: A new pair of French sunglasses: $100 Matching lavender outfit: $2,000 NIKE product endorsements: $10,000,000
Having that ‘special place’ to hold your putter....PRICELESS! I MISS BILL CLINTON
Submitted by: Nick Nostalgia Posted by: Bubba’s Plumper Cigar Humador "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax.. Even now? Look at him...His wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada . When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes." AMAZING ELECTED TORMENTOR ADVENTURES
Submitted by: Sky King, Jr. Posted by: Frequent Flyer A DC ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble: SELF SUFFICIENCY
Submitted By: Some Good Egg Posted by: That Mother Clucker
AAADD
Submitted by: I Forgot Posted by: Where Was I KNOW THE SYMPTOMS Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Associated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs.. But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail..... FINALLY! TOOLS EXPLAINED
Submitted by: Handy Andy Posted by: Thumbs McHammer Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING
Submitted by: Ranger Walker Posted by: Paul’s Bunion Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. THE BRIDE...
Submitted by: I. M. Cherry JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT
Submitted by: Some Saint Posted by: Some Sinner A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" LAST RITES
Submitted by: Father Shecky Posted by: Some Heretic Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin." JUST FOR LAUGHS
Submitted by: Smarty Pants Posted by: Chuckles The Clown Revenge Is Sweet
Golf For Beginners
A Jolly Good Recovery
How Men Screw Up Romance
HEADLINES FROM THE 2029
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Posted by: Carnac The Magnificent, Jr.
- White Minorities Still Trying to Have English Recognized as Mexifornia's Third Language. - Spotted Owl Plague Threatens Northwestern United States Crops and Livestock. - Baby Conceived Naturally! Scientists Stumped. - Couple Petitions Court to Reinstate Heterosexual Marriage. - Iran Still Closed Off; Physicists Estimate it Will Take at Least 10 More Years Before Radioactivity Decreases to Safe Levels. - France Pleads for Global Help after Being Taken over by Liechtenstein. No Other Country Comes Forward to Help the Beleaguered Nation! - Castro Finally Dies at Age 112; Cuban Cigars Can Now Be Imported Legally, but President Chelsea Clinton Has Banned All Smoking. - George Z. Bush Says He Will Run for President in 2036. - Postal Service Raises Price of First Class Stamp to $17.89 and Reduces Mail Delivery to Wednesdays Only. - 85-year $75.8 Billion Study: Diet and Exercise Is the Key to Weight Loss. - Average Weight of Americans Drops to 250 Lbs. - Global Cooling Blamed for Citrus Crop Failure for Third Consecutive Year in Mexifornia and Florida. - Japanese Scientists Have Created a Camera with Such a Fast Shutter Speed They Now Can Photograph a Woman with Her Mouth Shut. - Abortion Clinics Now Available in Every High School in United States. - Senate Still Blocking Drilling in Anwr Even Though Gas Is Selling for 4532 Pesos per Liter and Gas Stations Are Only Open on Tuesdays and Fridays. - Massachusetts Executes Last Remaining Conservative. - Supreme Court Rules Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights. - Average Height of NBA Players Is Now Nine Feet, Seven Inches. - New Federal Law Requires That All Nail Clippers, Screwdrivers, Fly Swatters and Rolled-Up Newspapers Must Be Registered by January 2030. - IRS Sets Lowest Tax Rate at 75 Percent. - Florida Voters Still Having Trouble with Voting Machines. ANOTHER CRAIG'S LIST CLASSIC
Submitted by: Cisco Kid
MINORITIES
Submitted by: A Patriotic PIGster We need to show more sympathy for these people. They travel miles in the heat. They risk their lives crossing a border. They don't get paid enough wages. They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do. They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language. They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day - every day. I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans - I'm talking about our troops!
CRISIS IN CALIFORNIA!!!
Submitted by: Flanders This financial crisis is forcing California to make some tough decisions.
There's a real risk we may have to lay off Jose. PUCKER UP
Submitted by: P. T. Barnum LADY SELLING Lemonade on the Beach
ELECTRIFYING ENLIGHTENMENT
Submitted by: Don’t Tase Me, Bro Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! WAL-MART DIAGNOSIS
Submitted by: Some Know It All One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike …. 'My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor.' POSSIBILITIES
Submitted by: PIGster Rod F. I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ………… “Got stoned once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
BS BINGO! Submitted by: Some Pooper You’ve seen the card, but finally someone has explained the directions to you! This works quite well. Tried it yesterday with press conference on oil spill. Did not get BINGO, but came close.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Submitted by: One Pissed Off PIGster The "America Sucks" attitude is alive and well on Filmore Street in Medford, Oregon, as seen in this photo taken by PIGster J-Cro.
Remember, that's Filmore Street, Medford, Oregon. COURTROOM BOMBSHELL
Submitted by: Some Seafaring Gangbanger
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein.” The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted. “We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said. The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.” In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law. “There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said. “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied. SOMETHING'S FISHY
Submitted by: Don’t Ask No Sir Officer, We've Only Been Fishing... Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe. This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. ALABAMA LADIES MEETING
Submitted by: Praise The Lord Posted by: Pass The Ammo For those of you who don't live in Alabama, and think we are a bunch of uncivilized ruffians - well, it's simply NOT TRUE!
A BABY-K FRIDAY DOUBLEHEADER
Submitted by: A Rational Dude Named K-Mart Were you aware of the fact that just recently in Portland, OR a man, down on his luck, having lost his savings, home, retirement, cars, family and even the loyalty of his beloved canine best friend has remained ever faithful, praying that Obama would miraculously As it turns out, after the marshals forcefully evicted him from his home of 25 years, he left with the only important documents he still possessed, i.e., a roll of toilet paper. After many cold nights praying and suffering he was finally rewarded with a most divine message clearly sent from the Messiah himself, Barack Obama! Being homeless and ever hungry, the man squatted in some nearby bushes to relieve himself of what he thought was pretty damned close to nothing, i.e., his last paltry meal. His persistent, pious faith paid off in the fact that he experienced the most joyful, productive, heaven-sent bowel movement that he had ever known. Even more exciting was the fact that he experienced an Obamiphany!! Miraculously, the man was rewarded with a vision of Obama's smiling face in one of the turds compromising this pile of shit of antediluvean magnitude. But wait, it doesn't end there.The man had clearly won Obama's favor, for not only was he rewarded with this miraculous apparition of Obama himself but he was also able to What a blessing, he thought. News of this miracle spread quickly, and the man was contacted by officials from the local catholic parish, who are investigating the circumstances surrounding the country's biggest pile of shit to determine the veracity of this man's claims. So much for reports of the Mexican faithful finding the image of the Virgin Mary in a tortilla. Item #2: Dawgs At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and expect me to feel guilty because they are dogs. "My dogs get their first checks Friday!" DOG TIRED
Submitted by: Some Puppy Lover An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. LOSING A FRIEND
Submitted by: Some Sentimental Slob Posted by: Over Easy Trying to channel our elusive, sensitive, side, we’re taking a brief timeout to deal with a very sensitive subject. It’s a very touching story about life and death It’s about friendship and loss. Fair warning, you’ll need a hanky or two for this one. It’s certain to stir up your heart. It will leave an indelible mark on your soul.
TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE
Submitted by: A Rational Dem To Pee or Not to Pee Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work. Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country - AND SOON! P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too! THE DEVIL MADE US POST THIS!
Submitted by: Some Horny Devil Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT GRANDPA & TECHNOLOGY
Submitted by: Some Victim of Technological Terrorism Posted by: Some Technological Neanderthal One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time. BRAIN TEASERS
Submitted by: Some Smartass Posted by: Some Dumbass The Questions:
The Answers:
FEELING FUELISH
Source: PIGster Redneck Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. BANG FOR THE BUCK
Submitted By: Some Wishful Thinker Posted By: Saving My Pennies The new Ferrari "458 Italia" .. This is what it looks like!
And This Is What It Does..
Any questions? Where do I order mine??? WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Submitted by: Cisco Kid All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! 2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com/ 3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island'. 4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: http://www.therapistfinder.com/ THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
Submitted by: PIGster King Posted by: Hambo Two Different Versions... ......... .... Two Different Morals The The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome " . Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper. The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010 !! THAT MAGIC MOMENT
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck In the following pictures you see people with very strong facial expressions. Can you identify what is happening?
THEY'RE ALL GETTING READY TO SNEEZE!! What did you think it was, mind in the gutter Sparky?
THE WIT AND WISDOM OF ARTIE LANGE
Submitted by: Foster's Lager
Artie Lange is one of MADTV's original cast members who went on to not only Hollywood and The Howard Stern Radio show, but also gained noteriety as a gluttonous, all-nighter type who shoots first with his wit, and doesn't bother to ask questions later. Howard Stern: "Brad Pitt doesn't have a brain in his head." Artie Lange: "It is great doing a talk show with Nicole Ritchi." Artie Lange (Sam McKenna): "You thinking what I'm thinking? Artie Lange: "I am fine now, I have never felt better in my life." THE FRAUD FROM ABROAD'S HOPE AND CHANGE
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Let's take a quick look back at the first year in the new era of Hope and Change, shall we? January - The Moonbat Messiah was inaugurated before a crowd that made rude chants at the departing President Bush and completely and utterly trashed the National Mall. And that was just the news media. The Moonbat Messiah immediately began filling his cabinet with tax cheats, dirty lawyers, radical communists, and eugenicists. One of his first acts was to sign a $787 Billion "Stimulus" package that promised to restore the USA to economic prosperity by the fall. February - Obama's EPA began laying the groundwork to declare all human activity subject to Government regulation, via the human capacity for CO2 production, which the EPA designated a deadly gas despite the fact that plants need it to survive. The right-wing began to make jokes about Obama's Teleprompter dependency. It would be eight months before the left would do the same. March - The Green Left designated polar bears the official iconic megafauna of the Global Warming Hoax, using a picture of some bears on an ice floe to claim that the big white beasts were facing extinction (when, in the real world, their numbers are increasing.) Lady M'Chel put in an appearance at soup kitchen and showed off her $540 kicks. Obama also rewarded his friends in Hamas with $900 Million in taxpayer dollars to thank them for their incessant rocket attacks against Israel. Oh, and Keith Olbermann pitched a snit fit when Ann Coulter revealed that his prized Cornell degree actually came from Cornell's cow college affiliate. April - It was discovered the Global Warmists were lying about sea ice melting away. Obama sent Air Force 1 to buzz lower Manhattan, just for kicks and giggles. Benedict Arlen Specter made a principled decision to become a Democrat when polls showed he was cheese toast if he ran as a Republican. Also, the totally free market "don't you dare call them socialists" government of B. Hussein Obama completed the nationalization of General Motors, with the Government and their union allies owning 80% of the company after telling investors who had loaned the companies billions "Be gone, Running Dog parasites! The means of production belong to the workers now." In response to the predations of the Obamunists, a round of tea-parties were held to correspond with April 15th tax day. Distinguished journalists like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow giggled like fifth graders at the word "tea-bag." May -- The Progressive Left focused its rage and scorn on a person who represented the most serious threat to the American way of life in all the 233 years of the Republic's existence. I refer, of course, to Carrie Prejean; who received the kind of treatment from the mainstream media Hitler might have gotten had he been caught throwing puppies into a wood chipper. June -- It was discovered that the EPA was burying memos that said Global Warming wasn't actually happening, per se. Also, 62 year old "comedian" David Letterman took a break from molesting the interns in his Manhattan production company to make some rape jokes about Sarah Palin's daughters; because it's just so funny when 62 year old men make lecherous jokes about young teenage girls. President Barack Obama demonstrated his administration's commitment to transparency and the rule of law by firing an Inspector General who was investigating massive corruption on the part of one of M'Chel's cronies. The Iranian Regime responded to pro-democracy demonstrations by brutally cracking down on protesters, murdering some in the street, and rounding up others for summary execution. To show his concern and support for democracy, President Obama went out and bought ice cream for his dog. July --- Patriots celebrated the 4th of July with more tea parties to rouse a resistance against a president and a congress hellbent on tearing down the Republic the founding fathers fought so hard and sacrificed so much to bring into being. A West Coast blogger found a book co-authored by Obama's technology czar in which he advocated forced sterilizations and coerced abortions as a means of population control. Lefties defended him by saying, "It was the '70's." Not a reassuring defense given their moonbat messiah president's fondness for Jimmy Carter's policies. Meanwhile, crazy, lying, FoxNews personality Glenn Beck put up some crazy story about how Obama's (Ho!Ho!Ho!) Green Jobczar Van Jones was a radical communist 911 troofer. Beck was denounced as lying, insane, and dangerous. Within two weeks, Van Jones resigned in the middle of the night because ... Well, because Beck was right. Keith Olbermann demanded that Beck be fired and threatened to engage in deranged, vituperative rants on his show every night until that happened. Also, a racist Harvard professor got into a dispute with a white cop. PBO... Who would later admonish Americans not to "jump to conclusions" about a mass murdering jihadist at Fort Hood and an attempting mass-murdering jihadist in Detroit... Immediately declared in a press conference that the cop had "acted stupidly" while admitting he didn't know all the facts of the case. And, a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Geophysical Research confirmed that climate cycles are natural and Global Warming is a hoax. August -- Democrat Congresspersons heard from their constituents on the Obama-Pelosi Health Care bill. Since they didn't like what they heard, they announced that all future contact with constituents would be limited to registered members of the SEIU. The SEUI responded by beating up black people and old ladies outside townhall meetings. One especially zealous thug bit off a guy's finger. Lefties responded with, "Under ObamaCare, people who have their fingers bitten off by Union Thugs will have them sewed back on for free," leaving out the word "eventually." The infamous "Obama as Joker" poster appeared. Leftists went into apoplectic fits at this heresy against the Messiah, and pointed out that no president in history had ever been defaced in such a horrible, insulting, defamatory way. The Government began a phenomenally successful program called "Cash for Clunkers" in which perfectly serviceable automobiles were destroyed and rendered inoperable in exchange for vehicles with marginally better fuel economy at an estimated cost of $24,000 per vehicle. September --- PBO cancelled the US Missile Defense program for Eastern Europe, because he believed this show of "Smart Diplomacy" would convince Iran not to pursue its nuclear weapons program. In other news of smart diplomacy, Obama warmly welcomed Mo Qaddafi, Hugo Chavez, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad to the opening session of the UN. Not invited: The legitimate, constitutional leader of Honduras. Obama also declared the 9-11 should no longer be considered a day of remembrance, but instead a day in which the workers should offer the labors for the glory of the state. During an address to Congress, Congressman Joe Wilson responded to one of Obama's many, many lies by shouting "You lie!" The left was again outraged, and pointed out that no president had ever, ever been heckled while giving a speech to Congress before. California's farmers... driven to insolvency by a judge's edict to preserve a two inch fish... appealed to their senators to turn the water back on. The senators replied, "Sucks to be you, losers" and "Don't call me, Ma'am!" NY Times columnist David Brooks revealed that he first fell in love with Obama while staring at the crease in his pants. A deranged Keith Olberman claimed he had the largest audience in cable news. If only Neilsen would count the voices in people's heads, it might be true. Meanwhile, Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played tapes of ACORN offering to facilitate tax fraud, illegal immigration, and child prostitution. Democrats immediately demanded an investigation... of the two journalists who exposed ACORN's illegal activities. Airstrip One officially recognized environmentalism as a religion. As soon as they designate economics a superstition, the transition to leftist belief will be complete. October --- PBO was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. While admitting that he had accomplished nothing, the Nobel Committee said he deserved the award for being so "clean and articulate." When word was leaked that Rush Limbaugh might become a 2% owner in the St. Louis Rams, the progressive left MSM publicized a number of racist quotations that... um... Limbaugh never actually said. When confronted, the MSM responded, "Who are you going to believe? Us, or a racist who wanted James Earl Ray to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor." And Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played a video of Obama's Communications Director praising Chairman Mao and licking her lips like Mr. Ed going for the peanut butter. A few weeks later, she was gone. November -- Republicans handily won the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia, and lost in a three way congressional race in NY in which no Republican was running. The left pointed to this as proof that conservatism was dead, dead, dead! Also, Sarah Palin sold about two million copies of her book, Going Rogue, which drove the left absolutely insane. David Letterman was hailed as a hero for not giving into a blackmailer who threatened to reveal the fact that he had sexually harassed many female interns. The interns were allowed to keep the Palin wigs after their encounters. Also, leaked emails from Climate Scienticians proved that climate data were altered and deleted to artificially create "proof" of human-caused Global Warming. Progressive Leftists responded that the data that went into the Climate Change models were every bit as valid as the data that showed job creation under the Stimulus. December -- An enormous contingent of moonbats flew to Copehagen in a veritable air force of private jets, generating as much CO2 in a week as an African country emits in a year, to save the planet from the dire consequences of wasteful CO2 production. And just to prove He has a sense of humor, God dumped half a foot of snow on them. Senate Democrats finally passed a version of ObamaCare using last minute bribes to Senators Mary "Hello Sailor" Landrieu and Ben "Love You Long Time" Nelson. On Christmas Day, a jihadist came within seconds of detonating a bomb on an aircraft with 278 people on board. The Secretary of Homeland Security declared that the system had worked perfectly, and the TSA would avoid future near-disasters by making it illegal for passengers to leave their seats during the last hour of a flight. One year down, three to go... if we're lucky. WELFARE POEM
Submitted by: PIGster Ron I cross ocean, poor and broke, Lets send this to all Americans, so we can all be ticked off and maybe we can get the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensioners up to $2,470.00 and enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 years. AL SHARPTON BLASTS TIGER WOODS FOR LACK OF DIVERSITY
Borrowed From: Robert: http://americanandproud.net The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative effect on the black community, specifically young black girls. “Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?” Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines. Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”
LIBTARD LOGIC: "GUNS ARE "UNGOOD"
Submitted by: Just John Publishers Note: The following was lifted from Just John at Write On The Right who in turn, lifted it from Robert at American And Proud Top Ten Reasons For Gun "Control": 2.) Some .004 % (4/1000 of 1%) of guns are used in crime each year. This is way too high. All guns should be banned 3.) Guns are unnecessary. In 98% of civilian gun defenses, no shot is fired. If you are not going to fire a shot, you clearly don’t need a gun. This proves that the guns are unnecessary. Banning guns will prevent these unnecessary defenses. 5.) Most gun crimes are committed by inner city gangs and drug dealers. These relatively small and geographically restricted groups consistently commit the majority of gun crimes, which usually peak as turf wars erupt over Drug War changes. The best way to prevent this is by denying guns to all law abiding people everywhere. 6.) No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder. The Police will protect women by investigating the crime after the fact. Remember, Police paperwork is all the protection anyone really needs. 7.) Gun owners are disrespectful of authority. Good citizens should completely rely on the authorities. A failure to do so is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. Failure to completely and absolutely trust and depend on the authorities is excessive democracy, and sends a bad message to children. 9.) Children and young people should remain ignorant about guns. Real guns and real gun knowledge dissipate the fantasies created by violent video games and TV. Ignorance, once lost, can never be restored and needs to be protected. Not to mention the lost sales of all the violent movies, TV shows, video games, etc! 10.) Guns reduce people’s reliance on the Police and Government. This fosters a mistaken belief in “rights”. No person has the right to question authority. No person should be less than 100% dependent upon authority. This is fundamental to social order. Banning guns will help to establish the Order the authorities want. This is good. Gun Control – Simple Solutions for Simple Minds. A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS TALE
Submitted by: Flanders Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said. Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
IRISH RIB TICKLER
Submitted by: PIGster Michael W. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, Dugan’s, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times. ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATE
Submitted by: Trojan Man President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin. "Yes?", replied the President. "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
WHAT A PAIR!
Submitted by: PIGster King This is so bad I am only sending it out to certain people that I thought could handle it. Warning! This photo will shock you!
DEAR ABBY
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
HOW MANY FEATHERS?
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Ever wonder what the feathers in a Indians head ban stood for? A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers." The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall." Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!" The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!" "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast! NEW MATH
Submitted by: Professor Mary Jane Publisher's Note: We do not advocate the use of marijuana, except for medicinal purposes, which would include anything from broken fingernails, stubbed toes, bad hair days and chronic pains. We do, however, advocate any effective method of learning that inspires a young mind to go forth on a quest for knowledge and improve their scores - test scores.
THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY Submitted by: PFO • I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. • Do you think my hair is too big? • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • The tires on that truck are too big. • I've got it all on a floppy disk. • Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? • Damned if that polititian ain't honest! • We're vegetarians. • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. • You can't feed that to the dog. • Trim the fat off that steak. • I just love the Opera • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. • Wrasslin's fake. BLACK FRIDAY DEATHSPORT RULES
Submitted by: PFO
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays Ingredients: Heat oven to 350 degrees Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes. If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit!
THE ITALIAN GOLFER FROM NEW JERSEY
Submitted by: PIGster King A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f--- can't they play at night?” WIPERS
Submitted By: T-Cro I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot). I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working. Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work. They were outrageously expensive (being French), but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great. Let me know if you would like a pair for your car Impressive design, elegant hardware, although I have some reservations about the washer option.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
Submitted By: PIGster G For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Submitted by: One Spooky PIGster
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again. 8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it 6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months. 4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging. 1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from. 2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile. 3. One usually makes a better pie. 4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you! 5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face. 6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out. 7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with. 8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!" GIRLIEMAN GOVERNOR GROWS SOME GONADS
Submitted by: PFO
The following was lifted from Wired.com: Schwarzenegger Flips Off Lawmakers In Hidden Message California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ticked off. He’s tired of signing bills that don’t address the pet causes he deems important. So when another unworthy bill crossed his desk recently for signing — addressing funding issues for the Port of San Francisco — the guv vetoed it and sent lawmakers a little note saying why. Only the note said a little more than lawmakers were expecting. Buried in the text was a hidden message directed at State Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, author of the bill, according to the San Francisco Bay Guardian. Ammiano had strongly criticized the governor in early October and reportedly told Schwarzenegger at the time to “kiss my gay ass.” Schwarzenegger’s veto letter, issued a couple of days later, reads:
MORE RUSTIC HUMOR
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, THE RENECK MAGIC ELEVATOR
Submitted By: Billy Joe, Jethro, Uncle Jed, Cletus, Clem and Pa Kettle A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" the boy asked. "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" replied the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde. The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !
Costume Of The Year Uncovered From: Various News Sources The following tid-bit has come to our attention. It seems that retail giant, Target was strong-armed into pulling an illegal alien Halloween costume after getting some complaints and pressure from immigrant right's groups. Don't know why "immigrant rights" groups would want to fend for ILLEGAL ALIENS, but never fear, the costume, below, can be purchased elsewhere for your Halloween fun.
Here's where to order yours: http://www.amazon.com Happy Halloween and be sure to carry proof of citizenship while wearing this costume. SIGNS
Submitted by: Cisco Kid
One Nation Under...?
Submitted by: Bryan W. Publisher's Note: The painting below, titled "One Nation Under God" was executed by artist Jon McNaughton. In the link below, he explains what each figure symbolizes. Whether you agree with his views or not, we applaud a non-limp wristed artist for standing his ground.
Here is a link describing his painting: http://connect2utah.com/content/video/?cid=55442 Here is a link to his website: http://www.mcnaughtonart.com/ Should anyone purchase one of his paintings as a result of visiting The F.S.O.P., please alert us. We will send Mr. McNaughton a letter requesting a commision check that helped generate his income. Sidewalk Sounds And Suds
Submitted by: Skyeye Leave it to longtime PIGster Skyeye to come up with something of this nature. Use your imagination as to what these two parched, musically inclined fellows really want.
Riddle for the Day
Submitted By: PIGster Antoine Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.
Who was saved? AMERICA
New Cooking Gear
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Are You Ready To Show Your American, Uh, Pride?
Submitted by: PIGster Bryan Move over Tea Party patriots. Step aside Town Hall terrorizers in Brooks Brothers suits. It’s time for REAL Americans to show what they’re made of...on - TA DA... Walk Naked in America Day Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America! Why Beer Is Better Than Obama
Submitted By: A Very Thirsty PIGster
Beer is better than Obama because sailors like beer. Beer is better than Obama because marines like beer. Beer is better than Obama because you know what's in beer. Beer is better than Obama because beer won't take half your paycheck. Beer is better than Obama because beer makes life a little better. Beer is better than Obama because you're sad if there's no more beer. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't lie. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't have entitlement demands. Beer is better than Obama because beer and whine don't mix. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth. Beer is better than Obama because imported beer doesn’t pretend to be domestic. Beer is better than Obama because beer is GREEN only on St. Patrick’s Day. Beer is better than Obama because beer is better than Vichy Water. Beer is better than Obama because beer is unpretentious. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't promise you a free lunch. Beer is better than Obama because beer won’t throw you under the bus. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't cut and run. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't phony. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't flip-flop. Beer is better than Obama because beer’s ingredients known for sure. Beer is better than Obama because beer makes people happy. Beer is better than Obama because beer is as American as apple pie. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't promoted on National Public Radio. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't mind if you own an SUV. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't care how much you make. Beer is better than Obama because a beer won't blame America for 9/11. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't a lawyer. Beer is better than Obama because beer comes with an expiration date. Beer is better than Obama because beers don't have friends who bombed the pentagon. Beer is better than Obama because an empty beer is better than an empty suit. Beer is better than Obama because beer minds its own business. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't tell you what you want to hear. Beer is better than Obama because beer is worth what you pay for it. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't care what color you are. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't want to take away your gun. Beer is better than Obama because beer is popular with working people. Beer is better than Obama because beers don't start out as empties. Beer wants to make you sociable; Obama wants to make you socialist. Submitted By: A Fallen Trojan A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist. Cans of Whup-Ass To Get Warning LabelSubmitted by: PIGster J. WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Food and Drug Administration announced today that new regulations will require the use of safety warning labels on all domestically-produced cans of whup-ass. These labels will remind users that contents are under pressure and that use of whup ass can result in retaliatory beatings. Long the subject of jurisdictional debate between the FDA and the Federal Trade Commission, whup-ass regulation continues to be discussed behind closed doors, where both sides reportedly are opening cans of newly labeled, Texas-sized whup-ass on each other.
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© Copyright 1993-2012 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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It just hit me!
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each. 
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. 
- 
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA – Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.
Item#1: Holy Shit!!! 
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. 
1.) Guns are used in self-defense over 2 million times a year. However, this makes the attempted crime a “non-event,” which necessarily complicates the Police investigation. Without civilian ownership of guns, these Police investigations would not have been compromised. Civilians should leave crime prevention to the Police, who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime’s completion. 
4.) Guns cause criminal migration. In tough gun-law Washington, D. C., violent crime rates are very high. This high crime rate is caused by the migration of criminals from gun havens like Virginia. This migration is caused by the criminal’s cowardly avoidance of armed householders and concealed-carry civilians. This criminal migration is detrimental to helpless unarmed citizens in no-gun areas and must be stopped. Guns should be banned everywhere. 
8.) Gun owners engaging in self-defense are taking the law into their own hands. This is wrong. Only the Police and Criminals have the right to take the law into their own hands. It should be kept out of the hands of citizens. 
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex
Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men
Halloween Party
When it comes to some serious bill proposal termination, California's Action Hero Governor shows he's actually got a sense of humor and some nads when it comes to bills he vetoes that reach his desk.
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