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We found them too good not to publish.
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Submitted by: Cisco Kid
MINORITIES Submitted by: A Patriotic PIGster We need to show more sympathy for these people. They travel miles in the heat. They risk their lives crossing a border. They don't get paid enough wages. They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do. They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language. They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day - every day. I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans - I'm talking about our troops!
Submitted by: Flanders This financial crisis is forcing California to make some tough decisions.
There's a real risk we may have to lay off Jose. PUCKER UPSubmitted by: P. T. Barnum LADY SELLING Lemonade on the Beach
ELECTRIFYING ENLIGHTENMENT Submitted by: Don’t Tase Me, Bro Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! Submitted by: Some Know It All One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike …. 'My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor.' Submitted by: PIGster Rod F. I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ………… “Got stoned once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."BS BINGO! Submitted by: Some Pooper You’ve seen the card, but finally someone has explained the directions to you! This works quite well. Tried it yesterday with press conference on oil spill. Did not get BINGO, but came close.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD Submitted by: One Pissed Off PIGster The "America Sucks" attitude is alive and well on Filmore Street in Medford, Oregon, as seen in this photo taken by PIGster J-Cro.
Remember, that's Filmore Street, Medford, Oregon. COURTROOM BOMBSHELLSubmitted by: Some Seafaring Gangbanger
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein.” The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted. “We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said. The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.” In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law. “There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said. “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied. SOMETHING'S FISHYSubmitted by: Don’t Ask No Sir Officer, We've Only Been Fishing... Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe. This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. Submitted by: Praise The Lord Posted by: Pass The Ammo For those of you who don't live in Alabama, and think we are a bunch of uncivilized ruffians - well, it's simply NOT TRUE!
A BABY-K FRIDAY DOUBLEHEADER Submitted by: A Rational Dude Named K-Mart Were you aware of the fact that just recently in Portland, OR a man, down on his luck, having lost his savings, home, retirement, cars, family and even the loyalty of his beloved canine best friend has remained ever faithful, praying that Obama would miraculously As it turns out, after the marshals forcefully evicted him from his home of 25 years, he left with the only important documents he still possessed, i.e., a roll of toilet paper. After many cold nights praying and suffering he was finally rewarded with a most divine message clearly sent from the Messiah himself, Barack Obama! Being homeless and ever hungry, the man squatted in some nearby bushes to relieve himself of what he thought was pretty damned close to nothing, i.e., his last paltry meal. His persistent, pious faith paid off in the fact that he experienced the most joyful, productive, heaven-sent bowel movement that he had ever known. Even more exciting was the fact that he experienced an Obamiphany!! Miraculously, the man was rewarded with a vision of Obama's smiling face in one of the turds compromising this pile of shit of antediluvean magnitude. But wait, it doesn't end there.The man had clearly won Obama's favor, for not only was he rewarded with this miraculous apparition of Obama himself but he was also able to What a blessing, he thought. News of this miracle spread quickly, and the man was contacted by officials from the local catholic parish, who are investigating the circumstances surrounding the country's biggest pile of shit to determine the veracity of this man's claims. So much for reports of the Mexican faithful finding the image of the Virgin Mary in a tortilla. Item #2: Dawgs At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and expect me to feel guilty because they are dogs. "My dogs get their first checks Friday!" Submitted by: Some Puppy Lover An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. Submitted by: Some Sentimental Slob Posted by: Over Easy Trying to channel our elusive, sensitive, side, we’re taking a brief timeout to deal with a very sensitive subject. It’s a very touching story about life and death It’s about friendship and loss. Fair warning, you’ll need a hanky or two for this one. It’s certain to stir up your heart. It will leave an indelible mark on your soul.
Submitted by: A Rational Dem To Pee or Not to Pee Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem). What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work. Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"! Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country - AND SOON! P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too! THE DEVIL MADE US POST THIS!Submitted by: Some Horny Devil Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT GRANDPA & TECHNOLOGYSubmitted by: Some Victim of Technological Terrorism Posted by: Some Technological Neanderthal One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time. Submitted by: Some Smartass Posted by: Some Dumbass The Questions:
The Answers:
Source: PIGster Redneck Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Submitted By: Some Wishful Thinker Posted By: Saving My Pennies The new Ferrari "458 Italia" .. This is what it looks like!
And This Is What It Does..
Any questions? Where do I order mine??? WHAT'S IN A NAME?Submitted by: Cisco Kid All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! 2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com/ 3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island'. 4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: http://www.therapistfinder.com/ Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER Submitted by: PIGster King Posted by: Hambo Two Different Versions... ......... .... Two Different Morals The The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome " . Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper. The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010 !! THAT MAGIC MOMENTSubmitted by: PIGster Redneck In the following pictures you see people with very strong facial expressions. Can you identify what is happening?
THEY'RE ALL GETTING READY TO SNEEZE!! What did you think it was, mind in the gutter Sparky?
THE WIT AND WISDOM OF ARTIE LANGE
Submitted by: Foster's Lager
Artie Lange is one of MADTV's original cast members who went on to not only Hollywood and The Howard Stern Radio show, but also gained noteriety as a gluttonous, all-nighter type who shoots first with his wit, and doesn't bother to ask questions later. Howard Stern: "Brad Pitt doesn't have a brain in his head." Artie Lange: "It is great doing a talk show with Nicole Ritchi." Artie Lange (Sam McKenna): "You thinking what I'm thinking? Artie Lange: "I am fine now, I have never felt better in my life." THE FRAUD FROM ABROAD'S HOPE AND CHANGE
IRISH RIB TICKLER Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Let's take a quick look back at the first year in the new era of Hope and Change, shall we? January - The Moonbat Messiah was inaugurated before a crowd that made rude chants at the departing President Bush and completely and utterly trashed the National Mall. And that was just the news media. The Moonbat Messiah immediately began filling his cabinet with tax cheats, dirty lawyers, radical communists, and eugenicists. One of his first acts was to sign a $787 Billion "Stimulus" package that promised to restore the USA to economic prosperity by the fall. February - Obama's EPA began laying the groundwork to declare all human activity subject to Government regulation, via the human capacity for CO2 production, which the EPA designated a deadly gas despite the fact that plants need it to survive. The right-wing began to make jokes about Obama's Teleprompter dependency. It would be eight months before the left would do the same. March - The Green Left designated polar bears the official iconic megafauna of the Global Warming Hoax, using a picture of some bears on an ice floe to claim that the big white beasts were facing extinction (when, in the real world, their numbers are increasing.) Lady M'Chel put in an appearance at soup kitchen and showed off her $540 kicks. Obama also rewarded his friends in Hamas with $900 Million in taxpayer dollars to thank them for their incessant rocket attacks against Israel. Oh, and Keith Olbermann pitched a snit fit when Ann Coulter revealed that his prized Cornell degree actually came from Cornell's cow college affiliate. April - It was discovered the Global Warmists were lying about sea ice melting away. Obama sent Air Force 1 to buzz lower Manhattan, just for kicks and giggles. Benedict Arlen Specter made a principled decision to become a Democrat when polls showed he was cheese toast if he ran as a Republican. Also, the totally free market "don't you dare call them socialists" government of B. Hussein Obama completed the nationalization of General Motors, with the Government and their union allies owning 80% of the company after telling investors who had loaned the companies billions "Be gone, Running Dog parasites! The means of production belong to the workers now." In response to the predations of the Obamunists, a round of tea-parties were held to correspond with April 15th tax day. Distinguished journalists like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow giggled like fifth graders at the word "tea-bag." May -- The Progressive Left focused its rage and scorn on a person who represented the most serious threat to the American way of life in all the 233 years of the Republic's existence. I refer, of course, to Carrie Prejean; who received the kind of treatment from the mainstream media Hitler might have gotten had he been caught throwing puppies into a wood chipper. June -- It was discovered that the EPA was burying memos that said Global Warming wasn't actually happening, per se. Also, 62 year old "comedian" David Letterman took a break from molesting the interns in his Manhattan production company to make some rape jokes about Sarah Palin's daughters; because it's just so funny when 62 year old men make lecherous jokes about young teenage girls. President Barack Obama demonstrated his administration's commitment to transparency and the rule of law by firing an Inspector General who was investigating massive corruption on the part of one of M'Chel's cronies. The Iranian Regime responded to pro-democracy demonstrations by brutally cracking down on protesters, murdering some in the street, and rounding up others for summary execution. To show his concern and support for democracy, President Obama went out and bought ice cream for his dog. July --- Patriots celebrated the 4th of July with more tea parties to rouse a resistance against a president and a congress hellbent on tearing down the Republic the founding fathers fought so hard and sacrificed so much to bring into being. A West Coast blogger found a book co-authored by Obama's technology czar in which he advocated forced sterilizations and coerced abortions as a means of population control. Lefties defended him by saying, "It was the '70's." Not a reassuring defense given their moonbat messiah president's fondness for Jimmy Carter's policies. Meanwhile, crazy, lying, FoxNews personality Glenn Beck put up some crazy story about how Obama's (Ho!Ho!Ho!) Green Jobczar Van Jones was a radical communist 911 troofer. Beck was denounced as lying, insane, and dangerous. Within two weeks, Van Jones resigned in the middle of the night because ... Well, because Beck was right. Keith Olbermann demanded that Beck be fired and threatened to engage in deranged, vituperative rants on his show every night until that happened. Also, a racist Harvard professor got into a dispute with a white cop. PBO... Who would later admonish Americans not to "jump to conclusions" about a mass murdering jihadist at Fort Hood and an attempting mass-murdering jihadist in Detroit... Immediately declared in a press conference that the cop had "acted stupidly" while admitting he didn't know all the facts of the case. And, a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Geophysical Research confirmed that climate cycles are natural and Global Warming is a hoax. August -- Democrat Congresspersons heard from their constituents on the Obama-Pelosi Health Care bill. Since they didn't like what they heard, they announced that all future contact with constituents would be limited to registered members of the SEIU. The SEUI responded by beating up black people and old ladies outside townhall meetings. One especially zealous thug bit off a guy's finger. Lefties responded with, "Under ObamaCare, people who have their fingers bitten off by Union Thugs will have them sewed back on for free," leaving out the word "eventually." The infamous "Obama as Joker" poster appeared. Leftists went into apoplectic fits at this heresy against the Messiah, and pointed out that no president in history had ever been defaced in such a horrible, insulting, defamatory way. The Government began a phenomenally successful program called "Cash for Clunkers" in which perfectly serviceable automobiles were destroyed and rendered inoperable in exchange for vehicles with marginally better fuel economy at an estimated cost of $24,000 per vehicle. September --- PBO cancelled the US Missile Defense program for Eastern Europe, because he believed this show of "Smart Diplomacy" would convince Iran not to pursue its nuclear weapons program. In other news of smart diplomacy, Obama warmly welcomed Mo Qaddafi, Hugo Chavez, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad to the opening session of the UN. Not invited: The legitimate, constitutional leader of Honduras. Obama also declared the 9-11 should no longer be considered a day of remembrance, but instead a day in which the workers should offer the labors for the glory of the state. During an address to Congress, Congressman Joe Wilson responded to one of Obama's many, many lies by shouting "You lie!" The left was again outraged, and pointed out that no president had ever, ever been heckled while giving a speech to Congress before. California's farmers... driven to insolvency by a judge's edict to preserve a two inch fish... appealed to their senators to turn the water back on. The senators replied, "Sucks to be you, losers" and "Don't call me, Ma'am!" NY Times columnist David Brooks revealed that he first fell in love with Obama while staring at the crease in his pants. A deranged Keith Olberman claimed he had the largest audience in cable news. If only Neilsen would count the voices in people's heads, it might be true. Meanwhile, Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played tapes of ACORN offering to facilitate tax fraud, illegal immigration, and child prostitution. Democrats immediately demanded an investigation... of the two journalists who exposed ACORN's illegal activities. Airstrip One officially recognized environmentalism as a religion. As soon as they designate economics a superstition, the transition to leftist belief will be complete. October --- PBO was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. While admitting that he had accomplished nothing, the Nobel Committee said he deserved the award for being so "clean and articulate." When word was leaked that Rush Limbaugh might become a 2% owner in the St. Louis Rams, the progressive left MSM publicized a number of racist quotations that... um... Limbaugh never actually said. When confronted, the MSM responded, "Who are you going to believe? Us, or a racist who wanted James Earl Ray to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor." And Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played a video of Obama's Communications Director praising Chairman Mao and licking her lips like Mr. Ed going for the peanut butter. A few weeks later, she was gone. November -- Republicans handily won the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia, and lost in a three way congressional race in NY in which no Republican was running. The left pointed to this as proof that conservatism was dead, dead, dead! Also, Sarah Palin sold about two million copies of her book, Going Rogue, which drove the left absolutely insane. David Letterman was hailed as a hero for not giving into a blackmailer who threatened to reveal the fact that he had sexually harassed many female interns. The interns were allowed to keep the Palin wigs after their encounters. Also, leaked emails from Climate Scienticians proved that climate data were altered and deleted to artificially create "proof" of human-caused Global Warming. Progressive Leftists responded that the data that went into the Climate Change models were every bit as valid as the data that showed job creation under the Stimulus. December -- An enormous contingent of moonbats flew to Copehagen in a veritable air force of private jets, generating as much CO2 in a week as an African country emits in a year, to save the planet from the dire consequences of wasteful CO2 production. And just to prove He has a sense of humor, God dumped half a foot of snow on them. Senate Democrats finally passed a version of ObamaCare using last minute bribes to Senators Mary "Hello Sailor" Landrieu and Ben "Love You Long Time" Nelson. On Christmas Day, a jihadist came within seconds of detonating a bomb on an aircraft with 278 people on board. The Secretary of Homeland Security declared that the system had worked perfectly, and the TSA would avoid future near-disasters by making it illegal for passengers to leave their seats during the last hour of a flight. One year down, three to go... if we're lucky. WELFARE POEMSubmitted by: PIGster Ron I cross ocean, poor and broke, Lets send this to all Americans, so we can all be ticked off and maybe we can get the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensioners up to $2,470.00 and enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 years. Borrowed From: Robert: http://americanandproud.net The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative effect on the black community, specifically young black girls. “Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?” Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines. Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.” LIBTARD LOGIC: "GUNS ARE "UNGOOD" Submitted by: Just John Publishers Note: The following was lifted from Just John at Write On The Right who in turn, lifted it from Robert at American And Proud Top Ten Reasons For Gun "Control": 2.) Some .004 % (4/1000 of 1%) of guns are used in crime each year. This is way too high. All guns should be banned 3.) Guns are unnecessary. In 98% of civilian gun defenses, no shot is fired. If you are not going to fire a shot, you clearly don’t need a gun. This proves that the guns are unnecessary. Banning guns will prevent these unnecessary defenses. 5.) Most gun crimes are committed by inner city gangs and drug dealers. These relatively small and geographically restricted groups consistently commit the majority of gun crimes, which usually peak as turf wars erupt over Drug War changes. The best way to prevent this is by denying guns to all law abiding people everywhere. 6.) No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder. The Police will protect women by investigating the crime after the fact. Remember, Police paperwork is all the protection anyone really needs. 7.) Gun owners are disrespectful of authority. Good citizens should completely rely on the authorities. A failure to do so is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. Failure to completely and absolutely trust and depend on the authorities is excessive democracy, and sends a bad message to children. 9.) Children and young people should remain ignorant about guns. Real guns and real gun knowledge dissipate the fantasies created by violent video games and TV. Ignorance, once lost, can never be restored and needs to be protected. Not to mention the lost sales of all the violent movies, TV shows, video games, etc! 10.) Guns reduce people’s reliance on the Police and Government. This fosters a mistaken belief in “rights”. No person has the right to question authority. No person should be less than 100% dependent upon authority. This is fundamental to social order. Banning guns will help to establish the Order the authorities want. This is good. Gun Control – Simple Solutions for Simple Minds. A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS TALESubmitted by: Flanders Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said. Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Submitted by: PIGster Michael W. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, Dugan’s, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times. ON A PRESSING MATTER OF STATESubmitted by: Trojan Man President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin. "Yes?", replied the President. "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one." WHAT A PAIR! Submitted by: PIGster King This is so bad I am only sending it out to certain people that I thought could handle it. Warning! This photo will shock you!
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Ever wonder what the feathers in a Indians head ban stood for? A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers." The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall." Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!" The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!" "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast! NEW MATHSubmitted by: Professor Mary Jane Publisher's Note: We do not advocate the use of marijuana, except for medicinal purposes, which would include anything from broken fingernails, stubbed toes, bad hair days and chronic pains. We do, however, advocate any effective method of learning that inspires a young mind to go forth on a quest for knowledge and improve their scores - test scores.
THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY Submitted by: PFO • I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. • Do you think my hair is too big? • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • The tires on that truck are too big. • I've got it all on a floppy disk. • Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? • Damned if that polititian ain't honest! • We're vegetarians. • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. • You can't feed that to the dog. • Trim the fat off that steak. • I just love the Opera • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. • Wrasslin's fake. BLACK FRIDAY DEATHSPORT RULESSubmitted by: PFO
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays Ingredients: Heat oven to 350 degrees Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes. If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit!
Submitted by: PIGster King A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f--- can't they play at night?” WIPERSSubmitted By: T-Cro I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot). I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working. Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work. They were outrageously expensive (being French), but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great. Let me know if you would like a pair for your car Impressive design, elegant hardware, although I have some reservations about the washer option.
Submitted By: PIGster G For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, Submitted by: One Spooky PIGster
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again. 8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it 6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months. 4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging. 1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from. 2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile. 3. One usually makes a better pie. 4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you! 5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face. 6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out. 7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with. 8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!" GIRLIEMAN GOVERNOR GROWS SOME GONADSSubmitted by: PFO
The following was lifted from Wired.com: Schwarzenegger Flips Off Lawmakers In Hidden Message California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ticked off. He’s tired of signing bills that don’t address the pet causes he deems important. So when another unworthy bill crossed his desk recently for signing — addressing funding issues for the Port of San Francisco — the guv vetoed it and sent lawmakers a little note saying why. Only the note said a little more than lawmakers were expecting. Buried in the text was a hidden message directed at State Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, author of the bill, according to the San Francisco Bay Guardian. Ammiano had strongly criticized the governor in early October and reportedly told Schwarzenegger at the time to “kiss my gay ass.” Schwarzenegger’s veto letter, issued a couple of days later, reads:
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Submitted By: Billy Joe, Jethro, Uncle Jed, Cletus, Clem and Pa Kettle A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" the boy asked. "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" replied the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde. The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !Costume Of The Year Uncovered From: Various News Sources The following tid-bit has come to our attention. It seems that retail giant, Target was strong-armed into pulling an illegal alien Halloween costume after getting some complaints and pressure from immigrant right's groups. Don't know why "immigrant rights" groups would want to fend for ILLEGAL ALIENS, but never fear, the costume, below, can be purchased elsewhere for your Halloween fun.
Here's where to order yours: http://www.amazon.com Happy Halloween and be sure to carry proof of citizenship while wearing this costume. SignsSubmitted by: Cisco Kid
Submitted by: Bryan W. Publisher's Note: The painting below, titled "One Nation Under God" was executed by artist Jon McNaughton. In the link below, he explains what each figure symbolizes. Whether you agree with his views or not, we applaud a non-limp wristed artist for standing his ground.
Here is a link describing his painting: http://connect2utah.com/content/video/?cid=55442 Here is a link to his website: http://www.mcnaughtonart.com/ Should anyone purchase one of his paintings as a result of visiting The F.S.O.P., please alert us. We will send Mr. McNaughton a letter requesting a commision check that helped generate his income. Sidewalk Sounds And SudsSubmitted by: Skyeye Leave it to longtime PIGster Skyeye to come up with something of this nature. Use your imagination as to what these two parched, musically inclined fellows really want.
Submitted By: PIGster Antoine Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.
Who was saved? AMERICA New Cooking Gear Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Submitted by: PIGster Bryan Move over Tea Party patriots. Step aside Town Hall terrorizers in Brooks Brothers suits. It’s time for REAL Americans to show what they’re made of...on - TA DA... Walk Naked in America Day Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America! Why Beer Is Better Than ObamaSubmitted By: A Very Thirsty PIGster
Beer is better than Obama because sailors like beer. Beer is better than Obama because marines like beer. Beer is better than Obama because you know what's in beer. Beer is better than Obama because beer won't take half your paycheck. Beer is better than Obama because beer makes life a little better. Beer is better than Obama because you're sad if there's no more beer. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't lie. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't have entitlement demands. Beer is better than Obama because beer and whine don't mix. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth. Beer is better than Obama because imported beer doesn’t pretend to be domestic. Beer is better than Obama because beer is GREEN only on St. Patrick’s Day. Beer is better than Obama because beer is better than Vichy Water. Beer is better than Obama because beer is unpretentious. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't promise you a free lunch. Beer is better than Obama because beer won’t throw you under the bus. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't cut and run. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't phony. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't flip-flop. Beer is better than Obama because beer’s ingredients known for sure. Beer is better than Obama because beer makes people happy. Beer is better than Obama because beer is as American as apple pie. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't promoted on National Public Radio. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't mind if you own an SUV. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't care how much you make. Beer is better than Obama because a beer won't blame America for 9/11. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. Beer is better than Obama because beer isn't a lawyer. Beer is better than Obama because beer comes with an expiration date. Beer is better than Obama because beers don't have friends who bombed the pentagon. Beer is better than Obama because an empty beer is better than an empty suit. Beer is better than Obama because beer minds its own business. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't tell you what you want to hear. Beer is better than Obama because beer is worth what you pay for it. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't care what color you are. Beer is better than Obama because beer doesn't want to take away your gun. Beer is better than Obama because beer is popular with working people. Beer is better than Obama because beers don't start out as empties. Beer wants to make you sociable; Obama wants to make you socialist. Submitted By: A Fallen Trojan A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist. Cans of Whup-Ass To Get Warning LabelSubmitted by: PIGster J. WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Food and Drug Administration announced today that new regulations will require the use of safety warning labels on all domestically-produced cans of whup-ass. These labels will remind users that contents are under pressure and that use of whup ass can result in retaliatory beatings. Long the subject of jurisdictional debate between the FDA and the Federal Trade Commission, whup-ass regulation continues to be discussed behind closed doors, where both sides reportedly are opening cans of newly labeled, Texas-sized whup-ass on each other.
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NORFOLK, VIRGINIA – Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.
Item#1: Holy Shit!!! 
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. 
1.) Guns are used in self-defense over 2 million times a year. However, this makes the attempted crime a “non-event,” which necessarily complicates the Police investigation. Without civilian ownership of guns, these Police investigations would not have been compromised. Civilians should leave crime prevention to the Police, who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime’s completion. 
4.) Guns cause criminal migration. In tough gun-law Washington, D. C., violent crime rates are very high. This high crime rate is caused by the migration of criminals from gun havens like Virginia. This migration is caused by the criminal’s cowardly avoidance of armed householders and concealed-carry civilians. This criminal migration is detrimental to helpless unarmed citizens in no-gun areas and must be stopped. Guns should be banned everywhere. 
8.) Gun owners engaging in self-defense are taking the law into their own hands. This is wrong. Only the Police and Criminals have the right to take the law into their own hands. It should be kept out of the hands of citizens. 
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex
Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men
Halloween Party
When it comes to some serious bill proposal termination, California's Action Hero Governor shows he's actually got a sense of humor and some nads when it comes to bills he vetoes that reach his desk.
Beer is better than Obama because soldiers like beer.
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