HARSH YOU SAY...??
There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools,
no special ballots for elections, and all government business
will be conducted in our language.
2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote, no matter how long they are here.
3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.
Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare,
no food stamps, no health care, nor any other government assistance
5. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must
be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay,
BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed to own waterfront
property. That property is reserved for citizens naturally born
into this country.
7. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no
waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing
our president or his policies. If you do you will be sent home.
If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted
down and sent straight to jail.
above laws happen to be the immigration laws of " MEXICO " !
Hey, it seems to me if it's good enough for them it should be
good enough for us.
A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
And that my friends ... is Confidence.
Onions And Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
Bob: "Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?"
Jim: "You mean the Mexican gun running?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the Fort Hood shooting?"
Bob: "No the other one."
Jim: "You mean the one where Obama changed the Rules of Engagement for our warriors?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the 'green energy' joke?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the National Labor Relations Board mess?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean SEAL Team VI Extortion 17?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The State Dept. lying about Benghazi?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean massive voter fraud?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president demoralizing and breaking down the military?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the Boston Bombing?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president wanting to kill Americans with drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, e-mails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one"
Jim: "The State Dept. interfering with an IG investigation on dept. sexual misconduct?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "HHS employees being given insider information on Medicare Advantage?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Clinton, the IRS, Clapper & Holder all lying to Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "I give up! Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-info voters stuck us again with the most corrupt administration in American history?"
Bob: "THAT'S THE ONE!"
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women.
1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
Murphy's Other Laws Amended
The Original Murphy's Laws:
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
You will always find something in the last place you look.
No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
The other line always moves faster.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.
If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know t he difference.
Murphy's Other 15 Laws:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting somethingright, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT HUMOR
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
* * *
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
* * *
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.?
* * *
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
* * *
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
* * *
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
* * *
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
* * *
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
* * *
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
* * *
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 40,000 flippin' Muslims have added me as a friend!
* * *
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
* * *
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
THE WINE TASTER
At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular Taster died, and the Director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Computer Scientist, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position.
The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
The old 'troller' tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the Director. " another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at fifty-eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct, a third glass."
He calmly said, "It's a Pinot blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive, not quite cold enough."
The Director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The 'troller tried it.
'It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow is travelling through,' said the farmer. 'and needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straightup to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine and took it out to the barn.
She, too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned the visitor was gone she burst into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye?,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?', shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man who, by now, was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
An American, age 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour & explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights & occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads & have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... No pubs, no stores, no restaurants & worst of all ... No public toilets.
He really, really has to go, after supping all that Guinness & all the trouble with his prostate.
Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings & decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Anywhere you want."
Ralph enters & finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself & is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"
"No sir," replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
* * *
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops ... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
* * *
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus, a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."
* * *
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
* * *
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot."
* * *
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
* * *
A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
* * *
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
* * *
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
* * *
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "I-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.
* * *
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.
* * *
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
THE POLISH DIVORCE
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: Polish Remover.
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.
Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!"
SPELLING IT OUT
BRIT'S SPECIAL HARRIER JETS FLY-BY 'SALUTE' TO OBAMA
I'll BET YOU A $100 to a nickel... he never noticed what the position of the aircraft were spelling ... until one of his aides told him. Way to go Brits... love it
In case Obama didn't understand how the Brits felt when he sent the bust of Churchill back to England, a gift from the English during the Bush administration. These pilots have not forgotten Obama's disrespect for America 's friend and ally.
You have to look really close it spells out 2 words. Harrier jets fly past special salute to Obama to a select few.
Enjoy the Brits humor on Obama's last visit. They will never forget nor forgive! The Brits may be prim and proper but they still get their point across.
Harrier jets' fly past (fly-bys) over Downing Street in a air show salute to Obama.
It's good to see the RAF have a sense of humor. Look at it from an angle or lean back in your chair, and squint; squinting works best.
A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.
After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.
"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"
The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"
"Because I have shit running up my neck!"
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND patient with "Obama Care" sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'
'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
'TIS BETTER TO GIVE?
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
GETTING A SPEEDING TICKET
The man took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and went even faster. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man as he tromped on the accelerator and flew down the road at over 110 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the shiny new Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go. The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
A GREEN DAY PACKER QUESTION
Last year after the Packers/Bills game (which Buffalo lost), Buffalo released their quarterback Trent Edwards.
During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.
After the Packers/Cowboys game (which Dallas lost), Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff.
After the Packers/Vikings game (you guessed it), Minnesota fired Brad Childress and most of his staff.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary and most of his staff were fired and replaced.
During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Question: Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and said in a quiet voice, "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they've been used."
A SEX TWOFER
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Seven Kinds Of Sex....
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ...
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.
An elderly man really took care of his body... He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his willy. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'
The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?'
The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
'Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.'
"My house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry. My watchdog 'Killer' did not alert me at all, and for this reason I am giving him away.
"I no longer want a dog. I'm installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They're cheaper to maintain and more reliable. For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently. Killer is fun to hang out with but otherwise pretty useless.
"A photo of Killer is included below."
A Norwegian Beerhound.......you can tell this is a pure breed.
THE FOUR CATS
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet ...
Ate the cookies.
Drank the milk.
Sh*t on the paper.
Screwed the other three cats.
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
Put in for Workers Compensation ... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!
Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time. They decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist. Dr. Jones was the proctologist.
They put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics." ... No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." ... thumbs down again.
Then came: "Minds and Behinds." ... still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." ... unacceptable yet again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." ... not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts"? ... no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks"? ... still no good.
"Loons and Moons"? ... forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
FOR THE TECHNICALLY INCLINED
New SI units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who just called me 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "Well you know, if it makes you feel more comfortable, I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to get lost.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
* * *
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
* * *
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
* * *
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
* * *
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
* * *
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
* * *
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
* * *
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm OK But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
* * *
The grave side service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
THE REAL FIGHTER PILOT
As seen by Himself:
An incredibly intelligent, tall, handsome, innovative, and highly trained professional killer. Idol to countless females, and gentleman adventurer, who wears a star sapphire ring, carries a hair-trigger .45 auto in a specially designed, hand-made quick draw holster along with his trusty Demo knife, who is always on time thanks to his ability to obtain immediate transportation and the reliability of his Rolex watch.
As seen by his Wife:
A disreputable member of the family who comes home once a year all bruised up driving a stolen jeep up to the back door carrying a B-4 bag full of dirty laundry with a hard-on showing through his stained flight suit, smelling of stale booze and JP-4, wearing a huge watch, a fake ring, and that damn ugly beat-up pistol in that stupid holster, who will three months later go out the front door, thankfully for another year.
As seen by his Commander:
A fine specimen of a drunken, brawling, jeep stealing, woman corrupting liar, with a star sapphire ring, fantastically accurate Rolex watch, an unauthorized .45 in a non-regulation shoulder holster, and trusty Demo knife.
As seen by Wing Headquarters:
The embodiment of a drunken, brawling, jeep stealing, woman corrupting, lying, zipper-suited Sun God, with a ring, a proscribed 1911A1 in a non-regulation shoulder holster, a Rolex watch, who for some reason carries a Demo knife.
As seen by The DoD:
An overpaid, rule-ignoring, over-ranked tax burden, who is unfortunately totally indispensable simply because he has volunteered to go anywhere, and do anything, at any time, only so long as he can booze it up, brawl, steal jeeps, corrupt women, lie, and wear a star sapphire ring, Rolex watch and carry an obsolete hand gun and a Demo knife.
As seen by the Enemy:
The implacable face of Death
BOB & THE BLONDE
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
PIGISH SAFETY TIP
Today’s safety tip shows you how to correctly hold on in a moving train.
You’ll see it clearly illustrated in this image.
Get your mind out of the gutter, Sparky. We’re talking about the old guy by the door!!!! What the hell is on your dirty mind?
I really worry about you sometimes!
A WEEK'S WORTH OF HUMOR
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like crap this morning."
WORKS EVERY TIME
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my great weekend!'
See ... Not All Seniors Are Senile
JAILS AND NURSING HOMES
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. This would correct two things in one motion.
* Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
* They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
* They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
* They would have constant video monitoring so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.
* Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
* A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
* All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
* They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
* They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education, and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized artists.
* Simple clothing, i.e., shoes, slippers, pj's, and legal aid would be free, upon request.
* There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.
* Each senior would have a PC, TV, phone, and radio in their room at no cost.
* They would receive daily phone calls.
* There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.
* The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals, they would be treated like seniors are today in nursing homes.
* They would receive cold food.
* They would be left alone and unsupervised.
* They would receive showers once a week.
* They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.
* They would have no hope of ever getting out.
A WEDDING PHOTO
This is a very nice souvenir photograph of 24 newly wedded couples.
I just hope for their sake that each husband will go home with the correct table cloth!
ARIZONA ROCKS OUR WORLD
THE ONE (1) QUESTION TEST
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.. you suddenly realize who they are.
It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options:
You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.
NOW, Here's the question; and please give an honest answer.
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
PROOF THAT THE DETROIT SCHOOL SYSTEM WORKS!
This is an actual picture of a Burger King in Detroit
This would be sad if it wasn't so true and funny!
A POEM WORTH READING
He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.
And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.
He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.
He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.
When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?
The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.
While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.
It's so easy to forget them,
For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
Went to battle, but we know,
It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?
Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.
He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.
If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."
THE $2.00 BILL I TRIED TO SPEND
The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'
He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'
Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir..'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Security Guard walks over to me and......
Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
Just think ... those two will be voting soon!!?! YIKES!!! Oops! Too late, we already have a nation full of them.
CATCH & RELEASE
[In their mindless zeal to demonize Bush and Cheney, the Red Shed Marxists are declassifying anything, and everything, that might get the job done. I doubt that the ensuing cheers from the PIGdom is what the Obamunists had in mind when they released the following item from 2003.]
U.S. Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist
I can’t believe it!
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50(US) and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
The following photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
Only a farm boy would think like this!
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
THE RULES ARE THE RULES
"Life is tough ... It's even tougher if you're stupid." John Wayne
Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs, KS when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina.
The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.
The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.
The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.
The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train! They were instructed that Rules prohibit moving the train when a part is defective!
RULES ARE RULES!
(Don't let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!)
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one ... a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
This image shows one tragic impact of deforestation.
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday ... She had the shits. (BEST ONE)
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral. (and then she's COMING back to school?)
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!
BOB'S NIGHT OUT
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Bob's funeral will be Saturday.
ROSARY TRUE BELIEVER HUMOR
THE POOR BOX
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
* * * * *
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
* * * * *
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
* * * * *
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
* * * * *
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
PIG - GASP!!!!! - THANKS MESSIAH BARRY?
Thank You Barack Obama!
Barack Obama has done more for America in his first year than most presidents.
That is right - I will say it thank God for Barack Obama why?
He destroyed the Clinton Political Machine: Driving a stake thru the heart of Hillary's Presidential aspirations - something no Republican was ever able to do. Remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the daylights out of you!
He killed off the Kennedy Dynasty: No more Kennedy's trolling Washington looking for booze and women wanting rides home. American women and Freedom are safer tonight!
He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes!
Dennis Moore had never lost a race - quit
Evan Bayh had never lost a race - quit
Byron Dorgan - had never lost a race - quit
Harry Reed - in all probability - GONE
These are just a handful of the Democrats that whose political careers Obama has destroyed! By the end of 2010 dozens more will be!
In December of 2008 the Democrats were on the rise. In the last two election cycles, they had picked up 14 senate seats and 52 house seats. The press was touting the death of the Conservative Movement and the Republican Party.
In one year Obama put a stop to all of this and will probably give the house, if not the senate back to the Republicans.
He has completely exposed liberals and progressives (extremists) for what they are. Every generation seems to need to relearn the lesson on why they should never actually put liberals in charge. He is bringing home the lesson very well!
Liberals tax, borrow and spend - check
Liberals won't bring themselves to protect America - check
Liberals want to take over the economy - check
Liberals think they know what is best for everyone - check
Liberals aren't happy till they are running YOUR life - check
He has brought more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Reagan In One year he rejuvenated the Conservative movement and brought out to the streets millions of Freedom Loving Americans. Name me one other time in your life that you saw your friends and neighbors this interested in taking back America!
In all honesty one year ago I was more afraid than I had ever been in my life. Not of the economy but of the direction our country was going. I thought Americans had forgotten what this country was all about. My neighbors, friends, strangers proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of the American people was flat out wrong.
When the American People wake up, no smooth talking teleprompter reader can fool them! Barack Obama woke up these Great Americans!
Again I want say - Thank you Barack Obama!
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT STYLE
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "You do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So, finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, well, I've been in this game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from every kind of weirdo. How bad could immigrant style be?
So, she agrees, and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him, and says, "Hey, I was expecting something weird and disgusting. But that was pretty good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
And that, my friendly taxpayers, is exactly how the illegal immigrants are screwing us!
A WINNING BLONDE MOMENT
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
BLONDE & BARTENDER
A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. ''T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duh''.
BLIND COWBOY WANDERS INTO BAR
An old, Blind Cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, ya wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."
"Now think about it seriously, Mister…Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
TRAGEDY STRIKES AGAIN
Another heartbreak for New Orleans! Below is presented why the economy of New Orleans will likely never completely recover, again...!
It seems like every couple of days New Orleans loses one of its treasured entrepreneurs. These people are the hope for the city and we must call a halt to this unfortunate trend if we ever expect to see a vibrant city again.
It took me a couple of minutes to get it, but imagine, NINE welfare recipients collecting $1500 each .... that equals $13,500 a month! Now add food stamps, free medical, free school lunches, on and on and on. Now that to me is a real Entrepreneur. Makes one proud to be a Democrat.
POLICE CODE 'AH'
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
ADVICE FROM SVEN & OLE
Words of Wisdom From Sven & Ole
Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison,
I Think Illinois already does this.
MAN'S VERY BEST FRIEND
The K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChord.
He's huge - part Boxer and part British Bull Mastiff and tops the scales at 200 lbs. His handler took the picture. Brutus is running toward me because he knows I have some Milk Bone treats, so he's slobbering away! I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he couldn't stop, but he did. Brutus won the Congressional Medal of Honor last year from his tour in Iraq . His handler and four other soldiers were taken hostage by insurgents.
Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language and he gave Brutus the signal that meant 'go away but come back and find me'.. The Iraqis paid no attention to Brutus. He came back later and quietly tore the throat out of one guard at one door and another guard at another door. He then jumped against one of the doors repeatedly (the guys were being held in an old warehouse) until it opened. He went in and untied his handler and they all escaped. He's the first K9 to receive this honor.
If he knows you're ok, he's a big old lug and wants to sit in your lap. Enjoys the company of cats.
ENQUIRING MINDS STILL 'NEED TO KNOW'
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths: (A) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. (B) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. (C) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells . . . 'THEIRS'?
WHAT IS GENERATION Y?
So Now You WILL KNOW!
The Silent generation, people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.
Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.
Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 2009
Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below.
Learned something new today.
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot – Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate now!
19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
The following statements about the bible were written by children. It comes from a roman catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. They have not been retouched or corrected.
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada. Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
KIDS ARE QUICK
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find north America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered america?
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H TO O.
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No Millie..... always say, 'I am.'
Millie: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'my dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you'reabsolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A RON WHITE MOMENT
"Sure Wish Somebody Would Invent Something To Keep The Sun Out Of My Eyes."
PAYBACK'S A BITCH
(The following is, allegely, an ad found in the Craig’s List Personals. It might even be true, not that it matters. It’s well written, damn funny, and worth your while. Enjoy.)
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43A M EST...
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had JUST picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone..
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
P.S. Remember this motto.
An armed society makes for a more civil society!
BEST COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
A CELESTIAL CONFAB
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven.
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: ; "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
A GRIPPING STORY
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.. I'm especially good at ornitholog y. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted..
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
LAWYER vs FHA
[The originator of this item swears these letters are real. I doubt it, not that it matters. Real or not, it’s entertaining and therefore PIG-worthy. Enjoy.]
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared
title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the
title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.
I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"
He got the loan.
WHAT IS SEX?
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his worksho
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, 'Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs. p, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. 'What is sex...?'
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer.
He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365 – Shall We Gather at the River.'
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
[Truth? Fiction? Don’t know. Don’t care. Why? It’s a lot of PIGish fun.]
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time...well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave., mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
STUPID IS AS STUPID SAYS
[Truth or fiction? Don’t know. Don’t care. Given the shockingly low intellect, and the complete detachment from objective reality, of Uncle Sam’s minions, it’s impossible to state that this couldn’t happen.]
To all my engineering and technical minded friends: This would be funny if it weren't so alarming. (And even so, it's still a little bit funny.)
(From a Senior Level Chrysler person.)
Monday morning I attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker and guest was David E. Cole, Chairman Center for Automotive Research (CAR and Professor at the University of Michigan . You have all likely heard CAR quoted, or referred to in the auto industry news lately.
Mr. Cole, who is an engineer by training, told many stories of the difficulty of working with the folks that the Obama administration has sent to save the auto industry. There have been many meetings where a 30+ year experience automotive expert has to listen to a newcomer to the industry, someone with zero manufacturing experience, zero auto industry experience, zero business experience, zero finance experience, and zero engineering experience, tell them how to run their business.
Mr. Cole's favorite story is as follows:
There was a team of Obama people speaking to Mr. Cole (Engineer, automotive experience 40+ years, and Chairman of CAR). They were explaining to Mr. Cole that the auto companies needed to make a car that was electric and/or run on liquid natural gas (LNG) with enough combined fuel to go 500 miles so we wouldn't 'need' so many gas stations. (A whole other topic). They were quoting BTU's of LNG and battery life that they had looked up on some internet website.
Mr. Cole explained that to do this you would need a trunk FULL of batteries and a LNG tank as big as a car to make that happen and that there were problems related to the laws of physics that prevented them from...
The Obama person interrupted and said (and I am quoting here)
"These laws of physics? Who's rules are those, we need to change that. (Some of the others wrote down the name of the laws so they could look it up later.) We have the Congress and the Administration. We can repeal that law, amend it, or use an executive order to get rid of that problem. That's why we are here, to fix these sort of issues."
"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it."
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
1) other. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP – A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY – A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1 – While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'; ' Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. ' My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2 – It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY – While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP – A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH – While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL – A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE – A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'NUDITY – I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
PAYBACK'S A BITCH
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grand pa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie ?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go f**k yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.
A VERY SHORT SAFARI STORY
THE STORY OF ADAM & EVE'S PETS
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . .
And Dog was happy. . .
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other...
Take a long, hard, look at this goodie. After Messiah Barry’s DeathCare passes, it will be on the cutting edge of medical technological evolution.
TOUGH LOVE vs. SPANKING - GOOD ARGUEMENT
Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
ADULT LEARNING CENTER CLASSES
Disclaimer: I did not make this up nor originate it. I'm just passing it along in the same spirit of joking and camaraderie of all the men jokes are passed. That being said …. Enjoy.
Spring Classes for Women at the Adult Learning Center
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is it Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch - They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel P ark In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
DAN IS OUR KIND OF MAN
Dan was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting (or the activity of choice) and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Dan left to go back home to his wife.
When Dan's friends started arriving to set up camp the following day who should be there but Dan sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dan?" "I didn't have to" was Dan's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, surprise!!
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
So Here I am.
DINNER WITH OBAMA, A PARABLE
Once upon a time, I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with the President. I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces memory chips for computers and portable electronics. There was some talk that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it no mind. I live in a free country. There's nothing that the government can do to me if I've broken no laws. My wealth was earned honestly, and an invitation to dinner with an American President is an honor.
I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the President in a yellow dining room. We sat across from each other at a table draped in white linen. The Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed staff served our dinner.
The meal was served, and I was startled when my waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate, and began nibbling it as he walked back to the kitchen.
"Sorry about that," said the President, "Andrew is very hungry."
"I don't appreciate..." I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty. It was just a dinner roll. "Of course," I concluded, and reached for my glass. Before I could, however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed the wine in a single gulp.
"And his brother Eric is very thirsty." said the President.
I didn't say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I thought. I will play along. I don't want to seem unkind.
My plate was whisked away before I had tasted a bite.
"Eric's children are also quite hungry."
With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from under me. I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was carried from the room.
"And their grandmother can't stand for long."
I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool. Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some game. I reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken. I turned back to the President.
"Their grandfather doesn't like the cold."
I wanted to shout – that was my coat! But again, I looked at the placid smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread my hands helplessly and chuckled. Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side table. I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my wife had been thrown out of our home. Apparently, the waiters and their families were moving in. The President hadn't moved or spoken as I learned all this, but finally I lowered the phone into its cradle and turned to face him.
"Andrew's whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven't planned for retirement, and they need a house. They recently defaulted on a subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more than you do."
My hands were shaking. I felt faint. I stumbled back to the table and knelt on the floor. The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak and drank his wine. I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the tablecloth that were water drops.
"By the way," He added, "I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing your factories. I'm firing you as head of your business. I'll be operating the firm now for the benefit of all mankind. There's a whole bunch of Erics and Andrews out there and they can't come to you for jobs groveling like beggars."
I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which had been his creme brulee. He drained the last drops of his wine. As the table was cleared, he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if were a ledge and I were a man hanging over an abyss. I thought of the years behind me, of the life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and struggle. Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game had I played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some surprise that there was no game board between us.
What had I done wrong?
As if answering the unspoken thought, the President suddenly cocked his head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling wryly as he folded his hands.
"You should have stopped me at the dinner roll," he said.
Healthcare is next.
REWARDING ROOM TEMPERATURE PATRIOTS
JOE LEGAL vs. JOSE IL-LEGAL
Here is an example of why hiring illegal aliens is not economically productive for the State of California...
You have 2 families..."Joe Legal" and "Jose IL-legal." Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California.
"Joe Legal" works in construction, has a Social Security Number, and makes $25.00 per hour with payroll taxes deducted.
"Jose IL-legal" also works in construction, has "NO" Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash per hour "under the table," therefore no payroll tax deduction.
Joe Legal...$25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000 per year. After taking 30% away for state federal tax, Joe Legal now has $31,231.00 left.
Jose IL-legal...$15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Now Jose IL-legal pays no taxes...so Jose IL-legal still has $31,200.00 left.
Joe Legal pays Medical and Dental Insurance with limited coverage that cost him $1000.00 per month, or $12,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $19,231.00 left per year.
Jose IL-legal has full Medical and Dental coverage furnished by state and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year to him, so Jose IL-legal still has $31,200.00 left per year.
Joe Legal makes too much money to be eligible for Food Stamps or welfare so Joe Legal pays $1,000.00 per month for food or $12,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $ 7,231.00 left for the year.
Jose IL-legal has no documented income and is eligible for Food Stamps and Welfare. Jose IL-legal still has $31,200.00 left for the year.
Joe Legal also has to pay rent of $1,000.00 per month or $12,000.00 per year. Joe Legal is now in the hole minus (-) $4,769.00.
Jose IL-legal also has to pay rent of $1,000.00 per month, but receives a $500 per month Federal rent subsidy. So Jose IL-legal actually only pays rent of $500.00 per month or $6,000.00 per year. Jose IL-legal still has $25,200.00 left for the year.
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work to try and meet his obligations.
Jose IL-legal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose IL-legal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose IL-legal's children get a government sponsored lunch.
Jose IL-legal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.
Joe Legal and Jose IL-legal both enjoy the same Police and Fire Services, but Joe paid for them with his taxes and Jose did not pay.
LETTER FROM A FARM KID
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training . You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
A HUNTING STORY
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT US
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME shit, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your BUTT?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window
PIG-WORTHY T-SHIRT FROM DOWN UNDER
THE PASSIONATE PLUMBER
It’s no secret that women have certain unresolved ‘issues’ with the male of the species. One of those issues keeps asking the same question: Isn’t there some marvel of modern technology that can make him WANT to WASH HIS HANDS?
Prepare to be thrilled, ladies, because some passionate plumber just made washing those hands a labor of, uh, love, for certain men.
WHAT STARTS WITH F AND ENDS WITH K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry : '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
However, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? or O Canada?
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention, on veterans day and our great country's birthday.
Yes, I'm a senior citizen!
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. Yes, I'm a senior citizen and I think I am having the time of my life
This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern US town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church, and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.
The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously and are getting a bit upset...
In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.
Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of it's forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place.when this man takes up residency in this house.
This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character".
There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.
But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.
Who is this man? you ask. You think you know, don't you? WRONG!
Neener, neener, neener.
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!
Q & A FOR SEASONED CITIZENS
Q: Where can a poor man over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that PMS is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these!' OR 'I still use mine!'
SITTING ON THE BEACH
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so, she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and whispered 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said 'No.'
She said 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
TIME TO PULL OUT?
[At least one person thinks it’s much more dangerous to spend quality time in the Windy City, than the front lines in Iraq. He, she, heshe or it, submits the following assertions for your thoughtful consideration.]
Perhaps the U.S. should pull out of Chicago?
Body count I n the last six months:
292 killed (murdered) in Chicago;
221 killed in Iraq.
Chicago.... Who Runs it:
Senators: Barack Obama & Dick Durbin
Rep: Jesse Jackson Jr.,
Illinois Gov: Rod Blogojevich,
Illinois House leader Mike Madigan,
Illinois Atty. Gen. Lisa Madigan (daughter of Mike),
Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley (son of Mayor Richard J. Daley)
.....our leadership in Illinois.....all Democrats.
Thank you for the combat zone in Chicago.
Of course, they're all blaming each other!
Can't blame Republicans; they're aren't any!
State pension fund $44 Billion in debt, worst in country.
Cook County (Chicago) sales tax 10.25% highest in country. (Look 'em up if you want).
Chicago school system rated one of the worst in the country.
This is the political culture that Obama comes from Illinois. And he's gonna 'fix' Washington politics for us?
This becomes effective January 1, 2009, in ALL states.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct installation is illustrated below.
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!
I KNOW....YOU SMILED.
YEAH, YOU SMILED AGAIN.
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked..
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
A senior in Louisiana was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied
"I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know it was dead?" she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear, and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went pssst and it didn't move."
* * * * * *
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair while her dad gets his hair cut eating a snack cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie."
She says "Yes, I know and I'm gonna get boobs too."
* * * * * *
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "how do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"
* * * * * *
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the former. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The Sky is Falling!'"
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that the farmer said?"
One little girl raised he hand and said, "I think he said: ‘Holy Sh*t! A talking Chicken."'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
* * * * * *
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "But what's growing in our butt?"
* * * * * *
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
* * * * * *
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light, when he asked, with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice" "The big sissy."
24 THINGS ABOUT TO BECOME EXTINCT IN AMERICA
24. Yellow Pages
This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like an acceleration of the print 'fade rate' and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.
23. Classified Ads
The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argument is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like Craigslist.org and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.
22. Movie Rental Stores
While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City. Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.
21. Dial-up Internet Access
Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.
20. Phone Landlines
According to a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had landlines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.
19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs
Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming get the blame.
For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.
17. Ash Trees
In the late 1990s, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia. In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in the Midwest, and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana. More than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.
16. Ham Radio
Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.
15. The Swimming Hole
Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle. The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.
14. Answering Machines
The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines. According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad in New York; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.
13. Cameras That Use Film
It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America. Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.
12. Incandescent Bulbs
Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.
11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys
Bowling Balls. US claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.
10. The Milkman
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed.
9. Hand-Written Letters
In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?
8. Wild Horses
It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States. In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population had decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in Nevada. The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.
7. Personal Checks
According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, on a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003).
6. Drive-in Theaters
During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.
5. Mumps & Measles
Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States. In 1964, 212,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.
4. Honey Bees
Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee. Very scary. 'Colony Collapse Disorder,' or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.
3. News Magazines and TV News
While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.
2. Analog TV
According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers. For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local stations, change is in the air. If you are one of these people you'll need to get a new TV or a converter box in order to get the new stations which will only be broadcast in digital.
1. The Family Farm
Since the 1930s, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census hasn't yet been published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family Farms.
Both interesting and saddening, isn't it?
A LETTER FROM THE BOSS
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.
However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Good will store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend.
There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.
Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.
Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds.
Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Pay roll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.
The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.
Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.
So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....
A couple - both bonifide rednecks - had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican Baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60 - NEW DIRECTION FOR ANY WAR
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. (That's almost 8 hours for you mathematically challenged).
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone out run a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
This one is take it or leave it. We’re told that the horse thief part is true. We won’t swear on a stack of pizza boxes that the ‘spin’ is true. True or not, we LOVE IT.]
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher here in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share common the ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
Now that is how it's done folks! That's real SPIN.
"Guess you heard that 68% of 'the youth vote' went to Obama."My granddaughter called this morning to tell me she was one of them. I replied with this e-mail:
The election of Obama comes down to this. Your grandmother and I, your mother and other productive wage earning tax payers will have their taxes increased and that means less income. Less income means we will have to cut back on basic purchases, gifts and handouts.
That includes firing the Hispanic lady who cleans our house twice a month. She just lost her job. We can't afford her anymore. What is the economic effect of Obama's election on you personally? Over the years, your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in food, housing, cash, clothing, gifts, etc., By your vote, you have chosen another family over ours for help. So in the future, if you need assistance with your rent, money for gas, tires for your car, someone to bring you lunch, etc., call 202-456-1111. That's the telephone number for the Office of the President of the United States. I'm sure Mr. Obama will be happy to send a check from his personal or business accounts or leave cash in an envelope taped to his front door.
It's like this. Those who vote for the president should consider what the impact of an election will be on the nation as a whole and not just be concerned with what they can get for themselves (welfare, etc.). What Obama voters don't seem to realize is that the government's money comes from taxes collected from tax paying families. Raising taxes on productive people means these people will have less money to spend on their families.
Congratulations on your choice. For future reference, you might attempt to add up all you've received from us, your mom, Mike's parents and others and compare it to what you expect to get over the next four years from Mr.Obama.
To congratulate Mr.Obama and to make sure you're on the list for handouts, write to:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW
Washington , DC 20500
NO SPEAK ENGLISH
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
Do we have you on pins and needles?
Is that dirty mind running amok?
Shame on you.
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes
DON'T BE AN ASS
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women & how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty shocking:
1.. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway!
It's in the way you dress. The way you boogie down. The way you sign your unemployment check. You're a man who likes to do things your own way. And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted, you want it in your car. It's that special feeling of a zero-emissions wind at your back and a road ahead meandering with possibilities. The kind of feeling you get behind the wheel of the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition from Congressional Motors.
All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the mandatory American car so advanced it took $100 billion and an entire Congress to design it. We started with same reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodeisel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizazz that tells the world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- with a vengeance.
We've subsidized the features you want and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-designed V-3 under the hood pumping out 22.5 thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit muscle, you'll never be late for the Disco or the Day Labor Shelter. Engage the pedal drive or strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFÉ mileage standards. At an estimated 268 MPG, that's a savings of nearly $1800 per week in fuel cost over the 2011 Pelosi.
Even with increased performance we didn't skimp on safety. With 11-point passenger racing harnesses, 15-way airbags, and mandatory hockey helmet, you'll have the security knowing that you could survive a 45 MPH collision even if the GTxi SS/Rt were capable of that kind of illegal speed.
But the changes don't stop there. Sporty mag-style hubcaps and an all-new aggressive wedge shape designed by CM's Chief Stylist Ted Kennedy slices through the wind like an omnibus spending bill. It even features an airtight undercarriage to keep you and a passenger afloat up to 15 minutes -- even in the choppy waters of a Cape Cod inlet. Available a rainbow of color choices to match any wardrobe, from Harvest Avocado to French Mustard.
Inside, a luxurious all-velour interior designed by Barney Frank features thoughtful appointments like an in-dash condom dispenser. A special high capacity hatchback holds up to 300 aluminum cans, meaning fewer trips to the redemption center. And the standard 3 speaker Fairness ActoPhonic FM low-band sound system means you'll never miss a segment of NPR again.
Best of all, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt is made right here in the U.S.A. by fully card-checked unionized workers and Detroit's famous visionary jet-set managers. Even if you don't own one, you can enjoy the patriotic satisfaction that you're supporting the high wages, good benefits, and generous political donations that are once again making the American car industry the envy of the world.
But why not buy one anyway? With an MSRP starting at only $629,999.99, it's affordable too. Don't forget to ask about dealer incentives, rebates, tax credits, and wealth redistribution plans for customers from dozens of qualifying special interest groups. Plus easy-pay financing programs from Fannie Mae.
So take the bus to your local CM dealer today and find out why the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the only car endorsed by President Barack Obama.
One test drive will convince you that you'd choose it over the import brands. Even if they were still legal.
(This sounds familiar, but we laughed anyway. Enjoy.)
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
WORDS OF WISDOM
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
During this political season, let's be reminded of these wise words:
Wisdom: The Poor have been voting Democratic for 50 years and they're still poor.
MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'TO GO'.
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
11. When the money comes out the atm, scream 'I WON! I WON!'
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'
13. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
SOMETIMES THE BULL WINS
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'.
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'
DRINKS WHICH REFLECT PERSONALITY
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flakey, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!
THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
BATTLE OF THE SEXES 101
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him that was still legal.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN: (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS:
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. 'HEBREWS'
THE SILENT TREATMENT:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew s he would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my Engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went Into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and He was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie Fox
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .
I hope this helps.
and Cheap Labor . . . Cheap Tomatoes . . . This should make everyone
think, be you Democrat, Republican or Independent !
a California school teacher - - -"As you listen to the news
about the student protests over illegal immigration, there are
some things that you should be aware of:
am in charge of the English-As-A-Second-language department
at a large southern California high school which is designated
a Title 1 school, meaning that its students average lower socioeconomic
and income levels.
of the schools you are hearing about, South Gate High, Bell
Gardens, Huntington Park, etc., where these students are protesting,
are also Title 1 schools.
1 schools are on the free breakfast and free lunch program.
When I say free breakfast, I'm not talking a glass of milk and
roll -- but a full breakfast and cereal bar with fruits and
juices that would make a Marriott proud. The waste of this food
is monumental, with trays and trays of it being dumped in the
trash uneaten. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
I estimate that well over 50% of these students are obese or
at least moderately overweight. About 75% or more DO have cell
phones. The school also provides day care centers for the unwed
teenage pregnant girls (some as young as 13) so they can attend
class without the inconvenience of having to arrange for babysitters
or having family watch their kids. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)
was ordered to spend $700,000 on my department or risk losing
funding for the upcoming year even though there was little need
for anything; my budget was already substantial. I ended up
buying new computers for the computer learning center, half
of which, one month later, have been carved with graffiti by
the appreciative students who obviously feel humbled and grateful
to have a free education in America . (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT
I have had to intervene several times for young and substitute
teachers whose classes consist of many illegal immigrant students
here in the country less then 3 months who raised so much hell
with the female teachers, calling them "Putas" whores and throwing
things that the teachers were in tears.
medical, free education, free food, day care etc., etc., etc.
Is it any wonder they feel entitled to not only be in this country
but to demand rights, privileges and entitlements?
those who want to point out how much these illegal immigrants
contribute to our society because they LIKE their gardener and
housekeeper and they like to pay less for tomatoes: spend some
time in the real world of illegal immigration and see the TRUE
insurance, medical facilities closing, higher medical costs,
more crime, lower standards of education in our schools, overcrowding,
new diseases, etc.,, etc. For me, I'll pay more for tomatoes.
need to wake up. The guest worker program will be a disaster
because we won't have the guts to enforce it.
Does anyone in their right mind really think they will voluntarily
leave and return?
are many hardworking Hispanic/American citizens that contribute
to our country and many that I consider my true friends. We
should encourage and accept those Hispanics who have done it
the right and legal way.
does, however, have everything to do with culture: A third-world
culture that does not value education, that accepts children
getting pregnant and dropping out of school by 15 and that refuses
to assimilate, and an American culture that has become so weak
and worried about "politically correct" that we don't have the
will to do anything about it.
this makes your blood boil, as it did mine, forward this to
everyone you know.
LABOR? Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is all
doesn't want to pay a decent wage.
don't want expensive produce.
will tell you Americans don't want the jobs.
the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is
a myth, a farce, and a lie. there is no such thing as "cheap
for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children.
He takes a job for $5.00 or $6.00/hour. At that wage, with six
dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year,
if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income
credit" of up to $3,200 free.
qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent.
qualifies for food stamps.
qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care.
children get free breakfasts and lunches at school.
requires bilingual teachers and books.
qualifies for relief from high energy bills. If they are or
become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once
qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this
is at (our) taxpayer's expense.
doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners
provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material.
and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour
Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after paying
their bills and his.
American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and
Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people.
many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
JOE ARPIAO PRIMER
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA
ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the
inmates for them.
stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away
their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.
started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county
and city projects.
he started chain gangs for women, so he wouldn't get sued for
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal
court order that required cable TV for jails. So, he hooked
up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the
asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know
how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.
cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.
the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton.
If you don't like it, don't come back."
He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he
pipes into the jails.
asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat,
he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why
a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.
on the Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116
degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports:
About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire surrounded tent
encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission
to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled
up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached
138 degrees inside the week before.
were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on
their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate
who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."
Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and
long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna
sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that
he told all of the inmates:
"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents
too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't
commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"
Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one
there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals
should be punished for their crimes, not live in luxury until
it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another
crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and
enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
Joe was just reelected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.
ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight. "Would you like dinner?" the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock
boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day,"
the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast
as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent
the kid on his way without a ticket.
ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes
up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts
his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's
it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back
of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if
tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."
YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY
you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban or al Quaeda male
to see any woman, other than his wife, naked and that he must
commit suicide if he does.
this Saturday at 4 p.m. eastern time all American women are
asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed
out any neighborhood terrorists.
your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not Taliban or al Quaeda, and to demonstrate
that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their
wives and to show support for all American women.
And since the Taliban and al Queda also do not approve of alcohol,
a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist
sentiment. For good measure, have various pork products cooking
on your BBQ grill.
American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
A husband is
at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like
I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't
he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so.
she says. "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front
door? They are about to break."
a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps." He says, "Does it
look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!
So he goes
to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps
are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall
light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge
door is fixed.
asks, how'd all this get fixed?
"Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered
to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either to to
bed with him or bake a cake."
"So what kind of cake did you bake?
"Hellooooo...do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?
I don't think so!
There was a
preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck.
children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got
up and spoke to the crowd, 'Children are a gift from God,' he
said. Silence fell on the congregation.
back pew, a little old lady stood up. In her frail voice said,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers.'
congregation said, 'Amen'.