July 29, 2010

Gold Standard
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Starving Student

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my solid-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and most of my fellow students travel by train.

Your loving son, Nasser day,

Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

REPLY

My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.

Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

July 28, 2010

Cautionary Tales
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Bottled Sunshine

Think You’re Having a Bad Day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

Still Think You’re Having a Bad Day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.

The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still Having a Bad Day? Just Remember, it Could Be Worse.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdes oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still Think You’re Having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL Think You’re Having a Bad Day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What? Still Having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, Feeling Better Now?

July 27, 2010

PIGish Golf Facts
Submitted by: Some Duffer
Posted by: Putter Envy

Conventional wisdom says golf wenches are at a competitive disadvantage, compared to their male counterparts.

We beg to differ:

A new pair of French sunglasses: $100

Matching lavender outfit: $2,000

NIKE product endorsements: $10,000,000

Having that ‘special place’ to hold your putter....PRICELESS!

July 26, 2010

I Miss Bill Clinton
Submitted by: Nick Nostalgia
Posted by: Bubba’s Plumper Cigar Humador

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax..
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him...His wife works, and he doesn't!

And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath:

"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

July 25, 2010

Amazing Elected Tormentor Adventures
Submitted by: Sky King, Jr.
Posted by: Frequent Flyer

A DC ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachuset.'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''

I said , ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D ) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA, Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

Yes, they walk among us, are in politics, and they continue to breed!

I don't write'em, I just offer it for your consideration.

July 24, 2010

Self Sufficiency
Submitted By: Some Good Egg
Posted by: That Mother Clucker

 

 

July 23, 2010

AAADD
Submitted by: I Forgot
Posted by: Where Was I

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Associated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm. I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs..

But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

July 21, 2010

Finally! Tools Explained
Submitted by: Handy Andy
Posted by: Thumbs McHammer

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

Skill Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

Table Saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit, usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son-of-a-bitch TOOL

Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son-of-a-Bitch Tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

July 20, 2010

The Turtle Post
Submitted by: Double Edge
Posted by: I Told Ya So!

*Publisher's Note: Thanks, Tony, and Tee-Hee

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Turtle?"

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there in the first place."

July 17, 2010

Little Girls Are Just Heavenly
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Mee-ooow!!!

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.  'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..  'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'  The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

July 15, 2010

Math For Reality Street
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Little Johnny's Brother

*Publishers Note: If your little less then Honor Roll caliber kid doesn't relate to basic math, perhaps the following will stir his/her imagination

Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time! -- Here's a 10 question sample quiz for next semester.

NAME________________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________

CRIB_________________________

1. Terrell has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip.  He usually miss 6 of every 10 shots and he use 13 rounds per drive-by shootin. How many mofos can Raymond ice on a drive-by befo he gotta reload?

2. Leroy have 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sell an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Darnell pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Darnell's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Tyrone wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will  he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Desmond gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother"s bail?

6. Juan got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he get out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang.  What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout,  how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Willie steals Juan's skateboard.. As Willie skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Willie be when he gets whacked?

July 14, 2010

A Dr. Seuss Moment
Submitted by: PIGster Rod
Posted by: Horton Smells A Ho

I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan,
I do not like this "YES WE CAN."
I do not like this spending spree,
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free,
I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope!

July 13, 2010

Differences Between Jews And Muslims
Submitted by: K-Cro
Posted by: Porcus

The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000

20% of the world's population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:
1988 - Najib Mahfooz

Peace:
1978 - Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1990 - Elias James Corey
1994 - Yaser Arafat:
1999 - Ahmed Zewai


Economics: 
(zero)


Physics: 
(zero)

Medicine:
1960 - Peter Brian Medawar
1998 - Ferid Mourad

TOTAL: 7


The Global Jewish population is approximately 14,000,000

About 0.02% of the world's population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:
1910 - Paul Heyse
1927 - Henri Bergson
1958 - Boris Pasternak
1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 - Nelly Sachs
1976 - Saul Bellow
1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 - Elias Canetti
1987 - Joseph Brodsky
1991 - Nadine Gordimer World

Peace:
1911 - Alfred Fried
1911 - Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 - Rene Cassin
1973 - Henry Kissinger
1978 - Menachem Begin
1986 - Elie Wiesel
1994 - Shimon Peres
1994 - Yitzhak Rabin

Physics:
1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 - Henri Moissan
1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 - Gabriel Lippmann
1910 - Otto Wallach
1915 - Richard Willstaetter
1918 - Fritz Haber
1921 - Albert Einstein
1922 - Niels Bohr
1925 - James Franck
1925 - Gustav Hertz
1943 - Gustav Stern
1943 - George Charles de Hevesy
1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 - Felix Bloch
1954 - Max Born
1958 - Igor Tamm
1959 - Emilio Segre
1960 - Donald A. Glaser
1961 - Robert Hofstadter
1961 - Melvin Calvin
196 2 - Lev Davidovich Landau
1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz
1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 - Julian Schwinger
1969 - Murray Gell-Mann
1971 - Dennis Gabor
1972 - William Howard Stein
1973 - Brian David Josephson
1975 - Benjamin Mottleson
1976 - Burton Richter
1977 - Ilya Prigogine
1978 - Arno Allan Penzias
1978 - P eter L Kapitza
1979 - Stephen Weinberg
1979 - Sheldon Glashow
1979 - Herbert Charles Brown
1980 - Paul Berg
1980 - Walter Gilbert
1981 - Roald Hoffmann
1982 - Aaron Klug
1985 - Albert A. Hauptman
1985 - Jerome Karle
1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 - Robert Huber
1988 - Leon Lederman
1988 - Melvin Schwartz
1988 - Jack Steinberger
1989 - Sidney Altman
1990 - Jerome Friedman
1992 - Rudolph Marcus
1995 - Martin Perl
2000 - Alan J. Heeger

Economics:
1970 - Paul Anthony Samuelson
1971 - Simon Kuznets
1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1975 - Leonid Kantorovich
1976 - Milton Friedman
1978 - Herbert A. Simon
1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 - Franco Modigliani
1987 - Robert M. Solow
1990 - Harry Markowitz
1990 - Merton Miller
1992 - Gary Becker
1993 - Robert Fogel

Medicine:
1908 - Elie Metchnikoff
1908 - Paul Erlich
1914 - Robert Barany
1922 - Otto Meyerhof
1930 - Karl Landsteiner
1931 - Otto Warburg
1936 - Otto Loewi
1944 - Joseph Erlanger
1944 - Herb ert Spencer Gasser
1945 - Ernst Boris Chain
1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 - Tadeus Reichstein
1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman
1953 - Hans Krebs
1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 - Joshua Lederberg
1959 - Arthur Kornberg
1964 - Konrad Bloch
1965 - Francois Jacob
1965 - Andre Lwoff
1967 - George Wald
1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 - Salvador Luria
1970 - Julius Axelrod
1970 - Sir Bernard Katz
1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 - Howard Martin Temin
1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 - Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 - Daniel Nathans
1980 - Baruj Benacerraf
1984 - Cesar Milstein
1985 - Michael Stuart Brown
1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 - Stanley Cohen & Rita Levi-Montalcini
1988 - Gertrude Elion
1989 - Harold Varmus
1991 - Erwin Neher
1991 - Bert Sakmann
1993 - Richard J. Roberts
1993 - Phillip Sharp
1994 - Alfred Gilman
1995 - Edward B. Lewis

TOTAL: 129

The Jews are NOT promoting brain washing children in military training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum deaths of Jews and other non Muslims!

The Jews don't hijack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics, or blow themselves up in German restaurants. 

There is NOT one single Jew that has destroyed a church. There is NOT a single Jew that protests by killing people.

The Jews don't traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and death to all the Infidels.

Perhaps the world's Muslims should consider investing more in standard education and less in blaming the Jews for all their problems.

Muslims must ask 'what can they do for humankind' before they demand that humankind respects them!!

Regardless of your feelings about the crisis between Israel and the Palestinians and Arab neighbors, even if you believe there is more culpability on Israel 's part, the following two sentences really say it all:

'If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence.
If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel.'

-Benjamin Netanyahu

July 12, 2010

"Life Thoughts" by Dale Duck
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. 

So I said 'Implants?'  

She hit me.

>>>>>>>>>>

How come we choose from just  two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

>>>>>>>>>>

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

>>>>>>>>>>

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

>>>>>>>>>>

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

>>>>>>>>>>

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

>>>>>>>>>>

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

>>>>>>>>>>

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

>>>>>>>>>>

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

>>>>>>>>>>

Bumper Sticker Of The Year: 
'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

>>>>>>>>>>

And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

July 11, 2010

The Importance of Walking
Submitted by: Ranger Walker
Posted by: Paul’s Bunion

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

July 10, 2010

The Bride...
Submitted by: I. M. Cherry
Posted by: A. Woody

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time, for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one worked in the Obama Administration," said the woman, "and every night for a year and a half, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

July 09, 2010

Jesus and the Democrat
Submitted by: Some Saint
Posted by: Some Sinner

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

July 08, 2010

Last Rites
Submitted by: Father Shecky
Posted by: Some Heretic

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

July 07, 2010

Top Secret Air Force 1 Project
Submitted by: Mr. Transparency
Posted by: Snipe Huntmaster

Air Force General: Mr. President, we've just invented an invisibility cloak for Air Force One. Air Force One is now invisible insuring your security in the face of growing hostility.

Obama: No Shit?

General: That's right, sir. Will you be going along on its maiden flight?

Obama: Wouldn't miss this it for the world.

General: Have a good trip, sir.

July 06, 2010

Dummies
Submitted by: Sista Snarky
Posted by: Now THAT’S Funny

Now, this is too funny...

I knew he reminded me of somebody famous...

On the left is "Walter," Jeff Dunham's dummy.

The one on the right is Obama's...

July 05, 2010

Italian Honeymoon
Submitted by: Spicy Meatballs
Posted by: Eager Beaver

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

July 04, 2010

Traffic Question
Submitted by: Easy Rider
Posted by: Them’s Nice ‘Cookies’, Darlin’

Most men will get this right!

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING FOR 2 MILES sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or
(b) Do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

July 03, 2010

They Walk Among Us, Are In Politics, And Continue To Breed
Submitted by: K-Cro
Posted by: A Homeland Security Reject

A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' US is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''

I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii ... After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.’’

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

 

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

 

July 02, 2010

Just For Laughs
Submitted by: Smarty Pants
Posted by: Chuckles The Clown

Revenge Is Sweet

Golf For Beginners

A Jolly Good Recovery

How Men Screw Up Romance

 

July 01, 2010

Ghost Sex
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Casper

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good! I’m pleased to note that you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Now: Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So,

Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed replied, “Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said goats.”

June 30, 2010

The World According To Marvin
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

Sex Is The Price Women Have To Pay For Marriage.
Marriage Is The Price Men Have To Pay For Sex.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I'm Not Attracted By A Girlie's Mind...
But By What She Doesn't Mind.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Marriage Is The Only War Where You Get To Sleep With The Enemy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

There Are Only Two Four Letter Words That Are Offensive To Me - 'Don't' And 'Stop'
Unless They Are Used Together.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A Tight Dress Is Like A Barbed Fence.
It Protects The Premises Without Restricting The View.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guns Don't Kill People...
Husbands Who Come Home Early Kill People!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Getting Married Is Like Getting Into A Bath Tub.
After You Get Used To It, It Ain't So Hot!

June 29, 2010

Headlines From The Year 2029
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Posted by: Carnac The Magnificent, Jr.

- Ozone Created by Electric Cars Now Killing Millions in the Seventh Largest Country in the World, Mexifornia, Formerly Known as California.

- White Minorities Still Trying to Have English Recognized as Mexifornia's Third Language.

- Spotted Owl Plague Threatens Northwestern United States Crops and Livestock.

- Baby Conceived Naturally! Scientists Stumped.

- Couple Petitions Court to Reinstate Heterosexual Marriage.

- Iran Still Closed Off; Physicists Estimate it Will Take at Least 10 More Years Before Radioactivity Decreases to Safe Levels.

- France Pleads for Global Help after Being Taken over by Liechtenstein. No Other Country Comes Forward to Help the Beleaguered Nation!

- Castro Finally Dies at Age 112; Cuban Cigars Can Now Be Imported Legally, but President Chelsea Clinton Has Banned All Smoking.

- George Z. Bush Says He Will Run for President in 2036.

- Postal Service Raises Price of First Class Stamp to $17.89 and Reduces Mail Delivery to Wednesdays Only.

- 85-year $75.8 Billion Study: Diet and Exercise Is the Key to Weight Loss.

- Average Weight of Americans Drops to 250 Lbs.

- Global Cooling Blamed for Citrus Crop Failure for Third Consecutive Year in Mexifornia and Florida.

- Japanese Scientists Have Created a Camera with Such a Fast Shutter Speed They Now Can Photograph a Woman with Her Mouth Shut.

- Abortion Clinics Now Available in Every High School in United States.

- Senate Still Blocking Drilling in Anwr Even Though Gas Is Selling for 4532 Pesos per Liter and Gas Stations Are Only Open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

- Massachusetts Executes Last Remaining Conservative.

- Supreme Court Rules Punishment of Criminals Violates Their Civil Rights.

- Average Height of NBA Players Is Now Nine Feet, Seven Inches.

- New Federal Law Requires That All Nail Clippers, Screwdrivers, Fly Swatters and Rolled-Up Newspapers Must Be Registered by January 2030. 

- IRS Sets Lowest Tax Rate at 75 Percent.

- Florida Voters Still Having Trouble with Voting Machines.

June 28, 2010

A Wedding Photo
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Bed, Bath & Beyond

This is a very nice souvenir photograph of 24 newly wedded couples.

I just hope for their sake that each husband will go home with the correct table cloth!

June 27, 2010

A Fire Chief's Explanation
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Pesky Pyro

In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.  

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.  

6 LA, Hispanic, gang banger ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.  

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.

They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?

The fire chief said, "They were at work"

June 26, 2010

For Those Real Tough Leaks...
Submitted by: K-Cro
Posted by: Summer's Eve

BP's Final Option

June 25, 2010

California vs Arizona
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus
 
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
 
1.  The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2.  He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3.  He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4.  The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5.  The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6.  The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7.  The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8.  The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9.  Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.
 
 
Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail.  A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
 
 And that's why California is broke.

 

June 23, 2010

How To Sell Toothbrushes
Submitted by: Bill T.
Posted by: Porcus

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

June 22, 2010

Mexican Jews
Submitted by: Juan Epstein
Posted by: Mr. Kotter

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day.

Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks."

He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say There is no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just Can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask everyone ... all we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!"

June 19, 2010

In '15-Year Old Kids' We Trust
Submitted by: Terri T.
Posted by: Porcus

Because the word 'God' is mentioned in the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lords Prayer and are not allowed in schools anymore, a 15 year-old kid in Ohio wrote the attached:

NEW SCHOOL PRAYER

Now I sit me down in  school,
Where praying is against the rule,
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him very odd,
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights,
And anytime my head I bow,
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene,
The law is specific, the law is precise,
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall.
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the State.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks,
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible,
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King,
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles,
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess,
So, Lord, this silent plea I make,
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

June 17, 2010

Mister Sensitivity
Submitted by: Dumpster Dave
Posted by: Titleist

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room, "And gentlemen, remember - you're in this together - it wouldn't hurt to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?' answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

June 16, 2010

A True Father's Day Hallmark Moment
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: PFO

New Ferrari For Dad: $1,000,000

Dad Lets Daughter Borrow Ferrari,
Daughter Hits Power Pole At 200 MPH

Daughter Escapes With Minor Bruises And Cuts

Car Loss? $1 Million Dollars!

Waiting List For A New Ferrari? 2 Years.

When Can Daughter Drive Dad's Car Again? Next Lifetime.

When Will Daughter NOT Be Grounded And See The Light Of Day? 
Same Day The Polar Ice Caps Melt.

The Fact That She Survived The Crash And Dad's Tirade And Is Still Alive? 

Priceless!

(Car Had Only 9 Miles On It And One Was During The Wreck!)

June 15, 2010

A Letter To Barbara Boxer
Submitted by: K-Cro
Posted by: Wham! Bam! F**k You And The Horse You Rode In On, Ma'am!

Do you remember the scene?

The Senate.

Barbara Boxer hearing from a Brigadier General? 

Silly General! He addresses Barbara as "Ma'am", and she CORRECTS him, telling him she's "worked SO hard to earn the title, 'Senator'", so please to use that when speaking to her.

Get a load of this letter! Get out your dictionary, also.

Read the letter sent to Sen. Barbara Boxer from an Alaskan Airlines pilot below.

Many of us witnessed the arrogance of Barbara Boxer on June 18, 2009 as she admonished Brigadier General Michael Walsh because he addressed her as "ma'am" and not "Senator" before a Senate hearing.

This letter is from a National Guard aviator and Captain for Alaska Airlines named Jim Hill. I wonder what he would have said if he were really angry.            

Long Fly Alaska!!!!!

Babs:

You were so "right on" when you scolded the general on TV for using the term, "ma'am," instead of "Senator". After all, in the military, "ma'am" is a term of respect when addressing a female of superior rank or position. The general was totally wrong. You are not a person of superior rank or position. You are a member of one of the world's most corrupt organizations, the U.S. Senate, equaled only by the U.S. House of Representatives.

Congress is a cesspool of liars, thieves, inside traders, traitors, drunks (one who killed a staffer, yet is still revered), criminals, and other low life swine who, as individuals (not all, but many), will do anything to enhance their lives, fortunes and power, all at the expense of the People of the United States and its Constitution, in order to be continually re-elected. Many Democrats even want American troops killed by releasing photographs. How many of you could honestly say, "We pledge our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor"?  One? Two? None?

Your reaction to the general shows several things. First is your abysmal ignorance of all things military. Your treatment of the general shows you to be an "elitist" of the worst kind. When the general entered the military (as most of us who served) he wrote the government a blank check, offering his life to protect your derriere, now safely and comfortably ensconced in a 20 thousand dollar leather chair, paid for by the general's taxes. You repaid him for this by showing your disdain toward him in front of millions. The shame is yours...not his!

Second is your puerile character, lack of sophistication, and arrogance, which borders on the hubristic. This display of brattish behavior shows you to be a virago, termagant, harridan, nag, scold or shrew, unfit for your position, regardless of the support of the unwashed, uneducated masses who have made California into the laughing stock of the nation.

What I am writing, are the same thoughts countless millions of Americans have toward Congress, but who lack the energy, ability or time to convey them. Regardless of their thoughts, most realize that politicians are pretty much the same, and will vote for the one who will bring home the most bacon, even if they do consider how corrupt that person is. Lord Acton (1834 - 1902) so aptly charged, "Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely."

Unbeknownst to you and your colleagues, "Mr. Power" has had his way with all of you, and we are all the worse for it.

Finally Senator, I, too, have a title. It is "Right Wing Extremist Potential Terrorist Threat." It is not of my choosing, but was given to me by your Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano. And you were offended by "ma'am"?

Have a fine day. Cheers!

Jim Hill
16808 103rd Avenue Court East
South Hill,  WA  98374

June 14, 2010

Back To Basics
Submitted by: K-Cro
Posted by: P-Cro

At last! A cell phone for seniors that makes sense and will have the youngsters asking, "Like, what's that round thingee in the middle for"?

June 12, 2010

Comments On Report Cards
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Little Johnny

These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

June 11, 2010

Ever Wonder What Your Pets Do While You're At Work?
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Tom And Jerry

June 09, 2010

Your Social Security
Submitted by: PIGster Swine Flew
Posted by: PPS

Just in case some of you young whippersnappers (& some older ones) didn't know this, it's easy to check out, if you don't believe it. Be sure and show it to your kids. They need a little history lesson on what's what and it doesn't matter whether you are Democrat or Republican.

Facts are Facts!!!

Our Social Security

Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program. He promised:

1.) That participation in the Program would be completely voluntary.

It’s no longer Voluntary.

2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual incomes into the program.

Now, it’s 7.65% and on the high side of 90,000.

3.) That the money the participants elected to put into the program would be deductible from their income for tax purposes each year.

It’s no longer tax deductible

4.) That the money the participants put into the Independent 'Trust Fund' rather than into the General Operating Fund, and therefore, would only be used to fund the Social Security
Retirement Program, and no other government program.

Under Johnson the money was moved to the General Fund and spent

5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Under Clinton & Gore up to 85% of your Social Security can be Taxed

Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to 'put away’ -- you may be interested in the following:

Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the Independent 'Trust Fund' and put it into the General Fund so that Congress could spend it?

A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democratically controlled House and Senate.

Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax
Deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

A: The Democratic Party.

Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social
Security annuities?

A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the
'tie-breaking' deciding vote as President of the
Senate, while he was Vice President of the US

Q: Which Political Party decided to start Giving Annuity payments to immigrants?

A: That's right! Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party. Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!

Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away! And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!

AND CONGRESS GIVES THEMSELVES 100% RETIREMENT FOR ONLY SERVING ONE TERM!!!

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

June 08, 2010

Lesser Known Metric Units
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Posted by: PPS

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day to day life, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams (especially kilograms), meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units, they're clueless, so we thought we'd help the educational process along a bit.

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond, this is also known as an onosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2200 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 1 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

and...

100 Senators = Not 1 good decision

June 07, 2010

Clucking Around
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: PPS

A little humor is good for the Soul

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

June 04, 2010

A History Of Liberals And Conservatives
Submitted by: Bill T.
Posted by: Porcus

* We wish longtime PIGster Bill T. a Happy Belated Birthday. How did we know it was your birthday, Bill? We have ways, and we know people that know people...

For those that dont know history, here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as Girlie-Men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate utives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it... Let your next action reveal your true self!

June 03, 2010

A Craigslist Classic
Submitted by: Cisco Kid
Posted by: Porcus

June 02, 2010

Liberal vs Conservative...Updated
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: F.O.S.F. - (Friend Of Swine Flew)

A conservative will castrate a child molester.

A liberal will give a pedophile Viagra.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A conservative will give someone who is in desperate need his or her last dollar.

A liberal will give your last dollar to aids awareness after giving the rest of your dollars to the public employee unions.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A conservative will try to keep his car in good running condition.

A poor liberal will drive his, hers, or it’s ’62 VW microbus 2,500 miles spewing carbon monoxide and leaking oil to whole way to Earth Day where he, she, or it will decry your carbon footprint.

A rich liberal will fly there in a private jet.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A conservative will execute a mass murderer.

A liberal will condemn you for that execution as soon as their late term abortion is done.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A conservative will bring back a case of empties when he buys the next case.

A liberal will spend $5 recycling a $0.10 bag.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A conservative will vote against anyone, Republican or Democrat, who commits a serious crime.

A liberal will vote against anyone who is a Republican.

May 31, 2010

Minorities
Submitted by: A Patriotic PIGster
Posted by: F.S.O.P. & Staff

We need to show more sympathy for these  people.

They travel miles in the heat.

They risk their lives crossing a border.

They don't get paid enough wages.

They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid  to do.

They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language.

They rarely see their families, and they face  adversity all day - every day.

I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans - I'm talking about our troops! 

 

Doesn't it seem strange that many Democrats and Republicans are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops.

May 30, 2010

Kids Say The Darndest Things
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

*We've posted this before, but in light of Art Linkletter's recent passing, we thought we would take a stumble down memory lane.

Kids Are Quick 

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North  America 
Maria: Here it  is. 
Teacher: Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ? 
Class: Maria. 


Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on  the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables. 

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
Glenn: 'K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L' 
Teacher: No, that's wrong 
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   


Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
Donald: H I J K L M N O. 
Teacher: What are you talking about? 
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.  

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
Winnie: Me! 

Teacher:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I ' 
Millie: I is... 
Teacher:  No, Millie...always say, 'I am.' 
Millie: All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     


Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his  hand.     

Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
Simon: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.   


Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 
Clyde:  No, sir. It's the same dog.   

 
Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
Harold: A teacher 

May 28, 2010

A Potato Story
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Spuds McKenzie

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

HE'S A COMMONTATER!!!

May 27, 2010

Crisis In California!!!
Submitted by: Flanders
Posted by: Porcus

This financial crisis is forcing California to make some tough decisions.

There's a real risk we may have to lay off Jose.

May 26, 2010

Nana's Little Helpers
Submitted by: Lone star
Posted by: Porcus

May 25, 2010

Arizona Rocks Our World
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

 

May 24, 2010

Hooters
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

If Big-Chested women work at Hooters... 

  
...where do One-Legged women work?

 

Don't give up!

 

This one's easy!

 

 

May 23, 2010

The Mexican Maid
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: A Rich Gringo

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

May 22, 2010

Pucker Up
Submitted by: P. T. Barnum
Posted by: A Sucker

LADY SELLING Lemonade on the Beach
(reportedly clearing $250 USD per day).

The Psychology of business is to "know what your customers want!" This guy probably does not know what he is drinking, nor does he care ... because he is after something more than sugared down lemon juice.

Reportedly for $10-USD a try, you will see when you finish sucking.

So who says making money is tough? The jobs are out there! Just be a little creative.

May 20, 2010

Keep On Ticking!
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Hickory Dickory Dock

When will I learn...?

My neighbors, the two cute young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said…

"I wanna watch!"

May 18, 2010

Joe's Trip to the Doctor
Submitted by: Numb Nuts
Posted by: Nip It In The Bud

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

May 17, 2010

A Glass Of Wine
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

May 16, 2010

Electrifying Enlightenment
Submitted by: Don’t Tase Me, Bro
Posted by: BZZZZZT

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

May 14, 2010

Every Day Is Mother's Day!
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

In The Arctic...

In Africa...

Within The Ocean...

Somewhere Near Wal-Mart

 

May 12, 2010

Another Old Guy Joke
Submitted by: An Old Crank
Posted by: Whippersnapper

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.

Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that

I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

May 11, 2010

WAL-MART DIAGNOSIS
Submitted by: Some Know It All
Posted by: Some Wanker

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike …. 'My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

May 10, 2010

Possibilities
Submitted by: PIGster Rod F.
Posted by: Hambo

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

May 09, 2010

Betcha Didn't Know...
Submitted by: Perfessor Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

• They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery....if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor  folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

• Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell...brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

• Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

• The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

• In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

• Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

• Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust...

• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

• England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

May 07, 2010

Sex With A Cowboy?
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State: 

1.  She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.  
2.  She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo...And... 
3.  She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.  

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared. 

'Let me tell you, they have a bush down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook the brisket over that Mesquite wood it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'  

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes. Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They   ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

Then came the big question, 'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
 
'Are you kidding?     

When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my mind!'

Brought  to you by:

May 06, 2010

BS BINGO!
Submitted by: Some Pooper
Posted by: Scooper

You’ve seen the card, but finally someone has explained the directions to you!

This works quite well. Tried it yesterday with press conference on oil spill. Did not get BINGO, but came close.

I used to avoid listening to his speeches. Now, I look forward to the next one. Here is something to help make Obama's speeches almost tolerable. Just print out this page (play card below), distribute it to friends, and listen – (be sure to read the directions).

Rules for Bullshit Bingo:
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, print your "Bullshit Bingo" card.

2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." (Jack W., Boston)

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." (David D., Florida)

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win." (Bill R., New York City)

"The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." (Ben G., Denver)

 

 

May 04, 2010

There Goes The Neighborhood
Submitted by: One Pissed Off PIGster
Posted by: Porcus

The "America Sucks" attitude is alive and well on Filmore Street in Medford, Oregon, as seen in this photo taken by PIGster J-Cro.

Remember, that's Filmore Street, Medford, Oregon.

May 03, 2010

The One (1) Question Test
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.. you suddenly realize who they are.

It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options:

You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.

NOW, Here's the question; and please give an honest answer.

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

May 01, 2010

Formula For America's Future
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

 

April 30, 2010

Courtroom Bombshell
Submitted by: Some Seafaring Gangbanger
Posted by: Jolly Roger

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA – Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.

There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein.”

The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.

“We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said.

The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”

In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.

“There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said. “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied.

April 28, 2010

Swine Flew Funnies
Submitted by: Take A Guess
Posted by: No Shit Sherlock

Pictures You Don't See Everyday

Must have been McNaughty

Oh Come On, Just One?

Take Me To The Cleaners, Baby!

Major Dilemna In California

Everything You Need For Your Shotgun Wedding

Still Dead, Huh?

Don't Drink And Make Signs

April 27, 2010

Something’s Fishy
Submitted by: Don’t Ask
Posted by: Don’t Tell

No Sir Officer, We've Only Been Fishing...



2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable

Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe. This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard.

They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it.

Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this thing!

April 25, 2010

Alabama Ladies Meeting
Submitted by: Praise The Lord
Posted by: Pass The Ammo

For those of you who don't live in Alabama, and think we are a bunch of uncivilized ruffians - well, it's simply NOT TRUE!

In fact, we have ladies' groups that meet regularly to discuss current events and develop needed home-skills. For example, this photo was recently taken at a ladies group meeting in Pelham, Alabama where they were discussing the elections coming up in November, 2012.

 

April 23, 2010

A Baby-K Friday Doubleheader
Submitted by: A Rational Dude Named K-Mart
Posted by: Popeye

Item#1: Holy Shit!!!

Were you aware of the fact that just recently in Portland, OR a man, down on his luck, having lost his savings, home, retirement, cars, family and even the loyalty of his beloved canine best friend has remained ever faithful, praying that Obama would miraculously 
ameliorate his tragic woes.

As it turns out, after the marshals  forcefully evicted him from his home of 25 years, he left with the  only important documents he still possessed, i.e., a roll of toilet paper.

After many cold nights praying and suffering he was finally rewarded with a most divine message clearly sent from the Messiah himself, Barack Obama! 

Being homeless and ever hungry, the man squatted in some nearby bushes to relieve himself of what he thought was pretty damned close to nothing, i.e., his last paltry meal. His persistent, pious faith paid off in the fact that he experienced the most joyful, productive, heaven-sent bowel movement that he had ever known. 

Even more exciting was the fact that he experienced an Obamiphany!! 

Miraculously, the man was rewarded with a vision of  Obama's smiling face in one of the turds compromising this pile of  shit of antediluvean magnitude. 

But wait, it doesn't end there.The man had clearly won Obama's favor, for not only was he rewarded with this miraculous apparition of Obama himself but he was also able to 
clearly discern Michelle and the other members of the holy family amongst the peanuts and corn. 

What a blessing, he thought.  News of  this miracle spread quickly, and the man was contacted by officials  from the local catholic parish, who are investigating the circumstances surrounding the country's biggest pile of shit to  determine the veracity of this man's claims. 

So much for reports of the Mexican faithful finding the image of the Virgin Mary in a tortilla.

Item #2: Dawgs

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".  

I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who   their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and expect me to feel guilty because   they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.........

"My dogs get their first checks Friday!"

Damn, this is a great country!

April 22, 2010

Proof that the Detroit school system works!
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

This is an actual picture of a Burger King in Detroit

This would be sad if it wasn't so true and funny!

April 21, 2010

A Poem Worth Reading
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Hambo

He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It's so easy to forget them,
For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnnys,
Went to battle, but we know,
It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."

April 20, 2010

The $2.00 Bill I Tried to Spend
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

STORY:

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
Manager: 'No. A what?'
Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'
Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
Server: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
Server: 'Yeah.'
Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'

Server: 'What should I do?'
Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
Manager: 'Just tell him.'
Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
Me: 'Why not?'
Manager: 'I think you know why.'
Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'Excuse me?'
Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
Me: 'What on earth for?'
Manager: 'Please, sir..'
Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
Me: 'No.'
Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.'
Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
Manager: 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
Me: 'Uh, no.'
Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
Me: 'Why?'
Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'

Manager: 'It's fake.'
Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
Guard: 'Yeah?'
Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

Just think ... those two will be voting soon!!?! YIKES!!! Oops! Too late, we already have a nation full of them.

April 19, 2010

PIGster Swine Flew Waxes Poetic
Posted by: PPS

No more taxes
No more fees
No more bonding if you please

No more hires
No more studies
No more deals for your buddies

No more raises
No more bonus
No more place on us the onus

No more lying
No more crises
No more spending for endangered mices

The air is clean
The water too
So drill for oil, yes please do

Teach some math
And some science
Toss in a bit of self reliance

Keep your PC
Keep your change
Keep your healthcare oh so strange

We don’t want you
We don’t need you
We The People didn’t ask you

April 18, 2010

Logic: Twisted But True
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

What a unique way to look at things!

Written by a 82 year old very wise lady. She gives us a whole new slant on the amazing job Obama is doing:

That is right - I will say it "(THANK GOD FOR THE PRESIDENT)."

1. He destroyed the Clinton Political Machine - Driving a stake thru the heart of Hillary's Presidential aspirations - something that no Republican was never able to do. Remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the daylights out of you!

2. He killed off the Kennedy Dynasty - No more Kennedy's trolling Washington looking for booze and women wanting rides home. American women and Freedom are safer tonight!

3. He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes!

Dennis Moore had never lost a race - quit

Evan Bayh had never lost a race - quit

Byron Dorgan had never lost a race - quit

Harry Reid - soon to be GONE

These are just a handful of the Democrats whose political careers Obama has destroyed! By the end of 2010 dozens more will be gone.

In December of 2008 the Democrats were on the rise. In the last two election cycles they had picked up 14 senate seats and 52 house seats. The press was touting the death of the Conservative Movement and the Republican Party. In just one year, Obama put a stop to all of this and will probably give the house, if not the senate back to the Republicans.

4. He has completely exposed liberals and progressives for what they are. Every Generation seems to need to relearn the lesson on why they should never actually put liberals in charge. He is bringing home the lesson very well.

Liberals tax, borrow and spend - check

Liberals won't bring themselves to protect America - check

Liberals want to take over the economy - check

Liberals think they know what is best for everyone - check

Liberals aren't happy till they are running YOUR life - check

5. He has brought more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Reagan. In one year he has rejuvenated the Conservative movement and brought out to the streets millions of Freedom Loving Americans. Name me one other time in your life that you saw your friends and neighbors this interested in taking back America!

6. His amazing leadership has sparked the greatest period of sales of firearms and ammunition this country has seen. Law abiding citizens have rallied and have provided a "stimulus" to the sporting goods field while other industries have failed, faded or moved off-shore.

7. In all honesty one year ago I was more afraid than I have been in my life. Not of the economy but of the direction our country was going. I thought Americans had forgotten what this country was all about. My neighbors, friends and strangers proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of the American people was flat wrong.

8. When the American People wake up no smooth talking teleprompter reader can fool them!

Barack Obama woke up these Great American s! Again I want to say Thank You Barack Obama! This is exactly the kind of hope and change we desperately needed.

April 17, 2010

Catch & Release
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

[In their mindless zeal to demonize Bush and Cheney, the Red Shed Marxists are declassifying anything, and everything, that might get the job done. I doubt that the ensuing cheers from the PIGdom is what the Obamunists had in mind when they released the following item from 2003.]

U.S. Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist

I can’t believe it!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50(US) and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The following photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

April 15, 2010

Stud Fees
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Howard

Only a farm boy would think like this!

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

April 14, 2010

Thanking America
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

April 12, 2010

Dog Tired
Submitted by: Some Puppy Lover
Posted by: Some Woofer

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

April 11, 2010

Divorce vs. Murder
Submitted by: Terri T.
Posted by: Porcus

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

April 10, 2010

The Rules Are The Rules
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

"Life is tough ... It's even tougher if you're stupid." John Wayne

Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs, KS when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina.

The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.

The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.

The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.

The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train! They were instructed that Rules prohibit moving the train when a part is defective!

RULES ARE RULES!

(Don't let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!)

April 08, 2010

Signs of the Times
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

 

April 06, 2010

Flight Flaws
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one ... a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

April 04, 2010

Chinese Wedding Night
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

April 02, 2010

Losing A Friend
Submitted by: Some Sentimental Slob
Posted by: Over Easy

Trying to channel our elusive, sensitive, side, we’re taking a brief timeout to deal with a very sensitive subject.

It’s a very touching story about life and death

It’s about friendship and loss.

Fair warning, you’ll need a hanky or two for this one.

It’s certain to stir up your heart.

It will leave an indelible mark on your soul.

April 01, 2010

Free Dog To Good Home
Submitted by: Bill T.
Posted by: Porcus

FREE DOG TO GOOD HOME

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his street name,  
 'Holy Shit.'

March 30, 2010

Doggone It
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

This image shows one tragic impact of deforestation.

 

March 29, 2010

The Holistic Approach
Submitted By: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.  

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
  
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
 
Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'
 
The doctor said.... You were homesick.

March 28, 2010

To Pee Or Not To Pee
Submitted by: A Rational Dem
Posted by: Porcus

To Pee or Not to Pee

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!

Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country - AND SOON!

P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!

March 27, 2010

Nocturnal Obama Emissions
Submitted by: Night Owl
Posted by: Porcus

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. The President ordered a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." - Jay Leno

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." - Jay Leno

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." - Jay Leno

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." - Jay Leno

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." - Jay Leno

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody to pray with either." - Jay Leno

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game. To which the Canadians said, "Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy." - Jay Leno

March 25, 2010

Is This Kid A Neighbor?
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little shit.

March 23, 2010

Mexas Entomology
Submitted by: PIGster Bill T.
Posted by: PPS

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,

"Hard to fool them flies, though."

March 22, 2010

A PIGish Call To, uh, Arms?
Submitted by: PIGster Terri T.
Re-Posted by: I’ll show you mine, AFTER, you show me yours, darlin’

[PIGster Terri is sounding the alarm, that it’s time to shed your...pretensions and show off your, uh, patriotism.]

DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

March 20, 2010

The 6 Answers We Have All Been Waiting For
Submitted by: PIGster Big Apple Tony
Posted by: Hambo

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they Go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

March 19, 2010

The Devil Made Us Post This
Submitted by: Some Horny Devil
Posted by: Some Hellion

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT

March 17, 2010

Is It Time To Wake Up Yet?
Submitted by: Lone star
Posted by: Porcus

Barack Obama Has Awakened A Sleeping Nation
Gary Hubbell
Aspen Times Weekly

Barack Obama is the best thing that has happened to America in the last 100 years. Truly, he is the savior of America's future.  He is the best thing ever.

Despite the fact that he has some of the lowest approval ratings among recent presidents, history will see Barack Obama as the source of America's resurrection.  Barack Obama has plunged the country into levels of debt that we could not have previously imagined; his efforts to nationalize health care have been met with fierce resistance nationwide; TARP bailouts and stimulus spending have shown little positive effect on the national economy; unemployment is unacceptably high and looks to remain that way for most of a decade; legacy entitlement programs have ballooned to unsustainable levels, and there is a seething anger in the populace.

That's why Barack Obama is such a good thing for America.

Obama is the symbol of a creeping liberalism that has infected our society like a cancer for the last 100 years.  Just as Hitler is the face of fascism, Obama will go down in history as the face of unchecked liberalism.  The cancer metastasized to the point where it could no longer be ignored.

Average Americans who have quietly gone about their lives, earning a paycheck, contributing to their favorite charities, going to high school football games on Friday night, spending their weekends at the beach or on hunting trips - they've gotten off the fence.  They've woken up. There is a level of political activism in this country that we haven't seen since the American Revolution, and Barack Obama has been the catalyst that has sparked a restructuring of the American political and social consciousness.

Think of the crap we've slowly learned to tolerate over the past 50 years as liberalism sought to re-structure the America that was the symbol of freedom and liberty to all the people of the world.  Immigration laws were ignored on the basis of compassion.  Welfare policies encouraged irresponsibility, the fracturing of families, and a cycle of generations of dependency. Debt was regarded as a tonic to lubricate the economy.  Our children left school having been taught that they are exceptional and special, while great numbers of them cannot perform basic functions of mathematics and literacy.  Legislators decided that people could not be trusted to defend their own homes, and stripped citizens of their rights to own firearms.  Productive members of society have been penalized with a heavy burden of taxes in order to support legions of do-nothings who loll around, reveling in their addictions, obesity, indolence, ignorance and "disabilities."  Criminals have been arrested and re-arrested, coddled and set free to pillage the citizenry yet again.  Lawyers routinely extort fortunes from doctors, contractors and business people with dubious torts.

We slowly learned to tolerate these outrages, shaking our heads in disbelief, and we went on with our lives.

But Barack Obama has ripped the lid off a seething cauldron of dissatisfaction and unrest.

In the time of Barack Obama, Black Panther members stand outside polling places in black commando uniforms, slapping truncheons into their palms. ACORN - a taxpayer-supported organization - was given a role in taking the census, even after its members were caught on tape offering advice to set up child prostitution rings.  A former Communist is given a paid government position in the White House as an advisor to the president.   Auto companies are taken over by the government, and the auto workers' union - whose contracts are completely insupportable in any economic sense - is rewarded with a stake in the company.  Government bails out Wall Street investment bankers and insurance companies, who pay their executives outrageous bonuses as thanks for the public support.  Terrorists are read their Miranda rights and given free lawyers.  And, despite overwhelming public disapproval, Barack Obama has pushed forward with a health care plan that would re-structure one-sixth of the American economy.

I don't know about you, but the other day I was at the courthouse doing some business, and I stepped into the court clerk's office and changed my voter affiliation from "Independent" to "Republican."  I am under no illusion that the Republican party is perfect, but at least they're starting to awaken to the fact that we cannot sustain massive levels of debt; we cannot afford to hand out billions of dollars in corporate subsidies; we have to somehow trim our massive entitlement programs; we can no longer be the world's policeman and dole out billions in aid to countries whose citizens seek to harm us.

Literally millions of Americans have had enough. They're organizing, they're studying the Constitution and the Federalist Papers, they're reading history and case law, they're showing up at rallies and meetings, and a slew of conservative candidates are throwing their hats into the ring. Is there a revolution brewing? Yes, in the sense that there is a keen awareness that our priorities and sensibilities must be radically re-structured.  Will it be a violent revolution?  No.  It will be done through the interpretation of the original document that has guided us for 220 years - the Constitution.  Just as the pendulum swung to embrace political correctness and liberalism, there will be a backlash, a complete repudiation of a hundred years of nonsense.  A hundred years from now, history will perceive the year 2010 as the time when America got back on the right track.  And for that, we can thank Barack Hussein Obama.

>>> Click Here For Original Article >>>

March 16, 2010

No Parent Left Behind
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday ... She had the shits. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral. (and then she's COMING back to school?)

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!

March 15, 2010

Bob's Night Out
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be Saturday.

March 14, 2010

Grandpa & Technology
Submitted by: Some Victim of Technological Terrorism
Posted by: Some Technological Neanderthal

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing.

Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up. That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger. One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly-fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that 'dealing with an elder despair' look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us. He then called his clients and told them he was faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad."

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.

Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Jill, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,"Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Have a nice weekend.

Grandpa

March 13, 2010

The Human Body
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

March 12, 2010

4 Tickets Left
Submitted by: Terri T.
Posted by: Porcus

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, Texas if anybody wants them.

Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

March 11, 2010

A Craig's List Classic
Submitted by: Terri T.
Posted by: Porcus

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09,
1:43 A M EST.
 
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
  
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
 
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
               
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
  
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. (That made his day!)

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
  
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
 Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
 
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
  
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!
  
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

March 10, 2010

Census Takes
Posted by: PPS

Today, I got two Census-related missives in our FSOP e-mail.

PIGster MILFhunter wrote:

I had a comment and a question about the census. First, my comment. I received a letter in the mail today from the census bureau informing me that I will be receiving a letter from the census bureau......WHAT? I assume that every household either has or will receive this particular letter. And based on pure assumption, there are roughly 100 million household in this great nation of ours. Based on the fact that, between ink, paper, envelope and postage, it costs 50-55 cents to mail said letter, I am to assume that the federal government just spent 50-55 million dollars to let us know that ANOTHER LETTER WILL FOLLOW!!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?!? Add that to the unknown millions spent on those god-awful commercials, and the all-knowing all-wise government has spent hundreds of millions of taxpayer money advertising something that EVERY THINKING AMERICAN has known for years.

I know the census is necessary, and, most likely, the ONLY thing in the constitution that the government upholds anymore, but an advertising blitz, like it's the new formula of coke? I fear for this country. Now for my question. What is the bare minimum that I must legally fill out in said, advertised upcoming census?

Maybe this PIGster Swine Flew rant will resolve PIGster MILFhunter’s unresolved Census issues:

How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

We ask this question to help get an accurate count of the number of people in the household on Census Day, April 1, 2010. The answer should be based on the guidelines in the 'Start here' section. We use the information to ensure response accuracy and completeness and to contact respondents whose forms have incomplete or missing information.

Were there any additional people staying here April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question 1?

Asked since 1880. We ask this question to help identify people who may have been excluded in the count provided in Question 1. We use the information to ensure response accuracy and completeness and to contact respondents whose forms have incomplete or missing information.

SF: This must be from the office of redundancy and repetition. How does this unsure accuracy and completeness? If I put zero in the first question and three here am I still correct?

Is this house, apartment, or mobile home: owned with mortgage, owned without mortgage, rented, occupied without rent?

Asked since 1890. Homeownership rates serve as an indicator of the nation's economy. The data are also used to administer housing programs and to inform planning decisions.

SF: Considering the current housing bubble collapse are they going to flip this around? If I enter occupied without rent will the IRS come to visit. How about if I just answer yes?

What is your telephone number?

We ask for a phone number in case we need to contact a respondent when a form is returned with incomplete or missing information.

SF: “Hi, we’re from ACORN………….

Please provide information for each person living here. Start with a person here who owns or rents this house, apartment, or mobile home. If the owner or renter lives somewhere else, start with any adult living here. This will be Person 1. What is Person 1's name?

Listing the name of each person in the household helps the respondent to include all members, particularly in large households where a respondent may forget who was counted and who was not. Also, names are needed if additional information about an individual must be obtained to complete the census form. Federal law protects the confidentiality of personal information, including names.

SF: George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman………. Federal law may forbid breaking confidentiality but protect? I think not. If the household is so big that you can’t count ‘em what gives you the idea they know all of the names?

What is Person 1's sex?

Asked since 1790. Census data about sex are important because many federal programs must differentiate between males and females for funding, implementing and evaluating their programs. For instance, laws promoting equal employment opportunity for women require census data on sex. Also, sociologists, economists, and other researchers who analyze social and economic trends use the data.

SF: Federal programs that violate the Constitution should not be enabled.

What is Person 1's age and Date of Birth?

Asked since 1800. Federal, state, and local governments need data about age to interpret most social and economic characteristics, such as forecasting the number of people eligible for Social Security or Medicare benefits. The data are widely used in planning and evaluating government programs and policies that provide funds or services for children, working-age adults, women of childbearing age, or the older population.

SF: Asked since 1800 for forecasting the number of people eligible for Social InSecurity? Since we regularly pay Social Security for dead people and Social Security regularly declares someone dead, who isn’t, how does this help? Also more discriminatory programs that are in direct violation on the Constitution.

Is Person 1 of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin?

Asked since 1970. The data collected in this question are needed by federal agencies to monitor compliance with anti-discrimination provisions, such as under the Voting Rights Act and the Civil Rights Act. State and local governments may use the data to help plan and administer bilingual programs for people of Hispanic origin.

SF: How come Hispanics get their own question? More discrimination. I want a white, male, gun owning, English speaking, payer of taxes question. The only way this could be used to monitor anti-discrimination provisions is using a quota system. And, of course we need to plan bilingual programs

What is Person 1's race?

Asked since 1790. Race is key to implementing many federal laws and is needed to monitor compliance with the Voting Rights Act and the Civil Rights Act. State governments use the data to determine congressional, state and local voting districts. Race data are also used to assess fairness of employment practices, to monitor racial disparities in characteristics such as health and education and to plan and obtain funds for public services.

SF: Now we get the question for the rest of us. This is used for determining voting districts??????? #@&(%!!!.

Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay somewhere else?

This is another question we ask in order to ensure response accuracy and completeness and to contact respondents whose forms have incomplete or missing information.

SF: I can’t speak for the rest of you I’m thinking of living in a bottle for a while and I think most of the feds live in lala land most of the time.

March 09, 2010

Walking Eagle
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Hambo

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York .

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his red sisters and brothers.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle”. The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Obama.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

March 08, 2010

Brain Teasers
Submitted by: Some Smartass
Posted by: Some Dumbass

The Questions

The Answers

 

March 07, 2010

Rosary True Believer Humor
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

THE POOR BOX

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

* * * * *

LEMON SQUEEZE

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

* * * * *

CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

* * * * *

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

* * * * *

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"

March 06, 2010

Feeling Fuelish
Source: PIGster Redneck
Posted by: PPS

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve
oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed. "Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No."

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee."

March 05, 2010

PIG - GASP!!!!! - Thanks Messiah Barry?
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

Thank You Barack Obama!

Barack Obama has done more for America in his first year than most presidents.

That is right - I will say it thank God for Barack Obama why?

He destroyed the Clinton Political Machine: Driving a stake thru the heart of Hillary's Presidential aspirations - something no Republican was ever able to do. Remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the daylights out of you!

He killed off the Kennedy Dynasty: No more Kennedy's trolling Washington looking for booze and women wanting rides home. American women and Freedom are safer tonight!

He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes!

Dennis Moore had never lost a race - quit
Evan Bayh had never lost a race - quit
Byron Dorgan - had never lost a race - quit
Harry Reed - in all probability - GONE

These are just a handful of the Democrats that whose political careers Obama has destroyed! By the end of 2010 dozens more will be!

In December of 2008 the Democrats were on the rise. In the last two election cycles, they had picked up 14 senate seats and 52 house seats. The press was touting the death of the Conservative Movement and the Republican Party.

In one year Obama put a stop to all of this and will probably give the house, if not the senate back to the Republicans.

He has completely exposed liberals and progressives (extremists) for what they are. Every generation seems to need to relearn the lesson on why they should never actually put liberals in charge. He is bringing home the lesson very well!

Liberals tax, borrow and spend - check
Liberals won't bring themselves to protect America - check
Liberals want to take over the economy - check
Liberals think they know what is best for everyone - check
Liberals aren't happy till they are running YOUR life - check

He has brought more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Reagan In One year he rejuvenated the Conservative movement and brought out to the streets millions of Freedom Loving Americans. Name me one other time in your life that you saw your friends and neighbors this interested in taking back America!

In all honesty one year ago I was more afraid than I had ever been in my life. Not of the economy but of the direction our country was going. I thought Americans had forgotten what this country was all about. My neighbors, friends, strangers proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of the American people was flat out wrong.

When the American People wake up, no smooth talking teleprompter reader can fool them! Barack Obama woke up these Great Americans!

Again I want say - Thank you Barack Obama!

March 04, 2010

Bang For The Buck
Submitted By: Some Wishful Thinker
Posted By: Saving My Pennies

The new Ferrari "458 Italia" .. This is what it looks like!

And This Is What It Does..

Any questions? Where do I order mine???

March 03, 2010

An Al Gore Moment
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

A California Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Dallas when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

March 02, 2010

Amazing Creatures
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures without the need for resorting to fiction.     Some are rare; some are on the verge of extinction.   Here are some of the most peculiar creatures known to mankind.

Aye-Aye

Blobfish

Yeti Crab

Pink Fairy Armadillo

Left Winged Dingbat

March 01, 2010

What's In A Name
Submitted by: Cisco Kid
Posted by: Porcus

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com/  

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island'.
It can be found at: http://www.penisland.net/  

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company.
Check it out at: http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky
Web site: http://www.speedofart.com/

February 28, 2010

Do You Know Her?
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

I'm not sure who this woman is...

...but she claims she knows you.

February 27, 2010

Little Melissa
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the cock sucker.'

February 26, 2010

Friday Tripleheader
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

Item #1: Vatican Humor

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 
  
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 
  
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the  Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 
  
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning... 
  
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. 
  
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German...) 
  
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 
  
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. 
  
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 
  
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. 
  
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph. 
  
'So bust him,' says the Chief. 
  
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop..   

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 
  
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence 
  
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' 

Cop:'Bigger.' 
  
Chief: ' A senator?' 

Cop: 'Bigger.'   
  
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' 

Cop:Bigger.' 
  
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' 
  
Cop: 'I think it's God!' 
  
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' 
  
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'     

Item #2: Inner Peace
          
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,  

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,  

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,  

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,  

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,    

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,  

Then You Are  Probably ...

...The Family Dog!

Item #3: The Farmer

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. 

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" 
 
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating." 

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman. 

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" 

"What a coincidence," said the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." 

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" 

"I used a different cock," he replied. 

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence."

February 25, 2010

The World According To Swine Flew
Submitted by: Who The Hell Do You Think?
Posted by: Porcus

1. Fair: We take your money and give it to someone who has never done an honest days work in his/her/it’s life.  Also see Welfare.
2. Crisis: We take your money and use it to further screw up something we screwed up with the last money we took from you.
3. Essential Services: We take your money and give it to unionized civil service employees whose sole purpose in life is to piss you off and get overtime.
4. Reparations: We take your money because your great great great ancestors might have participated in or made profit from a vile practice, still perpetrated by Islam, and give it to someone whose great great great ancestors might have been a victim of previously mentioned vile practice even though said ancestors may have participated in said vile practice themselves.
5. Emergency: We take your money and give it to people that knowingly live below sea level and pay no attention to evacuation orders.
6. Endangered Species: We take your money and give it to a so called environmental organization to save the spotted cross eyed toe jam that normal people have tried to eradicate for centuries.
7. Social Security: We take your money and promise to give it back when you retire but spend it, instead, on one or more of the totally unrelated items listed above.
8. Medicare: See Social Security.
9. Voters Rights: We take your money to help someone vote who hasn’t a clue what’s going on and probably has no right to vote in the first place.
10. Clean Air Fund: We take your money and give it to someone else to buy something to generate “clean” energy that works at a net loss because the technology isn’t ready and/or makes noise and turns birds into a chum.
11. Gun Control: We take your guns so that you can’t stop us from taking your money.
12. Emergency Heating Fund: We take your money to pay poor folks to heat their houses because Global Warming is causing them to freeze their ass off.
13. Healthcare Bill: We take any money left so that no one but us has any money left to pay for healthcare.
14. Stimulus Bill: We’re running out of ways to take your money so we’ll just spend money that doesn’t exist and figure out later how to take more of your money.
15. Job Creation Bill: We spend even more money that doesn’t exist to create more government jobs to help come up with newer ways to take your money.