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THE PIG BLOG | PIG PRATTLERS
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 PIG Prattle is PIGish mixture of news, images, blatantly PIGish self-promotion, things that make us laugh and the occasional commentary. If you're looking for hard news, you'll find that in our News Digest. If you're looking for table pounding commentary, you need to pay a visit to Hambo's Hammer. Are we all on the same page now, Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question. Crayons ready? |
February 05, 2012 Tyrone The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. February 03, 2012 Getting Older As we are all getting older, I would like to inform my friends on new acronyms, so we can understand each other. LOL! February 02, 2012 New Panties A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat. February 01, 2012 The Moral Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder The King immediately summoned Nick . . . January 30, 2012 Cheers! Irish Wedding At the wedding reception someone yelled. "Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. January 28, 2012 Gunning For Bear On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: "What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?" A 25 cal should do it, think not? Read on: "My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in a 25 cal. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course, we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. January 25 2012 Count Your Blessings Everyday we arise we have something to be thankful for...
Today, we are thankful the photographer wasn't on the other side. January 24, 2012 Some PIGish Wisdom You can retire to Yuma, Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. OR You can retire to Washington, where... 1. Everyone knows Seattle is the center of the universe. OR You can retire to New York City where... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. OR You can retire to Minnesota where... OR You can retire to the Deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. OR You can retire to Colorado where... OR You can retire to the Midwest where... OR FINALLY You can retire to Florida where... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. January 20, 2012 Saturday Two-Fer Item #1: The Dot For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. January 19, 2012 Dead Horse Theory The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that: When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, your best strategy is to dismount. However, in our government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: 1. Buying a stronger (and more expensive) whip 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 4. Arranging trips to other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase efficiency. 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance. 10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance. 11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some live horses. 12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course.... 13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. If you don't understand the stupidity in this reasoning, you probably are happy with the way our tax money is being spent....and that would make you part of the problem.
January 17, 2012 My Neighbor
She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my family room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door. I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?” I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!” Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD! January 12, 2012 Inner Peace I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!! January 11, 2012 Advanced Photography
January 10, 2012 Puns For Educated Minds 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. January 09, 2012 The Polish Divorce A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: Polish Remover. January 06, 2012 Chip Monks January 05, 2012 Places I've Been I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone, you must be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however been in Sane. They don't have an airport, so you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the heart. At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not. People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deepdoodoo many times and the older I get, the easier it is to get there. So where have you been lately? January 04, 2012 A Belated New Year Greeting This past year I may have...
Suck it up, Cupcake!! HAPPY NEW YEAR January 02, 2012 Swine Flew's Patent Medical Plan First and foremost you must understand that universal health insurance is not the same thing as universal healthcare. Strictly speaking they are are only, barely, related to each other, mostly just because they both have the word "health" embedded in the name. The first one is supposed to be a way to ensure everyone has a way to pay for healthcare while the second one guarantees access. In practice universal health insurance tends to become expensive and unwieldy leading to various efforts to control costs usually leading to restrictions on access to healthcare. The evidence of this can be seen in Medicare where no one seems interested in trying to fix the problems with it but instead cut spending. This, naturally, leads to doctors not wanting to take it because they lose money in the transaction, and it also leads to Medicare refusing to pay for more procedures than any other insurance carrier. Pardon me while I wander off for a moment. Several years ago I heard a statistic that has stuck with me. I never verified it but I tend to believe it is likely true. In any completely random group of people 10% will commit the crime of theft if they think they can get away with it. However, when lots of money is involved the group looses the random factor. The simple reason is that money will attract thieves so that the thieves rise above 10%. Why do I bring that up here? The reason should be obvious. Medicare is lots and lots of money and everyone outside of government knows that government is incapable or unwilling to control where the money goes. Medicare fraud is a major reason it costs so much and rather than clamping down on fraud and punishing the thieves they simply cut Medicare reimbursements. This not only doesn't fix the root cause but aggravates it because those entities required to take Medicare have to pad the bills just to break even, much less make a profit. And yes, you idiot, they have to make a profit if you want healthcare to grow and improve. We already have a form of universal healthcare access. However, in typical, mindless government mandate fashion it comes in the form of requiring hospitals to treat the poor for any ailment in emergency rooms. This has several problems. Emergency rooms are very expensive to operate. Emergency rooms are, by definition, for emergencies. So when every little Johnnie is brought in with the sniffles and you are brought in with a heart attack you can expect a degradation in your care. Of course this only works for people near hospitals. When I was young, oh so long ago, most families had a major medical insurance policy and paid cash for everything else. It was their policy and they carried it with them when they moved. When companies started offering health insurance, because they couldn't offer more pay at the time (see government price controls) this, in the long run, helped cause the problem we are in. We stopped paying cash. This increased the cost of healthcare and removed you as a gate keeper, now the insurance company had more control and you had less. The policy no longer traveled with you so you got a new policy with every new job and anyone without a job had no insurance. You could still pay cash but no one wanted to and since you didn't see the money it started to change from something you purchased to a right. In comes the various state governments to save us. The federal government had a way to stop this by using the interstate commerce clause in the way it was intended to be used but didn't. States started to decide what should be in an insurance policy and the only way they could force this is by not allowing you to buy a policy you wanted. Imagine if a state mandated what kind on car you could buy. Oh, wait, some do. Now you have to pay for coverage for stuff you don't need to help pay for those that do. In our old age we get to pay for birth control. Now, I can hear the squawking start up but let me give you an analogy. You buy insurance for your car to pay for an accident but you pay cash for an oil change. Buying insurance for an oil change would not be cost effective. Paying cash for it is not only much cheaper but if you carry the analogy to it's logical conclusion everyone would have to buy oil change insurance even if they didn't own a car. Those of you who object to Obamacare on the grounds of the mandate for everyone to have insurance, too late, most of the states were doing a form of this a long time ago. Not forcing you to buy a policy but forcing you, when you do, to buy a policy that meets their idea of a policy. What to do? First get the government as far out of the equation as you can. Get the individual back in. Ensure those on Medicare or close to it are taken care of. They are NOT sponging off the rest of us, they paid their dues. It is not their fault the government spent the money on everything but them. How to do that; well here's my idea for what it is worth. Set up clinics closely associated with existing hospitals. Pay for the education of new doctors willing to spend six years working in those clinics at a reduced pay rate. This will increase the number of doctors further lowering costs. Issue anyone who wants to use those clinics a card from the IRS. When someone wants service they show the card. The "bill" goes to the IRS where a means test determines how much of the bill ends up on the individuals income tax. If the person is on Medicare it's covered as if the person was poor. Notice that most of the money issue, and the number of folks that can touch it, goes away. Doctors who want to get out have to pay the prorated cost of education. When a problem is too big for the clinic it goes to the hospital, not the emergency room. The hospital provides expert guidance and training. Everyone else gets to buy, or not, any insurance they want. They would be encouraged to pay cash wherever they can, not by tax incentive but because it will be cheaper. Those that choose not to buy a policy can use the clinics but have to pay what they can through the IRS. Please note that only the IRS knows what you earn and can pay; since they already do, this won't be a problem. And the IRS does not have any say in what is covered. Obamacare has a strangle hold on what is covered. If you are able to pay for an expensive policy you are going to get better care. That's called capitalism to you great unwashed OWS folks. Anyone who thinks that is "unfair" please tell me why you think it is fair to take money out of my pocket to pay for someone else bad habits, and while you are at it explain why your congressman is exempt from Obamacare which violates the equal protection clause of the Constitution. There are a few remaining causes of the high cost of healthcare. One is the perfectly natural cost increase caused by more complex drugs, procedures, and equipment. It costs a large fortune to launch a new drug. Part of the problem is that a company has to patent the drug long before they can sell it. They should be able to patent it but the period of the patent doesn't start until after they are allowed to sell it. This will extend the length of time that generics won't be available but it will lower the initial price because the developer will have a longer period to recover start up costs. Expensive equipment could be partially subsidized by the government, shared by several hospitals, or mobile. Expensive equipment sitting idle increases the cost of using that equipment. Complex procedures require complex training which takes money and time to learn. Someone has to pay that cost. Tort reform is essential. Doctors and hospitals should pay reasonable amounts for real, not imagined, mistakes. But they should not pay just because the outcome of a complex procedure with a poor track record does not turn out well. As one doctor suggested to me buy "flight insurance" for iffy procedures. Note here that while many would like a nice, simple, single, cause that can be easily fixed, that is someone else's fault, there isn't one cause. Everything involved in healthcare is going to affect the price. The point here is to reduce to number and size of each. You have the Constitutional right to sue to recover damages, you do not have the right to win the lottery just because somebody gave you a real or imagined boo-boo. Carelessness or deliberate neglect does require punishment but that is the purview of the state. "Punitive damages" is not part of your Constitutional right. December 31, 2011
December 30, 2011 Whiskey A great statesman if there ever was one In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas): "If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being. However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it. This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle." December 29, 2011 Decisions, Decisions I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in. December 28, 2011 A Message From A Young Democrat
"Momma said quit checkin' yo' messages and get yo' white ass back to work so she don't have to." December 24, 2011 The Company Christmas Party Company Memo FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our `Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads `AA Only' you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe $10 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh `low sugar' fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply `no sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Amy FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the `grill of death' as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f**king wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Amy Brown a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the 'rest facility'. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Whatever! December 24, 2011 Saturday Twofer PIGish Bilingualism? Spanish word of the day: Water – My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is! Spanish word of the day: Mushroom – Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom. Spanish word of the day: Chicken – My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself. Spanish word of the day: Liver & Cheese – Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine. Spanish word of the day: July – Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer! Spanish word of the day: Wafer – I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn' t wafer me! Spanish word of the day: Herpes – I had some cake to share with my wife; this is my piece & this is herpes. Spanish word of the day: Tissue – I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue. Spanish word of the day: Cashew – I was running after you but I couldn't cashew! Spanish word of the day: Bishop – We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop. Spanish word of the day: Juicy – Hey man, Im looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him! More PIGish Bilingualism It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." December 23, 2011 A TEACHERS'S STORY ABOUT STUTTERING Teacher's story about Stuttering A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off ' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room. December 21, 2011 A GOOD LESSON ON FEMALE COMPASSION .... A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.' December 20, 2011 [Full disclosure: A PIGster found this on I Own The World and sent it our way. PIGster's identity is PIG Top Secret.] Oil Change instructions for Women: 1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: TOTAL: $24.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00. 2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.. 16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19. Remember drain plug from step 11. 20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21. Drink beer. 22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25. Begin cussing fit. 26. Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent. 28. Beer. 29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30. Beer. 31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32. Beer. 33. Lower truck from jack stands. 34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35. Beer. 36. Test drive truck. 37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38. truck gets impounded. 39. Call loving wife, make bail. 40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!
December 19, 2011 iPad for sale .... If you are interested in getting an iPad, I can get hold of them through a contact. These are legal, not off the back of a truck. They are from a canceled hospital contract due to the government cutbacks.The numbers are limited -I have twenty iPads going for less than half Price, so it's first come, first served. I have already sold one (pic is attached below so you can see what you would be getting). Get back to me as quickly as you can if you want one.
December 18, 2011 Seasoned Citizen Humor Scotch with two drops of water A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue." OLD IS WHEN ... OLD IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. OLD IS WHEN ... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. OLD IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. OLD IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police OLD IS WHEN ... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any FIBRE today. OLD IS WHEN ... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. OLD' IS WHEN ... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND OLD IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes December 17, 2011 Barry's Letter to Santa The White House Dear Mr. Claus ~ Despite my personal affection, however, the responsibilities of the presidency compel me to speak out when there are wrongs that need to be redressed. And as you saw when my administration attempted to levy a tax on Christmas trees earlier this year, we make no exceptions for the holidays. As such, I must inform you that your Christmas rounds will have to be cancelled this year unless you agree to abide by the following rules and regulations set out by my administration: § All elves in your workshop are to be immediately unionized. Should you fail to comply with this directive, the National Labor Relations Board is prepared to bring suit and demand that all assembly be done at a closed shop in Michigan that pays three times the prevailing wage and provides six weeks of leave time at full pay. § Every mile your sleigh travels over American airspace must be offset by the purchase of carbon credits. If your team can provide sufficient documentation to prove that this is an excessive financial burden, we are prepared to subsidize the purchase of a hybrid sleigh, though you will need to stop to charge the vehicle approximately once every 30 minutes. § The First Lady is concerned that your weight sets a bad example for America's children. In order to counteract the growing epidemic of obesity in the United States, you will no longer be allowed to consume milk and cookies in American homes. We have no intention of ruining a cherished tradition, however, so we will be instructing parents throughout the nation that it is acceptable to leave you a glass of tomato juice and a plate of tofu. § Our Department of Education has substantial concerns about your employment of "naughty and nice lists," which have been deemed injurious to the self-esteem of America's young people. We realize this is a valuable part of your inventory process, so we are happy to let the practice continue, provided that the lists now be referred to as "Good A" and "Good B." § As a matter of political prudence, the Justice Department has requested that you remain silent about the firearms we have asked you to deliver to Mexico in the past few years. § Finally, we know that you are considering retiring in the near future. While not a directive, we would ask that you consider Vice President Biden as your replacement. We frequently find him talking to reindeer for no good reason, and feel that it would be useful to at least put that tendency to work in a productive fashion. I realize that many of these requests may seem onerous. However, America has always been a place where we routinely sacrifice for the good of others, and that's what we believe we are asking you to do here. We want you to think of us as your federal family – collaborators, not regulators. We're here to help. In fact, there's even a chance that you could be eligible for stimulus money if you're willing to adhere to a few basic requirements (such as delivering presents in proportion to a state's number of electoral votes). I apologize if any of this presents an inconvenience. Please know that Michelle and I still consider you a good friend. You're always welcome in our house, President Barack Obama P.S. – "You're always welcome in our house" is a figure of speech. If you try to come down the White House chimney, the Secret Service will shoot you. December 16, 2011 Overstocked
December 15, 2011 Dear Santa FAIR WARNING!!!! If you're a delicate flower who can't cope with profanity, skip this one. It's loaded with F-Bombs and other profane pleasantries, so it's not for the faint hearted. LAST CHANCE...So be it...
December 14, 2011 Hump Day Humor PIGster Rod F's Korrectness For Kids PIGish Humor From Swine Flew They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." The Priest and the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.. The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start... December 13, 2011 Men's Restroom Mural Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women executives The result ... well ... We all know that men never talk, never look at each other ... And never laugh much in the restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place but now with the addition of one mural on the wall ... let's just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles – and maybe a little intimidation (grin).
December 12, 2011 Letter To Boss Dear Boss: I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this. Sincerely, Try that at your job and tell me how it works out. TOSS'EM ALL OUT December 10, 2011 Traffic Stop I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of. She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!" December 09, 2011 Don't talk to my parrot Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you." "But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, To which the parrot replied............. See - Men just don't listen! December 08, 2011
December 07, 2011
December 06, 2011 Looking For Work A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The U.S.doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing, my colleagues, you are way behind us in the USA, about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no guts we made him President of the United States, and now the whole country is looking for work" December 05, 2011
December 04, 2011 Why Brit Newspapers Rock Our World
December 03, 2011 Saturday Twofer Fixing A Phone A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know. Quick Takes My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. December 02, 2011 New Car For Women Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks fluids once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Male owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year. December 01, 2011 Spelling It Out BRIT'S SPECIAL HARRIER JETS FLY-BY 'SALUTE' TO OBAMA I'll BET YOU A $100 to a nickel... he never noticed what the position of the aircraft were spelling ... until one of his aides told him. Way to go Brits... love it In case Obama didn't understand how the Brits felt when he sent the bust of Churchill back to England, a gift from the English during the Bush administration. These pilots have not forgotten Obama's disrespect for America 's friend and ally. You have to look really close it spells out 2 words. Harrier jets fly past special salute to Obama to a select few. Enjoy the Brits humor on Obama's last visit. They will never forget nor forgive! The Brits may be prim and proper but they still get their point across. Harrier jets' fly past (fly-bys) over Downing Street in a air show salute to Obama. It's good to see the RAF have a sense of humor. Look at it from an angle or lean back in your chair, and squint; squinting works best.
November 30, 2011 Doing The Dishes Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, its quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has sex with her, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the damn dishes!" November 29, 2011 Twofer Tuesday Shaky Hands A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?' The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.' The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou ttwoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we do' She asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff? Trip To The Mall We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look at my Dad and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." November 28, 2011 Flying Blind A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died. After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport. "You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!" The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?" "Because I have shit running up my neck!" November 27, 2011 Temptation A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" November 26, 2011 High Flying Blonde This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .." November 25, 2011 4 Parachutes An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die. She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, John McCain, said, I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America. So he grabbed the second pack and jumped. The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.' So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out. The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The little girl said, That's okay Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my school bag. November 24, 2011 What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
1) Go buy a turkey. November 23, 2011 Turkey Trot A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?' The boy replied, 'What turkey?' The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.' The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!' The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?' The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!' May your stuffing be tasty Happy Thanksgiving! November 22, 2011 How to Start a Fight One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... * * * My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started. * * * I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... * * * My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... * * * When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. * * * My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started. * * * Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started. * * * My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started. * * * After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started. * * * My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect." And then the fight started. * * * I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. November 21, 2011 Behold, The Power of Vitamin C
November 20, 2011
November 19, 2011 Would I Lie? My faith in internet stories has been restored. Finally, some honesty in big buck hunting stories.
It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's, niece's hairdresser's, neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day, They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It has also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant. November 18, 2011 Carnation Milk – 65 Years ago. You may be tooo young! A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, the president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry ... So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall. Here is a picture:
November 17, 2011 Wit of the Scots An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So, he puts his name down at the local club. After a week, he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So, he goes down to the club to enquire why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts. Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts? Secretary: But you are a Jew? Secretary: So you are circumcised? Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that. Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus, but this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club. November 16, 2011 Confucius Didn't Say... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally, CONFUCIUS DID SAY... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" November 15, 2011 Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take an expensive bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.. November 14, 2011 Monday Twofer Two Different Doctors' Offices .... Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does! The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND patient with "Obama Care" sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. Next time take me to a vet! The Lemon Picker The woman applying for a job in a lemon grove seemed greatly over-qualified for the job; given her degree from the University of Michigan and her past jobs as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she answered "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama". "You're hired," said the foreman! November 13, 2011
November 12, 2011 He Delivers
November 11, 2011
November 10, 2011 New Gun Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Senators and Representatives. It will be named the "Congressman".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it. November 10, 2011 Bar Talk I was standing in a bar in Cairns – North Queensland and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"? "No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick. November 09, 2011 Southerners Alabama "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!" Georgia He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings." Louisiana When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world." Mississippi Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." North Carolina A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." Tennessee The driver replied, "Bout whut?" Texas "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'" *** November 08, 2011 Elder Banking Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off. November 07, 2011 Monday Twofer Life Thoughts by Ducky Marriage changes passion. Fun Stuff Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it! * * * * * * November 06, 2011 The Muslim-suicide equation Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well no shit Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.
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Copyright 1993-2012 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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