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THE PIG BLOG | PIG PRATTLERS

PIG Prattle is PIGish mixture of news, images, blatantly PIGish self-promotion, things that make us laugh and the occasional commentary. If you're looking for hard news, you'll find that in our News Digest. If you're looking for table pounding commentary, you need to pay a visit to Hambo's Hammer. Are we all on the same page now, Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question. Crayons ready?

October 28, 2014

Headlines From The Year 2059
Stolen From: Pahe One PIG

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.A

Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches - and they only average 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

October 27, 2014

The Trading Post, Navaho Style
Posted By: PFO

Swap
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'Oh, it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade...'

October 21, 2014

Some Political Tid-Bits
Posted By: PFO

10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

(Supposedly by David Letterman, but I very much doubt it.)

10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that get police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

And the #1 reason: I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers or fish in those other countries.

October 17, 2014

Adult-Themed Wisdom
Stolen From: Page One PIG

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
–Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
–George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
–George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
–Sharon Stone

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
–Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
–Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
–Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
–Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
–Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'!"
–Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
–Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
–Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
–Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
–Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
–Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
–George Burns

October 17, 2014

Eureka! At Last The Magic Formula
Stolen From: Some Network Executive

October 16, 2014

Prattle, Pasta-Slinging-Style
Submitted By: Luigi, Vinnie, Mamma Celeste, Chef Boy Ardee, Super Mario Brothers, Legitimate Businessmen and Olive Oil Importers

You know you're Italian when...

You're 5'6", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two mortadella "sangwiches," four oranges and three bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.

Your father owns five houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.

You share a bathroom with your five siblings, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.

You live in a 900-sq-ft bungalow, but still have two kitchens (one in the basement).

Your two best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

You are a card-carrying VIP at more than three dance clubs.

You have at least five cousins living on your street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.

A high school diploma and one year of community college has earned you the title of "Professore" among your aunts.

You are on a first name basis with at least four banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $25,000 on your first communion.

Your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone 30 years after immigrating.

Your grandmother has as many chin-whiskers as your grandfather.

You MUST argue to make your point.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

You know the words to "Dominick the Donkey" by heart.

Christmas Eve-only fish.

Your Nana's meatballs are the best.

Favorite movies-Godfather/Goodfellas/Bronx Tale/The Last Don/Moonstruck

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

You remember when plastic on the furniture was normal.

Know how to pronounce "manicotti."

You think athletic tee shirts are formal wear.

You think "The Sopranos" is a documentary.

You know what the terms "swag," "disrespecting the 'Bing'," and "vig" mean.

You have a hair-do that needs a building permit. Or your hair gel comes in 55-gallon drums.

Your sister still wears white to her wedding at 37 years old.
~ ~ ~
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, there they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that you are granted six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and poof she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says..."No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months."
~ ~ ~
Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
~ ~ ~
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you got to the fifth it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Darn! Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but me?"

October 14, 2014

Not-So-Ancient Chinese Secrets
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Confucius Say:

• OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

• Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for real merchandise downstairs.

• Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

• Man with broken condom often called Daddy

• Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.

• Marriage is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

• Viagra just like Disneyland .... One hour wait for 2-minute ride.

October 13, 2014

A Pain In The Apps
Stolen From: Bruce Tinsley

October 10, 2014

Go Figure
Stolen From: Scaredy Cat

October 07, 2014

Ahhh! The Good Old Days
Stolen From: Sticky Fingers

October 02, 2014

PIGish Potpourri
Stolen From: Various Sources

Quotes

"We can't afford to deport tens of thousands of illegal immigrant kids, but apparently we can afford perpetual welfare benefits for them."
– Tweet from Meta World Data

"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
– Dave Barry

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say ‘Stop! Or I’ll say stop again!’” – Robin Williams

Zingers

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

History Lesson  Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer....  June 9, 1850 - California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.  And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

DON CHERRY, Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Canadian or American life, then I have only three things to say: 'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

September 29, 2014

A Classic Craig's List Posting
Stolen From: Snopes

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics — bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults — I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them — in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810
 

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold... hence the rub... marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

September 28, 2014

Learning Arabic
Submitted By: Swine Flew

President  Obama  says we should create harmony by learning Arabic...

We might as well ALL get on the bandwagon, you included. 

The current administration wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture.

So, I'm making a sincere effort to learn to communicate with our Muslim friends and learn Arabic for the sake of 'cultural diversity.'

This is my first attempt:

September 27, 2014

The $20 Dollar Parrot
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then they began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

September 23, 2014

Creation - The Southern Version
Stolen From: Page One PIG

In the beginning God created day and night. He created the day for football games, going to the beach, and having barbecues (BBQ's).

He created night for going fishing, sleeping and more BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for boating, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God caused the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals for making chops, sausages, and steak to go on the BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Redneck to go to the football game, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat from at the BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that 'Bubba' was lonely and needed someone to go to the football game, boat, drink beer, and stand around the Barbecue with.

So God created pals, and God saw that they were good ol' boys, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbecue fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the guys. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling sausages, and God Saw that it was real good ...But there was only one problem,

God saw that the guys were too tired to clean up, and they needed a rest. So God created babes - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the barbecue, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that. It was Bloody Awesome!

September 22, 2014

Jewish Divorce
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv." All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multimillionaire businessman. You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion. You drive a $250,000 Ferrari. You get $2,000 a week allowance. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away.... over 45 cents?"

September 21, 2014

Exchanging Gifts
Submitted By: PIGster GM

Makes you think..

A few years ago, the terrorist organization Hamas, sent a gift to the President of Israel in an elaborate box with a note.

After having the box checked for safety reasons, the President of Israel, Mr. Shimon Peres, opened the box and saw that the
content was feces (shit, merde).

He opened the note which said "For you and the proud people of Israel."

Being a wise and experienced person, he decided to reciprocate, sending Hamas a very pretty package and enclosed a note.

The leaders of Hamas were very surprised to receive the parcel and opened it very carefully suspecting that it might contain a bomb.

But to their surprise they saw that it contained a tiny computer chip.

The chip was rechargeable with solar energy, had a 18 terabyte memory, and could output a 3D hologram display capable of functioning in any type of cellular phone, tablet or laptop.

It was one of the world's most advanced technologies, invented and produced in Israel.

The accompanying note to the Hamas leaders stated very courteously...

'Every leader gives the best his people can produce.'

September 18, 2014

Let's Offend Everyone
Submitted By: Swine Flew

Q.  What's the Cuban National Anthem? 
A.   Row, Row, Row Your Boat. 

Q.   Where does an Irish family go on vacation ? 
A.     A different bar. 

Q.   What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? 
A.    Sum Ting Wong. 
 
Q.   What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?  A.    A speech impediment. 

Q.   Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans On Star Trek? 
A.    Because they're not going to work in the future either. 
 
Q.   Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
       Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 
A.    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 
 
Q.   What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.    The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q   How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? 
A.   Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell,  'BINGO!' 

Q.   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? 
A.   A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...' 
    A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe  this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? 
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

September 15, 2014

From Our Idiot Files
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Number One Idiot: I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~ ~ ~
Number Two Idiot: Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move !" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign. (Must have been Wolverine football players.)
~ ~ ~
Number Four Idiot: Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign.
~ ~ ~
Number Five Idiot: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." Take the sign - Please!
~ ~ ~
Stay Alert! They walk among us ... they reproduce ... they vote and a lot of them hold public office.

September 14, 2014

A Real Gun Nut
Submitted By: Pea Shooter

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he'd just be "Billy Joe, who's a little short on ammo."

September 11, 2014

McDonald’s Drops $15.00 “Living” Wage Bomb
Posted By: McPorcus

In a surprise move CEO Donald Thompson of McDonald’s Restaurants announced they had reached an agreement with the SEIU and would start paying its workers a “Living Wage” of $15.00 per hour the first of October. Mr. Thompson issued a press release stating, “As a company we realize we have been negligent in paying our employees a real living wage for the last 60 years, so in the spirit of social well-being, we have decided to comply with the wishes of the White House and the SEIU.”

The Service Employees International Union spokesman, Seymour Pecunia, said that he “was very happy that McDonald’s had agreed to their demands.” He was also hopeful that McDonald’s decision would lead to similar agreements with Burger King, Wendy’s, Hardee’s and Taco Bell.   As the largest retail seller of fast food, the agreement will set a high bar for other fast-food chains to meet.

It is estimated the move will cost the company over 100 million dollars the first year. Much of the cost will be made up in higher food prices according to management sources.  “We have been working on new price guidelines for several months and think we have come up with a workable menu pricing guideline for our franchisees.

This reporter asked if he could elaborate on the new pricing schedule and he gave us the following examples:

Big Mac                       $11.00
Quarter Pounder           12.50
McFish                             8.00
McDouble                        7.00
Large Fries                      5.00
Apple Pie                         5.00
Large Coke                      5.00

We think these prices will enable us to maintain the same high quality of products while at the same time paying the higher wages.  Of course we will be reviewing our profit margins and if we are falling short of our goals, we will increase the prices as necessary. In the interest of family dinning we will still have our very popular Dollar Menu items, but now they will be on the $5.00 Menu.

When asked for a statement on this major development, the other major chains declined comment, except for Wendy’s, who’s spokesperson, Wendy Thomas, read from a prepared statement saying in part, “After all these years of friendly competition, it will be difficult to see Ronald McDonald in the unemployment line.”

This article is written as Satire, however, more often than not, Satire often predicts the future of major social changes.

September 10, 2014

A True Loss
Submitted By: PIGster GM

It seems that every couple of days New Orleans loses one of its treasured
ENTREPRENEURS

Let’s get the players straight before we go on with this.. 


LARMONDO "FLAIR" ALLEN

His Companion: Kawanner Armstrong

His Sons :
Christian Allen
Kwan Allen
Larmondo Allen, Jr.

His Daughters :
Deidra Allen
Larmenshell Allen
Lamonshea Allen
Larmomdriel Allen
Larmerja Allen
Korevell Allen


AT AGE 25 - He had 9 Children.
His Father: Burnell Thompson 
His Mother: Esther Allen 
His Stepfather: Bruce Gordy
His Brothers: Burnell Thompson 
Edgar Thompson 
Wil Willis 
Danta Edwards
Reshe Edwards
Mattnell Allen 
Burnell Allen 
Lester Allen
His Sisters: Shannail CraigLekiksha Thompson 
Gwendolyn Carter
Jessica Willis 
Katina Gordy
Grandparents: Delors Allen 
J.C. Allen 
Anna Laura Thompson 
Will Thompson 

GOT THE ABOVE ALL STRAIGHT?

NOW, THE REST OF THE STORY


He was 25 and had 3 sons and 6 daughters. NINE welfare recipients collecting $950 each .....

That equals $8,550 a month! Now add food stamps, free medical, free school lunches, and on and on.

Do the math...$102,000+ /year.

Anyone out there, sittin' on their butt while reading this e-mail, making A HUNDRED GRAND doing nothing? 

Now that, to me, is a real Entrepreneur.


(ALSO, BECAUSE OF THEIR FATHERS DEATH, ALL OF THE KIDS WILL COLLECT SOCIAL SECURITY UNTIL THEY ARE 18)

EVEN BETTER...IF "FLAIR'S"  THIRTEEN BROTHERS & SISTERS FOLLOWED HIS ENTREPRENEURIAL
STRATEGY THAT'S AN ADDITIONAL$1.3 MILLION PER YEAR

BUT WAIT...THERE'SMORE!

IF ALL THIRTEEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS CAN DUPLICATE HIS FEAT OF 9 WELFARE STRATEGISTS THAT BREEDS 117 NEW RECIPIENTS COLLECTING $100,000/YR!!...OR AN ADDITIONAL$11,700,000 PER YEAR... and, THAT'S ONE DAMN FAMILY! 

And THAT is one of the reasons why this once great country is 
BANKRUPT!

September 05, 2014

10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand
Posted By: Porcus

Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.

Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

September 04, 2014

So Funny We Forgot To Laugh
Found Floating In Cyberspace

September 01, 2014

The Lords Prayer
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Lords Prayer For School
By a 15 yr. old school kid who got an A+ for this entry

The Lord's Prayer Is not allowed in most Public schools anymore Because the word 'God' is mentioned. A kid in Winnipeg wrote a new school prayer:
~ ~ ~
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the Provence.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

August 30, 2014

Chain Letter Reaction
Submitted By: Anonymous

August 29, 2014

Extreme Rednecking
Stolen From: Page One PIG

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

August 28, 2014

She Had Four Husbands
Submitted By: Swine Flew

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation..

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

August 26, 2014

Grins and Snickers
Stolen From: Page One PIG

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" (Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
~ ~ ~
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
~ ~ ~
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
~ ~ ~
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
~ ~ ~
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
~ ~ ~
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
~ ~ ~
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
~ ~ ~
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
~ ~ ~
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

August 25, 2014

I Met An Older Woman
Submitted By: Swine Flew

I met An Older Woman At A Bar Last Night

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

August 24, 2014

Punology
Stolen From: Page One PIG

• I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.
• When chemists die, do they barium?
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
• This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

August 23, 2014

Gay-KK
Stolen From: Page One PIG

[Mbatt] The Land of the Free has become the Tyranny of the Depraved:

On August 8, [the New York State Division of Human Rights] fined Cynthia and Robert Gifford $13,000 for acting on their belief that marriage is the union of a man and woman and thus declining to rent out their family farm for a same-sex wedding celebration.

Here's what happened:

In 2012, Melissa Erwin and Jennie McCarthy contacted the Giffords to rent the family's barn for their same-sex wedding ceremony and reception. Cynthia Gifford responded that she and her husband would have to decline their request as they felt they could not in good conscience host a same-sex wedding ceremony at their home.

Decent people would understand and celebrate their parody of a marriage somewhere else. But homosexual militants are not known for their decency. They appear to derive great satisfaction from using the government to force people who are appalled by their perverse lifestyles to participate in them.

The Giffords have owned and operated Liberty Ridge Farm in Schaghticoke, New York for over 25 years. Like many small farm families, they often open the farm to the public for events like berry picking, fall festivals, and pig racing. …

They also open their home for weddings and receptions. When the Giffords host weddings, they are involved in every aspect of the wedding planning and celebration: they greet and drive guests in their farm trolley, decorate the barn, set up floral arrangements, arrange fireworks displays, and provide catering. As the Human Rights Commission ruling even points out, "the only wedding-related service Liberty Ridge Farm does not offer is providing the official for the wedding ceremony."

The bridal suite is right in their own home.

As many brides know, planning a wedding requires hours of careful work to organize in order to pull off the celebration—hours during which family businesses operating venues like the Giffords' actively participate in the weddings they host. The Giffords believe that as free citizens running a business, they should have the right to decline to participate in an event that does not reflect their values.

Unfortunately, New York's Human Right's law (Executive Law, art. 15) creates special privileges based on sexual orientation that trump the rights of business owners.

These unjust privileges also trump the fundamental individual right of freedom of association.

Because the Giffords' family farm is open to the public for business, New York classifies it as a "public accommodation" and then mandates that it not "discriminate" on the basis of sexual orientation.

This means that like any business, they can refuse service for any reason — except to persons of elevated legal status. We are all equal before the law. But under rule by liberals, those who define themselves by the aberrant sexual practices they indulge in are more equal.

The Giffords were not engaging in any insidious discrimination—they were acting on their belief about the nature of marriage. They do not object to gay or lesbian customers attending the fall festivals, or going berry picking, or doing any of the other activities that the farm facilitates. The Giffords' only objection is to being forced to abide by the government's views on sexuality and host a same-sex wedding. The Human Rights Commission has now declared this historic belief about marriage to be "discrimination."

The Giffords must pay a $1,500 mental anguish fine to each of the women and pay $10,000 in civil damages penalty to New York State.

The farce of pretending that the bullies who dragged this innocent family into court are the victims and deserve compensation for "mental anguish" should be too much for even liberals to stomach.

Like Jack Phillips of Masterpiece Cakeshop, the Giffords must also institute anti-discrimination re-education classes and procedures for their staff.

That is, they must pay to have their employees brainwashed to reject their own values — values that have defined civilization for millennia.

The question before all citizens is whether this law and this fine are just. Should the government be able to force family businesses to betray their consciences and participate in ceremonies that violate their beliefs? Should the government be in the business of "rehabilitating" consciences or "re-educating" its citizens to change their moral beliefs about the definition of marriage?

Here I have to disagree. These aren't the questions, because the answers are obvious.

The question is: how are we going to restore freedom and dignity by liberating ourselves from the twisted tyranny we are living under?

August 22, 2014

We Need More Tolerance
Submitted By: Lone Star

Higgs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario , says. "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in  Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two  nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."  Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

 Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others. Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
     
And  if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!

August 20, 2014

Conundrums
Stolen From: Page One PIG

The definition of the word conundrum is something that is puzzling or confusing. Here are six conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about – yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! That, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st century.

Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering...

2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't. Think about it.

and last but not least,

3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.

August 18, 2014

Jesus For Hire
Submitted By: Swine Flew

As I was walking home the other day, worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine etc. and at how our life as a nation is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

August 17, 2014

Feel Good Education
Submitted By: Swine Flew

The continuing move by the government run education establishment to standardize outcome so that there are no winners and no losers is leading us towards oblivion. How would you like your banker to be the one who got an "A" when he couldn't make change of a dollar with 4 quarters? How about your pilot? The engineer who designed your car? I think we are already seeing that.

With that in mind I make the following suggestions:

Everyone gets an "A" to keep the feel good wingnuts happy but there are different class levels.

Math: 1. Can do calculus in his or her head, 2. Knows how to program a spreadsheet. 3. Can count to 20 as long as he can take his shoes off first.

Science: 1. Understands and can explain Einsteins theories. 2. Can explain where energy comes from, how it is used, and what it's cost is. 3. Believes everything Al Gore says.

Government: 1. Read and understands the meaning of the Federalist Papers. 2. Knows his rights under the Constitution and where government money comes from. 3. Where's my Obama Phone?

After these people are turned loose on the world the third group will still have the same rights as the first two with some modifications. The third group will use government printed money while the first two will use real money. The third group will still fly and ride in airplanes, the planes just won't have wings (think Greyhound). The folks that ride in those planes won't notice anyway. TSA will only be allowed to grope group 3. Only groups 1 and 2 can own guns and group 3 has to drive VW microbusses and eat tofu. Group 3 can still vote but only for Hollywood actors and they can only serve on TV soap operas and West Wing.

August 16, 2014

Israeli Humor
Submitted By: GM

An Israeli Sense of Humor at United Nations set the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: 'before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? That is a Zionist lie! There were no Palestinians there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

August 15, 2014
For You Romantics
Submitted By: Lone Star

For you true romantics

 Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

August 14, 2014

Where Is The Rake?
Stolen From: Page One PIG

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.  I realized that I couldn't find the rake.  I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

My wife wasn't sure and said "What?"  I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back.  She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.  Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies,  "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"!'

August 13, 2014

Teddy Bear Justice
Stolen From:A Cyberspace PIGster

Joan Holland lost her teenage son, Andrew, in 2007 after he was stabbed to death.

Understandably distraught, the grieving mother has since visited her son’s grave every Sunday, leaving tokens like flowers and figurines in his memory.

After a while, Holland noticed that many of these items were disappearing from the grave site. Then, on Mother’s Day 2014, she found that every single thing at the memorial had been taken.

That’s when the family decided to catch the serial grave robber, with the help of this guy:

From the Mirror:

Mrs Holland’s son Martin bought a £200 tracker and they stitched it into a teddy bear, leaving it on the grave in St Michael’s churchyard, Bolton, Greater Manchester.
*
And the move worked.
*
The next day, at 5pm, Mrs Holland’s daughter-in-law received an automatic alert warning her the teddy was being moved and the family was able to track the teddy’s route via GPS.

The family followed the tracker to an apartment and then called police. Officers entered the building and arrested Andrew Balshaw, who later admitted he was stealing the items as gifts for his girlfriend. Police were able to recover the teddy bear, as well as several other items that had been taken.

Balshaw was sentenced to 12 months in prison for his actions. Holland expressed that while she felt the sentence wasn’t long enough, she was thankful that justice had been served.

And now, thanks to her clever idea, she will be able to remember her son without worrying about this insensitive thief.

August 12, 2014

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Stolen From:Page One PIG

Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Women's Revenge

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace, listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

August 11, 2014

Words Of Wisdom
Posted By: Porcus

August 10, 2014

Dedicated To PIG's Staff
Posted By: Porcus

 

Dying With "Dignity"
Submitted By: Lone Star

As we each come to the realization that we have far more miles behind us than ahead of us, this is something we each should consider...

Dying  With  Dignity

.

I have already informed my family that  I will not be able to  afford an expensive  nursing home which would  allow me to  die with dignity.  Therefore, I have moved to Ecuador so that I can  spend my
final years enjoying life and dying with Dignity!

Dignity said to say hello! 

August 04, 2014

Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”

So Mario asks, “So, what do I do with these things, doc?”

The doctor replies, “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other blue.

If she says, ‘That’s the strangest set of balls I’ve ever seen!’ …you hit her with the shovel.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 
Copyright 1993-2014 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette


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