March 20, 2010

The 6 Answers We Have All Been Waiting For
Submitted by: PIGster Big Apple Tony
Posted by: Hambo

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they Go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

March 19, 2010

The Devil Made Us Post This
Submitted by: Some Horny Devil
Posted by: Some Hellion

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? YOU PERVERT

March 17, 2010

Is It Time To Wake Up Yet?
Submitted by: Lone star
Posted by: Porcus

Barack Obama Has Awakened A Sleeping Nation
Gary Hubbell
Aspen Times Weekly

Barack Obama is the best thing that has happened to America in the last 100 years. Truly, he is the savior of America's future.  He is the best thing ever.

Despite the fact that he has some of the lowest approval ratings among recent presidents, history will see Barack Obama as the source of America's resurrection.  Barack Obama has plunged the country into levels of debt that we could not have previously imagined; his efforts to nationalize health care have been met with fierce resistance nationwide; TARP bailouts and stimulus spending have shown little positive effect on the national economy; unemployment is unacceptably high and looks to remain that way for most of a decade; legacy entitlement programs have ballooned to unsustainable levels, and there is a seething anger in the populace.

That's why Barack Obama is such a good thing for America.

Obama is the symbol of a creeping liberalism that has infected our society like a cancer for the last 100 years.  Just as Hitler is the face of fascism, Obama will go down in history as the face of unchecked liberalism.  The cancer metastasized to the point where it could no longer be ignored.

Average Americans who have quietly gone about their lives, earning a paycheck, contributing to their favorite charities, going to high school football games on Friday night, spending their weekends at the beach or on hunting trips - they've gotten off the fence.  They've woken up. There is a level of political activism in this country that we haven't seen since the American Revolution, and Barack Obama has been the catalyst that has sparked a restructuring of the American political and social consciousness.

Think of the crap we've slowly learned to tolerate over the past 50 years as liberalism sought to re-structure the America that was the symbol of freedom and liberty to all the people of the world.  Immigration laws were ignored on the basis of compassion.  Welfare policies encouraged irresponsibility, the fracturing of families, and a cycle of generations of dependency. Debt was regarded as a tonic to lubricate the economy.  Our children left school having been taught that they are exceptional and special, while great numbers of them cannot perform basic functions of mathematics and literacy.  Legislators decided that people could not be trusted to defend their own homes, and stripped citizens of their rights to own firearms.  Productive members of society have been penalized with a heavy burden of taxes in order to support legions of do-nothings who loll around, reveling in their addictions, obesity, indolence, ignorance and "disabilities."  Criminals have been arrested and re-arrested, coddled and set free to pillage the citizenry yet again.  Lawyers routinely extort fortunes from doctors, contractors and business people with dubious torts.

We slowly learned to tolerate these outrages, shaking our heads in disbelief, and we went on with our lives.

But Barack Obama has ripped the lid off a seething cauldron of dissatisfaction and unrest.

In the time of Barack Obama, Black Panther members stand outside polling places in black commando uniforms, slapping truncheons into their palms. ACORN - a taxpayer-supported organization - was given a role in taking the census, even after its members were caught on tape offering advice to set up child prostitution rings.  A former Communist is given a paid government position in the White House as an advisor to the president.   Auto companies are taken over by the government, and the auto workers' union - whose contracts are completely insupportable in any economic sense - is rewarded with a stake in the company.  Government bails out Wall Street investment bankers and insurance companies, who pay their executives outrageous bonuses as thanks for the public support.  Terrorists are read their Miranda rights and given free lawyers.  And, despite overwhelming public disapproval, Barack Obama has pushed forward with a health care plan that would re-structure one-sixth of the American economy.

I don't know about you, but the other day I was at the courthouse doing some business, and I stepped into the court clerk's office and changed my voter affiliation from "Independent" to "Republican."  I am under no illusion that the Republican party is perfect, but at least they're starting to awaken to the fact that we cannot sustain massive levels of debt; we cannot afford to hand out billions of dollars in corporate subsidies; we have to somehow trim our massive entitlement programs; we can no longer be the world's policeman and dole out billions in aid to countries whose citizens seek to harm us.

Literally millions of Americans have had enough. They're organizing, they're studying the Constitution and the Federalist Papers, they're reading history and case law, they're showing up at rallies and meetings, and a slew of conservative candidates are throwing their hats into the ring. Is there a revolution brewing? Yes, in the sense that there is a keen awareness that our priorities and sensibilities must be radically re-structured.  Will it be a violent revolution?  No.  It will be done through the interpretation of the original document that has guided us for 220 years - the Constitution.  Just as the pendulum swung to embrace political correctness and liberalism, there will be a backlash, a complete repudiation of a hundred years of nonsense.  A hundred years from now, history will perceive the year 2010 as the time when America got back on the right track.  And for that, we can thank Barack Hussein Obama.

>>> Click Here For Original Article >>>

March 16, 2010

No Parent Left Behind
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday ... She had the shits. (BEST ONE)

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17.. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral. (and then she's COMING back to school?)

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!

March 15, 2010

Bob's Night Out
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be Saturday.

March 14, 2010

Grandpa & Technology
Submitted by: Some Victim of Technological Terrorism
Posted by: Some Technological Neanderthal

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing.

Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up. That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger. One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly-fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that 'dealing with an elder despair' look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us. He then called his clients and told them he was faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad."

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.

Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Jill, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,"Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Have a nice weekend.

Grandpa

March 13, 2010

The Human Body
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

March 12, 2010

4 Tickets Left
Submitted by: Terri T.
Posted by: Porcus

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, Texas if anybody wants them.

Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

March 11, 2010

A Craig's List Classic
Submitted by: Terri T.
Posted by: Porcus

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09,
1:43 A M EST.
 
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
  
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
 
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
               
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
  
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. (That made his day!)

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
  
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
 Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
 
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
  
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!
  
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

March 10, 2010

Census Takes
Posted by: PPS

Today, I got two Census-related missives in our FSOP e-mail.

PIGster MILFhunter wrote:

I had a comment and a question about the census. First, my comment. I received a letter in the mail today from the census bureau informing me that I will be receiving a letter from the census bureau......WHAT? I assume that every household either has or will receive this particular letter. And based on pure assumption, there are roughly 100 million household in this great nation of ours. Based on the fact that, between ink, paper, envelope and postage, it costs 50-55 cents to mail said letter, I am to assume that the federal government just spent 50-55 million dollars to let us know that ANOTHER LETTER WILL FOLLOW!!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?!? Add that to the unknown millions spent on those god-awful commercials, and the all-knowing all-wise government has spent hundreds of millions of taxpayer money advertising something that EVERY THINKING AMERICAN has known for years.

I know the census is necessary, and, most likely, the ONLY thing in the constitution that the government upholds anymore, but an advertising blitz, like it's the new formula of coke? I fear for this country. Now for my question. What is the bare minimum that I must legally fill out in said, advertised upcoming census?

Maybe this PIGster Swine Flew rant will resolve PIGster MILFhunter’s unresolved Census issues:

How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

We ask this question to help get an accurate count of the number of people in the household on Census Day, April 1, 2010. The answer should be based on the guidelines in the 'Start here' section. We use the information to ensure response accuracy and completeness and to contact respondents whose forms have incomplete or missing information.

Were there any additional people staying here April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question 1?

Asked since 1880. We ask this question to help identify people who may have been excluded in the count provided in Question 1. We use the information to ensure response accuracy and completeness and to contact respondents whose forms have incomplete or missing information.

SF: This must be from the office of redundancy and repetition. How does this unsure accuracy and completeness? If I put zero in the first question and three here am I still correct?

Is this house, apartment, or mobile home: owned with mortgage, owned without mortgage, rented, occupied without rent?

Asked since 1890. Homeownership rates serve as an indicator of the nation's economy. The data are also used to administer housing programs and to inform planning decisions.

SF: Considering the current housing bubble collapse are they going to flip this around? If I enter occupied without rent will the IRS come to visit. How about if I just answer yes?

What is your telephone number?

We ask for a phone number in case we need to contact a respondent when a form is returned with incomplete or missing information.

SF: “Hi, we’re from ACORN………….

Please provide information for each person living here. Start with a person here who owns or rents this house, apartment, or mobile home. If the owner or renter lives somewhere else, start with any adult living here. This will be Person 1. What is Person 1's name?

Listing the name of each person in the household helps the respondent to include all members, particularly in large households where a respondent may forget who was counted and who was not. Also, names are needed if additional information about an individual must be obtained to complete the census form. Federal law protects the confidentiality of personal information, including names.

SF: George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman………. Federal law may forbid breaking confidentiality but protect? I think not. If the household is so big that you can’t count ‘em what gives you the idea they know all of the names?

What is Person 1's sex?

Asked since 1790. Census data about sex are important because many federal programs must differentiate between males and females for funding, implementing and evaluating their programs. For instance, laws promoting equal employment opportunity for women require census data on sex. Also, sociologists, economists, and other researchers who analyze social and economic trends use the data.

SF: Federal programs that violate the Constitution should not be enabled.

What is Person 1's age and Date of Birth?

Asked since 1800. Federal, state, and local governments need data about age to interpret most social and economic characteristics, such as forecasting the number of people eligible for Social Security or Medicare benefits. The data are widely used in planning and evaluating government programs and policies that provide funds or services for children, working-age adults, women of childbearing age, or the older population.

SF: Asked since 1800 for forecasting the number of people eligible for Social InSecurity? Since we regularly pay Social Security for dead people and Social Security regularly declares someone dead, who isn’t, how does this help? Also more discriminatory programs that are in direct violation on the Constitution.

Is Person 1 of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin?

Asked since 1970. The data collected in this question are needed by federal agencies to monitor compliance with anti-discrimination provisions, such as under the Voting Rights Act and the Civil Rights Act. State and local governments may use the data to help plan and administer bilingual programs for people of Hispanic origin.

SF: How come Hispanics get their own question? More discrimination. I want a white, male, gun owning, English speaking, payer of taxes question. The only way this could be used to monitor anti-discrimination provisions is using a quota system. And, of course we need to plan bilingual programs

What is Person 1's race?

Asked since 1790. Race is key to implementing many federal laws and is needed to monitor compliance with the Voting Rights Act and the Civil Rights Act. State governments use the data to determine congressional, state and local voting districts. Race data are also used to assess fairness of employment practices, to monitor racial disparities in characteristics such as health and education and to plan and obtain funds for public services.

SF: Now we get the question for the rest of us. This is used for determining voting districts??????? #@&(%!!!.

Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay somewhere else?

This is another question we ask in order to ensure response accuracy and completeness and to contact respondents whose forms have incomplete or missing information.

SF: I can’t speak for the rest of you I’m thinking of living in a bottle for a while and I think most of the feds live in lala land most of the time.

March 09, 2010

Walking Eagle
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Hambo

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York .

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his red sisters and brothers.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle”. The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Obama.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

March 08, 2010

Brain Teasers
Submitted by: Some Smartass
Posted by: Some Dumbass

The Questions

The Answers

 

March 07, 2010

Rosary True Believer Humor
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

THE POOR BOX

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

* * * * *

LEMON SQUEEZE

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

* * * * *

CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

* * * * *

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

* * * * *

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"

March 06, 2010

Feeling Fuelish
Source: PIGster Redneck
Posted by: PPS

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve
oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed. "Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No."

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee."

March 05, 2010

PIG - GASP!!!!! - Thanks Messiah Barry?
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

Thank You Barack Obama!

Barack Obama has done more for America in his first year than most presidents.

That is right - I will say it thank God for Barack Obama why?

He destroyed the Clinton Political Machine: Driving a stake thru the heart of Hillary's Presidential aspirations - something no Republican was ever able to do. Remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the daylights out of you!

He killed off the Kennedy Dynasty: No more Kennedy's trolling Washington looking for booze and women wanting rides home. American women and Freedom are safer tonight!

He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes!

Dennis Moore had never lost a race - quit
Evan Bayh had never lost a race - quit
Byron Dorgan - had never lost a race - quit
Harry Reed - in all probability - GONE

These are just a handful of the Democrats that whose political careers Obama has destroyed! By the end of 2010 dozens more will be!

In December of 2008 the Democrats were on the rise. In the last two election cycles, they had picked up 14 senate seats and 52 house seats. The press was touting the death of the Conservative Movement and the Republican Party.

In one year Obama put a stop to all of this and will probably give the house, if not the senate back to the Republicans.

He has completely exposed liberals and progressives (extremists) for what they are. Every generation seems to need to relearn the lesson on why they should never actually put liberals in charge. He is bringing home the lesson very well!

Liberals tax, borrow and spend - check
Liberals won't bring themselves to protect America - check
Liberals want to take over the economy - check
Liberals think they know what is best for everyone - check
Liberals aren't happy till they are running YOUR life - check

He has brought more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Reagan In One year he rejuvenated the Conservative movement and brought out to the streets millions of Freedom Loving Americans. Name me one other time in your life that you saw your friends and neighbors this interested in taking back America!

In all honesty one year ago I was more afraid than I had ever been in my life. Not of the economy but of the direction our country was going. I thought Americans had forgotten what this country was all about. My neighbors, friends, strangers proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of the American people was flat out wrong.

When the American People wake up, no smooth talking teleprompter reader can fool them! Barack Obama woke up these Great Americans!

Again I want say - Thank you Barack Obama!

March 04, 2010

Bang For The Buck
Submitted By: Some Wishful Thinker
Posted By: Saving My Pennies

The new Ferrari "458 Italia" .. This is what it looks like!

And This Is What It Does..

Any questions? Where do I order mine???

March 03, 2010

An Al Gore Moment
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

A California Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Dallas when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

March 02, 2010

Amazing Creatures
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures without the need for resorting to fiction.     Some are rare; some are on the verge of extinction.   Here are some of the most peculiar creatures known to mankind.

Aye-Aye

Blobfish

Yeti Crab

Pink Fairy Armadillo

Left Winged Dingbat

March 01, 2010

What's In A Name
Submitted by: Cisco Kid
Posted by: Porcus

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: http://www.expertsexchange.com/  

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island'.
It can be found at: http://www.penisland.net/  

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company.
Check it out at: http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky
Web site: http://www.speedofart.com/

February 28, 2010

Do You Know Her?
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

I'm not sure who this woman is...

...but she claims she knows you.

February 27, 2010

Little Melissa
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the cock sucker.'

February 26, 2010

Friday Tripleheader
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

Item #1: Vatican Humor

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 
  
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 
  
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the  Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 
  
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning... 
  
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. 
  
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German...) 
  
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 
  
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. 
  
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 
  
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. 
  
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph. 
  
'So bust him,' says the Chief. 
  
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop..   

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 
  
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence 
  
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' 

Cop:'Bigger.' 
  
Chief: ' A senator?' 

Cop: 'Bigger.'   
  
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' 

Cop:Bigger.' 
  
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' 
  
Cop: 'I think it's God!' 
  
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' 
  
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'     

Item #2: Inner Peace
          
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,  

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,  

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,  

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,  

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,    

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,  

Then You Are  Probably ...

...The Family Dog!

Item #3: The Farmer

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. 

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" 
 
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating." 

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman. 

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" 

"What a coincidence," said the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." 

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" 

"I used a different cock," he replied. 

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence."

February 25, 2010

The World According To Swine Flew
Submitted by: Who The Hell Do You Think?
Posted by: Porcus

1. Fair: We take your money and give it to someone who has never done an honest days work in his/her/it’s life.  Also see Welfare.
2. Crisis: We take your money and use it to further screw up something we screwed up with the last money we took from you.
3. Essential Services: We take your money and give it to unionized civil service employees whose sole purpose in life is to piss you off and get overtime.
4. Reparations: We take your money because your great great great ancestors might have participated in or made profit from a vile practice, still perpetrated by Islam, and give it to someone whose great great great ancestors might have been a victim of previously mentioned vile practice even though said ancestors may have participated in said vile practice themselves.
5. Emergency: We take your money and give it to people that knowingly live below sea level and pay no attention to evacuation orders.
6. Endangered Species: We take your money and give it to a so called environmental organization to save the spotted cross eyed toe jam that normal people have tried to eradicate for centuries.
7. Social Security: We take your money and promise to give it back when you retire but spend it, instead, on one or more of the totally unrelated items listed above.
8. Medicare: See Social Security.
9. Voters Rights: We take your money to help someone vote who hasn’t a clue what’s going on and probably has no right to vote in the first place.
10. Clean Air Fund: We take your money and give it to someone else to buy something to generate “clean” energy that works at a net loss because the technology isn’t ready and/or makes noise and turns birds into a chum.
11. Gun Control: We take your guns so that you can’t stop us from taking your money.
12. Emergency Heating Fund: We take your money to pay poor folks to heat their houses because Global Warming is causing them to freeze their ass off.
13. Healthcare Bill: We take any money left so that no one but us has any money left to pay for healthcare.
14. Stimulus Bill: We’re running out of ways to take your money so we’ll just spend money that doesn’t exist and figure out later how to take more of your money.
15. Job Creation Bill: We spend even more money that doesn’t exist to create more government jobs to help come up with newer ways to take your money.

February 24, 2010

Heaven And Hell
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in n heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted."

February 23, 2010

Wal-Mart Goes Hi-Tech
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

One day in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike  replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about  it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10, much cheaper than a doctor."

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  

Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your  arm in warm water and Epsom salts found in aisle  2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2  weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle  9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with  anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your  daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into  rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They  aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!

Taped Tatas
Submitted by: Some PIGster
Posted by: PPS

Duct Tape

Is there anything it can't do?

 

February 21, 2010

Dear Abby
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Posted by: PPS

February 20, 2010

Tennessee Deputy Sheriff vs New York Lawyer
Submitted by: PIGster Terri T.
Posted by: Hambo

Only in Tennessee my friends... Only in Tennessee ...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Tennessee

February 19, 2010

Humor Twofer
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

Immigrant Style

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "You do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So, finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, well, I've been in this game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from every kind of weirdo. How bad could immigrant style be?

So, she agrees, and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him, and says, "Hey, I was expecting something weird and disgusting. But that was pretty good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

And that, my friendly taxpayers, is exactly how the illegal immigrants are screwing us!

A Winning Blonde Moment

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

February 16, 2010

What A Pair!
Submitted by: PIGster King
Posted by: Hambo

This is so bad I am only sending it out to certain people that I thought could handle it.

Unbelievable...Here’s a photo of a woman with the two biggest boobs I have ever seen....

Warning! This photo will shock you!

 

February 14, 2010

Toy Of The Year
Submitted by: Terri T

 

February 12, 2010

Blonde Moment Threefer
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Hambo

Blonde & Bartender

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. ''T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duh''.

Blind Cowboy Wanders into Bar

An old, Blind Cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, ya wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."

"Now think about it seriously, Mister…Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,"No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

February 09, 2010

A Death In The Family...
Submitted by: Bryan W.
Posted by: Porcus

I hope you heard! I about drove off the road with excitement when I heard the announcement over the radio!!

February 08, 2010

Ticker Tape Parade Time?
Submitted by: Lone Star
Posted by: Porcus

All The FSOP can say is "It's about f***ing time!!!"

February 07, 2010

Drug Problem
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: PPS

February 06, 2010

Enough Said
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: PPS

February 04, 2010

The Hitman
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
 
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
 
So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
 
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
 
"I'm a hitman," was the reply.
 
"You're joking!" was the response.
 
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
 
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a  look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
 
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
 
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
 
"Can you do two for me now?"
 
"Sure, what do you want?"
 
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."
 
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
 
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.
 
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.......”

February 03, 2010

Tragedy Strikes Again
Submitted by: Pigster Prime
Posted by: Porcus

Another heartbreak for New Orleans! Below is presented why the economy of New Orleans will likely never completely recover, again...!

It seems like every couple of days New Orleans loses one of its treasured entrepreneurs. These people are the hope for the city and we must call a halt to this unfortunate trend if we ever expect to see a vibrant city again.

Entrepreneur?

It took me a couple of minutes to get it, but imagine, NINE welfare recipients collecting $1500 each .... that equals $13,500 a month! Now add food stamps, free medical, free school lunches, on and on and on. Now that to me is a real Entrepreneur. Makes one proud to be a Democrat.

February 01, 2010

Old Fart Football
Submitted by: Bill T.
Posted by: Porcus

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'Its Fart Football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

January 30, 2010

You Might Be a Redneck...a different take
Submitted by: Terri T.
Posted by: Hambo

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya 'll are.

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening...

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

January 28, 2010

Thursday Trifecta
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

Item #1: The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .  When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."  

Item #2: Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

Item #3: Obama And The Seven Dorks

January 27, 2010

I Ain't Swimmin' There!
Submitted by: Sheriff Brody And Captain Quinn
Posted by: Porcus

So much for swimming in the Chesapeake Bay near Sandy Point State Park.

Annapolis MD

While the vessel 'Dawn Raider' out of Marklys Marina in Essex, Md. Was fishing for Striped Bass (also locally known as Rock Fish), this Great White was hooked in the mouth but only resisted slightly for 15 minutes before it came up alongside the boat to have a look; long enough for one of the crew members to slip a rope a round it's tail! And that's when things heated up!

...The Shark took off towing the 42 foot fishing boat backwards through the water at about 7 Knots. Just like in JAWS, the boat was taking on water over the stern and the crew watched in horror as the shark would actually jump completely out of the water at times. This went on for an hour before the shark finally drowned. She weighed in at 1,035 LBS. It is suspected she followed a weak El Nino current into local waters in search of food. Although mid 60 degree water is considered ideal for these sharks, the larger ones can tolerate water in the low 50s.

Markley's Marina
Essex, MD

NOTE: THE TAIL FIN IS THE SIZE OF A MAN!

January 25, 2010

Airplanes
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

Hand Prop - Start Procedures:

This photo is absolutely incredible...

But, can you tell what's wrong with it?

Yep, guess you spotted it, too.?

Never, never try to Prop - Start an aircraft without chocking the wheels !!!

I am sure that caught your eye right away like it did mine.

January 24, 2010

Police Code ‘AH’
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Hambo

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

January 23, 2010

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
Submitted by: PIGster King
Posted by: Hambo

Two Different Versions... ......... .... Two Different Morals

TRADITIONAL VERSION

The
ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome " . Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share..

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010 !!!

January 21, 2010

Advice From Sven & Ole
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Hambo

Words of Wisdom From Sven & Ole

Limit all US politicians to two terms.

One in office

One in prison,

I Think Illinois already does this.

January 20, 2010

Man’s VERY Best Friend
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Hambo

The K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChord.

He's huge - part Boxer and part British Bull Mastiff and tops the scales at 200 lbs. His handler took the picture. Brutus is running toward me because he knows I have some Milk Bone treats, so he's slobbering away! I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he couldn't stop, but he did. Brutus won the Congressional Medal of Honor last year from his tour in Iraq . His handler and four other soldiers were taken hostage by insurgents.

Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language and he gave Brutus the signal that meant 'go away but come back and find me'.. The Iraqis paid no attention to Brutus. He came back later and quietly tore the throat out of one guard at one door and another guard at another door. He then jumped against one of the doors repeatedly (the guys were being held in an old warehouse) until it opened. He went in and untied his handler and they all escaped. He's the first K9 to receive this honor.

If he knows you're ok, he's a big old lug and wants to sit in your lap. Enjoys the company of cats.

January 19, 2010

That Magic Moment
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Posted by: Hambo

In the following pictures you see people with very strong facial expressions. Can you identify what is happening?

THEY'RE ALL GETTING READY TO SNEEZE!!

What did you think it was, mind in the gutter Sparky?

 

January 15, 2010

Leather Dresses
Submitted by: Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Did you ever wonder why?

 

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

January 14, 2010

The Wit And Wisdom Of Artie Lange
Submitted by: Foster's Lager
Posted by: Porcus

Artie Lange is one of MADTV's original cast members who went on to not only Hollywood and The Howard Stern Radio show, but also gained noteriety as a gluttonous, all-nighter type who shoots first with his wit, and doesn't bother to ask questions later.

Howard Stern: "Brad Pitt doesn't have a brain in his head."
Robin Quivers: "Now stop that, Brad Pitt is building a smart New Orleans."
Howard Stern: "What?
Artie Lange: "Was the old one dumb?"
From Howard Stern Show on October 1, 2007

Artie Lange: "She [Jessica Biel] was born the year I got my first DWI."
From Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Artie Lange: "If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row."
From Howard Stern Show on March 4, 2009

Artie Lange: "You know the day I met my mother, I weighed 7 and 1/2 lbs."
David Letterman: "You gained a little weight since then."
Artie Lange: "Since I met my mother, I have put on 293 and 1/2 lbs."
From Late Show with David Letterman on March 3, 2009

Artie Lange: "She [Heather Mills] has more money from music than John Mellencamp."
From Howard Stern Show on April 30, 2007

Artie Lange: "It is great doing a talk show with Nicole Ritchi."
David Letterman: "She's lovely, isn't she?
Artie Lange: "Besides being lovely, backstage I got to eat all of her food."
From Late Show with David Letterman

Artie Lange: "In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party."
From Howard Stern Show on February 9, 2009

Artie Lange (Sam McKenna): "You thinking what I'm thinking?
Norm MacDonald (Mitch Weaver): "No, no, I have a plan."
From Dirty Work

Artie Lange (Artie DeVanzo): "Hey, you think Marilyn can get one of her friends to go with me last minute?
Jimmy Palumbo (Johnny Trinno): "Look Art, Marilyn's female friends are all lawyers and bankers and executives ...
Artie Lange: "So what are you saying, they are too good for me?
Jimmy Palumbo: "No, no, I was trying to let the silence say it for me."
From Beer League

Artie Lange (Artie DeVanzo): "A home run ties it, I'm going for it."
Ralph Macchio (Maz): "Don't be stupid, no one's hit one out of here since Dave Delafara of '89 ...
Artie Lange: "Why do you think I can't do it too?
Ralph Macchio: "Because he bench pressed 400 lbs and you sweat when you eat."
Artie Lange: "So did Babe Ruth."
From Beer League

Artie Lange: "Last week, who would you think would live longer, me or Heath Ledger?
From Howard Stern Show on January 23, 2008

Artie Lange: "Women will do anything she [Oprah Winfrey] says, and that is why we can't have women voting."
From Howard Stern Show on September 24, 2007

Artie Lange: "I am fine now, I have never felt better in my life."
Howard Stern: "Chris Farley told me that ... Chris Farley told me that right before he died."
From Howard Stern Show on January 8, 1998

Artie Lange:... "Jason [Alexander] is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing."
From Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner

Artie Lange: "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."
From Howard Stern Show on January 29, 2007

Shuli: "People say Artie [Lange] models his career after John Belushi .... but that isn't true, Belushi had one good movie .... and he knew when to die."

January 13, 2010

Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven
Submitted by: Bad Moon
Posted by: Porcus

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St.. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learn't it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

January 12, 2010

Paper Chase
Submitted by: PIGster Prime
Posted by: Hambo

January 11, 2010

The Fraud from Abroad's Hope and Change
Submitted by: PIGster Redneck
Posted by: Hambo

Let's take a quick look back at the first year in the new era of Hope and Change, shall we?

January - The Moonbat Messiah was inaugurated before a crowd that made rude chants at the departing President Bush and completely and utterly trashed the National Mall. And that was just the news media. The Moonbat Messiah immediately began filling his cabinet with tax cheats, dirty lawyers, radical communists, and eugenicists. One of his first acts was to sign a $787 Billion "Stimulus" package that promised to restore the USA to economic prosperity by the fall.

February - Obama's EPA began laying the groundwork to declare all human activity subject to Government regulation, via the human capacity for CO2 production, which the EPA designated a deadly gas despite the fact that plants need it to survive. The right-wing began to make jokes about Obama's Teleprompter dependency. It would be eight months before the left would do the same.

March - The Green Left designated polar bears the official iconic megafauna of the Global Warming Hoax, using a picture of some bears on an ice floe to claim that the big white beasts were facing extinction (when, in the real world, their numbers are increasing.) Lady M'Chel put in an appearance at soup kitchen and showed off her $540 kicks. Obama also rewarded his friends in Hamas with $900 Million in taxpayer dollars to thank them for their incessant rocket attacks against Israel.

Oh, and Keith Olbermann pitched a snit fit when Ann Coulter revealed that his prized Cornell degree actually came from Cornell's cow college affiliate.

April - It was discovered the Global Warmists were lying about sea ice melting away. Obama sent Air Force 1 to buzz lower Manhattan, just for kicks and giggles. Benedict Arlen Specter made a principled decision to become a Democrat when polls showed he was cheese toast if he ran as a Republican. Also, the totally free market "don't you dare call them socialists" government of B. Hussein Obama completed the nationalization of General Motors, with the Government and their union allies owning 80% of the company after telling investors who had loaned the companies billions "Be gone, Running Dog parasites! The means of production belong to the workers now."

In response to the predations of the Obamunists, a round of tea-parties were held to correspond with April 15th tax day. Distinguished journalists like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow giggled like fifth graders at the word "tea-bag."

May -- The Progressive Left focused its rage and scorn on a person who represented the most serious threat to the American way of life in all the 233 years of the Republic's existence. I refer, of course, to Carrie Prejean; who received the kind of treatment from the mainstream media Hitler might have gotten had he been caught throwing puppies into a wood chipper.

June -- It was discovered that the EPA was burying memos that said Global Warming wasn't actually happening, per se. Also, 62 year old "comedian" David Letterman took a break from molesting the interns in his Manhattan production company to make some rape jokes about Sarah Palin's daughters; because it's just so funny when 62 year old men make lecherous jokes about young teenage girls.

President Barack Obama demonstrated his administration's commitment to transparency and the rule of law by firing an Inspector General who was investigating massive corruption on the part of one of M'Chel's cronies.

The Iranian Regime responded to pro-democracy demonstrations by brutally cracking down on protesters, murdering some in the street, and rounding up others for summary execution. To show his concern and support for democracy, President Obama went out and bought ice cream for his dog.

July --- Patriots celebrated the 4th of July with more tea parties to rouse a resistance against a president and a congress hellbent on tearing down the Republic the founding fathers fought so hard and sacrificed so much to bring into being. A West Coast blogger found a book co-authored by Obama's technology czar in which he advocated forced sterilizations and coerced abortions as a means of population control. Lefties defended him by saying, "It was the '70's." Not a reassuring defense given their moonbat messiah president's fondness for Jimmy Carter's policies. Meanwhile, crazy, lying, FoxNews personality Glenn Beck put up some crazy story about how Obama's (Ho!Ho!Ho!) Green Jobczar Van Jones was a radical communist 911 troofer. Beck was denounced as lying, insane, and dangerous. Within two weeks, Van Jones resigned in the middle of the night because ... Well, because Beck was right. Keith Olbermann demanded that Beck be fired and threatened to engage in deranged, vituperative rants on his show every night until that happened.

Also, a racist Harvard professor got into a dispute with a white cop. PBO... Who would later admonish Americans not to "jump to conclusions" about a mass murdering jihadist at Fort Hood and an attempting mass-murdering jihadist in Detroit... Immediately declared in a press conference that the cop had "acted stupidly" while admitting he didn't know all the facts of the case.

And, a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Geophysical Research confirmed that climate cycles are natural and Global Warming is a hoax.

August -- Democrat Congresspersons heard from their constituents on the Obama-Pelosi Health Care bill. Since they didn't like what they heard, they announced that all future contact with constituents would be limited to registered members of the SEIU. The SEUI responded by beating up black people and old ladies outside townhall meetings. One especially zealous thug bit off a guy's finger. Lefties responded with, "Under ObamaCare, people who have their fingers bitten off by Union Thugs will have them sewed back on for free," leaving out the word "eventually."

The infamous "Obama as Joker" poster appeared. Leftists went into apoplectic fits at this heresy against the Messiah, and pointed out that no president in history had ever been defaced in such a horrible, insulting, defamatory way.

The Government began a phenomenally successful program called "Cash for Clunkers" in which perfectly serviceable automobiles were destroyed and rendered inoperable in exchange for vehicles with marginally better fuel economy at an estimated cost of $24,000 per vehicle.
Senator Ted Kennedy died, leaving John Kerry and Barney Frank to carry on the legacy of horrendously destructive far-left Democrat legislators from Massachusetts.

September --- PBO cancelled the US Missile Defense program for Eastern Europe, because he believed this show of "Smart Diplomacy" would convince Iran not to pursue its nuclear weapons program. In other news of smart diplomacy, Obama warmly welcomed Mo Qaddafi, Hugo Chavez, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad to the opening session of the UN. Not invited: The legitimate, constitutional leader of Honduras. Obama also declared the 9-11 should no longer be considered a day of remembrance, but instead a day in which the workers should offer the labors for the glory of the state.

During an address to Congress, Congressman Joe Wilson responded to one of Obama's many, many lies by shouting "You lie!" The left was again outraged, and pointed out that no president had ever, ever been heckled while giving a speech to Congress before.

California's farmers... driven to insolvency by a judge's edict to preserve a two inch fish... appealed to their senators to turn the water back on. The senators replied, "Sucks to be you, losers" and "Don't call me, Ma'am!"

NY Times columnist David Brooks revealed that he first fell in love with Obama while staring at the crease in his pants. A deranged Keith Olberman claimed he had the largest audience in cable news. If only Neilsen would count the voices in people's heads, it might be true.

Meanwhile, Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played tapes of ACORN offering to facilitate tax fraud, illegal immigration, and child prostitution. Democrats immediately demanded an investigation... of the two journalists who exposed ACORN's illegal activities.

Airstrip One officially recognized environmentalism as a religion. As soon as they designate economics a superstition, the transition to leftist belief will be complete.

October --- PBO was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. While admitting that he had accomplished nothing, the Nobel Committee said he deserved the award for being so "clean and articulate."

When word was leaked that Rush Limbaugh might become a 2% owner in the St. Louis Rams, the progressive left MSM publicized a number of racist quotations that... um... Limbaugh never actually said. When confronted, the MSM responded, "Who are you going to believe? Us, or a racist who wanted James Earl Ray to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor."

And Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played a video of Obama's Communications Director praising Chairman Mao and licking her lips like Mr. Ed going for the peanut butter. A few weeks later, she was gone.

November -- Republicans handily won the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia, and lost in a three way congressional race in NY in which no Republican was running. The left pointed to this as proof that conservatism was dead, dead, dead! Also, Sarah Palin sold about two million copies of her book, Going Rogue, which drove the left absolutely insane. David Letterman was hailed as a hero for not giving into a blackmailer who threatened to reveal the fact that he had sexually harassed many female interns. The interns were allowed to keep the Palin wigs after their encounters.

Also, leaked emails from Climate Scienticians proved that climate data were altered and deleted to artificially create "proof" of human-caused Global Warming. Progressive Leftists responded that the data that went into the Climate Change models were every bit as valid as the data that showed job creation under the Stimulus.

December -- An enormous contingent of moonbats flew to Copehagen in a veritable air force of private jets, generating as much CO2 in a week as an African country emits in a year, to save the planet from the dire consequences of wasteful CO2 production. And just to prove He has a sense of humor, God dumped half a foot of snow on them.

Senate Democrats finally passed a version of ObamaCare using last minute bribes to Senators Mary "Hello Sailor" Landrieu and Ben "Love You Long Time" Nelson.

On Christmas Day, a jihadist came within seconds of detonating a bomb on an aircraft with 278 people on board. The Secretary of Homeland Security declared that the system had worked perfectly, and the TSA would avoid future near-disasters by making it illegal for passengers to leave their seats during the last hour of a flight.

One year down, three to go... if we're lucky

January 10, 2010

Muslims Part Of America's Story?
Submitted by: Terry T.
Posted by: Porcus

Obama said, in his Cairo speech: "I know, too, that Islam has always been a part of America's story.                                   
                                                                    
Dear Mr. Obama:                                                   

Were those Muslims that were in America when the Pilgrims first landed?

Funny, I thought they were Native American Indians.               
                                                                    
Were those Muslims that celebrated the first Thanksgiving Day?    

Sorry again, those were Pilgrims and Native American Indians.           
                                                                    
Can you show me one Muslim signature on the United States Constitution?  Declaration of Independence? Bill of Rights? Didn't think so.     
                                                                    
Did Muslims fight for this country's freedom from England? No.    
                                                                    
Did Muslims fight during the Civil War to free the slaves in America?                                                          

No, they did not. In fact, Muslims to this day are still the largest traffickers in human slavery. Your own 'half brother' a devout Muslim still advocates slavery himself, even though Muslims of Arabic descent refer to black Muslims as "pug nosed slaves." Says a lot of what the Muslim world really thinks of your family's "rich Islamic heritage" doesn't it Mr.Obama?                                              
                                                                    
Where were Muslims during the Civil Rights era of this country?   

Not present. There are no pictures or media accounts of Muslims walking side by side with Martin Luther King Jr. or helping to advance the cause of Civil Rights.                                                     
                                                                    
Where were Muslims during this country's Woman's Suffrage era?    

Again, not present. In fact, devout Muslims demand that women are subservient to men in the Islamic culture. So much so that often they are beaten for not wearing the 'hajib' or for talking to a man that is not a direct family member or their husband. Yep, the Muslims are all for women's rights aren't they?                                               
                                                                    
Where were Muslims during World War II?

They were aligned with Adolf  Hitler. The Muslim grand mufti himself met with Adolf Hitler, reviewed  the troops and accepted support from the Nazi's in killing Jews.  
                                                                    
Finally Mr. Obama, where were Muslims on Sept. 11th, 2001?

If they weren't flying planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon or a field in Pennsylvania killing nearly 3,000 people on our own soil, they were rejoicing in the middle east. No one can dispute the pictures shown from all parts of the Muslim world celebrating on CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and other news networks that day. Strangely, the very "moderate" Muslims who's asses you bent over backwards to kiss in Cairo, Egypt on June 4th were stone cold silent post 9-11. To many Americans, their silence has meant approval for the acts of that day.                          
                                                                    
And THAT, Mr. Obama, is the "rich heritage" Muslims have here in America.                                        

January 07, 2010

Welfare Poem
Submitted by: PIGster Ron
Posted by: Porcus

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare..
Welfare say, 'You come no more,
We send cash right to your door.'

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I get plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house,and then I say,
'Find more aliens for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kid's need dentist? Wife's need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
American's crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan ...

It is interesting that the federal government provides a single refugee with a monthly allowance of $1, 890.00 and each can also get an additional $580.00 in social assistance for a total of $2,470.00.

This compares very well to a single pensioner who after contributing to the growth and development of America for 40 to 50 years can only receive a monthly maximum of $1,012.00 in old age pension and Guaranteed Income Supplement.

Maybe our pensioners should apply as refugees!

Lets send this to all Americans, so we can all be ticked off and maybe we can get the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensioners up to $2,470.00 and enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 years.

Please forward this to every American to expose what our elected politicians have been doing over the past 11 years - to the over-taxed American.

January 06, 2010

PIG's Professor of Piety Has A Mayan Doomsday Meltdown
Submitted by: PIGster J
Posted by: Hambo

First of all, I wanted to extend a hearty thank you to Hambo and the FSOP for letting me post this. Being one of the premier BS detectors that I have ever encountered, I felt the PIG pages were just the place to take apart the whole “2012 doomsday scenario” that we’re seeing pushed on by everyone from the MSM to the “Hysteria Channel.” (Forever known as that, now, in my home, as opposed to the “History” channel – a title which has become laughable)

Most of you know me as the FSOP’s Professor of Piety, but this particular rant is not going to come from any type of religious or Tome-based belief; instead, it’s going to come from the facts, as best as I am able to obtain them. The worth, or lack of, of those facts is up to you to decide, and I encourage you to check out what I say and then make your own informed decision.

I’m going to start by going out on a limb here, ok? The 2012 Doomsday predictions are not only false, but are so blatantly laughable and obvious as a money-making scheme that they deserve to be made sport of wherever they can be. With that, I’ll make you a deal. If the world really DOES end on Dec. 21, 2012, then you have my permission to come find me in whatever Afterlife we all end up in and slap me around a bit. Fair? Good. This whole rant started because I had the misfortune to run across a show on the “History” channel last night (yeah you caught me – I was looking for R. Lee Ermey) called Decoding the Past: Doomsday 2012. Within about 5 minutes, two things happened: (1) I turned the channel off because my sons were up and I didn’t want such obvious hysteria and fear-mongering to scare them, and (2) My BS detector was screaming so loudly that I could barely see the television. That and a red haze was clouding everything I saw, but I digress. So, I did what I usually do – I went to the old computer and started searching. What I fond amazed me at first, amused me secondly, and infuriated me, finally.

There’s no possible way I can list all of the evidence against the 2012 scenario, but I will encourage you to check out the same website I did and decide for yourself – www.2012hoax.org . What I will do is list the 3 most obvious errors in thinking that deal with the hoax, and hopefully in doing so encourage you to find out more and spread the word about the situation. I hope it will also make you speak to your family and friends to help them understand this as well.

• The Mayans predicted an apocalypse in 2012: Well, no. To quote Rohann Solare, author and student of Mayan culture, “Contrary to popular understanding, the ancient Meso-Americans, be they Aztec or Maya or any other group, left no oral or written “prophecy” record about what would or could happen on or about the year 2012 other than a great age of 5125 years would end and another commence.” This particular belief, according to 2012hoax.org, is an offshoot of a religious belief called “Mayanism,” which ascribes near-godlike powers to the Mayans and their abilities.
  • If nothing else, the same Mayan calendar is still in use by some cultures in the highlands of Guatemala and, as of the writing of this document, NO preparations for the end of the world are underway. Go figure.
  • A majority of Mayan researchers, as well as some actual Mayans – yes there are still people around who trace their lineage back and practice Mayan beliefs such as Apolinario Chile Pixtun, (Google him) a Mayan Indian elder, do not agree with the whole end of the world scenario. What does that tell you?
• The Mayan calendar was more precise and advanced even than calendars in use today. Right. And if my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wagon. The refutation is far too long to post here, but suffice to say that although it was amazingly accurate for its time and place, the Mayan calendar was not in the same league, even, as the Julian calendar, nor with the Gregorian calendar. (Check out www.hoax2012.org for the complete discussion)
• The Julian calendar, when compared with the solar cycle, had a error rate of 1 day every 128 years. The Gregorian calendar had an error rate of 1 day every 3,300 years. Evidence exists, in contrast, that shows that the Mayans very probably knew that their calendar was not in sync with the solar year, but did nothing about it. (David L. Mills, PhD, “The Classic Maya Calendar and Day numbering system”)
• It’s claimed that the Mayan calendar kept perfect track of time without the use of leap years. This is complete bunk, for 1 reason: the number of days in a year, lunar cycles in a year, or days in a lunar cycle are not integers. (In essence, whole numbers. The values for those three cycles are not whole, meaning that they have fractional values). Without this, no calendar in existence can keep track of astronomical years without an inclusion of some kind of compensation for this lack of integer values.
• Finally, we’ll go with the ever popular “some mysterious object is going to impact the earth in 2012” idea. There are lots of names for the object, including “Planet X,” “Niribu,” or even going as far as saying that it’s going to be an asteroid, comet, or some form of dwarf star. Great theory, right? Lots of problems.
• An object close enough to the Earth to hit us in 2012 would be visible from the Earth, particularly in the case of these huge or sub-stellar sized objects. No matter where it was in the solar system, you’d be able to see it. People have claimed that it’s over the South Pole, and so you can’t see it from populated areas. Problem with that is that there are no areas in the Southern Hemisphere that are not covered by one or more telescopes. Even if the object had an incredibly crazy spiral path and stayed close to the sun, observational satellites such as SOHO and STEREO have detected objects close to the sun of a much smaller size, and would certainly detect one such as this.
• Planet X, Niribu, and the other objects named were created by different authors at different times, and scheduled to do us in at different times as well. It’s only been with the catching on of the Mayan myth that they’ve all been lumped together. What does that tell you?

I could go on, but I think this will be enough to at least get your BS detectors working and want to make you find out more. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, and please – wherever you go, direct people to make their own choices and stop accepting what’s being put forward on TV as true! As a quote I read said so very well, “Evidence is NOT the plural form of story. Just because a lot of people are saying it doesn’t make it true.”

January 05, 2010

Catholic Coffee Break
Posted by: Porcus
Submitted by: Swine Flew

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee at the Moose.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say...

"Oh My God!!!"

January 04, 2010

Operation Wetback
Posted by: Porcus
Submitted by: Lone Star

What did Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower have in common?

Back during The Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American citizens that desperately needed work.

Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to create jobs for returning veterans.

And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 3 million Mexican Nationals!

The program was called 'Operation Wetback'. It was done so WWII and Korean Veterans would have a better chance at jobs. It took 2 Years, but they deported them!

Now...if they could deport the illegal's back then - they could sure do it today?

lf you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself.

Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes... 20 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you!

That's right 20 million Illegal aliens.

January 03, 2010

Lone Star Palooza
Posted by: Porcus
Submitted by: Lone Star

Item #1: You Might Be A Taliban If...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your a** with your bare hand, but consider bacon "UNCLEAN".

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Item #2: Dear Lord...

Dear Lord,

I just want to let you know, you took away my favorite singer - Elvis Presley.

You took away my favorite actor - Patrick Swayze.

You took away my favorite actress - Farah Fawcett.

I just wanted to let you know my favorite president is - Barack Obama.

Item #3: The INS Don't Need No Steenkin' Badges

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners  association in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. They were having a terrible problem  with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to my  friend is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King, and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the  site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get  their workers not to litter the neighborhood, but to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and  "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.

They bought navy  blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch-time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68  construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.

It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes, along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new  subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

SO, FOLKS, I THINK  YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS  AGAIN!

January 01, 2010

Birdie Birdie In The Sky...
Posted by: Porcus
Submitted by: Bill T.

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'

'Well It was my first day with the hook.