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THE PIG BLOG | PIG PRATTLERS
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 PIG Prattle is PIGish mixture of images, things that make us laugh and the occasional rant submitted by one of our PIGsters. If you're looking for hard news, you'll find that in our News Digest. If you're looking for table pounding FSOP commentary, you need to pay a visit to Hambo's Hammer. If it's 'edgy' humor you want, you need to visit our Dumpster page. Are we all on the same page now, Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question. Crayons ready? |
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February 08, 2010 Ticker Tape Parade Time?
All The FSOP can say is "It's about f***ing time!!!" February 07, 2010 Drug Problem
February 06, 2010 Enough Said
February 04, 2010 The Hitman Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" February 03, 2010 Tragedy Strikes Again Another heartbreak for New Orleans! Below is presented why the economy of New Orleans will likely never completely recover, again...!
Entrepreneur? It took me a couple of minutes to get it, but imagine, NINE welfare recipients collecting $1500 each .... that equals $13,500 a month! Now add food stamps, free medical, free school lunches, on and on and on. Now that to me is a real Entrepreneur. Makes one proud to be a Democrat. February 01, 2010 Old Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'Its Fart Football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.' January 30, 2010 You Might Be a Redneck...a different take We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya 'll are. You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..' You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.' You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays. You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have. You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to. You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening... You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same. You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend. January 28, 2010 Thursday Trifecta Item #1: The Baptist Cowboy A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. "Hasn't affected my brothers though." Item #2: Fred A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, Item #3: Obama And The Seven Dorks
January 27, 2010 I Ain't Swimmin' There! So much for swimming in the Chesapeake Bay near Sandy Point State Park. Annapolis MD While the vessel 'Dawn Raider' out of Marklys Marina in Essex, Md. Was fishing for Striped Bass (also locally known as Rock Fish), this Great White was hooked in the mouth but only resisted slightly for 15 minutes before it came up alongside the boat to have a look; long enough for one of the crew members to slip a rope a round it's tail! And that's when things heated up! ...The Shark took off towing the 42 foot fishing boat backwards through the water at about 7 Knots. Just like in JAWS, the boat was taking on water over the stern and the crew watched in horror as the shark would actually jump completely out of the water at times. This went on for an hour before the shark finally drowned. She weighed in at 1,035 LBS. It is suspected she followed a weak El Nino current into local waters in search of food. Although mid 60 degree water is considered ideal for these sharks, the larger ones can tolerate water in the low 50s. Markley's Marina
NOTE: THE TAIL FIN IS THE SIZE OF A MAN! January 25, 2010 Airplanes Hand Prop - Start Procedures: This photo is absolutely incredible...
But, can you tell what's wrong with it? Yep, guess you spotted it, too.? Never, never try to Prop - Start an aircraft without chocking the wheels !!! I am sure that caught your eye right away like it did mine. January 24, 2010 Police Code ‘AH’ A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. January 23, 2010 THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER Two Different Versions... ......... .... Two Different Morals The The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome " . Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper. The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010 !!! January 21, 2010 Advice From Sven & Ole Words of Wisdom From Sven & Ole
Limit all US politicians to two terms. One in office One in prison, I Think Illinois already does this. January 20, 2010 Man’s VERY Best Friend
The K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChord. He's huge - part Boxer and part British Bull Mastiff and tops the scales at 200 lbs. His handler took the picture. Brutus is running toward me because he knows I have some Milk Bone treats, so he's slobbering away! I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he couldn't stop, but he did. Brutus won the Congressional Medal of Honor last year from his tour in Iraq . His handler and four other soldiers were taken hostage by insurgents. Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language and he gave Brutus the signal that meant 'go away but come back and find me'.. The Iraqis paid no attention to Brutus. He came back later and quietly tore the throat out of one guard at one door and another guard at another door. He then jumped against one of the doors repeatedly (the guys were being held in an old warehouse) until it opened. He went in and untied his handler and they all escaped. He's the first K9 to receive this honor. If he knows you're ok, he's a big old lug and wants to sit in your lap. Enjoys the company of cats. January 19, 2010 That Magic Moment In the following pictures you see people with very strong facial expressions. Can you identify what is happening?
THEY'RE ALL GETTING READY TO SNEEZE!! What did you think it was, mind in the gutter Sparky? 
January 15, 2010 Leather Dresses Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag! January 14, 2010
Artie Lange is one of MADTV's original cast members who went on to not only Hollywood and The Howard Stern Radio show, but also gained noteriety as a gluttonous, all-nighter type who shoots first with his wit, and doesn't bother to ask questions later. Howard Stern: "Brad Pitt doesn't have a brain in his head." Artie Lange: "It is great doing a talk show with Nicole Ritchi." Artie Lange (Sam McKenna): "You thinking what I'm thinking? Artie Lange: "I am fine now, I have never felt better in my life." January 13, 2010 Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.' Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?' Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.' The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' Astounded, St.. Peter said, 'Twelve? Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ' 'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'? 'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.' 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?' 'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learn't it from the song, St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.' January 12, 2010 Paper Chase
January 11, 2010 The Fraud from Abroad's Hope and Change January - The Moonbat Messiah was inaugurated before a crowd that made rude chants at the departing President Bush and completely and utterly trashed the National Mall. And that was just the news media. The Moonbat Messiah immediately began filling his cabinet with tax cheats, dirty lawyers, radical communists, and eugenicists. One of his first acts was to sign a $787 Billion "Stimulus" package that promised to restore the USA to economic prosperity by the fall. February - Obama's EPA began laying the groundwork to declare all human activity subject to Government regulation, via the human capacity for CO2 production, which the EPA designated a deadly gas despite the fact that plants need it to survive. The right-wing began to make jokes about Obama's Teleprompter dependency. It would be eight months before the left would do the same. March - The Green Left designated polar bears the official iconic megafauna of the Global Warming Hoax, using a picture of some bears on an ice floe to claim that the big white beasts were facing extinction (when, in the real world, their numbers are increasing.) Lady M'Chel put in an appearance at soup kitchen and showed off her $540 kicks. Obama also rewarded his friends in Hamas with $900 Million in taxpayer dollars to thank them for their incessant rocket attacks against Israel. Oh, and Keith Olbermann pitched a snit fit when Ann Coulter revealed that his prized Cornell degree actually came from Cornell's cow college affiliate. April - It was discovered the Global Warmists were lying about sea ice melting away. Obama sent Air Force 1 to buzz lower Manhattan, just for kicks and giggles. Benedict Arlen Specter made a principled decision to become a Democrat when polls showed he was cheese toast if he ran as a Republican. Also, the totally free market "don't you dare call them socialists" government of B. Hussein Obama completed the nationalization of General Motors, with the Government and their union allies owning 80% of the company after telling investors who had loaned the companies billions "Be gone, Running Dog parasites! The means of production belong to the workers now." In response to the predations of the Obamunists, a round of tea-parties were held to correspond with April 15th tax day. Distinguished journalists like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow giggled like fifth graders at the word "tea-bag." May -- The Progressive Left focused its rage and scorn on a person who represented the most serious threat to the American way of life in all the 233 years of the Republic's existence. I refer, of course, to Carrie Prejean; who received the kind of treatment from the mainstream media Hitler might have gotten had he been caught throwing puppies into a wood chipper. June -- It was discovered that the EPA was burying memos that said Global Warming wasn't actually happening, per se. Also, 62 year old "comedian" David Letterman took a break from molesting the interns in his Manhattan production company to make some rape jokes about Sarah Palin's daughters; because it's just so funny when 62 year old men make lecherous jokes about young teenage girls. President Barack Obama demonstrated his administration's commitment to transparency and the rule of law by firing an Inspector General who was investigating massive corruption on the part of one of M'Chel's cronies. The Iranian Regime responded to pro-democracy demonstrations by brutally cracking down on protesters, murdering some in the street, and rounding up others for summary execution. To show his concern and support for democracy, President Obama went out and bought ice cream for his dog. July --- Patriots celebrated the 4th of July with more tea parties to rouse a resistance against a president and a congress hellbent on tearing down the Republic the founding fathers fought so hard and sacrificed so much to bring into being. A West Coast blogger found a book co-authored by Obama's technology czar in which he advocated forced sterilizations and coerced abortions as a means of population control. Lefties defended him by saying, "It was the '70's." Not a reassuring defense given their moonbat messiah president's fondness for Jimmy Carter's policies. Meanwhile, crazy, lying, FoxNews personality Glenn Beck put up some crazy story about how Obama's (Ho!Ho!Ho!) Green Jobczar Van Jones was a radical communist 911 troofer. Beck was denounced as lying, insane, and dangerous. Within two weeks, Van Jones resigned in the middle of the night because ... Well, because Beck was right. Keith Olbermann demanded that Beck be fired and threatened to engage in deranged, vituperative rants on his show every night until that happened. Also, a racist Harvard professor got into a dispute with a white cop. PBO... Who would later admonish Americans not to "jump to conclusions" about a mass murdering jihadist at Fort Hood and an attempting mass-murdering jihadist in Detroit... Immediately declared in a press conference that the cop had "acted stupidly" while admitting he didn't know all the facts of the case. And, a peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Geophysical Research confirmed that climate cycles are natural and Global Warming is a hoax. August -- Democrat Congresspersons heard from their constituents on the Obama-Pelosi Health Care bill. Since they didn't like what they heard, they announced that all future contact with constituents would be limited to registered members of the SEIU. The SEUI responded by beating up black people and old ladies outside townhall meetings. One especially zealous thug bit off a guy's finger. Lefties responded with, "Under ObamaCare, people who have their fingers bitten off by Union Thugs will have them sewed back on for free," leaving out the word "eventually." The infamous "Obama as Joker" poster appeared. Leftists went into apoplectic fits at this heresy against the Messiah, and pointed out that no president in history had ever been defaced in such a horrible, insulting, defamatory way. The Government began a phenomenally successful program called "Cash for Clunkers" in which perfectly serviceable automobiles were destroyed and rendered inoperable in exchange for vehicles with marginally better fuel economy at an estimated cost of $24,000 per vehicle. September --- PBO cancelled the US Missile Defense program for Eastern Europe, because he believed this show of "Smart Diplomacy" would convince Iran not to pursue its nuclear weapons program. In other news of smart diplomacy, Obama warmly welcomed Mo Qaddafi, Hugo Chavez, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad to the opening session of the UN. Not invited: The legitimate, constitutional leader of Honduras. Obama also declared the 9-11 should no longer be considered a day of remembrance, but instead a day in which the workers should offer the labors for the glory of the state. During an address to Congress, Congressman Joe Wilson responded to one of Obama's many, many lies by shouting "You lie!" The left was again outraged, and pointed out that no president had ever, ever been heckled while giving a speech to Congress before. California's farmers... driven to insolvency by a judge's edict to preserve a two inch fish... appealed to their senators to turn the water back on. The senators replied, "Sucks to be you, losers" and "Don't call me, Ma'am!" NY Times columnist David Brooks revealed that he first fell in love with Obama while staring at the crease in his pants. A deranged Keith Olberman claimed he had the largest audience in cable news. If only Neilsen would count the voices in people's heads, it might be true. Meanwhile, Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played tapes of ACORN offering to facilitate tax fraud, illegal immigration, and child prostitution. Democrats immediately demanded an investigation... of the two journalists who exposed ACORN's illegal activities. Airstrip One officially recognized environmentalism as a religion. As soon as they designate economics a superstition, the transition to leftist belief will be complete. October --- PBO was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. While admitting that he had accomplished nothing, the Nobel Committee said he deserved the award for being so "clean and articulate." When word was leaked that Rush Limbaugh might become a 2% owner in the St. Louis Rams, the progressive left MSM publicized a number of racist quotations that... um... Limbaugh never actually said. When confronted, the MSM responded, "Who are you going to believe? Us, or a racist who wanted James Earl Ray to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor." And Glenn Beck... the man who always lies ... played a video of Obama's Communications Director praising Chairman Mao and licking her lips like Mr. Ed going for the peanut butter. A few weeks later, she was gone. November -- Republicans handily won the governorships in New Jersey and Virginia, and lost in a three way congressional race in NY in which no Republican was running. The left pointed to this as proof that conservatism was dead, dead, dead! Also, Sarah Palin sold about two million copies of her book, Going Rogue, which drove the left absolutely insane. David Letterman was hailed as a hero for not giving into a blackmailer who threatened to reveal the fact that he had sexually harassed many female interns. The interns were allowed to keep the Palin wigs after their encounters. Also, leaked emails from Climate Scienticians proved that climate data were altered and deleted to artificially create "proof" of human-caused Global Warming. Progressive Leftists responded that the data that went into the Climate Change models were every bit as valid as the data that showed job creation under the Stimulus. December -- An enormous contingent of moonbats flew to Copehagen in a veritable air force of private jets, generating as much CO2 in a week as an African country emits in a year, to save the planet from the dire consequences of wasteful CO2 production. And just to prove He has a sense of humor, God dumped half a foot of snow on them. Senate Democrats finally passed a version of ObamaCare using last minute bribes to Senators Mary "Hello Sailor" Landrieu and Ben "Love You Long Time" Nelson. On Christmas Day, a jihadist came within seconds of detonating a bomb on an aircraft with 278 people on board. The Secretary of Homeland Security declared that the system had worked perfectly, and the TSA would avoid future near-disasters by making it illegal for passengers to leave their seats during the last hour of a flight. One year down, three to go... if we're lucky January 10, 2010 Muslims Part Of America's Story? Obama said, in his Cairo speech: "I know, too, that Islam has always been a part of America's story. Were those Muslims that were in America when the Pilgrims first landed? Funny, I thought they were Native American Indians. Sorry again, those were Pilgrims and Native American Indians. No, they did not. In fact, Muslims to this day are still the largest traffickers in human slavery. Your own 'half brother' a devout Muslim still advocates slavery himself, even though Muslims of Arabic descent refer to black Muslims as "pug nosed slaves." Says a lot of what the Muslim world really thinks of your family's "rich Islamic heritage" doesn't it Mr.Obama? Not present. There are no pictures or media accounts of Muslims walking side by side with Martin Luther King Jr. or helping to advance the cause of Civil Rights. Again, not present. In fact, devout Muslims demand that women are subservient to men in the Islamic culture. So much so that often they are beaten for not wearing the 'hajib' or for talking to a man that is not a direct family member or their husband. Yep, the Muslims are all for women's rights aren't they? They were aligned with Adolf Hitler. The Muslim grand mufti himself met with Adolf Hitler, reviewed the troops and accepted support from the Nazi's in killing Jews. If they weren't flying planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon or a field in Pennsylvania killing nearly 3,000 people on our own soil, they were rejoicing in the middle east. No one can dispute the pictures shown from all parts of the Muslim world celebrating on CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and other news networks that day. Strangely, the very "moderate" Muslims who's asses you bent over backwards to kiss in Cairo, Egypt on June 4th were stone cold silent post 9-11. To many Americans, their silence has meant approval for the acts of that day. January 07, 2010 Welfare Poem I cross ocean, poor and broke, Lets send this to all Americans, so we can all be ticked off and maybe we can get the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensioners up to $2,470.00 and enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 years. January 06, 2010 PIG's Professor of Piety Has A Mayan Doomsday Meltdown First of all, I wanted to extend a hearty thank you to Hambo and the FSOP for letting me post this. Being one of the premier BS detectors that I have ever encountered, I felt the PIG pages were just the place to take apart the whole “2012 doomsday scenario” that we’re seeing pushed on by everyone from the MSM to the “Hysteria Channel.” (Forever known as that, now, in my home, as opposed to the “History” channel – a title which has become laughable) Most of you know me as the FSOP’s Professor of Piety, but this particular rant is not going to come from any type of religious or Tome-based belief; instead, it’s going to come from the facts, as best as I am able to obtain them. The worth, or lack of, of those facts is up to you to decide, and I encourage you to check out what I say and then make your own informed decision. I’m going to start by going out on a limb here, ok? The 2012 Doomsday predictions are not only false, but are so blatantly laughable and obvious as a money-making scheme that they deserve to be made sport of wherever they can be. With that, I’ll make you a deal. If the world really DOES end on Dec. 21, 2012, then you have my permission to come find me in whatever Afterlife we all end up in and slap me around a bit. Fair? Good. This whole rant started because I had the misfortune to run across a show on the “History” channel last night (yeah you caught me – I was looking for R. Lee Ermey) called Decoding the Past: Doomsday 2012. Within about 5 minutes, two things happened: (1) I turned the channel off because my sons were up and I didn’t want such obvious hysteria and fear-mongering to scare them, and (2) My BS detector was screaming so loudly that I could barely see the television. That and a red haze was clouding everything I saw, but I digress. So, I did what I usually do – I went to the old computer and started searching. What I fond amazed me at first, amused me secondly, and infuriated me, finally. There’s no possible way I can list all of the evidence against the 2012 scenario, but I will encourage you to check out the same website I did and decide for yourself – www.2012hoax.org . What I will do is list the 3 most obvious errors in thinking that deal with the hoax, and hopefully in doing so encourage you to find out more and spread the word about the situation. I hope it will also make you speak to your family and friends to help them understand this as well.
I could go on, but I think this will be enough to at least get your BS detectors working and want to make you find out more. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, and please – wherever you go, direct people to make their own choices and stop accepting what’s being put forward on TV as true! As a quote I read said so very well, “Evidence is NOT the plural form of story. Just because a lot of people are saying it doesn’t make it true.” January 05, 2010 Catholic Coffee Break Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee at the Moose. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say... "Oh My God!!!"
January 04, 2010 Operation Wetback Back during The Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American citizens that desperately needed work. Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to create jobs for returning veterans. And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 3 million Mexican Nationals! The program was called 'Operation Wetback'. It was done so WWII and Korean Veterans would have a better chance at jobs. It took 2 Years, but they deported them! Now...if they could deport the illegal's back then - they could sure do it today? lf you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself. Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes... 20 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you! That's right 20 million Illegal aliens. January 03, 2010 Lone Star Palooza Item #1: You Might Be A Taliban If... 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. Item #2: Dear Lord... Dear Lord, I just want to let you know, you took away my favorite singer - Elvis Presley. You took away my favorite actor - Patrick Swayze. You took away my favorite actress - Farah Fawcett. I just wanted to let you know my favorite president is - Barack Obama. Item #3: The INS Don't Need No Steenkin' Badges I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to my friend is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community. January 01, 2010 Birdie Birdie In The Sky... A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' 'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' 'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.' 'What about that eye patch?' 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.' 'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?' 'Well It was my first day with the hook. December 29, 2009 A Tiger Twofer
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. Item #2: Al Sharpton Blasts Tiger Woods for Lack of Mistress Diversity The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative effect on the black community, specifically young black girls. “Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?” Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines. Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.” December 27, 2009 A Bagpiper's Story
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years." December 26, 2009 Libtard Logic: "Guns Are Ungood" Publishers Note: The following was lifted from Just John at Write On The Right who in turn, lifted it from Robert at American And Proud Top Ten Reasons For Gun "Control": 2.) Some .004 % (4/1000 of 1%) of guns are used in crime each year. This is way too high. All guns should be banned 3.) Guns are unnecessary. In 98% of civilian gun defenses, no shot is fired. If you are not going to fire a shot, you clearly don’t need a gun. This proves that the guns are unnecessary. Banning guns will prevent these unnecessary defenses. 5.) Most gun crimes are committed by inner city gangs and drug dealers. These relatively small and geographically restricted groups consistently commit the majority of gun crimes, which usually peak as turf wars erupt over Drug War changes. The best way to prevent this is by denying guns to all law abiding people everywhere. 6.) No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder. The Police will protect women by investigating the crime after the fact. Remember, Police paperwork is all the protection anyone really needs. 7.) Gun owners are disrespectful of authority. Good citizens should completely rely on the authorities. A failure to do so is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. Failure to completely and absolutely trust and depend on the authorities is excessive democracy, and sends a bad message to children. 9.) Children and young people should remain ignorant about guns. Real guns and real gun knowledge dissipate the fantasies created by violent video games and TV. Ignorance, once lost, can never be restored and needs to be protected. Not to mention the lost sales of all the violent movies, TV shows, video games, etc! 10.) Guns reduce people’s reliance on the Police and Government. This fosters a mistaken belief in “rights”. No person has the right to question authority. No person should be less than 100% dependent upon authority. This is fundamental to social order. Banning guns will help to establish the Order the authorities want. This is good. Gun Control – Simple Solutions for Simple Minds. December 25, 2009 A Touching Christmas Tale Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said. Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' December 24, 2009 Thursday Twofer Item #1: Gloves A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
Item #2: A Little Bit Of Bigotry Goes A Long Way Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians Can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Aussie sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says, 'Fill the f***ing thing with water.' December 23, 2009 Motor City Meltdown This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation." Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
December 22, 2009 Irish Rib Tickler "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, Dugan’s, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." December 21, 2009 A Terri T. Twofer Item #1: A Message from 'We The People' The following letter read on Glenn Beck's show, is rapidly circulating around the country. Americans everywhere identify with this 53-year-old woman. GLENN BECK: I got a letter from a woman in Arizona . She writes an open letter to our nation's leadership: "I am a home grown American citizen, 53, registered Democrat all my life. Before the last presidential election I registered as a Republican because I no longer felt the Democratic Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. Now I no longer feel the Republican Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. The fact is I no longer feel any political party or representative in Washington represents my views or works to pursue the issues important to me. Instead, we are burdened with Congressional Dukes and Duchesses who think they know better than the citizens they are supposed to represent. There must be someone. Please tell me who you are. Please stand up and tell me that you are there and that you're willing to fight for our Constitution as it was written. Please stand up now. You might ask yourself what my views and issues are that I would feel so One, Illegal Immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking in drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. P.S., I'm not a racist. This is not to be confused with legal immigration. Two, The STIMULUS Bill. I want it repealed and I want no further funding supplied to it. We told you No, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal. Three: Czars. I want the circumvention of our constitutional checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. Government officials answer to the process, not to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution, and honor it. Four, Cap and Trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There are many conflicting opinions and it is too soon for this radical legislation. Quit throwing our nation into politically-correct quicksand. Five, Universal Healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision that will burden me, my children, and grandchildren. Don't you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night without even reading it. Slow down! Fix only what is broken -- we have the best health care system in the world -- and test any new program in one or two states first. Six, Growing Government Control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. More is not better! Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real [Constitutional] obligations. Why don't you start there. Seven, ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes -- how did they pull that one off? Stop the funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do not trust them with taking the census with our taxpayer money. I don't trust them with any of our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate. Eight, Redistribution of Wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs -- and that is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person! Why do you want me to hate my employers? And what do you have against shareholders making a profit? Nine, Charitable Contributions. Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves. Ten, Corporate Bailouts. Knock it off. Every company must sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we'll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. (Have you ever ripped off a Band-Aid?) We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us the chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us. Eleven, Transparency and Accountability. How about it? No, really, how about it? Let's have it. Let's say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please stop trying to manipulate and appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from Twelve, Unprecedented Quick Spending. Stop it now. Take a breath. Listen to the people. Slow down and get some input from nonpoliticians and experts on the subject. Stop making everything an emergency. Stop speed-reading our bills into law. I am not an activist. I am I entrusted you with upholding the Constitution. I believed in the checks and balances to keep from getting far off course. What happened? You are very far off course. Do you really think I find humor in the hiring of a speed reader to unintelligently ramble all through a bill that you signed into law without knowing what it contained? I do not. It is a mockery of the responsibility I have entrusted to you. It is a slap in the face. I am not laughing at your arrogance. Why is it that I feel as if you would not trust me to make a single decision about my own life and how I would live it but you should expect that I should trust you with the From my perspective, it seems that all of you have gone insane. I also know that I am far from alone in these feelings. Do you honestly feel that your current pursuits have merit to patriotic Americans? We want it to stop. We want to put the brakes on everything that is being rushed by us and forced upon us. We want our voice back. You have forced us to put our lives on hold to straighten out the mess that you are making. We will have to give up our We want all of you to stop focusing on your reelection and do the job we want done, not the job you want done or the job your party wants done. You work for us and at this rate I guarantee you not for long because we are coming. We will be heard and we will be represented. You think we're so busy with our lives that we will never come for you? We are the formerly silent majority, all of us who quietly work, pay taxes, obey the law, vote, save money, keep our noses to the grindstone... and we are now looking at you. You have awakened us, the patriotic freedom spirit so strong and so powerful that it had been sleeping too long. You have pushed us too far. Our numbers are great. They may surprise you. For every one of us who will be there, there will be hundreds more that could not come. Unlike you, we have their trust. We will represent them honestly, rest assured. They will be at the polls on voting day to usher you out of office. We have cancelled vacations. We will use our last few dollars saved. We will find the representation among us and a grassroots campaign will flourish. We didn't ask for this fight. But the gloves are coming off. We do not come in violence, but we are angry. You will represent us or you will be replaced with someone who will. There are candidates among us who will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes that you have made of our constitution. Democrat, Republican, Independent, Libertarian. Understand this. We don't care. Political parties are meaningless to us Patriotic Americans are willing to do right by us and our Constitution, and that is all that matters to us now. We are going to fire all of you who abuse power and seek more. It is not your power. It is ours and we want it back. We entrusted you with it and you abused it. You are dishonorable. You are dishonest. As Americans we are ashamed of you. You have brought shame to us. If you are not representing the wants and needs of your constituency loudly and consistently, in spite of the objections of your party, you will be fired. Did you hear? We no longer care about your political parties. You need to be loyal to us, not to them.. Because we will get you fired and they will not save you. If you do or can represent me, my issues, my views, please stand up. Make your identity known. You need to make some noise about it. Speak up. I need to know who you are. If you do not speak up, you will be herded out with the rest of the sheep and we will replace the whole damn congress if need be one by one. We are coming. Are we coming for you? Who do you represent? What do you represent? Listen. Because we are coming. 'We The People' are coming. Item #2: Party Crashing Parasites Here is a picture of the couple that snuck into the White House looking for fame and attention but didn't have the proper credentials.
December 20, 2009 Oscars Don't bother watching the next Oscars. The Chosen One has already won it for Best Actor...
December 18, 2009 Old Dogs Rule!!! One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. BS and brilliance only come with age and experience. December 17, 2009 Company Christmas Party PC (Progressively Crappy) Style Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian creeps!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know what?, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die. The B*tch from H*ll!!! Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Whatever! Joan December 16, 2009 Little Johnny's Christmas Break It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?" December 15, 2009 "I'm Tired" "I'm Tired" by Robert A. Hall
December 14, 2009 Frosty And Friends
December 13, 2009 Brain Teaser Okay.........here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working:
Scroll down Amazing! I did not see it before.
The blonde is the one with the wrong leg up. December 12, 2009 Mommy, Why Can't I Get A Job?
December 10, 2009 PIG Lite Humor 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer December 09, 2009 A Slow Day In Texas
December 08, 2009 The Reward For Becoming American A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. 'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.' The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.' The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . .. . and -- PING! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay. 'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand 'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans, and -- PING! -- the man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?' THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . . NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . . The fairy said 'Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared. December 07, 2009 Little Old Ladies Hope this touches you the way it touched me! A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!! December 06, 2009 On A Pressing Matter Of State President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President. "I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin. "Yes?", replied the President. "Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one." December 05, 2009 Idiot Sightings IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor' on the opener.. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than two...." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS . IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING: We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS IDIOT SIGHTINGS: When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep.. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"! STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE.......... and they vote!!!!! December 04, 2009 The Right To Health Care The following was found in our inbox and is posted in it's entirety. NO ONE HAS A FUCKING "RIGHT" TO HEALTH CARE!! NO ONE! NOT ONE SINGLE GODDAMNED ONE OF YOU! UNDERSTAND?????????? YOUR FUCKING "RIGHTS" END WHERE MY WALLET BEGINS, ASSHOLES! THERE IS NO "RIGHT" TO HEALTH CARE!!!!!!! What you HAVE the right to is to succeed beyond your WILDEST DREAMS.....or to STARVE TO DEATH! (Read the Declaration: "...Life, Liberty - from the TYRANNY of anothers ideas as to how you live your life - and the PURSUIT of happiness-NOT the GUARANTEE of happiness, or the PROVISION of Happiness!!) A right ceases to be a "right" and becomes a PRIVILEGE SUBJECT TO REVOCATION when it demands the property or labor of another human being to be fulfilled. The "rights" you refer to are the same "rights" Karl Marx was referring to when he wrote "The Communist Manifesto: "From each (Taken by FORCE - (if neccessary, which it always is!) according to his ability, to each (unearned, and unpaid for!), according to his need! NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE FORCED TO SERVE THE NEEDS OF ANOTHER, EITHER PHYSICALLY, AS IN THE PRACTICE OF SLAVERY, OR ECONOMICALLY, AS IN THE CONFISCATION BY FORCE OF ANOTHERS WEALTH, MATERIAL POSESSION, OR FRUITS OF LABOR! Unfortunately, we're one of the last remaining countries on earth that haven't completely succumbed to Socialism/Communism. It's only a matter of time, however-when the majority has the power to vote itself benefits at the expense of others (THEFT!) it's almost impossible for them not to exercise that power. So, to that end...FUCK SOCIALISM, and if you are a power, possessions and freedom-grabbing Socialist, then FUCK YOU!! You are at WAR with me, and people DIE in war!. You'd better be prepared to DIE to impose your will on ME! However, to those of you who are NOT CommieCrat Socialist Assholes, ......have a nice day, live long, and prosper. We now return you to your regularly scheduled bullshit. December 03, 2009 The Tiger Woods Family Christmas Portrait
December 02, 2009 New Math We do not advocate the use of marijuana, except for medicinal purposes, which would include anything from broken fingernails, stubbed toes, bad hair days and chronic pains. We do, however, advocate any effective method of learning that inspires a young mind to go forth on a quest for knowledge and improve their scores - test scores.
December 01, 2009 Understanding Engineers Understanding Engineers - One Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway." --------------------------------------------------- Understanding Engineers - Two To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. --------------------------------------------------- Understanding Engineers - Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." ------------------------------------------------- Understanding Engineers - Four Q. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? -------------------------------------------------- Understanding Engineers - Five The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" ---------------------------------------------------- Understanding Engineers - Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" --------------------------------------------------- Understanding Engineers - Seven Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. ------------------------------------------ Understanding Engineers - Eight An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him And said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." November 30, 2009 A Letter From Grandpa John G. Is 63 years old and owns a small business. He's a life-long Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year has all but evaporated. With the stock market crashing and new taxes coming his way, John assumes now that he will work to his dying day. Here is his reply: Sweetheart, I received your request for assistance. Ashley, you know I love you dearly and I 'm sympathetic to your financial plight. Unfortunately, times have changed. With the election of Obama, your grandmother and I have had to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own..."The Ashley Economic Empowerment Plan." Let me explain. Your grandmother and I are life-long, wage-earning taxpayers. We have lived a comfortable life, as you know, but we have never had the fancier things like European vacations, luxury cars, etc. We have worked hard and were looking forward to retiring soon. But the plan has changed. Your president is raising our personal and business taxes significantly. He says it is so he can give our hard earned money to other people. Do you know what this means, Ashley? It means less for us, and we must cut back on many business and personal expenses. You know the wonderful receptionist who worked in my office for more than 23 years? The one who always gave you candy when you came over to visit? I had to let her go last week. I can't afford to pay her salary and all of the government mandated taxes that go with having employees. Your grandmother will now work 4 days a week to answer phones, take orders and handle the books. We will be closed on Fridays and will lose even more income to the Wal-Mart. I'm also very sorry to report that your cousin Frank will no longer be working summers in the warehouse. I called him at school this morning. He already knows about it and he's upset because he will have to give up skydiving and his yearly trip to Greenland to survey the polar bears. That's just the business side of things. Some personal economic effects of Obama's new taxation policies include none other than you. You know very well that over the years your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance, food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc. But by your vote, you have chosen to help others -- not at your expense -- but at our expense. If you need money now sweetheart, I recommend you call 202-456-1111. That is the direct phone number for the White House. You yourself told me how foolish it is to vote Republican. You said Obama is going to be the People's President, and is going to help every American live a better life. Based on everything you've told me, along with all the promises we heard during the campaign, I'm sure Obama will be happy to transfer some stimulus money into your bank account. Have him call me for the account number which I memorized years ago. Perhaps you can now understand what I've been saying all my life: those who vote for a president should consider the impact on the nation as a whole, and not be just concerned with what they can get for themselves. What Obama supporters don't seem to realize is all of the money he is redistributing to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans (the so-called "less fortunate") comes from tax-paying families. Remember how you told me, "Only the richest of the rich will be affected"? Well guess what, honey? Because we own a business, your grandmother and I are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it might look that way, but in the real world, we are far from it. As you said while campaigning for Obama, some people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America can prosper. You understand what that means, right? It means that raising taxes on productive people results in them having less money; less money for everything, including granddaughters. I'm sorry, Ashley, but the well has run dry. The free lunches are over. I have no money to give you now. So, congratulations on your choice for "change." For future reference, I encourage you to try and add up the total value of the gifts and cash you have received from us, just since you went off to college, and compare it to what you expect to get from Obama over the next 4 (or 8) years. I have not kept track of it, Ashley. It has all truly been the gift of our hearts. Remember, we love you dearly....but from now on you'll need to call the number mentioned above. Your "Savior" has the money we would have given to you. Just try and get it from him. Good luck, sweetheart. Love, Grandpa November 29, 2009 Things You'd Never Hear A Redneck Say • I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. • Do you think my hair is too big? • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • The tires on that truck are too big. • I've got it all on a floppy disk. • Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? • Damned if that polititian ain't honest! • We're vegetarians. • I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. • You can't feed that to the dog. • Trim the fat off that steak. • I just love the Opera • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. • Wrasslin's fake. November 26, 2009 Black Friday Deathsport Rules
November 25, 2009 Happy Thanksgiving Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays Ingredients: Heat oven to 350 degrees Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat; Bon Appetit!
November 24, 2009 Enquiring Minds Still ‘Need To Know’ 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: (A) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. (B) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. (C) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam. 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells . . . 'THEIRS'? November 22, 2009 The Italian Golfer from New Jersey A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f--- can't they play at night?” November 20, 2009 Double Barrel Bad Moon Dangling Participles On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will immediately become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.." The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. A Trip To The Toolshed A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and firewood cutting power, she dragged him by his willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you? The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope.I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You can do whatever you want!!! November 18, 2009 What Is Generation Y? So Now You WILL KNOW! The Silent generation, people born before 1946. The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959. Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979. Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 2009 Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new today.
November 17, 2009 Rustic Humor A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . .. but she can't touch it 'till she's 14. How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel? Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ??? Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder: Who invented the toothbrush? Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery? A new Redneck law was just recently passed Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down? November 16, 2009 Twenty Nine Lines to Make You Smile 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! November 13, 2009 CBS Didn't Stop Him CBS DIDN'T STOP HIM ....THIS IS GREAT! Andy Rooney said on '60 Minutes' a few weeks back: I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING, MARTHA BURKE ? I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right 'NOT' to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability. I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich; I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more.. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'NO!' I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries! I am sick of 'Political Correctness.' I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa ; so how can they be 'African-Americans'? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe... I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, tough .... I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having 'In God We Trust' on our money and having 'God' in the Pledge of Allegiance... Why don't we just tell the 14% to BE QUIET!!! If you agree, pass this on, if not delete.
November 12, 2009 Wanna Dance? An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey oldman, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the oldman's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands. The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.' There are two lessons for us all: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people. November 11, 2009 Adult Humor November 10, 2009 Wipers I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot). I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that I actually like to watch working. Call me crazy, but lately I have been driving around non-stop with them on. I've even been pulled over and the cop asked to go for a ride so he could watch them work. They were outrageously expensive (being French), but safety is my main concern and like I said, they work great. Let me know if you would like a pair for your car Impressive design, elegant hardware, although I have some reservations about the washer option.
November 08, 2009 Miranda Rights A really cute, well endowed, female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving. She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything November 06, 2009 Peace Of S**t! PICTURES FROM LONDON - SHOCKING!!! Makes you wonder doesn't it? Can you imagine having a Christian demonstration against Islam in downtown Baghdad! View the pictures below and decide how you really feel about the future of the Western World. These pictures are of Muslims marching through the STREETS OF LONDON during their recent 'Religion of Peace Demonstration.'
Publisher's Note: We give dedicated PIGster, Swine Flew tons of credit for providing the photos, but he did neglect one image, below.
November 04, 2009 Who Is Jack Schitt? For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, November 03, 2009 You May Be Taliban If... 1.... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2.... You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3.... You have more wives than teeth. 4.... You wipe your a** with your bare hand, but consider bacon "UNCLEAN". 5.... You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6.... You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against. 7.... You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8.... You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9.... You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. 10.... You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. November 02, 2009 Double Barrel Monday Patriotism Every once in a while you see a simple act of Patriotism that just fills your heart with so much pride that you get lumps in your throat.
What can I say?
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? God Bless America. Pop Quiz Time New High School Exit Exam. Passing requires 4 correct answers. 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9)Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below. ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years. 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador. 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses. 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November. 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur. 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs. 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert. 8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson. 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course. Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too. November 01, 2009 Catholic Shampoo While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house.
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Copyright 1993-2010 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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The Wit And Wisdom Of Artie Lange
What did Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower have in common? 
Item #1: Two Woodpeckers
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
1.) Guns are used in self-defense over 2 million times a year. However, this makes the attempted crime a “non-event,” which necessarily complicates the Police investigation. Without civilian ownership of guns, these Police investigations would not have been compromised. Civilians should leave crime prevention to the Police, who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime’s completion. 
4.) Guns cause criminal migration. In tough gun-law Washington, D. C., violent crime rates are very high. This high crime rate is caused by the migration of criminals from gun havens like Virginia. This migration is caused by the criminal’s cowardly avoidance of armed householders and concealed-carry civilians. This criminal migration is detrimental to helpless unarmed citizens in no-gun areas and must be stopped. Guns should be banned everywhere. 
8.) Gun owners engaging in self-defense are taking the law into their own hands. This is wrong. Only the Police and Criminals have the right to take the law into their own hands. It should be kept out of the hands of citizens. 
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