|
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
THE PIG BLOG | PIG PRATTLERS
|
 PIG Prattle is PIGish mixture of news, images, blatantly PIGish self-promotion, things that make us laugh and the occasional commentary. If you're looking for hard news, you'll find that in our News Digest. If you're looking for table pounding commentary, you need to pay a visit to Hambo's Hammer. Are we all on the same page now, Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question. Crayons ready? |
June 30, 2009 Rewarding Room Temperature Patriots
June 28, 2009 Proofreading, A Dying Art Headline: Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Snarky Response: This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. Headline: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, expert Says Response: No crap, really? Ya think? Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Response: Now that's taking things a bit far! Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Response: What a guy! Headline: Miners Refuse to Work after Death Response: No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Response: See if that works any better than a fair trial! Headline: War Dims Hope for Peace Response: I can see where it might have that effect! Headline: If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Response: Ya think?! Headline: Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Response: Who would have thought! Headline: Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Response: They may be on to something! Headline: Red Ape Holds Up New Bridges Response: You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Headline: Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge Response: He probably IS the battery charge! Headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Response: Weren't they fat enough?! Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Response: That's what he gets for eating those beans! Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Response: Do they taste like chicken? Headline: Local High school Dropouts Cut in Half Response: Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Headline: Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Response: Boy, are they tall! And the winner is.... Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Response: Did I read that right? June 26, 2009 Long Lost Wisdom
So I said to him, "Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't Abe Lincoln." You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. .....Abraham Lincoln June 25, 2009 Light Blue Humor The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..." June 24, 2009 Joe Legal vs. Jose IL-legal
June 23, 2009 Brit Columnist Bitch-Slaps Barry Is it just me? Barack Obama and the CIA: If al-Qaeda, the Taliban and the rest of the Looney Tunes brigade want to kick America to death, they had better move in quickly and grab a piece of the action before Barack Obama finishes the job himself. Never in the history of the United States has a president worked so actively against the interests of his own people - not even Jimmy Carter. June 22, 2009 Monday Triple Treat Item #1: A Real Mans Grill
Item #2: The Bar
Luke ''The Drifter'' says: "We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumb by the rest of the world that we went to the polls last November and removed all doubt." Item #3: Survivor!...Texas Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do a season series entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John Kerry, George Strait Sucks, Obama in 2008 and I'm here to confiscate your gun, I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. June 21, 2009 You Go, Bro!
June 19, 2009 Required Reading An Open Letter to Barack Hussein Obama Lou Pritchett is one of corporate America's true living legends - an acclaimed author, dynamic teacher and one of the world's highest rated speakers. Successful corporate executives everywhere recognize him as the foremost leader in change management. Lou changed the way America does business by creating an audacious concept that came to be known as "partnering." Pritchett rose from soap salesman to Vice-President, Sales and Customer Development for Procter and Gamble and over the course of 36 years, made corporate history. Dear President Obama: You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike any of the others, you truly scare me. You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you. You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive Ivy League education and your upscale lifestyle and housing with no visible signs of support. You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth growing up in America and culturally you are not an American. You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll. You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus don't understand it at its core. You scare me because you lack humility and 'class', always blaming others. You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail. You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the 'blame America ' crowd and deliver this message abroad. You scare me because you want to change America to a European style country where the government sector dominates instead of the private sector. You scare me because you want to replace our health care system with a government controlled one. You scare me because you prefer 'wind mills' to responsibly capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves. You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose that lays the golden egg which provides the highest standard of living in the world. You scare me because you have begun to use 'extortion' tactics against certain banks and corporations. You scare me because your own political party shrinks from challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals. You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider opposing points of view from intelligent people. You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both omnipotent and omniscient. You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything you do. You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the Limbaughs, Hannitys, O'Relllys and Becks who offer opposing, conservative points of view. You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing. Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years. Lou Pritchett June 18, 2009 Wise Guys On Women When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates Women inspire us to do great things, and prevent us from achieving them. The great question...which I have not been able to answer....is, 'What does a woman want? I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Sigmund Freud 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' - Sam Kinison 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'..
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
First Guy (proudly):
June 16, 2009 Edumacation Indication of the How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a" It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." If they axe you why, tell dem dat the dash don't be silent. June 15, 2009 Questions That Haunt Us Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME shit, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your BUTT? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? June 14, 2009 "Sir Hopenchange" Our knight has come to save us all.
He began as a simple huckster shaking down government agencies and scamming public funding under the ambiguous title of community organizer. But his ability to talk good caught the media by their collective heart and it was love at first sound bite. They took control of building an image for him as the man who will reform our country into a quasi-socialist nation and change the world in the process. (heard this before?)
Finally, his transformation is complete. He has ascended to a glorious high that no one could have predicted 18 months ago. In the minds of the media, he is indeed the Messiah sent from the heavens to deliver the world into a new era of something wonderful that will be better than everything else that wasn't as wonderful even though it could have been but wasn't.
So, here we are - Whoddahthunkit? We are trusting the future, or at least the next four years to a cult figure who brings with him a questionable background, no executive experience and a very liberal congress controlled in both houses by people of questionable motives, morals and ethics. GOD, help us!
June 13, 2009 Grandmothers & Grandfathers Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers & Grandfathers? Well here it is: A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time... just he and his granddaughter. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it... June 12, 2009 PIGish Riddle What Gets Longer When Pulled,
A Seatbelt you pervert! Buckle up! June 10, 2009 The Interloper A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California , when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog. June 09, 2009 A Hunting Story An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. Will I Live to see 80? I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer, liquor, or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit? June 08, 2009 Letter From a Farm Kid Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training . You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, June 07, 2009 Stranger Than Fiction
June 06, 2009 Flav O’Bama? Skyeye nailed it - AGAIN - when he wrote: The leader of one of the largest Muslim countries on earth, plus some Saudi guy.
Is Barry morphing into Flavor Flave? Yup. The only missing item is the horned helmet. June 04, 2009 When Yelling Doesn’t Work When your boyfriend, husband or significant other does something that makes you angry don't give in to the temptation to argue and fight.. Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops to the floor.
I could watch this one over and over…. OH wait a minute…I have!!! June 03, 2009 Subliminal Art Good Morning, PIGsters! Let's see how active those brain cells are today. Can you see 10 faces in the tree? Porcus actually found 11.
There is a face in there. See it?
Can you see the baby?
Can you see the couple kissing.
Can you tell the difference between a horse and a frog?
June 01, 2009 America's New Fighting Force Probably more politically correct the further south you go! The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the : United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists: 1. The season opened today. The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday. Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.
May 31, 2009 Sign War This is literally a 'church signs' debate, being played out in a Southern US town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church, and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church. From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.
The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor! You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously and are getting a bit upset... May 30, 2009 Submitted by: Bad Moon The Bitch Well, sometimes life is a bitch! Unbelievable.
May 29, 2009 Vegetable Humor
May 28, 2009 Variations On A Theme >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life? "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know - I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> QUIET SEX Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking. "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his man-hood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, " $6,500 for "medium and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> NO SEX My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> OLD SEX One night an 87-yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment... killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could fly." May 26, 2009 Senior Citizens Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. Yes, I'm a senior citizen! I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door. Yes, I'm a senior citizen and I think I am having the time of my life! May 25, 2009 What Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?' May 24, 2009 Why Parents Drink A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. May 23, 2009 The Passionate Plumber It’s no secret that women have certain unresolved ‘issues’ with the male of the species. One of those issues keeps asking the same question: Isn’t there some marvel of modern technology that can make him WANT to WASH HIS HANDS? Prepare to be thrilled, ladies, because some passionate plumber just made washing those hands a labor of, uh, love, for certain men.
May 22, 2009 Greener Grass Yes, the grass is much greener, but, sometimes you can reach too far.
And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of; there is one thing you should always remember........
Not everyone who shows up...... Is there to help you! May 21, 2009 PIG-Worthy T-Shirt of the Week
May 20, 2009 Drive Time Fun This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up..... Sara: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?' May 18, 2009 Collateral Damage Now here's a hard core drinker and one tough Dodge truck. The driver hit the left turn light and sheared off the light post at the base, and then kept driving on about 2 miles to Squires Four Pub, where he stopped for more beer! How impaired do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a stop light? (I Wonder if the light was green?) The truck was towed about 2.5 miles to the towing yard, with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and the bumper bent around it. It took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.
Now he REALLY needed a beer! May 17, 2009 The Facelift A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29. 'The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50. Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30. Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' May 16, 2009 Little Johnny Remember reading all the jokes about 'Little Johnny'? You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say. Well, finally a photo of 'Little Johnny' has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture! The theme of this picture was, 'Make a funny face'!
I knew you'd be able to find him! May 15, 2009 Fact Or Fiction? And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land called America, having lost their morals, their work initiative, and their will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that person known as "The One". He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, "I am sent to save you. My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. For I shall save you with Hope and Change. Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who preceded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed." And the people rejoiced, for even though they knew not what "The One" would do, he had promised that he would bring change, and they proclaimed "Yes We Can". And "The One" said "We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!" And the people said, "Hallelujah!! Change is good!" Then He said, "We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,"---- And the people said "Sock it to them!" "---- and "Redistribute their wealth." And then He said, "Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody" And the people said, "Show us the money!" And Joe the plumber asked, "Are you kidding me? You're going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??" And "The One" ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe's personal records were hacked, publicized, and ridiculed; though no crime could be found. One lone reporter asked, "That shouldn't be, isn't that Marxist policy?" And she was banished from the kingdom! Then a citizen asked, "With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will you deal with radical terrorists?" And "The One" said, "Simple. I shall sit with them and talk kindly to them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!" And the people said, "Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!" Then "The One" said, "I shall give 95% of you lower taxes." And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY taxes." So "The One" said, "Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!" And the people said, "Hallelujah!! Show us the money!" Then "The One" said, "I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!" And the people yawned and the already slumping housing market fully collapsed. And He said, "I shall mandate employer-funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage, and lower the white collar wage. And I shall also give every person unlimited healthcare and medicine and even transportation to the free clinics." And the people said, "Give me some of that!" Then he said, "I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas." And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?" Then "The One" said, "I shall bankrupt the coal industry, and perhaps even the oil industry (Cap & Trade/Carbon Tax) and though electricity rates will skyrocket, we shall soon build wind farms and solar power stations and drive green cars that I shall mandate in Detroit!" And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don't care for that part about higher electric rates." So "The One" said, "Not to worry. If your rebate ($10/week) isn't enough to cover your extra expenses ($3,000/year), we shall bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!" "Only the fat cats will have to pay." Then He said, "Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing..." And the people said, "Hallelujah!!" And they made him King! And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers; though they sold much less of their products. Others simply gave up and went out of business, and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff. The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support. So "The One" again blamed the prior administration, extended unemployment benefits to a year, bailed out his favorite banks, and the man took over the banks and auto industries. "The One" said, "I am "The One" - The Messiah - and I'm here to save you! We shall just print more money so the government will have enough!" "Surely one trillion dollars will make everyone happy." And immediately the Fed complied and the money presses roared. And China reconsidered their one trillion dollars of loans to the US, and threatened to call in their debts. Other foreign trading partners said unto "The One", "Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more.. for everything.. as your dollar becomes worth less." And the people said, "Wait a minute.. That is unfair!!" And the world said, "Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. What factories are not owned by your government are owned by us. Now you shall play by our rules!" And "The One" said "Americans are arrogant, divisive, and derisive!" "We will listen." And the people cried out, "Alas, Alas!! What have we done?" But yea verily, it was too late. The people eventually set upon "The One" and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. But the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope. And the Change that "The One" had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them from within, and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built. And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, "Give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!" But it was too late, and the once-glorious "Home of the Brave and Land of the Free" was no more.. You may think this is a fairy tale, but it's not. It's happening RIGHT NOW, Already everything down to the last couple of lines.... May 14, 2009 Tool Time [PIGster Swine Flew sent us this handy-dandy list of definitions for the benefit of you PIGsters who spend quality time playing with your tools.] DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted race car body part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard- earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s#!t' ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly us ed to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need SOCKET WRENCH SET: More commonly referred to as a ratchet, is a type of wrench, or tightening tool, that uses separate, removable sockets to fit many different sizes of fittings and fasteners, minus the size you need. May 12, 2009 PIGish Sequel Movie sequels aren’t my idea of a good time. In too many cases, they fall far short of the original flick which spawned them. In some cases, the original is such a horror, you have no desire to see it, let alone a sequel. That’s certainly the case with a big screen blight named ‘Brokeback Mountain’. A sequel to ‘Brokeback Mountain’ should be banned, panned, and canned in the PIGdom, but, for some reason, the entire PIG Staff seems inexplicably eager to see this one. Maybe you can solve this mystery, by studying this poster.
May 11, 2009 Oldie But Goodie [This one sounds very familiar, but it’s worth running up the PIG flagpole again. Why? Because we can, and, because it still says what needs to be said.] Letter from Granddad: May 09, 2009 How To Identify a Budding PIG Dude Every picture tells a story, but, in this case, several pictures show you how to identify that hidden PIGster lurking inside your precious Rocket Boy. Sign One: He’s Passionate
Sign Two: He’s precocious
Sign Three: He’s a notorious lady’s man.
Sign Four( A dead giveaway): He’s a real pisser.
May 08, 2009 Smith & Wesson Model 180 - D Do you have anti-gun Democratic friends who do not seem as 'joyous' as they were after the election of the "Great One" Maybe they're worried about their 'security' at home with the increasing "residential crime" they've been reading about. Also, maybe they realize now that the police can't be everywhere to protect them within seconds.
The "SW18044L" ('L' signifies 'liberal').. You will note that this handsome, powerful weapon is a "commemorative model" which proudly bears the Democratic "Donkey", & a large capital "D"! May 07, 2009 Important Health Advice For Men Yesterday, we gave a rousing shout out to our PIGgals, with some important health advice. Today, we’re going to give you PIG dudes some important health advice which could, no bull crap, save your life. We urge you to study this image, because it shows you how to deduce when a date has gone tragically, fatally, wrong.
Important Health Advice for Women Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: WARNING: WARNING: WARNING: WARNING: *Margaritas are also available in generic form, known as tequila. Just as effective and costs only a fraction. May 04, 2009 Ikea Motors? Ikea has announced its intention to take over General Motors, and to sell cars.
We are in deep shit....................... May 03, 2009 A PIG-worthy Salute to the Marines I Like The Marines Because...
|
|
©
Copyright 1993-2009 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
|
|
|
Here is an example of why hiring illegal aliens is not economically productive for the State of California...
