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THE PIG BLOG | PIG PRATTLERS

PIG Prattle is PIGish mixture of news, images, blatantly PIGish self-promotion, things that make us laugh and the occasional commentary. If you're looking for hard news, you'll find that in our News Digest. If you're looking for table pounding commentary, you need to pay a visit to Hambo's Hammer. Are we all on the same page now, Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question. Crayons ready?

January 25, 2014

The Stranger
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family the stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked. And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?

We just call him 'TV.'

He has a wife now. We call her 'Computer.' Their first child is "Cell Phone". Second child "IPod. And just born was a grandchild: IPad.

January 24, 2014

Grandmothers and Grandfathers
Submitted By: Lone Star

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

January 23, 2014

Lazy Gun
Submitted By: PFO

January 22, 2014

Texting Tip
Stolen From: Page One PIG

From a teacher -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Bonus graphic dedicated to PIGster K-Cro:

January 20, 2014

Wisdom
Submitted By: PIGster GM

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by drinking and standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

7.1. Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, tattoos and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

27. How come we choose from just 2 people to run for president and over 50 for Miss America?

28. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just go "chunky dunking."

29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

30. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?

31. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

31.2 Don't argue with idiots; they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

January 19, 2014

A Wise Person Once Said...
Submitted By: Swine Flew

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

And

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

January 18, 2014

A Doctor Was Addressing A Large Audience At Oxford
Submitted By: PIGster GM

The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it...Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

January 17, 2014

New Parishioners
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem ?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him, "What happened?"

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts, but one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there!" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowes, either."

January 16, 2014

Christmas With Louise
Submitted By: PIGster GM

"Christmas With Louise"

Here Goes: As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked.My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

January 15, 2014

Three Stories About Bears
Submitted By: PIGster GM

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, and that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Murphy went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was also very excited.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.

And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

January 07, 2014

Sexual Harrasment
Submitted By: T-Cro

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the  coffee machine.  He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells  nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.  She takes her issue  to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment  grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker  telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."

December 28, 2014

Liberalism Is...
Submitted By: PIGster GM

Liberalism is…

1) ….idiots who think the police can keep us safe from criminals without ever accidentally hurting thugs who are resisting them and think the CIA can get information out of terrorists by giving them lattes, fluffing their pillows, and hugging them until they give in.

2) ….encouraging sexually deviant behavior at every turn, teaching young children about fisting and graphic gay sex, laughing at people who encourage modesty, and then demanding that college kids give formal consent before they kiss each other.

3) …a bunch of morons "occupying" a public park for months or blocking traffic who can't explain why they're doing it beyond talking about "peace," "justice," "fairness" or some other broad term that everyone who disagrees with them believes in as well.

4) ….butch, unveiled lesbians marching down the street with signs supporting Palestine, despite the fact they'd hang from lamp posts in 5 minutes if they actually lived there.

5) ….an extremely wealthy Democrat President who lives a more opulent lifestyle than the Queen of England when he's not golfing with rich celebrities and attending $30,000 a plate fundraisers lecturing everyone about how his opponents are the party of the rich.

6) ….screaming that people who work hard, play by the rules and pay taxes are heartless and greedy because they're not giving enough of their money away to support those who feel entitled to have others pay their way through life.

7) ….guys like Michael Moore and Noam Chomsky getting filthy rich in a capitalist country by selling really dumb people on how awful capitalism and rich people are for the country.

8) ….people who can't deliver the most basic scientific explanation of global warming or give a good answer to any tough scientific questions about it accusing other people of being "anti-science" for not agreeing with them on the subject.

9) ….a celebrity or politician with a half dozen armed security guards ensuring that nothing happens to him or his mansion demanding that guns be banned.

10) …liberal "feminists" who claim to represent all women turning out to typically be the bitterest, most hyper-sensitive and least feminine women you'll ever meet.

11) ….fighting to keep teachers and armed guards designed to protect the student body out of schools while also fighting to keep every Commie, terrorist, and moral degenerate you can imagine in the classroom teaching kids.

12) ….judging whether a comment is "racist" based mostly on liberal ideology, party affiliation and how chummy the person in question is with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

13) ….lecturing other people on doing things "for the children" while you advocate spending so much money today that "the children" will never have Social Security, Medicare or even the same level of prosperity we're now experiencing.

14) ….imbeciles lecturing everyone else on right and wrong when they're incapable of seeing a difference between cops and criminals, America and Isis, and Christians and Satanists.

15) ….people who demand that we treat men as guilty until proven innocent in rape and sexual harassment cases while they just shrug off all the accusations against Bill Clinton.

16) ….Democrat politicians who talk incessantly about how other people don't care about the poor while they do nothing about crime in poor neighborhoods, fight to keep poor Americans from having the choice to move their kids to better schools, and bring in illegal aliens to take their jobs.

17) ….howling about "tolerance" while you accuse everyone who disagrees with you of being a racist, try to put Christian bakers out of business for refusing to make cakes for gay weddings and urge newspapers and colleges to stop anyone you disagree with from being heard.

18) …. eating pork chops while writing hate-filled messages to people who put pictures of themselves hunting feral hogs up on the Internet.

19) ….slamming America as racist, sexist, homophobic, backwards, horrible and morally inferior to most of the rest of the world at every opportunity, but refusing to ever move to another country under any circumstances.

20) ….a PBS-watching, Starbucks-drinking hippy who works on his Apple, reads a book about Che Guevara on his Kindle, has dinner at Applebee's, then drives the Prius his parents bought for him to a protest where he can complain about how awful capitalism is and how much he hates corporations.

December 16, 2014

Revisiting Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted By: PIGster GM

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

December 15, 2014

The French
Submitted By: PIGster GM

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French division behind me." —General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France 

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh


"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin

"True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton


"The only way the French are going into Iraq is if we tell them we found truffles in Baghdad." —Dennis Miller

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum.—Dennis Miller


"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. People, he IS French."

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't even help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno


"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.


An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

December 14, 2014

The Skinny Dippers
Found In Cyberspace

An elderly man in Florida owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

He frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast.

December 13, 2014

The Lecture
Found In Cyberspace

December 09, 2014

Two Prostitutes
Found In Cyberspace

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes – $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “Jesus Saves.”

One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer said. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.

December 08, 2014

For The Ladies (An Oldie, but goodie)
Submitted By: Lone Star

For all those men who say, “Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.”

Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

December 07, 2014

Humor Time!
Stolen From: Page One PIG

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest,"especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

December 06, 2014

Karma Comes To Ferguson
Submitted By: PIGster GM

Ferguson Protester Accidentally Burns Down Own House

A protester in Ferguson, Missouri accidentally burned down his own house last night after mistaking the building for a convenience store.

According to a report in the Ferguson Post-Gazette, 32-year-old Tyler Jackson threw a Molotov cocktail into a window not realizing he was setting ablaze his own residence. The home, which was empty at the time, subsequently burned to the ground.

"It was dark. I got all turned around. I thought it was a 7-11 or something," he told the newspaper.

Witnesses describe Jackson shouting expletives after he realized what he had done. He then tried to put out the flames himself with a garden hose, but eventually called 911 and asked the fire department for aid.

"They told me they were too busy with other fires to come help," he lamented. "I couldn't believe it. I mean we pay these people's salaries! What do you mean you're too busy?

"A black person's house burns down and suddenly you're 'too busy' to put the fire out? This is what racism in America looks like."

Ferguson was the site of a controversial shooting on Aug. 9 when Michael Brown, an 18-year-old unarmed black teenager, was shot by police officer Darren Wilson.

Protests have raged in the town after a grand jury refused to indict Wilson on Monday. Although the majority of protests have been peaceful, a substantial minority of protesters have attacked law enforcement officers, looted stores and set fire to buildings.

These attacks have been called self-defeating because they usually target stores located in their own community and owned by local businesspeople.

The damage has been compounded by the fact that many fires go unattended due to concerns for the firefighter's safety.

Nevertheless sources say Jackson is considering filing a civil rights lawsuit against the fire department for not responding to the blaze.

"If it weren't for those racist firefighters I'd still have a home," he says.

If the judge can actually stop laughing long enough to throw the case out, maybe he will fine him for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

December 04, 2014

Smart Alex
Submitted By: Little Johnny

December 03, 2014

Windows vs Ford
Found On Page One PIG

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on:

At a computer expo. (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The air bag system would ask,"Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

December 02, 2014

Merry Christmas From PIGster Lone Star
Submitted By: Lone Star

Twas two months before Christmas,
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying,
Nor taking a stand.
 
Why the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
 
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
 
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say,
December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.
 
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and  credit,
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
 
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod,
Something was changing, something quite odd!
 
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa,
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
 
As Targets were hanging their trees upside  down,
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was nowhere to be  found.
 
 At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears,
You won't  hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
 
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty,
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
 
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen,
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
 
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter,
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith,
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
 
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and  discarded,
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
 
So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree,'
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
 
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy  Holiday !
 
Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet MERRY CHRISTMAS!

December 01, 2014

Mensa At Work
Stolen From: Page One PIG

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

November 30, 2014

Security Alerts
Stolen From: John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588,when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

November 29, 2014

PIGrammer
Not Found In Your Grandfather's Dictionary

November 27, 2014

Witless Tampering
Found On Facebook

November 26, 2014

John's Bad Parrot
Submitted By: Lone Star

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. 

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said;

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly;

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

November 25, 2014

He Said, She Said
Stolen From: Page One PIG

He Said To Me; I said to him!

He said to me: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him: You wear pants don't you?

He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That's a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him: They don't have time.

He said to me: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him: I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
I said to him: They already have boyfriends.

He said: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said: A widow.

He said to me: Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

November 24, 2014

9 Months Later...
Submitted By: PIGster GM

John decided to go golfing with his friend, Keith.  So they loaded up John's mini van and headed North.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
 
'Don't worry,' John said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.  And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
 
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.  They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.  But about nine months later, John received an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out,but he finally determined that it was from the lawyerr of the attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
 
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf outing 9 months ago?'
 
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
 
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
 
'Well, um, yes,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
 
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
 
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry old buddy.  I'm afraid I did.'
 
'Why do you ask?'
 
'She just died and left me everything.'

November 21, 2014

Signs
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.

At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be delighted.

In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills.

Chicago radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

November 19, 2014

Fun Stuff They Don't Teach In School
Submitted By: Swine Flew

November 17, 2014

Laws
Stolen From: Page One PIG

I believe these laws to be true and factual. Especially Oliver's Law.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

November 15, 2014

Oh, Brother
Submitted By: Swine Flew

November 14, 2014

Ray Rice Suspension Reaction Exposes The Lie Of Feminist Equality.Stolen From: Marcus Porcius

Equal - Equals, Not "Some Are More Equal" Than Others

Equal Rights For Women? Not Really What They’re Asking For.

Ray Rice punched his then-fiance Janay Palmer in the face.  Nobody disputes that.  Janay has stated that it was a mutual altercation and in some accounts she hit first, though the newest video apparently shows Rice hitting first.  A longer version shows Janay hitting Rice and spitting in his face before the punch.  Editing of the video may be at issue.

Both were initially charged with assault, but her charges were dropped and his enhanced.  The prosecutor in the case agreed to a first-time offender program for Rice and if he stays out of trouble the charges will be dropped in a few months.  The NFL and the Baltimore Ravens have flip-flopped on Rice and have suspended him indefinitely and terminated him, respectively.

Obviously if Rice initiated the physical assault he will be dealt with by the law and clearly deserves it.  But that’s not necessarily what happened, and the reaction to the Ray Rice’s suspension by almost everyone exposes the lie of the “equal rights for women” mantra.

If Ray Rice Had Punched A Man We’d Be Laughing.

Imagine the same video and substitute for Janay Palmer a man of equal size and weight to her.  The reaction to Ray Rice knocking him out would be completely different and anyone honest about it knows this.  Most people would never call a man attacking a stronger, larger man a victim if he ended up punched out.  But because Rice hit a woman, he’s automatically the “abuser” and according to some, a “monster” and worse.
That’s not equality for women by any stretch of the word.

 “It’s Never Okay To Hit A Woman.”

The very statement is sexist and unequal.  It should never be okay to hit anyone unless there is a legal justification such as self-defense.  The implied reverse is that it is at least sometimes okay to hit a man.

Estimates are that domestic violence is committed by men and women almost equally, and nobody ever criticizes a woman for fighting back in cases where the man is the aggressor.  But if a man fights back against an abusive female he is not granted similar dispensation.  In fact, the very same people who say “never blame the victim” immediately mock the male victim of domestic violence for being a wimp.  Or worse, and even more hypocritically, they ask “well, what did he do to her,” a completely unacceptable question when a woman is hit.   Nobody ever says to a woman, “it’s never okay to hit a man.”  If we cared about equality for women, we would, wouldn’t we?  Even a very liberal Whoopie Goldbergcan see that.

If you hit somebody you cannot be sure you are not going to get hit back. You have to teach women – do not put your hands on anybody. Do not live with this idea that men have this chivalry thing still with them. Don’t assume that that’s still in play. Don’t be surprised if you hit a man and he hits you back. If you make the choice as a woman who’s 4-foot 3-inches and you decide to hit a guy who’s 6-foot tall and you’re the last thing he wants to deal with that day and he hits you back you cannot be surprised. Let’s not kid anyone.

In fact, it’s even worst than that. We automatically label women innocent of, or even applaud them for, assaulting men.  Feminists write articles bragging about it.

We Do Think It’s Okay To Hit Men…Or Worse.

The White House released a statement on the matter (of course):

Hitting a woman is not something a real man does

How come nobody ever says “hitting a man is not something a real woman does?”  Because when a woman hits a man, we think it’s funny.  Here’s a prime example.

n a scene from the movie The HolidayCameron Diaz’s character is having a “domestic dispute” with her boyfriend over an alleged (but pretty obviously-true) infidelity.  He finally admits to sleeping with his secretary, and she proceeds to punch him in the nose.  He reacts by saying “are you kidding me” or something similar and she punches him again.  Audience cheers and laughs.  He deserved it because he cheated on her they say.
Another example is the case of Lorena Bobbittwho cut off her husband’s penis and drove off with it, eventually throwing on the side of the road.

Women everywhere cheered, and she was found not guilty by reason of insanity after alleging abuse.  A quick Google search shows that cutting off a man’s penis is a favorite female reaction to being wronged, regardless of the severity of the offense, and women largely deem the man to have “had it coming to him for what he did.”

But it’s never okay to hit a woman..or even lightly shove her.

In one particularly illustrative case, Stewart Marshall discovered that his wife had slept with his brother and that his child was not his, but in fact his brother’s.  Sometime during the argument that ensued he grabbed his wife by the sweatshirt and shoved her against the wall.  She suffered no injuries but he was arrested, charged and convicted of domestic battery.  The judge in the case, Joel Gehrke, suspended fines and a 90-day jail sentence and literally slapped the man on the wrist, telling him “don’t do that.”  He stated that while it was technically true that Marshall had committed the crime, he was sufficiently provoked to merit a (very) reduced sentence.

The result?  Feminists and liberal men everywhere screamed bloody murder, and the judge was targeted for dismissal.

How is it okay and even funny to hit a man or worse if he does something to “deserve” it when it’s never okay to even touch a woman no matter what she does to provoke it, up to and including a physical assault, as alleged in the Ray Rice case?

We have a federal “Violence Against Women Act” for domestic violence. Shouldn’t it be “Domestic Violence Prevention Act” or something similar?  It would be if we weren’t more interested in painting “equal” women as automatic victims and men as automatic abusers.

We Don’t Actually Believe In Equality For Women.

That’s the real truth.  As much as feminists and liberals would like us to believe, very few of us actually believe that women should be treated equally when it means the woman would be held responsible for something or would be put in any danger or even inconvenienced.  The same feminists who rant about a woman being able to do everything a man can do and better are the first ones screaming “victim” if a man even looks at a woman aggressively, such as the case of Hillary Clinton’s senate opponent approaching her podium to ask her to sign a pledge about soft money in campaigns.  Strong, independent, powerful Hillary Clinton immediately became a poor, defenseless woman at the hands of a big, bullying man.

It’s just as bad in daily life.  A woman is just as strong or stronger than any man, they say…until it comes to paying for the date, lifting heavy things, doing the home maintenance or investigating that noise downstairs in the middle of the night.  Imagine a man and a woman coming out of a bar and the woman being the target of a crude comment from a passing lout. The woman turns to her date and says “are you going to let him talk to me like that?”  The man turns to her and says “women are equal; are you going to let him talk to you like that?”  The woman would be disgusted by this “pansy” (and probably worse names) and by the end of the next day so would every woman she knows.

What about the infamous “honey do” list, whereby the wife or girlfriend gets to assign to her man a list of household chores he, by virtue of his maleness, is expected to perform?  It’s perfectly okay for her to delegate to him the “man” things, like cleaning gutters, doing the yard work, or taking out the garbage.  Can anyone imagine a man handing “his woman” (a term he’d better not ever use) a list of tasks such as doing his laundry or cooking him dinner on demand?  We label such men “backwards” and “Neanderthals” for even suggesting that any task is “women’s work,” do we not?

One real case from my own past is a perfect illustration of this so-called equality that women champion.  I worked at a school where most of the employees were women.  When we had staff softball games everybody wanted me.  When an angry parent got out of hand everybody wanted me.

When there were “showers” thrown for various staff members, I was not to be there because I was a man.  But when it came time to lift something heavy, I was in demand again.  In one case, two very feminist, very liberal women were moving tables around to get ready for a meeting.  One spotted me passing by, gave me the batting-eyelashes thing and said to the other “let’s get him to do it; he’s a big, strong man.”  I turned and said “a woman can do anything a man can do, and there are two of you.  Surely you can lift those tables on your own.  Equal rights!”  I received dirty, astonished looks and was whispered about and looked sideways at for a week.

Ray Rice Might Be Guilty Of Assault, But He’s More Guilty Of Being A Man.

The simple truth is that Ray Rice’s biggest crime was being a man.  If he had hit a man of equal size to his fiance he wouldn’t be in this mess.  If a lesbian couple had a similar fight and one woman (being much larger) had punched and knocked out the other, we wouldn’t even be talking about it.  It’s only the fact of his maleness that makes Ray Rice such a target for the “abuser” label, despite his “victim” denying it and Rice never having been charged before.

Ray Rice’s “abuse” would be described as “two people fighting” or at most, one person beating another…if we really cared about equality.

But most of us actually don’t.

November 13, 2014

The Meaning Of Service
Source: PIGster GM

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
 
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
 
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.                            
 
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

BAM!...It all came into perspective.
 
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

November 08, 2014

Science
Source: Prime

Today's lesson, static electricity.


Today's Definition

Camel toe, n.
Camel toe or cameltoe is a slang term that refers to the outline of a human female's labia majora, as seen through tightly fitting clothes. Due to a combination of anatomical factors and the tightness of the fabric covering it, the crotch and mons pubis may take on a resemblance to the forefoot of a camel.

November 07, 2014

Drilling Error
Source: Page One Pig

October 28, 2014

Headlines From The Year 2059
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.A

Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches - and they only average 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

October 27, 2014

The Trading Post, Navaho Style
Posted By: PFO

Swap
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'Oh, it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade...'

October 21, 2014

Some Political Tid-Bits
Posted By: PFO

10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

(Supposedly by David Letterman, but I very much doubt it.)

10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that get police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

And the #1 reason: I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers or fish in those other countries.

October 17, 2014

Adult-Themed Wisdom
Stolen From: Page One PIG

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
–Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
–George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
–George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
–Sharon Stone

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
–Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
–Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
–Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
–Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
–Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'!"
–Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
–Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
–Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
–Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
–Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
–Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
–George Burns

October 17, 2014

Eureka! At Last The Magic Formula
Stolen From: Some Network Executive

October 16, 2014

Prattle, Pasta-Slinging-Style
Submitted By: Luigi, Vinnie, Mamma Celeste, Chef Boy Ardee, Super Mario Brothers, Legitimate Businessmen and Olive Oil Importers

You know you're Italian when...

You're 5'6", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two mortadella "sangwiches," four oranges and three bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.

Your father owns five houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.

You share a bathroom with your five siblings, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.

You live in a 900-sq-ft bungalow, but still have two kitchens (one in the basement).

Your two best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

You are a card-carrying VIP at more than three dance clubs.

You have at least five cousins living on your street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.

A high school diploma and one year of community college has earned you the title of "Professore" among your aunts.

You are on a first name basis with at least four banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $25,000 on your first communion.

Your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone 30 years after immigrating.

Your grandmother has as many chin-whiskers as your grandfather.

You MUST argue to make your point.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

You know the words to "Dominick the Donkey" by heart.

Christmas Eve-only fish.

Your Nana's meatballs are the best.

Favorite movies-Godfather/Goodfellas/Bronx Tale/The Last Don/Moonstruck

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

You remember when plastic on the furniture was normal.

Know how to pronounce "manicotti."

You think athletic tee shirts are formal wear.

You think "The Sopranos" is a documentary.

You know what the terms "swag," "disrespecting the 'Bing'," and "vig" mean.

You have a hair-do that needs a building permit. Or your hair gel comes in 55-gallon drums.

Your sister still wears white to her wedding at 37 years old.
~ ~ ~
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, there they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that you are granted six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and poof she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and poof she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asked.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says..."No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months."
~ ~ ~
Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
~ ~ ~
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you got to the fifth it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Darn! Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but me?"

October 14, 2014

Not-So-Ancient Chinese Secrets
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Confucius Say:

• OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

• Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for real merchandise downstairs.

• Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

• Man with broken condom often called Daddy

• Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.

• Marriage is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

• Viagra just like Disneyland .... One hour wait for 2-minute ride.

October 13, 2014

A Pain In The Apps
Stolen From: Bruce Tinsley

October 10, 2014

Go Figure
Stolen From: Scaredy Cat

October 07, 2014

Ahhh! The Good Old Days
Stolen From: Sticky Fingers

October 02, 2014

PIGish Potpourri
Stolen From: Various Sources

Quotes

"We can't afford to deport tens of thousands of illegal immigrant kids, but apparently we can afford perpetual welfare benefits for them."
– Tweet from Meta World Data

"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
– Dave Barry

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say ‘Stop! Or I’ll say stop again!’” – Robin Williams

Zingers

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

History Lesson  Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer....  June 9, 1850 - California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.  And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

DON CHERRY, Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Canadian or American life, then I have only three things to say: 'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

 

 
Copyright 1993-2015 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette


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