" I want a woman who can swallow my pride"
- Frank Zappa
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• Who is PIG?
• PIG's Doctrines
I Pledge Allegiance
To The Way Cool Dudes
That Founded
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Because PIG Is The Place
That Gets In Your Face
Regardless Of
Gender, Orientation
Or Race

Don't Give 'Em The Finger,
Because It Won't Linger.
Don't Bother To Sass 'Em
Just IDGAS 'Em
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Which Moonbat Deserves A One-Way Trip To Another Galaxy?

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Michael Moore*
Maxine Waters
Any Kardashian
 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • 

 *Due To Intergalactic Freight Costs, Tonage, Limited Food &
Oxygen Supply, Michael Moore & Any Kardashian caboose Counts As Two Votes.

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PIG Prattle is PIGish mixture of news, images, blatantly PIGish self-promotion, things that make us laugh and the occasional commentary. If you're looking for hard news, you'll find that in our News Digest. If you're looking for table pounding commentary, you need to pay a visit to Hambo's Hammer. Are we all on the same page now, Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question. Crayons ready?

November 24, 2015
Think You Are Having A Bad Day?

Stolen From: Page One PIG

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day?

Just remember, it could be worse..

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What? Still having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

November 22, 2015
Things I Learned Watching The Democratic Debate

Stolen From: Page One PIG

1. Black Lives Matter, but not All Lives Matter.

2. College should be free.

3. Medical treatment should be free.

4. To become an American Citizen just show up here....

5. The economy sucks and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault.

6. The Middle Class is shrinking and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault.

7. The Average Family income is dropping and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault.

8. Black youths have over a 50% unemployment rate and after 7 years in office it's not Obama's fault.

9. Hispanic youth unemployment is over 35% and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault.

10. 50% of the population is paying 100% of all the taxes and they are still not paying their fair share.

11. Everyone who votes Democrat will work less, make more, get more time off, spend more time with family, pay less taxes, and get more government subsidies.

12. Everyone else does it, and so should we, regardless of the results in other places.

13. Government wants more money to squander on promises already broken.

14. The word "Progressive" is less cringe-worthy than saying you're a Liberal.

15. When America grows up, we want to be Norway, Sweden, or the Netherlands.

16. There's a quagmire in Iraq, Syria and the whole Middle East and Obama's retreating from the area has nothing to do with the situation.

17. Republicans want dirty air, dirty water, oil spills, trash on the streets, polluted oceans, old people without medical treatment, young people without educations, being paid the lowest wages possible, starving children, don't believe in equal rights, were responsible for Jim Crow Laws and not Affirmative action.

18. Snowden and General Petraeus broke laws for releasing and not securing secret documents but Hillary Clinton shares no responsibility.

19. Marijuana cures all diseases.

20. Marijuana smokers are being imprisoned for smoking a joint.

21. If elected, everything will be rainbows and unicorns – just like with Obama.

22. Hillary Clinton does walk on water.

23. Cheaters do prosper.

24. People often cheer stupidity.

25. There are only two candidates given a voice in the Democratic race.

26. Hillary and Bill Clinton were born poor black children.

27. All the qualifications needed to be President is to be a woman.

28. Evil looks like anything white, rich, successful, and productive.

29. You will receive a participation trophy in life.

30. Agreements of any kind should be signed and committed to even if the other agreeing party doesn't live up to its obligations.

31. Everything is still Bush's fault.

November 20, 2015
Morning Sex

Submitted By: Lone Star

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.  

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"  

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?"

She explained, “The egg timer's broken."

November 16, 2015
Fishing, Irish Style

Stolen From: Some McPIGster

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth.'

November 15, 2015
You Might Be A Communard If...

Stolen From: >>> The People's Cube >>>

The following is attributed to Jeff Foxworthy.

You May Be A Communard If...

  1. You feel that you have the ‘right’ to not be offended.
  2. You think that you have the ‘right’ to ‘feel safe’
  3. You feel that you have the ‘right’ to free healthcare
  4. You feel that you have a ‘right’ to a free college education.
  5. You feel that you have the ‘right’ to free housing
  6. You feel that you have the ‘right’ to enslave others
  7. You get insulted by the phrase ‘enslave others’
  8. You can’t acknowledge that Obama’s socialist national agenda has been responsible for economy for the past 7 years.
  9. You feel that Marxism is a workable economic theory
  10. You feel that some people just have too much money, and that you should have some of it…
  11. You feel that armed criminals aren’t threat, but 120 Million innocent gun owners are……
  12. You feel that keeping people out of the country is wrong, But keeping people out of your “Safe Space” is OK.
  13. You think that the word ‘communard’ means something that it doesn’t.
  14. You get insulted by the use of the word ‘communard’
  15. If you feel that Global Cooling .. er.. Global Warming.. er.. Climate Change is more of a threat than ISIS
  16. You think that people actually deny the climate changes
  17. You think that the “Union of Soviet Socialist Republics” And/or the “National Socialist German Workers' Party” WEREN’T Socialist.
  18. You think that the official name for North Korea explains those ‘inconvenient truths’ away.
  19. You think that you can arbitrarily define if a nation is socialist.
  20. You don’t know the meaning of the word ‘arbitrarily’ or other common words like 'Socialism', 'Communism', 'Collectivism'
  21. You feel that your property rights are sacrosanct but everyone else’s are up for grabs
  22. You think that you can round up 300 million firearms, but can’t find 30 Million illegal invaders
  23. You feel that ‘this time’ you can get the failed ideology of socialism to work without the attendant mass murder, misery, oppression and state terror…
  24. And you’re perfectly willing to sacrifice other people’s money, labour and lives in trying to prove it.
  25. You get upset when someone says that “you’re perfectly willing to sacrifice other people’s money, labour and lives in trying to prove it.”
  26. You feel that there are ‘75 Ways Socialism Has Improved America’
  27. You have the absurd notion that: "Socialism is taxpayer funds being used collectively to benefit society as a whole, despite income, contribution, or ability."
  28. You think that countries can exist without borders.
  29. You think that turning the US into a third world hole will ‘improve’ it.
  30. You think that ISIS has nothing to do with the death cult of radical Islam
  31. You think that Islam is a ‘religion of peace’
  32. Your wardrobe consists of T-shirts with images of the mass murdering psychopath Che Guevara.
  33. You can’t answer questions directly.
  34. You feel that gun control actually works.
  35. You ‘Feel the Bern’ when trying understand the class warfare BS [Bernie Sanders] of Marx.
  36. You feel that your supposed ‘Right’ to feel safe Trumps other people’s REAL right to defend themselves.
  37. You try to pretend that socialist regimes aren’t socialist but Free-market nations are.
  38. You feel that it would be better to follow the Marx’s Communist manifesto than the US Constitution.
  39. You feel that It’s better to have unlimited government than unlimited freedom.
  40. You feel that you have the right to free-stuff but others don't have a right to their property.

November 13, 2015
Divorce Agreement

Stolen From: Page One PIG

The person who wrote this is a college (law) student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.

I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a our separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like re-distributive taxes so you can keep them.

You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

We'll keep Bill O'Reilly, and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

November 12, 2015
Quotable Quotes

Stolen From: Page One PIG

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
– Will Rogers

You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.
– Joseph Levine

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers.
–Nikita Kruschchev

Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.
–Mack McGinnis

Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.

Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.
–George Mitchell.

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
–Mark Twain

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
–PJ O'Rourke

Crime does not pay — as well as politics.
–Alfred E. Newman

In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. –Thomas Pickering

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'
–Theodore Roosevelt

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
–Gore Vidal

On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.
–Alexis de Toqueville

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
–Ernest Benn

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. –Will Rogers

Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk. –Edgar A. Shoaff

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
–Will Rogers

November 09, 2015

Submitted By: Lug Nuts

It's all in the mechanics of the conversation:

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

November 05, 2015
Kid Stuff

Stolen From: Page One PIG

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

October 30, 2015
Weapons Of Math Destruction

Stolen From: PIGstress Grammy

October 28, 2015
High School Reunion

Stolen From: Page One PIG

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 40 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

October 27, 2015
More Paraprosdokians

Submitted By: GM

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkys ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Dictionary-ready additions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

October 26, 2015
Notes On Aging

Stolen From: Page One PIG


Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

October 23, 2015
The Prostate Exam

Submitted By: Lone Star

Wonder where this Urologist is located?

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say '99'.”

The old guy obeys and says "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side, bend your knees as before, then while I repeat the procedure take a deep breath and say "99".

Again, the old guy says '99'.

The doctor says, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'.

The old guy begins, One...two...three...

October 21, 2015

Stolen From: Page One PIG

Received this email from our German friends in Hamburg. Wow, much to absorb in this! Take your time and read to the end. So glad now that I learned English as a first language!

My Berlin born mother used to tell me that English was the most difficult of the languages she knew. This would be exhibit 1 in her argument. But from what I know of Mandarin, the Chinese also have words that look alike but sound different for a different meaning.

You think English is easy?

I think a retired English teacher was bored and came up with this!

Read all the way to the end. This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS: Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

October 17, 2015
Four Stories

Submitted By: Lone Star


A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.


An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

 "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then – point at your watch and say times up?"


A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.   

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

"She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers."

October 14, 2015

Stolen From: Page One PIG

Because of his laziness, stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mama came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mama that, honestly, her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue. She raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend, Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought Tyrone had become a heart surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama.

October 11, 2015
Media Narrative Chart

Stolen From: Swine Flew via Jon Gabriel/Ricochet.com

I created a chart to ensure that budding journalists understand how to properly frame a story involving any type of shooting, terror attack, or other violent crime. Remember that the job of the Objective Journalist™ is not to tell the audience what happened, but to expand the event into an indictment of Western culture.

October 10, 2015

Stolen From: Page One PIG

An Obituary printed in the London Times... Absolutely Brilliant!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

* Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
* Why the early bird gets the worm;
* Life isn't always fair; and
* And maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims and everything was politically correct.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by:

* His parents, * Truth and Trust;
* His wife, * Discretion;
* His daughter, Responsibility; and
* His son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:

* I Know My Rights;
* I Want It Now;
* Someone Else Is To Blame;
* I'm A Victim; and
* Pay me for Doing Nothing.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

October 09, 2015
Aw, Nuts!

Stolen From: PIGstress Grammy

October 08, 2015
PIGish Dietary Guidelines

Stolen From: Page One PIG

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

October 07, 2015
The Hookers Union

Stolen From: Page One PIG

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

October 03, 2015
How To Stop Church Gossip

Stolen From: Page One PIG

Mary, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mary's house, walked home and left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank!

September 29, 2015
Thoughts On Aging

Submitted By: Lone Star


1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

September 28, 2015
The Barber Chair

Submitted By: Lone Star

A guy sat in the barber's chair, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine..."

The barber began to lather his face, while a woman with the firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

Chuck said, "Young  lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel  room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The man said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

 She said, "You tell him; you're closer."

September 20, 2015
The Goldberg Brothers

Stolen From: Page One PIG

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show – Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max – on the controls.

September 17, 2015

Stolen From: Page One PIG

1. Now on sale at IKEA - lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

3. Due to a water shortage in California, the Los Angeles public swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

4. Bobby thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

5. I got fired from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69.

6. Jose is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Do you have vertigo?"
Jose replies "No, I only live round the corner".

7. After 100 years lying on the seabed, divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

September 17, 2015
Home Schooled

Stolen From: Page One PIG

America is a melting pot, we all had the same parents.
Most of our generation of 50+ were home schooled in many ways:

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job done well. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me irony. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about".

8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about contortionism. "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about weather. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about behavior modification. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about receiving. "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me genetics. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

September 08, 2015
Dear Abby

Submitted By: PIGstress Mary

August 21, 2015
Home Security System

Submitted By: Bill T.

I got this off an Email: Want a cheap home security system with no monthly fees? Try what I did.

We took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

We’ve disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all protecting the house 24/7.

I’ve never felt safer.

August 16, 2015
Stolen From: Page One PIG

On The Road With Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton goes jogging and along his route a very pretty street walker sees him. The attraction is instant and mutual.

"$50!" she shouts to Bill. Bill shouts back, "5!" She gives Bill the finger.

Two days later, Bill takes the same jogging route. The same hooker is on the same street corner.

"$50!" she shouts. Bill shouts back, "$5!" She shouts back, "Cheap Charlie!"

Two weeks later Hillary wants to go jogging with Bill. Bill makes sure they take a different route than the one where he knows the hooker usually works, but along the new route, the same good looking hooker is on a street corner. Bill looks straight ahead and avoids eye contact.

She shouts, "See what you get for five bucks!?"


August 15, 2015
Submitted By: PIGster Bill T.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil.

August 14, 2015

Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton:

* Mexican tap water

* A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign

* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

* A fart when I have diarrhea

* An elevator ride with Ray Rice

* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

* Michael Jackson's Doctor

* An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran

* A Palestinian on a motorcycle

* Gas station Sushi

* A Jimmy Carter economic plan

* Brian Williams news reports

* Loch Ness monster sightings

* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton


1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. –Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. –John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. –Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. –Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. –Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. –Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. –William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. –Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. –Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. –Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. –Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. –Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! –Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. –Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. –Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. –Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. –Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. –Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. –Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. –All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. –George Deukmejian

And Finally...

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. –Lee Trevino

August 12, 2015

Southern Exposure

Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are "Southern" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

August 05, 2015

Zen Teachings
Stolen From: Page One PIG

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone 20 bucks and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one of them works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It's difficult only for others. It is the same when you are stupid.

August 04, 2015

Stress Management
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?' She fooled them all. "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.

1. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue!

2. Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.

3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4. Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. Never buy a car you can't push.

9. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12. The second mouse gets the cheese.

13. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

16. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

17. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

18. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.


19. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!

August 01, 2015

Ladies Adult Learning Center
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
The Adult Learning Center

Registration must be completed
By November 29, 2015

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat; Step by step, with slide presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?: Round table discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? – Group Debate; Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? – Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program – Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Can a Bath or Shower Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum; Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch – They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! – Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live – How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12: How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

July 29, 2015

The Gynecologist Vist
Submitted By: PIGster GM

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. Never

July 27, 2015

The Purina Diet
Submitted By: PIGster GM

So I'm at WalMart buying a bag of Purina Dog Chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???

So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a real cute poodle's butt, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Better watch what you ask me, and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

July 26, 2015

Stolen From:Page One PIG

Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

July 22, 2015

How To Destroy Your Cell Phone
Stolen From:You Tube

>>> Graham Vs Trump >>>

July 16, 2015

Submitted By: PIGstress Mary

July 07, 2015

Cowboy Wisdom
Stolen From: Page One PIG

I have lived, loved, lost and loved again. Life is not easy... but it is what it is.

Cowboy rules for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, Nevada, and the rest of the "Wild West "are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!

July 07, 2015

Going Bananas
Submitted By: Day-O

Gwen was one of those UGLY women that she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life.

But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.

Gwen left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought:

"The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins” She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But, incredibly Gwen didn't die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, and thinking she'd died, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said:


June 30, 2015

There's A Sign Post Up Ahead, Dudes
Submitted By: PIGstress Grammy via Joey None

On the road to Neuterville, at the Eunuch county line.

Don't turn down this road!

June 27, 2015

Hallmark Moments
Submitted By: PIGstress Grammy

10 Scientific Reasons Proving Drinking Beer Is Actually Good For You

Mothers, girlfriends and wives – listen up! I know you tell us men all the time that too much beer is bad for your body, and you’re probably right. But what you didn’t know is that beer can actually be good for you in many instances. This puts a big fly in the ointment, doesn’t it?

I know it’s going to take some serious scientific muscle flexing for me to convince you, I’m not stupid. But what if I started by saying that the legendary ‘beer belly’ we’re all worried out might not be a real thing…

Interest peaked? Here are 10 scientific reasons which show that beer is actually good for you.

1. It actually makes you live longer
Researchers have found out that regular beer drinkers (not alcoholics mind) are 19% less likely to drop dead during a given time period than those boring types who have never touched a drop of the amber nectar.

2. Sod dieting, beer makes you THIN
Beers with a high alcohol content such as Leffe can actually make you thin according to science. I was skeptical, but according to King’s College London Professor Tim Spector, drinking Belgian beers can actually aid bacteria in your gut, helping efficient digestion. Drop the shakes and the sticks of celery, and get yourself a crate of the good stuff.

3. It even fights the big C
Apparently an enzyme in beer can help in the fight against cancer. Xanthohumol (I’ve never heard of it either), which is a flavour component found in hops, is a potent antioxidant which puts a stop to cancer-causing enzymes.

4. Beer can keep your brain sharp apparently
All the evidence I have encountered points to the opposite, but apparently beer can help long term mental issues. Women who had one alcoholic drink a day were better safeguarded against their mental faculties declining with age.

5. The ‘beer belly’ is a myth
A study at UCL revealed that there isn’t much concrete science to back up the ‘beer belly’ myth. They found that the link between obesity and drinking beer is really tenuous. I’ve got another theory though, it’s not the beer, but all those drunken late night kebabs that probably do it.

6. It stops kidney stones, thank the lord!
Moderate beer drinkers are 41% less likely to develop the dreaded kidney stones than those who don’t. People who don’t drink beer… you do realise that those stones have to come out of somewhere eventually? Get on it.

7. Calories? What calories?
I’ve always been told that beer is uber-high in calories, but it turns out that this is a total exaggeration. Orange juice and skimmed milk are just two drinks that have a higher calorie count than our good friend beer. It’s a conspiracy I tell you.

8. Hoppier beers can stave off Alzheimer’s
They may lead to you losing your short term memory after a night out, but hoppy beers can help defend against the scourge that is Alzheimer’s disease. Our good friend Xanthohumol is back again, protecting the brain against degenerative disorders. Don’t worry, beer has your back.

9. Beer is CHOCK FULL of vitamins
Forget all this “apple a day” bollocks, you can get loads of much needed vitamins down the pub. Not content with just providing us with everyday vitamins, beer actually contains ‘super-nutrients’. I think we have a winner.

10. Step aside Mr. Cow, because beer makes your bones stronger
Beer is rich in dietary silicon, which is apparently essential in building bone mineral density. Does this mean that schools should start giving out free pints to the kids at lunchtime?

June 25, 2015

Hallmark Moments
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Bad day at Hallmark
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day.

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you...
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia)

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.

June 22, 2015

Abbott And Costello On Math
Submitted By: PIGstress Grammy

>>> Doing The Math >>>

June 21, 2015

Senior Moments
Stolen From: Page One PIG

When You're Over 70
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
~ ~ ~
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
~ ~ ~
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
~ ~ ~
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
~ ~ ~
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap!

June 12, 2015

Beer vs Vaginas
Submitted By: PIGster GM

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, Pilsner, ale, lager, etc... with vagina you also have a choice, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, and Eskimo...
Call it a DRAW

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it
One point to BEER

20. Beer with yeast in it still tastes rather nice.
One point to BEER


That's it! The matter is settled, the unfortunate, yet tasty winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.

An extra point for BEER (sorry girls)

June 09, 2015

Piss Test

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.

“I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!” The old man says.

The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.

The IRS agent is pissed. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye.

The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he takes the bet.

The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.

Down $5000 the IRS agent is fuming!

Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.”

The agent knows he won’t be able to this and knows he’ll win this one for sure!

The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork.

The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the old man’s attorney over in the corner freaking out. “Are you all right dude?” asks the agent. “HELL NO!

On the way over here, the old man bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”

June 06, 2015


Study the picture first and then read the story.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"

May 25, 2015

Handy Man?
Stolen From: The Tool Shed

May 20, 2015

From A Grateful Immigarant
Stolen From: Swine Flew

It looks like we did some good after all! On Saturday, July 24th, 2010 the town of Prescott Valley, AZ, hosted a Freedom Rally. Quang Nguyen was asked to speak on his experience of coming to America and what it means.

He spoke the following in dedication to all Vietnam Veterans. Thought you might enjoy hearing what he had to say:
“35 years ago, if you were to tell me that I am going to stand up here speaking to a couple thousand patriots, in English, I'd laugh at you. Man, every morning I wake up thanking God for putting me and my family in the greatest country on earth.

I just want you all to know that the American dream does exist and I am living the American dream. I was asked to speak to you about my experience as a first generation Vietnamese-American, but I'd rather speak to you as an American.

If you hadn't noticed, I am not white and I feel pretty comfortable with my people.

I am a proud U.S. citizen and here is my proof. It took me 8 years to get it, waiting in endless lines, but I got it, and I am very proud of it.

I still remember the images of the Tet offensive in 1968, I was six years old.

Now you might want to question how a 6-year-old boy could remember anything. Trust me, those images can never be erased. I can't even imagine what it was like for young American soldiers, 10,000 miles away from home, fighting on my behalf.

35 years ago, I left South Vietnam for political asylum. The war had ended. At the age of 13, I left with the understanding that I may or may not ever get to see my siblings or parents again. I was one of the first lucky 100,000 Vietnamese allowed to come to the U.S. Somehow, my family and I were reunited 5 months later, amazingly, in California. It was a miracle from God.

If you haven't heard lately that this is the greatest country on earth, I am telling you that right now. It was the freedom and the opportunities presented to me that put me here with all of you tonight. I also remember the barriers that I had to overcome every step of the way. My high school counselor told me that I cannot make it to college due to my poor communication skills. I proved him wrong. I finished college. You see, all you have to do is to give this little boy an opportunity and encourage him to take and run with it. Well, I took the opportunity and here I am.

This person standing tonight in front of you could not exist under a socialist/communist environment. By the way, if you think socialism is the way to go, I am sure many people here will chip in to get you a one-way ticket out of here. And if you didn't know, the only difference between socialism and communism is an AK-47 aimed at your head. That was my experience.

In 1982, I stood with a thousand new immigrants, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and listening to the National Anthem for the first time as an American. To this day, I can't remember anything sweeter and more patriotic than that moment in my life.

Fast forwarding, somehow I finished high school, finished college, and like any other goofball 21 year old kid, I was having a great time with my life. I had a nice job and a nice apartment in Southern California. In some way and somehow, I had forgotten how I got here and why I was here.

One day I was at a gas station, I saw a veteran pumping gas on the other side of the island. I don't know what made me do it, but I walked over and asked if he had served in Vietnam . He smiled and said yes. I shook and held his hand. The grown man began to well up. I walked away as fast as I could and at that very moment, I was emotionally rocked. This was a profound moment in my life. I knew something had to change in my life. It was time for me to learn how to be a good citizen. It was time for me to give back.

You see, America is not just a place on the map, it isn't just a physical location. It is an ideal, a concept. And if you are an American, you must understand the concept, you must accept this concept, and most importantly, you have to fight and defend this concept. This is about Freedom and not free stuff. And that is why I am standing up here.

Brothers and sisters, to be a real American, the very least you must do is to learn English and understand it well. In my humble opinion, you cannot be a faithful patriotic citizen if you can't speak the language of the country you live in. Take this document of 46 pages - last I looked on the Internet, there wasn't a Vietnamese translation of the U.S. Constitution. It took me a long time to get to the point of being able to converse and until this day, I still struggle to come up with the right words. It's not easy, but if it's too easy, it's not worth doing.

Before I knew this 46-page document, I learned of the 500,000 Americans who fought for this little boy. I learned of the 58,000 names scribed on the black wall at the Vietnam Memorial. You are my heroes. You are my founders.

At this time, I would like to ask all the Vietnam veterans to please stand. I thank you for my life. I thank you for your sacrifices, and I thank you for giving me the freedom and liberty I have today. I now ask all veterans, firefighters, and police officers, to please stand. On behalf of all first generation immigrants, I thank you for your services and may God bless you all.

Quang Nguyen
Creative Director/Founder
Caddis Advertising, LLC

"God Bless America "
"One Flag, One Language, One Nation Under God"

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.


May 13, 2015

Royal Navy New Ships and Guidelines
Stolen From: Just Faaaaabulous!

Nearer the truth than you may think!)

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.

The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels "

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

May 10, 2015

Smarty Pants?
Stolen From: Cyberspace

A young boy enters the barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer…

We have all run into people who think they’ve got it all figured out. Some even brag to others about how smart they are and how dumb everyone else is.

And it’s always fun to see them get played. Like this …

A young boy enters a barbershop… the barber whispers to his customer,

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch.”

The barber puts a dollar in one open palm and two quarters in the other and asks the kid, “Which do you want?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why’d you take the quarters and not the dollar?” he asks.

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”  (H/T The Federalist Papers Project)

This joke is funny because the boy is the real genius who understands human nature and is motivated by what motivates a lot of little kids — free ice cream.

He was definitely smarter than he looked and it wouldn’t be surprising to see the government come after entrepreneurial kids like this and offer them jobs because they are pretty good at taking other people’s money — a little bit at a time.

May 09, 2015

Dear Abby...
Submitted By: Lone Star

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat.

He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him.

Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!

You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Signed: Abby

May 07, 2015

The Benefactor
Submitted By: Lone Star

That cabby is one smart dude...

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. 

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money:

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'

May 05, 2015

Meanwhile, While The City Burned...
Submitted By: Miss Piggy

May 04, 2015

Church Ladies With Type Writers
Submitted By: Lone Star

No punch lines needed.

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:  
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

Scouts   are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.  

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.  
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.  
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.  
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.  
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up...
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

May 04, 2015

Submitted By: Lone Star

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad,Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.  Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.

Well maybe you did if you voted for Obama.

May 03, 2015

The Unhappy Golfer
Submitted By: Swine Flew

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope.  He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.  One day in his despair, he decided  to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.  He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?  I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.  He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.  He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy.  My butt itches."
Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.

April 23, 2015

APRIL 08, 2015

Guns For Geeks
Submitted By: Lone Star

Here's a high-tech way to "Say hello to my little friend."

>>> Click Here For iGun Demo >>>

April 03, 2015

A "Don't You Just hate When This Happens" Moment
Submitted By: Mr. Tamborine Man

April 02, 2015

The Irish Painter And The Gallery
Submitted By: Blarney Stoned

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. “In fact”, he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society”.

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They’re just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

March 27, 2015

The Rumor
Stolen From: Page One PIG

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

March 26, 2015

An Oldie But Goodie
Submitted By: Swine Flew

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them..

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.          

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.                

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up..

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.  

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

March 25, 2015

The Italian Wedding Test
Stolen From: Page One PIG

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

March 22, 2015

Redneck Wedding Night
Stolen From: Cyberspace

So a couple from Kintucky gets married and the father of the groom is sitting reading the paper when his son bursts in and the father asks "son why are you are here shouldn't you be on your honeymoon with your new wife?"

To which the son responds "Well I couldn't consummate the marriage since she is virgin"

The father responds "That's great why would you leave something like that?"

The son then says "If she's not good enough for her brother she damn sure ain't good enough for me!"

March 15, 2015

Your Call
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know which is worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.


3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

March 14, 2015

How I Lost My Teeth
Stolen From: Cyberspace

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer in spandex came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do.”

I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

March 13, 2015

A Correct Anthropological Theory
Submitted By: Porcus Welby, MD

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish and like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated-hitter rule because they thought it wasn't fair to make the pitcher bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. The Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss off more liberals.

March 11, 2015

Divine Inspiration
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

You are going to love the Dad's reply: To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

March 10, 2015

Word Play
Submitted By: Swine Flew

 Did I read that sign right?

In a Laundromat:

In a London department store:

In an office:

In an office:

Outside a secondhand shop:

Notice in health food shop window:

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)

Seen during a conference:

Notice in a farmer's field:

Message on a leaflet:

On a repair shop door:

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?

Police Begin Campaign to
Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

March 07, 2015

A Cowboy Tombstone
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

March 05, 2015

Five Best Things to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:
Stolen From: Page One PIG

No. 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

No. 4: This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

No. 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

No. 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

No. 1: (And MY all time Favorite): Best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen .

*Publisher's Note: If you really want to get your bosses attention, make sure PIG's Homepage is displayed and at that point you'll either get fired on the spot or be in line for that juicy promotion.

March 04, 2015

Smart Asses
Submitted By: Lone Star

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.  Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, they didn't get old by being stupid!

March 03, 2015

The Ultimate Blonde Joke
Posted By: PFO

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a aquare mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

February 28, 2015

The Hillbilly Vasectomy
Posted By: Jasper

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me'.

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

February 24, 2015

Two Friends In Heaven
Stolen From: Page One PIG

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive.

February 21, 2015

Bent Over
Lifted From: Cyberspace

February 18, 2015

Irish Fun
Posted By: Paddy O'Publisher

• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will clobber any man who does.

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

• Question – What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
Answer – A bachelor.

• Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "Did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine having to give up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

February 17, 2015

Why Carry A Gun?
Stolen From: Page One PIG

My old Grandpa said to me, 'Son, there comes a time in every man's life when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps and usually it's when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin'.'

I don't carry a gun to kill people; I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don't carry a gun to scare people; I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid; I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I'm evil; I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I hate the government; I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don't carry a gun because I'm angry; I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone; I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy; I carry a gun because, when I die and go to Heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man; I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate; I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don't carry a gun because I love it; I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

Police protection is an oxymoron: Free citizens must protect themselves because police do not protect you from crime; they just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess.

Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take an ass whoopin'!

February 16, 2015

Self-Examination For Alzheimer's Disease
Submitted By: PIGster GM

It takes less than 15 seconds..

If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S


5. SIX

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Congratulations. You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a pervert

February 15, 2015

Good News/Bad News
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A lawyer says to a wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says, "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 million."

The tycoon replies enthusiastically, "Well done! Very good news indeed! You've just made my whole day – what could possibly be the bad news?"

Lawyer:  "The pictures are of you banging your secretary."

February 14, 2015

Types Of Sex
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small', $6,500 for 'medium', and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever'.'

Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.' '

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly.'

February 09, 2015

The Hollywood Squares Revisited
Stolen From: Page One PIG

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

February 08, 2015

The Ski Trip
Posted By: K-2

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

February 07, 2015

Random Thoughts
Stolen From: Page One PIG

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

February 06, 2015

The Old Blind Cowboy
Stolen From: WTF Magazine

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar bar by mistake. He fings his way to a bar stooland orders a Jack Daniels.

After sitting there a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bartender immediately falls silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you shouls know 5 things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy-club.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is  blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutter, .No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…’

February 04, 2015

Jewish Comedians
Posted By: Some Gentile

Those fabulous Jewish Comedians – You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.

" Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

February 02, 2015

Posted By: Your Friendly, Neighborhood Handyman

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar.”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he see the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he noticed the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake a him a cake.”

He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Helloooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

February 01, 2015

Stolen From: Page One PIG

A man received the following text from his neighborI am so sorry EdI've been riddled with guilt and I have to confessI have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."

On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody spell check!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your wifi."

January 28, 2015

The Irish Painter And The Gallery
Stolen From: Cyberspace

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple   were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. “In fact”, he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society”.

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple   and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?”, asked the couple.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They’re just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

January 27, 2015

A Twofer Tuesday
Stolen From: Page One PIG

PIGish Humor

A student who obtained 0% for his responses, as listed below, on a class exam responded to those questions with what I believe was considerable foresight. It is apparent the exam preparer did not, in my opinion, phrase the questions appropriately as to direct the student to respond with the answer he/she had in mind as the only acceptable one.

Q. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A. His last battle

Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A. At the bottom of the page

Q. River Ravi flows in which state?
A. Liquid

Q. What is the main reason for divorce?
A. Marriage

Q. What is the main reason for failure?
A. Exams

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A. Lunch & dinner

Q. What looks like half an apple?
A. The other half

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A. It will simply become wet

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A. No problem, he sleeps at night

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all, the wall is already built

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

PIGish Humor II

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it ... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. So, I tried retirement and I found I'm perfect for the job!

January 25, 2015

The Stranger
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family the stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.

But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked. And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?

We just call him 'TV.'

He has a wife now. We call her 'Computer.' Their first child is "Cell Phone". Second child "IPod. And just born was a grandchild: IPad.

January 24, 2014

Grandmothers and Grandfathers
Submitted By: Lone Star

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

January 23, 2015

Lazy Gun
Submitted By: PFO

January 22, 2015

Texting Tip
Stolen From: Page One PIG

From a teacher -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Bonus graphic dedicated to PIGster K-Cro:

January 20, 2015

Submitted By: PIGster GM

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by drinking and standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

7.1. Money can't buy happiness but poverty can't buy anything.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, tattoos and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

27. How come we choose from just 2 people to run for president and over 50 for Miss America?

28. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just go "chunky dunking."

29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

30. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?

31. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

31.2 Don't argue with idiots; they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

January 19, 2015

A Wise Person Once Said...
Submitted By: Swine Flew

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

January 18, 2015

A Doctor Was Addressing A Large Audience At Oxford
Submitted By: PIGster GM

The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High trans fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it...Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

January 17, 2015

New Parishioners
Stolen From: Page One PIG

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem ?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him, "What happened?"

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts, but one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there!" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowes, either."

January 16, 2015

Christmas With Louise
Submitted By: PIGster GM

"Christmas With Louise"

Here Goes: As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd never heard of. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What in the hell is that?" she asked.My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

January 15, 2014

Three Stories About Bears
Submitted By: PIGster GM

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, and that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Murphy went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was also very excited.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.

And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down the hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

January 07, 2015

Sexual Harrasment
Submitted By: T-Cro

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the  coffee machine.  He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells  nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.  She takes her issue  to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment  grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker  telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."



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