A Critique of Human Sexuality
a virtual axiom of engineering that no matter how elegant the design,
no matter how well the design engineer anticipates the uses to which
his design will be put, the end user will abuse his design in ways
the most brilliant engineer never dreamed possible. The television
remote control is an excellent example of this axiom at work.
modern remote control is a marvelous example of superior design
engineering. In addition to remembering all four of the shows you're
watching concurrently, it will, when the right combination of buttons
is pushed, race out to the kitchen, fix you a sandwich, fetch you
a cold brewskie and get back with it so quickly, you won't know
it's gone. Made of a durable plastic, the modern remote can be molded
to fit the end user's hand. In a valiant, but ultimately futile,
effort to 'idiot proof' the design, the modern remote includes a
convenient battery department which is clearly marked with the size
and orientation of the batteries. The fatal flaw in the engineer's
brilliant design becomes evident when, with one final, heroic, effort
the rapidly declining batteries attempt to keep switching between
the ball game, the Monster Truck Rally's Bikini Contest, and the
semi-porno flick on a movie channel. Should the batteries fall short
and leave the end user stranded on - GASP! - a prime time 'Best
of Oprah' special, the end user will submit the engineer's brilliant
design to the infamous, often fatal, 'wall test', invariably, a
shattering experience for our superbly engineered television remote.
our axiom of engineering is true for something as trivial as a television
remote, it is especially true in the field of biological (human)
engineering. The fabled celestial engineer is doomed to discover,
the hard way, what our mythical design engineer has learned through
bitter experience: most end users are morons, drooling incompetents
whose mental processes haven't advanced since that first mutated
ape 'walled' his mate when he burned his fingers - again - in the
cave's cooking fire.
the title of this article suggests, the celestial engineer's primary
design flaw involves human sexuality in general and human reproduction
in particular. After doing such a marvelous job in this area with
countless animal species, our celestial engineer stepped on his
eternal dork when he got to human sexuality. That's what happens
when an exhausted, hard working engineer, after a slam bang week
of creating the Universe, the Earth, all the plant and animal species,
in six action-packed days, does a rush job on the species to which
he's entrusting all his other work: humans. Instead of slapping
us together on that first Saturday, he should have rested the whole
weekend and started on us, well rested, on the following Monday.
our animal counterparts whose sexual drive is entirely procreational,
our exhausted celestial engineer cursed humans with a dual purpose
sex drive which is procreational and recreational at the same time.
Our animal friends get to ignore their sex drives for months at
a time, until, at specific times of the year, they gather to 'perpetuate
the species.' Another design advantage given to animals involves
who is allowed to breed. In many animal species, only the select
few - the strongest, genetically superior, who have the greatest
chance for survival - are allowed to breed. This fact of nature
forced me to codify the human reproduction corollary to the engineering
axiom which states: Anyone can have children and the wrong people
of this human reproduction corollary is all around us. Jose and
Kitty Menendez came to regret their ill-considered adventure in
parenthood. Sharon Tate's friends and family aren't exactly choked
up about the job mama and papa Manson did in raising their baby
boy, Charles. The celestial engineer's human design flaw has conclusively
proven the corollary by allowing genetically-challenged humans to
give birth to such exemplary individuals as Timothy McVeigh, Adolph
Hitler, Idi Amin, and Joseph Stalin.
that I've pinned a 'Danger, lighting bolt landing zone' sign on
my butt, I might as well give the celestial engineer some advice,
so he won't make this mistake again, should he decide to reinvent
the universe sometime in the future. Actually, it's not too late
to swallow that notorious celestial pride, put a lid on the celebrated
eternal temper - vividly demonstrated by the great flood, the nuking
of Sodom and Gomorrah, and countless other, tantrum-induced disasters
- and improve the human design scheme with a long overdue design
revision. Such a revision would necessarily include improvements
in the original design, improvements so obvious even a novice biological
engineer like me can identify them.
separate the procreational elements of human sexuality from the
recreational aspects. Procreation should force the parental aspirants
to think about it, to plan it, ahead of time. It should necessitate
more than two morons in heat who 'accidentally' play horizontal
bingo at the proverbial 'wrong time of the month'. Ideally, procreation
should involve a third party - some kind of third sex would be ideal,
a third sex whose sole sexual function is to be the essential catalyst
in successful human procreation. Such a third sex would necessarily
take its role very seriously, much too seriously to let a new ma
and pa Manson produce another Charlie.
up your mind about homosexuality. Shit or get off the pot, celestial
dude. Either fix the design to eliminate homosexuality entirely
- a fix that you failed to implement in animal species, many of
whom indulge in homosexual behavior - or change the Operators Manual,
The Bible, to reflect the fact that homosexuality is inherent in
the biological design of some individuals and is thus, since you
put it there, more or less okey dokey.
real about recreational human sexuality. You're the one who designed
humans with the ability to enjoy sex. You're the one who mis-wired
the human male into a walking hormone with a hair-trigger libido.
If you don't want humans to enjoy sex, fix it in the new design.
If you intended to make sex enjoyable, yank all that 'sex is sinful'
trash out of the revised manual. You can't have it both ways. A
good engineer strives for consistency within a design.
we're on the subject of the Operators Manual, I think this multiple
author idea needs to be scraped. Instead, feed the whole thing to
one dude, Book of Mormon style, to avoid all those glaring inconsistencies
between writers that made the original Operators Manual so annoying.
Another thing that majorly rots my socks is...Did anyone else just
hear the grandmother of all thunder claps? Maybe I'll quit while
I'm ahead and leave the countless flaws in the Operators Manual
for another article.