During oppression's golden age, Ivory Towers enjoyed an oppressor bumper crop, but those glorious times are long gone. Now, when they're needed more than ever, oppressors are a vanishing breed whose ranks are tragically, drastically, depleted. How can the Ivory Tower's new victim culture be sustained, without resident oppressors?

In oppression's golden age, all oppressors were prime specimens drawn from the swelling ranks of old Ka-Boomists who knew that 'the book' condemned homos to burn in hell, knew that old ka-boom himself demands bitches stay barefoot and pregnant, knew that 'the mark of Cain' refers to all non-white skin tones. Alas, they just don't make oppressors like that anymore, so Ivory Tower officials need to resort to desperate measures to replenish oppressor ranks. Ivory Tower eggheads call this cutting edge program, Affirmative Oppression.

I'm sad to report that new, relaxed, oppressor standards are in place. The following checklist demonstrates how bad things are. Under the - scandalously - lowered oppressor standards, you might earn the highly prized oppressor label if you:

• Felt guilty when you fell asleep during that sensitivity training seminar.

• Aren't sure what a 'sexual' is, but you're reasonably certain that you never harassed one.

• Find egghead terminology baffling. The only time you 'affirmed action' happened that night you judged the wet t-shirt contest. 'Diversity' is even worse. The way they pronounce it, eggheads could mean Dever City, that wide spot on a south Georgia road, but they might be lousy spellers so it could stand for the local scuba shop, Diver City. Either way, it doesn't rate all the fuss.

• Honored Caesar Chavez Day by purchasing table grapes - a food that gives you a rash - but didn't eat them.

• Spared the feelings of spelling-challenged feminists, by spending an entire night correcting 'Womyn's Studies' posters to read, 'Women's Studies'.

• Celebrated Black History Month by spanking the monkey, using grandpa's venerable National Geographic collection as visual aides.

• Are still scratching your head over the incident with the busty coed in the grocery store. Admiring the new label on a tin containing Del Monte peaches you said, "Nice cans" and she slaps you! What's her problem?

• Don't really understand anything he says, but like the way Jesse Jackson rhymes his words.

• Were very confused by that first gay pride day parade until your roommate pioneered some advanced gender studies by organizing the first Annual 'Chicks With Dicks' porno movie marathon in your dorm.

• Can't explain the uproar caused when you described your Uncle's job at the Agriculture Department. What do they think 'he's a beaner' means?

• Still don't know why you got evicted from that Anthropology class film about those teenage, Apache, ceremonial dance girls. All you asked was, "Does anybody else want to bag some of these redskins?" and they go postal. Who knew it was forbidden to eat peanuts in class? (Government schooled dolts: 'redskins' are a common peanut variety, named for their 'red' colored skin.)

If you know someone who fits these new criteria...If you fit these criteria, contact your local Affirmative Oppression Office, immediately. Step up to the plate and do the right thing during this national crisis because it's your patriotic duty to sustain properly-hyphenated victim identities. Your country is counting on you...Amerika's obnoxious, self-pitying whiners are counting on you, so go out there and oppress.

– T.D. Treat