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PORK
CHOPS
| FOR MEN ONLY: SEXIST PIG HUMOR
MAN'S
POEM
boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. GEOGRAPHY
OF A WOMAN
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there. GEOGRAPHY
OF A MAN
WOMAN:
A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
SYMBOL: Wo. DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 188lb but known to vary from 100 to 550 lb. OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered with painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes with reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum & Precious Stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no good reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other. BATTLE OF THE SEXES
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 7. He does not have his "head up his ass" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He has "MARRIAGE DEFICIT DISORDER." 10 . It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE." ANIMAL CRUELTY They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose." HANDLE
AT YOUR OWN RISK
On
an island, far far away...Yeah, okay, so there's three women stranded on an island. One of them finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. (No, that's not the punch line.) The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, and since there are three of you, you each get one wish." The first woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 10 times smarter than I am right now." And, she builds a ship and sails back home. So then the next woman says to the genie, "I would like to be 100 times smarter than I am right now." And again, she builds a plane and flies back home. The third woman says to herself, "Ha! This is EASY!" She turns to the genie and says, "I would like to be 1000 times smarter than I am right now!" And, the genie turns her into a man. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent...Wedding cake!!! If
your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to a movie? SEMPER
FI
Marine
Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other
day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed
him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback
lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio
(NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps
General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. Semper Fi, Marine! |
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©
Copyright 1993-2022 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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