A legend in his own mind, especially when the voices are yammering at him, our esteemed editor is the poster punk for "marches to the beat of a different drummer". All things considered, the PIG staff decided to play it safe by letting the editor and his voices post their own list of award winners. Nobody's fool, we took the usual editor at work precautions.

Leaving nothing to chance we locked him inside the heavily fortified editorial office and sacrificed a couple six packs while we breathlessly waited to see if he produced anything we could print in a family-friendly Internet publication. Eventually, the disturbing noises subsided, so armed with a Taser, an industrial strength cattle prod and our emergency executive editor suppression tool - an 11 X 14 extreme close up of Whoopi Goldberg's face - we turned him loose.

We're more than a little amazed that he actually turned out something PIG-worthy: The Hambo Awards. After we Tasered him into a calmer frame of mind, our editor explained that his Hambo Awards recognize certain "tragically neglected areas of human achievement". We're utterly stunned that printing his Hambo Awards won't put our publisher back into therapy. We're hoping you'll enjoy this PIG feature as much as we do.

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Award : The Golden Pike

Recognizes : Those faithful lackeys whose job it is to fall on the sword for their masters

Past Recipient : Carl Douglas, of O.J’s dream team

Nominee : "Scooter" Libby

Edward M. Kennedy Alcoholic Has Been Award

Award : Silver Swizzle Stick

Recognizes : Someone who has drunk/drugged themselves into obscurity

Past Recipient : Mister shadow of his former self, F. Lee Bailey, Robert Downey Jr.

Nominee : Kate Moss

Damian Williams, I Was Framed Award

Award : Bloody Brick

Recognizes : The Year’s Most Notable Victim of Society

Past Recipient : Everyone’s favorite double murderer, O.J. Simpson

Nominee(s) : Stanley "Tookie" Williams, Mikey Jackson

Leslie Abramson Abuse Excuse Award

Award : Platinum Shotgun

Recognizes : A so-called criminal forced into the illegal act by their victim

Past Recipient : Famous feminist heroine and cover wench, Lorena Bobbitt

Nominee(s) : Osama Bin Laden, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Mikey Jackson

Roy Bean Frontier Justice Award

Award : Crystal Blindfold

Recognizes : A Judge, shyster or Justice System official who takes the law where it was never intended to go

Past Recipient : The king of irrelevant, side issue testimony, Lance Ito

Nominee(s) : The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, U.S. Supreme Court

Charles Darwin Thwarting Deserved Extinction Award

Award : Diamond Dodo

Recognizes : A person or group which gives aid and comfort to the terminally incompetent

Past Recipient : Those who perpetrated the Americans with Disabilities Act, which made chronic lateness syndrom a recognized disability, The U.S. Congress

Nominee : The Trial Lawyers of America who perpetrate obesity lawsuits, tobacco lawsuits

Nathan Bedford Forest Diversity Award

Award : White Cowl

Recognizes : A person or group which has the greatest effect on race relations

Past Recipient : Mister tolerance himself, Khalid Abdul Mohammed

Nominee(s) : Malik Zulu Shabazz, Al Sharpton, Louis Farakahn

James T. Kirk Spirit of Star Trek Award

Award : Bronze Toupee

Recognizes : A person or group who boldly goes where no ‘man’(or woman) has gone before in their zeal to the expand the limit of human stupidity

Past Recipient : Catholic Church for their centuries long abuse of Galileo

Nominee : Kansas Board of Education

George B. McClellan Leadership Award

Award : Tin Saber

Recognizes : A person or group who has snatched defeat from the jaws of certain victory

Past Recipient : Colin Powell, for his pathetic performance at the end of Desert Storm

Nominee : Congressman John Murtha

Andy Warhol's Fleeting Fame Award

Award : The Ruby Soup Can

Recognizes : A person or group whose 15 minutes of fame is up, whether they know it or not

Past Recipient : Kato Kalen, Darva Conger

Nominee(s) : Paris Hilton, Cindy Sheehan

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