PIG'S WHACKED OUT WORLD OF SPORTS
Welcome to the PIGDOME and PIG's Whacked Out World Of Sports. It takes balls to play in the PIGdome. No astroturf, steroids or designated hitters here, either.
OK all you PIG Bleacher Bums, we're here to talk sports, competition, winning, losing and some properly-PIGish sports takes.
Why are we writing about sports here at the Free State Of PIG? Because Korrectniks far and wide found a way to toss their crappy stick in the mud on anything from dodgeball, kickball, marbles, hopscotch and team logos and mascots.
If Redskins, Fighting Irish and Atlanta Braves Tomahawk Chops ruffle your sensitivities, well then pick up your tiny balls and little stick and start walking, because YOUR'E OUTTA HERE!
PIG's Whacked Out World Of Sports Section will not only deal with the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat, but who got their clocks cleaned by whom, on more out of the way topics. For instance, how many of you watch NASCAR to see how many points Jeff Gordon will get per season as opposed to those who watch NASCAR in hopes of seeing some red cement?
If the concept of two teams or individuals doing battle with each other on the field of competition with the spirits of a gladiator, with the outcome being one winner, one loser bothers you, we'll be more than happy to drop kick you back to Sensitivity Memorial Stadium.
What is a "Sport?"
A sport can be considered a recreational pastime involving an individual, an individual against another individual or a team versus another team, in the conventional sense of the word. But when big game hunters chase down elephants and kill them just for the sake of bagging the poor beast and stuff and mount it's head on their wall, that's not a sport, not even if your'e going to eat the damn thing. Why? Because the elephant didn't have a chance.
A sport usually involves two or more willing participants ready to do battle with victory being the primary objective. Hell, tiddlewinks IS a sport that does not involve athletism as much as it involves coordination and concentration.
Is blasting sports-phobic korrectniks a sport? If you answered 'no' to that, consider yourself ejected from the PIGDOME. Forever.
Most of the PIG staff's pastimes are eating pizza and drinking tubs filled with beer. That's a pastime, but what happens when there's one slice of pizza left could be considered a bloodsport.
Winning. It's what it's all about in the arena of competition. Any area, but we're talking sports, PIGsters. From Gladiators and chariot races to today's Ultimate Fighting Competition and female mud wrestling, you gotta love the spirit of competition involved.
PIG'S CHEERLEADING SQUAD
Examples Of Winners:
Vince Lombardi inspired a winning attitude among his Green Bay Packer championships teams.
The late Al "Just Win Baby" Davis, owner of the Oakland/L.A./Oakland Raiders, scumbag that he is, did the same.
Leo Durocher, coined the term "Nice guys finish last."
Larry Bird, well, we know what he did for the real Beaners - (Bostonians) Sports fans.
Jesse Owens: Snatched Olympic Gold in front of Hitler.
Whoever bags those cheerleaders pictured.
Let's get our balls rolling and in high gear.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL
AND OTHER STUFF? | September 16, 2014
Football Footnotes by Argus Hamilton
The Baltimore Ravens fired Ray Rice after a tape surfaced Monday showing him knocking out his fiancee, then the NFL suspended him, then Nike and Madden Football dropped him. The next day was worse. ISIS announced they won't recruit Ray Rice, citing their team's core values.
Ray Rice's wife backed him after he was cut by the Ravens and suspended by the NFL. He has today's celebrity culture working for him. One day you're the most discussed man in the country and the next day you are starring in a new sit-com called Everybody Hates Raymond.
Basketball: Argus Hamilton
Atlanta Hawks owner Bruce Levenson produced a racist e-mail he once sent and said he'll sell the team. It figures. Every owner's been digging up their old e-mails and voice mails looking for any evidence they were ever racist ever since Donald Sterling got two billion for the Clippers.
Pro Hockey - Probably From A Boston Bruins Fan
MLB: Phillies Papelbon Gestures Crowd After Blown Save
*Entertainment & Sports Politically Correct Programming Network
ESPN Commentator Calls for "Reprogramming" Men
Progressives were able to impose their sick ideology on a previously healthy society by making a long march through the institutions so as to capture the cultural high ground. They infiltrated the influential pillars of the establishment and eventually took them over, driving out most everyone who would resist their agenda. It happened to the news media, to Hollywood, to education, to the federal bureaucracy. Given that so many focus their attention obsessively on sports, it is unsurprising that progressives have strategically taken over the sports media too.
Typically, NBC is the most over the top, featuring the obnoxious left-wing twerps Keith Olbermann and Bob Costas. But ESPN is catching up fast with mouthpieces like Kate Fagan. Here is how she exploited the story of Ray Rice punching his girlfriend to call for "reprogramming" men not to be so masculine:
"This is behavior that is happening at the grassroots level that is born through years of our culture like raising men to want to not be like women and using language like 'sissy' and 'you throw like a girl' that demean women. These are all contributing factors and I think if we want to hold the NFL's feet to the fire over this issue, we shouldn't be looking at the number of game suspensions because I don't really think that's going to change the problem. I think holding NFL's feet to the fire should mean getting them to throw the kitchen sink at domestic violence, to invest millions of dollars in grassroots organizations in going into middle schools and high schools and colleges, and talking to young men about dealing with anger, about how they treat women. I think that's where you're going to see change. I think that right now all of this reactive behavior is not going to change it, as much as going in and going into the school systems and the younger spaces and really reprogramming how we raise men."
Spoken like a true cultural Marxist social engineer. Note that in keeping with liberal ideology, no individual is ever responsible; it is always society's fault, so society must be changed to bring it into tighter compliance with liberalism.
What makes the moonbattery spewed on ESPN so insidious is that people do not turn on sports shows expecting to be brainwashed with political ideology, so they don't put up any mental defenses against it. The poison seeps right in, and becomes part of the culture's accepted wisdom — or rather, accepted foolishness.
Andrew McCarthy explains why the reflexive leftism of the sports media is important:
If conservatives want to know why we are losing the culture and the country, it is important to understand that while very few kids and young adults are watching Fox News (or news programs of any kind, for that matter), they inhale sports programming. It's ubiquitous — television, radio, the Internet. And thus equally unavoidable is sports commentary, more and more of which has less and less to do with sports. Tendentious "sports journalists," the majority of whom are decidedly left of center, are much less guarded about their hostility to conservatives than their fellow progressives on the political beat. It is a hostility that takes for granted the chummy agreement of its viewers and is designed to make Millennials want to be part of the fun. …
Conservatives complain incessantly, and not without cause, about Republican fecklessness in confronting the Obama Left's agenda, about the news media's becoming an adjunct of the White House press office. But Washington's political arena is just where the score is tallied. The game is being played, and lost, in the popular culture.
Sports commentators are like movie stars in that no one could possibly take their political views seriously — which is exactly why their political influence is difficult to counter.
The Well Prepared & Well Stocked Tailgater
NO CAPTION NECESSARY | August 25, 2014
DONALD STERLING GAY? | August 23, 2014
Donald Sterling and V. Stiviano Update
V. Stiviano, Donald Sterlings opportunistic, gold digging friend/assistant has alleged that she never had sex with Sterling. Instead, she contends in recently filed court paperwork that Sterling used her "as a beard" to create a front and cover for his gay fetishes and tendencies.
Shelly Sterling’s original lawsuit depicted Stiviano as a money-grubbing femme fatale who duped the former Clippers owner into giving her a Ferrari, $240,000 in cash and a $1.8 million house on the outskirts of Beverly Hills.
Money grubber or not, one has to wonder about Sterling or any other gay man, if Sterling is indeed gay, V. Stiviano has the physical attributes to not only make gay men switch teams, but hotness could probably waken any dead man based only on her looks.
One has to wonder if these allegations are true, or is she twisting the facts or just flat out fabricatng the whole thing due to her demanding $10 million slander lawsuit.
If Sterling really did not even try to sleep with V. Stiviano, maybe he really is on the gay side.
More to come, later.
GROW UP | August 12, 2014
The University of Minnesota wants the Washington Redskins to wear throwback jerseys without the team name or logo for the Nov. 2 game against the Minnesota Vikings being held at the college's stadium.
The college, which is leasing its TCF Bank Stadium to the Vikings as the team's new stadium gets built for a scheduled 2016 opening, has also asked that the game not have any Washington apparel or paraphernalia sold on the premise; that the word "Redskins" not be uttered by the game's public address announcer; and that the team's moniker not appear on the scoreboard or in the program guide or other game-related print or digital material.
Vikings officials appeared receptive to the university's appeal during ameeting in late July, according to Katrice Albert, the college's vice president in the office of equity and diversity.
"They said they'd make that request of the Washington team, but were not sure how it would be received," she said. "The two Vikings officials said they are part of the NFL and don't have the authority to force the hand to change the Washington name but understand it's offensive to some members of our community. The Vikings have a great working relationship with the tribal nations of Minnesota, and they're very understanding of how this team name and logo impacts our community."
The university's stadium features a Tribal Nations Plaza dedicated in honor of the 11 Native American tribes in Minnesota. It was built with a $10 million donation from the Shakopee Mdewakanton Sioux Community — the largest private gift ever to Gophers athletics.
On Thursday, the tribe released a statement saying that it and other Minnesota tribes oppose the Redskins' name "and other sports-related logos, mascots and names which degrade a race of people." The community is working with the university to prepare "appropriate responses" to the NFL game and "minimize the damage that could be done by invoking the name in a place that respects and honors the Minnesota Native American community."
A Vikings spokesman told The Post on Wednesday that the team was still trying to determine how it would handle the school's request. Last year, hundreds of Native Americans and their supporters gathered outside theMetrodome before the Vikings played the Redskins to denounce the name of Washington's team.
Redskins spokesman Tony Wyllie said Wednesday that the team disagrees with the school's effort to bar the Redskins' name at TCF Bank Stadium. "We have met many Native Americans from Minnesota who agree with our position and feel we are using the term correctly and honorably," Wyllie said.
University officials said the use of the Redskins name at their stadium violates the institution's affirmative action, diversity and equal opportunity policy. More than 1,100 students identify themselves as Native American throughout the University of Minnesota system.
Chuck Tombarge, a university spokesman, said the school has no recourse if the Vikings refuse to satisfy its requests. "Obviously, the Vikings are a good partner to Minnesota. We've outlined our suggestions and trust they will give them due diligence and will work on this as much as possible," he said.
The Vikings and school officials are slated to meet again this month, withmore meetings between then and game day.
The school is not the only entity pressuring the Vikings. Minnesota Rep. Betty McCollum (D) sent a letter in June to Vikings owner Zygi Wilf urging him to condemn the Redskins' team name and suggested he bears some responsibility to take a stand because NFL teams equally split the sales of every team's licensed merchandise.
McColllum's letter was carbon copied to the University of Minnesota's president, Eric W. Kaler. He replied to her last week.
Joel Barkin, the spokesman for the Oneida Indian Nation, which has worked with McCollum frequently in its campaign against the team's name, applauded the school's proactive stance and said the word should be banned at professional stadiums, too.
"Many of these professional stadiums receive large forms of publicsubsidies, so we plan on writing to each of the teams to follow the lead of Minnesota," Barkin said. "It's inappropriate for taxpayers to be subsidizing the endorsement of a racial slur."
A PIGISH FIELDS OF DREAMS | August 02, 2014
This is a hit piece, with apologies to the Hall Of Fame greats that played our National Pastime, but aimed at all the Monday Morning Quarterbacks, nerds and geeks that get involved with fantasy sports leagues. We here in the PIGDome know who you are. You are the type that never picked up a baseball bat but know all the lifetime stats of all the current and all-time greats for your fantasy baseball squad.
Well, wannabes, O’Sports Hack has his own PIGish Baseball League roster.
Owner: Bill Veek, mastermind of “Disco Demoltion” night at the old Comisky Field in Chicago.
Managers: Leo “Nice Guys Finish Last” Durocher, Earl “F-Bomb” Weaver and Casey Stengal.
Pitching Staff: Any southpaw Palestinian or South Korean protester that can throw a brick at riot police ala Sal Maglie with Major League chin music.
Catcher: Rock Hudson who took his share of balls across the chin
First Base: Who else but Whoopi Goldberg or a fire hydrant, same effect.. I know what your thinking, why her, or it. Her sheer and utter ugliness can stop a herd of pissed off bison or elephants in their tracks and prevent any baserunner from reaching first base.
Second Base: Who the hell else but Rosie “The Dumptruck” O’Donell. Why? Her girth alone could stop a Semi doing 60 rounding first. Remember, she’s in a league of her own.
Shortstop: Any Munchkin from The Wizard Of Oz. Remember, they’re short.
Third base: Gloria Allred due to the fact that she’s a man-hating creature who’s sole purpose in life is to stop men from scoring.
Left Field: Any limp wristed Libtard that doesn’t throw like a girl. Oops, I forgot, they all throw like girls. Actually, some girls can toss balls way better than Libtardiacs.
Center Field: This would be a platoon assignment between such sellouts as John McCain and John Kerry as all they know is art of flip-flopping and fucking over the American public.
Right Field: Rush “El Rushbo” Limbaugh, sharing duties with Barry Goldwater who with their astute insight and right arms could nail any wannabe Libfuck base stealer.
Color Commentators: No brainer time here. Je$$e “The Paycheck” Jackson and Al “Show Me A White Man With Money” $harpton.
Consession Comandant: Michael “No More Peanuts and Crackerjacks” Bloomberg who is sure to monitor and regulate your caloric and adult beverage intake.
Bat Boy: Justin “I’ve been so bad I need some splinters where the sun don’t shine” Beiber.
Ball Girls: Barney Frank on the third base line. He’s a pretty good ball handler, especially when he’s wearing his leather chaps. First base line would be Al Franken who given his past would not need to retrieve balls with a fielders glove to fetch stray foul balls, all he needs is his baby bottle and pampers to catch stray balls in foul territory.
Band to play theme song: AC/DC with “Balls to the Wall.”
Sorry baseball fans, but that's my freakshow for this week.
MORE WORLD CUP FUNNIES | July 14, 2014
Nigeria Offer World Cup Refund
After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of the fans that traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
White Flag Time
Germany scored goal after goal, humiliating five-time champion Brazil in the World Cup Tuesday before a stunned home crowd in Rio de Janeiro. The rout was historic. The Germans ran off five goals against Brazil so quickly in the first half that at halftime, France surrendered.
WORLD CUP THRILLS AND SPILLS | July 06, 2014
"Belgium eliminated the U.S. team in overtime Tuesday in the World Cup before millions of U.S. viewers. They played a hundred minutes before anyone even scored a goal. Millions more Americans would have watched it but the Paint Drying Network had a Semi-Gloss Marathon on."
— Argus Hamilton
WORLD CUP vs. STANLEY CUP | July 04, 2014
YOU HAVE TO DO MORE THAN SHOW UP | July 02, 2014
DUTCHMAN FOR A DAY | June 29, 2014
Today, June 29, 2014, is the day O'Sports Hack became a 'Dutchman For A Day' when the Netherlands defeated and eliminated the Mexican'ts 2-1 in World Cup play.
Dutch airline KLM wasted no time in Tweeting the following:
THE COLOR OF HYPOCRACY | June 20, 2014
STANLEY CUP | PASSINGS| WORLD CUP WENCHES | June 16, 2014
Item #1: L.A. Kings Win Stanley Cup, Again
Sports Page Props go to the L.A. Kings who won the 2014 Stanley Cup for the second time in three years. The road to Cup glory was hard fought, several series going to seven games and several games going into double overtime, including Friday nights OT nail biter which sealed the deal for the Kings.
PIG not only gives props to the L.A.Kings, but to the well mannered and orderly fans after the game. According to the L.A.P.D., only 3 arrests were made during the post game festivities. 2 for disorderly conduct and 1 for public intoxication. Compare that to the Larcenous Laker fans who, win or lose, show up after any championship game to get in some quality looting and rioting time.
There is one exception to the peaceful dispersement of the post game crowd and it's an odd, "Only In L.A." element to the post game public party. Some fans were seen throwing objects, including shoes, water bottles, clothing and even a skateboard at one of the aerial drones, which eventually crashed. At this point the L.A.P.D. doen't believe the drone was one of theirs.
Yep, only in L.A. would some Jeff Spicoli type dude hurl his beloved skateboard at a drone, and possibly knock it from the sky after a Stanley Cup victory.
Item #2: Bob Welch
Two-time World Series Champion and Cy Young Award winning pitcher Bob Welch recently passed at the young age of 57. Welch began his career as a rookie reliever with the Dodgers in 1978 and then promoted to starting pitcher status, eventually winning 27 games in 1990 while with the Oakland A's.
The remarkable thing about Welch and his accomplishments was that he was in a lifelong battle with the bottle, eventually co-writing a book on the subject titled "Five O'Clock Comes Early: A Cy Young Award-Winning Pitcher Recounts His Greatest Victory."
Welch, who grew up in Detroit recalled a saying: "By day, they made the cars. By night, they made the bars." Well, that said, Welch really did step up to the plate and admitted to being stone cold blackout drunk during games, and then publicly taking responsibility for his past drinking episodes and perhaps becoming a role model or mentor to others afflicted with the same condition.
Welch, unlike some high profile types that use going to rehab as a diversion to negative attention and a way to do some PR damage control, Welch went to rehab and embraced and shared his new way of life publicly and perhaps helped salvage a life or two in the process.
Life may have thrown Bob Welch a few too many curveballs and corkscrews, but in the end, he got the last one in the 'W' column.
Item #3: World Cup Wenches
If you're like many and think that the World Cup is nothing but a snooze fest, well snooze no more, especially if you happen to find yourself horny as hell and in one of Brazil's Cup Cities during this years World Cup.
Apparently prostitution and other adult oriented activites and enterprises are legal in the host nation, Brazil, and Red Light districts throughout Brazil are getting red hot in anticipation of the influx of international travelers.
From latinopost.com comes this:
Prostitution is a legal occupation in Brazil and so in preparation for the large English population, free English classes were offered in the cup city of Belo Horizonte. At least a thousand sex-workers showed up to the classes in order to perfect their English vernacular.
Minas Gerais State Association of Prostitutes president, Cida Vieira, told Huffington Post reporters: "English will be very important to communicate with clients during the Cup. They'll have to learn how to work out financial deals and also use a specialized vocabulary with sensual words and fetishes."
Vieira has specialized the course to mostly include erotic phrases as well as hand gestures that will prevent confusion on set acts and prices.
Well, for all of you globe-trotters trolling for trim, those Brazilian 'babes' are awaiting you and your wallet with open arms...and legs.
All that said, we are NOT pimping for prostitutes and soccer still sucks, pun way intended, FIFA loving horndogs.
Breaking News: Just as this posting was to go live, the following was found on Page One PIG, courtesy of Argus Hamilton:
"U.S. Army bases began housing children flooding across the border Friday. There are now fifty thousand Mexican, Guatamalan and Salvadoran children in U.S. custody. It may look like a human catastrophe now but when we win the World Cup in eight years it'll all seem worthwhile."
SUPERBOWL LOGO; MASCOTS (AGAIN);
SPORTS FANS GONE WILD| June 12, 2014
Item #1: Superbowl 50 Logo. What's In A Numeral?
The 50th Superbowl is on the horizon and the folks over at NFL's creative and branding department decided to ditch the Roman numeral 'L,' in favor of the Arabic '50.'
I know, I know, sportsfan purists, this earth shattering news is devastating, but the NFL contends that the 'L' looks too much like and hints of Loser. Personally, O'Sports Hack doesn't give a rats ass, but I do admit, the new logo is pretty sharp looking. That said, I had some questions.
1) If the NFL reverts back to Roman numerals, Superbowl 54 will read as LIV. LIV. Last time I checked, LIV is a womans name. Is the NFL going to be celebrating a woman by giving out freebies and LIV keepsakes to all women (and their husbands especially) during the game?
2) Let's skip on to Superbowl 59 which in Roman numerals would be LIX. Use your imagination, PIGsters. LIX sounds like 'Licks.' If a city like San Francisco hosts it that year, LIX would be a in proper, politically correct context, given the GLAAD-BAG demographics.
3) My most important question. If the use of Roman numeral 'L' hints of Losers, WTF were the geniuses in the NFL's creative and branding department smoking when Superbowl 30 - XXX - rolled around? The XXX symbol has been used in the adult entertainment industry to imply sexual content or activity, as if you PIGsters didn't already know that. Didn't they realize that the Superbowl is watched by many young, impressionable youths, easily lured into a life or career in the sex and flesh trade.
Item #2: Changing Mascots...Again
The Washington Redskins are under fire yet again by the usual suspects trying to coerse the Redskins to change their name.
The latest tactic was to televise a White Guilt - Ridden commercial during Game 3 of the NBA finals the other night. Below is the link to the ad.
>>> http://www.changethemascot.org/ >>>
Now, let's say the Redskins and other teams cave in and change their names and mascots. What to do? What do the teams call their new mascots? Will they extract revenge on Whitey for years of exploitation?
If that's the case, here are some Sports Dome suggestions:
Now imagine if this catches on. Will PETA follow up with demands that any team with animal mascots change their names too?
Item #3: Fans Gone Wild
Have you ever wondered what compels die hard sports fans to go to certain extremes in showing their loyalties and disappointments to their beloved teams?
I used to wonder myself, but then realized there is a certain breed of sports fan that lives and breathes for their teams.
Here are some samples of Die Hard fans:
Hawking The Seahawks
Is She On Her Knees In Prayer Or Preparation?
The Truth Sucks When Expressing Disappointment
Sports Fan Flipping Out
BRAIN DAMAGE | June 01, 2014
With all the crap going on nationwide and worldwide, Obama dropped all those petty issues to focus on head injuries in the NFL. That's right. he's created a "Concussion Summit" to research sports related head injuries.
He wants the sports culture to tell athletes to stop with the "Just suck it up" attitude.
While head injuries are serious, why the hell is Obama taking time to talk to Michael Strahan and Kelly Ripa about something the NFL ought to and will be addressing on their own.
Our Head Case/Head Coach In Charge ought to let the NFL do their job, and Obama stick to his "job" as if he knew what his job was in the first place.
FAIR WEATHER FRIENDS? | May 05, 2014
O'Sports Hack has one simple question for the two ladies and it goes as such:
"What are you doing after the game?"
MMA + XTREME MINISTRIES =
TOO COOL FOR SUNDAY SCHOOL| April 12, 2014
He (Jesus) said to them, “But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.
— Luke 22:36
“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
— Matthew 10:34
There is a growing MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) circuit within youth oriented evangelical church ministries geared toward young men.
The goal is to combine the teachings of Christ along with teaching young men how to open up their inner can of whoop ass, in a Christian manner, of course.
One such church to promote MMA/UFC is Xtreme Ministries, led by Pastor John Renken who holds black belts in several fighting arts ranging from Judo to Stick-Fu.
Pastor Renken and other pastors like him have probably stumbled upon a great way to fill up some empty church seats by appealing to a young mans primal bloodthirst and bent towards hitting things and making other people submit to their superior fighting skills.
An added bonus to combining MMA/UFC with The Gospel is that it allows a young man to vent his inner aggressions on more than just a heavy bag. He gets to be forgiven for kicking the holy shit out of another person. All with Gods blessings, of course.
One has to wonder if these guys take on various fighting personas when in the ring, like the WWF 'wrestlers' do.
Judas, The Junkyard Dog
High Kicking Hosea
The Marauding Moses
Soloman The Splitter
Nehemiah The Nutcracker
Jobe The Jawbreaker
Get the picture?
Now about pre-fight prayers and inspirationals. Perhaps they go as follows:
Dear Heavenly Father. I thank you for the beating I am about to receive at the hands of my merciless, worthless and Godless opponent.
But Father, I do ask you give me that one little extra bit of strength to go the extra mile so I can claim victory in Your Name by kicking him in the nuts, gouging out his eyes, and having him tap out in submission as my personal bitch.
I thank you and ask your forgiveness in advance as I mop the floor with that Hell-bound heretic.
As far as broadcasting and pay-per-view rights to events go, I wonder who will lay claim. TheMMA/UFC or the Holy Roller televangelist outlets.
Did you hear the latest about Lance Armstrong?
He was banned from cycling because 3 substances banned in France were found in his hotel room.
Deodorant, mouthwash and shampoo.
WTF IS GOING ON IN THE WIDE, WIDE
WORLD OF SPORTS | March 05, 2014
Item #1: Major League Baseball's Proposed 'No Home Plate Collision' Rule:
Major League Baseball showed the true colors of their lacy panties by proposing some powder puff rule regarding home plate collisions between catchers and runners rounding third base and looking to score at home plate.
Maybe I'm nuts but I always thought the objective of the runner was to eventually cross the plate, no matter the cost and whoever might be in his way, catcher included. I also thought the job of the catcher was to protect the plate, no matter what.
Also, the catcher is fully protected with his chest pad and shin guards, plus the catcher has a face mask.
The proposed rule was to protect the catcher from an opposing runner barreling down the third base line hoping to score for the team in order to protect the catcher.
Under the new proposed rule, would the runner have to slow down, exercise some etiquitte and Emily Post, properly introduce himself to the cather, ask him out for f**king dinner and request that the catcher yield to the runner and allow runner to score, red carpet included?
For you old school baseball fans, here's an infamous clip of Pete Rose at the 1970 All-Star Game scoring a run against Ray Fosse, demonstrating the way baseball should be played.
>>> Home Plate Collision >>>
Item #2: NFL Referee's To Be On-Field Language Police:
Looks like the language police are dropping the hammer on on-field, so-called offensive language including the use of the 'N-Word' and 'F-Bombs'.
Players and teams may be subjuect to anything from 15 yard penalties to fines and possible suspensions for saying a 'word' that some deem offensive.
Many of the NFL players disagree, stating that it's part of the locker room atmosphere and on field celebrations to express themselves in such a manner and that it's no one's business what they say and who they say it to, including referee's, Bob "Commie" Costas and the NFL commisioner.
I never knew that football games are now maybe conducted as tea and crumpets parties. I always thought that in football, the job of the offense was to gain real estate and cross the goal line and the job of the defense was to throw any ball carrier to the ground and prevent yardage gains.
Oh, well. I suppose the NFL is getting kinder and gentler, but conversely, harsher on what and how playahs express themselves.
THE HOCKEY WORLD vs MAXINE'S WORLD | February 22, 2014
Sports Snipes | February 04, 2014
Item #1: Superblowout. PIG Props go to the Seattle Seahawks for winning their first Super Bowl title in team history. Not to discount Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos, but Seattle out and out dominated the game in every aspect of the game and kicked some serious ass.
The Seahawks offense, defense and special teams surgically and strategically bulldozed the mighty Broncos into a state of confusion and submission. And ultimately a most embarrassing and humiliating loss.
This game just proves that a good defense will beat a good offense. I think in this case the Seahawks rubbed the Broncos nose in ‘it.’ Big time.
Can’t let you go without this contribution from PIGster GM:
How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a flat tire?
Unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up.
Item #2: Jesse Vetter. Olympic Team U.S.A. Women's Hockey Team goalie, Jesse Vetter has been told by the International Olympic Commitee to remove a logo from her goalies helmet.
The logo and slogan are, gasp! the preamble to the U.S. Constitution which simply states, "We The People." How shocking!
The IOC claims it is propaganda which promotes the United States. So the f**k what? Other countries proudly wave their flags and colors, so what's the harm in her wearing a custom hemet that embodies the American spirit?
Oops! O'sports Hack forgot. That type of display of patriotism may cause some hurt feelings and emotional boo-boo's onan intyernational scale.
The wearing of the helmet in question should have no bearing on the outcomes of any of the U.S. Womens Hockey teams games during the tournament.
O'Sports Hack does have an alternate design for the IOC pussies. I hope, but doubt that it will meet their insignia criteria.
A-WAD | January 15, 2014
It seems as if Alex Rodriguez is not taking his 162 game suspension lightly due to getting caught for his use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. A-Wad intends to sue the league and the MLB players union for...whatever.
Classic example of playing the lawsuit card. When guilty and in doubt, point fingers and blame others.
Rodriguez Pete Rose'd himself, his teamates, what's left of his reputation and baseball by cheating, changing the outcome of many big games and pretty much singlehandedly erased his name from any Hall of Fame ballots by his lowball lying and cheating.
O'Sports Hack is of the opinion that A-Wad did not disgrace our national pastime, but shed light on an important issue, that of cheating in a covert way, but got caught and may serve as a lesson to other players.
Whatever happens to A-Wad is of no consequence to the Sports Dome, but coincidentally, MLB commisioner Bud Selig has announced his retirement.
What timing, huh?
WHAT'S IN A NAME? | December 08, 2013
I agree with our Native American population – I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.
One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay, nay.
We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men's lives.
Besides, the South shall rise again!
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals – gone!
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children – and it is all about the children.
The Green Bay Packers and the St. Louis Rams – promote gay men. Wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity – a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers – well, that goes without saying – wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. A high priority directly behind efficiently managing our country's health care.
NFL BANS SUPERBOWL AD | DECEMBER 06, 2013
The NFL, National Faggot League banned the following Superbowl ad.
>>> Superbowl Ad >>>
BAND OF BROTHERS | NOVEMBER 27, 2013
Big time props go to the Bridgewater, Mass. Pee Wee football team, the Bridgewater Badgers for taking 6 year old Danny Keefe under their wing.
Danny Keefe suffered a brain hemorrhage shortly after his birth and has had some developmental problems since then. Danny seems to have adjusted, and even attends his kindergarten class wearing a jacket and tie. Several bullies starting picking on Danny and when the football team got wind of this they took matters into their own hands.
11 year old Quarterback Tommy Cooney decided to start a “Danny Appreciation Day” by having the entire team dress in a suit and tie in support of Danny.
Here’s what Clooney had to say:
"We heard that Danny was getting picked on, so we thought that we would all have a day to dress up like Danny," Cooney told WCVB News while choking back tears. "We thought we would all come to school like Danny and sponsor Danny to show Danny that we love him - that we love him very much."
O’Sports Hack thinks that was a very honorable gesture and hope it sends a message to cowardly, punk-ass bullies. In this case, the bullies picked on the wrong person.
I bet those bullies scattered like cockroaches when the lights go on and I hope those wimps got the message.
It seems as if Danny is in good hands and if you're a bully and think you can pick on Danny, you have to go through the Bridgewater Badgers, aka, The Band of Brothers.
Here's a link:
>>> Danny Appreciation Day >>>
NICE TRY, MANNING | NOVEMBER 24, 2013
BOSTON PROPS | OCTOBER 31, 2013
O'Sports Hack would like to extend congratulations and PIG props to the 2013 Boston Strong Red Sox who can now proudly call themselves world champions.
The Red Sox took the World Series in six games over the great St. Louis Cardinals in Boston's Fenway Park for the first time since 1918 and the Red Sox faithful were partying pretty damn hard. Probably still are and calling in sick to work.
In post game interviews the players said they wanted to go all they way for the good folks and victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. And they did.
After the game, O'Sports Hack had to go collect on a whopping $1.00 wager and walked into the lounge with his Boston Red Sox shirt and was treated like a rock star with high fives, hugs and bro punches, collected his $1.00. Too damn cool.
Now, there are certain members of the PIG staff that refer to the Boston Red Sox as the Red Sucks and were trying to shake the loyalty of O'Sports Hack's fondness for his beloved Boston Red Sox. That's never going to work, certain PIG staffers.
O'Sports Hack is not going to even attempt to convert the PIG staffers to the right and bright side of being a World Champion BoSoxer fan, but he will say this to PIG staffers of little faith:
Neener, neener, neener!
WHAT'S IN A NAME? | OCTOBER 12, 2013
A BUCKEYE NATION OF BEAUTIES | OCTOBER 02, 2013
Being a casual college football fan, I always liked The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame, until now.
The following is a display of some die hard OSU Buckeye Babes who just made me their newest convert.
Now, before you admire their team spirit, O'Sports Hack has his penalty flag on hand to wipe the drool off of your chins after viewing this blatant display of product placement.
FOR HAMBO | OCTOBER 01, 2013
POT SHOTS | SEPTEMBER 27, 2013
Item #1: Americans Take Home The America's Cup
Somewhere, where someone cares, there's going to be a victory celebration for the crew that won the America's Cup.
WTF is the America's Cup? I really don't know but it has to do with rich guys racing another rich guys boat in an international competion. Whoever wins, gets The America's Cup.
Big whoop. O'Sports Hack says make that snoozefest interesting with a Viking theme, complete with those cool horned helmets, long beards and spears where contestants ride side by side and pummel each other. The victors get to sail into the losers home port and have a pillage fest and have their ways with the local womenfolk.
Hey rich guys with too much time on your hands: Take that cup and shove it. You're not athletes and if you don't believe me, ask Chistopher Colombus. Better yet, ask The Skipper, Professor, Ginger, Mary Ann or even Gilligan.
Item #2: Showdown At Home Plate
It seems as if Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann needs to grab his blanky and have his mommy tuck him in with a bedtime story, complete with warm milk and some cookies.
During a recent game with the Milwaukee Brewers, batter Carlos Gomez (of the Brewers) launched a home run over the left center field wall. As Gomez was admiring his shot, he seemed to have taken too much time rounding the bases, according to the Braves players.
Words and gestures were exchanged as Gomez touched the bags and waiting for him at home plate was none other than baseball's biggest, newest weenie, catcher Brian McCann who blocked the plate, preventing Gomez from completing his home run trot and instigated a bench clearing incident.
Here's a clip, below:
>>> Spoiled Sport >>>
GRAND SALAMI | SEPTEMBER 23, 2013
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings to baseball fans, but there's
sad news to report in the Sportsdome.
New York Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriquez broke Lou Gehrig's grand slam record by hitting the 24th of his career over the weekend.
What makes this crappy news is that Rodriquez is a high-priced reknowned cheater and Lou Gehrig was not.
Gehrig hit 23 grand slams in less games played, at a younger age and without taking anything stronger than a glass of warm milk before his tragic and untimely death.
Gehrig was also known as baseball's "Iron Horse" for playing in most consecutive games played before that record was broken decades later by another class act, Cal Ripken, Jr.
Rodriquez on the other hand has been under a microscope several times for violating Major League Baseball's banned substance rules. Now he gets his name in the record books above Lou Gehrigs name? There isn't an asterisk big enough to put next to A-Roids name or up his ass.
Gehrig was the epitome of hard work and clean living, dedicated to his team and craft. Rodriguez is all about himself and the Benjamins.
Sad day indeed, when a record set by a giant legacy in the sport of baseball, Lou Gehrig, is surpassed by a cheater, A-Roid.
JESUS ROUNDS THIRD AND SCORES! | SEPTEMBER 23, 2013
HO-HUM | SEPTEMBER 12, 2013
THE CEREMONIAL THE FIRST BITCH | SEPTEMBER 09, 2013
Barack and Michelle Obama are at the O's game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.
Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no" violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"
So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the wall into the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong?
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH
BEATING THE HEAT | SEPTEMBER 01, 2013
With late summer temperatures hitting triple digits across the country, we thought it would be better to soak up some suds instead of heat rays with a friendly game of Beer Chess.
What are the rules? Don't know, don't care, but I imagine emptying those beer filled glasses has a lot to do with the outcome of the match.
OBAMA DISSED BY MEMBERS OF
1972 MIAMI DOLPHINS | AUGUST 26, 2013
40 plus years after going 17-0, the only perfect season in NFL history, the 1972 Champion Miami Dolphins will finally get recognized by the White House for their feat, playing the perfect season.
In 1973, Nixon was President and in the process of doing some serious damage control over the Watergate scandal, and was otherwise preoccupied at that time. Hence, no White House visit for the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
This past Tuesday, 40 years too late, the White House invited the 1972 Dolphins to visit and meet Obama. Most of the team attended, but there were three outspoken members that did not, and here they are with their reasons for not being in attendance.
1) Offensive lineman Bob Kuechenberg who said it would be hypocritical of him to attend: "I don't want to do that. I just don't believe in this administration at all. So I don't belong. Anyone on the left or the right has to respect one man's opinion."
2) Defensive lineman Manny Fernandez: "I'll just say my views are diametrically opposed to the president's. Enough said. Let's leave it at that. I hope everyone enjoys the trip who goes."
3) Center Jim Langer: "We've got some real moral compass issues in Washington," Langer said. "I don't want to be in a room with those people and pretend I'm having a good time. I can't do that. If that [angers] people, so be it."
Well, well. There are some athletes that actually have the Nads to dis the HNOC by their absence, but also articulating the reasons for their no-show.
Talk about an in-your-face end zone dance at the expense of a Holier than thou . How perfect is that, that Obama was taken down a few notches by a few football players?
On an unrelated, but funny side note, the World Champion Boston Red Sox were invited by then President Bush to the White House. Notably not in attendance was Manny Ramirez.
Bush joked: "I'm sorry David Ortiz's running mate, Manny Ramirez, isn't here. I guess his grandmother died again. Just kidding. Tell Manny I didn't mean it."
Final score for Presidential White House visits: One President can give and take a joke. The other IS a joke.
ICE COP-ADES | AUGUST 23, 2013
L. A. KISS ARENA FOOTBALL | AUGUST 16, 2013
Arena Football is returning to the Southern California area next year. Big deal and yawn, right?
Wrong. The new partners/owners of the team are Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of mega-rock group, KISS. The team will be aptly called The L.A. KISS and call the Honda Center in Anaheim their home arena.
Believe it or not, rock superstars can be family men too, and realize the high price of admission for many sports venues that many families can't afford.
The L.A. KISS have announced that season tickets will go for a very family friendly price starting at $99 and the sooner one signs up, they get their choice of seats and will be invited to a free KISS show.
How much more of an incentive is that to get signed up and take the family out for what O'Sports Hack thinks won't be your Daddy's type of football game.
The whole concept is marketing genius and ought to attract a lot of football/rock fans all at once
I do have some questions, though and my own humble suggestions.
Who or what will the halftime show be? Pyrotechnics and eardrum shattering hard rock.
Team Motto? "Don't Bite Me, KISS Me?" or, "KISS This!"
Team logo and uniform: Probably something in black, but on the back of the Jersey the word KISS can be printed with an arrow underneath the players number pointing directly to the players' rear ends.
Cheerleaders outfits? How about studded collars, form fitting black leather short shorts and 5" stilettos.
I know none of my suggestions are not exactly family friendly, but consider that the new owners are master showmen and know how to attract, own and captivate their intended audience.
All I can say is it's about f**king time pro football has returned to Southern California, and considering the new owners, the games ought to be highly entertaining.
For ticket information, click the link below.
>>> LA KISS >>>
POOL BALL | AUGUST 14, 2013
I saw the following clip on the news today. The clip features a bunch of suburban kids practicing their trick shots in a back yard pool complete with a mini trampoline, diving board, tool shed a swing set and a set of mad, mad skills.
Their collective moves, precision, athleticism and coordination look like a combination of water polo, circus-like acrobatics and basketball. Their execution of bounce, behind the back and no look passes are like no other. Not being a huge fan of the Olympics, I could overlook that just to watch these guys kick international ass.
Move over Harlem Globetrotters, these kids are for real.
>>> Trick Shots >>>
UH OH, HE SAID THE "P" WORD! | AUGUST 10, 2013
HOT DIGITTY NOT DOG | AUGUST 03, 2013
A AA baseball team in Richmond, Virginia, the Flying Squirrels had a $1, drop your hot dogs and buy a weiner night promotion
The purpose of the promotion was to encourage fans to get their weiners and to photo and text them in the spirit of poking fun at Anthony Weiner.
My only question is this. Do those weiners come with a filthy bag of salty, roasted nuts, too?
Just O'Sports Hack Being O'Sports Hack wondering, who came up with this promotion.
COOL RUNNINGS | AUGUTS 01, 2013
Every year in the streets of Pamplona, Spain, there is an idiotic tradition called The Running of the Bulls. This involves a bunch of pissed off bulls being unleashed to a moronic crowd that is willing to get chased down and gorged and sometimes fatally injured by the bulls.
The bad news for the bulls is that after the running, the bulls are rounded up, hung upside down and slaughtered.
That's a Lose-Lose proposition for the bulls, even though some of the bulls got their last pound of flesh from the dolts that tempt fate by playing with bulls that are not in the mood to play.
Well, here's a PIGish Win-Win situation for our four legged porcine brethren.
We propose a Running of the Pigs in...ta da, Mecca.
Can you imagine if a crate fulls of pigs, boars, hogs, ham sandwiches, hot dogs and smoked hams were parachuted onto the streets of Mecca?
I would be willing to bet my last pork chop that this would be a Win-Win situation for the pigs and wish ESPN would cover that event.
We would have to hold on to our Oscar Meyer Weiners as we hold our guts out of sheer laughter looking at the look of utter terror on little and big Achmed's face running down the streets of Mecca and do their best Ned Beatty Squeeeeeal impression out of fear of pigs running down their streets.
O'Sports Hack proposes the Running of the Pigs become a recognized Olympic sport. Sounds like tons of PIGish fun to me.
Final score: Pigs win, Mecca Maniacs lose while freaking out.
Well. I gotta go and eat my bacon, sausage and green eggs and ham like the PIG I am.
BASEBALL SCOUTING | JULY 30, 2013
Years ago, former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda said he wanted to become America's international baseball ambassador by scouting players globally.
He did. He had scouts go to the Domincan Republic, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Korea and Japan and found quality, Major League caliber talent.
Well, scouts are neglecting a ripe field of talent in the Middle East.
Note the rock, brick and molatov cocktail hurlers and protesters in Egypt, Syria and Palestine on your nightly news.
If you look close and are a baseball scout, look for a southpaw brick or rock tossing protester that has enough piss and vinegar in his blood and offer him a tryout, perhaps a contract.
Here's the windup, here comes the pitch and I'm outta here.
WHAMMO! IT'S DOG FRISBEE TIME | JULY 27, 2013
Have you ever noticed how athletic and graceful a dog can be when you toss a frisbee their way?
They go airborn in their quest to catch that damn disk, all the while wagging their tail waiting for their masters approval and another toss and catch session.
I don't know if that qualifies as a sport, but it sure is fun as all hell for both man and man's best friend.
Witness, below and forget all of those fancy pants dog shows on ESPN, these dogs are the real deal.
Here's a clip:
>>> Freestylin' Doggie Style >>>
SIR CHARLES GOES SLAM DUNK | JULY 21, 2013
Charles Barkley sounded off in a very intelligent, articulate manner in an interview about race relations and the media regarding the Zimmerman verdict.
Check out the link below that makes too much sense.
>>> Slam Dunkin' >>>
SIBERIAN AMERICAN HISSY FIT | JULY 13, 2013
(Moonbattery) The deeper you dig yourself into political correctness, the harder it is to do or refrain from doing anything without offending someone while looking like an obsequious idiot — as demonstrated by the folks running the New York Mets:
The Mets tried to honor Native Americans and instead ended up offendingthem. The Mets tried to save face by downplaying an event, and instead look worse when the details of the situation comes to light.
There was supposed to be a Native American Heritage Day at Citi Field.
The Mets had contacted the American Indian Community House about participating in the event, which was to include traditional dancing and singing outside the stadium. The group was enthusiastic about the event, scheduled by July 25.
But the Mets backed away from most of that day's celebration, which also included t-shirts and PSA announcements on the video board, over concerns it might offend their opponent – the Braves.
So the singing and dancing will not be allowed, and the PSAs will not be played, and the Indians were offended — so as not to offend the Mets' opponents, whose fans are best known for the tomahawk chop.
Hopefully the Mets won't be scoring any runs. That also might offend the Braves.
The lesson: White man who set out not to offend make heap big fool of himself.
MIXED MARTIAL ARTS | JULY 10, 2013
The other day, O'Sports Hack saw a sports report about an MMA match between a white fighter and a black fighter. While the fighters were being introduced into the ring, black guy had to show off with a cowboy hat and other assorted bling, including a big mouth.
Black Guy was doing a lot of trash talking to White Guy, declaring how he was going to wipe the floor with Whitey, all the while showboating and doing what would appear to be an end zone dance and prance.
White Guy stood there silently as Black Guy strutted around like ruler of the roost saying how he was going to kick Whitey's ass.
You could see White Guy's jaw clench and tighten and get a throbbing Clint Eastwood style vein in his forehead as a result of Black Guy's remarks and when the bell rang, White Guy handily disposed of Black Guy in the form of a one punch KO. Tee-Hee.
Memo to Black Guy: Who's doing cartwheels now in the ring after getting your clock got cleaned by a ...gasp...White Guy?
Another Memo To Black Guy: Due to your lack of fighting skills, the Sportsdome has hereby dubbed you C.B. C.B. stand for canvas back, due to the fact that White Guy mopped up the ring with your sorry ass.
O'Sports Hack has one question. Where the hell was Je$$e Jack$on? After all, in Je$$e's pathetic world, when a white beats a black, isn't there grounds for a Je$$e $tyle law$suit? Better yet, where are the Hate Crime Hacks?
BASEBALL CODE BREAKERS | JULY 03, 2013
*O'Sports Hack Note: The following is not for those with short attention spans, but rather geared toward those that have a true understanding of some of professional baseball's unwritten but widely practiced tactics.
Simple gestures mean so much in baseball
Taps, touches, tugs and tips... they carry complex messages among pitchers, batters, coaches and managers. The wordless codes can be raised to an art level, and are protected as if they are state secrets.
Written by Kevin Baxter:
It's the fourth inning of a tight game at Angel Stadium and Chicago White Sox pitcher Jake Peavy is in a jam. The Angels are threatening to score with runners on first and third bases and one out.
As the right-hander backs off the mound to compose himself, Angels hitter Alberto Callaspo steps out of the batter's box to adjust his helmet and batting gloves.
What looks like a break in the action is anything but. It's part of a wordless game within the game.
In the Angels' dugout, Manager Mike Scioscia taps his nose, the bill of his cap, then his chin in rapid succession. That says it all.
Third base coach Dino Ebel, who has been watching closely, decodes the movements and then starts his own conversation - again without a word. Touching parts of his body in three sequences, he relays directions from Scioscia to Callaspo, and then to each baserunner.
In the Chicago dugout, the White Sox are stealthily putting their own plot into action. Trying to stay a step ahead of what the Angels are doing, a coach shifts the defense by motioning with his hands. By the time the pitcher and catcher settle on a pitch, again communicated with signs, every player on the field will have been told where to go and what to do - all without a single instruction uttered aloud.
Baseball has its own sign language, and complex messages are exchanged in a matter of seconds.
"There's a lot that goes on in the course of a game," says Angels bench coach Rob Picciolo, who advises Scioscia in the dugout. "It sounds complicated, but once you do it every day, you get used to it."
Signs came to baseball from the battlefields of the Civil War, where field generals sought to conceal their plans, according to historian Paul Dickson, author of "The Hidden Language of Baseball."
In one system known as "wig-wag," flags and torches were used to warn Confederate soldiers about the movement of Union troops. Two years later, at West Point, cadets tipped each other to secret inspections by tapping on pipes, and cheated on tests by wiping their lips or winking.
During a typical nine-inning baseball game, there are hundreds of sign sequences, each part of a distinct strategy - telling the runner to steal, the batter not to swing at a pitch, or directing the fielders how to defend against a bunt.
Keeping everyone on the same page is imperative. The infielders need to know where the catcher's throw is going to go if there is a runner at third and a runner at first tries to steal second base; a baserunner looking to steal needs to know whether the batter has been ordered to bunt.
It's all done knowing the opposing team has players and coaches who are trying to crack your code.
A hitter has an advantage if he knows what pitch is coming (curveball, fastball, change-up) and where it's being aimed (high, low, on the inside corners of the strike zone or the outside). Former New York Yankees great Yogi Berra used to try to read the shadows cast by a catcher's fingers. A few teams notoriously used binoculars, telescopes or video cameras from peek holes in the outfield wall.
Years ago, the Detroit Tigers used a spotter tucked away in the scoreboard to read the catcher's signs, which were relayed to the hitter by moving the eyes of a large Indian head mounted on an advertisement.
That's one reason why pitchers and catchers change up their signs. Without a runner on base, their language might be as simple as the catcher flashing one finger for a fastball and two for a curve. But with a runner on second base looking in from the same angle as the pitcher, the signs could be stolen. So they become more complex, possibly involving numbers on the scoreboard or parts of the catcher's equipment.
That tap to the shin guards or touch to the protective headgear? It might actually mean something.
"Basically they're anything you can think of," Angels reliever Kevin Jepsen says. "You could come up with one right now and that could be somebody's sign."
To make things even more complicated - and harder for the enemy to decipher - there is a set of signals unique to each pitcher. With the Angels using 21 pitchers already this season, catcher Hank Conger has to learn 21 dialects, and also know the signs from his manager.
"Over the years I may have missed a couple," Conger says, "but I really take pride in trying not to miss a sign."
With Angels batter Callaspo ready to hit and Peavy set to pitch, both managers have set their strategies.
Two runners are on with one out, so Scioscia wants to avoid an inning-ending double play. Howie Kendrick is a fast runner at first base, so a hit-and-run-play is in order. That means Kendrick will take off as the pitch is thrown and the batter will be swinging no matter where the pitch is, trying to hit the ball on the ground.
White Sox Manager Robin Ventura has ordered Peavy to throw to first base between pitches, keeping Kendrick close and making it harder for the Angels to put on the play.
The strategy of both sides may now be exposed. The Angels know the White Sox expect Kendrick to run because they threw over to first. And, if Kendrick flinched toward second at all before scrambling back to first, he may have tipped his hand that he was, indeed, under instructions to run as the pitcher began his windup.
So Callaspo backs out yet again and peers at Ebel, the third base coach, who looks into the dugout for a new set of orders, then begins his pantomime. With his right hand, he touches his side and then his thigh; with his left hand, he reaches across his body to touch his right forearm.
Third base coaches are the most visible signers on the field, and they walk a fine line. The signs need to be simple enough for their players to read yet complex enough that the opposition can't crack the code. For example, a coach touching his hand, elbow and shoulder on the left arm might be ordering a bunt, hit and run or steal. But if he makes the same signs on the right arm, that would mean nothing.
Or those signs mean nothing unless an indicator such as a touch to the hat or chin comes first. Similarly, whether a play is on or off can be determined by whether the coach is standing inside or outside the 20-foot-long coach's box.
Players say Jose Oquendo of the St. Louis Cardinals and current Houston Astros Manager Bo Porter are among the best at signing, so fluid that their motions look like interpretive dance moves. Many coaches, including the Dodgers' Tim Wallach, practice their routines in front of a mirror.
"I want to see what it looks like," Wallach says.
Rhythm can be just as important as repetition, especially in pressure-packed moments when a coach can be caught in the emotion and begin signing too quickly.
"I slow it down," says Ebel, who is in his eighth season with the Angels. "As a third base coach, you recognize it and try to develop that to give it back to the player. Going through it kind of fast speeds up the game."
Each player has his own set of signs for a couple of reasons. If a player is traded, he won't be able to understand the signs of his former teammates. Also, coaches don't want their own players unwittingly tipping the opposing team by reacting on the bench - standing up to see better, motioning to a teammate to pay close attention - when a surprise such as a squeeze bunt or double steal is in the works.
Just as the players take daily batting and fielding practice, they are also quizzed on signs by their coaches.
"If a player misses the sign, it's just like anything else - you haven't spent enough time with that player," Ebel says. "If a guy has to take 100 ground balls a day to get the fielding mechanic down, everybody does that. Why can't you spend 10, 15 minutes every day for that player to understand the system and the signs? It's important."
Some players just never quite seem to catch on, though.
Former ballplayer Steve Lyons, now a member of the Dodgers' broadcast team, said that when he played in Boston, third base coach Rene Lachemann got so fed up with the Red Sox's missing signs that he made a dramatic change: Lachemann would go through an entire series of signals - "He called them dummy signs because our guys were too stupid," Lyons recalls - then clap once for a bunt, twice for a hit-and-run and three times for a steal.
"Hey, those are our signs," jokes Dodgers Manager Don Mattingly, having overheard Lyons' story. "Now we're going to have to change them."
Back in Anaheim, the game of cat and mouse continues. Ebel signals to Callaspo and Kendrick that the hit and run is off, and the batter lets Peavy's 3-1 pitch go, drawing a walk. The next batter, Chris Iannetta, walks as well, forcing in the winning run in an Angels victory.
Few Angels in uniform have played a bigger part in the win than Ebel, who dresses quickly and leaves without fanfare.
"Being a third base coach, it's like being a player," says Angels bench coach Picciolo, who was a third base coach for three seasons with the San Diego Padres. "You have good games, you have bad games. You feel like you have a lot to do with the account of the game."
OLYMPIC-STYLE PERFORMANCE ENHANCEMENT | MAY 17, 2013
With a sports week filled some real downers - the passings of NFL running back Chuck Muncie and race car champion Dick Trickle, plus the story that makes O'Sports Hack drool, Kobe suing his own mother* - we thought we would treat you to some sage advise from Olympic swimming champion and mega gold medal winner, Michael Phelps.
*O'Sports Hack will provide all Sports Domers with his takes on the ugly mess called Kobe Bryant v. Kobe's Mom as those tasty turds of information trickle in.
BEING GAY AND PLAYING IN THE NBA | MAY 08, 2013
So, Jason Collins has come out of the closet to admit he is an openly gay professional athlete. Big whoop! These days, his announcement isn’t exactly earth shattering considering the P.C. climate we live in.
Collins is not what one would consider a marquee player or a household name. So, who the hell is he, anyway? Someone desperate enough to come out and admit he’s gay just for the glory of his “15 Minutes” or as the official GLAAD-BAAG Poster child? Does his announcement guarantee a career after professional basketball?
His professional resume is respectable enough, even though he has played on 6 teams in 12 years. He is probably what the owners regard as disposable trade-bait.
Predictably, he’s done some talk shows, “Good Morning America,” “Piers Morgan Live” and “Oprah’s Next Chapter,” whatever that is. Public appearances, possible book deals, endorsements (for what product, who knows), and speaking engagements will be expected as he has been invited to join Michelle Obama at the Democratic National Committee’s GLAAD-BAAG-A-Thon and - this hurts - the Boston Red Sox have slated Collins to toss out the first pitch before Boston’s gay pride parade. (That was a painful passage to write, being a casual Red Sox follower.)
If he were smart, he would milk that cash/fame/fortune cow until it’s withered and dry, if it isn’t already. After all, he only has a few good playing years left anyway, so why not spill his guts with his years of heart wrenching tales of suffering in ‘silence’ and ‘anguish’? As long as he doesn’t do it with a chip on his shoulder or goes on a quest for special rights and preferential treatment for his fellow GLAAD-BAAG ball handlers, the PIGDome doesn’t have any issues with Collins.
Since his announcement, though, O’Sports Hack has to wonder: Are his current and former teammates experiencing an openly genuine case of Warm Fuzzies as they embrace his decision to declare his sexual orientation, or are they secretly shaking their heads in dismay thinking, “Damn, I shared a locker room and shower with him! I hope he wasn’t scoping out MY junk in the locker room or even in the showers.”
Collins may also have increased his market value to team owners and the league overall, with the thinking that his presence will fill seats as basketball fans want to come out and see the novelty known as Jason Collins.
Finally, with his announcement, after being serenaded with pink triangles, rainbows and leather diapers, Collins has to realize he’s going to be taking the good with the bad. For instance, there’s always going to be some smarty pants wise-acre out there that will no doubt ask, “Who took more balls across the face. Rock Hudson or Jason Collins?”
Can I at least get a rim shot for that joke, please?
Seriously, Jason Collins is a true rarity in the NBA, and it's not for being gay. He's probably the only player that doesn't have a rap sheet that's a mile long, or a herd of illegitimate children. For that, he really is a role model.
GEORGE CARLIN AND SPORTS | APRIL 24, 2013
The following quotes are from the late George Carlin's book Napalm and Silly Putty:
To my way of thinking there are really only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.
Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. If these guys had more brains then teeth, they'd do these things one at a time. First go ice-skating, then fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a lot more fun. Another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it's not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport. These are my rules, I make 'em up.
Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport. Tap dancing isn't a sport. I rest my case.
Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?
Swimming. Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?
Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated way of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling. Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent shoes. Don't forget, these are my rules. I make 'em up.
Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because there's no chance of serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of your ass, you know you might be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that ain't billiards, that's pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.
Darts could have been a sport, because at least there's a chance to put someone's eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggoty college activity. I don't care how rough it is, anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with a little net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggoty college activity. Period.
Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also these activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you can't gamble on can't be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin' fencing bet?
Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.
Polo isn't a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without holes. It's a great concept, but not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate to even mention it, because it's extremely cruel to horses.
Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.
Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it's not a sport. It's just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form a Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport.
In fact, all racket games are nothing more the derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table.
And finally welcome to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it could be played alone. But it's the vacuous, striving, superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.
NOW THAT'S REAL TEAM SPIRIT | APRIL 11, 2013
I was wondering, actually hoping, if the L.A. Lakers cheering squad had room for her mad skills.
OPENING DAY, TIGER WOOD$, SELFISH ATHLETES | APRIL 04, 2013
Item #1: Major League Baseball commenced the 2013 season this week, without much ado or fanfare.
During the off season, teams conducted the buying, selling signing and trading of the usual high profile, aka, paid players.
There didn't seem to be much drama during the off season, and thus far, early into the 2013 season, none...yet.
All that stated, O'Sports Hack has some no-brainer predictions for the upcoming season:
1) The traditional Red Sox and Yankees rivalry will continue and at least one Red Sox fan will get drunk and cry in his/her clam chowder when the Sox choke during the last at bat of the season and lose...again.
2) The Dodger fans still hate the Giants and vice versa. All Giant/Dodger fans may be subject to a full cavity search, after the sharp objects are confiscated.
3) Someone will test positive for PED's (performance enhancing drugs) and get away with it.
4) An umpire will make a bad call. Yeah, right. Like that's never happened.
5) At least one manager will have a major league meltdown and get ejected as a result of a bad call.
6) A-Rod hooks up with some high profile prima donna and makes the headlines in all of the NYC fishwraps and gossip rags.
7) There will be at least one bench clearing brawl and at least one player will chip a diamond encrusted gold tooth.
8) At least one player will get hit by a bean ball, cry to the umpire and charge the mound, knowing his team will have his back, IF they like him.
9) At least one batter will have a hissy fit for a pitcher throwing chin music.
10) Teams get greedier by price gouging the consessions. Example: $9.00 for a beer. If you don't like that crappy deal, you can always pony up your left (pea) nut for a beer, soda, hot dog, popcorn and peanut combo even if you end up in the nose bleed section and maxed out your credit card for parking.
11) At least one player goes on the disabled list due to anything from a bad hair day to a hangnail or hangover.
12) The Chicago Cubs will suck, as usual.
13) In the end, only ONE team will win the World Series, and yes, that was a jab at the ''Everyone gets a trophy just for showing up,' punks.
All that stated, I still prefer catching a local Little League game over the headaches and hassles of paying to watch over priced players playing a kids game. It;s actaully tons of fun watching the kids' parents go nuclear on the umpires and get ejected from the stands.
Those are my MLB preditions for the 2013 baseball season.
Item #2: Now that Tiger Woods re-established himself with a Number One ranking, one of his pimps, Nike, came out with a new ad campaign geared at Tiger's latest success.
One can surmise that the caption and a quote from Tiger himself that reads, "Winning Takes Care Of Everything" has the usual gaggle of haters saying the ad makes light of Tiger's recent extramarital escapades, stating that the ad "sends the wrong message."
Wrong message? To whom? Perpetual losers? "The children?" Scorned women? Man hating womyn? Shitty, weekend golfers?
If anything, the ad is is actually inspirational in that it demonstrates that one can dig themselves out of a self-imposed hole (pun intended) and regain past glory days.
The fact is, is that no matter how many women he played hide-the driver, or hole-in-one with, he can still golf like no other.
So to all you whiney complainers, 'Just Deal With It', while Tiger 'Just Cashes In' and saying, 'Just Screw It.'
Item #3: Another Selfish Athlete
This the kind of crap that just pisses you off, really!
Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her breasts.
Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the Junior French Open last year.
But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back.
"This autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said.
"The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."
"It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly" she added.
Will someone please tell this kid that winning isn't everything!
What about us - the hard-working everyday fan who paid good money to watch her play?
People pay top money for jugs like that and this little brat wants to have them reduced?
Just pisses me off.
Just another selfish athlete
WRONG DAY TO LEAVE HIS DEPENDS AT HOME? | MARCH 25, 2013
TEST DRIVING: A NEW SPORT? | MARCH, 14 2013
There is a viral video circulating throughout cyberspace which features NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon, in conjunction with Pepsi, test driving a new Camaro.
Gordon was disguised as a clueless geek as he approached the car on the sales lot and takes the sales rep for the ride of his life.
The entire incident has been rumored to be a prank, as the sticker on the car is for a 2009 Camaro, when the new edition wasn't released until 2010.
Also, would Pepsi actually risk a major lawsuit should injury occur?
It has been said that the driver of the more hair raising scenes was actually a professional stunt driver and the sales rep is an actor.
Add to all of that, Will "I ain't funny" Farrell is somehow involved.
O'Sports Hack doesn't really care. It's funny as hell and I double dog dare all of you 'Don't try this at home' types and hope the following clip inspires all of you dare devils.
>>> Gordon >>>
DR. JERRY BUSS: HE BUILT THAT, OBAMA | FEBRUARY 19, 2013
The passing of Los Angeles Laker owner Jerry Buss reminds us that there still are some successful, self-made men that built sports dynasties out of nothing.
Armed with a degree in chemistry and a mere $1,000 dollars, Jerry Buss began on his quest to make his fortune though real estate investments. He did, very well, too.
Mr. Buss saved up his shiny nickels and had a vision and love of sports and one day dreamed of buying the Los Angeles Lakers. His dream came true when he purchased the Lakers and began building powerhouse, Showtime teams featuring Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, James Worthy, Kurt Rambis, Michael Cooper and later after the Showtime era, he signed the lousy likes of Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal and coach Phil Jackson which began another dynasty era.
Oh, and don’t forget the lovely Laker Girls that Jerry Buss introduced to the sports world.
What Mr. Buss did was to elevate the level of competition in the NBA, specifically targeting O’Sports Hack’s beloved Boston Celtics. He accomplished that goal in 1985 when the Lakers beat the Celtics in Boston for the NBA championship.
A self-made man, revered by all around him, Jerry Buss did indeed build a successful sports empire, all by himself and accomplished his dream and left a great personal and professional legacy.
O’Sports Hack, being a die hard Boston Celtic fan, tips his cap and hoists a cold one to honor the memory, legacy and accomplishments of Dr. Jerry Buss.
Rest In Peace, sir. You helped change the face of the game by building a successful organization without the help of any Obama care or bailouts.
TRICK SHOT TODDLER | FEBRUARY 06, 2013
Watch out Kobe and LeBron, there's a new kid on the court and he may give you a run for your money.
A two-year old named Titus from Derby, Kansas has a unique athletic ability to make sinking basketballs look easy.
Air Titus can do it all, even lying on his back with his pacifier in his mouth. I just hope it's not Kobe's pacifier.
Young Titus may have a bright future playing collegiate and maybe professional basketball.
Let's hope no Kardashian's hinder him and rob the cradle and his wallet.
Enjoy the clip. Tons of fun.
>>> Trick Shot Titus >>>
THE TWO POUND FUMBLE | FEBRUARY 03, 2013
On the verge of the Superbowl, the Rotten Baltimore Ravens made a dumb ass decision to bar one of their cheerleaders because she was, "Too Fat."
Courtney Lenz was barred from her cheerleading duties from the Superbowl because the front office said that gaining a whopping two, that's right, two pounds made her look fat.
Two pounds? With a body like hers that most women would love to have and be jealous of? O'Sports Hack wonders, who is the retard that ordered this?
The somebody who made the decision to have her barred obviously needs their eyes examined, as anyone can plainly see, she looks to be in perfect physical shape.
Two pounds? Cheerleading is a very aerobic activity and two pounds can be shed in no time.
Courtney, you were dealt a rotten hand by the Ravens front office, but hey, you can cheer and join Team PIG anytime. If not, you probably have a bright future ahead.
LOSSES | JANUARY 21, 2013
Major League Baseball and the sports world lost two all-time greats with the passings of Earl Weaver and Stan Musial.
We’ll start with Earl Weaver.
Mr. Weaver was the hot tempered manager of the Baltimore Orioles, whose trademark was his legendary hot as hell temper, which he inflicted upon umpires and most especially, his pitching staff, which included Cy Young Award winning pitcher Jim Palmer.
Mr. Weaver, you made baseball a ton of fun to watch, with your temper, tenacity and winning attitude with your F-Bombs.
Your approach to the game with a Pit Bull attitude, and the pitching staff you assembled and your no-shit, win at all costs approach to the game of professional baseball.
We here in the PIGDome wish that you safely slide into home plate without spiking anyone in the nads.
Goodbye Mr. Weaver, you made the game an awful lot of fun to watch.Now, we’re onto Stan Musial
Stan “The Man” Musial could do it all.
From his sweet left handed swing to his fielding, Stan “The Man” Musial could do it all. Hence the name “The Man.”
He not only inspired his St. Louis Cardinal team to victories and championships, but also inspired a post war nation and a bunch of kids to hit the sandlots with balls, bats and gloves of America to emulate “The Man.”
Mr. Musial, we wish you a safe slide into you’re new dugout called home.
IT FIGURES | JANUARY 11, 2013
BALLS GOING VIRAL, LOUISVILLE SLUGGERS,
L.A. CLIPPERS | JANUARY 05, 2013
Item #1:Well Placed Kick Balls
A Norweigian rugby player recently went viral and became such a sensation with his skills that he caught the attention of the New York Jets, who may court him for contract negotiations and a lucrative career in the NFL.
His Name? Havard Rugland of Norway. He executes his kicks not just with precision and accuracy, but with a bit of poetry in athletic motion.
Look for him next season. O'Sports Hack thinks his skills will be much sought after, if not the NFL, but after retirement, maybe Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Baily Circus.
For an amazing display of his talents, click the link below:
>>> Kicking Balls >>>
Item #2: Gift That Keeps On Giving
The famous Louisville Slugger, manufacturer of baseball bats for current and future big leaguers came up with a real nifty idea.
They thought, hey, why not make a customized, personally engraved gift bat for the baseball fan in your life.
That's right, baseball fans! The bat comes complete with little Skippy's name engraved on the barrel of the bat and would be a long time keepsake.
That's real sweet.
With that idea in mind, we here in the Sportsdome came up with our own design, suitably customized for the purposes of the Free State Of PIG.
What purposes? Glad you asked. The customized bat sure isn't for Beer League, Weekend Warrior, softball league purposes.
The next time some uninvited, wannabe intruder or Korrectnick attempts to enter your world with very bad intentions, give 'em a dose of reality, courtesy of your brand spanking new baseball bat by taking a swing for the ages and engraving their foreheads or kneecaps with your nifty new trademark, insignia, moniker or don't come calling card.
Hey, it's the gift that keeps on giving. Order yours today!
Item #3: Ha! Ha!
Seems as if the L.A. Clippers have the Lice Infested Laker's number.
The Clippers totally dominatind the Lakers at the Staple's Center in Los Angeles last night by demonstrating who are the new bosses in charge of LA.
The L A. Clippers took the Little Boy Lakers to task and made the Lakers look like the overpriced, spoiled team they are.
So. Ha! Ha! Lakers and Laker fans, you lose.
O'Sports Hack just had to get that in, loving it the whole time.
BALLS | DECEMBER 14, 2012
JUNKYARD DOGS | DECEMBER 12, 2012
Have you ever been so bored that you tune in to ESPN's Westminster Dog Shows?
You know what these dog shows are all about. Some uptight dog owner, aka, pimp, enters her precious little Fifi into the show, complete with Bel Aire style grooming and training to be paraded around in front of equally uptight judges.
Poor dogs. Dogs really just want to be dogs. They live to get dirty, sniff other dogs privates, bury bones and shit on your neighbors lawns, no matter the pedigree.
O'Sports Hack has a remedy to liven up the festivities.
Get a dude dressed like Larry The Cable guy, complete with ball cap and fish hook in the visor, torn off sweatshirt or flannel with his prize flea bitten Hound Dog, a Kill-At-All-Costs Doberman Pincer or even better, a mangy, smelly Junkyard dog that takes no prisoners.
Talents and Specialties: Leg Humping, Bone Burying, Begging For Food, Crapping on the Neighbors Lawn, Ankle Biting, Pissing on Tires, Trees and Legs, Howling and Barking at 3:00 AM. For the grand finale, when Junkyard Dog is paraded in front of the judges. Dog leaves a calling card on the floor in the form of a massive steaming load, complete with a Junkyard Dog style rear leg lift manuever that leaves a puddle on the showroom floor. Our hero, Junkyard gets a round of applause, complete with a standing ovation.
To O'Sports Hack, that is the essence of a real dog, and would garner a Blue Ribbon and Best In Show for demonstrating what a REAL dog is, as opposed to a pampered Fifi type phony.
YOU MAKE THE CALL | DECEMBER 09, 2012
INSPIRATION | NOVEMBER 18, 2012
The annual USC/UCLA rivalry in Southern California took place at the Rose Bowl yesterday.
The UCLA Bruins took the USC trojans to school in a 38-28 victory.
The pre-game festivities usually involve students raiding rival campuses and stealing mascots, defacing statues and trophies. This year, the students on the UCLA campus rose the bar by getting very creative in expressing their loyalty to their college and team.
Perhaps the image below inspired the Bruins to take the Trojans to the woodshed.
FUN STUFF FROM PIGSTER GM | NOVEMBER 09, 2012
The birth rate in the United States has hit an all-time low. But to be fair, the NBA season has just started. It's going to take a while for these guys to get out on the road and go to different towns. Just be patient.
The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don't even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what's going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a gold medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?
Mayor Bloomberg has canceled this year's New York City Marathon. It's just as well as it was going to be extra tough on the runners since Bloomberg was going to require them to carry three other runners just to get into the city.
FIRED UP | OCTOBER 26, 2012
Hey, sportsfans! O'Sports Hack found himself with too much time and lighter fluid on his hands, and wanted to express his true feelings toward the Lice and Kardashian infected L.A. Lakers after a friend made the mistake of leaving me a Lakers cap.
Well, had to make good use of bad rubbish, right?
The following pictoral display is dedicated to any/all Laker non-believers and especially to the Brain Dead Laker Nation Zombies and the Kardashians.
Is this a slam dunk hit piece? You bet, and in the words of the late Chick Hearn, "This one's in the fridge."
To further twist the knife, O'Sports Hack recommends you follow the the steps below if you are so inclined:
Step One: Place hat in safe place.
Step Two: Sprinkle hat with regular lighter fluid and light match, once ignited, kick back and enjoy, as seen below.
Step Three: Send to any or all Laker Fans and wait for riot.
GRENADE FISHING | OCTOBER 23, 2012
And now a bit of levity to start your day.
Should be self-explanatory for all but the blind.
But if you're gonna do this, it's best to have an IQ higher than your shoe size!
Do not fish with a hand grenade!
ESPECIALLY IN A RUBBER BOAT!
After viewing the clip, one just has to ask, where do these people get neat stuff like hand grenades and sticks of dynamite?
Obviously, human stupidity has no limits as you witness what these two defects do just to catch a fish.
Enjoy the clip.
>>> Grenade Fishing >>>
INSPIRATION | OCTOBER 17, 2012
Normally, O'Sports Hack would use this page to comment on such things as how the Detroit Tigers have made the New York Yucky Yankees their bitch's in the American League Championship Series with their superb pitching.
But I won't.
Or, I could mention something about why Lance Armstrong has stepped down from his position with the Livestrong Foundation AND stripped of all of his Tour De France titles due to CHEATING and DOPING allegations.
But I won't.
Oops. I already let the cat out of the bag, huh?
Instead, we'll enter the world of 8th grader Jack McGraw. Jack, born with cerebral palsey, religiously rooted for his Haines Middle School football team from the stands.
Jack had a dream of scoring a touchdown for his team. Someone got wind of this and discussed it with the team and they all agreed to give young Jack a shot at glory.
In the next game, it was also discussed with the opposing team, officials and coaches to allow wheelchair bound Jack to carry the ball into the end zone.
Watch the link below and you'll know why O'Sports Hack has to go. Got something in my eye.
>>> Jack McGraw >>>
ALEX KARRAS | OCTOBER 11, 2012
Former All-Pro NFL defensman Alex Karras has passed on at the age of 77.
Karras was known throughout the league as The Mad Duck for his fierce and relentless style of play while with the Detroit Lions.
After his retirement from the NFL, Karras went into a career in television, commentator for Monday Night Football, wrestling and movies, most notably playing a character named Mongo (pictured) in the comedy classic, Blazing Saddles.
In a long, productive, illustrious life, Karras, while playing the Mongo character, left us with this memorable quote:
"In game of life, Mongo just pawn."
R.I.P. Mr. Karras.
ONE AT BAT | OCTOBER 04, 2012
Adam Greenberg isn't exactly a household name in the Major League Baseball community, but did make headlines recently in only his second at bat.
In 2005, in his very first Major League at bat, Greenberg stepped into the batters box and on the very first pitch he faced, was hit in the head with a 95 mph fastball. The impact of the pitch was so powerful, it sent Greenberg to the ground and out of baseball for seven years with severe head trauma.
Fast forward to October 2, 2012. Greenberg, during recovery from the vertigo that one pitch caused, was determined to make a comeback.
His story was picked up and a huge movement was underway called "One At Bat."
The Topps baseball card company printed up a card of Greenberg just for the occasion.
His talents were shopped around and eventually was signed to a one day contract with the Miami Marlins.
"I'm ready," said Greenberg, whose salary will be donated to help the study, treatment and prevention of the effects of brain trauma in athletes.
“I’m extremely proud to extend this opportunity to Adam," Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria said. "He has earned this chance as his love and passion for the game never diminished, despite his career tragically being cut short. I look forward to seeing Adam step up to the plate and realizing his comeback dream next Tuesday night.”
He was sent in late in the game to a standing ovation. In his second at bat of his career he struck out as a pinch hitter.
The ovation continued and Greenberg expressed his gratitude to the fans the Marlins and the league for a second chance, if only for one day.
Talk about balls.
FUMBLE! | SEPTEMBER 28, 2012
The NFL has finally gotten over the referee debacle by coming to terms with the referee's union.
For those that have been living in a cave, O'Sports Hack will get you up to speed.
NFL referees went on a temporary strike, forcing the NFL to hire replacement referees. The refs that were hired were so crappy that they were fired from Hambo's favorite league, the Lingerie Football League.
The results of that stupid ass move ended in continuous blown calls by the replacements that affected the outcomes of several games.
Who got screwed by the replacement refs?
The Dallas Cowboys
The New England Patriots
And of course, the Green Bay Packers with the most famous blown call of all time.
Oh, wait! Did I forget to mention who really got bent over with no K-Y jelly, Vaseline or even a reach around? Silly me.
It was the fans who were justifiably pissed.
But, sports fans. Good news. The NFL came to terms with the referees union and drop kicked the replacement refs out. In their first game after the agreement with the NFL, at a game between the Cleveland Browns and Baltimore Ravens, the real refs were greeted with a standing ovation.
Gotta go and conclude this Sports report due to all the penalty flags I see, thrown by football fans, aimed at Roger Goddell, the NFL commissioner who really fumbled things up.
*Publishers Note: The Three Stooges are depicted because they would have made better refs than the replacements. Note to Moe, Larry and Curley. No disrespect intended, Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.
FORE! | SEPTEMBER 24, 2012
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?| SEPTEMBER 16, 2012
SOX IT TO ME, BABY! | AUGUST 26, 2012
Dodger Blue Bloods: It's a great day for Los Angeles Dodger fans, and maybe a real crappy day for the Boston Red Sox.
The Los Angeles Dodgers pulled off an amazing nine player trade with the Boston Red Sox with the acquisition of first baseman Adrian Gonzalez, pitcher Josh Beckett, outfielder Carl Crawford and utility player Nick Punto.
The Dodgers also inherited $260,000,000 in players' salaries.
Yep. That's millions. As in a quarter billion. Worth it? We'll see. But the fact that the Dodger front office is willing to stick their necks and wallets out seems to have rubbed off in a positive, enthusiastic way with the Dodger Faithful.
Co-owner of the Dodgers, Magic Johnson was quoted as saying, "We want to win now."
If anyone knows about winning, it's Magic Johnson who seems to be on a mission to see the Dodgers succeed and return to their glory days.
What did the Red Sox get? James Loney and four prospects in return. On the Red Sox side, it seems as if they are in a rebuild mode, but you can count on O'Sports Hack to keep you posted on the Red Sox Nation and their activites.
Now, no sooner did brand new Dodger Adrian Gonzalez get off his chartered jet to L.A., in his first at bat, launched a three run home run in his debut, putting the Dodger fans in a frenzy.
As an observation, I was wondering. Is Magic Johnson trying to one-up his former basketball team, the Lakers by orchestrating this blockbuster trade?
More Dodger Blue: On an even brighter note, legendary, first class broadcaster, Vin Scully announced he will return for his 64th season as the voice of the Dodgers.
Vin Scully, for those that haven't had the privlege of hearing him broadcast a Dodger game on the radio, has the ability to describe an otherwise boring snoozefest of a game into an entertaining affair with his recollections and adages.
One time in particular, Memorial Day, 1997, I was listening to the game on the radio, and Vin Scully remarked about our armed forces and what Memorial Day means.
He said, in effect, "When I was young and World War Two broke out, guys my age RAN to their local draft board. Nowadays, the younger generation runs from it."
Wait 'til next year Vin. I'll tune in.
NBC OLYMPIC MELTDOWN, JOHNNY PESKY | AUGUST 14, 2012
Item #1: NBC = No Brains Corporation
all be thankful that the 2012 Olym-Pathetics
are over and done with. Not to discount all the hard working, dedicated athletes, especially American, that
grabbed some Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze.
For your acheivements, either individually, or as a team, we salute you.
The following rant not directly a sports piece, but is related to a sporting event.
The Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics were almost, if not more depressing as the train wreck known as the Opening ceremonies, until, NBC and to a lesser degree, the Brits really dropped the torch.
What happened was that some high-profile acts were scheduled to close out the ceremonies, including Ray Davies of the Kinks and the legendary The Who.
Oh sure, everything was going smoothly, if you like to see the Spice Girls live. Yay, whoopee OMG and pass the bubblegum, but when it came to the big boys of rock being broadcast worldwide, NBC bumped The Who's performance in favor of a free preview of a future flop of a show called 'Animal Practice.'
Needless to say, Who fans world wide were a bit more than pissed and flooded NBC's phone lines and website with a loud, hearty and collective, WTF!!!
How often does anyone get to seeThe Who live, either in person or in a broadcast venue?
O'Sports Hack proposes random, mandatory juice testing for performance UNhancing drugs for that load of shit.
Here's a clip of The Who, AFTER the airing of Animal Practice:
>>> The Who >>>
Item #2: Johnny Pesky
Baseball and particularly Boston Red Sox fans lost the beloved Johnny Pesky today.
Pesky began his decades old stint with the Red Sox as a shortstop, later becoming coach, broadcaster, instructor, manager and most importantly, a fan and player favorite.
Pesky, with his teamate Ted Williams had his baseball career interrupted by World War II.
A left-handed batter known for pulling the ball down the right field line, the Red Sox dubbed the right field foul pole, 'Pesky's Pole.'
While the Red Sox have long had a loose policy that only players who are in baseball's Hall of Fame can have their number retired on the façade of Fenway's right-field wall, it is fitting that Pesky is the one player for whom they made an exception. His No. 6 was retired in a ceremony in 2008.
Pesky, wherever he went, was considered a true ambassador of baseball and still regarded as the Patron Saint of the Boston Red Sox.
WHACKED OUT SPORTS PICTORAL | AUGUST 07, 2012
PROGRESSIVE OLYMPICS | AUGUST 06, 2012
Borrowed From IMAO
Posted by Harvey
High Praise! To:
>>>The People's Cube
Here's The People's Cube
Here are suggestions for new, modernized Olympic events:
• The High Tax Jump
• Non-Fencing Along The Southern Border
• Synchronized Astroturfing
• Long Jump Followed By The Guilt Trip
• "Critical Mass" Cycling In Traffic
• Underwater Mortgage Payments
• Unemployment Line Standing
• Filling Out Applications For Gov't Aid
• Demanding Healthcare Reform Now!
• Police Car Pooping
Among Obama-inspired events:
• Teleprompter Dancing
• Extreme Fingerpointing
• Apology Tourism
• Synchronized Fainting
On Your Marx, Comrades!
OLYMPIC SCANDAL, GOLD MEDAL GLUTTONY | AUGUST 02, 2012
Item #1:Women's Badminton Gone Bad:
In the cut throat and hyper-competitive world of female Badminton, several of the Asian teams
found themselves disqualified for - GASP! - throwing matches in order to advance with the hopes of playing
more favorable teams in the advanced rounds.
The players were booed and jeered for their flagrant sub-par play, even told to get out by the spectators.
The following players from the Women's Doubles teams have found themselves packing their bags and heading home to disgrace. Maybe even a firing squad.
From China: Wang Xiaoli and Yang Yu
From Indonesia: Greysia Polii and Meiliana Juahari
From South Korea: Jung Kyung Eun and Kim Ha Na
From South Korea: Ha Jung Eun and Kim Min Jung
Needless to say, they have given themselves and their respective countries a black eye, not to mention open a can of worms known as the scandelous world of Women's Badminton.
I suppose when they return home, they won't just kick their dogs, they'll be eating them, too.
Pass the rice, hot sauce and chopsticks, Hop Sing.
* O'Sports Hack posted this for the two or three people that might actually care about Badminton. My aplogies to the rest of you.
Item #1:Gold Medal Gluttony:
I'm no big fan of the Olympics, but I swear, I didn't make this up.
A story aired within the past few hours revealing that American Olympian Medal winners are subject to a tax for every medal they win.
That's right. Those slimy, sticky fingered punks and pirates on Capitol Hill that get paid to take your money have stooped to an all-time low by confiscating the spoils of Olympic athletes that achieve medal status in their quest for the Gold.
With all the sweat and long hours of training that these medal winning Olympians put into winning a medal for their country, they get to return to a government that has a "You didn't earn that" attitude.
The fact is, they did earn that/those medals, and through no help or sponsorship from the government or the rat bastards that run it.
Our athletes are funded through private donations and corporate sponsorship, and now the government wants to tarnish the once in a lifetime thrill the athletes experience by taking a bite out of the thrill of victory.
Upon his return home, record setting medalist Michael Phelps will be asked the usual News Nit-Wit question.
"So Michael, where are you and your medals going?"
"After the IRS gets done taking my money, chewing me up and spitting me out, Im going to Disneyland to look for a job taking tickets. Where else do you think I'm going?"
i can see it now. The president, his pirates and the IRS thugs welcome the medal winning athletes home to America and then sweep them off to a destination unkown for an immediate audit, complete with a smoke filled room, a bright light, a pail of water with jumper cables and an interrogation stool.
Well, in that spirit, O'Sports Hack has come up with an extra special, very appropriate award for the Blow Dried, Beltway Blowhards that seem to go out of their way, SHAMELESSLY, to step in IT.
Enjoy your Golden Turd Award, you Gluttonous, Greedy Greaseballs.
NCAA DROPS HAMMER ON PENN STATE | JULY 24, 2012
NCAA Issues Sanctions Against Penn State:One day after the removal of the late coach Joe Paterno's statue from campus, along comes the NCAA with some crippling sanctions against Penn State's football program.
This whole nightmare began as far back as the 1990's when assistant coach Jerry Sandusky was accused of sexually molesting an underage player in Sandusky's Second Mile Foundation.
As the years passed, more and more accusations were made, apparently to the knowledge of Penn State officials and coach Joe Paterno who denied the accusations and covered it up.
Fast forward to present. Paterno has passed away, so he can't defend himself but has been stripped of his former 'legacy.'
Sandusky was convicted of 45 counts of sexual abuse and handed a 60 year sentence. That's not really punishment for Sandusky. After all, he still gets to play 'Drop the soap' in the prison showers.
Here's a little time line of the events over the past few days:
July 22, 2012 Joe Paterno's statue is removed from campus to the shock and dismay of Paterno loyalists. If Paterno was found to be 100% guilty of obstructing an investigation and participating in a cover up, that staue ought to go straight to scrap metal.
July 23, 2012, the NCAA bitch slapped the Penn State football program with the following sanctions intended to have long lasting effects:
• A $60 million fine, with the money going to an endowment to benefit the welfare of children.
• A four-year ban on postseason play, including the Big Ten championship game, bowls or the playoffs coming in 2014.
• A reduction in the maximum allowance of scholarships offered to incoming players from 25 to 15 a year for the next four years.
• Any entering or returning player is free to transfer without restriction (such as sitting out one season). Others can maintain their scholarship at Penn State and choose not to play.
• The vacating of all victories from 1998-2011, which strips Paterno of his title as the winningest coach in college football history (now Grambling's Eddie Robinson) and Division I-A (now Bobby Bowden). Paterno, for the record, loses 111 wins and now ranks 12th with 298.
Them's some hard hitting sanctions, alright. Just wait until the civil suits start blitzing Penn State.
What makes this an odd story to post on PIG, is that later that day (July 23, 2012), O'Sports Hack was watching Pawn Stars on the History Channel.
Some dude proudly pimp rolls in with a 1969 Orange Bowl Championship ring won by Penn State.
The guys behind the counter were ooh-ing and aah-ing over the ring and going on and on about what great teams Penn State has had under Joe Paterno, (which they did) about how great he was, how he defined Penn State beyond the football program, etc., etc.
That particular episode was no doubt taped before all of Penn State's dirty laundry became public and the guys on Pawn Stars will probably want to bury or burn that episode.
Now, for some lighter material regarding the Penn State scandal:
• "I sent my kid to Penn State to become a Tight End, but when he came back he was a Wide Receiver."
• Did you hear that McDonalds is introducing the McSandusky Burger?
It is a piece of old meat between fresh buns.
• Penn State: Giving the Big Ten a whole new meaning!
On a serious note, the former, present, near future players, students and alumni alike are the ones who will be taking the heat because of the actions of a few A-Wipes that abused their power and the trust of those under them.
In the end (pun intended), the NCAA took the Penn State football program over their knee and gave them a much deserved spanking and made Penn State THEIR bitch.
HURDLING HOTTIE, PETE ROSE | JULY 20, 2012
Item #1: Hip Swinging Hurdling Hottie: Move over, Bruce Jenner Kardashian, you've been unseated.
Australian Junior Hurdler Michelle Jenneke just made Track And Field a sport to watch.
Miss Jenneke has a unique warm up routine prior to her hurdling event. Apparently, to get in focus and relax, she does a cute, seductive dance which includes much booty shaking and jumping up and down.
Not only is she hot, but she is good at what she does, also. So, her and her warm up act are not just a novelty, she's the real deal.
She will not be competing in this years London Olympics, but watch for her in Rio in 2016.
Guys, I think she may be single, too, so if you're lucky, she'll invite you on a trip Down Under.
After watching the clip, wipe the drool off of your chins and then you'll know why she has been rightfully dubbed, 'The Hottest Hurdler Ever'
>>> Hurdling Hottie >>>
Item #2: For Pete's Sake: Baseball's All-Time leader in hits, and misses in gambling, has stooped to an all-time low. A 'Reality (Freak) Show' titled Pete Rose and Kiana Kim Family Project.
Banned from Baseball's Hall Of Fame for gambling, Rose will now enter the Hall Of Shame as TLC announced production of 5 episodes of Rose and his well endowed (can we say fake rack) fiancee model Kiana Kim as they plan their wedding, watch as Kiana goes through breast reduction surgery, blah, blah, blah.
Really, Pete? Who the f**k put you up to this circus?
Was it your way younger fiancee looking to piggy back off of your fame to use as a stepping stone for her own selfish motives?
Was it your bookies breathing down your neck in order to collect on yor gambling debts?
Was it your desire for one last moment in the limelight before you hit the showers for the last time?
Didn't your own adult children try and talk you off the ledge and warn you about getting involved with a hottie almost 40 years younger than you?
Talk about going head first into home and missing.
Say it ain't so, Pete.
I'll bet this one doesn't get beyond first base.
Seriously, we wish you lots of luck and happiness, Pete
UNIFORM OUTRAGE | JULY 15, 2012
Item #1: Olympic Sized Outrage
With the upcoming snooze fest known as the Olympics
coming up, there seems to be a big stink about the athletes
The outfits were found to have Made In China tags attached to them, along with their designers Ralph Loren logo.
Well, that got the attention of Congress, who with nothing better to do, said they will introduce the "Team USA Made In America Act of 2012" next week.
O'Sports Hack can understand how most Americans are plenty pissed over that, and rightfully so.
There is a follow up to this story. When asked if the unifroms can be changed to Made In America, Ralph Loren arroganly said "Yes, in 2014."
That kind of comment makes me want to pick up a javelin and throw it at a certain outsourcer.
O'Sports Hack does have a quick fix uniform solution that can probably be done just before the games begin.
First, ditch those berets and all American athletes wear a Stetson.
Second, all athletes get a red, white and blue Larry The Cable guy style sleeveless shirt.
Third, issue blue jeans and shit kicker cowboy boots. Female athletes will wear Daisy Duke style cutoff jeans.
That suggestion could just Git 'Er Done and make a fashion statement at the same time.
Right, Ralph Loren?
Item #2: Holy Thunder Clap!
In a recent game between the Minnesota Twins and Texas Rangers in Arlington, Texas, play was interrupted by a massive lightning strike.
Players from both sides, and all umpires immediately dropped what they were doing and hauled ass to their dugouts.
Scared out of their jock straps, one player said "I thought Jesus was coming!"
Another was seen on his knees.
O'Sports Hack was wondering, where did the fans take shelter as quickly as the players?
For the full report and link, click here:
>>> Thunder Clap >>>
PISTOL PETE MAROVICH | JULY 05, 2012
For those of you that think NBA greats Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Julius Irving, Kobe Bryant or Larry Bird revolutionized the game, you are sadly misinformed.
Once upon a time, a one of a kind, long haired dude named Pistol Pete Maravich rode into NBA Town and did things his way.
For one, he was called Pistol Pete because of his unique style of shooting the ball from his hip. He also was more famous for his behind the back lightning speed bounce passes to his teamates.
His other trademark move was to get the ball down the court, fake a move and bounce the ball between his legs, backwards into a teamates hands so they could score.
His career began at LSU, then played professionally with the Jazz, Hawks and Celtics and considered the best ball handler ever. Also, while at LSU in all of his collegiate career, he averaged over 40 points per game.
Sadly, he passed in 1988 at age 40 from an abnormal heart condition, but a few other great things ought to be said about him.
1) He didn't wear any flashy bling. Didn't need to. His game spoke volumes on the court.
2) He also didn't get involved with ANY Kardashian or Reality Show.
So, all of you wannabe NBAers, take note of the following clips from the Pistol Pete Clinic:
>>> Clinic #1 >>>
>>> Clinic #2 >>>
On an unrelated NBA note, the Lice Infestested Lakers made a trade with the Phoenix Suns for two-time MVP, Steve Nash. The deal involves the Lakers giving up 4 draft picks and shelling out 27 million dollars.
That's the business end of it.
Now, with Steve Nash joining the Lakers, O'Sports Hack has some burning questions:
!) Will his presence upgrade the Lakers image?
2) Will he joining the Lakers downgrade his career and status?
3) Is there a Kardashian lurking in a dark corner waiting to get her claws in him, too, and lure him into one of their reality shows?
Hey, O'Sports Hack has to ask the hard questions.
SANDUSKY TO GET SANDUSKY TREATMENT | JUNE 27, 2012
The jury involved in Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky's sexual abuse case found him guilty of 45 of 48 counts of sexual abuse involving minors.
Well, he's not going to be very popular when he hits the Big House to begin serving his sentence as convicted child molesters are the lowest of the low in prison.
Memo to Sandusky: You're going to get what you deserve, and don't expect a reach around from your new 'friends.'
LEE TREVINO | JUNE 15, 2012
Lee Trevino - a true story - you gotta love him...
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do".
The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her".
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
TRIPPING | JUNE 13, 2012
According to Rolling Stone magazine's online posting, the late Pittsburgh Pirate, Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter against
the San Diego Padres while on LSD.
The event took place in 1970. Ellis walked eight and struck out six, and admitted to having vague recollections of the game, and that every batter looked like a shadow or Jimi Hendrix waving an electric guitar and the home plate umpire looked like Richard Nixon.
He took the acid prior to the game, forgetting that he was scheduled to be the starting pitcher for the game. He had his catcher wear reflective tape on his fingers so he can see the catchers signals better.
Oh well, whatever gets you through the game. Maybe LSD was the original performance enhancing drug.
In case you don't know what else Dock Ellis was famous for, he once purposely beaned Reggie Jackson in the face, and in a game with Cincinnati, he was on a quest to hit every batter. He succeeded in beaning three Reds players and almost got five.
Later in his career, he was traded to the Texas Rangers and did not like his new managers style and was quoted as saying, ..."he may be Hitler, but he ain't making no lampshade out of me."
O'Sports Hack remembers Dock Ellis and the PIGDOME liked his style.
Reminds me of other baseball oddballs, Bill "The Spaceman" Lee, Mark "The Bird" Fidrych, Sal "The Barber" Maglie, famous for chin music, and Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky.
They made baseball fun, and were truely in a league of their own.
THE L.A. KINGS ARE KINGS | JUNE 12, 2012
PIG Props and congratulations go out to the Los Angeles Kings for handily disposing of the New Jersey Devils to scoop up the coveted Stanley Cup.
This game was almost over before it began. In the first period alone, the Kings scored their first three of their six points within five minutes on power plays.
The Kings didn't stop. They basically forced the Devils to bend over and take a painful pucking.
The Kings went on to win the game and the cup by a score of 6-1, in front of a rabid home crowd and hoist Lord Stanley's Cup in victory.
Considering that the Kings were the 8th seed in playoff tournament and disregarded and dismissed by everyone to come out of nowhere, the Kings bulldozed any and all opponents and achieve the impossible and improbable.
Kings goalie, Jonathan Quick was awarded Most Valuable Player award for his stellar performance throughout the series.
Why is this PIG worthy? I knew someone was going to ask, so I'll tell you why.
See, the L.A. Kings fans assembled very peacefully with a minimal amount of minor arrests outside of the Staples Center, and when the LAPD told them to disperse, they did so, very quietly.
Another L.A. team's fans in contrast, let's say, oh, the Lice Infected Laker fans tend to tip cars, burn and loot local merchants businesses whether they win or lose.
Had to get that dig into felonious Laker fans.
That said, O'Sports Hack also congratulates the L.A. King fans who celebrated peacefully and didn't act like the morons L.A. Laker fans tend to be by NOT honking horns or waving banners.
HA! HA! | JUNE 11, 2012
It seems as if the Boston Celtics broke some more of their fans hearts as they did a header against the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals.
LeBron James of the Miami Heat took matters into his own hands and opened his own can of whoop ass against O'Sports Hacks beloved Boston Celtics.
Memo to Celtics: You dropped the ball letting one dude whip your ass.
Boston, you dropped the ball, and Miami deserves to advance and get the props and credit they earned.
Nighty night, Boston.
But hey, Boston fans, you always have that putrid Charles river to dunk your heads into should you still be steaming.
MAD AS HELL? YOU BET! | JUNE 05, 2012
O'Sports Hack wanted to settle in to watch the game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Los Angeles Kings and New Jersey Devils, in Los Angeles.
I checked my local fishwrap, and they published the time and local channel to tune into.
I did so, only to be informed at face off time, that Entertainment Tonight was pre-empting the game on the airwaves. I guess the updates on the M-F***ing Kardashian skank news take priority over people that actually take to the ice and do things, according to Entertainment Tonight.
I called my satellite provider, and they informed me that NBC sold the broadcast rights to the local providers, and if I wanted to view the game, it would be pay-per-view.
Pay-Per-View and blackouts?!? For a local team in a championship series for all the marbles?
As far as I'm concerned, the networks, working in collusion with cable and satellite extortionists can sit in the penalty box.
I have one question to News-Nitwits in the Los Angeles area. Why is it that anything Kobe Bryant does gets national attention, but when a real sport like hockey is involved, that gets pushed aside.
Mad. God Damn right!
IT TAKES BALLS TO PLAY SOCCER | JUNE 03, 2012
Once upon a time, in a not so wonderful place called the Nazi occupied Ukraine, there lived a soccer team that dared to defy Hitler and his Third Reich.
The team was composed of rag-tag players from Kiev who all worked in a bakery and wanted to one-up Der Fuher and his Gestapo goons on the field of sport in the name of national pride.
What happened goes as such: The team called themselves the FC Start.They bulldozed every team in their path. When the first match between the Germans and Ukraines ended in a Ukrainian victory, the Nazi's demanded a rematch.
A rematch was scheduled and before the game, the Ukrainians, while in their locker room were visited by an SS officer, who told the Ukraines it would be in their best interest to lose the game and give a German Heil Hitler style salute during the pre-game ceremonies.
In unity, the FC Fast DID NOT salute Hitler. Also, the fans in attendence were ordered not to cheer for their team, in the Ukraine, as the Gestapo were there to micro- manage the fans' reactions in their own cowardly fashion.
Well, the outcome was that the FC Start beat the Nazi's 5-3. An inspirational victory for the team and nation, no doubt.
But, and this is where it gets brutal, Hitler, being Hitler, had each and every Ukraine player rounded up and tossed into a concentration camp.
There, the players were denied food, and into forced labor. One day, they were all lined up and several players were executed at random. Not very sportsman like.
Talk about the ultimate Death Match. These players, who knew what was at stake that were executed took the ultimate one for their country with their defiance and are regarded as national heroes, as seen in the form of a monument, pictured above.
To see more about the ultimate sacrifice and patriotism on behalf of the players' country, click here:
>>> Defiance >>>
QUESTIONS | MAY 25, 2012
Sports fans of the PIG persuasion! Read the following from Stuttering John Melendez, from the old Howard Stern TV and radio show.
The interviews are with well known sports stars being asked the important questions by Stuttering John.
Scroll down. It's worth the price of admission.
Here are his questions to the following:
Frank Gifford "Does your son ever accidentally call you “grandpa”?"
Tommy Lasorda “How much do you want to bet that Pete Rose is gambling again?”
Yogi Berra “Did anyone ever get laid in the dugout?”
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (question #1) “Who’s the best white guy you ever played against?”
Karrem Abdul-Jabbar (question #2) “Why did you change your name form Lew Alcindor to something as stupid as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?”
Rusty Staub (New York Mets legend) “Who got hit in the face with more balls – Yogi Berra or Rock Hudson?”
Magic Johnson “Aren’t you supposed to be dead by now?”
George Foreman Have you ever pictured your wife’s face on a guy you were
Tommy LaSorda (question #1) “Why do baseball players grab their crotches so much?”
Tommy LaSorda (question #2) “Are you upset that those lousy Canadians won the World Series?”
Tommy LaSorda (question #3) “Do you ever have to ask your players to refrain from sex before a big game?”
Ed O’Bannon (basketball player) “Would you ever give mouth-to-mouth to Magic Johnson?”
THE THRILL OF VICTORY & DEFEAT | MAY 22, 2012
O'Sports Hack watched an NBA double header and was elated by the results.
First, the Boston Celtics beat down the Philedelphia 76er's in Boston to take a 3-2 game lead in the Conference playoff series.
That's the thrill of victory and cause to spark up a stogie and crack open a cold one.
Next up, O'Sports Hack watched with a huge grin as his new favorite team, the Oklahoma City Thunder wiped the floor with the Larcenous Los Angeles Lakers and eliminate them and sent them packing.
The OKC Thunder had the Lakers completely confused as they put that sourpuss look on Kobe Bryant's face in defeat. anyone that saw it, watched the Lakers implode.
That's the thrill of defeat in O'Sports Hack's little PIGdome.
Cause to crack open yet another and relish the Lakers defeat because here in SoCal, the sound of silence is deafening, as the lack of Laker fan A-Wipes honking horns and waving Laker banners from their car windows makes the thrill of defeat even sweeter.
I make no apologies for the fact that, yes, I am rubbing it in, and loving it.
So long Lakers and loudmouth Lakers fans, you won't be missed by O'Sports Hack.
RANDOM THOUGHTS | MAY 20, 2012
Item #1: O'Sports Hack was wondering, why is it that umpires and referees can eject players or put the players in the penalty box during a game for whatever reason, but when an umpire or referee makes a horrible call, THEY don't get ejected?
Many times a player's ejection results in a fine or suspension, sometimes justified, sometimes not. That being stated, Major League Baseball, The NBA, NHL and NFL ought to impose the same conditions upon umpires and referees that flat out blow it.
If O'Sports Hack were commissioner of any league, he would impose a BIG, FAT, YER OUTTA HERE to any official that screws the pooch with a bad call that may ultimately may change the outcome of a game.
Item #2: It was a sad night in the PIGDome when the Oklahoma City Thunder took a 3-1 series lead over the Los Angeles Lakers to force a Game 5 in Oklahoma City.
I already know what you're thinking, O'Sports Hack has made no secret of his contempt for the gang of thugs known as the Lakers and their fans, so why is it a sad day?
Well, this is embarrassing, but O'Sports Hack was in tears of joy after watching the look on Kobe Bryant's face when the Lakers lost at home and I had run out of soft and pillowy tissues to hide my tears.
OK, I lied. I was actually laughing my ass off and doing cartwheels down the sidewalk at the prospect of the Lakers being on the verge of elimination.
RAJON RONDO vs A TOTAL NEWS NITWIT | MAY 14, 2012
After O'Sports Hack's beloved Boston Celtics squeaked by with a 1 point victory against the Sixers in the Eastern Conference playoffs, some News Nitwit pulled aside Celtic Rajon Rondo and asked the usual dumb ass questions in a post game interview.
How did Rondo respond to a REAL dumb question and why is this PIG worthy?
Damn glad you asked.
Click the link below and let Rondo do the talking while News Nitwit does the walking.
All O'Sports Hack can say is nothing but net, as Rondo does a slam dunk on live TV.
>>> Rondo >>>
PLAYING CATCH, LONGSHOTS | MAY 09, 2012
Item #1: The Catch For The Ages.
Many sports fans say that two of the greatest catches in sports were the over the shoulder catch by Willie Mays and the historic football catch by Dwight Clark of the San Francisco 49er's against the Dallas Cowboys.
Well, there's a new entrant into the greatest catches of all time.
In a game between the San Diego Padres and Colorado Rockies, a foul ball ended up, not just in the stands, but a fan caught it with a full cup of beer.
After catching the ball in his cup, he proceeded to chug it down, keep the ball and get a standing ovation from his fellow fans.
That baseball is a souvenier he can show his children and grandchildren.
Here's the clip.
>>> Foul Ball
Item #2: Most Americans love an underdog and longshot story that defies all odds and critics by just doing "it."
At the 138th Kentucky, or Kintucky Derby, a newcomer horse and jockey took it all in the final stretch, overcoming favorite Bodemeister.
At 15-1 odds, the horse, "I'll Have Another" who was purchased for only $11,000 and ridden by jockey Mario Gutierrez, better known as Marvelous Mario said, and O'Sports Hack is only paraphrasing, "...All I saw was the finsh line..."
Much like Seabiscuit, I'll Have Another had an owner, trainer and jockey that had faith in that horse, and it paid off in the form of victory.
The Kentucky Derby is the first step in Triple Crown. On to Pimlico, and then The Preakness.
Speaking of having another, somewhere in the world it's happy hour, so I think I'll have another.
Enjoy the clip. We did.
>>> I'll Have Another >>>
JUNIOR SEAU | MAY 03, 2012
We hate posting about the passing of good guys and class acts, but the tragic death of football great, Junior Seau will not be ignored by the keepers of the Sportsdome.
A much beloved and respected player for USC, San Diego, Miami and New England during his professional career in the NFL, he earned much respect as a player.
He was feared by opposing quarterbacks as a human bulldozer with tenacity as a linebacker, well known to deliver hard hits with lightning speed and power, but always with a smile on his face.
12 Time Pro-Bowler, 2 Time Super Bowler, and Hall Of Famer, he had career most would be envious of.
As a man in his personal life, he was very generous and benevolent with his time and money.
O'Sports Hack will close with this to the Big Referee in the sky.
Don't give Junior a penalty flag, but instead, hand it over, somebody has something in their eye and they need it. Hopefully Junior was a first round pick on your squad.
NEW OLYMPIC SPORT | MAY 01, 2012
Well, it seems as if our Brit pals across the pond have come up with a new, real nifty Olympic event for the 2012 contests to be held in London.
Wanna know what it is?
It's called self defense and knocking out terrorist threats in the form of rooftop missles, installed as a precaution to ANY possibilities of bomb toting "non-infidels" that may have notions or ideas of seeking their Gold Medal with those 72 virgins.
Get the idea yet?
The Brits already got the idea, and in O'Sports Hacks opinion, the Brits got it way right by sending a message to Kool-Aid drinking RPG toting camel jockeys, that are convicned they will be elevated to martyr status if they take out infidels.
But what's the sport in that, you ask.
I'll tell you. Being the Olympics, the first Brit that takes out, or blows to smithereens any A-Whipe wannabe martyr, gets the Gold Medal. The second, of course, gets the Silver. Third, gets the Bronze.
But here in the PIGdome, we don't care, as long as the right people get hurt in the event of any attacks. They all get the Gold if they help exterminate the world of terrorist rodents.
Hey, it's tea time here, so I'll tip my hat and cup to the Brits for extra forethought and preparations.
Too bad we don't have a recreational sport like shooting terrorist here in the States.
DYKSTRA NAILED, PEYTON REPLACED | MARCH 08, 2012
Item #1: Former Major League Baseball star Lenny 'Nails' Dykstra was sentenced to 3 years in a California State prison this week after pleading no contest to grand theft auto and providing a false financial statement.
Dykstra, using his name and (ex) celebrity status, along with two others, provided false documentaion at a car dealership to obtain three automobiles, for which he was ultimately nailed for.
That's just the beginning of Dykstra's problems. He will be facing federal bancruptcy charges later this year. Dykstra filed for bankruptcy a few years ago, claiming he owed more than $31 million and had only $50,000 in assets. Federal prosecutors said that after filing, Dykstra hid, sold or destroyed more than $400,000 worth of items from the $18.5 million mansion without permission of a bankruptcy trustee.
As if that weren't enough, he is also known to be a 'Craigslist Creep.' He has pleaded not guilty to indecent exposure for allegedly exposing himself to women he met on Craigslist.
What a stud, huh?
If Dykstra owes you money, or anything else, it seems like you'll have to get in that long line to contact him through the California Department of Corrections.
Item #2: Peyton Replaced. Popular Indianapolis Colts franchise player, quarterback Peyton Manning was kicked, Colt style, off the team and issued his walking papers by team owner Jim Irsay, leaving Manning a free agent for the first time in his career.
One: He spent the entire 2011 season sidelined with a neck injury, leaving Colts front office doubtful of his future performance as quarterback and the Colts having to look into a Plan B for their vacant quarterback position.
Two: If the Colts had decided to retain Manning, Manning would be due a $28 million bonus, which after all Manning has done for that team and city, he probably deserved. Apparently, Colts management locked up the Peyton Manning money train vault and threw away the key.
Three: Fresh meat. The Colts also have their eye on Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck, who will be the Colts first round draft selection and starting quarterback this season. Luck, no doubt, will have some big shoes to fill. Good luck, Luck.
Back to Manning. In a nationally televised press conference announcing the Colts parting of ways with Manning, Manning seemed to be emotionally moved, leaving O'Sports Hack to wonder if those were tears of joy, as Manning was seen boarding a private jet to Miami - home of the Dolphins, one of many teams to join the Peyton-Palooza in hopes of $igning Manning.
Who wins? Obviously Petyon Manning who is off to greener pastures and any team he decides to sign with.
Who loses? Well, Duh, the Colts, who from here on out ought to be referred to as the 'Dolts.'
JEREMY LIN | FEBRUARY 17, 2012
There's been a lot of attention given to New York Knicks rookie Jeremy Lin, who has outsmarted and outplayed some of the NBA's best players (including His Kobe-Ness) in just 2 weeks and led his team on a 7 game winning streak, many are trying to figure this guy out.
Well, O'Sports Hack found something by someone who has it all figured out, and FYI, the person that sent it my way is Asian, so I'm going to say in advance, quit yer bellyachin' if you think I commited a foul.
BASKETBALL JONES | FEBRUARY 01, 2012
You're probably wondering, WTF are Cheech and Chong doing in the PIGDome.
Cheech and Chong wrote a musical parody about Tyrone Shoelaces, an inner city youth addicted to basketball. The song features musicians like George Harrison, Billy Preston and Eric Clapton.
If you get what this means and catch yourself laughing, you’re either racist or unsympathetic towards people with obsessive/compulsion and addiction issues or you have a great sense of humor.
Here's the clip and shame on you because I already know you’re going to laugh:
>>> Basketball Jones >>>
SUPERBOWL GIVEAWAY STUFF | JANUARY 30, 2012
Here's one that really takes the cake, and what's left of my lunch from my stomach.
It seems as if a young man, Jason Elia was courting a woman, bought two Superbowl tickets for $8,000 and a ring and had planned to propose to her on Christmas Day.
In the meantime, in early November, 2011, he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. When she learned of his cancer, she dumped him.
That's pretty rotten, but it gets way worse. She/It is filing a lawsuit for the Superbowl tickets.
In her lawsuit, she claims he bought the tickets with her in mind and she's stomping her feet claiming they are rightfully hers and she's entitled to them.
Well, the little scalper isn't getting the last laugh. Mr. Elia is, as he is holding a contest to give away the tickets to the person that gives him the most Twitter responses.
If you want to attend the Big Game and help Mr. Elia do an in your face, bitch end zone dance, click the link below:
>>> Superbowl Tickets >>>
Papa John's Pizza is giving a free pizza to anyone that logs on to their website and makes the correct call for the coin toss at this years Superbowl.
If slaving away preparing food on Superbowl Sunday isn't your thing, and you want some free eats, call it, heads or tails. Just log on to their website and make the call.
You win, you get a free pizza. You loose, well, you get to put on the "Kiss The Cook" apron and get familiar with your kitchen.
VANE$$A BRYANT, TIM THOMAS | JANUARY 29, 2012
|IItem #1: Looks like Kobe Bryant has a second career looming on the horizon as his pending divorce from Vane$$a Bryant will force him to become her ATM machine.
Kobe Bryant went from scoring machine in the NBA to an ATM with him giving her three mansions valued at $18 million in Newport Beach, California, a reported $75 million in settlement and ongoing alimony and child support.
Wow! One can buy a lot of bling for that kind of money. I wonder. What lucrative career did Vane$$a give up to marry Kobe Bryant straight out of high school?
O'Sports Hack doesn't like Kobe, but what I really despise even more are gold digging, calculating Cougars that wait for the right moment to capitalize on someone else's fame and fortune and put a stick in their eye and bank account.
Ever since that incident in a Colorado hotel room, Vane$$a Bryant has been waiting for the right moment to do what homegirls do. Sue you.
Kobe, you got and deserved what you're going to be paying for. As a dude, I would feel sorry for you, but instead, you chose to marry a low rent, high maintenance bottom feeder that's taking you downtown to the cleaners.
Looks like she went slam dunk, boo-yah and in you face with one move, Kobe. In the words of the late Chick Hearn, "This one's in the refigerator."
Hope to see you on the sidewalk peddling pencils out of a tin cup.
Item #2: Tim Thomas
Some things are more important than sports and believe it or not, more important than...gasp... Obama.
Boston Bruins's Stanley Cup MVP and star goalie, Tim Thomas, not only gave Obama a hip cheque, and high stick, but the icing of The One's life by NOT accepting an invivation by Obama to attend a White House function with the rest of his Boston Bruins teamates.
His lack of attendance speaks volumes for many, and he even posted a message on Facebook stating the following:
"I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.
This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.
Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.
This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT"
Mr. Thomas' words and message resonate loudly not just through the PIGDome, but across our fruited plains.
Mr. Thomas, you have the vulcanized pucks to say and do what many won't, but then again, your'e a hockey player.
T-BONED IN BEANTOWN | JANUARY 15, 2012
The Tim Tebow Nation sustained some hard hits, and hopefully shut the hell up, courtesy of the New England Patriots in the 45-10 rout of the Denver Broncos in the AFC Divisional Playoff game.
Where do we begin? The Patriots offense racked up enough points in the first half to seal the game, tuck in the Broncos with their blankys and a bedtime story and say, "Night night."
Then there was the Patriots defense that totally shut down and completely baffled the Denver offense and the Tebow Nation.
Nothing personal against Mr. Tebow, O'Sports Hack thinks he is a great player and all around good guy and role model, but Tebowmania needed to be taken down a notch or two, or in this case, 45.
Tebow is known for taking a knee in prayer after a touchdown or victory and often quotes scripture, particularly, John 3:16. That's all fine, but I wonder, if he, being a true Christian, takes a knee and prays when the opposing team scores and/or wins.
Like tonight. Many times.
Perhaps the Patriots prayed harder and had more Providence on their side which resulted in the Tebow T-Boning.
WHO IS ON FIRST, DAMMIT! | JANUARY 04, 2012
If you enjoy the comedy of Abbott and Costello, word play and baseball, the following clip is for you.
It may not be PIGish, but it's funny as hell and very creative.
Click the link below if you want to play ball.
>>> Who's On First >>>
PLAY OF THE YEAR | DECEMBER 29, 2011
|Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Jerome Simpson made perhaps the coolest touchdown catch ever.
And it wasn't the catch that made this the play of the year, it was how he scored.
In a game with the Arizona Cardinals, Simpson caught a pass, ran toward the end zone with blinders on, and only a Cardinal defender stood between him, and end zone glory.
Realizing that he had that pesky defender to deal with, he, as he approached the goal line, leapt like a bullfrog, did a flip over the defender, who is probably well over six feet tall, and in Olympic gymnast style, landed on his feet for touchdown glory in dramatic fashion.
O'Sports Hack is very jealous of Jerome Simpson's athleticism. Why, think of the practical, everyday uses.
Example: You're in the supermarket and a herd of wide loads are blocking the aisle, or holding up the checkout line. What to do? Simple. You go Jerome Simpson on them and cut through the crap and the line and get the hell out
Or, when pulled over for suspicion of driving under the influence and Tin Star asks you perform a field sobriety test by asking you to do anything from reciting the alphabet or walking a straight line, tell Barney Fife that you can one-up him by performing a Jerome Simpson on him.
To see Jerome Simpson in action, click the link below.
>>> Jerome Simpson >>>
IT TAKES BALLS TO PLAY SOCCER | DECEMBER 24, 2011
|Normally, here in the PIGDome, we don't give two rips about soccer. In fact, we usually only view it as an aid for insomnia to help us get to sleep during those blowout scorefests of 1-0, in overtime.
This week however, something crossed O'Sports Hack's desk that merited posting in the PIGDOME.
It seems that during the Dutch Cup in a snoozefest between AZ Alkmaar and Ajax (don't ask me about the names, it's a Euro thing and I don't understand) an unruly Ajax fan - yes, there are unruly fans in soccer - stormed the field and attacked AZ goalie Esteban Alvarado.
Alvarado in turn, defended himself by administering several swift hard kicks to the attacker.
After the Amsterdam Arena security goons and players seperated the player and the Dutch dork, the goalie, Esteban Alvarado was awarded a red card. That, translated to baseball terms means "Yer Outta Here!"
A Barney FIFA- type soccer referee acting as cop, kicking out a player for defending himself? WTF! What next,will Dutch Dork file criminal charges against the player for merely doing what anyone else would do? I wouldn't be surprised.
The fun didn't stop there. The AZ coach ordered his players off the field in protest, basically saying F**k You to the referee.
The referee contends that Alvarado overreacted with excessive force and stands by his/her decision.
Judging by the photo as far as the goalie goes, he kicked and he scored, right where it counts.
L.A. LAKERS DRAMA DECEMBER 17, 2011
Item: L.A. Lakers Off Season Woes. O'Sports Hack has never made it a secret that he despises the L.A. Lakers and loves anyone, or any team that gets one over on the Lakers, players or fans.
Case in point. Yesterday morning I was doing cartwheels when I heard that his Kobe-ness' gold digging wife filed for divorce.
At first, my question was, why did Golddiggger wait so long? Then the obvious dawned on me. She waited long enough to build up a healthy nest egg for herself, her kids and her tamale peddling family.
Kobe, you're going to get screwed in divorce court, by her confiscating half of your stuff. And since your soon to be ex-wife has no marketable skills and no way to pay for a high priced divorce lawyer, you're getting stuck paying for that tab, too.
On top of that, she's going to take your mansion, AND, Ta-Da, if she never remarries, she gets to take a huge chunk of your NBA pension.
If you're part of the Laker Sucks Nation, all you can say is...
Hey Kobe, you are not a role model, and you deserve what you won't be getting. Now excuse me, I ate a gnarly burritto an hour ago, and I have to make a mad dash to the restroom to take a Kobe.
Case in point, again. The Lakers front office got bent over by making some total buttheaded moves. First, they dump Lamaar Odom in hopes of acquiring Chris Paul, an up and coming star.
That deal was nullified by the League's Commissioner's office. Then, the Ugly Red-Headed Step Child of the Lakers, the L.A. Clippers scooped him up along with Chauncy Billups, making the Clippers the team to watch, as they already have Blake Griffin.
How sweet it is for The Lakers Suck Nation. Tee-Hee.
A PROPERLY-PIGISH SPORTS SURVEY OCTOBER 14, 2011
Since PIGster O'Sports Hack is trapped in computer limbo, it's up to me to fill in for him. This probably isn't YOUR idea of a sports item, and I get that. It is, however, guaranteed to thrill all the beechwood aged sports-a-holics in the PIGdom
Look at all three photos and vote. Choose the best play from the game:
A. Toomer hauls in a 38 yard prayer in the first half:
B. Plaxico Burress hauls in the game winning TD with under a minute to go:
C. Bambi MacAfee signals for a left turn during the pregame show:
Please submit your vote.
Current Poll Results
BASEBALL THEME NIGHTS GONE WILD AUGUST 02, 2011
From time to time in the good old days of professional baseball, a team may come up with one of those "It sounded like a good idea at the time" brainfarts in the form of theme and giveaway nights at the old ballpark.
Example: A team may announce Cap Night, where all fans in attendance will receive a free baseball cap. Sounds harmless enough. Teams have had Bobblehead Night, Pennant Night, even a Back-To-School Night, where all the kiddies get vouchers from the local merchants for their upcoming school year needs.
That's really very generous and downright cool. But, we'll explore some theme nights aka PR Stunts that will have you wondering what were they drinking, smoking, snorting or injecting and/or what voices they were hearing in their heads when they thought of their brand of promoting Major League Baseball.
The following are some most memorable promotional gimmicks that backfired, courtesy of Major League Baseball.
Disco Demolition Night:
Leading off, the All-Time disastrous, coolest and hilarious promotions in baseball was Disco Demolition Night at Comisky Park, home of the Chicago White Sox on July 12, 1979.
The promotion was the brainchild of local DJ Steve Dahl in collaboration with son of White Sox owner, Mike Veeck and involved a .98 cents admission to any fan that brought in any unwanted disco album. (For you younger PIGsters, back in the day, music was recorded on vinyl discs - LPs - and played on record players.) At some point the records would be collected, placed in a large crate in center field, and blown up by Dahl
The White Sox anticipated a crowd of about 12,000, but 90,000 turned up to fill a stadium that has a maximum capacity of 52,000. The event proved so popular that after many fans were turned away, they began climbing the fences to get in and witness the spectacle.
When the crate on the field was filled with records, staff stopped collecting them from spectators, who soon realized that records were shaped like frisbees. Some began to throw their records from the stands during the game, often striking other fans. The fans also threw beer and even firecrackers from the stands.
The event was a double header against the Detroit Tigers, and after the first game ended in a Detroit victory, DJ Steve Dahl who was dressed in army fatigues and helmet and had an entourage of bodyguards appeared in centerfield along with the crateful of Disco records, which was rigged with explosives.
Dahl led the crowd in chants of "disco sucks" and a countdown prior to triggering the explosives. When detonated, the explosives tore a hole in the outfield grass surface and a small fire began burning. Dahl, Shark, and the bodyguards hopped into a jeep which circled the warning track before leaving the field through the right-centerfield exit. Thousands of fans immediately rushed the field. Some lit more fires and started small-scale riots. The batting cage was pulled down and wrecked, and the bases were stolen, along with chunks of the field itself. The crowd, once on the field, mostly wandered around aimlessly, though a number of participants burned banners, sat on the grass or ran from security and police.
As usual, the Killjoy Cops showed up and broke up the good times and festivities.
The American League President forfeited the game to Detroit, and as if blowing up Disco records weren't cool enough, Disco as a musical and cultural genre ended up in the dumpster.
Steve Dahl said in a 2004 interview that disco was a fad "probably on its way out. But I think it hastened its demise".
O'Sports Hack says: Disco sucked then, and always will. God Bless the Chicago White Sox Steve Dahl and Mike Veek for helping to rid America's airwaves and culture of the Disco Plague with The Ka-Boom! Heard Round The World.
The 'Ten Cent Beer Night' Riot:
|HAVE BAT, WILL PUMMELL
|Note the Texas players taking matters and bats into their own hands as a means of protection against a drunken Cleveland mob.
Ten Cent Beer Night was a promotion held by the Cleveland Indians during a game against the Texas Rangers at Cleveland's Municipal Stadium - aka The Mistake By The Lake - June 4, 1974 against the Texas Rangers.
Cleveland had wanted to find a way to increase ticket sales, so they offered 8 oz. cups of Stroh's beer for only ten cents each.
In order to explain the context of the Ten Cent Beer riot, we have to backtrack to one week earlier to May 29, 1974 when the same two teams were involved in a bench clearing brawl at The Rangers' Arlington Stadium which happened to have been promoting a successful Cheap Beer Night of their own.
That game ended in a 3-0 Texas victory and some bad blood between both teams.
Fast forward to Ten Cent Beer Night in Cleveland. The Rangers took an early 5-1 lead.
At this point in the game, the crowd was either wasted or on their way.
Here's some highlights of the fan's participation after drinking much Stroh's.
Stroh's. Friends don't let friends anywhere near Stroh's.
- A woman ran onto the Indians on deck circle and flashed her breasts and tried to kiss the umpire.
- A naked man ran onto the field and slid into second base as Texas' Grieve hit his second home run of the game.
- A father and son ran into the outfield and mooned the fans in the bleachers.
Back to the game, for now. Leron Lee of Cleveland hit a line drive that hit Rangers pitcher Ferguson Jenkins in the stomach, causing him to fall to the ground.
"Hit em' again! Hit em' again! Harder! Harder!"
As the game continued, the fans began throwing hot dogs and spitting at Texas' Mike Hargrove, and tossing fireworks at the Texas dugout.
Texas' Mike Hargrove was also almost hit by a gallon jug of Thunderbird.
In the bottom of the ninth, Cleveland tied the game up at five.
After nine innings of consuming amazing amounts of alcohol, and Stroh's, the situation took a turn for the worse and here is where the stupidity ensues:
In the ninth, a fan tried to steal Rangers player Jeff Burroughs's hat, and confronting the fan, Burroughs tripped and fell to the ground.
The infamous Billy Martin, then manager of Texas believed that Burroughs was attacked, and charged onto the field with his players right behind him, some wielding bats.
According to bleacherreport.com, here's what happened next:
...But most of the intoxicated fans had knives, chains, and portions of the stadium's seats that they had ripped off.
Ken Aspromonte, the manager of the Indians, realizing that some of the Rangers' players lives were in danger, told his players to grab bats and help them out.
Rioters then began throwing folding chairs, one of which hit Cleveland reliever Tom Hilgendorf in the head.
Hargrove was involved in a fist fight with a fan, and had to fight another one when making his way back to the Rangers dugout.
The bases were stolen and never returned, and rioters pelted the players with cups, rocks, bottles, hot dogs, radio batteries, popcorn containers, and the folding chairs.
Umpire Nestor Chylak called the game a forfeit in favor of Texas.
Chylak himself had been cut in the head with a stadium seat, and also suffered a cut in his hand from a flying rock.
Lee McPhail, the American League president said of the game, "There was no question that beer played a part in the riot".
Moral Of The Story: If you're a baseball owner, and are going to promote a Cheap Beer Night, make it anything but Stroh's. No wonder the fans got a little more than pissy.
Free Ball Night
August 10, 1995 was Souvenir Baseball Night at Dodger Stadium. As usual, all fans were given a free baseball.
Baseballs serve three purposes. To be hit, caught or thrown. This night, many were thrown. By the Dodger fans. Onto the field. At the umpires and opposing players.
The shit hit the fan in the bottom of the ninth when Dodger first baseman Eric Karros was called out on strikes in the eight, and in the ninth, belatedly protested to homeplate umpire Jim Quick, who promptly ejected him. Raul Mondesi was at bat and also struck out, protested and also got the boot.
Enter Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda who ran onto the field and in typical Goombah Lasorda fashion, got way hot under the, got in the umpires face and he, too joined Karros and Mondesi for a quality 'Time Out.'
At this point, the Dodger fans began hurling a barrage of souvenir baseballs onto the field, not caring who or what they hit, thus causing a forfeit and a victory for the visiting St. Louis Cardinals
O'Sports Hack lifted the following from dodgerblue.com
First-base umpire Bob Davidson said, "Lasorda instigated the whole damn thing by waving his fat little arms out there. We gave them three chances. Strike three and you're out."
Lasorda was furious when told the umpires blamed him. "How did I instigate it? I was talking to Jim Quick. All I was asking was why he threw my players out," Lasorda said. "We didn't throw the balls. Who made them throw the balls the first time? What the hell did I do? If I don't come out and ask why my players are being thrown out, what kind of a manager am I? That's all I did. I tell you, that is a real crime, for those guys to try to put that blame on me."
Wet T-Shirt Night
Let's end this edition of Whacked Out World Of Sports on a happier, more upbeat note.
Now, all those in attendance in the PIG Dome raise your hands if a good old fashioned Wet T-Shirt contest at a baseball game 'Does it' for you.
Thought so, you horndogged baseball fans.
Such an event did occur at Atlanta's Fulton County Stadium in 1977.
The Braves were cellar dwellers in their division and attendance and ticket sales became an issue.
After many brainstorming sessions,
Atlanta Braves VP of Public Relations Bob Hope, came up with a Wet T-Shirt contest.
Braves owner Ted Turner, yup, THAT Ted Turner wasn't really thrilled with the idea and said, "We're gonna get in big trouble."
Somehow, word got out to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the response was immediate.
Hope said, “Nobody tried to stop us so finally two weeks ahead of time, the Metro Atlanta Christian Council called and wanted to set up a meeting with us,” he says. “We sat down with them and they said we have one request – we’d like you to have it after the game instead of before the game so families can leave. And we’d like to have a judge on the panel.”
“The environment was so crazy,” he recalls with a chuckle. “I’m standing there thinking I’m going to get kicked out of not only the church but I’ll be ostracized by my family.”
Midway through the game, his prayers were nearly answered – literally.
Hope remembers the sky opening up around the third or fourth inning, forcing the grounds crew to bring out the tarp and stopping play for about an hour. In a last ditch effort to save his reputation, Hope headed down to the field level to talk to the umpires about possibly having them cancel the game.
“They said no, we’re not gonna call it because we’re not going to be here when you guys have this again,” he says. “(They reminded me that) people bought tickets and they didn’t buy them to see a game.”
During the rain delay, many fans headed for the beer line, and as a consequence,
interest in participating in the contest continued to grow.
Chicago Cubs right fielder, Bobby Murcer was watching who was registering for the Wet T-Shirt contest. Along comes an easy fly ball, but Murcer missed it because he was watching the contestants. He gets the ball, throws it in the infield, goes back to watching the girls register.
What Hope does remember in great detail is how the contest itself went down. 43 participants signed up to get hosed down that night, all vying for the attention and affection of the 30 or so judges and thousands of fans who stayed late to take part in the first – and only – wet t-shirt contest ever to take place at a big league ballpark.
“The players were still in uniform and they were sitting like little Indians just watching the activities going on,” Hope says.
“The girl who won turned out to be the daughter of a Methodist minister and he raised holy Hell because he claimed it ruined her chances of becoming a Senator someday and he was going to sue us,” Hope says. “She was 24 years old so she was old enough to know what she was doing.”
But according to Hope, that was about the worst of the repercussions the team suffered. Well that and a stern – yet strangely understanding – letter from Commissioner Bowie Kuhn.
“The last line of the letter said if I had a team to promote that was as bad as your team, I only hope that I would have enough nerve to do the kind of things you guys are doing,” Hope said with a laugh.
O’Sports Hack’s Closing Notes:
Baseball is the fans game, and in the instances mentioned above, and many more, the fans did have a proactive, hands on (except for the Wet T-Shirt Contest – pun intended) experience, and even had a hand in the outcome of some of the games.
Major League Baseball teams need to turn back the clock and take note of what was filling seats with fun loving, enthusiastic die-hard, over the edge fans in the good old days with events guaranteed to make the 6 o’clock news and those late night 'Don't try this at home' sports shows that feature memorable clips and classic blasts from the past.
Whether the teams are promoting blowing up Disco records (I’m in), all you Can Drink Beer Night (anything but Stroh’s, please), or just chillin’ with a Wet T- Shirt contest, (Next time, I get to be a judge), the baseball experience needs to get fun, and fast.
Whether you agree or disagree with edgy promotional gimmicks and pranks, you have to admit, these were all still memorable years later.
GOLFING FACTS JULY 24, 2011
LITTLE KNOWN GOLFING FACTS:
The Law of Physics states it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf, then at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does to become a brain surgeon.
IDENTITY CRISIS, LeBRON JAMES JOKES JUNE 30, 2011
Item #1: Ron Artest, The New Poster Child For Peace And Harmony? WTF!
Ron Artest of the Lousy, Larcenous, Lice Infested L.A. Lakers wants to legally change his name to Metta World Peace.
World Peace, huh? This load, from a player who was suspended in 2004 for 73 games and $7,000,000 in salary loss due to him climbing into the stands and pummeling a fan because his high priced ego suffered a boo-boo for being heckled?
News Flash, Mr. World Peace. Those fans that were assaulted by you paid hard earned money out of their pockets that got pumped into your ever expanding bank account.
World Peace? From an over priced NBA hitman that was suspended again during the recent playoff series for administering a real flagrant cheap shot of an elbow to an opposing players head, causing a concussion?
Mr. Metta World Peace, you clearly signed up for the wrong sport. With your violent tendencies, you should have joined the NHL.Those guys would like to have some dark meat like you on the ice with them.
Go ahead tough guy, demonstrate some World Peace with those guys and see how long you last.
Name change suggestion for Mr. Metta World Peace. A name like Mega World War would be more appropriate.
Memo to Mr. World Peace: Step away from the basketball court, and society in general, grab the meds you need and your blanky or teddy bear, sit in a dark corner and suck your thumb, because, really, you are good at sucking...anything.
PIG's Sportsdome will be more than willing to fit you with an extra-large dunce cap and extra small jockstrap, Mr. "World Peace."
Item #2: "King James" Taken Down A Notch...Or Two
Q: Why didn't Lebron go to college...
A: He wouldn't show up for the Finals...
Wife: I want to name our son LeBron James...
Husband: I don't like it. It just doesn't have a ring to it....
FINALLY JUNE 16, 2011
|The Boston Bruins finally brought home the Stanley Cup after a 39 year drought.
They took the series to seven games, fought hard and in game 7, shutout the Phucking, Non-Pucking Vancouver Canucks in a 4-0 victory.
Congratulations, Boston. You earned it.
Now, that was the Sports report. Ready for the PIGish part where it gets fun?
Immediately after the Canucks loss, way less than happy, actually, more like FUBAR fans, took to the streets of Vancouver and mayhem ensued.
The tipping and torching of cars, stabbings and riot police are all standard issue and just another day at the office those sore loser hockey puck Canuck fans.
That's what I call a riot.
Lesson to be learned by soccer hooligans and Lametard Lousy Laker fans. Next time you want to riot, take notes of what Canuck fans did and do it right, they did.
Burning Question time: What The Phuck Is A Canuck?
DIRKED JUNE 14, 2011
The Dallas Mavericks entered basketball's realm of royalty for the first time in team history by beating the Miami Heat and their Big Three and taking their hard earned trophy home.
Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks, but the PiGish fun activities start right about...now.
After Dallas' Dirk Nowitzski went tool shed on Miami, won the series MVP, Dallas owner Mark Cuban whipped out his wallet and checkbook and treated his entire team and staff to a postgame victory night out.at a Miami nightclub.
If you want to know why this is even remotley Sportsdome Worthy, here it goes.
Mavericks most generous and flamboyant owner Mark Cuban intentionally took his his team to the same nightclub where LeBron James' mother was busted by cops some time back
How, 'In Your Face Cool' is that.?'
Memo to Loser LeBron: You already know that you are the Benedict Arnold of the NBA for selling out of Cleveland, you continually drop the ball when it's crunch time and your arrogant attitude and statements have you take yourself down not a few, but a lot of notches in the basketball court of public opinion.
Enough about him.
This is the Dallas Maverick's moment.They won, and congratulations, Dallas, you earned it.
For any further updates on the NHL Stanley Cup postings, scroll down.
FINGERED - UPDATED JUNE 15, 2011
The 'Lovefest' between the Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks just got really hot and steamy in Game 3 in Boston during the Stanley Cup Finals.
Boston, down 2-0 in the series, returning to their home ice in Beantown, dropped the hammer on the Canucks with an 8-1 victory spanking.
Talk about sending a message. But, that's only the tip of the iceberg.
The drama, friction, animosity, and, oh, the fighting and fingering ( Who woulda thunk in a hockey game?) started in Game One.
Here's the run down.
Game One: Canuck's Alex Burrows winger bit the finger of Boston's Patrice Bergeron.
Game Two: Gets better. Canucks Maxim Lapierre put his finger in Bergeron's face in an attempt to get any Boston Bruin to bite them back.
Game Three: This is sweet retribution time for Boston...in Boston. The Canuck's Aaron Rome issued a blind sided cheap shot to Boston's Nathan Horton, rendering a season ending concussion and having him put on a stretcher and taken to the nearest hospital
Wait! It gets better. The Canucks Aaron Rome is suspended for the remainder of the series, which means he's lost his chance to toss his cookies in the coveted Stanley Cup, if they win.
Over, yet? Not by a slap shot.
It seems as if the Boston Bruins had an ax to grind with the Vancouver Canucks, and it got personal. Waaaaaay personal.
First, the Bruins scored 8, count 'em 8 goals in their game 3 massacre.
Second. Boston approached that game with a "Live by the finger, die by the finger" attitude. Every time there was a fight on the ice, Boston players went Three Stooges on the Canucks by poking their eyes, in a 'Back at ya spirit.'
When I watched that game, I really didn't know if I was watching an Extreme Fighting match, a hockey game, or a combination of Animal House/Three Stooges episode.
Are these two teams playing for face off time? No. Seems more like fuck off time, on ice.
Update: Game 4 in Boston involved even more payback.
Pre-game festivities involved Boston Bruin revered legend and Hall Of Famer, Bobby Orr taking the ice and waving a banner, which not only inspired the team but the fans in attenance who went apeshit at the mere thought of being in the same room with Bobby Orr.
The Bruins went on to tie the series at 2-2, by shutting out and administering more bitch slapping and revenge on the Canucks in the form of a 4-0 home ice payback victory.
Psst. Hey Boston. Don't get mad, because you're already even, just go out with a Fuck & Puck The Canucks winning spirit attitude.
Update: Game 5 was a hard fought snooze fest in a 1-0 Vancouver victory, but Game 6 was something else. Boston came out roaring like the Bruins they are by scoring 4 goals in 4 minutes in the first period. They went on to win and tie the series at three games apiece.
Lord Stanley, in Hockey Heaven, must be drooling over this year's competition.
PILLOW FIGHTING, ARMCHAIR QUARTEBACKS MAY 26, 2011
Item #1: Pillow Fighting: With the NFL lockout on the horizon, it seems that some folks are getting very creative with their sports diversions.
Case in point? Pillow Fighting.
There is a Pillow Fighting League which does and doesn't work on several levels.
Why It Works: Before you get done scratching your head, wondering why, think about it.
First, yes it is a contact sport, but nobody gets hurt and have to go on the disabled list.
Second. It beats female mud wrestling while watching hotties in their Victoria Secret uniforms whack each other out with pillows during a 'Girl's Night Out' slumber party. I suppose that hurts...not.
Those are the reasons why The Pillow Fighting League are cool.
Now, why they suck.
They didn't invite O'Sports Hack to participate in, or even referee, which is leading me to MY pillow, to which I will cradle and regret the career that could have been as a professional Pillow Fighter.
Suggestion: Introduce Pillow Fighting as an Olympic sport. We all know the Olympic commitee and networks can use all the help they can get.
Item #2: Armchair Quarterback A-Holes: We all know hypercritical sports-aholic A-Hole's, who never even swung a whiffle bat, tossed a Nerf Ball, caught a frisbee, or even win a Chinese Checkers match, yell at their TV when a player on "their" team bobbles the ball, misses a shot or strikes out.
Starting to get the picture?
They're the ones that sink into their Laz-E-Boy recliners on the weekend and critique every move every player makes. They're the annoying know-it-all's that think they could have done better.
Is the description of this type of character starting to ring a bell, yet?
Thought so. But if not they can also be spotted in public at baseball, football, basketball tennis and even Little League venues.
Now I know, that you know the type of Sports A-Hole that lurk among us.They can cite and quote anything from a player's shoes size and cup size to his professional stats.
Words of advice to Sports A-Holes.Stand up, step away from the beer and TV remote, lace up those dusty tennis shoes, grab a bat, ball, hockey stick, boxing gloves or tennis gear and see how well you fare.
So, Sports-A-Holes/Nerds, until you've faced some real chin music, sit down, shut up and pass me my beer, peanuts and crackerjacks, A-Hole.
You're not worthy. But the consolation award is that you get to sit in waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cheap seats, conveniently located in the parking lot.
RANDY 'MACHO MAN' SAVAGE, HARMON KILLEBREW MAY 22, 2011
Item #1: Randy "Macho Man" Savage A full nelson stranglehold and life's double leg scissor lock had Randy "Macho Man" Savage tap out of life's squared circle.for the last time due to a fatal car accident.
Savage was a famous WWF wrestler who did battle with the best of the best.From Hulk Hogan, Andre The Giant to Coco Beware, and anyone in between, Savage had the nads to administer double body slams and metal folding chairs to any and all challengers...with fury.
Always escorted into the ring with his lovely and hormone stirring sidekick, Elizabeth, Savage routinely made mince meat out of any one foolish enough to get in the ring with him, Hence the moniker, "Macho Man."
In case you don't know who he was, after his wrestling career, Savage did TV commercials for Slim Jim Beef Jerky, where he would take a bite off of one and use his trademark wrestling slogan and say, "Oooooooooooooooooooh Yeah."
Mr. Savage, thanks for inspiring and entertaining wrestling and Slim Jim Jim lovers everywhere.
R.I.P and "Oooooooooooooooooooh Yeah." you modern day Tarzan.
Item #2: Harmon Killebrew: The last of a certain breed of baseball players hanged up his cleats and left the dugout for the last time when Hall Of Famer Harmon Killebrew passed recently.
Killebrew, didn't slug, didn't hit, but launched 573 home runs during his stellar career.
Nicknamed "Killer" or "Hammerin' Harmon" he gained the respect of opposing pitchers and teamates alike.
Hey Harmon. If you ever catch one of those balls you launched into the next galaxy, do O'Sports Hack a favor, toss an autographed ball and bat on my front lawn.
Rest in peace and rest assured, that ball and bat will have a permanent in O'Sports Hacks fireplace mantle, slugger.
Mr. Killebrew, your name rhymes with something we here in the PIGDome do on occasion...Kill A Brew.
Might just do that in your memory and honor.
DOUBLE BARELLED LIP FLAP; BARRY BONDS : APRIL 17, 2011
Item #1: Kobe Bryant's Lip Flapping: It seems that all-time A-Wipe, Kobe Bryant did some lip flapping that had him landing him in some hot water, again.
|SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT...
|...sometimes you don't, huh Kobe, especially to the the tune of $100,000?
What did he do? He called an NBA referee a " Fucking Faggot" and got fined $100, 000.
Chump change for him, I suppose, but not his high maintenance wife, who once she got done with her adding machine figured Kobe's slip of the tongue cost her a monthly maintenance fee on the Bentley he bought her when he got busted for cheating on her.
Sorry for the digression from the real issue, Kobe Bryant, as a professional basketball player, who is looked up to by countless, naive kids, slam dunking a referee with Double-F Bombs on a televised game.
Calling a referee a "Fucking Faggot" in public? Kobe, your'e lucky the dude you called a "Fucking Faggot" didn't challenge your manhood with a personal invitation for a one-on-one session in the parking lot after the game, with his little friend, Mr. Crowbar.
But the real issue isn't just Kobe's poor choice of words and lack of professionalism. It's the "Damage Control"/"I'm Sorry"/ "And I Promise, I Won't Do It Again" facade of an apology tour you and the Lakers are going on to save your professional ass...again.
The real issue is the the GLAAD-BAAGER's that seized this opportunity of your public display of poor choice of words to use you as a whipping boy for their cause.
Kobe, boy, you caved, folded and sold out to a "Special Rights" watchdog group. If you really meant what you said by calling someone a "Fucking Faggot" why didn't you prove it to everyone your "Gayness" orientation, according to you, by bending over, or better yet, getting on your knees and open wide.
Oh well, when high priced athletes get away with going potty mouth towards other's it really just prove's, some animals are more equal than others., because Kobe, your'e going to come out of this smelling like...well, in your words, "A Fucking Faggot."
Wait, wait, wait Kobe-ster, we don't want you to stomp away mad with your microscopic jockstrap $100, 000 light from The PIGDome due to what we said. We just want you to, really, go away, lick your wounds and really, kiss all the GLAAD-BAAG ass you can.
Item #2: More Lip-Flapping, Barry Bonds Style: This week, a Non-O.J, Non-L.A.. Style jury found Barry Bonds guilty of perjury for lying under oath regarding his "alleged" steroid use.
Bonds, you screwed the pooch, big damn time, by allowing your fans to witness the massive growth of your head, ego and salary on your body in your quest for being the All-Time Home Run King.
Your personal stats, (without steroids) really equal you to what many would regard as medicore.
But with those 'Roids, man, Barry you really knocked a lot out of the park, huh, killer?
Hey, Mr. Bonds, we're not going to ask, "Say It Isn't So." Because we know it is.
We want to know, WTF are you going to say to Hammerin' Hank Aaron?
Better yet, your new cellmates at the Federal Pen you'll be calling home for the the next 15 months?
You may want to put in a special request for the Michael Vick suite.
In a final note, if Babe Ruth could hit 714 home runs on nothing but beer and hot dogs, and Hank Aaron could surpass Ruth's record, steroid free, as basically a toothpick of a physical specimen that played with nothing but raw talent, but you went and epitomized the dark cloud of disgrace that hovers over baseball, all in the name of fat paychecks, gate receipts, and personal gain, by cheating and lying.
TEAM SPIRIT - LONGHORN STYLE: APRIL 10, 2011
Have you ever wondered why the University Of Texas 'Longhorn' logo is so popular?
Could it be because of this...
.Well, duh! Now you know.
HELL-A HOME TEAM HOSPITALITY: APRIL 09, 2011
Putting The 'Hell' In Hell-A:
|DODGER STADIUM PARKING
Wanna make $150,000? Simply put on your Deputy Dawg cap and look for 2 male Hispanics with shaved heads between the ages of 18-24 wearing Dodger gear, seen in the Dodger Stadium parking lot the night of the assault.
Two male Hispanics with shaved heads between the ages of 18 and 25 in Los Angeles? Well, that ought to really narrow it down, huh?
Happy hunting, baseball fans.
The age old baseball rivalry between the Dodgers and Giants fans took a swan dive into the depths of the The Hall Of Shame of poor taste and extreme cowardice. Two punks, posing as Dodger fans sunk lower than the low-life larcenous L.A. Laker fans in post game criminal activity by beating sensleless a San Francisco Giant fan after the Dodger's season opener in the Dodger Stadium parking lot.
The victim of the beating, Bryan Stow, 42, remains in critical condition and in a medically induced coma as a result of his beating, while his assailants remain at large.
The incident happened after the Dodger's 2-1 victory over the hated Giants as Stow and two friends were heading for a taxi when two A-Holes wearing Dodger gear started giving Stow a hard time because he happened to be wearing Giant's gear.
The usual drunken words were exchanged, which then lead to a physical confrontation between the two parties, leaving Stow with a massive skull fracture when his head hit the pavement after being cold-cocked from behind. Add to that, one of the Tough-Guys-At-Large then kicked Stow while he was down before scampering away.
The public outcry from Los Angeles and San Francisco has been so great, that The Los Angeles Dodgers, San Francisco Giants, Stowe's employer, the L.A. City Council and even radio host Tom Leykis have ponied up a $150,000 reward for the arrest and conviction of the cowardly scum that put a stain on baseball.
The Dodger's went a step further by beefing up security at the stadium by opening their deep pockets to the L.A.P.D. to act as enforcers at upcoming home games.
Since baseball is "The Fan's Game," I'll go a step further and propose "Fan Participation and Pinata Night" at Dodger Stadium.
All fans in attendance are issued regulation size baseball bats to be used on the two pieces of shit that assaulted Stow, and are to be beaten like cheap pinata's.
Rules: One swing on each suspect per participating fan, and they better make it count. At this point, I would suggest a shot to the nads, but these two steaming loads don't have any.
Better yet, transport the two skivvie stains up to a San Francisco Giants game, parade them past the spectators wearing nothing but Dodger gear, and let Giant fans administer their own form of retribution.
We wish Mr. Stow a complete and speedy recovery, but have to ask, "WTF were you thinking? Wearing a San Francisco Giants jersey to a Dodger game?" That's like running through hell in a gasoline suit with a Giant (pun intended) 'Kick Me!' sign on your back, dude.
TIGER'S NEW CAREER : APRIL 06, 2011
Several months ago, we ran a little blurb here in the Sportsdome about Tiger Woods sporting a peachfuzz-like goatee.(Scroll down to August 09, 2010)
With his new look, we thought he was in the middle of an image make over as some sort of wannabe bad ass.
Now that Tiger Woods has successfully shit canned his golf game and name, he has found new life career-wise by cashing in on his new image by endorsing and lending his name and likeness to some of the following:
TWO SAINTS SEASON TICKETS FOR SALE!: MARCH 20, 2011
2 Saints Season Tickets For Sale !
I have 2 New Orleans Saints season tickets for sale.
My wife doesn't want to attend any more of their games as she doesn't like the person who sits in the seat next to us.
I've attached a picture with the view from the seats.
Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.
Current Bid: $6,500 each.
RUNNING FOR GLAZED GLORY HOLES : MARCH 06, 2011
Years ago, there was an old ad campaign for Camel cigarettes whose slogan was "I'de walk a mile for a Camel."
Very clever and very successful.
Now, some enterprising and charitable students at the University Of North Carolina came up with the Krispy Kreme Challenge.
It goes as such. Would you run 4 miles for a dozen donuts in the Krispy Kreme Challenge?
The Krispy Kreme Challenge involves contestants to run - for charity - 2 miles one way, eat a dozen donuts, turn around, and run 2 miles back and the winner donates the winnings to a certain charitable oraginazation.
Quite cool, but the Krispy Kreme Challenge chickened out by not inviting Hambo.
Do you know how fast he can run when he knows donuts are involved? Oh, and if he knows that pizza and beer are awaiting him at the finish line, well, all bets are off. He'll win, hands down.
All kidding aside, the Krispy Kreme Challenge seems like a great event and all proceeds go to a great cause.
WELCOME TO MR. RODGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD: FEBRUARY 08, 2011
|With the Green Bay Packers grabbing Superbowl glory, and all that goes with it, a hearty two thumbs up goes out the man that stepped out of Brett Favre's shadow and went gladiator on the Pittsburgh Steelers, Aaron Rodgers.
Who is Aaron Rodgers? O'Sports Hack doesn't really know, except that he is the man of the hour for Green Bay Packer Cheesehead fans and Superbowl MVP for smelting down Big Ben Roethlisberger and his Steelers.
What Mr. Rodgers did on Superbowl Sunday and throughout the season was nothing short of miraculous.
First, he was unheard of and practically untested, yet led his underdog team into the playoffs...and beyond, to the ultimate end zone.
Second, during the Superbowl, he threw for 302 passing yards which is impressive enough. However, considering he has a cannon of an arm and his recievers couldn't handle it when he rifled the rock in their direction by dropping passes, he could have totally cremated the Steelers.
Why is this noteworthy? Let's gather round, loosen those jockstraps and take a trip down the NFL's Superbowl Memory Lane.
The first two Superbowls were won by the Green Bay Packers, led by legendary coach, Vince Lombardi, for whom the coveted Lombardi Trophy is named for, and is awarded to the team that achieves Superbowl victory, which Green Bay did...again.
So, all in all, with a Superbowl victory, a bright future on the horizon, it really is a beautiful day in Mr. Aaron Rodgers' neighborhood.
Congratulations Mr. Rodgers. O'Sports Hack thinks the 'Tom Brady Is A Hunk And Superstar' era is over (and the Patriots are my team), and the torch has been passed to you.
Carry that torch and trophy well and enjoy your success in your new neighborhood, Mr. Rodgers.
THE ICE CREW POSTED: FEBRUARY 04, 2011
Everyone wondered why the Chicago Black Hawks recently sold their Zamboni.
Here’s your answer.
Love the names on the back of their jerseys!
Pull a Hat Trick by saying it fast 3 times, you'll get it.
SUPERBOWL XLV PRE-GAME FESTIVITIES POSTED: FEBRUARY 03, 2011
Item: Stripping The Night Away: If your'e expecting the usual dry as a stale saltine cracker, standard issue of the cut and dried pre-game Superbowl reports as seen on TV, your'e on the wrong site, sportsfan.
If you want to read about a little flavor in this Sports Report, you may consider grabbing as many crumpled up one dollar bills as possible and head to Dallas, Texas, the site of this year's Superbowl.
Seems as if some very forward thinking entrepreneur's in the Dallas-Forth Worth area, knowing and anticipating the influx of Superbowl fans that will be invading Dallas with lots of money to burn, have put out a help wanted classified ad for their local businesses.
How nice. Wanna know what type of employment opportunities are being offered for Superbowl weekend?
The chance to be a stripper. That's right, football and pole dancing fans. Strippers of the naked persuasion are needed to entertain hormonally enhanced, under the influence members of the male persuasion.
They have an open call for 10,000 strippers for Superbowl weekend. Maybe longer.
Memo to all ladies that want a healthy workout AND get paid by beer soaked suckers, O'Sport's Hack says catch that Hail Mary pass of an opportunity, and run though the end zone and all the way to the bank with your hard earned booty.
You go, girls. And we'll see you at the 'Tailgate Party' in uniform, right?
THE PASSING OF A FITNESS PIONEER POSTED: JANUARY 24, 2011
|The passing of fitness pioneer, Jack Lalanne marked the end of a "Can-Do" era, and the absence of one hell of a man that was way ahead of his time.
Before there were trendy, fly-by-night fad diets, aerobics, Tai-Bo, Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda's workout tapes, (yuk), there was Jack Lalanne.advocating healthy eating, and excerise for overall health with his TV show.
He called himself a former pimply faced junk food junkie that, as a teenager, tossed the Twinkies aside and got involved in bodybuilding and sculpting his body to the superior physical specimen he was throughout his life.
What makes him PIGDome-Worthy is the fact that he had no problem calling out parents and school systems shoving fat, and fast food down unsuspecting children's throats, and turning our nation's youth into a generation of fat, lumpy, lazy, brain dead couch potatoes.
Mr. Lalanne, I vividly remember watching you on TV as a little squirt, and followed along with your jumping jacks and powder blue jump suits and other exercises, and you influenced many people in your 96 years.
The epitome of health, diet, nutrition, and overall good living, Jack Lalanne has locked up his gym for the final time.
P.S. - When I get where you are, are you going to make me drop and give you 20?
FLEABAGS POSTED: JANUARY 05, 2011
The Michael Vick-Dom 'Hood
It's stop the presses time here in the PIGDome, or in this case, the doghouse.
It seems as if The Messiah has promoted renowned dog fighting promoter, torturer and sadistic dog murderer, Michael Vick to Apostle status by endorsing the Philadelphia Eagles decision in supporting and employing the former felon, dog killer and parolee, Michael Vick. with a "second chance."
Wow, sportsfans! Only in an Obama Amerika can someone worthy of living under a rock and having Dog Killer status, be praised by the Pirate-In-Chief, such as Michael Vick.
What's really infuriating, yet PIG-worthy is the fact that the Race Card Retards, our old friends at the N.A.A.C.P. supported Pussy-In-Chief Obama's decision to "forgive" and praise Vick's employers.
Just wondering. Where's Je$$e and $harpton? Maybe even they have some redemptive qualities by not weighing in.
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ain't gonna happen, because there ain't no Benjamins involved, so don't count on hearing a peep out of them.
But, just wondering. Is the N.A.A.C.P. taking a German Shepard sized bite out Vick's lucrative paycheck's in return for some P.R. work and their "Second Chance Because He's Black And Paid His Debt To Society" crusade?
That's a Kibble And Bits issue compared to what Barak "Alpo" Obama did by not throwing a penalty flag on Vick, but instead, granted him some yardage in the field of morality. Talk about the mercifulness of The One, but, O'Sports Hack has to ask, would Obama be so forgiving as to allow Vick to trust and take his own daughter's beloved pet dog for a walk?
The PIGDome surmises that some animal killers and fleabags are more equal than others.
CLIFF LEE, INC., DANDY DON, RON SANTO, GRATITUDE vs INGRATITUDE
POSTED: DECEMBER 14, 2010
Item # 1: Cliff Lee, Inc.
The City Of Brotherly Love just showed how brotherly and loving they are by signing free agent southpaw pitcher Cliff Lee to a 5 year, $120,000,000 contract.
Holy Smoking Samoleans.
Cliff Lee was the most sought after baseball free agent this off season and just anchored an already stellar Philadelphia Phillie pitching staff.
I already know what your'e thinking, "Why, O'Sports Hack, is this PIGDome worthy, it's just another baseball player that signed a contract on $teroids?"
This story gets way better.
Cliff Lee, Inc. was courted by many teams, among them, the Evil Empire of baseball, the Yucky Yankees.
The Yankees were willing to open their checkbook to the tune of $154,000,000 for 6 years, to which Mr. Lee declined. In doing so, and agreeing to a chump change $34,000,000 reduction in salary, Cliff Lee shoved their offer back in the Yankees face, along with a huge slice of shit filled humble pie.
Good for you, Cliff Lee.
The other back alley twist to the Cliff Lee, Inc. signing was that my beloved Boston Red Sox also made him an offer that he obviously refused, but the Bosox had already made some high priced, low profile off season signings of their own, making them the American League East favorites.
Back to Cliff Lee, Inc. Cliff, buddy, pal, if you're ever in my neck of the woods and $34,000,000 means nothing to you, well Cliff (my new best friend) could you find it in your most benevolent heart to have a 1963 Dino Ferrari delivered to my home with a lifetime deal with the Swedish Bikini Team gals to wash, wax and detail it on a daily basis?
What's that? You said no to O'Sports Hack's request. I knew so in advance, my new ex-non-friend, so I'll say this. I hope the Boston Red Sox meet you in the World Series and deny you of any baseball bling by snatching victory from you and your Phillie teamates.
By the way, what the phuck is a Phillie?
Item # 2: Dandy Don Meredith:
Legendary Dallas Cowboy quarterback and Monday Night Football broadcaster Don Meredith has passed on.
He was known for his folksy, down to earth personality as a player and broadcaster, and was beloved not just by Dallas fans, but pretty much by everybody for his toughness, honesty and down home sense of humor.
After retiring from the NFL, he became one of Monday Night Football's original commentators alongside of Howard Cosell.
If, during a game, one team was being administered a severe ass kicking and getting trounced, Dandy Don was famous for saying and singing, "Turn out the lights, the party's over."
Well Dan, for us that survived you, the lights are out down here with you not being here to grace us with your charm, wit and humor.
But something tells me, the lights are on and the party's just starting in that Great Gridiron In The Sky.
R.I.P. Dandy Don, you'll be missed.
Item #3: Ron Santo
Windy City baseball fans suffered a huge loss with former Chicago Cub third baseman, Ron Santo passing away at age 70 from complications from diabetes.
With his stellar defensive prowess with fellow Cubbie infielder Ernie "Let's Play Two" Banks, Ron Santo was part of a deadly, most effective double play combination.
Ron, you never got to grab that brass ring of World Series glory, but you played your ass off and acted a true gentleman and ambassador of baseball by grabbing the hearts and affections of Chicago Cub fans with your stellar defensive play.
Chi-Town lost a great one. Baseball lost a great one. And more importantly, the world lost a great one.
But, know this. The Big Fella needed a dude like you to defend that third bag in His Diamond In The Sky.
R.I.P. Ron. You were smarter than the average Cub.
Item #4: Ingratitude
Blamism is alive and well with Buffalo Bills wide reciever, Stevie Johnson.
Seems as if the ball HE dropped in an overtime, last minute Hail Mary pass that was in his hands and in the end zone almost assuring and cementing certain victory was not his fault, at least in his mind.
It was God's fault, according to him.
But HE dropped the ball, not just physically but publicly, (As seen on TV)
Well, shit happens and you get over it. Pick up the ball and get yo' damn ass back to the line 'O scrimmage Sambo and try again, right?
But not Stevie Johnson.
Seems as if in a post game interview and Twitter message, according to him, the dropped pass wasn't his fault, it was God's.
Blaming God for your mistake, huh?
I suppose for creatures like him, that were blessed to make it to the NFL with a lucrative contract, that just isn't enough, so, we'll let his own words do the talking.
His Twitter meltdown goes as follows:
After the dropped catch, Johnson was inconsolable. "I had the game in my hands and I dropped it," Johnson said. He added "He'll never ever get over it. Ever." Johnson didn't stop at blaming himself for the drop, but he went to twitter to blame the All Mighty.
Johnson's tweet read "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
If you want to play that blame game, well why don't you trade in your XXX-small, microscopic jockstrap in for a Lingerie Football League uniform.
They're always looking for a few good ladies, and you would fit right in.
Now, ballerina boy, next time you drop a pass in the end zone, take a good long look at what IS NOT between your legs. The set of Nads you lost when you blamed God for your butterfingered buffoonery and lametard lipflapping evaporated with your blatant blamism.
Good news though, Blamo. Next time you actually do experience end zone ecstacy by scoring and not dropping the ball, you can redeem yourself by not doing the traditional, in your face end zone dance, but come clean and come out of the closet by doing a pirioutte, ballerina style.
In short, and to quote the late Bea Arthur, "God is gonna get you for this."
And PIGDomers, that load of shit leads us to the following story.
Item #5: Gratitude
This report burns my biscuits and really scrapes the icing off of my cupcakes.
Seems as if High School football player, running back Ronnie Hastie was flagged and penalized for doing the unspeakable after plowing into the end zone with a touchdown run.
The unspeakable act and flagged penalty was considered unsportsmanlike conduct for excessive celebratory actions, according to a fag...oops, I mean flag throwing nadless referee.
What, PIGDomers, was the unspeakable end zone antic that caused a 15 yard penalty?
Was it a Neon Dieon Sanders style dance?
Was it a Billy 'White Shoes' Johnson style tap dance?
No. It wasn't even a Mr Bojangles style of overt celebratory activity.
Adjust your jockstraps while I do the same and reveal the henious act that young Mr. Hastie did.
He...gasp, dropped to one knee, pointed to the sky and thanked his Lord in gratitude for his good fortune and talent.
Wow! That's practilally felonious!
How did that referee know what he was doing? Maybe he had a knee problem, wanted some relief, perhaps saw a bird overhead and pointed to it?
Here is the wire story which does more justice than O'Sports Hack's feeble attempt at sports reporting:
Sports and religion clashed at the State High School Football playoffs in Tacoma Monday night. During the 2A semifinal game between East Valley and Tumwater one of the stars of the game got flagged for doing something millions of Americans do every day.
Like he's done so many times this season, Tumwater star running back Ronnie Hastie powered his way into the end zone then dropped to a knee and pointed to the sky.
"It's just something I do every time I get in the end zone to honor my Lord cause I play for him, I give him the glory cause he's the one that gives me the strength," said Hastie.
Except this time, the referee flagged Hastie for unsportsmanlike conduct, a 15 yard penalty and the fans were peeved.
"I think it was a pretty lousy call I think it's just a game, even if it is a prayer it should go on."
According to the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association's rules players cannot draw attention to themselves. So, when Hastie scored and raised his hand to heaven the refs said he was doing just that.
Hastie was humble about the call, "I was just confused cause I've done it every game and then I got flagged for it, I learned now so."
Even Tumwater's Head Coach Sid Otton believes the refs probably got the call right.
"If it's a rule and they made it then I agree with it because it's in there. I admire the young man. He's a great player, great person off the field too," said Otton.
The 15 yard penalty did not affect the outcome of the game, Tumwater still won big time, but one Tumwater fan told us it's legal to pray in his city in the end zone, but apparently not in Tacoma.
"Well, I thought it was pretty crummy that kids can't give thanks in public."
We tried to ask the WIAA about what happened but were told the Organization doesn't comment on calls. The reality is a penalty is a judgment call by the refs.
Hastie says the next time he scores a touchdown this season he plans to play by the rules.
"I'll change it for the team cause they are the most important we don't want the penalty so," said Hastie.
Thanks to their win, Tumwater will play Archbishop Murphy in the 2A State Championship on Saturday at the Tacoma Dome.
Only in Kurrent Day Korrectnik Amerika would something like this raise eyebrows. Suppose that was a black or Muslim player doing the exact same thing and got the same penalty flag? Wouldn't you predict a religious discrimination lawsuit?
If I had gotten a 15 yard penalty for dropping to a knee in gratitude to my Creator, I would have made every one of those 15 yards REALLY count by spiking the football directly off the face of that flag throwing fag referee, do some cartwheels and sumersaults to the bench and take my impending suspension, knowing I got the last laugh, retribution and satisfaction, heh, heh.
Score one for political correctness. They won that battle, but the war is far from over.
Here's a link to this horror story:
>>> Flagged >>>
SPARKY ANDERSON, THE IMMACULATE DECPETION | POSTED: NOVEMBER 23, 2010
Item #1: Sparky Anderson
We lost a great one recently in the passing of Sparky Anderson.
Don't know who he is? Well, gather 'round Little Leaguers as we'll embark on a little baseball history lesson.
Let's get crayon ready and take notes.
Sparky Anderson helped assemble and manage what baseball fans consider one of the greatest teams of all time with the Cincinnati Reds in the 1970's, aka The Big Red Machine.
With his leather worn face, premature gray hair and gritty voice, he assumed position of Skipper of the Red's by engineering two World Series titles against my beloved Red Sox in 1975, and repeated by giving the Yucky Yankees a high, hard one, courtesy of the Big Red Machine in 1976.
With the talent he inherited as manager with players like Johnny Bench, Joe Morgan, Tony Perez, George Foster, Davey Conception, and even Pete Rose, Sparky Anderson was the George Patton of baseball, bulldozing anything in his path with his team.
No wonder, with a Hall Of Fame roster like that, they were nicknamed The Big Red Machine and earned that name and reputation, with Sparky at the helm.
Sparky Anderson didn't stop there. He went on to Detroit, where he took a young Tiger's team by the tail, and led them to the promised land with another championship, making him the only manager in baseball history to earn his right to experience the thrill of ultimate victory in both the National and American Leagues.
Not a bad resume, professionally, and judging by the way his former players regarded and revered him, the man was a personal favorite, as well.
Sparkster, The Good Lord gave you the call to manage in the ultimate Big League, not some Pee Wee tee ball team, but, since you are there, can you ask The General Manager, what's up with the damn Dodgers?
Mr. Anderson, rest in peace, and know that you left a hell of a legacy as being one tough act to follow.
Item #2: The Immaculate Deception
If you're a true football fan, you can recall a play that what is called the Immaculate Reception, considered the greatest fluke/miracle play in football history.
If you don't know what the Immaculate Reception was, well, O'Sports Hack hopes those crayons are still in sharp mode as we gather in the locker room and take notes.
Quarterback Terry Bradshaw of the Pittsburgh Steelers in a last minute desparation play, went Hail Mary, tossing a bullet to his intended receiver. Their opponents, the Oakland Raiders had different ideas as they went lights out on Pittsburgh's intened receiver, causing the live ball to bounce off the reciever and defender and into the hands of Steeler running back Franco Harris who had the raw instinct to take that piece of pigskin into the end zone for a stunning victory.
Pretty cool and very historic.
Now, let's fast forward to REALLY COOL, and the Immaculate Deception and ultimate trick play, which was not a fluke.
In order to do this story justice, I'll step away from the keyboards and let a newswire story do the talking, as well as provide a link to the video:
>>> Trick Play Video >>>
CORPUS CHRISTI — CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, CBS — they all want a piece of 14-year-old Jason Garza.
Instead of spending time in the classroom, the Driscoll Middle School student spent most of Tuesday morning handling interviews from across the country.
He got to the school at 4:30 a.m. Tuesday to prepare for a live interview with CNN. Then, he was shuttled off for an interview with CBS’ “The Early Show.” Later in the morning, he talked to the anchors at Fox News. Somewhere in between, he also did a phone interview with the New York Daily News, and is scheduled for Wednesday interviews with MSNBC and Inside Edition.
Why the fuss? It’s all over a trick play from the Corpus Christi ISD eighth-grade city championship football game this weekend at Cabaniss Field.
Trailing 6-0 late in the third quarter, Driscoll assistant coach John De Los Santos called for the “Penalty Play,” which the Rangers had worked on all week.
For the trickery to work, Driscoll first had to draw Wynn Seale defenders offsides. So, Jason went to the line of scrimmage and used his voice inflection on the snap count to get the defense to jump across the line and get flagged for offsides.
After the five-yard penalty was marked off, Jason went to the line of scrimmage again, but this time De Los Santos began yelling from the sidelines that it should have been a 10-yard penalty and told Jason to mark off another five yards.
Jason got behind his center John Porter, who casually — and legally — side-snapped the ball to his quarterback.
“That’s when I acted like I was marking off the penalty, I was counting my steps out loud like it was the yardage,” Jason said. “My linemen played it up asking me what I was doing, too. When I got to the middle linebacker, he asked what I was doing. I told him I was marking off the penalty yardage. He said, ‘Isn’t the ref supposed to do that?’ I told him I was doing it and kept on walking. When I got to the fourth step, I heard a Wynn Seale coach yelling ‘Tackle him!’ so that’s when I took off running.”
From there it was a foot race with Jason narrowly outrunning Wynn Seale defensive back Troy Palacios for the 67-yard touchdown.
“I started slowing down, and I looked back and could see him coming,” Jason said. “Man, five more yards and he would have had me.”
Instead, Jason scored to tie the game, which ended in a 6-6 tie. The championship trophy went to Wynn Seale, because it won the tiebreaker of offensive penetrations inside the opponent’s 20-yard line.
But the story of the game was the “Penalty Play,” which was put on YouTube on Sunday morning, where it has gone viral, reaching more than 4.5 million hits by Tuesday evening.
“On Monday morning, someone told me it was on YouTube,” Jason said. “I still didn’t really think it would go from that one little play to what it is now. Now, I have people telling me it has 3 million hits on YouTube.”
The play also has made De Los Santos a popular man on campus, as he has been by Jason’s side for every interview.
“Ever since Monday, it seems like I’ve been on the phone, sitting next to this guy,” said De Los Santos, rubbing Jason’s head.
It also has put De Los Santos in touch with some former teammates from his days as a quarterback at Miller High School, Trinity University and the indoor football league’s Corpus Christi Sharks.
“An old buddy from the Sharks lives on the East Coast now and he called me yesterday and was like, ‘Did I just see you on the national news?’ ” De Los Santos said.
Although Jason and De Los Santos are getting the national limelight — Fox News anchor Jenna Lee even suggested De Los Santos apply to be the Dallas Cowboys’ new head coach — the assistant coach admits he stole the play from his Driscoll Middle School coach, Richard Roegeller.
“I knew the play because I ran it in seventh grade, and coincidentally it was against Wynn Seale then, also,” De Los Santos said. “But when I tried it, the safety hit me nine yards downfield and knocked the wind out of me. That’s why I told the guys that this was either going to be a real big play or Jason was going to get hit hard. Thank goodness it worked out a lot better this time.”
The attention has spread to Driscoll Principal Irma Sandate, who has had to surrender her office at times so the newly famous duo can conduct their interviews.
“I’ve been getting a lot of e-mails, good and bad,” Sandate said. “Most of them have been sending congratulations, but there have been a few saying the play was illegal or unsportsmanlike to do that.
“But, the attention has been for the good. It’s a good spotlight for our program, for the students and for the coaches. It’s all very welcome attention for our school.”
Now, who thinks that after viewing that video and reading that news clip that NFL scouts won't be giving that young man a jingle or a tap on his door?
Congratulations on that play by making making your opponents look like fools, while you looked too cool for Middle School.
BUTT THE F**K OUT!, WTF!, BUST-ED | POSTED: OCTOBER 19, 2010
Item #1: Cincinnati Nanny-State Smoke Nazi's
Congratulations all around to the Cincinnati Reds for winning the National League Central Division title and securing their first playoff appearance since 1995. (They have since lost to the Philadelphia Phillies)
After the game, some players and members of the Reds organization where seen - gasp - smoking cigars in the teams clubhouse in celebration after their victory. Reds owner
Bob Castellini himself was seen passing out the cigars out in their clubhouse.
Big deal? It sure as hell was to the five - COUNT 'EM - five 'concerned citizens,' (Translated: lifeless lumps) that witnessed the Reds commiting the cardinal sin of lighting up and smoking cigars on television and in their own clubhouse, and called an Ohio State Health Department smoking ban complaint hotline.
It seems that in The Nanny State of Ohio, smoking in the workplace is against some sort of law, or a petty violation at the very least, and the usual Big Brother Busybodies with nothing better to do, ALL FIVE OF THEM, just had to rain on the Reds parade by snitching on the Reds for smoking cigars in a private clubhouse.
Why didn't those same squawkers rat out the Reds for having alcohol in those champagne bottles, too?
What the Reds should have done, if O'Sports Hack where in charge, was to flash the names and faces of those chronic complainers on the ballpark's centerfield Jumbo-Tron, and subject them to public ridicule by inducting them as charter members of baseball's new National Nanny-League. Better yet, in the spirit of Bill Veeck, have a Great American Butt-Out Night at Cincinnati's Great American Ball Park, where all fans in attendence will receive a complimentary cigar in honor of the Reds 2010 season. Never fear, 'concerned citizens,' the kiddies would get edible candy cigars, of course.
Item #2: WTF - Wakefield Track & Field
The Wakefield, Massachusetts High School Track and Field team, or WTF, entered The PIGDome with a bold fashion statement when their booster club issued their new sweatshirts with the letters WTF printed on them.
So, like, OMG, WTF is the problem? After all, WTF does stand for Wakefield Track & Field, the teams initials.
Apparently, the usual suspects are up in arms of this pile of non-crap. To them I say, "Get your head out of the gutter and shame on you for thinking that WTF stands for anything other than Wakefield Track & Field."
According to school Superintendent Joan Landers, “The administration is investigating the situation which has, unfortunately, caused disruption to the learning environment at Wakefield High School.”
In the meantime, the WTF team members are still wearing the sweat shirts. Tee-hee.
According to FOX25 Boston, Gregory Hampton-Boyd has one and tells Sharman Sacchetti that he doesn't believe it's offensive. "It’s kinda funny. It throws people off because they look at it. WTF. It's inappropriate but at the same time it stands for something else."
From a marketing and publicty standpoint, the WTF moniker sure did put Wakefield, Mass. on the map, and also has O'Sports Hack LOL and asking, "WTF?"
Why The F**k not.
Item #3: Busty Heart Performs Karate With Her Massive Breasts, Stuns Viewers
*Disclaimer: Hambo made me post this!!!!
Mega-boobed talent show guest Busty Heart showed off her chest incredible martial arts skills - using her breasts to perform deadly karate techniques.
Viewers watched astonished as she used her 46H boobs to smash planks of wood and then crush beer cans and smash melons on Germany's version of "Britain's Got Talent."
Model Busty - real name Susan Sykes - sparked thousands of calls and emails from admiring viewers with her appearance on 'Supertalent.'
She was once branded a national threat in America when one viewer dropped dead of a heart attack watching her perform on telly. "She is awesome but you wouldn't want to be behind her when she's running for a bus," said one viewer.
To view Busty and her massive mammaries, click link below:
>>> Titty-Titty Bang-Bang >>>
GEORGE BLANDA, TROJAN TRAGEDY | POSTED: SEPTEMBER 30, 2010
Item #1: George Blanda: 1927 – 2010
George Blanda, professional football's seemingly indestructable Iron Man, has passed on at age 83.
Blanda's distinction was his legacy of longevity in a professional sport where the average players career lasts a mere 3.5 years. Blanda's career spanned a whopping 26 seasons and 4 decades playing 2 postions - quarterback and place kicker.
Not known for a strong or accurate throwing arm, and certainly not his swiftness, Blanda was known for his cast irons as he stood up to incoming defensive linemen and somehow got the job done, time after time.
Blanda's career started with the Chicago Bears where he was used primarily as a place kicker for the first 9 years of his career. The blame for that waste of his QB talent probably rests with Bears owner/cheapskate George Halas, who when finding out that the Bears drafted Blanda and signed him to a $600 contract, wanted his money back.
After surviving Halas' Hell in Chicago, Blanda moved over to the Houston Oilers of the now defunct AFL. Blanda led the Oiler's to the AFL's first 2 championships in 1960 and 1961.
In 1967, Blanda moved to the team he is best known for playing - The Oakland Raiders - and stayed until his retirement in 1976.
It was during a 5 game stretch in 1970 at age 43 and his 21st professional season no less, that cemented Blanda's legacy of toughness, durabilty and perhaps the greatest clutch player the NFL has ever seen.
According to Raiderrants.com:
Blanda, who’s career spanned four different decades, became a folk hero during the 1970 season. After being released in preseason, he came back to the Raiders to help lead the Raiders in five straight victories by kicking and passing the Raiders to four come from behind wins and one tie.
In week six, Blanda came off the bench to relieve an injured Darryl Lamonica and throw three touchdown passes and kick a field goal for a 31-14 win over Pittsburgh. The following week, Blanda kicked a game-tying field goal with three seconds on the clock, to give the Raiders a 17-17 tie with the Chiefs. Blanda followed that up by coming off the bench against Cleveland, where he threw a game-tying touchdown pass, then kicked the winning 52-yard field goal. Blanda’s heroics didn’t end there. Against Denver, he came off the bench to throw a late touchdown pass to help the Raiders defeat the Broncos 24-19. Finally, the fifth week of the streak, Blanda kicked a 16-yard field goal in the final seconds to aid the Raiders’ victory over the Chargers 20-17.
Blanda's coach at that time was another legend, John Madden, who help develop the Raiders "Just win, Baby" reputation with a roster full of rejects, renegades and outlaws had this to say about Blanda:
“If you put him in a group of most-competitive, biggest-clutch players, I think he’d have to be the guy who would win it all.” John Madden, minces no words. In fact his former coach told reporters Blanda was actually the most competitive person he ever knew.
In a day and age where players are more concerned with how much damn bling they have, their upcoming appearance on Dancing With The Stars or sitting out a game due to a bad hair day, the example of Blanda's grittiness ought to be the first training film all head coaches use as the standard of playing through pain, and playing to win...no matter what.
The world sure could use a hell of a lot more George Blanda's, but I suppose The Head Coach Upstairs needs a guy like Blanda to get one over the end zone or through the uprights and just "Git 'Er Done."
Item #2: Reggie Bush: A Trojan Tragedy
The sloppy soap opera known as Reggie Bush's life took another turn recently as he became the first ever Heisman Trophy winner to return the much coveted award.
Bush had been under investigation for violating NCAA rules when he and his family accepted over $300,000 from outside sources while still a student at USC.
I could cite many sources, and put my own twist on this story, but I think Nationally syndicated cartoonist Bob Gorrell nailed the latest Trojan Tragedy with the cartoon below.
FOOTBALL TRUTHS | POSTED: SEPTEMBER 28, 2010
|Its that time of the year and we need to remember a few things about some of the more famous football teams.
(1) What does the average Univ. of Florida player get on his SATs?
(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Texas Longhorn football player's life?
His freshman year.
(8) How many Texas A&M freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.
(10) How do you keep an FSU football player out of your front yard?
Erect a goal post!
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal clash) ...
(11) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
MASCOT MAYHEM | POSTED: SEPTEMBER 23, 2010
Item: Mascotmania: 2010
High achiever, Brandon Hanning sure did get his 15 minutes of fame during last Saturdays Ohio State/Ohio University football game in front of 105,000 Ohio State fans.
Hanning, aka Rufus The Bobcat, the mascot for Ohio University gained fame by chasing Ohio State's mascot, Brutus The Buckeye (Sean Stazen) into the end zone and riding on his back, exchanged a few punches and both ended up on the ground in true gladiator fashion.
Hanning had been planning the attack for two years. "I watched a video of the Oregon Duck beating up another mascot and I thought it would be pretty funny if Rufus beat up Brutus," he said.
"It was actually my whole plan to tackle Brutus when I tried out to be mascot," said Hanning. "I tried out about a year ago, and the whole reason I tried out was so I could come up here to Ohio State and tackle Brutus."
Hanning said he thinks the reaction to the tackle has been "a little blown out of proportion."
"Either everybody loved it or everybody hated it. It's never been anything in the middle," he said.
"I think I planned it pretty well ... and I definitely would have done it again."
In a follow up story, Sean Stazen (Brutus) added Hanning as a friend on his Facebook page. According to The Lantern, Ohio State's campus fishwrap, Stazen posted an image of Rufus lying on the ground with Brutus standing beside him and wrote a message that reads something like a motivational poster found in some business offices, "Failure: When your life-long dream just doesn't quite happen..."
As hilarious and/or retarded a distraction that Hanning's actions were, and yes, he screwed the pooch, we will give him credit for having a vision, following through, and meeting his objective.
Forgot to mention. Those 105,000 Buckeye fans that went to a mascot fight, also witnessed a football game break out, with Ohio State turning bobcats into a pussies, beating Ohio University 43-7.
LIARS AND CHEATERS | POSTED: AUGUST 26, 2010
Item # 1: A Liar That Got Caught Lying To A Bunch Of Liars
Seems like our old friend, and no stranger to the pages of PIG, Roger Clemens, is really facing a world of hurt, as in, possible prison time for perjury.
You may find this ironic, but he got nailed for lying under oath and sworn testimony, to a band of pirates known as a Senate Sub-Committee, and may be subpeoned to answer for his lying about 'alleged' steroid use and end up in sitting in the damn joint.
This is totally PIG-worthy in the sense that youv'e got an individual, Roger Clemens, who posted some great personal statistics as a professionanl baseball player, only to be called on the carpet by a band of untrustworthy scumbags, you know, the U.S. Senate.
Lying to liars is one thing, but getting caught , well you know the old saying, "You can't bullshit a bullshitter" and apparently, you've met your match, and if you think your'e going to skate, well, there really is no honor among theives, as they will consider you nailed, because those scumbag Senators are going to use you as a stepping stone and personal notch in their belts.
If you do happen to get an "intentional walk" from your fellow liars, you still have to face the court of public opinion.
Mr. Clemens, you have maligned and tarnished the great sport of American baseball, personally profited from and got caught covering your own ass.
You have done the equivilant of pissing on Aunt Bea's rose garden, thinking you got away with it, only to be witnessed by Opie, peeking around the front porch, and yelling for Barney Fife.
That said, let's lead into some very honorable young men, Little Leaguers...
Item # 2: Non-Cheaters
The LLWS (Little League World Series) is underway, and what a complete joy to see these young fellows play their hearts out for the sheer motivation of experiencing victory.
Watching these kids by itself was really cool, but when the camera zoomed in on the AMERICANS, I noticed a shoulder patch (pictured) that read "I Don't Cheat.
If you don't know what that refers to, we'll go back a few years and recall a Puerto Rican Little League team that beat the Americans largely in part to an overaged kid, complete with forged birth certificate, which raised a lot of red flags, and called into question, just how was that kid?
They got caught, and the trophy was handed back to the AMERICANS.
Why? Because the AMERICANS DIDN'T CHEAT.
We'll go back to several other LLWS tournaments where the most "honorable" Asian teams,. Japanese and Filipinos, brought in a bunch of overaged ringers, beat the Holy Hell out of the NON-CHEATING AMERICANS, and were called into question about the true age of their players.
Guess what? The NON-CHEATING AMERICANS were awarded the trophy, after the fact.
The whole point is to illustrate that in the NON-CHEATING AMERICAN world, Little League, like the Boy Scouts, is a huge developmental stage for young men, in that it helps instill a sense of teamwork, discipline, hard work, morals, merit, sportsmanship, and in the AMERICANS case, honesty.
The FSOP salutes you, AMERICAN Little Leaguers for silently giving the finger, and more importantly, putting any foreign team on notice if they have any intentions of cheating by wearing that patch.
Little Leaguers are not 'Little"
Their hearts are Major League.
SHAQ-FU, THE OUTLAW TIGER WOODS | POSTED: AUGUST 09, 2010
Item # 1: Shaq To Celts: In Your Face, Lakers
This NBA off season has had more twists, turns, thrills and chills than the regular season and just got way more interesting.
First, we had the "Stop the presses" hype of LeBron James' signing with Miami, and the subsequent fallout with Je$$e's 'runaway slave' comments.
Now we have the Boston Celtics signing an aging castoff, throwaway and most importantly, FORMER LAKER, Shaquille O'Neal for what is O'Neal's last chance at another ring.
The Boston Celtics are not known for making bad deals, so all sniping criticism aside, O'Sports Hack thinks this is a great move on several levels.
One. With LeBron to Miami, and the Lakers being the favorites to repeat as champions, Shaq to the Celtics puts Boston right back in contention, due the re-signing of most of last years Celtic squad. With that, we'll probably see a repeat of this past season's playoff contenders, minus Cleveland.
Two. Shaq to Boston adds an intimidation factor and even more depth to an already strong Celtic bench, and with the Celtics having confidence in Shaq, this may be the boost O'Neal needs to perhaps channel his inner Big Diesel one more time, and help mow down the rest of the league, but that remains to be seen.
Three. The L.A. Laker/Kobe factor. The PIGDome loves the fact that Shaq will go out as a Celtic, after having helped the Lakers three-peat years ago. Now, are the Lakers going to retire Shaq's jersey as a result of this?
Also, all those fair-weather Laker fans, and most importantly, the L.A. media that slobbered all over Shaq while he was in L.A., and left their lip marks on Shaq's butt cheeks, will have their loyalties tested. Will they still worship and revere Shaq, as in the past, or will he be burned in effigy as a sellout and traitor?
Last, but far from least, our friend Kobe. Kobe and Shaq had a huge falling out after their last championship season together, and one has to wonder. Will this be an opportunity for Shaq and Kobe to hold hands, sing Kum-Ba-Ya and rekindle an old flame?
Let's get real. Shaq has a serious axe to grind with the Lakers and Kobe in particular, and what better way for Shaq to end his career by playing and saying, "Shaq-Fu, Kobe." Whether the Celtic win or lose, Boston is sending a huge, personal message to the Lakers by signing O'Neal.
The fact that Shaq is now a Celtic, and will be wearing a Celtic jersey at some point next season at the Lakers home court, Staples Center, and the reception he gets from Laker fans/vandals will be worth the price of admission.
Score: One Big One for Boston.
Item # 2: Tiger Woods: Bad To The Bone?
It seems as if former squeeky clean golf icon Tiger Woods has been seen sporting a new look lately, that of Bad Ass Outlaw.
Oh yeah. That goatee (peach fuzz, actually) you see on Tiger is the real deal. Apparently, with all the self-imposed crap Tiger has been through in the recent past, Tiger probably really doesn't give a shit about his public image anymore.
I for one, think Tiger looks so bad ass, that if he were walking down the same sidewalk as me, I would actually, intentionally cross the street in order to avoid the Badness that is Tiger Woods.
Could it be that his golf game and public image has sunk to such pathetic depths that he is reinventing himself?
Seriously, though. If he's growing a goatee as an intimidation factor for his golf game, I think that's totally unnecessary. After all, look at how his competition dresses on the links. Tam O'Shanters, argyle sweaters and knee-high socks and knickerbockers are hardly fear factors.
On the other hand, perhaps he's once again revolutionizing golf, in the form of a fashion statement.
Why stop with a goatee, Tiger? Let's go all the way with a complete makeover.
Custom golf carts by Harley-Davidson?
Thong wearing hotties/porn stars for caddies?
Leather vests and cleated biker boots, or maybe camouflage pants and combat boots for the commando look?
Spiked/studded golf gloves?
Nike Swoosh tattoo, instead of that gay cap they make you wear?
We can complete your new look with a pirates eye patch and Jolly Roger Skull and Crossbones insignia on your sleeveless t-shirts.
You'll need to be in another, more socially acceptable, forgivable scandal, so maybe you can develop a highly publicized substance abuse/chemical depedency problem.
You'll also need an introductory theme song, too, for everytime you set foot on the links. George Thoroughgood's "Bad To The Bone" or AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" would work well for your new image.
Tiger, dude, if you're going for the Bad Boy look, don't half-ass it. Approach your new image the way you used to approach your old golf game, or more recently, any porn star floozie, with an all-out, take no prisoners attitude.
Either that, or go back to the choir boy look and put some milk on your face and let your kitty lick off that peach fuzz.
BOSS FROM HELL, JE$$E/LeBRON, | POSTED: JULY 15, 2010
Item # 1: George Steinbrenner - New York Yankees Owner
Love him or hate him, New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner has passed on.
Normally, baseball owners don't make many headlines, but in the case of George Steinbrenner, this guy dominated the Big Apple's headlines for years with his managerial meltdowns, most notably with Reggie Jackson, Billy Martin and PIG favorite, Yogi Berra.
Prick and prima donna that he was towards his micro-managing tactics in the pursuit of World Championships, the guy had one hell of a fat checkbook, and rewarded his players and staff handsomely.
Sure, he had his idiocincracys (no facial hair on the ballplayers or ball girls, and if you've ever been to New York, some of those Italian and Puerto Rican chicks sure could use a shave), but with the amount of money he paid his players for nothing less than stellar performance, he was probably tolerable, to a point.
Steinbrenner, on a serious note was instrumental in taking advantage of free agency in the mid-1970's by signing high profile castoff's like Reggie Jackson and Catfish Hunter, for example in his quest to rebuild the Yankees, which he did, winning 7 World Series titles and 11 pennants during his regime.
Steinbrenner was one of the sports world's colorful characters alright, and nothing he did escaped the New York press.
Most famous for his hiring, firing, and re-hiring manager Billy Martin 5 times, Martin had this quote regarding Reggie Jackson and Steinbrenner during one of their famous on-field feuds.
"The two were meant for each other. One's a born liar, and the other's convicted."
Howver you regard George Steinbrenner, he and his tyrannical antics will surely be missed in the world of sports.
R.I.P., George, and that comes from a Red Sox fan.
Item # 2: LeBron Be Slavin'...All The Way To The Bank, Je$$e
Gee, I was on such orgasmic pins and needles last week awaiting free agent LeBron James' decision to sign with the Miami Heat, that during all the excitement leading up to his announcement, I had to be excused and go wipe myself. Silly me.
Pretty good career move, one would say, but the ink barely dried on the contract before it got really PIG-worthy.
James fulfilled his contractual obligations to the Cleveland Cavaliers, thus making him the most sought after free agent in the NBA at the tender age of 24.
During his time in Cleveland, he took the laughingstock Cavaliers thisclose to the NBA promised land.
Well, when it came to the off-season contract talks of nuts and bolts, and Lebron wanting market value for his services, his one objective was to play for a winning team, which the Cavaliers were obviously not.
Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert alluded to LeBron being a 'traitor' when James abandonded and 'betrayed' Cleveland for Miami.
Enter Je$$e Jackson, for whatever reason, and his comments toward Gilbert:
“His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality,” Jackson said in a statement released Sunday. “(Gilbert) sees LeBron as a runaway slave.”
“(Gilbert’s) accusations endanger LeBron,” Jackson wrote. “His jersey is being burned in effigy, and he is being projected as a betrayer by the owner. ... LeBron is not a child, nor is he bound to play on Gilbert’s plantation and be demeaned.”
WTF Je$$e! Are all those zero's on LeBron's new contract whetting your whistle and blinding you to some sick, race-wrangling payday, all in the name of civil right$?
Where in the world does this 'runaway slave' mentality come from, outside of Je$$e'$ miserable, dwindling world.
Je$$e, if you're goal is to siphon, or extort money on another one of your prefabricated non- issues or targets, you're chasing the wrong ambulance, dude. You, Je$$e, are the last thing on Lebron's mind right now.
ADIOS MEXICO, MARATHON MEN, L.T., AGAIN | POSTED: JUNE 27, 2010
Item # 1: World Cup Crap-Ola
|Why Soccer Sucks
If you think you're alone and unenlightened in thinking soccer sucks, there's good news Cro-Magnons! There now exists a website cleverly titled: Soccersucks.net
Their tagline: "Soccer Sucks. It Doesn't Get Any Simpler Than That"
They say there is nothing more difficult to do in sports than to make contact with a 90 m.p.h fastball coming straight at you.
I disagree, big time.
The most difficult thing to do in sports is to sit through a World Cup Soccer match and not fall asleep or go nuts, until today, that is.
Argentina just became my favorite World Cup soccer team by beating the burrito stuffin's out of the Mexican's in a 3-1 (Wow!) do-or-die scoring orgy.
I have no connection with either team, but as a SoCal (Mexifornia) resident, anything that keeps the red, green and white mexican rag from being waved in my face is good enough for me to give props to the team that shut their fans the hell up.
But the action probably isn't over. Win or lose, the Mexican fans will use any excuse to run amok and burn, loot, rob and riot the streets of L.A.
I'll be watching my step in the morning, doing my best to not step in those pesky piles of day-old refried beans and beer cans.
Item # 2: Tennis' Marathon Men
For those of you that think tennis is a sissy sport just because male tennis players wear "un-manly" attire, think again.
This week at Wimbledon, history was made when American John Isner defeated France's Nicolas Mahut to win the world's longest tennis match, dubbed "The Match That Would Not End."
The match itself took 11 hours, 5 minutes over three days, lasting so long it was suspended because of darkness - two nights in a row. Play resumed Thursday at 59-all and continued for more than an hour before Isner won the match.
Three-time Wimbledon champion John McEnroe, who took it in from a third-row seat said, "It's Herculean what they're doing. I had to come pay my respects."
After Isner finally won, 70-68, he told the crowd, "You know, it stinks someone had to lose."
I don't care who you are, but a regular game of tennis is grueling enough, but eleven hours over three days? That is tough.
It just goes to show you that you need more than balls to play tennis. You need stamina, and lots of it, in this case, and The F.S.O.P. salutes both players for their valiant efforts and 'Never Say Die' attitudes.
Item # 3: L.T. Update: Not A Team Player
The on going tragedy known as Lawrence Taylor's life continued this week when L.T. was indicted by a grand jury on rape, criminal sexual acts, sexual abuse, endangering the welfare of a child, and patronizing a prostitute.
If you remember, L.T. was arrested in at a hotel in New York back in May
L.T. and his lawyer contend that he did not have sex with the girl, but masturbated in her presence, instead, and is confident he will beat the rap.
That's one whack-job of a defense strategy.
L.T. better hope his lawyer isn't a jerk-off and doesn't choke by rubbing the jury the wrong way and that this chapter of the L.T. saga has a happy ending.
PIGsters, I simply couldn't help pleasuring myself with those way intended puns.
BULLS, MELTDOWNS, FIFA FREE KICKS, MANUTE BOL | POSTED: JUNE 20, 2010
Item # 1: Bullfighter Busted
The Scene: You're standing all alone in a packed arena, face-to-face with a pissed off bull, armed with only a red cape and a skin-tight pink sequinned outfit, (and probably having a bad hair day, too), and you're wondering, "What would Jesus (the Taco vendor) do?"
Run for his F**king life!!!
That was exactly what 22 year-old Matador Christian Hernandez did recently at a bullfight held at Plaza Mexico in Mexico City.
In a split second decision, all facades of Matador machismo Hernandez ever had vaulted over the bull ring wall with him as he hightailed it out of there, and into the hands of Mexican police and bullring officials who had him arrested for breach of contract.
According to AOL:
After paying a fine, he was later persuaded to return to what is the world's largest bullring -- but only long enough to put his hands over his head, pointing upward to the heavens, shaking his head and making exit No. 2.
"There are some things you must be aware of about yourself," the 22-year-old Mexican said later in a television interview, according to the Times of London.
"I didn't have the ability, I didn't have the balls, this is not my thing."
Hernandez later announced he had retired.
This is not Hernandez's first brush with infamy in the bullfighting arena. Earlier this year, he was injured after being gored in the leg by a bull.
For those in attendance at the bullring that day that jeered Hernandez for doing the SMART thing, I wonder what they would do under the same circumstances? I'm sure that if fueled with enough beer and tequila, any drunken moron would climb in the bullring, roll up their sleeves and personally invite that ornery bull to a fight-to-the-finish steel cage match, all while wearing that skin-tight sequinned outfit, huh?
Item # 2: Boston's Meltdown Leads To L.A. Rioting
The cause of that giant sucking sound that eminated from downtown Los Angeles Thursday night was twofold.
First, the Boston Celtics choked big time in the fourth quarter of Game 7 (a game in which Boston lead for the first 3 quarters) of the NBA finals against the hated Lakers and lost.
That right there sucked bad enough, but, second, was the mayhem that ensued on the streets of downtown L.A. in the form of tipping and burning cars, pelting riot gear-clad cops, looting stores and overall public drunkeness which lead to numerous arrests and thousands of dollars in personal and property damage.
Typical day in L.A., anyday, you say, so what's the problem, you ask?
Maybe I'm myopic, maybe I'm naive, but I had no idea that so many pissed-off Celtic fans lived in L.A. and would take out their frustrations on the usually docile, peace-loving, law-abiding Laker fans in such a manner
Seriously, it was the usual high achievers taking to the streets after their team won, and just to show that L.A. rioters never get it right, they were burning down their own 'hoods and barrios. Talk about lack of strategy and game plan.
Oh, and just to make Los Angeles a doubly pleasant place to be, earlier that same day, Mexico defeated France in the World Cup tournament, so it's really no surprise that the LAPD were just getting finished wiping the refried beans off of their riot gear when the call to Staples Center came out.
Item # 3: F.I.F.A.: Flagrantly & Intentionally F**king America
At last, some (yawn) World Cup drama that's worth mentioning.
It seems the United States was blantantly robbed of a victory in front of the entire world by the mother of all bad calls and the mother of all bad referee's, Koman Coulibaly in the 86th minute.
In a game against Slovenia, the United States battled back from a 2-0 halftime deficit to tie the match, 2-2.
Late in the game, Team U.S.A. was awarded a free kick, whatever that is, which was successfully kicked into the net. Should have been game over and a 'W' for Team USA, right?
Not when you're Team USA and the referee gets the Mr. Magoo Award for International Ineptness and should be tarred, feathered and hanged from the highest yardarm.
>>> Read More & View Clip @ Foxsports.com>>>
Now, as far as free kicks go, since FIFA officials won't reverse the call, and the referee does not have to explain his ruling, I say, all members of the United States soccer team, waterboy included, are hereby awarded ONE FREE KICK to the nads of referee Koman Coulibaly.
Item # 4: Manute Bol - R.I.P.
Former Sudanese NBA star, 7 foot 6 inch Manute Bol passed away yesterday at the age of 47 due to accute kidney disease.
Bol, a true humanitarian, played in the NBA for 10 years for the Washington Bullets, Golden State Warriors and Philadelphia 76ers.
Due to his height, he was known as a prolific blocker throughout the NBA.
Unlike most NBA stars, Bol spent his time and personal fortune altruistically for the benefit of his homeland, the Sudan by visiting refugee camps and writing big fat checks out of his own pocket. His actions so impressed the Sudanese government, he was offered a post as Minister of Sport, but turned the postion down as one of the requirements for the post was that Bol (a Christian) would have to convert to Islam.
Apparently, he told them to kick rocks as he eventually had to apply and appeal to the United States to allow him entry back to America as a religious refugee.
In case you don't know the name, you sure wouldn't be able to miss him if he were to walk into a room. all 7 feet, 6 inches of him.
Bon voyage, Bol.
Item # 5: This One Is Personal
It's no secret that I do not like the Lakers, and Kobe Bryant in particular.
I will admit, he is perhaps the greatest basketball player of his era, but with that being said, I found this goodie from a like-minded Laker/Kobe critic.
This one's for you, Laker fan!
TUBES, BOOBS, BIG BABY AND BOOGERS | POSTED: JUNE 12, 2010
Item # 1: The World Is Fun!!!
|WANT SOME CTFL SMACKDOWN?
|Check out the official CTFL website, complete with everything from celebrity testimonials to battle tested techniques.
If you want some no-shit fun this weekend, scratch the NBA Finals and World Cup festivities off your sports viewing calendars, get off the couch and head on up to Seattle, Washington where you can either watch or participate in Cardboard Tube Fighting, which benefits The World Is Fun, a Seattle nonprofit that aims to get people in their 20's and 30's
off their asses and interested in charities.
Organized Cardboard Tube Fighting is the brainchild of Robert Easley and has leagues and tournaments worldwide.
According to Wikipedia, Robert had childhood memories of hitting friends and family with cardboard tubes in mock sword fights. He came up with the idea of starting regular tournaments around the act of cardboard tube fighting.
This idea comes from three core beliefs:
1) People need more ways to play and take themselves less seriously.
2) This is only fun when you are drunk.
3) Cardboard sword fighting is fun, but deadly as well. It could be quite vicious and lead to brain injury and head trauma. Only real men don't use helmets.
You can create your own costume and persona as well, a lot like the WWF. You can go as a Samurai Warrior, Ninja, Jedi Knight, Darth Vader, Viking, Vandal, pissed off wife or even a Tea Party Protester.
C'mon. What are you waiting for? Don't let all those other Dueling Dweebs, Dorks and Dilberts have all the fun!
So, if the NBA Finals between the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Ladies are a "been there, done that" ritual or the World Cup is just another excuse to waste 3 hours and get rip roaring drunk in the process, release and unleash your Inner-Tube Warrior and go Postal AND Medieval on your friends, family, co-workers and neighbors by participating in, and even forming your own band of CTF Warriors.
Now. Let's get out there, open up a tube of whoop-ass and have fun!
Item # 2: Boobs
Apparently, Lady Gaga isn't getting the attention or face time she thinks she deserves, so she had some quality tantrum time at a New York Mets/San Diego Padres game in New York this past week.
The attention starved, overhyped Pop-Tart sure wasn't acting very lady-like when she had a meltdown of Major League proportions by treating Mets' fans to a strip tease, followed by a high, hard double-barreled barrage of one fingered salutes.
Gaga showed up during the fifth inning of the day game and was furious that her front-row seats were so close to photographers covering the game and began hurling F-Bombs at the photographers.
Instead of sitting, she vanished into a lower-deck concourse - only to reappear in the seventh inning in the empty luxury box owned by Met super-fan Jerry Seinfeld.
By the time fans and photographers spotted her, she had shed her coat to reveal bedazzled undies...
|GAGA GOES GIRL-GIRL AT BALLGAME
The festivities didn't stop there, either. Amidst her meltdown, and for added effect, she also began kissing a random woman.
The beer-swilling diva - who has professed her love for the Yankees - proceeded to repeatedly salute the crowd with her middle finger.
When fans rose for the seventh-inning stretch, she did, too -- dancing and giving onlookers the double-bird salute.
She watched the rest of the game in just her undergarments without incident.
What possessed her to have that meltdown could have been the fact that she was originally seated close to photographers and equally shocked that they were there to cover the game, not her.
That would be a devastating blow to anyone who had an ego the size of New York's Citi Park.
Item # 3: Big Baby, The Heart Of Boston's B-Team Bench
|THE SHREK & DONKEY SHOW
Glen "Big Baby" Davis as Shrek, and sidekick High-Flying Nate Robinson as Donkey celebrate against the L.A. Ladies in Boston. Robinson brought the house down during his postgame interview with Davis when he said, "we're like Shrek and Donkey. You can't separate us."
If you're a Boston Celtic fan, L.A. Laker hater, or a combination of both, you had to be in Beantown Heaven after Thursday's Game 4 of the NBA Finals.
The game was pretty close, and actually boring for a while, and neither team seemed to have any life until Boston coach Doc Rivers put his superstar caliber starting players on the bench and put in his B-Team.
Boston's B-Team began dismantling the Laker's starting lineup with a combination of pure hustle and surgical precision.
Among the Boston substitutes were Nate Robinson, all 5 feet, 9 inches of him and Glen "Big Baby" Davis who led the Celtics rally with a combined 30 points and 4 rebounds.
During a fourth quarter fight for a loose ball, Davis ran down the court like a man possessed, letting out a primal scream and drooling all over himself a bit. Then Robinson jumped on his back (pictured) creating an iconic moment for the Celtics.
Later in the 4th quarter, Coach Rivers almost sat his dynamic bench duo down to put his starters back in the game, but for some reason, let them stay in. Probably figured as long as he had the knife in the Laker's backs, why not give it few more twists. Tee-hee.
To re-cap and summarize: Boston's Bench Beats L.A.'s Elite.
Final score: 96-89
Item # 4: Boogers
NBA players are known to create unique, career-defining patented moves.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had his "Sky-Hook."
Pete Maravich got the nickname "Pistol" for shooting the ball from the side, as if he were a gunslinger.
Magic Johnson had his "No-Look Pass."
Now Kobe Bryant is getting in on the act with a "Smoov Move" all his own.
We can call it the anything from the "Bryant Booger", "Sportscaster Snotrag" or as some bloggers are calling it, The Old Snot And Booger Trick, caught on camera here.
It seems His Kobe-ness takes a lot of time in his post game interview prepping, and wanted to share a few of his grooming tips by rubbing his snot on ESPN's Ric Bucher
following Game 3 of the NBA Finals in Boston.
What class, but would you expect anything less from Kobe Bryant?
Now, O'Sports Hack is wondering, how long before kids on basketball courts across the country start emulating the "Bryant Booger?"
What's more, knowing how fickle, gullible and star-struck adult Laker fans are, when will Kobe's new smoov moves start "rubbing off" on them?
Pun intended, PIGsters.
BAD WEEK FOR GOOD GUYS | POSTED: JUNE 05, 2010
Item # 1: The Wizard Of Westwood Has Left The Building: Legendary Basketball Coach John Wooden Passes On
The name John Wooden will always be synonymous not just with unparalleled basketball success, but also personal integrity, poise, humility, perseverance and all-around class. A man of unshakable faith and conviction, Wooden had a Midas-like impact not just on the basketball court and his players, but the reverence most folks had for him went way, way beyond his ability to motivate his teams to victory.
John Wooden is best known for leading UCLA to 10 NCAA basketball titles, including 7 in a row, an 88 game winning streak and 4 undefeated seasons from 1964 to 1975. His UCLA Bruins routinely mopped up the court with any, almost all opponents during that incredible stretch.
He didn't stop there, either. John Wooden took his winning, inspiring ways with him after his retirement from UCLA and went on to become a mentor, author and motivational speaker, using his Pyramid Of Success as a model for character building not just in sports, but in business and life in general.
John Wooden's life was filled with so many accolades, awards and acheivements, we'll simply stop here and refer you to his official site (link below) where you can learn more about this amazing man and the impact he's had on countless people.
Before we go, The F.S.O.P. has this to say: We liked John Wooden for many, many reasons, but in the context of PIG, we REALLY liked John Wooden because John Wooden was a Slacker's worst nightmare. There were no free rides in John Wooden's world. There was no room for lame excuses or passing the buck in John Wooden's world. There was no blaming and finger pointing in John Wooden's world, and God help you if you thought otherwise. If you want to live in the self-imposed safety and cocoon of "Mommies Basement" all your life, without taking a chance at either success or failure and being second best instead of stellar is Okey-Dokey in your world of mediocrity and half measures, well, we don't think you would last a nano-second in John Wooden's world.
Now, we'll leave you with some of Coach Wooden's more memorable quotes, or, "Woodenisms":
"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
"You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one."
"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."
"Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts."
"Consider the rights of others before your own feelings, and the feelings of others before your own rights."
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes."
"Never mistake activity for achievement."
"Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be."
"It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it."
"The worst thing about new books is that they keep us from reading the old ones."
"Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then."
"Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability."
"Ability is a poor man's wealth."
"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."
John R. Wooden
October 14, 1910 - June 04, 2010
• • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • •
Item # 2: The Perfect Game That Wasn't
When is a perfect game not a perfect game? When Blind-As-A-Bat Major League Baseball's Clown Commissioner Bud Selig says so, that's when.
On June 2, Detroit's Armando Galarraga was pitching what would have and should have been a perfect game.
After retiring the first 26 batters, all he needed was one more out for a rare baseball perfecto.
With 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth, Batter #27 was Cleveland's Jason Donald who grounded to Detroit first baseman Miguel Cabrera, who cleanly fielded Donald's groundball and tossed it to Galarraga, who was covering first base.
The throw was accurate and beat the runner by a mile, but, umpire Jim Joyce made the bad call heard round the world when he ruled Donald safe at first, thus blowing Galarraga's bid for a perfect game.
Replays show that the runner was out by a mile, but the blown call stood.
No perfect game for Galarraga, and, after the game, and watching the replays and realizing his mistake, umpire Joyce tearfully said, "I just cost that kid a perfect game."
Joyce asked to speak with Galarraga, emphatically said he was wrong and later, in tears, hugged Galarraga and apologized for his error and Galarraga accepted the apology.
First, most pitchers would be furious at the fact that a once-in-a-lifetime achievement was snatched right out from under them in the form of a bad, blown call. Galarraga graciously accepted the reality of the situation, acted like a man and moved on.
It would be easy to blame the umpire for the blown call, for which he took responsiblity for, but the outcome of the Perfect Game That Wasn't could have been over ruled by Baseball Commissioner Pud Selig based on instant replay.
As of today, June 5, Pud's decision to let the blown call stand will remain. No perfect game.
Pud will not reverse the call, which he could have and should have done, and for that, The PIGdome awards Pud Selig it's first, and hopefully only Mr. Magoo Lifetime Achievement Award. (Selig recieves 'Lifetime' status for also being blind to rampant steroid use and his blown call of the 2002 All-star Game)
Pud could have used this incident to invoke instant replay into Major League Baseball and as an opportunity to redeem himself for his past boneheaded calls.
The silver lining in this whole thing is the graciousness of Armando Galarraga, who, in his accepting his fate, showed the world what Sportsmanship is all about, and perhaps removed some of professional baseball's tarnish with his humility.
That, plus the fact that the Detroit Tigers awarded him a brand new 2011 Chevrolet Corvette at home plate the following day.
That shiny new Corvette can easily crush any sour grapes Galarraga may have thought of chewing on and is perhaps the perfect ending to a bad situation for a Good Guy like Galarraga.
SHORT TAKES | POSTED: MAY 07, 2010
Lawrence Taylor Busted...Again
Former New Giants linebacker, former Dancing With The Stars contestant, former Nutri-System spokesman, former tax evader, former crack addict, (among other things) Lawrence Taylor was arrested Thursday, May 6 on charges of raping a 16 year old runaway prostitute.
With an impressive resume like L.T.'s, one would think that the rape allegations would be a slam dunk for the prosecution, but there's a little more to the story that may lead one to believe that the whole thing is a set up, and that L.T. is an easy target to railroad, has deep pockets and a less than stellar personal past.
The alleged victim was beaten up by a man, Rasheed Davis, (her pimp) who forced her into prostitution, then driven to Taylor's hotel, paid $300 by Taylor for sex, where he was arrested early Thursday, said Christopher St. Lawrence, supervisor of the town of Ramapo.
Taylor was charged with third degree rape and patronizing a prostitute, posted $75,000 bail and through his lawyer proclaimed his innocence.
With a little luck and a sharp-toothed shyster, maybe L.T. can add 'former accused rapist' to his profile.
This type of story is nothing new for athletes. What makes this worth staying tuned into is which Media Slut is going to get to the victim and the glory of "Lights! Camera! Action!" first. Gloria Allred or Al Sharpton?
In the wake of Arizona Senate Bill 1070 and Cinco de Mayo, the Phoenix Suns went and caved in to Arizona's Colonista's by wearing "Los Suns" on their uniforms for Game 2 of the Western Conference semifinals.
Owner Robert Sarver said, “...to honor our Latino community and the diversity of our league, the state of Arizona and our nation...”
What they really did was not only sellout and symbolically side with Arizona's Colonista Coddlers and Crybabies, they also showed hints of PC racism and patronizing.
After all the hot air from other Sports Hacks and political pundits, O'Sports Hack has to wonder why didn't Los Suns go all out in their symbolic gesture of solidarity by changing their name to the Border Jumpers or Reconquistadors, wear sombrero's, serapes, bandolleros, parade up and down the court on burros, substitute a mariachi band for cheerleaders, resurrect the Frito Bandito or Speedy Gonzalez as their mascot and serve free tequila shooters for everyone in attendance and have center court knife fights during halftime?
And, as a parting shot and grand finale, why not lower and burn any American flag in the vicinity of the arena and raise the Mexican rag, “...to honor our Latino community and the diversity of our league, the state of Arizona and our nation...” of course.
Don't Taze Me!: Brotherly Love Style
Philadelphia Police used a taser gun to subdue 17 year old Steve Consalvi who hopped the fence at Citizens Bank Park in the eight inning of the Phillies-Cardinals game on Monday night.
Consalvi, waving a white towel on the field, eluded a couple of stadium security guards before one of Philadelphia's finest put an end to Consalvi's on-field shenanigans by whipping out his taser and rendered him into submission.
Consalvi got his 15 minutes, but what about the cop? Why isn't he, and more like him being deployed by Homeland Stupidity and I.C.E. along our southern border tasing Border Jumping Invaders?
Talk about America having a home field advantage, huh?
Living In Mommies Basement Pay Off
ESPN reports that Gaming Dweeb Wade McGilberry of Semmes, Alabama won $1,000,000 for pitching a virtual perfect game.
MLB2K10, a baseball simulation from 2K Sports sponsored the contest, and McGilberry simulated the use of Atlanta Braves pitcher Kenshin Kawakami to secure his 'victory.'
Not being a Gaming Dweeb myself, I just wonder if there is a league of Dweebs out there that spend their days and nights in the basement honing their gaming skills to one day make the big time in their little virtual worlds.
Wade's achievement must be really cool, after all, a million dollars is a lot of money for doing almost nothing and his feat will cement his place on the gaming pedestal among his fellow dweebs.
That's all good, I suppose if you're a high achiever like Wade McGilberry, but in the spirit of sportsmanship, one has to wonder if he will share any of the prize money with Kawakami, and most importantly, pay his Mommy back rent for use of the basement.
Congratulations, Wade. Enjoy your glory and being the toast of the Gaming Community. You have struck a universal victory for Gaming Dweebs, Nerds, Geeks and other assorted lazy lumps living off of Mommy with no ambition or skill whatsoever.
Your Mommy must be so proud.
POLE DANCING | POSTED: MARCH 19, 2010
Word has it, that there is a growing movement to introduce Pole Dancing to the Olympics in either 2012 in London, or more fittingly, Rio De Janiero in 2016. And no, it's not a bunch of drunks dancing to polkas, either. It's the other, fun to watch kind.
That's right, pole dancing considered for the Olympics. You know, that For-Adults-Only activity that goes hand-in-hand with back room, private lap dances, strip teases and crumpled up, beer soaked one dollar bills stuffed into G-strings at Gentlemen's Clubs and Jiggly Rooms around the globe.
Seriously, there is an actual
International Pole Dancing Fitness Association (as seen on Oprah)
that seeks IOC recognition.
Given the lack of enthusiasm many already have with the Olympic Games, I say that Pole Dancing is just what the IOC needs to attract more spectators. The networks no doubt are are already wiping the drool off their chins at the mere prospect of televised Olympic Pole Dancing events. But really now, if synchronized swimming and curling are accepted as sport, why not pole dancing?
The IPDFA actually has some creds as they do have an international competition every year. The reigning pole dancing queen is Mai Sato, pictured.
Sato would be the ideal spokesdancer to hold up to the public due to her training and background in ballet, jazz and contemporary dance from an early age.
But let's be real. Most competitors probably don't or won't have that sort of background, and probably hail from humble beginnings in a trailer park in Pomona, California to crack smoking parents.
First, we seriously doubt that her parents are going to get her out of bed and into leotards at the crack of dawn at the tender age of 6 to begin her daily training.
The parents are either, A, too ashamed to have their little princess train for such a stigmatized activity, or B, too strung out or drunk to even care.
That's why we decided to create ficticious aerial athlete we'll call 'Destiny' and take a hypothetical journey with 'Destiny' on her march toward Olympic Pole Dancing Gold and Glory - The PIG Way.
Sponsorship: First, she'll need financial sponsorship so she can dedicate herself to the rigors of Olympic training. Outside of tips from her night gig, she'll be under the financial guidance of a greaseball Sugar Daddy that will provide all the Bling she needs.
Training Facilities: Like any other dedicated 'athlete,' it's all about training. By day, 'Destiny' can train and get toned and loose at any gymnasium or health club. By night, however, is where she can get paid training and learn the moves and tricks of the trade at any Jiggly Room-like adult entertainment emporium. That's PC for strip club.
Judges: Let's see. Who comes to mind when it comes to mind when it comes to judging a pole dancing competition? Why none other than Al Bundy and his NO-MAAM crew, who the hell else? Unfortunately, Porcus has to disqualify himself as a judge for conflict of interest reasons, i.e. Mrs. Porcus.
Judging Criteria: Like figure skating, all pole dancers will be judged by routine, musical selection, costumes, form and overall performance.
Unlike figure skating, where spectators toss bouquets of roses onto the ice, what ultimately gets 'Destiny' in the winners' circle is the amount of one dollar bills she can collect from the fans, and maybe even judges.
Technique: Again, like figure skating, there have been some memorable, trademark, pioneering moves that have all become standard issue. The triple axel. The double lutz. And who can forget the Hamel Camel?
Pole dancing would be no exception. We may just see 'Destiny' perform some mind blowing patented moves and techniques incorporated into her routine.
Can 'Destiny' hold up a "Free Car Wash" sign while shimmying her pole? Does she have the right stuff to do the always risky, acrobatic Camel Toe Wraparound? Can she perform an entire set with a tray of cold beer while spilling nary a drop?
Doping Issues: Since 'Destiny' is a dedicated performer, we won't feel that a drug test on her would be warranted.
We may, however, be randomly testing the male members of the audience for exceeding the recommended amount of Viagra prior to taking their seats. We do that for crowd control. After all, we wouldn't want any hootin,' hollerin' and God forbid, catcallin' now, would we?
Medal Ceremony: Let's suppose an American wins the Gold. Naturally, there is the medal ceremony where the 'Destiny' stands upon the pedestal accepts the Gold and then the playing of our National Anthem.
Can't you just picture the glorious event, as the opening bars of The Star Spangled Banner is played, the mandatory close-up of 'Destiny'' as her eyes tear up. Then the quick camera shot to her proud parents as Daddy swells with pride.
Be honest. Wouldn't you too be a proud American at that 'pass the hankie' moment?
Then, the victory lap...dance? Seriously.
Endorsements: I don't think the folks over at Wheaties will be breaking down doors to get 'Destiny' on their cereal box, nor do I believe Disneyland will come-a-knocking, either. all hope is not lost on 'Destiny' endorsement-wise, though.
We see some potential lucrative possibilities for her pitching Viagra, Go-Daddy, Victoria's Secret, K-Y Jelly, Malt Liquor, All-Stop® Female Jock Itch products, or maybe even a future in law, politics or more suitably, a News Nit-Wit.
Protests: This is as predictable as Gloria Allred pimping herself for the cameras.
You just know that there will be the usual NO-NAD shrills whining and crusading against either A, men exploiting women, or B, men watching women 'degrade' themselves by showing off their elastic bodies writhing around on a pole in a provactive, acrobatic manner.
The other type of NO-NAD protester would be all in favor of a woman exercising her rights as a woman by freely expressing herself through Pole Dancing as long as men don't watch.
Then of course, there are the "Holier Than Thou" stoned on morality police squadrons staunchly against this sort of sinful, suggestive, gyrating display being showcased on TV internationally as a bad example of what young ladies should aspire to be.
Finally, I know what you're all thinking. Just another excuse for O'Sports Hack to exploit women who want to 'empower' themselves through fitness and sport, huh? Well, you're all wrong, because guess what? I'll need the barf bag for this...there is a Men's Pole Dancing competition, too. Tee-hee.
So sports fans, if you want to become a serious pole dancing aficionado and learn all the techniques and terminology and what to look for in a routine, frequent visits to your local Jiggly-Room is highly encouraged...when safe to do so, that is.
If Pole Dancing actually makes it as an Olympic event and you plan to attend, don't forget those one dollar bills.
All joking aside, Pole Dancing gets an official F.S.O.P. Two Thumbs and a crusty dollar bill donation.
You Go, Girls!!!
CANUCK-ING AROUND | POSTED: FEBRUARY 27, 2010
If you're like me, you find the Winter Olympic games a great cure for insomnia.
On Thursday, the Canadian Women's Hockey team won Gold against the United States with a 2-0 victory.
Big deal, O'Sports Hack.
That's what I said, until I heard what these gals did AFTER the medal ceremony.
The team took back to the ice with their medals, cracked open some brewskies, sparked up some stogies, and relished in their hard won triumph.
How damn cool is that?
Of course, the usual suspects are up in arms about setting bad examples by (some underage) drinking of beer and champagne, smoking cigars and squawking,"What about the children?" and "What a disgrace to our ..."
SHUT THE F**K UP already! Those young women probably went through hell to train, sweat, sacrifice, and go without on their quest for the Gold.
They earned those smokes and I hope they enjoyed them.
O'Sports Hack finds it a bit ironic, if not hypocritical to criticize a little on-ice celebration that features cigar smoking, beer drinking athletes in a sport that has violence as a main attraction.
Canada, you just kicked yourself up a few notches in the PIGDOME by introducing the world to your way cool PIGals. But please, no bikini calendars, eh?
Light 'em up ladies, you earned it.
SUPERBOWL XLIV IMAGES | POSTED: FEBRUARY 10, 2010
Initially, O'Sports Hack did not want to post on the New Orleans Saints Superbowl victory over the Indianapolis Colts.
But upon further review, referee O'Sports Hack decided that this particular victory went beyond the realm of sports and is way worthy of a PIG posting.
That victory lifted the spirits of a long suffering city and state still licking their wounds over Hurricane Katrina.
Since their inception and introduction into the NFL, the Saints were synonymous with being terminal losers.
That all changed with the signing of the new sheriff in town, quarterback Drew Brees.
He came, he saw, he conquered, or Veni, Vidi, Vici in Latin terms, and was dedicated and determined to the city of New Orleans to pull the folks out of the rubble and take them to the moutaintop.
PIG props and hats off to the not only the New Orleans Saints, but also the fine folks that call Louisiana home.
Here's some images for all to enjoy.
THE SIDELINE LOVLIES
HALFTIME SHOW...BEST EVER
TEED OFF! | POSTED: FEBRUARY 04, 2010
The Tiger Woods saga never ends and this episode is just too good to deny or PIGify.
|A BAKERS DOZEN?
We heartily applaud Mike Caldwell's novelty golf ball collection, "The Tail of the Tiger" Mistress Collection, and the increased publicity he has received on behalf of attorney Gloria Allred probably hasn't hurt sales either.
The FSOP thinks Mr. Caldwell could take his endeavor a step further by gratefully acknowledging Gloria Allred and create a Limited Edition Baker's Dozen featuring a likeness of Gloria Allred to whack around, just for sport of course.
Why not tee off and order yours today?
Simply go to:
>>> The Tail of the Tiger >>>
You better hurry and order yours as soon as possible, because that cease and desist order may take effect at any time.
It seems an enterprising Canadian Novelty golf ball maker Mike Caldwell has created "The Tail of the Tiger" Mistress collection of golf balls devoted to Woods' alleged mistresses.
The following is from The Orlando Sentinel:
A novelty golf ball set that features cartoon likenesses of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses has led one of those women to call for an end to their production.
Former adult film actress Veronica Siwik-Daniels (aka Joslyn James), who claims to have had a long-term intimate relationship with Woods, says the balls are insensitive and promote violence toward women.
Attorney Gloria Allred appeared with Siwik-Daniels in Los Angeles on Wednesday arguing that putting the face of a woman on a ball which golfers hit with full force could result in marks on the image that might resemble bruises and may lead to inappropriate jokes about hitting women. Siwik-Daniels says that she loved Woods and had reason to believe that he loved her. She has been in seclusion and has not talked to the press until now.
The golf ball set, "Tail of the Tiger -- The Mistress Collection," bears caricatures of several women who have been linked to Tiger Woods, whose alleged affairs came to light after getting injured in an early-morning car crash at his Isleworth home in Orlando on Nov. 24, 2009.
The Canadian company Creative Classics is selling the set of 12 golf balls with images of Jaimee Grubbs, Rachel Uquitel, Siwik-Daniels and nine others. They sell for $44.95 and the set has already made the company $40,000, according to news reports.
This 12 count collection, each with a different one of the PGA star's claimed mistresses printed on the side, was debuted last week at the PGA Merchandise show at Orlando's Orange County Convention Center.
Caldwell says his design was inspired to lift the spirits of golfer's who are saddened this season by Tiger's absence and his indefinite leave from the sport.
The basic set costs $44.95 or an ornate display pack for $5 more.
In the first three days of selling, $40,000 worth of the balls were sold.
If you think that's funny, it gets way better.
One of the women, Joslyn James, a porn star, retained renowned media glutton Gloria "Lights! Camera! Action!" Allred and sent a cease & desist letter to Creative Classics, the company that is producing the golf balls, requesting her face removed from the collection.
Says James: "It is wrong for a golf ball to have my picture on it — because golfers hit their golf balls with a lot of force. As a victim of violence myself, it bothered me to think that someone would be standing with a dangerous club hitting a ball with my photo on it. I don't think that Tiger would want my picture on a golf ball."
"Hitting a woman or an image of a woman is not a sport…this would be no different than using a picture of a woman's face for target practice."
So, a woman who made her living being "objectified," having an affair with a married man and probably profiting from that affair is now objecting to her likeness being used by golfers "objectifying" her likeness on a golf ball in the false belief that this would lead toward violence toward women?
What a whack job. All we can say is...Fore!
PEP TALKS | POSTED: JANUARY 24, 2010
We're all familiar with Ronald "The Gipper" Reagan's portrayal of terminally ill Notre Dame football player, George Gipp in the movie, Knute Rockne: All American. A very inspiring movie which spawned the phrase, "Let's go out there and win one for The Gipper."
This week, our crack locker room snitch dug up some other inspiring quotes.
#1. 'After you retire, there's only one big event left ... And I ain't ready for that.' (Bobby Bowden/Florida State)
#2. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' (Lou Holtz/Arkansas)
#3. 'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' (Woody Hayes/Ohio State)
#4. 'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation' (Bob Devaney/Nebraska)
#5. 'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' (Bear Bryant/Alabama)
#6. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' (Bear Bryant/Alabama)
#7. 'I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' (Alex Karras/Iowa)
#8. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' (Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee)
#9. 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' (Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State)
#10. 'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' (Shug Jordan/Auburn)
#11. 'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' Walt Garrison/ Oklahoma State)
#12. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' (Bobby Bowden/Florida State)
#13. 'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' (Duffy Daugherty/ Michigan State)
#14. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' (John McKay/USC)
#15. 'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' (Murray Warmath/Minnesota)
#16. 'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' (Knute Rockne/Notre Dame)
#17. 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' (Knute Rockne/Notre Dame)
#18. 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' (Wilson Matthews/ Little Rock Central High School)
#19. 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' (Knute Rockne/Notre Dame)
#20. 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.' (John Heisman/Auburn)
WHY I LIKE SOCCER FANS | POSTED: JANUARY 24, 2010
Soccer. I know I'm not alone in not getting it, at all, especially on TV. As fun as it is to play, and the exercise is great, I can't for the life of me figure out the fascination of watching a bunch of dudes running up and down a field, kicking a ball back and forth to each other with the hopes that someone will kick the damn ball past the goalie into the net.
The time and effort spent by both teams to weasel the ball past the goalie into the net for a single goal just isn't worth wasting 3-4 hours of my time for.
Wow, what with those 1-1 scorefest orgies, and game ending cheap-ass shootouts designed to either to determine a winner, or put everyone on the field, in the stands or at home out of the sheer misery of even watching a snoozefest by determining a winner is still a foreign concept to me, but makes me realize why soccer fans riot.
When O'Sports Hack was a wee lad, Pele was on his way out, a one-named coke snorter named Maradonna was in and Beckham was a gleam in his Dad's eyes, and frankly, soccer was not very popular with us Yanks that don't get it.
O'Sports Hack had the opportunity to be in Europe and Middle East during the 1990 World Cup when the (then) West German squad, led by Jurgen Klinsmann, took the cup against Argentina, led by Maradonna. I have to say that everyone on the continent was hypnotized by the ongoing tournament. If a TV or radio was on, you can bet your last lira that anyone with a pulse was transfixed to the game in play.
On my flight home, I happened to be flying Lufthansa Airlines, which as it happened that day, were flying the entire West German champs to Los Angeles for some North American Soccer prep work for the 1994 World cup to be played in Pasadena, California, I guess.
I happened to recognize the squad as I had in my hand a Euro-Fishwrap that had their photo on the cover and met Jurgen Klinsmann, who saw me, an American as we all approached customs and I remarked to him, "You will go easy on us Yanks in 1994, won't you?"
To my surprise, he very gentlemanly and jokingly replied, "Of course" as he signed a souvenier World Cup T-Shirt for my girlfriend.
Sorry for the digression.
The saving grace that soccer is the side show entertainment - drunken hooligans, rioting, looting, and of course, the soccer babes.
Mia Hamm removing her jersey and spawning a girl's soccer movement in the United States doesn't count as either inspiration or entertainment.
I will concede and give a hearty two thumbs up to international, or FIFA fans, for their ongoing loyalty and passion towards their teams and countries.
That's where O'Sports Hack takes interest. These nutcase's will die for their teams, and maybe kill you, too, if you get in their way while either celebrating their teams victory, or flat out pissed off when their team flames out in defeat.
The fans activities provide for quite a "pictures at eleven" violent, drunken sideshow on news broadcasts, and it's worth watching.
From Holland to Honduras, South Korea to Saudi Arabia, the the fans' fervor of the futbol phenomenon seems to be some sort of common denominator that's alive and well.
The term Soccer Hooligans seems to conjure up images of UK-Style post game activities from either the British, Scottish or Irish fans getting drunk and taking to the streets with torches and pints of ale, tipping cars and looting stores after a match.
Is watching normally mild-mannered sorts torch local businesses after a game worth watching? You bet.
Or how about when the fans start stomping in their stadium seats and half the structure collapses in Mexico City and the fans fall onto the field.
The list of mishaps is endless and you can count on seeing on many more in the future.
Now, about their cheerleading squads. See if you can guess, or care what country these die hards are in support of based on their insignia.
You actually thought there were answers?
WHY NFL QUARTERBACKS NEED SHORT NAMES | POSTED: DECEMBER 23, 2009
TEAM SPIRIT | POSTED: NOVEMBER 12, 2009
Ever wonder what might inspire a team to victory?
Local, community support?
That works, for a while, at least.
The real diehards are those lovley gals with pom-poms, bright smiles and high kicks.
Just think for a moment about all the hard work those women do to not only keep in shape, but to chroreograph all of their moves, inspire the players and crowd at the same time.
Here's some real team spirit from these ladies that make a boring game tolerable.
Worth the price of admission, huh?
WIDE WORLD OF XTREME'S| POSTED: OCTOBER 09, 2009
“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” Will Rogers
From swallowing goldfish and kissing pissed off rattlesnakes and cobras, to flaming sword swallowers and bungee jumpers, there's always, always going to be that certain type of person that thinks they can defy gravity, laws of physics and mother nature.
Hell, we've all been inspired after watching an episode of Superman, to grab Fido's flea infested blanket and making a cape out of it in an attempt to fly off of the garage roof.
With all of your friends and family gathered 'round with morbid curiosity for the inevitable to happen, you pound your chest like Tarzan and hollar, "Up, up and away!" and blindly hurl yourself to the earth, flat on your face.
Down you go, after learning a valuable lesson about gravity. 99.9% of the kid's that do that, realize they have some nasty boo-boo's and find other activities and hobbies to occupy their time.
However, there will always be that certain type that has to find out the hard way. This posting will go beyond the realm of sports, but rather human nature and the extremes certain people take. Some are examples of a roll of the dice that result in triumphant victory, some are so damn stupid, they're tragic and some are just plain fun.
From wannabe daredevils in Greek mythology, like Icarus, to dummies, we're not going to post a "Do not try this at home" disclaimer.
Why bother. In fact, we encourage some of the following activities for those so inclined.
The entertainment value alone is what breaks up dull days for us civilians when we read, see or hear about off-kilter people doing extreme, unnecessary stunts, pranks and death defying, and sometimes death inviting/inducing antics.
There are two types of Xtreme daredevils. Those that take well planned, calculated risks. For some Mother Nature defying reason, they survive. Maybe not in one piece, but after months in traction, they make it and do it again. Probably masochists. The attraction and entertainment value of the Evel Knievel's of this world end up at the bank at the end of the day.
Then there are those that end up on Jackass videos. Terminally gullible, "I'll do anything on a dare, dude" types that end up in emergency rooms, or morgues.
Leading off: Xtreme Pogo Stick Jumping. O'Sports Hack had a trusty colleague dig this head scratcher up:
Pogo artist aims to widen hobby's appeal.
An extreme pogo artist has learned how to leap over cars as he seeks to
bring his hobby into the pantheon of extreme sports.
Published: 9:04AM BST 24 Sep 2009
Able to clear eight foot of air on his stick, Fred Grzybowski also holds
the world record for the number of consecutive back-flips, which stands
"I am so keen to push the pogo stick out there as a recognised extreme
activity," said Mr Grzybowski, 20, from Los Angeles.
"The technology behind the sticks has improved dramatically in the past
decade, so now we are able to make those heights and jumps."
Believed to be the first to combine height, back and front flips, Mr
Grzybowski skill is compared with pioneering skateboarder Tony Hawk.
Using heavy duty rubber bands to provide extra lift, he uses a "Flybar'
pogo stick, which was created by SBI Enterprises and is capable of
launching a 250-pound man five feet in the air.
Mr Grzybowski and his pogo stick are already making a name for
themselves outside his native America.
"I was on film pogoing in the film Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium and I
hope to do more television and films," he said.
XTREME COBRA KISSING
The word Xtreme does not apply here.
One look at the picture tells the whole damn story.
Sheer, Xtreme, out and out suicidal stupidity is actually more like it.
What in the world would compel anyone to play with a deadly, venomous snake? Must be a death wish.
O'Sports Hack does encourage certain people to absolutely try this at home.
Broadway Joe "Willie" Namath's guarantee of a Superbowl III victory over the mighty and heavily favored Baltimore Colts in 1969 is perhaps the most Xtreme statement ever made.
During a pre-game press conference, Joe Namath didn't predict, but boldly stated, "We're gonna win the game. I guarantee it."
Making a statement like that on the eve of the Superbowl would not just rally his troops, but also inspire his opponents to want to bury his face in the dirt.
True to his word, with his reputation on the line, he lead his team to victory.
But there's one other thing that only a guy like Joe Namath could get away with that grants him Xtreme Nads status. Posing in a panty hose commercial.
Hell, it inspired O'Sports Hack to get a few pairs himself, for, oh never mind why.
XTREME TRAGEDY ON THE HORIZON
We've all seen those Xtreme "I'm not afraid of heights" tightrope walkers do their thing without a net.
For what reason this breed of Xtreme types do that, O'Sports Hack hasn't a clue.
They're fun to watch at a circus with all of the safety precautions, but when someone takes it upon themselves to attempt a little public stunt like walking between two high rise skyscrapers working without a net, well, they are on their own.
For an extremely disturbing video clip of the consequenses, click the link below.
Warning: It involves a 73 year old man falling to his death.
"In a year that has been improbable, the impossible has just happened." - Vin Scully
1988. Underdog Los Angeles Dodgers against the Mighty Oakland Athletic's in game one of the World Series at Dodger Stadium.
Kirk Gibson, the League's MVP was sidelined and considered out for the Series due to injuries and sitting in the clubhouse.
Bottom of the ninth, two out, one man on, Dodgers down by one, manager Tommy Lasorda asked an injured Gibson if he would pinch hit. The Oakland A's had the leagues top, and most feared relief pitcher on the mound, Dennis Eckersley.
Gibson answered the call and said "Yes."
He hobbled and gimped to home plate from the clubhouse tunnel with his bat in hand and worked the pitcher to a full count.
Then, it happened. Gibson stated later he knew this pitcher, and was waiting for the magical back door slider.
Talk about throwing a lambchop past a hungry wolf.
He got his pitch and one armed the ball into the right field bleachers, the ball sailing into the October night, limping around the bases and setting the tone for a Dodgers championship victory.
"The impossible has happened!" Vin Scully cried that night from Dodger Stadium, as Kirk Gibson limped around the bases.
Here are the words of the late Jack Buck:
"But, we have a big 3-2 pitch coming here from Eckersley. Gibson swings, and a fly ball to deep right field! This is gonna be a home run! Unbelievable! A home run for Gibson! And the Dodgers have won the game, 5 to 4; I don't believe what I just saw! I don't believe what I just saw! Is this really happening, Bill? One of the most remarkable finishes to any World Series Game...a one-handed home run by Kirk Gibson! And the Dodgers have won it...five to four; and I'm stunned, Bill. I have seen a lot of dramatic finishes in a lot of sports, but this one might top almost every other one."
For an Xtreme inspirational look at perhaps the most Xtreme home run's ever hit, click below.
Watch and listen as the great Vin Scully narrates.
XTREME RED CEMENT
If O'Sports Hack were to include the late great Evel Knievel in the world of Xtreme motorsports, well, I would be in the same bush league as the nine-to-five sports reporters. And just as predictable.
Instead, it's Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! and chock full of potential red cement.
Hell, any half drunk kid with a motorcycle on a dare, can attempt to meet the challenge, and not just act like act like Evel Knievel by jumping 20 Go-Karts on a makeshift, home made ramp, but also experience the agony of being in traction.
Take the guy pictured to the right. I'll bet a dozen donuts he's the type of guy that drags his children out, fires up a bike, and says, "Hey kids, watch Daddy do this!"
People like that are not only potential Red Cementers, but the law of averages just may qualify weekend warrior types to potential Roadkill status.
If you like to watch grown men duke it out in either a boxing ring, on a wrestling mat, in a steel cage or even an NHL rink, go grab a cold frosty and your remote and sit down.
This also has nothing to do with MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) or the old time gang rumbles with chains, tire irons and swithblades.
This an up and coming new venue in the world of professional sports.
O'Sports Hack already knows what you're thinking and the question you're going to ask.
"How is Bum Fighting a professional sport?"
Apparently, a pair of enterprising young men, equipped with a camcorder would approach down and out men living out of a shopping cart, desperate for a drink, or some money would stage back alley street fights and tape them pummel each other.
After the fight, both bums get paid with either a bottle of rotgut or a few bucks cash for their services, thus making them professionals.
CHEW TOY | POSTED: SEPTEMBER 13, 2009
Congratulations, Michael Vick, Mr. Dog Fighting/Torturing Ringmaster, you served your debt to society, and as a convicted felon, somehow managed to cement a lucrative contract upon release.
Your mom must be so proud.
But guess what? Cujo needs a fresh chew toy and you seem to be public enemy number one for all dogs and dog owners and lovers.
O'Sports Hack won't lecture or preach about what a crappy human being you are, because I'm sure many people have already told you what a turd you are.
Wait!!! That's an insult to turds.
But sincerely, we hope you get blitzed, smacked, cracked, sacked and bitch-slapped any and every time you take the field.
No pity for people like you. You're ranking in the penitentary septic system must have been right above the other human crap like rapists, snitches and child molesters. With that thought in mind, I was just wondering, since a female dog is called a bitch, how many "Bubbas," "Hacksaws," "Stabwounds," "Scarfaces" and "Chainsaws" made you their bitch?
The people O'Sports Hack feels sorry for are your new teamates. Wherever you go with your team, your teamates may be subject to the you being the target of anger directed his way, and your teamates will be accused of guilt by association.
Enough of that. I just wasted enough of my time on a sub-human thing like Michael Vick.
I just hope the next time he takes the field, after the anticipated rounding of boo's and fuck you's, someone decides to release the hounds and make him a chew toy.
O'Sports Hack signing off with a foaming mouth and loud "Woof woof."
WARRIORS | POSTED: JULY 12, 2009
Have you ever had the misfortune of working with someone who calls in sick due a stubbed toe, slight cough or broken fingernail and still expect, sometimes demand to get paid?
We all have.
On the other hand, have you ever had the pleasue of working along a true warrior that "walks it off" even while burning up with fever, having a broken bone or debilitating illness against doctors' orders?
This week's edition will take a look at some real warriors in the sports world that played hurt, got hurt, didn't snivel and came back to play through the pain again against all odds.
Here are some bone crunchers, ball busters, nose bleeders and even career enders that that have stood out in recent memory.
* O'Sports Hack wrote some of the following, but lifted the text for the rest. I'll designate what I lifted with an asterisk.
RONNIE LOTT AND HIS FINGER
Everyone knew All-Pro San Fransisco 49er defenseman Ronnie Lott was tough, but he took toughness to another level when he cut off the end of his own finger in order to continue to play.
* At the end of the 1985 season in a game against the Cowboys, Ronnie Lott, then in his glory days with the 49ers, mangled his left pinky in a brutal collision with running back Timmy Newsome. Bone fragments and parts of Lott's finger lay somewhere in the turf. Lott came out of the game briefly -- a game his team won to gain a wild-card berth in the NFC playoffs.
The next week, Lott had his fingers taped so he could play -- in a loss to the Giants. Over that winter, he remained in excruciating pain. He faced the next season with an awful choice: a complicated and delicate operation in which bone and skin grafting and the placement of pins in his hand might restore full use of his hand -- or, he could have the top of his finger amputated. Choice No. 1 meant missing playing time and risking reinjury. Choice No. 2 meant missing some finger but being ready -- Most football fans know how this came out. Lott chose to have the top of his finger chopped off and then went on to his third Pro Bowl season with the 49ers, leading the team to yet another playoff appearance.
DAVE DRAVECKY AND HIS ARM
* Dave Dravecky became a pitcher for San Francisco in 1987. However, after only one season with the Giants, he was sidelined by chronic pain in his left arm. To his horror, doctors located a malignant growth in his pitching arm. They were sure that his career was over. Miraculously though, after a successful operation, Dravecky returned the following season to pitch against the Reds. His 4-3 defeat of the Cincinnati Reds on August 10, 1989 is still remembered as one of the most awe-inspiring moments in baseball.
But Dravecky’s comeback was curtailed. One week later, in his second game back, Dave’s arm shattered while pitching to a batter for the Montreal Expos. He still has a vivid memory of the event: “Just when my control began to slip in the sixth inning, an all-star batter stepped up to the plate. I got the signal for a sinking fastball, started my windup and--CRACK--when I released the ball, even the fans heard the bone in my arm snap. I lurched forward and immediately crumpled to the ground writhing with pain.” Dravecky’s doctors believed briefly that Dave’s arm might heal and pave the way for another comeback. Tragically though, two years and three operations later, his shoulder and pitching arm had to be removed to save his life.
JOE THEISMANN AND HIS BROKEN LEG
In a 1985 Monday Night Football game, Washington Redskin quarterback Joe "Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein" Theismann's leg was snapped by New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor in front of a nation wide audience and considered one of the most graphic sports scenes ever.
* Theismann’s injury used to be the industry standard of gruesome sports injuries...
At the time, the Redskins had been attempting to run a "flea-flicker" play. The Giants' defense, however, was not fooled, and they tried to blitz Theismann. Taylor pulled Theismann down and his hip swung over and landed on Theismann's lower right leg, fracturing both the tibia and fibula. Reasons then joined Taylor in the sack.
"It was at that point, I also found out what a magnificent machine the human body is", Theismann said. "Almost immediately, from the knee down, all the feeling was gone in my right leg. The endorphines had kicked in, and I was not in pain."
As Theismann lay on the field, a horrified Taylor frantically screamed and waved for EMT's Initially, however, many Redskins personnel thought Taylor's screaming and pointing directed at their sidelines was a taunt over the fact that he'd successfully stopped their play. Taylor has said that his animated behavior was largely a claustrophobic reaction to having been trapped at the bottom of the pile that followed his tackle...
While initially only the players on the field could see the extent of the damage to Theismann's leg, the reverse-angle instant replay provided a clearer view of what had actually happened - Theismann's lower leg bones were broken midway between his knee and his ankle, such that his leg from his foot to his mid-shin was lying flat against the ground, and the upper part of his shin up to his knee was at a 45-degree angle as the two linebackers brought him down on the sack. The image of his lower leg bending at such an unnatural angle has become one of the most infamous football injury images ever.
The injury ultimately forced Theismann into retirement at the age of 36. Theismann has never blamed Lawrence Taylor for his injury. Taylor has said that he has never seen film of the play and never wants to. Below is Frank Gifford's commentary of the play as it unfolded:
|"First and ten, Riggins, flea flicker back to Theismann, Theismann's in a lot of trouble. And it was Lawrence Taylor who...slammed Theismann to the ground at the 42 yard line. The blitz was on, that's not necessarily a good play to have called, and quickly Lawrence Taylor is up, saying Theismann is hurt. And I don't believe Lawrence Taylor would have reacted that way unless Theismann, is really hurt... He slammed him, to the natural surface here... The blitz was on, that is not a good call to have with the blitz on... Theismann has no chance at all to get downfield and let's take one more look at it with our reverse angle camera. He's looking deep and he knows he's in trouble. Lawrence Taylor number 56 right there. Carson is number 53. But it's Taylor, over Carson (at this time the leg is shown). And you can see the uh, right knee, the right foot. And I knew that something was uh... really bad when Lawrence Taylor leaped to his feet, and beckoned over to the Redskins bench; get your medical team in here quickly."
CLINT MALARCHUK AND HIS JUGULAR VEIN
And now for the icing on the cake. Pun is way not intended as even The F.S.O.P. has standards. It's posted in the context of the subect and meant to illustrate what a warrior is.
* This is the one gruesome sports injury in which death seemed probable. Clint Malarchuk was a journeyman goaltender who had just been traded to the Buffalo Sabres and the St. Louis Blues were in town on March 22, 1989.
With the puck in the corner, St. Louis winger Steve Tuttle drove to the net with the Sabres’ defensemen Uwe Krupp giving chase. As the puck was centered, Krupp tackled and up-ended Tuttle, whose skate flew into the air and slit the jugular vein in Malarchuk’s throat.
After the net slid off its moorings, Malarchuk dropped to his knees and held on to his throat. Blood spurt between his fingers and formed a growing crimson pool on the white ice around the crease.
Although Malarchuk managed to stay conscious throughout this gruesome sports injury, nine spectators fainted, two suffered heart attacks and three players threw up on the ice. As Malarchuk fought off his desire to sleep, he prayed, asked if he was going to die, and told trainers to tell his mother he loves her. Four days later, with 300 stitches in his neck, Malarchuk returned to practice with the Sabres.
Caution: The following clips are very graphic, and you won't see these on any sports bloopers and outake DVD's anytime soon. You've been warned.
Tough hombres, one and all, huh?
MINDLESS MORONS | POSTED: JUNE 25, 2009
With the Los Angeles Lakers clinching their 15th N.B.A. title, O'Sports Hack had to secure his residence with a nifty crowbar next to his front door.
Why? Because the hypnotized horde of Laker fans are out in full force, and it's common knowledge in my neck of the woods that A) I hate the Lakers and the behavior of their fans, and, B) the Mighty Boston Celtics, aka Laker Killers are the team of choice here at the Sports desk, and if certain elements of SoCal society get wind of that tidbit of info, I'm dead.
The other reason for Mr.Crowbar is that the usual menu of mindless suspects are out in the streets of L.A. tipping cars, looting and commiting other acts of larceny or vandalism, all in the spirit of celebration, of course.
Memo to Laker Loons: If you love your team and city so much, why stain their reputation and that of the City of Los Angeles with behavior befitting drunken, Irish soccor hooligans?
Psst. The only reason the Lakers won is because Boston, due to injuries, weren't the to administer a spanking this year.
Enjoy your glory. Fly those idiotic, annoying Laker flags from your car, because next year, well, we'll wait and see.
See ya next year.
NEW NBA LOGO | POSTED: MAY 31, 2009
Hey, if the shoe fits...
EAT YOUR HEART OUT SPORTS ILLUSTRATED | POSTED: MAY 30, 2009
Sports Illustrated is well known for it's annual Swimsuit Edition.
Good for them, until now.
Move over, SI, there's a new kid in town called the Lingerie Football League that came up with their own calendar, except it's not a Swimsuit Edition, it resembles a Birthday Suit Edition.
When you "sports fans" get done eyeballing and ogling our display, be sure to wipe the drool off your chins and support the lovely ladies of the LFL and order your calendar.
Tell 'em PIG sent you.
POINT-LESS? | POSTED: MAY 29, 2009
|Romanian Tennis Babe Simona Halep is scheduled for breast reduction surgery in the fall. |
The only comment O'Sports Hack has is that she ought to follow fellow Tennis Babe Anna Kournikova and ca$h in on her nature made goodies, and then concentrate on tennis.
Here is one of her quotes on the subject of breast reduction.
"This fall I'll have a breast reduction operation. The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play. It's the weight that troubles me - my ability to react quickly."
Listen, Simona, when you're seeded a paltry 317 with big boobs as your excuse for crappy tennis playing, don't condemn or blame your other marketable assets for your low ranking.
Embrace them, as would I and any other "sports fan."
To be honest, I never heard of the statuesque young tennis player until closet sports fan "Scoop" Hambo fed me this sports lead, link below.
In researching her, I read many quotes, but by far the best came from Hambo, who in his alerting me wrote the following:
She's 5-5, plays tennis and has 34DD headlights.
Your kind of gal?..."
STEELERS TO LOOSE SUPER BOWL TROPHIES | POSTED: MARCH 22, 2009
Team PIG Player, PIGal Terri T. submitted the following breaking news from the NFL front office and Barack Obama.
Updated: March 32, 2009
Pittsburgh, PA. - The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be loosing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.
“We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl.” said Obama “We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times.” Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. “The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well.” Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.
The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, “In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan.”
“My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league.” Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about loosing any Super Bowl Trophies. “The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title.” Obama promises. “We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league.”
The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.
All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans, Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has meet with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to their loosing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream. Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for “Hope and Change.”
SELIG GROWS A PAIR | POSTED: FEBRUARY 19, 2009
|MLB Commissioner, Bud Selig, is thisclose to making our esteemed publisher, Porcus, a very happy dude. Disgusted by the on-going steroid scandal, Bud Selig is considering a very bold move:
Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig reportedly is considering restoring the crown to Aaron, who lost it in 2007 to Barry Bonds.
Bonds is set to go on trial on March 2 on obstruction of justice charges related a federal investigation into the BALCO steroid scandal. Bonds' trainer was indicted on charges he supplied steroids and other performance-enhancement drugs to baseball players through BALCO, leading to speculation that Bonds also had used steroids, allegations he denies.
"This is breaking my heart, I don't mind telling you that," Selig told USA Today in an interview published Thursday, disclosing that he is considering removing Bonds from the top of the home run list. (Fox News)
Just getting started, Selig might - he seems to be having second thoughts - thrill the players union spitless by suspending the Yankees’ All -Star third baseman, Alex ROIDriguez, who admitted that he used steroids from 2001-2003 while playing for the Texas Rangers.
Is Bud Selig finally getting ready to clean up Major League Baseball? It’s too soon to tell, but it’s a job that needs to be done, to restore the honor of the game.
In the case of A-Roid, there may be a loophole which would let him skate away into the sunset on the suspension matter, but the bigger picture involves his Hall Of Fame credentials and his maligning of baseball's fragile reputation.
Mega-rich, high profile players like A-Roid are darkening an already stigmatized sport with performance enhancing substance use, abuse, denial and lies.
Is he destined to join Bonds in the exclusive Home Run Asterisk Wing of Baseball's Hall Of Fame? Time will tell, as this load of stink will follow A-Roid for the rest of his cheating days.
FROM A-ROD TO A-ROID: THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL
"It's only cheating when you get caught" - Unknown
Alex Rodriguez, baseballs' highest paid player, on pace to break either Barry Bonds', or Hank Aaron's all time home run record - depending on Bud Selig's proposed actions.
Alex Rodriguez went from being a highly regarded All-American, once referred to as A-Rod for his impressive playing and once squeaky clean image.
He took himself down a few notches to Nim-Rod status, when it was discovered that he tested positive for a performance enhacing substance...not banned by Major League Baseball at the time. His association with Chipmunk-Toothed Madonna solidified Nim-Rod status.
Not content with mere Nim-Rod status, Rodriguez plummeted further down to A-Hole ranking when he insulted everyone's intelligence when he stated in a press conference after it was revealed that he tested positivein 2003, that his cousin repeatedly injected him from 2001-03 with a mysterious substance from the Dominican Republic.
"Amateur hour," 'Roid stated
"I didn't think they were steroids," the New York Yankees star said. Later, he admitted, "I knew we weren't taking Tic Tacs."
Yankees radio broadcaster Suzyn Waldman, had trouble believing him.
"Do I believe that Alex Rodriguez, who won't have a Snickers bar or a cookie, let his cousin inject him with something that he didn't know what it was? I find that really hard to believe," she told WCBS radio in New York, the team's flagship station.
She wasn't alone.
"I wonder if his cousin even existed," Kansas City pitcher John Bale said. "That was my first thought. Is his cousin made up?"
Rodriquez spent years denying any drug, or banned substance use, but doping authorities guess that Rodriguez was taking Primobolan - http://www.steroid.com/Primobolan.php
For his out-and-out flagrant lies, his further tarnishing the game of baseball, disappointing his teammates, employers and most importantly, the fans of baseball, may the cursed name of A-Roid will forever be a cast over you like a Scarlett Letter.
Mr. Rodrig-Roid, that giant sucking sound isn't those lost endorements bailing on you, it's not the fans giving you the Bronx Cheer. It's...YOU, and you're SOOOO outta here Mr. 'Roid.
CASEY AT THE BAT | POSTED: JANUARY 29, 2009
|This is one of our favorite poems.
Whether you like baseball or not, this prose works.
Casey at the Bat
By Ernest Lawrence Thayer ©
Published: The Examiner (06-03-1888)
The Outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mudville nine that day:
The score stood four to two, with but one inning more to play.
And then when Cooney died at first, and Barrows did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.
A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Casey could get but a whack at that -
We'd put up even money, now, with Casey at the bat.
But Flynn preceded Casey, as did also Jimmy Blake,
And the former was a lulu and the latter was a cake;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey's getting to the bat.
But Flynn let drive a single, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, the much despis-ed, tore the cover off the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Jimmy safe at second and Flynn a-hugging third.
Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell;
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was advancing to the bat.
There was ease in Casey's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey's bearing and a smile on Casey's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Casey at the bat.
Ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance gleamed in Casey's eye, a sneer curled Casey's lip.
And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped-
"That ain't my style," said Casey. "Strike one," the umpire said.
From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.
"Kill him! Kill the umpire!" shouted someone on the stand;
And its likely they'd a-killed him had not Casey raised his hand.
With a smile of Christian charity great Casey's visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew;
But Casey still ignored it, and the umpire said, "Strike two."
"Fraud!" cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered fraud;
But one scornful look from Casey and the audience was awed.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey wouldn't let that ball go by again.
The sneer is gone from Casey's lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey's blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville - mighty Casey has struck out.
Casey at the Bat by Ernest Lawrence Thayer ©
BOTTOMS UP | POSTED: JANUARY 05, 2009
This one crossed PIG's sophisticated radar system and O'Sports Hack had to post it.
It's a new tournament called...Beer Pong.
That's no typo, there really is a high stakes tournament in Las Vegas involving beer, ping pong, college students, alcoholics, beer drinkers, and more beer.
What are the rules and what's the object of the game?
Who cares, as long as you play, you win a free brewskie.
On a serious note, there really is a Beer Pong League.
Top that off while you blow the suds off you're cold one, because there's a Beer Pong World Series.
The following is from Wikipedia, which can do the new PIG Bunker National Pastime some justice far beyond a way thirsty O'Sports Hack:
Beer pong (also called Beirut, Lob Pong, BP, etc.) is a drinking game in which players throw a ping-pong ball across a table with the intent of landing the ball in one of several cups of beer on the other end. The game typically consists of two two-player teams, one on each side of a table, and a number of cups set up on each side. There are no official rules, so rules may vary widely, though usually there are six or ten plastic cups arranged in a triangle on each side. The number of players on a team can vary as well, from one to three or more.
When a ball lands in a cup, the defending team must consume all of the beer inside that cup. The cup isn't generally completely filled. It is also common to have a glass of water with the purpose of cleaning the ball between throws. An August 2008 Time article stated that cups were 1/4 to 1/3 full. The game is won by eliminating all the other team's cups before all of one's own cups are eliminated. The losing team must then consume all the beer remaining in the winning team's cups. The order of play varies – both players on one team shoot followed by both players on the other team, or players on opposite teams can alternate back and forth.
This new revelation has O'Sports Hack wondering why I spent so much time with secondary sports like baseball, football, hockey, girl chasing and frisbee?
I could have cut to the chase and been a contender in Beer Pong.
Hambo!!! Toss me my beer cap opener STAT!!!
EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY | POSTED: DECEMBER 28, 2008
| This year, the Detroit Lions football team went down in NFL history by compiling an awesome 0-16 record, yesterday, December 28, 2008.
How cool is that?
With the Motor City having it's own problems unrelated to football, I guess the Lion's fall from disgrace to plummet to utter laughingstock status would have been a healthy diversion for the good, hardworking folks that call Detroit home, and the Lion's their team.
Instead of pelting the members of the team with rotten cabbage, if O'Sports Hack were Mayor Of Detroit For A Day, I would authorize a ticker tape parade for the team.
After all, how often can a team of professional millionares lay a claim to fame as the worst team?
Why not shower them with accolades? Throw them in the mosh pit. Buy them a beer.
What they accomplished this season is truley amazing. After all, being a part of NFL history isn't easy to achieve, and they (the players) ought laugh it off, and consider the season bragging rights and something they can tell their grandchildren.
Psst. O'Sports Hack has got to know. How many Detroit fans were secretly hoping the Lion's would go...all...the...way into a reversed and perverted form of imperfect perfection as the worst NFL team in history?
Hey Lion's, my nephews Pee-Wee league team needs some tackling dummies and some scrimmage time. Think you can nut up and lose one more...for the kid's?
Enjoy the picture below, as it says it all.
SCREWBALLS | POSTED: DECEMBER 22, 2008
Once upon a time, there was once concieved a few fellas that played ball, their way, by the names of Bill "Spaceman" Lee, Yogi Berra, Tug McGraw, and Casey Stengel.
These were all honorable ballplayers, dedicated to their skill and craft, but they seemed to have been an abstract breed that had originated from two left fields BEYOND left out field.
In other words, certifiably nuts, but downright genius and packed with talent to back up their lunacy.
Men that marched to the beat of a way different drummer.
Men that were screwballs first, and ballplayers second.
Ground Control To Major Tom: We'll start with the Spaceman, Bill Lee of the Boston Red Sox.
He was famous as a lefthanded junkball pitcher with his philosophical insights on life and baseball and love of smoking weed.
Nothing wrong with smoking weed, just share some and pass it Porcus' way, bogart.
Here is a great quote from the great Bill Lee:
“You take a team with twenty-five assholes and I’ll show you a pennant. I’ll show you the New York Yankees.” -Bill Lee
Casey Stengel was a huge part of baseball throughout his long, colorful life.
Aside from his championship years as a player and manager, the only manager to win five consecutive World Series as manager of the Yucky Yankees Dynasty, only to end his career with the expansion New York Mets, the lovable losers.
While many agree that he was a baseball genius and innovator, he was also quite the clown.
It is said that while being introduced during a game, he acknowledged the fan's applause by tipping and removing his cap, only to have a pigeon fly out from underneath.
He is also responsible for creating what is known as "Stengelese."
Notable quotes from the Old Perfessor:
"Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in."
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
"Don't drink in the hotel bar, that's where I do my drinking."
"I feel greatly honored to have a ballpark named after me, especially since I've been thrown out of so many."
"It's wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn't used to like."
"Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits."
"Never make predictions, especially about the future."
"Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful."
"You gotta learn that if you don't get it by midnight, chances are you ain't gonna get it, and if you do, it ain't worth it."
"You gotta lose 'em some of the time. When you do, lose 'em right."
"When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out."
"The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night looking for it."
TWO OF A KIND
|Student And Teacher: Yogi Berra With Manager Casey Stengel
Now we move to perhaps one of the most honest men to play the great game of baseball, Hall Of Fame catcher, Yogi Berra, and he has the championship rings to prove his greatness.
Besides catching and calling a perfect game in the World Series with Don Larsen, he also played under manager Casey Stengel, and distanced himself from the money seeking herd with his famous quotes, also known as Yogi-isms.
"This is like deja vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
Of course, his most famous qoute was,
"It ain't over, till it's over."
The late Tug "You Gotta Believe" McGraw.
McGraw, father of Country music superstar, Tim McGraw was a left handed pitcher for the New York Mets and Philadelphia Phillies.
He won Championships for both teams, and coined the phase, "You Gotta Believe."
Tug McGraw was a colorful character off the field, and it's probably no coincidence that he was the last active major league player to have played under Casey Stengel.
To demonstrate what a loose cannon he was, he once rode to the pitchers mound on a motorcycle.
He once famously said: "Ninety percent [of my salary] I'll spend on good times, women, and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste."
"I have no trouble with the twelve inches between my elbow and my palm. It's the seven inches between my ears that's bent."
When asked whether he preferred natural grass or artificial turf, he replied "I don't know, I never smoked Astro Turf."
THE NAME OF THE GAME | POSTED: NOVEMBER 14, 2008
Does anyone recall when when defenseman Marty McSorley of the Boston Bruins pummeled Donald Brashear of the Vancouver Canucks?
Caused Brashear a concucussion and memory lapses. He got up and played again.
But not before Je$$e Jackson stepped in and demanded criminal charges be filed against McSorley in a Canadian court.
When O'Sports Hack heard that McSorley would be suspended for doing his job as a defensive hitman, and had to face criminal charges, O'Sports Hack couldn't believe it. He's doing his damn job for Pete's sake.
Why is this PIG-Worthy?
Because Brashear is black and McSorley is white and Je$$e had to stick his nose where it didn't belong.
Do you think for a moment that Je$$e, Inc. gives a rip about a sport he and his posse can't even play?
Nope. It's all about the Benjamins in Je$$e's world. And lots of them.
Granted, McSorley delivered a cheap shot, by hitting Brashear in the head with his stick, but crashing into the boards, and getting into fights is part of a professional hockey player's job. Especially, defensemen.
Moral of the story: Know what the hell you're getting into before you lace up and play with the big "crazy white boys on ice."
MOVE OVER P.T. BARNUM | POSTED: OCTOBER 23, 2008
|Promoting sports and the players is as old as dirt.
Who did the best baseball promotions with their antics?
Lots of players and owners, but those are bygone days. Baseball used to have some heavy hitters in the unique character spot in the lineup.
Bill Veeck, when he owned the Chicago White Sox took the cake with his one at-bat performance of a three-foot midget.
Local radio station WDAI went to an all-disco format, and fired popular disc jockey Steve Dahl. Dahl was subsequently hired by rival station WLUP. He created a mock organization called "The Insane Coho Lips Anti-Disco Army" to oppose disco, in which Dahl and partner Garry Meier regularly mocked and heaped scorn on disco records on the air. Dahl also recorded his own parody, Do You Think I'm Disco? (a satire of Rod Stewart's, Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?).
Meanwhile, on May 2, the Tigers-White Sox game in Chicago was rained out. League rules called for the game to be made up at the clubs' next meeting in Chicago. July 12 was to have been a single, Thursday night game, to kick off a four-game weekend series, the last series before the All-Star Break. The first meeting was switched to a doubleheader, and the extra game resulted in the unusual situation of a five-game series. (The White Sox would end up losing four of the five games.)
Dahl and Meier, in conjunction with Mike Veeck (son of then Chicago White Sox owner Bill Veeck), Dave Logan, WLUP Promotion Director, and Jeff Schwartz, WLUP Sales Manager, devised a promotion that involved people bringing unwanted disco music records to the game in exchange for an admission fee of 98¢, representing the station's location on the dial, 97.9. The records would be collected, placed in a large crate in center field, and blown up by Dahl.
The turnout for this promotion far exceeded all expectations. White Sox management was hoping for an additional crowd of 5,000, but a total of 75,000+ turned up instead. Thousands of people were climbing walls and fences in order to get into Comiskey Park, and others were locked out. Off-ramps to the stadium from the Dan Ryan Expressway were closed when the stadium was filled to capacity and beyond.
White Sox TV announcers Harry Caray and Jimmy Piersall commented freely on the "strange people" wandering aimlessly in the stands. Mike Veeck recalled that the pregame air was heavy with the scent of marijuana. When the crate on the field was filled with records, staff stopped collecting them from spectators, who soon realized that long-playing (LP) records were shaped like frisbees. They began to throw their records from the stands during the game, and the records often struck other fans. The fans also threw beer and even firecrackers from the stands.
After the first game, Dahl, dressed in army fatigues and helmet, along with a female "fire goddess" named Lorelei and bodyguards, went out to center field. The large box containing the collected records was rigged with a bomb. When it exploded, the bomb tore a hole in the outfield grass surface and thousands of fans immediately rushed the field. Some lit fires and started small-scale riots. The batting cage was pulled down and wrecked, and the bases literally stolen, along with chunks of the field itself. The crowd, once on the field, mostly wandered around aimlessly, though a number of participants burned banners, sat on the grass or ran from security and police. People sitting in the upper deck could feel it sway back and forth from the rioters.
Veeck and Caray used the public address system to implore the fans to leave the field immediately, but to no avail. Eventually, the field was cleared by the Chicago Police in riot gear. Six people reported minor injuries and thirty-nine were arrested for disorderly conduct. The field was so badly torn up that the umpires decided the second game couldn't be played, though Tigers manager Sparky Anderson let it be known that his players would not take the field in any case due to safety concerns. The next day, American League president Lee McPhail forfeited the second game to the Tigers, on the grounds that the White Sox had failed to provide acceptable playing facilities. The remaining games in the series were played, but for the rest of the season fielders and managers complained about the poor condition of the field.
For White Sox outfielder Rusty Torres (who had singled and scored the only Chicago run in a 4-1 loss in the first game), it was nothing new: Disco Demolition Night was actually the third time in his career he had personally seen a forfeit-inducing riot. He had been playing for the New York Yankees at the last Senators game in Washington in 1971, and had been playing for the Cleveland Indians at the infamous Ten Cent Beer Night in Cleveland in 1974.
According to the 1986 book "Rock of Ages: The Rolling Stone history of Rock and Roll" the event was the "emblematic moment" of the anti-disco "crusade" and noted that "the following year disco had peaked as a commercial blockbuster".
Steve Dahl himself said in an interview with Keith Olbermann that disco "was a fad probably on its way out" but that the event "hastened its demise."
Although Bill Veeck took much of the public heat for the fiasco, it was known among baseball people that his son Mike was the actual front-office "brains" behind it. As a result, Mike was blacklisted from Major League Baseball for a long time after his father retired. As Mike related, "The second that first guy shimmied down the outfield wall, I knew my life was over!"
To this day, the second game of this doubleheader is still the last game forfeited in the American League. The last game to end in this manner in the National League was on August 10, 1995, when a baseball giveaway promotion went awry and resulted in the Los Angeles Dodgers forfeiture.
Much later, on July 12, 2001, Mike Veeck apologized to Harry Wayne Casey, the lead singer for KC and the Sunshine Band, a leading disco act.
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN | POSTED: OCTOBER 10, 2008
Did O'Sports Hack die in the end zone and go to heaven?
Recently, our local News Nitwits aired a story about the Lingerie Football League, or, LFL.
My initial reaction was "No way, thats too damn cool."
Being the somewhat serious, sometimes sober newshound, I think I am, I did some research, and indeed, such a league exists.
The most respectable Wikepedia provided this info.
The concept originated from the hugely successful Super Bowl halftime alternative television special called the Lingerie Bowl, a pay-per-view event which was broadcast at the same time as the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show. The event featured two teams of models playing an American football game while dressed in lingerie. The two original teams were Team Dream and Team Euphoria. Team Dream won the first game with a score of 6-0.
The League is an extension of this idea. The league was expanded to four teams in 2005:
* Atlanta Steam
* Seattle Mist
* Miami Caliente
* San Diego Seduction (originally planned for San Francisco)
* Tampa Breeze
* Phoenix Scorch
The Lingerie Football League will kick off its inaugural season in Fall 2009 with ten franchises including Los Angeles Temptation, Phoenix Scorch, Seattle Mist, San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire, New England Euphoria, Chicago Bliss, Atlanta Steam, Miami Caliente and Tampa Breeze. LFL games are set to air on cable television in Fall 2009.
Now, if those franchises are hiring, I think I could moonlight for any of those "professional" teams as, say, a towel boy, locker room manager, stripper pole shiner, or choreographer for their end zone dances. Better yet, quarterback.
Now if the referees included O'Sports Hack, I must maintain a certain level of integrity as a professional.
Right. For about five minutes.
Seriously, we wish these ladies good luck, and good health.
The LFL seems to beat the socks of the WNBA, whatever that is.
O'Sports Hack just got a penalty flag tossed his way by Kommisar and Commandant, Mrs. O'Sports Hack who exiled me to the garage, but granted me parole after a minute in the hole.
Then, after she granted pardon, she attempted to go Peg Bundy on me. At that point, I ran like Jesse Owens back into the garage.
BONEHEADS | POSTED: OCTOBER 03, 2008
The Free State Of PIG recently posted a Top Story about Pete Rose-ing yourself into obscurity, and, sometimes into oblivion.
Shame on us for not including Bill Buckner-ing yourself into the Bonehead Hall Of Fame.
Bill Buckner's claim to all-time Bonehead Fame came during Game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
Boston Red Sox versus the New York Mets.
Two out, ninth inning, and the Bosox needed one more putout to allow them to scoop up all the marbles, jump for joy, kiss the trophy and claim victory as world champions.
But no, a slow, dribbling ground ball that anyone's grandmother could have picked up with her dentures, was for some reason, travelling right through Buckner's legs, allowing the tying run to score, breaking all Boston Red Sox fans hearts, as the Mets took that game, and the next game to claim World Series victory.
Roy "Wrong Way" Riegels played for the University of California, Berkeley football team from 1927 to 1929. His wrong-way run in the 1929 Rose Bowl is often cited as the worst blunder in the history of college football.
On January 1, 1929, the Golden Bears faced the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California, USA. Midway through the second quarter, Riegels, who played center, picked up a fumble by Tech's Jack "Stumpy" Thomason. Just 30 yards away from the Yellow Jackets' end zone, Riegels was somehow turned around and ran 65 yards in the wrong direction.
Teammate and quarterback Benny Lom chased Riegels, screaming at him to stop. Known for his speed, Lom finally caught up with Riegels at California's 3-yard line and tried to turn him around, but he was immediately hit by a wave of Tech players and tackled back to the 1-yard line. The Bears chose to punt rather than risk a play so close to their own end zone, but Tech's Vance Maree blocked Lom's punt and Georgia Tech scored a safety, giving them a 2-0 lead.
Here's another one that registers with O'Sports Hack.
In a regular season game in 1964, Jim Marshall of the Minnesota Vikings also ran a recovered fumble into his own end zone. Riegels reportedly later sent Marshall a letter reading "Welcome to the club".
The last time the Cubs won the World Series, they had reached it only because, in essence, what the umpires term a "fan interference call" went in their favor.
That call ruined the life of a Cubs opponent, and led directly to the suicide of the president of baseball's National League, 10 months later.
The player was Fred Merkel, a 19-year-old rookie with the New York Giants, starting his first big league game ever against the Cubs on September 23, 1908. As the winning run for the Giants crossed home plate, 10,000 Giants fans stormed the field in New York in celebration. Rather than advancing from first base to second base, as he was supposed, young Merkel hightailed it for the safety of the clubhouse in centerfield. The Cubs got the umpires to call Merkel out, which nullified the winning run and turned their crucial pennant race loss to the Cubs, into a tie.
Merkel was forever after known as "Bonehead," and fans would yell from the stands, "Hey, Fred, don't forget to touch second base."
The Cubs and Giants wound up replaying that tie game to decide the National League Pennant. The Cubs won the replay, they advanced to the World Series and they won the World Series. But the appeals, the lawsuits, and the threats over the rulings on the controversy would lead the National League president, Harry Pulliam, to shoot himself in July of the following year. Merkel never shook that nickname, "Bonehead."
A Bonehead That Blew Chunks
Steve Howe, pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers. This guy, Rookie Of The Year and member of the 1981 Championship Los Angeles Dodgers, just couldn't keep his nose out of piles of cocaine and gallons of liquor.
What the hell compels a dude of Major League caliber talent to get suspended, oh, I don't know how many times, for cocaine use?
You were forgiven, and actually signed lucrative contracts with other teams, even after the Dodger's shitcanned you.
You died because you wouldn't accept the help offered to you for your addiction problems.
That is why you get status on PIG's radar as a Sports Bonehead. R.I.P. moron.
BOWLING WITH CHAIRS | POSTED: OCTOBER 01, 2008
This page wouldn't be complete if we didn't recognize Bobby Knight, former coach of Indiana, and Texas Tech.
Bobby Knight instilled not just a winning attitude amongst his players, but a championship mentality.
And he did it three times with Indiana.
Notorious for his temper, battles with the ref's, or anyone that crossed his path, being arrested for assaulting one of his players, and most famously, inventing a game called Bowling With Chairs.
But O'Sports Hack, Bowling With Chairs isn't a sport. Around my house, it isn't just a sport, it's a survival method.
But when you're in Bobby Knight's warpath, Bowling With Chairs is a sport when he's pissed. Trust me, you don't want to be in the midst of one of his infamous outbursts.
Why, O'Sports Hack is Bowling With Chairs a sport in Bobby Knight's warpath?
Because, it's like dodgeball, you second stringers. If you don't learn how to duck, dodge, weave or hit the damn deck when a flying object the size of a chair is headed your way, you're either clumsy, slow, retarded or are going to get an unwelcome wake up call right between the eyes.
Oh, ye of fragile "self esteem," don't play on his team, because once he's done throwing things midcourt, when you hit the sidelines, he's going to scream at you until teardrops roll down your cheeks if you mess up.
All that said, all of his former players have nothing but respect for Bobby Knight, as he instilled a winning attitude in them, despite his notorious temper.
For some reason, I think Bobby Knight and Mrs. Porcus have consulted with each other, as objects get airborne around PIG's War Room on a regular basis, aimed at me.
Wait, the chair I'm sitting on could be put to way better use if I were to pick it up and toss it...out the door, dear.
UPSET | POSTED: SEPTEMBER 25, 2008
The University of Washington State Beavers just upset the U.S.C. Trojans football team, again.
But O'Sports Hack, why is there any significance to this posting?
Okay, Coach O'Sports Hack is here to explain.
Think about the two team's nicknames, Trojans and Beavers?
Two teenagers getting hot and heavy in the back seat of a car, and dude had better have some Trojans if he wants explore some Beaver.
END OF AN ERA | POSTED: SEPTEMBER 22, 2008
"It ain't over till it's over."
Yesterday was the end of something special in sports history, and yes Yogi, it's over.
The Yucky New York Yankees will play their final game at Yankee Stadium, as it is scheduled to be demolished by scumbag owner George Steinbrenner.
What a prince, huh? Tearing down the House That Ruth Built in the Bronx, New York.
Who can forget the great players that graced the Taj Mahal of Baseball, starting with Babe Ruth, who with Lou Gerhig formed Murders Row in 1927 and mowed their opponents down.
We can move on to the Joe Dimaggio era Yankees, where he made history with his 56 game hitting streak in 1941.
Then we have the great Yogi Berra, who was part of their championship dynasty, who has so many World Series rings, he could choke a dinosaur with them.
Enter The Mick, Mickey Mantle. All time switch hit leader in home runs. It is said that he once hit a home run that landed in New Jersey. How? He cleared the upper deck with a home run that landed on a southbound train headed for New Jersey.
We also have Don Larsen's World Series perfect game, Roger Maris breaking Babe Ruth's single season home run record. Whitey Ford's pitching feats. The list goes on.
And then IT came along. IT is scumbag owner George Steinbrenner, who with the advent of free agency, bought championship teams starting with Reggie Jackson and Catfish Hunter.
Treated his players and managers like dirt if they didn't win, but who can forget Reggie Jackson's three consecutive home runs, on three pitches, by three different Dodger pitchers in one World Series game?
How about those epic battles between Reggie Jackson, Billy Martin and Steinbrenner? Classic, especially if you're a Red Sox fan.
Enough of the Yankees history. O'Sports Hack's very first attendance to a Major League game was at Yankee Stadium. During summer camp, we were entered onto the outfield and got to touch the plaques of the greats in the outfield memorial garden. Awesome.
Add the immense size and beautiul design of the stadium and realizing all the history that took place there, it was captivating.
After last night's final game, I saw the players from both teams scooping up the infield dirt as souveniers. Hell, one dude even extraced home plate.
Was that a pass the hankie moment? No.
What O'Sports Hack is hoping for is the Yankees build a Red Sox friendly stadium where the Sox can bitch slap you in your new digs.
In all seriousness, O'Sports Hack has fond recollections of Yankee Stadium. Sorry you got evicted...but with all your millions, I'm really not.
MELTDOWN!* | POSTED: AUGUST 24, 2008
Is this an ad for "Fast Actin' Tenactin" fungal foot medication? Hardly.
It's more than likely the result of combining Earl Weaver and Bobby Knight, and crossing it with one way pissed off Cuban Olympic Taekwondo medal contender, Angel Matos, seen delivering a wicked kick to event judge, Chakir Chelbat.
You can read for yourself, below, what I lifted from the online reports:
The guy on the left in the above photo is Angel Matos of Cuba, a taekwondo Olympian. But the guy he's kicking isn't an opponent, it's a judge.
Matos was declared the loser of the bronze match for taking more than the allotted one minute of injury time after he hurt his leg. He responded by pushing the referee, then attacking the Swedish judge you see in the photo, Chakir Chelbat. He was eventually dragged out, spitting on the floor as he left.
Cuban coach Leudis Gonzalez refused to apologize for Matos' actions and criticized the judge, saying, "He was too strict." The World Taekwondo Federation immediately announced lifetime bans for both Matos and Gonzalez for what it called "a strong violation of the spirit of taekwondo and the Olympics."
Judging in taekwondo has been under scrutiny in these Olympics, as American bronze medalist Steven Lopez said a judge showed "human error" in one of his matches, and China's two-time gold medalist Chen Zhong was initially declared the winner of a match only to have the result overturned.
But any legitimate concerns about the quality of the judging will likely be overlooked, as the lasting image of taekwondo in these Olympics will be Angel Matos kicking Chakir Chelbat.
Memo to future Banana-Boat-For-Life worker: You're supposed to kick your opponent, not the judge, even if he is incompetent, corrupt, or blind as a bat. When you are highly trained to administer major league physical boo-boo's to people, you are also trained to exercise an even more difficult discipline: Restraint.
While I do agree that you got what you deserved, a lifetime ban, O'Sports Hack has to applaud you for having the Nads to do what many athletes have long felt like doing to an umpire or referee after a blatantly bad call. Put them in their place.
Hope a lifetime in the sugar cane fields was worth it. You better hope Fidel doesn't have a "special" welcome wagon with your name on it when you arrive home to Cuba.
*Okay. O'Sports Hack stated in a previous posting on August 21 that there would be no more Olympic postings. That was until this dude had his meltdown. I simply couldn't resist posting this classic shot. If I plead guilty, can I be placed on double secret probation for a day?
BON APETITE! | POSTED: AUGUST 23, 2008
|Gluttony On A Grand Scale
The "sport" known as competitive eating that has been around forever, at least in my family, has slowly been gaining national attention, especially over at ESPN.
This one has O'Sports Hack scratching his head. How the hell did this ever become a "sport," televised on ESPN? It's more like a County Fair venue, worthy of a blue ribbon at the most.
I was wondering, do these "professional" eaters have agents? Is there a structured farm or draft system? Are there salary caps? Medical or dental plan? Do they receive pensions upon retirement? Like I said, just wondering.
I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, for a minute. Okay, you "professional" eaters have taken the easy way out by playing it safe and stuffing your face with hot dogs, pizza, chili, donuts, pretty much standard fare. Kid stuff.
Let's make it fun. Let's make it interesting. Why not make it a real contest by introducing more exotic cuisine like raw Afghani goat testicles? Yum.
How about live Phillipine hissing beetles?
Why not go Ozzie Osbourne and see how many pigeon heads you can eat? I would actually pay to see that!
Get the picture?
These competitve eating contests should actually be billed as two pronged Gastropalooza's. After all the eating, the 2nd event is as follows:
Now, the real fun begins here, with the encore and Grand Finale. If you guessed a Crap-A-Thon, you're right. After devouring all that food, it's got be digested and then spewed out, somewhere. If you professional pigs, oops, competitive eaters are willing to let the whole world watch you shovel it in, why not let the whole world watch you twist and sweat in pain as you force it out.
If I were commisioner, my rules would be simple: No laxatives. No toilet paper. No gas mask.
O'Sports Hack has a suggestion. If you "professional" human garbage disposals get paid to eat and regard what you do as a "sport," I want to enter competitive beer drinking as a "sport."
I have invested so much of my money in Anhueser-Busch, Heineken, Guiness, Foster's, and too many more to name, that Hambo and I already have honorary corporate sponsorship, and we will tag-team any and all comers, right under the table.
Gotta go! Mrs. O'Sports Hack is filling my trough with slop and I'm starved.
I WANT MY JAY TV! | POSTED: AUGUST 21, 2008
|These Olympic games, boring as they have been, have really steamed O'Sports Hack. NBC has the broacast rights to the games, and seem to saturated the airwaves 24/7.
That's understandable. After all, NBC will generate millions, if not billions in advertising revenue and they want to scoop up all two weeks worth of broadcast time.
What really frosts me, is that every night for years, I have always watched Jay Leno, at least his monologue, but I keep forgetting about the Olympic games being on late at night due to international time zone considerations.
Crap. Who the hell wants to watch the equestrian events or synchronized swimming at 11:30 at night? You've got to be a real dweeb to even care. Almost every night the last week and a half, I automatically grab the remote and switch to our local NBC station only to find the games on. It's at that point, I launch into a mini expletive filled tirade.
If I want to watch some really cool equestrian events, I'll watch a damn cowboy movie. Hell, they can shoot AND ride at the same time.
Synchronized swimming? Bring a lawn chair and cooler and park it at the Rio Grande and watch as those Border Jumpers/Swimmers yell in unison, "Uno, Dos, Tres" and jump in the river like those herds of buffalo you see on National Geographic. That's what O'Sports Hack calls synchronization!
I'm Jonesing for Jay, alright. Hurry the hell up and get back to your show, dude.
My last word about the Olympics, Scouts Honor.
The most interesting story that would be deemed PIG Worthy is the Men's Spanish Soccer team posing in a Spanish (from Spain) newspaper ad making a gesture of what some, especially Asians, found offensive.
Apparently, the entire squad posed making a slant eye gesture. Maybe that's their way of telling the world, "Here we come, Beijing." Funny.
Big whoop. I don't see what the big deal is. Asian women go out of their way to pay big bucks for elective surgery to have their slanty eyes appear rounder.
Now, you don't hear non-Asians crying when we see an Asian opening a pizzeria or a taco joint. That's an "Enter At Your Own Risk" venture.
Sorry for the digression. Whatever most of this report had to do with sports, O'Sports Hack doesn't have a clue and you can red-flag me if you want.
Kindly wake me up when it's all officially over.
WHO PISSED IN THE POOL? | POSTED: AUGUST 12, 2008
|Hambo is going to start wondering about my "orientation", due to the fact that O'Sports Hack is posting on the Summer Olympics, again.
Wait, before I get condemned to the Land Of Hypocracy and Limp Wristers, this one has some merit and is a matter of national pride for America.
I'll backtrack and explain why your once trusty He-Man Sports Hack got interested in the 2008 Summer Olympiad.
See, Mrs. Porcus hid the TV remote and insisted on watching the games, and me being the warden of this asylum, allows her some "yard time" before lockdown. Being the generous dude I think I am, I patiently watched with my inmate, as long as she passed the damn popcorn and cracked open my beers.
Well, O'Sports Hack has been most impressed by the U.S. Men's Swim Team, more specifically, a young man named Michael Phelps, who seems to be an avid collector of gold medals - 8 total - and has a side hobby of shattering world records.
Mr. Phelps, you are a great ambassador, that represents your family and country with class.
You not only pissed in the international swimmimg pool by smoking and bulldozing everyone in sight, especially the French, but you are the Intimidator of the swimming world.
We here at The Free State of PIG are wondering, what the hell are you eating or drinking that makes you such a stud in the water, because whatever your pissing in the pool that keeps your competition away, either has razor blades or gasoline in it, and hell, nothing like sharing some of what you have.
Crap, Mrs. Porcus was peeking over my shoulder while I was writing this and all I can see is a glimmering object. Looks like a blade of some sort.
Wait...yep, plus she has a pot of boiling water that she says after lopping of some "vital" parts of mine, making a stew out of them, she's going to put the rest of the parts in a Glad Bag
FRENCH...FRIED...TWICE | POSTED: AUGUST 11, 2008
Okay, O'Sports Hack has to eat his hat and a slice of humble pie for dessert.
FROM THE LAND OF THE FRENCH FREE
|These American athletes did the impossible and punked the most arrogant, loudmouthed French Swim Team by snatching Gold. How cool is that?
Why? Because prior to what we here in the PIGdome consider an international borefest call the Olympics, we swore, "No Olympic stories."
However, something of note popped up and caught PIG's ear, always close to the rail radar, and if you haven't heard already, you're going to love this.
The Men's French swim team comes rolling into Beijing, with Frenchman(?) Alain Bernard made this comment when asked about Team USA: "The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for."
O'Sports Hack had to do a double take when he heard that a Frenchman said he was going to smash American's.
Gee whiz and shiver me timbers, those words just would scare the life out anyone, (not really) but the fact is, they came from a Frenchy, who with those words, motivated and propelled the American's to not just snatch Olympic Gold, but wave it in Frenchy's faces.
Look Frog's, you need to realize, you are the stepchildren of not just America, but Germany, too. Germany has excerised some visitation rights, as we all know.
Now, for running your mouth, and undermining America and the can-do spirit of our athletes, on your collective way out to America's woodshed, grab Daddy's belt, because we are your Daddy, as of right now, bitch.
Congrats go to the American Men's 4x100 relay swim team. You not only won the Gold, but stood for your nation and showed the world, you don't ever underestimate the American Spirit. Ever.
We here at The Free State Of PIG say, "Thanks, guys, you made your country proud."
Now, you Frogs heading toward the airport, with your tails between your legs, words of advise: Avoid eateries, as you'll notice the lack of feral dogs, cats, bats and civets roaming the streets.
Why? Because you might be the next one in their pot, wok or frying pan.
Did O'Sports Hack mention French? If I did once to often, I apologize, but Tee-Hee, our guys stuck it to them.
TRADING PLACES | POSTED: AUGUST 08, 2008
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, MANNY!
Was our world rocked or bummed when Manny Ramirez split from the Bosox to defect to the Los Angeles Dodgers?
What makes this PIG worthy is our genuine concern for the fact that he went from the cozy confines of Beantown and Fenway Park to Los Angeles, and what we call the real L.A. Zoo.
Manny, we want to introduce you to the leader of L.A's welcome wagon.This handsome fellow will be escorting you to some of L.A.'s Hot Spots, Bel Air and Beverly Hills not included, but a drive-by here and there ain't out of the question.
He's also going be a real good neighbor, too.
He and his Homies, when they're not picking your pockets, and stealing the rims off of your Ferrari, will be way glad to show you around.
Where to, you asked?
The Free Staters Tour Guide suggests you avoid, AT ALL COSTS, the crappy freeway system. If you can drive a car the way you hit 95 m.p.h. fastballs, you may stand a chance.
Eateries: Oh boy, you may be in for a treat, if you like Montezuma's Revenge. Stay with Momma's home cooking.
Breathing: Good luck with all the damn smog clogging us up, you too.
Protection: We're pretty sure that when the L.A. Dodgers picked you up, they insured themselves, and you, with some insurance policies. Cool for them, but how about you? As usual, we're about solutions, and your's would be in the form of a .44 Magnum, maybe a Glock.
Transportation: Ditch the Ferrari's, Lambroghini's, Maserati's, Porsches, and definitely any notion of a brand spanking new Hummer. Why? Because here in SoCal, freaking housewives drive Hummers, and still get carjacked.
What you need is a Sherman Tank or a modern military assualt vehicle. You can motor that mother right down Wilshire Boulevard, and you will by default, be given a wide berth.
Finances: Got you covered there too, Manny. How? O'Sports Hack has a pickup truck which can accomodate all of your extra money, cash only please for which you can deposit right in the bed of the truck.
Any extra cashola? No problem.We've got Hambo at the ready with his trusty wheelbarrows, just itching for some Major League green.
Manny, we wish you well during your temporary stay here in Hell-LA, as free agency and your quest for more jack will lead you to greener pastures with another team, in another city.
Manny, thanks for helping the Red Sox win two championships. Way cool.
Your loyalty factor, frankly...sucks.
GIRLS CAN PLAY GOLF, DAMMIT! | POSTED: AUGUST 07, 2008
What moron said women's golf was not a sport? That moron ought to be taken out and shot, on the spot for excluding such willing participants, as the lovely pictured.
We here at the PIG Open Invitational want to know who in they're right mind would exclude ladies, as pictured, from not playing a round?
That's downright crappy when you get down to the brass tacks of the reputation of the LPGA.
Everyone thinks alot of the ladies on the LPGA are estrogen deficient types.
In many cases, way true, but not in the case of the good sport wearing the official PIG Open Uniform, pictured.
Now, O'Sports Hack wouldn't care for a moment what this ladies score is, because combined, the Hambo and Porcus Team blow chunks, with a combined over 400 par average, mostly due to the pizza and brewskie intake, plus, visual assault from Mrs. mammary, pictured.
Now, what we could use from her is a good...
Oh screw it. Porcus is a damn horndog and wanted to display some mighty fine golfclubs...being wielded by a sweet young thing.
Golfsters of the PIG persuasion, hit the greens, tee off, say "fore" swing away, aim at a Korrectnik and keep your fingers crossed in hopes meeting a sweetie like her.
As usual, I'm hot water with the Mrs.
Today's weapon of choice is a nail gun, aimed right at my back door. Wait, she also recruited Pedro the gardener with a damn rototiller to rip up my little, Ladies Only miniature golf course.
Well she said she was sorry, and has commenced to taking a claw hammer to remove the nails.
When I said, "So, any chance those "woods" and "irons" that got locked up on our wedding day can ever be dusted off?"
Nails were quickly reinserted. Ouch!
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, TONY HAWK | POSTED: AUGUST 07, 2008
Who is this, you ask?
An American who had more balls than brains, with lots of foresight in thinking, "I can scale the Great Wall of China with my skateboard."
Well Mr Danny Way evaluated the situation, and he, his trusty skateboard, with the help from some some American engineers who designed and built two ramps for him, one to allow him to build the necessary speed on the way down, and another to propell him skyward, over the wall.
Ta-Freaking- Da! This dude did what the Mongol hordes failed to do, did O'Sports Hack mention five freaking times?
For you ladies out there, we dug up personal info on Mr. Danny Way.
Real Name: Dude.
Friend's Names: Dude
Girlfriend's Name: Dude
Pet Goldfish Name: Dude
Mom's Name: Dude
In all seriousness, Mr. Way, The Free State Of PIG salutes you in your creativity, innovation, and the set of Nads you displayed, doing what you did.
Eat your heart out, Ghengis Khan, and in your face, Ping Pongers.
We're going to set up a link, so that folks can read it in his words.
Danny Way: Great Wall
THE GREATEST PLAY EVER MADE | POSTED JULY 13, 2008
The following was found in O'Sports Hack's private reserve of archived reference material while looking for something to entertain Sports Fans of the PIGster persuasion.
THE SHOT SEEN 'ROUND THE WORLD
|Cubs center fielder Rick Monday runs with a U.S. flag after taking it away from protesters who intended to burn it. James Roark's classic photo of Rick Monday is one of the most famous shots in baseball history.
James Roark/L.A. Herald Examiner
The article was written over twenty years ago, 1996 to be exact, in the Los Angeles Times.
At this time, the author's name is unavailable, otherwise we would gladly publish it.
This one goes way beyond peanuts and crackerjacks, Patriotic PIGsters, so we hope you enjoy.
RICK MONDAY: SPIRIT OF '76
Rick Monday remembers arriving at Dodger Stadium, opening a letter, reading the words of a Vietnam veteran thanking him for saving the American flag from burning on April 25, 1976.
"Letters every week," Monday said. "All sorts of letters. For a piece of cloth."
Twenty years, and Monday's smooth voice still trembles at the telling.
"I've gotten a thousand questions wondering if I'm disappointed being best known for something that had nothing to do with baseball," Monday said. "My answer is, absolutley not."
It was the bottom of the fourth inning at Dodger Stadium. Ted Sizemore was the Dodger batter. Monday was the Chicago Cub center fielder. The count was 1-0.
We could tell you what happened, but Vin Scully will always do it better:
"Wait a minute, there's an animal loose...two of them...all right...I'm not sure what he's doing out there...it looks like he's going to burn a flag...and Rick Monday runs and takes it away from him!
The animals were an unemployed 37-year-old man from Eldon, Mo., named William Errol Thomas and his alleged son. They got onto the field through the third base seats and ran to shallow left field.
Monday saw them stop there. Saw something being laid out, "like a picnic blanket." Saw the glare off the bottle of clear liquid.
"I said to myself, 'That's a flag, and that's lighter fluid,'" Monday recalled.
Monday had completed six years in the Marine Corps reserves. He had lost friends in Vietnam. He had heard stories of his father in the Army.
He knew all about the prices that were paid for something that allowed him to go from an average Santa Monica schoolboy to a very rich baseball player.
"It wasn't about having some military background," Monday said. "It was about appreciating your freedom."
While others stood and watched, Monday ran.
He saw William Errol Thomas light a match. For a moment, he thought he would be too late. Then he realized he would not have to save the flag alone.
"A gust of wind came along and blew the match out," Monday said.
Before the second match could be dropped, he had grabbed the flag and was carrying it off the field. He passed then-third base coach Tom lasorda, who was running towards the fools and cursing. He handed the flag to Dodger pitcher Doug Rau.
He returned to his postion amid a standing ovation.
Twenty years and Monday can still hear what even Scully missed.
"As the cheering died, everybody in the stands started singing 'God Bless America,'" Monday recalled. "I was stunned. I stood there and got chills."
Monday was invited to a couple of parades. William Errol Thomas was fined $60 for trespassing. The story figured to die.
But Monday soon learned that his story was about something that does not die.
"Every year I heard about it, every week, all the time," said Monday, a Dodger announcer for the last three years. "People thanking me. All sorts of people."
He retrieved the flag and hung it simply in his living room, in front of the only photo taken of the incident.
The Dodger computer people produced a replica of that photo that will greet him every time he turns on his laptop.
The man who took that photo, another hero named James Roark, fromer photo editor of the defunct los Angeles Herald Examiner, died last year after being beaten by four teenagers on the streets of Portland, Oregon.
But the story lives, because of something that does not die.
"That Vietnam vet wrote that he was in a jungle hospital for eight months, and the only thing that kept him going was thinking about the piece of cloth," Monday said. "Twenty years later, he wanted to thank me for saving it."
What would happen if somebody tried to burn a flag in a major league outfield today?
Barry Bonds would grab it, sign it and put it up for sale.
Brett Butler, knowing Betsy Ross was a non-union worker, would ignore it.
Albert Belle would forget about the flag and set fire to the hippe.
Jose Canseco would grab for the flag and miss. It would then bounce off his head and over the left field fence.
Rickey Henderson would drape it around his shoulders and immediately declare himself president.
Jim Edmonds would taunt it.
Kevin Mitchell would eat it.
Worse yet, if it happened today and Rick Monday tried to stop it, Monday would be arrested for infringing on the rights of others. The flag burner would be the hero.
Monday has only one thing to say to those such as Denver Nugget guard Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, who recently refused to stand for the national anthem.
"I would tell him, 'If you want people to respect you, you have to respect them,'" he said.
Twenty years, and Rick Monday has not aged a day.
"People sometimes say. 'You're corny,'" Monday said. "I don't care if I am corny."
- Author Unknown
WHY WIVES ARE ALLOWED TO HIJACK THE TV REMOTE
Ever want to kick back, open a cold frostie and watch a ballgame, but your significant other, usually a wife or girlfriend, or in some cases, your boyfriend insists upon watching figure skating?
You want to keep a peaceful and harmonious domicile, so you relunctantly give up the remote and figure, "What the hell, the sports bar down the road will have a broadcast of the game I want to watch."
That usually happens to non-whipped dudes as they're on they're way to the sports bar until they see the lovely pictured, with dropped jaw, and a sudden interest in figure skating.
Name: Anna Semenovich.
Profession: Figure skater.
Accomplishments: Beyond her measurements, what dude really cares.
Quoted As Saying: " Behind the bust they do not see the person."
O'Sports Hack says, "Right, exactly."
So, next time your wife insists upon watching figure skating - with you - you may want to stick around and catch those glimpses of booty under those micro mini skirts during a triple axel, and we already know when you do, you're also checking the manicuring of her front yard, too.
I wish I had a doghouse to retreat to, because Mrs. Porcus saw this, after forgiving me for the Swedish Bikini Team posting, and has called in reinforcements for this one. They've got the car started and live jumper cables connected and aimed straight at the Porcus most personal marble collection, while another has fondue forks going for my eyeballs.
PIGster's, I'm about to take one for the team, and while I'm recovering, I hope you enjoy.
HOW SWEET IS THIS?
If you witnessed The Boston Massacre, Part Two, last night against the L.A. Ladies, and were loving it, you're always welcome to play with Team PIG and Mr. O'Sports Hack.
THE ULTIMATE PRIZE
Paul Pierce, Celtic Warrior, with his lifelong goal, in his hand, finally. You earned it, dude.
Did any of you PIGster's hear that giant sucking sound eminating from the Boston Garden last night? O'Sports Hack did. It was the sound of the L.A. Ladies laying down like stuck little pig's and squealing, begging for mercy. The sound of music.
Where were the real Laker's? In the opening minutes, Kobe Bryant was on fire, nailing three pointers from beyond the perimeter.
At that point, O'Sports Hack had to be restrained with a straight jacket by Mrs. Porcus, thinking I may harm myself if the Ladies beat the Celts, as I wanted to hurl a brick at my TV at what I thought was a Celtic defeat.
Obviously, not the case. The Mighty World Champion Boston Celtics must have saved up their extra special reserve cans of Whoop-Freaking-Ass, opened them up, and went downton Beantown on L.A. just for this momentous occasion, and was it ever.
The Celtics not only bent over, bitch slapped, punked, spanked and dismantled the L.A. Ladies, but stuck some old fashioned boots on their feet and after dislodging them from the collective Ladies' asses, drop kicked them straight to Boston's Logan Airport, with Ladies tails between their legs.
In the process, the Celtics wiped that smartass, "I'm gonna beat you" smirk off of Kobe Bryant's face.
Yes, what Boston did to the Ladies was not only brutal, but beautiful.
However, before the Ladies left, during the post game press conference, Kobe Bryant was asked the usual Numbnut, News Nitwits question, "How does it feel?'
Kobe's response: "It sucks."
Damn right, but not for the Mighty Celts and the city of Boston.
Congrats, big time, Mr. Pierce, Garnett, Allen, Rondo, Coach Rivers and the rest for delivering and earning yourselves the World Championship.
Now, about the parade and ensuing riots that are bound to occur in the city of Boston.
Bostonians of the maniacal, drunk persuasion that will no doubt get the urge to tip cars and jump in the Charles river, do you think you can save some of that enery long enough to catch a flight here to SoCal and do the same to some of our more delusional locals that still think the Ladies are still in it?
Memo To Lakers: Go home, nut up and admit defeat, play golf, make love to your beautiful wives that you cheat on, have Tony tune up your Ferrari's and we'll see ya next year, huh?
Memo To Celtics: Thanks for silencing the L.A. Lady Zombies. With your most triumphant victory, thanks to you, us SoCal residents have not been subjected to annoying horn honking and dumbass banner waving from the Zombies.
SPORTS BABE, DELUXE
If a picture tells any kind of story, this one that Hambo captured, says it all.
Female pole vaulter? That pic has Porcus' heart a flutter.
Do you know how many metaphors we came up with regarding the term, "Female Pole Vaulter?" Your sick minds and imaginations would be pretty much in tune with the male members of PIG's Staff. Pun intended.
Let's see. We do not in any way want to demean this pole vaulters talents, just recognize them, and looks to us as if she has many, male pole vaulting skills or experience included, and she ever feels the need to practice her pole vaulting skills, the entire male PIG staff "members" are already fighting to get first dibs on Mrs. Long Legs.
If you horndog PIGsters enjoy that sweet bit of eye candy, stay tuned, as Sports Hacks Hambo and Porus will always strive to give you the latest in off-beat sports coverage.
Crap, gotta go. Mrs. Porcus, aka, The Exploder, saw me and she's approaching me with a cast iron skillet. Her target? The back of my head for drooling over that most beautiful young woman pictured.
If for any reason I don't make it out the intensive care unit after Mrs. Porcus administers her brand of discipline, my final words are, "Yum yum."
LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE
Barry Bonds. What is he doing here, gracing, or rather, disgracing the Free State of PIG's pages?
Pretty much, nothing, but what we're doing with this big fat steroid cheater is displaying an example of what "Pete Rosing" yourself can do to a once promising career.
Bonds, if your late father Bobby Bonds were alive, he should disown you. You have disgraced his good name by lying and comitting perjury.
Second, you cheated, you know it, and your so called "home run" record was not even recognized or acknowledged by the great, real home run king and gentleman, Hank Aaron.
Don't think you will make it to Cooperstown, Baseball's Holy Of Holy, The Hall Of Fame.
O'Hacks prediction is you may make it to Leavenworth.
That's right, a Federal joint, where you're going to need the bat you used to cheat and lie into the record books to defend whatever kind of manhood you have left with your cellmate.
Bonds, you have maligned your father's and family's name, gave America's National Pastime a bad name, and impugned your own name and character.
Good luck, washed up, asterisk liar, you're going to need it. Say Hi to Michael "I Pete Rosed Myself" Vick when you get where your going, liar.
PIGsters, we promise, no more Bonds on these pages.
HOOPS: BOSTON CELTS vs. L.A. LAKERS
Game One, Boston Garden. Victims, Los Angeles Lakers. Classic, historic rivalry, and intimidating indeed for any visiting, opposing team to enter the sacred Boston Garden...for the finals and all the marbles.
How historic? Let's go over some stats. During the Lakers/Celtics championship series over the years, the Jerry West/Wilt Chamberlain/Kareem/Magic era Lakers, combined, LOST 8 times to the combined Bill Russell/Bob Cousey/John Havlichek, and Larry "The Legend" Bird era Celtics.
Porcus O'Sports Hack, a die hard Celtic fan actually felt sorry for Kobe Bryant and his Laker posse when they took to the historic parquet floor in Boston.
Kobe, a great, talented competitor, looked as if he was going to soil his shorts just prior to tipoff. Kobe Bryant, a warrior on the court and a man with three championship rings to his name, looked like a scared little kid as he stared at Boston's championship banners hanging from the rafters.
Now, enough about that. Time to give props to the Celts and their sixth man, their fans.
Very rarely can a visiting team make the Celts their bitch by spanking Boston in Boston's own house. Security for the visiting Lakers must be pretty tight, plus meals are more than likely delivered to the Lakers hotel suites while they're in Boston.
Celts: 98. Lakers: 88 for game one.
Game Two, tonight, in Boston. If Boston loses, well, I won't eat my hat or your shorts, but I will walk up to the first catatonic Laker zombie I see and shake it's hand.
The one thing Porcus O'Sports Hack can't stand is these morons that insist upon displaying Laker flags on their rides. They wear the T-Shirts, etc. I double dog dare any Laker fan to try that crap through Boston's South End. If Zombie Laker fan has the huevos to do that, all I can say is you either have a death wish (suicide by Celtic fan) or you're flat out stupid. The only redeeming factor about the L.A. Lakers is their cheerleading squad. Yummy.
Final Note: If you should happen to hear a story on the news about the lone Celtic fan here in SoCal getting his ass kicked, knifed in the back, tarred and feather, that would be me.
Stay tuned, sports fans, because a game two recap will be posted.
Game Two: Boston Garden and the Celtics dismantled the Lakers for most of the game with surgical precision and their trademark defensive skills. The Lakers did stage a mighty comeback effort after being down by 24 points in the fourth quarter, but the clock ran out for Boston to claim victory and a 2 games to none advantage.
Was it just me, or did anyone else notice that maybe someone peed in Kobe Bryant's and Phil Jackson's Wheaties? Maybe it was the combined pressure of the moment and situation, and Celtic fans that managed to push his buttons and get inside his head.
Or could it just so happen, the Celtics are the better team? So far, appears that way.
Here in SoCal, the News Nitwits, Phil Jackson & Co. are all sniveling about the ref's so-called "bad calls" against the Lakers during game two. Boo-hoo. You wouldn't hear a peep out them if the calls/fouls were in their favor.
Nut up, man up, Lakers and Laker fans, that's the way the ball bounced, and if the Lakers had won, the so-called "bad calls" would not even be an issue. The cookie didn't crumble your way, so live with it and re-group and play your game and accept the results of the outcome.
Now the Celtics have to put up with Laker fans and the TV viewing audience has to put up with those hideous close up shots of Jack Nicholson, Dyan Cannon and the rest of the transparent Hollywood bangwagon.
The pressure is now on the Lakers, big time, to take the next three in their house, before returning to Boston's House Of Horrors, The Garden.
Porcus Prediction: If the Celtics can win at least one game in Los Angeles, they'll be hoisting another banner when both teams return to Boston. If not, and the Lakers pull off a miracle by winning three straight, well, then it's a series.
The great thing about the Celtics victory, is that here in SoCal, we're not being subjected to or visually and audibly assaulted with morons honking horns and displaying their Laker banners on their uninsured heaps. That kind of silence is more than golden.
Good luck, Lakers, you're really going to need it, and for once, I actually feel sorry for you that the Mighty Celts have so far been taking you out back and opening a hefty can of Whoop Ass on you.
Thanks for tuning in to my free throws and pot shots. Stayed tuned for a game three re-cap,
Note: Kobe Bryant was seen casually strolling down the streets of Boston, in civilian clothes. Dude, are you nuts and have a death wish? Your teamates need you. Can you hold off on your quest to get offed by Boston fans in public, until after the series, please?
Game Three, Los Angeles.
Crap, the Lakers squeaked out a victory, but that didn't hurt as much as the previously predicted close ups of Jack "Here's Johnny" Nicholson, Dyan "Botox Shots Between Games" Cannon, $pike, "White Men Still Consider Black's Slaves, Even Though I Rip Off Whitey For Millions By Making Meaningless Films, Play The Race Card, And Try And Instill White Guilt" Lee. Barf bag, STAT!
Please. Enough already. OK, back to the game. The Lakers, as predicted, won one in Hell-A, barely. The Celts almost snatched one, but Kobe & Co. finally showed up with game faces on, executing three-pointers, free throws and mostly playing their game that got them this far.
We reluctantley, between bites of humble pie, say 'Congrats' to the Laker team, not their brain dead fans.
While watching the game on TV, I commented to Mrs. Porcus about the lack of crowd participation and passion in Los Angeles, as compared to the fans in Boston. I explained that they're just on the Lakers Bandwagon and need some face time on camera. She agreed and converted to Celticism on the spot.
On a more serious note, I was paid a visit by a posse of Legitimate Businessmen Of The Olive Oil Importing persuasion that were concerned with my friendly wagers on the series.
They introduced themselves as fellow paisans as Guido, Luigi, and Giovanni, along with 'Lil Ravioli, who sat in the corner sharpening his machete, Big Lasanga in the other corner, who kept playing with Glocks, Larry Linguini, a real creepy sort who felt at home in my clothes closet, Chef Boy R'Dee, boiling cooking oil in my kitchen, and this one really annoying migdet called Shrimp Scampi, whose specialty is doing cartwheels and sumersaults with chainsaws.
After untying me and taking the gag out of my big mouth, Luigi asked, "So, you want for us to take care of the person that owes you the money?"
I persuaded them that I can handle it, and they in turn said great, we have to go down to the marina, hijack a boat and deliver some dead fishes.
That's their business, ours is skewering brain-deaders in the form of Laker fans, on this page, at least..
Stay tuned for a Game Four re-cap.
Holy Smokes. Did my Celtics stage an awesome comeback from a 24 point deficit in the L.A. Ladies own house, with Jack "Here's Johnny" Nicholson, witnessing the greatness of the Celtic's, only for the Celts to comeback, claim victory and take a 3-1 advantage.
How sweet is that? Gee whiz, perhaps I'm the only dude here in SoCal that relishes the thought that my Celtics are kicking Laker ass, again.
The great sidenote of this series is the fact that Mrs. Porcus converted from an L.A. Ladies fan to a Boston Celtic fan.
The silence from L.A. Ladie Zombie fans here in SoCal is becoming increasingly deafening, and really even sweeter.
If there were one word to describe the way the Mighty Warriors aka, Boston Celtics tossed around the L.A. Ladies, in their own house like limp ragdolls, that word would be...Awesome!
If there is one thing to be learned about this, it's that no matter how far the chips are down, as long as there is a sliver of hope, you, me, anyone can overcome perceived defeat and end up victorious.
Now, should the Little L.A. Ladies attempt at a comeback in Game Five, and actually act like the great team they were, not to worry, because it's going back to Boston, no matter what.
Once again, good luck Ladies.
See you PIGsters later, after Game Five.
Game Five. OK, the Lakers lifted a cheek and squeezed a stinky one out against Boston in Los Angeles. Crap. But Mr. O'Sports Hack has to admit, Kobe Bryant came out swinging, but then was cooled down by Paul Pierce (38 points).
Valiant efforts on the parts of both teams, especially the Celts. Why, Mr. O'Sports Hack, they lost?
Exactly. The Celts are psychologically getting into the Laker's heads by allowing the Laker's to win at home, so the Celtics can draw the Laker's into Boston's House of Laker Horrors, claim victory, capture the trophy, rings and hoist the banner in Boston, duh.
Do I feel sorry for Laker's and Laker Fan when their fate and impending doom will be sealed in Boston by a Celtic victory?
© Copyright 1993-2013 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette