Life is, as a wise son of a bitch once said, one damn thing after another. When 'one damn thing after another' reaches the dreaded, 'one damn thing too many after another' level, it's time to get your mind off it, somehow. Thanks to modern entertainment technology, in all its diverse forms, your escape route offers numerous choices. Just for fun, we'll examine some of them, briefly.
Talk radio is informative, and readily available over the government's stolen airwaves, but, in too many cases, it's more likely to piss you off, than help you chill out. Music stations are a crap shoot where your odds of finding something worth hearing depends on where you live. Cyberspace offers many diversions, including full length movies, but why watch that on your computer monitor instead of that big screen boob tube in your den?
Speaking of the boob tube, let's spend some quality time examining it in greater detail. When it comes to elements of objective reality that amaze, amuse, annoy and intrigue us, the boob tube is replete with PIG-worthy pitstops.
One of the first things we noticed about the boob tube is the fun fact that some of channel names aren't in the same universe as their programming fare. Just for fun, we'll look at some prime examples.
Channel - TRUTV
Formerly Court TV, TRUTV is ground zero for mindlessly macho 'reality' programs such as:
Bait Car, Bear Swamp Recovery, Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura, Full Throttle Saloon, Hardcore Pawn, Lizard Lick Towing, Operation Repo, South Beach Tow and Storage Hunters
TRUTV? I don't think so Tim. Given the militantly macho tone of it's programing, TRUTV should change its name to Testosterone TV. When, exactly, did testosterone poisoning become a hiring criteria for reality show actors? Enquiring minds want to know.
Channel - TLC (The Learning Channel)
Is TLC dedicated to 'Learning'? If you're thinking '3-Rs' the answer is no. But, if you're a fan of sideshows, human oddities, and freakish behavior, you'll learn more than you want, or need, to know about that.
Just for fun Here's a suitable sample of the TLC shows that will make you 'learn' what you didn't need to know:
If you're interested in seeing parenthood taken to extremes, TLC has two shows that will get 'er done. 'Toddlers & Tiaras' is a grotesque blight on the boob tube dial which features stage mothers from hell who tart up their rugrat aged daughters for the promised land of pedophilia, the wenchlet pageant circuit. '19 and Counting' showcases Jim Bob and Michelle Duggart, plus their 19 offspring. We're trying, without any success, to be 'thrilled spitless' that Michelle Duggart has upgraded her nads from a clown car, to a clown BUS.
If you're interested in EXTREME human behavior, TLC will help you LEARN all about that, too. 'Freaky Eaters' will ruin your appetite with its tales of alleged humans with strange food obsessions. 'Hoarding: Buried Alive' will give you a whole new perspective on Little Johnny's or Moonbeam's messy room. 'My Strange Addiction' focuses on people whose extremely obsessive antics will make you feel much better about your weird Uncle Festus.
Given its programming fare, why doesn't TLC change its name to 'TSC (The Sideshow Channel)'? Enquiring minds want to know.
Channel - A&E (Arts & Entertainment)
If you expect A&E to be a lonely outpost of culture on your cable lineup, you're too late. Yes, there was a time when A & E offered episodes from PBS's "Mystery" series featuring Sherlock Holmes, Nero Wolfe, and Hercule Poirot. A&E also offered no bullcrap excellent fare like 'I Claudius' and the Shakespeare plays.
Those days are gone, and so are the 'Arts' proclaimed in their name. That leaves 'entertainment' which is on life support, thanks to A&E shows like Shipping Wars, Storage Wars, Hoarding, Billy The Exterminator, Dog the Bounty Hunter (A Porcus favorite) and Parking Wars. Parking Wars? Meter Maids and clowns who wrangle those ride immobilizing tire boots? That's what passes for Arts & Entertainment? I don't think so, Tim. Has American culture sunk this low? Enquiring minds want to know.
Channel - The History Channel
Long ago, We the PIGs dubbed this one the 'Hysteria Channel', due to its penchant for histrionics. It does poop out the occasional 'history' program, but even those are so replete with political correctness and self-serving bullshit which labels it 'history' is erroneous in the extreme.
If you haven't made a pitstop at the Hysteria Channel lately, here are some hard core 'history' fare that you're missing:
American Pickers, Ax Men, The Bible Code: Predicting Armageddon, Big Shrimpin', Cajun Pawn Stars, Extreme Marksmen, Full Metal Jousting, Ice Road Truckers, Jurassic Fight Club, Life After People, Mega Disasters, Monster Quest, More Extreme Marksmen, Nostradamus Effect, Pawn Stars, Sharp Shooters, Swamp People, UFO Hunters
Two of the aforementioned programs deserve special attention:
'Life After People' is a humanity hating, tree boinking Greeniac's wet dream, since it makes them orgasmic with views of a world where all those pesky humans have been expunged. If you listen closely, you can hear the heavy breathing of all those people hating Greeniacs.
'Monster Quest' features some of the stupidest alleged humans ever born doing moronic things that make you nostalgic for the relative sanity of junk science. It might not be in the same universe as science, and it's perpetrated by morons, but it does have one redeeming element: Monster Quest is, unintentionally a real hoot.
My favorite episode deployed the Monster Quest 'Team' to New Guinea to track down a flying monster that's big enough to pluck a grown man off the ground and dump his carcass in the top of a very tall tree. Faster than you can say 'tinfoil hat zone', they decided it's a pterodactyl, one of those flying reptiles that's a fixture in dinosaur flicks.
During the show, several magic moments put us on the floor, laughing like mental patients. For some reason, elements of objective reality that perplexed, the Monster Quest Team, seemed perfectly obvious to us. For example, the Monster Quest Team seem shocked, dismayed and horrified by the evil New Guinea climate, not to mention all the insects, snakes and other vermin. If they'd bothered to ask a rational adult - one of us - we would explain that New Guinea is an entomologist's wet dream that has three weather seasons: Sucks, Turbo Sucks, & Don't Even Think About It.
We'll finish our look at this episode by sharing two magic, Monster Quest, moments. The first involved their 'bought it on sale at eBay' heat signature camera which dazzled them by detecting a GIANT heat source. TA-DA? Not exactly. It was an 'elephant bug' which is a flying, June Bug size, critter who took pity on these morons and decided to give them a thrill by landing on their camera lens.
The second laugh-inducing gem happened while the breathless narrator tried to ramp up the drama, by describing how remote, treacherous and inhospitable the jungle trail up the side of a 'mountain' was. The prose, the tone, and the music might have worked, if the camera wasn't trained on a rugrat size kid who was handling the trail effortlessly, while toting a large, white, plastic tub.
Isn't it 'false advertising' to operate as the 'History' Channel when you perpetrate this reality-insulated crap? Enquiring minds what to know.
Next, We The PIGs made some brief pitstops at several other speed bumps on your cable lineup. Music Television (MTV)? Video Hits 1 (VH1)? Uh, yeah...about that. If you think music is their heart and soul of the programing on MTV and VH1, you're delusional. You'll might get a few hours of it, in the morning, but, most of their programming time is littered with 'reality' shows like Teen Mom, and Jersey Shore. When did the world get so twisted, that a cable channel's options, Music, or Moonbattery, devolved to Lady GaGa or Snooki? Enquiring minds want to know.
While we are 'naming names', we'll make a brief pitstop at the Syfy Channel. Syfy? We the PIGs agree that it's an asinine name for the boob tube speed bump formerly known as the SciFi Channel. Why the change, since most of their programming is still science fiction? They rebranded the channel, when they started airing WWE wrestling. When they changed their tagline to 'imagine something greater', Vince McMahon and his steroid punks wasn't the 'greater' We the PIGs had in mind. We the PIGs have unresolved 'issues' with Syfy, stemming from their abrupt cancellation of a very promising prequel to Galactica named 'Caprica'.
Another dumb name that is bordering on misleading is E!, which stands for Entertainment, we think. We the PIGs think it should stand for 'Egad! Not another show about the Karda$hians'. Fair warning, PIGsters. There's nothing the least bit 'entertaining' about the Karda$hians or Chelsea Handler.
By now you're wondering if there's anything we deem PIG-worthy on the boob tube? The answer, believe it or not, is 'yes'. Here are some of Hambo's favorites:
"The Borgias" (Showtime) is a period piece (a quasi historic one) which has superb performances, a compelling storyline, and a 'must see' appeal.
"Mythbusters" (Discovery) has been around the block, but it hasn't lost its appeal. A show where they blow up, shoot and destroy things, on a regular basis, is PIG-worthy in the extreme.
"Shameless" (Showtime) features a Bundy-esque family (on steroids) whose antics are both amazing and amusing.
"Spartacus Vengeance" (Starz) isn't for the faint hearted, due to the graphic mayhem. Despite that, it's well written, has first rate acting, and is very hard to resist.
During our search for intelligent life in Newton Minow's "vast wasteland", We the PIGs made a few PIG-worthy discoveries.
* No matter how mundane an activity is, sooner or later, some show business Moonbat will make a reality show about it. Prove it? No sweat. Mundane and coupon clipping are synonymous but, guess what...The Learning Channel has a show named Extreme Couponing. That's right EXTREME Couponing. We can't make this crap up, because you wouldn't believe it.
* If so-called reality shows are a representative sample of our nation's inhabitants, America is populated by perpetually horny, testosterone-ravaged, wang wrangers, and terminally bitchy, gold diggers who are convinced that their shit doesn't stink.
* An overwhelming majority of Boob Tube fare is just as informative, enlightening, and/or entertaining when you watch it with the sound muted.
* 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives' is by far the most dangerous show on television. If it doesn't bring on a snack attack, you're in a coma.
* Given all the cable channels devoted to 'home shopping' and/or infomercials, we can't understand why the American economy isn't booming. A sucker born every minute? You better believe it.
* An old school television test pattern is more enlightening than everything that appears on MSNBC, Current TV, OWN and The View COMBINED.
* We the PIGs bang the gavel down on all the Judge (Whomever) sideshows/soap operas, because they give jurisprudence a bad name.
Admittedly, boob tube fare has changed, dramatically, since Newton Minow labeled it a "vast wastland". We the PIGs suspect he'd pin a much more colorful label on it, after watching some of the 'reality' shows we mentioned during this rant. We the PIGs won't dispute the "vast wasteland" label, as an overall assessment. On the other hand, our foray into the heart of this wasteland revealed heretofore undisclosed oases of amazing, amusing, intriguing and very entertaining boob tube fare. Those oases are well hidden, but worth the effort it takes to find them.
We the PIGs now return you to your regularly scheduled program: Lemonade Stand Wars. Okay, okay, we made that one up...we hope.
