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Friday
August 29, 2014

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A Forgotten Man
 
The Duffer In Chief traded 5 top terrorist leaders for a man who is, many believe, a deserter.
 
This same Oval Office Pussy won’t lift a finger to free Marine Sgt Andrew Tahmooressi, whose only ‘crime’ is making a wrong turn at the U.S.- Mexican border.
 
Call your Elected Tormentor. Demand that Mexico be forced to set this political prisoner free.

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Washington Redskins Owner Dan Snyder Has Proven Himself A True Warrior By Shrugging Off Korrectnik Thuggery. PIG Salutes ThIs Hero Of Inkorrectness For Standing Firm In His Decision To Keep The Name Redskins. Dan, You Are The Man!
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HAMBO FOR PREZ !
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PIG'S GALLERY
 • PIG POLL •
MOONBATS
Which Moonbat Deserves A One-Way Trip To Another Galaxy?

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Michael Moore*
Maxine Waters
Any Kardashian
Occutards
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 *Due To Intergalactic Freight Costs, Tonage, Limited Food &
Oxygen Supply, Michael Moore & Any Kardashian caboose Counts As Two Votes.

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AND THE WINNER IS...
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TOP STORY
LAWS & THEORIES
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PIG takes you on an action packed visit to some dark corners of Hambo's mind..

This rant wasn't intended for Page One, but here it is and here it will stay, for at least a week. Why? It started while I was searching for a suitable Top Story theme. Unmoved by the usual suspects - another race-related hissy fit, a tantrum about the on-going invasion from Central and South America - my mind wandered off to a much more compelling phenomenon: the White Blight.

I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. It - White Blight- has nothing to do with oppressors (aka whitey). 'White Blight' is a Hamboism for a curious observation: there's a 70% likelihood that the asshole who is tailgating you, cutting you off, or is just being a dick is driving a white car. 'White' denotes the color of the vehicle. 'Blight' warns you that a complete asshole is in the driver seat.

Did I just call everyone who drives a white car an asshole? Nope. I simply stated my conviction that an overwhelming majority of assholes prefer white cars, with silver cars running a distant second on the asshole car color preference roster.

Armed with 'White Blight', I wrestled with a thorny decision. Is this a suitable candidate for a law? Or, is it the newest Hambo theory? It lacks the requisite decisive quality needed by a law but it's a tad too proven to be a theory. After thinking it over, I concluded that it fits best with theory.

So what? In my case, with my Top Story musings at a dead end, I decide to expound upon my laws and theories. Among other things, it gives our table another week to relax, since this topic is devoid of table pounding prose.

Since we're already in 'theory' mode, here are a few for your thoughtful consideration:

Theory: Newton's Dirty Little Secret

"Don't be a schnook, you know you're gonna look."
-- Ziggy "The Brain" Kowalski

One of Newton's least known laws, states that sweater puppies create their own gravity well, after they cross a certain 'size' threshold. Women, by and large, have a natural immunity, but men don't. That's why, no matter how hard a dude tries, no matter how gross the sweater puppy packer, the bigger they are, the more impossible it is for him not to stare. It's not bad manners, it's science, Sparky.

Theory : The REAL reason NO-NADS hate men has nothing to do with 'the patriarchy'. NO-NADs hate men because dudes can take a whiz, standing up.

I had my moment of clarity during an outing with some friends. Having ingested the requisite quantity of adult beverage, nature called. The truth 'hit' me when Ziggy "The Brain" Kowalski bailed out of the car to drain the weasel behind a nearby tree. One of the females present expressed her profound disgust for this advantageous bit of male physiology with an impressive burst of Ziggy bashing profanity.

Eureka! NO-NADs hate men because the male of the human species is suitably equipped to take a standing whiz. Relief is a simple matter of zip, whip, whiz, shake, tuck, zip, get on with the business at hand. We're in and out, in a couple minutes, while SHE is still in that line outside the ladies room. That's when the penis envy reaches critical mass.

This wang envy gnaws at them, growing stronger every time they must stand in line, waiting, endlessly, for the women's room while HE is in and out of the men's room in a heartbeat. Eventually it unhinges the poor darlings completely.

You'd think that they'd be feeling smug because they outlive men, but NOOOOOOOO! They're eaten up with jealousy, because men can take a standing whiz. Isn't it about time they got over it?

Theory: Explaining The One

I've hatched a new theory about Messiah Barry.

It starts with a good time loving, dope smoking, dude whose ambition is to spend his life getting high and getting laid. He dreams of a no pressure job, where nobody expects him to do anything but cash his checks and party hearty. His name was Barry.

His happily ever after hits a scowling speed bump, when a hellish, shrew of a woman sinks her hooks into what she considers a diamond in the rough, whom she marries. She polishes her diamond, hounding him into meeting her idea of the right people. When the shrew finished with him, Barry was gone and Barack had, reluctantly taken his place.

Profoundly unhappy, our hero doesn't have the stones to tell them all to piss off. Instead, he lets his shrew wife hound him into a series of increasingly stressful jobs, all of which he despises. Eventually, he's hounded into the most stressful job on Earth and he hates it.

Since he can't tell the shrew to STFU, he refocuses his anger on a nation that put him into that hellish job. He's taking out his shrew-directed anger on We the People and this land conceived in liberty because he's afraid to confront his wife and tell her: Leave me the fuck alone, bitch.

What Barack hates most of all isn't America. What he really hates is his life. He wants to be Barry again.

Theory: Perks and Penalties

I've noticed that Mother Nature has a twisted way of balancing her books. For every biological perk, she imposes a corresponding penalty. Here's a example.

Perk: A male California Gray Whale has a wang that's at least 12 feet long.

Penalty: Despite his impressive 'gear', he only gets laid once a year. First, he listens to months of 'not tonight, honey, I've got a headache'. Then, since she can only get 'in the mood' to hell and gone from the only place a whale dude can get a decent meal, he must swim thousands of miles for a shot at his once-a-year booty call.

Mother Nature pulled a similar trick on us. After giving human males this standing whiz perk, this sick wench was compelled to impose a corresponding penalty. That's why she affixed the troublesome male appendage in front, then made life thrilling for males by giving them a hair-trigger libido that's triggered by visual stimuli. How the hell is a dude supposed to convince some hottie that he 'loves her for her mind', when that tent in the front of his pants is screaming, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

Life is, as many of us have noticed, defined by off-setting conditions. For example, nature is replete with incidents of off-setting natural forces. The thrust of a jet's engine is offset by a physical property we call 'drag'. Electrons moving through a wire are offset by the wire's inherent resistance. Our planet is held in its orbit by a balance struck between the Earth's momentum and the Sun's gravity.

Human biology is also defined by these off-setting forces, what I like to call 'perks' and 'penalties'. Human males get the 'perk' of a standing whiz, plus an 'instant on' arousal mechanism. It's the latter which imposes the penalty. Instant on is an automatic response, which a dude can't always control and is destined to be embarrassing. I guarantee that, sooner or later, every dude will pitch blatant, involuntary, 'wood'.

Human females get the 'perk' of being multi-orgasmic, but it, too, has a penalty. Unlike the male, there's no 'instant on' feature, so, before she can go off like a 21-gun salute, someone has to coax her nads into a cooperative frame of mind.

Once you set your mind to it, you'll notice perks and penalties cropping up everywhere. It's what 'they' mean by 'life is a series of tradeoffs'.

What: A Citizen's Right to Vote
Perk: As an American citizen, you get to pick the Elected Tormentor(s) who will represent you.

Penalty: Every intellectual flatliner gets the same perk, which explains how an unabashed Marxist Messiah won the keys to the Red Shed's Oval Office.

What: Inalienable Individual Liberty
Perk: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Penalty: Those selected to preserve, protect and defend your liberty are the ones most likely to trample on it.

What: Mexifornia
Perk: It's blessed with countless natural wonders and mild weather.

Penalty: It's populated by a critical mass of raving moonbats who, invariably, punch a chad for some rampaging, Marxist.

What: "No Assembly Required"
Perk: The salespunk assured you that your new whizbang is "so easy to install that even a child can do it."

Penalty: There's never one of the smartass snot-gobblers around when you really need them.

By now, you should have the big picture. All things considered, Perks & Penalties aren't a fate worse than death, if you're paying attention. You need to train yourself to look past the perk, which is always front and center, to check out the penalty that's lurking in the shadows. Study the perk and penalty closely, critically, then ask yourself "Is it worth it?"

With an increasingly lawless government, and a growing lawlessness among various elements of the parasite horde, I stepped into the void, with some laws of my own. Here are some pertinent examples.

Hambo's Character Building Axiom
Although character building begins when things go wrong with your 'best laid plan', it's not an official character building episode, until you start swearing.

Hambo's Technology Axiom
Eventually, all programmable whiz bangs will be hit by the twin terrors of technology: a computer virus and a porn application.

Hambo's Media Circus Law
No news story qualifies as a legitimate Media Circus, until the Media Slut In Red (Gloria Allred) gets her on camera face time.

Hambo's Political Scandal Law
If the first word out of the news nitwit's mouth isn't REPUBLICAN, you can bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor that the sleazy Elected Tormentor is a Demoncrat.

Hambo's First Inconvenient Truth
The time interval between your purchase of an item and its loss - or destruction - is inversely proportional to the price you paid. In other words, the more you pay, the shorter the time you'll have it: I.E., those $300 sunglasses won't last a fortnight, but that $10 pair will be with your forever.

Hambo's Aviation Law
The words most likely to appear in any headline about a homemade aircraft are "crashes" and "pilot dies".

Hambo's Marketplace Theorem
For every asinine, intrusive, liberty infringing bureaucratic action, there is an equal, and opposite, liberty restoring marketplace reaction.

Hambo's Rural Justice Axiom
You probably won't find Sheriff Andy Taylor in rural America, but every town has its Barney Fife.

Hambo's Law of Promotions
"Anyone but him/her" is a virtually infallible way to determine who will be promoted to run your department. (Simply look around for the one who elicits the strongest "anyone but them" response.)

Hambo's Thespian Axiom
A thespian's ego is inversely proportional to his, her, hisher or its intelligence. (Actors are so full of themselves that they can't see how stupid they are.)

Hambo's Shyster Spew Law
The suckage of a product touted on the radio is inversely proportional to the speed and length of the shyster spew at the end of the ad. (The faster they talk, the longer it lasts, the more likely it is that the product reeks.)

Hambo's Nutrition Theorem
A food's ranking on the Food Nazi hit list is inversely proportional to how much you enjoy eating it. I.E., the better it tastes, the more likely it is that some Food Nazi wants to ban it.

Hambo's Fun Food Fact
The better it tastes, the higher the probability that your doctor would have a hissy fit if he caught you eating it.

Hambo's Warbler Law
The listenability of any singer is inversely proportional to the number of bumping and grinding guys 'n gals on stage with him, her, himher, or it. [The more 'distractions' a warbler deploys, the more their singing is likely to suck.]

Hambo's Defensive Eating Law
When confronted with food you don't recognize, don't be a hero. Wait for someone else to try it first. It's better to be a witness at their coroner's inquest than to be the guest of honor at yours.

Hambo's First Law of Journalism
In the twilight zone called journalism, there are certain givens. One 'given' is that the most likely words to follow a lead about a risk taking dolt dubbed an 'Adventurer' are, in no special order: stranded, lost, missing, injured and killed.

Hambo's Need To Breed Law
Anyone can spawn, but those who are least prepared for parenthood are the ones who are most likely to play reproduction roulette with the human gene pool.

All these deep thoughts are giving me a headache, so I'll wrap this up and chill with an ice cold one. As for you, PIGster Sparky, sit back and marvel at my compelling wisdom.

Holy Enlightenment, Batman.


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• HAMBO'S HAMMER
Have you been Hambo'd today? Every day, PIG's insane editor posts a sample of what's on his alleged mind.
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GOSPEL: PORCUS PITCHFORK

• PORCUS PITCHFORK
'Fork Off! From time to time, whenever he's mad as hell and can't take it anymore, Porcus just says, 'Fork You!
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PIG'S POSTING SCHEDULE
PIG'S PIC OF THE DAY

Blockhead

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Image Source
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WORD OF THE DAY

COLD FUSION, n.

An apt description of the predictable 'hell no we won't go when it's this cold' malady which befell the 11 wind turbines which some Globally Warmed fool talked state officials into deploying in real winter prone Minnesota.

"Human females get the 'perk' of being multi-orgasmic, but it, too, has a penalty. Unlike the male, there's no 'instant on' feature, so, before she can go off like a 21-gun salute, someone has to coax her nads into a cooperative frame of mind."
– Hambo 'Perks & Penalties'

Is The One a militant Marxist wrecking ball, or, is he just a stoner named Barry who hates his job and the shrew he married?

Twisted Sister

[Fox News] NEW YORK – Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's sister was arrested Wednesday on suspicion she threatened to bomb a woman who previously had a romantic relationship with her boyfriend.

Ailina Tsarnaeva, who lives in North Bergen, N.J., made the threat against an upper Manhattan woman via telephone on Monday, police said. She turned herself in at a Manhattan police precinct, and police charged her with aggravated harassment.

Several media outlets reported that Ms. Tsarnaeva told the Harlem woman she had "people who can go over there and put a bomb on you."

Officers gave Mr. Tsarnaeva an appearance ticket and released her pending a Sept. 30 court date.

A telephone number linked to Mr. Tsarnaeva was disconnected. Her lawyer, George Gormley, said he had left his office and would speak Thursday.

I have 'people who can go over there and put a bomb on you'

- Ailina Tsarnaeva allegedly told her boyfriend's ex

Ms. Tsarnaeva has been required to check in with Massachusetts probation officers since prosecutors said she failed to cooperate with a 2010 counterfeiting investigation.

Prosecutors said Ms. Tsarnaeva picked up someone who passed a counterfeit bill at a restaurant at a Boston mall and "lied about certain salient facts during the investigation."

At a hearing last October, Mr. Gormley said Ms. Tsarnaeva was pregnant with her second child and was unlikely to flee.

Ms. Tsarnaeva once lived in Cambridge, Mass., at an apartment linked to her brothers, Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev, who were the subjects of an intense manhunt in the Boston area in the days after the deadly April 2013 marathon bombing.

Records show Ms. Tsarnaeva now lives with a sister, Bella Tsarnaeva.

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is charged with building and planting the two pressure-cooker bombs that exploded near the marathon's finish line, killing three people and injuring more than 260 others. He has pleaded not guilty.

Tamerlan Tsarnaev died after a gunbattle with police.

Slippery Slope

[LI] Incestuous marriages next? No one can jump off the slippery slope.

We reported last December on how a Utah federal judge strikes down key part of anti-polygamy law:

Yes, this all was predicted long ago, and led to charges of fear mongering and false slippery slopes.

The legalization of polygamy followed logically from the legal arguments against one man-one woman, as was predicted not just by me, but also by Professor Martha Nussbaum, one of the leading legal advocates for gay marriage, "Polygamy would have to be permitted."

And it's coming true in a small step, as a federal court in Utah, while not holding that polygamists were entitled to state-sanctioned civil marriage, nonetheless struck portions of Utah's anti-polygamy laws banning polygamous "cohabitation" and polygamous "purported" marriages.

Now the court has finalized it's decision, as reported by The Salt Lake Tribune (h/t Instapundit):

In the final portion of his ruling Wednesday, Waddoups found the Utah County Attorney Jeff Buhman violated the Browns' constitutional rights when he oversaw a 2010 investigation into whether the Brown family was committing bigamy. At the time the Browns lived in Lehi. They have since moved to Nevada. Buhman eventually decided not to file criminal charges, but Waddoups said the investigation stifled the Browns' rights to free speech, religion and equal protection.

Waddoups ordered Utah to pay the Browns' attorney fees as a result of that finding.

In court filings and oral arguments before Waddoups, attorneys for Utah have argued polygamy is inherently harmful to woman and children and the state had an interest in deterring it.

But why stop at polygamy? As long as consenting adults are involved, and they love each other, is it really a leap to incestuous marriages?

The argument has been made, as part of a presentation in 2009 (just before the rapid movement towards legalizing same-sex marriages), by Professor Martha Nussbaum, as we detailed in "Polygamy would have to be permitted":

In the audio below, Nussbaum is questioned by a student whether he should be permitted to marry his parents, since there were valid estate and other tax reasons to do so.

Nussbaum then addressed several aspects of the slippery slope. She rejected bestiality out of hand as lacking necessary consent.

Nussbaum stated, as to polygamy, there really was no justifiable state interest in banning the practice, particularly if past unequal gender roles were addressed by more modern polyamorous considerations: ""Polygamy would have to be permitted."

More inflamatory was her position on incest between siblings. While willing to draw a bright line on parent-child incest because of the compelling state interest in fighting child abuse, Nussbaum nonetheless applied the deconstructive analysis to sibling incest and found the state interest to be marginal:

"But then when you get to brothers and sisters, well, you know, now we know so much about the genes, and we certain don't forbid people with Tay-Sachs [garbled] to get married. So I feel that it's just bad faith to forbid the brother and sister on these putative health grounds. If one at one time states did think they had that interest, they don't have that anymore."

Crazy you say?

Why do you hate love?

Managerium
 
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons..

70 Romans celebrate successful conclusion of 9-month siege by torching Temple of Jerusalem. Damn tourists.

1533 The last Incan King of Peru, Atahualpa, has a terminally crappy day, when he's murdered on orders from a greedy asshat named Francisco Pizarro; damn tourists.

1786 In Springfield, Massachusetts, Daniel Shays stages a revolt against oppressive Nanny State debt and ruinous taxes. Maybe it's time to clone him and finish what he started.

1877 25 years after Mormons create celestial marriage (polygamy), their most fruitful multiplier, Brigham (27 wives, 56 children) Young, achieves room temperature, probably from exhaustion.

1896 Chef of Chinese Ambassador invents chop suey while visiting the Big Apple.

1925 Babe Ruth late for batting practice, earns suspension & $5,000 fine to go with his hangover.

1953 4 years after they set off an atom bomb built with stolen American technology, the Ruskies set off a hydrogen bomb built using stolen American technology.

1958 Mikey "Pervert" Jackson born, asks doctor if he can perform a nose job.

1975 Star in Cygnus goes nova becoming 4th brightest in sky, when an E.T. party gets out of hand.

1982 Al "Global Warming" Gore gets huffy, refuses to discuss it when Cleveland (Ohio, DUH) makes the record books with the lowest temperature ever recorded in August (38F).

1990 That legendary prognosticator, Saddam Hussein, declares America can't beat Iraq.

2005 Category 4 Hurricane Katrina creams the city in the hole by the sea.

IT TAKES BALLS TO PLAY IN THE PIGDOME
Do you feel entitled to the brass ring, blue ribbon, trophy or ring for merely showing up? Won't work here on PIG's field. Whether it's sports or any other form of competition, if you have the competitive spirit of a warrior and a PIGish sense of humor, click below for our newest Sports Section. Enjoy our cheerleading squad, pictured, we do!
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INVASION OF THE BORDER JUMPERS
For too long, America's borders have been a portal for the unwelcome, uninvited, undocumented, over diseased and crime ridden riff-raff and parasitic hordes. They swarm across our porous borders, from all over the world to pee, puke, spit and poop in our melting pot...and worse. Read More >>>

STEPPING IN IT!
Get your weekly whiff as Hambo serves up a real steaming load to those thart merit this odiferous awad. It's OK to look. It's OK to smell. It's even OK to touch. But for those that have the misfortune of stepping in it, they get...A Steaming Load Award.
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Pride, Integrity, and Guts."
RONALD REAGAN

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PIG CALENDAR

August Is
Remember In November Month

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Why wait? Get your Elected Tormentor's pink slip ready, now..
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VETERANS
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Attention all Veteran's and Active Duty Military: PIG is cordially inviting all Vets, active or retired, at home or in Irak, to send us notes or messages for posting in PIG.

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• ZERO TOLERANCE •
• • • • • • • • • • • Amerika's Schools Are Being Transformed Into Orwellian Wastelands With All-Out Lockstep-Style Assaults On Free Speech, Expression, And Even Innocent Fun By Ivory Tower Eggheads aka Zero Tolerance Zombies
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• O-CRAP! •

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Welcome to PIG's Outhouse, a new section that contains all the Obama crap that's been stinking up and overflowing our in-boxes. We had to create a new page because you have to actually earn a Steaming Load, and the folks running our Dumpster page don't want to lower their standards.
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• DUMPSTER DIVING •

NEED TO UP THE VOLTAGE ON YOUR SHOCK TREATMENTS?
THERE'S A BETTTER WAY.
GO DUMPSTER DIVING AND ENJOY PIG'S PRIVATE STASH.
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• SIGNS 'O THE TIMES •
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PISSED! POLITICALLY INCORRECT SIGNS SLOGANS & ENLIGHTENED DRAWINGS. TO PERUSE OUR COLLECTION OF OUT OF THE ORDINARY POSTERS, PICS & GRAPHICS. A REAL PISSER OF A PAGE
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• PIG'S PLAYLIST •
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PIG DECIDED TO TURN UP THE VOLUME MORE THAN A FEW NOTCHES BY UNLEASHING OUR PLAYLIST OF WHAT WE CONSIDER NOT JUST GREAT, BUT WAY INKORRECT TUNES.WE'RE SURE YOU WON'T EXPECT "RING AROUND THE ROSIES" OR "WE ARE THE WORLD'" MAKING OUR LIST. TO TUNE IN,
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• TOXIC TOONS •
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SICK OF DRABBLE AND DILBERT IN YOUR FISHWRAPS FUNNY PAGES? WELCOME TO TOXIC TOONS, HERE WE EXPLORE THE TOXIC SIDE OF TOONING AROUND
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• PIG PIN-UPS •
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IF YOU LIKE EYE CANDY, KEEP YOUR SHIRT SLEEVE NEARBY TO WIPE THE DROOL OFF YOUR CHINS. ENJOY.
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• TOE-TAGGED •
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NOTABLE PASSINGS
TO MOST, WE SAY FAREWELL. TO A FEW OTHERS, WE WONDER WTF TOOK YOU SO LONG.
BON VOYAGE.

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If you're ever in Las Vegas, and experiencing hunger pangs, and just have to have something hot, fresh and juicy, check yourself into:
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LOCK AND LOAD
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WOODPILE REPORT
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STRANGE POLITICS
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MISS RED MUSES
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ANTHONY'S SOAP BOX
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MODERN DRUNKARD
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KNOTTING KORRECTNIK KNICKERS SINCE 2004.
HOLY REALITY CHECKS, BATMAN!



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