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PIG NEWS DIGEST | KULTURE | ENTERTAINMENT | POP TARTS

DECEMBER 2005
Strike Three In D.C.?
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [12/29]

Being Mayor of Washington D.C. is no picnic, at the best of times, and, for Mayor Anthony A. Williams, these aren't exactly 'the best of times'. His primary problem is one of his own making. His only claim to political fame is getting Major League Baseball to move the Montreal Expos to D.C. and rename them "The Nationals". That was then, but now the time has come - and gone - when he's supposed to deliver on his part of the bargain, a publically-financed stadium project. If the mayor can't get city council support on a stadium financing deal, MLB could do what it does best and relocate the team to a city that's willing to mortgage its future for a baseball stadium.

'...This issue was supposed to have been settled in a council vote earlier this month but Williams postponed that showdown when it became clear the stadium lease likely would be defeated. The main complaint: likely huge cost overruns - estimates that a stadium deal was initially thought to involve an investment of $535 million is up to well over $660 million...'

'...The original lease agreement was pulled from consideration when it became clear the mayor didn't have the seven votes needed for approval. The council must approve the lease before investment bankers will allow the sale of nearly $535 million in bonds to cover construction costs. Baseball officials are also waiting for the lease to be approved before selling the Nationals, who are owned by baseball's other 29 teams...' (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)

Mayor Williams continues to exude confidence - in public - that he can seal the deal with MLB. PIG News suspects that, despite the mayor's "glass half full" prose, he's sweating bullets in private. He's gotta know that if he screws this one up they can stick a fork in him because, politically speaking, he'll be "done".

New Mexico Judge Pulls His Head From His Butt
Source: Newsday [12/27]

New Mexico District Judge David Sanchez rejoined reality this week when he lifted the restraining order he had placed on TV star David Letterman ("A Judicial Twilight Zone Epic", PIG News 12/21). His return from the judicial Twilight Zone was prompted in large part by Mr. Letterman's lawyers. For those who need some hard data on this judicial reversal, here are the Cliff Notes:

The restraining order was without merit.

The New Mexico court lacks jurisdiction over Mr. Letterman who lives in Connecticut.

The woman who started it all is a nut job who has no proof whatsoever that David Letterman mentally harassed her using "...code words, gestures and "eye expressions" to convey his desires for her..".

The burning question remains the same. Any rational adult can explain why Judge Sanchez lifted the restraining order, but I defy anyone to explain why he granted it in the first place.

A Judicial Twilight Zone Epic
Source: MSNBC [12/21]

A New Mexico District Judge, Daniel Sanchez, plunged headlong into the Judicial Twilight Zone this week, making a last minute bid for the PIG's coveted "What the hell are you smoking" award. He marched boldly onto PIG's radar when he granted a Sante Fe (New Mexico) wingnut named Colleen Nestler a temporary restraining order against Big Apple based TV star, David Letterman. Under this temporary restraining order in this wench's own words, Letterman must 'stay at least 3 yards away and not "think of me and realease me from his mental harassment and hammering"...' (AP). And what, you ask, is David Letterman doing to torture Ms. Nestler? You're gonna love it.

'...Nestler’s application for a restraining order was accompanied by a six-page typed letter in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and “eye expressions” to convey his desires for her. She wrote that she began sending Letterman “thoughts of love” after his “Late Show” began in 1993, and that he responded in code words and gestures, asking her to come East. She said he asked her to be his wife during a televised “teaser” for his show by saying, “Marry me, Oprah.” Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time...' (AP)

Code words and gestures? Mental harassment through secret, messages? This woman is, at best, delusional, and this black robed assclown feeds her paranoia with this ruling. If New Mexico's rational adults aren't measuring District Judge Daniel Sanchez for a straightjacket, they need to get with the damn program, stat. This clown has no business deciding anything more meaningful "do you want fries with that".

Kulture Krap
Source: PIG News Wire [12/16]

Pammy's Pole Dance
Pam Anderson and her sweater bursting talent were dumped from a boob tube holiday special - "Elton John: The Red Piano" - by NBC censors. While Elton warbled that traditional Christmas classic "The Bitch is Back", a plus size screen behind him showed a "scantily clad" Pammy gyrating around a pole. That, it seems, was deemed decency dimwit uncool, since the special aired during prime 'the kiddies might be watching' hours - 8pm, 7pm Central. In heartbeat, Elton's song, and the accompanying Pammy gyrating, were exorcized from the show.

If you're bummed that you missed Pammy's pole dance, don't run whining to NBC. Instead, aim that "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" tirade at the real villain of this piece: Brent Bozell.

Celebrity Marriages - Devilish Prenup Details
We uncovered some deliciously devilish details in an AP piece about wedded bliss as practiced by celebrities. The stop the presses prose that thrilled us includes these tasty tidbits that are, routinely, included in celebrity prenuptial agreements:

'No mother-in-law sleepovers.
Only one football game per Sunday.
Mandatory sexual positions.'
'Limiting the wife's weight to 120 pounds or she must relinquish $100,000 of her separate property.
Allowing a spouse to perform random drug tests, with financial penalties for positive results.
Requiring a husband to pay $10,000 each time he is rude to the wife's parents...'

You'll be thrilled to hear that the PIG Staff is beavering away on its own list of prenup clauses. Regular PIG readers won't be that shocked when I tell you that none of them are printable in a family-friendly publication. It's learn to live with your disappointment time again, "what a bummer" Sparky.

A Jackson Clan Reality Show
"If [3T is] getting help on making it big in the music biz from LaToya and Jermaine, they might as well name their group Gay Jesus and hit the Christian rock circuit. This is like asking Rosie O'Donnell for help with swimsuit modeling." (The Superficial)

If you're hoping to see Mikey in all his elective cosmetic surgery horror during this show, learn to live with your disappointment. According to the Superfical gossip site, this reality show stars Tito Jackson's offspring, a 1990s vintage boy band called 3T. The pilot episode features the lads getting show biz advice from the Jackson clan's most wildly successful siblings, La Toya and Jermaine. The crisis, as I understand it, involves the lads 'overcoming the prejudices surrounding their Uncle Michael'. That's a tall hill to climb, a task made nearly impossible if they're counting on La Toya's entertainment prowess.

Fair And Balanced?
Source: Front Page Magazine [12/13]

The facts: Saudi Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bought 5.46% of News Corp's (The parent of Fox News) voting stock in September. This makes him the fourth largest voting shareholder of News Corp.

Initially, Fox News used a banner calling the French riots "Muslim Riots". During the coverage, that banner came down and was replaced by a more benign banner reading "civil riots".

The Prince's Story: '...[Here's] the Prince’s December 5, 2005 statement given to Middle East Online regarding his ability to change what viewers see on Fox News. Covering the riots in Paris last November, Fox ran a banner saying: "Muslim riots." Bin Talal was not happy. "I picked up the phone and called Murdoch... (and told him) these are not Muslim riots, these are riots out of poverty," he said. "Within 30 minutes, the title was changed from Muslim riots to civil riots." (Front Page)

Fox News's Story: "Over the course of our extensive coverage, it became clear that the Paris riots were caused by a number of different factors which we characterized in various ways as we continued to report the story and discover new information. In fact, one of our contributors, Father Morris, who was in Paris covering this story, was prominently on our air saying this was a cultural assimilation issue, not a religious one." (An official Fox News Statement as reported by Front Page)

A French View of the Riots: "The fact remains that only ethnic youths are rioting, that most of them explicitly pledge allegiance to Islam and such Muslim heroes as Osama bin Laden, that the Islamic motto - Allahu Akbar - is usually their war cry, and that they submit only to archconservative or radical imams." (Michel Gurfinkiel, Parisian editor of Valeurs Actuelles as quoted by Front Page)

PIGish View: Fox News Channel might be fair, and they attempt to be balanced. But, if some A-rab fatcat can call Rupert and change a story in mid stream to suit an A-rab agenda, Fox News can't be trusted as a primary news source. When your reporting is dictated by the highest bidder, you can call it anything you want, except "the truth".

We Hear
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [12/09]

Titney Spears
Titney tossed her two-fisted spending hubby out of their Mexifornia abode, then cut off his credit card privileges. She made her move after she decided to take the tyke home for a visit with Titney's mommy. PIG would like to tell you we give a damn, but we can't do it with a straight face. Titney made this "I married a scumbag" hell, so it's beyond fair that she burn in it.

Anna Nicole Smith
The people who perpetrated the Live 8 concerts are far from thrilled spitless with Anna Nicole Smith. The bloom was off the rose the instant Amerika's trailer trash poster wench arrived at the concert "scantily clad" and gunned to the gills on adult beverages. Since Anna was sponsored by Trimspa, the concert organizers decided to plunder their deep pockets instead of trying to squeeze some greenbacks out of a chronically-pickled Anna.

Live 8 organizers claim that, due to Anna's condition and behavior, Trimspa stiffed them on the "six-figure promotional fee" Live 8 paid them. Furthermore, since her attire, condition and behavior were so outrageous, Anna Nicole "damaged Live 8's reputation and goodwill in the entertainment industry". All this Live 8 whining strikes PIG News as well charted "well, duh" waters. The scribes at The Superficial site nailed it with this telling prose:

"Somehow these Live 8 geniuses failed to realize that Anna Nicole Smith is the Muhammad Ali of drunken skanks. I can only assume that this is because they are cavern-dwelling dwarves who have shunned human society for the last fifteen years."

Truer words, PIGsters...Truer words.

TomKat Cruise
According to the FilmThreat web site, Twerpy Tommy Cruise is number one on their 'Frigid 50', a listing of the coldest people in Tinsel Town. Making his place on this "your career is in the crapper" news doubly thrilling for Twerpy Tommy is the spiffy revelation that Tommy's Immaculately Urped beard...I mean ladylove...Katie Holmes is number two on this ignoble list.

A D. C. Doubleheader
Source: PIG News Wire [12/6]

Washington D. C. - I
With all of Amerika's pressing issues resolved to everyone's satisfaction, our elected tormentors got down to tackling this nation's most pressing issue. What pressing issue? The Bowl Championship Series. That's right PIGsters, the pinheads on the House Energy and Commerce subcommittee staged one of those Capitol Hill photo ops - the infamous congressional hearing - to discuss the BCS.

Blissfully ignoring the central fact that the BCS - sucky as it is - is none of the Nanny State's goddamn business, committee chairpunk Joe Barton spewed this stop the presses drivel:

"College football is not just an exhilarating sport, but a billion-dollar business that Congress cannot ignore...Too often college football ends in sniping and controversy, rather than winners and losers. The current system of determining who's No. 1 appears deeply flawed." (AP)

This pagan scribbler won't try to defend the fatally flawed, stupidity on steroids BCS lunacy. Instead, I'm forced to ask why this is any of the Nanny State's damn business. Try as I might, I can't find "hold hearings about asinine crap like the BCS" in my copy of the U. S. Constitution. Why are our elected tormentors perpetrating this "comprehensive review" - legicrat code for a circle jerk - of the BCS of all things? If Joe Barton has nothing better to do on my goddamn dime, he should quit congress, and get a real job for a change.

Washington D. C. - II
The D.C. city council is thisclose to violating the terms of the ballpark agreement they signed with Major League Baseball, last year. Under the terms of the contract, these D.C. hacks must sell $289,000,000 worth of public bonds by December 31, or they'll be wide open to a lawsuit by MLB. The primary stumbling block involves nailing down, then voting on the specific terms of the lease, a task that won't be up for a final vote until December 20th. That leaves the city 5 'workable days around the Christmas holiday' to get the bonds sold, a daunting task made harder by the fact that this is not the best time of year for such a bond sale.

The worse case scenario for this stadium deal debacle would involve a lawsuit by MLB, plus the relocation of the team to a different city. City officials swear that won't happen, but that's wishful thinking, at best. Sports franchises have a long history of leaving cities high and dry, with a stadium that's useless and piles of debt to pay off, some -damn-how. Will D.C. get screwed by MLB? Probably...Eventually. Ask me if I care.

NOVEMBER 2005

Strange Bedfellows In the Cable Programming Tussle
Source: PIG News Wire [11/29]

The silver bullet in the family values cabal's battle to make cable boob tube fair "safe" for their unsupervised tykes is a goodie called an "a la carte" cable programming system. Under this scheme, cable television customers would be allowed to select which channels they wanted to receive from their cable provider. Parents would be "empowered" to avoid those channels they considered unsuitable for their family. Big, big fun.

There are, as expected, certain spoilsports who don't like the idea. The primary "hell no we won't go" whiners are the cable companies who, quite rightly, foresee all the work entailed in the highly touted a la carte system. Each subscriber would be accessing his, her, hisher, or its own set of channels. That requires some mechanism - probably a programmable cable box - to make sure that the subscriber can add or delete a channel as he sees fit. Also, the cable company wouldn't be able to "write off" the costs associated with unpopular cable channels. That means the cable subscriber would be paying more - perhaps a lot more - for less.

You might be as amazed and amused as we were to learn that certain cable channel holy rollers aren't the least bit thrilled spitless about a la carte cable programming. If subscribers are allowed to pick and choose...If subscribers are required to pay for each channel they select, how many will be willing to shell out for a 24/7 revival meeting like Trinity Broadcasting Network, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and their televangelist bothers? Not enough, and that has TBN sweating bullets.

The good news about a la carte is that it's a censorship free solution that will please the decency dimwits and the free speech purists. The bad news is that it requires more boob tube hardware and it'll cost you more money. I have no problem with that, in theory, but I still question the need for all this cable television drama. There are numerous channels on my cable that flat out annoy me. Rather than kick up a fuss, I simply programmed my television to ignore them. It takes less than 15 seconds to nuke a channel and it doesn't cost me one thin dime. It's simple enough that even a decency dimwit can accomplish it. Why don't they take these simple steps to block unwanted channels? Because they want big brother to protect them from their own hypersensitivity. They want the Nanny State to abolish everything that offends them: books, television programming, movies, radio programs, magazines, computer sites, computerized games...everything that might give them a psychological boo-boo. That might be somebody's idea of inalienable individual liberty, but it's damn sure not mine.

Hollywood Patriot
Source: News Max [11/28]

"I was over there. I am baffled to understand why the things that I saw happening in Iraq, really good things happening in Iraq, are not being reported on. What I saw over there is not reflected in the news whatsoever. You know, the coalition forces there are getting the power turned back on. They`re getting the schools opened up. They`re getting hospitals opened back up." (Bruce Willis)

PIG News is delighted to bring you a story from the left coast that won't make you go postal. Daring to swim against the Amerika bashing, "stop the war" tide that makes Hollywood a reeking leftist pesthole, Bruce Willis is man enough to stand up and be counted when it comes to supporting our war on terrorist asshats.

Determined to set the record straight, he plans to make a film about the daring deeds performed by "Deuce Four" - the 1st Battalion of the 24th infantry. We're pleased to report that Bruce does more then talk about "Deuce Four"; he attended their homecoming ball in Seattle, recently. In addition to his cinematic efforts to showcase our men and women in uniform, Bruce also offered a $1,000,000 reward for information leading to the capture or killing of Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

PIG News salutes Bruce for putting his money, and his creative energy, on the line to support our troops. Heartfelt kudos are conferred on this rare breed: a Hollywood patriot.

Kulture News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [11/22]

Johnny Depp
A few years ago, Johnny Depp declared the City of Angels much too violent, so he left for a much more peaceful realm, France. Among other things, he spewed this prose about the USA:

'..."America is dumb, it's like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive." Depp also said that he'd like his kids to see "America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out."...' (Left Coast Report)

Fast forward to the present and we find Johnny whining about violence again: "I can't stay in riot-ravaged France...I went there [to France] to live because it seemed so simple. Now it's anything but. I don't know how they'll recover from this." Tell somebody who cares, scumbag. You made your Surrender Monkey hell, it's only fair that you burn in it.

Rob Reiner
Rob Reiner is alarmed that a 2006 ballot initiative sponsored by the California Hospital Association might tax cigarettes so heavily, that Mexifornia smokers will stop buying smokes. Suitably motivated, Reiner amazed his lefty pals by coming out swinging against the proposed $1.50 per pack tax the CHA wants to slam onto cigarettes. According to Reiner, this new tax will put revenues from his 1998 tax on smokes into the crapper and he's not ready to let that happen. Unless the CHA rewrites or withdraws their smokes tax, Rob will actively campaign to have it defeated. File this one under "strange bedfellows", in your PIG News archives.

Titney Spears
From our "just shoot me" desk, we bring you news that the perpetrators of a Broadway play, "Sweet Charity", want to hire Titney Spears to take over the lead role currently performed by Married With Children hottie, Christina Applegate. The show's perpetrators are so eager to ink Titney that they're making noises about "doing whatever it takes" to git 'er done.

Mel Declares War On Movie Censors
Source: PIG News Wire [11/17]

Film maker Mel Gibson is mad as hell over the way Utah-based CleanFlicks edited his film, "The Passion of The Christ". Although the CleanFlicks censors only trimmed 3 minutes from Mel's 127 minute epic, that's 3 minutes too damn many in Mel's considered opinion. Proving how deadly serious Mel is, his shyster suit against CleanFlicks isn't your garden variety copyright infringement lawsuit. Mel doesn't want compensation...Mel wants to close CleanFlicks down, permanently.

If and/or when anything fun happens with this lawsuit, PIG News will serve up all the spiffy details on an empty movie film canister.

Gossip Item of The Week
Source: The Superficial Internet Site [11/14]

The clever scribes at the Superficial published this spiffy item about Nicole Richie's new tome:

I'm not exactly an expert on all the signs of the apocalypse - that hairball I found in the shower this morning may or may not have been one, but then again it kept telling me to murder my parents so maybe it was - but anyway, Nicole Richie writing a book has to be one of them. In The Truth About Diamonds, Richie tells the story of Chloe Parker, the princess daughter of rock royalty and member of the Hollywood elite. Here's a sample:

"It started innocently enough, or as innocent as you can get on the dance floor of one of the hottest clubs in L.A. The nightclubs of L.A. are like soap operas, except they're not Days of Our Lives; they're more like Passions — crazy stuff happens, and no one bats a fake eyelash. There's always some bizarre drama that plays out every night, and everyone in the cast — I mean, everyone — is great looking, stoned, and/or drunk. It's like a traveling freak show that stars the youngest and hottest in Hollywood. It's about fun, and sex, and pseudo-danger."

Ok, I just read that for like the fourth time, and I think my brain is bleeding. It's not often you see words like 'pseudo-danger' in a book. Is that like Nicole being 'pseudo-literate' or Hilary Swank being a 'pseudo-man'? I don't know. And I don't care. I'm never getting those five minutes of my life back.

Call us names if you must, but the Superficial is without question our favorite gossip site.

Product Placement Hissy Fit
Source: Houston Chronicle [11/13]

Hollywood's thespian whiners and the writers assigned to put words in their mouths have their panties in a wad over the upsurge of "product placements" in movies and boob tube shows. For those unschooled in "product placement", be advised that it usually involves a capitalist paying a producer to "place" a given product in their entertainment fare where the unwary viewer can't miss it. For example, a producer might have a key scene filmed in front of a large billboard, or have a character holding a product so the label can be seen by the audience. With the inexplicable popularity of reality shows on the tube, product placement has been Emerilized by shows like 'The Apprentice' where the show's real people are assigned tasks for firms like Burger King, Home Depot, etc.

The whining writers guild punks and their thespian cohorts aren't insisting that producers do away with product placements. Instead, they are demanding their cut of this enriching - for the shows' producers - revenue stream. They also want a 'code of conduct' that mandates "full disclosure of all product integration deals at the beginning of a program" that alerts viewers to the forthcoming stealth/hidden advertising. Finally, these whiners demand a 'voice' in deciding how and/when pay for play products are embedded in the story line.

The dirty little secret - in addition to this "we demand a cut of that product placement revenue" whine - involves the Tinsel Town unions ongoing effort to force reality show producers to unionize the people who toil for reality shows. That's right, cynical Sparky, when you cut through all this Hollywood punk crap it gets down to that primal human compulsion: greed.

Newsworthy Inkorrectness
Source: L.A. Times [11/10]

Celebrated scribbler and best selling author, Dean Koontz, got slapped with the race card after some of the scribblers attending a gathering of mystery writers and fans in Irvine (Mexifornia) got their panties in a wad. Everything went swimmingly, until Dean repeated his favorite anecdote about his unpleasant encounter with a Sushi Slammer company that owned a movie studio. Dean wanted to make them remove his name from the film version of his book, but, they kept ignoring his letters. Increasingly frustrated with an executive he nicknamed "Mr. Teriyaki", Dean gave free rein to his prose with the following immortal gems:

'...At the event, Koontz began reciting each letter with the now controversial salutation, "Dear Mr. Teriyaki." "My letter of 10 November has not been answered," one read. "As I am certain you are an honorable and courteous man, I would assume your silence results from the mistaken belief that World War II is still in progress and that the citizens of your country and mine are forbidden to communicate. Enclosed is a copy of the front page of the New York Times from 1945, with the headline, 'Japan Surrenders.' " Another suggested to the Japanese executive, "We could have a few sake and reminisce about the Bataan Death March."...' (Times)

This is classically inkorrect and damn funny, but don't hold your breath waiting for Mexifornia Korrectniks to agree:

'..."What if the CEO was black?" wrote author Lee Goldberg, who was present at the event, on his blog. "Would Koontz have addressed his letters to Mr. Fried Chicken and joked about the good old days of slavery and racial discrimination? Or if the CEO was a Jew? Would he have called him Mr. Matzoball and reminded him of the Holocaust? I was astonished that people were laughing when they should have shunned him with silence."...' (Times)

Since the event, Koontz and his publisher are catching flack from the usual Korrectnik whiners, most of whom weren't at the confab and are getting their information from unreliable, biased, race card wrangling sources. PIG News is pleased to report that some people who attended this mystery writer confab 'get it':

"It was not racist. He first asked politely that his name be removed from the movie, and never heard back. So he wanted to do something to get their attention. His point was, the war is over, we can be friends." (Joan Hansen, founder and chairwoman of the Men of Mystery event that benefits the Literary Guild of Orange County, as quoted by the Times)

"My writing peers need to spend more time writing and less time defending the free world from the menace of Dean Koontz,. Dean didn't blow up a nursing home — he simply recounted a humorous anecdote." (J.A. Konrath, in an e-mail to The Times)

Dean Koontz knows that he will be tarred as a racist, from now on, but he's not going to let it destroy him. If you want to strike a blow for inkorrectness, put a few Dean Koontz mysteries on your Christmas list. It's the least we can do for a dude who is so eloquently inkorrect.

Fishwrap Wars
Source: Capital Times (Wisconsin) [11/05]

Billing their fishwrap as a "progressive", "independent" publication founded by University of Wisconsin-Madison students, the Madison Observer's lefty perpetrators strayed into reality long enough to establish a Web site for their timeless prose: www.madisonobserver.org. Everything, it seemed was spiffy, until somebody accidentally typed in www.madisonobserver.com A typo that took the spelling-challenged lefty to the Observer's rival fishwrap - a vast right-wing conspiracy read called the Mendota Beacon.

As expected, the lefty punks whined, aimed a shyster at the Beacon and ordered the right-wingers to knock it off. They got what they asked for, sort of. Now, when you type in www.madisonobserver.com or www.madisonobserver.net you get what looks like the latest issue of the Observer, with one nifty difference. A giant dinosaur walks back and forth over it, obscuring it with giant, dino footprints. Very, very cool!

Are the Beacon right-wingers behind it? Probably, since the two bogus Observer sites plus their own Mendota Beacon site were registered on the same day. PIG News confers kudos on the Beacon pranksters for putting one over on these lefty lip-flappers.

No Tickee, No Washee
Source: PIG News Wire [11/05]

PIG News hit the floor laughing when we heard that alleged actor and stealth candidate for Governor of Mexifornia - Warren Beatty - got a door slammed in his face, literally, when he tried to invade a 'by invitation only' talk by Mexifornia's action hero governor. When they tried to bluff their way inside the hanger where Arnold would speak to a select audience, Warren and his wench, Annette Benning, were stopped cold by a Schwarzenegger campaign aide named Darrel Ng.

Obviously, Warren and his woman knew they needed an invitation so the true purpose of their visit was to get their names in the news, a ploy that succeeded so well it even got this whining, lefty scumbag a mention in PIG. Mission accomplished, Warren, now crawl back into your hole and stay there.

OCTOBER 2005

Omar In The Bull's-Eye
Source: PIG News Wire [10/31]

The Mecca Maniacs are more than a tad annoyed with Omar Sharif because he accepted the role of St. Peter in a made for Italian TV movie. Playing St. Peter, as annoying as that is to Mecca Maniacs, is only the beginning. It's Omar's comments about this role that prompted the violence prone Mecca Maniacs into painting a bull's-eye on Omar.

What Omar said:

"Playing Peter was so important for me that even now I can only speak about it with difficulty. It will be difficult for me to play other roles from now on."

The peace-loving, tolerant, liberty-venerating Mecca Maniac response:

"Omar Sharif has stated that he has embraced the crusader idolatry. He is a crusader who is offending Islam and Muslims and receiving applause from the Italian people. I give you this advice, brothers, you must kill him."

Omar should be familiar with this by now. Born into Cross Cultism, Omar traded in his cross for the crescent when he married an Egyptian actress in the 1950's. Subsequently, true blue Islamist Omar thrilled his Mecca Maniac homeboys spitless when he kissed Barbra Streisand in the flick, "Funny Girl". Will some Islamikaze pinhead turn Omar into a crime statistic? Probably, because killing him in the name of Allah is the properly-Islamic thing to do.

MLB Officials Milk Ad Angst
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [10/22]

"There is nothing humorous about steroid abuse. I would think that the California Milk Processor Board and their advertising agency would know better regarding an issue that threatens America's youth.'' (Tim Bronson on the new "Got Milk" campaign.)

The fun started when the California Milk Processor Board decided to make the baseball playoffs memorable with a new "Got Milk" ad campaign that satirizes the league's get tough policy on steroids. Faster than a Nolan Ryan heater, MLB 'suits' went postal, giving the milk wrangling board a treasure trove of free publicity. Unimpressed, but too polite to say "Bite me", these milk promoters sat back to enjoy MLB's asinine antics.

The ads, according to the milk board, use parody to tell everyone that "milk is good for you, that milk actually does many of the things that people hope those wonder drugs might do for them and does so naturally" (San Francisco Chronicle):

'...In the first in the group of spots, called "Caught,'' a television sports anchor reports, "Home run hitter Dave Laden was pulled from last night's lineup after testing positive for a performance-enhancing substance.'' We next see a coach reaching into a locker and pulling out a carton of milk. The star tells reporters as he leaves the stadium, "I don't know how that got in there ... I think I'm being unfairly singled out. This stuff is everywhere. You can buy it in broad daylight. It's on about every corner. That's it, guys.'' In a voice-over, an announcer delivers the tag line "Got milk?''...'

'...In "Manager,'' an interviewer asks a team manager the sorts of questions Americans might ask about the steroid scandal, such as how telltale signs were overlooked. The ad cuts to black-and-white security camera footage of two baseball players pouring milk in a locker room. The skipper squirms, saying virtually nothing...' (Chronicle).

MLB officials need to lighten up and develop a sense of humor. As far as I'm concerned, they owe me one, since I endured their dubious jokes. It took considerable effort, but I managed to see the humor in MLB side-splitters, like the divisional playoff system, the infield fly rule and the designated hitter debacle. The least these MLB punks can do is meet me half way and muster a wry grin for these inspired - and damn funny - California Milk Processor Board ads. Don't make me send Spike the Wonder Tyke after you, MLB punks. You so don't want to go there.

Thus Sayeth Brent Bozell
Source: AP [10/19]

Amerika's self-appointed censor, L. Brent Bozell III, has come down from the mountain to bestow his alleged wisdom on the unrepentant sinners who perpetrate boob tube programming. Saint Brent decreed that the following shows are irredeemably unclean, and a pestilence on Amerikan families: "The War at Home", "The Family Guy", "American Dad", "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "Desperate Housewives", "The O.C.", That '70's Show", "Arrested Development", "Two and a Half Men" and "Cold Case Files". If you're looking for "family friendly" fare, Saint Brent conferred his blessings on: "American Idol", "The Ghost Whisperer" and "Everybody Hates Chris".

Those PIGsters who venerate the hot air spewed by Amerika's self-appointed censor - and we both know who you are - will find all the thrilling, "banned by Brent" details on his Parents Television Council Internet site.

Afterthought:
At press time, PIG News was unable to substantiate the allegation that Saint Brent had his hit list etched into stone tablets when he came down from Mt. Smugly Sanctimonious.

Fox Dumps The Skank's Show
Source: PIG News Wire [10/13]

Fox Network executives were a slam dunk for Heroes of the Week honors, until Governor Rick Perry aced them out at the wire. Spouting drivel about "no room for it on our schedule this season" Fox executives condemned the Skank's boob tube blight, "The Simple Life", to a well-deserved oblivion. That's heroic in our book, but not quite heroic enough.

No doubt Fox Network executives are bummed to miss out on Hero of the Week honors, and we don't blame them. However, they might still win that top spot, if the rumblings about slamming the Skank with a breach of contract lawsuit are true. According to our top secret sources, Fox executives are "angry at the heir of Hilton Company for refusing to talk with her co-star, Nicole Richie". That's why they have the Fox Network shysters warming up in the bullpen.

PIG salutes Fox executives for this heroic contribution to Amerikan culture. Thanks to them, it's safe for rational adults to turn on the boob tube.

Twerpy Tommy Slam of The Week
Source: The Superficial Internet Site [10/13]

It seems like everybody is taking potshots at Twerpy Tommy Cruise, now that his beard...I mean his prospective bride is preggers. Great zot, even Tony Danza took a swipe at Mr. Twerpy, but, by far our favorite Twerpy bashing rant is this stop the presses item from The Superficial internet site:

'...People magazine reports that Katie Holmes has dropped out of the Dennis Quaid film Shame On You so that she can "focus on her pregnancy," which consists mostly of her breasts getting bigger and Tom Cruise not caring. It's also been rumored that after she gives birth, Katie intends to become a stay-at-home mom.

Because Tom and Katie are really traditional like that, and they need their child to grow up with a firm understanding of the proper gender roles: mommies stay home and take care of the house, and daddies are hypodermic needles with semen in them. And every two weeks, some guy named Tom shows up reeking of leather and cosmopolitans, and pays everyone to keep their mouths shut...'

That's our idea of a slam. Heartfelt PIG kudos are conferred on the wordsmiths at The Superficial for a world class bitch-slapping.

Bitch-Slapping Twerpy Tommy
Source: PIG News Wire [10/08]

PIG News is amazed and amused to report that Twerpy Tommy Cruise is catching some heat about his blatant "Katie is urped" hypocrisy. Why are we amazed and amused? Because the bitch-slapping Twerpy just got was administered by Tony Danza of all people:

'...Danza took Cruise to task for giving other people like Brooke Shields advice while not making the best decisions for the Cruise household. "I'm a little upset about this. Here's a guy out there lecturing people about drugs, but out of wedlock births don't seem to bother him. He's never (appearing on) my show, so it doesn't matter. I'm happy for them, but we're going to send them to Maury Povich's show for a DNA test."...' (Left Coast Report)

PIG News dares to ask the burning question that even our bud Tony didn't ask: What the hell happened to Katie's vow to "save it until after she's married"? You're not the Virgin Katie, darlin' and there haven't been any Holy Spirit sightings in your neighborhood, so don't even think about spewing any Immaculate Conception hot air, because nobody is buying it.

PIG confers given 'em hell kudos on Tony Danza for giving Twerpy Tommy a long overdue bitch-slapping.

Looney Clooney
Source: PIG News Wire [10/03]

A man of few talents, George "Looney" Clooney seems determined to add "lefty blowhard" to "forgettable thespian" on his professional resume. For those who obsess on such things, here is some Looney Clooney prose for your thoughtful consideration:

'...[Upset that the word "liberal" is a dirty word, Looney blithers] "It blows my mind, because [unlike conservatives] we don't have to put the word 'compassionate' in front of it to say we actually give a s--t about people. I'm going to keep saying 'liberal' as loud as I can and as often as I can."

"In the end it all comes down to journalists. They're the first writers of history. There is no civil rights movement without journalists. There is no end of McCarthy. It's been a tough time for journalists -- if you ask a tough question of this administration, on a rare occasion when they have a press conference, you're put in the back of the room, or you're Maureen Dowd and you get your credentials pulled. To question anything about them is meant to be unpatriotic."

If someone backs this pagan scribbler into a corner and gives him a Hobson's choice between Looney Clooney's alleged acting and his lefty blithering, I'll take the blithering every time. Why? Because, Looney's blithering is much more newsworthy, and vastly more entertaining, than his on-screen ineptitude.

SEPTEMBER 2005

Air America Passes The Hat
Source: PIG News Wire [09/27]

The lefties running Air America haven't got a clue about the basic tenets of capitalism that govern the radio business, but it might not be their fault. It's probably a tad unreasonable to expect the unrepentant Marxists who perpetrate Air America to understand such mundane things as budgets, profit, loss, and - most important of all - providing a product that will attract paying advertisers. Eschewing such things, the Air America punks are borrowing a page from public broadcasting, by asking their notoriously cheap listeners to shell out a few greenbacks to keep the fledgling radio network solvent.

According to a recent World Net Daily piece, Air America's problems are, entirely, their own fault:

"As things stand now, they may be down to their last couple of months, but that could change at any moment if [George] Soros or one of the other big guns comes in, steps to the plate and puts up some cash. But otherwise, I think things are looking bleak. They're overpaying the air talent, they're fending off lawsuits, they're overspending. They just put a brand new studio facility in. They didn't need that. That was at Franken's insistence and now he's not even going to use it. He's moving to Minnesota. So they're wasting money, they're not bringing it in. It's a mess." (Radio analyst Brian Maloney)

If you want to help these lib lip-flappers stay on the air, here are the Cliff Notes on Air America donations:

'...On its website, Air America lists the benefits of membership, stating, "In return for your help, we'll send you a monthly Associates insider e-mail with the backstage news from our shows and our headquarters. When we take Air America Radio on the road, we'll invite you to meet our hosts and progressive leaders in your community. And for gifts of $50 and up, we've got free stuff to send you."...' (WND)

If you pony up $1 to $99 you get three bumperstickers. Giving $100 to $249 gets you a "a stylin, yet functional, tote bag". Giving these clowns $250 or more earns you an on-air thank you. And now you really do now the rest of the story.

John Kerry's New Nightmare
Source: PIG News Wire [09/26]

The newest "must see" flick is a documentary called "Inside The Bubble". It's an action pack peek behind the scenes of John Kerry's 2004 Presidential campaign. I know what you're thinking, "no way in hell" Sparky, but the early buzz on this is that it's John Kerry's worst nightmare. The sleuths at Cinematical dug up this nifty dirt:

'...[highlights of the flick] include a scene of Kerry nervously babbling in Italian before an interview, a shot of Hillary Clinton rolling her eyes whilst watching Kerry debate, and numerous other gaffes and bloopers featuring various Kerry staffers and supporters. Though director Steve Rosenberg refers to himself as "a lifelong Democrat" and Kerry supporter, the film's press release describes it as following "a disorganized, contentious, self-absorbed team that thought they could win by 'not making mistakes,' and keeping their candidate in the public eye without clarifying a position on anything."...'.

If that's not enough to entice you, consider this thrilling factoid: Kerry's minions are already slamming the flick as "a childish home movie". That sounds like a rave review to this Pagan. It's called "Inside the Bubble". Be there or be square.

Circling The Wagons
Source: PIG News Wire [09/22]

The VRWC in general, and those on talk radio in particular are circling the wagons around their main Oval Office man, today, after the National Enquirer published a story about recovered boozer, George W. Bush, taking up his old habits again, albeit in moderation. The Cliff Notes on this epic include the following items:

The First Lady went high volume postal when she caught her hubby downing "a Texas size shot of straight whiskey."

Unnamed sources say the pressure of Hurricane Katrina's flattening of the Gulf Coast got to the president and prompted him to take a drink, here and there, to calm his nerves.

At least one talk show host is livid that the Enquirer would call W "a boozer" when the scandal sheet didn't publish the name of a single source.

Is W back on the sauce? We don't know, but, given all the pressure he's under, it's a parting of the Red Sea class miracle if he isn't taking the occasional nip to get him through the day. The VRWC's over-the-top reaction to this story tells us a lot more about them, than this Enquirer story does about the president.

Geraldo Slams Minutemen
Source: PIG News Wire [09/19]

Alleged journalist, Geraldo Rivera, told his home boys what they wanted to hear when he spewed his demented drivel at the National Association of Hispanic Journalists. Calling the Minutemen vigilantes, this press card packing clown, lived down to our lowest expectations by spewing bovine excrement about Amerika's pressing need for border jumping scumbags.

"In vast sections of the country, there would not be a lawn mowed or a dish washed but for illegal immigrants."

Geraldo needs to pull his head out of his butt - probably, a first for this asshat. Failing that, he should answer this question: who did these "nobody else will take them" jobs before Amerika was overrun by chronically-needy, disease-ridden, border jumping scumbags? The answer, PIGsters, is teenagers, students, and other individuals who are entering the job market for the first time. Your fifteen minutes ended years ago, punk, so shut the [expletive deleted] up and sit down. Don't make me come over there, you Amerika-hating son-of-a-bitch.

A Differently-Religious Panty Twister
Source: AP [09/17]

Some differently-religious whiners got their non-believer panties in a wad when an 'Good Morning America' host, Bill Weir, opined that "There are not atheists in foxholes." In a heartbeat hypersensitive dweebs in a cabal named "American Atheists" was in a lather and gearing up for a fight:

'...American Atheists contacted Mr. Weir, ABC and the parent Walt Disney Company urging a retraction. The group also mobilized Atheists across the country urging them to speak out, and ask Mr. Weir and ABC to disavow the earlier comments...' (AP)

Channeling his inner Surrender Monkey, Mr. Weir phoned American Atheist president, Ellen Johnson and apologized, soothing those easily ruffled atheist feathers. If you're differently-religious and didn't get the news, be advised that the all clear just sounded. It's okay to like 'Good Morning America', ABC and ABC parent company Disney.

Burning Question: Are ratings so puny at ABC's 'Good Morning America' that the show's producers feel compelled to coddle its microscopic atheist demographics?

Picking Up His Toys?
Source: PIG News Wire [09/15]

Aussie thespian and hotel brawler, Russell Crowe, is steamed over the felony assault charges he's facing for beaning a Big Apple bellboy with a phone. The 'Gladiator' star is so irate that he is making noises about dumping Hollywood like a bad habit. Before you read too much into his blithering, consider this fun fact: if he's convicted of felony assault, he might be officially banned from entering the United States.

Since Hollywood is located in Mexifornia, PIG News isn't that sure such a ban would include tinsel town. Whatever the case, PIG has a message for Russell: Don't let the door smack your butt on the way out dude.

The Great Disappearing Sweater Puppy Caper
Source: Defamer Web Site [09/14]

PIG News is amazed to report that certain keen observers of teenage wench pulchritude are yammering about the inflation and eventually deflation of Lindsey Lohan's sweater puppies. Instead of putting a PIG News spin on this stop the presses epic, I'll let the horndogs at Defamer do the heavy lifting:

'... Back when Lindsay Lohan exploded into the national breast-obsessed consciousness by undergoing a seemingly miraculous, overnight bazooming, we never imagined we’d ever have to entertain a debate on whether she’d have an operation to make the world’s most-discussed rack smaller...'

'...In the editing process for her recent video “Rumors” I saw lots of footage that never made the cut, including many shots that made those large breasts-like-objects appear to be cheap Chatsworth accessories. Very fake in a half-basketball way. She just shot a new video, for a song called “Over” and the change is obvious. Her chest IS much smaller and more natural looking. (I didn’t say they were “natural,” just that they may have downgraded the artillery to a more believable caliber.) ...'

Those PIGsters who need more in depth coverage of this sweater puppy shrinkage caper will need to get their updates from Defamer, because, quite frankly, we've, uh, milked this item for all it's worth. If you're breathlessly awaiting an apology for that lame pun, learn to live with your disappointment, she's young enough to be your daughter Sparky.

Desperate Measures?
Source: PIG New Wire [09/09]

PIG's favorite gossip wranglers - the rumor mongers at Cinematical - bring us an eerie tale of the soon to be undead. A hot Tinsel Town rumor reports that, despite the fun fact that his title character achieved room temperature in "Gladiator", Gladiator's leading man, Russell Crowe, is moving heaven and earth to run a Gladiator sequel up the movie studio flagpole. Does that mean he plans to disinter the mortal remains of Maximus? You better believe it, movie sequel hell Sparky:

'...Crowe himself is the one who brought up the afterlife thing - "We've had...ideas...where we step off into the metaphysical and you actually acknowledge the fact that Maximus is dead."...'

Our favorite part of this Cinematical blurb is their suggested title: "Gladiator 2: Maximus' Rotting Flesh".

Kulture Tidbits
Source: PIG News Wire [09/08]

Maggot Alert
PIG News learned, from our usual top secret sources, that Michael 'The Maggot' Moore is poised to do another hatchet job - he calls them documentary films - on the Hurricane Katrina debacle in the Big Easy. Despite all the likely candidates for a well-deserved cinematic evisceration, we're willing to bet the proverbial agricultural endeavor that the Maggot paints a racist bull's-eye on Uncle Sam and finds some way to put George W. Bush in a white KKK rig.

Won't somebody out there do us all a favor and harpoon this bloated blight on humanity?

The Simpson Sisters
If you're planning an 'A' list bash, don't invite celebrity photographer David La Chapelle and the Simpson sisters, unless you need some fireworks to liven things up. Why? Because, Mr. Chapelle got his celluloid panties in a bunch after Ashlee and Jessica refused to let him photograph them for a Rolling Stone layout.

Sufficiently outraged, Mr. Chapelle laid this memorable prose on a New York Daily News scribbler:

"They're everything that's wrong with music, they're everything wrong with culture, and everything wrong with art - in one family! They're nothing. They have nothing. They hold no interest whatsoever for anybody. They're reality-red-carpet, lip-synching television stars. I don't think they offer anything".

Lighten up, David, because the odds are that your career will last a lot longer than theirs.

What Am I Gonna Do with All These Tomatoes?
Source: PIG News Wire [09/07]

You can stop storing those rotten tomatoes, PIGsters, because Jane Fonda just pulled the plug on next year's bus tour around Amerika to protest the war. When pressed for a reason, Jane blithered something about Cindy Sheehan's stop the presses peace tour across Amerika. What the hell is Jane smoking these days? Cindy Sheehan can't buy a paragraph on the obituary page in Gomer, Ohio, now that Hurricane Katrina sucked up all the News Nitwit oxygen.

That Sinking Feeling
Source: ABC News [09/05]

Fresh from his triumphant News Nitwit exploits in Iran, alleged actor, Sean Penn, arrived in New Orleans to spread his special brand of joy. According to an ABC News item, Sean's latest career-reviving photo op didn't run exactly as planned. First, the boat he commandeered had a hole in it and began taking on water the instant it hit the water. Next, the boat's motor didn't start, so Sean and his posse had to start rowing. I'll let ABC do the honors on the final indignity:

'...bystanders eyeing off the massive entourage on the boat - it even included a personal photographer for Penn - taunted the actor. "How are you going to get any people in that thing?"...' (ABC News)

PIG is tempted to advise Sean not to give up his day job but we're not that sure this washed up thespian has any career more meaningful than "Shameless Self Promoter of the Month". Your 15 minutes are over, Spicoli.

A Tempest Named Camille
Source: PIG News Wire [09/05]

PIG's favorite word wrangler, Camille Paglia, skewered the boob tube's Ken and Barbie news readers in a recent commentary with these immortal words:

"...to ask for powers of scientific or sociological analysis from the preening parrots currently infesting American media is a pointless exercise. The time is long gone when American broadcasting could draw on the talents of foreign correspondents who honed their skills during the Second World War. Edward R Murrow, Eric Sevareid, Howard K Smith and Walter Cronkite had a gravitas and stoic deliberativeness that seemed a million miles away from the flirty smirkiness of the airheaded moppets and gym-sculpted pretty boys who now harangue us from the TV screen."

Spit it out, Camille...tell us what you really think.

Boob Tube Ads That Amaze and Amuse
Source: Pagan Scribbler Shallow Thoughts [09/01]

The other evening, while I took a break from channel surfing, an ad came on for a magic pill that would put the lead back in a dude's pencil. (No, it's not Viagra). Anyway, after extolling the pill's lead-inducing virtues, the voice over starts spewing a laundry list of "possible" side effects. The ensuing maladies the pill might cause never seemed to end.

Eventually, after I had a moment to ponder this Madison Avenue spew, I posed the burning question: What's the point in taking a pill that puts lead in your pencil if it makes you feel too crappy to do anything about your 'leaded' condition?

AUGUST 2005

Counting, Uh...Noses?
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/29]

GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) has its panties in a wad because the differently-sexual are egregiously under-represented on the six major broadcast networks. After conducting an analysis of the 2005-2006 boob tube season, GLAAD members are so mad they might run wild and burn their Judy Garland posters. In case someone asks at the trial, this differently sexual hissy-fit boils down to two basic whines:

Whine 1: There differently-sexual managed a pathetic 2% of the acting roles, with a meager 16 characters.

Whine 2: Of those 16 differently-sexual characters, 13 are - GASP! - white (predominantly white males).

PIG is shocked, shocked I tell you. PIG is shocked that these GLAAD dipsticks don't have anything better to do with their time than conduct this differently-sexual character bean counting. If these GLAAD whiners weren't terminally weird before they mainlined on network boob tube fare, they damn sure will be afterwards. And now you really do know the rest of the story.

Will Infinity Black Flag Howard Stern?
Source: Fox News [08/25]

"In Nanny State Amerika, government airwaves speech is only as free as a pious pinhead like Brent Bozell will allow."
(Stealth Wisdom)

The FCC's Thought Police might finally succeed in driving Decency Demon Howard Stern from the government's airwaves, if all goes according to plan. The trap got set last year, when Viacom owned Infinity Broadcasting negotiated a $3.5 million dollar settlement that included this nifty goodie:

'...As part of a consent decree, Infinity agreed to immediately suspend any DJs who receive formal Federal Communications Commission (search) complaints in the future — even before any internal investigation...' (Fox)

At press time, Stern is thisclose to being kicked off the air, thanks to a February 2005 show that featured Stern's familiar obsession with porn stars and sex toys. Stern himself reports that the FCC is 'considering" complaints from the usual suspects - Amerika's volunteer censor, Brent Bozell is high on this pagan scribbler's likely suspects list. Believe it or not, Howard welcomes this test of Infinity's resolve:

"I pray to God the FCC hands down a fine against this station for my broadcast in February so that we can see them enact this ridiculous policy. Steve (Infinity lawyer Steve Lerman) might say, 'You know what, we don't think this is indecent or obscene. We aired it and we think it's fine.' No. They're going to suspend me no matter what. No matter what!" (Fox)

Will Infinity black flag Howard Stern? Probably. Will this accelerate Howard's move to Sirius Satellite Radio? Not necessarily. Howard Stern is going, going...gone, but, that's nothing to celebrate. No matter what you think about Howard, the untimely demise of his government airwaves show will sound the death knell for free speech in Nanny State Amerika.

The Michael Graham Saga
Source: PIG News Wire [08/23]

A D.C. boom box talk show host named Michael Graham ignited a Mecca Maniac firestorm when he, repeatedly called Islam a "terrorist organization", not once, or twice, but 23 times during his memorable July 25 broadcast. Instead of trying to characterize Michael's prose, we'll let you decide for yourself based on what has to be Michael's knockout punch:

"If the Boy Scouts of America had 1,000 scout troops, and 10 of them practiced suicide bombings, then the BSA would be considered a terrorist organization. If the BSA refused to kick out those 10 troops, that would make the case even stronger. If people defending terror repeatedly turned to the Boy Scout handbook and found language that justified and defended murder – and the scoutmasters in charge simply said 'Could be' – the Boy Scouts would have driven out of America long ago."

Michael's prose, as fun as it is, shouldn't get him fired, unless - as happens to be the case - he's employed by the spineless wimps at Disney's ABC radio. After repeated orders to apologize, pleas that Michael heeded, up to a point, Michael finally drew the line after Disney - prodded by the punks at CAIR - kept demanding a more abject, "I'm a dirty racist rat bastard" class apology. When Michael refused to go there, Disney bent over for CAIR and fired our hero.

Needless to say, Michael had a lot to say about his firing and the punks at CAIR:

"The whole point of the Michael Graham show is what my listeners and I call the 'natural truth,' those obvious facts about modern life that the PC police and mainstream media believe should never be discussed. That includes the tragic, but undeniable relationship between terrorism and Islam as it is constituted today."

"It appears that ABC Radio has caved to an organization that condemns talk radio hosts like me, but has never condemned Hamas, Hezbollah, and one that wouldn't specifically condemn al-Qaida for three months after 9-11. As a fan of talk radio, I find it absolutely outrageous that pressure from a special interest group like CAIR can result in the abandonment of free speech and open discourse on a talk radio show. As a conservative talk host whose job is to have an open, honest conversation each day with my listeners, I believe caving to this pressure is a disaster."

"The decision to give CAIR what it wants – a group with well-publicized ties to terrorists and terror-related organizations -- will make it harder for the reformers to successfully face Islam's challenges. Still worse, silencing people like me will make it easier for Islamist extremists to dismiss all sincere calls for reform as mere 'bigotry'." (WND)

Is this the end for Michael Graham? Hardly. This week, Clear Channel's talk radio heavyweight, KFI, hired Michael as a fill-in host, but the smart money predicts that he's being groomed for a regular slot on KFI in the very near future. Hold onto your hats, boom box fans. Talk radio has a new rising start who has demonstrated, conclusively, that he takes no prisoners.

Bob Costas Takes a Stand
Source: PIG News Wire [08/20]

Bob Costas showed up for a guest host gig at the Larry King Show, last week, but he didn't stay around as long as the show's producers anticipated. It all went swimmingly, until the show's producers told Bob that 7 of the show's 10 segments involved Natalee Holloway's disappearance on Aruba. When Bob suggested alternative segment topics the producers nodded politely and refused to change the show's theme. That's when Bob bid told the producers to find somebody else to host the show.

Afterwards, Mr. Costas issued a statement that included this winning prose:

"I didn't think the subject matter of Thursday's show was the kind of broadcast I should be doing. I suggested some alternatives but the producers preferred the topics they had chosen. I was fine with that, and respectfully declined to participate."

PIG is thrilled to discover that there's at least one News Nitwit with a non-negotiable set of principles in the MSM. We'd like to think that other News Nitwits will emulate Bob's principled stand, but we're not that simple.

Names in The News
Source: Left Coast Report (News Max) [08/17]

Believe it or not there are a few rational adults left in Hollywood. Today, PIG News is pleased to present the following examples:

Benjamin Bratt
Boob tube star, Bratt made these comments after a visit with the wounded service men and women in Walter Reed Hospital:

"There were men missing legs and others had lost an arm in Iraq. There were young men who had been blinded. I could only think to ask them: Are you happy to be home? Without exception, they each answered, 'If I could, I'd want to get back to the field to help the rest of our guys get back.' It's the same courage and self-sacrifice that our fathers had in World War II and it's beautiful. I don't care what your politics are or your opinion about war or foreign policy or how we ended up at the war. It's about the men and women putting their lives on the line. They do it with love in their hearts for other soldiers."

Well deserved Kudos are conferred on Benjamin Bratt for taking the time to get up close and personal with Amerika's men and women in uniform.

James Woods
This film star took dead aim at Hollywood's mindset with the following quotes:

"In this politically correct era, the middle-aged heterosexual white guy gets to play one part, he gets to play the a**hole in the suit. That's the only part they make anymore. That's the only part there is for a white heterosexual guy. Sorry, but it's the truth."

"Even when he's the hero now: Like Tom Cruise in 'War of the Worlds,' he's the hero, right? Steven Spielberg, Tom Cruise, H.G. Wells, how do you top that? They do a remarkable job of how they make the movie and so on, but he has to be a father who's a lousy parent, a terrible ex-husband, blah blah blah."

"You can't be a heterosexual white guy and be a hero anymore. You've gotta be really flawed and really bad and a piece of crap. Otherwise, the marketing department says, 'You can't have white guys be decent people. They're the enemy. They only put a man on the Moon and wrote 'Hamlet.' Why should we let them have any cred?'"

"Independent films are a conservative's dream. They're a meritocracy. You either gotta do the work or you get fired, because you don't have time to give somebody a free ride and you don't have the money, so you've gotta actually do the work. You can't have nepotism and all that stuff. You've actually gotta do the job - get the job because you deserve it and do it well and get out."

James Woods is a refreshing change from the whining, Amerika-hating lefties who infest Hollywood.

JULY 2005

Banned In Kentucky
Source: Lexington Herald-Leader [08/12]

PBS stellar, uber liberal Garrison Keillor got tripped up by Amerika's decency dementia when the University of Kentucky public radio station - WUKY-91.3 FM - cancelled a daily Keillor featurette because it was deemed 'offensive'. Keillor's five minute radio adventures started with soft piano music and Keillor 'remembering major moments in writing history'. Each show ended with a poem and Keillor's "be well, do good work, and keep in touch" sign off. And what, you ask did uber lefty Garrison perpetrate that so alarmed the forces of decency at this Kentucky Ivory Tower? As usual, PIG News has all the thrilling facts:

'...WUKY managers decided to stop carrying the Almanac after a recent spate of language advisories, although they were tracking the content for about a year, [WUKY general manager Tom] Godell said. The warnings, issued by the program's production company, came about Curse of the Cat Woman by Edward Field, which contained violent themes and the word "breast"; Thinking About the Past by Donald Justice, which also used the word "breast"; and Reunion by Amber Coverdale, which contained the phrase "get high." The poems were scheduled for broadcast between July 23 and Aug. 12...' (Herald-Leader)

Believe it or not, Garrison had something rational to say about this Kin-tucky decency uproar:

"There isn't one of them I would hesitate to offer to any high school English class. The fact that someone is troubled by hearing the word 'breast' is interesting, but what are we supposed to do with A Visit From St. Nicholas and the 'breast of the new fallen snow'? Should it become a shoulder or an elbow? I don't think so."

If Amerika is this hypersensitive, you might as well stick a fork in Uncle Sam, because we are done!

This pagan scribbler is feeling a tad queasy over finding himself agreeing with a way lefty like Garrison Keillor. You'll need to pardon me, PIGsters, while I take a badly-needed brewskie break.

Newsworthy Tidbits
Source: PIG News Wire [08/09]

Mike Tyson
This week's Left Coast Report warns its readership that washed up pugilist, Mike Tyson, is mulling a long overdue career change. The notorious ear-biter is - we are not making this up - thisclose, to inking a deal to appear in porn films. Any porn wench that's doomed to getting horizontal with Tyson should demand hazardous duty pay. Bold new concept.

Twerpy Tommy Cruise
According to the Urban Dictionary web site, Twerpy Tommy Cruise's antics on that infamous Oprah appearance inspired a new pop culture phrase. The new phrase is "jumping the couch" and it's defined as "The defining moment when you know somebody has gone off the deep end."

Sean Connery Retires, Probably
Source: PIG News Wire [07/31]

Acting legend Sean Connery is up to 'here' with the dim bulbs running the movie business so he announced his retirement this week. Unwilling to characterize Mr. Connery's well chosen words, I'll let Sean do his own talking:

"I'm fed up with the idiots ... the ever-widening gap between people who know how to make movies and the people who green-light the movies. I don't say they're all idiots. I'm just saying there's a lot of them that are very good at it [being idiots]. It would almost need a Mafia-like offer I couldn't refuse to do another movie." (Scotsman)

If you're a Hollywood idiot who wants Sean Connery for your flick, you better own a Swiss Bank, because his asking price just doubled.

What The Hell Is Mel Smoking?
Source: PIG News Wire [07/25]

Mel Gibson's newest film project proves what you can get away with when you're an 8,000 pound, Hollywood money machine, gorilla. The first thing you need to know about "Apocalypto" is that it is not another Cross Cult flick. In fact, it's a historical adventure that takes place in Central America, 500 years ago. The second thing you'll want to know is that, for reason's known only to Mel, the film dialogue will be 100% Mayan. That's right PIGsters, Mayan! The third thing you need to know is that the house of the mouse, Disney, didn't even blink when the heard the news and, immediately inked a deal to market and distribute Mel's Mayan-language movie.

PIG has a hot flash for Mel - a dude we happen to like: take your medication; increase the voltage on your shock treatments; lay off the sacramental wine; don't listen to those voices in your head. Finally, Mel, drop us a line if you ever do another movie in a civilized language like ENGLISH, because hell will freeze over before I shell out one thin dime for a flick that perpetrates Mayan lingo, exclusively!

Hanoi Jane Update
Source: PIG News Wire [07/25]

With her staring role as Mrs. Ted Turner a distant memory and her thespian career on life support, peace wench, Emeritus, Hanoi Jane Fonda decided to breathe some new life into her moribund peacenik spokeswench role. According to our top secret news source Hanoi Jane plans a glorious, cross country tour of the USA in a bus powered by vegetable oil to "call for an end to U.S. military operations in Iraq" (AP).

Don't start stocking up on rotting tomatoes yet, PIGsters, because Hanoi Jane's peace wench tour probably won't start until March 2006. That should give PIG plenty of time to organize a suitable welcome, when she invades our home turf.

PIG has a hot flash for Hanoi Jane: "Barbarella" was a long time ago, and as tasty as you looked, then, it's not nearly enough to make us overlook your on-going, peace slut antics. Knock it the hell off, Jane. Don't make us come over there.

Washington Post's Korrectnik Reporting
Source: PIG News Wire [07/27]

According to Tongue Tied, the police issued this alert:

"The four suspects are described as black males, possibly late teens or early twenties. One of the suspects is about 5'7", 22-25 years old, wearing a gray long sleeve T-shirt, and cornrow hairstyle. The suspect's vehicle is described as a newer model tan or beige/light colored sedan."

The Post's ombudsman, Michael Getler, reports that the fishwrap wanted 'avoid a "mass of innocent black men being 'suspects'"..' (Tongue Tied), so the fishwrap Korrected the police bulletin to read:

"Police are looking for the gunmen, described as being in their late teens or early twenties, driving a newer-model tan or light-colored sedan."

Afterwards, in response to some reader complaints over the Post's coverage, Post ombudsman Getler served up these telling tidbits about his fishwrap:

'...[The Post's] guidelines say: "In general, race and ethnic background should not be mentioned unless they are clearly relevant. They are obviously relevant in stories about civil rights issues, the problems or achievements of minority groups, cultural history and racial conflict. They are also relevant and should be used in crime stories when we have enough specific identifying information to publish a police description of a suspect who is being sought."

Metro editors said it was their "view that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of black men about 5'7" with cornrows between ages 22-25 in Prince George's and (nearby) D.C. That is not specific enough detail to avoid a mass of innocent black men being 'suspects.'" Metro's top editor, Robert McCartney, said, "This strikes me as a judgment call: How specific does the description need to be before we provide the identifying information?" Our experienced editors, he said, "thought this call was the right one, given Post Stylebook guidelines."...' (Washington Post)

If you're looking for "the rest of the story" and it involves the properly-hyphenated, you're not going to get it from the Korrectnik asshats running the Washington Post.

Mikey's Quest of Immortality
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [07/16]

According to a scribbler named Michael Luckman, the noseless child molesting pervert is frantically seeking some way to preserve is mortal remains though cryogenic preservation so, he can be revived at some unspecified date in the distant future. Here's the money quote from a recent N.Y. Daily News item: "Michael has gone to extreme lengths to achieve immortality".

According to Luckman, Mikey is:

Slam dunking massive quantities of a Romanian drug called GH3 that is alleged to make you live longer.
Dumping millions into DNA research.
Depositing samples in sperm banks around the world.

Am I the only one who is repulsed by the notion of an eternal Mikey? I doubt it. Somebody needs to explain to me, again, why we can't just shoot this pervert and be done with it.

Whopper of the Day
Source: Pagan Scribbler Prattle Tantrum [07/14]

Today, Hannity started his boom box babbling by proclaiming his quest for objectivity on the Karl Rove caper. How the hell does he say such things with a straight face? When it comes to Karl - the source of Sean's Kool-Aid - Sean is so far from 'objective', he couldn't spot it with the Hubble Telescope.

During his adventure in objectivity, Sean cited the following, Rove-related smoking guns that prove "Those damn libs are out to get my daddy Karl":

Sean: "We're at war."
PIG: True, but so what. What does our war on the terrorist asshats have to do with the price of jelly beans and/or Rove's problems?

Sean: "Our borders are unprotected."
PIG: True, but your pal President Bush is largely responsible for that. How does this have anything to do with Rove?

Sean: "The democrats are out of control with their anti-war mania."
PIG: True, but this, too, has little to do with Rovegate.

Sean: "The democrats think this is another Watergate."
PIG: Well duh! If this is your idea of a stop the presses insight, you're in worse shape than I thought, Sean.

Sean: "The democrats want to impeach President Bush over the Rove incident.
PIG: You're delusional, Sean. The libs would love to impeach GWB, but it's doubtful in the extreme that Rovegate would be a factor.

Make no mistake, Hannity is mostly okay, as far as PIG can tell. Admittedly, he's a tad delusional at times, but we like that in a boom box host. "Delusional about what?" Okay, let's start with his intro that proclaims his show as three hours of "NEWS". Sean is not a news man, and no rational adult should expect him to be one. Sean - like every other boom box babbler - is the talk radio equivalent of your fishwrap's Editorial page. Unless you're a Michael Moore class nitwit, you're not looking for hard - who, what, when, where, why - news in your fishwrap's editorial/commentary section. Why would you expect to get hard news from Hannity's three hour "commentary"?.

Perverse bastards that we are, the entire PIG staff would deem it compelling boom box fare, if Sean was cut off from his Karl Rove Kool-Aid for an extended period of time. The ensuing public airwaves carnage would be very entertaining. I know, I know...We're doing our best to muster up some shame, but it's not easy when you're as hideously smug as the PIG staff.

Ted Nugent In His Own Words
Source: Pagan Scribble News Wire [07/11]

Now that a certain staunchly conservative hard rocker is "thisclose" to running for Michigan's governorship, PIG News thinks its time to serve up a few tasty Ted Nugent quotes, to give Wolverine State voters a heads-up on the man who might become their next chief executive.

Ted On "English Only"

A few years ago, Ted caused a furor when, at a concert stop in Mexas, he warned "If you can't speak English get the [expletive deleted] out of America." When asked about it in a recent interview with a reporter from a Mexas fishwrap - The Austin American-Statesman - he shared some to the point, Ted reality:

"You've heard the horror story of the dumbing-down of America. Part of that dumbing-down is also the chiseling away of true independence, which drove the original immigration dreamers coming through Ellis Island. . . . They knew they had to read those English words while they're pushing the broom, while they're sewing those garments, while they're doing that dry cleaning, while they're picking that fruit, while they're working on those shoes, you know what I mean? That era of work ethic towers over the current (one) of 'no comprende.' " (Rocky Mount Telegram)

Why Ted wears the Confederate Flag

"(It's) a historical symbol of a lifestyle and a freedom and an independence below the Mason-Dixon line that many great men and women gave up their lives for during the Civil War. To me, it represents a certain defiance against federalism, a certain defiance against other people telling you how to live your life. And I wear it because I'm a big fan of defiance." (Telegram)

Ted on Gun Control

"You should be able to put the second bullet in the same hole as the first bullet. That's gun control..." (Telegram)

PIG wants to get on this bandwagon early, so we're officially endorsing Ted Nugent for Governor of Michigan. If anyone can turn Michigan into a 'red state' it's Ted. Can I get a rousing amen from the PIGster congregation on a new Ted Nugent campaign slogan? "Go Red with Ted!"

Maggot Update
Source: News Max's Left Coast Report [07/06]

Michael 'The Maggot' Moore is staging a tribute to leftism in the Wolverine State that he calls 'The Traverse City Film Festival'. If you suspect that this bloated, allegedly human, behemoth will find a way to ram his rancid Amerika hating bovine excrement down the unwary film festival attendees throat, give yourself a cookie. In addition to such mainstream 'classic' flicks as "Jaws", "The Princess Bride", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "Casablanca", this grotesque pimple on Uncle Sam's butt will run the following 'gems' up the lefty scumbag flagpole:

"The Ax", "Human Resources" and "Time Out" - All three perpetrate class envy themes.
"Mondovino" - This one castigates globalism.
"Enron: The Smartest Guys in The Room" - It paints capitalists as greedy crooks in three-piece suits.
"11 de Septembre" and "Gunner Place" - Both take a leftist, peacenik view of the war on terror.
"The Assassination of Richard Nixon" - If you don't get this one, you're in a coma.

As much as this reeks, there's some good news in store for besieged Traverse City denizens. Some outraged locals enlisted support from the American Film Festival and the American Film Renaissance and are sponsoring their own film festival to counter the Maggot's lefty bloviating. This Moore bashing film extravaganza is called the "Traverse Bay Freedom Film Fest" and it will feature Moore-bashing/pro Amerika films. Kudos to these Traverse City denizens for getting in the Maggot's face.

Stellar Tom Cruise Bashing Prose
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [07/06]

If the Gulag has any redeeming qualities, aside from its spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean, it's a San Francisco Chronicle columnist named Mark Morford. Mark is the cleverest, poison pen lefty in this or any other universe. This week, he aimed his rapier-like prose at one of PIG's favorite targets: Twerpy Tommy Cruise.

Here are a few memorable tidbits from this inspirational prose:

'...Let it begin now. Let it start with a wry askance glance and evolve into full-fledged annoyance and then move into raging hell-bent OK that's quite enough now please stop before we slap you silly. Note to Tom Cruise: You are maxing out. Wearing out the welcome. Becoming less the tolerable and moderately talented and mildly likable megastar and more like an itchy boil on the deranged ferret of popular culture, requiring lancing...'

'...Tom Cruise is getting weirder, more annoying than ever. Or maybe he was already deeply weird and we just didn't know it because he was famously tight-lipped in interviews and was never much of a deep thinker and wasn't all that articulate and no one really paid much attention because, well, who really cares?...'

'...So anyway. Thanks, Tom, for all the decent movies, aggro performances, that mega-intense, frat-boy-on-'roids stare. But please, before you get any weirder, would you maybe consider exiting calmly? Is it too late to ask? If we all buy a copy of Hubbard's silly little "Dianetics" and send it to Brooke Shields, will you go away and leave us alone? Damn. I didn't think so...' (Chronicle)

This pagan scribbler confers mega props on Mark Morford for another stellar column.

A VRWC War Zone Visit
Source: Fox News [07/05]

Determined to get the real story about our efforts to restore order in Iraq, some VRWC second stringers organized something they call the "Truth Tour". The trip to Iraq will, we're assured, serve up the real news about the ongoing melee in Iraq, not the defeatist bovine excrement dished up by the infamous "mainstream media". This VRWC field trip will include broadcasts from U.S. Central Command headquarters in Baghdad's Green Zone, plus field reports from the participants as they make day trips with our troops. Big, big fun.

The prime movers behind this effort are 'the conservative Web cast radio group Rightalk.com and Move America Forward, a non-profit conservative group backed by a Republican-linked public relations firm in California' (Fox News). Seven to ten members strong, the 'Truth Tour" will include a Gulag based boom box talker - KSFO's Melanine Morgan - plus two writers from David Horowitz's 'Front Page Magazine'. It probably won't include such top echelon boom box babblers as Hannity, Medved, Elder, Limbaugh or Savage.

If anyone manages to get their butt shot off, or something newsworthy transpires, PIG News will give you all the nifty tidbits.

JUNE 2005

ABC Dumps Reality Show
Source: Washington Post [06/30]

ABC surrendered to pressure group whining and nuked an already finished reality show before the first episode hit the allegedly "public" airwaves. The show is named "Welcome to the Neighborhood" and it's as dead as the dodo bird. It's untimely demise is a tad puzzling, since, on paper, "Welcome to the Neighborhood" seemed ideal fare for an egregiously liberal network like ABC. Set in a lily white, Austin (Mexas) neighborhood populated by WASPs, it had all the essential elements to keep the properly-hyphenated couch potato fixated throughout the six show run.

Essentially a culture war in miniature, "Welcome to the Neighborhood" showcased three white, Christian, Mexas families who were given the task of choosing the family who would be allowed to move into a vacant house on their street. Determined to elicit all those legendary great white Christian bigot responses, the show's producers pulled out the stops when it came to selecting the 'candidate' families:

'...[The three dastardly oppressive families] must choose from families that are black, Hispanic and Asian; two gay white men who've adopted a black child; a couple covered in tattoos and piercings; a couple who met at the woman's initiation as a witch; and a poor white family...' (Post)

Given the show's theme, you probably think that James Dobson, Brent Bozell, or some other family values fathead whined the show off the airwaves. If you think that, you're wrong. This time, it was GLAAD BAAGs and other Korrectniks who fired "not on my boob tube" shots across ABC's bows. Their primary complaint is that, despite a properly-enlightened - can't we all just get along - conclusion, the show gives "intolerance and bigotry" a boob tube network seal of approval in the initial episodes. One Korrectnik whimper was all it took for ABC to furl its sales, and cut its losses. Gutless? You better believe it, liberal media bias Sparky.

If you're thinking that ABC will salvage its investment by selling the completed, but unaired, reality series to a cable network with more spine, join the club. It's stay tuned time in the top secret PIG News bunker.

PIG Kudos Daily Double
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/28]

Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq is more then the most dominate player in professional basketball. Shaq is also a man with the vision to contemplate his life after basketball. In addition to his well-deserved "All World" hoops credentials, Shaq is a part-time police officer, but his off court activities don't end there. This week, Shaq enhanced his already impressive resume by adding a Master of Business Degree to his accomplishments. Far from finished, Shaq hopes to add another master's degree and a doctorate to his degree collection, in the next few years.

PIG kudos got out to Shaq for showing, through his own shining example, that there's more to life than the fame and fortune that a lucky few earn on the basketball court.

Alicia Keys
Alicia Keys is gifted singer who has already racked up numerous, richly-deserved Grammy awards. Many in her position might kick back and enjoy her hard earned fame, but not Alicia. This summer, she is lending her name, her time, her talent and her energy to a Florida-based mentoring group that helps teenagers "become self-motivated and reach their potential".

If you want to pitch in, here are the salient facts:

'...An online auction (at www.charityfolks.com) is planned to raise money for the group, and Keys is among celebs donating. She'll provide VIP passes to her performance at the upcoming Essence Music Festival in New Orleans and a chance to be her guest while she tapes her "Unplugged" album next month. Bidding ends June 30...' (O.C. Register)

PIG confers kudos on Ms. Keys for helping these teenagers get the mentoring she wanted, needed, but never had while growing up. Look up giving something back in your Websters and you'll find Alicia's picture.

Silence Is Golden?
Source: News Max [06/27]

An outraged News Max, breathlessly, reports that Hillary and/or her willing News Nitwit toadies are, systematically, banning the author of a Comrade Hillary bashing tome - "The Truth About Hillary: What She Knew, When She Knew It and How Far She'll Go to Become President" from the allegedly public airwaves.

'...[Edward] Klein's original schedule had him appearing on several top-rated TV shows. But all of them have cancelled. Among the cancellations: "Extra;" MSNBC's "Hardball with Chris Matthews;" and CNN's Paula Zahn show. Several shows apparently expressed a keen interest in booking Klein until pressure from the Hillary camp stopped them, among them ABC's "Good Morning America," NBC's "Today" show, and CNN's "Aaron Brown." Still more shows were expected to sign on after the book began hitting the bestseller lists. It has done just that, but Klein's publicist's phones are still not ringing...' (News Max)

At press time, a few brave souls, and the usual VRWC suspects, swam against the Hillary coddling tide by interviewing Mr. Klein. Hannity was among the first, along with bellowing boom box asshat Mike Gallagher. Will others risk Comrade Hillary Hell and give her new nemesis some air time? I haven't got a clue, so stay tuned...Same PIG time, Same PIG station...

Kulture Quirks
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/22]

How Low Can They Go?
If you're a reality show refugee who thinks this boob tube genre has already reached rock bottom with Titney's small screen adventures, prepare yourself for a nasty shock. A new show is set to hit the tube and it's called "Being Bobby Brown". That's right, couch potato blues Sparky...He's that Bobby Brown.

This is just what I never knew that I always wanted: a reality show staring Bobby Brown that showcases the train-wreck he calls wedded bliss with Whitney Houston. For those too young to remember, Whitney was once a very popular, gifted, singer. That, of course, was before she careened onto a well traveled, career nuking path called: chronic drug addiction. If there's an ounce of drama here it's this: can the show's producers keep Whitney off the stuff for the whole season?

If you can't wait to get up close and personal with Bobby and his drug-addled bride, your torment is almost over. If you're desperately seeking some way to avoid this newest reality show blight, I've got that covered too. It's coming to a boob tube near you, starting June 30 on the USA channel. The decision to tune in or tune out is all yours, get a life of your own Sparky.

A Martha Stewart Musical?
You read correctly, jaw-dropper Sparky. Some motherless fool is perpetrating a stage musical about the on-going adventures of Martha Stewart. For those who obsess on such trivia, this stage blight is named "Martha! The Unauthorized Musical". The motherless fool perpetrating it is named John Ekizian. And now you really do know, the rest of the story.

Kulture News Nuggets
Source: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [06/20]

More Diva Adventures
When an alleged 'star' with a well earned reputation for diva antics offers to repay you for helping her get started by doing your low budget movie, you're headed for trouble big screen Sparky. Eager to thank Gregory Nava for giving her that breakthrough role in "Selena", J Lo offered to appear in Gregory's cash starved flick, "Boomtown". What could possibly go wrong?

Gregory might need to rename his film "Busted" if he has to shell out for blimp butt's diva demands. The New York Post's Page Six reports that J Lo's demands include a luxury motor home, a private villa, and funding for her $10,000 a day hair wrangler, Oribe. Page Six predicts a memorable J Lo eruption when the film's bean counter tells her that there's no budge for her hair wrangler, or assorted other diva demands. Since it's gonna get real fun when this wench get her oversized caboose in an uproar, PIG will bring you all the nifty details.

All Dressed Up and No Place To Go
According to PIG's talented news sleuths, the venerable Miss America pageant is frantically seeking some damn boob tube fool who is willing to broadcast this country's egregiously Korrect beauty contest. Although pageant officials refuse to face the fact, it's a virtual slam dunk that the show will not go on this coming September, because quite frankly, it's no longer worth watching.

A few bright bulbs are pitching the idea of a Miss America themed reality show, that would play out over a several nights. That might fly, if they can capture the behind the scenes hissing, spitting, clawing and name-calling, up close and personal. Like it or not, the Amerikan boob tube viewing public has demonstrated an insatiable appetite for such things. Will Miss America get "real" or will it simply fade away? I haven't got a clue, but when 'it' happens, we'll post the gory details.

What The Hell Are They Smoking?
Source: PIG Prattle [06/19]

Media Matters for America is, by its own admission, "progressive" and dedicated to monitoring "a cross section of print, broadcast, cable, radio, and Internet media outlets for conservative misinformation -- news or commentary that is not accurate, reliable, or credible and that forwards the conservative agenda" (Media Matters Web Site). If you wonder what that means in flyover country English, I've got your back. When you look through the list of key Media Matters players, you quickly discover that Media Matters is staffed, exclusively, by lefties of the Georgie Soros Red Brigade ilk. With a pedigree like that, you can - and should - expect to see every VRWC media punk and/or punkette vilified, castigated and soundly pummeled on a daily basis. If that's what you expect, you won't be disappointed.

I know what you're thinking, Sparky and you're right. So far nothing I've written is breaking news, but Media Matters does have one inexplicable compulsion. They insist that, contrary to VRWC propaganda, former minion of President Jimmy Carter and flunkey for House Speaker Thomas "Tip" O'Neill, Chris Matthews, is not a liberal and barely earns the right to call himself a Democrat. Maybe I should repeat that, after you have time to let it sink in: Media Matters insists - quite vociferously - that Chris Matthews is not a liberal.

Are these lefty punks delusional? Not really. It's all a matter of perspective and how far left you are when you view the political spectrum. In the alternate reality where Media Matters resides, Rush and Hannity might as well turn in their VRWC membership cards because Chris Matthews makes them look like Commie Pinko scumbags. Of course, it's this same alternate reality that - undoubtedly - would have them calling Vladimir Lenin, Karl Marx, and Chairman Mao conservative toadies, but I digress - yes, again.

Despite what Media Matters says, Mister Hardball is, to any rational adult, a liberal and by his own admission a Democrat. His sin - after you shovel through all the Marxist hyperbole - is his refusal to march in lockstep with the Georgie Soros Red Brigade wing that controls the Donkey Clan. In other words, the reason Media Matters is so down on Matthews is the fact that - in their fevered brains - Matthews isn't liberal enough. The smoking Media Matters gun on Chris "Closet Conservative" Matthews seems to involve the fact that Mister Hardball is guilty of a cardinal sin: occasionally aiding and abetting something those dastardly Elephant Clan hacks said or did, by holding the Donkey Clan's feet to the fire over a given DNC issue or position. A much more telling criticism is Mister Hardball's attitude about Comrade Hillary: "Matthews has repeatedly smeared Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) and questioned her ability to lead." (Media Matters). He criticized Comrade Hillary! How dare he! Off with his head!

PIG's crackpot medical staff thinks that Media Matters needs to get a grip, take their medication, increase the voltage on their shock treatments and those voices in their head will stop giving them these asinine delusions. In closing, PIG apologizes to its loyal PIGsters for the shameful fact that, to date, we have not managed to register on the Media Matters "Enemies of Progressivism" radar. We're so ashamed by this calamitous failure that it can't be quantified.

Following Those Greenbacks
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/17]

When asked by Larry King if Neverland's Fairy Prince might leave the USA, Joe Jackson's loser son, Jermaine, opined that his baby brother might indeed pack up his Jesus juice and live elsewhere. An instant later, this poster punk for losers expressed his desire to join his freakish bro in exile. Of course he's gonna follow the freak. It's the only way this parasite can keep bagging dead presidents from Mikey: Jermaine's only revenue source.

Larry King continues to be the unchallenged champion of the "Well, duh" moment.

On Your Mark, Get Set...
Source: PIG Prattle [06/16]

GO Figure
Oprah just announced to the world that the results of her DNA tests are in and she's - you need to do your own drum roll, Sparky - a Zulu. A Zulu? I always had Oprah pegged as Swedish. Learn something new every day.

GO Away
Jennifer Wilbanks - Georgia's goggled-eyed runaway bride - scored an extension on her 15 minutes of fame by bagging a made for the boob tube movie deal when she signed with "Reganbooks". It's speculated that Judith Regan has the reluctant, bug-eyed bride set up with NBC for a TV flick, plus appearances on NBC's "Dateline" and "Today" shows.

PIG thinks we should pass the hat for a "runaway again, Jennifer" fund. This time, we hope the proper authorities are smart enough not to look for this wandering wench.

GO Taking a Flying Leap
Since he's completely detached from reality, Mark "The Rat" Felt, probably doesn't know - or care - that his greedy asshat relatives just sold "Deep Throat" film rights to Tom Hanks' production company and book rights to a non-fiction publishing house named PublicAffairs. According to the usual news nitwit suspects, the two deals will enrich this rat bastard's trashbag family to the tune of a cool million in dead presidents.

Forcing ourselves to swallow our bile, PIG confers the venerable one-finger salute on Mark "Rat Bastard" Felt, his family, Tom Hanks and PublicAffairs.

Katie's New Keeper
Source: Radar Magazine [06/15]

Leaving nothing to chance, Twerpy Tommy Cruise took meaningful steps to guide his new squeeze - Katie Holmes - along the narrow Scientology path when he assigned a major Scientology player to accompany Katie on her flick-promoting press junkets. Katie's keeper is Jessica Rodriguez and she's heavy duty in Scientology terms with the newly conferred rank of "New Operating Thetan IV". I know what you're thinking, but, thanks to Radar Magazine, I'm all over it:

'...According to sources close to the Church, [New Operating Thetan IV] means [Jessica] joined the elite group of Scientologists who've been enlightened with the six-figure secrets of Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted "thetans," or alien spirits, in earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago, after which they escaped and invaded human bodies. As a "New OT IV," Rodriguez has the power to, "control life, thought, matter, energy, space, and time," according to Scientology's official web site...'

Jessica's primary function as Katie Keeper is to ward off "suppressive persons". In case you don't 'get it', "suppressive persons" is Scientology code for preventing a rational adult from telling Katie to pull her head out of her butt and run as far from these Scientology wingnuts as she can, before it's too late. You can bet the farm that, in the coming weeks Katie's pre-Tommy friends and her family will find it increasingly hard to reach this Twerpy-dazzled thespian.

Many concerned individuals seek ways to save Katie from the fate Twerpy Tommy has scripted for her, but I'm not one of them. According to her birth certificate, Katie is an adult and thus entitled to majorly trash her life in any way she sees fit. In other words, she volunteered to spend time in this Scientology hell, so I have no problem whatsoever letting the deluded wench burn in it.

You Had To See This One Coming
Source: PIG Prattle [06/15]

The good news from TV land is that the Fairy Prince of Neverland's loser family might be headed for a payday. The bad news from TV land is that, still unable to earn one damn cent on their own, Joe Jackson's loser leeches are, once again, trying to squeeze a few bucks from the family's only meal ticket: Neverland's Fairy Prince. According to a Hollywood Reporter item, Joe Jackson's parasite horde is shopping around a reality show based on - insert your favorite trumpet fanfare here - their trials and tribulations during the Santa Maria Circus. If that doesn't make you contemplate suicide, nothing will.

PIG continues to ask the burning question: What the hell will it take to make Joe Jackson and his parasite horde - every damn one of them, including Neverland's Fairy Prince - go the hell away, forever? PIG fervently pleads for somebody to exile these loser leeches from the Solar System, but, we'll settle for persuading them to renounce their Amerikan citizenship and leave the "land of the free" for-goddamn-ever.

A Joe Jackson parasite clan reality show? Somebody drive a stake through its heart, right damn now, before the PIG staff goes postal.

Update:
At press time the usual boob tube suspects were giving this Jackson family reality show a very chilly reception. You know you're a born loser when the Fox Network turns you down. I feel your pain, Joe, now shut the hell up and sit your butt down. Don't make me come over there.

"Hawaii Five-O", The Movie
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/10]

The fun fact that "Hawaii Five-O" reruns are on a Hell-A area channel that is one short step from oblivion should tell any unwary movie producer all that he really needs to know about the prospects for a "Hawaii Five-O" movie. Obviously, some people can't take a hint, because some motherless, film-making fool decided to perpetrate a "Hawaii Five-O" flick. Making this big screen snooze fest a slam dunk for turbo stinker is the breaking news that Ben "I can bury any movie 15 seconds after it opens" Affleck will play Steve McGarrett. One wag on a gossip newgroup opined that Ben was picked because his wooden acting matched Jack Lord's wooden acting in every possible way. That sounds too true to PIG's kulture vultures.

A Stellar Boom Box Stunt
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/10]

A Hoosier boom box station reset the radio stunt bar into nose bleed territory when it parked seven moving vans next to the RCA Dome where the Indianapolis Colts play their home games. The stunt is a slam dunk winner because it evokes the way the Colts left Baltimore in the dead of night, without warning. Needless to say, the phones were ringing off the hook throughout Indianapolis, until the inspired pranksters at 93.1 FM admitted that it was just a not so subtle reminder about what could happen if the city doesn't pull the trigger on a hotly debated stadium deal.

Admittedly, this pagan scribbler is an unflinching opponent of these public funded sports stadium boondoggles, and this stunt doesn't change that. On the other hand, PIG News must confer heartfelt kudos on the people at the boom box station who staged such an inspired stunt.

A Nautical Daily Double
Source: Pagan Scribbler Kulture Wire [06/08]

A Ship That Already Sailed
Twenty years after her breakthrough role in "Sixteen Candles", Molly Ringwald has finally agreed to star in a "Sixteen Candles" sequel. Obviously nobody bothered to tell the film producers that time only stands still on the silver screen. One TV Guide wag said it all when he suggested that 37 year old Ringwald's "Sixteen Candles" sequel should be named "Four Alarm Fire".

PIG likes Molly for reasons we don't fully understand, so we'll lay off the obvious - and much too easy - slams, until we get more details. For now we remain puzzled - very puzzled - and thisclose to pinning a 'the U.S. S. Sequel sailed decades ago, Sparky' tag on a notion that appears to reset the "day late and a dollar short" bar, much, much higher.

A Ship That Won't Sail
Bill "A Legend In His Own Mind" O'Reilly's week long Caribbean cruise - "The Battle for American Values" - got torpedoed before it even weighed anchor, due to lack of interest. If we ever stop laughing, PIG will pin a hero badge on an unexpectedly perceptive Amerikan public that refused to part with $1,099 to $1,629 - before taxes - for a week in the Bill's august presence, plus an entree to two private O'Reilly appearances. Imagine - if you dare - your horror if you found yourself trapped on a ship with this egomaniac, miles from the nearest landmass. Tell me that doesn't freeze the blood in your veins, Sparky.

PIG dares to wonder if Mister No Spin Zone will tell his audience that he couldn't find 800 mental midgets who would pay for the dubious 'honor' of spending a week trapped on a cruise with him. It's safe to assume that tidbit won't make the No Spin Zone cut. That's why PIG is here to shout the thrilling news from the rooftops. Call us names if you must because we live for news nuggets as juicy as this.

Kulture News Nuggets
Source: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [06/06]

Disney Spoilsports
The spoilsports at Disney ordered their technical twerps to nuke the two primary reasons any red-blooded dude wants to see their forthcoming flick - "Herbie: Fully Loaded" - when they decreed that teenage temptress Lindsay Lohan's sweater puppies be digitally reduced. WENN reports that certain parents attending test screenings whined that Lindsay's character was "too raunchy for a children's film", so Disney ordered it's technicians to reduce Lindsay's sweater busting talent by two cup sizes. The same Disney dweebs ordered that the "revealing necklines" that gave horndogs brief glimpses of 'heaven' be rendered family friendly.

PIG is shocked, shocked, I tell you that Disney would stoop to desecrating Lindsay's cultural treasures.

A Stinking Sinking
According to persistent and utterly inexplicable news reports, some film wrangling fool named Wolfgang Petersen is pouring big bucks into a remake of "The Poseidon Adventure". The cast will include Kurt Russell and Richard Dreyfuss, not that it really matters. PIG's crackpot cinematic sleuths are smelling a big budget turkey that features non-stop effects in search of a reason to exist.

Compelling Attractions
From our 'say that again, slowly' file, we present another reason to see Angelina Jolie's new flick: 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith'. According to our top secret sources, the booty-licious Angelina was "red faced" when she performed a certain stunt for the movie. Dressed in what's described as 'a Dominatrix Outfit', she realized, too late, that she'd neglected to wear any undies beneath the body hugging leather outfit. If you need a moment or two to let your heavy breathing subside, PIG News feels your pain, horndog Sparky

Label this tidbit "compelling attractions" in your full to bursting Angelina file.

Tommy Cruise Gets A Verbal Smackdown
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/03]

Brooke Shields hit Tommy Cruise where it hurts after Scientologist Tommy chided Brooke, publicly, for using Paxil to cope with her baby blues-induced depression. WENN served up these juicy tidbits:

'...[Brooke] continued her war of words against Cruise following his "dangerous" comments, by offering him a child ticket so he can take[his squeeze, Katie] Holmes to see her in hit London musical Chicago. She says, "If he wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets - one adult, one child." The actress recently took a swipe at Cruise's religious beliefs, by saying she wouldn't take advice from someone who devotes his life to aliens...' (WENN, emphasis added)

PIG News confers kudos on Brooke for laying a stellar smackdown on Twerpy Tommy Cruise.

Rambo Goes Korrectnik
Source: Pig Prattle [06/01]

Sly Stallone plans to squeeze another payday out of his Rambo character and this time around the plot reaches new, terminally Korrectnik lows. Perpetrated by the lunatic leftists at Miramax, 'Rambo IV' will pit an allegedly domesticated Rambo against Amerika's foremost 21st Century enemy: Amerikan white supremacists. That's right white supremacists. Apparently neither Sly nor the asshats at Miramax heard about a fun guy named Osama, or a paranoid North Korean dwarf named Kim Jong-il.

The good news is that Sly has something to distract him from the Edgar Allen Poe biopic he's threatening to write and direct. The bad news is that 'Rambo IV' with it's lefty-inspired white supremacist villains already reeks and it hasn't even been written yet.

The Snoop Dog Stomping Caper
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/01]

A Northwest nitwit named Richard Moore got a lot more than he expected when he attended a Snoop Dog concert at Seattle's White River Amphitheater. For reasons that the Kings County Sheriff's Department are investigating, our hero climbed up on the stage with the Snoopster and that's when his life went from mundane to big time fun.

An amateur video of the ensuing events shows Richard approaching the Snoopster from behind then putting his arm around the Snoopster's shoulders. At that point, several members of Snoop Dog's posse tackled our hero and "subdued" him, a euphemism for beating the snot out of Richard, leaving him with bruised ribs, a broken nose and split lip. Richard claims that his 'attackers' tore out his diamond earrings, lifted his wallet, watch and cell phone, then kicked his dog. Okay...OKAY! We made up the part about his dog, but the rest is under investigation by the Kings County authorities.

Did Richard deserve to get stomped for climbing up on the stage and getting too close to the Snoopster? We're reserving judgement on that one. Did Richard deserve to get stomped for attending a Snoop Dog concert in the first place? You better damn believe it, tone deaf Sparky.

MAY 2005

Mixed Feelings
Source: Left Coast Report [05/31]

There's a hot, reality show rumor that ageless horndog, Hugh Hefner, is poised to dip his pajama clad toe into the reality show waters with a new reality show shot in his Hell-A Playboy Mansion. The good news is that Hef's pad is full to bursting with nubile hotties. The bad news is that you'll need to watch them playing kissy face, and assorted other things, with a 79-year-old horndog who mainlines Viagra.

A Man Of Many 'Talents'
Source: Reuters [05/29]

Best known for making historically-challenged, Amerika bashing films - "JFK", "Nixon", "Born on the Fourth of July" - and cinematic turbo-stinkers like "Alexander", film punk Oliver Stone made headlines this week, by blundering into a police checkpoint potted to the gills. In addition to being differently-sober, Stone also got nailed for drug possession. Big, big fun.

Fun fact: this isn't the first time a stoned Stone got nailed for driving while intoxicated. In 1999 he played rehab bingo after some Southern Mexifornia cops busted him for DUI. Based on his track record, Stone is much better at being a drunk driver than he is at film making. Dirty Harry said it all with these immortal lines: "A man's gotta know his limitations." Truer words, loyal readers, truer words.

Sanity Prevails
Source: PIG Prattle [05/26]

The News Nitwits report that the Mikey Jackson jury dodged a major bullet today when the judge presiding over the Santa Maria Circus ruled that the prosecution can't pass out pictures of Mikey's nads in the courtroom. Normally, PIG stands up and salutes anything that might ruin Mikey's day, but even we have our limits. Scoping out Mikey's nads is number one with a bullet on our off limits list.

This pagan scribbler can't speak for the Jackson jury, but the last damn thing I want or need is an 8 X 10 glossy of this the bleached-skin, noseless twerp's wang shoved under my nose. Thanks but no thanks prosecutor punk.

Kudos to the judge for doing his bit to keep Mexifornia beautiful.

Rescuing Journalism
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [05/26]

"We are all extremely disturbed by what we see going on. The public air waves are owned by the public, and we all feel they're being abused and not being used for the public interest." (Berkeley journalism Dean Orville Schell)

The Marxists infesting U.C. Berkeley's graduate journalism school are shocked, shocked, I tell you over the state of journalism in Amerika. They're so distressed over the pathetic condition of the mainstream media that they're enlisting help from such legendary Ivory Towers as Columbia, Harvard, Northwestern and the University of Southern California.

Funded by the deep pockets at the Carnegie Corporation and the Knight Foundation, this scheme to brainwash aspiring journalists is called the "Carnegie-Knight Initiative for the Future of Journalism Education".

'...Berkeley will run a "news incubator" program under the Carnegie-Knight initiative that will hire broadcast journalism students to experiment with new approaches for TV, radio and the Internet...'

'...Harvard's Joan Shorenstein Center for Press, Politics and Public Policy will run a separate research program on how journalism schools and university leaders can have a voice in major issues confronting the news media, including corporate consolidation, ethics, market pressures on profits and regulation...'

'...A third component of the Carnegie-Knight initiative will "team up journalists with scientists, legal experts, philosophers, policy specialists, literature experts and business people to teach collaborative courses and expand what most journalism schools consider legitimate curriculum."...' (Chronicle)

The unspoken message here is that, Beserkeley eggheads and their Ivory Tower cohorts want to replace the mainstream media's garden variety liberalism with a the strident Marxism that infests Beserkeley, Columbia, Harvard, et al. Due to the news consumer's increasing reliance on the Internet and such egregiously illiberal broadcast sources as Fox News, the Ivory Tower eggheads in all those journalism departments are increasingly frustrated over their inability to infuse your preferred news sources with their beloved cultural Marxism.

PIG News predicts that this program is the eggheads' opening salvo in a battle to obliterate all vestiges of objective news reporting from Amerikan journalism. Make no mistake, they intend to brainwash you, by any means necessary, or die trying. The unfiltered news source genie is out of the bottle, Ivory Tower egghead asshats. No matter how hard you try, you'll never succeed in stuffing him back inside. Ain't reality a bitch? You better believe it, Marxist egghead Sparky.

Mickey Jackson's Moving Experience
Source: Fox News [05/24]

Fox New's 911 reports that, if Mikey eludes justice with a "not guilty" verdict in the Santa Maria Circus, he's planning to pick up his toys and move his under the bedcovers kiddie cuddling antics to Europe or Africa. As notions go, this one seems like one of Mikey's ultra rare good ones. Don't let the door slap you on the butt, Mikey.

PIG News found the following Fox 911 prose especially amusing:

'...Jackson will have to be educated about the realities of the record business circa 2005. He currently has no recording contract. His insiders agree with my thesis that he still thinks someone, somewhere will offer him "the biggest contract in history." Those days are over, I'm afraid. If Jackson wises up, he'll start his own record label and get independent distribution...'

If, as seems likely, Mikey eludes justice...again, sending him to the Surrender Monkeys or Africa seems like the best damn idea we've heard in a long, long time. Now, if we could just get him to take his flaky family with him, life would be damn near perfect.

Ruckus at The Corporation for Public Broadcasting
Source: Seattle Times [05/23]

According to a pair of whining Donkey Clan congress-dweebs, Rep. John Dingell, and Rep. David Obey, President Bush turned a partisan conservative fox loose in the (allegedly) apolitical public broadcasting henhouse when he made Kenneth Tomlinson Chairman of PBS's parent company, the non-profit Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB). These Donkey Clan hacks are so distressed over Tomlinson's antics that they penned a plaintive wail for help to the CPB's Inspector General, Kenneth Konz, demanding that he take a close look at Chairman Tomlinson's blatantly partisan antics.

Setting aside the time-worn whoppers about PBS being free from any political ideology, PIG News will cite Chairman Tomlinson's alleged 'sins' against public broadcasting:

'...without the knowledge of his board, Tomlinson contracted an outside consultant last year to monitor the "political content" of Bill Moyers' "Now" for "anti-Bush," "anti-business" and "anti-Tom DeLay" "biases."...'

'...Tomlinson told members of the Association of Public Television Stations meeting in Baltimore with CPB and PBS officials last November that they should make sure their programming better reflects the Republican mandate...'

'...Tomlinson was involved in securing $5 million in corporate funding for "The Journal Editorial Report," headlined by the editor of The Wall Street Journal's editorial page, and pressed PBS into distributing it...' (Seattle Times)

The Donkey Clan whiners finish their complaint by citing the one 'sin' that PIG deems punishable by summary execution: Tomlinson is purported to be the driving force behind the funding for a new PBS blight that stars the limpest piece of conservative commentary crap in the known universe, Tucker Carlson. PIG is willing to set aside the incontrovertible fact that CPB and it's PBS lackeys should be cut loose from Nanny State control and allowed to succeed or fail in the marketplace. PIG is equally willing to overlooking Tomlinson's heavy handed Elephant Clan promotion at CPB. But, PIG refuses to forgive or forget his role in inflicting a pathetic peabrain like Tucker Carlson on the unsuspecting Amerikan public. For that unpardonable sin we demand Tomlinson's head on the proverbial platter. This is not a drill.

Just Shoot Me
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [05/19]

Some alleged bright bulbs seem poised to do for Broadway, what Titney Spears' reality show blight is doing for the boob tube: stink up the place. The three clowns responsible for the newest Broadway atrocity are 'producers Barry and Fran Weissler and Mark Burnett'. Yes that Mark Burnett, the man who started the reality show deluge with his "Survivor" show. And what, you ask, are these three poised to perpetrate? A musical based on The Donald's reality show, 'The Apprentice'.

'The Apprentice' on Broadway? I'm betting that this reeking Big Apple gem will peg the stink-o-meter in our Top Secret Southern Mexifornia bunker.

Titney's Boob Tube Blight
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [05/19]

The following quotes are lifted from a newsgroup posting by a hapless victim of Titney's reality show blight "Chaotic":

"...it made the Anna Nicole show look like Shakespeare in the Park. It was a collection of bad home movies, including a bunch of stuff shot with a night lens (so it's all green and glowing which added to the horror). I hate to use the word, but the girl is completely retarded."

"It was worse than a train wreck...picture a jumbo jet exploding and landing on her face. Ungodly awful. UPN should be shut down for airing that horrible thing."

"I really need to vomit, then throw myself off a bridge. This was emotionally damaging." (All these quotes are from a newsgroup posting by Pookie)

Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Excuse Of The Decade
Source: Sacramento Bee [05/13]

When, after a 10 mile chase, the Georgia State police stopped actor Chris Tucker - Jackie Chan's co-star in "Rush Hour" - for doing 109 mph on Interstate 20, last month, the actor explained his antics with prose that belongs in the Excuse Hall of Fame. According to Chris, he didn't hear those police sirens blaring because he was on his way to church. Bold new concept.

Despite the fact that he's famous, and used a supernaturalism-based excuse in solidly red state Georgia, Chris racked up a hefty $6,999 fine for his lead-footed antics. Normally, I'd advise the dweeb to leave earlier, but in this case, that might not be sufficient, because he was leaving his abode in Atlanta to attend church 200 miles away in Columbia, South Carolina. Why? I haven't got a clue, Sparky. I guess you just had to be there.

J Lo's Diva Moment
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [05/12]

Everyone was thrilled with the documentary about a certain blimp-butted Diva. Her record label Sony gave it two, heartfelt thumbs up. Her own managers gushed that it captured their Diva perfectly. The only dissenting voice came from the Diva herself, because she objected - strenuously - to a scene in the documentary that showed her yelling at the crew that was helping her perpetrate her "Rebirth" album.

It sounds like the documentary captured the real J Lo and she didn't like having her Diva antics recorded for posterity. Go figure.

NY Post Registration Scheme Scuttled
Source: NY Daily News [05/04]

The New York Post's Draconian online registration scheme died an untimely demise today, when the paper's designated rational adult nuked the intrusive scheme after two day sojourn in the bad publicity meat grinder. Demanding chapter and verse from aspiring Post readers - including name, address, age, home phone number and income level - the Post's asinine registration scheme set off a powerful, 'kiss my ass' backlash, inside and outside the fishwrap.

The Daily News' Lloyd Grove serves up the following prose about this NY Post debacle:

'..."New York Post registration fiasco," pronounced the influential Romenesko media-biz Web site. "A right royal cockup," declared a blogger on memefirst.com. Gawker.com's Jessica Coen complained: "It's funny how you spend your whole damn day trying to register for the Post's online edition - after all, you don't put this much effort into far more significant activities, like toilet training your cat. Nevertheless, the Post is your kitty litter of choice ..." Cybergossip Matt Drudge - whose drudgereport.com is perhaps the single biggest driver of Internet traffic to news sites - had even considered delinking Post features...' (NY Daily News)

Lloyd Grove gloats that calls to Post executives Lachlan Murdock and Col Allan were never returned then chortles that Post PR punk, Howard Rubenstein, responded, belatedly, with a terse, "No comment.". If, as it now appears, this was a clever Post plot to drive down readership on its Internet site, the scheme worked like gang busters. No doubt, it seemed like a nifty idea at the time, but don't ask this pagan scribbler to answer the burning question: Why?

They'll Never Fit It Through The Door
Source: AFP [05/03]

Her singing is lame enough that she couldn't win the Armpit, Idaho 'American Idol' tryouts. Her acting gave us a series of fetid stinkers whose stench is so potent, it makes an open cess pool seem like Surrender Monkey perfume. But, despite this record-shattering lack of anything remotely resembling talent, fat-assed diva, J. Lo thinks she's got the right stuff to be Amerika's first female president.

'..."I'm a total powerhouse. If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president -- that would be really cool," J.Lo told German celebrity glossy Bravo in an issue to be published Wednesday...' (AFP)

Don't quit your day job - whatever the hell that is - butt-breath. Amerikans can do amazing things, but all of Uncle Sam's horses and all of his men can't shoe horn your no-talent hippo ass through the Oval Office door. That sound you hear emanating from PIG's top secret bunker is the PIG staff laughing like mental patients and make no mistake, hippo hips, we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you.

APRIL 2005

Kulture News Briefs
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [04/29]

Tom Cruise
When the News Nitwits started blithering about Tom Cruise's new significant, female, other, I found the news oddly intriguing. This upsurge in pagan interest had little to do with Tommy, a thespian whose fame continues to perplex me. It had much more to do with his most recent playmate, a wench so hot that 'moving up' from there seemed nearly impossible, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I 'got it' when Tommy boy dropped Spanish spitfire Penelope Cruz and landed in the smoldering, uh, lap, of a South American hyper hottie named Sofia Vergara, because, by any rational standard, that's trading 'up', big damn time. Even the casual observer could see that, Sex Goddess Sofia is way too much woman for little Tommy and, apparently, Tommy boy agreed. How else can you explain the incomprehensible fact that he just ditched Smoking Sofia - a woman whose potent sexuality is legendary - and moved down the babe-o-licious food chain...way down, to a Dawnson's Creek wench...some girl next door cuteness named Katie Holmes. Apparently, this avowed virgin, Katie "I'm saving it until I'm married" Holmes, is just Torpid Tommy's speed.

Those horndogs who crave a peek at Smokin Sofia - and we both know who you are - will find a useful link on PIG's Girlie Man of the Week page. After you take in all that hotness, I defy you to explain why any red-blooded dude would give that up for Katie Holmes.

Penelope Cruz
Tommy's former galpal, Penelope Cruz is in a lather, but it has nothing to do with Tommy boy or his antics. Her angst stems from a movie publicizing photo shoot with her friend - and co-star - Salma Hayek. A tad under the weather, and eager to get the photo shoot done, Penelope, inadvertently, grabbed Salma's superb caboose, a move that she soon regretted. The picture of that magic moment hit every fishwrap in South America and set tongues wagging about a lesbian relationship between the two actresses.

Still close friends - and nothing more - with sultry Salma, Penelope is up to here with all the "dyke" drivel that keeps cropping up. I feel your pain, Penelope, but let's get real for a moment. Man or woman...straight or gay...who could get that close to Salma's bodacious butt and resist the impulse to grab a fistful? You're only human, darlin and we understand. We really understand.

Not Your Mommy's Hole-In-One
Source: News Max [04/28]

An LPGA golf wench named Jackie Gallagher-Smith has the whole golf world in a tizzy, thanks to her sordid exploits with her former caddy, Gary Robinson. The fun started when 36 year old Jackie heard her biological ticking, panicked and decided that she needed to do something drastic, in order to fulfill her mommyhood aspirations. With hubby Eddie Smith unable to 'get 'er done', Jackie decided to bring in a sperm-packing pinch hitter. Sizing up her 26 year old caddy, Gary, she decided he'd do nicely, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Our aspiring mommy got things rolling while her hubby was 'out of town' by inviting her chosen stallion to come stay at her Palm Beach County domicile. Using golf videos - we all know how erotic they are - to distract Gary, Jackie got increasingly physical with him, until she culminated her initial approach by sitting on his lap and kissing him. During the ensuing weeks, she took things to the next level and lured a willing Gary into "a sexual relationship" that involved "daily sexual activity". Satisfied that Gary was ready, Jackie finally made her grab for that elusive, mommyhood brass ring:

'..."On or about June 27, 2004 . . . Gallagher-Smith, with the intent of conceiving a child, intentionally induced Robinson to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse and encouraged that he take no preventive measures." Gallagher-Smith told Robinson she was pregnant in mid-July and said she believed he was the father of the child, according to the lawsuit...' (News Max)

Belatedly, Gary got the big picture and decided that he's been treated so shabbily that he needed to sue the heartless wench. Whining about being treated like sperm doner and whimpering about "pain and suffering due to Gallagher-Smith's refusal to allow him access" to the child he sired, Gary went full blown shyster bonkers. When that thrilling news got out, it set all those sports-a-holic tongues wagging, big damn time.

Call me names if you must, but I don't see the problem. Gary got all the "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" action a dude could want and she got the baby she wanted. He should thank his chosen deity that Jackie isn't nailing him for child support. Given her lofty standard of living and his meager salary, that could get very pricy. Cut the crap, dude and stop your whining.

Another Jaw-Dropping Headline
Source: AP [04/16]

AP spewed a headline that reset the bar for jaw-dropping, allegedly-journalistic stupidity. In a desperate ploy to land that coveted number one slot on PIG's groundbreaking "Well, Duh" top ten, some AP scribbler perpetrated the following, stop-the-presses headline:

"Detroit TV station shooting victim hurt"

Shooting victim hurt? No shit, Sherlock. "Hurt" is one of the milder consequences of getting shot. Shooting victim hurt! Who the hell writes this claptrap? There are times, this being a prime example, when "Well, Duh" is grossly inadequate.

NFL Killjoys Nuke "Ron Mexico"
Source: MSNBC [04/14]

The new hotness at the NFL's online store just got banned because it's not the kind of thing the league wants to promote. The 'it' involves an Atlanta Falcon replica jersey featuring a number '7' and the name "Ron Mexico". I know what you're thinking, Sparky and you're right on both counts:

"Ron Mexico" doesn't play for any NFL team, including the Atlanta Falcons.

Atlanta's Number 7 is named Michael Vick, not Ron Mexico.

Both points are true, more or less, but therein lies a tale. According to a civil lawsuit filed just last month, Michael Vick infected a wench with herpes. The plaintiff further contends that Mr. Vick used the name "Ron Mexico" when he sought medical treatment for his nasty nads malady. When this tasty tidbit hit the new cycle, certain cutting edge NFL fans ordered the aforementioned number 7 Atlanta Falcon replica jersey bearing the name "Mexico". They got thisclose to bagging their sports wear, when the NFL stepped in and added "Ron Mexico" to the list of words banned on all their authorized gear.

Fear not, "Ron Mexico" fans, all isn't lost. At press time, certain Amerikan capitalists were doing a brisk business selling "Ron Mexico" t-shirts.

You probably won't die of shock when you hear that Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick refuses to comment on the lawsuit or his infamous alias.

Korrectness Hits The Golf Links
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [04/11]

The United States Golf Association thrilled puritans spitless on March 21st when officials announced their new Korrectnik player policy. Under this new rule, transsexuals can compete as their newly chosen gender under certain conditions, two years after their nads-nipping medical procedure. Big, big fun, and, as expected, the usual "hating homos for the Lord" suspects are spreading joy all over the damn place:

"The USGA has now surrendered to the decadence and political correctness that is sweeping over Europe. One would have thought that the USGA would have had more backbone. The women's golf tour should be about women, not castrated males..the blurring of the sexes is a direct insult to God and athletes who expect to compete with their own [gender]." (Robert Knight, homophobe, emeritus for Concerned Women of America's Culture and Family Institute as quoted by Agape Press)

If, as Robert Knight opines, Old Ka-Boom is a big time women's golf fan, it's news to this pagan. Tragically delusional, Mr. Knight needs to chill out, take meaningful steps to resolve his substance abuse problems then attempt to take in the big, women's golf tour picture. Since he's unwilling, or unable, to go that extra mile, I'll do it for him.

Refusing to attract viewers via the never fails "booty factor", the USGA is trying something new with this innovative, but unnecessary, gender bending sideshow. This PIG scribbler thinks the USGA can garner all the attention they could handle, in a New York minute, if they talked sports hottie Anna Kournikova into trading her tennis gear for some golf clubs. Even a homo-hating dweeb like Robert Knight has to greet a golf tour staring Anna Kournikova with a rousing "hallelujah".

Must See TV
Source: Pagan Scribbler Kulture Wire [04/11]

PIG is thrilled to report that Pam Anderson and her rambunctious sweater puppies return to the small screen this week. For certain obvious reasons, plus the frivolous fact that Pam plays a bookseller, this new show is titled "Stacked". With a title like that it shouldn't shock you senseless to learn that it's on Fox Television at 8:30pm on Wednesday night.

Proving how detached from reality certain fishwraps are, a New York Times review worried that viewers might not believe Pam as a bookstore employee who could sell serious literature to intellectually inclined readers. With Pam's assorted charms, she could sell refrigerators to Eskimos. Trust me when I tell you that believability isn't a problem here, Times twerp Sparky.

As usual this new show elicits a couple PIGish observations.

Observation 1: Somebody needs to FedEx some smelling salts to Brent Bozell, because the instant he hears that Pam Anderson stars in a kiddie hour show called "Stacked", he'll be out like a light.

Observation 2: Pam Anderson's sweater puppies are the two best reasons we know to explain why we still call this entertainment technology 'the boob tube'.

Welcome back Pam. We missed them...uh...you.

GM Dumps It's Hell-A Times Advertising
Source: Editor and Publisher [04/08]

Citing the L.A. Times unfavorable prose in a series of recent articles, General Motors announced that it will pull all its advertising from Hell-A's terminally lefty fishwrap. Depending on whose calculations you believe this will cost the Times at least ten million dollars, but other estimates double that amount. According to research performed by Prudential, GM's 2004 advertising budget dumped a hefty $21,000,000 into the Hell-A fishwrap's coffers.

The L.A. Times and its Tribune parent company have very deep pockets, but it's a slam dunk that losing their biggest advertiser will inflict a telling wound on this irredeemably lefty fishwrap. Call us names if you must, because, PIG refuses to apologize for enjoying this fetid fishwrap's fiscal angst.

GLAAD BAAG Cable Channel
Source: Hollywood Reporter [04/05]

It's named "Here!" and it's destined to make landfall in 40 million homes from sea to shining sea. Oh, did I mention that "Here!" is a new premium cable channel that is aimed at Amerika's GLAAD BAAG couch spuds? It must have slipped my mind. Feeling your pain, PIG offers these tantalizing tidbits from the new cable outlet's schedule:

'..."Triple Threat," a series from writer Shawn Postoff ("Queer as Folk") that revolves around three young men who start a theater company in New York and are entwined in a relationship.

"Ice Blues: A Donald Strachey Mystery," a sequel to "Third Man Out: A Donald Strachey Mystery," starring Chad Allen ("Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman") as a gay detective in upstate New York.

"Ryan's Life," an original series about a gay teenager coming out and his experiences in dating...' (Hollywood Reporter)

I can hear those wheels turning Sparky and I've got it covered. "Here!" is available on Cox Cable's On Demand digital cable scheme for a paltry $6.95 a month. Be there, or be square.

Kulture News Briefs
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [04/05]

Cancel That Alert, Brent
CBS, belatedly, announced that it will not perpetrate a Terri Shiavo movie this May. You can call off the dogs now, Bozell.

Don't Get Your Hormones In An Uproar, Sparky
Jessica Alba plays a stripper in the just released 'Sin City' . I know what you're thinking horndog Sparky, and I have disappointing news for you. Hyper hottie Jessica didn't let it all hang out, so, if you expect to see all those hidden Jessica treasures when you go see 'Sin City', learn to live with your disappointment.

Titney's Reality Show
Tearing a page from another poptart's playbook, Titney Spears plots to boost her alleged singing career - a la Jessica Simpson - with a reality show that shows her life with her rent-a-hubby, Billy-Bob-Jim-Joe...I mean Kevin Federline. Unlike her rival Jessica, Titney won't be allowing camera punks to document her daily life with her hired hand. Instead the not so real Titney show will feature what this pagan scribbler calls "home movies from hell":

'...UPN will air the show on Spears' courtship, engagement and wedding to [Kevin] Federline. Mostly it's video that Spears and Federline shot themselves. It shows them dating, falling in love and getting married...'(Internet Broadcasting Systems)

If Titney is so flippin happy with this punk, why does she keep trying so hard to convince the world that he's not what he appears to be: a womanizing gigolo who took one look at Titney's bank account and fell head over heals in love with Titney's boodle? Am I the only one who's predicting that, when this desperate attempt to reanimate Titney's career fails, she'll be begging Hef to feature her sili-cones in a "Titney Gets Naked" Playboy spread? I doubt it.

You're on your own, this time out, devoted readers, because, this pagan scribbler doesn't give a rat's ass about this past her prime poptart or the punk she pays to bed her.

Desperate Housewives Cat Fight
According to PIG's top secret sources, ABC executives have their hands full trying to keep their 'Desperate Housewives' hotties from clawing each others eyes out. The hot-tempered 'Housewives' made a recent Vanity Fair photo shoot especially thrilling for all concerned.

'..."Whatever you do," the ABC rep, who wasn't identified by name, said when he arrived on the set, "do not let Teri go to wardrobe first." Despite the rep's plea, Hatcher was the first "housewife" to visit wardrobe, and she had consulted with the stylist days in advance. At one point, the rep proclaimed: "This is a problem. I'm getting text messages from Eva (Longoria). Everything is not fine."

The struggles continued once the photographer started snapping. Redhead Marcia Cross turned red-hot when she saw Hatcher standing next to her in the center of the shot, according to the article. Cross grabbed her bathrobe and stormed off, spewing expletives at the ABC rep...' (AP)

Whatever they're paying the unnamed ABC rep, it's not enough. If he didn't have a 'substance abuse' problem before he started playing referee to these wrangling wenches, he's damn sure got one now. PIG feels your pain dude, but we're not sorry enough to trade places with you.

MARCH 2005

PETA Takes On J Lo
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [03/29]

When I saw the teaser headline about PETA in a fight with J Lo over the wench's egregious animal abuse, I envisioned a tragic water buffalo stampede caused by prolonged exposure to the fat-assed diva's thespian antics in 'Gigli'. The truth, isn't quite that interesting, but it's worth mentioning. PETA went postal because the wench with the oversized caboose used animal fur in her new "Sweetface" clothing line. When J Lo refused to listen to reason, PETA decided to spread the joyous news via a $5,000 advertising spread in 'Billboard'.

'...[PETA's ad] features a gruesome photo of a skinned animal beside an open letter to Lopez, attacking her for glamorizing fur in her new Sweetface clothing line and encouraging the "sadistic slaughter" of rabbits, minks, foxes and chinchillas...' (Chronicle)

On Monday, when the magazine told PETA that they were canceling the ad, PETA smelled a fat-assed diva rat, and they might be right. Those in the know, opine that J Lo's record label - Sony Corp's Epic Records - applied the necessary, deep-pocketed, pressure to get PETA's tasteful ad dumped into the crapper. Welcome to the real world, PETA punks.

Kulture News Quickies
Source: Pagan Scribbler Kulture Wire [03/24]

J. Lo
A certain fat-assed diva isn't setting the record sales charts on fire with her new collection of alleged music, "Rebirth". In the three weeks since its release, "Rebirth" only sold a paltry 400,000 copies, most of them during the first week. This week, sales totaled a pathetic 40,000 copies. Are J. Lo's 15 minutes up? It's starting to look that way, but don't start icing the bubbly, yet.

Celine
Canadian diva, Celine Dion isn't as thrilled with her exclusive Caesar's Palace engagement as she was when she signed the 200 show deal. Why? For starters, she gets more than a tad annoyed to see members of the audience sleeping through her performance.

"People come here for four days, they eat too much, drink too many free drinks, they get sick from all that, they are jet-lagged sometimes so they just sit in the seat and sleep." (Celine Dion)

Anyone who can sleep through Celine's over the top screeching must be very damn drunk or a narcoleptic. Whatever the case, I'm sure that those doomed to stay awake during her performance envy these sound sleepers.

Kulture News Roundup
Source: Pagan Scribbler Kulture Wire [03/21]

Culture War Sneak Attack
Unless you're ingesting your boob tube fare via a stadium-size screen, you probably missed the sight gag that 'Saturday Night Live' perpetrated during their March 12th show. 'It' appeared on host David Spade's face, while he was made up to look like Owen Wilson. The 'it' in question was...a fake nose that was shaped to look like a certain, south of the waistline male appendage:

'...[David Spade's fake] nose looked like a penis. Not 'kind of like a penis'; it looked like a urologically-correct appendage, right down to what we believe is called the dorsal vein...' (Broadcast & Cable)

According to Broadcast & Cable, as of March 21 - 9 days after the deed - the FCC hadn't received a single complaint. Has Bozell fallen asleep on the job? We're shocked, shocked, I tell you.

Mariah's Diva Moment
When way past her prime pop diva, Mariah Carey, arrived at London's Bagolioni hotel in the wee hours of the morning, she went postal because the hotel didn't stage the gala, pop diva, reception she 'deserved'. The staff had to know her demands, by now, but just in case, she reminded them:

'...[While Mariah's toady] explained to hotel staff that Carey's arrival is always heralded by a red carpet lined with white candles, the pop beauty -- who is in London promoting her new album, The Emancipation of Mimi -- circled the block with her entourage while the requirements were hurriedly put in place...' (San Francisco Chronicle)

For those who wonder why the Bagolioni Hotel staff played Mariah's diva games, the answer is simple: 15, $3,800 per night, hotel rooms that were booked for 3 nights. That's a cool $171,000 headed for those Bagolioni coffers. At those prices, I'm guessing that nobody will mistake the Balolioni for a Motel 6, but I'm willing to bet that the Brits did "leave a light on for her".

Salty Sports Prose
Source: New York Post [03/19]

Golfer Fred Couples thrilled broadcast decency dipsticks spitless, when he dropped an "F-Bomb" over a live microphone during a live golf tournament broadcast on NBC. The purple prose that made Brent Bozell's day hit the 'public' airwaves after Fred took 'a lift-and-clean drop from the cart path' (Post). As luck would have it, Fred's drop landed the ball in a "nasty hole". The ensuing titters from the gallery prodded Fred into serving up his soon to be legendary purple prose:

'..."Yeah, pretty [expletive] funny, isn't it?" Couples steamed...' (Post)

Just to be safe, somebody better alert Amerika's self-appointed censor - L. Brent Bozell III - stat, because we all know how much Amerika's egregiously unsupervised tykes love watching golf on the tube.

Titney Gives Mikey Some Manly Advice
Source: Left Coast Report [03/15]

No longer the preferred Pop Tart flavor of the month, Titney Spears strayed back onto PIG's Kulture Radar this week when she bestowed her vast wisdom on everyone's favorite bleach-skinned, noseless, (alleged) pervert, Mikey Jackson. Titney has it all figured out, so sit back and bask in her glorious sagacity.

First, Titney opines, Mikey must grow a mustache.
Next, he needs to venture forth into a local bar and get into a fight.

Growing a mustache might be a problem for Mikey, but getting into a fight is a slam dunk. Let him wander into any bar in the country, without his entourage, and he won't have any trouble finding someone who wants to kick his squirrely butt.

Am I the only one struck by the irony here? What irony? For starters, the startling fact that Titney has a better grip on 'how to be a man' than Mikey does. Bold New Concept.

Deja Vu?
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [03/14]

Actor, director, and supernaturalist icon, Mel Gibson, is back to take another bite from the box office windfall apple with a - slightly - toned down version of his Cross Dude blockbuster, 'The Passion'. The new version 'The Passion Recut' trimmed six or seven minutes of relentless carnage, but it's still considered a non-negotiable "R" by the MPAA. Life is so cruel that way.

How, you ask, is "The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre" doing in its new incarnation? Not that well, so far, but it's still early in the game. Released in 957 theaters, the new version, "The Jesus Skillsaw Massacre", took in a paltry $240,000. An AP scribbler estimates - gleefully, no doubt - that this works out to 'less than 10 people per showing'.

Will Mel reach for the "M" rating brass ring by returning to the editing room to produce a kinder, gentler, third version? I don't know but if he does it has to be renamed to "The Jesus Jigsaw Massacre". Okay, okay! I know it's a cheap shot and I'm so whipped with guilt that I'll forgo asking the congregation for a rousing "amen".

SpongeBob Update
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [03/10]

[For the original PIG News piece on this epic see an article in PIG's Kulture News dated 01/20/2005.]

Despite the caterwauling from traditional family values puritans like James Dobson's Focus on the Family and Don Widmon's American Family Association, the tolerance-promoting video starring SpongeBob Squarepants - plus assorted other kiddie program favorites - is set to make landfall at 60,000 government cess-schools nationwide. Obviously the Korrectniks and their Educrat cohorts remain undeterred by the family values uproar. So be it.

For those who need them, here are the SpongeBob Squarepants Tolerance Video Cliff Notes:

The family values view is that this is a stealthy way to promote the "homosexual agenda", whatever the hell that means.

The Korrectnik dweeb view states that all this video does is promote "tolerance" for the "other" in all its diverse forms.

The rational adult view states that the Educrats will do anything and everything except instill meaningful knowledge about reading, writing, and arithmetic in the captive audience.

This epic is a case study in why Amerika's compulsory, one-size-fits-all, government cess-schools don't work.

"Growing Up Gotti" Must Go!
Source: New York Daily News [03/09]

Certain NYPD badge packers - the 6,000 strong Columbia Association - want cable outlet A&E to deep six "Growing Up Gotti" because this cable network fare gives Italian-Americans a boo-boo on their fragile psyche. Poor babies! At first, the Columbia Association swallowed their outrage, hoping that the show would tank and disappear into boob tube oblivion after one ignoble season. When its improbable popularity brought "Growing Up Gotti" back for a second season, the outraged men in blue fired off a 'scathing letter to A&E cable channel demanding "Growing Up Gotti" be canceled' (Daily News). Ever so politely, A&E execs interrupted their laughter-filled stroll to the bank to advise the badge-packing protesters to go pound sand.

For those just emerging from a coma, be advised that the aforementioned show stars room temperature Mafia boss John Gotti's daughter, Victoria, and her three punkass sons. An amply endowed wench with bleach blonde tresses, Ms. Gotti claims she's just a single mom - Mafia punk hubby is in the slammer - who is "struggling to raise three boys". Struggling? If you've seen the show you know she's got her hands full with these hormone gorillas. On the other hand, she does her struggling in a 14-room, Long Island mansion, that was - undoubtedly - paid for with papa's ill-gotten gains.

PIG thinks A&E should 'do the right thing' and, publically, thank the Columbia Association for helping publicize "Growing Up Gotti". Maybe Victoria could send these NYPD 'fans' a pinup shot that features her classically-Italian cleavage. That should lift everyone's...spirits.

Kulture News Roundup
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [03/08]

Whoppi Goldberg
Responding to the billboards Citizens United put up to thank Hollywood lefties for their help in re-electing W, that noted female impersonator, Whoppi Goldberg, sent Citizens United a box of candy and some Whoppi prose. News Max's 'Left Coast Report' quotes Goldberg's prose as follows:

"Gentlemen: I didn't realize how little faith you had in your candidate. To give so much power to folks like myself is amazing. I thought you all said that the President won because of what he stood for, and now I come to find out that the only reason he got elected was because of people like me. This doesn't say much for your candidate. Enjoy the chocolate."

This PIG scribbler gives props to the Whoopster for her "right back at you" response to Citizens United.

Say It Isn't So
From our "just shoot me" entertainment desk, PIG News sounds an early warning against a new boob tube series that the Left Coast Report dubs "Seventh Hillary Heaven". Tentatively titled "Commander-In-Chief", this in the works epic is, in actual fact "The West Wing" on estrogen. That's right, liberal media bias fans - and we both know who you are - the new show stars Geena Davis as Amerika's duly elected president.

PIG refuses to put words in its readers mouth, but our reaction to this steaming, pernicious programming load is unequivocal: just shoot us.

Kulture News Tidbits
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [03/02]

Ashlee
The tabloid 'Star' reports that musically-challenged, inexplicably successful, so-called 'singer', Ashlee Simpson, hired a new voice coach recently, but their association ended as quickly as it started. According to our ultra top secret sources, the high priced voice coach deemed the lesser Simpson beyond his help and quit after one day on the job.

Star
The New York Post's Page Six reports that plus-size 'View' hostess, Star Jones, got into a shyster-wielding, whiz-a-thon when the critter coddlers at PETA hired a drag queen to portray the hefty Ms. Jones in a forthcoming ad that PETA insists is simply a harmless, fuzzball 'parody'. Faster than Star Jones lumbering for thirds at a free buffet, shyster prose was exchanged.

Star's Shysters wrote:
"While the First Amendment . . . protects legitimate parody, [it] does not sanction the misappropriation of a person's identity for purposes of trade or advertising . . . Thus, PETA does not have the right to use an impersonator . . . As you prepare your advertisements, we urge you to keep this distinction in mind." (Page Six)

PETA's Shysters replied:
"The legal positions in your letter are without merit and it appears to be a thinly veiled attempt to coerce PETA into silence about [Jones'] support for the cruel fur industry. As you acknowledge, PETA possesses a right and indeed a duty in furtherance of its charitable animal protection mission, to speak out against your client's practice of wearing animal fur. As a public figure, she is subject to public criticism and parody by Ms. DeBarge and PETA for this conduct, and in no way does such speech constitute false advertising, false designation of origin, or misappropriation of identity.

"With all due respect, we cannot believe that Ms. Jones Reynolds would remain unmoved by the video footage we have in our possession of animals suffering greatly when killed for their fur. Therefore, we fervently hope that you will ask your client to meet with us and allow us to make our case to her on behalf of the animals and to present her with a beautiful faux fur." (Page Six)

Put down the chocolate suicide cake, hippo breath...it's your move, Star.

Coming To Amerika?
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [03/01]

The play that outraged Brit supernaturalists might make landfall in the Big Apple (New York City) if the wingnuts who perpetrated "Jerry Springer, The Opera" get their way. For the sake of any New Puritans who stumble on this PIG News item, here are some "Jerry Springer, The Opera" tidbits from various news sources:

'...The opera "contains up to 8,000 profanities and features tap-dancers dressed as Ku Klux Klan members and a showdown between Satan and a diaper-wearing Jesus." Amidst songs like "Chick with a D…" and "Eat Excrete," the show portrays "the Messiah as a fat, diapered man who sings he's 'a little bit gay.'"...' (MSNBC News, 1-7-05)

'...The show features "a semi-naked 'gay' Jesus" who is "being fondled by a dishevelled Eve, as the Devil looks gleefully on with an inebriated Adam." Also, "the Virgin Mary turns up to talk about her trials as the mother of a wayward saviour, amid a blitz of four-letter words." The show ends with Springer telling Jesus to "grow up for Christ's sake and put some f---ing clothes on."...' (Sunday Telegraph, 1-9-05)

'..."Surely no more blasphemous, vulgar or salacious piece of musical theatre than Jerry Springer-the Opera has graced the London stage in modern times."...' (Evening Standard, 4-30-03)

Catholic League president, William Donahue didn't pull any punches when he assailed this Brit play:

"This show is Satanic and will be met with a massive protest if the producers are dumb enough to bring it to New York. Having been galvanized by Mel Gibson's 'The Passion,' and having been successfully mobilized last fall during the electoral season, Christians have more energy and confidence these days than they've had in years. Anyone who thinks Catholics and Protestants are going to put up with organized hate speech is nuts. All they need is some leadership, and we and our allies will provide."

When Brent Bozell, Don Wildmon, James Dobson and John Hagee get wind of this alleged entertainment, it's gonna be big fun time in the Big Apple. I, for one, can't wait for this culture war melee to get started.

FEBRUARY 2005

More Brent Bozell Bovine Excrement
Source: AP [02/25]

The FCC Thought Police shot down a Brent Bozell scripted complaint about a 2003 episode of the WB's "Angel", this week, insisting that Brent's nitpicking didn't make the elusive 'indecency' cut. For those who obsess on such trivia, here are the relevant 'indecencies' as described by this AP piece:

'...One scene involved Angel in an intimate moment with a female character in which Angel's hips are seen "moving back and forth," the Parents Television Council said in its complaint.

In [a] scene depicting the female vampire biting the neck of her partner, also a vampire, both characters had clothes on and "their breathing is heavy," the complaint said...' (AP)

Brent and his decency obsessed robots in the PTC can take heart from the fact that this WB series about vampires has been canceled. Better luck next time, Brent.

Kulture News Nuggets
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [02/24]

Singing A New Tune
A heavy metal band named Korn lost one of its founding members this week because gee-tar flogger, Brian Welch, according to the band's Web site, "choses Jesus Christ as his savior". Henceforth, Brian will disavow, demean and defame his devilish, heavy metal past and sing Old Ka-Boom's praises for his supper. If you don't know that he'll be a featured speaker on TBN, you're not paying attention.

Banned In Hollywood
According to the usual, unnamed, sources within the Oscars cabal, certain ubiquitous tabloid favorites aren't wanted or needed at this year's ceremony. Oscar organizers specifically banned such lowbrow notables as Pam 'Killer Jiggle' Anderson, Britney 'Boob Job' Spears and Paris 'Amateur Porn Star' Hilton, plus assorted others, because they want to reserve the Academy Awards for movie stellars with 'class', like Michael 'The Maggot' Moore and Spike 'Famous for being black' Lee.

Shrek 2's Hidden Agenda
According to fire breathing homophobe Rev. Lou Sheldon's family values cabal, the Traditional Values Coalition, the mega popular animated flick, 'Shrek 2', is riddled with subtle GLAAD BAAG imagery. Don't take my word for it, check out these goodies from a warning posted on the Traditional Values Coalition Web site:

'...The movie features a male-to-female transgender (in transition) as an evil bartender. The character has five o'clock shadow, wears a dress and has female breasts. It is clear that he is a she-male. His voice is that of talk show host Larry King.

During a dance scene at the end of the movie, this transgendered man expresses sexual desire for Prince Charming, jumps on him, and both tumble to the floor.

In another scene in the movie, Shrek and Donkey need to be rescued from a dungeon where they are chained against the wall. The rescue is conducted by Pinocchio who is asked to lie so his nose will grow long enough for one of the smaller cartoon characters to use it as a bridge to reach Shrek and Donkey. Donkey encourages him to lie about something and suggests he lie about wearing women's underwear. When he denies wearing women's underwear, his nose begins to grow.

An earlier scene in the movie features a wolf dressed in grandma's clothing and reading a book when Prince Charming encounters him. Later, one of the characters refers to the wolf's gender confusion...'

PIG News is shocked, shocked, I tell you. Will exposure to Shrek 2 make little Joey demand a boob job and start wearing his sister's knickers? Lou Sheldon thinks so, but we, respectfully, suggest that he up the voltage on his shock treatments.

Inspired Movie Dubbing
Passengers on certain international flights might want to pay special attention if the airline entertains you with an in flight showing of "Sideways". According to our top secret news sources, certain specially edited versions of the film replace 'a certain seven-letter epithet commonly used to denote a human orifice [a-hole]' with - we are not making this up - "Ashcroft".
Call me names if that thrills you spitless, but this pagan scribbler is amused in the extreme.

Talon News Shuts Down
Source: Editor And Publisher [02/24]

The Jeff Gannon sordid saga [PIG's Kulture News 02/10] chalked up another victim this week, when the company that posted Jeff's stories, Talon News - pulled down its site to "reevaluate operations" before it resumes operation. Jeff's adventure in journalism careened off the rails when some Internet sleuths discovered that staunch right wing conspirator, Jeff, is, in real life a dude named James Guckert, purveyor of three homosexual escort, Internet, sites and - allegedly - a pay-for-play dude who gets horizontal with other males.

Tarnished by their affiliation with Jeff/James, Talon News needs to retool, then try to win back the trust bestowed upon them by its loyal, red state readers. When, if ever, they return, we'll serve up any, and all, the newsworthy facts.

Afterthought
Here's the full text of Talon News' statement as presented by Editor And Publisher:

"The recent public focus on Talon News, while much of it malicious, has indeed brought some constructive elements to the surface. It has also brought many kind messages of support, and for that we are extremely grateful.

"In order to better serve those readers across the country who enjoy Talon News content and look forward to receiving it each day, we feel compelled to reevaluate operations in order to provide the highest quality, most professional product possible.

"Thus, Talon News will be offline while we redesign the web site, perform a top-to-bottom review of staff and volunteer contributors, and address future operational procedures.

"We look forward to bringing an even better product to our readers in the future."

If Talon issues any more apologetic prose, PIG will provide all the juicy tidbits.

Ramming Digital Television Down Amerika's Throat
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [02/17]

Anyone who still believes the Elephant Clan's "free market", "pro capitialism" rhetoric needs to wake up and smell the pachyderm punks' socialist coffee. Eschewing their free market posturing , some Elephant Clan congresspunks are determined to coerce reluctant Amerikan consumers into switching to digital television. These alleged free marketeers are plotting to impose the new standard, forcibly, by December 2006, but, it's for our own good, they insist, pointedly ignoring existing legicrap and marketplace dynamics.

Fact: Under prevailing legicrap, the December 2006 changeover date isn't etched in stone; it's conditional. It only takes effect if, by that date, 85% of Amerikan households are equipped for digital television.

Fact: Only 12% of Amerikan households are digital television ready, today, and analog sets still outsell the more expensive digital sets by a wide margin.

Fact: A television with a built-in digital tuner costs, on average, $950, each. Since most homes are equipped with multiple sets this means a consumer converting to digital is looking at a $2,000 to $8,000 (or more) price tag, depending on how many sets he owns.

The Legicrats perpetrating this digital television mandate want to subsidize the conversion costs for the 21 million homes who receive their boob tube programming with television antenna. The majority of Amerikan households that get their boob tube fare via cable or satellite are strictly on their own.

Since the marketplace is giving this digital television crap a resounding thumbs down, because it's just too goddamn expensive, it's time to tell these alleged "free market" congresspunks to butt the hell out. If, like me, you're up to here with these hack asshats, contact the two congressional assclowns ramming this digital mandate down our throats: Congressman Joe Barton, R-Mexas; Congressman Fred Upton, R-Michigan. Don't let them use the government's monopoly on the use of force to dictate your choice in entertainment technology, because such coercion is no shit un-goddamn Amerikan.

Cross Cult Boob Box Outlet Pulls CAIR Ad
Source: World Net Daily [02/12]

A Florida based boom box outlet, WTBN-AM, decided that its core audience - evangelical Cross Cultists - wouldn't appreciate CAIR's (Council on America-Islamic Relations) paid advertisement, so they pulled the ad from their airwaves. As expected, CAIR's spokes-weasels whimpered, whined and blithered but it's safe to assume they'll get over it, eventually.

According to WTBN management, their actions stem from a visit they paid to CAIR's Internet site. Based on the information presented by CAIR's cyberspace outpost of Mecca Mania, WTBN management determined that CAIR's primary purpose is luring new convertes to Mecca Mania. Needless to say, this is a cardinal sin which WTBN will not tolerate. The station knows its audience and works diligently to serve their needs.

'..."[Pulling CAIR's ad is] nothing against this particular religion. If the Church [of Jesus Christ] of Latter-day Saints or [Jehovah's] Witnesses wanted to run a spot promoting their religion, we'd do the same thing. We're here to serve evangelical Christians.'' (WTBN general manager, Christopher Gould as quoted by WND)

Hopefully you're fortified by your preferred adult beverage, because this pagan deems WTBN's antics "no harm, no foul". It's their station, their target audience and their call. If/when WTBN makes a wrong call, the marketplace - not the FCC, the courts or CAIR - will 'smite' them. That's gotta merit a rousing "Amen, brother" from the congregation.

The Jeff Gannon Saga
Source: New York Daily News [02/10]

Fall out from the pay-for-play journalism fiasco claimed another victim when a scribbler for an Elephant Clan news site - Talon-News.com - strayed into the news nitwit spotlight. Known for his softball, W-friendly, questions at presidential press conferences, Jeff Gannon - the name on his driver's license reads "Jim Guckert" - elicited more than a few "who the hell is that clown" reactions from veteran journalists. Always called upon by W, Jeff/Jim scored a news nitwit coup when the White House minions gave him a classified CIA memo that named agent Valerie Plame. When that blew up in the administrations face, Jeff/Jim found himself testifying in front of a grand jury. That's heavy duty stuff, for a lowly Internet scribbler and it raised numerous 'why him' questions.

Smelling another White House "paid for" news nitwit, determined lefty sleuths decided to find out 'the rest of Jeff/Jim's story. Their search turned up a lot more than they expected:

'...By examining Internet records, online sleuths at DailyKos.com figured out that his real name was Jim Guckert and he owned various Web sites, including HotMilitaryStud.com, MilitaryEscorts.com and MilitaryEscortsM4M.com.

"The issue here is whether someone with connections to male prostitution was given unfettered access to the White House and copies of internal CIA documents. For a family values administration, that's pretty creepy," said John Aravosis, one of the bloggers chasing the story....' (Daily News)

On February 9, 2005, the differently-sexual chickens came home to roost when Jim/Jeff quit his job at Talon and the site, immediately expunged all traces of his stories from their news archives. An avowed conservative and born again Cross Cultist, Jeff/Jim found out, the hard way, that the vast right-wingnut conspiracy doesn't take kindly to conspirators who pimp for male hookers. How the once mighty have fallen? You better believe it, don't call us we'll call you Sparky.

Kulture News Nibbles
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [02/09]

Korean Angst
According to a recent news report, North Korea's reigning wingnut, Kim Jung Il, isn't thrilled spitless with the way South Park creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, portrayed him in their inspired flick, "Team America: World Police - 2004". North Korean diplomats are outraged because, in the film, their fearless leader is portrayed as an insane asshat who tries to destroy cities around the world. This, they claim, is so out of character for their country and its insane leader, it won't be tolerated.

On the eve of the film's debut in the Czech Republic, North Korea's 'we're Mad as hell and we won't take this abuse anymore', embassy demanded that Czech officials to ban the film, because it "harms the image of [North Korea]". I'm pleased to report that the rational adults running the Czech Republic responded with the diplomatic equivalent of "bite me".

File this epic under 'if the shoe fits', in your news archives.

Afterthought
It's ironic that this story hit the news in the same week that peace-loving - we're so not like they say - North Korea bragged about their nuclear arsenal and their willingness to use it, if provoked. To this pagan, it sounds like North Korea's twisted tyrant is a dead ringer for Team America's villain.

Painting A Bull's-Eye On The Donald
A St. Louis shyster hit the purveyors of NBC's "Apprentice" with a Shyster Full Employment Act (Americans With Disabilities Act) lawsuit because the show's contestant selection process is unfair to the differently-abled. Obviously, the wheelchair-bound shyster, James Schottel Jr., wants to be on the show, so he's trying to brute force his way onto the small screen by filing the lawsuit, mere days before his Friday tryout. Don't you dare think he's doing this for himself...Perish the thought. He's doing it for all the differently-abled who might be excluded by the show's non-negotiable requirements:

'...[a form warns aspiring contestants that] "you must be in excellent physical and mental health" and "meet all physical and psychological requirements."...' (AP)

The show's purveyors insist that they're differently-abled cool and had several wheelchair-bound applicants during a recent tryout in the Big Apple.

Will this slimy shyster asshat, coerce the Donald, et al, into putting him on the show? Only time will tell, but stranger things have happened. One fun fact is a lead pipe cinch: if this asshat did get on the show and lost, he'd sue anyone and everyone for discrimination. For that reason alone the Donald should do the smart thing by telling this whining piece of shyster crap to go pound sand.

The Great Billboard Caper
Source: News Max [02/01]

Some too clever for his own good vast right-wing conspirator in a cabal called Citizens United hatched a plan that should thrill the socks off the liberal lip-flapping lefties who attend this year's Academy Awards festivities. When the usual, Hollywood lefty, suspects show up outside the Kodak Theater, later this month, they'll be greeted by three billboards thanking them for re-electing George W. Bush to a second term. Hollywood's lefty horde is already in a lather, but they'll probably get over it...in a millennia or two.

'...The ads will feature such liberal celebrities as Michael Moore, Whoopi Goldberg, Ben Affleck, Martin Sheen, Chevy Chase, Barbra Streisand and Sean Penn – all of whom the billboards credit with the President's November victory...' (News Max)

This pagan scribbler takes the occasional potshot at the VRWC (vast right-wingnut conspiracy), but not this time. For staging a world class, "in your face, lefty punks" stunt, this PIG scribbler confers heartfelt, turbo kudos on the inspired conspirators at Citizens United. Who said politics can't be fun?

JANUARY 2005

An Inspired Radio Stunt
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/29]

A Colorado Springs boom box morning team - Coffey and Alisha - landed in very hot water when they dispatched a dude in a SpongeBob costume to stage a one-mutant protest at James Dobson's, Colorado Springs, Focus on The Family enclave. The stunt went arwy when the SpongeBob dude violated orders and strayed onto Focus on The Family's property. Faster than a judgement day "amen", the protester was frantically explaining his antics to Colorado Springs' men in blue.

When SpongeBob dude's connection to the Coffey and Alisha show surfaced, the popular KVUU pair were given an 'off the airwaves' timout - at least temporarily - by the station's suits. I'm guessing that Dobson and his minions applied enough heat to KVUU execs to panic them into shelving the popular morning drive time duo, for an - as yet - unspecified period.

Chin up, Coffey and Alisha, PIG kudos are richly deserved and eagerly conferred. It's not your fault that Dobson - and KVUU management - are humor challenged.

Stern's Sweet Revenge
Source: CNN [01/29]

According to the latest Arbitron ratings, those Clear Channel boom box outlets that dropped Decency Demon Howard Stern last February (2004) are paying a heavy price for their decency dementia. Love him or hate him, Howard Stern is a reliable ratings bonanza for stations that carry his show. If you need proof, consider the following ratings changes, after the stations dropped Stern's show:

WXDX (Pittsburgh)
Plummeted from 3rd in their market to 11th

WTKS-FM (Orlando)
Dropped from 2nd in their market to 8th.

WNVE (Rochester, NY)
Dropped from 6th in their market to 14th

KIOZ (San Diego)
Plunged from 5th in their market to 20th

The flip side is equally informative:

'...when Infinity added Stern to four stations in New York, California and Florida last summer, ratings jumped. In the Orlando market, Infinity's WOCL, for instance, has since shot from No. 17 on the eve of Stern's addition to No. 1, according to Arbitron. San Diego's KPLN is now ranked fourth, up from No. 17 before. Stations in Rochester and West Palm Beach also posted solid, albeit less dramatic, gains...' (CNN)

CNN asks the burning question when they wonder what happens to Stern's current provider, Infinity, after Howard moves to Sirus Satellite Radio in 2006. Based on the numbers cited by CNN, Infinity can't escape a major listener exodus when Howard Stern leaves their airwaves. Will Howard Stern, singlehandedly, put satellite radio 'on the map'? Don't bet against him, because Howard knows how to build - and keep - an audience.

W On Broadcast Decency
Source: Broadcast & Cable Magazine [01/29]

When asked about the ongoing assault on broadcast 'indecency' by CSPAN's Brian Lamb, W's defense of our "inalienable" free speech protections was lukewarm, at best. Here is the relevant part of the interview as served up in this Broadcast & Cable article:

LAMB: Can I ask you about indecency? You've got an opportunity to appoint a new chairman of the Federal Communications Commission. Michael Powell is leaving, and you might have other appointments; you have five commissioners. And one of the big issues moving around Capitol Hill is indecency. And I want to ask you, how far do you think government should go in telling people who use the airwaves, the broadcast stations, what can be said?

PRESIDENT: "As a free speech advocate, I often told parents who were complaining about content, you're the first line of responsibility; they put an off button on the TV for a reason. Turn it off. I do think, though, that there can be a -- that government can, at times, not censor, but call to account programming that gets over the line. The problem, of course, is the definition "over the line."

My answer would be, if I were interviewing an FCC chairman, please tell me where the line is, and make sure you protect the capacity of people to speak freely in our society, but be willing to -- if things get too far, call them to account. I think Michael did a good job of balancing that.

LAMB: There is a bill that if it were passed on Capitol Hill would up the fees, up the fine from $27,000 for using bad language, for instance, to $500,000 as a maximum fee.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, they're going to collect a lot of money when some of these TV shows are still on.

LAMB: But is that -- I mean, at what point, though, do you have somebody that says, that word can't be used, but that word can be used?

THE PRESIDENT: No, I understand. Look, it's the old -- the classic definition of the Supreme Court -- by the Supreme Court on pornography, you know it when you see it. I think that was Judge Potter Stewart who said that.

Look, we are a great society because we're a free society. On the other hand, it is very important for there to be limits, limits to what parents have to explain to their children. Nevertheless, I do want to repeat what I said earlier -- the parent's first responsibility is to pay attention to what their children listen to, whether it be rock songs or movies or TV shows.

For those who need help in translating this political prose into plain English, I'm all over it. Under W's inspired leadership, broadcast speech is controlled by two, egregiously undefined, goodies:

A broadcaster's speech as only as free as the most hypersensitive listener/viewer will allow.

Unwritten, undefined, seat of the pants, decency notions perpetrated by the FCC's Thought Police bureaucracy determine wether a given broadcast is deemed 'indecent' or 'street legal'. Virtually identical broadcast content - 'Saving Private Ryan', for example - might be deemed street legal one day, and 'indecent' another.

Make no mistake, violating this impossible to define, decency standard is a very expensive proposition, now that congress upped the ante, exponentially, with eye-popping broadcast indecency fines. If a broadcaster - deliberately, or accidentally - strays over the invisible, indecency line, there's bureaucratic hell to pay, literally. And what, you wonder, is W's helpful response to this deliberately undefined decency standard? He can't or won't define indecency, but "you know it when you see [or hear] it". Thanks a ton, dude.

I get it, now...more or less. Since each of Amerika's denizens draws their own decency/indecency boundary, all a broadcaster has to do is appease each of Amerika's 280,000,000 aspiring media censors. How hard can that be?

Maggot Dissed, Again
Source: Reuters [01/28]

The Maggot's (Michael Moore) plus size ego took a second hit this week, when, hot on the heels of his exclusion from the Oscar Nomination derby the Writers Guild of America deemed his W-bashing documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" unworthy of WGA consideration. Call me names if you must but 0 for 2 sounds terminally nifty to this Maggot-despising pagan.

PBS In The Bureaucratic Bull's-Eye
Source: AP [01/26]

W's newly enshrined Secretary of Educrap, Margaret Spellings, ruffled Korrectnik feathers when she bitch-slapped a PBS kiddie show - "Postcards From Buster". This PBS show's 'sin' involves using federal greenbacks to ram "different lifestyles" down the unsuspecting kiddies' throats, during an episode titled, "Sugartime!". Admittedly, "Postcards From Buster" is drenched in 'tolerance' and 'diversity', but that's hardly breaking news for anything served up at PBS. If you're not up to speed on this PBS fare be advised that Buster - an animated bunny - goes here and there with a digital video camera, 'exploring regions, activities, and people of different backgrounds and religions' (AP). If I need to decode 'people of different backgrounds and religions' for you, you're not paying attention.

What, you ask, is Buster doing in the disputed episode that set off this Secretary Spellings' hissy fit? If you're smelling a differently-sexual themed, bureaucratic brain-fart, give yourself a cookie. In "Sugartime!", Buster travels to Vermont to get up close personal with the state's farming and maple sugar endeavors. So far so good, but Secretary Spellings reached orbital velocity when the episode featured a lesbian couple in a recurring, supporting, role. Although their sexuality is an incidental side issue that has nothing to do with the episode's primary focus, the merest glimpse of GLAAD BAAG-ism has W's top Educrat foaming at the mouth.

Traditional family values readers will be thrilled to learn that Secretary Spellings' tantrum intimidated PBS into shelving the episode. Spouting drivel about sensitivity to parental concerns, a PBS spokesdolt insists that their episode-shelving antics have nothing to do with Margaret Spellings going piously postal. Nice try, PBS, but Secretary Spellings still wants all her federal dollars back.

On Educrap Secretary Spellings' watch, government cess-schooled Johnny still can't read, write or compute. But, as long as she's in charge, government cess-schooled idiots with self esteem won't be lured into 'sin' by incidental exposure to "them damn homos" via lurid, tax-funded, PBS fare like "Postcards From Buster". Does anyone still wonder why Amerika's one-size-fits-all, government cess-schools don't work? Probably, but it's getting harder to deny bitter reality with every passing day.

Bozell's Petty Tyranny Exposed
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/25]

This week, the FCC's Thought Police rejected 36 complaints dished up by the Parent's Television Council's Brent Bozell-programmed robots. Before you start calling this pagan scribbler names and accusing him of aiding and abetting broadcast indecency, take the time to read about the petty, utterly asinine things that rot Bozell's socks these days.

The 36 items the FCC rejected are served up on the following Internet site:

Rejected PTC Complaints

(http://www.buzzmachine.com/archives/2005_01_24.html#008944)

Ridiculous? You better believe it, hypersensitive, censorship bonkers Sparky.

Razzie Nominations
Source: Reuters [01/25]

It's that time of year again when the Razzie Awards 'honor' the previous year's silver screen stinkers. This year's Razzie Awards nominations included some nifty news nuggets that deserve a PIG attention. In no special order, the following Razzie hopefuls registered on the vaunted, pagan scribbler radar:

Worst Actor:
Ben Stiller's improbable, inexplicable, popularity took a hit when the Razzie Awards cited his bad acting in a staggering 5, 2004-vintage, flicks: "Along Came Polly," "Anchorman," "Dodgeball," "Envy" and "Starsky & Hutch."

Ben Affleck runs a distant second to Stiller with bad 'acting' nods for 2, 2004-vintage flicks: "Surviving Christmas" and "Jersey Girl".

Worst Picture:
"Catwoman" achieved front-running infamy with 7 Razzie nominations.

"Alexander: stayed in the fatally-flawed flick hunt with 6 Razzie nominations.

Well, Duh Razzie Nominees:
J. Lo got a nomination for her alleged acting in "Jersey Girl".

Titney Spears got nominated for a cameo in the Maggot's "Fahrenheit 9/11".

The Wayans brothers got nominated, several times - including worst actress - for their cross-dressing, silver screen stinker, "White Chicks".

Obviously 2004 was a banner year for cinematic ineptitude. The Razzies are one award where all the nominees deserve public humiliation for their big screen atrocities.

Kulture News Tidbits
Source: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [01/20]

SpongeBob Saga
Family values stalwart, Focus on The Family's Dr. James Dobson, painted a "homo coddler" label on a popular cartoon character named SpongeBob Squarepants this week. The controversy - such as it is - centers on a 'can't we all get along' tolerance video that features SpongeBob, plus several other television characters who are popular with Amerika's rugrat horde.

'...[According to Dobson] SpongeBob's creators had enlisted him in a "pro- homosexual video," in which he appeared alongside other children's television characters like Barney, Blue's Clues, Clifford the Big Red Dog and Jimmy Neutron, among many others. The makers of the video, he said, planned to mail it to thousands of elementary schools later this spring to promote a "tolerance pledge" that includes tolerance for differences of "sexual identity. " He urged his allies to stand together to stop it as part of a "spiritual battle" for the country...' (San Francisco Chronicle, emphasis added)

When pressed on the issue Dobson's apologists admit that, in and of itself, the so-called "pro-homosexual" video is, essentially, harmless. That said, Dobson, et al, rush in where wise men fear to tread by impugning the video because the group promoting it endorses the homosexual agenda on its web site with the "tolerance pledge". Contrary to this spin, the "tolerance pledge" that rots jackbooted, family values socks isn't mentioned, referred to, otherwise included in the video, so why are the family values dweebs blithering about it?

This egegriously maligned video's stated purpose is "to promote tolerance and diversity to America’s children", but only someone of Dobson's ilk can spin that into a frontal assault on Amerika's children by drenched in sin homos. The evil incarnate "tolerance pledge" is equally benign. Written by the Southern Poverty Center's National Campaign for Tolerance, the pledge's only reference to the differently-sexual occurs in the following passage:

“I pledge to have respect for people whose abilities, beliefs, culture, race, sexual identity or other characteristics are different from my own.”

At worst, this tolerance spewing video is silly. Dobson should step back, take a deep breath and chill out. His paranoid delusions about a dastardly plot to lure Amerikan children in to rampant, homosexual licentiousness via this can't we all get along video gives Dobson's lefty enemies a perfect excuse to vilify him. For the public pounding you're about to endure, you have only yourself to blame, dude. File this epic under 'self-inflicted'.

Just Shoot Me
Some brain-dead producer thinks it would be nifty to the max to bring Donald 'Worse Combover In Recorded History' Trump's 'The Apprentice' to the Broadway stage. If this is the best idea Broadway has in the hopper, they need to exit, stage right, and get real jobs.

Inaugural Irony
According to W's red state homeboys, this week's inaugural concert was rendered safe for traditional family values the instant Kid Rock got the hook. Imagine everyone's thrill when, during the concert, Brett Scallions - front man for a group called 'Fuel' - laid an expletive on the audience. That sound you hear is this pagan scribbler laughing like a mental patient.

Truth in Advertising
A Connecticut Legicrat introduced a bill in the state legislature that would force theater owners to publish every movie's real starting time. Confused? Don't be, because in this context "real starting time" is just what it implies: the point in time, after those annoying advertisements and previews, when the movie you came to see appears on the silver screen.

As rational as this suggestion is, it does have one fatal flaw: It's no shit none of the government's business to dictate how a businessman decides to advertise or publish relevant information about his adventure in capitalism. File this epic under "a well-meaning, I feel your pain, Nanny State brain-fart".

Fox Television Gives Mecca Maniacs a Boo-Boo
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/16]

CAIR's (Council on American-Islamic Relations) terrorist-coddling panties are in a wad - yes, again - because Fox Television's series "24" centers on a Mecca Maniac family that doubles as a terrorist sleeper cell, in their spare time. When CAIR's perpetual whiners pinned an "Enemy of Islam" label on them, Fox Television's executives caved in like the spineless asshats they are.

Among other things, Fox executives are perpetrating the following farces:

Network executives reviewed the season's story arc and nuked certain stereotypical tidbits from the scripts.

Fox will offer Mecca Maniac coddling, CAIR-scripted, public service announcements to its affiliates.

Just once, it would be nice if somebody held the CAIR's feet to the fire for their terrorist coddling. If you need proof about CAIR's real agenda, their dirty little secret is exposed, routinely, in numerous, online publications. For example, 'Front Page Magazine' excoriates CAIR regularly, so that's a good place to start looking.

Brickbats are conferred on Fox Television for wimping out to an organization whose leadership schemes to replace the U.S. Constitution with Islamic law. We are, in this instance, unamused in the extreme.

Afterthought
CAIR's real agenda is distinctly anti-Amerika and anti-liberty:

'...[former CAIR minion] Randall Todd "Ismail" Royer was sentenced to 20 years in prison on charges he trained in Virginia for holy war against the United States and sent several members to Pakistan to join Lashkar-e-Taiba, a Kashmiri terrorist group with reported ties to al-Qaida...'

'...CAIR's chairman of the board, Omar Ahmad, was cited by a California newspaper in 1998 declaring the Quran should be America's highest authority. He also was reported to have said Islam is not in America to be equal to any other religion but to be dominant...' (WND)

If you want the real story on CAIR, the information is easily available on the Internet.

Maggot Dissed
Source: AP [01/15]

All four times his name came up, Michael 'The Maggot' Moore got dissed by his old high school - Davison High School - when the school's hall of fame selection committee shot him down. His name cropped up again for the upcoming 2005 selection, but this quote from Hall of Fame selection committee member, Don Hammond, doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement:

"Would you want him as a role model? Would you want your son or daughter to be like him? I haven't talked to anybody yet who's for him. The word to describe Michael Moore is embarrassing. He embarrasses everybody." (AP)

Fear not, Maggot fans - and we both know who you are, you sick bastards - help is on the way. A Maggot-loving, Davison (Michigan) pea brain named Ryan Eashoo is hoping for a Maggot friendly result this year. To put the Maggot over the top, he hopes to collect at least 2,000 signed - by Maggot fans - Maggot nominations by February 11, when the Hall of Fame committee meets. So far, Ryan has 300 signed Maggot missives. Will the fifth time put the Maggot over the top? Stay tuned.

A Former CBS Insider Excoriates His Old Network
Source: Los Angeles Times [01/13]

Former CBS News president, Van Gordon Sauter, didn't pull his punches when he discussed Rathergate in this Hell-A fishwrap. Here are some choice tidbits from his commentary:

'...What's the big problem at CBS News? Well, for one thing, it has no credibility. And no audience, no morale, no long-term emblematic anchorperson and no cohesive management structure. Outside of those annoyances, it shouldn't be that hard to fix. Personally, I have a great affection for CBS News, even though I was unceremoniously shown to the door there nearly 20 years ago in a tumultuous change of corporate management. But I stopped watching it some time ago. The unremitting liberal orientation finally became too much for me. I still check in, but less and less frequently. I increasingly drift to NBC News and Fox and MSNBC...' (Times)

Given the pressure exerted by the diverse news sources - all the fishwraps, internet sites and cable news outlets - CBS is faced with a tough choice. They can stay the course they're on, and preach to a much smaller, but increasingly rabid, lefty choir, or try to restore some semblance of journalistic objectivity. Mr. Sauter leans, tentatively, toward the latter, but I wouldn't bet the farm on anything that rational from Danski and his cohorts.

Mike Jackson Trial Coverage
Source: Detroit News [01/12]

A cable channel - E! - plans nightly coverage for the upcoming Mikey Jackson trial, but it's not your mommy's, talking head, trial coverage. This time out, this cable outlet plans something special:

'...Each night, cable channel E! plans to have a half-hour show, re-enacting some of the testimony, word for word. "None of us can deny the interest in this trial," says Ted Harbert, the E! president. With cameras being banned from the courtroom, he'll try the re-enactment approach...' (Detroit News)

Ratings gold? You better believe it, Mikey's a noseless, bleached skin, pervert Sparky.

Crazy Cabbie Update
Source: New York Daily News [01/12]

Howard Stern Show regular, Crazy Cabbie, is, officially, a wanted man, after he ditched a court appearance for his tax evasion case. Based on his antics, 'Crazy' is more than a boom box moniker:

'...The WXRK-FM disc jockey, whose given name is Lee Mroszak, has been hospitalized for psychiatric and substance-abuse problems, his lawyer said. Mroszak has been regularly calling the Stern show from the hospital but has been out of contact with the probation officer assigned to monitor him as he awaits sentencing, prosecutors said...' (Daily News)

Cabbie seems to be the only one who doesn't know that an insanity plea won't cut any ice with the tax man.

Family Values Tolerance In Action
Source: San Francisco Chronicle [01/12]

"Desperate Housewives" star, Nicolette Sheridan, got more than she wanted, or needed, when she strayed onto Family Values mutant radar screens with her infamous Monday Night Football, locker room ad. Believe it or not, certain pious peabrains are still fuming:

'...Nicolette Sheridan reportedly is living in fear after receiving death threats from angry TV viewers, who are offended by the raunchy antics of her character in the hit show "Desperate Housewives."...' (Chronicle)

Nothing assaults the senses like the putrid stench of goose-stepping, family values tolerance. Apparently, family values boob tubes lack power switches and channel selectors. Learn something new every day.

Kulture News Nuggets
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/10]

Brad and Jen
Entertainment weenies are in a lather because Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are splitting up. I'm trying - without any measurable success - to give a flaming damn.

Da Vinci Code
A Korrectnik cabal - the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation (NOAH) - has their melanin-deficient panties in a bunch because the villain in the forthcoming "Da Vinci Code" flick is an albino. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you, and so is NOAH's chief whiner, Mike McGowan:

"Ron Howard and Imagine can make a big difference for people with albinism . . . if they adjust the Silas character to not be an evil albino." (MSNBC)

Mike's views are mirrored by a clown dubbed "dermatologist to the stars", Vail Reese:

'..."To keep that character with albinism perpetrates a stereotype that is pretty tired. It’s something you would expect from a B-movie, but not something I would expect from an Academy Award-winning director like Ron Howard."...' (MSNBC)

Both whiners need to take several chill pills and get over it, because, it's fiction, shit for brains! The audience - even one that's 100% government cess-schooled - knows the difference between cinematic fiction and reality. Furthermore, the person who created this albino villain is "Da Vinci Code" author, Dan Brown. If these mental midgets have a complaint, they need to discuss it with him. Ron Howard and Imagine are simply staying true to the book.

Who knew that pigmentally-challenged Amerikans formed their own whiner cabal? Learn something new every day.

Just Shoot Me
As annoying as Amber Frey's book hawking antics are, there's something even worse. No, I'm not referring to that media slut - Gloria Allred - who pimps for the ubiquitous Ms. Frey. The "worse" under discussion indicts the programmers at CBS who deserve their very own circle of hell - with Gloria - for their scheme to turn Amber's tome into a made for the boob tube movie.

Attention Amber: The trial is over. Scott is on death row. Your 15 minutes are up. Enough already.

Compute Karma?
Source: Canadian Press [01/06]

Microsoft's karmic debt became due and payable during the recent International Consumer Electronics Show when Billy Gate's ubiquitous operating system crashed twice, during public presentations.

'...while promoting what he calls the "digital lifestyle," Gates showed how vulnerable all consumers - even the world's richest man - are to hardware and software bugs.During a demonstration of digital photography with a soon-to-be-released Nikon camera, a Windows Media Center PC froze and wouldn't respond to Gates' pushing of the remote control.

Later in the 90-minute presentation, a product manager demonstrated the ostensible user-friendliness of a video game expected to hit retail stores in April, Forza Motor Sport. But instead of configuring a custom-designed race car, the computer monitor displayed the dreaded "blue screen of death" and warned, "out of system memory."...' (Canadian Press)

What goes around, comes around? You better damn believe it, blue screen of death Sparky.

Pop Diva News Nuggets
Source: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [01/05]

Self-Inflicted Wound?
Ananova reports that Beyonce is 'up to here' with people who salute her generously proportioned caboose by calling her "bootylicious". She's quoted as follows:

"Bums can never be too big. I'm proud I've helped make curvy women sexy again. But I hate the word bootylicious. Everyone shouts it wherever I go." (Ananova)

The solution is simple, Beyonce. Put your goddamn clothes back on darlin. If you can manage that, people might pay more attention to your warbling and less attention to your fat-ass.

Orange Bowl Fun Fact
According to several talking heads, the Oklahoma Sooners didn't lay the biggest stinky at this year's Orange Bowl. The runaway winner - by a landslide - of this year's 'reeking Orange Bowl performance award' is alleged singer, Ashlee Simpson. At this rate, the lesser Simpson wench will be cutting the ribbon at supermarket openings in Duluth, any day now.

Stick a fork in it, darlin, because your career is...done.

Station Owner Dumps Stern Show
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/05]

Unfazed by Howard Stern's usual, raunchy material, Citadel Communications Corporation chairman of the board and CEO, Farid Suleman, dumped Stern's show like a hot potato, when Howard discussed - at great length - his circa 2006 move to Sirus Satellite Radio. Bathroom humor? No problem. Strippers, centerfolds and starlets discussing their sex lives in thrilling detail? No problem. Mention satellite radio - an over the public airwaves broadcaster's worst nightmare - and you're outta here, Sparky. Bold new concept.

Titney's Career Move?
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/04]

It might be Titney's attempt at humor, but rumor has it that Titney Spears wants to exercise her career options by studying to become a forensic scientist. I am not making this up! Before you laugh yourself hoarse, consider the up side to this Titney Spears CSI scam. A CSI troll Titney won't assault our eyes, or our ears, with her alleged singing. That works just fine for this pagan scribbler.

Another Boob Tube Profanity Epic
Source: AP [01/04]

During the live, East Coast, broadcast of Jay Leno's New Year's eve, 'Tonight Show' broadcast, Motley Crew rock star, Vince Neil, launched the infamous "F-bomb" over a live microphone. Although NBC didn't log any angry phone calls, and the network edited out the infamous word for its Left Coast broadcast, you gotta know that Brent Bozell and his goose-stepping censors are in "Dear FCC" mode, again.

Will Vince Neil's "F-bomb" destroy Amerika's egregiously fragile family values? Nope. Will the FCC's Thought Police nail NBC with a 7-digit fine to placate Brent and his noisy nitwit horde? You better believe it, censorship bonkers Sparky.

 
© Copyright 1993-2006 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette


 
 
 
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