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MAY 2014

Our Kind of Mayor
PIG News Wire [05/31/14]

Her name is Nikki Benz and this Toronto native wants Mayor Rob Ford's job. So what, exactly are her qualifications?

She doesn't do crack, and doesn't even smoke cigarettes.

She's not Rob Ford.

She has a snappy campaign slogan - Trade in your Ford for a Banz.

She favors making National Masturbation Day a civic holiday.

She'd like to bring porn production to Toronto, which makes perfect sense since our gal, Nikki is a porn princess.

Normally PIG doesn't endorse candidates, but we might break tradition and give Nikki our moral support.

PIG News Wire [05/31/14]

French President Francois Hollande's plan to tax his country back to prosperity by soaking the rich isn't living up to its advanced billing. First of all, many loaded Frogs moved out of the country. That's part of the reason for this:

The French government faces a 14bn-euro black hole in its public finances after overestimating tax income for the last financial year.

French President Francois Hollande has raised income tax, VAT and corporation tax since he was elected two years ago.

The Court of Auditors said receipts from all three taxes amounted to an extra 16bn euros in 2013.

That was a little more than half the government's forecast of 30bn euros of extra tax income.

The Court of Auditors, which oversees the government's accounts, said the Elysee Palace's forecasts of tax revenue in 2013 were so wildly inaccurate that they cast doubt on its forecasts for this year.

It added the forecasts were overly optimistic and based on inaccurate projections. [BBC]

Let's do a recap. Tax receipts are down. The economy is staggering. Unemployment for 2013 was 11%. Worst of all, the movers and shakers who could revive the economy were chased away by 75% tax on their income. Smooth moves, Socialist Sparky.

Sidebar of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [05/24/14]

Normally a 'sidebar' is a private chat between a black robe and the shysters, during a trial. In our instance, the sidebar involved two horny court minions who decided to get it on in an office at the rear of the courtroom. In theory, the smoked glass would hide their boinking. In practice, not exactly.

There's a time and a place: A judge suspended a murder trial after spotting two court staff having sex during the hearing at the Palazzo di Giustizia (Palace of Justice, above) in Genoa

Judge [Anna] Ivaldi ordered the trial in Genoa to be stopped while the two employees had their passion brought to an abrupt halt.

Witnesses said prosecutor Sabrina Monteverde had just begun their summing up in the case of Moroccan born Yassin Mahmod who is accused of murdering a tramp in the Italian port city last year.

A court source said:'The summing up had just begun when the judge heard strange noises, looked up and saw the outline of two naked bodies.

'When everyone looked it was quite clear what was going on - they were having sex.

'They obviously thought because the glass was dark they would not be seen.

'The judge suspended the case and had the two people clawed away.
[Daily Mail]

Holy Courtus Interruptus, Batman!

APRIL 2014

Curiosity Thrills
Source: PIG News Wire [04/26/14]

Our hero is a 59-year-old Kraut, who let his curiosity get the best of him. While lurking in Austria, he made a pit stop at a Salzburg police station. Why? Why indeed.

Wanted by German authorities for an alleged fraud, Herr Sparky needed to know if the Austrian justice system knew about his 'we'd really like a chat with you status' in Germany. Unable to stop himself, he 'told officers he just wanted to check that they had "nothing on him."...'

When he asked, in essence, "is anyone looking for me?" The answer was 'yup', a magic word that made him an honored guest in Graybar Hotel.

Eye of the Beholder
Source: PIG News Wire [04/19/14]

Meet the Izumo, the newest ship in the Japanese Navy, uh Maritime Self Defense Force. With a length of 250 meters, it's about 46 meters shorter than a Midway class aircraft carrier (WWII). Is it what it appears to be? Depending on whom you ask, the answer changes.

Like you, the Chinese are thinking 'aircraft carrier'. I get that, but it would violate the Japanese constitution which limits the Japanese navy to 'defensive' weapons systems. Yes it can launch helicopters, or Harrier type vertical takeoff jets. But, since it lacks a catapult and is stricktly defensive, or rescue operations, the Japanese classify the Izumo as a 'destroyer'.

Let's take a look at another Japanese destroyer, the Ashigara' which is 165 meters long and doesn't have a deck suitable for helicopters or Harriers. Am I calling the Sushi Slammers liars? Perish the thought.

Source: PIG News Wire [04/12/14]

The Jackass Party, and all the Progtard Pinheads love to yammer about 'the war on women' being waged by the VRWC (Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy). Most of their outrage is built upon the intellectual quicksand of bogus statistics, like that venerable 70 cents on the dollar canard.

At the same time, these stanch defenders of women have nothing to say about a real outrage a REAL war on women. Their silence is deafening, when it comes to things like this:

In a bizarre and grotesque statement, the state Samajwadi Party (SP) chief Abu Azmi said women who were raped should also be punished. The statement came after this reporter questioned Azmi about SP chief Mulayam Singh Yadav's comments on rape.

Yadav had, at a rally in UP, said that the death sentence, as punishment, for rape was too harsh. "Ladkon se aisi galtiyan ho jati hain, to iska matlab yeh to nahi ki unhe phaansi de di jaaye (Boys make mistakes, but this doesn't mean you hang them)," he told the gathering.

When this reporter asked for Azmi's comments on his chief's statements, he replied that rape was punishable by death in Islam. "Rape is punishable by hanging in Islam. But here, nothing happens to women, only to men. Even the woman is guilty."

He further added, "In India, if you have sex with a person with consent, it's fine. But if that same person complains, it's a problem. Nowadays, we see a lot of such cases. Girls complain when someone touches them, and even when someone doesn't touch them. It becomes a problem then, and the man's honour is ruined in this. If rape happens with or without consent, it should be punished as prescribed in Islam."

When asked for a solution to the problem of rapes, Azmi had this to say: "Solution is this: any woman if, whether married or unmarried, goes along with a man, with or without her consent, should be hanged. Both should be hanged. It shouldn't be allowed even if a woman goes by consent." [NDTV]

A rape victim must be hanged? Where's that blowhard Barry's outrage about that?

MARCH 2014

Candidate of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [03/22/14]

Her name is Carlie Ritch and she wants to be the next mayor of Toronto (Canada, DUH). She seems uniquely qualified to fulfill her campaign promise to 'whip the city into shape. Why? Doing business as Mizz Barbie Bitch, candidate Carlie is a professional dominatrix.

After Rob Ford, a Mayor Carlie would be a big step UP.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Source: PIG News Wire [03/22/14]

I'm pleased to report that inkorrectness crops up at Canadian Ivory Towers, too:

[CBC] The University of Regina is responding after a photo depicting some members of the school's cheerleading team posing in stereotypical "cowboys and Indians" costumes sparked outrage over the web.

Some of the women in the Instagram picture are wearing plaid shirts and cowboy hats, while others have feathers, headbands and braids in their hair and dresses that are made to look like they're made from animal skin.

University of Regina President Vianne Timmons issued a written release Sunday acknowledging that the team was part of a social event Friday evening that included "culturally inappropriate themes and costumes."

Her statement went on to say that the team's coach has apologized.

Kinesiology Dean Harold Riemer also expressed his apologies on behalf of the university Sunday afternoon.

"I have told them actually that it was wrong," said Riemer. "The university's code of conduct for students, faculty and staff is that we treat everyone, regardless of their status, or minority group … with respect, and we behave in a responsible manner so that everyone who lives and works on this campus feels comfortable and welcome. That's the university policy.

If you're looking for the right not to be offended, it's here: "behave in a responsible manner so that everyone who lives and works on this campus feels comfortable and welcome."

If you're looking for chronically offended, this get us there:

Richard Sipley, who studies computer science at the university, said he was shocked to see the cheer team post such a photo.

"I'm shocked that students still think with that mindset," Sipley said. "I mean, students are viewed as progressive and that's almost racist."

At the University of Regina, imaginative girls still wanna have fun. Is an outbreak of rational adulthood locked and loaded? Probably not, but I welcome unexpected hints of sanity, wherever, whenever, they occur.

Belgian Korrectness
Source: PIG News Wire [03/14/14]

I don't travel much and if I did, the list of places I won't visit is growing. The latest nation to make the cut is Belgium. Why? Why indeed?

For starters, they made some NO NAD - Joelle Milquet - their equality minister. She's the one responsible for Belgium's new sexism laws which make so called 'sexist' speech illegal.

Mocking a stay-at-home father or insulting a woman for wearing revealing clothes will be illegal in Belgium under sexism laws unveiled yesterday. Sexist comments in the office, on the street or online will be punishable by courts in what is thought to be the first legislation of its type.

Freedom of speech is dead in Belgium. Henceforth, a dude's speech is limited by the most hypersensitive woman who hears him. He's guilty, if she says so.

Conspiracy Theory
Source: PIG News Wire [03/14/14]

I won't put words in your mouth, since I'm so ready willing and able to put words in mine. When I'm looking for a dose of reality, the last place I'm likely to look for it is Iran. Asked or not, Iran has its own notion of what happened to that missing Malaysian airliner.

The Iranians got their knickers in a knot, when everyone was obsessing on two dudes - reportedly Iranian - who were traveling on flight 370, using stolen passports:

[Yahoo] A prominent Iranian lawmaker has blamed the US for the disappearance of Malaysian flight MH370, claiming Washington wants to cause "psychological warfare" between Iran and China.

Hossein Naghavi Hosseini, the spokesman for Iran's Parliament National Security and Foreign Policy Committee, said the missing plane has been "kidnapped" by the US in order to "sabotage the relationship between Iran and China and South East Asia".

Hosseini was responding to the news that two of the 239 passengers on board the flight were Iranians with forged passports. This lead to some speculation the plane may have been involved in a terrorist attack or a botched hijacking.

Hosseini described this as a "plot" against Iran initiated by the US.

"Documents published by the Western media about two Iranians getting on the plane without passports is psychological warfare," he told the Tasnim news agency.

"Americans recruit some people for such kinds of operations so they can throw the blame on other countries, especially Muslim countries."

Officials said that the two men who used forged documents to board the flight had no links to terrorist organisations.

The Iranians seem to think Obama and his hand-picked morons aren't as dumb as they look. I'll need to hear THAT from a rational adult.


Fiddling In Jersey
Source: PIG News Wire [02/22/14]

When I read a story about someone getting pissy about the 'Sea of Japan', I assume the whiners are Korean. That's the case here, too, but in this case the whining Koreans are a long way from home. They live on the opposite side of the world, in New Jersey.

The Sea of Japan might be out of sight, but it's not out of mind. Determined to rename that body of water, they rattled some Elected Tormentor cages:

A group of local politicians in New Jersey would like to rewrite maps of Asia.

On Monday, five New Jersey Democrats introduced a bill that would rename the sea between Japan and the Korean peninsula.

Currently, the sea is known as the Sea of Japan. But, according to the Star-Ledger newspaper, the bill would require "the state and all its political subdivisions, 'to the extent practicable'" to refer to the body of water as both the "East Sea" and the "Sea of Japan." Textbooks in New Jersey schools would have to adopt the new names starting in 2016.

The five backers of the bill represent what the Star-Ledger described as a "large and politically active Korean-American community." South Koreans have argued the name "Sea of Japan" is "colonialist" while the Japanese government has said the name is more familiar to the international community. [TPM]

Fiddling? Yup, it's an election year.

Source: PIG News Wire [02/15/14]

Since she's living in 'council housing', a Brit mum, Clare Lilly, needed the Dunbarton Council to provide a solution to her problem. The problem involves Clare's 7 year old daughter Katie, who had difficulty getting into and out of her home, because she uses a wheelchair.

It seems like a simple matter, but the council managed to make it thrilling. After dithering for two years, the council deployed a 10 level winding monstrosity that burned through $66,800 in taxpayer money.

Why didn't they do something sensible? Nanny State regulations:

"The council said this was the only option to fit something into the garden because of building regulations. It is a lot easier but I don't believe that the council weren't able to do something else. We weren't fighting for a massive steel ramp - we just wanted to improve Katie's quality of life."

The family's problems have been further compounded by youths now using it as a skateboard run. Council officials have refused to install a gate, citing health and safety concerns. [Guardian]

Once again, Elected Tormentors have regulated themselves into a corner.

Now That's Funny
Source: PIG News Wire [02/07/14]

Palestinian officials are convinced that somebody has threatened to kill Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas. They are ready to files charges at the U.N.'s International Criminal Court.

So who is this brazen hit man? Secretary of State John Kerry. Yes THAT fool.

Palestinians are gripped by a new conspiracy theory: U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry is trying to assassinate their president, Mahmoud Abbas. The theory is being propagated by senior Palestinian officials and media, and one official has threatened to file charges against Kerry at the United Nations' International Criminal Court.

The charge stems from a comment made by Kerry during a recent meeting with Abbas, during which he was reported to have said that "he would meet the same fate as his predecessor, Yasser Arafat, if he turned down Washington's proposals for peace with Israel," according to Khaled Abu Toameh of the Jerusalem Post.

The reference is to the fact that Arafat failed to establish a Palestinian state before his death in 2004. Yet given the fact that many Palestinians erroneously believe that Arafat was assassinated by Israel, allegedly by radioactive poisoning, the story was quickly distorted into reports that the U.S. had threatened to kill Abbas. A senior official in Fatah, Abbas's party, accused Kerry of "threatening the life of an elected Palestinian president."

Some fools say Secretary of State Kerry is better than nothing. I think we should test that notion and give 'nothing' its shot.


Brass Nads
Source: PIG's Top Story [01/31/14]

Cautionary Tale: Demoted
He's a filthy rich Brit in his 70s and his life partner of 30 years is in her 50s. Married in the 1970s, they divorced in the 1990s, but continued to live together, very happily, it seems. Til death do us part? Nope.

Five years ago, he decided it was time for a change, so he moved his new number one gal - and her 12 year old wenchlet daughter - into his not so humble abode. What about old faithful, his companion of 30 years? Did he plan to throw her out on the street? Perish the thought. A softy at heart, he invited old faithful to stay on as his housekeeper. She was not, as you might expect, a happy camper.

Lesson Learned: (Him) He learned the hard way - a £6million lesson taught in a courtroom - that keeping old faithful around was a mistake. He made an even bigger mistake when he pulled his 'housekeeper' notion out of his ass. If he wanted to make the switch, he could have sent her on her way for a fraction of that pricey court judgement.

(Her) She found out that 'time served' counts for something. Ka-Ching.

PIGish Wisdom: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? You better believe it, Sparky.

Banker Buttholes
Source: PIG News Wire [01/31/14]

Our hero, Steven Cotton, has some of his money squirreled away at a HSBC money emporium in J.O.E. HSBC calls the kind of account Steve uses, an instant access savings account. After his latest trip to hisbank, Steven has a more colorful name for it.

It started, when he decided to withdraw £7,000 to repay a loan from his mum. When he submitted his withdrawal slip, Steven got a nasty shock. HSBC started asking questions, and demanding an explanation from him to justify his need for the money. In his case, they insisted that the person he was paying write them a letter.

If that's not enough to make you go postal, maybe this will. When he asked how much he could withdraw without jumping though hoops, they wouldn't tell him. He had to try several withdrawal slips, each with smaller amount, until the teller accepted it. In his case it was £3,000. I know what you're thinking: go back later that same day for an additional £3,000. They won't let him do it more than once a day.

He's been a customer at HSBC for 28 years, and this is how the treat him? If my bank pulled that shit on me, I'd close my accounts so fast their heads would spin. A letter from the person for whom the money is intended? Fuck no!

If you think he's an isolated case, get over it:

Peter from Wiltshire, who wanted his surname withheld, had a similar experience.

He wanted to take out £10 000 cash from HSBC, some to pay to his sons and some to fund his long-haul travel plans.

Peter phoned up the day before to give HSBC notice and everything seemed to be fine.

The next day he got a call from his local branch asking him to pay his sons via a bank payment and to provide booking receipts for his holidays. Peter did not have any booking receipts to show.

The following day he spoke to HSBC again and this time, having examined his account, it said he could withdraw the £10,000.

Belinda Bell is another customer who was initially denied her cash, in her case to pay her builder. She told Money Box she had to provide the builder's quote. [BBC]

Which part of my money, my decision, butt out, don't the assholes running HSBC understand?

Missing Person of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [01/18/14]

Like Barry, Argentina's president, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, is an attention junkie. That's why her disappearing act has tongues wagging in Argentina, and elsewhere.

She's known for passionate proclamations on national television and rapid-fire online posts about her work.

But it's been almost a month since her last public appearance and 33 days since her last Twitter post, prompting critics to question who's in charge of the South American country. Close aides to Fernandez have dismissed such concerns, stressing that she's the one making the government calls.

"The President is present every day, working with us," Cabinet Secretary Jorge Capitanich told reporters earlier this month, according to the state-run Telam news agency.

Fernandez went on medical leave in October so doctors could perform emergency surgery to remove a blood clot on the surface of her brain. She officially returned to work in November and appeared at a series of events in December.

But now, with Fernandez largely out of public view once again, speculation has surged about her whereabouts, and her health. [CNN]

The best explanation for her disappearing act is this one:

Others think Fernandez is taking a break to take care of her health and not face a similar fate as her husband, former President Nestor Kirchner, who died in 2010 after suffering a heart attack.

Where is she? When we know, you'll know.

Well DUH
Source: PIG News Wire [01/11/14]

You can't make this stuff up. What stuff? You'll love it.

A woman in J.O.E. tried to sue her former lawyers because - TA DA - they didn't tell her that finalizing her divorce proceedings would end her marriage. How dumb do you have to be?

The curious case - made against two solicitor firms - had already been rejected by the court, but was revealed in the transcript of a later appeal by the claimant against the dismissal of other aspects of her case.

Jane Mulcahy had argued that the lawyers should have made it clear that a divorce would cause her marriage to be terminated - something which she apparently wanted to avoid.

The lawyers failed to regard her Roman Catholic faith and should have recommended judicial separation - a step down from full divorce - as an alternative course of action, she said. [Independent]

The courts rejected her appeal and rightly so.

Girlieman: Curtis Woodman
Antics: Wimp

Curtis Woodman is, by profession, a club boss in J.O.E. He's also, he insists, the victim of a kidnaping. It was such a shattering experience for Curtis, he is shielded by a screen while he testifies at the trial of his kidnapers.

According to Curtis, his 6 abductors drove up in two BMWs, while he was outside his office. They shoved him into a car, then obtained his cooperation at knifepoint. When all was said and done, he'd been robbed of £60 cash and his £4,650 Breitling watch, and assaulted during a two-hour ordeal. He also claims he was forced to transfer £4,800 into a bank account belonging to one of the kidnapers.

Sounds serious, but some of the facts are troubling. For example, three of these terrifying desperados were lapdancers wearing 'miniskirts, shoes with stiletto heels and Daisy Duke shorts. A fourth was their female manager. Also, the yarn he spins sounds suspiciously like the Guy Ritchie gangster film Revolver.

Finally, there the matter of a job they did for Curtis for which they never got paid. That's right it's a labor dispute.

The women had been hired as hostesses for five days during the horse racing festival, and were promised 50 per cent of credit card payments, as well as all cash takings, Bristol Crown Court heard.

The terms of licensing meant that stripping was prohibited on certain nights – but the women still 'insisted on taking their clothes off'.

Mr Woodman claims they had signed contracts agreeing to wear 'bikinis and nipple tassels', but they ignored this, and forfeited their right to the money.

Mr Woodman told the court in the months afterwards he had received calls demanding the money from [their manager] Charlotte Devaney, 34. [Daily Mail]

Miniskirts, stiletto heels, and Daisy Duke shorts? Is that how you dress for a kidnaping? Hiding behind a screen? Why? They already know what he looks like. Curtis, you're a real piece of work. You're also our Girlieman of the Week.

Prius To The Rescue
Source: PIG News Wire [01/11/14]

Prius drivers take a lot of crap, some of which they bring on themselves. Deserved or not, it never stops, because with one notable exception, they don't have a viable topper. Who is the exception? Who indeed.

His name is Bob Osemlak and during a day long power outage in December, the Canadian used his Prius as a generator to power his furnace, lights, refrigerator and boob tube.

Osemlak prepared for the outage by installing an outlet on his furnace. He then ran a cord through the basement to his hybrid electric car.

When the power went out, he conserved his car's battery by rotating between using it for heat and electricity.

"When the furnace comes on, and the house gets up to temperature, I go to the thermostat and shut the furnace off," he said. "Now I can plug something else in: the TV, the fridge or the floor lamp."

He used the car to power his house for nine hours, and the car's battery went down by less than one bar--equivalent to a gallon of gas. [UPI]

Very impressive, Bob.

Hoax Alert
Source: PIG News Wire [01/04/14]

This reeks of whopper, but it's VERY entertaining, so I'll pass it along, as written on a site I'll identify simply as 'JN':

[JN] Walking on water is not easy. Not too many people have the ability

Pastor Franck Kabele, 35, told his congregation that he was capable of reenacting the very "miracles of jesus" . He decided to make it clear through way of demonstration on Gabon's beach in the capital city of Libreville.

According to an eyewitness, Kabele took his congregation out to the beach. He told them that he would cross the Kombo estuary by foot, which is normally a 20 minute boat ride.

Sadly by the second step into the water Kabele found himself completely submerged. He never returned.

This is not the first incident of this nature in Africa. At Ibadon zoo in south-west Nigeria, a self-proclaimed Prophet claimed to be able to do what the Daniel of the bible did by walking into a den full of lions.

Though he was warned numerous times by zoo keepers, according to NG Newspapers, the Prophet thought of them as nothing more than enemies of progress. The Prophet, with a crowd of people watching, put on a long red robe and proceeded to enter the cage full of lions.

Within seconds of opening the door, the lions ripped the Prophet from flesh to bone. The bible should come with a warning label, "Don't try this at home."

Parting shot: Don't try this at home? That sounds like excellent advice.

© Copyright 1993-2014 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette

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