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MAY 2014

Stupidity On Steroids
Source: PIG News Wire [05/24/14]

In J.O.E., it's called an open prison. In Realville, we'd call it a day camp for convicted felons. Given its lax security - 'Do you promise to stay?' 'Yup' - what happened this week isn't exactly shocking, except to the day camp's minions.

A guest named Arnold Pickering took advantage of the 'day release' program which allows him to leave, unescorted, tethered only by his promise to return.

The 'good': Arnold was jailed for killing a blind man with a knife. He got 18 years.

The bad: He walked away this week and hasn't been recaptured.

The ugly: This is Arnold's fourth escape.

Holy crap: This is Arnold's third escape from an open prison.

Human Gene Pool Improvement Volunteer
Source: PIG News Wire [05/24/14]

From our 'watch this' news desk, PIG is pleased as punch to bring you this cautionary tale. This Human Gene Pool Improvement epic unfolded in Grenville, South Carolina when 26 year old Blake Wardell asked 18 year old Taylor Kelly to help him test the bullet stopping ability of an old flak jacket.

Blake donned the flack jacket, then, as requested, Taylor fired a single round from a small-caliber handgun. The bullet found a chink in Blake's armor, and hit him in the heart. The good news is that his Human Gene Pool Improvement Volunteer Application was accepted. The bad news is that Taylor is being charged with involuntary manslaughter, and I doubt that 'he asked for it' will get her out of it cleanly.

Win some, lose some.

Trailer Park Adventure
Source: PIG News Wire [05/10/14]

Convinced that her neighbors had broken into her car, Ana Maria Moreta Folch wanted to put them out of her misery. After obtaining a key to her enemy's trailer home, our heroine called for some heavy reinforcements.

When the bulldozer operator heard what she wanted, he made her prove it was her home. When she used a key to open the trailer's door he was convinced. He was finishing his demolition of the trailer and its septic tank when the real owners arrived.

Our heroine got bagged, tagged, and dragged to a Florida Graybar Hotel, but she still gets to deploy her 'Mission Accomplished' banner.

Happy Ending
Source: PIG News Wire [05/10/14]

Some Taliban twerps spent the better part of Saturday deploying roadside bombs in Registan district of southern Kandahar province. Saturday evening, a group of them were headed home, when their vehicle unintentionally tested the workmanship of their fellow Taliban.

The Taliban bomb deployers got a passing grade when their IED exploded killing 10 of the Taliban in the vehicle.

APRIL 2014

Human Gene Pool Improvement Volunteer of the Year
Source: PIG News Wire [04/26/14]

Carlos Cooper, Jr., gave the fickle fates ample opportunity to punch his ticket, when he filed not one, but TWO HGPI volunteer applications in the same day.

Application 1: On a Thursday morning, he was motoring along a Michigan City (Indiana) byway, when he lost control of his truck and plowed it into a local eatery. Shaken, but not stirred, he escaped unscathed, because the fates weren't paying attention.

Application 2: 15 hours later, our hero had shaken off the fates' rejection and submitted a vastly improved HGPI volunteer application. He had his deselection dialed in, this time: walking along the railroad tracks, at night, while yammering on a cell phone.

The Amtrak train nailed him, evicting him from the tracks. "Accepted?" Nope, he survived and his condition has been upgraded to 'serious'.

Killing time
Source: PIG News Wire [04/12/14]

Daylight Saving Time gave a terrorist a reality check, while the scumbag was affixing a bomb to a Volvo SUV in Dublin (Ireland). We're no sure if he fell back when he should spring forward. Did he spring forward too much, too little? It's hard to say.

We can say that this bomber was still fussing with the bomb when it jumped the gun and fulfilled its prime directive around 11pm. It destroyed the car and inflicted some damage on the bomber. Yes, the bastard lived, if you call having a Volvo gearshift wedged in your ass. Okay, the gearshift enema is wishful thinking.

Show & Tell
Source: PIG News Wire [04/05/14]

If you live in Mexas and your meager jobs skills make getting a job mission impossible, you would find the help you need at TWS (Texas Workforce Solutions). What help do they offer?

The state agency coordinates with a wide network of potential employers and, if necessary, can connect job seekers with adult education classes and vocational training programs. Unsure of how to write a resume or prepare for an interview? TWS can probably help.

One dude gave them a lot more additional bit of data when he contacted them via e-mail. In additon to his job application, he accidentally inclulded a picture of his wang. If he wanted to make a lasting impression, he succeeded. If he expected to get a job, he failed. At best, he might avoid being ticketed for "obscene display or distribution." That's a class C misdemeanor.

MARCH 2014

Desperado of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [03/29/14]

Our hero is a Great Northwest Nitwit named Keveen Quintanilla. His plan to burglarize a Burlingame (Washington) eatery, Curry Up Now, didn't go exactly as planned. He was tripped up by bad timing, and letting the little head overrule the big one.

Bad Timing: The bartender, 22 year old Ashleigh Cullen caught him in the act, when she ran into him while taking out the trash after closing up. He tried to talk his way out of it - "I'd like to hang out with you." - didn't ring true in the wee hours of a Saturday Morning. Cutting his losses, he took off before the cops arrived. After he left Ashleigh discovered that the store room had been robbed: the loot included televisions, assorted electronics, and a pair of Ashleigh's slippers.

Little Head: Ashleigh recognized Keveen as the dude who had flirted with her during business hours. Since he'd given her his name and a phone number, she passed them on to the cops who put them to good use.

Masquerading as Ashleigh, a cop used text messages to lure this fool to a 'date at a local donut shop'. Bagged tagged and dragged? You bet.

Old Habits Die Hard
Source: PIG News Wire [03/29/14]

It's not breaking news, when a jail bird resumes his crime career after his release.

It's worth a raised eyebrow, when the resumption takes place the day after his release.

It's stop the presses time, when the day after he finishes a 15-year Graybar stint for robbing a Jersey shoe store, he goes back to the same store, and robs it again.

Toms River police say that on Saturday afternoon 40-year-old Christopher Miller went to the store he robbed in 1999. They say he demanded cash from two employees, eventually took a cash register containing $389 and fled on foot with the employees' cellphones.

Police soon tracked down Miller and found the employees' phones in a shopping center garbage can. They found the money in a downspout in the back of the building.


Source: PIG News [03/22/14]

Our hellcat's name is Stephanie Hamman and she's a real pisser. Cutting to the chase, I'll tell you the unvarnished fun facts. Around 10 p.m., Stephanie got in her car, motored to Church Hill (Tennessee) Toll Booth, then drove her ride through the church doors and right into the church. She called her hubby Stephen to come help her. When he arrived, he found his wife sprawled near the altar with a large kitchen knife. Stephanie rewarded hubby by plunging her knife into his chest. When she took hubby to the hospital, the proper authorities showed up to exchange pleasantries. She was subsequently charged with first-degree attempted murder and vandalism. Hubby is in fair condition.

Now, it's time for the rest of the story.

Stephanie is a major weed addict.

God keeps telling her to kick her weed habit.

God told her to 'get in the church', a directive she took literally.

The devil inside her drove the car through the doors of the church.

God told her to stab hubby, because Stephen 'worshiped the NASCAR race at Bristol'.

Are we having fun yet?

Human Gene Pool Improvement
Source: PIG News Wire [03/22/14]

Our volunteer is a 21 year old Spanish lad whom we'll call Zap. With nothing better to do on that fateful Saturday, Zap and his friends decided to pose for a 'selfie' while standing atop a train carriage that was parked at the Andujar (Spain) train station.

Once he was up there, he filed his human gene pool improvement volunteer application after he made a fatal assumption. Certain the high voltage wire was not energized, Zap grabbed it. His 'application accepted' reality check was punctuated by a 35,000 volt exclamation point.

I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you and so was he.

Loser of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [03/14/14]

It played out like a movie script and, ironically enough, it closely resembled a scene in a Guy Ritchie flick, 'Snatch':

* Derek Rossi, 58 attempted to rob a betting shop in Holborn, London

* The staff in the Labrokes could not open the safe

* On his way out, Rossi accidentally fired his antique shotgun before dropping it on the street in front of the establishment

* Unable to locate the weapon, he removed his balaclava so he could pick it up

* His face was seen by dozens of witnesses

Thanks to those numerous eyewitnesses, he was bagged, tagged and dragged to a graybar suite in short order.

Source: PIG News Wire [03/07/14]

It was one of those days for a 34-year-old Brit. His fate was sealed the instant he painted a burglary bull's-eye on an 89 year old widow's abode in Waltham Abbey, Essex (J.O.E.). His plan, such as it was, didn't get 'er done.

The homeowner, Ilonka Simon, spooked our desperado hero when she spotted him in her back yard. He submitted his human gene pool improvement volunteer application, when he tried to escape by crawling under a fence.

The Daily Mail offered some thrilling 'application accepted' facts:

A burglar fleeing from an attempted raid on an 89-year-old widow's house died after his head was trapped under a wooden fence.

The 34-year-old man died from a suspected broken neck after a heavy wooden panel crashed down on his throat as he crawled underneath a fence in Waltham Abbey, Essex.

The accident is understood to have happened moments after the man was confronted by widow Ilonka Simon, who spotted him in her back garden.

Neighbours believed the 34-year-old intruder may have been 'guillotined' when he tried to crawl beneath the heavy panel, which crushed his neck.

Mark this one 'gotcha' on your HGPI scorecard.


Adventures In Animal Husbandry
Source: PIG News Wire [02/28/14]

Feeling bullish, two dudes - Michael Jones, 35, of Illion, NY and Reid Fontaine, 31, of Connecticut - paid a visit to a Herkimer, NY, farm for some poontang. If you're thinking 'farmer's daughter', get over it. These studs were hot for bovine pussy.

Troopers said the owner of a farm in Herkimer, NY, set up video surveillance in his barn in an attempt to determine why his cows appeared anxious and were not producing as usual.

The owner then contacted state police after the video revealed that the cows were being sexually abused, troopers said.

An investigation revealed that Jones agreed to record Fontaine as he attempted to have sexual contact with several of the animals.

Both men were arrested and charged with one count each of sexual misconduct, which is a misdemeanor. They were released on an appearance ticket.

When 'moo' is 'pillow talk', we're talking about a pair of sick puppies.

Disguise of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [02/15/14]

An Aussie hormone gorilla is already a contender for a spot on our year ending Golden Oinks awards. He got 'er done by arming himself with a chainsaw, then using - ta da - a FLOWER POT on his head to disguise his identity.

Nice try, dude:

Steven Frank Steele of Ipswich, Queensland, was arrested Monday after police responded to calls from terrified gas station employees.

Wearing the flower pot in an attempt to conceal his identity, Steele lunged at employees with the chainsaw and damaged a window and several display racks, police told the Queensland Times.

He also flashed his buttocks and stole a soda before leaving, according to police.

Authorities arrested him a short time later walking down the street. [WXII]

You'll be shocked, shocked, I tell you, to learn that our pothead was gunned on adult beverage at the time.

Devilish Detail Thwarts Desperado
Source: PIG News Wire [02/15/14]

After painting a bull's-eye on Sierra-West Jewelers in Sandy (Utah), Gene Richins put his plan into action. He started by breaking into the bakery next door to the jewelers, then used the ceiling, to get into the jewelers. So far, so good, but it was a one way trip. He'd need to exit some other way.

The first speed bump on the road to success was the motion sensor he triggered. Despite the blaring of the alarm, Gene smashed his way into a case, then loaded up his goodie bag with a variety of gold-filled and sterling items.

With the proper authorities en route, Gene road tested his exit strategy. His plan envisioned him smashing his way out. That's when he did a header into our crime-stopping devilish detail: the bulletproof glass wasn't easy to smash, even when he pummeled it with a fire extinguisher.

Screwed, Gene cut his losses, smoking a couple cancer sticks, while he waited to be bagged, tagged, and dragged to a Bee Hive State Graybar Suite.

Source: PIG News Wire [02/07/14]

A Windy City desperado, Andre Bacon, seemed to be up to the challenge when he sauntered into a garage then demanded that the homeowner hand over the keys to her 2012 Honda MDX. His plan hit a speed bump, when the woman ran out of the garage and locked him inside it, after handing him the car keys..

The cops found Andre sitting in the car with the keys in the ignition, when they opened the garage door. I'm willing to give him credit for his symbolic victory, while I'm laughing at this fool.


Source: PIG News Wire [01/31/14]

Being a cow is a real gas. In fact, if you ask some seaweed munching tree hugger, he, she, heshe, or it will tell you that the Southern end of a North bound bovine is a dire threat to our planet, since those methane laced cow farts are a major contributor to Global Warming, Climate Change...whatever they call it, these days.

Bovine farts may, or may not, pose a dire threat to the planet. I have issues with that contention. What isn't in doubt, is the role bovine butt whistling played in damaging a barn in Rasdorf (Germany).

A herd of dairy cows nearly lifted the roof off their barn in central Germany when methane released by the animals caused an explosion.

Police in Hesse state said in a statement that a static electric charge apparently triggered the detonation, and a spurt of flame, on Monday at a farm in Rasdorf. The roof was slightly damaged and one cow suffered light burns. No people were hurt.

Police say 90 cows are kept in the shed and it wasn't clear why quantities of methane had built up. Bovine belching and flatulence releases large quantities of the gas. [CNSNews]

I finish the way I started:, being a cow is a real gas.

Source: Golden Oinks [01/24/14]

Romantic Speed Bump of the Week: After spending quality time with his main squeeze, Anthony Turco (age 34) dropped his girlfriend off at her home. During the undoubtedly tender parting ritual with his sweetie, Anthony attracted the attention of Scott Baker (age 37). Who's he? Who indeed.

Annoyed -understandably so - Scott had unresolved issues with some dickhead dating Scott's wife. That's right Anthony's girlfriend is married. She's married to man who isn't the sharing, or forgiving, type.

Hubby chased boyfriend out of the house, then took out after boyfriend in an action packed car chase. After following him to a neighboring county, hubby rammed boy friend's ride. Armed with the proverbial blunt instrument, hubby walked toward boyfriend's ride.

Unwilling to exchange pleasantries, boyfriend reanimated his ride and got the hell out of Dodge. Hot on boyfriend's hells, hubby caught up with boyfriend, then rammed boyfriend's ride again, putting it out of commission. Armed with his blunt object, hubby smashed the windshield of boyfriend's ride, then made a few lasting impressions on the hood of boyfriend's ride. Having made his point, hubby beat a hasty retreat.

When the proper authorities caught up with hubby, they had a lot of pleasantries to discuss with him: simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, harassment, criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and multiple vehicle code violations. And you thought Romeo and Juliette had unresolved family complications.

Extra Crispy Moron of the Week: Our hero, Einstein, is, I presume, an Oregon dwelling Urban Camper. Unable to cope with the nasty chill in the air, Einstein built a fire to keep him warm. Mission accomplished?

Yes, and no. Yes, it made him warmer than he was. No, it didn't make him as warm as he wanted to be.

He poured gasoline on the fire, creating a nifty fireball which got bigger, when the gasoline can exploded. Human Gene Pool Improvement achieved? Nope, but Einstein and 3 cohorts won a free trip to the hospital.

It's glass half full time in the PIGdom

Literacy Counts
Source: PIG News Wire [01/11/14]0

It sounds like a scene from a Woody Allen movie. Jamal Garrett's plan to rob an Antioch (Mexifornia) Wells Fargo Bank hit a speed bump, when he handed a bank teller his note.

What happened? Nothing, because the teller couldn't read Jamal's note. Eventually, she summoned her manager, but the manager couldn't read it either. Spooked by the long teller-manager confab, Jamal took off out the bank's back door.

He didn't get far:

Bank staff eventually understood the suspect's intentions and notified police. Later, officers received a call reporting an unwanted guest at the nearby Somersville Towne Center. When they arrived on scene, they found 29-year-old Jamal Garrett who matched the description of the alleged bank robber. [Breitbart]

Jamal should spend his graybar suite time working on his literacy.

Crime Spree
Source: PIG News Wire [01/11/14]

Our desperado is 59 year old Laurie Chester. Her spree started, when she stole $13 from the tip jar in a Subway sandwich shop, then attempted to pay for her meal with it.

By the time cops arrived, she'd moved on to ply her trade at a Fred Meyer store and a Rite Aid. Next, she entered a Home Depot, where she filled a motorized shopping cart with merchandise, after which she drove it out the door through the parking lot, and right onto northbound U.S. Highway 101.

Bagged, tagged and dragged? Yup.


Felony Stupid
Source: PIG News Wire [01/04/14]

Armed with a shotgun and three handguns, the four Southern California desperados had a decided advantage, when they invaded a Lincoln Heights home early on a Saturday morning. Their numerical advantage - 4 to 1 - and their firepower advantage were no match for what one cop deemed felony stupidity.

The first speed bump happened at the onset, when the resident of the home they targeted spotted them on a home surveillance system, giving her ample time to dial 911 and summon help. From there things went from bad, to worse, then the brass ring of ineptitude, felony stupid.

Bad: One suspect made a run for it, when SWAT units arrived. He was bagged, tagged, and dragged, instantly.

Worse: Another suspect hid in the backyard, until a canine unit tracked him down.

Felony Stupid: Two men stayed in the house, did the math, then concluded they'd never get past the cops, unless...you're going to love this part:

The two men inside then allegedly told the resident to identify them to police as victims too, and convinced the resident to tie them up in the home, according to police.

The resident obliged, and fled the home, telling the police what had happened while the two suspects remained tied up inside.

Police did not immediately enter the residence, LAPD Officer Norma Eisenman said. After some time the suspects "got tired of waiting" and emerged. "They came out, still tied up, thinking that we were going to believe they were victims also," Eisenman said. "That's what you call felony stupid." [LAT]

Felony stupid? You better believe it.

© Copyright 1993-2014 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette

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