Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.La
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Dying With "Dignity"
As we each come to the realization that we have far more miles behind us than ahead of us, this is something we each should consider...
Dying With Dignity
I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home which would allow me to die with dignity.
Therefore, I have moved to Ecuador so that I can spend my final years enjoying life and dying with Dignity!
Dignity said to say hello!
We Need More Tolerance
Higgs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says. "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others. Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!
For You Romantics
For you true romantics
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
National Breast Appreciation Day
Yesterday was National Female Breast Appreciation Day.
Beats the shit out of Martin Luther King Day, didn't it?
How To Predict A Pat Down
I Bet You Spotted It Right Off!
Yep...The Suitcase Doesn't Have A Name Tag On It!
Gwen was one of those UGLY women that she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.
Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought:
"The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins” She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But, incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, and thinking she'd died, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said:
"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!,… ONE AT A TIME!"
An Italian Mamma
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa
Never Bulla Shita you MaMa
A Real Businessman
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?
Now, that's a REAL Businessman!
Two Statements that speak volumes:
Irony 1: “We are told NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics."
BUT on the other hand…"We are also encouraged TO judge ALL Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics."
How is that supposed to work.....??????
Irony 2: The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 47 million people as of the most recent figures available in 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Thus Ends Today's Lesson On Irony
Let's Move To Texas
TEXAS FOLDS UNDER PRESSURE
It's hard to believe, but Texas has followed the idiot newspaper up in New York, and released a map of the location of all its gun owners.
Their locations are marked by red dots on the attached Texas map.
A Laughing Matter
Grandpas And Grandmas
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who
always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a
drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't
feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward
to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the
rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with
grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We
didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard,
dipshit , Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
The Light Finally Came On
I become confused when I hear the word "Service " used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
US Postal 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Federal, State, City, & Public 'Service'
This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to 'Service' his cows.
BAM ! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
DISNEY GOES GHETTO
Disney in an uproar......Being filmed in Detroit
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Shank, have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go".
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
Here's the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
1. Cashstration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people which stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 1
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown .
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soulflies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
OBAMA RATED 5TH BEST PRESIDENT EVER!
Of the total of 44 US Presidents: Obama rated 5th best president ever.
I was just reading a Democratic publicity release that said, "... after a
little more than 4 years, Obama has been rated the 5th best president ever."
The details according to White House Publicists:
* Reagan, Lincoln, and 8 others tied for first,
* 15 presidents tied for second,
* 17 other presidents tied for third,
* Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and
* Obama came in fifth.
FOR THE REAL WEEKEND WARRIORS
Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!
Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?
1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.
Did you figure it out?
Try hard before looking at the answers.
Did you get it yet?
Brace yourself for the answer....
The Answer is:
NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded God.
NOTHING is greater than God.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in
the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few
more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Thibodeaux and Boudreaux entered a chocolate store. As they were looking at the candy, Thibodeaux stole 3 chocolate bars. When they left the store Thibodeaux said to Boudreaux, "I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me put them in my pocket. You can’t beat that.
Boudreaux replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back
to the shop and I'll show you real stealing. I'll steal while the shopkeeper is watching me and he won't even know."
So they went to the counter and Boudreaux said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see a great magic trick?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes"
Boudreaux said: "Give me three chocolate bars. "
The shopkeeper gave him three chocolate bars and Boudreaux ate all three.
The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"
Boudreaux replied: "Look in Thibodeaux's pocket."
WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS AND NOT WIVES
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night and ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least...to test theses theories, lock your dog and your wife in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE
Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE MAN Of Your House.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house, and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, we're going upstairs, and we'll have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back, and towel me dry, and bring me my
robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me, and comb my hair?"
His Sicilian wife Nancy replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH
Publisher's Note: This one is for all the ladies that wished they had not only been there, but done that.
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
OLD DAYS AND OLD WAYS
1910 Ford Model R
Show this to your friends, children and/or grandchildren!
This will boggle your mind; I know it did mine!
The year is 1910 one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:
************ ********* ************
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as ''substandard.''
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
4. Heart disease
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada , was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, ''Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.''
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U. S. A. !
I am now going to forward this to someone else without retyping it myself which I would have had to do in 1910... From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD - all in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
COMPLETE vs FINISHED
How very astute of Mr. Balgobin!
FYI - No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25-year-old Eldorado rum for his answer.
ONLY IN SOUTH CAROLINA
GREENVILLE , SC -- Breaking News
June 11, 2012
Greenville County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported two local men were
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. Early Monday shortly after midnight,
Thurston Poole, 33, of Mauldin, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Easley,
were returning to Mauldin after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast
Sunday night , Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two
men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had
burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed
that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fitted perfectly into the
fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet
the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men
proceeded on eastbound.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole
in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the
pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to
repair the damage to his testicles, which will never again operate as
intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his
balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this
is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this
accident happened," said Deputy Snyder. Upon being notified of the
wreck, Lavinia ( Poole ’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had
caught and did anyone get them from the truck?
A MEDICAL MIRACLE
A Pakistani muslim goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".
The Doctor says "You need to piss and shit in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish, and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head, and inhale the vapours for 3 days".
The man does this, and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick...!"
FOR THE LADIES
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
DeWALT NAIL GUN
Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn't normally even know what he'd like for Father's Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it:
New Nail Gun, made by DeWalt.
It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Hundred round magazine.
A must have in every home in America!
For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house!
In view of the recent Supreme Court ruling, sales of this new product may skyrocket.
Washington thinks they are going to take away our guns, so check this out. I like it!
NAIL GUNS! AND, you don't even have to REGISTER them or have LICENSES for them!
AND, you don't have to worry about them being CONCEALED!
Just a LOT of good stuff to do with THIS!
Someone invades your home, just nail his ass.
Thank you, DeWalt!!!
Gwen was one of those UGLY women that she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.
Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.
Gwen left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought:
"The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins” She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But, incredibly Gwen didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, and thinking she'd died, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said:
"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!,… ONE AT A TIME!"
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors.
The rest are all my friends.
Wonder which one is going to bring him back to life faster?
My money is riding on the one on the right.
TEXAS TRANSLATIONS OF CALIFORNIA EUPHEMISMS
California: Arsenal of weapons
Texas: Gun collection
CA: Delicate wetlands
CA: Undocumented worker
TX: Illegal alien
CA: Cruelty-free materials
TX: Synthetic fiber
CA: Assault and battery
TX Attitude adjustment
CA: Heavily armed
CA: Taxes or your fair share
TX: Coerced theft
CA: Commonsense gun control
TX: Gun confiscation plot
CA: Illegal hazardous explosives
TX: Fireworks or stump removal
CA: Nonviable tissue mass
TX: Unborn baby
CA: Equal access to opportunity
CA: Multicultural community
TX: High crime area
CA: Fairness or social progress
CA: Upper class or "the rich"
CA: Progressive, change
TX: Big government scheme
CA: Homeless or disadvantaged
TX: Bums or welfare leeches
CA: Sniper rifle
TX: Scoped deer rifle
CA: Investment for the future
TX: Hither taxes
CA: Healthcare reform
TX: Socialized medicine
CA: Extremist, judgmental, or hater
CA: Victim or oppressed
TX: Criminal or lazy good-for-nothing
CA: High capacity magazine
TX: Standard capacity magazine
CA: Religious zealot
CA: Reintroduced wolves
TX: Sheep and elk killers
CA: Fair trade coffee
TX: Overpriced yuppie coffee
CA: Exploiters or "the rich"
TX: Employed or land owner
CA: The gun lobby
TX: NRA members
CA: Assault weapon
TX: Semi-auto (Grandpa's M1 carbine)
CA: Fiscal stimulus
TX: New taxes and higher taxes
CA: Same sex marriage
TX: Legalized perversion
CA: Mandated eco-friendly lighting
TX: Chinese mercury-laden light bulbs
OLD PEOPLE AND THE GREEN THING
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman,
that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't
good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back
in my earlier days."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not
care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the
store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized
and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they
really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store
and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into
a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was
right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our
clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their
brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is
right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hand- kerchief (remember
them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we
blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do
everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we
used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic
bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just
to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We
exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on
treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have
the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a
plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing
pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor
blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because
the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi
service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of
sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized
gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space
in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks
were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in
conservation from a smartass young person.
• Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
• The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.
She's 21 years old and her name's Katerina...
• I got fired last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, "Hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'"
• Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him New Orleans.
A Southern Baptist preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Tyrone got in line. When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"
Tyrone answered, "I don't know, Man. It ain't 'til next week.
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my family room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night longAre you busy tonight?”
I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.
A Dr. on TV said that in order to have inner peace, we should always finish things that we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!!
PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
The Washington Post, once again, has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. I thought that you might enjoy these creative “alternative definitions” for common words.
This is further proof that some people in our society have lots of free time on their hands.
The contest winners follow.
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
A MESSAGE FROM A YOUNG DEMOCRAT
1 What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? .
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ....
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ....
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ....
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ....
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ...
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ...
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .....
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins? ....
11. What's the definition of confusion? ...
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker
13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don't do dick.
This is straight forward country thinking...
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim
3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim
10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim
11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim
ASKING FOR A RAISE
Employee : Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss : Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee : Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss : Yes.
Employee : I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss : A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee : I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss : Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee : Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss : Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee : Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
A Speech Every American High School Principal Should Give....
By Dennis Prager.
To the students and faculty of our high school:
I am your new principal, and honored to be so. There is no greater calling than to teach young people.
I would like to apprise you of some important changes coming to our school. I am making these changes because I am convinced that most of the ideas that have dominated public education in America have worked against you, against your teachers and against our country.
First, this school will no longer honor race or ethnicity. I could not care less if your racial makeup is black, brown, red, yellow or white. I could not care less if your origins are African, Latin American, Asian or European, or if your ancestors arrived here on the Mayflower or on slave ships. The only identity I care about, the only one this school
will recognize, is your individual identity -- your character, your scholarship, your humanity. And the only national identity this school will care about is American.
This is an American public school, and American public schools were
created to make better Americans. If you wish to affirm an ethnic,
racial or religious identity through school, you will have to go
elsewhere. We will end all ethnicity, race and non-American
nationality-based celebrations. They undermine the motto of America ,
one of its three central values -- e pluribus Unum, "from many, one."
And this school will be guided by America 's values. This includes all
after-school clubs. I will not authorize clubs that divide students
based on any identities. This includes race, language, religion, sexual
orientation or whatever else may become in vogue in a
society divided by political correctness.
Your clubs will be based on interests and passions, not blood, ethnic,
racial or other physically defined ties. Those clubs just cultivate
narcissism -- an unhealthy preoccupation with the self -- while the
purpose of education is to get you to think beyond yourself. So we will
have clubs that transport you to the wonders and glories of art, music,
astronomy, languages you do not already speak, carpentry and more. If
the only extracurricular activities you can imagine being interested in
are those based on ethnic, racial or sexual identity, that means that
little outside of yourself really interests you.
Second, I am uninterested in whether English is your native language. My
only interest in terms of language is that you leave this school
speaking and writing English as fluently as possible. The English
language has united America 's citizens for over 200 years, and it will
unite us at this school.. It is one of the indispensable reasons this
country of immigrants has always come to be one country. And if you
leave this school without excellent English language skills, I would be
remiss in my duty to ensure that you will be prepared to successfully
compete in the American job market. We will learn other languages here
-- it is deplorable that most Americans only speak English --but if you
want classes taught in your native language rather than in English, this
is not your school.
Third, because I regard learning as a sacred endeavor, everything in
this school will reflect learning's elevated status. This means, among
other things, that you and your teachers will dress accordingly. Many
people in our society dress more formally for Hollywood events than for
church or school. These people have their priorities backward.
Therefore, there will be a formal dress code at this school.
Fourth, no obscene language will be tolerated anywhere on this school's
property -- whether in class, in the hallways or at athletic events. If
you can't speak without using the f-word, you can't speak. By obscene
language I mean the words banned by the Federal Communications
Commission, plus epithets such as "Nigger," even when used by one black
student to address another black, or "bitch," even when addressed by a
girl to a girlfriend. It is my intent that by the time you leave this
school, you will be among the few your age to instinctively distinguish
between the elevated and the degraded, the holy and the obscene.
Fifth, we will end all self-esteem programs. In this school, self-esteem
will be attained in only one way -- the way people attained it until
decided otherwise a generation ago -- by earning it. One immediate
consequence is that there will be one valedictorian, not eight.
Sixth, and last, I am reorienting the school toward academics and away
from politics and propaganda. No more time will be devoted to scaring
you about smoking and caffeine, or terrifying you about sexual
harassment or global warming. No more semesters will be devoted to
condom wearing and teaching you to regard sexual relations as only or
primarily a health issue. There will be no more attempts to convince you
that you are a victim because you are not white, or not male, or not
heterosexual or not Christian. We will have failed if any one of you
graduates this school and does not consider him or herself inordinately
lucky -- to be alive and to be an American.
Now, please stand and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of
our country. As many of you do not know the words, your teachers will
hand them out to you.
Item #1: A Cup of Tea
This is toooo precious.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
Item #2: Wine
Does wine make you fat ?
Wine does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN...
...Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Item #3: School Buses
School Bus In Japan
School Bus In India
And which country do you get when you have a technical problem
with your computer?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
SHE WAS SOOOOOOO BLONDE...
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,"Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front".
THINGS CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nail to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?'
The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'
'Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.'
I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall,with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
CATHOLIC BRAGGING RIGHTS
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter."
" 24" waist and 34" hips."
"When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
140 MILLION TO 1...
President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF THE TIMES
USEFUL INTERPRETATIONS OF GRAPHS
LITTLE JOHNNY GOES TO CHURCH
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap.
Four worms and a lesson to be learned.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Little Johnny was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis.
*Publishers Note: For more of this educational odyssey, kindly refer to this link:
>>> Paraprosdokian >>>
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
VASELINE AND THE MOTORCYCLE
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,
But still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted....
'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
OUT OF THE CLOSET AND IN YOUR FACE, RAUF
Many people are supporting a new gay bar to be built next to the new Muslim Mosque at Ground Zero. Since Americans should be tolerant of the feelings of Muslims, then the Muslims should be tolerant of the feelings of gay Americans.
Here are some names for the new bar:
My Pet Goat
You Mecca Me Hot
Filthy Omar’s Rusty Trombone
The Arabian Queen
Goat’s Night Off
The Pink Prophet
The Leather Burqa
Pig in a Poke
Sheiks & Freaks
Sodom and Gonorrhea
Osama Bin Dover
The Exploding Goat
Weapons of Ass Destruction
Anderson Cooper’s Apartment
The Sticky Prophet
Nuclear Fuel Rods
The Gaza Stripper
The Sandy Gerbil
The Camel’s Hump
Hide the Minaret
DATE RAPE DRUG ALERT FOR MEN
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer'.
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here: Beer Demo
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my solid-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and most of my fellow students travel by train.
Your loving son, Nasser day,
Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad
Think You’re Having a Bad Day?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....
Still Think You’re Having a Bad Day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still Having a Bad Day? Just Remember, it Could Be Worse.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdes oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still Think You’re Having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL Think You’re Having a Bad Day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What? Still Having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There, Feeling Better Now?
"LIFE THOUGHTS" By DALE DUCK
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper Sticker Of The Year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
A FIRE CHIEF'S EXPLANATION
In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
6 LA, Hispanic, gang banger ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.
A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?
The fire chief said, "They were at work"
COMMENTS ON REPORT CARDS
These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
EVER WONDER WHAT YOUR PETS DO WHILE YOU'RE AT WORK?
THE ULTIMATE BUMPER STICKER
NANA'S LITTLE HELPERS
If Big-Chested women work at Hooters...
...where do One-Legged women work?
Don't give up!
This one's easy!
KEEP ON TICKING!
When will I learn...?
My neighbors, the two cute young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!
It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said…
"I wanna watch!"
BETCHA DIDN'T KNOW...
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
• They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery....if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
• Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell...brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
• Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
• The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
• In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
• Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
• Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust...
• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
• England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...
And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
SEX WITH A COWBOY
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo...And...
3. She wanted to have sex with a local cowboy.
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
'Let me tell you, they have a bush down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook the brisket over that Mesquite wood it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'
'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes. Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'
Then came the big question, 'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
'Are you kidding?
When I saw the size of the condoms they carry in their back pockets I changed my mind!'
Brought to you by:
FORMULA FOR AMERICA'S FUTURE
LOGIC: TWISTED BUT TRUE
What a unique way to look at things!
Written by a 82 year old very wise lady. She gives us a whole new slant on the amazing job Obama is doing:
That is right - I will say it "(THANK GOD FOR THE PRESIDENT)."
1. He destroyed the Clinton Political Machine - Driving a stake thru the heart of Hillary's Presidential aspirations - something that no Republican was never able to do. Remember when a Hillary Presidency scared the daylights out of you!
2. He killed off the Kennedy Dynasty - No more Kennedy's trolling Washington looking for booze and women wanting rides home. American women and Freedom are safer tonight!
3. He is destroying the Democratic Party before our eyes!
Dennis Moore had never lost a race - quit
Evan Bayh had never lost a race - quit
Byron Dorgan had never lost a race - quit
Harry Reid - soon to be GONE
These are just a handful of the Democrats whose political careers Obama has destroyed! By the end of 2010 dozens more will be gone.
In December of 2008 the Democrats were on the rise. In the last two election cycles they had picked up 14 senate seats and 52 house seats. The press was touting the death of the Conservative Movement and the Republican Party. In just one year, Obama put a stop to all of this and will probably give the house, if not the senate back to the Republicans.
4. He has completely exposed liberals and progressives for what they are. Every Generation seems to need to relearn the lesson on why they should never actually put liberals in charge. He is bringing home the lesson very well.
Liberals tax, borrow and spend - check
Liberals won't bring themselves to protect America - check
Liberals want to take over the economy - check
Liberals think they know what is best for everyone - check
Liberals aren't happy till they are running YOUR life - check
5. He has brought more Americans back to conservatism than anyone since Reagan. In one year he has rejuvenated the Conservative movement and brought out to the streets millions of Freedom Loving Americans. Name me one other time in your life that you saw your friends and neighbors this interested in taking back America!
6. His amazing leadership has sparked the greatest period of sales of firearms and ammunition this country has seen. Law abiding citizens have rallied and have provided a "stimulus" to the sporting goods field while other industries have failed, faded or moved off-shore.
7. In all honesty one year ago I was more afraid than I have been in my life. Not of the economy but of the direction our country was going. I thought Americans had forgotten what this country was all about. My neighbors, friends and strangers proved to me that my lack of confidence of the Greatness and Wisdom of the American people was flat wrong.
8. When the American People wake up no smooth talking teleprompter reader can fool them!
Barack Obama woke up these Great Americans! Again I want to say Thank You Barack Obama! This is exactly the kind of hope and change we desperately needed.
CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
IS THIS KID A NEIGHBOR?
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little shit.
President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York .
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his red sisters and brothers.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle”. The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Obama.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
DO YOU KNOW HER?
I'm not sure who this woman is...
...but she claims she knows you.
HEAVEN AND HELL
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in n heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.. .
Today you voted."
What did Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower have in common?
Back during The Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American citizens that desperately needed work.
Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to create jobs for returning veterans.
And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 3 million Mexican Nationals!
The program was called 'Operation Wetback'. It was done so WWII and Korean Veterans would have a better chance at jobs. It took 2 Years, but they deported them!
Now...if they could deport the illegal's back then - they could sure do it today?
lf you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter Operation Wetback into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself.
Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes... 20 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you!
That's right 20 million Illegal aliens.
YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF...
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your a** with your bare hand, but consider bacon "UNCLEAN".
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
I just want to let you know, you took away my favorite singer - Elvis Presley.
You took away my favorite actor - Patrick Swayze.
You took away my favorite actress - Farah Fawcett.
I just wanted to let you know my favorite president is - Barack Obama.
THE INS DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' BADGES
I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to my friend is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.
The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King, and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, but to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.
So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.
They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.
After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch-time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.
It has been ten days now.
The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes, along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and the INS said basically, "Have at it!"
SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
A LITTLE BIT OF BIGOTRY GOES A LONG WAY
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians Can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says, 'Fill the f***ing thing with water.'
"I'm Tired" by Robert A. Hall
I'll be 63 soon. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce, and a six-month period when I was between jobs but job-hunting every day, I've worked hard, since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven't called in sick for seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there's no retirement in sight, and I'm tired. Very tired.
I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth around" to people who don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy or stupid to earn it.
I'm tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to "keep people in their homes." Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I'm willing to help. But if they bought McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the left-wing Congress-critters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble, help them with their own money.
I'm tired of being told how bad America is by left-wing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros, and Hollywood entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers.
In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the economy of Zimbabwe, the freedom of the press of China , the crime and violence of Mexico, the tolerance of Iran for Christian people, and the freedom of speech of Venezuela .
Won't multiculturalism be beautiful?
I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "religion of peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christians and Jews because they aren't "believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls, all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and Shari'a law tell them to.
I believe "a man should be judged by the content of his character, not by the color of his skin." I'm tired of being told that "race doesn't matter" in the post-racial world of Obama, when it's all that matters in affirmative-action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment of US Senators from Illinois.
I think it's very cool that we have a black president and that a black child is doing her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the Emancipation Proclamation. I just wish the black president was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom and the individual, and less arrogantly of an all-knowing government.
I'm tired of a news media that thinks Bush's fundraising and inaugural expenses were obscene, but that think Obama's, at triple the cost, were wonderful; that Bush exercising daily was a waste of presidential time, but Obama exercising is a great example for the public to control weight and stress; that picked over every line of Bush's military records, but never demanded that Kerry release his; that slammed Palin, with two years as governor, for being too inexperienced for VP, but touted Obama with three years as senator as potentially the best president ever. Wonder why people are dropping their subscriptions, or switching to Fox News? Get a clue. I didn't vote for Bush in 2000, but the media and Kerry drove me to his camp in 2004.
I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America , while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue, or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live.Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore's, and if you're greener than Gore, you're green enough.
I'm tired of illegal aliens being called "undocumented workers," especially the ones who aren't working, but are living on welfare or crime. What's next? Calling drug dealers, "undocumented pharmacists"? And, no, I'm not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic, and it's been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I'm willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person who can speak English, doesn't have a criminal record and who is self-supporting, without family on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our military. Those are the citizens we need.
I'm tired of latte-liberals and journalists, who would never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves nor let their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting station, trashing our military. They and their kids can sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions under life-and-death circumstances, and bad mouth better people than themselves.
Do bad things happen in war? You bet.
Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure.
Does this compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our enemies for the last fifty years and still are? Not even close.
So here's the deal. I'll let myself be subjected to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let themselves be subject to captivity by the Muslims who tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we'll compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only troops in history that civilians came to for help and handouts, instead of hiding from in fear.
I'm tired of people telling me that their party has a corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on corruption. Read the papers - bums are bipartisan. And I'm tired of people telling me we need bipartisanship. I live in Illinois, where the "Illinois Combine" of Democrats has worked to loot the public for years. Not to mention the tax cheats in Obama's cabinet, as well.
I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers, and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
Speaking of poor, I'm tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn't have that in 1970, but we didn't know we were "poor". The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.
I'm real tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination, or big whatever for their problems.
Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 63. Because mostly, I'm not going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for my granddaughter.
Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts State Senate.
Okay.........here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working:
Which one do you think is the blonde?
Amazing! I did not see it before.
The blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
Hey...I didn't pass the test either.
THE REWARD FOR BECOMING AMERICAN
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . .. . and -- PING! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand
'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans, and -- PING! -- the man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .
NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .
The fairy said 'Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared.
Understanding Engineers - One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Two
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Four
Q. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A. Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him And said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
A LETTER FROM GRANDPA
John G. Is 63 years old and owns a small business. He's a life-long Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year has all but evaporated. With the stock market crashing and new taxes coming his way, John assumes now that he will work to his dying day.
John has a granddaughter. Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a flashy hybrid car, wears all the latest fashions, and loves to go out to nightclubs and restaurants. Ashley campaigned hard for Barack Obama. After the election she made sure her grandfather (and all other Republican family members) received a big I told-you-so earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now that her party is taking over.
Having lost both roommates, Ashley recently ran short of cash and cannot pay the rent (again) on her 3 bedroom townhouse. Like she has done many times in the past, she e-mailed her grandfather asking for some financial help.
Here is his reply:
I received your request for assistance.
Ashley, you know I love you dearly and I 'm sympathetic to your financial plight. Unfortunately, times have changed. With the election of Obama, your grandmother and I have had to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own..."The Ashley Economic Empowerment Plan." Let me explain.
Your grandmother and I are life-long, wage-earning taxpayers. We have lived a comfortable life, as you know, but we have never had the fancier things like European vacations, luxury cars, etc. We have worked hard and were looking forward to retiring soon. But the plan has changed. Your president is raising our personal and business taxes significantly. He says it is so he can give our hard earned money to other people. Do you know what this means, Ashley? It means less for us, and we must cut back on many business and personal expenses.
You know the wonderful receptionist who worked in my office for more than 23 years? The one who always gave you candy when you came over to visit? I had to let her go last week. I can't afford to pay her salary and all of the government mandated taxes that go with having employees. Your grandmother will now work 4 days a week to answer phones, take orders and handle the books. We will be closed on Fridays and will lose even more income to the Wal-Mart.
I'm also very sorry to report that your cousin Frank will no longer be working summers in the warehouse. I called him at school this morning. He already knows about it and he's upset because he will have to give up skydiving and his yearly trip to Greenland to survey the polar bears.
That's just the business side of things. Some personal economic effects of Obama's new taxation policies include none other than you. You know very well that over the years your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance, food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc. But by your vote, you have chosen to help others -- not at your expense -- but at our expense.
If you need money now sweetheart, I recommend you call 202-456-1111. That is the direct phone number for the White House. You yourself told me how foolish it is to vote Republican. You said Obama is going to be the People's President, and is going to help every American live a better life.
Based on everything you've told me, along with all the promises we heard during the campaign, I'm sure Obama will be happy to transfer some stimulus money into your bank account. Have him call me for the account number which I memorized years ago.
Perhaps you can now understand what I've been saying all my life: those who vote for a president should consider the impact on the nation as a whole, and not be just concerned with what they can get for themselves. What Obama supporters don't seem to realize is all of the money he is redistributing to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans (the so-called "less fortunate") comes from tax-paying families.
Remember how you told me, "Only the richest of the rich will be affected"?
Well guess what, honey? Because we own a business, your grandmother and I are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it might look that way, but in the real world, we are far from it.
As you said while campaigning for Obama, some people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America can prosper. You understand what that means, right? It means that raising taxes on productive people results in them having less money; less money for everything, including granddaughters.
I'm sorry, Ashley, but the well has run dry. The free lunches are over. I have no money to give you now. So, congratulations on your choice for "change." For future reference, I encourage you to try and add up the total value of the gifts and cash you have received from us, just since you went off to college, and compare it to what you expect to get from Obama over the next 4 (or 8) years. I have not kept track of it, Ashley. It has all truly been the gift of our hearts.
Remember, we love you dearly....but from now on you'll need to call the number mentioned above.
Your "Savior" has the money we would have given to you. Just try and get it from him.
Good luck, sweetheart.
CBS DIDN'T STOP HIM
Andy Rooney said on '60 Minutes' a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING, MARTHA BURKE ?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right 'NOT' to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich; I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more.. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say 'NO!'
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of 'Political Correctness.' I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa ; so how can they be 'African-Americans'? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe... I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough ....
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having 'In God We Trust' on our money and having 'God' in the Pledge of Allegiance... Why don't we just tell the 14% to BE QUIET!!!
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey oldman, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the oldman's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.
When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
A really cute, well endowed, female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything
you say can and will be held against you..."
The drunk says:
YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF...
1.... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2.... You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3.... You have more wives than teeth.
4.... You wipe your a** with your bare hand, but consider bacon "UNCLEAN".
5.... You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6.... You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7.... You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8.... You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9.... You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10.... You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
WHEN YOU GROW UP?
For homework, a class was asked to draw their parents at work.
This is Jessica’s drawing:
Here's the letter the teacher received the next day:
Dear Mrs. Jackson,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Bunnings (hardware store) and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week after the floods hit.
I told her we sold out every single shovel we had and then I found one more in stock and several people were fighting over who would get it.
Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last shovel we had in the store.
From now on I will remember to check her homework before she hands it in.
PC, AGGIE STYLE
Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was "Political Correctness."
The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
This guy has nailed it.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad people in Africa are donating money to Americans.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
MARTINIS AND I.Q.
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs', etc..
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have.
"A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".
So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?
This time the man drawled out "Uh..... 'bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?"
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it.
THE WHITE HOUSE DOES TAKE IT'S TOLL
Wow this is not so easy!! This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions.They are straight questions with straight answers
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year.. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5.. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words.. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9.. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends...
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.....
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute..)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons...
Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ...
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
It grew inside the bottle.
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. Three English words beginning with "dw"?
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar..
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets,
parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh...
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts
GOD BLESS OKLAHOMA
Your Lesson For Today.
How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ?
Do you think you know how?
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma.
The proper way is:
OKLA.... (with a pause) ... HOMA
(There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'.)
I can prove it..........................................
There, you learned something today!
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves.
Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5.. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
And, Most importantly: At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts.
COOL T-SHIRT DESIGNS
GET OFF THE PHONE...NOW!!!
THE BLONDE PATIENT
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having her tonsils out."
MEXICAN WORDS OF THE DAY
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken Wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
MALE vs. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine..
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9... Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26.. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe
their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. . Air Force and other federal agencies and Organizations
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Charles E. Schumer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.
No wonder they all support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know.
We can't verify which ones are real and which ones are Photoshop jobs, but we like the spirit behind them all.
HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence…
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon...
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away…He didn't explain, defend, or deny…He said nothing….
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home....and left it there all night !!!
You gotta love Frank!!!
CREATIVE WORD PLAY
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
BAD ECONOMY INDICATORS
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, --
--but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --
--and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --
--it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --
--and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France --
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. --
--They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. --
--Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. --
--The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism --
--is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--
-- Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, --
--'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road --
--is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --
--was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --
--is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet --
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --
--they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: --
--Practice safe sects!
The Top Twelve Indicators That The Economy Is Bad:
12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hot-Wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM In the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.
6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning the names Of their kids.
5. The highest paid job is jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"
3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on for you.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And the number one indicator tht the economy is bad:-
1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Story from Houston Medical Center:
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his Hoo Hoo. According to the nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his HooHoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your HooHoo.
PROOFREADING, A DYING ART
3) Or finding out your HooHoo fits through your wedding ring.
Headline: Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Snarky Response: This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Headline: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, expert says
Response: No crap, really? Ya think?
Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Response: Now that's taking things a bit far!
Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Response: What a guy!
Headline: Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Response: No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Response: See if that works any better than a fair trial!
Headline: War Dims Hope for Peace
Response: I can see where it might have that effect!
Headline: If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Response: Ya think?!
Headline: Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Response: Who would have thought!
Headline: Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Response: They may be on to something!
Headline: Red Ape Holds Up New Bridges
Response: You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Headline: Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
Response: He probably IS the battery charge!
Headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Response: Weren't they fat enough?!
Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Response: That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Response: Do they taste like chicken?
Headline: Local High school Dropouts Cut in Half
Response: Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Headline: Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Response: Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Response: Did I read that right?
WISE GUYS ON WOMEN
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together...
- Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Women inspire us to do great things, and prevent us from achieving them.
The great question...which I have not been able to answer....is, 'What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
- Henny Youngman
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
- Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
- James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.....
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Henny Youngman
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'..
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
First Guy (proudly):
'My wife's an angel!'
'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
WHY PARENTS DRINK
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
A CAT NAMED LUCKY...
If you are expecting a heart-wrenching story about a cat that got run over by a truck, lost a leg and dragged himself 100 kilometers after being bitten by a snake?
Normally, I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching.
I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it.
Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.
This is so beautiful...
A little boy said to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there, Barak!
From what I can remember about that party,
you're lucky you don't bark!"
REALISTICALLY OR POTENTIALLY
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
PSYCHIATRISTS vs. BARTENDERS
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him that I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
29 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60
Drafting Guys over 60 - New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S-of-a-B....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
A LETTER FROM THE BOSS
As CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barak Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
They voted for change, and I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
A FEW PONDERISMS
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION
The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, LEAVE!
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got NICE house'
LIBERTY: CAMP DODGE STYLE
I find it amazing that this photo, taken so many years ago, actually still exists!
And now, someone has put it online for all of us to see. This INCREDIBLE picture was taken in 1918.
It is 18,000 men preparing for war in a training camp at Camp Dodge, in Iowa.
EIGHTEEN THOUSAND MEN!!!!!
What a priceless gift from our grandfathers!
Base to Shoulder: 150 feet
Right Arm: 340 feet
Widest part of arm holding torch: 12 1/2 feet
Right thumb: 35 feet
Thickest part of body: 29 feet
Left hand length: 30 feet
Face: 60 feet
Nose: 21 feet
Longest spike of head piece: 70 feet
Torch and flame combined: 980 feet
Number of men in flame of torch: 12,000
Number of men in torch: 2,800
Number of men in right arm: 1,200
Number of men in body, head and balance of figure only: 2,000
Total men: 18,000
This has been posted and circulated many times before, but we thought of sticking a not so gentle reminder your way.
I Thought you might appreciate this . . .
In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, a total of 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated.
China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million educated people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because of gun control: 56 million.
It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by their own government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million dollars. The first year results are now in:
List of 7 items: Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!
In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent. Note, that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not, and criminals still possess their guns!
While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.
There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the ELDERLY. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort, and expense was expended in successfully ridding Australian society of guns. The Australian experience and the other historical facts above prove it.
You won't see this data on the US evening news, or hear politicians disseminating this information. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens.
Take note my fellow Americans, before it's too late!
The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind them of this history lesson.
With guns, we are 'citizens'.
Without them, we are 'subjects'.
During WWII the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew most Americans were ARMED!
Any of you who have every worked on a state telephone line can appreciate this.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of ringing current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
SUCKULUS PLAN INFORMATION
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, or hookers since those are the only businesses still in the US.
FINANCIAL PLANNING 101
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Financial Planning: Long Term, The Car Is Cheaper.
This just in from E-Harmony, a matchmaking agency regarding an applicant's answer to their qualifing questions.
My Dear Friend,
Your application to join our online dating agency has been officialy rejected.
One of the questions we asked on the application was:
'What do you like most in a woman?'
'My penis is not an appropriate answer.'
Thank you for your interest.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
-The staff at E-Harmony.com
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me...
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not takin g on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on OUR SIDE of the road, or not. The chicken is either AGAINST US, or for us. There is no MIDDLE GROUND here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .... Reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Our favorite cranky old broad has the following words of wisdom.
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Barrack Hussein Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden when elected.
So, Osama himself decided to send Barrack Hussein Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Howard Dean. Dean and the DNC and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden.
Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.
Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it. And within a minute McCain's Staff e-mailed Obama with this reply:
'Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down'
OBITUARY: THE DEATH OF COMMON SENSE
An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting and
sadly rather true
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
PROFESSOR BILL COSBY
'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa ...
I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.
I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England, Ireland, or the Netherlands. The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa. So stop, already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ..... and all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
NEW FORD FOCUS
Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
I recently bought a new Focus and had to return to the dealer the next day because I could not get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the Focus has Sync and the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie,' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles,' and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said, 'BeAtles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, 'Ass Holes!'
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on Guitar, Al Gore on drum, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Damn! I LOVE this car.
STRANGE BED PARTNERS
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his
genitals, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
THE ITALIAN GOLFER
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the
doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy
is in and asks, 'How do you stay in
such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says
the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before
daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino,
and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that
helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're
80 year s old and your Dad's still alive.
How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian
golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and then we went to the topless
beach for a walk and had a little vino
and that's why he's still alive.
He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How
about your Dad's Dad? How old was he *when he died?'
'Who said my grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're
80 years old and your grandfather's still
*living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He' s 118 year s old,' says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-
old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
OBAMA AND ST. PETER
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.
He asks the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and what did you do on
The fellow says, 'I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States '
St. Peter says, 'The U.S.A.? Black President? You gotta be kidding me!
Obama says, 'About ten minutes ago.
When did this happen?'
TRUE ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com'.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, 'How, dear?'
And Dot replied,
'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said, 'We need a name that reflects what we are.
And Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'YAHOO!' said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there."
THANKS HOMELAND SECURITY
Check For Your Driver's License Online
I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Now
you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including
I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security!
to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable!!! Just
enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file.
After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked
"Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but
not from law enforcement.
notify all your friends so they can protect themselves, too.
Believe me they will thank you for it.
Your Driver's License From Public View By Clicking The Link
Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told
her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really. Small
Sally replied, "No...salty!"
male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult
four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles
in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from His
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers
that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the He's really
worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle . .
. . . . . . . . . . it makes your nose look too short!"
when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and
let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver." Jack Handy
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day." Frank Sinatra
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you. "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not." Stephen Wright
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. "Beer is proof
that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation
in a can!" Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In
much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as
we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption
of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
All the organs
of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the
one in charge.
be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."
be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen
all over so without me you'd all waste away."
be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and
give all of you energy."
be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."
be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."
be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for
other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so
in a huff, he shut down tight.
few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood
was toxic.They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
of the story? The asshole is usually in charge.
His name was
Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying
to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming
from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy,
screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved
the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings.
An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself
as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't
accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied
waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son
came to the door of the family hovel.
your son?" the nobleman asked.
the farmer replied proudly.
you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education
my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father,
he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And
that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools
and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School
in London, and went on to become known throughout the world
as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken
with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
once said: What goes around comes around.
DRUGS FOR WOMEN
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to
8 full hours.
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out!
WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and prevents conception.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person.
Women are like
apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most
men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person
to come along,the one who is brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into
something acceptable enough to have dinner with.
A lady wrote
the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!! It explains things
better than all the baloney you hear on TV. Her point:
Recently large demonstrations
have taken place across the country protesting the fact that
Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.
people are angry that the US might protect its own borders,
might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here,
to stay indefinitely.
see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.
I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me
in your house, you insist that I leave.
But I say,
"I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry
and swept the floors."I've done all the things you don't like
to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke
into your house).
to the protesters: You are required to let me stay in your house.
required to add me to your family's insurance plan.
required to educate my kids.
required to provide other benefits to me and to my family (my
husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working
and honest, except for that breaking in part).
try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends
who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT
to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer
house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. II'm
a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know,
I did break into your house.
a deal it is for me!!! I live in your house, contributing only
a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you
can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish,
prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.
I DEMAND that you to learn MY LANGUAGE so you can communicate
with me. Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!
America .....if you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it
if you see the value of it.
blow it off......... Along with your future Social Security
ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC
my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your
face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
that I could love no other --
until I met your brother.
red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
I want to
feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your
smile, your face, and your eyes ......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.