SWINE FLEW SOUNDS OFF
Perhaps you can use this, FB doesn't like me.
A few years ago, someone pushing green energy published an article supporting solar power. They made two stupid claims. The first was that Germany now got 30% of it’s power from solar. A quick search showed that it got 30% in the summer and 0% in the winter. The second claim was that Germany was on a similar latitude as Anchorage AK so Anchorage should be able to do the same. Another quick check showed that not only was Anchorage 9dg farther north but all of Alaska was farther north. It also helps to point out that a good part of Alaska gets no sun during the winter.
And now we have a green driven move to make it too expensive to drive a non-electric car by restricting access to U.S. oil and gas. The price was going up long before Putin attacked Ukraine, so no, most of the rise belongs to this administration, not Putin. There is no electric vehicle that will replace what I drive. There is no electric semi tractor, yet. And electric buses are a joke. The electric system cannot support charging all those vehicles either.
But there is an unintended consequence. The price of heating oil. I am about to pay $5.30 a gal. to heat my house, last summer it was less than half of that. We can afford it, but it means less to give for charity. Others cannot afford it at all. Oh, just put in an electric heat pump they say. For the folks that cannot afford $5 per gallon heating oil how are they going to pay about $8,000 for a heat pump and $19 per day to run it? Insulate. That would be about $4,000 for a small house. Windows, more.
Not done yet. I did a bit of research on heating oil usage in the northeast. If all houses presently on oil switched to heat pumps that’s about 506 trillion BTUs now on electric. A heat pump supplies about 8000 BTU per KW. So that’s about 63,250 MWH over the winter in additional electricity needed. Electricity that does not presently exist. If you force this without the new power in place, we will have Texas all over again. More people die in the cold than the heat. 67% of New England electric power comes from gas. Of course, you’ll want to replace that too. Presently we get 1 to 2.5% of our power from wind and solar. Just to replace the gas would take 250 square miles of solar cells in the winter. On a sunny day. You get nothing on a cloudy day. Or when your cells are covered in snow.
It is about time for the “green new deal” to step up to the plate and prove they can do what they want. Take a small New England city and convert it to net zero.
Talk is cheap, we need proof before we sink this country.
No 4-letter words!! These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
" He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
I Met An Older Woman
I met An Older Woman At A Bar Last Night
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
Jesus For Hire
As I was walking home the other day, worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine etc. and at how our life as a nation is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
Feel Good Education
The continuing move by the government run education establishment to standardize outcome so that there are no winners and no losers is leading us towards oblivion. How would you like your banker to be the one who got an "A" when he couldn't make change of a dollar with 4 quarters? How about your pilot? The engineer who designed your car? I think we are already seeing that.
With that in mind I make the following suggestions:
Everyone gets an "A" to keep the feel good wingnuts happy but there are different class levels.
Math: 1. Can do calculus in his or her head, 2. Knows how to program a spreadsheet. 3. Can count to 20 as long as he can take his shoes off first.
Science: 1. Understands and can explain Einsteins theories. 2. Can explain where energy comes from, how it is used, and what it's cost is. 3. Believes everything Al Gore says.
Government: 1. Read and understands the meaning of the Federalist Papers. 2. Knows his rights under the Constitution and where government money comes from. 3. Where's my Obama Phone?
After these people are turned loose on the world the third group will still have the same rights as the first two with some modifications. The third group will use government printed money while the first two will use real money. The third group will still fly and ride in airplanes, the planes just won't have wings (think Greyhound). The folks that ride in those planes won't notice anyway. TSA will only be allowed to grope group 3. Only groups 1 and 2 can own guns and group 3 has to drive VW microbusses and eat tofu. Group 3 can still vote but only for Hollywood actors and they can only serve on TV soap operas and West Wing.
She Had Four Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation..
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Let's Offend Everyone
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
President Obama says we should create harmony by learning Arabic...
We might as well ALL get on the bandwagon, you included.
The current administration wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture.
So, I'm making a sincere effort to learn to communicate with our Muslim friends and learn Arabic for the sake of 'cultural diversity.'
This is my first attempt:
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And in Texas he'd just be"Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."
Hot And Cold Sex
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You
appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you
would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex,
I'm usually cold and chilly . . . and then, after I have sex with
her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, 'Everything
appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would
like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor
then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem.
He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with
you the first time . . . and then hot and sweaty after the second
time. Do you have any idea why?'
"Oh, that crazy old bastard!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the
first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
The $50 Lesson
The $50 Lesson
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my
neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter
what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be
Both of her parents - liberal Democrats - were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would
do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until
you're President to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull
weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to
the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him
the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me.
The Wal-Mart Interview
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.. 'It just pops into your head.There's no
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man.
'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant..
'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, etc.al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and
chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.
2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, WalMart, and Wall Street.
8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..
11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and over sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors..
17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.
18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World".
20. We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.
22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting,
I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S.: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country.
It's Not My Fault
In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):
"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life, the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
SEX AFTER SURGERY
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."
DEVIL DOGS QUOTES
There are only two kinds of people that understand Marines: Marines and the enemy. Everyone else has a second-hand opinion.
Gen. William Thornson, U.S. Army
Freedom is not free, but the U.S. Marine Corps will pay most of your share.
I come in peace, I didn't bring artillery. But I am pleading with you with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all.
Marine General James Mattis, to Iraqi tribal leaders
Hell, these are Marines. Men like them held Guadalcanal and took Iwo Jima. Bagdad ain't shit.
Marine Major General John F. Kelly
We signed up knowing the risk. Those innocent people in New York didn't go to work thinking there was any kind of risk.
Pvt. Mike Armendariz-Clark, USMC; Afghanastan, 20 September 2001
As reported on page 1 of the New York Times
The safest place in Korea was right behind a platoon of Marines. Lord, how they could fight!
MGen. Frank E. Lowe, USA; Korea, 26 January 1952
The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!
Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady of the United States, 1945
Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem.
Ronald Reagan, President of the United States; 1985
Marines I see as two breeds, Rottweilers or Dobermans, because Marines come in two varieties, big and mean, or skinny and mean. They're aggressive on the attack and tenacious on defense. They've got really short hair and they always go for the throat.
RAdm. "Jay" R. Stark, USN; 10 November 1995
They told (us) to open up the Embassy, or "we'll blow you away." And then they looked up and saw the Marines on the roof with these really big guns, and they said in Somali, "Igaralli ahow," which means "Excuse me, I didn't mean it, my mistake".
Karen Aquilar, in the U.S. Embassy; Mogadishu, Somalia, 1991
There are only two kinds of people that understand Marines: Marines and the enemy. Everyone else has a second-hand opinion.
Gen. William Thornson, U.S. Army
The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle.
Gen. John "Black Jack" Pershing, U.S. Army
Commander of American Forces in World War I
SENIOR TAX RETURN
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 250 prisons;
Half of Mexico and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.
1 useless President.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?
DRINKING AND DRIVING
I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
A husband took the wife to a disco over the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing,
moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!!
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke......
An Open Letter To Smith & Wesson
Dear Smith and or Wesson,
I recently purchased one of your M&P 40 Semi-automatic Assault Handguns (link below), and DEMAND a refund. Growing up, my family never owned a gun, and I was steadfast in preserving the tradition until extraordinary circumstances forced me to break it. I have come to know the Smith and Wesson name throughout the years as one of the World’s preeminent gun manufactures. So, when making my first gun purchase, I found myself immediately gravitating towards your products because they were the best/only brand name I knew. I purchased the gun in January of 2013 from a gun shop in Denver, and I could not imagine a way in which I could have made a bigger waste of my hard earned 700 dollars. While I do not know much about guns, I know enough to recognize a faulty product when I see it.
I don’t want to get into much detail, but to put it simply, my neighbor is a menace. He is a nightmare turned flesh, turned home owner, and he has terrorized me and my neighbors from the moment he and his family moved in. Until their sordid advent our neighborhood was a respectable place, no one ever rocked the boat and everyone was content to live in a quiet and thus respectable manner. The man has NO respect for our neighborhood’s revered HOA regulations. He would let his grass grow past the mandated height threshold and did not water his lawn the mandated 4.6 weekly times. He would stick non-approved yard signs in his lawn without any regard to how the rest of the community felt about them. His savage children would play in the streets without elbow pads nor goggles, and his dog was allowed to roam the unkept wilderness of his front yard un-leashed in front of his non-beige coloured house. I will end here, however I could fill up a dissertation’s page quota with his offenses (and have done so on my blog if it is needed for reference).
My many attempts to reason with this anarchist proved bootless, as time after time I found our HOA sanctions against him in his crumpled and stained in his garbage cans. His blatant disregard for authority and order put the entire neighborhood in distress. Harrowing thoughts of the savagery happening in the walls next to mine cost me countless hours sleep, unfathomable mental anguish, and a sickly variety of other assorted infirmity. I knew if order was to be restored to my neighborhood, I would need more than pink slips and phone calls. I purchased your M&P 40 Semiautomatic Assault Handgun, praying it would end the nightmare.
I brought the gun home and gingerly set it on my kitchen table with a box of ammunition. Refreshed and relaxed, I went to sleep, anxious to see what the morning would bring. I woke up in the morning with a calm that I had not felt since my neighbor had moved in. I rushed down the stairs like a child at Christmas, gnashing my teeth joyously at what wonders awaited me downstairs. However, like a child at Christmas, I quickly realized my wishes had not been granted. There on the table was my gun, exactly where I had left it. Distraught, I looked outside to see my neighbor, cheerfully playing with his children in the yard. Not only had the gun failed to kill my neighbor, but it did not seem to have moved an inch since I set it on the table. It had the entire night to itself, I figured it had to have done something in that time.
Intent to find answers, I inspected the gun’s packaging, and after peering through the first few pages, felt a wave of relief wash over me. I realized I had only bought a semi-automatic assault handgun, not an automatic one. I would have to manually load it with ammunition if I wanted it to kill my neighbor, this model could not do that on it’s own. So I loaded the gun, pointed the gun west towards my neighbor’s house, and even whispered, “Please kill my neighbor” into it’s cold metal trigger to facilitate it’s sordid task as much as I could while still keeping my hands clean. I set off to work assured and confident that my neighbor’s anarchic rein over the neighborhood would soon end.
I returned home to again find that it had again failed to kill my neighbor. There it was, sitting lifeless on my table, as if it was mocking me. For a second time I consulted the gun’s packaging in search of an explanation. I realized I had not disabled the safety on the gun. I quickly flipped the safety off, and then sprinted out of the house, lest the gun should confuse me for my neighbor. With the safety off, I knew I was not safe in my home until the gun had it’s bloodlust satisfied. I sat in my car outside waiting for some sign it had fulfilled it’s purpose.
After the fifth day of sleeping in my car I could no long bear the suspense and stress. The heat was driving me insane, and watching my neighbor drive in and house carefree only furthered my agony. I was tired of living in anticipation, and knew I was not safe so long as that gun knew where I lived. Distraught, disgusted, and perhaps a little drowsy, I committed to to end the downward spiral that my life had dissolved into after purchasing your gun. I cautiously crept into my house to see the gun resting exactly where I had left it. I crept behind it, grabbed it, raised it to my temple and fired, just like I had seen in the movies.
Not only did your POS gun refuse to kill my neighbor, but the little green plastic balls it fires barely gave me a bruise. You may have the media and everyone else convinced that your guns are the instruments of death and will kill, but I know the truth and demand a refund so I can get on with my life. I want to make it clear to anyone reading this that guns do not kill people, and that’s the problem.
*Lastly, I can not believe that law enforcement are duped into purchasing and carrying your harmless product, armed with guns seemingly made from plastic shooting tiny plastic green balls, I don’t know how our country is able to defend itself.
>>> Order Yours Today & Find Out What's So Funny >>>
A FUNNY FOR THE NIGHT
Funny for the night...
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
The "Y" Chromosome
People born before 1946 are called -
The Greatest Generation
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
The Baby Boomers
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -
Why do we call the last group - Generation Y ?
"Y" should I get a job?
"Y" should I leave home and find my own place?
"Y" should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
"Y" should I clean my room?
"Y" should I wash and iron my own clothes?
"Y" should I buy any food?
"Y" should I do anything when I can get it all for FREE?
But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...
Just thought you might want to know "Y" we ended up with OBAMA for four more years!!!!
GREAT FETTUCCINI RECIPE
I've only sent this to people I know who like Italian food.
- 10 ounces fettuccini pasta
- 1/2 cup butter
- 5 cloves garlic, chopped
- 1 cup heavy cream
- 1 egg yolk
- 2 cups freshly grated Parmesan cheese
- 2 tablespoons dried parsley
1. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil.
Add fettuccine pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.
2. In a large skillet melt the butter and add the chopped garlic.
Cook on low for about 5 minutes, stirring often, making sure not to burn the garlic.
3. Pour about a 1/4 cup of the heavy cream into a small bowl.
Add the egg yolk and beat together; put aside. Pour the remaining cream into the frying pan.
Increase the heat to medium-high. As the cream starts to boil, mix rapidly using a whisk.
Slowly add the cream/egg mixture. You do not want the egg to curdle.
Continue whisking until well blended.
4. Add 1 cup of the Parmesan cheese and continue to mix the cream.
Pour in the remaining Parmesan and the parsley, mix until smooth.
Immediately remove from stove. Serve over cooked pasta.
IF YOU SCROLLED PAST THE PHOTO AND ACTUALLY READ THIS RECIPE,
THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS
CIRCLES AND SQUARES
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the Earth.
Then He made the Earth round.
And He laughed.
And He laughed, and He laughed . . . and He laughed...
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up
to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'..
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
YOU'RE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN...
You're an EXTREME redneck when....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
6. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
7. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
8. Your junior prom offered day care.
9. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
10. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
11. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
12. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL
Speaker to graduates: You’re not special. (But his speech is.)
Lots of discussion nationally this week about this clever commencement speech, delivered last week to Wellesley High School seniors by English teacher David McCullough, Jr. (The upscale, high-achieving school is in Massachusetts.)
While McCullough tells students they are not special, the speech ends up at the usual place: Do good. Do well. Do something. The road to that ending is paved with great lines, including, “The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life, is an achievement, not something that will fall into your lap because you’re a nice person or mommy ordered it from the caterer. You’ll note the founding fathers took pains to secure your inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness–quite an active verb, “pursuit”–which leaves, I should think, little time for lying around watching parrots roller skate on Youtube.”
(And, yes, McCullough is the son of the noted historian.)
Here it is. If you prefer to watch it:
>>> Speech >>>
So here we are… commencement… life’s great forward-looking ceremony. (And don’t say, “What about weddings?” Weddings are one-sided and insufficiently effective. Weddings are bride-centric pageantry. Other than conceding to a list of unreasonable demands, the groom just stands there. No stately, hey-everybody-look-at-me procession. No being given away. No identity-changing pronouncement. And can you imagine a television show dedicated to watching guys try on tuxedos? Their fathers sitting there misty-eyed with joy and disbelief, their brothers lurking in the corner muttering with envy. Left to men, weddings would be, after limits-testing procrastination, spontaneous, almost inadvertent… during halftime… on the way to the refrigerator. And then there’s the frequency of failure: statistics tell us half of you will get divorced. A winning percentage like that’ll get you last place in the American League East. The Baltimore Orioles do better than weddings.)
But this ceremony… commencement… a commencement works every time. From this day forward… truly… in sickness and in health, through financial fiascos, through midlife crises and passably attractive sales reps at trade shows in Cincinnati, through diminishing tolerance for annoyingness, through every difference, irreconcilable and otherwise, you will stay forever graduated from high school, you and your diploma as one, ‘til death do you part.
No, commencement is life’s great ceremonial beginning, with its own attendant and highly appropriate symbolism. Fitting, for example, for this auspicious rite of passage, is where we find ourselves this afternoon, the venue. Normally, I avoid clichés like the plague, wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot pole, but here we are on a literal level playing field. That matters. That says something. And your ceremonial costume… shapeless, uniform, one-size-fits-all. Whether male or female, tall or short, scholar or slacker, spray-tanned prom queen or intergalactic X-Box assassin, each of you is dressed, you’ll notice, exactly the same. And your diploma… but for your name, exactly the same.
All of this is as it should be, because none of you is special.
You are not special. You are not exceptional.
Contrary to what your U9 soccer trophy suggests, your glowing 7th grade report card, despite every assurance of a certain corpulent purple dinosaur, that nice Mister Rogers and your batty Aunt Sylvia, no matter how often your maternal caped crusader has swooped in to save you… you’re nothing special.
Yes, you’ve been pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble-wrapped. Yes, capable adults with other things to do have held you, kissed you, fed you, wiped your mouth, wiped your bottom, trained you, taught you, tutored you, coached you, listened to you, counseled you, encouraged you, consoled you and encouraged you again. You’ve been nudged, cajoled, wheedled and implored. You’ve been feted and fawned over and called sweetie pie. Yes, you have. And, certainly, we’ve been to your games, your plays, your recitals, your science fairs. Absolutely, smiles ignite when you walk into a room, and hundreds gasp with delight at your every tweet. Why, maybe you’ve even had your picture in the Townsman. And now you’ve conquered high school… and, indisputably, here we all have gathered for you, the pride and joy of this fine community, the first to emerge from that magnificent new building…
But do not get the idea you’re anything special. Because you’re not.
The empirical evidence is everywhere, numbers even an English teacher can’t ignore. Newton, Natick, Nee… I am allowed to say Needham, yes? …that has to be two thousand high school graduates right there, give or take, and that’s just the neighborhood Ns. Across the country no fewer than 3.2 million seniors are graduating about now from more than 37,000 high schools.
That’s 37,000 valedictorians… 37,000 class presidents… 92,000 harmonizing altos… 340,000 swaggering jocks… 2,185,967 pairs of Uggs. But why limit ourselves to high school? After all, you’re leaving it. So think about this: even if you’re one in a million, on a planet of 6.8 billion that means there are nearly 7,000 people just like you. Imagine standing somewhere over there on Washington Street on Marathon Monday and watching 6,800 yous go running by. And consider for a moment the bigger picture: your planet, I’ll remind you, is not the center of its solar system, your solar system is not the center of its galaxy, your galaxy is not the center of the universe. In fact, astrophysicists assure us the universe has no center; therefore, you cannot be it. Neither can Donald Trump… which someone should tell him… although that hair is quite a phenomenon.
“But, Dave,” you cry, “Walt Whitman tells me I’m my own version of perfection! Epictetus tells me I have the spark of Zeus!” And I don’t disagree. So that makes 6.8 billion examples of perfection, 6.8 billion sparks of Zeus.
You see, if everyone is special, then no one is. If everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless. In our unspoken but not so subtle Darwinian competition with one another–which springs, I think, from our fear of our own insignificance, a subset of our dread of mortality — we have of late, we Americans, to our detriment, come to love accolades more than genuine achievement. We have come to see them as the point — and we’re happy to compromise standards, or ignore reality, if we suspect that’s the quickest way, or only way, to have something to put on the mantelpiece, something to pose with, crow about, something with which to leverage ourselves into a better spot on the social totem pole.
No longer is it how you play the game, no longer is it even whether you win or lose, or learn or grow, or enjoy yourself doing it… Now it’s “So what does this get me?” As a consequence, we cheapen worthy endeavors, and building a Guatemalan medical clinic becomes more about the application to Bowdoin than the well-being of Guatemalans.
It’s an epidemic — and in its way, not even dear old Wellesley High is immune… one of the best of the 37,000 nationwide, Wellesley High School… where good is no longer good enough, where a B is the new C, and the mid-level curriculum is called Advanced College Placement. And I hope you caught me when I said “one of the best.” I said “one of the best” so we can feel better about ourselves, so we can bask in a little easy distinction, however vague and unverifiable, and count ourselves among the elite, whoever they might be, and enjoy a perceived leg up on the perceived competition. But the phrase defies logic. By definition there can be only one best. You’re it or you’re not.
If you’ve learned anything in your years here I hope it’s that education should be for, rather than material advantage, the exhilaration of learning. You’ve learned, too, I hope, as Sophocles assured us, that wisdom is the chief element of happiness. (Second is ice cream… just an fyi.) I also hope you’ve learned enough to recognize how little you know… how little you know now… at the moment… for today is just the beginning. It’s where you go from here that matters.
As you commence, then, and before you scatter to the winds, I urge you to do whatever you do for no reason other than you love it and believe in its importance. Don’t bother with work you don’t believe in any more than you would a spouse you’re not crazy about, lest you too find yourself on the wrong side of a Baltimore Orioles comparison. Resist the easy comforts of complacency, the specious glitter of materialism, the narcotic paralysis of self-satisfaction. Be worthy of your advantages.
And read… read all the time… read as a matter of principle, as a matter of self-respect. Read as a nourishing staple of life. Develop and protect a moral sensibility and demonstrate the character to apply it. Dream big. Work hard. Think for yourself. Love everything you love, everyone you love, with all your might. And do so, please, with a sense of urgency, for every tick of the clock subtracts from fewer and fewer; and as surely as there are commencements there are cessations, and you’ll be in no condition to enjoy the ceremony attendant to that eventuality no matter how delightful the afternoon.
The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life, is an achievement, not something that will fall into your lap because you’re a nice person or mommy ordered it from the caterer. You’ll note the founding fathers took pains to secure your inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness–quite an active verb, “pursuit”–which leaves, I should think, little time for lying around watching parrots roller skate on Youtube.
The first President Roosevelt, the old rough rider, advocated the strenuous life. Mr. Thoreau wanted to drive life into a corner, to live deep and suck out all the marrow. The poet Mary Oliver tells us to row, row into the swirl and roil. Locally, someone… I forget who… from time to time encourages young scholars to carpe the heck out of the diem. The point is the same: get busy, have at it.
Don’t wait for inspiration or passion to find you. Get up, get out, explore, find it yourself, and grab hold with both hands. (Now, before you dash off and get your YOLO tattoo, let me point out the illogic of that trendy little expression–because you can and should live not merely once, but every day of your life.
Rather than You Only Live Once, it should be You Live Only Once… but because YLOO doesn’t have the same ring, we shrug and decide it doesn’t matter.)
None of this day-seizing, though, this YLOOing, should be interpreted as license for self-indulgence. Like accolades ought to be, the fulfilled life is a consequence, a gratifying byproduct. It’s what happens when you’re thinking about more important things.
Climb the mountain not to plant your flag, but to embrace the challenge, enjoy the air and behold the view. Climb it so you can see the world, not so the world can see you. Go to Paris to be in Paris, not to cross it off your list and congratulate yourself for being worldly. Exercise free will and creative, independent thought not for the satisfactions they will bring you, but for the good they will do others, the rest of the 6.8 billion–and those who will follow them. And then you too will discover the great and curious truth of the human experience is that selflessness is the best thing you can do for yourself. The sweetest joys of life, then, come only with the recognition that you’re not special.
Because everyone is.
Congratulations. Good luck. Make for yourselves, please, for your sake and for ours, extraordinary lives.
–From Maureen Downey, for the AJC Get Schooled blog
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
"I want to offer my deepest condolences".
THE ULTIMATE DRUG DETERRENT
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the government
regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and
forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing some form of ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules, and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."
Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came
into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out
his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into
a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his
tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing Ican do."
Cashier: "Do you want that in large or small bills, Mr. President?"
IT'S IN THE CARDS
IT'S IN THE CARDS
Finally someone has cleared this up.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.
AIRPORT SCREENING RESULTS
Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against a mosque being built at
Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the
mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call
one of the clubs, "The Turban Cowboy", which would be gay, and the other a
topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to
that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins with short burkas in the window
modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.
If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan,
please pass it on for the sake of tolerance, of course!
NO CAPTION NECESSARY
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down, and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
During a commercial airline flight a retired pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The ex-pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed:
"And all these years......We've been chewing gum."
THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the bottom and having the Balls to say, you're next, chubby.
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
THE BIOLOGY TEST
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers...and the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon
being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King
and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
At the wedding reception someone yelled.
"Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A compendium of aviation wisdom:
Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
Experience is the knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone; An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.
Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. The first is landing.
A 'good' landing is one you can walk away from. A 'great landing is when you can use the plane again.
Definition of 'pilot': The first one to arrive at the scene of an aircraft accident.
You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. A night carrier landing is an opportunity to experience all three at the same time.
In thrust I trust.
If it doesn't work, rename it. If that doesn't help, the new name isn't long enough.
The future in aviation is the next 30 seconds. Long term planning is an hour and a half.
Please don't tell Mum I'm a pilot. She thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
Never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him.
An accident investigation is six months of itemizing all the mistakes made by a crew in the six minutes it had to do something.
It is far better to arrive late in this world than early in the next.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
You can land anywhere once.
Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
I want to die like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.
Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
If it fly's, floats, or fucks, rent it.
You can always depend on twin engine aircraft. When the first engine quits the second will surely fly you to the scene of an accident.
The real value of twin engine aircraft is it will double your chances of engine failure.
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
About aerobatics: It's like having sex and being in a car wreck at the same time.
New FAA motto: We're not happy till you're not happy.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
You can only tie the record for flying low.
Flying at night is the same as flying in the day, except you can't see.
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.
Helicopters are really a bunch of parts flying in relatively close formation; all rotating around a different axis. Things work well until one of the parts breaks formation.
One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.
A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.
Most airline food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.
I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep.
Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong, then one pilot gets all the blame.
The RF-4E Phantom - living proof that if you put enough engine on something . . . even a brick could fly.
If you don't know who the world's greatest fighter pilot is... It ain't you.
When you're sitting in the rubber raft looking up where your airplane used to be, it's too late to check the flight plan
Some pilots will make an emergency out of a bad magneto check. Others, upon losing a wing, will ask for a lower altitude.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding it.
The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.
Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
If you must make a mistake, make it a new one.
The owner's guide that comes with a $500 refrigerator makes more sense than the one that comes with a $50 million airliner.
Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Shit
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this...
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
When you are sad
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile ~
I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
When you are scared
I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
When you are worried
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
When you are confused
I will try to use only little words.
When you are sick
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall
I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.
This is my oath
I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask
because you are my friend.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
GRINS AND SNICKERS
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
A FATHER & SON DEAL
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair..and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
—- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?
The doctor told me "you may have just one can of beer a week!"
So I ordered just one!
It arrived today ....
I'm feeling much better now.
tted By: Swine Flew
*Publisher's Note: So what if we did post this before! There's always room for refresher courses here at The F.S.O.P.'s Learning Annex
Fair: We take your money and give it to someone who has never done an honest days work in his/her/it’s life. Also see Welfare.
Crisis: We take your money and use it to further screw up something we screwed up with the last money we took from you.
Essential Services: We take your money and give it to unionized civil service employees whose sole purpose in life is to piss you off and get overtime.
Reparations: We take your money because your great great great ancestors might have participated in or made profit from a vile practice, still perpetrated by Islam, and give it to someone whose great great great ancestors might have been a victim of previously mentioned vile practice even though said ancestors may have participated in said vile practice themselves.
Emergency: We take your money and give it to people that knowingly live below sea level and pay no attention to evacuation orders.
Endangered Species: We take your money and give it to a so called environmental organization to save the spotted cross eyed toe jam that normal people have tried to eradicate for centuries.
Social Security: We take your money and promise to give it back when you retire but spend it, instead, on one or more of the totally unrelated items listed above.
Medicare: See Social Security. s
Voters Rights: We take your money to help someone vote who hasn’t a clue what’s going on and probably has no right to vote in the first place.
Clean Air Fund: We take your money and give it to someone else to buy something to generate “clean” energy that works at a net loss because the technology isn’t ready and/or makes noise and turns birds into a chum.
Gun Control: We take your guns so that you can’t stop us from taking your money.
Emergency Heating Fund: We take your money to pay poor folks to heat their houses because Global Warming is causing them to freeze their ass off.
Healthcare Bill: We take any money left so that no one but us has any money left to pay for healthcare.
Stimulus Bill: We’re running out of ways to take your money so we’ll just spend money that doesn’t exist and figure out later how to take more of your money.
Job Creation Bill: We spend even more money that doesn’t exist to create more government jobs to help come up with newer ways to take your money.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
SWINE FLEW TRIPLE TREAT
Item #1: New Business Opportunity
A friend of mine just started his own business.
He manufactures landmines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Item #2: Old Chinese Proverb
"If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which
you search, you are obviously in the....
Item #3: Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
PUT ME IN CHARGE
*Publisher's Note: The following was forwarded by Swine Flew and are the words of the writer, Alfred W. Evans who wrote the ensuing rant.
Simple answer to complex problem. No politician will touch this. So the only way out of pure stupidity is to just watch the country go totally broke and fall on its ass. The elected jerks don’t believe what is happening can happen.
I do not send these often, so bear with me.
Subject: Right-on Editorial Fw: From the Waco paper - 11/18/2011
Put me in charge ...
Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.
Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.
In addition you need to work for entitlements. You will either present a check stub from a job each week (and a drug test) or you will report to a “government” job (and take a drug test). It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, serve or cook soup in a soup kitchen or whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good.”
Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards people for continuing to make bad choices.
Put me in charge and I would make some changes.
Alfred W. Evans, Gatesville
WHY IT'S COOL TO BE A PIG!!!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!)
ARTS AND CRAFTS
What artists do if given household objects.
WINTER IN OHIO
It's winter in Ohio
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ohio
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave Ohio,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.
THE FROG AND THE WOMAN GOLFER
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..
Moral of the story:
Women are not really smart, they just think they are.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show .
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!
DOUBLE BARREL DEVOTION
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's The 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses, the words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
THE LATEST CHRISTMAS TOY
The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim baby girl doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says cause no one’s got the guts to pull the cord.
ADVENTURES IN STUPIDITY
It's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
8. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
9. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family ...unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Life Style Choices at Christmas
This woman is 51.
She is a TV “health guru” advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill health, promoting exercise, a pescetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets colonic irrigation and supplements, also making statements that yeast is harmful, that the color of food is nutritionally significant, and about the utility of lingual and faucal examination.
This woman is 50.
She is a TV cook, who eats nothing but meat, butter and desert.
WEEKEND HUMOR TWO-FER
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
A REAL WOMAN
* A real woman is a man's best friend.
* She will never stand him up and never let him down.
* She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
* She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
* She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
* She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners... '
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
We just learned that Barney Frank has resigned from Congress to pursue a new career in the TSA.
THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN
*I don't know who the writer is, but it certainly is well said and this should be forwarded to every principal and/or school in this nation. - Swine Flew
OPENING DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL
This speech was given by a new HS principal in Florida .
To the students and faculty of our high school:
I am your new principal, and honored to be so. There is no greater calling than to teach young people.
I would like to apprise you of some important changes coming to our school. I am making these changes because I am convinced that most of the ideas that have dominated public education in America have worked against you, against your teachers and against our country.
First, this school will no longer honor race or ethnicity. I could not care less if your racial makeup is black, brown, red, yellow or white. I could not care less if your origins are African, Latin American, Asian or European, or if your ancestors arrived here on the
Mayflower or on slave ships. The only identity I care about, the only one this school will recognize, is your individual identity -- your character, your scholarship, your humanity. And the only national identity this school will care about is American. This is an American
public school, and American public schools were created to make better Americans.
If you wish to affirm an ethnic, racial or religious identity through school, you will have to go elsewhere. We will end all ethnicity-, race- and non-American nationality-based celebrations. They undermine the motto of America, one of its three central values -- e
pluribus unum, "from many, one." And this school will be guided by America's values.
This includes all after-school clubs. I will not authorize clubs that divide students based on any identities. This includes race, language, religion, sexual orientation or whatever else may become in vogue in a society divided by political correctness.
Your clubs will be based on interests and passions, not blood, ethnic, racial or other physically defined ties. Those clubs just cultivate narcissism -- an unhealthy preoccupation with the self -- while the purpose of education is to get you to think beyond yourself. So we will have clubs that transport you to the wonders and glories of art, music, astronomy, languages you do not already speak, carpentry and more. If the only extracurricular activities you can imagine being interesting in are those based on ethnic, racial or sexual identity, that means that little outside of yourself really interests you.
Second, I am uninterested in whether English is your native language. My only interest in terms of language is that you leave this school speaking and writing English as fluently as possible. The English language has united America 's citizens for over 200 years, and it will
unite us at this school. It is one of the indispensable reasons this country of immigrants has always come to be one country. And if you leave this school without excellent English language skills, I would be remiss in my duty to ensure that you will be prepared to successfully compete in the American job market. We will learn other languages here
-- it is deplorable that most Americans only speak English -- but if you want classes taught in your native language rather than in English, this is not your school.
Third, because I regard learning as a sacred endeavor, everything in this school will reflect learning's elevated status. This means, among other things, that you and your teachers will dress accordingly. Many people in our society dress more formally for Hollywood events than for church or school. These people have their priorities backward. Therefore, there will be a formal dress code at this school.
Fourth, no obscene language will be tolerated anywhere on this school's property -- whether in class, in the hallways or at athletic events. If you can't speak without using the f-word, you can't speak.
By obscene language I mean the words banned by the Federal Communications Commission, plus epithets such as "Nigger," even when used by one black student to address another black, or "bitch," even when addressed by a girl to a girlfriend. It is my intent that by the time you leave this school, you will be among the few your age to
instinctively distinguish between the elevated and the degraded, the holy and the obscene.
Fifth, we will end all self-esteem programs. In this school, self-esteem will be attained in only one way -- the way people attained it until decided otherwise a generation ago -- by earning it. One immediate consequence is that there will be one valedictorian, not eight.
Sixth, and last, I am reorienting the school toward academics and away from politics and propaganda. No more time will be devoted to scaring you about smoking and caffeine, or terrifying you about sexual harassment or global warming. No more semesters will be devoted to condom wearing and teaching you to regard sexual relations as only or
primarily a health issue. There will be no more attempts to convince you that you are a victim because you are not white, or not male, or not heterosexual or not Christian. We will have failed if any one of you graduates this school and does not consider him or herself inordinately lucky -- to be alive and to be an American.
Now, please stand and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of our country. As many of you do not know the words, your teachers will hand them out to you.
THE RIGHT STUFF
From Akron, Colorado:
SHOULD YOU REMARRY AFTER A SPOUSES DEATH?
The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
HIGH SCHOOL: 1957 vs. 2010
Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with a school buddy that has a headache also.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
WHY SHARKS SWIM AROUND YOU BEFORE ATTACKING
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!
JOSE AND CARLOS
Jose and Carlos are beggars.
They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but collects only about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose,
"I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos reads his sign: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says Jose.
Carlos says, "All right, what is on your sign?"
Jose shows him:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.
AND YOU KEEP TELLING ME TO EXERCISE!
COPPING A FEEL?
Lady Police Officers Around The World.
China - I've Assumed The Position, Miss, Now Get Started!
Japan - Cuff Me, Babe!
Singapore - Please! Tase Me! Tase Me!
The USA - No Caption Necessary
Need To Send To All Police Departments!
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his a** while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
THE 7 DWARFS
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe. This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin! '
WHEN GIRLS DON'T PUT OUT
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all, Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
SWINE FLEW'S PIGISH WISDOM
Recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found
That men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started
With the letter 't'.
A recent survey was conducted also to discover why men get
Out of bed in the middle of the night. Here are the survey results :
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the bathroom
83% said it was to go home
The perfect breakfast...as a man sees it.....
You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of wheaties......
Your mistress is on the cover of playboy........
And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a really sharp knife
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the cuban national anthem?
Row, row, row your boat........
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale ?
A northern fairy tale begins 'once upon a time.....'
And a southern fairy tale begins............
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
Keep the following in mind as it's amazing what one person can do when they put their mind to it!
If George W. Bush had doubled the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had criticized a state law that he admitted he never even read, would you think that he is just an ignorant hot head?
If George W. Bush joined the country of Mexico and sued a state in the United States to force that state to continue to allow illegal immigration, would you question his patriotism and wonder whose side he was on?
If George W. Bush had put 87000 workers out of work by arbitrarily placing a moratorium on offshore oil drilling on companies that have one of the best safety records of any industry because one company had an accident would you have agreed?
If George W. Bush had used a forged document as the basis of the moratorium that would render 87000 American workers unemployed would you support him?
If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a TelePrompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?
If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?
If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the nonexistent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?
If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had stated that there were 57 states in the United States, would you have said that he is clueless.
If George W. Bush would have flown all the way to Denmark to make a five minute speech about how the Olympics would benefit him walking out his front door in Texas, would you have thought he was a self important, conceited, egotistical jerk.
If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?
If George W. Bush had misspelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoes as proof of what a dunce he is?
If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?
If George W. Bush's administration had okay’d Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?
If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans, would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?
If George W. Bush had created the position of 32 Czars who report directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate on much of what is happening in America, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?
Every statement in this list is factual and directly attributable to Barrack Hussein Obama. Every bumble is a matter of record and completely verifiable.
So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive?
I don’t know how much time I have left. I’m told my mind is deteriorating rapidly as I seem to remember so many things that I’m told just can’t be true.
I remember my parents drinking and smoking though three pregnancies and yet my older brother is considered one of the best at what he does, I have been among the best a few times, and my younger brother is well known in his field. Come to think of it he is a far left wing liberal but then he did fall on his head from the garage roof at the age of ten.
I remember getting my father’s belt on my backside when I screwed up. But in spite of frequent strong temptation I haven’t shot anyone no matter how desperately they need it.
I remember getting dragged down to the chief of police, by my father, when a friend and I “broke” into the school during the summer. The door was not locked and it never occurred to us to damage anything.
I remember mercury, benzene, lead paint, lead solder, and lead bullets being around our house and somehow surviving even though, according to some official 100 million children are affected by lead even though there is a lot less lead in houses and 100 million children would mean every child in this country.
I remember walking down the main street with my rifle, at the age of 12, to go to the range in the basement of the YMCA to practice. I feel a tingle running up my leg just thinking of doing that today.
I remember the photographs my parents’ generation brought back from Auschwitz.
I remember when a man in uniform got respect automatically even if he didn’t always deserve it.
I remember when “loose” women were shunned and wondered why I could never meet one.
I remember John Kennedy reducing income taxes to spur the economy, and it worked.
I remember Jimmy Carter bringing peace to the Middle East. Wait, that really isn’t true, maybe there’s hope for me.
I remember Jimmy Carter gutting the CIA and wondering why they didn’t see the Iranian revolution coming.
I remember Charlton Heston marched with Dr. King while liberal Hollywood hid.
I remember the Clinton administration studying violence in children and finding the children who are taught to shoot by their parents are far less likely to commit a crime with a gun.
I remember Bob Packwood resigning for patting a few fannies while Bill Clinton stayed in office while doing much worse.
I remember Nancy Pelosi promising to clean up Washington.
I remember Lindsay Lohan blaming her condition on trying to be like Britney; and Hambo said she would never make anything of herself.
[Hambo remembers ‘rewarding’ LiLo (Lindsay Lohan) by making her one of the Four Bimbos of the Apocalypse. Let’s see Swine Flew and/or Titney top THAT.]
THE BIKER vs THE COP
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Computers must be female, because ...
- As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
- The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Computers must be male, because ...
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Theory is when you think you know something but it doesn't work. Practice is when something works but you don't know why. Usually we combine theory and practice: nothing works and we don't know why.
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Obama has a dream that he finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish & longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' (Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.)
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides.
He climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he climbs the ladder yet again,
He discovers an even larger room, where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
..Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets another man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' (He gasps, as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.)
'No, my son....I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee..?'
'Yes! Please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, riped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.
At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our American patriots handled negative comments about our country.
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGaule did not respond.
You could have heard a pin drop.
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
You could have heard a pin drop.
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
You could have heard a pin drop.
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
You could have heard a pin drop.
SWINE FLEW SALUTES DR.SEUSS
I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker Nan ,
I do not like this 'YES, WE CAN'.
I do not like this spending spree---
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it. nope, nope, nope!
Go green - recycle Congress in 2010!
29 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Rocky's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rocky's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rocky sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, Here I am…
"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
"BEER: Helping ulgy people have sex since 3000 B.C."
W. C. Fields
"Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser."
Professor Irwin Corey
"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!"
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
MATH FOR REALITY STREET
*Publishers Note: If your little less then Honor Roll caliber kid doesn't relate to basic math, perhaps the following will stir his/her imagination
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time! -- Here's a 10 question sample quiz for next semester.
1. Terrell has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually miss 6 of every 10 shots and he use 13 rounds per drive-by shootin. How many mofos can Raymond ice on a drive-by befo he gotta reload?
2. Leroy have 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sell an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?
3. Darnell pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Darnell's $800 per day Crack habit?
4. Tyrone wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?
5. Desmond gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother"s bail?
6. Juan got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he get out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?
10. Willie steals Juan's skateboard.. As Willie skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Willie be when he gets whacked?
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MARVIN
Sex Is The Price Women Have To Pay For Marriage.
Marriage Is The Price Men Have To Pay For Sex.
I'm Not Attracted By A Girlie's Mind...
But By What She Doesn't Mind.
Marriage Is The Only War Where You Get To Sleep With The Enemy.
There Are Only Two Four Letter Words That Are Offensive To Me - 'Don't' And 'Stop'
Unless They Are Used Together.
A Tight Dress Is Like A Barbed Fence.
It Protects The Premises Without Restricting The View.
Guns Don't Kill People...
Husbands Who Come Home Early Kill People!
Getting Married Is Like Getting Into A Bath Tub.
After You Get Used To It, It Ain't So Hot!
CALIFORNIA vs ARIZONA
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that's why California is broke.
LIBERALS vs CONSERVATIVES...UPDATED
A conservative will castrate a child molester.
A liberal will give a pedophile Viagra.
A conservative will give someone who is in desperate need his or her last dollar.
A liberal will give your last dollar to aids awareness after giving the rest of your dollars to the public employee unions.
A conservative will try to keep his car in good running condition.
A poor liberal will drive his, hers, or it’s ’62 VW microbus 2,500 miles spewing carbon monoxide and leaking oil to whole way to Earth Day where he, she, or it will decry your carbon footprint.
A rich liberal will fly there in a private jet.
A conservative will execute a mass murderer.
A liberal will condemn you for that execution as soon as their late term abortion is done.
A conservative will bring back a case of empties when he buys the next case.
A liberal will spend $5 recycling a $0.10 bag.
A conservative will vote against anyone, Republican or Democrat, who commits a serious crime.
A liberal will vote against anyone who is a Republican.
A POTATO STORY
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
HE'S A COMMONTATER!!!
A GLASS OF WINE
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = poop,
Wine = health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
SWINE FLEW FUNNIES
Pictures You Don't See Everyday
Must have been McNaughty
Oh Come On, Just One?
Take Me To The Cleaners, Baby!
Major Dilemna In California
Everything You Need For Your Shotgun Wedding
Still Dead, Huh?
Don't Drink And Make Signs
THE HOLISTIC APPROACH
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said.... You were homesick.
THE HUMAN BODY
The Human Body!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
AN AL GORE MOMENT
A California Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Dallas when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.
OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?
Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures without the need for resorting to fiction.
Some are rare; some are on the verge of extinction.
Here are some of the most peculiar creatures known to mankind.
Pink Fairy Armadillo
Left Winged Dingbat
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SWINE FLEW
- Fair: We take your money and give it to someone who has never done an honest days work in his/her/it’s life. Also see Welfare.
- Crisis: We take your money and use it to further screw up something we screwed up with the last money we took from you.
- Essential Services: We take your money and give it to unionized civil service employees whose sole purpose in life is to piss you off and get overtime.
- Reparations: We take your money because your great great great ancestors might have participated in or made profit from a vile practice, still perpetrated by Islam, and give it to someone whose great great great ancestors might have been a victim of previously mentioned vile practice even though said ancestors may have participated in said vile practice themselves.
- Emergency: We take your money and give it to people that knowingly live below sea level and pay no attention to evacuation orders.
- Endangered Species: We take your money and give it to a so called environmental organization to save the spotted cross eyed toe jam that normal people have tried to eradicate for centuries.
- Social Security: We take your money and promise to give it back when you retire but spend it, instead, on one or more of the totally unrelated items listed above.
- Medicare: See Social Security.
- Voters Rights: We take your money to help someone vote who hasn’t a clue what’s going on and probably has no right to vote in the first place.
- Clean Air Fund: We take your money and give it to someone else to buy something to generate “clean” energy that works at a net loss because the technology isn’t ready and/or makes noise and turns birds into a chum.
- Gun Control: We take your guns so that you can’t stop us from taking your money.
- Emergency Heating Fund: We take your money to pay poor folks to heat their houses because Global Warming is causing them to freeze their ass off.
- Healthcare Bill: We take any money left so that no one but us has any money left to pay for healthcare.
- Stimulus Bill: We’re running out of ways to take your money so we’ll just spend money that doesn’t exist and figure out later how to take more of your money.
- Job Creation Bill: We spend even more money that doesn’t exist to create more government jobs to help come up with newer ways to take your money.
WAL-MART GOES HI-TECH
One day in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10, much cheaper than a doctor."
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found in aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!
THE BAPTIST COWBOY
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
OBAMA AND THE SEVEN DORKS
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Hand Prop - Start Procedures:
This photo is absolutely incredible...
But, can you tell what's wrong with it?
Yep, guess you spotted it, too.?
Never, never try to Prop - Start an aircraft without chocking the wheels !!!
I am sure that caught your eye right away like it did mine.
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Did you ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee at the Moose.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say...
"Oh My God!!!"
OLD DOGS RULE
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says..."Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story ...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
MOMMY, WHY CAN'T I GET A JOB?
Click Here For More Freakshow
A SLOW DAY IN TEXAS
It’s a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel..
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor' on the opener.. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than two...." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS
IDIOT SIGHTINGS: When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep.. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"!
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE.......... and they vote!!!!!
REDNECK PICKUP LINES
From "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-Fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta Texas.
1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
LIBERALS vs CONSERVATIVES
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a person of color is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his
If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
OBAMA IN THE BRITISH MEDIA
Here is an interesting editorial from someone outside our country as to what is going on!
Is It Just Me?
By Gerald Warner From The London Telegraph
Barak Obama and the CIA: Why does President Pantywaist hate America so badly?
If al-Qaeda, the Taliban and the rest of the Looney Tunes brigade want to kick America to death, they had better move in quickly and grab a piece of the action before Barack Obama finishes the job himself. Never in the history of the United States has a president worked so actively against the interests of his own people - not even Jimmy Carter.
Obama's problem is that he does not know who the enemy is. To him, the enemy does not squat in caves in Waziristan, clutching automatic weapons and reciting the more militant verses from the Koran: instead, it sits around at tea parties in Kentucky quoting from the US Constitution. Obama is not at war with terrorists, but with his Republican fellow citizens. He has never abandoned the campaign trail.
That is why he opened Pandora's Box by publishing the Justice Department's legal opinions on waterboarding and other hardline interrogation techniques. He cynically subordinated the national interest to his partisan desire to embarrass the Republicans. Then he had to rush to Langley, Virginia to try to reassure a demoralized CIA that had just discovered the President of the United States was an even more formidable foe than al-Qaeda.
"Don't be discouraged by what's happened the last few weeks," he told intelligence officers.
Is he kidding? Thanks to him, al-Qaeda knows the private interrogation techniques available to the US intelligence agencies and can train its operatives to withstand them - or would do so, if they had not already been outlawed.
So, next time a senior al-Qaeda hood is captured, all the CIA can do is ask him nicely if he would care to reveal when a major population centre is due to be hit by a terror spectacular, or which American city is about to be irradiated by a dirty bomb. Your view of this situation will be dictated by one simple criterion: whether or not you watched the people jumping from the Twin Towers.
President Pantywaist's recent world tour, cozying up to all the bad guys, excited the ambitions of America's enemies. Here, they realized, is a sucker they can really take to the cleaners.
His only enemies are fellow Americans and America herself. Which prompts the question: Why does President Pantywaist hate America so badly?
A LITTLE STINKER
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
THE HARLEY-DAVIDSON FACTS
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
'I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yes, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust .
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Psalm For The Messiah
FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT
Submitted by: PIGster Swine Flew
Posted by: Porcus
Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican Party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes.
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am still glad I'm an American.
U.S. MARINE SHOUT OUTS
I am glad that I am free.
But I often wish I were a dog...
And Obama was a tree.
Bumper stickers seen on a Marine Corps Base
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has never solved anything.*
" U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club"
" Water-boarding is out so kill them all!"
"Interrogators can't water board dead guys"
" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah"
"Stop Global Whining"
"When In Doubt, empty The Magazine" Naval Corollary; Dead men don't testify.
"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"
"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"
"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"
"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? .... A little Recoil"
"Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"*
"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"
"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"
"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"
"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"
"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- US Navy Gun Fire Support"
"Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"
"My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college"
"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"
"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"
"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem."
My Re simay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.
I no my spelling is not too good.
My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short
I sent a pickture of me.
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday
PASSPORT OFFICE PINHEADS
This letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough)..
You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport office...Remember they want us trust them!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE IN CHARGE NOW
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin' address..
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for goodness sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a crap whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another freakin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be to damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the freakin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic freakin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
- An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang ........ However, I have to get someone'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
TAKING IT TO THE STREETS
You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who..
Right in Obama's back yard!! I'm more proud of the folks in the windy city, than I thought was ever possible! By the way, I didn't see the ABC CBS NBC CNN MSNBC covering this - did you? Wonder why...is this censorship by these networks???
Those who have visited Chicago will recognize the downtown area.
THE TREE HUGGER
A woman from Los Angeles, CA, who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I
could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Dear Doctor Phil
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing.. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen,! only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Dear Fishing Fool
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That's a couple of really nice bass!
A REAL MAN'S GRILL
Luke ''The Drifter'' Says:
"We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumb by the rest of the world that we went to the polls last November and removed all doubt."
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California , when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
WILL I LIVE TO SEE 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer, liquor, or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said
He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
HOW TO IDENTIFY A BUDDING PIG DUDE
Every picture tells a story, but, in this case, several pictures show you how to identify that hidden PIGster lurking inside your precious Rocket Boy.
Sign One: He’s Passionate
Sign Two: He’s precocious
Sign Three: He’s a notorious lady’s man.
Sign Four( A dead giveaway): He’s a real pisser.
HOW TO WASH A TOILET
This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
THE CURE FOR CONSTIPATION
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succesion when symptoms occcur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, Teddy Kennedy, and Al Gore.
If that doesn't scare the s#&t out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.
NRA POSTER BOY
This poster is in a gun shop in Wheatland, OK.
I am a 13 year old girl from Kentucky and I am still a virgin.
Do you think my brothers are gay?
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70' s)
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED !!!!!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you.....you have no legs."
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,"Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the
doorbell didn't I ?"
'THE AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
Washington , DC - (Dateline March 25, 2009)
President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat.
"We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Democrat pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to
performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an
excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of
Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them, said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the
Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen,
regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
We need to show more sympathy for these people
* They travel miles in the heat.
* They risk their lives crossing a border.
* They don't get paid enough wages.
* They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do.
* They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language.
* They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day ~ every day ..
I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans ~ I'm talking about our troops! Doesn't it seem strange that many Democrats and Republicans are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops, and are even threatening to defund them?
REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY: OBAMA
I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views. Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd, Barney Franks and Chuck Schumer, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
THE NEW DEWALT NAIL GUN
Just when you thought you had all the latest toys!
The 16D Rapid-fire Nail Gun by Dewalt.
It can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink, when they have the board in the right place just fire away.
With the hundred round magazine you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife probably won't ask you to fix or build anything else.
ANNUAL COMPANY PICNIC
For the Annual Company Outing, management had decided that because of liability issues,
we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...
Sheila was fired for ordering the cups.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids
what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their
plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole! "
A county extension agent was visiting a farm needed to use the toilet, but he realized that there was no running water. So he ran around back to the outhouse, opened the door, and the hired man was sitting there.
But the hired man said, "It's O.K., come on in, it's a two-holer."
So the agent went in and sat down. The hired man stood up, and as he was pulling up his pants, some
change tumbled out of his pocket and went down the hole.
The hired man shook his head, pulled out his wallet and dropped a ten-dollar bill down the hole.
The extension agent said, "What did you do that for?"
And the hired man said, "Well, I ain't goin down there for just 35 cents."
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 4th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 5th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
DO YOU FART IN BED?
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED
COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AN D EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY Y GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME A ND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALL Y HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'
I WANT A DIVORCE
Dear American Liberals, Leftists, Social Progressives, Socialists, Marxists, Obama Supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two
ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go on our own ways.
Here is a model dissolution agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.
After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran, Palestine and France and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone health care, if you can find any practicing doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf (sic). We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and The National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot.
Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name and our Flag.
Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other like-minded patriots and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand too.
THE PATRIOT MICROCHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.
The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes:
The Implantee may or may not be allowed to choose the size.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS
A GUN IN THE HOUSE
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
As John Steinbeck once said:
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't
make a 46.'
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?'
'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
But wait, there's more!
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did.
She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'
To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!'
She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your house?'
My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is
THINK YOUR JOB SUCKS?
like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from t he New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?
Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?
Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?
Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?
Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?
I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.
And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right .. . when impending doom is upon us . . they'll always try to warn us....
SWINE FLEW ON WILL ROGERS
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
An archeological team, digging in Washington DC, has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.
SWINE FLEW ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Why I do not tolerate the Politically Correct movement.
Above all else, I consider it the most egregious violation of my First Amendment rights. I have heard so many people claim their rights are being violated when someone, rightly or not, criticizes them. If you cannot tolerate a bit of criticism you are probably dead wrong from the start. Shouting down someone’s attempt to explain why they disagree with you simply demonstrates your closed little mind. They may be wrong, but odds are there is some truth to what they are saying.
PC is criminally stupid. Are there more blacks in prison, yup, no argument. Are some of them there when a white man committed the same crime and avoided prison, sometimes that is true, but then sometimes not – see Rodney King. Are most black victims of crime victims of black criminals? I believe the number is well over 80%. If you howl about the first two while trying to hide the last this problem will never go away.
Are men and women different, of course, it’s a stupid question. Does that mean that you can’t find a woman that can do any particular job that a man can do, of course not. It is a true generality that men are better at some things and women better at others. I do not feel at all insulted when a woman points out how I can barely speak well in English much less other languages. At the same time I don’t expect screams of protest when the female representation in my field is very small. I am not keeping them out.
Not allowing an open discussion with all the facts (as opposed to inconvenient truths, whatever the hell those are) is the only reason global warming has gotten such a run. When the editor of the Chicago Tribune states that it would be irresponsible to publish both sides, the whole purpose of a free press has been violated. When Uganda stresses abstinence as the best way to curb Aids, and it works, but is not published because it does not fit the free sex thinkers world view, that isn’t PC, it’s murder.
My last outrage is over the English only argument. The folks trying to perpetrate the idea, that I should speak another language in my country, want to call me a bigot for telling them exactly where they can put that idea. I have no problem with coworkers speaking their language at work (as long as they are not giggling and pointing at me) as long as we can communicate easily in English. That’s not bigotry, its safety. If I cannot get my point across then people can get hurt and equipment damaged. I maintain that is not the English only crowd that are bigots. It’s the other side. There are approximately 4000 languages spoken on this world. Some of them don’t have a written form. One of those, Navaho, helped win World War 2 in the pacific. I can’t wait to see a stop sign with 3500 variations of STOP and a loud speaker. It is not possible to use all languages or even more than a few. So, who gets to decide which ones we use and what happens to the ones not represented? Since you can’t do it all the only (gag) PC way is English only.
SWINE FLEW ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS II
Why I don’t tolerate Political Correctness Part II
From Fox News:
DALLAS — What do "black hole," "angel food cake," and "devil's food cake" have in common?
They're all racist terms, says a Dallas County, Texas, official.
A county commissioners' meeting this week over traffic tickets turned into a tense discussion over race when one commissioner said the county's collections office was like a certain astronomical phenomenon.
"It sounds like Central Collections has become a black hole," Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said during the Monday meeting.
One black official demanded an apology, and Commissioner John Wiley Price, who also is black, said that type of language is unacceptable.
At the meeting, Mayfield said he intended his comments to be taken in the context of the scientific meaning, and became upset that he was being misunderstood.
Political correctness rules the road in Atlanta — which is replacing all its "Men at Work" signs with gender-neutral ones after a women's magazine editor complained of bias.
PC has almost no rules. Almost anyone can be offended by almost anything and you have no defense. Note that there is usually one constant rule: if you are a white male you are dead meat. In item 1, above, anyone that can manage to get more than a half dozen brain cells to fire at once knows exactly what was meant. Mayfield was not “misunderstood”, he was attacked by an idiot. In item 2 I guess the editor of the women’s magazine never actually watched the “men at work”.
If you actually apologize you are showing your weakness in front of the predators. They will then pick your bones clean and no amount of groveling is going to save you. At that point, since anything you say will be deliberately misunderstood, by nitwits who make it their life’s work to drag everyone down to their level, you can’t even explain what you really meant. Not that they would understand it if you tried.
I am a homophobe because I don’t think homosexuals deserve special rights.
I am a bigot because I don’t believe in reparations, “equal opportunity”, and do believe in speaking English only.
I am a sexist because I think a pretty woman is worth a second glance (or 3 while my wife isn’t looking).
I am sexually inadequate because I am a gun owner.
I am a male pig because I don’t get PMS. I am destroying the environment because I own a diesel pickup truck (that I can barely afford to fill up because no one will shoot the damn bears and start drilling (yum bear meat)).
I am a speciesist (what do they ingest to come up with this crap) because I think my life is more important than a spotted owl (haven’t tried owl meat).
Rules for dealing with the terminally offended:
Never apologize for being misunderstood. Explain what you meant and if they still wantto interpret it their way tell then that’s their problem.
This one isn’t mine but it bears repeating. Never argue with a fool. They will only bring you down to their level and then you are on their turf.
Always remember that you have the right to free speech in the public.
Always speak up. Otherwise the Noisy Nitwits will be in charge.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will receive $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American!
CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well, often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
EVERY DAY IS MEMORIAL DAY
I think perhaps that just maybe the only thing that comes close to knowingly give up your life for a country that doesn't know or care, is to watch your best friend give up forty years after that war.
Another friend still drinks himself blind.
He shot the basket the little girl was carrying. The bomb in the basket killed her instantly.
The Vietcong were holding her parents to make her do it. They killed her parents anyway.
Don, I hope your demons are gone.
YOU MIGHT BE A CONNECTICUT REDNECK IF...
To those of you who think the U.S. is the worst thing around
GO FUCK YOURSELVES
[The original text is contained in the first sentence of each entry. PIGster Swine Flew added his own commentary, which is denoted by an introductory ‘*’. Enjoy.]
You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
*Yup, it’s covering up that drafty hole in the outhouse.
You want to build a Statue of Lowell Weicker to commemorate the “Temporary Income Tax”.
*No, I want to build a statue using Lowell Weicker in the position best suited for us to do to him what he did to us.
You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
*I have called the ACLU several times, I just won’t repeat what I called them here.
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
*They don’t pay any now.
You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
*Hate the French.
You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
*Along with the words “State Department”
You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense because he lives in Winsted.
*True, I can’t hear him so he tends to make more sense that some people who are closer.
You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
*I’m not bothered by that, I’m bothered by the fact that she came back.
You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
*I think reality plays a bigger part.
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
*If I start now and I’m a disabled illegal alien.
You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
*Right again, using a trash compactor.
You think the Great Society has actually worked.
*To enlarge the government.
You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
*I was cutting onions damn it
You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
*If they read her they would have currency.
Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
*I think Massachusetts keeps electing them to get them out of the state and away from their daughters.
Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
*And I did after the Marine Corps taught me how.
You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
*No, I think Government is where they cut the cheese.
You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
*Without a safety line.
You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
*They are the little guy.
You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
*They are working on my cure for left wing liberals because Winchester turned me down.
You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
*Make great cage liners as long as I face then down to keep my dog from getting sick.
You know at least one Vegan.
*I also know a Martian, a unicorn, and an honest politician.
You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
*Maybe she was because he was sleeping it off, unfortunately he was in the driver’s seat.
You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
*A what? I have a Remington and a Winchester but they have wood stocks.
You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
*Particularly the ones that left the country and didn’t come back.
You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
*By shutting down most of the federal government.
You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
*That I didn’t want to hear.
You admire the Swedish welfare system.
*As a monument to fiscal stupidity.
You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
*See Ben Franklin’s comment about beer.
You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
*Of politicians pay.
You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
*I went to laugh.
After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."
*I think the clean word I used started with “Over”.
You voted for Obama so that no one would call you a racist.
*See 2 lines up
Proclamation of Amnesty and Pardon Granted to All Persons of European Descent
Whereas, Europeans kept my forebears in bondage some three centuries toiling without pay.
Whereas, Europeans ignored the human rights pledges of the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution,
Whereas, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments meant little more than empty words,
Therefore, Americans of European ancestry are guilty of great crimes against my ancestors and their progeny.
But, in the recognition Europeans themselves have been victims of various and sundry human rights violations to wit: the Norman Conquest, the Irish Potato Famine, Decline of the Hapsburg Dynasty, Napoleonic and Czarist adventurism, and gratuitous insults and speculations about the intelligence of Europeans of Polish descent,
I, Walter E. Williams, do declare full and general amnesty and pardon to all persons of European ancestry, for both their own grievances, and those of their forebears, against my people.
Therefore, from this day forward Americans of European ancestry can stand straight and proud knowing they are without guilt and thus obliged not to act like damn fools in their relationships with Americans of African ancestry.
Walter E. Williams, Gracious and Generous Grantor
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness."
The winner wrote:
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority,
and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
|NEW AIRLINE RULES
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
ONE WORD OR TWO
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
WIT & WISDOM CONTAINED IN MILITARY MANUALS
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- Infantry Journal
'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
'Aim towards the Enemy'
- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.'
- U.S. Marine Corps
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.'
- Infantry Journal
'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five second fuses only last three seconds'
- Infantry Journal
'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.'
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.'
- David Hackworth
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
- Infantry Journal
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.'
- Joe Gay
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'
'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.'
- From an old carrier sailor
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore unsafe.'
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.'
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If an ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'
'Never trade luck for skill.'
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.'
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.'
- Jon McBride, astronaut
'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.'
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.'
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.'
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'. The pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)