A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used KY jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR . . .
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
TODAYS ELEMENTARY LESSON
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 100 deputy neutrons and 435 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 561.
These 561 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
PLACES TO RETIRE TO
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: barely tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $350,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your leased Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think going to Central Park is "getting back to nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think someone making eye contact with you is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than five recipes for casseroles.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait and ammo in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense in court.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference.
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass is in the mountains and does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You'll never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
6. When a woman uses silicone, it’s labeled “Armorall”.
You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
6. The population of the state is old people…and their parents.
THE PASTOR'S DONKEY
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . Even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Talk About A Senior Moment
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"
It has come to our attention that you are continually under the influence of alcohol.
To clear the air, you are required to answer the question below.
Which direction is this car going..?
Thought so, you are drinking way to much ......!!!
Bar Story of The Week
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and Would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,
But the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
Takes the drunk by the shoulders, Looks him square in the eyes and says.....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home!
A practical example of how the human mind works
Analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think.
- For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice arse but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.
- The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.
- For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a nice arse - on her way to work.
- The perverts among them will imagine her naked.
- Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse.
- Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's arse will cause by the time she reaches 50.
- But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.
HURT FEELINGS FORM
SIGNS SEEN ROUND AND ABOUT
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
* * *
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
* * *
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
* * *
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
* * *
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
* * *
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
* * *
On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."
* * *
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
* * *
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
* * *
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
* * *
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
* * *
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
* * *
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
* * *
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
* * *
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
* * *
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
* * *
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
* * *
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
* * *
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
* * *
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
* * *
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
* * *
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
* * *
And don't forget the sign at a
Radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
* * *
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.
Smart Ass Answers
SMART ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight
Attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
SMART ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack Or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher Smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees And says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."