It's Awards season again, and this year, PIG is just as eager to play nail the nitwit as everybody else. This "Golden Oink" moment reared its ugly head during one of the brawls we laughingly call our staff meetings. Waking from his traditional post pizza orgy coma, our esteemed publisher ran this awards notion up the flagpole and ordered us to salute it. After trying, and failing, to run away from this Golden Oink adventure, we decided to play this silly awards season game, for the usual reason: to make him shut the hell up about it. But, it didn't take us long to see this awards scheme's distinct advantages as a purveyor of payback.

We know what you're thinking and you might be on to something, for a change. This might be just another plot by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. PIG's Golden Oinks might be another excuse for PIG to assassinate the pristine character of the liberals, foreign and domestic. The Golden Oinks could be more of that mean-spirited, culture of personal destruction for which PIG is infamous. We refuse to confirm those slanderous accusations, but we do admit it sounds a lot like something we'd do.

Whatever our motives - and we continue to deny everything - the Golden Oinks give us one more chance to give the usual suspects a suitable reward for providing us with the one thing PIG can't do without: grist for our Internet publishing adventure mill. We hope you enjoy our foray into Awards land, and warn you that the following list is destined to keep growing, during the coming day/weeks.

The Golden Oinks Awards - As of December 14, 2005

Stand Up Guys and Gals

Hollywood Patriot of The Year - Bruce Willis, for daring to defy his lefty counterparts by publically, very personally, supporting our troops, Gary Sinise for unflinching support of our troops and Iraqi children (Tie)

Je$$e, Sharpton, and Farakahn's Worse Nightmare - The Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson

Capitol Hill Hero of the Year - Tom Tancredo, for defying the President and all the President's minions to sound the alarm about the border jumping scumbag invasion.

Lawman of the Year - Maricopa County (Arizona) County Sheriff Joe Arpaio [He makes the inmates wear pink undies. What more do you need to know?]

Heroes of the Year - All our men and women in uniform, especially those who made the ultimate sacrifice while defending our liberty.

Runner Up Heroes - The Amerikan citizens in the Minuteman project who interrupted their lives to do the job that Uncle Sam should be doing.

Positively PIGish Awards

Most Amusing Marxist Dictator - Hugo Chavez

Supernaturalist of the Year - Pat "Smite Them Lord" Robertson

Victim/Whiner of the Year - Cindy Sheehan

Ethnocrat of the Year - Je$$e [He got more face time on network news than Katie Couric]

Girlie Man of The Year - Zarqawi - [Gutless to the core, he talks other people into becoming martyrs because he hasn't got the guts to do it himself.]

Hyphenation of the Year - "Afro-Panamanian"

PIG Hater of the Year - Mark F. [He thinks we're sheets and hood wearing Nazis.]

PIG Staffer of the Year - Spike The Wonder Tyke

PIG Publisher's Premier Pain-In-The Butt Award - Sean Hannity [For a year filled with abuses on a wide range of issues.]

Information Superhighway Speed Bump of the Year - Do we dare? We Dare. PIG wins in a landslide.

Politics

Political Pratfall of the Year - The Harriet Miers Nomination

Capitol Hill Boondoggle of the Year - Ted Stevens' Bridge to Nowhere

Double-Clutching Tongue, Political Prattle of the Year - "I voted for the bill, before I voted against it."

Bloviating Blowhard of the Year - Teddy "The Swimmer" Kennedy and Robert "Pork Barrel" Byrd. (Tie)

Al Jezeera Poster Punk of the Year - John "Cut and Run" Murtha

Bleeding Heart Tinsel Town Liberal of the Year - Rob "Meathead" Reiner

Justice System Awards

Most Egregious Assault on Individual Liberty - The U.S. Supreme Court, for it's property rights eviscerating Eminent Domain Ruling

Differently-Cooperative Defendant of the Year - Saddam Hussein

I Got Away With It Award - Mikey Jackson, Robert Blake (Tie)

What the Hell Are They Smoking Lifetime Achievement Award - 9th Circuit Court of Appeals

Educrap

Amerika-Hating Liberal Egghead Pissant of the Year - Ward Churchill

Most Asinine Zero Tolerance Antic - Expelling an 8th grader whose only infraction involved compiling a list of students and teachers who annoy him

Jaw Dropping Educrat Antic of the Year - Montgomery County Schools brazen redefinition of Abstinence.

[Excerpt from a PIG News article dated 11/28/2005: The three forms of abstinence are documented in something called the "contraceptive comparison chart". This abstinence in triplicate is a featured attraction in the 8th grade health class at Herbert Hoover Middle School:

Method One: Classic, keep it in your pants, Sparky, abstinence.

Method Two: Pull before you pop, Sparky abstinence, I.E., "Withdrawal (ejaculation outside the body)"

Method Three: That time honored Rosary True Believer gem, the rhythm system - no boinking during ovulation.

PIG News is compelled to side with the two concerned parents who kicked up a fuss over this attempt to redefine reality. Call us names if you must, but anything that involves full fledged boinking isn't abstinence.]

Entertainment/Sports/Media

Trust Fund Skank of The Year - Paris Hilton

Drunken Trailer Trash Skank of the Year - Anna Nicole Smith

Tinsel Town Has-Been, Drunken Skank of the Year - Tara Reid

Immaculate Conception of the Year - Katie "Twerpy Tommy Cruise (allegedly) Slept Here" Holmes

Cult Obsessed, Couch Jumping Wingnut of the Year - Twerpy Tommy Cruise

Liar of the Year - Rafael Palmiero

Liar of the Year Runner-Up - Barry "I can't even spell steroids" Bonds

The Babe Ruth of Blabbering Blubber - Michael "The Maggot" Moore.

News Babe of the Year - Sharon "Golden Globes" Tay

Karl Rove Kool-Aid Drinker of the Year - Hugh Hewitt

Kool-Aid Drinker Runner-Up - Sean Hannity

Bellowing Boob Tube Blowhard of the Year - Chris Matthews

Cost Cutter of the Year - Bill "I scared big oil into cutting gas prices" O'Reilly

Media Meathead of the Year - Rita Cosby [For her utterly inane Tookie Williams interview.]

Media Meathead Dishonorable Mentions - Dan Rather, Larry King, Sean Hannity

Special Bonus for dedicated PIGsters:
The Hambos
Some very special Awards perpetrated by PIG's Executive Editor.