PIG'S GANTRY AWARDS
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THE FREE STATE OF PIG REWARDS RICHLY DESERVING MEN OF THE CLOTH FOR THEIR NOTEWORTHY WORDS AND DEEDS.

Is the Free State of PIG getting ready to do a hatchet job on Christianity? Nope. Is the Free State of PIG getting ready to excoriate the toll collector at your local Toll Booth on the highway to heaven? Nope. Is the Free State of PIG so full of itself that it’s going to discuss the fine points of Christian theology? Wrong again, three strikes you’re out Sparky.

This week, the Free State of PIG is righting a wrong...we’re finally giving proper attention to certain men of the cloth whose claim to PIGish fame has little or nothing to do with their theology, their soul saving or their charitable endeavors. Their claim to fame has everything to do with certain peripheral elements of their demeanor or character. Confused, don’t be. You’ll catch on quickly enough.

The worst kept secret inside the PIG bunker is the fact that our unabashedly pagan editor, Hambo, finds certain toll takers - especially America’s televangelists - endlessly fascinating. After an impressive sales job on an intransigent Porcus, Hambo succeeded in talking PIG’s publisher into letting him pay proper tribute to some of his favorite Tome wranglers. As easily as that, PIG’s first - and probably last - Gantry Awards were born.

Lifetime Achievement Award: This coveted award is being presented to one of our pioneering televangelists. This man of the cloth made such a vivid impression on Hambo that our editor immortalized him in a rant on his greatest hits page - ‘That Old Time Religion’. Now in his late 80s, our award winner is still going strong.

We’re pleased to honor Ernest Angley, a pioneering televangelist whose healing services are legendary. It was during these early telecasts that Ernest popularized - we think he might have originated it - "the thump". The thump? It’s that tap - Ernest has been known to use a karate chop in certain difficult cases - that makes the healed individual fall backwards as the healing power surges through them.

Best Glorifying Grooming: This award goes to another healer, the legendary Benny Hinn, for his hypnotic, hurricane-proof hair. Hurricane Katrina might have flattened New Orleans, but it couldn’t ruffle a single hair on Benny’s head.

Best Fire and Brimestone: We’re pleased to confer this coveted award on that titan of televangelism, John Hagee. When it comes to scorching the devil’s hide, nobody does it like Pastor John.

Best Apology Tour Pit Stop: Reverend Al Sharpton snagged this one when he hounded Don Imus out of a job and tamed the mighty Dog the Bounty Hunter. The Reverend Al owns this one so completely, we’re thisclose to naming it after him.

Rookie of the Year: The Reverend Jeremiah Wright has been ‘in the game’ for decades, but he didn’t appear on the public stage until Barack O’Dumbo’s political fortunes reached critical mass. The Reverend Wright aced a Gantry, this week, when he pioneered an innovative new phenomenon with the first known "BITE ME" tour.

Best Use of UFOs: This Gantry goes to Calypso Louis Farrakhan who reports that, in 1985, he was whisked up to a "human built planet" he called the "Mother Wheel". Once in that city in the sky, he had a chat with Elijah Muhammad about a forthcoming war that Uncle Sam was getting ready to wage on the Melanin-Enriched denizens of America, the Nation of Islam and Calypso Louis himself. Thus warned, Louis was returned to Earth where he spread the word about his grand UFO adventure.

Faith Will Move Mountains Award: Paul Crouch, the driving force behind the world spanning Trinity Bible Network, aced this one early in his broadcast career. Back in the day, his one boob tube station was egregiously underpowered and the signal was being blocked by a strategically placed mountain. Standing on the roof of his station, Crouch prayed for divine intervention and he got it. According to Paul Crouch, Old Ka Boom heard his prayer and moved the mountain just enough to unblock the station’s signal.

Comeback Kid of the Year: The last time you saw him, a shattered, distraught, Jim Bakker was being carted off to a graybar for his Heritage USA antics. Believe it or not, he’s back in the business and doing just fine. After shedding his former wife, Tammy Faye Bakker, he married a woman named Lori. After knocking around for a couple years, Jim settled in Branson (Missouri) where he’s back in the televangelism game. He’s even got a new tourist attraction called Morningside. Welcome back Jimbo.

Best Fund Raising Pitch: Oral Roberts’ antics in this area are legendary. In January of 1987, Oral Roberts reported his most recent conversation with Old Ka Boom. According to Roberts, Old Ka Boom found an innovative way to motivate his dude, Oral, to raise some money for a world-spanning network of medical missionaries. If Oral didn’t raise $8 million dollars in dead presidents by March 1st, Old Ka-Boom would snuff Oral ("I want you to get this going...or I will call you home."). Properly inspired, Oral snagged an impressive $9.1 million for the task before the appropriately named DEADline.

Toughest Tome Wrangling Gig: At first glance, being Pope is a cushy gig. You’re the head of one of the largest denominations in the world. You live in a palace that’s decorated with some of the greatest art works in human history. You’re venerated by millions of parishioners around the world. What’s not to like.

The downside to this gig is equally impressive. He’s required to apologize and atone for the crimes of others - the rampant child abuse by priests. The Pope lives in the D-Cup heartland, but despite all that hot Italian booty in his neighborhood, he never gets horizontal and squishy. He lives in a nation that makes some of the greatest rides in recorded history, but instead of riding around in a Ferrari, he’s forced to appear in a piece of crap called the Popemobile. The ultimate indignity is that the Pope is forced to wear a DRESS!

Best At Flaunting It: This Gantry is, I regret to report, conferred posthumously, on a televangelist icon named Dr. Gene Scott. This bearded, cigar chopping, Tome wrangler’s idea of humility involved riding the chauffeur driven Bentley to the Toll Booth instead of the Rolls. He liked to pack the front row of his audience with hotties, because he didn’t want a bunch of old ladies staring lustfully at him. Dr. Gene was one of a kind and we all miss him.

Best Plea for Forgiveness: Jimmy Swaggart won his Gantry by a landslide for his on-air apology when he was snagged by the secular authorities for getting too close to his work. It happened after Jimmy’s second bust for conducting a pay for play transaction with a horizontal entertainment professional. That’s when Jimmy threw himself on the mercy of the celestial court in one of the greatest moments in television history: "I have sinned against You, my Lord."

Best Smiting: Pat Robertson is in a class by himself in this category. After the September 11th attacks, he warned that Old Ka Boom had withdrawn his protection of America due to this nation’s many secular sins: rampant abortion, kicking the Bible and Old Ka-Boom out of public schools, and booting the Ten Commandments from the public square.

Our favorite, magic Pat moment is his warning to Orlando (Flori-DUH) city officials who dared to - GASP - fly the GLAAD BAAG rainbow flag from city lampposts during Disney World’s Gay Days event. That elicited this memorable Robertson ‘stand by for a smiting’ prose: "I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. ... [A] condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs, it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor."

Some of you, and you know who you are, think that L. Ron Hubbard and his Scientology meatheads belong on this list, somewhere, somehow. We get that, but aren’t fully convinced that Scientology qualifies as a recognized supernaturalist sect. If we did include it, the category is obvious: The Best Invocation of E. T. First, there’s all the science fiction bull crap about Thetans. A more compelling argument cites the fact that Scientology’s most notorious front man, Twerpy Tommy Cruise, is all the proof anyone needs that, not only does E. T. exist, he’s living among us and has a daughter named Suri.

We also considered the Reverend Je$$e Jackson for ‘Best Race Hustler’, but decided that his racial extortion didn’t merit a lofty tribute like PIG’s Gantry Award. The less said about Je$$e, the better.

Admittedly, this list is woefully incomplete. We’re whipped with guilt, however, we’re not whipped with guilt that we dared to have some fun with a very sensitive subject. Has the Free State of PIG boldly gone where wiser men fear to tread? Perhaps, but that’s why you keep visiting our cyberspace speed bump. We wrote this story with our tongues firmly planted inside our cheeks and with considerable, heartfelt, affection for most of these award winners.

Channeling our inner O’Dumbo, we HOPE that you enjoyed reading our Gantry Awards as much as we enjoyed writing them. If not, we expect you’ll try to CHANGE our attitude with a fiery e-mail. That’s life in the fast lane, PIGsters.

 

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TOON TIME

PIG takes a walk on the wild side through a Politically Correct Cartoon Universe.

With the writers on strike and Tinsel Town gradually shutting down for a long siege, we’re watching more reruns and cartoons than usual. So far it’s under control, but you’ll know there’s big trouble in the PIGdom when we switch to lite beer and begin viewing a steady stream of - SHUDDER - reality shows.

For the moment, we’re holding up nicely, thanks to some familiar, but entertaining, fare like The Simpsons and South Park. We have, however, detected the noxious stench of political correctness wafting up from certain other toons. The newer breed of toons are the worst offenders. In some cases the story lines are straight out of the Korrectnik playbook. We can overlook those, but what happens when these Korrectnik twerps mess with classic cartoon fare?

We’re sad to report that one of our favorite cartoon characters has fallen victim to political correctness. No longer a proud member of Uncle Sam’s armed forces, G.I. Joe is now affiliated with a multinational United Nations force. Poor Joe had to turn in his camouflaged gear, and weaponry, for a blue helmet plus an arm band. Instead of mowing down the enemy with a well-coordinated attack, he’s now a lowly courier who delivers sternly worded warnings from the Black Helicopter Club. We feel your pain, G.I. Joe.

If they can do this to an American cartoon icon like G.I. Joe, where does it end? After commiserating with G.I. Joe over his undeserved fate, the PIG staff decided it might be a dose of hellish fun to visit the dark side. How? By recasting some of our favorite cartoon characters in a properly Korrectnik light.

We begin this Korrected cartoon journey with one of our favorite super heros, by asking ourselves some pressing questions. Will Superman be demoted to ‘better than average man’ to assuage the sensitivities of the merely mortal? Will he be forced to drop "Truth, justice and the American way", and espouse "propaganda, diversity and the good of society as a whole" instead? Will he be forced to ‘come out’, and admit that this whole ‘Lois Lane rocks my world’ whopper is a smokescreen to cover up his unrequited lust for Jimmy Olsen?

Batman seems beyond redemption, when viewed through Korrectnik eyes. Will Batman be eviscerated after a lavish, public trial for "contributing to the delinquency of a minor", Robin? Will he be charged with hate crimes for kicking the butt of ethically challenged individuals who have been oppressed into a life of crime by greedy capitalists like Bruce Wayne? Will he be grounded, and have his driving privileges revoked, for his unsafe at any speed antics on land, on the water, and in the air? Will he be forced to give all his money to the parasite horde and relocate his Bat digs to the nearest homeless shelter? Enquiring minds want to know.

Will the Simpsons be booted from Springfield and sent to Ecuador? Will Bart be forced to "Press 1" before he can write English language messages on the school blackboard?

Will they relocate South Park to some wide spot on a rustic slice of Zimbabwe nothingness? Will Cartman be hunted down and cooked up for dinner by the starving locals?

How about a venerable toon icon like Sad Sack? His name alone is enough to give a Korrectnik nightsweats. "Sad" must go, because it gives the clinically depressed among us a psychological boo-boo. Since Korrectniks love hyphenation, we’ll need to change it to Differently-Mirthful Sack. Well, not really. "Sack" might do enormous psychological damage to the unemployed among us. Can we cope? You better believe it, Sparky: "Differently-Mirthful Open-Ended Paper Container" gets the job done.

Popeye is replete with politically incorrect images that need to be civilized. For starters, Popeye needs to stop swilling all that spinach and stage an intervention with Olive Oyl. She’s dangerously anorexic and in need of immediate help. Blutto needs to be tamed and that will require a full court press anger management regime under a Doctor Phil class tyrant. Wimpie - poor Wimpie - needs to develop a more positive body image and learn to serve as a proper role model for the tykes who, tragically, emulate his hamburger swilling ways. There’s nothing wrong with Wimpie that getting horizontal and squishy with a hard core vegan woman won’t cure. Popeye needs to take charge, because his cartoon world is a politically incorrect mess.

To a tree hugging, ecological maniac, The Flintstones is a horror show from start to finish. The same invisible forces who exiled G.I. Joe to that U.N. blue helmet hell will completely transform the Flintstones. For starters, the enslavement of animals must end, immediately. Furthermore, that whole ‘working in the rock quarry’ storyline must go. Instead, we’ll turn Fred and Barney into prehistoric versions of Johnny Appleseed who wander around - ON FOOT - all day, planting trees and worshiping rainbows.

‘Road Runner’ is another toon that seems headed for a bitter dose of Korrecting. The title character is above reproach, but his nemesis, Wyle. E. Coyote, is another story entirely. If a Korrectnik ever stumbles over this classic toon character, they’ll go ballistic. Faster than a ACME delivery, Wyle will be condemned as, at minimum, a sociopath, but ‘homicidal maniac’ is a more likely assessment. For the good of society as a whole, Wyle will be exiled from the public eye to an intense regime that will teach him a more socially acceptable method of conflict resolution.

In this Korrected, cartoon universe, Bugs Bunny’s nemesis, Elmer Fudd, would be a man with multiple bull’s-eyes affixed to him. Armed and dangerous, he would become the poster punk for gun toting lunatics who hide behind the Second Amendment. If that’s not enough misery for a lifetime, you gotta know that Bugs will have PETA all over Elmer’s butt for his well-documented hostility toward a certain "Dwatted Wabbit". All things considered, Elmer will be lucky to last a New York minute under the crossfire from PETA and these gun-hating dweebs. Be afraid, Elmer...be very afraid.

Are we having fun yet? Have we ruined your entire week? Don’t worry, we’re about to put you in therapy for DECADES. To prove that PIG has no mercy on its readers whatsoever, we’re going to inflict a whole new level of pain on you with this dose of venerable, and tortured, rhyming Hambo abuse.

Power Failure
There's an Ozone Hole up in the Sky
It's Time We Faced the Facts
They Say Greenhouse Will Heat the Globe
And Melt the Polar Caps
We Need Some Help; We Need it Now
It's Gonna Hit the Fan
There's a Super-hero Shortage
Did They Sell out to Iran?

Rambo's in Afganistan
Batman's Round the Bend
Superman Has Krypton Rash
And Conan's into Zen
There's a Super-hero Shortage
It's Scary but It's True
There's a Super-hero Shortage
What're We Gonna Do?

The Big One's Stalkin Old L.A.
Old Richter's Sure to Peg
Yes, Shake & Bake Will Rock and Roll
When Andy Shakes His Leg
Don't Need No Movin Experience
It Ain't My Kinda Thing
There's a Super-hero Shortage
Is the Fat Chick Gonna Sing?

The Hornet Lost His Stinger
G.I. Joe Went Peter Pan
Wonder Babe Has PMS
And Xena’s in Japan
There's a Super-hero Shortage
I'm Not Exactly Thrilled
There's a Super-hero Shortage
This Crap Could Get Me Killed

Reports of Sightings Far and Wide
Do Give Us Such a Fright
They Use Their Alien Devices
To Rob Our Will to Fight
These Small, Strange-eyed Invaders
Have Got Us on Our Knees
There's a Super-hero Shortage
Save Me from Those Damn Chinese!

She-Ra Had a Sex Change
He-Man's down with Stress
The Hulkster's out in Hollywood
And Geraldo's Just A...(Mess)
There's a Super-hero Shortage
I'm Gonna Need a Hit
There's a Super-hero Shortage
This World Has Gone to Shit.

Now that we've shredded your sanity - a dirty job we enjoy doing - we'll give you time to grab a brewskie then we can wrap this up. Are 'we' feeling better now, shocked and dismayed Sparky?

For now, these Korrected classic cartoons exist only in our fevered PIGish brains. The only exception is G.I. Joe, who will never again be the man he was. If you hate what they did to G.I. Joe as much as we do, we have a suggestion. Track down a classic Road Runner episode and enjoy a dose of laugh a minute, cartoon fun. It's the PIGish thing to do. Beep! Beep!

The following supplemental material appeared in Tasty Tidbits

As much as we enjoyed doing this week’s top story on cartoons, we feel like we barely scratched the surface. We’ll try, in our feeble way to make up for that, here.

Mickey Mouse: Given his connection with the unrivaled Kings of capitalist exploiters - the Disney Corporation - he is damaged goods before one cartoon image is shown. Guilty due to his association with those reviled capitalists, it would be a major challenge to redeem him. Perhaps, if he changed his name to Karl "Che" Rhodinski and organized a Marxist-Leninist revolutionary movement dedicated to the overthrow of the USA, he could begin to atone for his sins. I can see him now, decked out in his fatigues packing an AK-47 in one hand and a copy of ‘Das Kapital’ in the other. Viva Che Rhodinski! He’s a mouse fighting for the exploited workers. (PIGish aside: the sound you heard is Walt Disney rolling over in his grave.)

Daffy Duck: Like our pal Sad Sack, the primary problem here comes from the name. ‘Daffy’ gives the synaptically challenged and the differently rational a major boo-boo. ‘Duck’ is also stress inducing since it would evoke painful memories in bouncers and punch drunk pugilists. Something with a Brit flair might slip through: "Wonky Waterfowl". Alliteration still rocks our world, get over it.

Porky Pig: "Porky" is a non-starter since it will give differently skinny tykes a boo-boo and further aggravate their crappy body image. "PIG" - our all time favorite word for obvious reasons is doubly cursed. First of all it is closely affiliated with a certain egregiously politically incorrect speed bump in cyberspace. More important, it’s a double whammy for the same reasons that "Porky" must be banned. Porky Pig is the same as taunting some tyke with "Fat Fat water rat". We can’t have that so we'll soften the blow by renaming this toon icon, "Husky Ham". More alliteration? You better believe it.

Woody Woodpecker: The primary problem with this bird is the fact that he’s a nightmare when it comes to his destruction of that large form of flora that makes a ski slope especially thrilling. Woody needs to spend some quality time with ELF (Earth Liberation Front) so he can establish a new, more harmonious relationship with trees. Maybe if he started wearing a beret and called himself Woody the Tree Avenger, it would make things right with those lunatic fringe tree huggers.

Aquaman: There’s something very fishy about this dude and all his splashing around. We’ve seen the way he leers at that Little Mermaid jailbait, Ariel. There’s nothing ‘super’ or ‘heroic’ about that. We are deeply troubled that he’s allowed to entertain America’s children. Shame, shame, shame.

Peanuts: Where do we begin? With the name, I suppose, which will terrify the crap out of those tykes with a chronic allergy to Jimmy Carter’s favorite nosh. Speaking of Jimmy, the name "Peanuts" will have a similar effect on those vintage PIGsters who still wake up screaming when they dream about the 4 most horrendous years in American history, the Carter Administration. From top to bottom, the entire cast of this toon is replete with profoundly debilitating psychological problems. It is, I’m reluctant to say, beyond redemption and needs to be put down, for the good of society as a whole.

Tha...That's all folks.

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I DIDN'T DO IT

A New Egghead Study Proves Mom Was
Right About The Sorry Company You Keep.

Blamism is alive, well, and boldly going where nobody expected it to go in the first decade of the 21st century. We were, to say the least, more than a tad amused when a group of Eggheads with nothing better to do studied the reasons that people get fat. The simple answer: your habit of slam dunking, shoe-horning and cramming down insane quantities of the wrong food seems to be a likely explanation. Alas, that dose of personal accountability is wrong according to the results of a study that were just pooped out in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine.

The other, likely, choice - one that’s very popular - is that your excess tonnage is a dastardly plot by fast food wrangling capitalists. They’re the manipulative scumbags who brainwashed you as a child with mind-numbing advertising on kiddie programs then ruined your girlish figure with an assortment of tempting, fat-inducing fare. We know this because the transfat obsessed twerps in our midst tell us that’s the reason. That might still be in play, but it’s not the conclusion reached by this study.

The study data reveals that the primary reason you’re a wide-load is because your best friend is a wide-load. Your lardass sibling and bloated parents have an impact but it’s not as great. We are, to say the least, stunned, and the implications of this completely disrupt our cherished blame-shifting calculations. During our brewskie-fueled, melee, uh, discussion, on this topic, the following excellent points were raised:

* According to these Egghead psychobabblers and their crock of a theory, a friendship with a human hippo makes you reach elephantine proportions. Since you’re a 'View' fanatic and came to consider Rosie your best friend in the world, it’s her fault that you’re fat and she needs to go into rehab at the nearest fat farm so YOU can shed a ton or two. Is that where this ‘study’ leads us?

* Does this ‘fat friends make you fat’ scam work in reverse? Will dumping your lardass friends and replacing them with poster punks and punkettes for anorexia make you skinny again?

* Would hanging around rich people make you rich?

* If your best friend is dumber than a box of rocks, are your brain cells going to abandon ship, en masse?

* If your friend has blond hair, are you going to wake up one morning with blonde hair?

* If you associate with Catholic priests, well, never mind, we all know what happens there.

* If you’re BFF (best female friend) is built like brick you know what, will you magically sprout Pam Anderson class sweater puppies to prove your friendship? Conversely, if you don’t sprout, can your ‘friend’, quite rightly, conclude that you’re not the friend you pretend to be?

* If your best chum is hung like John Holmes or Tommy Lee, will your trouser inchworm turn into a trouser anaconda? We doubt it, so don’t throw away your magnifying glass, hung like a chipmunk Sparky.

* Since Teddy 'The Swimmer' is the main man on the Senate floor and everybody's 'dear friend from Massachusetts' is he the reason that everyone in the Senate seems to be a drunken, womanizing, MORON?

If this study has you utterly and completely befuddled, we’ve got your back. Here, as a public service of PIG, are some questions that should help you cope with this momentous, mom warned me not to hang around him/her discovery.

You're such a wide-load you need to use the loading dock entrance to lumber into Baskin Robbins. Whose fault is it?
a) Your plodding herd of bigger than the Goodyear Blimp friends?
b) Your "Children are starving in Angola, so clean up your plate" parents?
c) Big bones/a thyroid condition?
d) Dick Cheney, because everything else is his fault?

You self-medicated your last functional synapse into submission. Whose fault is it?
a) Your loser friends who, shoot, snort, pop and gulp down anything that numbs their alleged brain?
b) Your "Just say no" hypocrite parents who get gunned to the gills on adult beverage every night?
c) What Dr. Phil might call an 'addictive personality disorder'?
d) Karl Rove, because everyone knows that there's more in that Kool-Aid than sugar and flavored water?

You're such a complete horndog that every porn site in cyberspace rolls out the red carpet for you. Whose fault is it?
a) Your porn monkey pal, Ziggy, who keeps sending you all those horizontal and squishy Internet links?
b) Your Holy Roller parents whose idea of a 'sex talk' involved giving you a 'how babies are made' book when your hormones started raging?
c) A chronic sexual addiction that defies modern medical science?
d) Jimmy Swaggart, because he introduced you to the 'get out of sin free' card?

Your DMV record is so loaded with traffic tickets it's the size of the Manhattan phone book. Whose fault is it?
a) Your street racing bonkers pal 'Crash', who keeps saying "You drive like an old lady"?
b) Your southern-fried parents who, eat, sleep, live and breath NASCAR?
c) Your attention deficit disorder because it makes you incapable of staying focused on traffic signals, stop signs and speed limits?
d) The Tri-Lateral Commission, because they use Draconian traffic laws to enslave you?

You're drowning in red ink and consider anything more than 50 cents in your pocket serious money. Whose fault is it?
a) Your pal 'Mooch', who elevated the 'have you got a spare buck' touch to an art form?
b) Your cheap bastard fatcat parents who insisted that you learn the REAL value of $ by earning it yourself?
c) Racism/sexism/classism that keeps you from getting a job that doesn't include the phrase "Do you want fries with that"?
d) Ronald Reagan, because trickle down economics never drips down to your level?

Your neighbors keep complaining that your dead lawn is an eyesore and is creating a mini dust bowl in the neighborhood. Whose fault is it?
a) Your prime dude, Spud, who was born with a tv remote in his hand, and keeps saying, "Yard work is for losers."?
b) Your parents who thwarted your dreams of a lawncare empire by hiring Juan the border jumper’s lawn service?
c) Global Warming, because it seems especially strong on your homestead?
d) Halliburton, because an Art Bell caller warned that they were cornering the market on lawncare products?

Despite a college degree and top graduation honors you’re stuck in a loser job. Whose fault is it?
a) Your best friend Tina who swore that a degree in sociology was the fast track to success?
b) Your parents who should have tried a lot harder to keep you from hanging out with a tramp like Tina?
c) Secondhand smoke from all those dives Tina dragged you into clouded your judgement?
d) WalMart, because that human services bitch laughed when you told her about your Sociology degree?

Okay, we’ve had some fun beating this ‘it’s all your friend’s fault’ crap into submission, but we feel obligated to state the obvious. If you’re fat, broke, can’t keep a job, are a menace behind the wheel of a car, or a hundred other sorry things, the culprit is as close as the nearest mirror. He/she is that familiar face who is staring back at you. It’s called personal accountability AKA taking responsibility for your own actions, your own choices. We’re just a tad shocked that these alleged ‘bright bulbs’ who perpetrated this study never found the time, or motivation to broach the subject.

You’re not a helpless victim whose life is controlled by crappy friends, bad parenting, an alphabet soup of syndromes or dark forces plotting against you. It’s your life, so if you’re not thrilled with the way it’s going, stop bitching, get off your butt and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Don’t make us come over there.

 

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PIG's INCORRECT WONDERS
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PIG jumps into the Wonders list fervor with both feet.
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

We’re thrilled to report that Al Gore’s inescapable, worldwide "we’re all gonna die" scare-a-thon is finally out of our misery, for the moment. With the High Priest of Global Warming hyperbole busy counting his "blessings" and pocketing those Live Earth profits, the news cycle has, mercifully, moved on again. The newest "here today, forgotten tomorrow" news nitwit obsession centers on an updated, deliberately politically correct, list for the ‘New Wonders of the World’. Curiously, Al Gore’s monumental ego and Teddy ‘The Swimmer’ Kennedy’s 4 decade long booze binge didn’t make the cut. Life is so unfair that way.

The original seven wonders of the world were designated by some Greek travelers who returned home to write about - compile a list of - some especially memorable places they visited. The original seven wonders were selected because they inspired awe in these Greek travelers. That’s certainly the case for statue of Zeus at Olympus and the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus. One of these wonders - the pyramids of Giza - still exist and continue to inspire awe in anyone who stands beside them.

The new list is, I’m compelled to point out, saturated with political correctness, petty politics and assorted other noxious crap. The man behind the New 7 Wonders campaign, a Swiss adventurer named Bernard Webber, wanted a more "inclusive" set of wonders, wonders from around the globe. He got his wish when, after trimming the list to 21 candidates, 100 million votes were cast via the Internet and cell phone text messages. The results were predictable, but many of those items selected don’t exactly inspire awe, Brazil’s statue of Christ Redeemer being a prime example. Bernard got the ‘diversity’ he wanted with two ‘wonders’ from Asia - the Great Wall of China, India’s Taj Mahal - three from Latin America (ironically the numerous expressway wide tunnels under our southern border didn’t make the cut) and one ‘wonder’ from Jordan in addition to Rome’s Colosseum.

After we finished critiquing this new list of merely mortal, alleged ‘wonders’ at the local brewskie emporium, our waitress - an amply endowed brunette whose cleavage inspired awe in every damn one of us - went pathetic and progressive on us. Glaring at us, she challenged, "You guys think you’re so damn smart. Can you do any better?" As usual, Hambo was up to the challenge and, tearing his eyes from those amazing sweater puppies he replied, "You better damn believe it, D-cup Sparky."

We started off on our quest for PIG’s Politically Incorrect Wonders armed with an ‘active mind’ and the burning question: Who and/or what is so blatantly politically incorrect it strikes us with awe? Were we up to this challenge? We like to think so. However, Hambo’s insistence that we launch ourselves on this quest without the aid and comfort of adult beverage made the task much harder than we wanted or needed.

Declaration of Independence & U.S. Constitution: In this Korrectness-saturated moment in history, nothing is more politically incorrect that our Founding Fathers’ vision of a nation founded on inalienable individual liberty. These two documents defy all the prevailing conventions. The Declaration of Independence dares to proclaim that each individual is born with a birthright of inalienable liberty. The U.S. Constitution is dares to tell a nation’s government, in great specificity, that its powers are limited and are subservient to "we the people". Call us names if you must but inalienable individual liberty and limited government inspire every damn one of us with awe.

Heart Attack Grill: With the Health Nazis using the Nanny State’s monopoly on the use of force to dictate what we can eat, we’re compelled to salute an eatery that dares to be blatantly politically incorrect. Loaded with a lifetime’s worth of transfats and other tasty artery clogging goodies, the legendary Quadruple Bypass Burger is everything the Health Nazis love to hate. The Heart Attack Grill kicks their incorrectness up a notch with waitresses who dress up as very naughty nurses. Awe inspiring? Oh, hell yes!
(Colorado’s Blue Parrot restaurant, home of the Wopburger, ran a very close second on this one.)

Talk Radio: Love it or hate it, Talk Radio belongs on the list of politically incorrect wonders. Essentially, the electronic version of the town meeting, Talk Radio allows sovereign individuals to gather in one place, debate those issues of the day and band together, voluntarily, to achieve some common goal. If you doubt that this qualifies as politically incorrect, just ask one of the U.S. Senators - Kyl, Martinez, Graham, Lott - who were on the receiving end of talk radio listener outrage. Watching sovereign individuals who met via talk radio reign in their out of control government’s Amnesty scheme is awe inspiring. If you still doubt Talk Radio’s politically incorrect qualifications, ask yourself this: If Talk Radio isn’t a bastion of incorrectness, then why are the Nanny State Nitwits trying to kill it?

Hugh Hefner: That’s right, PIGsters, we’re saluting a known LIBERAL for his political incorrectness. Hugh’s politics notwithstanding, we find him awe inspiring for his personal lifestyle. What’s more politically incorrect than a Viagra-popping octogenarian whose work centers on looking a pictures of naked women? What’s more politically incorrect than a dude who gives traditional family values the one finger salute by living with his trio of young enough to be his great granddaughter girlfriends? As far as we’re concerned, Hef bagging a cosmic hottie like Kendra Wilkerson is as awe inspiring as life gets.

The Internet: By its very nature, this last bastion of truly FREE speech on planet Earth is politically incorrect to the core. It has something for everyone and many things that none of us want, but that, too, is the nature of free speech. The Internet is so notoriously politically incorrect that governments around the world are trying - and ultimately failing - to keep their enslaved populace from accessing all those politically incorrect sites where inalienable liberty is still celebrated. We travel the world electronically and that, PIGsters, should inspire everyone with awe.

Danish Cartoonists: When it comes to awe-inspiring acts of political incorrectness, there are numerous worthy candidates. That champion of the Second Amendment and bane of PETA’s existence, Ted Nugent, comes to mind as a prime example. Ann Coulter and her gift for explosive prose is another, but in her case the incorrectness doesn’t always ring true. When it comes to that hallmark of inalienable liberty, the courage of one’s convictions, the Danish Cartoonists who served up those images of the Mecca Maniac prophet are in a class by themselves. They put their lives on the line when they dared to set Jihadikaze hair on fire around the world. We honor them with our deepest respect for that courageous feat.

PIG: Admittedly, on the political incorrectness scale, we’re not in the same league as any of the other items or individuals on this list. We included ourselves for several trivial reasons, the foremost of which is quite simple. For reasons we don’t pretend to understand, these "Wonders" lists are always seven items long. Try as we might, we came up with six. What’s that? Inspiring awe? Oh, that. We inspire awe in ourselves by managing to get through each tumultuous day in the PIG bunker without killing each other. We inspire awe in ourselves when we realize that those men sitting in the SUVs parked down the block from the bunker still haven’t stormed our gates to take us to the proverbial ‘controlled environment’. We inspire awe in ourselves when we realize that so many of you take some time from your day to visit our politically incorrect speed bump on the information superhighway. Do we need to get over ourselves? You better believe it, Sparky, but it can wait for another day.

The real 'wonders' in this world are much more personal, and, invariably, inspire much more awe than some building or statue. What's more awe inspiring than meeting your soulmate? What's more awe inspiring than the birth of your child or grandchild? What's more awe inspiring than your child or grandchild's first step or first word? What is more awe inspiring than all of life's small pleasures like the aroma of freshly ground coffee, or the contented rumbling of that cat sleeping on your lap? The real wonders of the world are all around you. All you need to do is look for them.

This Material appeared in Tasty Tidbits:

By now you’ve read our Top Story (we hope) and you have a lot to say about it. We know what you’re thinking and shame on you for calling your hard working, devoted PIG staff those richly-deserved, but abusive names. We’re trying to be brave about your attitude, but it’s not easy. We are, believe it or not, very sensitive...(sniffle, sniffle, sigh).

Creating this week’s Top Story was, I admit a lot of fun. At times, it was a tad more fun than any of us expected. As expected, if you’ve already savored every compelling word of our Top Story, our most thrilling moments came when we realized that we only had six of the requisite seven incorrect wonders on our list. That dose errant numerology put our PIGish imaginations in overdrive. Trust me when I tell you that there are few things more terrifying than the PIG staff when their imaginations are switched into overdrive.

One idea that cropped up was, I admit, compelling, but not exactly what I had in mind. For reasons I shouldn’t need to explain, I’ll resist the urge to name the PIG staffer. I will, however, note that this wingnut started a near riot when he, she, heshe or it suggested that lucky number seven on our list should, by rights, go to porn legend John Holmes in honor of his amazingly proportioned appendage. That idea was greeted with considerable enthusiasm, especially when some pervert found an image of the damn thing in cyberspace. I tried to dampen this out of control enthusiasm by pointing out that John Holmes achieved room temperature some time ago and that the forces of nature - dust to dust - had desecrated John’s...national treasure. Several PIG staffers got very disagreeable about that, until I restored order with my cattle prod and stun gun.

Another idea, one that I found very compelling, involved Porcus’ primordial piece of MAC crap. It was suggested, and quite rightly, that the damn thing inspires awe every time he turns it on and that rotten Apple wheezes its way through an assigned task. That notion had me on the ropes until Spike the Wonder Tyke pointed out that this pre-Genesis 1, 1 dose of alleged technology hasn’t had a pulse or an other sign of life in nearly a month. That splash of cold objective reality water sent us off in search of lucky number seven again.

Before we settled on our current number seven, we debated, with noisy, heartfelt enthusiasm, such unnatural wonders as Pam Andersons’ sweater puppies and Jordon’s jiggling Bristols, as potential number sevens on our incorrect list. Eventually, we all agreed it was a tad redundant since hooters were discussed earlier in the Top Story.

We considered and rejected such worthy nominees as those courageous scientists who dare to stand up and punch holes in Al Gore’s Global Warming bloviating. That’s certainly heroic and damn sure politically incorrect but not what we had in mind. The same is true of those individuals who dare to state that Islam has some glaring, inherent flaws that make it a menace to our liberty.

If you have a better idea for one or more of our incorrect wonders, we’d love to hear about it. You know how to reach us, so crank up your e-mail program and fire off a piece of your mind. Like Tom Bodett, we’ll keep a light on for you.

 

 

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IF SOMEONE REALLY MESSED UP, LEFT PIG IN CHARGE OF THE WORLD, HERE'S HOW YOUR FREE STATERS GO ABOUT OUR FREE REIGN
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"If I ran the world". We've all said it at one time in our lives. I'm guessing that frustrated rational adults, and the occasional rational tyke, have been saying this throughout human history. The pain in the butt on the receiving end of this timeless dose of wishful thinking, invariably, says, "Okay, smartass, what would you do if you ran the world." That's the question we're attempting to answer in this week's Top Story.

This timeless question takes on special urgency in a world besieged by Korrectniks, Jihadikazes, press card packing propaganda punks, and a bumper crop of tinfoil hat wearing intellectual flatliners. Humanity, on every part of this planet, is in crap up to its knees, thanks to ecological alarmists, major and minor tyrants, chronically needy and/or oppressed whiners and other forms of alleged life that get on our last raw nerve.

What would I do if I ran the damn world? My first, most difficult task would involve talking myself out of nuking this planet back to the primordial ooze and hope that the natural forces of evolution got it right this time. If I managed to exercise that unprecedented level of self control, here are a few of the things that seem to require the immediate attention of the man running this world.

Mecca Maniac (alleged) men who love that damn burka would be forced to wear the damn thing. Why? Because they're the ones with serious, sexual impulse control problems.

In the Sandbox, Indonesia, Malaysia, Iran, Nigeria, and other Islamikaze circles of hell, women would be put in charge and men would be subjected to all the restrictions, rules, and injustices that they, routinely impose on women.

Mahmoud al-Gilligan would finally get the job for which he's supremely qualified: shoveling crap at a pig farm. The horror! Wai! The joy in watching weasels squirm.

Now, when we finally move into our new digs, hopefully a cool mansion on the beach, and start getting America's business in order, we will create a place called Exile Island, and start serving eviction notices. Then, we would whip out our maps, and redraw the border that Vicente W. erased, and send the illegal Chico Taco Twenty To An Apartment types to the back of the line, IN TIBET.

The U.S. government would be bitch-slapped back to its senses and cut back to those clearly-defined duties cited in the U.S. Constitution. This begins, necessarily, with the commerce clause which will be strictly limited to its original, narrow, intent as spelled out by James Madison.

Whenever an Elected Tormentor and/or bureaucrat appears in public in his, her, hisher, or its official government role, they must be dressed in a clown suit so everyone can recognize them for who, and what, they really are.

The marketplace, not some bureaucrat or the Nanny State, will dictate the wisdom or folly of an individual company's preferred rules of engagement on hiring, promotions, & work conditions. We're all supposed to be adults, so isn't it time we started to act like it? You don't need some job for life bureaucrat or Nanny State Nitwit to tell you when your job SUCKS.

Decency Deadheads like Donald Wildmon, Brent Bozell, and others of that ilk will be given a long overdue reality check. They will be told that the airwaves do not belong to the 'public'. They'll be reminded that the airwaves belong to those who broadcast over them, because it's the broadcasters who gave the airwaves value in the first place.

America's superb fighting men & women would never again be sent into battle hobbled with political baggage that makes victory impossible. Any Elected Tormentor or bureaucrat who plays politics with the lives of our troops will be tried for treason and SHOT, not necessarily in that order.

No election related task including such things as candidate declarations, fund raising, debates or electioneering bloviating can be perpetrated before April 1st in the year the chads are punched. This date is specifically chosen to let rational adults see these April Fools for who, and what, the are.

Rational adults will be equipped with an electronic cell idiot zapper. Level 'one' gives the bellowing cell idiot a nasty shock. Level 'two' vaporizes that damn cell phone blight. Level 'three'...don't ask.

Guests and hosts on all those talking heads shows - CNN, MSNBC, and yes, Fox News Channel - would be seated in special chairs that include a built-in cattle prod class shocking mechanism. Whenever a host or guest says something that pisses you off, you, the viewer, would use your special rational adult T.V. remote to give him a shock. Think of the hours of fun you'll have making them twitch. [We should add 'The View' to this program, but those bloviating bitches would be twitching constantly, so what's the fun in that?]

Each individual would be made legally accountable for their own life, their own actions AND the hand that they were dealt by their chosen deity AKA fate. If you're blind, dyslexic, or saddled with an infirmity it doesn't automatically entitle you to any damn thing. Play the hand you're dealt, make the best of it and stop your goddamn whining.

Press card packing propagandists with an agenda (CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, NY Times, etc) would be banned from calling their spin-doctored crap "news". On Hambo's world, their swill would be clearly labeled for what it is "commentary". Furthermore, for their history of spin doctored swill NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, CNN, & MSNBC would be permanently banned from using the word 'news' or 'documentary' to describe anything that appears on their boob tube blights.

All boob tube outlets must flash an 'eye pollution' warning a full minute before they televise a close up of Rosie O'Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg or Babs Streisand. A similar warning - a steaming turd would be ideal - must be flashed a full minute before any boob tube outlet broadcasts bloviating by pontificating pissants such as Teddy Kennedy, Maxine Waters & Je$$e.

Consenting adults could sit down to a friendly game of poker, including organized poker tournaments for -GASP - money, without jackbooted, interference from some damn morality mutant on the Nanny State’s payroll.

Professional complainers like Je$$e, Sharpton, Maxine, Bozell & Wildmon - along with the chronically ‘oppressed’, ‘distressed’, and ‘outraged’ - would be required to wear a sandwich board reading "I get it, now! There is no such thing as the right not to be offended."

A national lottery would be held for the right to ‘police’ the halls of congress. The lucky winner earns the right to roam through the house and senate with a stun gun and Taser any Elected Tormentor who strays off the narrow, limited government path. BZZZZZT, the world’s a better place. [We plan to conduct a separate, special lottery for a similar job in the Mexifornia state legislature. However, due to the rabid nature of the denizens in that Marxist blight, only combat veterans will be qualified for this one.]

All of the world’s top scientists, especially geologists will be assembled for a vital endeavor: setting the Mexifornia adrift in the Pacific Ocean. The San Andreas Fault must be triggered and this border jumping scumbag infested, Marxist Legicrat meathead ravaged blight on the USA will be dropped like a bad habit. This effort would be the number one priority during PIG’s rule.

Vicente W. Bush will be sent to Tijuana slum where he would clean sewers, cess pools and clogged toilets, so he can finally get a rational American adult’s perspective on the border jumping scumbag invaders whom he wants to inflict on the land conceived in liberty, by the millions.

I’m sorry to report that as much as we venerate individual liberty, we are compelled to impose a dress code. Dudes, we’re thrilled spitless that you’ve put all that time into growing that brewskie expanded belly. We’re delighted that you’re so devoted to that elbow bending hobby. HOWEVER, if you go out in public without your shirt on - especially a shopping center or restaurant - I’m going to drop kick your butt back to the stone age. Gals, we’re pleased as punch that you have a positive self image. We’re trying to be ‘men’ about the fact that you’ve got it and want to flaunt it. HOWEVER, if your butt looks like the South end of a Northbound hippo you are banned from wearing STRETCH PANTS. In fact, anyone who manufactures and/or sells stretch pants, or low riders, in your size will be lined up against the nearest wall and SHOT.

That's just my starting point, there are plenty of other, lesser, matters that would require my attention, sooner or later. For example, why can't we put more cleavage on our postage stamps? Why hasn't someone packed Paris 'The Skank' Hilton, Twatney Spears, Michael Moore and Alec Baldwin into a rocket and blasted them off into space so they can torture E.T. for a while? Why isn't 5am redeployed between 9am and 10am, so I can get up at a civilized hour? Why isn't every radio station on the planet required to play at least 30 uninterrupted minutes of AC/DC every damn day, during morning drive AND afternoon drive? Why isn't every broadcast outlet on the planet required to devote one solid hour for an around the world broadcast of the inspirational wisdom of Ted Nugent? Last but not least, why are all you rat bastards cringing in abject horror about Hambo's World? I so don't deserve that crap from you...Bite me..

[Obviously, nobody in their right mind would give Hambo that kind of power. BUT, we like to think that a world under PIGish control would only be terrifying to those who get heartburn whenever somebody exercises their birthright of inalienable individual liberty. Let’s face it, a world run by PIG would be a major improvement. We promise to be cool when you grovel at our feet.]

Quisling (kwiz-ling), n. A person who betrays his or her own country by aiding an invading enemy.

How The Traitors In Our Midst Undermine Our Battle To Preserve And Protect Our Liberty.

Make no mistake PIGsters, these are very perilous times for this nation that was conceived in liberty. America is locked in a ferocious battle for its very survival and, despite the valor of our men and women in uniform, we are losing. We are losing because, in spite of our victories on the battlefield, there are those among us who are actively working against us. We're losing where it hurts most, PIGsters. We are losing here on the home front where a critical mass of traitors, moon bats and Surrender Monkeys are selling us out to our enemies. Whether it's Islamikaze bastards like CAIR, Colonistas like Mecha, or steaming political punk loads like Jimmy Carter, they all share one goal. They all seek the untimely demise of our liberty. For the lack of a better term - most of them unprintable in a family-friendly publication - we call these scumbags, and countless others, American Quislings.

Emboldened by a complacent, spin doctored American populace, these subversive Quisling scumbags are, systematically, undermining our liberty and, deliberately, sabotaging our national sovereignty. The best way to expose this unrelenting assault on our nation that was conceived in liberty is through some examples gleaned from the pages of your local fishwrap. Make no mistake, PIGsters, the ones we'll cite are only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Here, for those who can stomach this reality check, are some obvious Quisling examples.

In Mexican-occupied Los Angeles, the Vichy Americans on the city council stabbed Uncle Sam in the back and took a dump on American citizenship with a surrender document called the "Declaration of Los Angeles". Essentially coronating border jumping scumbags as valiant victims of American oppression, the Declaration of Los Angeles (DOLA) surrendered our sovereignty without a fight, via a unanimous vote by these Quisling bastards. In this steaming DOLA load, these Quislings branded any American who speaks out against this border jumping scumbag invasion as "Xenophobes". In this pile of traitorous DOLA crap, the Los Angeles City Council of Quislings slandered citizen groups who monitor our borders - the Minutemen whom they were too damn gutless to cite by name - as "vigilantes". I have a label of my own for these rat goddamn Vichy American Quisling bastards, "TRAITORS". Round them up: revoke their citizenship: exile them to a Tijuana slum. (That would be an oxymoron, huh?)

Educrat Quislings at all levels of the Educrap hierarchy brainwash students with their culturally Marxist, America denigrating sludge. As a result, properly conditioned students are predisposed to celebrate our destruction.

Clintonista emeritus, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, decided to try his hand at foreign policy with America's biggest fans, the North Koreans. I know what you're thinking and I tend to agree, but Brain-dead Billy assures us that the North Koreans are "sincere" and can be trusted. Am I the only one who remembers the last time a Clintonista assured us that the North Koreans could be trusted? Am I the only one who remembers waking up with a shudder, when our trustworthy North Korean friends field tested their first nuke, using the very technology that these trusting Clintonista Quisling scumbags gave them? Unlike Billy Quisling Richardson, I don't trust North Korea as far as I can throw Saturn. Moreover, I don't trust Billy Quisling Richardson one damn bit. That Quisling scumbag should be exiled to his beloved North Korea, right damn now.

CAIR's Islamikaze Quislings seek special "hands off" status for Mecca Maniacs. If CAIR pulls off this fetid ploy, nobody - civilian or proper authority - would be allowed to investigate, halt, or otherwise impede any antic that a Jihadikaze terrorist might perpetrate during the next assault on us, here in the USA.

With the war on Jihadikaze lunatics raging, around the damn world, an American Quisling who's who are swarming into Syria to kiss the tyrant in chief, Bashar al-Assad's ring. Never mind that Assad's notion of meaningful foreign policy begins - and ends - with murdering the duly elected officials of other nations. He gets a pass because he's a close personal pal of such notables as Senators Bill Nelson, Arlen Specter and John "Flip-Flop" Kerry. These and various other ring-kissing political punk Quislings don't give a rat's ass that Assad, routinely, arms, trains and deploys many of the Jihadikazes who slaughter our men and women in uniform. They might not give a damn, but I damn sure do and so should you. Assad is Jihadikaze scum and these Quisling rat bastards can't wait to suck up to him. I am so fed up with the traitorous scumbags who infest Capitol Hill that it can't be quantified.

How, you ask, can all these American Quislings operate out in the open without anyone making them answer for their traitorous, subversive antics? The answer to that one brings us to the propaganda arm of the American Quisling strike force: News Nitwit Quislings like CNN, the L.A. Times, and those "journalism" Quisling trailblazers at the New York Times. When it comes to undermining our liberty, these mass media Quislings use every loathsome trick in the book to pave the road to victory for our sworn enemies. Border jumping scumbag invaders aren't chronically needy, disease-ridden, crimes-infested invaders, they are tragic "economic refugees". Jihadikazes aren't murdering bastards who would behead your tyke to amuse themselves; they are pathetic, egregiously misunderstood "victims" of American imperialism. Hugo "Skipper" Chavez, Kim Jong-il and Mahmoud al-Gilligan aren't dangerous lunatics who seek our destruction; they are slightly eccentric world leaders who have "issues" with America's foreign policy. Give me a break, News Nitwit Quislings. I'm not that stupid, so knock it the hell off.

No tip of the iceberg list of American Quislings would be complete without the clown prince of Quislings, Jimmy Carter. This reeking load of ex-presidential crap never met an avowed enemy of America whom he didn't adore. When he's not kissing any, every, Jihadikaze butt he can find, this peanut-brained Quisling is kowtowing to North Korea's insane tyrant or French kissing a Marxist bastard like Hugo Chavez. Look up "Quisling" in your dictionary and you'll find Jimmy's mug shot. Jimmy "Mr. Quisling" Carter is so vile it makes this diehard pagan want to believe in Hell. Why? Because this piece of crap deserves a special circle of Hell that's his and his alone.

Can America survive this American Quisling assault on our liberty? Perhaps, but the keys to victory reside in each and every one of us. If we don't get pissed, stand up and fight for our liberty, right damn now, then we will wake up one ignoble day in a nation conceived in tyranny. Get with the program, PIGsters. Failure is not an option.

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A CALL TO ARMS
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Why Is America seeking a politically expedient fix for a problem that can only be solved on the battlefield?

"Nobody ever defended anything successfully, there is only attack and attack and attack some more." (George Patton)

Our brave men and women on the front lines of this battle against Jihadikaze rat bastards are being stabbed in the back by the folks here in the USA. Saddled with politically imposed restrictions that keep them from doing the job that needs to be done, our brave men and women in uniform are forced to watch the clown posse in Washington D.C. try to fix a problem that was caused by their politically correct tinkering. How will they "fix" it? With a lot more political tinkering. This is NOT a problem that can be fixed with politics, diplomacy or any of that crap. The only thing that our enemy understands...the only thing that will get his undivided attention...the only thing that will cure what ails him is a high caliber reality check and speedy burial.

Unfortunately, that’s the last thing that’s likely to happen because in 2006, America is populated by a critical mass of fair weather patriots who want to run up the white flag if the on-going war on terror isn't wrapped up as neatly and quickly as a CSI episode? Are 21st century Americans so soft that the slightest setback will send them fleeing in abject terror? Are we, the rank and file Americans, as gutless as the elected tormentors who would sell out our men and women in uniform for a transitory political gain? The answer to all three is "probably". It's par for the course when you combine the 24-hour news cycle with a population that has been so completely government schooled they're incapable of drawing their own conclusions, without seeking "guidance" from the News Nazi spin doctors.

Can you imagine how the News Nazi horde would eviscerate George Washington for taking his army to Valley Forge in the dead of winter? Every damn minute they'd be flashing gut wrenching images from their 'embedded' reporter, showing the enemy how desperate the American army's condition was. They'd trot out some 18th Century Cindy Sheehan who would whine about her baby getting frostbite and start demanding that George be brought up on charges, then executed. Valley Forge was hellish enough, without relentless liberal yammering about "George Washington and his right-wing extremists".

Can you imagine the News Nazi histrionics if they were around to cover the Civil War's bloodiest battle, Antietam? Can you imagine the relentless news nitwit yammering about the 22,726 (9 times the American casualties on D-Day) Americans who were killed or wounded on that one bloody day? Every viewer careless enough to tune in would be having nightmares about dead and/or shattered bodies for decades. The news nitwits would be calling for Honest Abe's head on a platter in record time. Mexican War vets would be trotted out to call the American Civil War "a quagmire".

Can you imagine the caterwauling from today's cringing congressional cretins during the Marines' long heroic ordeal at Guadalcanal? The same "damn the torpedoes" cretins who were terminally hawkish right after Pearl Harbor would start clamoring for our withdrawal, after that first disastrous naval battle with the Tokyo Express in Iron Bottom Sound. Long before this pitched, turning point, battle ended, these Capitol Hill cowards would all be yammering about how we needed to pull back and try to "understand" why the Empire of Japan was compelled to attack us. Jimmy Carter would probably stage a photo op in Tokyo with Tojo and Yamamoto, demanding that America confess its unpardonable sins against the peace-loving Japanese.

Unfortunately, America isn't the nation it was a half century ago. When Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, America's only thought was to dish out some major payback, and nobody said a damn thing about stopping before the job was done and we'd totally kicked the enemy's butt. In 2006, its rugged, patriotic individualism subverted by its elected tormentors and the News Nazi horde, America is quickly turning into a white flag clutching nation populated by a critical mass of surrender monkeys. We're told that kicking butt when some asshat attacks us is "wrong" because we really need to understand how we "oppressed" our sworn enemies into attacking us. I'll let you imagine how George Patton would react to such inane blithering.

As much as I’d love to pin all the blame for our national aversion to this war on the News Nitwits, I can’t. Granted they are the willing American Quislings in our midst, but they’re only part of the problem. The big problem is inside the D.C. Beltway where the Iraq Surrender Group is getting a rousing ovation. Give me a goddamn break! The last goddamn thing we want or need is some toothless political hacks packing white goddamn flags charging to the "rescue". The Iraq Surrender Group sounds like a very bad Saturday Night Live skit, but, the sad truth is that it’s all too real. Setting aside the group’s glaring deficiencies - the lack of any input from experienced military sources - we’re faced with the fact that the Quislings in the mass media are treating them like gods who came down from Mount Olympus to save our bacon. As bad as that is, we’re forced to watch the cut and run clowns on Capitol Hill - and elsewhere in government - treat these clueless American surrender monkeys like they’re the second coming of the Cross Dude bringing long awaited salvation.

Before we deploy those white flags, let’s try to remember that this war started when these Jihadikaze rat bastards attacked us, right here in the United States of America. They picked this fight and they won’t quit until America and its inalienable individual liberty are utterly and completely destroyed. We must fight them with everything we’ve got and it might as well be in Iraq because the moment we cut and run there, the Jihadikaze rat bastards will move the front lines in this battle to the death to Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, Houston and Washington D.C. Is that what America’s cut and run cretins want? Whether they want it or not, it’s what they’ll get.

War is not a CSI episode. It’s a dirty business full of setbacks, frustrations, and unpleasant surprises. There weren’t any quick fixes at Valley Forge. There weren’t any shortcuts at Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima or Okinawa. It was a brutal, bloody business that cost the USA too many of our bravest citizens. Aside from a new brand of killing technology, war is the same dirty goddamn job it has always been. The sooner we face up to that bitter truth the better. The only way it ends is when one side has completely depleted the enemy’s ability to put up a fight. This war is no different. We damn sure better bury them before they bury every last one of us.

It's time to wake the hell up and realize that, like the Revolutionary War, the Civil War and World War II, Uncle Sam is in a prolonged battle with a determined enemy - Islamikaze asshats - that he can't afford to lose. This time, we are in a fight for our very survival with an implacable enemy whose goal is nothing less that world domination. After the last battle is won and the Islamikaze scum are defeated, the historians can assess our mistakes then parcel out blame and/or credit for our blunders in Iraq. We don't have time for that crap, now, because we're in the middle of a war where losing is not a viable option.

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PIG PROPS: WE'RE NOT WORTHY