|GLORIA ALLRED'S "MEDIA SLUT"
Tired of missing your chance to spew on camera drivel for those breaking news stories? Gloria Allred's "MEDIA SLUT" breaking news warning system instantly alerts you whenever news crews are deployed anywhere on Earth. (PDA not included.)
MAHMOUD al-GILLIGAN'S "GLOW"
Is there someone in the neighborhood who gets on your last raw nerve? Do you still resent the way they elbowed aside your homeboy to take charge of the property? Are you unpersuaded by their 'it's been in my family for millennia' claim? You need Mahmoud al-Gilligan's "GLOW", an innovative new approach to conflict resolution. Order "GLOW' today, and Mahmoud will provide you with an appropriately worded Fatwa signed by a top Iranian Mullah. [Disclaimer: Repeated applications of GLOW may render property unsafe for habitation for 10,000 years. Radiation suits and geiger counters not included. ]
PAM ANDERSON'S "CANS"
Ladies, are you tired of getting ahead with your brains while some bubblehead gets promoted for crossing her legs and taking deep breaths? Maybe it's time to kick your career into high gear with Pam Anderson's wildly successful "CANS" self-promotion system. In record time, armed with a vacant look and a full sweater "CANS" will have you and your new, improved cleavage living large in your spacious office on executive row.
GLENN BECK’S "SCHTICK"
Is your dream of an enriching career as a boob tube news nitwit in the crapper? Are you ready to drop the crop reports like a bad habit and move on to the big time? It’s time to turbocharge your career in television journalism with Glenn Beck’s "SCHTICK", a self promotion system that has taken the industry by storm. Order now and you’ll get a monogrammed Glenn Beck crying towel plus a bottle of Glenn’s ‘Crocodile Tears’.
JUSTIN BIEBER'S "DOUCHE"
Are you a pretty boy pimple on humanity's butt? Do you wonder why your 'musical' caterwauling, which ignites an inferno in prepubescent panties, doesn't earn the respect of rational adults? You need 'DOUCHE', Justin Bieber's attention-grabbing new clothing line. It's Douche- Tastic and it's only a phone call away.
[Order today and Douche Fashions will include the Jiffy Pop option in your spiffy new Douche headgear, for free!]
BARRY BONDS "JUICED"
Are you a journeyman athlete who just spotted the end of that pro sports career on the distant horizon? Is that "I'll never make the hall of fame at this rate" reality check keeping you awake at night? You need Barry Bonds' "JUICED" an energy formula that will turn you into a muscular behemoth who makes the Incredible Hulk look like a wimp. The instant you get "JUICED" even your bunts will sail over the center field wall. Don't delay, try Barry's way, get juiced today. [Warning: Getting "JUICED" doesn't guarantee that you too can beat Babe Ruth's record, but it will make those random drug tests much more thrilling.]
AL BUNDY'S "ENDURANCE"
Are you cursed with the family from hell, a spirit-shattering job and personal hygiene that leaves a lasting, sensory impression wherever you go? Al Bundy's "ENDURANCE" can make those Tang sandwiches taste yummy and keep you from inflicting postal employee rampage-class carnage on that hellish family. (Disclaimer: "ENDURANCE" won't eradicate your stench, so, when it comes to getting up close and personal with your shower, you're on your own, Stinky.)
ROBERT BYRD'S "BLITHER"
If you need something to liven up those long, painfully silent family gatherings, then Robert Byrd's "BLITHER" is just what the pregnant silence ordered. One dose of "BLITHER" will have you rambling incoherently for hours, putting an end to those painful staring contests forever.
NAOMI CAMPBELL'S "TANTRUM"
Are you a supermodel whose career is past its peak? Are your outbursts making life much too thrilling for those who consider employing you? Do your friends keep sending you brochures for anger management courses? Are you desperate to regain that attention that came with being on the center stage? It's time to take your shrink off speed dial and sign up for Naomi Campbell's "TANTRUM", a spectacularly successful publicity scheme that will give you more name recognition than you can handle. [Disclaimer: Legal services not included in the price of this product. When the justice system comes after you, you're on your own, Sparky.]
David Caruso’s "SHADES"
Are you a legend in your own mind thespian who needs a trick move to land an acting job? Is your alleged roleplaying so wooden, you couldn’t land a job as an extra in the kindergarten play? Fear not, wannabe Sparky, David Caruso’s "SHADES" acting school will teach you how to turn a simple gesture with a common prop into your, role landing signature move. [Disclaimer: One-size-fits-all situations stoic expression, not included. ]
HUGO CHAVEZ'S "CLOWN"
Are you a two-bit hack who stumbled into the presidency of a punk-ass South American country? Are you looking for a way to inflate your petty tyrant credentials into worldwide renown? You need Hugo Chavez's "CLOWN" a proven political platform that will have the world beating a path to your door. [Disclaimers: "CLOWN" does not guarantee that you'll achieve Hugo-class success unless, like the "CLOWN" prince, you, too, are sitting on an ocean of oil. There are, in isolated cases, reports that excessive "CLOWN" usage will give you delusions that Uncle Sam is getting ready to stomp you.]
DICK CHENEY'S "BULL'S-EYE"
Are you a slightly bored second fiddle who is tired of languishing in an "undisclosed location" while the News Nitwits blame you for everything from Amelia Earhart's disappearance, to the skulking around at Area 51? Are you determined to get some quality face time in the news cycle, by any means necessary? You need "BULL'S-EYE", Dick Cheney's innovative PR scheme. [Disclaimer: Dick's "BULL'S-EYE" system requires the assistance of at least one gullible friend, preferably one with a thick hide. Weaponry and ammo not included.]
MICHAEL CHERTOFF'S "EXCUSES"
Are you a career bureaucrat who talks a good story, but falls woefully short of your own blithering when a rational adult critique's your pathetic performance? Are you lurching from one episode of tragic ineptitude to the next? You need Michael Chertoff's "EXCUSES", a graduate-level, self-help course in blame avoidance, blame shifting and spin doctoring. [Warning: Excessive "EXCUSES" use can permanently alienate you from objective reality.]
THE DIXIE CHICKS' "BITCH"
Are you a country music group that hates country music, its fans and every other country music performer, because in your pea brains you're "better" than those yahoos? Is your group better known for its lip-flapping than it is for its alleged music? If you're looking for a career change you need "BITCH", the Dixie Chicks' innovative horizon-broadening scheme. Faster than you can say "crapper" your record sales will tank and you'll be on the fast track to a new career where the most meaningful utterance is "Do you want fries with that?"
BILL CLINTON'S "WEASEL"
Tired of people throwing your own words back in your face? You need Bill Clinton's "WEASEL", a comprehensive philosophy that includes advanced concepts such as "Double Speak", "Word Parsing","Situational Ethics" and "Telling Whoppers With a Straight Face".
HILLARY CLINTON'S "SHREW"
Tired to living in your famous hubby's shadow? Hillary Clinton's "SHREW" perfume line does more than make you reek like a two bit hooker; it is guaranteed to turn you into a acid tongued Harpy who will terrify the most hard nose news punk into tossing you softball questions. (Using Hillary, Ltd's "SHREW" does not guarantee you a presidential nomination, but it damn sure doesn't hurt to give it a try anyway.)
KATIE COURIC'S "SPUNK"
Are you an aspiring Network News Nitwit whose only measurable talent is a winning smile? Are you looking for a way to distract potential bosses from your deplorable grasp of rudimentary journalism? Katie Couric's "SPUNK" will make you so terminally perky you'll make yourself sick every time you sneak up on a mirror. [Disclaimer: Katie Couric's "SPUNK" doesn't guarantee to get you a CBS News gig, but it can't hurt. Facelifts, tucks, and trims not included.]
TOM CRUISE'S "BEARD"
Are you a dude with something to hide and you're tired of the intolerable restrictions of the closet? Don't waste your money putting a cable hookup in your hallway refuge, because America's most famous couch jumping midget has just what you need: "BEARD", TOM CRUISE's proven, time-tested, adventure in stealth socializing. [Disclaimer: "BEARD" may make you feel like you're 10 feet tall, but that 'growth spurt' is all in your mind.]
MILEY CYRUS' "BURNING BUSH"
Are you a marginally attractive, barely legal, wench who has tried 'everything' to make a lasting impression on hormone gorillas? Is the dreaded specter of perpetual wall flower looming much too large? Do you need something to tweak your inner 'slut'? You need Miley Cyrus' "BURNING BUSH", a miracle product which will ignite a raging inferno in your loins. Twerk, Inc guarantees the kind of fire in the hole which heretofore was only available with a rampaging dose of VD. Order today, so you, too, can dazzle the dudes, by relentlessly rubbing your nads against any phallic-shaped object.
HOWARD DEAN'S "HOWL"
If you need an incoherent noise to scare the pants off your friends and neighbors, then Howard Dean's comprehensive "HOWL" public speaking course is made to order.
DAVID DREIER'S "SNAKE OIL"
Are your core convictions robbing you of the success and acclaim you think you deserve? One application of David Dreier's "SNAKE OIL" will have you thrilling everyone by glibly espousing any position that's politically expedient. (Warning! Repeated use of this product can render you incapable of expressing an honest opinion.)
CLINT EASTWOOD'S "CLINT SQUINT"
Do you crave a sure fire response to life's annoyances which don't merit a Second Amendment solution? Tired of those coupon clutching crones clogging the supermarket checkout? Is that scumbag who brought your shit-faced daughter home after curfew begging for it? You need Eastwood's "CLINT SQUINT", a steely-eyed stare that will git 'er done for you, every time. If you order today, you'll receive - in addition to detailed instructions on this foolproof countermeasure - a set of tag lines to use with your "CLINT SQUINT". Tag lines include: "Go ahead, make my day", "Do you feel lucky, punk?", "A man has to know his limitations" and many more. [.44 Magnum not included]
LOUIS FARRAKHAN'S "PARANOIA"
Are you trying to build a following and need a "spark" to galvanize your followers? One treatment of Louis Farrakhan's "PARANOIA" will have you detecting the sinister plot behind that dripping faucet and the hidden, racist, code embedded in "Do you want fries with that?" (Known side effects: Regular "PARANOIA" users report an inexplicable urge to hum calypso music.)
BARNEY FRANK'S "CHAPS"
Are you tired of being lost in the crowd? Are you fed up with being virtually invisible in a room full of people? You’ll kick those wall flower days to the curb, when you let it ALL hang out in a pair of BARNEY FRANKS "CHAPS". [Warning: Cornhole, Inc., won’t be responsible for any new ‘friends’ you make when you bend over with your personality flapping in the breeze.]
AL FRANKEN'S "GUTLESS"
Are you an alleged comedian who's about as funny as the bubonic plague? Is your ego so out of control that you need to cover yourself in lard before you can shoehorn it through the door? Are you a hypersensitive pinhead who goes postal over the slightest, well founded criticism? Your ticket to liberal scumbag fame is here, thanks to Al Franken's "GUTLESS".
Al's inside tips include: "You don't need to be funny, because liberals have no sense of humor"; "Stop being ashamed when you dish it out but can't take it"; "When the truth about you hurts, whine to your liberal scumbag media pals, then call your lawyer"; "Hypocrisy for fun and profit"; "Naming calling, gross exaggerations, whoppers, and other hyperbole". (Disclaimer: Purchasing "GUTLESS" doesn't guarantee a spot on Air America, but it can't hurt. If they gave Al and Janeane a slot, they'll probably like your drivel, too.)
JANEANE GAROFALO'S "BURLAP"
Tired of being "objectified" by sex obsessed men? Janeane's innovative new "BURLAP" fashions are guaranteed to turn off the most ardent horndog. (Each "BURLAP" fashion is personally tested by Janeane herself in a room filled with Hugh Hefner-class Viagra Addicts).
WHOOPI GOLDBERG'S "DOG"
Do you wish there was some way to make your appearance, memorable? Are you tired of spending hours making yourself presentable but nobody seems to notice? You sound like a prime candidate for "DOG", Whoppie's bold new concept in female cosmetics. One application of "DOG" and your attitude about mirrors will be changed forever. [Warning: Continued use of "DOG" might make small children run away screaming when you enter a room.]
AL GORE'S "DELUSIONS"
Are you fed up trying to squeeze some meaningful material from your work history? Throw that Thesaurus in the trash, because the answer to those career enhancement questions are as close as Al Gore's inventive "DELUSIONS" resume-writing system. When it comes to 'liberating' someone else's accomplishments, nobody does it better than Al. (Order today and get a free copy Al's Autobiography, "Whoppers: How I Discovered Relativity".)
SEAN HANNITY'S "BLINDERS"
Are you going postal over the Elephant Clan's budget bloating, government expanding ways? You need Sean Hannity's "BLINDERS", with its patented synaptic shield technology. This mind-numbing innovation, instantly, makes these deficit spending, welfare statist pachyderm punks look like paragons of fiscal responsibility. (Order today and get Sean's new book: 'I know We Really Suck, But They Still Suck More'.)
DAVID HASSELHOFF'S "HAS BEEN"
Are you a boozed up boob tube thespian whose glory days are mere faded memories? Are you looking for a way to reanimate that moribund career? David Hasselhoff's "HAS BEEN" is the answer to your differently-sober prayers. The Hoff himself calls this cutting edge product, "career life support for show biz losers". [Disclaimer: Cost of alcohol abuse rehab not included.]
PARIS HILTON'S "SKANK"
Are you rolling in greenbacks through no fault or effort of your own? Are you eager to parlay that trust fund or inheritance into worldwide notoriety? Paris Hilton's "SKANK" is the answer to your "I wanna be famous, damn it" prayers. [Known Side Effects: Repeated "SKANK" use will give you a pathological aversion to wearing underwear and can put you in more porn videos than Jenna Jamison.]
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON'S "HYPOCRISY"
Are you a guilt-ridden fatcat who wants to assuage your conscience without tapping into your own deep pockets or disrupting your extravagant lifestyle? Arianna Huffington's "HYPOCRISY" teaches you how to use government coercion to force somebody else make the necessary sacrifices - wether they like it or not - to sooth your troubled conscience. (Known side-effects: Prolonged exposure to "HYPOCRISY" will give you an annoying accent that will make rational adults want to bitch-slap you.)
JE$$E JACKSON'S "EXTORTION"
Having trouble raising money for your activist adventure? You need Je$$e Jackson's "EXTORTION", an avant-garde fund raising system that will pour mountains of greenbacks into your coffers the way it does for Je$$e and his family. (Je$$Co's newest product "FLEECE" is delayed, indefinitely, due to a trademark infringement lawsuit filed by Televangelist Benny Hinn.)
JESSE JACKSON JR'S "PSYCHOBABBLE"
Are you an ethically-challenged twerp who built a political career on his Ethnocrat daddy's fame? Are those damn feds nipping at your heels and making life much too 'thrilling'? You need Jesse Jr's "PSYCHOBABBLE", his patented jail-avoiding escape strategy. Thanks to "PSYCHOBABBLE" you'll be armed with all the pertinent symptoms of a psychological malady, so you too can elude that painful justice system encounter. Which rathole will you use "bipolar", "PTSD", or one of a thousand others spelled out in "PSYCHOBABBLE"? Order today, before they show up at your office door with an arrest warrant.)
KIM KARDASHIAN'S "RUMP"
Are you a wannabe who needs to distract everyone from your monumental lack of accomplishments and/or talent? If you're looking for a proven diversionary tactic, you need Kim Kardashian's "RUMP", her attention grabbing method for putting your problems BEHIND you. [Coming soon from Hippo Heinie, Inc, a line of clothes with all the extra space you need to corral your colossal caboose.]
TEDDY KENNEDY'S "FLASK"
Are you so bored with your own bloviating that you need a tipple to get you through the work day? Teddy Kennedy's "FLASK" is the answer to your problems. Emulate Teddy: Never leave home without it. (Coming soon from Teddy Products, Inc: "SWIM", an "outside the box" defensive driving course that will make those DUI arrests a distant memory.)
JOHN KERRY'S "FLIP-FLOPS"
Is picking a side on today's hot button issues and sticking with it giving you a pain where the sun don't shine? The John Kerry "FLIP-FLOPS" self hypnosis system can have you taking all sides of any issue without that nagging conscience making you miserable. "FLIP-FLOPS" allows you to take any side of an issue that the situation dictates without remembering that you ever had a single contrary view on that issue.
LARRY KING'S "SUSPENDERS"
Are you so boring that your own inane questions put you to sleep? Do you need something to hold up your career, stylishly? It's time to buy "SUSPENDERS", a deceptively simple career-enhancement system that teaches you how to use a strategic fashion accessory to distract people from the fact that you're dumber than a box of rocks. [Official Disclaimer: Using "SUSPENDERS" doesn't guarantee you a CNN show. However, you need to look on the bright side: He can't live forever.]
DAVID LETTERMAN’S "CANDY STORE"
Are you a late night talk show host who lost out on life’s heartthrob lottery? Does your icy personality make the South Pole seem utterly tropical, by comparison? Do you long for a way to turn your female staffers into your personal harem? You need David Letterman’s "CANDY STORE", the hot new booty bagging system which is taking the world by storm. (Order "CANDY STORE" today, and David will enter your name in a lottery for a secluded love nest in the fabled Ed Sullivan Theater.)
MONICA LEWINSKI'S "CIGAR"
Need something to liven up your love life? Monica Lewinski's "CIGAR" is guaranteed to make those close, intimate encounters memorable. (Order today and you'll get a limited edition, signed endorsement from William Jefferson Clinton.)
J. LO'S "DIVA"
Did fate deal you a losing, no talent whatsoever, hand then saddle you with a Jupiter-size ego? You need J. Lo's "DIVA", a mysterious cream with a spell-binding aura that hypnotizes weak-minded nitwits into believing you're a world class talent. (Warning! Repeated use of "DIVA" can make your butt look like the Southern end of a Northbound hippo.)
LINDSAY LOHAN’S "HOOKUP"
Are you a hard partying pop tart who is drinking her once skyrocketing career into the crapper? Is your reputation making it hard to meet that right dude? You sound like a prime candidate for Lindsay Lohan’s "HOOKUP" an innovative solution to your love life that shows you how to turn than rehab visit into a primo dating service. (Order today, and you'll be eligible for a 50% discount on LINDSAY'S "CRASH TEST DUMMY" her headline grabbing defensive driving course which tells you what to do when inanimate objects, vehicles, and people keep jumping in front of your car.".)
CHRIS MATTHEWS' "BULLY"
Are you so self-absorbed that you're convinced the only conversation worth having is with yourself? Are you majorly bummed that nobody appreciates your liberal punk 'talent'? Chris Matthews' anxiously awaited "BULLY" will show you how to ask, then answer your own questions while your guest stares at you in abject horror, wondering what the hell you've been smoking. (Disclaimer: MSNBC audition kit not included, but flashing your "BULLY" receipt might get you a ticket to Chris's hour-long monologue.)
JOHN MCCAIN'S "MUZZLE"
Are you fed up with rivals, civilians, plus those pesky rational adults telling the whole damn world about your hypocrisy, influence peddling and all your other glaring faults? John McCain's "MUZZLE" teaches you how to repeal your critics' First Amendment rights, plus, as a special bonus, John shows you how to make criticizing you a federal crime. (If you're unsatisfied with "MUZZLE" don't tell anybody, because John will hunt you down and throw your whining butt in jail.)
MICHAEL MOORE'S "STUBBLE"
Are you a "serious" artist who wants to be known for your accomplishments not your looks? Do you wish you had some viable excuse for being a born loser? Your troubles could be over because you too can look like a bloated, Amerika-hating, gas bag who just spent the night in a skid row dumpster. If that sounds like heaven on earth you need Michael Moore's "STUBBLE" grooming system.. (Special bonus offer: Your first "STUBBLE" order comes with a map of dozen prime dumpster locations in your Zip Code.)
DICK MORRIS'S "SNOW JOB"
Are you a political player who suffered a fall from grace and wants some payback on his ex best political buddy? Are you a former insider who will do anything to recapture the spotlight? You need Dick Morris's "SNOW JOB" an innovative self promotion scheme that will have Vast Right-Wingnut Conspiracy Media Meatheads like Sean Hannity hanging on your every word, no matter how irrational you sound. [Coming soon from Dickhead, Inc.: "Scamming Suckers - How I Parlayed the VRWC's Clinton Phobia into Fame and Fortune".]
KATE MOSS'S "STONED"
Are you a dubiously "gifted", quasi-anorexic, living clothes hanger whose only demonstrable (alleged) talent is being photogenic? Is fame, fortune and life in the fast lane a crushing bore? You need Kate Moss's "STONED", a product that's guaranteed to derail that fast lane thrill ride in a heartbeat. [Order "STONED" today and you'll get Kate's personal list of worldwide drug connections.]
JOHN MURTHA'S "RETREAT"
Are you a weary warrior who lost his fighting edge during a 4 decade stint on the taxpayer payroll? Are you haunted by time-clouded memories of a hopelessly bungled war in Southeast Asia? John Murtha's "RETREAT" can give you that coveted weary warrior "gravitas" with the liberal media whenever you spout your defeatist, 'the sky is falling', drivel. (Disclaimer: A yellow stripe to run down your back not included, because if you crave this product you already have one of your very own.)
ROSIE O'DONNELL'S "BUTCH"
Ladies, are you fed up with getting all gussied up for a night on the town then being ignored by Mr. Right? You need Rosie O'Donnell's "BUTCH". This definitive book on dating will take your love life in unexpected directions. (Chapters include: "Feeling Flirty in a Flannel Shirt"; "Make a Lasting Impression With Your Buzz Cut Do", "Sexy and Sensual in Sensible Shoes", plus much, much more.)
BARACK O'DUMBO'S "ZOMBIE"
Are you a multi-racial empty suit, without a shred of demonstrable leadership ability who has very little to show for his stints in the state legislature and U.S. Senate? Is your ambition so out of control that you're running for an office for which you're egregiously unqualified? You need Barack O'Dumbo's "ZOMBIE" , a public speaking course that will trap anyone who hears you speak into your cult of personality. Once you master Barack O'Dumbo's "ZOMBIE" you'll have throngs of devotees giving you a standing ovation when you blow your nose. Order "ZOMBIE" today and Barack's Ears, Inc. will include a copy of Barack's wildly popular "SWOON". [Disclaimer: "ZOMBIE" might make you the next Jim Jones, but it's not guaranteed to make you a viable Oval Office candidate.]
KEITH OLBERMANN'S "ENVY"
Are you a steaming liberal load whose only claim to fame is a seldom watched show on a cable news network that's on life support? Are you a legend in your own mind who is trying to slither out of "never heard of that fool" status by picking a fight with the number one cable personality in America? Are you so jealous of your more successful cable news rival that you can't face yourself in the mirror? You need Keith Olbermann's "ENVY", a revolutionary career enhancement system that can elevate you to a Keith Olbermann-class legend in your own mind. [Warning: George Soros' commie rat bastard "AGENDA" sold separately.]
BILL O'REILLY'S "BLUSTER"
Are you a low rent district news nitwit with delusions of Edward R. Murrow grandeur? Bill O'Reilly's "BLUSTER" can put you on the fast track to being a legend in your own mind. You'll be so full of yourself that you'll refer to yourself in the third person. (Side Effects: Continued use of "BLUSTER" can make you so delusional that you could mistake your statistically insignificant cable news audience for genuine news monkey glory.)
DAN RATHER'S "SPIN"
Are you up to "here" with those boring ass, fact-filled stories "they" make you write? Sign up for Dan Rather's award winning "SPIN" seminar and dump journalism's archaic 5 W's like a bad habit. (Coming soon from DanCo: "SHILL", Dan's personal, "how to" instruction on campaigning for your favorite liberal hack without quitting your day job.)
GERALDO RIVERA'S "MOUSTACHE"
Are you an aspiring journalist whose floundering career can't seem to get off the ground? Are your efforts to dig out those pesky news nuggets doing little more than providing a 6 foot hole where you can bury your cable news nitwit career aspirations? You need Geraldo Rivera's "MOUSTACHE" a personal grooming system that doubles as a convenient place to keep those crumbs of truth that seem to slip through your fingers. If you grabbed your trusty dusty magnifying glass and examined Geraldo's lip decor you might find those facts that seem to elude Geraldo. Great Zot! You might even find some of Al Capone's missing treasures. Why aren't you dialing "888 MOUSTACHE Me Geraldo" right damn now? Think positive, if this journalism thing doesn't pan out, "MOUSTACHE" has you on the fast track to an enriching career as an organ grinder or carnival barker. [Disclaimer: "MOUSTACHE" doesn't guarantee that you'll get your nose broken on TV.]
PAT ROBERTSON'S "SMITE"
Do you have a hit list of cretins who require celestial extermination? Run, don't walk, to your phone and order Pat Robertson's "SMITE", a technological wonder that puts you in direct contact with the celestial realm's "burn in hell" hot line.
WILLIAM SHATNER'S "HAIR"
Is your thespian career on life support because those damn critics keep carping about your utter and complete lack of acting talent? William Shatner's "HAIR" will have everyone - especially those damn critics - so fixated on that ill-fitting monstrosity on your head, that they'll never even notice your egregious emoting. ("HAIR" should not be confused with Tom Cruise's "BEARD", a product designed for certain differently-sexual individuals who find closets irresistible.)
ASHLEE SIMPSON'S "SCREECH"
If you need something horrifying enough to scare the kiddies into a coma on Halloween, Ashlee Simpson's "SCREECH" is made to order. If this sanity-shredding, live performance compilation doesn't evoke fond memories of those nights when two cats got into a fight underneath your bedroom window, Ashlee's 'YOWL Records' will give you a full refund. (Known side effects: prolonged exposure to Ashlee's so-called singing can inflict an irreversible aversion to all music.)
HOMER SIMPSON'S "ELOQUENCE"
Are you so verbally-challenged that nodding is as loquacious as you get? Are you fed up with pinheads calling you "moron" and all its colorful synonyms? It's time to seek expert help from a man whose two trademark words "Mmm" and "D'Oh" make him the most quoted man on the planet. Throw away those asinine "build your vocabulary" lessons and get Homer Simpson's "ELOQUENCE", today. ("ELOQUENCE" comes with a money-back guarantee that you'll thrill your friends, amaze your neighbors and make lasting impression on your parole officer.)
BRITNEY SPEARS "BUZZCUT"
Are you a marginally talented pop tart whose perky jailbait sex appeal is showing signs of high living wear and tear? Has your headlong plunge toward trailer trash floozie reached critical mass? You need "BUZZCUT", Britney’s cutting edge grooming system. BUZZCUT is guaranteed to shield your bloated belly, puffy face and bloodshoot eyes from prying eyes by temporarily blinding gawkers with the glare coming off your shining pate. (Warning: If you BUZZCUT the foliage "down there" flashing those naked nads might cause permanent eye damage.)
SLY STALLONE'S "YO"
Are you a mumbling meathead who thinks playing larger than life characters on the silver screen will help you forget that you're hung like a chipmunk? Are you trying to bulk up your image to distract movie goers from your chronic deficiency of functional synapses? Sly Stallone's "YO" public speaking system is made to order. [Order today and Sly will send you a free sample of Bobby Bond's "JUICED", to get you started on a pumped up career as a mumbling, musclehead moron. Special bonus: One lucky "YO" customer will get to test his acting chops in Sly's new movie, "Rocky 97"]
TED STEVEN'S "PORK"
Are you a profligate punk whom everyone knows can't be trusted with anything more valuable than a subway token? Ted Steven's "PORK" will teach you how to squander boatloads of somebody else's money to erect egregiously expensive projects that are so blatantly unnecessary they're guaranteed to give fiscally-conscientious rational adults a coronary.
BABS STREISAND'S "MEDUSA"
Are you a mirror phobic diva whose face can stop a clock? Are you tired of those horrified looks on men's faces when you vamp them with your petrifying feminine wiles? If you're itching for some payback, Babs has just what you need. Her patented grooming system, "MEDUSA", is guaranteed to make that unappreciative bastard's nads, shrivel, then crumble into dust. (Order today and you'll get ticket to Babs' next farewell tour.)
TOM TANCREDO'S "SPINE"
Are you a congressman who has had it with being pushed around by your own political party leaders? You need Tom Tandcredo's "SPINE", a miracle of cutting edge science that will turn you from a pillar of salt into a tower of strength overnight. (Warning! Tom Tancredo's "SPINE" can generate an icy blast from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.)
DONALD TRUMP'S "COMBOVER"
Are you an self-absorbed butthead whose inflated ego is fueled by your real estate investment windfall? Are you a legend in your own mind who can't get the respect you think you deserve? Do you need something to distract people from the fact that you're a universe-class ego-maniac? You need Donald Trump's "COMBOVER" a revolutionary fashion statement that is guaranteed to make everyone ignore how utterly pathetic you really are.
ANTONIO VILLARAIGOSA'S "PHOTO OP"
Are you Colonista-coddling political punk whose only redeeming quality is a glib tongue and a properly-hyphenated pedigree? Are you tired of waiting to be 'discovered' by your liberally-biased mainstream media homeboys? Antonio Villaraigosa's "PHOTO-OP" promotion system will teach you how to turn such mundane events as garage sales and the neighborhood lemonade stand into a lavishly publicized step up the political punk ladder to "Socialist scumbag" glory.
KANYE WEST'S "SCOWL"
Are you an inexplicably famous dude whose obsession with an amateur sex tape starring a fat-assed diva has prompted you to breed with the wench? Are you at your wits end trying to put her greedy, attention-whoring family out of your misery? Has the venerable wisdom of 'be careful what you wish for, because you might get it' ruined your far from sunny disposition? You need something potent enough to intimidate the most relentless money grubbing, media whoring, kretins. You need "SCOWL", Kanye's proven defense demeanor which has survive the hellish family acid test. [Fat assed diva not included in purchase price, but, the way things are going, you might have a shot, after Lard Ass gives the tyke to big bad mommy.]
BRUCE WILLIS'S "PATRIOTISM"
Are you a successful fixture in an industry infested with limp-wristed, lefty scumbags? Are you fed up with the limousine liberals who enjoy Amerika's riches while denigrating the warriors who defend it? You need Bruce Willis's "PATRIOTISM" to give you the spine to defy your liberal counterparts by publically defending our men and women in uniform. [Disclaimer: Regular use of "PATRIOTISM" is not guaranteed to help you score some Demi Moore-class yum-yum, but it can't hurt.]
Perpetrated by Hambo