Quite frankly, Twenty-First Century Amerikan Kulture puzzles us. The pathetic, mediocre and blandly Korrect dominate our Kultural fare, making non-entities like Michael Moore, Spike Lee, Al Franken, Paris Hilton, Adam Sandler, and Ellen DeGeneres Kultural Icons. Even 'real' people are elevated to Icon-for-a-Day status via alleged 'reality-based' programming. More than any other Kultural artifact, reality boob tube fare's continuing popularity proves how pathetic Amerikans are. Apparently, viewers prefer to obsess on quasi-fictionalized 'real life', instead of going out to create their own real life adventures. If this stuff is what passes for Amerikan Kulture, color us terminally confused.

We don't begrudge Ben Affleck, Aston Kutcher, Mike Meyers, J. Lo, Titney Spears or Jessica Simpson their success, nor do we vilify their popularity, but don't ask us to explain any of it. On this page, PIG bares its Kultural soul, because Kulturally speaking, we just don't get it.

---

Improbable, inexplicable, cultural artifacts

"The Colbert Report"
There's a cable channel show that I don't get and I never will. It's called the Colbert Report and I suspect that it's intended to be funny, but you can't prove it by me. The main clues that this prattling asshat is attempting humor stem from two blatant hints.

Hint one: the show has a laugh track to help you know when the clown perpetrated some alleged humor. Hint two:the show is spewed forth into unsuspecting homes on Comedy Central. I know for a fact that Comedy Central does present legitimate humor because one of their other offerings is a PIG favorite called "South Park".

One PIG staffer insists that my attitude about this show would be much better if I watched more cable news channel tripe. Perhaps, but I'm willing to forgo that ordeal, thank you very much. If you managed to muddle through life without hitting this Comedy Central Colbert Report speed bump, count your blessings. If you're determined to evangelize me and bring me into the Colbert Report family don't bother. I don't get the humor and I so don't give a flaming damn.

Wide Loads For Your Wide Screen
NBC has a show called ‘The Biggest Loser’, an unintentionally ironic name that’s the only entertaining element of this eyesore. Somebody needs to explain to me why anyone in their right mind would spend one second of their life watching a pleasingly plump hostess torture a flock of wide-loads? This one just does not compute for me. The BIGGEST Loser relating to this boob tube blight is anyone who sits through an entire episode.

One of the cable networks - VH1, I think - has a slightly upgraded version of this 'some wide load tries to shed a ton' reality blight. In that case it features celebrities who, invariably elicit one of the following responses: "I thought [he/she] was dead", "I wondered what happened to [him/her]", "She use to be so HOT".

I’m told by a staffer who should know better than read over my shoulder when I’m writing, that the network is VH1 and the show is titled ‘Celebrity Fit Club’. Like I care...

"No Guts, No Gloria"
Essentially a shyster version of Dog The Bounty Hunter with generous doses of torch packing mob storming Frankenstein’s Castle, ‘No Guts No Gloria’ is a forthcoming reality show that will aim Gloria at hand-picked citizens who are "angry and out for justice". A chilling Hollywood Reporter piece described the antics this way:

‘...Allred, using a "take-no-prisoners attitude and unconventional tactics," will help them formulate a plan and then work to find a fair resolution for both parties...’

What’s worse that Gloria Allred near a live microphone or camera? Gloria Allred taking center stage in her own, self-scripted reality show. How much more of this crap can I take before I snap? You really don’t want to know, but Old Betsy and I are locked and loaded.

"Have Gun Will Travel"
It's only mildly annoying that some Tinsel Town pinhead wants to remake a classic horse opera from the late 50's and early 60's. "Have Gun Will Travel" seems an unlikely candidate for a movie remake, but it's better than a big screen re-make of a cosmic stinker like "My Mother The Car". It's predictable - and very irritating - that the suits running Paramount decided that what we really need is an updated - more bang, pow, wham, zoom, plus a boatload of special effects - version of "Have Gun Will Travel". So far, it's business as usual and nothing that should have you looking for a something sharp enough to slash your wrists. And who, you ask, will step into Richard Boone's black boot's as the gunfighter Paladin? Hint: it's someone who is signed up to write 8 songs for the flick. Anyone who guessed alleged singer Eminem needs to increase the voltage on their shock treatments, because, believe it or not, he's set to star in this black hole of cinematic suckage. If you didn't guess Eminem, you should imbibe some of their preferred adult beverage and avoid this stinker by any means necessary.

CSI: Miami
My issues with this show center on David Caruso’s over the top emoting, the drama-enhancing camera angles and any other scene centered on this legend in his own mind. If they gave a ‘most dramatic use of sunglasses' Emmy, David Caruso would win it hands down. There are, as usual, some other items that need to be discussed.

Apparently, all those toys that Horatio Caine (Caruso) uses to dazzle the unwary viewer have depleted the city’s resources. That’s why a crime scene punk is forced to interrogate witnesses, make arrests, and lead SWAT Team attacks on barricaded suspects. Poor Horatio is so overworked that, in a recent episode, he was forced to perform those tasks that, normally, would be done by a FAA plane crash investigation team. The good news is that, unlike the FAA which might take a year to pinpoint the cause of a crash, Horatio managed to wrap it all up in less than an hour.

If you live in Miami, pass the hat and give the money to the police department so they can get Horatio some help with all that detecting, interviewing and arresting.

Parting shot: Since Horatio is a man of endless talents and a veritable one man gang, maybe we should give him a leave of absence and send him to Afghanistan. Give him an hour - or two - and he’ll bag and tag Mullah Omar plus Osama bin Laden. It will be a nice change from all that heavy lifting he's forced to do in Miami. Bold new concept.

Scott Baio...SCOTT BAIO?
Are there any washed up thespians who don’t have their own reality series? Scott disappeared into richly deserved obscurity and that was just fine by me. Why must he crawl out from under a rock to assault us with a show that WHINES, ‘Scott Baio is 45 and Single’? I thought those Danny Bonaduce shows were as bad as this loser celebrity reality show genre got, but, obviously, I was wrong. Scott Baio? Just shoot me.

World Domino Championships
Until now, we thought we were immune to these cable channel stunners. We learned the error of our ways when we were channel surfing for suitable lunchtime fare. That's when we stumbled over the 2005 "World Domino Championships"on ESPN2. Heretofore, we thought that ESPN hit cable programming rock bottom with their action packed World Darts Throwing Championship, but we were sadly mistaken. Are trash talking domino dudes a sure sign of the apocalypse? Oh hell yes, and feel free to quote us.

"Jessica Craves Shakespeare?"
Fresh from her amazing,"eat your heart out Meryl Streep" performance in "Dukes of Hazzard", sweater bursting Jessica Simpson has her acting sights much, much, higher. She wants to take a run at the Bard of Avon and - we are not making this up - do a Shakespearean role. Am I the only on who thinks somebody should inform Miss Chicken of the Sea that Lady Macbeth doesn't wear Daisy Duke shorts? Probably, but I can live with it if you can.

"Apocalypto"
Mel Gibson's newest film project proves what you can get away with when you're an 8,000 pound, Hollywood money machine, gorilla. The first thing you need to know about "Apocalypto" is that it is not another Cross Cult flick. In fact, it's a historical adventure that takes place in Central America, 500 years ago. The second thing you'll want to know is that, for reason's known only to Mel, the film dialogue will be 100% Mayan. That's right PIGsters, Mayan! The third thing you need to know is that the house of the mouse, Disney, didn't even blink when the heard the news and, immediately inked a deal to market and distribute Mel's Mayan-language movie.

PIG has a hot flash for Mel - a dude we happen to like: take your medication; increase the voltage on your shock treatments; lay off the sacramental wine; don't listen to those voices in your head. Finally, Mel, drop us a line if you ever do another movie in a civilized language like ENGLISH, because hell will freeze over before I shell out one thin dime for a flick filmed in Mayan!

"Hogan Knows Best"
It sounds like your garden variety sitcom, but it's thrillingly real. Not exactly your typical family, "Hogan Knows Best" has all the classic sitcom elements:

Dad: A semi-retired wrestler, he's the dad from hell when it comes to his baby girl and "dating".
Mom: The real power in the home, she runs interference between her children and "dad".
Baby Girl: The stereotypical blonde hottie, this 16 year old aspiring singer has Kelly Bundy looks, by in this case her brain works just fine, thank you very much.
Baby Boy: The stereotypical younger brother, he's a demon, half the time, and perfectly willing to rat out his sister and her date, to curry dad's favor.

PIG's kulture sleuths expected to hate Hulk Hogan's adventure in reality boob tube fare, but we were pleasantly surprised and more than a tad entertained by this VH1 reality show. "Hogan Knows Best" won't enlighten you, but it should entertain you. PIG likes it, but we're hard pressed to explain it.

"Dancing With The Stars"
The first time I tripped over this inexplicable boob tube fare, I thought it was one of those PB$ Ballroom Dancing Competitions. They're the shows where skinny, alleged males prance around the dance floor with scantily clad hotties dressed in high heels and 'costumes' that look like they came from a 50's era Arabian Nights flick. "Dancing With The Stars" is something like that, but the dancing is crappier and the costumes don't usually flash as much dancing wench skin.

The show's name is a tad misleading, since the 'Stars' part isn't anything to write home about. In most cases, the alleged celebrity is a vaguely familiar someone who, invariably, evokes the question: "Didn't he, she, heshe or it use to be on TV or something?" The dancing isn't all that thrilling either. I kept waiting for some hyper hottie thespian wench to give a too lucky for words bastard a lap dance...I'm still waiting.

For reasons I can't explain...For reasons I really don't want to know, "Dancing With The Stars" is a hit. It's go figure time - in the extreme - in the top secret PIG bunker.

"Cold Case Files"
If an hour crammed to overflowing with unrelenting misery rocks your world, no show on the boob tube does it "better" than "Cold Case Files". The regular characters are, at best, pathetic and angst ridden. The non-recurring characters - witnesses and suspects - are in much worse shape. They start out with crappy, misery-crammed lives and wind up, years later, older, but much more miserable.

"Cold Case Files" is non-stop torment on steroids. It's such an unrelenting downer it makes "Hamlet" seem like a laugh riot. If I crave suffering on this scale, I'd much rather have my tooth wrangler give me a root canal, because, all things considered, it's much less painful than sitting through a complete "Cold Case Files" episode.

The I'm Melting Channel (AKA The Weather Channel)
I didn’t catch the title, but it was the latest in a long series of over the top ‘the sky is really falling because the Earth is melting and we’re all going to die’ scare-a-thons. Any random 30 second slice of this bull crap makes Al Gore’s whoppers about Global Warming seem like little white lies. When, exactly, did the Weather Channel stop being about meteorology and start being a propaganda mouthpiece for the Global Warming zealots whose preferred solution is eradicating every human from the face of the earth?

The Discovery Channel
If Nostradamus perpetrated a cable channel, it would be this tribute to impending doom, this endless celebration of disasters - past, present and future. These disaster junkies delight in unleashing a "we're all gonna die" scare special for sweeps month. During one memorable sweeps month, these cable channel Chicken Littles thrilled us with dire predictions of killer asteroids obliterating all human life. During a subsequent sweeps month, they unleashed a killer volcano double whammy. Volcano one is located somewhere in the Atlantic. Half of it is beginning to slide into the ocean. Next time this bad boy blows, it might collapse into the ocean, sending a tidal wave of Biblical dimensions toward America's east coast. Residents of New York City, Boston and Miami might want to begin gathering animals, two-by-two. Just getting started, they unleashed the holy grail of disasterology, the super volcano located under Yellowstone National Park. When this 'mother of all volcanos' goes, it promises to wipe out the human race. Big fun.

Recently, they Emerilized the massive earth quake and tidal wave that decimated the Indian Ocean several notches with the great Left Coast off shore earth quake and tidal wave that will cure what ails America's Great Northwest Nitwits by washing Seattle and assorted other Northwest Nitwit enclaves out to sea. If doom and gloom is your cup of tea, channel surf over to the Discovery Channel, stat. PIG thinks they should rename this the Doom Channel...with the catch phrase 'All Disasters, All The Time'.

Larry King Live (The Losers' Lounge of Popular Culture)
The title alone proves that, contrary to popular myth, somebody at CNN does, indeed, have a sense of humor. Why? First, we have Larry himself who, routinely, looks like death warmed over. Only a frustrated comedian would affix "Live" to a show that usually features an hour long tribute to a room temperature cultural icon. Only sombody who belongs on the PIG staff would affix "Live" to a show whose guests with a pulse evoke a gasp and a "I thought [he/she/heshe/it] was dead."

Does Larry King 'Live' have any redeeming values? Yup. It's still the best cure for insomnia known to man.

"Alexander" With Angelina Jolie and all that blood-spewing action, how could anyone make this movie suck?

"Dog The Bounty Hunter" If you crave a half hour crammed with unrelenting testosterone, non-stop, over-the-top macho antics and dialog that makes Dirty Harry sound like a sissy, this too, too real A&E show is must see T.V.

"CSI": It's shocking - in the extreme - that a city like Las Vegas can't afford a detective squad. That dirty little financial secret explains why the CSI team is forced to eschew their test tubes filled with smelly chemicals and go forth to question suspects, identify the perp, then arrest the guilty party. PIG thinks it's time to pass the hat and collect enough money to buy CBS a script writer who understands how a real police department works.

"Hardball" This shout-a-thon stars the man who justifies the 'mute' button on your T.V. remote: Chris Matthews.

"Growing Up Gotti": This Italian-accented melee stars Mafia Don John Gotti's daughter Victoria. Bleached blonde Victoria's primary claim to small screen fame are some spectacular, classically-Italian, sweater puppies. Fair warning: Victoria's hooters won't make you forget how utterly asinine this show is.

C-SPAN Gives you a front row seat for the posturing, pontificating and non-stop bovine excrement that's paid for with your tax dollars. Don't miss the next thrilling episode of "Train Wreck" staring the U.S. Congress.

"Surreal Life": A VH1 reality show where marginal celebrities - wanna be, use to be, and never were - are brought under one roof and put through the usual, asinine, reality show antics. Past and current victims include, in no particular order: Vanilla Ice, Erik Estrada, Traci Bingham, Charo, Tammy Fay Baker, Bridget Nielsen, Ron Jeremy (a porn start), Flavor Flav, Laurie "Chynna" Lauer, Jane "Go Gos" Wiedlin, Vern "Mini-Me" Troyer, and Christopher "Peter Brady" Knight. . Ironically, the only real star among the show's 'celebrity' victims is porn superstar, Ron Jeremey.

GUILTY PLEASURES

---

Weirdly compelling boob tube shows that we don't brag about watching.

"Girls Next Door"
"Girls Next Door", is an E! Channel epic that subjects us to the disturbing sight of Viagra-fortified Hugh Hefner cavorting with this three girlfriends: Holly, Bridget and Kendra. As unsettling as this can be at times, the show is marginally watchable thanks to that cosmic hottie, Kendra. Her toothsome 'gifts' are almost enough to distract us from Hef's antics and the other two girls' relentless whining. One look at her picture tells you why she is the one bright spot in this otherwise annoying dose of reality programming. We cope by telling ourselves that boys will be boys, even when the "boy" is being a "boy" with a girl young enough to be his great granddaughter.

Okay, we admit it. Sound on, or muted, Kendra makes this Viagra-fueled reality show "must see TV".

"American Chopper"
Watch the Teutuls - Paul Sr., Paul Jr. and Mikey - as they build custom themed bikes, many for charity. Renowned for their work, they do more than just twist socket wrenches, they come pretty close to throwing them, along with a gas tank full of F-Bombs at each other during the bike building process. If you appreciate hand crafted, American made choppers, and enjoy watching real people produce a real product, this is must see T.V. Even if you don't like bikes, but enjoy art on two wheels, consider this worthwhile fare. Caution: If you're not careful, you just might learn something.

"Trick My Truck"
"Trick My Truck" is, when you cut through all the crap, "Pimp My Ride" on steroids. Instead of taking a sorry piece of automotive crap and making it presentable, the Chrome Shop Mafia commandeers a gear-jammer's rig and spruces it up with chrome, electronics, a spiffy paint job plus a renovated sleeper cab. If you're entertaining delusions of real manhood, find "Pimp My Ride" inexplicably amusing and get CMT (Country Music Television) on your cable box, "Trick My Truck" might be worth a visit.

"Myth Busters"
This Discovery Channel epic stars a pair of special effects lunatics named, Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. If you crave fire, mayhem, explosions, and a pair of eager mutants whose exploits look like Mr. Wizard on Acid, "Myth Busters" is made to order. The show's formula is simple, select a myth, reproduce it in it's (alleged) original form, then Emerilize it - kick it up several notches - and try it again, and with catastrophic results. Wikipedia explains it this way:

MythBusters often approach a myth in two different ways:

1. Replicating the myth. First, the MythBusters approach a myth by taking it exactly as they heard it. For example: In the episode 7 segment "Raccoon Rocket," the MythBusters tested the myth that a “hillbilly” was launched 200 feet out of a drainage culvert after pouring gasoline into the culvert, climbing in, and lighting the gasoline, in an attempt to kill a raccoon. The MythBusters set up a mock-up culvert, poured in some gasoline, placed Buster the dummy-dressed as a hillbilly-into the culvert, and remotely ignited the gasoline. The gasoline simply caught fire, and whatever explosive forces there were simply flowed around Buster, leading them to deem the myth “Busted.”
2. Duplicating the results. Following the "as heard" test, Adam and Jamie enlisted the help of an explosives specialist and packed the closed end of the culvert with explosives. To ensure the forces launched Buster, they encased him in a foam sabot. When the explosives were detonated, Buster was launched from the culvert, and landed about 100 feet away.

The second of these experiments is referred to as doing it "the MythBusters way" in the show. The phrase refers to the act of obtaining the myth's end result by any means, mainly to see how absurd a situation has to be for it to occur..." (Wikipedia)

Myth Busters makes Tim the Toolman look like a rank amateur when it comes to inflicting destruction.

Sumo Wrestling
The PIG staff wants to invoke a Nixon and make one thing perfectly clear. Sumo Wrestling is Hambo's guilty pleasure, not ours. All it takes to tame this Tasmanian Devil masquerading as our editor is two hippo-size Sushi Slammers in pastel diapers. The minute they start doing whatever the hell it is that they do, he's one very happy camper. The fact is that we don't "get" sumo and we never will, but if it gives us a break from Hambo's hammering, we're willing to fake it. As far as we can tell, Sumo is the only alleged sport we know where there are 953 different Japanese terms for: "one of the fat diaper dudes fell down".

Hambo is, we've decided, majorly twisted. In most jobs that would present a problem, but when it comes to being PIG's Executive Editor "majorly twisted" is an essential job qualification. Since we are not required to be "majorly twisted", the PIG staff wants it known that Hambo forced us to add this to the guilty pleasures list.

Hambo's Response:
These PIG staff whiners are begging for taste of Hambo's persuader - my industrial strength cattle prod. It's important to point out that despite their slurs against the great sport of Sumo, they do agree with me on one essential point: Teddy "The Swimmer" Kennedy would make an awesome Sumo star. Take a look at this picture, then imagine him bloviating on the Senate floor in his pastel sumo diaper. See what I mean? That's why Sumo rocks!

"Pimp My Ride" PIG admits that this is one of our guilty pleasures. Don't ask us why, but we like this show.

"South Park" This, too, is a PIG favorite. It's a humbling experience for PIG staffers to see what real, cutting-edge Political Incorrectness looks like.

DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE !

E-Mail Comments To: pig@pigazette.com

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •