KULTURE | GOLDEN OINKS AWARDS 2010

Date Awards Bestowed : February 05, 2010

Cheers

PIGish Marketing Idea of the Week: If we ever stop celebrating this properly-PIGish take on Valentine’s Day, our first order of business will be to stand up an salute two Keystone State denizens: Jennifer Ross, senior director for marketing and public relations for the Goodwill Keystone Area, and Jeremy Hetes, Colonial Park store manager.

Why? They’re the driving force behind their new "Dump your X’s stuff" donation drive.

“There are those who hate Valentine’s Day and those who love it,” Ross said. “We want those broken hearts to feel liberated and move on and know that Goodwill loves them.”

Aside from used mattresses, there aren’t that many restrictions on donations of mementos of love gone wrong. Engagement rings? Yup. Wedding dresses? Yup. Monogrammed towels? Yup.

The donations, so far, include:

Mugs reading “You’re the best lover,” 25th-anniversary flower vases, and bride and groom Champagne glasses have made their way onto shelves.

“Sometimes you’ll see picture frames with photos of couples, and it’s not a stock photo,” said Jeremy Hetes, the Colonial Park store manager. “Then you just know that relationship didn’t work out.”

A customer once returned to the store stunned after finding a homemade pornography tape in the VCR he’d purchased, Hetes said.

At Goodwill’s Harrisburg collection center, 627 N. Cameron St., a woman dumped a bag of men’s clothing and watches with a note reading, “I hope you’ll take better care of this than my husband did.”

Last spring, a man arrived at the Colonial Park Goodwill with two truckloads of his ex’s items, including photos and a shopping bag full of love letters, Hetes said. (Patriot News)

Kudos go out to everyone who made this Goodwill donation campaign possible.

Alert Citizens of the Week: Last week, one of our Golden Oinks ‘cheers’ went out to a Pennsylvania man who took down a disruptive passenger who was trying to break into the cockpit of an airliner during a cross country flight. This week, the FSOP salutes two more rank and file Americans who had the right stuff when it was needed.

A man recently released from a New Jersey prison was arrested on an Amtrak train in Colorado after other passengers reported a cellphone conversation. Police detained Ojore Nuru Lutalo of Elizabeth, N.J., in La Junta, Colo., Tuesday, The Pueblo Chieftain reported. He was traveling from Los Angeles to Chicago.

A police affidavit said two passengers reported overhearing Lutalo's side of a cellphone conversation. His remarks allegedly included "Haven't killed anyone yet" and "Are you willing to go to jail with me? This Homeland Security thing is serious. They are going to do to you what they did to me." One passenger reported overhearing Lutalo mention al-Qaida and say "17th century tactics won't work; we have 21st century tactics." (UPI)

I know what your thinking but Ojore isn’t one of Osama’s homeboys. He’s a race warrior from the ‘whitey must die’ crowd in the Afrikan Liberation Army. Admittedly, he could be spouting homeboy hot air, but I doubt it. He didn’t spend the last 28 years in a New Jersey prison (he got out last August) for being a ‘can’t we all just get along’ Boy Scout.

Properly-PIGish Educrat Moment of the Week: For one glorious moment, an Arizona Educrat, Litchfield Elementary School principal Ron Sterr, was a hero of incorrectness. Despite Ron’s subsequent retreat from glory, due to some memorable blowback, I am still going to honor his momentary sojourn in the heady realm of inKorrectness.

An Arizona school principal who penned a sarcastic letter that chided parents for children who were either "too lazy or too stupid" to complete their assignments in class was suspended after the missive was mistakenly sent home.

"The math we do is really easy," said the letter from Litchfield Elementary School principal Ron Sterr. "If your child is either too lazy or too stupid to finish it in class, I'm sending it home so that you can work with them and judge for yourself whether it is laziness or idiocy that inhibits your child's progress."

The letter sent home Jan. 26 with second graders also contained passages about students with peanut allergies and emotional problems stemming from puppy deaths. (Yahoo News)

Ron claims, now, that this was a ‘joke’ letter which he wrote ‘in response to caustic comments made by "an individual"...’ He never intended to send it to parents.

Predictably, he’s gushing, with sickening sentimentality about ‘the children’. Blah, blah, blah.

"The purpose of the letter was to mock those views and point out how ludicrous they are," Sterr said. "I have always loved the kids, and I believe they know it. For anyone to assume that I have those kinds of views is uninformed." (Yahoo News)

He’s free to spin it any way he wants, but I think this mea culpa is crap. I’m convinced that Ron got real for a moment, too real, apparently, which is why Educrats higher up the food chain suspended him over it.

Jeers

Golden D’Oh of the Week: Prodded by the Greeniacs in their midst, the relevant Minnesota Elected Tormentors, decided to play alternative energy roulette, a few years ago. Assured that the law of unintended consequences wouldn’t rear its ugly head, the Elected Tormentor pissed away $3.3 million in taxpayer dollar$ on 11 wind turbines.

No harm, no foul? Not exactly, because somebody forgot to copy Mother Nature on the law of unintended consequences immunity memo. Like so many nifty things, the 11 wind turbines can’t cope with a Globally Warmed, Minnesota winter:

KSTP reports that none of the wind turbines work, prompting the Twin Cities ABC affiliate to dub them “no-spin zones.”

Special hydraulic fluid designed for colder temperatures was used in the turbines, but it’s not working, so neither are the turbines.

There is a plan to heat the fluid, but officials must find a contractor to do the work.

How will the heaters work? They’ll have to use either electricity or natural gas at each turbine to keep the mechanism lubricated. That will drastically reduce the net energy gain from each turbine, depending on how much heating the turbine fluid needs to stop congealing in the winter. Since cold weather here lasts anywhere from 4-6 months, that makes it mighty inefficient as an energy resource. (Hot Air)

Maybe these Greeniacs need to buy Mother Nature a bouquet of flowers, or give her a hug. That tactic has a better chance of success than putting wind turbines in real winter prone Minnesota.

Whine of the Week: The billboard shown in the accompanying image appears harmless enough, so why are the chronically offended dweebs around Lancaster (Mexas) having a major, hair incinerating, meltdown over it? Why indeed.

If you’re wondering how a cartoonish pickle can be vilified as ‘offensive’, wonder no more:

The billboard was put up by the companies Condoms to Go and Sara's Secret. Both stores feature adult toys, lingerie and movies. It features a cucumber with cartoon eyes and a mouth. The billboard reads "stop vegetable abuse."

The locally-owned adult stores are asking potential customers to consider alternative adult devices. Employees of the stores say they've received several complaints since the billboard went up last week.

The campaign started from a television commercial that airs late night on cable TV. The television ad also features a moving cucumber looking for a place to hide. The spot ends with the message, "stop vegetable abuse." (CBS)

In and of itself, the billboard, while clever, is not now, and never will be, ‘offensive’. In fact, unless you access one of the cyberspace links - or you’ve seen that late night boob tube advert - its meaning is, to say the least ‘obscure’.

Do I have any advice for these shocked, dismayed, and OFFENDED Mexas meatheads. Yup: Just close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, hum REAL LOUD, and GET OVER IT.

Fiddling Fools of the Week: With Jihadikaze terrorism - uh, man-caused disasters - expunged from planet Earth, a booming economy ‘stimulated’ into overdrive, and our vastly diminished government posting a healthy surplus, Messiah Barry is looking for new mountains to climb...new worlds to conquer.

After searching low, lower, and lowest, he found what he needed to revive his sagging approval ratings: the Bowl Championship Series that gives Elected Tormentors like Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) a rash.

Hatch wrote a letter to President Barack Obama back in October, asking the Department of Justice to look into the BCS, as he believed a case can be made that it is in violation of antitrust laws.

On Friday, the Justice Department sent a four-page letter to Hatch, saying it is reviewing the senator's letter and other materials to determine whether it will open an investigation.

The letter also said the Obama administration is looking into other options "that might be available to address concerns with the college football post- season."

One of those options is that the administration ask the Federal Trade Commission to "examine the legality of the current system under consumer protection laws." Other options include encouraging the NCAA to take control of the football postseason, asking for a study on the feasibility of the playoff system, legislation and looking into whether other agencies could play a role in reform. (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)

The BCS is a steaming load of unrelenting suckage, and that’s a no-shit fact. On the other hand the BCS is something much more important: none of the Nanny State’s damn business.

Fiddling while America burns? You better believe it, what happened to my limited government Sparky.

Smoke Nazi Asshats of the Week: Brit Smoke Nazis aren’t willing to rest on their laurels, following a 2007 Nanny State edict which banned smoking in all enclosed ‘public’ places and workplaces. Refusing to let the 21% of the population which still smokes light up in some dark, dank, unrestricted corner of J.O.E., Smoke Nazis are determined to cut that number in half, by 2020.

The UK government launched plans on Monday to halve the number of smokers by the end of the decade and said it would consider removing branding from cigarette packets and banning cigarette vending machines.

"We've come so far and now we'll go even further -- to push forward and save even more lives," said Health Secretary Andy Burnham. "One day, in the not too distant future, we'll look back and find it hard to remember why anyone ever smoked in the first place."

The number of people lighting up in Britain has fallen by a quarter in the past decade as a result of various policies including a ban on advertising, putting grisly pictures on packets and raising the age of sale for tobacco to 18. (Reuters)

Fear not Brit PIGster, your local Smoke Nazis are goose-stepping over your liberty to save you from yourself. Don’t even think they’re power-obsessed assholes. Perish the thought. They’re doing it FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

WTF

Stoner of the Week: A Montana stoner, 19 year old Ashley Ray, took multitasking to a new level, then crowned her award-winning antics with that amateur daredevil’s signature phrase, "Hey guys, watch this."

Ray was driving a 1993 GMC Jimmy when, according to court records, she lost control of the vehicle, which went off the road, went through a fence and rolled nearly four times. Two of the passengers were ejected and received serious injuries.

The passengers told a Montana Highway Patrol trooper that Ray was texting and speeding while driving on the gravel road. She was causing the vehicle to fishtail when she lost control and crashed, the passengers said. The group was smoking marijuana, and just before the crash Ray told her passengers, “Hey guys, watch this,” court records state.

Ray initially told the trooper that the crash happened because a rear wheel fell off. She later admitted to “screwing around” but said she only pretended to smoke from a marijuana pipe. (Billings Gazette)

Whenever someone fires off a ‘watch this’ warning shot, immediate action is required. Your first order of business is to get a safe distance from the fool. Your second order of business is to record/photograph the ensuing insanity for posterity.

Smoking Cure of the Week: A smokes maker named PT Nojorono Tobacco Indonesia has injected an added ‘jolt’ in one of its products: Clas Mild cigarettes. Eager to put some added excitement in smoking, the company produced - by accident, they claim - an exploding cigarette.

I know what you’re thinking but this isn’t your tried and true novelty gag exploding smoke:

An Indonesian tobacco company has agreed to pay the medical expenses of a man who lost six teeth when a cigarette mysteriously exploded in his mouth.

Security guard Andi Susanto, 31, told Metro TV in an interview from his hospital bed that cigarette producer PT Nojorono Tobacco Indonesia had offered to pay for his treatment. "The company's officials have talked to my family and we agreed to settle it amicably, as an out-of-court settlement. They will pay all the medical expenses," he said through bandaged lips.

The cause of the explosion remains unknown. Susanto said he wasn't chewing anything when he lit the Clas Mild cigarette and didn't notice anything strange about its odour, colour or taste. (AFP)

AFP’s story included a laugh out loud funny, ‘well, duh’, moment, when it breathlessly reported that Andi Sustano has decided to ‘quit smoking’.

YOBism Gets Fowl in J.O.E.: For months the denizens of the rustic North Yorkshire village of Newsham have been trapped in a hellish nightmare that evokes the plot-line of Alfred Hitchcock’s movies, ‘The Birds’. Unlike the villains of that movie - gulls, ravens, crows, etc. - the feathered fiend who is terrorizing Newsham is a psychopathic pheasant.

Men, women, children, prams, bikes, dogs and even cars have all fallen victim to the psychopathic fowl, which some believe is out to avenge its dead relatives.

Victims have spoken of how the bird hides silently in bushes before leaping out and advancing on its terrified prey. It has even chased village children after watching them get off the school bus.

There have been attempts to catch the predator but so far to no avail. Now residents are fighting back in the hope of bringing an end to the menace on their streets. (Daily Mail)

My lovely bride’s solution of first resort in such situations - just shoot the bastard - is, regrettably, a no-no in Korrectnik infested J.O.E. Unless someone manages to arrange for a ‘tragic’ accident, all the locals can do is keep a sharp eye out for this bonkers bird, and hope that someone at the RSPCA and the RSPB answers their pleas for help.

Human Gene Pool Volunteer of the Week: The hero of our story - Einstein - is, at age 62, old enough to know better. Old enough, or not, this charter member of Michigan’s chapter of the ‘Watch This’ Club is notorious for boldly going where no man in his right mind would go.

This year, he made his bid for Human Gene Pool Improvement glory especially memorable:

Calling to mind any number of Home Improvement episodes, police say a 62-year-old Independence Township man was hospitalized Sunday after strapping a homemade rocket to his back while sledding
.
Fox 2 reports the rocket -- a combination of gunpowder, match heads and gasoline stuffed in a motorcycle muffler -- exploded during a downhill ride at a party he hosted.

“Apparently, he has this sledding party every year, and he always does outrageous things at it, but he’s never blown himself up before,” Oakland County Undersheriff Mike McCabe told the Detroit Free Press.

As you might imagine, authorities believe alcohol played a role, but no charges have been filed as the investigation continues. (Mlive)

I’m sorry to report that a certain celestial buttinski invoked his fools and drunks exemption, letting Einstein off with a painful warning: second-degree burns over 18% of his body. Old Ka-Boom strikes again? Yes, dammit.

Have you seen our 2009 Golden Oinks of the Year?

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