KULTURE | GOLDEN OINKS AWARDS 2010

Date Awards Bestowed : March 12, 2010

Cheers

Heroic Inkorrectness: Channeling their inner PIGster, some unknown Canadian wits thrilled the snot out of Siberian-Canadians, with their online advertisement. Promoting their "Native Extraction Service", they placed an advertisement on the Used Winnipeg cyberspace speed bump:

The ad, titled "Native Extraction Service," was posted on the website UsedWinnipeg.com, but was taken down by 1:38 p.m. CT on Thursday.

The text of the ad read: "Have you ever had the experience of getting home to find those pesky little buggers hanging outside your home, in the back alley or on the corner???

"Well fear no more, with my service I will simply do a harmless relocation. With one phone call I will arrive and net the pest, load them in the containment unit (pickup truck) and then relocate them to their habitat.

"It doesn't matter if they need to be dropped off on Salter (Street, in Winnipeg's North End) or the rez, I will go that extra mile. The North End of Winnipeg is where many city dwellers of First Nations descent live.

"My service is free because I want to live in the same city you do, a clean one," the ad said. (CBC)

Believe it or not, some Siberian-Canadians are not the least bit amused by this outburst of entrepreneurial capitalism. In fact, they have their loincloths in a painful ‘Hate Crime’ knot over it.

North-Wilson/CBC)On Thursday, First Nations leaders at Manitoba Keewatinowi Okimakanak (MKO), an organization representing most First Nations communities in northern Manitoba, said they want police to investigate the ad as a hate crime. "The way it's worded, 'to relocate them to their habitat.' Here we are trying to teach our kids better. The kids out there are told they're not wanted, said MKO Grand Chief David Harper. "This is unacceptable." (CBC)

"Native Extraction Service"? That’s PIGish to the ‘nth degree’.

Heroic Tyke of the Week: When three armed assholes invaded his Southern Mexifornia home and threatened his parents, our young hero swallowed his fear, then did what he had to do. After he rounded up his 6-year-old sister, the 7 year old lad hid in the bathroom, then summoned help, by dialing 911.

The boy and his 6-year-old sister hid unnoticed in the locked bathroom while the suspects threatened his mother and father at gunpoint. "There's some guy who's going to kill my mom and dad," he said breathlessly. "Bring cops. A lot of them! ... And soldiers, too."

The suspects eventually broke into the bathroom and someone screamed. The 911 operator sounded shaken as she explained what happened to her colleagues. (WTOP)

When the desperados demanded, ‘who did you call’, our young hero, responded forthrightly, "911". In a heartbeat, the home invading trio fled the scene of their attempted crime, empty-handed. A Los Angeles County Sheriff’s spokesman noted: "If not for the brave and educated actions of the 7-year-old boy, this might have ended tragically."

Truer words, PIGsters. Truer words.

PIGish Parade of the Week: Admittedly, ‘parade’ isn’t the proper description for a recent outburst of PIGish high spirits in China. I don’t care what you call it when 8 Chinese wenches strut their stuff on a public street, in an eye-popping state of undress. Whatever you call it, it’s a PIGish display that makes us stand up and - uh - salute.

A group of masked women caused controversy in China by dancing in the street in their underwear in a bid to find husbands. The eight young women said they were coming under intense pressure from their families to settle down before "it was too late".

They braved the weather to strip down to their bras and pants outside a subway station in Guangzhou, capital of Guangdong province, and danced for passers-by. The girls handed out sheets of paper with their personal details and the kind of men they hoped to marry, reports Guangzhou Daily. And they held boards with slogans such as: 'Brother, marry me!', 'My mom is pushing me for marriage!', and 'Time flies, let's date!'.

Calling themselves the 'Crazy Beauties', the women said they had deliberately timed the event to coincide with International Women's Day. (Ananova)

I know what you’re thinking and shame on you. All of them are still on the sunny side of 30, which is, by any rational standard, light years from ‘old maid’ status. If you’ve got the ‘Mr. Right’ stuff, I know eight China Dollies who would love to meet you.

Jeers

Braying Social Engineering Jackass of the Week: When it comes to using taxes and regulation to achieve his personal vision of a socially-engineered Eden, a Flori-DUH state Legicrat, Stephen Precourt, is leading the march into this Brave New World.

A Florida state senator is pushing for new legislation that would increase tax breaks for the movie industry but deny the same incentives to films featuring gay characters.

Current Florida law grants tax credits on productions considered "family friendly" -- films that omit smoking, sex, nudity or profane language. But in a bid to attract more movie production to Florida, Republican Rep. Stephen Precourt of Orlando is pushing a bill that would increase the credit and expand the field of disqualified productions as those that include any "exhibit or implied act" of nontraditional family values and gratuitous violence, the Palm Beach Post reported Tuesday. Precourt said he's not targeting the gay community but that shows with gay characters would not be something he'd want "to invest public dollars in." (Fox News)

Stevie is begging for an up close and personal Hambo encounter. Why? Several reasons. For starters, a tax credit is NOT an "investment of public dollars". In reality, a tax credit means that some Nanny State entity won’t steal you blind. It will still mug you, but it will leave you bus fare. It's THEIR money Stevie, not yours. They EARNED it. All you're doing is quibbling about how much of it you plan to STEAL.

Stevie’s supernaturalist brain fart is NOT a sound basis for setting public policy. In this land conceived in liberty, the government’s ONLY task is creating an environment where liberty thrives. When it comes to picking winners and losers, that’s the assigned, legitimate, role of the marketplace, not some Elected Tormentor Social Engineer with a personal agenda.

If Stevie is determined to save souls, and promote his personal flavor of morality, he MUST do that from the pulpit, not the state legislature, via the tax code. Shut up and sit down, Stevie. You don’t want me to come over there.

Zero Tolerance Zombies of the Week: When he headed for his kindergarten class at Jefferson Elementary in Iona (Michigan), 6 year old Mason Jammer didn’t know, that, before the sun went down over the western horizon, he’d be bagged and tagged as public enemy number one. How, you ask, did Mason manage that?

In these Zero Tolerance Zombie ravaged times, it was infuriatingly simple. He curled his hand in the shape of a gun and GASP, SHUDDER, CRINGE, pointed it at one of his classmates. Hit the deck he’s got a FINGER GUN. Call SWAT. Mobilize the National Guard. Send in the United States Marines. If all else fails, have the USAF carpet bomb this budding terrorist.

Okay. Okay! I’ll revoke the carpet bombing, unless we restrict it to the Zero Tolerance Zombies running Mason’s school:

‘...[W]hen Mason Jammer, a kindergarten student at Jefferson Elementary in Ionia, curled his fist into the shape of a gun Wednesday and pointed it at another student, school officials said it was no laughing matter. They suspended Mason until Friday, saying the behavior made other students uncomfortable, said Erin Jammer, Mason's mother.

School officials allege Mason had displayed this kind of behavior for several months, despite numerous warnings.

"I do think it's too harsh for a six-year-old," said Jammer, who was previously warned that if Mason continued the practice he would be suspended. "He's six and he just likes to play."...’ (MLIVE)

Mason’s only ‘sin’ is being a typical young lad. As such, he’s not the one with a problem. The villains here, are the Zero Tolerance Zombies who want to turn Mason into a mincing, metrosexual, wimp whose primary defense mechanism is cringing and caterwauling. Don’t let them do THAT to you, Mason.

Korrectnik Brainfart of the Week: With nothing better to do, Swiss voters are being led deeper into the Twilight Zone by some animal rights retards who are dressed like the Pied Piper. How? You’re going to be thrilled.

In a referendum cheered by animal rights activists, Swiss voters are deciding whether to appoint special lawyers for animals that have been abused by humans. If passed, the vote would extend a system already in place in Zurich to all of Switzerland's 26 regions.

Antoine F. Goetschel, Europe's only animal lawyer, says approving the proposal would ensure that abused animals are properly represented in court and those who hurt them would receive appropriate punishment.

Opponents, including the government, say existing laws are sufficient and appointing lawyers for animals would incur unnecessary costs for taxpayers. Switzerland already has some of the toughest animal protection laws in the world. (Daily Mail)

Giving critters the right to a shyster is the first step on the road to animal rights Eden, where humans and their animal companions are given the same set of rights.

Nanny State Insanity of the Week: From the FSOP’s ‘some are more equal than others’ news desk, I bring you thrilling news from ground zero for Nanny State Nitwitdom: J.O.E. That’s right, the Brits are boldly going, AGAIN, where they don’t belong, and this one is a relentlessly BOLD new concept.

Eager to add more groups to the ‘special rights’ roster, J.O.E.’s Equalities and Human Rights Commission has a new anti-discrimination edict rigged for action. You’ll be thrilled to learn that the new law provides covering fire for the differently carnivorous, the differently religious, and saints of sobriety.

The Equality Bill, masterminded by Labour deputy leader Harriet Harman, is due to come into force this Autumn. It makes it a legal requirement for public authorities, including schools, to consider the impact of all their policies on minority groups.

But the guidance explains: “A belief need not include faith or worship of a god or gods, but must affect how a person lives their life or perceives the world.”

Singling out vegans as meriting protection from religious discrimination, it says: "A person who is a vegan chooses not to use or consume animal products of any kind. That person eschews the exploitation of animals for food, clothing, accessories or any other purpose and does so out of an ethical commitment to animal welfare."

A spokesman from the commission explained: "This is about someone for whom being vegan or vegetarian is central to who they are. This is not something ‘thought up by the commission’. Parliament makes the law, the courts interpret it and the commission offers factual and proportionate guidance to organisations where necessary. We are providing guidance on the implications of the equality bill."

The legislation also covers 'any religious belief or philosophical belief' and even 'a lack of belief'. This means that members of cults and “new religions” such as Scientology, whose supporters include the film stars Tom Cruise and John Travolta, would also be offered protection, as would atheists. (Daily Mail)

Is it too late to rescue J.O.E.’s rational adults from tyrannical Nanny State oblivion? I don’t know, but it’s starting to look that way.

WTF

Human Gene Pool Volunteers of the Week: Putting a whole new spin on terms like ‘dead drunk’ and ‘blind drunk’, some thirsty denizens of northern India filed their human gene pool improvement volunteer applications, this week. It happened, when they loaded up on home-brewed swill that is, by any standard, unfit for human consumption.

At least 15 people have been killed and six others blinded after drinking toxic home-brewed liquor in northern India.

Eight people died in a village near Ghaziabad, 400km southwest of Lucknow, the capital of Uttar Pradesh state, Brij Lal, a senior police official. Seven people died in the nearby town of Bulandshahar, according to police official Neelesh Kumar.

Another six people were blinded and 15 others in the area sickened by the liquor.

Police said the demand for alcohol had risen sharply over the last week because of the Hindu festival of colours, Holi, which was celebrated on Monday. People throw coloured powder and water on each other during Holi, and many revellers also drink during the celebrations. (Stuff.co.nz)

Apparently, there are some undisclosed ‘however’ and ‘whereas’ clauses in Old Ka-Boom’s infamous fools and drunks exemption. Learn something new every day. Mark this one as ‘no thanks, I’m not THAT thirsty’ on your HGPI scorecard.

Losers of the Week: While dotting every ‘I’ and crossing every ‘t’, during the planning phase of their bank heist caper, a pair of Flori-DUDS overlooked one pesky detail about their targeted money emporium. They didn’t know that the targeted branch of Sun Trust Bank in Brunswick (Flori-DUH) is - TA DA - a drive-up business only outpost of capitalism.

They know that, now, but it won’t do them much good, while they’re in the slammer:

The man, with a ski mask over his face, yanked futilely on the locked door at SunTrust Bank, 4236 Norwich Street Extension, before running away about 9:30 a.m.

Right before the failed heist, a witness called 911 and reported seeing a man pull a mask over his head and try to enter the bank. Empty-handed, the robber ran away and was last seen getting into a white Ford van on nearby Whitlock Street across the Norfolk Southern train yard from the bank.

Almost instantly, about a half-dozen patrol cars with Glynn County and Brunswick police and Glynn County sheriff's deputies surrounded the van, which was occupied by two men. Police took both men into custody for questioning separately. (Jacksonville Times-Union)

While they’re lounging in their graybar guest suites, our hapless heros should brush up on their Robbery 101, in general, and ‘casing the joint’, in particular. If that’s too steep a hill to climb, there’s always that tried and true mantra "Do you want fries with that?"

Multitasking Moment of the Week: It’s not breaking news when a distracted driver’s lack of ‘focus’ causes a two-vehicle crash. It’s still not breaking news when you find out that this happened in Flori-DUH. What makes this epic PIG-worthy is the nature of the distraction.

Cellidiocy? Nope. Texting? Nope. Reading the paper, etc.? Nope and you’re still ice cold. I’ll give you a hint, it’s a female and it involves ‘personal grooming’. BUT, it’s not your ‘been there, seen that’ kind of personal grooming:

Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Trooper Gary Dunick said. "If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it." (Keys News)

As fun as this is, it gets better, because our beaver shaving babe, Megan Barnes, isn’t supposed to be driving and her ride has been banned from the roads:

The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months' probation. (Keys News)

Megan will have ample time to keep her ‘area’ squeaky clean, while she answers a laundry list of charges: driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance.

Daring Dukes of Hazzard Moment of the Week: A rain-soaked desperado, Darrell Smith, was not looking forward to his court appearance in a Ephrata (Washington) courtroom to answer kidnaping and robbery charges. In fact, as his subsequent antics show, he’d do anything, everything, to avoid it.

I’m here to tell you that Darrell gave it his best shot:

* On his way to the courtroom, he whined about being sick and asked to be returned to his cell.

* On the way back to jail, Darrell made his move and managed to pull free of the deputy, then escaped from custody.

* While racing through town, on foot, he spotted an old grain truck which he managed to liberate for a police chase.

* Moving along at 60 to 65 mph, Darrell led his eager pursuers 20 miles down the road.

* When he arrived at Moses Lake, he decided to test the grain truck’s ‘off roading’ capabilities. For that part of the story, I’ll defer to police Sgt. Ken Jones:

"He left the roadway at full speed," Jones said. "He turned that big old truck into a dune buggy. He made several jumps because of the berms out there on the hill. My estimate is that he was 3 or 3 1/2 feet in the air at times. It was just like Dukes of Hazzard, all four tires in the air. It was crazy."

Jones said he saw the truck, headed directly for a giant hill leading down to the water, duck out of sight. When the deputies reached the top of the hill, they saw the truck parked nearby and Smith about to jump into the water, handcuffs, prison jumpsuit and all.

"He more [sic] collapsed into the water and started to swim," Jones says. "I started yelling, 'It's too far, it's too cold. Come back to the shore.' He wasn't going anywhere. He looked back a few times, and continued his attempt at the doggie paddle."

"It became quickly apparent that Smith wasn't going to get very far. About 15 yards offshore, he started to tread water and began to bob up and down, struggling to keep his head above the surface. He started yelling, 'Help, I'm drowning!'" said Jones. (KOMO)

I’m sorry to report that Sgt. Jones and another deputy didn’t let this fool drown. Instead, they stripped down, then swam out to save Daredevil Darrell, a man who was thisclose, to evicting himself from the human gene pool. I HATE IT when that happens.

 

Have you seen our 2009 Golden Oinks of the Year?

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