Every week, the PIG staff buries the hatchet - invariably in one another - and sits down for our weekly awards selection shouting match, punchout and melee. Battered, bruised, and amazed that we survived another contentious confab, we try to muster a some semblance of professionalism while we salute those Standup Guys and Gals and administer bitch-slaps on the richly deserving. Originally named Props And Chops we decided to give this awards page a more illustrious name: Golden Oinks 2010.

PIG's Golden Oinks Selection Committee singles out the following individuals and/or groups for special PIG attention.

Technological Terror of the Week: The prime mover in this yarn is State Rep. Larry Pittman, who was appointed to the District 82 House seat, last October. He unleashed his infamous e-mail 'oops' after a death row inmate named Danny Hembree Jr, sent a letter to a Tar Heel State fishwrap. In the jailbird's letter, he bragged about his cushy prison life which would go on, endlessly, during the egregiously drawn out appeals process.

After setting his keyboard ablaze with a fiery dose of prose, Larry Pittman inadvertently, triggered the 'reply all' function, which thrilled every member of the state's General Assembly with this PIG-worthy prose:

"We need to make the death penalty a real deterrent again by actually carrying it out. Every appeal that can be made should have to be made at one time, not in a serial manner," Pittman wrote in the email. "If murderers (and I would include abortionists, rapists, and kidnappers, as well) are actually executed, it will at least have the deterrent effect upon them. For my money, we should go back to public hangings, which would be more of a deterrent to others, as well." (WRAL)

Did it hit the fan with a resounding 'SPLAT'? You bet.

Is Rep. Pittman trying to apologize his way out of it, after getting too real? You bet.

Does 'too little, too late', sum up his changes of talking his way out of it? You better believe it, Sparky.

Quote of the Week: We're now a country led by a man who thought JFK talked Khrushchev out of the Cuban missile crisis (he didn't); claimed that our country built the "Intercontinental Railroad" (must be from New York to Paris); and bragged that his uncle liberated Auschwitz (was he in the Soviet Red Army?).
Samuel Chi

Human Gene Pool Volunteer of the Week: Since this Human Gene Pool Improvement epic features bulls and raving lunatics who play chicken with them, you know the location is probably Spain. In this instance, the locaion is Navajas, a small (population 730) town in Northeast Spain. Like other towns in the region, Navajas perpetrates something called "toros embolados" (flaming bulls). Does that mean they set the bovines on fire? Not exactly.

Many towns in east and northeastern Spain celebrate feasts with "toros embolados," or "flaming bulls," which feature the animals racing around and shaking their heads as a reaction to flames or fireworks attached to or close to their horns. At these regional festivals, flaming-horned bulls are taunted and teased by rowdy crowds in bullrings, town squares or down streets. Unlike with most other events involving bulls, the animals aren't killed in the end. (SFGATE)

Some asshats deliberately piss off inherently cranky bovines who are already 'thrilled' by the flaming wax balls on their horns and/or fireworks attached to their horns? What could possibly go wrong? What indeed.

Our eager volunteer - he traveled 45 miles from home to get deselected - filed his HGPI application, when he tripped and fell, the instant a bull was released. In a heartbeat, the bull charged him, gored him, then did his own version of 'accepted' by stomping the man's head. Adios dumbass.

File this under "what an ASININE way to go" on your HGPI scorecard.

Loser of the Week: Tina Cafarelli is walking Bay State brainfart who has a lock on the coveted petty crime poster wench slot.

Step 1: She obtained a state-issued electronic benefit transfer (EBT) card. The card was stolen, but it's not etched in stone that she did the stealing.

Step 2: She used the stolen card to purchase 18 12-packs of soda (value $64) at a Lynn (Mass.) food emporium.

Step 3: She immediately took the cans to the food emporium's digital can return machine, then tried to deposit them, without emptying them first. Her antics inflict damage on the can recycling machine.

Step 4: When the police arrive, she lied about her identity, multiple times, then provided them with two false Social Security numbers.

Step 5: She got bagged, tagged, and dragged, for larceny under $250 by false pretense, destruction of property over $250, obstruction of justice and receiving stolen property.

This takes PETTY theft to new levels since her 'take' from the can deposit was going to be the princely sum of $10.80.

Stoner of the Week: Our hero - henceforth Einstein - is a 22 year old Kiwi dude who lives in Masterton (New Zealand, DUH). Among other things, Einstein is a stoner, a fun fact that plays a vital role in this fiery fun. For those who care, this story's essential ingredients are: our stoner, his cannabis pipe, a 9kg cylinder of LPG gas, and a cigarette lighter.

Hunkered down in the laundry room of his home, Einstein was "pre heating" his pipe, before he started smoking his weed. The sequence - not to mention the results - is exactly what you think.

Step 1: He opened the 'modified' valve on the gas cylinder.

Step 2: He gave the gas a few moments to reach the proper levels.

Step 3: He flicked his BIC.

Step 4: KA-BOOM!

Step 5: Thanks to Old Ka-Boom's fools and drunks (includes stoners) exemption, Einstein lived to be stupid on another day, but the price is a painful one: burns to his face, arm, thigh and knee.

The proper authorities say that Einstein lucked out. If the entire gas cylinder had gone off, it would have killed him, leveled the house and injured the other occupants of the house. Does this mean Einstein learned his lesson? I seriously doubt it.

PIG-Worthy Idea of the Week: Like so many PIG-worthy events, it started with a notion hatched by one man. Our hero's name is Jim Black, who is a denizen of Chagrin Falls (a village in Cleveland's suburbs). It began small, when, in an e-mail to his friends, Jim Black suggested:

"Let's show our support for one of our local businesses," he wrote. "I challenge everyone to spend AT LEAST $20 at the hardware on the 21st."

Although his email referred to the idea of a "Cash Mob" or the notion to "Occupy CF Hardware," he really had no political agenda. And it wasn't meant as a protest against the big-box stores that have created an ever-tightening circle around the community.

It was just a way to thank Chagrin Hardware's owners for a beloved shop that has been a fixture in the village since 1857. (Yahoo News)

The e-mail went viral, spreading far beyond the small enclave in Cleveland's eastern suburbs. Big fun, but did it work? You better believe it, Sparky:

* On the designated day, they came in droves, until the store was teeming with customers.

* The phone never stopped ringing, thanks to out of state callers who made purchases over the phone.

* By 1:30 p.m., the credit card machine was so overloaded that it had to be reset.

* The line at the checkout stretched in two directions.

The hardware wrangling capitalists aren't furnishing a sales total for the day, but their face-splitting grins tell us all we need to know.

Jim Black's idea is a good one. Why not organize a similar even in your town? Just pick out a deserving business and spread the word. It's an utterly American thing to do.

Second Amendment Hero of the Week: Our hero is a 65-year-old man who exercised his Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, during a bike ride along the Thun Trail in West Reading (Pennsylvania). He was minding his own business, when a trio of teenage muggers accosted him.

First, they knocked the man off his bike, they pinned him against a fence. Mistaking the man for easy pickings, two of the punks started beating on our hero, but he had other ideas about that crap. Instead of taking it, the man pulled out his street legal firearm, then shot the two punks who had assaulted him.

When the gun smoke cleared, one punk was room temperature, while another punk had a gunshot wound in his neck. The third teen was bagged, tagged, and dragged to a graybar. Predictably, the Berks County D - John Adams - made the requisite 'don't try this at home' noises, before he got 'real' with the rest of the story. DA Adams admitted that our Second Amendment hero had no choice, when he used his gun in self defense. He then added another, telling, fact: on that same day, before the punks assaulted our Second Amendment hero, they'd mugged two other men. Last but not least, the DOA desperado, Julias Johnson was on probation and wearing a tracking device that had been attached, that very morning.

Good riddance? You better believe it, Sparky.

PIGish Sound Bite of the Week: The fun started when the Feds (FBI) bagged, tagged, and dragged four East Haven cops for discrimination against Hispanics. The charges include 'deprivation of rights and obstruction of justice'. As fun as this sounds, it got much better, when East Haven Mayor Joseph Maturo reappointed a 'co-conspirator', Leonard Gallo to his Chief of Police position.

This week, Mayor Maturo thrilled the usual suspects, again, when, despite a firestorm of criticism from the usual, Korrectnik, suspects, he said his ideas for 'doing something for the [Hispanic] community might involve having some tacos. Believe it or not, there are some properly-hyphenated pinheads who have 'issues' with Mayor Maturo's attitude. It's go figure time in the PIG bunker.

Excuse of the Week: Paul Thompson is an Aussie desperado who made a lasting impression on everybody, when he plied his trade. Stark naked, he was lurking near Darwin (Australia) shopping center, when he accosted an off duty Northern Territory Police officer. Brandishing a knife, Paul stole the officer's bag, then tried to make a watery escape.

After seeking cover in some nearby mangroves, Paul dove into Darwin Harbor and tried to swim to freedom. When the forces of justice chased him down in boat, Paul added resisting arrest, to his growing list of charges. Eventually, the Aussie cops gassed him with OC spray (probably something akin to pepper spray or Mace).

Bagged, tagged, and dragged for such things as aggravated assault, aggravated robbery and gross indecency in a public place, Paul save his best moves for his appearance in Darwin Magistrates Court. When asked, in essence, "what's your damage", our hero unleashed this PIG-worthy gem:

Thompson said he should not be punished because somebody was "joy riding" his body and "programming" him. Thompson told Magistrate Sally Sievers his memory of the incident was vague and he could only remember bits and pieces. (Daily Mail)

Nobody's fool, Magistrate Sievers sent Paul to the mental health professionals to have his head examined.

Have you seen our 2011 Golden Oinks of the Year?