KULTURE | GOLDEN OINKS AWARDS 2010

Date Awards Bestowed : March 05, 2010

Cheers

Heroes of the Week: Many of us were impressed by the exploits of the US hockey team on the ice, at the just concluded Vancouver Winter Olympics. As inspiring as their medal-winning exploits were, their off the ice actions are the focus of this award.

Brian Burke, GM of US Hockey, is a proud American who managed to combine his patriotism with athletics. How? He teamed up with Operation Homefront, to pair up each player on the U.S. Hockey Team with a wounded American warrior. In so doing, he made these wounded warriors an important part of the U.S. Hockey Team:

"The real heroes in America don't wear hockey uniforms, they wear police uniforms, they wear camo, they wear fire uniforms, and we want our players to understand that what we do is small potatoes compared to what those people do," Burke said Saturday.

So it should come as no surprise that there has been a military component to Team USA's preparations here in Vancouver.

Burke and USA Hockey joined forces with Operation Homefront and had a wounded soldier adopt each member of Team USA. The soldiers sent packages, including letters of encouragement to the players. Those packages were placed in the American dressing room at Canada Hockey Place earlier this week.

"We are very proud of the military in our country and it's part of what we do," Burke said. (Ace of Spades Blog)

If you think this is just a PR ploy, get over it. On the night before one of the games, the team invited one of their wounded warrior teammates to speak to them. He’s U.S. Army Ranger Captain Chad Fleming. Despite losing his leg in combat, Captain Fleming returned to lead his men on a later tour of duty in Iraq. I’m confident that his courage inspired our team to its first victory over Canada and propelled them to their heroic comeback, when they came thisclose to beating the Canadian team in the championship game.

PIGish Promotion of the Week: I’m please to welcome Decency Demon, Howard Stern, back to our Golden Oinks page. After a prolonged absence, Howard commanded our undivided attention with a relentlessly PIGish outburst of self-promotion.

If you’re thinking ‘beauty pageant’, you’re on the right track, but it’s not your plain vanilla, ‘been there, seen that’ booty parade.

Last week Howard Stern announced he had lined up four of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses to compete in a “beauty pageant” as part of his radio program on March 10, but Pop Tarts has learned exclusively that at least one of the women is causing problems.

“It’s all a bit chaotic at the moment, one of the girls pulled out, and Stern’s people are scrambling and doing everything they can to get her back,” an insider told Pop Tarts. “They’re offering her a black diamond (which was supposed to be just for the winner) and guaranteed prize money even if she doesn’t win.”

Pop Tarts has also been told a slew of companies are trying to get in on the action and “sponsor” the prize pool of the highly-anticipated showdown between the three (possibly four) mistresses who are yet to be identified, all of whom have already been named in the press as having had affairs with the married golf pro.

The women are slated to compete in various sections including “bikini,” “personality,” and “talent” in a bid to take home a $100,000 cash prize which was donated by - how surprising - infidelity-promoting agency AshlyMadison.com. (Fox 411)

It’s nice to know that Howard hasn’t lost his touch, since moving to satellite radio.

Heroine of the Week: From her home in J.O.E., a 17-year-old Brit teen reached across the Atlantic Ocean to save a 5-year-old North Carolina girl from a rapist pedophile. Her heroism started, 3 years ago, when she struck up long distance friendship with North Carolina college student, James Carroll, in an online gaming chat room.

Eventually, James said something which so alarmed our heroine, that she reported it to the proper, Brit, authorities:

According to the teen's statement, outlined in a probable cause affidavit obtained by ABCNews.com, Carroll, 20, detailed his intentions of having sex with a young girl he was scheduled to babysit the following weekend.

The British authorities who received the complaint notified the U.S. Department of Justice who then reached out to the Cary Police Department, who on Feb. 25 arrested Carroll at his parents' home.

The U.K. teen told police that she had been chatting with Carroll for the past three years after they met in an online gaming chat room. The teen said that the conversations had only recently turned sexual after Carroll requested she send him nude pictures of herself, which she did, according to the affidavit. The teen also admitted to police, according to the documents, that she had participated in online sex acts via a webcam with Carroll. But when Carroll started "acting weird," according to the teen's statement to police, she became concerned.

"Basically, this guy is telling me he's going to have sex with an innocent 5-year-old girl that he babysat last night," the teen's statement reads. "He said he [was babysitting] with a friend so he couldn't do anything. However, on Saturday night, he says he will babysit her alone, so he can have sex with her."

Carroll had allegedly been planning to molest the young girl on Feb. 27, just two days after authorities arrested him. (ABC News)

PIG salutes our heroine for saving a little girl whom she doesn’t know, has never met, from a rapist pedophile. You did good, darlin’.

Jeers

Nanny State Nitwits of the Week: Fifteen years ago, when a family purchased a hardware store - B & B Do it Center - in Camarillo (Mexifornia) they continued a tradition started by the previous owner. What tradition? Each morning, Randy Collins - co-owner of B & B along with his parents, put out a box of donuts and a pot of coffee for visitors to the store.

If you visit B & B, today, you’ll notice that the donuts and coffee are MIA. Why? A free-ranging killjoy whined to the proper authorities and the rest - along with the donuts and coffee - is history.

Inspectors told Collins that unless he was willing to install stainless-steel sinks with hot and cold water and have a prep kitchen to handle the food, he was violating the law.

“The state health and safety code talks about food regulations,” said Elizabeth Huff, manager of community services for the Ventura County Environmental Health Division. “Anybody who handles food is subject to the regulations.”

At issue is the level of permit required for a retail establishment to offer food to the public. “What some establishments do is hire a mobile food preparation services or in some cases a coffee service,” said Huff. “Those establishments have permits and can operate in front of or even inside of the stores. But where the public has access to food, permitting is required.” (Ventura County Star)

One or more of Camarillo’s resident rational adults needs to round up the whining asshat who started the trouble, plus this bureaucratic piece of shit, Elizabeth. Both need to be flushed out of Camarillo’s misery, by any means necessary. Invoking the words of my lovely bride: just shoot the bastards.

Braying Jackasses of the Week: Kevin Geraghy-Shewan blundered into his personal circle of Child Protection Nazi hell, when he took his 4 year old son, Ben, to a Brit outpost of capitalism - Bridges Shopping Centre in Sunderland (J.O.E.). It started simply enough, when Kevin’s train-bonkers tyke spotted a kiddie ride which looks like a small train. Inspired by his delighted son’s enthusiasm, Kevin did what any doting dad would do - he took a picture of Ben on his train ride. No harm, no foul? It is to a rational adult, a designation which excludes a pair of steaming loads who infest the aforementioned shopping center:

Moments later, he was apprehended by the security guard. The father-of-one, who was in the North East visiting family, said: 'He said "you can't take pictures in here". I asked why and he told me it was because for all he knew I could be a paedophile. I told him Ben was my son. But he said I couldn't prove it. I couldn't believe it. I walked away and then I thought about making a complaint.'

A few minutes later a police officer arrived at the Bridges Shopping Centre in Sunderland and threatened to delete the photograph. 'They said I matched the description of a man who had been taking pictures,' Mr Geraghty-Shewan said. 'They took my details and said they had the right to remove the picture from my phone. I got annoyed and things got heated, then he threatened me with arrest for breach of the peace. Ben thought I was in trouble because he had sat on the ride and we didn't put the money in.'

Mr Geraghty-Shewan was so annoyed by the incident he posted a picture of the security guard on his blog. (Daily Mail)

Predictably, the suits at Bridges Shopping Centre are circling the wagons, trying to defend the indefensible. Blah, blah, blah. If you visit J.O.E. avoid this blight like it’s tainted with Ebola.

Airport Asshole of the Week: Paul Fairclough, who served as a medic with the Royal Marines’ 539 Assault Squadron in Kosovo and Iraq, is understandably proud of his service to Queen and country. In fact, he wears his pride under his sleeve, via a tattoo of his regimental badge - the legendary Commando dagger. It is, for him, a badge of honor and a salute to his comrades in arms.

Recently, Paul found out that some Brits aren’t thrilled spitless over his body art. In fact, while changing planes at Heathrow Airport - during a flight from Toronto to Manchester - he was confronted by an airport security bitch who ‘ordered’ him to cover up his tattoo, because it was - TA DA - ‘offensive’.

After he put his bag on to an x-ray machine he was told to take his jacket off - revealing the 12-inch tattoo on his right arm. The female operator spotted the tattoo and said: 'That tattoo is offensive. You will have to cover it up.'

The father-of-one, who joined the Army at 19 and now works as a safety officer on oil rigs, refused to cover the design and walked past the guard.

Mr Fairclough said: 'I tried to explain that she was mistaken and that it was the insignia of my old regiment, the Royal Marines. She said she knew exactly what it was but that it made no difference. They had a policy that tattoos showing offensive weapons of any kind must not be on show. I was half annoyed and told her that there was no way I was covering it up and I walked on as she glared at me. I half expected to feel a tap on my shoulder but I just walked through the arch and went on my way.' (Daily Mail)

Determined to take the fight to the enemy, Paul tried to lodge a complaint over the insult to his regimental insignia, but all he got for his trouble was a load of crap about gang tattoos, plus entirely too much sneering condescension. Later, after the story hit the Brit news cycle, a spokeshole for the British Airport Authority at Heathrow, served up some ‘oops, our bad’ hot air, belatedly admitting that the BAA doesn’t have a policy against tattoos. It’s too little, and much too late, assholes.

Whine of the Week: The fun started, when a Rahway (New Jersey) family decided to put Old Man Winter’s handiwork to good use. In an memorable outburst of artistry, Maria Conneran and her family sculpted a copy of the Venus de Milo out of snow. Maria’s mother, Elisa Gonzalez, called it "curvaceous, bodacious and booty-licious" and she’s right.

It was, as you can see, a nice bit of work. Unhappily , some free ranging killjoys got their Holy Roller panties in a wad over it and ran caterwauling to the local police - anonymously, of course. As a result, an officer was dispatched to investigate.

Gonzalez says the officer was apologetic and appreciative of the sculpture's assets. The officer asked the family to dress the snow woman. The family added a green bikini top and a blue sarong bottom. (Journal-News)

They complied, giving the anonymous whiner a victory, a fact which really pisses me off. If you don’t have the stones to make your complaint, IN PERSON, ON THE RECORD, to the ones who gave you a boo-boo, then STFU you gutless piece of shit.

WTF

PIG’s Best Body of Evidence Award: Last fall, after exchanging heated pleasantries with her boyfriend, Malon Kelly, our fetching award winner, Georgina Phair, had a memorable meltdown. Armed with a sufficient quantity of gasoline, Georgina poured it on the hood of her boyfriend’s van and set it on fire. The ensuing explosion, in addition to being an especially noisy one, inflicted £4,000 worth of damage on Malon’s ride. Girls will be girls.

Fast forward to the present and Georgina has, once again, let it all hang out for some judges. Unlike her prior adventures in a judge’s bull’s-eye - as the official Brit competitor in Miss Bikini World and Miss Tourism World - this one wasn’t all fun, games, and bikinis.

The bad news is that the Gloucester Crown Court sentenced Georgina to 40 weeks in a Brit graybar. The good news is that impressed by Georgina’s assets - her body of evidence - she was put on probation for two years, sparing her from the slammer. It’s a shame she couldn’t wear her bikini to court. If she did that, the judge would throw Malon in jail.

Parting shot: According to Malon Kelly, he pissed Georgina off when he tried to ‘cool things off between them’, proving, to my satisfaction, that he’s INSANE!

Human Gene Pool Improvement Volunteer of the Week: We’ll never know why our HGPI volunteer - we’ll call her Splat - was in such a hurry. All we know for certain is that the train rumbling down the tracks was impeding her progress, so she didn’t wait for the railway boom gate to move, after the train finally passed the railroad crossing.

Splat filed her human gene pool improvement volunteer application, after she ducked under the crossing gate and headed across the double set of railroad track. She got the thrilling "ACCEPTED" news, when a second train, one traveling on the second set of tracks, evicted her from the human gene pool with a resounding ‘SPLAT’.

Mark this one as ‘impatience kills’ on your human gene pool improvement scorecard.

Loser of the Week: After spending some quality time in a Nuremberg (Germany) nightclub, our hero - we’ll call him Lucky - had an urgent need for ‘Speed’. Anxious to get ‘er done, Lucky selected a car at random in a nearby car park, then used its roof to deploy several lines of his Meth. No harm, no foul? You should know better, by now.

The 26-year-old began lining up the powdered drugs on the roof of the car in a disco car park, when the two police officers surprised him, a Nuremberg police spokesman said on Tuesday.

The man had no idea the normal looking vehicle belonged to the police, and it was coincidence that the officers -- who were walking by their parked car -- discovered him just as he was about to take the drugs.

"He's got horrible luck," said Bert Rauenbusch, police spokesman in the southern German city. (Reuters)

When it comes to police work, there are times when it’s better to be lucky than good. Book ‘em, Klaus.

Police Chase of the Week: This adventure started when our hero - I’ll call him ‘Timex’, because he takes a licking and keeps on ticking - showed up in a Montcalm County (Michigan) court to answer a contempt of court charge. He was there, but he had no intention of attending the festivities.

* He got things rolling, on the way to a court lock-up room, when he fought with an officer, pulled himself free and raced into a courtroom.

* Inside the courtroom, he was tackled by an assistant county prosecutor and a state corrections officer. They had him, for a moment, but the instant they relaxed their grip, Timex was off and running again.

* When a court officer tazed, him, Timex shook it off.

* When he got to the front door of the courthouse, Timex was maced by another court officer, but he shook that off too.

* Outside, in the court parking lot, he locked himself inside a van, but officers smashed through a window and tazed Timex again. Unfazed, he shook that off, too.

* He got the van going, then led the proper authorities on police chase which hit speeds approaching 80 mph, but his speed slowed to a crawl when hit got nailed with spike strips. Unfazed, he keep on going, albeit at a reduced rate of speed.

* He managed to get home and barricade himself inside. That worked, until his home was invaded by four officers and a K-9 team. Is this the end for Timex? Nope.

Timex fled to a nearby building, then startled the snot out of police officers, when he crashed through the closed garage doors in his 1971 Dodge motor home. After another police chase, Timex was forced off the road then tazed for the 3rd, and last, time. When it comes to Timex and tazers, the 3rd time was the charm that finally got him bagged, tagged, and dragged.

 

Have you seen our 2009 Golden Oinks of the Year?

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