KULTURE | GOLDEN OINKS AWARDS 2008

Date Awards Conferred: September 05, 2008

Bravos

Heroine of the Week: Since she burst onto the national scene, one action-packed week ago, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has been smeared, slandered, vilified, and egregiously maligned. Despite an unrelenting public pummeling from shrill Feminazis, the snarling Daily Kossack Marxists fringe dwellers, press card packing Obamatons, etc., Sarah Palin has stayed the course. It takes more than these lefty losers to intimidate a woman who earned the nickname "Barracuda" while playing on her high school basketball team.

They pulled every lower than whale crap trick in the book, dredging up rumors, innuendo, outright lies, and everything else, widening their attacks to include Sarah Palin’s husband, teenage daughter and even her four month old son. They elevated blog bull crap to the status of hard news. They smeared her with a cover article in an Obamaton owned gossip rag. They even accused her of having an affair (the newest issue of the National Enquirer).

Despite it all, Sarah Palin didn’t back down. Instead of wilting under this unprecedented frontal assault, Sarah Palin sucked it up, and, in front of a nationwide audience, she stayed on message. She shrugged off the attacks and opened fire, in telling fashion on her Demoncrat opponents, Messiah Barry Obama, the boy blunder, and Joe "Bidenman" Biden.

Sarah Palin has guts and we salute her for her heroism.

Free Speech Heroes of the Week: A few weeks ago, PIG nailed Random House with a richly deserved brickbat for going furtive and girly when a Spokane-based author, Sherry Jones’s historical novel, ‘The Jewel of Medina’ had Islamikazes, and those who coddle them, setting their dish rag headgear on fire. Terrified by the possibility that liberty-venerating Islamikazes would go on a rampage and threaten Random House, and its employees, the book publisher yanked the book at the 11th hour. A couple months later, a Serbian publisher released "The Jewel of Medina", then quickly yanked it from the stores when faced with Islamikaze threats.

Since then, Sherry has been shopping her book about the Mecca Maniac prophet and his jailbait bride, Aisha, with little success. We are pleased to report that somebody in American publishing circles has the stones to defy the Islamikaze’s threats.

"We do have a U.S. publisher," Sherry Jones, of Spokane, told The Associated Press in an e-mail today. "We can announce that, but not the name until they announce it." Jones' agent, Natasha Kern, said a publisher for "The Jewel of Medina" in the United States and the United Kingdom will be announced later today.

"Now we can all move the conversation forward to address the themes in my debut novel and its sequel, of women's empowerment, reconciliation, and peace," Jones said.

The book will also be published in Germany, Italy, Spain, Brazil and Hungary, Jones said. (Seattle Times)

The Free State of PIG salutes this, as yet, unnamed publisher for elevating liberty above Islamikaze intimdation.

Crimestoppers of the Week: For many ‘heros’, it’s a simple matter of being in the right place, at the right time, with the right stuff. That describes our crimestopping hero, a Kiwi truck driver, Sam Woods, perfectly. Sam was minding his own business when he saw a low life grab a woman’s purse at a Christchurch (New Zealand) bus stop. Unwilling to let this go, unchallenged, Sam, and another passenger, confronted the punk who responded by brandishing a screwdriver:

"He said, 'What's up; do you want me? I'll call the cops'," Woods said. "I said, 'They're already on their way', and he turned around and bolted."

Woods chased the youth, who threw away the screwdriver. After a 2km chase, Woods and two other men cornered the youth until police arrived.

Afterwards Woods said he was looking forward to getting back into his truck and having a breather. "When you run in steel-capped boots for 2km, you're pretty knackered," he said.

Woods said he did not fear for his safety. "I deal with dodgy chemicals every day. What's a screwdriver?" (The Press)

The Free State of PIG likes your style, Sam. You had the right stuff when you needed it and that, in our opinion, is heroism.

Brickbats

Unintended Consequence of the Week: The purpose of language filter programs is unambiguous: render the Internet user friendly for chronically offended prudes, not to mention, THE CHILDREN. Leaving nothing to chance, these language sanitizing do-gooders, venture beyond the oft-reviled 4-letter words. In addition to expunging f-bombs and s-bombs, these language filters also transform "ass" into "butt", and "tit" into "breast". No harm, no foul? You know better.

This self-inflicted wound reaches critical mass, when these language filters make their changes in the middle of a word: "Lincoln assassinated" becomes "Lincoln Buttbuttinated"; "Passenger" becomes "Pbuttenger";"Passerby" becomes "Pbutterby"; "Classic" becomes "Clbuttic"

The problem is fairly widespread; Google searches turn up 3,810 results for “clbuttic”, 5,120 for “consbreastution”, and 1,450 for “Buttociated Press”, a corruption of the US news agency the Associated Press.

Perhaps the most celebrated instance of the Clbuttic Mistake comes in an article currently visible on the website jucee.org . It contains mentions of a “series of previously secret Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) plots to buttbuttinate foreign leaders”, a law “pbutted by Congress”, and new powers "butterted" by the US administration.

Another article on the site is titled “What did the British Embbutty do for this British National Overseas pbuttport holder.” (Telegraph)

Here in the Free State of PIG, our favorite clbuttic mistake is the one found on the American Family Association’s site, where they had their language filter expunge "Gay" and replace it with "Homosexual". That produced this award-worthy gem about sprinter Tyson Gay’s heroics at the U. S. Olympic Trials: “Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has." Later, in the same Internet rant, the AFA referred to Tyson as “the 25-year-old Homosexual”.

Holy unintended consequences, Batman.

Unintended Consequence Runner-Up: King County is the most populace county in that terminally liberal state of Great Northwest Nitwit bliss, Washington. Two years ago, the Korrectniks reached critical mass over former Vice President Rufus DeVane King, the man who lent his name to this reeking stain on Uncle Sam’s skivvies, King County. These rain-soaked Korrectniks were shocked, shocked, I tell you, that former VEEP King was, GASP, a slave owner. Horrified, the relevant Elected Tormentors selected a new ‘King’, the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., to be the standard bearer for their county. Happily ever after? Not exactly.

The fun hit high gear, when the county hacks replaced the former emblem for the county, a crown, with the image of Rev. King’s face. That’s when the unintended consequences reached critical mass. Somebody didn’t do their homework and make a comprehensive list of all the places where the county logo appears: the floor of certain government buildings; garbage cans and dumpsters; the waste bins in the park. As fun as that is, the one that made the county’s Elected Tormentors cringe were - TA DA - garbage bags. Feeling queasy, the relevant officials furtively pulled the bags, despite the fact that nobody complained about them. Elsewhere, seeing Dr. King’s image on a cop car elicited a memorable cringe from certain King County Ethnocrats.

County officials are trying to channel their inner Solomon, with mixed results. Proving what PIG already knew, they discovered the hard way, that no matter how hard you try to feel their pain, there’s always some Korrectnik who will find a reason to be offended.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions? You better believe it, extra crispy Korrectnik Sparky.

Whine of the Week: The capitalists running a Croatian shopping center did the math, then, quite reasonably, concluded that it made good business sense to make their mall as user friendly as possible, for female shoppers. Going all out, they decided to set aside special, women only, parking places for the exclusive use of the ladies.

In addition to picking parking spots in prime locations, the shopping center’s suits decorated the slots with pink flowers, made them wider than usual, spaced them farther apart, put in added lighting, and made sure they were easy to enter and exit. Were their efforts lauded? Not exactly.

You won’t be shocked to learn that men complained because women are getting special treatment. Believe it or not, females are outraged, too. Womyn are outraged by the unintended implications of the wider, widely spaced, slots. For them it’s the old ‘sexist’ canard about females being a menace behind the wheel whose parking skills reek.

Gobsmacked by these whining womyn, the parking center’s capitalists have - TA DA - apologized for their ‘offensive’ actions.

Nanny State Nitwits of the Week: This adventure in Elected Tormentor stupidity started when a venerable metal trash bin tipped over and spilled its contents - assorted rubbish that included dog poop - into a nearby stream. It should have been a simple matter, but, not this time. First, the relevant garbage men refused to pick it up because it wasn’t a council-owned bin. Big fun, but not PIG-worthy.

Next, after receiving at least a dozen citizen complaints, David Barnard, vice-chairman of the Harting Parish Council, reported the incident to the relevant department which deals with illegal trash dumping. That’s when this mundane incident careened into the Brit-accented region of the Twilight Zone:

"I spoke to someone from the department dealing with fly-tipping and he said - and I quote - 'We don't have anyone qualified to wear wellington boots'. I said: 'But it's only four inches deep'. Then he said that the problem was that they also needed harnesses and ropes to stop them getting washed away."

According to Cllr Barnard, the council informed him that it would take at least a week before the local authority could clean up the mess. "It's bureaucracy gone mad," Cllor Barnard added. (Telegraph)

Finally, proving that there is still a modicum of intelligent life in Brit Elected Tormentor ranks, three members of the Harting Parish Council put on some waders, braved that raging torrent - all four inches of it - and cleaned up the mess themselves. From start to finish, the whole process took 10 minutes.

As usual, the twerps on the Chichester District Council whose job the parish councillors performed, tried their best to play ‘nothing to see here, move along’. Their claims that they had this toxic spill on the trash collector radar ring hollow and reek of ‘too little, too late’.

Parting shot: The Telegraph made our eyes roll up in our head with this tidbit about the Chichester District Council pinheads:

Last week it emerged that members and staff of Chichester District Council had been urged to avoid phrases such as "man in the street", "manning the switchboard" and "old woman" as well as the words Mrs, Miss, girl and lady.

The guidance was sent to parish councils in the area. The local authority claimed that using such language is "inherently sexist, not a fair reflection of reality and makes the views or work of women invisible".

Beam Me Up, Scotty

PIG’s Begging for it Award: True believers, invariably, cringe, when someone ‘swears to God’, that something is true. It is, true believers will say, sacrilegious. There’s another problem with swearing to God. What problem? The following item from the Shanghai Daily illustrates this inherent danger:

‘...[A] man, who was identified as Xu, had borrowed 500 yuan (US$73.21) from a close friend surnamed Huang three years ago. Xu, who lived in Fuqing City, Fujian Province, later forgot all about it, according to a news Web portal in Fujian.

But Huang remembered and complained before other friends that Xu had taken money from him.

On Tuesday, Huang took a wooden rod and rushed to Xu's home asking him to return the money. Xu too confronted Huang with an iron bar and stood his ground.

Huang then told Xu that he should swear before god that he was not in his debt. Xu lifted the iron bar over his head and said if he owed Huang money, the god would punish him. Just then he was struck by lightning.

Xu - it must mean ‘Sparky’ in Chinese - will survive his experience, but he’ll swallow those fateful words, the next time. Why is it a bad idea to swear to God? Because HE is listening, and his sense of humor needs work.

Dumbass Desperado of the Week: This Mexas meathead only got one thing right: he timed his robbery of an Arlington branch of Chase Bank perfectly. Arriving mere minutes before closing, he was in and out with a fistful of cash without any obvious mishaps. There were, as expected, a few hitches in the caper.

Our hero, Dexter Williams, hit his first speed bump, when he got to his getaway car, a Dodge Dynasty. That's when he learned that he left his car keys inside the bank.

His next speed bump transpired when Arby’s employee, Justin Dean, spotted Dexter running toward the back of the shopping center and passed the info to the cops.

The final speed bump reached critical mass when the cops found him near a trash bin, a mere block from the bank. He’d just thrown his robbery hat and a red t-shirt inside the bin, to elude detection. He should have saved himself the effort because he’d already sealed his fate back in the bank. How? You’re going to love it:

"He wrote the note on the back of one of his checks that had all his personal information on it. He's definitely not the brightest criminal that we've come across." (Police spokesman Blake Miller)

Bagged, tagged and dragged, Dexter will soon feel right at home in that graybar suite. Book this moron,Walker.

Dumbass Desperado Runner-Up: Dumb is smashing car windows in a parking lot and getting caught. Dumber is targeting cop cars for your window-smashing antics. Holy crap is breaking out the windows of two Boulder Police cars and a Sheriff’s Department transport van in the Boulder County Jail’s parking lot. Did Kurt Grimmelmann really think that nobody would notice?

The spiffiest part of this K*USA boob tube report is this classic dose of police reportage:

"Grimmelmann was taken into custody and was physically uncooperative and sustained facial injuries," said Boulder Sergeant Jason Oehlkers.

Translation: He made our day by resisting arrest so we gave him his richly-deserved lumps.

Human Gene Pool Volunteer of the Week: A Flori-DUH dude did everything in his power to attract the human gene pool improvement volunteer selection committee and it worked. Since he has perpetrated similar stunts, elsewhere, Ronald Brown was already on the selection committee’s radar. That’s why his application was approved so readily.

He decided to seal his fate with a memorable visit to Looking Glass Falls in Pisgah National Forest (North Carolina). Determined to get it done, Ronald ignored the prominently displayed warning signs, when he scaled the fence. Once at the top of the falls, he studied the water 70 feet below, then made his fatal plunge. In addition to the splash heard when he landed in a mere 6 feet of water, he heard the thunderous sound of his application being stamped ‘APPROVED’.

It’s not the 70 foot drop that kills you, it’s the sudden stop in 6 feet of water that gives you fatal head and spinal injuries, in addition to assorted broken bones.

Human Gene Pool Volunteer, Runner-Up: The two Palmetto State bright bulbs had time to kill and, with nothing better to do on a Thursday evening, they decided to spend some quality time huffing keyboard cleaner. I know it sounds weird, but you have no idea how dull it can be in Anderson (South Carolina) at 8:30 in the evening.

Apparently, huffing keyboard cleaner requires the proper setting. Our two heros found the ideal place, a parking space near the civic center baseball fields. Once there, with the windows rolled up, they huffed and puff, having a glorious time of it. It was all going swimmingly, until one of them decided that the only thing better than huffing keyboard cleaner is huffing keyboard cleaner while smoking a cancer stick. He fired up, and made a wondrous discovery. Keyboard cleaner fumes make a spiffy explosive when ignited by a flame.

Faster than you can say BOOM, all the windows in the car blew out, giving both men painful reality checks: One of the men suffered second-degree burns on his hands, face, legs and neck. The other man suffered second-degree burns to his chest, neck and face.

We’re bummed that human gene pool improvement was denied, this time. Given this level of stupidity, it’s just a matter of time before they get those human gene pool volunteer applications stamped ACCEPTED. File this one under ‘any day now’.

NUT-Job of the Week: Our hero is a Malaysian dude in his 20s who is on the verge of getting engaged next week. Eager to ‘be all that he can be’, he took the road less traveled to enhance the dimensions of his wang. How? He went more than a tad ‘nutty’. That’s right, perceptive PIGsters, he tried to make his want longer, by putting a nut - as in nut and bolt - around his wang. We’re not sure how, exactly, that’s supposed to help, but feel free to try it out yourself.

Predictably, when someone perpetrates a stunt of this monumental stupidity, trouble reared its ugly head:

The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, the Star newspaper said, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state. Staff from the Sultanah Aminah hospital had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed, the newspaper said.

It said the fire and rescue department were also involved in trying to remove the nut from the unnamed welder, who is in his 20s and hoped the nut would weigh down his penis to make it longer.

"The patient is now recovering and we hope to discharge him today (Sunday)," hospital director Daud Abdul Rahim told the Star. (AFP)

If you decided to tempt fate and duplicate this stunt, do us a favor and have a rational adult standing by with a camera. We’ll want pictures of you writhing in agony while the paramedics try to extricate your little soldier from that tight spot..

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