PORCUS PITCHFORK | WTF!!!
PORCUS' PONDERINGS, DEEP THOUGHTS, FLASHBACKS
AND PET PEEVES
PIG's resident choirboy and publisher, the normally gun-shy Porcus comes out of the closet - kicking, clawing, scratching and screaming, "WTF!!!"
For some time now, the following notions have been gathering dust and cobwebs in the Porcus skull cavity, pretty much doing nothing but festering like an unlanced boil.
This stuff is not made up, but instead, is a compilation of observations and actual experiences, so before those most 'racist' and 'sexist' PIG slings and arrows come flying my way, consider that some of the following may have been experienced, witnessed or even thought of by you, too.
Some of the following examples have Porcus scratching his head. Some have Porcus laughing his ass off. Then there are some that just out and out piss Porcus off to no end.
But all of them, no doubt, have Porcus just saying, "WTF?!?"
Hang on to your hot dogs, as we venture forth into The Porcus Netherworld of Observations in Human Nature and Behavior.
WTF! Visual vandalism seems to be everywhere these days and it's gotten to the point where not many people raise an eyebrow over that eyesore called graffiti.
When a Mom-and Pop corner store get gang-tagged with illegible chicken scrawlings that only low-life gang bangers/taggers can understand, no one seems to care and not a peep can be heard.
Recently however, at an Agoura Hills high school outside of Los Angeles, a News Nit-Wit breaking non-story alert interrupted my TV viewing to inform almost all of Southern California that someone spray painted racial slurs on campus.
WTF! We all know the usual Educrats, News Nit-Wits and students alike are going to express (either sincere or manufactured) concern over what is now considered 'Hate Speech' or a 'Hate Crime' and the situation is Code: Red!
WTF! Breaking news? For a racial slur spray painted on a wall?
Initial reactions and blame regarding 'Hate Speech' usually go to Disgruntled Whitey, but in this particular case, it was suspected that a black student scrawled the racially charged slurs in order to get transferred to a school with a better basketball program.
My apologies for the digression and back to our story:
In my humble opinion when the News Nit-Wits focus is turned on 'kids being stupid kids' at school, and NOT the hard working, taxpaying Mom-and-Pop store getting tagged and defiled, that is the crime in the form of a shame by NOT reporting that story. Mom-and Pop not only have to clean up the mess, but also risk retaliation from the taggers themselves if they untag the taggers.
WTF! I seriously doubt that if someone got shot as a result of some twerps armed with spray cans intent on marking 'their' territory, that a story like that wouldn't get a nano-fraction of the air time an incident of a 'Hate Crime' on campus would get.
I guess some forms of graffiti (and who the victims are) are more deserving of attention than others, huh?
WTF! Why is it that for every Ted Nugent, Gary Sinese or Charlie Daniels for example, there are a hundred Sean Penn's, Danny Glover's and George Clooney's crawling out from under their rocks, flapping their lips and publicly hating America on the TV?
WTF! Ooops! I forgot. That's what the mute button is for.
WTF! Why is it that whenever a cop gets killed or dies, there's a mile long funeral procession, but you never see such an outpouring for the real unsung heroes of public servitude...Garbagemen!
Garbagemen? Why not garbagemen?
Day in and day out, these hearty souls go out in their trucks at the crack of dawn and pick up our discarded crap, only to be looked down upon.
WTF! Have you ever heard a kid brag about his dad, the garbage collector during a Show-and-Tell session, or a Take Daddy To Work Day at school?
We've all heard plenty of Barney Fife-like Cop & Donut jokes, but have you ever heard the one about the garbageman that walks into a bar and...
Didn't think so. We here at the Free State Of PIG, who make those garbagemen earn every nickel whenever they make their rounds through our trash, salute those that make their living haulin' trash.
Thanks, dudes. You probably won't get a fancy funeral procession, but we'll pause for a moment the next time one of your brethren kicks the dumpster.
WTF! Have you ever wanted to purge your social life and connections and be the one person EVERYONE avoids? It's easy. Just get involved in a Multi-Level Marketing (pyramid) scam.
Upon meeting someone for the very first time, simply shove your business card in their face announcing your latest, greatest money making MLM/Pyramid scam and explain, fast talk, how you, too can cash in on "instant" wealth peddling repackaged and recycled crap no one wants, needs or uses.
As you continue your pitch, make sure you ask the person/potential victim their name...AGAIN.
The few friends you may have had will now go out of their way to avoid you and your fast talking sales pitch in a quest to seperate you from your money and put a notch in their belt at the same time.
WTF! In my book, MLMers rate about the same as spammers and robo-callers and more than likely have crawled out from under the same rock.
WTF! Is it just me, or do we all have one of those days when you feel as if you have a target on your back and any/every idiot with a cell phone glued to their ears or behind the wheel is oblivious to you.
They walk in front of you, or even block you on the sidewalk. While in their car, cut right out in front of you, or tailgate you without a care in the world to the damage and possible injury they could have caused.
Sound familiar? Thought so.
WTF is one to do? Outside of bursting a major artery while trying to be patient, you can equip your ride to be idiot proof, ala The Deathmobile, complete with a bullhorn that warns and invites anyone/thing in it's path to "Get The F**k Out Of My Way," or suffer the consequences.
WTF! I already know it won't work, because as Ron White says, "You can't fix stupid."I say, that may be so, but one can have a lot of fun trying.
WTF! Now that the Vatican has selected Francis I from Agentina as Pope, I had a question.
Since Francis I is the first Pope from a Latin American country, will he pimp out the Pope Mobile to attract a wider, more diverse following?
Think of the gangs of Low Riders flocking to Sunday morning mass just to check out the Pope's new ride complete with hydraulics, spinning rims, chromed out chain link steering wheel, fuzzy dice and sexy mudflaps, you know, the whole enchilada for the homeboys.
WTF! I have no ax to grind with Francis I, in fact, with a pimped out Pope Mobile, he can probably build some bridges between gangstas.
WTF! If you've ever tuned in to watch any of the Law And Order shows, it's always a middle to upper middle class, sometime even rich white guy that gets caught and goes to prison.
Now, if the writers actually took a stroll down Reality Street, they would find that the actual minority in State prisons are...Shhhhhhhh...NOT WHITE!
Who da thunk! I guess I let the cat out the bag.
WTF! Are the writers and producers so burdened with white guilt that they defy reality and perhaps write episodes that reflect the way they think things should be on TV and within the justice system?
Or are they under pressure from Ethnocrat watchdog groups?
WTF! Why don't they get real and show how things really are, warts and all.
WTF! Here's proof that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and the crumb doesn't fall far from the stale crust on a dirty, corrupt floor.
WTF am I referring to? A family consisting of an extortionist, a thief, and a tax cheat.
The Thief: Former U.S. Representaive Je$$e (High Roller) Jackson, Jr. pleading guilty to numurous felony charges including conspiracy, fraud and misappropriation and funneling of campaign funds to the tune of $750,000 for frivolous, personal luxuries.
Facing up to 57 months in the joint, we'll be glad (yeah, right) to hear about his 'rehabilitation', and even happier that he won't be roaming the streets and picking pockets.
The Tax Cheat: What's even sweeter is that Je$$e Jr's. wife, $andra is also pleading guilty to filing numerous false tax returns and is also facing some quality time behind bars. Yay!
That's the good news. The bad news is that The Extortionist, Je$$e Sr. will be on the prowl to extort more bling from corporations to help pay for legal expensenes, so be on the lookout, especially if you're white, rich and successfull.
WTF! It just goes to show, it really is all in the family.
WTF! This one has me scratching my head, or what's left of it.
For those of us that have a pet pooch or pussy (CAT you pervs, PUSSY CAT, dammit!), we're all concerned about their diets and the food we buy them and stick in their food dishes,
I was just wondering, when we see those ads on TV stating how delicious the pet food they're peddling is, how would any human know how delicious it is? Do they, after a hard day doing some R&D on pet food taste and quality bring home a doggie bag (pun intended) full of pet food and share it with their family?
WTF! Just who deems this pet food 'delicious'? And, who ever makes claims that it is, would they feed it to their own family? Probably not.
WTF! Have you ever seen those youths with purple mohawk hairdo's, body piercings, tattoos and Goth looking wannabe 'Dark' looking clothes, complete with faggy looking skinny jeans?
Well, they're all over the place. But when asked why they do that, which they have every right to do, they always reply, "Hey, man, I'm just expressing my individuality."
Expressing their individuality when they and their posse all look so identical that no body can tell one from the other?
WTF! If they're all looking the same, following the latest fad with a herd mentality and going out of their way to act different just to get attention, listening to the same lame music because the other 'individuals' are expressing themselves the same way, that's far from expressing individuality, you can bet they think(?) the same.
It's no wonder some wannabe individuals that look like outcasts, weirdos and freaks get their lunch money stolen and get wedgies on a regular basis.
WTF! We've all heard the the term "Universal Health Care," right? Noble and nifty idea, on paper at least. In essence, it mandates that those that have, have to pay for the have-nots' health care provisions.
In a benevolent, charitable and generous society such as ours, most folks have no issue with offering a hand up to those in need. "Universal" health care on the other hand, dictates, no, forces against one's will to 'contribute' to those that feel entitled to the spoils of the 'Haves' in the form of giving the 'Have-Nots' anything from free condoms, abortions and even elective, cosmetic surgery.
WTF! That's not cool. For the government to force Peter to pay for Paul because Paul can't or won't provide for him/herself is absolute political and fiscal piracy.
Enough of that. Back to the term, 'Universal.'
What f**king 'Universe' are these sticky fingered lawmakers living in? Most mere mortals live on a planet, where gravity keeps two feet on the ground and their heads out of the clouds trying to take care of their own needs. But along comes Big Brother, Big Sister, Big Lib and Big Bro, forcing and jamming their Marxist, utopian ideals down John and Jane Q. Public's throat with the intention of extorting hard earned money out of them.
WTF! There is a show on TV called Man vs Food.The format is that the chubby host, Adam Richman, waddles into a local eatery and is challenged to eat gargantuan amounts of food within a certain time frame. If he wins and wipes his face with his sleeve in an act of gluttoney, he gets his name on the restaurants wall of fame, and probably a token T-Shirt, that says something to the effect that "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
His menu consists of anything from a 6 lb. steak dinner, complete with sides to 4 foot long sub sandwiches, overflowing with all kinds of artery clogging condiments. If you thought Linda Lovelace could go the whole nine
inches, I mean yards, this guy has her beat, hands down.
WTF! One just has to wonder, where the hell does this dude find the room to accomodate all those carbs and calories while pile driving food through his piehole and into a gastronomic and possible cardiac hell?
Then, it dawned on me. The host, like me, probably has a friend that has a distant cousin who scores him some high grade Black Lebonese or Brown Turkish hashish, or maybe even some way tasty marijuana, stolen from a guy named Spicoli, which, I've heard, will strongly increase one's appetite, thus enabling him to make a pig of himself and not give a shit.
WTF! This posting was just food for thought. Gotta go. I was invited to my neighbors, the Flintstones for an extra large Bronto Burger.
WTF! Hey! With all of this Mayan Calandar Doomsday/Apocolypse crap going on, and the Kool-Ade drinking idiots that are storming hardware and grocery shops for necessities and provisions, why aren't they making out a last will?
WTF! If they are so hell bent on some supersticious myth that the world will end on 12/21/2012, why don't these airheads make a donation to the Free State Of PIG?
Well, we here at PIG have a way to releive True Believers of the Mayan Myth of any and all material and real property.
It goes as such: We will set up a 501c or, offshore account non-profit organization that will accept any/all real property which would include homes, Ferrari's, Lamborghini's, Maserati's, jewelry, furs, stocks, bonds, hot mistresses, retirement funds, pensions, sound systems, personal entertainment centers, electric guitars, pianos,- (Baby Grand preferred), hand, power and table tools, camping equipment, and whatever else is in your attic or basement.
WTF! Before you think we are scam artists, all proceeds go to the Hambo and Porcus retirement fund.
We'll see you, or maybe not on 12/22/2012, suckers.
WTF! "Actor" Jamie Foxx really stepped in it with his recent comments about white people on Saturday Night Live.
For those who don’t recall, Foxx is the man who recently told us that we should “honor” our “lord and savior” Barack Obama.
“I’m dressed in all black, cause it’s good to be black. Black is the new white!” Foxx began in his opening monologue.
The really curious comments came soon after:
“I got a new movie coming out, Django, check it out…Django Unchained, I play a slave. How black is that? In the movie, I have to wear chains. How whack is that? But don’t be worried about it, because I get out [of] the chains, I save my wife, and I kill all the white people in the movie. How great is that? And how black is that?”
Hey Jamie, (by the way, Jamie is a girls name) have you ever thought about who signs your paychechecks, designs your pimped out Huggy-Bear looking clothes, your fancy imported sportscars, and of course the dumb-ass white women who are waaaay off my list, that you dump after a hot night.
Mr. Foxx, your idiotic and most RACIST comments are a disgrace to your GRANDMOTHER, who you claimed raised you.
For shame, you overpaid and overrated punk. I hope your Grandmother is turning in her grave and is experiencing buyers remorse over raising your sorry ass, punk.
Foxx, you suck in sooooooo many ways. If your whole identity is based upon a slave character, your media and PR people are forced to work overtime doing damage control. But hey, at least you showed your true colors, faggot.
As if we're going to take a paid clown seriously. Did I mention you suck, and I don't care what Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben's color you are, you still suck, nigga.
WTF! Don't even bother to ask why I took time out of my day to comment on this two-legged turd.
WTF! During the Christmas season, we all hear the term, "Peace on earth and goodwill toward men."
Nothing wrong with that. But imagine if people actually put that into action the other 364 days of the year. Crime rates would dwindle, and when that happens, a lot of tin stars, correctional officers and lawyers would be out of work.
WTF! We all know that isn't going to happen, but one can dream of less cops, prisons and especially lawyers. That's what I call Peace on Earth.
WTF! Have you ever seen those TV commercials advertising a product called Rosetta Stone?
Rosetta Stone is a language-learning product that makes learning a foreign language easy, and that's all fine.
My gripe is that in the TV commercials, they always showcase someone wanting to learn anything from Russian, French, German, Cantonese, etc.
WTF! What they don't show is some English-phobic border jumper saying "I want to learn English."
I guess if the folks over at Rosetta Stone showed Chuey and Guadalupe expressing a desire to learn English, saying, "Si.Si. We want to learn a de Engleeesh," they would be bombarded with lawsuits and protests from MALDEF, Aztlan and other Colonista types.
WTF! English for Chuey and Guadalupe? They don't need no stinkin' English
WTF! What's up with Asian women and the way they try to curse in English? Have you ever heard their feeble and funny attempt at trying to swear like a truck driver or sailor when they get madder than a wet hen? It's hilarious.
If you've ever been on the recieving end of one of their verbal tirades, it's worth the price of admission to watch and listen to them fumble with the English language in the form of profanity.
WTF! I always wondered, what's the first English phrase they learn after they roll off the jet upon entering the United States, after buying a new Mercedes or BMW, autos they simply can't drive is "I don't give damn shit!"
"I don't give damn shit?" What does that mean and who taught them to say that? My first inclination, after laughing is to want to help them swear in the correct, current vernacular, but then if I did, the comic effect would fade.
WTF! It's not just what they attempt to say, it's the way they say it that has me holding my gut in laughter as they make utter fools of themselves butchering the English language.
*Publishers Note: Sorry for inflicting the most hideous visual, but hey, it's my damn page and everything stated above is way beyond true. The image above does not represent all Asian women, or at least any I know of, right Hambo?
WTF! Maybe I'm in the dark about all this flap about Mitt Romney's comment about Big Bird and PBS, but Sesame Street and the PBS pirates in particular, and their media cohorts had to go and politicize a complete non-issue.
First, for example, the creators of Sesame Street are not going to go hungry over Mitt Romney's proposed funding cuts to the NEA, NPR and PBS.
Why? WTF! I'll explain.
PBS has made astronomical amounts of money through licensing, branding and retail agreements to market, sell and brand any characters from Kermit The Frog, Tickle Me Elmo toys and Big Bird.
The creators and network rake in tens of millions of dollars annually due to sales and licensing agreements and they still have their hand out for your money to support them, claiming that if PBS is going to get a federal funding cut, all of a sudden, taxpayers who are sick and tired of their taxes going into an over filled money pit - due to the profits and commercialization of Sesame Street characters are "The Bad Guys"
WTF! The real thieves are the profiteers who pocket money from Big Bird, Ernie and Bert, and Tickle Me Elmo toys, then plead poverty upon the public for donations to keep the show on the air.
WTF! Where the hell is Oscar The Grouch when you need him most?
WTF! Ever hear the expression, "I'm going to rip you a new a**hole?" Sure, we've all heard that before.
Well, with the upcoming Vice Presidential debate between Paul Ryan and Joe Biden, and the pundits are predicting a bulldozing on Ryan's part with a hands down victory, and rip Biden a new one.
WTF! How can anyone rip someone else a new one, when the one on target, in this case Biden, is a born A**hole?
WTF! Just wondering.
WTF! Who said Monday mornings suck? Just when you roll up your sleeves and are ready to do battle with any/all idiots that cross your path outside of your door, along comes some folks that actually make your day.
Example: This morning I stopped at my local bakery, the owner, a very attractive and alluring asian woman, gives me a free Danish with my usual order.
Then, while entering a local market, along comes a dude on a bicycle on the side walk heading straight for me. I yielded, was going to let him have the the right of way, but he stops, says "Thank You" and he further remarked that he owns a very expensive Audi and SUV, but chose to ride a bike, instead, due to rising gas prices and said, "Fuck the Arabs and OPEC."
That was a 'Right on and Amen' moment for yours truely.
To really make my day was when I went into the local market, got my stuff, one of which included a Fosters Lager beer, and the cutie behind the counter came really close to asking for my I.D.
I asked if she was serious about the I.D. thing, and she gave me a yes/no answer, and said she was just kidding.
I thanked her for her compliment, and went about my usual, chipper way.
WTF! Moral of the story? Don't ever underestimate the knowledge and friendliness of your neighbors, even when you wake up with a chip on your shoulder.
WTF! The News Nit-Wits, as usual, are in overkill mode after the Romney-Obama debate.
It seems as if Fox, CNN and other major broadcast news outlets are analyzing and dissecting the debate into the dirt.
WTF! Don't these Nit-Wits have other news to report other than repeat what Romney said, or what Obama's body language indicated time after time after time?
WTF! Talk about overkill and redundancy.
WTF! We get it. We saw it. We don't need to hear over paid, blow dried, talking heads talk about it 24 hours a day.
Thanks News Nit-Wits and dunces for insulting our intelligence by continually yammering on and on about the debate.
WTF! The Ecotards are out in full force in San Antonio, Texas due to the recent finding of a rare spider on a $15.1 million dollar highway project on Texas 151.
The spider, an endangered species known as a Braken Bat Cave Meshweaver, the Texas Department of Transportation was called in and confirmed that the spider was indeed rare.
Construction on the project was halted because a teeny weeny little spider, thus, causing much frustration with commuters that used that particular route, not to mention everyone who was working on the project.
WTF! If these eco skidmarks care sooooo much about a damn, Braken Bat Cave Meshweaver spider, WTF, why don't they simply pick the little creature up, get the Boy Wonder and give it a ride home to the Bat Cave?
WTF! Most people like to squash spiders out of fear. In this case, I'm more afraid of the Eco Weenies. They need the squashing.
WTF! The recent passing of world class act and singer, Andy Williams has left a void in many peoples' hearts. Many people have fond memories of his great voice especially his signature songs, Moon River and Born Free.
The WTF issue is nothing against Andy Williams, but the person, Henry Mancini that co-wrote Moon River.
One of the lyrics is ..."Huckleberry friend."
WTF is a huckleberry, and WTF is a Huckleberry Friend?
Sorry Andy, just wonderin'and yes, I do have too much time on my hands.
WTF! The following clip is a day in the life of Porcus and why I hate computers, geeks, dweebs, nerds and why I'm a total techno doof.
WTF! Before you laugh at me, watch the clip and ask yourself honestly if you've been there and done that.
And if any of you run across a dude named Hambo, ask him if the clip applies to me. He'll tell you it's true.
>>> Angst >>>
WTF! Maybe the French are finally on to something with the publication of this cartoon.
It depicts a Jewish dude escorting his Muslim pal, somewhere, anywhere.
I don't know what the caption says, as it is written in French, but the picture says it all, all by itself.
But the rioting rats across the planet will probably use this as an excuse to ply their trade with more murders, looting, burning of embassies and now, instead of burning American flags, French flags.
With that, I say to the French, welcome to our world and I'll concede that this cartoonist just did his countrymen some great P.R. work with his little scribbling.
WTF! I'll say it, Viva La France!
WTF! Can anyone please explain WTF is the fascination when there's a birth of a Chinese Panda bear?
Sure. They look cute and cuddly and some people just want to take them home, give them love and affection.
That's very humane, but, so many numbnuts don't realize that Panda bears are just that. They are bears.
The cute and cuddly stuff stops when some idiot visits the Panda on exhibition and gets a nifty idea that he/she can stick their finger in the Panda's face and expect warm fuzzies from the bear from a little nose tickle to the bear.
WTF! That's one of those 'Looks good on paper' ideas, but really doesn't work too well with the bear. See, bears really like stupid people - especially for lunch - and they see dumb asses as a picnic basket.
WTF! If you really want to play with a Panda bear, go get a stuffed bear, and if you like your fingers, don't stick them in a bears face.
Also, if you really like bears, consider an American bear. After all, we've got enough Made In China crap floating around here.
WTF! Do any of you hear the sounds of crickets echoing across our fruited plains emanating from the Half-White/Kenyan/Indosian/Hawaiian White House?
That sound is due to the pussies in charge not doing a God damned thing about what's happening globaly to our fellow Americans and allies.
WTF! How stupid of me. We need Punk-Ass In Charge to apologize and forgive the actions of his homeboys for killing our folks and burning our flags on foreign soil, right?
We also need to roll over and play dead too, huh, Mr. Messiah?
WRONG! The last thing we need is a nadless wimp that sits on his ass or spends quality time in front of a mirror admiring himself and patting himself on the back as Americans are in harms way.
WTF! Since you, Mr. Barry and your co-conspirators won't lift a finger in the current situation, We The People here in the PIGdom will lift a finger just for you.
Guess which finger, smartypants, and we know where you can stick it.
WTF! Why is it that whenever there's a 'Pro-Immigrant'- code for 'Pro-Illegal' rally or protest - the usual mantra is, "Without us, who's going to pick your fruit and vegetables? Who's going to cut your grass, clean your house and care for your kids?"
I've got an issue with that type of statement.
So, the illegals REALLY come here with strictly altruistic motives? To pick my fruits and vegetables? And they REALLY come here ILLEGALLY because they really DO care about my lawn and my kid?
How sweet! Those illegals are so charitable. Willing to risk their lives - JUST FOR ME - and work for almost nothing because THEY care about us 'lazy' Americans.
WTF! I can't speak for anyone but myself, but around our humble home, WE take care of our own lawn, garden, and domestic services like cooking, cleaning and looking after our own. Even if I had a palatial manor and was hemmorhaging money, I sure as hell wouldn't hire illegals to come near my home.
Oh, WTF! I am a softie at heart. I really do appreciate the gesture of illegals risking their lives to care for and piss in my rosebushes, spit in my food, and what the heck, maybe spread a disease or two in my own home, for pay.
On their day off, they then take to the streets and bite the hands that feed them by demonizing Americans and legal residents for not wanting to care for them, their kids, goats, roosters, etc., with American freebies and other imaginary 'entitlements.'
Gracious and adios my most benevolent border jumpers. We do appreciate your concern, though.
WTF! Today, August 7th is National Night Out Against Crime. Here in Porcusville, the following was posted on my local community website:
The XXXXXXXX Police Department will celebrate its 29th Annual “National Night Out Against Crime” event on Tuesday, August 7 from 5:30 p.m. to 9 p.m. The event will be located in the Village Bus Transit Plaza (the Village) on XXXXXXXX Avenue north of Foothill.
The entire community is invited to enjoy free hot dogs, have their children fingerprinted and take part in a cupcake walk, meet McGruff the Crime Fighting Dog, play games, listen to music and much more.
Residents throughout XXXXXXXX and across the nation are asked to turn on their porch lights, lock their doors, and spend the evening outside with neighbors and law enforcement to help build stronger police-partnerships and neighborhood unity for safer communities.
National Night Out is designed to heighten crime and drug prevention awareness; generate support for and participation in local anticrime programs, strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships.
WTF! How dumb is that? Leaving your lights on and go out and rub elbows with the local Tin Stars? That may sound all warm and fuzzie, but while you're out of your house, with your lights left on sounds like an invitation for all the local meanies that are also aware of National Night Out and casing your house.
WTF! Might as well leave the damn door WIDE open with some lemonade and cookies for your unwanted 'guests' as they help themselves to your belongings, and laughing all the way out of town.
Shit, I almost forgot. McGruff The Crime Dog will be right around the corner to' help take a bite out of crime,' after the fact, of course.
WTF! Why is it that the older I get, the type size on anything from ceral box info and medication labels to sports scores and crossword puzzles in my fishwrap seems to get smaller and smaller?
Hell, I damn near need either the eyes of a hawk or a hubble telescope to read simple things.
WTF! They might as well put it in Braille.
WTF! We've all seen those hard news stories where someone claims to have seen an image of Jesus in the bark of a tree and people come from all over to get a glimpse, take pictures, worchip, etc.
These are not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill Jesus sightings (or hallucinations.)
See, Jesus is everywhere and really does get around.
Here are some examples:
Toast. This One Actually Sold On E-Bay
Dogs Rear End
WTF! These types of sightings occur quite often and I thought why not get enterprising and capitalize on the situation and sell concessions from a taco cart in order to help feed the masses?
It's a win-win propostion. Jesus would feed his flock AND bless me with a way to pick up a few bucks, in His name.
Now, I have to believe that is what Jesus would do.
WTF! When our current Pirate-In- Cheif finally leaves the White House, and has to look for a place to shack up, Porcus suggests his old stomping grounds, Kenya.
In Kenya, he will probably be given what he thinks is his just due, to be treated as a real Messiah. Since he's been there before, technically his return would literally be the second coming of The Chosen one.
No doubt he will be pampered and serenaded by the unsuspecting locals who will bow down in awe just by his mere presence.
That treatment probably wouldn't last too long. The Kenyans will catch on to his scandalous ways in no time.
All that said, for once a white man can tell a black, oops, half black man to "GO BACK TO AFRICA!" without being called a racist.
WTF! I wanna be the first in line to tell him so. Hell, maybe even give him and Moochelle a ride to the airport, too.
WTF! With all of the mass murder shootings in Colorado since Columbine, and most recently early this morning at a theater showing The Dark Knight Rises, why doesn't Colorado simply change their State Motto to "Just Shoot Me?"
WTF! On a related side note to the shooting, Porcus has the following predictions:
1) All cinemas playing The Dark Knight Rises will have TSA style security goons posted outside of the theaters shaking down little kids and stealing their popcorn in the process.
2) The Shyster Scum are no doubt already drafting papers to bring Warner (Deep Pockets) Brothers to court to sue their pants off for inspiring and instigating violence.
WTF! Why is it that whenever a TV show conducts a 'Man On The Street' interview, asking 3rd grade level questions, 4 out 5 people can't answer elemenary school type questions?
Interviewer: Hi, I'm Jay Leno from the Tonight Show. Can I ask you a few questions?
Unsuspecting Dolt: Sure, Jay.
Interviewer: Great! What's your name and what do you do?
Unsuspecting Dolt: I'm Candi and I teach 6th grade school.
Interviewer: Great. Tell me,
what year was the Declaration Of Independence signed?
Unsuspecting Dolt: Well, ah, um, I think it was 1964.
Interviewer: OK, then. Well, what was Lindsey Lohan wearing at her very first court hearing several years ago?
Unsuspecting Dolt: Oh, wait! Oh my God, I know this! It was a lavender designer blouse with....
WTF! So-called 'educators' (?) don't know 3rd grade basics, but can tell you what the lastest flavor-of-the-month Pop Tart had for dinner and who her date was 3 years ago at Spagos.
Just consider. You leave your kids in their charge for 8 hours a day getting a less than sub-par 'education.'
WTF! Did I just say WTF! Well I'll say it again. WTF!!!!
If anyone can find the United States Constitution, please do the following regarding the retarded Obama Care Confiscation Plan:
1) Walk into your local Congress Punks office and remind them about We The People and show them a copy of the Constitution and remind them who pays their handsome salaries and perks.
2) Email it to ALL branches of government. The House, Senate, the turds occupying the White House, and let's not forget the Sub-Supreme Sellout Court and if you really have a set of cast irons, the IRS.
We The PIGsters are in no way activists, but this one has Hambo cleaning Old Betsy. We don't want that now, do we?
WTF! This Obama Scam is going to take food off of hard working peoples' tables and money out of their banks to pay for...Whatever The Fuck the Sellouts want to do with it, including free medical for illegals, welfare cases, idlers, slackers, condoms, abortions, etc.
WTF! Is Porcus pissed? Aw, shucks no. I can just feel the warm fuzzies, rainbows and gummie bears from here at The Free State Of PIG...NOT! I don't know what way beyond pissed off is, but I suppose I'm in that mode.
See you at the trial.
WTF! Panderer-In Chief addressed the Lamestream Media by announcing that he would not deport children of illegal border jumpers under certain provisions.
That's just opening the door for more of the uninvited to storm the floodgates, and for the Panderer to gain the Hispanic vote in an election year.
But, during The Messiah's speech, someone...gasped, heckled him.
WTF! The nerve of someone to dare interrupt The Messiah's sermon with a pertinent question/statement.
Here's a partial transcript of what happened between the heckler, my new hero, and The Chief Jerk-Off-In-Charge:
In what may be a first for the White House Rose Garden, President Obama was heckled by a reporter during his speech on immigration Friday.
Obama made the speech hours after his administration announced that the U.S. would stop deporting some young illegal immigrants.
The heckler, who challenged the president about how unemployed Americans could be affected, visibly upset the president, who said: "This is the right thing to do for the American people."
When interrupted by the heckler again, Obama got heated, saying: "It's not time for questions, not while I'm speaking," and "I didn't ask for an argument."
Before walking out of the Rose Garden, the heckler yelled out that he was an immigrant himself.
According to Talking Points Memo's Brian Beutler, the heckler has identified himself as Neil Munro, a White House reporter at the conservative news site the Daily Caller.
WTF! The Free State Of PIG can be about solutions, once in a while. If The One gets his way by overstepping our system of checks and balances and The Constitution, which he usually does, here's what the Keeper Of The Fork proposes.
Number One: He and the spawn of illegal border jumpers are probably going to get their way. We'll concede that.
Number Two: Here's where this gets PIGish. Assuming that the children of illegals are granted immunity via Obama, we suggest that since they and their parents soaked Americans under false pretenses, well here's the deal.
You stay here but serve our country AND turn in your parents and have them D-F**KING ported. That's right. Be an El Rato and snitch on them. If not, get out and join your parents at the back of the legal line to get back into America.
WTF! Why is it that rock stars and Lilo types flaunt their celebrity in courts of law, while the rest of us have to assume the position for merely spitting on the sidewalk?
Take for example the image of that Rolls Royce in a hotel swimming pool.
Keith Moon, the late, great, lunatic drummer for The Who, took it upon himself to take that fine ride (pictured) for a little swim.
Well, apparently he didn't go to jail for this most creative, drug and alcohol induced antic, but the band had to shell out $50,000 for damages and restitution. Basically, a slap on the wrist.
WTF! I guess money talks, if you have it. When I was a kid, my goal in life was to "Get money for nothing, and chicks for free" and habitually drive Rolls Royces into hotel swimming pools and trash the hotel rooms with cherry bombs, dynamite and tossing TVs out of windows. But Moon The Loon beat me to it and shattered my boyhood dream.
Damn. Where did I go wrong?
WTF! Hey Lilo. Take a pointer from the master of mischeif, Keith Moon and his antics. If you're going to screw up, be creative and do something unique, funny, epic and original, AND get away with it., unlike the rest of us that have to eat cake, pay fines and do time.
For an example of pyrotechnics going way wrong and decadent behavior on national TV courtesy of Keith Moon, but funny as all hell, click below.
>>> Smothers Brothers The Who >>>
WTF! Why is it, that when a woman can break off a romantic relationship, and end it with the phrase, "But we can still be friends, right?" but the dude is spotted the next day with a new hottie, by his new "friend."
WTF. So called "Friend' is furious that dude found a replacement so fast.
Wanna know how to really scald your new "friends" skillet?
Want some real revenge? Let her see you with her best girlfriend with your arms around her.
Your new "friend" will no doubt get in your face with a "How dare you! So soon?"
WTF! Simply reply to your ex-girlfiend, new "friend" that she made you a free agent and say, "How ya like me now, friend?"
WTF! There is no such thing as "Too soon" when it comes to breakups. Your new "friend" has probably been banging the pool boy way before the breakup.
WTF! What's up with these vegan cretins? It's one thing to improve one's dietary habits by eating more fruits and vegetables on a daily basis.
No issue there. But when these pasty skinned, grass, leaf and alfalfa sprout eating wimps get in your face about eating meat or any other living creature get in your face for eating a hot, juicy steak, just look, laugh and cut into that prime rib, New York cut of beef, pork chop or hamburger, wipe that sauce off of your mouth with your sleeve, and hand them and IDGAS card, and ask for second helpings.
WTF! Why don't people call me when pictures like these are taken?
I just happened to be in the market for a new set of pillows, and then she shows up.
Right size, right comfort, and by virtue of me asking Mrs. Porcus if I can have her and her equipment for a birthday gift, my soldiers were taken away and put in a dark hiding place.
WTF! Can't have it all, huh fellas?
Double D damn!
Me and my fellas will be out of the dog house in a while.
WTF! If this doesn't toast your tacos, I don't know what will.
Normally, this would go in PIGs Colonista section, but I thought taxpaying Americans ought to know where their money is going.
Apparently, the IRS is not only issuing huge tax refunds to Illegals, but also turning a blind eye as they freely pass out LOTS of Obama's freshly printed and minted Benjamins to ILLEGALS that are claiming dependents in Mexico.
WTF! Did I use the term 'Illegal?' Shame on me. PIGs Staff reminded me that the term 'Illegal' is not proper, and I should refer to them as Disease Ridden Border Jumping Scumbags.
I say that term is more like it, and tough tamales for those that think otherwise.
If you want to follow the money trail, click the link below, and hold on to your huevos and cojones while watching.
WTF! Ads Gone Wild! PR stunts and ad campaigns that create 'controversy' and backfire always seem to be followed up with feeble and fumbling apology tours, and sometimes more money in the bank.
Recent case in point. An ad created by Belvedere Vodka that was posted on Facebook and Twitter depicting a young horndog trying to have his way by supplying a young woman with more than enough vodka for him to get 'some.'
Naturally, the ad incurred the wrath of the usual No-Nadsters, who are up in hairy armpits over the ad which may or may not imply an act of rape or sexual assault, AND may or may not be a calculated risk on the part of Belvedere Vodka to garner publicity and outrage.
Sure, the Belvedere execs probably had the whole campaign all mapped out.
First, create and post an attention getting ad that is sure to generate publicity.
Next, approach microphones and cameras in a groveling manner with a prefabricated apology in hand, explaing that you've been naughty and this will never happen again, and oh, here's a sizable donation for whomever was offended by our hijinx. The monetary 'donation' translated usually means STFU and go away.
Finally, head for the Board Room and slap each other on the back, all the way to the bank for pulling off a successful PR stunt.
WTF! Far be it for me to advocate rape or sexual assault, but the use of alcohol has been used to get folks, (that's right, men AND women) loose since the dawn of time, so what's the big deal about advertising the effects of overindulging? As a matter of fact, those shrill No-Nadniks ought to thank Belvedere Vodka for shedding light on the consequences of 'overdoing' it and having those 'morning after' regrets.
WTF! Whatever happened to the old saying, "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker?"
WTF! On a lighter, more PIGish note, while Googling info about the Belvedere Vodka 'controversy', I ran across this WTF! type of ad for Burger King's New Super Seven Incher ad.
Since I'm on the subject of Ads Gone Wild! I figured, WTF!, this one is just too good not to post.
The ad was part of an outdoor billboard campaign in Singapore.
You're a total 'Tard if you don't know what this suggests, visually. But if that isn't enough, the ad copy in the lower right corner reads like something out of a Penthouse Forum submission:
"Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A1 Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce."
WTF! Seven inches and some sauce? Is that ALL she gets? Crap, if you gave her enough Belvedere Vodka, well, I'll bet she can take...never mind, and get your heads out of the sewer.
WTF does any of this have to do with anything? It has a lot to do with the Golden Rule of advertising. Sex sells. Period. Add some controversy into the mix, be willing to offer up a 'sincere' apology, and you've got yourself and your product some publicity, negative or otherwise.
WTF! Here's how much I care today...
WTF! A certain Ethnocrat persuasion takes issue to the term 'Boy.' Well, no grown man likes to be called a boy, white, black, brown or otherwise.
Like I said, no grown man, regardless of color.
WTF am I rambling on about? Well, how about grown men of any persusion that have job descriptions that include the word 'boy?'
Bat Boy, etc.
Do we now call them Bus Man, Towel Man, or even Bat Man?
WTF! How about terms like Whipping Boy or Atta Boy?
WTF! What about the term 'Boy' when it comes to white men? It seems to be not just politically correct, but socially acceptable (and hypocritical) for some to refer to grown white men as 'white boys' regardless of their age and get a free pass when tossing that term around and also because of their color, 'history' or ethnicity.
WTF! I'de really like to know what the age limit is, when a 'white boy' becomes a white man?
WTF! Just wondering.
WTF! Why is it, then when a little old lady gets murdered, or a minor gets kidnapped, raped and murdered and found in a ditch, or even worse, a little innocent kid catches a bullet as a result of a drive by shooting, that catches little attention? But when a cop catches one in the line of duty, eats hot lead, every law enforcement agency from the Texas Rangers to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police drop all other cases to catch a cop killer.
I thought cops were dedicated to serving the public and were aware of the occupational hazards, including death or disability.
And, when a memorial service is performed, every available cop from coast to coast shows up with dress uniforms and all the pomp and circumstance is rolled out, at taxpayers expense, of course.
WTF makes a sworn officer more special than the public they are sworn to "Protect and Serve?"
Next time I see a cop, I'll ask and let the PIGdom know what the Tin Star's response is, after I recover from the black and blue marks I'm sure to recieve.
WTF! What ever happened to cool names for cars?
Am I the only one to notice that the names of certain models of cars went panty-waist?
Limp wristed names like Leaf, Prius, Sonata, Genesis, Alero, Volt, Accord, have replaced the good old American names of real muscle cars like Cobra, Mustang, Barracuda, Challenger, Bearcat, Stingray, Cherokee, Thunderbird, Cougar, etc.
Those cars had the huevos and horsepower to haul ass and their makers didn't give a double carb or cracked engine block about toxic emissions.
Shit, even the Italians have cool names for their cars like a Diablo or Testarossa.
Those are all cars that also had automitive nads, too.
WTF! I guess by altering names and manufacturing hybrids, that's Madison Avenues' and the automotive industry's way of caving in to the Greenies and Eco-Punk Terrorists as a way of selling warm-fuzzies and I just wonder, when are they going to really wimp out and call the newest automotive sensation, something like the Pink Fairy, the Gummy Bear, the Unicorn, Easter Bunny or wait, how about the Rainbow, all Al Gore approved.
WTF next, are we going to resort to four roller skate wheels on a plywood board to get from point A to point B?
WTF! The following are some random WTF!-isms:
WTF! Most cities and towns have ordinances for people that walk their dogs to clean up the dogs' steaming loads and leavin's. That's fine and being a good citizen if you clean up after your pooch. But what if Fido or Fifi just take a squirt, is the dog walker expected to suck the dogs liquid leavin's with a straw?
WTF! What's up with term, "The Four Corners Of The Earth?" Last I checked, and I do recall my geometry and astronomy, that the earth is a sphere, which is round and therefore has no corners or squared sides, angles or edges. Chris "Wrong Way" Columbus proved it.
WTF! Why is it that a dude will spend years and lots of dollars to trick out, customize and/or restore a vintage auto or motorcycle only to warehouse it and only take it out to those "Hey, Look At My Rod" cars shows once a year to show off to other like minded "Hey, Look At My Rod" Weekend Warriors?
Small Penis Syndrome? You be the judge.
Again, just wondering.
WTF! More dude stuff. What the hell is up with some guys that absolutely must, no, GOTTA have, 5 Skil saws, 3 drill presses, 10 tool boxes, 4 power drill/drivers, an anal retentive, catagorized filing system for every screw, nut, bolt and washer that in all likelyhood, they'll never use?
I'm surpised that a 12 step group hasn't emerged to deal with dudes that feel the need to not just keep up with the neighbor's tool collection, but one-up every other dude on the block, but hoarding every tool in sight.
My diagnosis, Very Small Tool Syndrome - Ladies, you know what I mean.
Hey, I'm just wondering, but on a sidenote, those dudes come in handy when you need to borrow a tool or battery charger or paint brush.
WTF! Ladies, you're not off the hook, either. You know you practice the art of deception every time you purchase a push-up, cleaveage revealing bra, extra skin tight pants, Botox treatments, breast enhancement surgery, hit the makeup counter, go to tanning salons and all that other superficial shit, then hit the town for a night out in hopes of getting your claws into "Mr. Right," take him home, only to wake up the next morning finding him long gone, leaving you with only the pool boy.
You wonder, why did he leave?
He probably woke up with a hangover, took one look at you without all the warpaint, and your skidmarked panties, padded bra and gathered his gear and tiptoed right out the back door, never to be seen again. And guess what? He probably gave you a fake name because with all that fake shit you use to enhance your goodies, he probably read you like a book.
Question to female prowlers: I was wondering, WTF, why waste time and money enhacing yourselfand pretending to be something you are obviously not, when you can simply be yourself and present the real package to Mr. Right?
Once again, just wondering.
WTF! Now, in case you're just wondering just how much spare time Porcus has on his hands to dwell on the previous trivial postings?
Pssst. I'll tell you. TOO MUCH!
DEMOLITION DERBY: JAPANE$E STYLE
WTF! We’ve all heard the jokes and stereotypes about Asian drivers, you know, like how do you blind an Asian? Simple, put them behind a windshield.
The following nails that stereotype on the head and hits it out of the park.
On Sunday, December 4th in Yamaguchi Prefecture, Japan a convoy of exotic, high end and high priced European automobiles met their doom in a pileup which included eight, that’s right, EIGHT Ferraris, a Lamborghini, three Mercedes Benz’s, and a couple of rice burning Toyotas were involved.
Apparently, some dolt went Kamikaze on the expressway by trying to pass another car, hit the median and spun out, causing the members of the convoy to crash while trying to avoid the chaos
WTF! Trying to pass and overtake a convoy of Ferrari’s, Lamborghini’s and Mercedes’ is one dumb ass move. I’d like to know who gave the keys to the idiot who initiated the pileup.
Here in America, we have NASCAR, but in Japan, they ought to have JACCAR: Japanese Association of Car Crashing Asshats and Retards. Smashing one Ferrari is bad enough, but EIGHT, is a tragedy, equivalent to pissing and puking on the Mona Lisa.
WTF! If Enzo Ferrari knew that his handmade creations would end up in the hands of CERTAIN PEOPLE that can’t even park a bicycle, he would have never allowed them in the hands of wreckless drivers that have no appreciation for automotive and artistic excellence.
As far as the Godzilla of Sunday drivers that caused the pileup, I would go Samurai on him by sending him to his room with no rice, sake, sushi or car keys…for life.
WTF! If you're tired of society's precious, protected 'people of color' and other self-proclaimed victim-hood dwellers blaming all of their ills on Whitey, you're not alone.
Let's take the two Homeys, pictured below, as an example and analyze the attitudes that seem to still be prevalent among certain 'communities' and sub-cultures.
WTF! These two poster boys are claiming that they can't get a job because the White man is holding them back. I disagree. The Bloods and Crips are always recruiting clowns with pants down to their knees.
WTF! When the Gangsta thing runs it's course in the form of a felony conviction AND a 5-7 year graybar guest, The Man will have no problems finding Homeboys like these some kind of prison job like making license plates or making little rocks out of big rocks on a chain gang.
WTF! Good honest, character building work, too.
WTF! Quit blaming Whitey for your socio-economic plight. Quit blaming The Man because you don't have the necessary or marketable skills needed to function in todays workplace.
WTF! When you have a 'You owe me' attitude, and dress like a circus clown, nobody, and I don't care what color they are, will take you seriously, except maybe, just maybe Je$$e Jack$on or Al $harton.
WTF! So-called people like you be illin'
Yo! Peace. Out. I got's to go to my monthly Conspiracy Club meeting. This months topic: STFU!
WTF! We've all seen those online dating services catering to certain demographics advertised on TV.
They've got dating sites for those over 50.
They advertise dating sites for Christians, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, Cougars, MILFs, and even Gays, Lesbians and He/Shes. (Note: Not one exclusively for Whitey).
All that's fine and dandy, but what about those that are really hard up and just don't fit into any of the previously mentioned categories?
What about a hook up site for society's real misfits and unorthodox outcasts? You know, convicted felons, mental defects, lametards, those with certain fetishes, Punk, Heavy Metal and Goth types, Rednecks, Hillbillies, inbreds, spaztics, and even PIGsters all have needs too.
Now gosh darn it, it's high time society in general took note and catered to these lonely hearts, too.
WTF! If anyone with an entrepeneurial bone in his/her body, they would tap into those sub-cultures and make a few bucks in the process.
WTF! Burning question time. Why is it, that when I watch a Looney Tunes cartoon - and yes, I'm a grown man that still enjoys his Toon Time - that the Acme Company could send Wiley E. Coyote anvils, high powered sling shots and other 'Don't try this at home' stuff, but he could never catch that punk-ass, beep beep Roadrunner?
Better yet, how did Tweety Bird magically whip out a stick of dynamite and book of matches to toss to Sylvester The Cat?
What about Foghorn Leghorn, who, frequently tied his dog nemesis to skyrockets, lit the fuse and sent the poor dog into the next county?
WTF! How come Daffy Duck can get his hands on a combination of nitro glycerine and gun powder, complete with a lit match and make things really go boom?
The burning, WTF question is, why do they get to play with the neat stuff, while regular slobs like me get stuck with lawn mowers, shovels and computers?
WTF! Pass me an Acme anvil. I'll drop it on my own head...again.
WTF! Ever see a Rufus, LeRoy or Ray-Ray walk down the street with 10 pounds of fake gold bling with an NHL jersey on?
I have, and it's an oxymoron in action. Blacks generally don't play or watch ice hockey, so I don't know why some high profile rappers wear white man's sports gear.
Wait! I just had a stop the presses revelation!
Because any rapper named like One-Pac, P-Piddle or Ice Water wear one, all of a sudden it's a fashion statement and influencing young wannabees.
How insensitive of me. These youngsters need...wait, I just got a mental bitch slap.
Rufus, LeRoy and Ray-Ray couldn't tell the difference between a hockey puck and a job application, so, whats up you poser bros?
I'll wait for the hate mail on this one and face off with them.
WTF! Holy Jumping Jehovah!
We all get those monthly slickly produced community coupon and advertising rags in our mailbox from local merchants.
Here in the Porcus McPreacher War Room, we actually take advantage of a night out or a free car wash as a result of the coupons from time to time.
All good. All fine.But, this month, a local church came up with perhaps the most ridiculous advertising or PR campaign ever, published and mailed to my friends and nieghbors.
Before I comment further, simply examine the ad below.
Done laughing...yet? I'm not, and probably won't for quite a while.
WTF! Coupons for Christ? Wow! I had no clue that redeeming a coupon at a church would get me past The Pearly gates.
I guess I've been behaving like a blasphlemous buffoon by not realizing and feeling guilty for not opening my wallet and checkbook and redeeming coupons would guarantee my eternal salvation.
When Jesus $$$aves, who scores? The ka-ching church.
WTF! Talk about flagrant and funny Elmer Gantry-ism.
Seriously, please pray for me that I don't bust a major artery and die from laughter, because, according to this particular church's ad campaign, I just may need that cheesy and tasteless coupon.
Take care. God Bless, and use your own damn coupons to get to the promised land of your choice.
WTF! Have you ever,and I mean EVER had some some asshole, disguised as a mild mannered old lady approach you while your walking your dog when she/it/whatever claims SHE is afraid of dogs, with her hands on her hips declaring the sidewalk was her territory?
First, how the hell would I even know or care about the old miserable bat's fears and phobia's about dogs.
Second. If the old hag was really afraid of dogs, she had ample time and distance to cross the street instead of walking right up to me and my little pooch, with her hand on her hips, declaring my dog was causing her fear.
Third, I'm supposed to read the minds of every pedestrian that has a fear of dogs and dares to share the sidewalk with me, and sticks her stinky finger in my face?
Wow! Had I known that the Old Sack Of Crap's hypersensitivities superceded my right to walk down the street with my dog, well, I sure would have yielded rights to that soggy old, miserable sack..with a thick wad of spit.
WTF! Talk about someone that was in need of a flea bath. What if I had happened to be walking my pet Puerto Rican, or Pollack? Not that I have one, yet, but would she have had the same sanctimonious attitude?
WTF! Ever notice some of those early morning News-Babe Weather Girls and the way they dress...AT 5:00 AM?!?
I don't know where you live or what TV market you're in, but here in Southern Mexifornia, these 'Weather' girls look and dress more like teenage tramps than so-called professionals.
WTF! With their Hoochie-Mamma skin-tight mini skirts, five inch fuck-me stiletto pumps, hoop earrings, and caked on make up and their ultra-sheen lip gloss, when doing their weather reports at 5:00 AM, they don't look like their going out, they look like they've been out...all night, and the cat dragged them from a back alley to their assigned broadcast studio.
WTF! I'm far from prude and their's nothing wrong with waking up to some eye candy while getting the local weather, and I'm so used to the way they look, but I just have to wonder, WTF do these too-easy tramps and trollops smell like?
|Homophobia? If you're afraid of or intimidated by this spectacle, maybe you're gayer than they are.
WTF! Why is it that a person that merely disagrees with, makes fun of, or doesn't particulary care for homosexuals or the homosexual lifestyle is unfairly labeled a "Hater," or more specifically, a "Homophobic?"
Let's crack open our dictionaries and dissect the newly coined and very politically correct, but mislabeled term, 'Homophobia.'
Before we begin, I'll sidetrack for a moment and cite the late, great comedian and master of misnomers and oxymorons, George Carlin for some examples of language butchery:
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence - the words don't go together, man."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
Get the picture? Good. Now get back to the term in question, 'Homophobia.'
Homophobia - n. Irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals.
Let's get really anal (pun intended), and pick this term apart.
Homo- prefix. Same; Like: homophone. [Latin < Greek< homos, same]
I know. I know. In the context of contemporary vernacular, the prefix -homo refers to a sexual flavor, ala GLAAD-BAGs (Gay and Lesbian Alliance of Annoying Dykes Boys And Alleged Girls*. *Alleged Girls covers, bi, tri, quadra, poly and transsexuals, plus crossdressers.)
Phobia- suffix. An intense, abnormal, or illogical FEAR of a specified thing. [Latin < Greek < phobos, fear.]
Hence, we get Homo-Phobia, and taken literally would come to mean 'An irrational FEAR of the same.' In this case, it would mean 'An irrational FEAR of the homosexuals.'
The operative word here is fear, not hate, dislike or discrimination.
WTF! I can't speak for anyone but myself, but homosexuals don't exactly strike fear into my bones. On Gay Pride Parade Day, I'm actually very amused at grown men men prancing up and down the street dressed in drag or leather diapers, and just because an individual doesn't care for that lifestyle, does not make them, or me a hater of homos.
WTF! Since the term 'Homophobia' has crept into and has become an acceptable part of our vocabulary, we here at PIG can introduce a term of our own, 'Heterophobia.'
Heterophobia n. An irrational fear or hatred on the part of homosexuals toward heterosexuals.
Example of Heterophobia: "Hey Bruce, did you see those breeders* holding hands? Absolutely disgusting!"
*Breeders: A term used by Heterophobes to describe a heterosexual.
WTF! So now you see? Language swings both ways, and the next time, if ever, a GLAAD-BAGger calls you a Homophobe simply because you laughed at, or disagreed with them, tell them to either bend over or open wide as you gag them with the term, Heterophobic.
WTF! Why is it that every time I quit drinking, the price of my favorite beer seems to go down? Or even still, when I decide to go on a health food binge, pizza prices from coast to coast plummet? Are the breweries and pizza peddlers losing stock value because I'm not buying their products and they have to make up for their massive losses by lowering their prices?
It never fails, too, and maybe some of you have had the same experience. You drink your last brew, eat that last slice and decide to kick some unhealthy habits. You then look in the Sunday fishwrap coupon and supermarket insert and supplement section, and lo and behold, that case of beer that cost $15.00 last week, is now on sale for half price.
Same goes with pizza, for example. Your neighborhood pizzeria is now offering the same pizza you ordered just last week on a two for one basis.
WTF! Talk about torture and temptation. It's almost as if THEY know, and will do anything to get your business back.
In the words of Lloyd Bridges in Airplane!, "I guess I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."
That always seems to be the case with me.
WTF! It's correction time.
I dropped the ball in my previous posting regarding foreign born English speakers with thick accents as opposed to American born Ebonic speakers that sound like the Mushmouth character from the old Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids cartoon that seem to speak in a language and vernacular only a select few can understand.
Well, it was brought to my attention, and rightfully so, that I neglected to make mention of certain rustics, rubes and banjo toting inbreds of the Billy Joe Jim Bob Bo and Luke Duke persuasion (rednecks and hillbillies) that likewise were born here, but yet only a select few can understand WTF they're saying as well.
We all know the type. They're straight out of central casting with their pickup trucks, complete with the rebel flags, mullets, gun racks and one-toothed women.
So, in all fairness, I'll offer the following examples of Crackerspeak, found on Wikipedia:
Redneck: "J'ever done gone'n getted that thar thang you was gonna git from the catalog?"
Translation: "Did you receive the item which you ordered from the catalog?"
Redneck: "Makin da laf durn."
Translation: "We are guiding our automotive vehicle to the left."
Redneck: "Relo mah boomstick"
Translation: "Please place more of your ammunition into my firearm."
Redneck: "Gettin my cusin done 'n' watchin the daytona 5 hundrurd"
Translation: "I am taking my lovely wife on a honeymoon."
WTF! You get the picture. Ignorant illiterates come in all flavas, breeds and persuasions.
WTF! Several months ago, my wife and I were with someone of the black persuasion, and that person asked my wife who is from a foreign land and has a thick, exotic accent, "How long have you lived here?
My wife told her how long she has been here, LEGALLY, and our friend wondered, "Why, if living here in America all these years, haven't you dropped your accent?"
Wife replied that she took the time to learn to read, write and speak proper English before she came to America, but that her accent was from her native tongue.
I thought my wife defended herself, which she didn't have to do in the first place, quite politely.
However, a couple WTF thought's popped into my head.
WTF! Why is it that some people that come here with paperwork and pedigree in hand take the time to learn our language and assimilate while certain other's require, no, demand bi-lingual education, handouts, and other freebies, unlike my wife, who has played by the rules, never asked for anything from anybody.
Second WTF thought that seeped into my head, but being a gentleman, I zipped my lips, but could't help getting into Keeper Of The Fork mode by wondering, WTF, why is it that certain people come here, learn the language, still have a heavy accent and get an A for effort for taking the time learn proper English, but certain Ebonic types still can't grasp the simple linguistic skill of pronouncing the word "Ask" as opposed to "Axe" as in, "Axe me a question?
WTF! And this is addressed to illiterate American born's as well as foriegn borns. If reading, writing, speaking, pronouncing and articulating the English language, properly, regardless of accent, was good enough for my foreign born forefathers and wife, it damn well ought to be good enough for the homegrowns.
WTF! Wanna hear the mother of all WTF's?
Thought so, that's why you're here.
Ever have a significant other, and we all know who 'She' is, standing in front of the TV while watching the Superbowl? Well, my 'She' has been properly trained not to do that. It took some time, patience and discipline, and she is properly trained in matters and protocal of the Dudedom when it comes to the viewing of sports on TV.
Sorry for the digression, but the real mother of all WTF's is my satelleite provider, who at the 2 minute warning of the f***king Superbowl, decided to rescramble and download a new signal leaving my TV screen blank, thus, me missing the end of the game.
We are all at the mecy of our cable or satellite pirate providers, and mine fumbled the ball when they ran interference on my once a year Superbowl festivities.
That said, I say WTF, I'm flagging those pirates for unsportsmanlike conduct for ruining my day.
I'll pile on a futher WTF by wondering, why can't they pull that crap at 3:00 AM when nobody but loners, losers, drunks and hookers are still watching infommercials on TV?
WTF! When my next bill comes from the pirates, I'm going to demand an instant replay challenge on my statement and flag them for a personal foul in the form of clipping.
WTF! This one is not so much a WTF take as it is a "Where The Hell Was My Camera When I Needed It" moment, because this would have been a classic.
Driving down the street at a stoplight waiting to turn green, I had an epiphany that the Justin Bieber phenonemon has really done the cultural and musical crossover when I saw a hybrid of Buckwheat and Justin standing on the corner.
Same hairdo, darker skin. So f**King, piss your pants hilarious, you had to be there in order to believe it.
A black kid with a Justin Bieber combover hairdo? What's the world coming to?
Yes, I did say WTF, as I was laughing my ass off watching this kid. My hunches are that with a hairdo like that, he probably lives near the local country club as opposed to the hood, because with a ridiculous haircut like that, white, black, whatever, no one will last more than ten seconds in the hood, at least alive.
So, in essence, Justin Bieber has become as important as he thinks he is by mending racial and cultural fences by influencing not just gullible white boys by emulating his haircut, but also black kids, too.
WTF! Whatever happened to purple and orange dyed mowhawk haircuts?
WTF! Hey all! MLK Day has come and gone. A day in which ALL Guvment workers and benefit recipients got paid to lay around the house or hood on our dime and really, do the equivelent of, pretty much nothing.
Almost as if they were at their 'jobs', huh? Heh, heh.
On a more somber note, it is a day we honor a way forward thinking man whose life was taken too early, yet left a great legacy and many lessons to learn as he helped bridge the racial divide in America.
Okay. That said, the WTF thought goes as such, and this is going to be a personal observation. WTF is up with The News Nit Wits not reporting on law enforcement not setting up sobriety checkpoints for MLK Day activitities? The News Nitwits sure don't have a problem reporting on the DUI arrest tally when it comes to St. Patrick's Day drinking festivities.
WTF! Racial profiling, lack of racial profiling, or both because Barney Fife caved into local political hack's bent, depending on the race or date of the ethnic or cultural occasion is no excuse to make some animals more equal than others in the name of political correctness.
WTF! You know, with all the blaming and finger pointing Obama has been doing, on a very constant basis, regarding the previous Bush Administration and the huge budget deficit and debt HE, "The One" claims he "inherited," the WTFer's just had to wonder.
Why did you take the job as President, asshole, if all you're going to do is blame the previous President for our country's financial problems and bury us in debt with your own underground printing press by devaluing the American dollar
WTF is Obama's successor as President going to claim when he or she takes the heat for inheriting Obama's red-inked multi-trillion dollar bill "We The People, Son's And Grandson's" have to pay for, for his corporate bailouts, golf trips and personal, family, exotic vacations and overall disregard for John Q. Public's personal earnings?
If that person, who assumes Commander-In-Chief status, and is willing and able to look forward, roll up their sleeves and look for solutions, and NOT play the finger pointing blame game, AND realize that they have a job to do, we salute the "New Boss."
WTF! We'll see who blames who in the long run as history judges America's worst President ever, oh, and of course, First lady, (wait, she's not a lady)...EVER!
Oh, another WTF! moment. How could I be so forgetful? About that finger you point Mr. Messiah to blame others whenever you excuse your massive tax, spend and Constitution trampling behaviors, should be shoved straight up your you-know-what.
WTF! Why are Bill Maher, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O'Donnell always referred to as 'Comedians?'
Not one of them has ever said anything that resembles humor in a long time, if ever. Collectively, with all of their empty headed, idiotic, uninformed lip flapping about the evils, faults and shortcomings of white men, past administrations(Bush), foreign policy, immigration, Afghanistan or the economy, the only thing of note that any of these do is contribute greatly to the depletion of the ozone while at the same time, demonstrating what utter imbeciles they are by virtue of opening their traps.
I guess when the 'Comedy' thing runs it's course on these washed-up Has-Beens-That-Really-Never-Were, it's only natural for them to segue and resort to adolescent name calling with a Know-It-All, Holier Than Thou attitude before resorting to fact checking and rational, adult behavior.
Since when has being a washed up 'comedian' been a qualification to be a military strategist, economic forecaster, Beltway insider or even an armchair social commentator? Hell, I'de much rather hear my auto mechanic's opinion on important matters than anything washed up blowhards like Bill Maher, Rosie O'Donnell or Whoopi Goldberg have to say.
WTF! What WILL be funny about them is when their soapboxes collapse and fold from underneath them from the weight of all the hot air they spew.
WTF! Remember back in 1991-1992, we had Hillary running on a Co-Presidential platform, Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Loretta Sanchez running for California seats, and to a lesser degree, the Anita Hill hoax, and the media called it 'The Year Of The Woman'?
But now in 2010 with such a huge surge of female candidates, many Republican or Tea Party, the same glorification or even repsect for women running for office is nowhere to be found?
WTF! Is the media jealous because some of these women actually look and act like ladies?
Is it because they're not as shrill as the Class of '92?
Perhaps in their cases, they really are 'uniquely qualified' to succeed where the current crop of incumbents have failed?
Could it be that - gasp - the current crop of female candidates aren't liberal Democrats that march lockstep with their parties' platform, Pro-Choice agendas and actually think outside the box, and the Beltway?
Methinks it's all of the above! One recent case in point. California Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman was overheard being referred to as a 'whore' by someone from Democratic candidtate, Jerry Brown's staff.
Where was the NOW - National Organization of Witches? They not only stand by Jerry Brown, but supported the use of the word 'whore' in Meg Whitman's case.
WTF! Equality for women is very selective and only extended to certain womyn...by certain womyn.
WTF! (x 4) Am I the only one that thinks that those skin-tight clad, brightly colored spandex wearing bicyclists are the epitome of arrogance?
You know the Asphalt Assholes I'm talking about. Their arroganance and piousness exceed even the most hard core, laptop toting, Art Garfunkle/White Bob Marley looking Starbucks frequenter.
First, these Pavement Punks travel in swarms, non-chalantly commandeering the entire road at times, crossing over THEIR official 'Bicycle Lanes' into the motorists lanes slowing down traffic, usually at a most critical time, like when you really need to use a restroom.
Those same cyclists however, will never let an opportunity slip by to let you know just how Holier Than Thou they are when one of us ignorant and merely mortal motorist's 'encroaches' upon their sacred and precious 'Bicycle Lane.'
Second, if you ever have the misfortune of getting into a conversation with one of them, somehow the discussion always leads to the superiority and craftsmanship of their imported, Tour De France caliber bicycle.
Titanium frame, aerodynamically engineered and made in France, complete with a $5,000 price tag. As if they would be seen on anything less?
Third, they also never miss an opportunity to discount the accomplishments of Lance Armstrong, probably because he's an American, which to them is outright bicycle blasphemy. The nerve. A Yankee Dog showing up the mighty French on their own turf. Why he ought to be flogged with an inner tube for even thinking an American is even remotely superior to or worthy of competing against the French.
Fourth, WTF is up with those ridiculous looking, form fitting outfits that they wear and inflict upon the rest of us. Personally, they look like a 1970's acid trip/discoteque nightmare.
If the cyclist is a weekend warrior, ex-couch potato and male, they insist on showing off their beer boobs, beer guts, baby Bobbit bulges and snow white, pasty complexions.
I have nothing against physical excercise, or bicycling in particular, but if these wannabe Tour De France eggheads really want to put their pedals to the metal, might I suggest they prove their mettle by participating in the Tour De 'Hood, a proposed tournament that rolls right through the PIGDome?
See how far those Cyclo-pathic Sissies get (without getting your fancy bike stolen and your ass kicked by Chuey or Rufus) with those hideous looking tights, Chad.
WTF! I’m sick and tired of being PIG's bearer of bad tidings whenever I post on all the good folks that pass away and make our Toe-Tagged page.
Not wanting to play God by wishing an early demise for anyone, (well, almost anyone) I really do wish that some sub-humans and other assorted scum and riff-raff would simply disappear from the public, for the public's good, of course.
Why is it that individuals that lead productive lives, contribute to the world, and make an impact on those around them either on a large or small scale, die way too early, while others overstay their welcome?
Why can't the takers, whiners, famous for being famous, oily politicians and related pirates and other well known scabs "kill" their public presence and just go away - far, far away and crawl under a damn rock and rot away?
WTF! I lied. I really do have a little, personal list of those I wouldn't mind posting on Toe Tagged, and the sooner the better.
WTF! I’m no Galileo, but I was wondering, if there are 360 degrees in a circle, and it takes one year for the earth to revolve around the sun, how come there aren’t 360 days in a year?
WTF ever happened to keeping it simple?
WTF! On a related astronomical note, why does everyone – News Nit Wit ‘Meteorologist's’ included - refer to the time of day known as ‘dusk’ as ‘sunset’ and dawn as ‘sunrise?’
Last I checked the sun is pretty much stationary and it’s the earth that rotates 360 degrees every 24 hours, thus causing what is referred to as sunrise and sunset.
WTF! Even a dude like me that hated any and all math classes figured that out.
WTF! Why is it that it's perfectly normal for a wife or girlfriend to rifle through a mans wallet, help themselves to however much money they want, and give the dude a third degree interrogation when she finds a strange phone number in dude's wallet, BUT, when a man needs a few extra bucks and looks in her purse, she fells offended and violated?
WTF ladies. If you're so fixated and fascinated by a mans wallet, go get your own!
WTF! WTF is with the obession some people have with Facebook?
I personally know someone whose sole mission in their so-called life is to be on Facebook from dawn til dusk, taking the occasional bathroom break, and a few hours of sleep.
How miserable or empty is your life when it's centered around meaningless cyberchat hour after hour, day after day?
I can see if these losers were communicating with each other to try and find a cure for cancer or put a man on Mars, but the enormous amount of time wasted yaking with other losers is close to sinful.
The problem escalates when you leave in the morning and your significant other is on Facebook. When you get home in the evening, they are still on Facebook with the dishes stacked to the ceiling, the kid is crying, the dog didn't get walked, and of course, NO F***ING dinner in sight.
Then of course, there are those that abuse their bosses computer privleges by Facebooking on the job. That's stealing the bosses time. Might as well drink on the job if you ask me, because both would be grounds for termination.
LOL? Not by a longshot. OMG, more like WTF!!!
The Facebook user will claim to have over 900 'friends' on Facebook that they absolutely MUST communicate with on a daily basis.
900 friends??? Who the f**k has 900 friends?. Who the f**k needs 900 'friends'?
I'm not advocating going overboard, dictating personal behavior or creating a Facebook Nazi movement, but these losers are addicts and they need help, so instead of getting a good Forking, and being about solutions from time to time, I thought that with the proliferation of self-help 12 step programs, let's add another one into the mix on behalf of chronic Facebook losers, users and abusers.
Instead of being predictable and calling our new support group Facebook Anonymous, let's keep it simple and real and just call it Faceless & Lifeless Anonymous, or F&L for short.
Better yet, in the spirit of the old opium dens and cocaine shooting galleries, Facebook users can, when the urge overwhelms them, disappear for days, weeks on end to an actual, not virtual, Facebook House, where they can chat until they are Facedown in the gutter.
I have nothing personal against using Facebook on a casual basis, in fact I have a page of my own. I check it once in a while, for entertainment purposes and to catch up on friends and family activities. Like I said, about once a week. But when a certain somebody becomes so fixated and mesmerized and has to call me into the room every two minutes to see how cute the new nephew is, or so and so just got married, I come ever so close to calling for an intervention before that certain someone gets the hint that I'm about to go nuclear.
WTF, get a real, not virtual life.
WTF! This one really crisps my crust.
Recently, on one of those estrogen inspired, Kleenex passing talk shows, one of the guests happened to be...Ta-Da, a self proclaimed "Adult Film Actress And Artist"
Wow. Your'e an "Actress" for removing your clothes and laying on your back and doing what comes natural to every woman and man?
Wonder what your "acting" qualifications are? Did you hone your "acting" craft studying Shakspearean acting like the great Alec Guinness, or perhaps at the Pasadena Playhouse like Gene Hackman?
If you did so, that would be very impressive, but the truth is, women like you make a lucrative living being performers, not the actresses and Prima Donnas you think you are.
More than likely, you, "Miss Self Proclaimed Actress" you honed your skills and talents in the backseat of a car, or bed of a pickup truck.
The reality is, you are nothing more than a trained performer, like a circus seal, you open every orifce of your body at the snap of a finger, the sound of a man's zipper opening and most important, the sound of a boatload of Benjamins you get for doing your thespian thing.
Enjoy your careers as "Actresses and Artists" laying on your back for a living, because I hope it works out for you when you turn 35 and the adult entertainment industry puts you out to pasture.
Oh, and I also hope your mommy and daddy swell with pride at their little girl's career choice.
WTF! (Another DMV adventure) I recently found myself at my local Mexifornia DMV branch to take care of some pressing business and found to my dismay that since my last excursion, they had completely streamlined their system and geared it towards – now hold on to your hot dogs – efficiency!
I had fully prepared myself for an afternoon of absolute misery, and got myself in the appropriate bad mood and was at the ready to snipe at the drones behind the counters, when to my surprise I was greeted with not only a short waiting time, but courtesy as well.
I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.
I went in, got my number, didn’t have long to wait, took care of my business, and left a satisfied customer. And to top it off and show that they’re really on the ball, they actually failed several non-Engrish/Ingles speaking applicants, proving that they stopped GIVING away licenses but are now requiring some level of competence and road skills in order to be licensed to operate a motor vehicle.
Let me repeat. This was in Mexifornia.
Now, one of two things could have happened. They tuned into this page and read my previous DMV rants (scroll down), which is unlikely, or, someone, something told those drones that due to Mexifornia’s budget mess and DMV furlough days, that they are expendable and can be replaced and better be on their best behavior.
WTF! This is one time I’m glad I was proven wrong.
WTF! What is up with so-called dudes that still wear tighty-whitey's?
Ladies, at this point, you're highly encouraged to take notes on behalf of your man, as you're not quite off the hook if you're guilty of buying nut crunching undies for your 'man.'
Let's get down to nuts and bolts, pun intended.
OK, dudes, as children we're all at our mom's mercy when she purchases those Fruit Of The Looms, Hanes, Spiderman Underoos, whatever, that are sinfully skintight. However, when we develop and mature, and we know that means. It's time to ditch the Volkwagen and make room for the Cadillac.
WTF, Porcus. What are you getting at? Well, Madison Avenue and the advertising industry seems to have no problem with 'female' comfort, either pitching bra sizes or the the latest added comfort of panty liners.
That's fine, but what about the comfort of men, after all we're talking family jewels.
Solution? When necessary, wear boxers for your added comfort and freedom. When not necessary, let your nads and manhood float and dangle with the summer's breeze...
Oh, sure. Like our wives would allow us to show our goods without a support system?
I know I'm going to hear about this, but the entire posting was inspired by an early morning re-run of a Girls Gone Wild informercial.
God bless em.
WTF! What's up with these Bible Thumpers, trying to sell you on their "I'm all messed up on The Lord" guilt trips by saying, "Jesus died for your sins."
Jesus died for my sins? OK. That is a great, altruistic gesture he bestowed upon his fellow man and mankind. But, as far as I know, I never met him, and he took that cross to the hill as his own burden, so why should I feel guilty as a sinner? He was predestined to die for our sins, anyway.
Nifty. Nice, too, in concept, but did Jesus know me as a man? If he did, he would want nothing to do with the likes of me.
My issue with these well intended folks trying to "guilt" me into their church with initial acts of kindness, using Jesus' dying for me as a guilt factor only to ultimately say, "Oh, please make the check out to The Church Of P.T. Barnum"
Remember, there's a sucker born every minute.
But hey, I do want to thank Jesus, not the guilt peddlers, for carrying that cross on my behalf.
WTF! Why is it that when I take a road trip and find myself in a rural area and start fiddling around with the radio dial in hopes of finding some decent music or even talk radio, all the stations get fuzzy, distorted sounding reception EXCEPT for the Spanish language Cucaracha Crap-Ola, or the Beans 'N Rice 'N Jesus Christ Evangelical stations?
Naturally, those stations come in crystal clear.
Makes me want to pull over and pray that I don't puke.
WTF! Why is that when you encounter a "Stoned On Jesus With Blinders On" type, every one of life's problems or questions, according to them, can be found in the Bible and no where else?
Example: Ask them what 'Born again' means. They immediately reply, "According to the Bible..."
Or ask them why bad things happen to good people, and their answer usually begins with "Scripture tells us..."
You can even ask them how they think the Dodgers will do this year with addition of some left handed power hitters and you'll still get "Well, the bible says..."
There sure is a lot of truth in that old Cheech & Chong skit where the dude says, "Hey man, I used to be all messed up on drugs. Now I'm all messed up on Jesus!"
WTF! If the United States Coast Guard is considered a branch of the military for watching over our coastlines, catching drug smugglers and illegals, why isn't the U.S. Border Patrol elevated to the same status for doing essentially the same thing, except perhaps even more dangerous AND with their hands tied by polticians, bureaucrats and Colonista Coddlers? They are put in harms way, everyday, defending our borders, receive virtually no positive recognition, are shot at by snipers and smugglers, and on top of that, they are villified and get called mean, hurtful names, too.
WTF! Why is that you never see Koreans driving Korean imports like KIA or Hyundai, for example? Do the Koreans know something we don't, but should? I find that especially funny, since most Koreans can't tell a steering wheel from a windshield.
WTF! Ever notice that some prima donna assh***s with names that are spelled slightly different, and sound slightly different will stop and interrupt any conversation, no matter how important, to correct anyone with the misfortune of mispronouncing it? Example: A semi-celebrity type by the name of Jackée was being interviewed on TV, and several times stopped the discussion to inform the interviewer that her name was pronounced Ja-KAY. That's Ja-KAY!!! Not Jackee!
WTF! How would anyone know they were speaking to...I mean addressing such an important person? Sista pleeze!!! Sounds like an adult entertainer/stripper working name, if you axe me.
WTF! While watching one of those Sunday morning roundtable discussions here in SoCal recently, the topic was the upcoming elections, and the guests were some political insiders, and the facilitator (code for News Nitwit) asked the following, and I kid you not, was dead serious when she asked, "Illegal immigration. Why is that an issue, here?"
Stop the presses, Pedro!!! WTF kind of question is THAT to be asking here in Southern California?
News Flash for for News Nitwit! What part of M-E-X-I-F-O-R-N-I-A don't you understand?
WTF! Ever notice that those huge, mega Do-It Yourself hardware stores - Home Depot, Lowes, OSH, etc., always show commercials where the scenario is a couple shopping for the perfect kitchen tile, a truckload of sod for the new lawn or several gallons of paint for their nursery, getting it all loaded in their truck and supposedly, heading home.
There is one glaring omission from those commercials. They never show the husband take that detour about a block from Home Depot to pick up that one last item...an illegal invader day laborer, who, when not pissing on Old Lady Nusbaum's prize roses, is patiently loitering, drinking beer and distrubing the peace until he gets picked for the 'Do-It-Yourself-With-The-Help-Of-Chuey & Co.' job.
That, PIGsters, would be truth in advertising.
WTF! It just dawned on me why so many uninformed, ignorant a-holes are protesting or boycotting Arizona over Arizona Senate Bill 1070.
THE BILL WAS WRITTEN IN ENGLISH!!!
WTF! Why is that even after a revenue generating Barney Fife pulls over and issues a citation to someone for whatever petty reason, people always say "Thank you" to the cop? WTF are you thanking him for? Picking your pocket? Forcing you to write a check and mail it in? Taking time out of your day to go down to the courthouse to pay your ticket or attend traffic school?
If you've got nothing to lose and bowling ball sized cast irons, next time just play along and politely sign his little citation, smile and simply say, "Ahem. Sir, don't you think some thanks are in order on your end? After all, I am but yet another notch on your belt, a mere stepping stone on your path to that promotion, and of course, your inflated salary as a glorified hall monitor comes out of my pocket? Oh, and is it true about cops and donutshops...?"
See you in court, after the bruises fade, huh?
WTF! Ever wonder where clerks that work at gas stations or convenience relieve themselves, especially when you ask if you can use their restroom only to have them give you a look of contempt and telling you they don't have a bathroom? Hmmmmm. Just stop and think that if they have no working restroom, where do they do to get relief, and wash up afterwards.
You better think twice before ordering that Slurpee or chili dog.
WTF! This a good one. Ever have that special, absent-minded, lovable someone in your life that is always misplacing things like car keys, sunglasses or a cell phone, only to ask out loud, "Where did I leave my wallet? Have you seen my purse?"
Like I would know?
Well, Mrs. Porcus is the poster child of misplacing things. Sucker that I was, during the first few years of marriage, I would actually try and help her backtrack the damn lost item, and after a while, that crap got old.
Then it dawned on me! I would tell her I know exactly where it is. RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT!
She asked. I answered. Problem solved...on my end, anyway.
WTF! Why is it that one song stuck in my head can ruin an entire day? I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill cranium crunching crappy songs from Sinead O'Conner, Alanis Morrisette, or Mariah Carey. I'm talking about real annoying sounds that when played over and over, can make anyone go Bell Tower.
Ever get the theme from F-Troop, The Oscar Meyer Weiner jingle or a Barry Manilow song stuck in your head for an entire, tortuous day?
You've been there, too, huh? No matter what other song you try to replace it with, it somehow still finds a way to slowly, subliminally creep it's way back, at full tilt no less, to the forefront of the cranial sound system, playing itself over and over again in a continual, non-stop loop, driving you to the brink of insanity.
Gets worse, too. When the day is finally done, and you finally hit the sack and close your eyes for what you think is going to be a peaceful nights sleep, guess what? It's baaaack!
It's days like that that make the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard sound like harps from heaven.
Now go out there and have a great day and don't let the theme song from Facts Of Life ruin your day, over and over, and over...
WTF! Why is it that when Barney Fife has someone pulled over on a freeway, everyone slows down and all you see in front of you are brake lights?
Hell, he's already taken the time to pull someone else over, get out of the car, whip out his citation book and get busy writing a ticket, so why not take advantage of the situation and put the pedal to the metal and gun it? It's not like he's going to drop what he's doing to just to get you.
What are you waiting for? Go ahead and leave Ponch and John in the dust, go like Steve McQueen and floor it a like bat out of brakelight hell!
WTF! Why is it that getting older can be a confusing experience. For example, when guys get as old as some MILF's are, WTF do guys call them now? Since they can't call them The Babysitter, Mrs. Robinson or Schoolteacher anymore, and as a gester of being age-neutral, maybe they should refer to MILF's as...
CWILF's - Co-Workers I'de Like to...?
OHILF's - Older Hotties I'de Like to...?
F-PILF's - Female Peers I'de Like to...?
McHILF's - Irish Hotties I'de Like to...?
WFT! At my age, what's the use? I'll show them a little respect and simply say, ' Hey, Toots!' and wait for that much deserved slap in the face.
WTF! Why is it that I always fall for and plan my weekend around what a News Nitwit piece of eye candy weathergal or unfunny fatass weather dude "predicts?"
So many times "they" are dead wrong, but suckers like me always fall for their crystal ball predictions and end up either soaking wet when "they" predicted clear skies, or stuck at home after giving up tickets to a ball game because "they" predicted rain when it was a beautiful day.
That's my fault for putting stock in someone who's only real skill is looking good and reading a teleprompter.
But what really bends my 'Fork is that the following day, you never, EVER hear these assholes fall on their sword, eat some humble pie, apologize, or admit they were wrong for screwing up your weekend plans. At the very least, they could come out of the closet and admit they attended the Al Gore School of Meteorology Hype and Hocus Pocus.
For that, on behalf of those whose weekends were ruined, or will be ruined by a fucked up forecast, All News Nitwit Weather Drones will receive an Official Porcus Pitchfork Golden Shower Award, and if possible, administered by yours truely.
WTF! Why is it that it's perfectly legal to end the life of an unborn child at an abortion clinic, for say, whatever reason or mood the impregnated woman is in, but when a homicidal scumbag murders a pregnant woman, he's (rightfully) charged with two counts of murder? With that logic, shouldn't abortion be considered a so-called "Hate Crime?"
WTF! Why is it that when it rains in the dirt bowl called Southern Mexifornia, most everyone goes into panic mode and complains about the rain and the ensuing traffic tie ups, landslides and Storm Watch News Nit-Wits, only to have one asshole ALWAYS say, "Yeah, but we need it (the rain)." Never fails.
WTF! Why is it that when a wife or girlfriend insist (drag by the short ones) their man accompany them to the mall, the woman goes into rattlesnake mode when the man notices the hordes of head turning hotties?
What's even worse is three weeks later when the woman asks with her hands on her hips, "Do you still think she's (any good looking woman from the mall that you have long forgotten) pretty?"
As if he remembers, but you know he's cruisin' for a bruisin' when he naively replies, "Which one?"
WTF! Go figure.
WTF! Why is it people believe the fairy tale that all women are beautiful and underneath even the homeliest woman lies a pristine princess dying to get out? Not all women are cover girls, nor do they have to be to be beautiful, and that's OK. I just have a hard time believing monsters like Rosie O'Donnell, Nancy Pelosi, Lorena Bobbitt and the late Leona Helmsley having even a shred of beauty - either inner or outer. There are certain characteristics that can't be changed, not through plastic surgery, liposuction or dieting. Let's face it, some women are shrill bitches at birth. No amount of lipstick will ever make certain women beautiful, but a burlap sack over the head and a muzzle in the mouth are a good start.
WTF! Why is it that Pit Bull owners are ALWAYS uglier, meaner and dumber than their dogs? We've all seen the owners. They're usually wannabe bad-asses who use the poor beast as an extension of the "badness" they don't have. We've all heard the news reports of an innocent child or mailman being mauled by a viscious Pit Bull. The end result is that the dog is eventually put down. Putting the dog down is only half the solution. Why not put the irresponsible owner down with the dog? Now that's killing two birds with one stone. All those in favor...
WTF! Why is it that almost all new, or first generation immigrant groups to America, work their asses off to get out from under the low end of the immigrant totem pole and blend into our melting pot, while others - and you know who you are, Camel Crap - go out of their way to perpetuate and justify not just negative stereotypes of their herd, but generate out-and-out hatred, contempt and mistrust of YOU by everyone else, including some of your own kind, except for CAIR, of course.
WTF! Why is it that immediately following an attempted terrorist threat, Homeland Stupidity and TSA predictably impose even more punitive, invasive and asinine ways of making airline travel for the average airline passenger more miserable, but the News Nit-Wits always seem to get the reactions of some moron that just had a thorough body cavity search that always says something deep, like, "Well, we need to take these precautions."
WTF! Why is it that everyday personal items like lighters, pocketknives, nailclippers, and even shoelaces are not only on The Department Of Homeland Stupidity's list of implements of "Man Made Disasters" but are also on the top of every Educrat's Zero Tolerance Zombies' Shit List as well?
WTF! Why is it that whenever I settle in to watch a rare, half way decent TV show, it's always interrupted by a News Nit-Wit breaking story ALWAYS involving a car chase, preempting my daily Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood viewing time?
WTF! Why is it that Madison Avenue always portrays men as fumbling bufoons that can't turn on a light switch, use the automatic coffee maker, put down the toilet seat or even use a vacuum, when in reality, men are the innovators and inventors of such everyday household conveniences?
WTF! Why is it that when an American born Gringo wants to state his/her opinion on illegal border jumping scum, they always preface their statement with, "I'm not a racist, but..."?
WTF! Why is it that most one-named celebrities - Madonna, Sting, Cher, etc., are revered for their air-headed, fly-by-night causes and opinions by the Brain-Dead, but in reality, can be the world's biggest egomaniacal A-Holes?
WTF! (More Celebri-Trash) Why is it that when a well known person of questionable talent is asked a question on an important issue, they always begin with, "Well, Diane, as an artist, I feel..."?
Who died and made their self-important, "As an artist" opinions more important than my mechanics or butchers opinion?
As far as celebrities go, it should be more like, "Well, Katie, as a well-known A-Hole, I feel..."
WTF! Why is it, according to NO-NAD man-haters, that when a man proudly wields a large caliber, long barreled gun, he is, in Freudian terms, childishly playing with an extension of his phallus, but when a woman gets her hooks on a gun, she is somehow “empowered?”
WTF! Why is it that when a “Joe The Plumber” type, who earns over $100,000 a year merely has a job, but when someone with not even a High School diploma gets off welfare, takes a nine month course at a fly-by-night trade school (as seen on TV), graduates, lands a position earning slightly above minimum wage, they have a “career?”
WTF! Why is it that Orientals and Indians (the tomahawk kind) normally take offense to those terms and instead prefer to be called Asians and Native Americans, except when it comes to the almighty dollar?
The answers are $imple.
Take note of your local A$ian owned Oriental Dry Cleaner or Oriental Noodle Hou$e. They could care less what you call them as long as your money is good and you pay up.
Casino owning “Native American$” don't seem to have any problems perpetuating a tomahawk weilding redskin stereotype with their use of the term “Indian Gaming Ca$ino” all the way to the bank, in Mac trucks no le$$.
WTF! Why is it that the term 'Native American' is limited to Siberian-American's? Isn't ANYONE born on American soil considered a native...to America?
The facade of political correctness ends and hypocrisy begins whenever money is involved.
WTF! Speaking of race, why is it that should I refer to a black person as “African-American” especially when I don’t know where that person really came from?
Example: If I witness a crime by a black person, and am asked by Barney Fife for a physical description, I would say that person had a dark complexion, or, he/she was black. Whether that person is/was from Africa or Antarctica is of little consequence to a physical description.
WTF! Why is it that when Barney Fife pulls you over for suspicion of drunk driving, he makes you recite the alphabet backwards, has you close your eyes, extend your arms and touch your nose while walking a straight line at 2:00 AM?
Who the hell does any of that crap on a regular basis? He may as well have you perform the Nutcracker Suite while juggling chainsaws on roller skates.
Porcus’ advice: Don’t drink and drive unless you have mastered the alphabet backwards and are as agile as an Olympic gymnast.
WTF! Why is that when Pedro and/or Ping Pong are forced to answer a possibly incriminating question in English, all of a sudden, they answer “Me no speaka da Engrish,” but I would bet your bank account they could recite the Gettysburg Address for a million dollars.
WTF! Why is it that when a professional athlete gets caught using steroids, he/she is cheating, but when Pam Anderson surgically inflates her chest, that’s considered 'enhancement'?
WTF! Why is it that moments after the 9/11 attacks, the first group of people to display, uh, hide behind American flags where 7-11, liquor store and gas station owners named Achmed, who had nothing but contempt for America and American’s prior to the attacks, somehow miraculously took refuge in the American melting pot?
WTF! Why is that when approached by a wine soaked panhandler asking for some coin, I'm addressed as ' Kind sir...', but when I can't oblige Mr. "Can I Have Fitty Cent Fo' Some Bus Fare" I'm suddenly a cheap-ass, mo'-f***ing, racist skinflint?
WTF! Why is that some men, who are unwittingly marked as future 'Daddy' material, regardless of his CHOICE in the matter, are called Sperm Donors, but women with alterior motives are never called Sperm Robbers?
WTF! Why is it that when I purchase something at an Asian owned liquor store, the little Mama San behind the counter can calculate my purchase, the sales tax and change due in two seconds flat in her head, and if I’m a nickel shy, she'll demand, “You pay now!”
But when I win $200 from a lottery ticket purchased at the same store, same Mama San, suddenly, their mental calculators freeze up and they have to call in their family to analyze the ticket and call the state lottery commission and have me wait for an hour for my winnings?
WTF! Why is it that when a dude scopes out bare naked hotties in a Playboy Magazine, he is a drooling, knuckle dragging Cro-Magnon that has no respect for his wife or women in general, but when the same dude attends an art museum chock full of Old Master and Renaissance nude paintings and sculptures, he is now, somehow “cultured?”
Conversely, why is it okay for a woman to stand hypnotized for hours at Michelangelo’s David and not be called a pecker-peeking slut?
WTF! Why is it that when a mob of “inner-city” residents burn, loot, murder and riot while chanting “No justice, no peace”, that’s justified and brushed under the carpet as an uprising, or rebellion, but when taxpaying citizens take to the streets participating in peaceful Tea Party protests, that’s considered a Gestapo style lynch mob?
WTF! Why is it that when I need to make a right turn in downtown traffic, Lupe and her 6 kids leisurely take their sweet time crossing the street in ultra slow motion like a mother duck and her brood following in single file, causing me to wait, but the same Lupe can leave a Ferrari in the dust when she illegally crosses the border with Border Patrol Agents hot on her tail?
WTF! Why is it that you never see that urban eyesore, graffiti, scrawled on murals of the Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ, Cesar Chavez, Pancho Villa, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela or better yet, the graffiti vandals parents house?
WTF! Very Recent, Very True DMV Story: Why is it, that when I patiently wait for two long, tortuous hours at the DMV, and I'm 3 away from my number being called, THE F*****G POWER GOES OUT, THE COMPUTERS GO DOWN, AND EVERYONE IS TOLD TO EVACUATE ASAP?
Gets better. I returned the next day with my paperwork AND the number I was assigned the day before in hopes of bumping the line, only to be told I had to start at the end of the line by a high school dropout wearing a security guard uniform.
WTF! Speaking Of The DMV, why is it that I feel like a foreigner in my own country every time I visit the State supported Tower of Babel?
WTF! even more DMV Crapola: Why is it that my local DMV torture chamber has 1/2 inch thick bullet proof plexi-glass and posters on the glass alerting everyone that it's a felony, punishable of up to one year in state prison to threaten a DMV drone? Gee, you think it's because they're on the career fast-track into professional suckage?
WTF! Why is it that the 9/11 terrorist scum couldn't have flown solo (no innocent passengers) into IRS headquarters or better yet, the building that houses my student loan data on a Sunday morning when no one's there except the computers.
WTF! Why is it that whenever a new TV series or movie comes out and is hyped and hailed as "Critically Acclaimed", "The Best Movie of the Year" "Two Thumbs Up" or "A Sure Oscar Contender" how come I already know it's going to spew big, stinky chunks and flat out suck?
WTF! Why is it that a 15 year old girl can't remember what she had for lunch 3 hours earlier, but can remember what color panties Twatney wasn't wearing to the Pop Tarts Award Show 2 1/2 years before and who her date was?
WTF! Why is it that I always get stuck with the dullest knife in the drawer on the other end of the phone when dealing with government agencies and corporate America alike when I have a question or a problem that needs to be resolved?
WTF! Why is it that some folks get “offended” and somehow manufacture artificial outrage when a stereotype is justified? It truly can't be that there's a hell of a lot of truth in stereotypes?
WTF! Finally, why is it I know that you know where to send the hate mail?