For some time now, the following notions have been gathering dust and cobwebs in the Porcus skull cavity for some time.

This stuff is not made up, but instead, is a compilation of observations and actual experiences, so before those most 'racist' and 'sexist' PIG slings and arrows come flying my way, consider that some of the following may have been experienced, witnessed or even thought of by you, too.

Some of the following examples have Porcus scratching his head. Some have Porcus laughing his ass off. Then there are some that just out and out piss Porcus off to no end.

But all of them, no doubt, have Porcus just saying, "WTF?!?"

Hang on to your hot dogs, as we venture forth into The Porcus Netherworld of Observations in Human Nature and Behavior.

WTF! Why is it that I always fall for and plan my weekend around what a News Nitwit piece of eye candy weathergal or unfunny fatass weather dude "predicts?"

So many times "they" are dead wrong, but suckers like me always fall for their crystal ball predictions and end up either soaking wet when "they" predicted clear skies, or stuck at home after giving up tickets to a ball game because "they" predicted rain when it was a beautiful day.

That's my fault for putting stock in someone who's only real skill is looking good and reading a teleprompter.

But what really bends my 'Fork is that the following day, you never, EVER hear these assholes fall on their sword, eat some humble pie, apologize, or admit they were wrong for screwing up your weekend plans. At the very least, they could come out of the closet and admit they attended the Al Gore School of Meteorology Hype and Hocus Pocus.

For that, on behalf of those whose weekends were ruined, or will be ruined by a fucked up forecast, All News Nitwit Weather Drones will receive an Official Porcus Pitchfork Golden Shower Award, and if possible, administered by yours truely.

WTF! Why is it that it's perfectly legal to end the life of an unborn child at an abortion clinic, for say, whatever reason or mood the impregnated woman is in, but when a homicidal scumbag murders a pregnant woman, he's (rightfully) charged with two counts of murder? With that logic, shouldn't abortion be considered a so-called "Hate Crime?"

WTF! Why is it that when it rains in the dirt bowl called Southern Mexifornia, most everyone goes into panic mode and complains about the rain and the ensuing traffic tie ups, landslides and Storm Watch News Nit-Wits, only to have one asshole ALWAYS say, "Yeah, but we need it (the rain)." Never fails.

WTF! Why is it that when a wife or girlfriend insist (drag by the short ones) their man accompany them to the mall, the woman goes into rattlesnake mode when the man notices the hordes of head turning hotties? What's even worse is three weeks later when the woman asks with her hands on her hips, "Do you still think she's (any good looking woman from the mall that you have long forgotten) pretty?" As if he remembers, but you know he's cruisin' for a bruisin' when he naively replies, "Which one?" WTF! Go figure.

WTF! Why is it people believe the fairy tale that all women are beautiful and underneath even the homeliest woman lies a pristine princess dying to get out? Not all women are cover girls, nor do they have to be to be beautiful, and that's OK. I just have a hard time believing monsters like Rosie O'Donnell, Nancy Pelosi, Lorena Bobbitt and the late Leona Helmsley having even a shred of beauty - either inner or outer. There are certain characteristics that can't be changed, not through plastic surgery, liposuction or dieting. Let's face it, some women are shrill bitches at birth. No amount of lipstick will ever make certain women beautiful, but a burlap sack over the head and a muzzle in the mouth are a good start.

WTF! Why is it that Pit Bull owners are ALWAYS uglier, meaner and dumber than their dogs? We've all seen the owners. They're usually wannabe bad-asses who use the poor beast as an extension of the "badness" they don't have. We've all heard the news reports of an innocent child or mailman being mauled by a viscious Pit Bull. The end result is that the dog is eventually put down. Putting the dog down is only half the solution. Why not put the irresponsible owner down with the dog? Now that's killing two birds with one stone. All those in favor...

WTF! Why is it that almost all new, or first generation immigrant groups to America, work their asses off to get out from under the low end of the immigrant totem pole and blend into our melting pot, while others - and you know who you are, Camel Crap - go out of their way to perpetuate and justify not just negative stereotypes of their herd, but generate out-and-out hatred, contempt and mistrust of YOU by everyone else, including some of your own kind, except for CAIR, of course.

WTF! Why is it that immediately following an attempted terrorist threat, Homeland Stupidity and TSA predictably impose even more punitive, invasive and asinine ways of making airline travel for the average airline passenger more miserable, but the News Nit-Wits always seem to get the reactions of some moron that just had a thorough body cavity search that always says something deep, like, "Well, we need to take these precautions."

WTF! Why is it that everyday personal items like lighters, pocketknives, nailclippers, and even shoelaces are not only on The Department Of Homeland Stupidity's list of implements of "Man Made Disasters" but are also on the top of every Educrat's Zero Tolerance Zombies' Shit List as well?

WTF! Why is it that whenever I settle in to watch a rare, half way decent TV show, it's always interrupted by a News Nit-Wit breaking story ALWAYS involving a car chase, preempting my daily Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood viewing time?

WTF! Why is it that Madison Avenue always portrays men as fumbling bufoons that can't turn on a light switch, use the automatic coffee maker, put down the toilet seat or even use a vacuum, when in reality, men are the innovators and inventors of such everyday household conveniences?

WTF! Why is it that when an American born Gringo wants to state his/her opinion on illegal border jumping scum, they always preface their statement with, "I'm not a racist, but..."?

WTF! Why is it that most one-named celebrities - Madonna, Sting, Cher, etc., are revered for their air-headed, fly-by-night causes and opinions by the Brain-Dead, but in reality, can be the world's biggest egomaniacal A-Holes?

WTF! (More Celebri-Trash) Why is it that when a well known person of questionable talent is asked a question on an important issue, they always begin with, "Well, Diane, as an artist, I feel..."?

Who died and made their self-important, "As an artist" opinions more important than my mechanics or butchers opinion?

As far as celebrities go, it should be more like, "Well, Katie, as a well-known A-Hole, I feel..."

WTF! Why is it, according to NO-NAD man-haters, that when a man proudly wields a large caliber, long barreled gun, he is, in Freudian terms, childishly playing with an extension of his phallus, but when a woman gets her hooks on a gun, she is somehow “empowered?”

WTF! Why is it that when a “Joe The Plumber” type, who earns over $100,000 a year merely has a job, but when someone with not even a High School diploma gets off welfare, takes a nine month course at a fly-by-night trade school (as seen on TV), graduates, lands a position earning slightly above minimum wage, they have a “career?”

WTF! Why is it that Orientals and Indians (the tomahawk kind) normally take offense to those terms and instead prefer to be called Asians and Native Americans, except when it comes to the almighty dollar?

The answers are $imple.

Take note of your local A$ian owned Oriental Dry Cleaner or Oriental Noodle Hou$e. They could care less what you call them as long as your money is good and you pay up.

Casino owning “Native American$” don't seem to have any problems perpetuating a tomahawk weilding redskin stereotype with their use of the term “Indian Gaming Ca$ino” all the way to the bank, in Mac trucks no le$$.

WTF! Why is it that the term 'Native American' is limited to Siberian-American's? Isn't ANYONE born on American soil considered a native...to America?

The facade of political correctness ends and hypocrisy begins whenever money is involved.

WTF! Speaking of race, why is it that should I refer to a black person as “African-American” especially when I don’t know where that person really came from?

Example: If I witness a crime by a black person, and am asked by Barney Fife for a physical description, I would say that person had a dark complexion, or, he/she was black. Whether that person is/was from Africa or Antarctica is of little consequence to a physical description.

WTF! Why is it that when Barney Fife pulls you over for suspicion of drunk driving, he makes you recite the alphabet backwards, has you close your eyes, extend your arms and touch your nose while walking a straight line at 2:00 AM?

Who the hell does any of that crap on a regular basis? He may as well have you perform the Nutcracker Suite while juggling chainsaws on roller skates.

Porcus’ advice: Don’t drink and drive unless you have mastered the alphabet backwards and are as agile as an Olympic gymnast.

WTF! Why is that when Pedro and/or Ping Pong are forced to answer a possibly incriminating question in English, all of a sudden, they answer “Me no speaka da Engrish,” but I would bet your bank account they could recite the Gettysburg Address for a million dollars.

WTF! Why is it that when a professional athlete gets caught using steroids, he/she is cheating, but when Pam Anderson surgically inflates her chest, that’s considered 'enhancement'?

WTF! Why is it that moments after the 9/11 attacks, the first group of people to display, uh, hide behind American flags where 7-11, liquor store and gas station owners named Achmed, who had nothing but contempt for America and American’s prior to the attacks, somehow miraculously took refuge in the American melting pot?

WTF! Why is that when approached by a wine soaked panhandler asking for some coin, I'm addressed as ' Kind sir...', but when I can't oblige Mr. "Can I Have Fitty Cent Fo' Some Bus Fare" I'm suddenly a cheap-ass, mo'-f***ing, racist skinflint?

WTF! Why is that some men, who are unwittingly marked as future 'Daddy' material, regardless of his CHOICE in the matter, are called Sperm Donors, but women with alterior motives are never called Sperm Robbers?

WTF! Why is it that when I purchase something at an Asian owned liquor store, the little Mama San behind the counter can calculate my purchase, the sales tax and change due in two seconds flat in her head, and if I’m a nickel shy, she'll demand, “You pay now!”

But when I win $200 from a lottery ticket purchased at the same store, same Mama San, suddenly, their mental calculators freeze up and they have to call in their family to analyze the ticket and call the state lottery commission and have me wait for an hour for my winnings?

WTF! Why is it that when a dude scopes out bare naked hotties in a Playboy Magazine, he is a drooling, knuckle dragging Cro-Magnon that has no respect for his wife or women in general, but when the same dude attends an art museum chock full of Old Master and Renaissance nude paintings and sculptures, he is now, somehow “cultured?”

Conversely, why is it okay for a woman to stand hypnotized for hours at Michelangelo’s David and not be called a pecker-peeking slut?

WTF! Why is it that when a mob of “inner-city” residents burn, loot, murder and riot while chanting “No justice, no peace”, that’s justified and brushed under the carpet as an uprising, or rebellion, but when taxpaying citizens take to the streets participating in peaceful Tea Party protests, that’s considered a Gestapo style lynch mob?

WTF! Why is it that when I need to make a right turn in downtown traffic, Lupe and her 6 kids leisurely take their sweet time crossing the street in ultra slow motion like a mother duck and her brood following in single file, causing me to wait, but the same Lupe can leave a Ferrari in the dust when she illegally crosses the border with Border Patrol Agents hot on her tail?

WTF! Why is it that you never see that urban eyesore, graffiti, scrawled on murals of the Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ, Cesar Chavez, Pancho Villa, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela or better yet, the graffiti vandals parents house?

WTF! Very Recent, Very True DMV Story: Why is it, that when I patiently wait for two long, tortuous hours at the DMV, and I'm 3 away from my number being called, THE F*****G POWER GOES OUT, THE COMPUTERS GO DOWN, AND EVERYONE IS TOLD TO EVACUATE ASAP?

Gets better. I returned the next day with my paperwork AND the number I was assigned the day before in hopes of bumping the line, only to be told I had to start at the end of the line by a high school dropout wearing a security guard uniform.

WTF! Speaking Of The DMV, why is it that I feel like a foreigner in my own country every time I visit the State supported Tower of Babel?

WTF! even more DMV Crapola: Why is it that my local DMV torture chamber has 1/2 inch thick bullet proof plexi-glass and posters on the glass alerting everyone that it's a felony, punishable of up to one year in state prison to threaten a DMV drone? Gee, you think it's because they're on the career fast-track into professional suckage?

WTF! Why is it that the 9/11 terrorist scum couldn't have flown solo (no innocent passengers) into IRS headquarters or better yet, the building that houses my student loan data on a Sunday morning when no one's there except the computers.

WTF! Why is it that whenever a new TV series or movie comes out and is hyped and hailed as "Critically Acclaimed", "The Best Movie of the Year" "Two Thumbs Up" or "A Sure Oscar Contender" how come I already know it's going to spew big, stinky chunks and flat out suck?

WTF! Why is it that a 15 year old girl can't remember what she had for lunch 3 hours earlier, but can remember what color panties Twatney wasn't wearing to the Pop Tarts Award Show 2 1/2 years before and who her date was?

WTF! Why is it that I always get stuck with the dullest knife in the drawer on the other end of the phone when dealing with government agencies and corporate America alike when I have a question or a problem that needs to be resolved?

WTF! Why is it that some folks get “offended” and somehow manufacture artificial outrage when a stereotype is justified? It truly can't be that there's a hell of a lot of truth in stereotypes?

WTF! Finally, why is it I know that you know where to send the hate mail?