PORCUS PITCHFORK | WTF!!!
WTF! So you sunk to new depths and finally made it to this page. Great! Now, since you're here on your bosses dime anyway, head on over to: The Porcus Pitchfork
PORCUS' PONDERINGS, DEEP THOUGHTS, FLASHBACKS
AND PET PEEVES
PIG's resident choirboy and publisher, the normally gun-shy Porcus comes out of the closet - kicking, clawing, scratching and screaming, "WTF!!!"
For some time now, the following notions have been gathering dust and cobwebs in the Porcus skull cavity, pretty much doing nothing but festering like an unlanced boil.
This stuff is not made up, but instead, is a compilation of observations and actual experiences, so before those most 'racist' and 'sexist' PIG slings and arrows come flying my way, consider that some of the following may have been experienced, witnessed or even thought of by you, too.
Some of the following examples have Porcus scratching his head. Some have Porcus laughing his ass off. Then there are some that just out and out piss Porcus off to no end.
But all of them, no doubt, have Porcus just saying, "WTF?!?"
Hang on to your hot dogs, as we venture forth into The Porcus Netherworld of Observations in Human Nature and Behavior.
WTF! Why is it that when a Black or Hispanic comedian impersonate a white guy, they all seem to borrow or pass around the same efemminate, straight out of central casting atypical white guy.?
Usually and predictably, it's the same WASPY, uptight, monotone sounding, suburbanite white guy, or the same hayseed, rustic or redneck. Sure, they get their laughs, chuckles and high all around. Personally, I never knew that Black or Hispanics regard Whitey so one-dimensional. However, if a white comedian shows real diversity and had the nads to impersonate a ‘stereo typical’ Black or Hispanic, complete with either an ethnically sounding Hispanic with a Spanglish accent, a black with an Ebonic, ‘hood-like, or pimpish, Huggy Bear inflection, he would be given the tar and feather treatment, complete with an appearance and protest by Al $harpton and maybe even Eric Holder.
WTF! Speaking of Eric Holder, he made a speech in which ne called America (That really means you, Whitey) a “Nation of Cowards” and will stand by his words, which were:
“I wouldn’t walk away from that speech,” Holder told ABC News in an interview. “I think we are still a nation that is too afraid to confront racial issues,” he said, adding that Americans are still hesitant to reach out to “one another across the color line [to] talk about racial issues.”
In Feb. 2009, in his first speech after taking office, Holder told a crowd gathered at the Justice Department to celebrate Black History Month, “Though this nation has proudly thought of itself as an ethnic melting pot, in things racial we have always been and continue to be, in too many ways, essentially a nation of cowards.”
Well Mrs. Holder, here are some historical facts about “cowards”:
The Price in Blood!
Casualties in the Civil War
At least 618,000 Americans died in the Civil War, and some experts say the toll reached 700,000. The number that is most often quoted is 620,000. At any rate, these casualties exceed the nation's loss in all its other wars, from the Revolution through Vietnam.
The Union armies had from 2,500,000 to 2,750,000 men. Their losses, by the best estimates:
The Confederate strength, known less accurately because of missing records, was from 750,000 to 1,250,000. Its estimated losses:
The leading authority on casualties of the war, Thomas L. Livermore, admitting the handicap of poor records in some cases, studied 48 of the war's battles and concluded:
Of every 1,000 Federals in battle, 112 were wounded.
Of every 1,000 Confederates, 150 were hit.
Mortality was greater among Confederate wounded, because of inferior medical service. The great battles, in terms of their toll in dead, wounded, and missing is listed on this site:
The Ten Costliest Battles of the Civil War
Some of the great blood baths of the war came as Grant drove on Richmond in the spring of 1864- Confederate casualties are missing for this campaign, but were enormous. The Federal toll:
The Wilderness, May 5-7:
Spotsylvania, May 10 and 12:
Drewry's Bluff, May 12-16
Cold Harbor, June 1-3:
Petersburg, June 15-30
WTF! You gotta hand it Texas Governor Rick Perry when it comes to Nads with an attitude
Tuesday, after answering to 2 flimsy felony charges and turning himself in for booking and mug shots, Perry went out for ice cream cones with his staff.
What a way for a man of his position to basically say, “F**k You” to those that brought charges against him.
Ice cream cones? How damn cool is that? I’ll tell you. You can replace that old expression, “Cool as a cucumber” with “Cooler than a Rick Perry Ice Cream Cone On A Hot Texas Day.”
WTF! I guess ice cream cones are the new way to stay cool and say WTF! with attitude.
WTF! Once in a while The Free State Of PIG is about solutions and I just may have one for the folks in Ferguson, MO. Bear with me.
Remember when and how U.S. troops apprehended Manuel Noriega in Panama? If you don’t know, here’s what the commanding officer did. He wheeled in stacks of speakers and began playing the same heavy metal song over and over and over very loud until Noriega surrendered. Very effective.
Now about the Ferguson situation. I propose the same psychological tactic, but instead of adrenaline inciting music, they play – and don’t laugh – Christmas music. That’s right. Christmas music. Those songs have a very calming and soothing effect on people.
Perhaps one song can make a potential looter drop his/her brick and realize how screwed up it is to basically make their own neighborhood a war zone.
Once again about solutions, maybe that person will hang onto the brick and hurl it at Je$$e and/or Al $harpton in hopes of them and their mooching ways getting the hell out of town with their riot inspiring ways.
WTF! Just thoughts.
WTF! I was watching some late night TV on one of those sleepless nights and wished there was something, anything to just knock me out for the night.
Then a commercial comes on advertising what appears to be a great, all natural sleeping aid. I thought that that product just might work. I think I'll go out and get some. It then dawned on me that it was 1:00 am and the local pharmacy is closed for the night.
WTF! My beef isn't with the pharmacy, it's with the dumbshit media buyers that pick the midnight hour to advertise a sleep aid product. Talk about bad timing.
WTF! Next time I'm sleepless,I think I'll pay Chuey a visit for a bag of some 'medicinals.'
WTF! I turned on the TV news the other morning and saw what looked to be a Gaza-style scene complete with fire, explosions and much smoke. Then, I realized, that’s not the Gaza Strip, that’s Ferguson, Mo. Apparently, some protesters took it upon themselves to loot and vandalize their own neighborhood and toss rocks, bricks, bottles and Molotov cocktails and other assorted fire bombs at the cops.
WTF! Don’t some people know that when all hell breaks loose in the streets, cops with riot gear usually show up, locked and loaded. Well, it seems as if the cops’ best efforts aren’t really working in this case, so here is what I propose.
One: Drop leaflets urging the looters to kindly knock it the f**k off, or else.
Two: Since that won’t work, as if that silly notion ever would, drop job applications in an attempt at an outreach to help better themselves and their local community.
Three: Hire some lion tamers, complete with the red blazer, top hat, chair and whips and…Oops! I forgot the historical significance of whips. My bad.
Four: Here’s the “Or else.” Show up with bulldozers, assault vehicles, Guardsmen, bullhorns and Whoopi Goldberg in hopes of scaring the Be-Jesus out them.
WTF! Maybe option four would work. After all, they all have brand new Nikes that they just helped themselves to during their looting sprees that they can run with,
WTF! Just thoughts, OK?
WTF! With no disrespect to Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman, comedic kings of one-liners especially regarding marital issues, I thought I would toss my hat into the ring with some ball and chain zingers of my own.
Here is my most humble and feeble attempt at expressing some marital thoughts and observations:
"My wife is easy on the eyes, but dammit, she's murder on my ears, wallet, blood pressure, reputation, credit rating, sanity. and my girlfriend." - Porcus
"My father-in-law made a big mistake in raising my wife. I really wish he said it was OK to run around with scissors, sharp objects and just for kicks, encourage her to stick them in electrical sockets." - Porcus
"Why is it that when the Mrs. and me go shopping and a drop dead gorgeous woman gives me a flirtatious wink, wave and smile and I acknowledge the hottie in aisle 3, wife won't say a word...for about 3 weeks. Then, when you get home from work and wife who has stored this in memory banks erupts like a volcano and asks if I still think "She's" pretty. When I ask who is "She?" wife says you know godamned well who "She" is, "She" was that beautiful woman at the market. I reply, "Oh, now I remember! So you thought she was pretty too?" That's when the iron skillet comes out and I run for my life, to any hottie in aisle 3." - Porcus
"Saw a bumper sticker years ago that read "Life is a bitch, then you marry one." Well ladies, no offense, but some of you are and I'll do some 'splaining before you go Lorena Bobbit on me. See, by definition a bitch is a female dog. There are also two-legged bitches of the humanoid form and when you get in your moods, your man needs to build you an extra special residence called a dog house and keep you on a very short leash and toss you a bone. Just don't use us as your chew toys." - Porcus
"I guess I got lucky. My wife has never complained about me leaving the toilet seat up or down. See, in her eyes I pee in her bowl of Wheaties every day, metaphorically speaking, at least as far as she knows" - Porcus
"I always thought Motel 6 and Tom "We'll leave the lights on for you" Bodett should have a men's special. WTF is that? Well, Duh and double duh. It's for dudes who, when their sweetie is OTR (On The Rag) and they offer 4 days of a safe getaway complete with a safe haven, peace and quiet, all the sports a dude can ask for on cable, all at a dudes only discount rate, all for that time of month when a woman's only purpose is to inflict their special brand of misery to anyone within earshot or the same zip code or hemisphere. I would call it "The Great Escape" plan." - Porcus
"I have a nickname for my wife. It's "One Way." WTF is that, you ask? Well, her father bought her a ticket OUT of her country of origin. The ticket was one way in order to get her out of his hair and into mine." - Porcus
"I was speaking to one of my sister-in-laws about my wife and asked, "Why wasn't she stamped or tattooed with a cautionary warning sign for ANYONE she came in contact with?" Shit, they do that for cigarettes, booze, guns and explosives, why not her?" My sister-in-law just nodded in agreement." - Porcus
"If women were not so anatomically different, attractive and alluring most would be extinct." - Porcus
WTF! I'll save the best for last before I am admistered my last rites, a blindfold and cigarette. Here goes:
"The power of women is so strong, one pussy hair can drag the Titanic with all engines in reverse all the way across the Sahara Desert." Porcus
WTF! I have to go put my ball and chain back on, bow my head in a submissive manner, put on my apron and high heels and pray that I still have some chest hairs tomorrow morning. If you really need to find me, I'll be in aisle 3.
WTF! I don’t know what the Marvel Comics morons are smoking, drinking, shooting in their veins or inserting into intimate orifices, but someone(s) has made some crappy decisions regarding the identities and personas of comic book heroes. Cases in point are the characters of Thor and Captain America.
Thor is now going to be Transgender Thor, complete with a rack of bitch tits that will be drawn with comic book proportions, accentuating his/her/it’s gender identity all in the name of P.C. inanity in order to portray a, strong transgender presence. That’s just so sweet, thoughtful, trendy and….sorry, just got administered with a swift kick of reality.
WTF! When Little Johnny sees this boatload of bullshit, perhaps he too, will be transgenderally confused as Hormonal Thorazina or the idiots that conjured up this mess. The only upshot would be Thorazina would have enhanced superpowers only a he-she could have if he-she is taking it’s female hormones. Imagine the combination or male strength and female hormones when he-she wields it’s hammer in a blinding female hormonal rage and unleashes that angst against the evil-doers of the world.
Now about Captain America. He too will be reinvented or portrayed as a black man. That’s a novel thought, too, but why not have the ‘creatives’ over at Marvel simply create a new character?
WTF! I forgot, creativity and originality are a lost art, but I thought “Why not really bend over and call him Captain African-American Man in the name of political correctness?
WTF! This just goes to show that political correctness is much like water and electricity. It follows the path of least resistance, but unlike water and electricity, political correct seeks fly-by-night, trendy notions and approval.
WTF! Bend over, PIGsters, Burger King is introducing the Proud Burger, aimed at celebrating gayness, gay pride, and insatiable, carnivorous GLAAD-BAAGer’s.
Yep, it’s even wrapped in a rainbow patterned wrapper which reads: “We are all the same on the inside.”
Well WTF! Isn’t that delicious? Bun Rangers in the San Francisco (Surprise, surprise darlings!!!) area are probably marking this as a major milestone in their ‘struggle’ for equality and recognition. I guess their 'struggle' is now complete, now that GLAAD-BAGs can relish in sinking their teeth into a greasy piece of meat that’s been inserted between some soggy buns.
Now that’s some real ‘Flame’ Broiled fun, huh?
WTF! Let’s say some other well known fast food chains follow suit in the same spirit?
Long John Silver’s or Arthur Treacher’s Fish ‘N Chips could feature Bearded Clams for male and female carpet munchers to celebrate their ‘pride.’
Weinerschnitzel could have a Foot-Long Dong Day Afternoon Dog for the well endowed male and the women that love ‘em, too.
Makes me wonder what Baskin-Robbins has up their sleeves for banana splits.
WTF! Burning question time. What makes the Proud Whopper any different than the regular, in-the-closet, homophobic Whopper? Is it the ‘special’ sauce it ‘comes’ with it? Pun way intended.
WTF! I guess all Burger King needs now is a nifty slogan for their new Proud Burger. “You Can’t Beat BK’s Meat.”
The way I see this whole thing is that the only major chain that would win this pissing contest would be Cinnabons. After all, everyone, gay, straight, confused or otherwise likes a nice, hot piece of sugary bun.
WTF! When a married couple, both working, decide to get a divorce and the wife is granted alimony or spousal support, does that make her a prostitute for services rendered even though she is fully capable of earning her own living?
Perhaps she is an extortionist, trying to squeeze HIM out of every nickel and dime he's got just for the sake of watching him suffer and squirm?
When the judge orders him to pay up, does that make the judge a pimp...oops, I mean advocate for a system that not only fosters legal and judicial prostitution/extortion but encourages women to wring him dry, even though she wants nothing more to do with him except his monthly check. Of course, she is free to take his money and spend it on the pool boy, golf pro or ski instructor for as long as she stays unmarried.
WTF! A system that rewards women just for being women is truly meant to suck...men dry of their money and manhood.
WTF! This one is from the Porcus Files listed under Neighbors From Hell. We've all had at least one inflict their special brand of joy for everyone within earshot.
This time, it's Porcus and his new neighbor of only one month is a prime example.
1.) She moves in with her barking bundle of joy and immediately demands structural changes to the property so that little Fido would have a place to play, shit, piss and bark while she is at work. That would have been a major inconvenience to me. Fortunately, her request was denied.
2.) She always comes over bumming smokes. That ended, too as we have just 'quit' like 5 minutes ago.
3.) She comes over and is begging for my computer password. That is a definite "Hell f**king no."
4.) The latest was the other day, when she took her four legged fleabag for an unleashed walk across my lawn, sniffing, pissing, and whatever else dogs do.
WTF! That was the last straw. I immediately shot up, grabbed the hose and began watering my lawn as she quickly retreated to her place.
WTF! I wish I could tell you that that's the last of her disregard for her neighbors, but something tells me I'll have to keep you posted.
TF! This just came our way and we thought we would share it with you: It's the 4 Letter 'F' Word.
There are times when the 4 letter ‘F’ word is not only desirable, but quite frankly it can be the ONLY word in the English Language that accurately describes some situations.
Check out the following examples:
The 4 Letter Word Is
Of Course! What else did you think it was?
WTF! We've all had friends or so-called friends that ask for personal loans for whatever reason. To some we say yes, to some we say no. Sometimes we have to admit that we would love to help but that we are currently strapped.
Then there are the types where you know in advance when they say they want to meet in person and we already know why. They want to put the pinch on us. They humbly ask, promising to pay the principle amount, plus interest back within two weeks.
The prospective borrowee already knows that ain't gonna happen, but I have a viable solution.
What one ought to do is check out their Facebook page and see how many 'friends' they have. If, in my case a certain person tries to borrow some money, I'll simply say, "Well you've got over 900+ 'friends' on Facebook, why don't you ask them. Plus your brother has 1,100 + 'friends', hit them up, too.
That's how to weed out real friends. When you say no to them, they will never even call you back, ever. In fact, by virtue of you saying no to them you become an all-time piece of shit tight wad.
WTF! a good indication of insecurity and desperation can be based on how many 'friends' another has on Facebook as opposed to the ones they have in the real world.
WTF! A Girl Scout gone wild on cookie sales? You bet.
Seems as if 13 year old Danielle Lei, and her mother, had the brilliant idea of driving up and exceeding her sales quota by setting up a Girl Scout cookie sales stand outside of a marijuana clinic where she sold 117 boxes of cookies within hours.
To make matters better for young Danielle, the Girls Scouts fully endorsed her most entreprenueurial idea and venue.
WTF! I suppose this is one of those "Why didn't I think of that" moments. A friend of a friend had told me of the appetite stimulating effects of marijuana, otherwise known as the munchies.
Talk about location, our hats are off to such an ambitious youngster like Danielle and the Girls Scouts.
WTF! I have a friend of mine that claims to be eco-friendly, not eco-tarded, but every time she sees me flick a cigarette butt in the gutter I get the usual "You know that goes straight to the ocean and harms the fish" type of lecture.
What she does to protect the environment is carry plastic bags in her purse to dispose of any thing from styrofoam containers to plastic wrap and toss the plastic bags into the nearest dumpster or trash can, All fine, but what eventually happens to crap in dumpsters end up in landfills, where real estate developers build tract homes or condos. All built on toxins, which eventually may harm the residents of the former landfill.
WTF! I further explained that everytime you flush a toilet or use Drano down the sink, that crap goes straight to the little fishies in the deep blue sea too, and is even more toxic than a tiny little cigarette butt. I went on to explain that some marine animals will eat anything. Alligators, crocodiles and sharks will eat anything from licence plates to beer cans, so WTF is the harm in a little shit cigarette butt.
WTF! I like nice clean air, healthy surroundings and clean drinking water like everyone else, but for someone to focus on something so minor as a cigarette butt is somewhat petty, considering all of the other major environmental violators that rountinely pollute rivers, lakes, oceans and the air we breathe.
WTF! Gotta go. I'm going to spark up a smoke. Cigarette butt, my ass!
WTF! There is a show on the Food Network called Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives starring Guy Fieri. Fieri travels the country in his Camaro and visits local eateries and samples their specialty dishes.
His usual comments after sampling the local cuisine are phrases like “That is the Bomb” or “This is so good it’s just out of bounds” or “Shut the front door.”
That’s all good and we like Guy Fieri, but just once after sampling a cook’s ‘specialty’ that is not quite palatable, I would to like to hear him say “WTF is this? I wouldn’t serve this crap to a starving Somalian.”
Or “WTF, dude. The only thing this slop is good for is to spackle the wall or bondo a car.”
Or, “Hand me the phone and get me the number to the local poison control center.”
Or, “This shit has so much grease on it, I can use it for my next oil change.”
Or, “Pass the barf bag and call the EPA.”
WTF! That would be brutal honesty and quite a critique.
WTF! PIGsters, don't take this the wrong way, but this has to do with a very serious medical issue.
Being diagnosed with Alzhiemers disease is no PIGish or laughing matter, either to the patient or their family. Horrible disease.
I was spending a little WTF! time in what's left of my brain and was wondering, with all of these ads for Viagra and ED, why doesn't the medical community call ED what it is, Ballzhiemers disease?
WTF! With all of the ads for beer, wine and other hard spirits on TV that have the usual, obligatory disclaimer that say "Be sure to drink responsibly," most likely for legal purposes, but what about dope dealers?
When they sell you their goodies on a street corner, do they ever say, "Shoot that heroin resonsibly?"
Do they ever tell you to snort that cocaine responsibly?
Do they ever warn you to smoke that crack or crystal meth responsibly?
The thing is if these peddlers and pushers of any kind poison another chooses and wants that persons that continued business, they ought to consider telling prospective customers to shoot, snort or smoke, whatever, responsibly.
WTF! In this week’s Top Story PIG’s most esteemed executive editor made comments about Porcus’ Pinup Page and hinted that I’m violating my own editorial policy regarding PIG being family friendly by posting images of women in the nude.
Well, his comments are always welcome and appreciated, but all I’m doing by posting on that page is sharing artwork and photography of women in their natural beauty as captured by the artists and photographers.
WTF! Who am I kidding. I’m releasing and discovering my Inner Hugh Hefner and liking it… a lot and having fun doing it.
I make no apologies for posting that page and if anyone doesn’t like it, change your own channels and leave the page.
WTF! My question to anyone that over analyzes and drools on that page, but gets critical, is what the hell are you doing there in the first place?
WTF! California just passed a bill allowing border jumpers to obtain a drivers license. Real nifty, but why stop there?
Let's give them free get out of jail free cards for the times they get get nailed for getting into an accident without insurance? Speaking of insurance, why not give them free insurance, too?
WTF! Why stop there. Why not offer up pilots licenses, boating licenses, etc. I was just being silly, however, operating a vehicle is not a right, it's a f**king privlege which involves testing of basic motor skills.
WTF! The real issue is the fact that ILLEGALS are being permitted to drive our streets, legally. The other issue is that this was even considered in the first place and just who the hell died and voted for this load of shit.
WTF! If I had my way, illegals should be allowed to ride donkeys, magic carpets, rickshaws straight back to their country of origin.
WTF! When Thomas Jefferson wrote in the second paragraph of The Declaration Of Independence the following:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
I was wondering why he didn't include the pursuit of misery and making others miserable.
WTF! Maybe he knew that some people pursue their own version happiness by being miserable and spreading that brand of their happiness to all around.
WTF! Just wondering about the definition of "The pursuit of happiness."
WTF! We've all experienced some loudmouth armed with a cellphone they use in public to let the entire surrounding innocents verbally know as to what every intimate detail of their pathetic lives are, right?
The other morning, very early, someone took cell phone etiquitte to a new low. I'm loitering on my front porch after doing some household stuff and I hear a very loud voice about half a block away.
At first I dismissed it. Then the loud talking got louder and louder and the sound got closer and closer to my personal space. Naturally, the Gods of Peace and Quiet were either snoozing, texting or tweeting because Mr. Numbnuts On A Cell Phone had to, no, really had to stop right in front my place and get even louder. And louder. And louder with no regard or courtesy for anyone within earshot to hear about his stupid cell phone yammering.
Well, since he insisted unknowingly to disturb my peace, I took it upon myself to participate in his conversation. I ran out across my lawn and confronted the cell phone and the A-Wipe connected to it. At the top of my lung, I yelled, "Hey, say hello for me, too!!!!!"
He got the hint and crossed the street to avoid me. But not missing a beat, he kept on yapping away for all to hear as he continued walking and talking, again, with no regard for anyone around him.
WTF! Long story short, why do we need a license to drive a car, own a firearm, get married, even go fishing, but there are no tests or requirements for idiots and assholes to own and abuse cell phone privleges and inflict little shit, petty ass so-called personal dramas on a cell phone to an unsuspecting public?
WTF! Am I the only one that has noticed recent ads on TV pushing food stamps and free cell phone programs?
I suppose the New Nanny State is just getting their ball rolling by pushing and encouraging a nation of parasites and panhandlers to get "free" stuff.
WTF! Free stuff! Wow! Sounds nifty on the surface, but let's get real. There are no free lunches in my world, someone pays. Why stop at food stamps, subsidised housing, and cell phones, let's really put this in gear and offer up free day spa sessions, gift certificates, luxury cruises, a Moochelle wardrobe and staff, and all the gubment cheese and Top Ramen they can eat.
WTF! Free bling, huh? Well, I suppose I should get off my high horse and be a little more benevolent and quit squirming, kicking and screaming when I go to my CPA to get my taxes done. I guess I'm a real bad guy for complaining.
WTF! This is for dudes. Why the hell do women always point out a guy's most personal and intimate shortcomings when they do laundry?
Men and women know this ritual by heart. She does a total inspection of my 'friends' boxer shorts, sticks her nose in it and waves my 'friends' boxer shorts in front of her Oprahalic girlfriends like a victory flag and declares with sob sisters, "Look what he does, isn't that stinky?"
WTF! Dudes. Here's where you get way even. According to my 'friend' he got really fed up and got even. He did his own laundry hamper inspection, found her undies, complete with skidmarks and stains, and displayed them publicly for all to see.
Payback is a bitch, but vengeance is soooo sweet, according to my 'friend.'
WTF! We've all been at the mercy of being put on hold and listening to what passes for music/muzak/elevator tunes while on the phone, right?
The insomnia-inducing music is periodically interrupted with a recording that usually says: "Thank you for waiting. All of our customer service representatives are currently with another client. One will be with you shortly."
WTF! it's bad enough to be put on hold, but to be subjected to that droned out music is like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
WTF! Why not replace what passes for music with some comedic out takes, one liners, observations and WTF's! from George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Rodney Dangerfield, Cheech & Chong or Richard Pryor and his F-Bombs? Can you imagine the look on your Aunt Tillie's face when George Carlin recites "The Seven Dirty Words" while on hold waiting for an AARP customer service rep?
WTF! Why stop with just audio/phone service. Use a Skype type of hook-up to watch You Tube clips of your favorite funnymen and funnywomen while-u-wait.
WTF! If that ever happened, I would be on the phone on a daily basis to my new pal Singh in Calcutta to remedy my Verizon technical problems.
WTF! Wanna have some PIGish, infidel-style fun at a Mecca Maniacs expense?
The next time you're in a restaurant and spot a Muslim having a meal, simply walk up to their table, politely introduce yourself, point to his plate and shout, loudly, "I see Mohammed's image in the mashed potatoes on that plate! Quick, Little Johnny, get the camera and post it on Facebook or Ebay and sell it to the highest bidder!"
Let's not stop there.
Another way to ruin a Mecca Maniacs meal is to again, walk up to their table and ask, "Hey, how do you know that the last person to use that plate wasn't a pork chop eating infidel?"
PIGish fun for the whole family.
WTF! Sometimes I really do have too much time on my hands.
WTF! This week Mexifornia showed it's contempt for U.S. immigration laws and threw a bone at Illegal Border Jumpers by signing into law, SB 60, which will grant Illegals a chance to get a driver's license, thus becoming 'Street Legal Illegals.'
Just what California needs, huh? A four-wheeled MAD MAX-ICAN-style chaotic convoy further clogging and congesting the freeways and adding to the already shitty smog problem.
Having a legal right to drive DOES NOT make anyone a safe driver. Period. In fact, this piece of crap legislation may just offer a dangerous false sense of security for previously unlicensed drivers and anyone (driver or pedistrian) that happens to be in their way.
How long before Border Jumpers and Colonista Coddlers lobby for special exemptions from carrying basic insurance and registrations?
Hell, in Los Angeles, if any illegal gets it's car impounded, certain criteria that apply to everyone else to get their car out of impound are waived for Illegals.
Well, that's alright, really. In fact I'm practically doing cartwheels in the streets over this wilted worm in the tequila bottle.
WTF have I been smoking? I'll explain why there could be a silver lining in all of this.
First, Border Jumper has to take a test at the DMV, and you can bet your burritos that their test WON'T be administered in English.
Once they pass the written test, they have to demonstrate basic driving abilities and here's where the fun begins.
Instruct Border Jumper to drive to their residence where they round up their wife, army of kids, aunts, uncles, pregnant cousins, roosters, donkeys, etc., and load them into the vehicle.
Get on I-5 and head south for the border. Cross Mexican border and continue driving south until they arrive at THE END OF THE LEGAL IMMIGRATION LINE.
Have them exit the vehicle in the middle of nowhere, grab the keys and say "Adios. See you when you're street legal!"
WTF! Problem solved? probably not, but one can dream, huh?
WTF! At long last! The hiring criteria for Hooters revealed!
WTF! The other day I found myself in couch potato mode, parked in front of the TV. I flipped through the channels and came across The Jerry Springer Show. The format of the show is to display the lowest common denominator of a cross section of white trailer trash to wig wearing 'Afro-Can-American Shanequas, all geared up for a fist fight over a lovers quarrel.
WTF! When Billy-Joe confesses to his shotgun bride Daisy May that he slept with their other cousin, Sandpaper Sally, Daisy-May usually cleans Billy-Joe's clock with a right hook. What if, when Daisy-May telegraphed her first punch, Billy-Joe summoned and utilized his inner-Chuck Norris and had the nads to block Daisy-Mays punch, resulting in daisy-May getting a bruise on her forearm? Would he be busted for domestic battery for defending himself, on TV?
WTF! Just wondering and also waiting to see that on TV.
WTF! We've all seen those cooking segments on the morning news, or even tuned in to the Food Network from time to time. Featured are anyone from a world renowned chef to a backyard Bar-B-Que Grillmaster with their latest culinary concoctions.
When the finished product is displayed and then tasted, the taster, (guinea pig) usually rolls his or her eyes up in ecstasy, does cartwheels down the street or in the studio and declares the dish a rousing two thumbs up, "Yummy!"
WTF! Can you imagine if, on live TV, someone who suffers from Brutal Honesty Syndrome, takes a whiff, then a taste and says. "WTF is this s**tty gruel?!? This pile of crap on the plate is so rotten and unpalatable, I wouldn't even feed this to my in-laws."
WTF! If that ever happened, I would say, "Now we're cookin'."
WTF! I do not want this page to be a national police blotter, but with the recent outbreaks of violence throughout the U.S., I thought it was high time the Free State Of PIG weighed in.
Some of the incidents have made national and international headlines, and become all too common.
Item #1: An 89 year old WWII veteran, Delbert "Shorty" Belton was fatally beaten by two thugs while waiting for a friend in a Spokane, Washington parking lot. One thug, Demetrius Glenn turned himself in. The other, Kenan D. Adams-Kinard is still at large.
Item #2: In Duncan, Oklahoma, Australian collegiate student, Chris Lane was fatally shot by Chancey Allen Luna, 16 and James Edwards Jr, 15 who have been charged with first degree murder. A third accomplice, Michael Dewayne Jones, 17 was also charged with being an accessory.
Item #3: A Columbus, Ohio woman was brutally raped in her own home and left for dead after being stabbed 14 times by David Hudson.
Item #4: A Middleton, New Jersey woman was stabbed more than a dozen times while shopping at a Bed, Bath and Beyond by Tyrik Haynes.
Item #5: A 9 month old baby was gunned down in her stroller after the babies mother angered the killer by saying she had no money to give him.
Item #6: A 36-year-old Cobb, Georgia man was beaten to death by 4 attackers. Jekari Oshay Strozier, 19; Antonio Shantwan Pass, 18; and Johnathon Donald Anthony, 18 are all in the Cobb County Jail charged with murder and held without bond.
The list can go on, but can you guess what the similarities are in these attacks?
In each of these cases, the victims were white and most of the attackers were black, or, 'other than white.'
Another similarity is that there is no noise being made by black race baiters or even hard working black folks to keep their side of the street clean during the post-Treyvon verdict.
Lack of family structure, joblessness, lack of education, boredom and justice for Treyvon Martin have all been used as excuses toward this type of deplorable behavior.
Ain't gonna work. Murder is murder regardless of your past or pathetic pitiful sob stories and tales of woe at the hands of Whitey.
WTF! I wonder, where the hell are the all Hate Crime hacks and race hustlers with their manufactured outrage when a black beats and kills a white?
WTF! again! Why is it that the physical descriptions or skin colors of the attackers is never given when the attackers are black, but the media simply reports them as "teenagers" or "youths?" The media needs to grow a set and get used to calling a spade a spade.
As far as black on black crime goes, as tragic as it is, I say, stick to killing your own kind, you're doing a great job, and don't try to fix what's already working. Your Lord and Savior in the White House will see to that.
WTF! No one needs wonder any longer why there is a disproportionate ratio of blacks to non-blacks in prison or why little old ladies clutch their purses and cross the street in fear when they see suspicious looking "youths" approaching them.
WTF! Have you ever worked your ass off drafting, outlining and writing a paper, essay, thesis, personal or business letter, only to have some anal-retentive punk dismiss all of your hard work because you commited the felonious sin of not proof reading your own work for typographical or grammatical errors?
Seems as if the anal-retentive types with too much time on their hands will dismiss the point you were trying to make due to one or two errors, thus rendering your statement or arguement null and void in their petty, empty micro-world.
WTF! Your assignment if you really need a life and need to justify your existence, is to go over this entire site with a fine tooth comb and point out each and every typographical and grammatical hiccup and report back to me.
Once I get done reviewing your report and stop laughing my ass off, I'll see that you get back on your meds and recieve the proper care you deserve, punk.
I hope you read me loud and clear.
WTF! Why is it that when someone moves into a neighborhood near an airport, the first thing they do is squawk about the noise and get a petition to close the airport down?
Or, when someone buys a house next to a golf course, they complain about golf balls being line drived onto their property, sometimes through their windows?
Or, when someone gets their fancy car detailed and then parks under a tree. Leaves the car parked only to return to find the car blanketed in bird shit, then they feel the need to complain?
Or, someone buys a $400,000 townhouse situated right near the railroad tracks and shrieks about the blasted noise from the trains?
WTF! Porcus says, STFU! Those career, chronically complaining dolts knew full well in advance what they were getting into when they put themselves into those situations.
WTF! You get what you pay for, huh?
WTF! Every so often a new study comes out about the pros and cons of drinking coffee. This week revealed another negative side effect of people who drink more than four cups of coffee per day.
The new 'study' says that women under 55 are more likely to die of...anything (?!?) as a result of overdosing on coffee.
WTF! I'm no doctor and don't know a thing about this new 'study', but I do know that snobbish Starbucks addicts are more than likely to die in a car wreck from paying too much attention to their double latte topped with cinnamon and whipped cream and not enough time keeping their eyes on the road.
WTF! I do know of another health hazard for those of the snobbish Starbucks persuasion. They are more than likely to suffer from a broken nose, courtesy of a mere Joe Six-Pack mortal just for being a stuck up Starbucks slurper.
WTF! I was just wondering. If your name is Jack and you happen to be white, does that make you a Crackerjack, or a Cracker who happens to be named Jack?
Maybe Race Card Playah and Pimp Charlie "The Hustler" Rangel can answer that since he, Je$$e and Al know more about it and seem to be the authorities on "Crackers", Jews, oops, "Diamond Merchants" and white cops than anyone else.
While I'm on that subject, why is it that when high profile "Crackers" publicly drop N-Bombs have to go an apology tour, but when spearchuckin' and jivin' race baiting spooks make racial remarks in public, not a head is turned, and all one hears is the sound of crickets.
WTF! My Race Baiting Profiteers. You need to keep your side of the street clean before blaming "Crackers" for all of your "peeps'" ills. Also, keep in mind and be kind to the "Crackers" that sign your checks and keep you knee deep in KFC, ribs, watermelon and ugly white women with fat asses.
WTF! This one pissed off "Cracker" is signing off and saying nighty night to the Race Card Playing and Baiting real Cracker Jacks. After all this page just got really dark today.
WTF! Why I don't like Skittles.
Easy. They're bad for your teeth and if your are "friends" of Al and Je$$e, Inc., they can be fatal.
WTF! I'll stick with M&M's or 'Nilla Wafers and Wonder bread and mayonaisse sandwiches and Ranch dressing. Seems a lot safer.
WTF! I'm dying to know who came up with the term, "Yeah, right, that will happen when pigs fly."
Well, pigs and PIGs do fly. We don't have little fairy wings, but we do board aircraft, thus a PIG can and will fly. As far as our four legged porcine brethren go, stick them on a plane and they will be flying, too. Hell, bring a smoked ham or Porcus & Hambo if you dare, on a plane, get us airborn, and we're flying the friendly skies.
Proof that PIG's can fly.
Not only can we fly, we can also ride motorcycles, drive cars, operate heavy machinery and even develop the website you are currently loitering on.
WTF! We are out and among the general public, floating around. Oink!
WTF! The widow of former Navy SEAL, Chris Kyle is being sued by former human, WWF wrestler and Governor of Minnesota, Jesse "The Spineless" Ventura.
Kyle is credited as the most lethal sniper in U.S. military history and wrote a book titled, "American Sniper." In the book, he refered to someone as "Scruff Face."
Ventura read the book, knew who Kyle was refering to with the "Scruff Face" remark and encountered Chris Kyle in a California bar and began running his loose and loud mouth. Kyle in turn, with one punch, decked Mrs. Spineless.
Now Mrs. Spineless Ventura has filed a libel suit against Chris Kyle, his estate and young, grieving widow and just may pursue the lawsuit in court.
WTF! A big tough ex- human and wrestler got a well deserved punch in the face, has an emotional boo-boo and goes after a Navy SEALs wife is one hell of a subhuman, punk and pussy.
WTF! Some people really stoop new new lows, right Mrs. Spineless Ventura?
WTF! This one one pretty much takes the icing off the German cake out of Indonesia.
Some dolt had a notion to open a Nazi themed restaurant in Bandung, Indosesia. The staff were required to wear SS uniforms. Talk about a Zyklon B moment in that idiots endeveour.
Needless to say, he and his enterprise were ordered to the showers and the ovens, tragic pun not really intended, and closed shop due to public outrage by the local Indos.
When Mrs. Porcus, who hails from Indonesia heard about this, she went beyond nuclear and had some most choice thoughts and words about that idea.
I will not translate what she said in Indonesian on the pages of PIG. I will say this. Her language went way beyond colorful.
WTF! Mr. Porcus was disgusted as well and thought, the idea and concept of a Nazi themed establishment was insulting, degrading and sickening.
I will not show any pictures or images of the establishment, but if you are so inclined, click the link below:
>>> Soldatenkaffe >>>
WTF! My recent evening with the lovely, beautiful, hard working ladies of Hooters (with my wife, dammit) had me thinking about several things.
One: We have an In N' Out establishment right around the corner and Mrs. Porcus loves their service and food. We also have a Hooters outlet about half a mile beyond In N' Out.
Follow my warped thinking ladies and gentlemen. If she wants some In N' Out and dude wants Hooters, go to Hooters, enjoy the service and on the way home, toss those little blue pills called Viagra and when you get home, and give your lovely all the In N' Out you and her can handle.
WTF! Dudes, you may end up giving her a double double and don't forget some fries with the shake that will quake both of your worlds.
WTF! We've all heard of these fly-by-night fad diets and weight loss books and new excerise scams. Most don't work and the suckers that fall for these celebrity diets end up gaining even more weight after initially shedding those unwanted pounds of fat, cottage cheese thighs, beer guts and flab.
WTF! I'm going reveal several weight loss secrets that's so easy that even me can apply them. These tips come free of charge from the F.S.O.P.
Tip #1: Drop the grease burgers and pizza, skip a meal, burn some calories and take a very long walk to your nearest produce market and get all the leafy greens you can. That method takes some time but is very rewarding in the long run.
Tip #2: The fast track to weight loss. Develop a cocaine, crack or crystal meth habit and those pounds and probably your teeth will evaporate quicker than you can say "WTF happened to my life, my bank account and friends? Oh well, at least I look good in these nifty prison blues do they make me look fat?"
Tip #3: PIGsters and Kiddos, I do not advocate Tip #2 unless you're on a death wish, otherwise I would opt for Tip #1.
WTF! Nothing wrong with breaking a sweat and eating right. Remember, your most humble publisher is trying his best to sweat to the oldies and be all about solutions.
WTF! Now, drop and give me 20!
WTF! At many egghead infested universities, courses are offered in, and please don't laugh, Womyn's Studies. Can I get a rousing, "Yeah, right?"
WTF do women need to study about in those courses? How to apply nail polish? How to get their hooks in Mr. Almost Right? How to squawk about anything from how rotten their lives are and how it's all men's fault and why men are only good for unloosening caps on jars, raking leaves, pleasing them to the woman's never satisfied standards in any way? Probably.
WTF! Let's just say your most humble, but always PIGish publisher had too much extra time and enrolled in a Womyn's Studies course. What would ensue?
First, I would walk into the classroom that could be considered hostile ground by virtue of me being a man, take my seat and get ready for the bombardment from the man hating shrews.
Scenario would go as such: After being found guilty of being a ...gasp! man. After they get done shreiking at me, I'll explain that yes, I do have hair on my chest, facial hair, and another tool of anatomy that Womyn can't have but are jealous of, and are wishing men to be extinct or submit and get a good old fashioned pussy whipping
Then, your most humble servant of the Free State Of PIG would scratch his ass, and in defense would say, "Hey, I love women. I want to study them, but where the hell are the strippers poles, Victoria's Secret and Hooters gals that are most worthy of a study? That's what I call research, all in the name of academia, of course.
After I tip toe out of the class, I would leave with a parting shot based on Rush Limbaugh, and it goes as such. "I love womens' movements, especially while looking from the front end or back end."
I would have to say something to all the man hating shrews and it would go as such: "Shake it, babes. Men need WOMEN, Not Womyn."
WTF! Porcus couldn't sleep the other night, so he stumbled into his living room, flicked on the remote, and "Holy Don't Touch My Dodge Or My Stuff," there's Al Bundy dispensing his pearls of wisdom with neighbor Jefferson about both of their wives impending pregnancies and how their wive's are nagging them to death.
Here is the dialoge that ensued, and if you don't hear from me, it's because Mrs. Porcus got wind of this posting, and is going to go Peg Bundy on your most humble publisher who is soon to have an address in The Dog House for this.
Ready? WTF! I'll post it and take one for the team with the following:
Jefferson: "Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car that was just wrecked."
Al: "Well, luckily Peg pulls into self service."
Dudes, you know exactly what I just posted, and I already know that you're looking over your shoulders with wife hovering, complete with hair rollers and rolling pins, and you're going to blame me for spreading the truth. WTF!
Don't blame me. Don't even blame a TV show.
Why? You all have had the same sentiments as just posted. However, if you happen to see a set of testicles on your front porch, kindly return them to me. Or, if you need a set, borrow what's left of mine and see how long they last.
WTF! Why is it that Satan gets demonized by us mere mortals, when he's really doing God's dirty work by providing a fiery Bed & Breakfast and baby sitting and pitchforking service for scumbags that deserve an eternal slow, slow roasting over the coals?
WTF! If you really believe in eternal life after a long and productive life, regardless of your faith would you want to have the likes of really (not) good neighbors like anyone involved from the instigators of the Spanish Inquistion to history's real Gummy Bears like Tojo, Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, Judas Iscariot, Mussolini, Jimmy Carter, Dr. Mengle, Charles Manson, Barak Obama, or even Rosie O'Donnel as your eternal roomates?
WTF! I can't speak for anyone but me, but I'll take those fluffy clouds any day and actually at the least, acknowledge Satan's service as evictor of human dirt and future landlord and babysitter of scum to accomodate those that will never get past The Pearly Gates.
WTF! Give Satan his due for doing the ultimate dirty job, all just for his old pal, God.
WTF! Why the hell is it that when you're a dude on the hunt, women can sniff your desperation a mile away and completely ignore you, but the minute you're seen walking hand in hand or arm in arm with a total babe, you become a hot commodity?
WTF, ladies can you answer me that? Why do I wonder? Damn glad you tuned in and I'll explain.
I like to sit on my front porch and enjoy my lawn and garden and say hi to the little old ladies, winos and other assorted neighbors and defects and ugly people of my ilk that pass by. That's when I'm by myself.
That's all fine. They are people too. But, the minute Mrs. Porcus shows up, the entire Swedish Bikini Team, Miss U.S.A., The Asian Mud Wrestling Team show up, walk by, wave, wink smile and use their female charms to make me look twice, all the time knowing I can look but no can touch? Talk about torture and dangling a piece of meat in front of a hungry tiger.
So, WTF ladies, please explain why is it that you pay no attention to men when they are alone, but when you spot them with a knockout, drop dead gorgeus woman like mine (had to say that to get me off the hook and out of the doghouse) we become desirable commodities on the meet/meat market?
WTF! Just wondering.
WTF! My last posting was about women, but here's an age old question for men and women whom I don't know who can answer this, but I have my suspicions.
Who the hell designs women's dresses and bras? Why do I wonder? Follow me on another notion, observation and comment.
Ladies. How many times have you gotten all dolled up for a special evening out with your man, with that stunning dress, wanting to look perfect only to ask, as usual, at the last damn minute to ask your man to zip you up from the back of your dress?
WTF, dudes. It's always everytime, right? Ladies and gentlemen, the men always do that and usually tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are and you end up having a great evening.
That's way cool, but here's the WTF! part.
You both come home, start getting hot and heavy and she asks you to unzip the back of her dress. You do that, happily, and then things begin to get on the romantic side and she lovingly asks if you can unhook her bra. You, dudes, are thinking holy smokes, this is going be the icing on the cake of a nice evening, but there's a little snag. It's called the bra hook.
WTF! You're thinking hot dog, I'm rounding third and about to slide into home but that pesky bra hook gets in the way. That's when you curse the person that invented the bra hook and scream, "Who the hell invented this damn thing."
Ladies, especially, and gentelmen, how often has that lttle bra hook hindered a nice evening of mutual amourous enjoyment?
Too many is the answer and can I get an amen for calling out the A-Wipe that invented that killjoy device?
But, WTF! Gotta ask the ladies. If you can somehow manage the one handed snapping on of the bra, why rely on clueless men when you are already holding the keys to the kindom and ultimate Man Cave and act as if you don't know how to take the damn thing off?
WTF! Just wondering, as I'm not even going to try and figure this mystery out.
WTF! Here's a real quick hit and run hit piece and question. WTF is a "minority" these days? Is it Whitey, Darky, Brownie, Slant Eye?
Nope. WTF! Wanna take a wild guess? It's the rare breed called an individual.
WTF! Chew on that, because that's real food for thought.
WTF! This is not a test! It's a real drill and public health concern and advisory.
Here's the news. Hambo is off his meds and escaped from his PIG confines, chewed through the short leash and has been spotted unsupervised rambling and wandering among the general public.
Before going into panic mode and saying, "The horror!" just remember, today is National Donut Day, and the aroma of a fresh donut in the hands of trained professionals and S.W.A.T. members, the lure alone may talk him off the ledge.
I provided the proper authorities with Hambo's most recent photos, pictured, and yes that's him on his meds when he's mellow, and have now been released to the public.
The image to the right indicates he's in a normal, Hambo mood.
He looks harmless enough...at first glance in that pic, but that's the "Before" shot.
Wanna see him in all of his glory when he's unsupervised? No? That's what I thought, but I'll show you anyway.
There he is, below, doing his annual cheesecake shot for the fellas at the garage in all of his glory.
He's pictured with his cherished Al Franken bunny rabbit suit and diapers and really enjoying his meds day off, just being Hambo, I guess.
Sorry, but that's the "After" shot of Hambo unleashed, spicing it up for the cameras in front of a car.
If seen, proceed with caution, don't call the cops, call me and I'll see to it that he gets proper attention and enough donuts to put him and an elephant into a sugar induced coma.
Wait! Whew. Lucky day. He was brought back safely and no one was hurt. Great! But I gotta ask before putting my fingers in front of him with a donut, "Hey Hambo, can I have those boots and bunny ears back?"
WTF! Visual vandalism seems to be everywhere these days and it's gotten to the point where not many people raise an eyebrow over that eyesore called graffiti.
When a Mom-and Pop corner store get gang-tagged with illegible chicken scrawlings that only low-life gang bangers/taggers can understand, no one seems to care and not a peep can be heard.
Recently however, at an Agoura Hills high school outside of Los Angeles, a News Nit-Wit breaking non-story alert interrupted my TV viewing to inform almost all of Southern California that someone spray painted racial slurs on campus.
WTF! We all know the usual Educrats, News Nit-Wits and students alike are going to express (either sincere or manufactured) concern over what is now considered 'Hate Speech' or a 'Hate Crime' and the situation is Code: Red!
WTF! Breaking news? For a racial slur spray painted on a wall?
Initial reactions and blame regarding 'Hate Speech' usually go to Disgruntled Whitey, but in this particular case, it was suspected that a black student scrawled the racially charged slurs in order to get transferred to a school with a better basketball program.
My apologies for the digression and back to our story:
In my humble opinion when the News Nit-Wits focus is turned on 'kids being stupid kids' at school, and NOT the hard working, taxpaying Mom-and-Pop store getting tagged and defiled, that is the crime in the form of a shame by NOT reporting that story. Mom-and Pop not only have to clean up the mess, but also risk retaliation from the taggers themselves if they untag the taggers.
WTF! I seriously doubt that if someone got shot as a result of some twerps armed with spray cans intent on marking 'their' territory, that a story like that wouldn't get a nano-fraction of the air time an incident of a 'Hate Crime' on campus would get.
I guess some forms of graffiti (and who the victims are) are more deserving of attention than others, huh?
WTF! Why is it that for every Ted Nugent, Gary Sinese or Charlie Daniels for example, there are a hundred Sean Penn's, Danny Glover's and George Clooney's crawling out from under their rocks, flapping their lips and publicly hating America on the TV?
WTF! Ooops! I forgot. That's what the mute button is for.
WTF! Why is it that whenever a cop gets killed or dies, there's a mile long funeral procession, but you never see such an outpouring for the real unsung heroes of public servitude...Garbagemen!
Garbagemen? Why not garbagemen?
Day in and day out, these hearty souls go out in their trucks at the crack of dawn and pick up our discarded crap, only to be looked down upon.
WTF! Have you ever heard a kid brag about his dad, the garbage collector during a Show-and-Tell session, or a Take Daddy To Work Day at school?
We've all heard plenty of Barney Fife-like Cop & Donut jokes, but have you ever heard the one about the garbageman that walks into a bar and...
Didn't think so. We here at the Free State Of PIG, who make those garbagemen earn every nickel whenever they make their rounds through our trash, salute those that make their living haulin' trash.
Thanks, dudes. You probably won't get a fancy funeral procession, but we'll pause for a moment the next time one of your brethren kicks the dumpster.
WTF! Have you ever wanted to purge your social life and connections and be the one person EVERYONE avoids? It's easy. Just get involved in a Multi-Level Marketing (pyramid) scam.
Upon meeting someone for the very first time, simply shove your business card in their face announcing your latest, greatest money making MLM/Pyramid scam and explain, fast talk, how you, too can cash in on "instant" wealth peddling repackaged and recycled crap no one wants, needs or uses.
As you continue your pitch, make sure you ask the person/potential victim their name...AGAIN.
The few friends you may have had will now go out of their way to avoid you and your fast talking sales pitch in a quest to seperate you from your money and put a notch in their belt at the same time.
WTF! In my book, MLMers rate about the same as spammers and robo-callers and more than likely have crawled out from under the same rock.
WTF! Is it just me, or do we all have one of those days when you feel as if you have a target on your back and any/every idiot with a cell phone glued to their ears or behind the wheel is oblivious to you.
They walk in front of you, or even block you on the sidewalk. While in their car, cut right out in front of you, or tailgate you without a care in the world to the damage and possible injury they could have caused.
Sound familiar? Thought so.
WTF is one to do? Outside of bursting a major artery while trying to be patient, you can equip your ride to be idiot proof, ala The Deathmobile, complete with a bullhorn that warns and invites anyone/thing in it's path to "Get The F**k Out Of My Way," or suffer the consequences.
WTF! I already know it won't work, because as Ron White says, "You can't fix stupid."I say, that may be so, but one can have a lot of fun trying.
WTF! Now that the Vatican has selected Francis I from Agentina as Pope, I had a question.
Since Francis I is the first Pope from a Latin American country, will he pimp out the Pope Mobile to attract a wider, more diverse following?
Think of the gangs of Low Riders flocking to Sunday morning mass just to check out the Pope's new ride complete with hydraulics, spinning rims, chromed out chain link steering wheel, fuzzy dice and sexy mudflaps, you know, the whole enchilada for the homeboys.
WTF! I have no ax to grind with Francis I, in fact, with a pimped out Pope Mobile, he can probably build some bridges between gangstas.
WTF! If you've ever tuned in to watch any of the Law And Order shows, it's always a middle to upper middle class, sometime even rich white guy that gets caught and goes to prison.
Now, if the writers actually took a stroll down Reality Street, they would find that the actual minority in State prisons are...Shhhhhhhh...NOT WHITE!
Who da thunk! I guess I let the cat out the bag.
WTF! Are the writers and producers so burdened with white guilt that they defy reality and perhaps write episodes that reflect the way they think things should be on TV and within the justice system?
Or are they under pressure from Ethnocrat watchdog groups?
WTF! Why don't they get real and show how things really are, warts and all.
WTF! Here's proof that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and the crumb doesn't fall far from the stale crust on a dirty, corrupt floor.
WTF am I referring to? A family consisting of an extortionist, a thief, and a tax cheat.
The Thief: Former U.S. Representaive Je$$e (High Roller) Jackson, Jr. pleading guilty to numurous felony charges including conspiracy, fraud and misappropriation and funneling of campaign funds to the tune of $750,000 for frivolous, personal luxuries.
Facing up to 57 months in the joint, we'll be glad (yeah, right) to hear about his 'rehabilitation', and even happier that he won't be roaming the streets and picking pockets.
The Tax Cheat: What's even sweeter is that Je$$e Jr's. wife, $andra is also pleading guilty to filing numerous false tax returns and is also facing some quality time behind bars. Yay!
That's the good news. The bad news is that The Extortionist, Je$$e Sr. will be on the prowl to extort more bling from corporations to help pay for legal expensenes, so be on the lookout, especially if you're white, rich and successfull.
WTF! It just goes to show, it really is all in the family.
WTF! This one has me scratching my head, or what's left of it.
For those of us that have a pet pooch or pussy (CAT you pervs, PUSSY CAT, dammit!), we're all concerned about their diets and the food we buy them and stick in their food dishes,
I was just wondering, when we see those ads on TV stating how delicious the pet food they're peddling is, how would any human know how delicious it is? Do they, after a hard day doing some R&D on pet food taste and quality bring home a doggie bag (pun intended) full of pet food and share it with their family?
WTF! Just who deems this pet food 'delicious'? And, who ever makes claims that it is, would they feed it to their own family? Probably not.
WTF! Have you ever seen those youths with purple mohawk hairdo's, body piercings, tattoos and Goth looking wannabe 'Dark' looking clothes, complete with faggy looking skinny jeans?
Well, they're all over the place. But when asked why they do that, which they have every right to do, they always reply, "Hey, man, I'm just expressing my individuality."
Expressing their individuality when they and their posse all look so identical that no body can tell one from the other?
WTF! If they're all looking the same, following the latest fad with a herd mentality and going out of their way to act different just to get attention, listening to the same lame music because the other 'individuals' are expressing themselves the same way, that's far from expressing individuality, you can bet they think(?) the same.
It's no wonder some wannabe individuals that look like outcasts, weirdos and freaks get their lunch money stolen and get wedgies on a regular basis.
WTF! We've all heard the the term "Universal Health Care," right? Noble and nifty idea, on paper at least. In essence, it mandates that those that have, have to pay for the have-nots' health care provisions.
In a benevolent, charitable and generous society such as ours, most folks have no issue with offering a hand up to those in need. "Universal" health care on the other hand, dictates, no, forces against one's will to 'contribute' to those that feel entitled to the spoils of the 'Haves' in the form of giving the 'Have-Nots' anything from free condoms, abortions and even elective, cosmetic surgery.
WTF! That's not cool. For the government to force Peter to pay for Paul because Paul can't or won't provide for him/herself is absolute political and fiscal piracy.
Enough of that. Back to the term, 'Universal.'
What f**king 'Universe' are these sticky fingered lawmakers living in? Most mere mortals live on a planet, where gravity keeps two feet on the ground and their heads out of the clouds trying to take care of their own needs. But along comes Big Brother, Big Sister, Big Lib and Big Bro, forcing and jamming their Marxist, utopian ideals down John and Jane Q. Public's throat with the intention of extorting hard earned money out of them.
WTF! There is a show on TV called Man vs Food.The format is that the chubby host, Adam Richman, waddles into a local eatery and is challenged to eat gargantuan amounts of food within a certain time frame. If he wins and wipes his face with his sleeve in an act of gluttoney, he gets his name on the restaurants wall of fame, and probably a token T-Shirt, that says something to the effect that "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
His menu consists of anything from a 6 lb. steak dinner, complete with sides to 4 foot long sub sandwiches, overflowing with all kinds of artery clogging condiments. If you thought Linda Lovelace could go the whole nine
inches, I mean yards, this guy has her beat, hands down.
WTF! One just has to wonder, where the hell does this dude find the room to accomodate all those carbs and calories while pile driving food through his piehole and into a gastronomic and possible cardiac hell?
Then, it dawned on me. The host, like me, probably has a friend that has a distant cousin who scores him some high grade Black Lebonese or Brown Turkish hashish, or maybe even some way tasty marijuana, stolen from a guy named Spicoli, which, I've heard, will strongly increase one's appetite, thus enabling him to make a pig of himself and not give a shit.
WTF! This posting was just food for thought. Gotta go. I was invited to my neighbors, the Flintstones for an extra large Bronto Burger.
WTF! Hey! With all of this Mayan Calandar Doomsday/Apocolypse crap going on, and the Kool-Ade drinking idiots that are storming hardware and grocery shops for necessities and provisions, why aren't they making out a last will?
WTF! If they are so hell bent on some supersticious myth that the world will end on 12/21/2012, why don't these airheads make a donation to the Free State Of PIG?
Well, we here at PIG have a way to releive True Believers of the Mayan Myth of any and all material and real property.
It goes as such: We will set up a 501c or, offshore account non-profit organization that will accept any/all real property which would include homes, Ferrari's, Lamborghini's, Maserati's, jewelry, furs, stocks, bonds, hot mistresses, retirement funds, pensions, sound systems, personal entertainment centers, electric guitars, pianos,- (Baby Grand preferred), hand, power and table tools, camping equipment, and whatever else is in your attic or basement.
WTF! Before you think we are scam artists, all proceeds go to the Hambo and Porcus retirement fund.
We'll see you, or maybe not on 12/22/2012, suckers.
WTF! "Actor" Jamie Foxx really stepped in it with his recent comments about white people on Saturday Night Live.
For those who don’t recall, Foxx is the man who recently told us that we should “honor” our “lord and savior” Barack Obama.
“I’m dressed in all black, cause it’s good to be black. Black is the new white!” Foxx began in his opening monologue.
The really curious comments came soon after:
“I got a new movie coming out, Django, check it out…Django Unchained, I play a slave. How black is that? In the movie, I have to wear chains. How whack is that? But don’t be worried about it, because I get out [of] the chains, I save my wife, and I kill all the white people in the movie. How great is that? And how black is that?”
Hey Jamie, (by the way, Jamie is a girls name) have you ever thought about who signs your paychechecks, designs your pimped out Huggy-Bear looking clothes, your fancy imported sportscars, and of course the dumb-ass white women who are waaaay off my list, that you dump after a hot night.
Mr. Foxx, your idiotic and most RACIST comments are a disgrace to your GRANDMOTHER, who you claimed raised you.
For shame, you overpaid and overrated punk. I hope your Grandmother is turning in her grave and is experiencing buyers remorse over raising your sorry ass, punk.
Foxx, you suck in sooooooo many ways. If your whole identity is based upon a slave character, your media and PR people are forced to work overtime doing damage control. But hey, at least you showed your true colors, faggot.
As if we're going to take a paid clown seriously. Did I mention you suck, and I don't care what Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben's color you are, you still suck, nigga.
WTF! Don't even bother to ask why I took time out of my day to comment on this two-legged turd.
WTF! During the Christmas season, we all hear the term, "Peace on earth and goodwill toward men."
Nothing wrong with that. But imagine if people actually put that into action the other 364 days of the year. Crime rates would dwindle, and when that happens, a lot of tin stars, correctional officers and lawyers would be out of work.
WTF! We all know that isn't going to happen, but one can dream of less cops, prisons and especially lawyers. That's what I call Peace on Earth.
WTF! Have you ever seen those TV commercials advertising a product called Rosetta Stone?
Rosetta Stone is a language-learning product that makes learning a foreign language easy, and that's all fine.
My gripe is that in the TV commercials, they always showcase someone wanting to learn anything from Russian, French, German, Cantonese, etc.
WTF! What they don't show is some English-phobic border jumper saying "I want to learn English."
I guess if the folks over at Rosetta Stone showed Chuey and Guadalupe expressing a desire to learn English, saying, "Si.Si. We want to learn a de Engleeesh," they would be bombarded with lawsuits and protests from MALDEF, Aztlan and other Colonista types.
WTF! English for Chuey and Guadalupe? They don't need no stinkin' English
WTF! What's up with Asian women and the way they try to curse in English? Have you ever heard their feeble and funny attempt at trying to swear like a truck driver or sailor when they get madder than a wet hen? It's hilarious.
If you've ever been on the recieving end of one of their verbal tirades, it's worth the price of admission to watch and listen to them fumble with the English language in the form of profanity.
WTF! I always wondered, what's the first English phrase they learn after they roll off the jet upon entering the United States, after buying a new Mercedes or BMW, autos they simply can't drive is "I don't give damn shit!"
"I don't give damn shit?" What does that mean and who taught them to say that? My first inclination, after laughing is to want to help them swear in the correct, current vernacular, but then if I did, the comic effect would fade.
WTF! It's not just what they attempt to say, it's the way they say it that has me holding my gut in laughter as they make utter fools of themselves butchering the English language.
*Publishers Note: Sorry for inflicting the most hideous visual, but hey, it's my damn page and everything stated above is way beyond true. The image above does not represent all Asian women, or at least any I know of, right Hambo?
WTF! Maybe I'm in the dark about all this flap about Mitt Romney's comment about Big Bird and PBS, but Sesame Street and the PBS pirates in particular, and their media cohorts had to go and politicize a complete non-issue.
First, for example, the creators of Sesame Street are not going to go hungry over Mitt Romney's proposed funding cuts to the NEA, NPR and PBS.
Why? WTF! I'll explain.
PBS has made astronomical amounts of money through licensing, branding and retail agreements to market, sell and brand any characters from Kermit The Frog, Tickle Me Elmo toys and Big Bird.
The creators and network rake in tens of millions of dollars annually due to sales and licensing agreements and they still have their hand out for your money to support them, claiming that if PBS is going to get a federal funding cut, all of a sudden, taxpayers who are sick and tired of their taxes going into an over filled money pit - due to the profits and commercialization of Sesame Street characters are "The Bad Guys"
WTF! The real thieves are the profiteers who pocket money from Big Bird, Ernie and Bert, and Tickle Me Elmo toys, then plead poverty upon the public for donations to keep the show on the air.
WTF! Where the hell is Oscar The Grouch when you need him most?
WTF! Ever hear the expression, "I'm going to rip you a new a**hole?" Sure, we've all heard that before.
Well, with the upcoming Vice Presidential debate between Paul Ryan and Joe Biden, and the pundits are predicting a bulldozing on Ryan's part with a hands down victory, and rip Biden a new one.
WTF! How can anyone rip someone else a new one, when the one on target, in this case Biden, is a born A**hole?
WTF! Just wondering.
WTF! Who said Monday mornings suck? Just when you roll up your sleeves and are ready to do battle with any/all idiots that cross your path outside of your door, along comes some folks that actually make your day.
Example: This morning I stopped at my local bakery, the owner, a very attractive and alluring asian woman, gives me a free Danish with my usual order.
Then, while entering a local market, along comes a dude on a bicycle on the side walk heading straight for me. I yielded, was going to let him have the the right of way, but he stops, says "Thank You" and he further remarked that he owns a very expensive Audi and SUV, but chose to ride a bike, instead, due to rising gas prices and said, "Fuck the Arabs and OPEC."
That was a 'Right on and Amen' moment for yours truely.
To really make my day was when I went into the local market, got my stuff, one of which included a Fosters Lager beer, and the cutie behind the counter came really close to asking for my I.D.
I asked if she was serious about the I.D. thing, and she gave me a yes/no answer, and said she was just kidding.
I thanked her for her compliment, and went about my usual, chipper way.
WTF! Moral of the story? Don't ever underestimate the knowledge and friendliness of your neighbors, even when you wake up with a chip on your shoulder.
WTF! The News Nit-Wits, as usual, are in overkill mode after the Romney-Obama debate.
It seems as if Fox, CNN and other major broadcast news outlets are analyzing and dissecting the debate into the dirt.
WTF! Don't these Nit-Wits have other news to report other than repeat what Romney said, or what Obama's body language indicated time after time after time?
WTF! Talk about overkill and redundancy.
WTF! We get it. We saw it. We don't need to hear over paid, blow dried, talking heads talk about it 24 hours a day.
Thanks News Nit-Wits and dunces for insulting our intelligence by continually yammering on and on about the debate.
WTF! The Ecotards are out in full force in San Antonio, Texas due to the recent finding of a rare spider on a $15.1 million dollar highway project on Texas 151.
The spider, an endangered species known as a Braken Bat Cave Meshweaver, the Texas Department of Transportation was called in and confirmed that the spider was indeed rare.
Construction on the project was halted because a teeny weeny little spider, thus, causing much frustration with commuters that used that particular route, not to mention everyone who was working on the project.
WTF! If these eco skidmarks care sooooo much about a damn, Braken Bat Cave Meshweaver spider, WTF, why don't they simply pick the little creature up, get the Boy Wonder and give it a ride home to the Bat Cave?
WTF! Most people like to squash spiders out of fear. In this case, I'm more afraid of the Eco Weenies. They need the squashing.
WTF! The recent passing of world class act and singer, Andy Williams has left a void in many peoples' hearts. Many people have fond memories of his great voice especially his signature songs, Moon River and Born Free.
The WTF issue is nothing against Andy Williams, but the person, Henry Mancini that co-wrote Moon River.
One of the lyrics is ..."Huckleberry friend."
WTF is a huckleberry, and WTF is a Huckleberry Friend?
Sorry Andy, just wonderin'and yes, I do have too much time on my hands.
WTF! The following clip is a day in the life of Porcus and why I hate computers, geeks, dweebs, nerds and why I'm a total techno doof.
WTF! Before you laugh at me, watch the clip and ask yourself honestly if you've been there and done that.
And if any of you run across a dude named Hambo, ask him if the clip applies to me. He'll tell you it's true.
>>> Angst >>>
WTF! Maybe the French are finally on to something with the publication of this cartoon.
It depicts a Jewish dude escorting his Muslim pal, somewhere, anywhere.
I don't know what the caption says, as it is written in French, but the picture says it all, all by itself.
But the rioting rats across the planet will probably use this as an excuse to ply their trade with more murders, looting, burning of embassies and now, instead of burning American flags, French flags.
With that, I say to the French, welcome to our world and I'll concede that this cartoonist just did his countrymen some great P.R. work with his little scribbling.
WTF! I'll say it, Viva La France!
WTF! Can anyone please explain WTF is the fascination when there's a birth of a Chinese Panda bear?
Sure. They look cute and cuddly and some people just want to take them home, give them love and affection.
That's very humane, but, so many numbnuts don't realize that Panda bears are just that. They are bears.
The cute and cuddly stuff stops when some idiot visits the Panda on exhibition and gets a nifty idea that he/she can stick their finger in the Panda's face and expect warm fuzzies from the bear from a little nose tickle to the bear.
WTF! That's one of those 'Looks good on paper' ideas, but really doesn't work too well with the bear. See, bears really like stupid people - especially for lunch - and they see dumb asses as a picnic basket.
WTF! If you really want to play with a Panda bear, go get a stuffed bear, and if you like your fingers, don't stick them in a bears face.
Also, if you really like bears, consider an American bear. After all, we've got enough Made In China crap floating around here.
WTF! Do any of you hear the sounds of crickets echoing across our fruited plains emanating from the Half-White/Kenyan/Indosian/Hawaiian White House?
That sound is due to the pussies in charge not doing a God damned thing about what's happening globaly to our fellow Americans and allies.
WTF! How stupid of me. We need Punk-Ass In Charge to apologize and forgive the actions of his homeboys for killing our folks and burning our flags on foreign soil, right?
We also need to roll over and play dead too, huh, Mr. Messiah?
WRONG! The last thing we need is a nadless wimp that sits on his ass or spends quality time in front of a mirror admiring himself and patting himself on the back as Americans are in harms way.
WTF! Since you, Mr. Barry and your co-conspirators won't lift a finger in the current situation, We The People here in the PIGdom will lift a finger just for you.
Guess which finger, smartypants, and we know where you can stick it.
WTF! Why is it that whenever there's a 'Pro-Immigrant'- code for 'Pro-Illegal' rally or protest - the usual mantra is, "Without us, who's going to pick your fruit and vegetables? Who's going to cut your grass, clean your house and care for your kids?"
I've got an issue with that type of statement.
So, the illegals REALLY come here with strictly altruistic motives? To pick my fruits and vegetables? And they REALLY come here ILLEGALLY because they really DO care about my lawn and my kid?
How sweet! Those illegals are so charitable. Willing to risk their lives - JUST FOR ME - and work for almost nothing because THEY care about us 'lazy' Americans.
WTF! I can't speak for anyone but myself, but around our humble home, WE take care of our own lawn, garden, and domestic services like cooking, cleaning and looking after our own. Even if I had a palatial manor and was hemmorhaging money, I sure as hell wouldn't hire illegals to come near my home.
Oh, WTF! I am a softie at heart. I really do appreciate the gesture of illegals risking their lives to care for and piss in my rosebushes, spit in my food, and what the heck, maybe spread a disease or two in my own home, for pay.
On their day off, they then take to the streets and bite the hands that feed them by demonizing Americans and legal residents for not wanting to care for them, their kids, goats, roosters, etc., with American freebies and other imaginary 'entitlements.'
Gracious and adios my most benevolent border jumpers. We do appreciate your concern, though.
WTF! Today, August 7th is National Night Out Against Crime. Here in Porcusville, the following was posted on my local community website:
The XXXXXXXX Police Department will celebrate its 29th Annual “National Night Out Against Crime” event on Tuesday, August 7 from 5:30 p.m. to 9 p.m. The event will be located in the Village Bus Transit Plaza (the Village) on XXXXXXXX Avenue north of Foothill.
The entire community is invited to enjoy free hot dogs, have their children fingerprinted and take part in a cupcake walk, meet McGruff the Crime Fighting Dog, play games, listen to music and much more.
Residents throughout XXXXXXXX and across the nation are asked to turn on their porch lights, lock their doors, and spend the evening outside with neighbors and law enforcement to help build stronger police-partnerships and neighborhood unity for safer communities.
National Night Out is designed to heighten crime and drug prevention awareness; generate support for and participation in local anticrime programs, strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships.
WTF! How dumb is that? Leaving your lights on and go out and rub elbows with the local Tin Stars? That may sound all warm and fuzzie, but while you're out of your house, with your lights left on sounds like an invitation for all the local meanies that are also aware of National Night Out and casing your house.
WTF! Might as well leave the damn door WIDE open with some lemonade and cookies for your unwanted 'guests' as they help themselves to your belongings, and laughing all the way out of town.
Shit, I almost forgot. McGruff The Crime Dog will be right around the corner to' help take a bite out of crime,' after the fact, of course.
WTF! Why is it that the older I get, the type size on anything from ceral box info and medication labels to sports scores and crossword puzzles in my fishwrap seems to get smaller and smaller?
Hell, I damn near need either the eyes of a hawk or a hubble telescope to read simple things.
WTF! They might as well put it in Braille.
WTF! We've all seen those hard news stories where someone claims to have seen an image of Jesus in the bark of a tree and people come from all over to get a glimpse, take pictures, worchip, etc.
These are not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill Jesus sightings (or hallucinations.)
See, Jesus is everywhere and really does get around.
Here are some examples:
Toast. This One Actually Sold On E-Bay
Dogs Rear End
WTF! These types of sightings occur quite often and I thought why not get enterprising and capitalize on the situation and sell concessions from a taco cart in order to help feed the masses?
It's a win-win propostion. Jesus would feed his flock AND bless me with a way to pick up a few bucks, in His name.
Now, I have to believe that is what Jesus would do.
WTF! When our current Pirate-In- Cheif finally leaves the White House, and has to look for a place to shack up, Porcus suggests his old stomping grounds, Kenya.
In Kenya, he will probably be given what he thinks is his just due, to be treated as a real Messiah. Since he's been there before, technically his return would literally be the second coming of The Chosen one.
No doubt he will be pampered and serenaded by the unsuspecting locals who will bow down in awe just by his mere presence.
That treatment probably wouldn't last too long. The Kenyans will catch on to his scandalous ways in no time.
All that said, for once a white man can tell a black, oops, half black man to "GO BACK TO AFRICA!" without being called a racist.
WTF! I wanna be the first in line to tell him so. Hell, maybe even give him and Moochelle a ride to the airport, too.
WTF! With all of the mass murder shootings in Colorado since Columbine, and most recently early this morning at a theater showing The Dark Knight Rises, why doesn't Colorado simply change their State Motto to "Just Shoot Me?"
WTF! On a related side note to the shooting, Porcus has the following predictions:
1) All cinemas playing The Dark Knight Rises will have TSA style security goons posted outside of the theaters shaking down little kids and stealing their popcorn in the process.
2) The Shyster Scum are no doubt already drafting papers to bring Warner (Deep Pockets) Brothers to court to sue their pants off for inspiring and instigating violence.
WTF! Why is it that whenever a TV show conducts a 'Man On The Street' interview, asking 3rd grade level questions, 4 out 5 people can't answer elemenary school type questions?
Interviewer: Hi, I'm Jay Leno from the Tonight Show. Can I ask you a few questions?
Unsuspecting Dolt: Sure, Jay.
Interviewer: Great! What's your name and what do you do?
Unsuspecting Dolt: I'm Candi and I teach 6th grade school.
Interviewer: Great. Tell me,
what year was the Declaration Of Independence signed?
Unsuspecting Dolt: Well, ah, um, I think it was 1964.
Interviewer: OK, then. Well, what was Lindsey Lohan wearing at her very first court hearing several years ago?
Unsuspecting Dolt: Oh, wait! Oh my God, I know this! It was a lavender designer blouse with....
WTF! So-called 'educators' (?) don't know 3rd grade basics, but can tell you what the lastest flavor-of-the-month Pop Tart had for dinner and who her date was 3 years ago at Spagos.
Just consider. You leave your kids in their charge for 8 hours a day getting a less than sub-par 'education.'
WTF! Did I just say WTF! Well I'll say it again. WTF!!!!
If anyone can find the United States Constitution, please do the following regarding the retarded Obama Care Confiscation Plan:
1) Walk into your local Congress Punks office and remind them about We The People and show them a copy of the Constitution and remind them who pays their handsome salaries and perks.
2) Email it to ALL branches of government. The House, Senate, the turds occupying the White House, and let's not forget the Sub-Supreme Sellout Court and if you really have a set of cast irons, the IRS.
We The PIGsters are in no way activists, but this one has Hambo cleaning Old Betsy. We don't want that now, do we?
WTF! This Obama Scam is going to take food off of hard working peoples' tables and money out of their banks to pay for...Whatever The Fuck the Sellouts want to do with it, including free medical for illegals, welfare cases, idlers, slackers, condoms, abortions, etc.
WTF! Is Porcus pissed? Aw, shucks no. I can just feel the warm fuzzies, rainbows and gummie bears from here at The Free State Of PIG...NOT! I don't know what way beyond pissed off is, but I suppose I'm in that mode.
See you at the trial.
WTF! Panderer-In Chief addressed the Lamestream Media by announcing that he would not deport children of illegal border jumpers under certain provisions.
That's just opening the door for more of the uninvited to storm the floodgates, and for the Panderer to gain the Hispanic vote in an election year.
But, during The Messiah's speech, someone...gasped, heckled him.
WTF! The nerve of someone to dare interrupt The Messiah's sermon with a pertinent question/statement.
Here's a partial transcript of what happened between the heckler, my new hero, and The Chief Jerk-Off-In-Charge:
In what may be a first for the White House Rose Garden, President Obama was heckled by a reporter during his speech on immigration Friday.
Obama made the speech hours after his administration announced that the U.S. would stop deporting some young illegal immigrants.
The heckler, who challenged the president about how unemployed Americans could be affected, visibly upset the president, who said: "This is the right thing to do for the American people."
When interrupted by the heckler again, Obama got heated, saying: "It's not time for questions, not while I'm speaking," and "I didn't ask for an argument."
Before walking out of the Rose Garden, the heckler yelled out that he was an immigrant himself.
According to Talking Points Memo's Brian Beutler, the heckler has identified himself as Neil Munro, a White House reporter at the conservative news site the Daily Caller.
WTF! The Free State Of PIG can be about solutions, once in a while. If The One gets his way by overstepping our system of checks and balances and The Constitution, which he usually does, here's what the Keeper Of The Fork proposes.
Number One: He and the spawn of illegal border jumpers are probably going to get their way. We'll concede that.
Number Two: Here's where this gets PIGish. Assuming that the children of illegals are granted immunity via Obama, we suggest that since they and their parents soaked Americans under false pretenses, well here's the deal.
You stay here but serve our country AND turn in your parents and have them D-F**KING ported. That's right. Be an El Rato and snitch on them. If not, get out and join your parents at the back of the legal line to get back into America.
WTF! Why is it that rock stars and Lilo types flaunt their celebrity in courts of law, while the rest of us have to assume the position for merely spitting on the sidewalk?
Take for example the image of that Rolls Royce in a hotel swimming pool.
Keith Moon, the late, great, lunatic drummer for The Who, took it upon himself to take that fine ride (pictured) for a little swim.
Well, apparently he didn't go to jail for this most creative, drug and alcohol induced antic, but the band had to shell out $50,000 for damages and restitution. Basically, a slap on the wrist.
WTF! I guess money talks, if you have it. When I was a kid, my goal in life was to "Get money for nothing, and chicks for free" and habitually drive Rolls Royces into hotel swimming pools and trash the hotel rooms with cherry bombs, dynamite and tossing TVs out of windows. But Moon The Loon beat me to it and shattered my boyhood dream.
Damn. Where did I go wrong?
WTF! Hey Lilo. Take a pointer from the master of mischeif, Keith Moon and his antics. If you're going to screw up, be creative and do something unique, funny, epic and original, AND get away with it., unlike the rest of us that have to eat cake, pay fines and do time.
For an example of pyrotechnics going way wrong and decadent behavior on national TV courtesy of Keith Moon, but funny as all hell, click below.
>>> Smothers Brothers The Who >>>
WTF! Why is it, that when a woman can break off a romantic relationship, and end it with the phrase, "But we can still be friends, right?" but the dude is spotted the next day with a new hottie, by his new "friend."
WTF. So called "Friend' is furious that dude found a replacement so fast.
Wanna know how to really scald your new "friends" skillet?
Want some real revenge? Let her see you with her best girlfriend with your arms around her.
Your new "friend" will no doubt get in your face with a "How dare you! So soon?"
WTF! Simply reply to your ex-girlfiend, new "friend" that she made you a free agent and say, "How ya like me now, friend?"
WTF! There is no such thing as "Too soon" when it comes to breakups. Your new "friend" has probably been banging the pool boy way before the breakup.
WTF! What's up with these vegan cretins? It's one thing to improve one's dietary habits by eating more fruits and vegetables on a daily basis.
No issue there. But when these pasty skinned, grass, leaf and alfalfa sprout eating wimps get in your face about eating meat or any other living creature get in your face for eating a hot, juicy steak, just look, laugh and cut into that prime rib, New York cut of beef, pork chop or hamburger, wipe that sauce off of your mouth with your sleeve, and hand them and IDGAS card, and ask for second helpings.
WTF! Why don't people call me when pictures like these are taken?
I just happened to be in the market for a new set of pillows, and then she shows up.
Right size, right comfort, and by virtue of me asking Mrs. Porcus if I can have her and her equipment for a birthday gift, my soldiers were taken away and put in a dark hiding place.
WTF! Can't have it all, huh fellas?
Double D damn!
Me and my fellas will be out of the dog house in a while.
WTF! If this doesn't toast your tacos, I don't know what will.
Normally, this would go in PIGs Colonista section, but I thought taxpaying Americans ought to know where their money is going.
Apparently, the IRS is not only issuing huge tax refunds to Illegals, but also turning a blind eye as they freely pass out LOTS of Obama's freshly printed and minted Benjamins to ILLEGALS that are claiming dependents in Mexico.
WTF! Did I use the term 'Illegal?' Shame on me. PIGs Staff reminded me that the term 'Illegal' is not proper, and I should refer to them as Disease Ridden Border Jumping Scumbags.
I say that term is more like it, and tough tamales for those that think otherwise.
If you want to follow the money trail, click the link below, and hold on to your huevos and cojones while watching.
WTF! Ads Gone Wild! PR stunts and ad campaigns that create 'controversy' and backfire always seem to be followed up with feeble and fumbling apology tours, and sometimes more money in the bank.
Recent case in point. An ad created by Belvedere Vodka that was posted on Facebook and Twitter depicting a young horndog trying to have his way by supplying a young woman with more than enough vodka for him to get 'some.'
Naturally, the ad incurred the wrath of the usual No-Nadsters, who are up in hairy armpits over the ad which may or may not imply an act of rape or sexual assault, AND may or may not be a calculated risk on the part of Belvedere Vodka to garner publicity and outrage.
Sure, the Belvedere execs probably had the whole campaign all mapped out.
First, create and post an attention getting ad that is sure to generate publicity.
Next, approach microphones and cameras in a groveling manner with a prefabricated apology in hand, explaing that you've been naughty and this will never happen again, and oh, here's a sizable donation for whomever was offended by our hijinx. The monetary 'donation' translated usually means STFU and go away.
Finally, head for the Board Room and slap each other on the back, all the way to the bank for pulling off a successful PR stunt.
WTF! Far be it for me to advocate rape or sexual assault, but the use of alcohol has been used to get folks, (that's right, men AND women) loose since the dawn of time, so what's the big deal about advertising the effects of overindulging? As a matter of fact, those shrill No-Nadniks ought to thank Belvedere Vodka for shedding light on the consequences of 'overdoing' it and having those 'morning after' regrets.
WTF! Whatever happened to the old saying, "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker?"
WTF! On a lighter, more PIGish note, while Googling info about the Belvedere Vodka 'controversy', I ran across this WTF! type of ad for Burger King's New Super Seven Incher ad.
Since I'm on the subject of Ads Gone Wild! I figured, WTF!, this one is just too good not to post.
The ad was part of an outdoor billboard campaign in Singapore.
You're a total 'Tard if you don't know what this suggests, visually. But if that isn't enough, the ad copy in the lower right corner reads like something out of a Penthouse Forum submission:
"Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A1 Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce."
WTF! Seven inches and some sauce? Is that ALL she gets? Crap, if you gave her enough Belvedere Vodka, well, I'll bet she can take...never mind, and get your heads out of the sewer.
WTF does any of this have to do with anything? It has a lot to do with the Golden Rule of advertising. Sex sells. Period. Add some controversy into the mix, be willing to offer up a 'sincere' apology, and you've got yourself and your product some publicity, negative or otherwise.
WTF! Here's how much I care today...
WTF! A certain Ethnocrat persuasion takes issue to the term 'Boy.' Well, no grown man likes to be called a boy, white, black, brown or otherwise.
Like I said, no grown man, regardless of color.
WTF am I rambling on about? Well, how about grown men of any persusion that have job descriptions that include the word 'boy?'
Bat Boy, etc.
Do we now call them Bus Man, Towel Man, or even Bat Man?
WTF! How about terms like Whipping Boy or Atta Boy?
WTF! What about the term 'Boy' when it comes to white men? It seems to be not just politically correct, but socially acceptable (and hypocritical) for some to refer to grown white men as 'white boys' regardless of their age and get a free pass when tossing that term around and also because of their color, 'history' or ethnicity.
WTF! I'de really like to know what the age limit is, when a 'white boy' becomes a white man?
WTF! Just wondering.
WTF! Why is it, then when a little old lady gets murdered, or a minor gets kidnapped, raped and murdered and found in a ditch, or even worse, a little innocent kid catches a bullet as a result of a drive by shooting, that catches little attention? But when a cop catches one in the line of duty, eats hot lead, every law enforcement agency from the Texas Rangers to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police drop all other cases to catch a cop killer.
I thought cops were dedicated to serving the public and were aware of the occupational hazards, including death or disability.
And, when a memorial service is performed, every available cop from coast to coast shows up with dress uniforms and all the pomp and circumstance is rolled out, at taxpayers expense, of course.
WTF makes a sworn officer more special than the public they are sworn to "Protect and Serve?"
Next time I see a cop, I'll ask and let the PIGdom know what the Tin Star's response is, after I recover from the black and blue marks I'm sure to recieve.
WTF! What ever happened to cool names for cars?
Am I the only one to notice that the names of certain models of cars went panty-waist?
Limp wristed names like Leaf, Prius, Sonata, Genesis, Alero, Volt, Accord, have replaced the good old American names of real muscle cars like Cobra, Mustang, Barracuda, Challenger, Bearcat, Stingray, Cherokee, Thunderbird, Cougar, etc.
Those cars had the huevos and horsepower to haul ass and their makers didn't give a double carb or cracked engine block about toxic emissions.
Shit, even the Italians have cool names for their cars like a Diablo or Testarossa.
Those are all cars that also had automitive nads, too.
WTF! I guess by altering names and manufacturing hybrids, that's Madison Avenues' and the automotive industry's way of caving in to the Greenies and Eco-Punk Terrorists as a way of selling warm-fuzzies and I just wonder, when are they going to really wimp out and call the newest automotive sensation, something like the Pink Fairy, the Gummy Bear, the Unicorn, Easter Bunny or wait, how about the Rainbow, all Al Gore approved.
WTF next, are we going to resort to four roller skate wheels on a plywood board to get from point A to point B?
WTF! The following are some random WTF!-isms:
WTF! Most cities and towns have ordinances for people that walk their dogs to clean up the dogs' steaming loads and leavin's. That's fine and being a good citizen if you clean up after your pooch. But what if Fido or Fifi just take a squirt, is the dog walker expected to suck the dogs liquid leavin's with a straw?
WTF! What's up with term, "The Four Corners Of The Earth?" Last I checked, and I do recall my geometry and astronomy, that the earth is a sphere, which is round and therefore has no corners or squared sides, angles or edges. Chris "Wrong Way" Columbus proved it.
WTF! Why is it that a dude will spend years and lots of dollars to trick out, customize and/or restore a vintage auto or motorcycle only to warehouse it and only take it out to those "Hey, Look At My Rod" cars shows once a year to show off to other like minded "Hey, Look At My Rod" Weekend Warriors?
Small Penis Syndrome? You be the judge.
Again, just wondering.
WTF! More dude stuff. What the hell is up with some guys that absolutely must, no, GOTTA have, 5 Skil saws, 3 drill presses, 10 tool boxes, 4 power drill/drivers, an anal retentive, catagorized filing system for every screw, nut, bolt and washer that in all likelyhood, they'll never use?
I'm surpised that a 12 step group hasn't emerged to deal with dudes that feel the need to not just keep up with the neighbor's tool collection, but one-up every other dude on the block, but hoarding every tool in sight.
My diagnosis, Very Small Tool Syndrome - Ladies, you know what I mean.
Hey, I'm just wondering, but on a sidenote, those dudes come in handy when you need to borrow a tool or battery charger or paint brush.
WTF! Ladies, you're not off the hook, either. You know you practice the art of deception every time you purchase a push-up, cleaveage revealing bra, extra skin tight pants, Botox treatments, breast enhancement surgery, hit the makeup counter, go to tanning salons and all that other superficial shit, then hit the town for a night out in hopes of getting your claws into "Mr. Right," take him home, only to wake up the next morning finding him long gone, leaving you with only the pool boy.
You wonder, why did he leave?
He probably woke up with a hangover, took one look at you without all the warpaint, and your skidmarked panties, padded bra and gathered his gear and tiptoed right out the back door, never to be seen again. And guess what? He probably gave you a fake name because with all that fake shit you use to enhance your goodies, he probably read you like a book.
Question to female prowlers: I was wondering, WTF, why waste time and money enhacing yourselfand pretending to be something you are obviously not, when you can simply be yourself and present the real package to Mr. Right?
Once again, just wondering.
WTF! Now, in case you're just wondering just how much spare time Porcus has on his hands to dwell on the previous trivial postings?
Pssst. I'll tell you. TOO MUCH!
DEMOLITION DERBY: JAPANE$E STYLE
WTF! We’ve all heard the jokes and stereotypes about Asian drivers, you know, like how do you blind an Asian? Simple, put them behind a windshield.
The following nails that stereotype on the head and hits it out of the park.
On Sunday, December 4th in Yamaguchi Prefecture, Japan a convoy of exotic, high end and high priced European automobiles met their doom in a pileup which included eight, that’s right, EIGHT Ferraris, a Lamborghini, three Mercedes Benz’s, and a couple of rice burning Toyotas were involved.
Apparently, some dolt went Kamikaze on the expressway by trying to pass another car, hit the median and spun out, causing the members of the convoy to crash while trying to avoid the chaos
WTF! Trying to pass and overtake a convoy of Ferrari’s, Lamborghini’s and Mercedes’ is one dumb ass move. I’d like to know who gave the keys to the idiot who initiated the pileup.
Here in America, we have NASCAR, but in Japan, they ought to have JACCAR: Japanese Association of Car Crashing Asshats and Retards. Smashing one Ferrari is bad enough, but EIGHT, is a tragedy, equivalent to pissing and puking on the Mona Lisa.
WTF! If Enzo Ferrari knew that his handmade creations would end up in the hands of CERTAIN PEOPLE that can’t even park a bicycle, he would have never allowed them in the hands of wreckless drivers that have no appreciation for automotive and artistic excellence.
As far as the Godzilla of Sunday drivers that caused the pileup, I would go Samurai on him by sending him to his room with no rice, sake, sushi or car keys…for life.
WTF! If you're tired of society's precious, protected 'people of color' and other self-proclaimed victim-hood dwellers blaming all of their ills on Whitey, you're not alone.
Let's take the two Homeys, pictured below, as an example and analyze the attitudes that seem to still be prevalent among certain 'communities' and sub-cultures.
WTF! These two poster boys are claiming that they can't get a job because the White man is holding them back. I disagree. The Bloods and Crips are always recruiting clowns with pants down to their knees.
WTF! When the Gangsta thing runs it's course in the form of a felony conviction AND a 5-7 year graybar guest, The Man will have no problems finding Homeboys like these some kind of prison job like making license plates or making little rocks out of big rocks on a chain gang.
WTF! Good honest, character building work, too.
WTF! Quit blaming Whitey for your socio-economic plight. Quit blaming The Man because you don't have the necessary or marketable skills needed to function in todays workplace.
WTF! When you have a 'You owe me' attitude, and dress like a circus clown, nobody, and I don't care what color they are, will take you seriously, except maybe, just maybe Je$$e Jack$on or Al $harton.
WTF! So-called people like you be illin'
Yo! Peace. Out. I got's to go to my monthly Conspiracy Club meeting. This months topic: STFU!
WTF! We've all seen those online dating services catering to certain demographics advertised on TV.
They've got dating sites for those over 50.
They advertise dating sites for Christians, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, Cougars, MILFs, and even Gays, Lesbians and He/Shes. (Note: Not one exclusively for Whitey).
All that's fine and dandy, but what about those that are really hard up and just don't fit into any of the previously mentioned categories?
What about a hook up site for society's real misfits and unorthodox outcasts? You know, convicted felons, mental defects, lametards, those with certain fetishes, Punk, Heavy Metal and Goth types, Rednecks, Hillbillies, inbreds, spaztics, and even PIGsters all have needs too.
Now gosh darn it, it's high time society in general took note and catered to these lonely hearts, too.
WTF! If anyone with an entrepeneurial bone in his/her body, they would tap into those sub-cultures and make a few bucks in the process.
WTF! Burning question time. Why is it, that when I watch a Looney Tunes cartoon - and yes, I'm a grown man that still enjoys his Toon Time - that the Acme Company could send Wiley E. Coyote anvils, high powered sling shots and other 'Don't try this at home' stuff, but he could never catch that punk-ass, beep beep Roadrunner?
Better yet, how did Tweety Bird magically whip out a stick of dynamite and book of matches to toss to Sylvester The Cat?
What about Foghorn Leghorn, who, frequently tied his dog nemesis to skyrockets, lit the fuse and sent the poor dog into the next county?
WTF! How come Daffy Duck can get his hands on a combination of nitro glycerine and gun powder, complete with a lit match and make things really go boom?
The burning, WTF question is, why do they get to play with the neat stuff, while regular slobs like me get stuck with lawn mowers, shovels and computers?
WTF! Pass me an Acme anvil. I'll drop it on my own head...again.
WTF! Ever see a Rufus, LeRoy or Ray-Ray walk down the street with 10 pounds of fake gold bling with an NHL jersey on?
I have, and it's an oxymoron in action. Blacks generally don't play or watch ice hockey, so I don't know why some high profile rappers wear white man's sports gear.
Wait! I just had a stop the presses revelation!
Because any rapper named like One-Pac, P-Piddle or Ice Water wear one, all of a sudden it's a fashion statement and influencing young wannabees.
How insensitive of me. These youngsters need...wait, I just got a mental bitch slap.
Rufus, LeRoy and Ray-Ray couldn't tell the difference between a hockey puck and a job application, so, whats up you poser bros?
I'll wait for the hate mail on this one and face off with them.
WTF! Holy Jumping Jehovah!
We all get those monthly slickly produced community coupon and advertising rags in our mailbox from local merchants.
Here in the Porcus McPreacher War Room, we actually take advantage of a night out or a free car wash as a result of the coupons from time to time.
All good. All fine.But, this month, a local church came up with perhaps the most ridiculous advertising or PR campaign ever, published and mailed to my friends and nieghbors.
Before I comment further, simply examine the ad below.
Done laughing...yet? I'm not, and probably won't for quite a while.
WTF! Coupons for Christ? Wow! I had no clue that redeeming a coupon at a church would get me past The Pearly gates.
I guess I've been behaving like a blasphlemous buffoon by not realizing and feeling guilty for not opening my wallet and checkbook and redeeming coupons would guarantee my eternal salvation.
When Jesus $$$aves, who scores? The ka-ching church.
WTF! Talk about flagrant and funny Elmer Gantry-ism.
Seriously, please pray for me that I don't bust a major artery and die from laughter, because, according to this particular church's ad campaign, I just may need that cheesy and tasteless coupon.
Take care. God Bless, and use your own damn coupons to get to the promised land of your choice.
WTF! Have you ever,and I mean EVER had some some asshole, disguised as a mild mannered old lady approach you while your walking your dog when she/it/whatever claims SHE is afraid of dogs, with her hands on her hips declaring the sidewalk was her territory?
First, how the hell would I even know or care about the old miserable bat's fears and phobia's about dogs.
Second. If the old hag was really afraid of dogs, she had ample time and distance to cross the street instead of walking right up to me and my little pooch, with her hand on her hips, declaring my dog was causing her fear.
Third, I'm supposed to read the minds of every pedestrian that has a fear of dogs and dares to share the sidewalk with me, and sticks her stinky finger in my face?
Wow! Had I known that the Old Sack Of Crap's hypersensitivities superceded my right to walk down the street with my dog, well, I sure would have yielded rights to that soggy old, miserable sack..with a thick wad of spit.
WTF! Talk about someone that was in need of a flea bath. What if I had happened to be walking my pet Puerto Rican, or Pollack? Not that I have one, yet, but would she have had the same sanctimonious attitude?
WTF! Ever notice some of those early morning News-Babe Weather Girls and the way they dress...AT 5:00 AM?!?
I don't know where you live or what TV market you're in, but here in Southern Mexifornia, these 'Weather' girls look and dress more like teenage tramps than so-called professionals.
WTF! With their Hoochie-Mamma skin-tight mini skirts, five inch fuck-me stiletto pumps, hoop earrings, and caked on make up and their ultra-sheen lip gloss, when doing their weather reports at 5:00 AM, they don't look like their going out, they look like they've been out...all night, and the cat dragged them from a back alley to their assigned broadcast studio.
WTF! I'm far from prude and their's nothing wrong with waking up to some eye candy while getting the local weather, and I'm so used to the way they look, but I just have to wonder, WTF do these too-easy tramps and trollops smell like?
|Homophobia? If you're afraid of or intimidated by this spectacle, maybe you're gayer than they are.
WTF! Why is it that a person that merely disagrees with, makes fun of, or doesn't particulary care for homosexuals or the homosexual lifestyle is unfairly labeled a "Hater," or more specifically, a "Homophobic?"
Let's crack open our dictionaries and dissect the newly coined and very politically correct, but mislabeled term, 'Homophobia.'
Before we begin, I'll sidetrack for a moment and cite the late, great comedian and master of misnomers and oxymorons, George Carlin for some examples of language butchery:
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence - the words don't go together, man."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
Get the picture? Good. Now get back to the term in question, 'Homophobia.'
Homophobia - n. Irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals.
Let's get really anal (pun intended), and pick this term apart.
Homo- prefix. Same; Like: homophone. [Latin < Greek< homos, same]
I know. I know. In the context of contemporary vernacular, the prefix -homo refers to a sexual flavor, ala GLAAD-BAGs (Gay and Lesbian Alliance of Annoying Dykes Boys And Alleged Girls*. *Alleged Girls covers, bi, tri, quadra, poly and transsexuals, plus crossdressers.)
Phobia- suffix. An intense, abnormal, or illogical FEAR of a specified thing. [Latin < Greek < phobos, fear.]
Hence, we get Homo-Phobia, and taken literally would come to mean 'An irrational FEAR of the same.' In this case, it would mean 'An irrational FEAR of the homosexuals.'
The operative word here is fear, not hate, dislike or discrimination.
WTF! I can't speak for anyone but myself, but homosexuals don't exactly strike fear into my bones. On Gay Pride Parade Day, I'm actually very amused at grown men men prancing up and down the street dressed in drag or leather diapers, and just because an individual doesn't care for that lifestyle, does not make them, or me a hater of homos.
WTF! Since the term 'Homophobia' has crept into and has become an acceptable part of our vocabulary, we here at PIG can introduce a term of our own, 'Heterophobia.'
Heterophobia n. An irrational fear or hatred on the part of homosexuals toward heterosexuals.
Example of Heterophobia: "Hey Bruce, did you see those breeders* holding hands? Absolutely disgusting!"
*Breeders: A term used by Heterophobes to describe a heterosexual.
WTF! So now you see? Language swings both ways, and the next time, if ever, a GLAAD-BAGger calls you a Homophobe simply because you laughed at, or disagreed with them, tell them to either bend over or open wide as you gag them with the term, Heterophobic.
WTF! Why is it that every time I quit drinking, the price of my favorite beer seems to go down? Or even still, when I decide to go on a health food binge, pizza prices from coast to coast plummet? Are the breweries and pizza peddlers losing stock value because I'm not buying their products and they have to make up for their massive losses by lowering their prices?
It never fails, too, and maybe some of you have had the same experience. You drink your last brew, eat that last slice and decide to kick some unhealthy habits. You then look in the Sunday fishwrap coupon and supermarket insert and supplement section, and lo and behold, that case of beer that cost $15.00 last week, is now on sale for half price.
Same goes with pizza, for example. Your neighborhood pizzeria is now offering the same pizza you ordered just last week on a two for one basis.
WTF! Talk about torture and temptation. It's almost as if THEY know, and will do anything to get your business back.
In the words of Lloyd Bridges in Airplane!, "I guess I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."
That always seems to be the case with me.
WTF! It's correction time.
I dropped the ball in my previous posting regarding foreign born English speakers with thick accents as opposed to American born Ebonic speakers that sound like the Mushmouth character from the old Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids cartoon that seem to speak in a language and vernacular only a select few can understand.
Well, it was brought to my attention, and rightfully so, that I neglected to make mention of certain rustics, rubes and banjo toting inbreds of the Billy Joe Jim Bob Bo and Luke Duke persuasion (rednecks and hillbillies) that likewise were born here, but yet only a select few can understand WTF they're saying as well.
We all know the type. They're straight out of central casting with their pickup trucks, complete with the rebel flags, mullets, gun racks and one-toothed women.
So, in all fairness, I'll offer the following examples of Crackerspeak, found on Wikipedia:
Redneck: "J'ever done gone'n getted that thar thang you was gonna git from the catalog?"
Translation: "Did you receive the item which you ordered from the catalog?"
Redneck: "Makin da laf durn."
Translation: "We are guiding our automotive vehicle to the left."
Redneck: "Relo mah boomstick"
Translation: "Please place more of your ammunition into my firearm."
Redneck: "Gettin my cusin done 'n' watchin the daytona 5 hundrurd"
Translation: "I am taking my lovely wife on a honeymoon."
WTF! You get the picture. Ignorant illiterates come in all flavas, breeds and persuasions.
WTF! Several months ago, my wife and I were with someone of the black persuasion, and that person asked my wife who is from a foreign land and has a thick, exotic accent, "How long have you lived here?
My wife told her how long she has been here, LEGALLY, and our friend wondered, "Why, if living here in America all these years, haven't you dropped your accent?"
Wife replied that she took the time to learn to read, write and speak proper English before she came to America, but that her accent was from her native tongue.
I thought my wife defended herself, which she didn't have to do in the first place, quite politely.
However, a couple WTF thought's popped into my head.
WTF! Why is it that some people that come here with paperwork and pedigree in hand take the time to learn our language and assimilate while certain other's require, no, demand bi-lingual education, handouts, and other freebies, unlike my wife, who has played by the rules, never asked for anything from anybody.
Second WTF thought that seeped into my head, but being a gentleman, I zipped my lips, but could't help getting into Keeper Of The Fork mode by wondering, WTF, why is it that certain people come here, learn the language, still have a heavy accent and get an A for effort for taking the time learn proper English, but certain Ebonic types still can't grasp the simple linguistic skill of pronouncing the word "Ask" as opposed to "Axe" as in, "Axe me a question?
WTF! And this is addressed to illiterate American born's as well as foriegn borns. If reading, writing, speaking, pronouncing and articulating the English language, properly, regardless of accent, was good enough for my foreign born forefathers and wife, it damn well ought to be good enough for the homegrowns.
WTF! Wanna hear the mother of all WTF's?
Thought so, that's why you're here.
Ever have a significant other, and we all know who 'She' is, standing in front of the TV while watching the Superbowl? Well, my 'She' has been properly trained not to do that. It took some time, patience and discipline, and she is properly trained in matters and protocal of the Dudedom when it comes to the viewing of sports on TV.
Sorry for the digression, but the real mother of all WTF's is my satelleite provider, who at the 2 minute warning of the f***king Superbowl, decided to rescramble and download a new signal leaving my TV screen blank, thus, me missing the end of the game.
We are all at the mecy of our cable or satellite pirate providers, and mine fumbled the ball when they ran interference on my once a year Superbowl festivities.
That said, I say WTF, I'm flagging those pirates for unsportsmanlike conduct for ruining my day.
I'll pile on a futher WTF by wondering, why can't they pull that crap at 3:00 AM when nobody but loners, losers, drunks and hookers are still watching infommercials on TV?
WTF! When my next bill comes from the pirates, I'm going to demand an instant replay challenge on my statement and flag them for a personal foul in the form of clipping.
WTF! This one is not so much a WTF take as it is a "Where The Hell Was My Camera When I Needed It" moment, because this would have been a classic.
Driving down the street at a stoplight waiting to turn green, I had an epiphany that the Justin Bieber phenonemon has really done the cultural and musical crossover when I saw a hybrid of Buckwheat and Justin standing on the corner.
Same hairdo, darker skin. So f**King, piss your pants hilarious, you had to be there in order to believe it.
A black kid with a Justin Bieber combover hairdo? What's the world coming to?
Yes, I did say WTF, as I was laughing my ass off watching this kid. My hunches are that with a hairdo like that, he probably lives near the local country club as opposed to the hood, because with a ridiculous haircut like that, white, black, whatever, no one will last more than ten seconds in the hood, at least alive.
So, in essence, Justin Bieber has become as important as he thinks he is by mending racial and cultural fences by influencing not just gullible white boys by emulating his haircut, but also black kids, too.
WTF! Whatever happened to purple and orange dyed mowhawk haircuts?
WTF! Hey all! MLK Day has come and gone. A day in which ALL Guvment workers and benefit recipients got paid to lay around the house or hood on our dime and really, do the equivelent of, pretty much nothing.
Almost as if they were at their 'jobs', huh? Heh, heh.
On a more somber note, it is a day we honor a way forward thinking man whose life was taken too early, yet left a great legacy and many lessons to learn as he helped bridge the racial divide in America.
Okay. That said, the WTF thought goes as such, and this is going to be a personal observation. WTF is up with The News Nit Wits not reporting on law enforcement not setting up sobriety checkpoints for MLK Day activitities? The News Nitwits sure don't have a problem reporting on the DUI arrest tally when it comes to St. Patrick's Day drinking festivities.
WTF! Racial profiling, lack of racial profiling, or both because Barney Fife caved into local political hack's bent, depending on the race or date of the ethnic or cultural occasion is no excuse to make some animals more equal than others in the name of political correctness.
WTF! You know, with all the blaming and finger pointing Obama has been doing, on a very constant basis, regarding the previous Bush Administration and the huge budget deficit and debt HE, "The One" claims he "inherited," the WTFer's just had to wonder.
Why did you take the job as President, asshole, if all you're going to do is blame the previous President for our country's financial problems and bury us in debt with your own underground printing press by devaluing the American dollar
WTF is Obama's successor as President going to claim when he or she takes the heat for inheriting Obama's red-inked multi-trillion dollar bill "We The People, Son's And Grandson's" have to pay for, for his corporate bailouts, golf trips and personal, family, exotic vacations and overall disregard for John Q. Public's personal earnings?
If that person, who assumes Commander-In-Chief status, and is willing and able to look forward, roll up their sleeves and look for solutions, and NOT play the finger pointing blame game, AND realize that they have a job to do, we salute the "New Boss."
WTF! We'll see who blames who in the long run as history judges America's worst President ever, oh, and of course, First lady, (wait, she's not a lady)...EVER!
Oh, another WTF! moment. How could I be so forgetful? About that finger you point Mr. Messiah to blame others whenever you excuse your massive tax, spend and Constitution trampling behaviors, should be shoved straight up your you-know-what.
WTF! Why are Bill Maher, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O'Donnell always referred to as 'Comedians?'
Not one of them has ever said anything that resembles humor in a long time, if ever. Collectively, with all of their empty headed, idiotic, uninformed lip flapping about the evils, faults and shortcomings of white men, past administrations(Bush), foreign policy, immigration, Afghanistan or the economy, the only thing of note that any of these do is contribute greatly to the depletion of the ozone while at the same time, demonstrating what utter imbeciles they are by virtue of opening their traps.
I guess when the 'Comedy' thing runs it's course on these washed-up Has-Beens-That-Really-Never-Were, it's only natural for them to segue and resort to adolescent name calling with a Know-It-All, Holier Than Thou attitude before resorting to fact checking and rational, adult behavior.
Since when has being a washed up 'comedian' been a qualification to be a military strategist, economic forecaster, Beltway insider or even an armchair social commentator? Hell, I'de much rather hear my auto mechanic's opinion on important matters than anything washed up blowhards like Bill Maher, Rosie O'Donnell or Whoopi Goldberg have to say.
WTF! What WILL be funny about them is when their soapboxes collapse and fold from underneath them from the weight of all the hot air they spew.
WTF! Remember back in 1991-1992, we had Hillary running on a Co-Presidential platform, Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Loretta Sanchez running for California seats, and to a lesser degree, the Anita Hill hoax, and the media called it 'The Year Of The Woman'?
But now in 2010 with such a huge surge of female candidates, many Republican or Tea Party, the same glorification or even repsect for women running for office is nowhere to be found?
WTF! Is the media jealous because some of these women actually look and act like ladies?
Is it because they're not as shrill as the Class of '92?
Perhaps in their cases, they really are 'uniquely qualified' to succeed where the current crop of incumbents have failed?
Could it be that - gasp - the current crop of female candidates aren't liberal Democrats that march lockstep with their parties' platform, Pro-Choice agendas and actually think outside the box, and the Beltway?
Methinks it's all of the above! One recent case in point. California Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman was overheard being referred to as a 'whore' by someone from Democratic candidtate, Jerry Brown's staff.
Where was the NOW - National Organization of Witches? They not only stand by Jerry Brown, but supported the use of the word 'whore' in Meg Whitman's case.
WTF! Equality for women is very selective and only extended to certain womyn...by certain womyn.
WTF! (x 4) Am I the only one that thinks that those skin-tight clad, brightly colored spandex wearing bicyclists are the epitome of arrogance?
You know the Asphalt Assholes I'm talking about. Their arroganance and piousness exceed even the most hard core, laptop toting, Art Garfunkle/White Bob Marley looking Starbucks frequenter.
First, these Pavement Punks travel in swarms, non-chalantly commandeering the entire road at times, crossing over THEIR official 'Bicycle Lanes' into the motorists lanes slowing down traffic, usually at a most critical time, like when you really need to use a restroom.
Those same cyclists however, will never let an opportunity slip by to let you know just how Holier Than Thou they are when one of us ignorant and merely mortal motorist's 'encroaches' upon their sacred and precious 'Bicycle Lane.'
Second, if you ever have the misfortune of getting into a conversation with one of them, somehow the discussion always leads to the superiority and craftsmanship of their imported, Tour De France caliber bicycle.
Titanium frame, aerodynamically engineered and made in France, complete with a $5,000 price tag. As if they would be seen on anything less?
Third, they also never miss an opportunity to discount the accomplishments of Lance Armstrong, probably because he's an American, which to them is outright bicycle blasphemy. The nerve. A Yankee Dog showing up the mighty French on their own turf. Why he ought to be flogged with an inner tube for even thinking an American is even remotely superior to or worthy of competing against the French.
Fourth, WTF is up with those ridiculous looking, form fitting outfits that they wear and inflict upon the rest of us. Personally, they look like a 1970's acid trip/discoteque nightmare.
If the cyclist is a weekend warrior, ex-couch potato and male, they insist on showing off their beer boobs, beer guts, baby Bobbit bulges and snow white, pasty complexions.
I have nothing against physical excercise, or bicycling in particular, but if these wannabe Tour De France eggheads really want to put their pedals to the metal, might I suggest they prove their mettle by participating in the Tour De 'Hood, a proposed tournament that rolls right through the PIGDome?
See how far those Cyclo-pathic Sissies get (without getting your fancy bike stolen and your ass kicked by Chuey or Rufus) with those hideous looking tights, Chad.
WTF! I’m sick and tired of being PIG's bearer of bad tidings whenever I post on all the good folks that pass away and make our Toe-Tagged page.
Not wanting to play God by wishing an early demise for anyone, (well, almost anyone) I really do wish that some sub-humans and other assorted scum and riff-raff would simply disappear from the public, for the public's good, of course.
Why is it that individuals that lead productive lives, contribute to the world, and make an impact on those around them either on a large or small scale, die way too early, while others overstay their welcome?
Why can't the takers, whiners, famous for being famous, oily politicians and related pirates and other well known scabs "kill" their public presence and just go away - far, far away and crawl under a damn rock and rot away?
WTF! I lied. I really do have a little, personal list of those I wouldn't mind posting on Toe Tagged, and the sooner the better.
WTF! I’m no Galileo, but I was wondering, if there are 360 degrees in a circle, and it takes one year for the earth to revolve around the sun, how come there aren’t 360 days in a year?
WTF ever happened to keeping it simple?
WTF! On a related astronomical note, why does everyone – News Nit Wit ‘Meteorologist's’ included - refer to the time of day known as ‘dusk’ as ‘sunset’ and dawn as ‘sunrise?’
Last I checked the sun is pretty much stationary and it’s the earth that rotates 360 degrees every 24 hours, thus causing what is referred to as sunrise and sunset.
WTF! Even a dude like me that hated any and all math classes figured that out.
WTF! Why is it that it's perfectly normal for a wife or girlfriend to rifle through a mans wallet, help themselves to however much money they want, and give the dude a third degree interrogation when she finds a strange phone number in dude's wallet, BUT, when a man needs a few extra bucks and looks in her purse, she fells offended and violated?
WTF ladies. If you're so fixated and fascinated by a mans wallet, go get your own!
WTF! WTF is with the obession some people have with Facebook?
I personally know someone whose sole mission in their so-called life is to be on Facebook from dawn til dusk, taking the occasional bathroom break, and a few hours of sleep.
How miserable or empty is your life when it's centered around meaningless cyberchat hour after hour, day after day?
I can see if these losers were communicating with each other to try and find a cure for cancer or put a man on Mars, but the enormous amount of time wasted yaking with other losers is close to sinful.
The problem escalates when you leave in the morning and your significant other is on Facebook. When you get home in the evening, they are still on Facebook with the dishes stacked to the ceiling, the kid is crying, the dog didn't get walked, and of course, NO F***ING dinner in sight.
Then of course, there are those that abuse their bosses computer privleges by Facebooking on the job. That's stealing the bosses time. Might as well drink on the job if you ask me, because both would be grounds for termination.
LOL? Not by a longshot. OMG, more like WTF!!!
The Facebook user will claim to have over 900 'friends' on Facebook that they absolutely MUST communicate with on a daily basis.
900 friends??? Who the f**k has 900 friends?. Who the f**k needs 900 'friends'?
I'm not advocating going overboard, dictating personal behavior or creating a Facebook Nazi movement, but these losers are addicts and they need help, so instead of getting a good Forking, and being about solutions from time to time, I thought that with the proliferation of self-help 12 step programs, let's add another one into the mix on behalf of chronic Facebook losers, users and abusers.
Instead of being predictable and calling our new support group Facebook Anonymous, let's keep it simple and real and just call it Faceless & Lifeless Anonymous, or F&L for short.
Better yet, in the spirit of the old opium dens and cocaine shooting galleries, Facebook users can, when the urge overwhelms them, disappear for days, weeks on end to an actual, not virtual, Facebook House, where they can chat until they are Facedown in the gutter.
I have nothing personal against using Facebook on a casual basis, in fact I have a page of my own. I check it once in a while, for entertainment purposes and to catch up on friends and family activities. Like I said, about once a week. But when a certain somebody becomes so fixated and mesmerized and has to call me into the room every two minutes to see how cute the new nephew is, or so and so just got married, I come ever so close to calling for an intervention before that certain someone gets the hint that I'm about to go nuclear.
WTF, get a real, not virtual life.
WTF! This one really crisps my crust.
Recently, on one of those estrogen inspired, Kleenex passing talk shows, one of the guests happened to be...Ta-Da, a self proclaimed "Adult Film Actress And Artist"
Wow. Your'e an "Actress" for removing your clothes and laying on your back and doing what comes natural to every woman and man?
Wonder what your "acting" qualifications are? Did you hone your "acting" craft studying Shakspearean acting like the great Alec Guinness, or perhaps at the Pasadena Playhouse like Gene Hackman?
If you did so, that would be very impressive, but the truth is, women like you make a lucrative living being performers, not the actresses and Prima Donnas you think you are.
More than likely, you, "Miss Self Proclaimed Actress" you honed your skills and talents in the backseat of a car, or bed of a pickup truck.
The reality is, you are nothing more than a trained performer, like a circus seal, you open every orifce of your body at the snap of a finger, the sound of a man's zipper opening and most important, the sound of a boatload of Benjamins you get for doing your thespian thing.
Enjoy your careers as "Actresses and Artists" laying on your back for a living, because I hope it works out for you when you turn 35 and the adult entertainment industry puts you out to pasture.
Oh, and I also hope your mommy and daddy swell with pride at their little girl's career choice.
WTF! (Another DMV adventure) I recently found myself at my local Mexifornia DMV branch to take care of some pressing business and found to my dismay that since my last excursion, they had completely streamlined their system and geared it towards – now hold on to your hot dogs – efficiency!
I had fully prepared myself for an afternoon of absolute misery, and got myself in the appropriate bad mood and was at the ready to snipe at the drones behind the counters, when to my surprise I was greeted with not only a short waiting time, but courtesy as well.
I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.
I went in, got my number, didn’t have long to wait, took care of my business, and left a satisfied customer. And to top it off and show that they’re really on the ball, they actually failed several non-Engrish/Ingles speaking applicants, proving that they stopped GIVING away licenses but are now requiring some level of competence and road skills in order to be licensed to operate a motor vehicle.
Let me repeat. This was in Mexifornia.
Now, one of two things could have happened. They tuned into this page and read my previous DMV rants (scroll down), which is unlikely, or, someone, something told those drones that due to Mexifornia’s budget mess and DMV furlough days, that they are expendable and can be replaced and better be on their best behavior.
WTF! This is one time I’m glad I was proven wrong.
WTF! What is up with so-called dudes that still wear tighty-whitey's?
Ladies, at this point, you're highly encouraged to take notes on behalf of your man, as you're not quite off the hook if you're guilty of buying nut crunching undies for your 'man.'
Let's get down to nuts and bolts, pun intended.
OK, dudes, as children we're all at our mom's mercy when she purchases those Fruit Of The Looms, Hanes, Spiderman Underoos, whatever, that are sinfully skintight. However, when we develop and mature, and we know that means. It's time to ditch the Volkwagen and make room for the Cadillac.
WTF, Porcus. What are you getting at? Well, Madison Avenue and the advertising industry seems to have no problem with 'female' comfort, either pitching bra sizes or the the latest added comfort of panty liners.
That's fine, but what about the comfort of men, after all we're talking family jewels.
Solution? When necessary, wear boxers for your added comfort and freedom. When not necessary, let your nads and manhood float and dangle with the summer's breeze...
Oh, sure. Like our wives would allow us to show our goods without a support system?
I know I'm going to hear about this, but the entire posting was inspired by an early morning re-run of a Girls Gone Wild informercial.
God bless em.
WTF! What's up with these Bible Thumpers, trying to sell you on their "I'm all messed up on The Lord" guilt trips by saying, "Jesus died for your sins."
Jesus died for my sins? OK. That is a great, altruistic gesture he bestowed upon his fellow man and mankind. But, as far as I know, I never met him, and he took that cross to the hill as his own burden, so why should I feel guilty as a sinner? He was predestined to die for our sins, anyway.
Nifty. Nice, too, in concept, but did Jesus know me as a man? If he did, he would want nothing to do with the likes of me.
My issue with these well intended folks trying to "guilt" me into their church with initial acts of kindness, using Jesus' dying for me as a guilt factor only to ultimately say, "Oh, please make the check out to The Church Of P.T. Barnum"
Remember, there's a sucker born every minute.
But hey, I do want to thank Jesus, not the guilt peddlers, for carrying that cross on my behalf.
WTF! Why is it that when I take a road trip and find myself in a rural area and start fiddling around with the radio dial in hopes of finding some decent music or even talk radio, all the stations get fuzzy, distorted sounding reception EXCEPT for the Spanish language Cucaracha Crap-Ola, or the Beans 'N Rice 'N Jesus Christ Evangelical stations?
Naturally, those stations come in crystal clear.
Makes me want to pull over and pray that I don't puke.
WTF! Why is that when you encounter a "Stoned On Jesus With Blinders On" type, every one of life's problems or questions, according to them, can be found in the Bible and no where else?
Example: Ask them what 'Born again' means. They immediately reply, "According to the Bible..."
Or ask them why bad things happen to good people, and their answer usually begins with "Scripture tells us..."
You can even ask them how they think the Dodgers will do this year with addition of some left handed power hitters and you'll still get "Well, the bible says..."
There sure is a lot of truth in that old Cheech & Chong skit where the dude says, "Hey man, I used to be all messed up on drugs. Now I'm all messed up on Jesus!"
WTF! If the United States Coast Guard is considered a branch of the military for watching over our coastlines, catching drug smugglers and illegals, why isn't the U.S. Border Patrol elevated to the same status for doing essentially the same thing, except perhaps even more dangerous AND with their hands tied by polticians, bureaucrats and Colonista Coddlers? They are put in harms way, everyday, defending our borders, receive virtually no positive recognition, are shot at by snipers and smugglers, and on top of that, they are villified and get called mean, hurtful names, too.
WTF! Why is that you never see Koreans driving Korean imports like KIA or Hyundai, for example? Do the Koreans know something we don't, but should? I find that especially funny, since most Koreans can't tell a steering wheel from a windshield.
WTF! Ever notice that some prima donna assh***s with names that are spelled slightly different, and sound slightly different will stop and interrupt any conversation, no matter how important, to correct anyone with the misfortune of mispronouncing it? Example: A semi-celebrity type by the name of Jackée was being interviewed on TV, and several times stopped the discussion to inform the interviewer that her name was pronounced Ja-KAY. That's Ja-KAY!!! Not Jackee!
WTF! How would anyone know they were speaking to...I mean addressing such an important person? Sista pleeze!!! Sounds like an adult entertainer/stripper working name, if you axe me.
WTF! While watching one of those Sunday morning roundtable discussions here in SoCal recently, the topic was the upcoming elections, and the guests were some political insiders, and the facilitator (code for News Nitwit) asked the following, and I kid you not, was dead serious when she asked, "Illegal immigration. Why is that an issue, here?"
Stop the presses, Pedro!!! WTF kind of question is THAT to be asking here in Southern California?
News Flash for for News Nitwit! What part of M-E-X-I-F-O-R-N-I-A don't you understand?
WTF! Ever notice that those huge, mega Do-It Yourself hardware stores - Home Depot, Lowes, OSH, etc., always show commercials where the scenario is a couple shopping for the perfect kitchen tile, a truckload of sod for the new lawn or several gallons of paint for their nursery, getting it all loaded in their truck and supposedly, heading home.
There is one glaring omission from those commercials. They never show the husband take that detour about a block from Home Depot to pick up that one last item...an illegal invader day laborer, who, when not pissing on Old Lady Nusbaum's prize roses, is patiently loitering, drinking beer and distrubing the peace until he gets picked for the 'Do-It-Yourself-With-The-Help-Of-Chuey & Co.' job.
That, PIGsters, would be truth in advertising.
WTF! It just dawned on me why so many uninformed, ignorant a-holes are protesting or boycotting Arizona over Arizona Senate Bill 1070.
THE BILL WAS WRITTEN IN ENGLISH!!!
WTF! Why is that even after a revenue generating Barney Fife pulls over and issues a citation to someone for whatever petty reason, people always say "Thank you" to the cop? WTF are you thanking him for? Picking your pocket? Forcing you to write a check and mail it in? Taking time out of your day to go down to the courthouse to pay your ticket or attend traffic school?
If you've got nothing to lose and bowling ball sized cast irons, next time just play along and politely sign his little citation, smile and simply say, "Ahem. Sir, don't you think some thanks are in order on your end? After all, I am but yet another notch on your belt, a mere stepping stone on your path to that promotion, and of course, your inflated salary as a glorified hall monitor comes out of my pocket? Oh, and is it true about cops and donutshops...?"
See you in court, after the bruises fade, huh?
WTF! Ever wonder where clerks that work at gas stations or convenience relieve themselves, especially when you ask if you can use their restroom only to have them give you a look of contempt and telling you they don't have a bathroom? Hmmmmm. Just stop and think that if they have no working restroom, where do they do to get relief, and wash up afterwards.
You better think twice before ordering that Slurpee or chili dog.
WTF! This a good one. Ever have that special, absent-minded, lovable someone in your life that is always misplacing things like car keys, sunglasses or a cell phone, only to ask out loud, "Where did I leave my wallet? Have you seen my purse?"
Like I would know?
Well, Mrs. Porcus is the poster child of misplacing things. Sucker that I was, during the first few years of marriage, I would actually try and help her backtrack the damn lost item, and after a while, that crap got old.
Then it dawned on me! I would tell her I know exactly where it is. RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT!
She asked. I answered. Problem solved...on my end, anyway.
WTF! Why is it that one song stuck in my head can ruin an entire day? I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill cranium crunching crappy songs from Sinead O'Conner, Alanis Morrisette, or Mariah Carey. I'm talking about real annoying sounds that when played over and over, can make anyone go Bell Tower.
Ever get the theme from F-Troop, The Oscar Meyer Weiner jingle or a Barry Manilow song stuck in your head for an entire, tortuous day?
You've been there, too, huh? No matter what other song you try to replace it with, it somehow still finds a way to slowly, subliminally creep it's way back, at full tilt no less, to the forefront of the cranial sound system, playing itself over and over again in a continual, non-stop loop, driving you to the brink of insanity.
Gets worse, too. When the day is finally done, and you finally hit the sack and close your eyes for what you think is going to be a peaceful nights sleep, guess what? It's baaaack!
It's days like that that make the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard sound like harps from heaven.
Now go out there and have a great day and don't let the theme song from Facts Of Life ruin your day, over and over, and over...
WTF! Why is it that when Barney Fife has someone pulled over on a freeway, everyone slows down and all you see in front of you are brake lights?
Hell, he's already taken the time to pull someone else over, get out of the car, whip out his citation book and get busy writing a ticket, so why not take advantage of the situation and put the pedal to the metal and gun it? It's not like he's going to drop what he's doing to just to get you.
What are you waiting for? Go ahead and leave Ponch and John in the dust, go like Steve McQueen and floor it a like bat out of brakelight hell!
WTF! Why is it that getting older can be a confusing experience. For example, when guys get as old as some MILF's are, WTF do guys call them now? Since they can't call them The Babysitter, Mrs. Robinson or Schoolteacher anymore, and as a gester of being age-neutral, maybe they should refer to MILF's as...
CWILF's - Co-Workers I'de Like to...?
OHILF's - Older Hotties I'de Like to...?
F-PILF's - Female Peers I'de Like to...?
McHILF's - Irish Hotties I'de Like to...?
WFT! At my age, what's the use? I'll show them a little respect and simply say, ' Hey, Toots!' and wait for that much deserved slap in the face.
WTF! Why is it that I always fall for and plan my weekend around what a News Nitwit piece of eye candy weathergal or unfunny fatass weather dude "predicts?"
So many times "they" are dead wrong, but suckers like me always fall for their crystal ball predictions and end up either soaking wet when "they" predicted clear skies, or stuck at home after giving up tickets to a ball game because "they" predicted rain when it was a beautiful day.
That's my fault for putting stock in someone who's only real skill is looking good and reading a teleprompter.
But what really bends my 'Fork is that the following day, you never, EVER hear these assholes fall on their sword, eat some humble pie, apologize, or admit they were wrong for screwing up your weekend plans. At the very least, they could come out of the closet and admit they attended the Al Gore School of Meteorology Hype and Hocus Pocus.
For that, on behalf of those whose weekends were ruined, or will be ruined by a fucked up forecast, All News Nitwit Weather Drones will receive an Official Porcus Pitchfork Golden Shower Award, and if possible, administered by yours truely.
WTF! Why is it that it's perfectly legal to end the life of an unborn child at an abortion clinic, for say, whatever reason or mood the impregnated woman is in, but when a homicidal scumbag murders a pregnant woman, he's (rightfully) charged with two counts of murder? With that logic, shouldn't abortion be considered a so-called "Hate Crime?"
WTF! Why is it that when it rains in the dirt bowl called Southern Mexifornia, most everyone goes into panic mode and complains about the rain and the ensuing traffic tie ups, landslides and Storm Watch News Nit-Wits, only to have one asshole ALWAYS say, "Yeah, but we need it (the rain)." Never fails.
WTF! Why is it that when a wife or girlfriend insist (drag by the short ones) their man accompany them to the mall, the woman goes into rattlesnake mode when the man notices the hordes of head turning hotties?
What's even worse is three weeks later when the woman asks with her hands on her hips, "Do you still think she's (any good looking woman from the mall that you have long forgotten) pretty?"
As if he remembers, but you know he's cruisin' for a bruisin' when he naively replies, "Which one?"
WTF! Go figure.
WTF! Why is it people believe the fairy tale that all women are beautiful and underneath even the homeliest woman lies a pristine princess dying to get out? Not all women are cover girls, nor do they have to be to be beautiful, and that's OK. I just have a hard time believing monsters like Rosie O'Donnell, Nancy Pelosi, Lorena Bobbitt and the late Leona Helmsley having even a shred of beauty - either inner or outer. There are certain characteristics that can't be changed, not through plastic surgery, liposuction or dieting. Let's face it, some women are shrill bitches at birth. No amount of lipstick will ever make certain women beautiful, but a burlap sack over the head and a muzzle in the mouth are a good start.
WTF! Why is it that Pit Bull owners are ALWAYS uglier, meaner and dumber than their dogs? We've all seen the owners. They're usually wannabe bad-asses who use the poor beast as an extension of the "badness" they don't have. We've all heard the news reports of an innocent child or mailman being mauled by a viscious Pit Bull. The end result is that the dog is eventually put down. Putting the dog down is only half the solution. Why not put the irresponsible owner down with the dog? Now that's killing two birds with one stone. All those in favor...
WTF! Why is it that almost all new, or first generation immigrant groups to America, work their asses off to get out from under the low end of the immigrant totem pole and blend into our melting pot, while others - and you know who you are, Camel Crap - go out of their way to perpetuate and justify not just negative stereotypes of their herd, but generate out-and-out hatred, contempt and mistrust of YOU by everyone else, including some of your own kind, except for CAIR, of course.
WTF! Why is it that immediately following an attempted terrorist threat, Homeland Stupidity and TSA predictably impose even more punitive, invasive and asinine ways of making airline travel for the average airline passenger more miserable, but the News Nit-Wits always seem to get the reactions of some moron that just had a thorough body cavity search that always says something deep, like, "Well, we need to take these precautions."
WTF! Why is it that everyday personal items like lighters, pocketknives, nailclippers, and even shoelaces are not only on The Department Of Homeland Stupidity's list of implements of "Man Made Disasters" but are also on the top of every Educrat's Zero Tolerance Zombies' Shit List as well?
WTF! Why is it that whenever I settle in to watch a rare, half way decent TV show, it's always interrupted by a News Nit-Wit breaking story ALWAYS involving a car chase, preempting my daily Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood viewing time?
WTF! Why is it that Madison Avenue always portrays men as fumbling bufoons that can't turn on a light switch, use the automatic coffee maker, put down the toilet seat or even use a vacuum, when in reality, men are the innovators and inventors of such everyday household conveniences?
WTF! Why is it that when an American born Gringo wants to state his/her opinion on illegal border jumping scum, they always preface their statement with, "I'm not a racist, but..."?
WTF! Why is it that most one-named celebrities - Madonna, Sting, Cher, etc., are revered for their air-headed, fly-by-night causes and opinions by the Brain-Dead, but in reality, can be the world's biggest egomaniacal A-Holes?
WTF! (More Celebri-Trash) Why is it that when a well known person of questionable talent is asked a question on an important issue, they always begin with, "Well, Diane, as an artist, I feel..."?
Who died and made their self-important, "As an artist" opinions more important than my mechanics or butchers opinion?
As far as celebrities go, it should be more like, "Well, Katie, as a well-known A-Hole, I feel..."
WTF! Why is it, according to NO-NAD man-haters, that when a man proudly wields a large caliber, long barreled gun, he is, in Freudian terms, childishly playing with an extension of his phallus, but when a woman gets her hooks on a gun, she is somehow “empowered?”
WTF! Why is it that when a “Joe The Plumber” type, who earns over $100,000 a year merely has a job, but when someone with not even a High School diploma gets off welfare, takes a nine month course at a fly-by-night trade school (as seen on TV), graduates, lands a position earning slightly above minimum wage, they have a “career?”
WTF! Why is it that Orientals and Indians (the tomahawk kind) normally take offense to those terms and instead prefer to be called Asians and Native Americans, except when it comes to the almighty dollar?
The answers are $imple.
Take note of your local A$ian owned Oriental Dry Cleaner or Oriental Noodle Hou$e. They could care less what you call them as long as your money is good and you pay up.
Casino owning “Native American$” don't seem to have any problems perpetuating a tomahawk weilding redskin stereotype with their use of the term “Indian Gaming Ca$ino” all the way to the bank, in Mac trucks no le$$.
WTF! Why is it that the term 'Native American' is limited to Siberian-American's? Isn't ANYONE born on American soil considered a native...to America?
The facade of political correctness ends and hypocrisy begins whenever money is involved.
WTF! Speaking of race, why is it that should I refer to a black person as “African-American” especially when I don’t know where that person really came from?
Example: If I witness a crime by a black person, and am asked by Barney Fife for a physical description, I would say that person had a dark complexion, or, he/she was black. Whether that person is/was from Africa or Antarctica is of little consequence to a physical description.
WTF! Why is it that when Barney Fife pulls you over for suspicion of drunk driving, he makes you recite the alphabet backwards, has you close your eyes, extend your arms and touch your nose while walking a straight line at 2:00 AM?
Who the hell does any of that crap on a regular basis? He may as well have you perform the Nutcracker Suite while juggling chainsaws on roller skates.
Porcus’ advice: Don’t drink and drive unless you have mastered the alphabet backwards and are as agile as an Olympic gymnast.
WTF! Why is that when Pedro and/or Ping Pong are forced to answer a possibly incriminating question in English, all of a sudden, they answer “Me no speaka da Engrish,” but I would bet your bank account they could recite the Gettysburg Address for a million dollars.
WTF! Why is it that when a professional athlete gets caught using steroids, he/she is cheating, but when Pam Anderson surgically inflates her chest, that’s considered 'enhancement'?
WTF! Why is it that moments after the 9/11 attacks, the first group of people to display, uh, hide behind American flags where 7-11, liquor store and gas station owners named Achmed, who had nothing but contempt for America and American’s prior to the attacks, somehow miraculously took refuge in the American melting pot?
WTF! Why is that when approached by a wine soaked panhandler asking for some coin, I'm addressed as ' Kind sir...', but when I can't oblige Mr. "Can I Have Fitty Cent Fo' Some Bus Fare" I'm suddenly a cheap-ass, mo'-f***ing, racist skinflint?
WTF! Why is that some men, who are unwittingly marked as future 'Daddy' material, regardless of his CHOICE in the matter, are called Sperm Donors, but women with alterior motives are never called Sperm Robbers?
WTF! Why is it that when I purchase something at an Asian owned liquor store, the little Mama San behind the counter can calculate my purchase, the sales tax and change due in two seconds flat in her head, and if I’m a nickel shy, she'll demand, “You pay now!”
But when I win $200 from a lottery ticket purchased at the same store, same Mama San, suddenly, their mental calculators freeze up and they have to call in their family to analyze the ticket and call the state lottery commission and have me wait for an hour for my winnings?
WTF! Why is it that when a dude scopes out bare naked hotties in a Playboy Magazine, he is a drooling, knuckle dragging Cro-Magnon that has no respect for his wife or women in general, but when the same dude attends an art museum chock full of Old Master and Renaissance nude paintings and sculptures, he is now, somehow “cultured?”
Conversely, why is it okay for a woman to stand hypnotized for hours at Michelangelo’s David and not be called a pecker-peeking slut?
WTF! Why is it that when a mob of “inner-city” residents burn, loot, murder and riot while chanting “No justice, no peace”, that’s justified and brushed under the carpet as an uprising, or rebellion, but when taxpaying citizens take to the streets participating in peaceful Tea Party protests, that’s considered a Gestapo style lynch mob?
WTF! Why is it that when I need to make a right turn in downtown traffic, Lupe and her 6 kids leisurely take their sweet time crossing the street in ultra slow motion like a mother duck and her brood following in single file, causing me to wait, but the same Lupe can leave a Ferrari in the dust when she illegally crosses the border with Border Patrol Agents hot on her tail?
WTF! Why is it that you never see that urban eyesore, graffiti, scrawled on murals of the Virgin Mary, Jesus Christ, Cesar Chavez, Pancho Villa, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela or better yet, the graffiti vandals parents house?
WTF! Very Recent, Very True DMV Story: Why is it, that when I patiently wait for two long, tortuous hours at the DMV, and I'm 3 away from my number being called, THE F*****G POWER GOES OUT, THE COMPUTERS GO DOWN, AND EVERYONE IS TOLD TO EVACUATE ASAP?
Gets better. I returned the next day with my paperwork AND the number I was assigned the day before in hopes of bumping the line, only to be told I had to start at the end of the line by a high school dropout wearing a security guard uniform.
WTF! Speaking Of The DMV, why is it that I feel like a foreigner in my own country every time I visit the State supported Tower of Babel?
WTF! even more DMV Crapola: Why is it that my local DMV torture chamber has 1/2 inch thick bullet proof plexi-glass and posters on the glass alerting everyone that it's a felony, punishable of up to one year in state prison to threaten a DMV drone? Gee, you think it's because they're on the career fast-track into professional suckage?
WTF! Why is it that the 9/11 terrorist scum couldn't have flown solo (no innocent passengers) into IRS headquarters or better yet, the building that houses my student loan data on a Sunday morning when no one's there except the computers.
WTF! Why is it that whenever a new TV series or movie comes out and is hyped and hailed as "Critically Acclaimed", "The Best Movie of the Year" "Two Thumbs Up" or "A Sure Oscar Contender" how come I already know it's going to spew big, stinky chunks and flat out suck?
WTF! Why is it that a 15 year old girl can't remember what she had for lunch 3 hours earlier, but can remember what color panties Twatney wasn't wearing to the Pop Tarts Award Show 2 1/2 years before and who her date was?
WTF! Why is it that I always get stuck with the dullest knife in the drawer on the other end of the phone when dealing with government agencies and corporate America alike when I have a question or a problem that needs to be resolved?
WTF! Why is it that some folks get “offended” and somehow manufacture artificial outrage when a stereotype is justified? It truly can't be that there's a hell of a lot of truth in stereotypes?
WTF! Finally, why is it I know that you know where to send the hate mail?