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Give him an inch, and he'll take a mile. Just to keep him happy and shut him the hell up, we have a five page Hambo section but we suspect he'll demand more. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Hambo decided to save a few of his favorite rants, at least one of which has never been printed in PIG : Hambo's Greatest Hits • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Hambo's Memorable Meltdowns: Hambo's Tantrums • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Hambo is so full of...it that he's planning a working trip to the D.C. Twilight Zone in January: Hambo for President? • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Hambo is always making up his own theorems or rules. We preseved all those for your amusement here: Hambo's Laws • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • He's always raving about something so we'll sort through his lesser rants and ravings and post them on this page. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

PIG's Editor, Hambo, is, we're compelled to admit, a raving lunatic with the sunny personality of a Tasmanian Devil. That, we regret to inform you, describes his occasional "good" days. When it comes to his bad days...don't ask. The problem with Hambo is this: when you manage to get him "focused" - Tasers, cattle prods and the essential "blunt instrument" - he can crank out some very PIG-worthy prose. Blinded by the possibility of getting more Hambo prose on the site, PIG's esteemed publisher, Porcus Maximus, ordered the staff to create this page for Hambo's ravings.

Since anything as rational as a Hambo schedule is a hopeless pipe dream - Tasers, cattle prods and blunt instruments have their limitations - we can't predict when, or how often, Hambo will tune into reality long enough to give us something printable. After intense negotiation - sweater puppy cleavage and brewskies played an essential role - we forged an agreement with Porcus. Under this tentative agreement, we'll dispatch Spike the Wonder Tyke to open the door to Hambo's steel reinforced dungeon, once a day. When - it never fails - Hambo responds with a profanity-laced tirade plus some paper wads, we'll gather up the paper, throw in a piece of raw meat, then see if any of the scribbles on the paper are ready for prime time. When Hambo's scribbles pass go, they'll be published on this page. We know what you're thinking, and we feel your pain.

Why did we name it 'Hambo's Hammer'? All our other ideas were shot down by our esteemed publisher because they're not suitable for a "family-friendly" publication. He's such a pain that way, but you don't want to get us started on...him.

Just Shoot Me
I heard rumblings about a revival of ‘Knight Rider’, the role that inflicted David ‘The Hoff’ Hasselhoff on an unsuspecting boob tube viewing public, but I did my best to ignore them. That effort hit a snag, this weekend, when my lovely bride told me that one of the networks - NBC, I think -is touting the new improved Knight Rider for the new boob tube.

For those lucky few who are blissfully unaware of this show, I have bad news for you. There aren’t any beach bunnies jiggling across the screen to get your motor running. In this show, The Hoff’s co-star - the ‘character’ who does all the heavy, crime fighting, lifting - is a talking car. That’s right, a talking car which has been upgraded with an artificial personality.

Unhappily, this new Knight Rider sounds like it is a series of stunts and special effects in search of a plot. That’s too bad, because there’s a nifty way to make a revival of Knight Rider compelling boob tube entertainment. How? Hire The Hoff to reprise his role.

Just think of the train wreck that would unfold, every week, when a drunk as a skunk Hoff tried to get the job done, without blowing his lines or passing out in the middle of a scene. This idea is so off the charts spiffy it spawns a second show, that might get even bigger ratings. The second show would be a behind the scenes reality show that follows this alcoholic legend in his own mind while the show’s producers try to get him marginally sober for the next thrilling Knight Rider scene.

The Forgotten Man
Do any of the neo-Marxists trying to ram Messiah Barry Obama down America’s throat ever pay a visit to objective reality? Do any of the Daily Kossacks, any of the Demoncrats, any of the Obamatons, any of Messiah Barry Obama’s broadcast blowjob brigade, understand that it’s Juan McCain running for POTUS, not Sarah "The Barracuda" Palin? I seriously doubt it.

Based on the insane, utterly asinine, crap the Obamatons are spewing, Sarah Mania has sent the lunatic left into uncharted regions of the Twilight Zone. I think it’s time for the Obamaton in charge of the Messiah’s energy policy, to break out the jumper cables and connect the whole Demoncrat mob to their alternative energy powered grid for another round of shock treatments.

Katy appears in the video for the hit in revealing lingerie and posing provocatively, surrounded by writhing models, as she sings ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it / The taste of her cherry chapstick’. Just over a week ago she leapt into the crowd at a gig and kissed a 16-year-old lesbian fan.

At the time, I had no clue about this pop tart. I still don’t, but the popularity of the song is substantiated by a Kiwi radio station named ‘The Edge’:

About 40 girls paired up in Cathedral Square yesterday afternoon and locked lips in an effort to win a trip to Melbourne to see pop star Katy Perry, singer of the hit song I Kissed a Girl. Most looked to be teenagers or in their early 20s with organisers from The Edge radio station urging them to be "as hetero or as gay as you like about it".

The Edge Canterbury brand manager Alice Duncan said the event was "more about the cheeky side"."It's about having a risque (time) and pushing the boundaries." (The Press)

The predominantly male crowd of onlookers deemed the girl-on-girl liplocks pretty tame stuff that isn’t likely to signal the end of civilization. Elsewhere, a Kiwi TFV (Traditional Family Values) cabal, The Family Party, decried the publicity stunt as ‘indecent’ and whined that it is ‘sending the wrong message to young people’.

Here in the Free State of PIG we understand that sometimes girlish high spirits rule the day. I'm calling this one no harm, no foul.

There are some conversations that just aren’t worth having. Why? It’s not the subject matter, which, quite often, is compelling, and worthy of a spirited, but polite, exchange of views. The reason I steadfastly avoid some discussions is the simple fact that it’s usually a waste of time.

A prime example is a subset of true believers whom I call stoneheads. A stonehead is an alleged individual who has ‘received’ the revealed ‘truth’ from some Messiah - supernatural or secular. A stonehead is someone who is eager to share ‘the good news’. He, she, heshe or it brings up the subject of salvation - theological, political, or environmental - but he,she, heshe or it isn't seeking an exchange of views. A stonehead isn't interested in anything I have to say. All a stonehead wants to hear from me is "AMEN". Anything else will be ignored.

I don’t mind hearing their views, but I, respectfully, expect to get my turn at bat. In too many instances, my turn never comes. Instead, I am treated to a sermon on the stonehead’s chosen Messiah and his gospel. I am told that thinking is the enemy of salvation. I am told that I must simply trust that their Messiah, Jesus, Barry Obama, or Al Gore, has all the answers worked out for me. I am told that I must shut off my synapses, say my "Amen" on cue, and stop trying to understand things that are, they claim, above my pay grade.

I enjoy a lively conversation about religion, politics and Global Warming, but I do have a few basic ground rules.

* Rule 1: I get to present my views, too.

* Rule 2: The true believer must know what they believe, and WHY. If you don’t understand it, with a minimal degree of specificity, I don’t want to hear about it. Warning! Knowing what you believe involves more than the tragically familiar: "He said it. I believe it. Amen."

* Rule 3: I won’t tolerate anyone preaching at me. Start up with that crap, and Hambo will roll out his big rhetorical guns.

* Rule 4: If you start up with name calling and similar pleasantries. I will immediately terminate the conversation.

For a long time, my banned subjects - not worth the effort - were essentially related to religion and/or morality. Now, with the Lefties following Messiah Al and Messiah Barry off the cliff into utter and complete irrationality, I have learned that discussing Obamanism and Global Warming rarely worth the bother. Obamatons and Gorebatons want to preach their respective gospels, an exercise in futility which has me reaching for Old Betsy and her brother, Big Bang.

Until these stoneheads THINK through their beliefs, bugging me about their bull crap is the fast track to a Pagan Scribbler Smiting. Trust me, stonehead Sparky, you really don’t want to go there.

Parting shot: Am I referring to anyone in the Free State of PIG? Nope. Am I referring to anyone among the PIGsters? Nope. Am I referring to some glassy-eyed zombies whom I encounter much too often on the job, and other places in/around the PIG Bunker? You better damn believe it Sparky.

Admittedly it’s a oddly enjoyable to watch an Obamaton reach critical mass when you point out the incontrovertible fact that Messiah Barry Obama is a MARXIST, or that Messiah Al is a bloated gasbag who pulls his ‘alarming facts’ out of his fat ass. It’s very enjoyable, but you only get that kind of thrill the FIRST time you say it. Thereafter, it’s rarely worth the trouble.

On Wednesday night, Mike Huckabee got off a gem when he said that Messiah Barry’s " only encounter with a terrorist is having lunch with William Ayres and fighting over who's going to pick up the check."

Sarah Palin got off some good lines, during her acceptance speech. I don’t really give a damn who wrote them because she delivered them well. Here are a couple of my favorites from a published transcript of her speech:

"I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a "community organiser", except that you have actual responsibilities. I might add that in small towns, we don't quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they are listening, and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren't listening."

"I've noticed a pattern with our opponent. Maybe you have, too.

We've all heard his dramatic speeches before devoted followers. And there is much to like and admire about our opponent.

But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform - not even in the state senate.

This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting, and never use the word "victory" except when he's talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed... when the roar of the crowd fades away... when the stadium lights go out, and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot - what exactly is our opponent's plan?

What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger... take more of your money... give you more orders from Washington... and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world. America needs more energy... our opponent is against producing it.

Victory in Iraq is finally in sight... he wants to forfeit.

Terrorist states are seeking nuclear weapons without delay... he wants to meet them without preconditions.

Al-Qaeda terrorists still plot to inflict catastrophic harm on America... he's worried that someone won't read them their rights? Government is too big... he wants to grow it."

Congress spends too much... he promises more. Taxes are too high... he wants to raise them. His tax increases are the fine print in his economic plan, and let me be specific.

The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes... raise payroll taxes... raise investment income taxes... raise the death tax... raise business taxes... and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars.

Evolutionary Roulette
[With women and womyn locked in a titanic battle over Sarah Palin, most dudes are trying to enjoy the cat fight, but really wish the primary New Nitwit combatants weren’t all so butt ugly.

I think this item from my archives will help you PIGster dudes get your heads on straight and understand your role in this hair pulling contest. It’s time to face up to these lefty womyn and their unrelenting hostility to anything male, plus any female who accepts ‘male domination’ - Sarah Palin is their smoking gun.

I know the quotes are dated, but I’m not going to wade through a boatload of Feminazi caterwauling, even for you loyal PIGsters. Don’t ask, because Hambo won’t go there.]

Have you noticed that the higher you climb the evolutionary ladder, the more contentious the relationship between the sexes? Many mammal species exile their males to desperate lives of nomadic solitude for 11 months out of every year. During that other month, the one dedicated to the perpetuation of the species, they subject their terminally horny males to more fun and games. Before a male can consider dusting off what passes for social graces in animal romance novels, the smirky females of his species force him to do battle with other terminally horny males during the 'rut' (an indelicate term for animal slap and tickle).

You don't believe me? I can live with that. Just for fun, lets take a look at one of these tragically oppressed males. California gray whale dudes must listen to 11 months of 'not tonight dear, I've got a headache', then, betting on the statistically daunting prospect that some whale babe will find him suitably appealing, our whale dude chases after the whale babes who can only 'get in the proper romantic mood' in Baja California - thousands of miles from the only place a whale dude with the muchies can bag some tasty eats, the waters off Alaska. And you didn't believe me.

For most of our history, recorded and otherwise, we humans have been an exception to this higher on the evolutionary ladder isn't necessarily better axiom, but that seems doomed to change, if feminists of the Catherine MacKinnon/Andrea Dworkin ilk have their way. Admittedly, there was a time when I could laugh off most of this 'battle of the sexes' garbage, but I'm having trouble finding anything Catherine and her mutant cohorts are doing even minorly amusing, these days.

Rape is "whenever a woman feels violated". Catherine MacKinnon

"Unwelcome sex talk is an unwelcome sex act." MacKinnon

"Romance is rape, embellished with meaningful looks." Andrea Dworkin.

'Marriage is a legal contract which sanctions rape'. Dworkin.

"It [rape] is nothing more or less than a conscious process of intimidation, by which all men keep all women in a state of fear." Susan Brownmiller

"Many feminists would argue that so long as women are powerless relative to men, viewing 'yes' as a sign of their consent is misguided." Susan Estrich, feminist shyster, guru and cable news talking head.

'This random sampling of feminist views provides us with a terrifying peek into feminist thinking about inherent differences they perceive between men and women. These feminists see women as delicate flowers in constant danger of assault. Women need these 'enlightened' feminists to tell them what to think and feel. Women, feminists seem to say, are passive, naive, innocents in need of protection from male predators obsessed with sex. Women, feminists insist, are sexual prey (for marauding men) who are, stalked degraded, humiliated, defiled. In feminist eyes, sex is something done to women.

Men, in this feminist reality are mindless brutes who are subject to explosive outbursts of rapacious savagery whenever exposed to even mildly appealing sexual imagery (written or visual). In this warped feminist view, a man who meets, falls in love with, marries and has children with a woman is no better than the sicko who overpowers a woman, then commits a violent, sexual, assault on her through the use of, or threat of, force. Given half a chance, MacKinnon, Dworkin, et al, would condemn both of the aforementioned men to the same fate: life imprisonment, castration, death.

Put in proper perspective, our horny whale dude, all those head butting big horn sheep dudes, those battling deer/elk/antelope dudes have it made, compared to what their human counterpart is now facing. Give me some serious swimming lessons, a set of fins and a 15 foot whale wanger and I'm on my way. See you in Baja, dudes.

According to NewsBusters, anyone dumb enough to watch MSNBC’s coverage of the Elephant Clan convention in Minneapolis won’t have Keith "The Turd" Olbermann to kick around. The network decided his special brand of joy is too good for the pachyderm punks. Instead, this pile of shit will be ‘anchoring MSNBC’s storm coverage from the Big Apple.

Another MSNBC turd, David Gregory, will stink up the chair next to Chris Matthews in Minneapolis. The suits at NBC say the move has nothing to do with political considerations. On a related note, NBC News officials have several Big Apple bridges they’d like to sell you.

The latest news overflowing MSNBC’s toilet bowl sounds much more likely than this bull crap about needing Olbermann to anchor storm watch. The fun fact is that there’s not room enough for two legend in their own mind turds - Olbermann and Chris Matthews - in the same broadcast studio. Both are in love with their own voice and neither is man enough to share the spotlight. Something had to give.

It’s hard to pick a winner here, since they’re fighting over an assignment that neither of them really wants - anchoring the pachyderm punk convention. Did the biggest asshole get to stay in Minnesota? Or, did the biggest asshole get yanked and sent half a continent away to the Big Apple? That’s your call, just shoot both of these bloviating bastards Sparky.

"Storm Watch"
Is it just me, or were the rain-slickered News Nitwits sounding downright desperate during Monday’s Grand Gustav Extravaganza? In addition to going to ridiculous lengths to promote Gustav to Katrina status, everyone from the anchor in the studio, to the lowest rain-slickered numbnuts acted positively suicidal that Gustav didn’t flatten the City in the Hole By the Sea (New Orleans).

By Tuesday, the Storm Watch storyline had changed and that pimple on humanity’s butt, Big Easy Mayor Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin, was getting all the credit for the well orchestrated response to Gustav. Nobody - and I mean nobody - seemed to give the credit to the man who deserves it, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. He’s the man who made the difference and he deserves the credit, not that pathetic pissant Nagin.

"Boob Tube Programming"
In theory, there’s nothing wrong with programming a marathon to kill some time on a 3-day holiday weekend. In theory, if it’s properly done, it would give rational adults a worthwhile alternative to testing your will to live by watching the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon. In theory.

I don’t know what the cable channel programmers are smoking, but, based on some of their marathon choices, they really need to cut back. Ax Men? Project Runway? Ice Road Truckers? Gene Simmons Family Jewels? Tougher In Alaska? The Dog Whisperer? It’s time to increase the voltage on those shock treatments in at programmer pinhead headquarters.

And what, you ask, did Hambo Watch. Hambo can serve up his own Marathon with all 5 seasons of Babylon 5, not to mention both seasons of a nifty Mystery Series, Nero Wolfe. Now THAT’s entertainment.

The Irish get their due on St. Patrick’s Day, when we get shit-faced on green beer and paste shamrocks on every flat surface.

The Italians get the due, when we celebrate the antics of a severely lost, directionally challenged Italian who blundered into the new world without knowing where he was. In fact, he never did understand where he’d been. Despite it all we honor his blunder on Columbus Day.

Lovers, and the relentlessly horny, get to strut their stuff for that special him, her, himher or it on Valentine’s Day.

Presidents - good, bad and indifferent - get our attention on - DUH - Presidents Day.

America’s honored dead, who died defending our liberty, get our heartfelt thanks on Memorial Day.

The Founding Father’s get the our richly deserved respect for our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness on Independence Day.

The Pilgrims get some TLC on Thanksgiving Day.

The properly-hyphenated, and assorted other chronic whiners, get to strut their stuff and make rational adults miserable with a plethora of ‘pride’, ‘history’ and ‘appreciation’ days, weeks or months.

Sally Steno has what was, in terminally inkorrect times, called Secretaries Day - later Secretaries Week.

On September 1st, 2008, Larry Lunchpail gets his turn in the spotlight with the Labor Day festivities.

Everybody seems to get their turn in the spotlight, except those egregiously maligned achievers, who are villified by the Neo-Marxist horde. All they did was turn an idea into a product or service, then expand it into the industries where we work to feed our families. When are these achievers - Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Henry Ford, Bill Gates, and countless others - going to be given the respect they deserve? When will the writers, thinkers, and scientists who entertain, enlighten, inspire and inform us going to be given their just reward with a day of their own? It’s time for America to cut to the chase and honor such men and women with an Achievers Day, a day on which we salute excellence, in all its diverse forms?

I won’t put words in your mouth, but this Labor Day, I’m going to take a moment to honor those unsung heros of excellence, who made this great nation what Ronald Reagan called ‘the shining city on a hill’. After all they’ve given us, it’s the least we can do to thank them.

Barack Obama, you are a fine public speaker. You are also an extremely liberal Senator from the State of Illinois , which has a long and rich history of political corruption of the first magnitude. You are indeed a child of that system.

You have finally insulted my intelligence far beyond my capacity to tolerate your insults. It has nothing at all to do with your skin color. As a matter of fact, it would be so COOL to finally have an African-American for President. What a great statement that would be to the entire world that we are indeed the greatest country on earth!

But, unfortunately, General Colin Powell is not running, and YOU are NOT the man for this job!

Barack baby, you want me to believe that you have never heard the sermons of your own pastor, the Right Reverend 'God Damn America' Jeremiah Wright. It is a matter of record that this has been your church for over 20 years. It is a matter of record that you were married there by this very pastor, and that your children were baptized there.

The good Reverend saw fit to visit Khadafy in Libya with you and to give a lifetime achievement award to Louis Farrakhan, of all people.

We have all now seen excerpts of his sermons all over the airwaves by now. And you have publicly stated that this man IS your 'spiritual mentor.'

BUT, your pastor is NOT the reason I am NOT voting for you. His words were disturbing enough, but it is your own HUGE church congregation, seen jumping, hooting and howling to his words in the background that disturb me the most. And please don't tell me you attended church there and never once heard a 'discouraging word' in the 20 years you attended there. Don't tell me, that in addition to the good reverend, that you are now not having anything to do with all those other people seen hooting and howling out in the audience in the background of his fiery tirades. Even Oprah Winfrey got disgusted and walked out on your campaign. I am no Oprah fan, but still she did the right thing.

Now you look me in the eye and ask me to believe that you never heard such language in all the years you attended there! This is like me telling you that I attended dozens of Klan rallies and never once heard the 'N' word. Yep. And Bill Clinton 'did not inhale'.

Yes, Mr. Obama, we all have friends who have said stupid things that embarrassed us, but NOW you have asked me to believe something that is so incredibly stupid that you are telling me that I am just stupid enough to believe you. THAT is the main reason that I will never vote for you.

I am deeply sorry, that in a country teeming with enormously talented African Americans who would make a good President, that the political system has chosen YOU. You are a pathetic and plastic excuse for an American, who will not even salute the Flag during the Pledge of Allegiance. God forbid you ever get near the Oval Office.

Which leaves us with Senator John McCain.

John, you are a flawed man. You are a bit old, a bit looney, and you have a notoriously bad temper. This perfectly qualifies you, in my humble opinion, to lead us for the next eight years. I WANT your trembling hand on the nuclear button.

Think about it.

We have Kim Jong IL, Chavez and Ahmadenijad all running around like lunatics, threatening America and threatening to plunge the world into nuclear Armageddon. We have Putin and the Chinese blustering and rattling their sabers at us. I want John McCain in the Oval Office and I want him to be really ticked off at all these other nut jobs around the planet.

John, once you are elected, I want you to go into the Oval Office and throw one of your perfect FITS. Jump up and down and throw something through a plate glass window. Rip the drapes down and foam at the mouth a bit. And I want the whole thing on camera so that Ahmadinejad can see it. I want ALL of these 'world leaders' to lay awake at night and to break out in a cold sweat every time they think of messing with the United States of America.

I want the nuclear button sitting right next to the alarm clock on your night stand. I want pictures of this to be sent to Iran , Russia , China , Venezuela , Cuba , Libya , Syria , Pakistan, and those other dopes in the sheets, the Saudis.

Sarah Palin is a plus on several fronts:

* She seems to be a choice that energizes the Elephant Clan’s disgruntled conservative base.

* She’s young, energetic and seems to be very likeable. She comes very close to neutralizing Messiah Barry’s charisma advantage.

* She’s very appealing to the disgruntled Demoncrat womyn who supported Comrade Hillary.

* Her husband is an Eskimo and is a member of a union.

* She hits all the Elephant Clan hot buttons: family, gun ownership, pro drilling for our own oil, has a son in the U.S. Army.

* She appears to be a fearless, take no prisoners, competitor - her teammates on the school basketball squad named her Barracuda - who won’t be intimidated by Bidenman.

* She takes the ‘Old Republican Boys Club’ canard off the table.

* She threw the News Nitwits off their game plan. On the day when the News Nitwits intended to worship the Messiah’s ascension, the only topic of conversation is McCain’s VEEP choice. DOH! Messiah Barry's ascension speech was relegated to a footnote.

The downside, as stated by the usual suspects - from both parties - is that she’s an untested political bush leaguer who is a heartbeat away from the presidency. This complaint is especially important, given Juan’s age. I get this one, but favor a very ‘green’, real American like Sarah Palin over a very ‘green’ Marxist Messiah. Another complaint is that this is another Juan McCain gimmick. Very true, but this entire election is about gimmicks, because neither of the Oval Office candidates has the right stuff to do the job.

Governor Palin seems to change the prevailing political landscape. Is she enough to tip the balance in Juan’s favor? Is she enough to overcome my major issues with Juan McCain? The answers to both questions hang in the balance. It’s too soon to tell how she will impact the final result. One thing is already certain. Based on the panic among the Messiah Barry Broadcast Blowjob Brigade, Sarah Palin makes this a much tougher fight than the Messiah wanted or needed. That contention will be verified when we watch the News Nitwits do their utmost to assassinate Governor Palin’s character.

Parting shot: Sarah Palin gives the right people heartburn. That, by itself, is enough to make this pagan scribbler welcome her to the national political scene.

Grace Park
If it’s Friday night, that means Hambo is primed for another episode of Battlestar Gallactica. Am I space bonkers? Not necessarily, but good science fiction - and this series qualifies - is a Hambo favorite. The most compelling reason to watch this show, aside from an intricate story line full of unanticipated twists and turns is the hottie you should be ogling with unabashed adoration.

Her name is Grace "Hubba-Hubba" Park. Grace Park is all the reason a red-blooded dude needs to storm his cable provider’s office and demand the SciFi Channel. That’s a fact, PIGsters and you can quote me. It's a damn shame that Battlestar Galactica is fiction, because in their universe there are thousands of Grace Park hotties. Great zot, with that many to go around, every horndog on the planet could have one, even Anthony "Horndog Scott.

Sharon Tay
We’re more than a tad bummed to report that Sharon Tay has dropped off PIG’s vaunted eye candy radar. She first caught our eye while we were visiting the City of Angels and discovered Sharon’s angelic charms being squandered on a local newscast.

Eventually, some horndog on a cable news channel stopped drooling long enough to hire Sharon for an all too brief stint as the hostess of a weekend entertainment show. When that show went off the air, our angelic Sharon disappeared from our eye candy radar.

If you’re like the PIG staff and miss Sharon Tay’s exotic charms, we feel your pain. We’re confident that Sharon will return to the small screen, eventually. But, in the meantime, here’s a taste of her angelic eye candy appeal to tide you over.

Brooke Burke
Once the Queen of E! Television hotness, Brooke Burke has moved on to bigger and better things. We hope she remembered to pack her bikinis when she left E!, because nobody fills out a bikini like our babe-o-licious Brooke.

If you put a gun to my head I'd be forced to admit that her skills -as far as I can tell - begin, and end, with her Eye Candy appeal. While you’ve got that firearm to my head, ask me if I give a flaming damn.

The only thing better than Brooke in her bikini is Brooke without it, the way she was in one of Hambo’s favorite ‘Playboy’ pictorials. I think it's time for Hambo to take a break before he overheats gazing upon Brooke's exceptional...talent.

Kelly Hu
This stellar example of Asian hottness is Kelly Hu. Among other things, she's a prime reason a big screen action yarn called "The Scorpion King" is so popular in the editorial compound. She is, quite frankly, all the reason you need to watch this epic. Oh, I know there’s that guy - what’s his name - in it. And, there’s lots of action, both of which are cool. But when you get right down to it, Kelly Hu is the main reason I pop that "Scorpion King" DVD into the player, whenever Hambo is locked and loaded for a session on his rowing machine.

Kelly and her superb "stuff" are a welcome addition to Hambo’s eye candy collection. Since I'm posting her on this page a few days before Christmas, you can think of Kelly as a very special gift that a benevolent Hambo stuffed into your, uh, stocking.

Jeri Ryan
What Hambo’s Eye Candy needs is a generous - to a fault - helping of blonde goddess sex appeal. When it comes to that, who better than Jeri Ryan, a thespian who squeezed into a curve hugging jumpsuit and did the impossible, saved ‘Star Trek: Voyager’ from a richly deserved extinction. As Seven of Nine herself might put it, "When you look like Jeri Ryan does in that jumpsuit, plot points are utterly irrelevant."

I’m pleased to report that, based on a recent photo spread in FHM magazine, Jeri still has what it takes command a red-blooded dude’s undivided attention.

I know what you’re thinking and I have an answer for it. "Is Jeri Ryan and her jumpsuit reason enough to watch an otherwise forgettable addition to the Star Trek series?" You better damn believe it, Sparky. Jeri Ryan still rocks Hambo’s world.

I know that certain PIGgals hate Hambo’s excursions to that dark, ‘hormonal’ side of his nature, but this dude does not live by table pounding tantrums alone. Hambo is merely mortal that way, so it is with great pleasure that I welcome Jeri Ryan as the latest member of Hambo's Eye Candy.

RAMBO'S IN AFGANISTAN
BATMAN'S ROUND THE BEND
SUPERMAN HAS KRYPTON RASH
AND CONAN'S INTO ZEN.
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
IT'S SCARY BUT IT'S TRUE
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO?

THE BIG ONE'S STALKIN OLD L.A.
OLD RICHTER'S SURE TO PEG
YES, SHAKE & BAKE WILL ROCK AND ROLL
WHEN ANDY SHAKES HIS LEG
DON'T NEED NO MOVIN EXPERIENCE
IT AIN'T MY KINDA THING
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
IS THE FAT CHICK GONNA SING?

THE HORNET LOST HIS STINGER
G.I. JOE WENT PETER PAN
WONDER BABE HAS PMS
AND XENA’S IN IRAN
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
I'M NOT EXACTLY THRILLED
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
THIS STUFF COULD GET ME KILLED

REPORTS OF SIGHTINGS FAR AND WIDE
DO GIVE US SUCH A FRIGHT
THEY USE THEIR ALIEN DEVICES
TO ROB OUR WILL TO FIGHT
THESE SMALL, STRANGE-EYED INVADERS
HAVE GOT US ON OUR KNEES
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
SAVE ME FROM THOSE DAMN CHINESE!

SHE-RA HAD A SEX CHANGE
HE-MAN'S DOWN WITH STRESS
THE HULKSTER'S OUT IN HOLLYWOOD
AND GERALDO'S JUST A...(MESS)
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
I'M GONNA NEED A HIT
THERE'S A SUPER-HERO SHORTAGE
THIS WORLD HAS GONE TO SHIT.

(CHORUS)
THERE'S A SAILORS CONVENTION IN MY TV ROOM
IT'S A FOUR-LETTER HALL OF SHAME
IF YOU WANT YOUR BOOM-BOOM BLISTERED
TELL HER FOOTBALL'S JUST A GAME.

(VERSE #1)
LURING US WITH PROMISES
AND LOTS OF PRETTY WORDS
LOADS OF VERBAL FERTILIZER
BEING SPREAD BY MEGA TURDS

(VERSE #2)
THIS ONE CALLS IT 'RESOURCE'
THAT ONE PREFERS 'REVENUE'
HELL, IT'S JUST A FUCKIN' TAX
WHEN IT GETS TO ME AND YOU

(VERSE #3)
BY STEALIN FROM TOMORROW
THEY PAY OFF YESTERDAY
IT'S JUST THE SAME OLD SHELL GAME
WANT TO GUESS WHO GETS TO PAY?

(CHORUS)
THIS ONE, THAT ONE
JUST A PAIR OF FOOLS
DOUBLE-TALKING POLITICIANS
PLAYIN WITH THEIR TOOLS