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HAMBO THEORIES | ANSWERS FOR QUESTIONS YOU NEVER ASKED

MORE HAMBO

Give him an inch, and he'll take a mile. Just to keep him happy and shut him the hell up, we have a five page Hambo section but we suspect he'll demand more.
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• Hambo decided to save a few of his favorite rants, at least one of which has never been printed in PIG : Hambo's Greatest Hits
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• Hambo's Memorable Meltdowns: Hambo's Tantrums
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• Hambo is so full of...it that he's planning a working trip to the D.C. Twilight Zone in January: Hambo for President?
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• Hambo is always making up his own theorems or rules. We preseved all those for your amusement here: Hambo's Laws

He's always raving about something so we'll sort through his lesser rants and ravings and post them here: Hambo's Hammer.
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Hambo Theories? You better believe it, green with envy Sparky.

Grab a brewskie, hunker down in your favorite chair, and prepare to be thrilled. Thrilled? You bet, because I’m about to answer those burning questions you should have asked, would have asked, if you knew that Hambo had that elusive answer.

Questions? What questions?

Why is the person manning the phones at an especially busy enterprise, the ONLY employee who is flunking English as a THIRD language?

What’s the REAL reason NO-NADs hate men?

Why are all the other lanes on the Expressway moving faster than yours?

What’s the REAL, ultra top secret, purpose of your city’s Expressway/Freeway system?

Why does everything you encounter have an undisclosed, unavoidable, dark underbelly?

What is Messiah Barry’s deep dark secret, a secret so horrendous that it would kill the tingle in Chris Matthews leg, permanently?

Wonder no more, PIGsters, because the FSOP’s great explainer has the answers locked and loaded.

Brewskies ready? Let's get started.

 
Why is the person manning the phones at an especially busy enterprise, the ONLY employee who is flunking English as a THIRD language?
 


Theory 1: When picking someone to answer the phone for them, a given cabal, will, invariably, select the member of the group who is the most pathetic, when it comes to making him, her, himher or its self understood.

At one point in my alleged career, I toiled as a field service engineer. The key to success in that field of endeavor was getting meaningful information from the customer on the nature of his high tech hardware malfunction. That essential task would guarantee that I’d load up with the necessary spares to get the problem fixed on the first visit.

For some inexplicable reason, customers delighted in making this task challenging by assigning the one person on their staff who had flunked his REMEDIAL English as a THIRD language course. The mangled English was such a thrill that it elicited Hambo’s first theory:

If you call the English department at Oxford University, the person answering the phone will be some heavily accented dweeb who might be speaking something, but whatever it is, it ain’t English.

There’s never a Press ‘1' for English when you really need it.

 
What’s the REAL reason NO-NADs hate men?
 
Theory 2: The REAL reason NO-NADS hate men has nothing to do with ‘the patriarchy’. NO-NADs hate men because dudes can take a whiz, standing up.

I had my moment of clarity during an outing with some friends. Having ingested the requisite quantity of adult beverage, nature called. The truth ‘hit’ me when Ziggy "The Brain" Kowalski bailed out of the car to drain the weasel behind a nearby tree. One of the females present expressed her profound disgust for this advantageous bit of male physiology with an impressive burst of Ziggy bashing profanity.

Eureka! NO-NADs hate men because the male of the human species is suitably equipped to take a standing whiz. Relief is a simple matter of zip, whip, whiz, shake, tuck, zip, get on with the business at hand. We’re in and out, in a couple minutes, while SHE is still in that line outside the ladies room. That’s when the penis envy reaches critical mass.

This wang envy gnaws at them, growing stronger every time they must stand in line, waiting, endlessly, for the women’s room while HE is in and out of the men’s room in a heartbeat. Eventually it unhinges the poor darlings completely.

You’d think that they’d be feeling smug because they outlive men, but NOOOOOOOO! They’re eaten up with jealousy, because men can take a standing whiz. Isn't it about time they got over it?

 
Why are all the other lanes on the Expressway moving faster than yours?
 
Theory 3: No matter which lane you pick, the other lanes are going to move faster.

If you’re in the checkout line at the store, or on the expressway, you’ll be nailed by this one. I know what you’re thinking, but you can’t out think this one, no matter how hard you try. How does it work? I’ve discovered that, when you’re in a lane, you exude a powerful force which slows down time, directly ahead of you. Its strength is directly proportional to your need for speed. I think this is covered in Einstein’s VERY special laws of relativity, but don’t bet the farm on it.

 
What’s the REAL, top secret, purpose of your city’s Expressway/Freeway system?
 
Theory 4: Attitude Readjustment

I hatched this theory, while I was working in field service. Trapped on America’s highways and byways with my fellow alleged humans, I wondered if this is the optimum way to transport people from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’. The expressway (freeway) might appear to be a high volume transportation system, but in many cases, appearances are deceiving. Eventually, I decided that there were dark, Nanny State, forces at work, and that’s when it hit me.

I think some human factors egghead concluded that the state’s economy would be greatly enhanced, if we could simply adjust a motorist’s attitude to optimize his money making potential. Well rested, enjoying the birds’ morning concert, having eaten a nice breakfast, and engaging in some savory chitchat with the family, the commuter was in the wrong mood for the dog eat dog capitalist marketplace. What to do? The answer seems obvious. That sunny, the world is my oyster, attitude needed to be adjusted. That’s the what, now we must confront the ‘how’.

With the proper application of stress inducing factors, our worker would arrive at work ready to kill his beloved granny to make a buck. Am I insane? I don’t think so, sticks and stones Sparky. Think about it. Why do they close a lane during rush hour for no apparent reason? Attitude readjustment. Why is it always the traffic signal at the worst possible spot that goes wonky? Attitude readjustment. Why do they drill holes in a perfectly good road making it a misery to use? Attitude readjustment. Why do they shut down the only three expressway off ramps which will get you where you need to go? Attitude readjustment.

The same system works in reverse, on the way home. After all that unwanted attitude readjustment drama on the way home, the commuter is too worn down to murder the whole family in their sleep. Instead, he, she, heshe or it grabs a brewskie, collapses in the recliner then tries to get ready to do it all over again, tomorrow.

Parting shot: A few years ago, I actually road tested this one, while I was attending a Christmas Party thrown by my lovely bride’s employer. Since I have one of those jobs that’s hard to describe, I went for the gold, when someone asked "what do you do". Without batting an eye, I dead-panned my way through "I’m an attitude adjustment engineer with the state highway department." As expected, they went for the bait, and asked me what that meant. Rising to the occasion, I launched into a monologue similar to - but much more detailed than - the foregoing rant, AND THEY BOUGHT IT. Suitably impressed, my lovely bride later accused: "You lying bastard, you could sell an ice machine to an Eskimo."

 
Why does everything you encounter have an undisclosed, unavoidable, dark underbelly?
 
Theory 5: Perks and Penalties

I’ve noticed that Mother Nature has a twisted way of balancing her books. For every biological perk, she imposes a corresponding penalty. Here's a sample.

Perk: A male California Gray Whale has a wang that's at least 12 feet long.

Penalty: Despite his impressive 'gear', he only gets laid once a year. First, he listens to months of 'not tonight, honey, I've got a headache'. Then, since she can only get 'in the mood' to hell and gone from the only place a whale dude can get a decent meal, he must swim thousands of miles for a shot at his once-a-year booty call.

Mother Nature pulled a similar trick on us. After giving human males this standing whiz perk, this sick wench was compelled to impose a corresponding penalty. That’s why she affixed the troublesome male appendage in front, then made life thrilling for males by giving them a hair-trigger libido that’s triggered by visual stimuli. How the hell is a dude supposed to convince some hottie that he ‘loves her for her mind’, when that tent in the front of his pants is screaming, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

Perks and Penalties Part Deux

Warning! If you detect some hidden meaning in the examples sequence you need help. It might be time to sign up for a 12-Step program to kick your habit, stoner Sparky.

Life is, as many of us have noticed, defined by off-setting conditions. For example, nature is replete with incidents of off-setting natural forces. The thrust of a jet’s engine is offset by a physical property we call ‘drag’. Electrons moving through a wire are offset by the wire’s inherent resistance. Our planet is held in its orbit by a balance struck between the Earth’s momentum and the Sun’s gravity.

Human biology is also defined by these off-setting forces, what I like to call ‘perks’ and ‘penalties’. Human males get the ‘perk’ of a standing whiz, plus an ‘instant on’ arousal mechanism. It’s the latter which imposes the penalty. Instant on is an automatic response, which a dude can’t always control and is destined to be embarrassing. I guarantee that, sooner or later, every dude will pitch blatant, involuntary, ‘wood’ when he’s trying to convince her that he ‘loves her for her mind’.

Human females get the ‘perk’ of being multi-orgasmic, but it, too, has a penalty. Unlike the male, there’s no ‘instant on’ feature, so, before she can go off like a 21-gun salute, someone has to coax her nads into a cooperative frame of mind.

Once you set your mind to it, you’ll notice perks and penalties cropping up everywhere. It’s what ‘they’ mean by ‘life is a series of tradeoffs’.

What: Cable Television
Perk: Your cable provider brings 5,000 channels into your home.
Penalty: At any given point in time, 4,999 of them suck and the other one is having ‘technical difficulties’.

What: Paris Hilton
Perk: She’s not hideous and she’s a member of a very RICH family.
Penalty: She has the world’s shortest attention span and her diseased nads have seen more traffic than the Holland Tunnel.

What: A Citizen’s Right to Vote
Perk: As an American citizen, you get to pick the Elected Tormentor(s) who will represent you.
Penalty: Every intellectual flatliner gets the same perk, which explains how an unabashed Marxist Messiah won the keys to the Red Shed’s Oval Office.

What: Modern Telecommunications Technology
Perk: Modern communications technology allows you to make those essential connections no matter where you go.
Penalty: Some bellowing Cellidiot asshole will exercise his, her, hisher, or its perk while you’re trying to watch a movie in the local cinema, or dine at your favorite restaurant.

What: Inalienable Individual Liberty
Perk: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
Penalty: Those selected to preserve, protect and defend your liberty are the ones most likely to trample on it.

What: Mexifornia
Perk: It’s blessed with countless natural wonders and mild weather.
Penalty: It’s populated by a critical mass of raving moonbats who, invariably, punch a chad for some rampaging, Marxist.

What: "No Assembly Required"
Perk: The salespunk assured you that your new whizbang is "so easy to install that even a child can do it."
Penalty: There’s never one of the smartass snot-gobblers around when you really need them.

By now, you should have the big picture. All things considered, Perks & Penalties aren’t a fate worse than death, if you’re paying attention. You need to train yourself to look past the perk, which is always front and center, to check out the penalty that’s lurking in the shadows. Study the perk and penalty closely, critically, then ask yourself "Is it worth it?"

Parting shot: It’s a slam dunk that, sooner or later, I will revisit this topic. Stay tuned.

 
What is Messiah Barry’s deep dark secret, a secret so horrendous that it would kill the tingle in Chris Matthews leg, permanently?
 
Theory 6: Bonus Theory

New Theory About The One

I've hatched a new theory about Messiah Barry.

It starts with a good time loving, dope smoking, dude whose ambition is to spend his life getting high and getting laid. He dreams of a no pressure job, where nobody expects him to do anything but cash his checks and party hearty. His name was Barry.

His happily ever after hits a scowling speed bump, when a hellish, shrew of a woman sinks her hooks into what she considers a diamond in the rough, whom she marries. She polishes her diamond, hounding him into meeting her idea of the right people. When the shrew finished with him, Barry was gone and Barack had, reluctantly taken his place.

Profoundly unhappy, our hero doesn't have the stones to tell them all to piss off. Instead, he lets his shrew wife hound him into a series of increasingly stressful jobs, all of which he despises. Eventually, he's hounded into the most stressful job on Earth and he hates it.

Since he can't tell the shrew to STFU, he refocuses his anger on a nation that put him into that hellish job. He's taking out his shrew-directed anger on We the People and this land conceived in liberty because he's afraid to confront his wife and tell her: Leave me the fuck alone, bitch.

What Barack hates most of all isn't America. What he really hates is his life. He wants to be Barry again.

 

 
New Hambo Theories That Are Under Consideration
 
Newton's Dirty Little Secret

"Don't be a schnook, you know you're gonna look."
-- Ziggy "The Brain" Kowalski

One of Newton's least known laws, states that sweater puppies create their own gravity well, after they cross a certain 'size' threshold. Women, by and large, have a natural immunity, but men don't. That's why, no matter how hard a dude tries, no matter how gross the sweater puppy packer, the bigger they are, the more impossible it is for him not to stare. It's not bad manners, it's science, Sparky.

Hambo’s Conspiracy Theories

Here are two new theories that are currently under consideration.

Hambo Conspiracy Theory I: The current lull in solar activity is a plot by Dick 'Darth' Cheney to make Al Gore look bad. Have you ever wondered where all that disappearing Arctic ice went? I am reviewing evidence that Darth Cheney gathered it up and fired it into the Sun to cool that sucker down. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Hambo Conspiracy Theory II: Is it just a coincidence that you never see Messiah Barry and Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman in the same place at the same time? I don't think so.

 
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