According to a venerable dose of Scottish wisdom, "confession is good for the soul". Some of our harshest critics whine that we have a lot to confess. In fact, certain relentlessly caterwauling whiners insist that the FSOP needs to purge the dark stain of mean-spirited, downright snarky, rhetorical broadsides, by apologizing to our countless victims. After giving that blubbering bull crap thoughtful consideration, we laughed like mental patients, then cracked open a new round of brewskies. Game, set, match? Not exactly.
Eventually, as our hangovers abated - slowly - we gave the idea some 'sober' (relatively speaking) consideration. Despite being proud of our wicked wit, we, reluctantly, admitted that, from time to time, our pointed prose inflicted some unintended collateral damage. "You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs" sums it up nicely. Suitably chagrined about these 'innocent victims' of our PIGish prose, we decided to do the right thing, by manning up for a properly PIGish apology.
Our esteemed publisher, Porcus will get us started.
The Free State Of PIG apologizes for being overly and overtly critical of those we have disagreed with over the years. We're sorry for pointing out fatal flaws with organized and individual idiocy as we thought we saw it.
We're sorry for offending people by exercising our First Amendment Rights at the expense of others' hurt feelings. We didn't know your plight.
We're sorry for being snarky and sarcastic when we should have been more considerate.
We're sorry for calling out people of color, transgenders and those we used to consider the fringes of society, and yes, we admit to being born privileged by virtue of being white.
We apologize for not feeling your pain and recognizing your victimhood status.
We're sorry if we were a catalyst for some that feel the need to hide from reality and hibernate in Safe Spaces. As a relief effort, we'll donate some blankies and lollipops as an act of goodwill. We sincerely hope you accept us extending an olive branch in the name of peace and harmony.
We're sorry for calling out the Pop Tarts, highly paid athletes and dumb criminals. We never considered they have mothers and fathers that love them. Can we ever be forgiven for hitting below the belt?
We're sorry for all of our name calling, in-your-face antics we have perpetrated online for all of these years.
We're sorry for self identifying as PIGs when what we really are a couple of unicorns seeking the ends of that all elusive utopian rainbows, just like you.
Most of all, we're sorry for being what we thought was honest commentary when much of the time, we just acted as spiteful and skeptical observers that called them as we see them, or so we thought. If you want to call that Hate Speech, well, we're guilty and very remorseful.
As publisher, I most humbly apologize for unleashing the likes of Hambo upon the cyberspace community, and I vow to fall on my sword right about…
Let 'em have it Hambo.
Stand by for sloppy sentimentality, PIGsters, because the Free State of PIG is going to, once again, road test our elusive 'sensitive' side. How? We decided to serve up a public apology for certain inexcusable instances, where we got it terribly, tragically, wrong.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right. On at least two prior occasions, we tried to purge the stain from our PIGish souls for sins like these:
We apologize for wanting to slather Teddy Kennedy with butter and roast him over a slow fire. We're ashamed that we wanted to waste butter on something this trivial...all things considered, lard is more than sufficient and utterly appropriate.
We apologize for believing that Twerpy Tommy Cruise needs to be hooked up to the power grid and jolted back to objective reality, no matter how long it takes. The power grid, is, we admit, overkill; four PIG staffers with cattle prods should suffice.
We got off on a wrong foot with Messiah Barry, when, inspired by Rush Limbaugh, we called POTUS punk 'Barack O'Dumbo'. How could we be so callous? In addition to slandering the noble pachyderm, we managed to denigrate 'Dumbo', one of the most beloved cartoon characters in Disney history. That's right, PIGsters, this apology is 'for the children'.
We apologize for wanting to put a bag over Paris Hilton's head then encase her hyperactive, diseased, nads in an industrial strength chastity belt. It's insensitive of us, in the extreme, to use just any bag, so we're willing to make amends, by Emerilizing it to a "Gucci" bag.
We apologize for thinking that anyone who screws with America needs to be stomped, HARD. We never should have said "stomped", because, the right thing to do is nuke the bastards until they glow.
After that deeply moving trip to Apologyville, you'd think that we would know better. If, like us, you thought that, welcome to the wonderful world of 'oops, we did it again'. Falling back into those old, familiar, snarky to a fault, habits, we added numerous new entries to our 'victims of PIG's wicked wit' roster.
Here are - this will hurt us more than it hurts you - some painful examples:
We're compelled to apologize for calling Chuck Schumer, a "son-of-a-bitch". It was heartless and cruel of us to insult the noble canine, by assigning Chucky's lineage to the wrong branch of the animal kingdom. Now that we've seen the errors of our ways, we realize that, obviously, he's the latest, and the biggest, in a long, legendary, line of raving jackasses.
We're horrified that we continue to call Quentin Tarantino an "asshole". How can we ever atone for this egregious insult to Charmin toilet tissue, by putting it up close (too damn close) and very personal with THAT stinker? Mister Whipple must be turning in his grave. Sorry about that, dude.
We went unpardonably wrong, when we, repeatedly, sneered that Debbie Wasserman Schultz is 'dumber than a box of rocks'. How can we face ourselves in the mirror, after we vilified the proverbial box of rocks, which, truth be told, never uttered anything as asinine as the typical DWS outburst.
We apologize for pinning the term 'racial extortionist' on Je$$e. That, we now realize, was an insult to hardworking extortionists. We understand, now, that extortionists are much higher on the criminal food chain, than Je$$e who is, in reality, a racially-motivated MUGGER.
During a prior apology tour, we were forced to apologize for comparing a Comrade Hillary presidency to Joseph Stalin's bloody reign of terror. Did we learn our lesson? Apparently not, because we kicked it up a notch, by calling Messiah Barry 'the second coming of Stalin'. Once again, we are forced to apologize to Papa Joe Stalin, a tragically misunderstood Ruskie, who was, in fact, channeling that legendary Ruskie funster, Ivan the Terrible.
We're ashamed that we advocated dragging our Elected Tormentors out of their cushy, reality-insulated, offices, then lining them up against the nearest wall and shooting them down like dogs. We'll never forgive ourselves for advocating wasting a precious resource - high caliber ammo - so foolishly. Having seen the light, we decided there's a better way, one that won't deplete our ammo stockpiles. What way? You'll find out in our next pitstop in Apologyville.
We apologize for our holdover belief from a prior apology tour that our alleged government would function much more efficiently, if an asteroid hit the capitol building while congress is in session. It's still wrong of us to condemn quasi-rational Elected Tormentors like Ted Cruz and Rand Paul to the same fate as the others. We see our mistake and will give these two Legicrats a 10 minute head start, before the smiting ensues.
We deeply regret saying Porn Star Kardashian has an ass the size of Jupiter. The fifth planet from our Sun deserves more respect than that. Besides, Porn Star's gigantic caboose is, in fact, a dead ringer for the Southern end of a Northbound hippo.
We got much too full of ourselves, when we opined that San Fran "Botox Bitch" Nan Pelosi and Dingy Harry "Crypt Keeper" Reid belong in a sideshow's house of horrors instead of Congress. We never intended to insult Wolf Boy, Snake Girl, the Bearded Lady, the Bay Area Conservative, the Los Angeles American Citizen, the Token Alabama Rational Adult or any other atypical individual, by implying that you had sunk to the level of a Pelosi or a Reid.
We deeply regret making that notorious bun ranger, Barney "Lisping Lunatic" Frank, the BUTT of all our homo alleged humor. If we, inadvertently, offended any proctologists in the PIGdom, we apologize from the BOTTOM of our hearts. (Chortle, chortle, chortle.)
We, belatedly, see how wrong it was to call Jihad Jimmy Carter the worst president in American History. We done you wrong Jimmy, but we're going to make it right, by admitting that an even bigger turd just splashed down in the Red Shed's bowl. Sad news peanut punk, you're not even memorable enough to rate 'worst mistake America ever made'. It must really suck to be you.
We're deeply moved by the caterwauling of campus crybullies of the black lives matter ilk. We're whipped with guilt over the way our white privilege riddled culture imposes itself on the hallowed hyphenated horde. Feeling their pain, we're ready, willing, and eager to remove the heavy yoke of white privilege from them.
How will me manage that? How indeed:
The entire telecommunications industry reeks of white privilege since it's all based on an invention by Alexander Graham Bell who was - shudder - white. This white-privilege millstone must go, and that means no oppressive smart phone, land line phone, wireless device, or internet connection will prolong your suffering. Someone will arrive shortly to collect these tools of white oppression.
If you think Alexander Graham Bell is the poster dude for white privilege oppression, get over it. That honor belongs to another white male, Thomas Alva Edison. This heartless monster's white privilege sin is off the scale, since his inventions include: the power grid, the light bulb, the phonograph and the motion picture. For a life unburdened by whitey, the victims of white privilege must jettison their use of our power grid, a liberating move that will ease the cultural shock of their disconnect from the music industry and the movie industry.
Get a pair of walking shoes, because you'll be doing a lot walking after we collect your car which traces its lineage to privileged white males. If you're planning to find some way to power your boob tube, get over it. The televison industry is also constructed on a solid foundation of inventions and discoveries perpetrated by - yes again - whitey.
No phones? Yup. No electrical power? Yup. No music, radio, television or movies? Yup. Don't plan to do any reading, either, because the printing press is another whitey imposed burden thanks to Gutenberg.
How will you survive? Not our problem since you want our white privilege saturated culture out of your life. All we're doing is making amends by helping you shed your white privilege baggage. We're confident you'll learn to like living in your cave. Heat and light won't be an issue, since we're assured that black lives matter marauders have well documented experience when it comes to starting fires.
After reading our list of 'heartfelt' apologies, I'm compelled to admit that 'We're sorry' isn't the Free State of PIG's best move. It's much harder than it appears, an onerous task made especially difficult since, obviously, our hearts aren't in it. I'd like to tell you we give a rat's ass, about any boo-boos we inflict on the richly deserving, but I can't. Asleep or awake...drunk, stoned or sober, no self respecting PIGster is going to buy into this tour through Apologyville. Despite that, we decided to run it up the FSOP flagpole, on the off chance that some of you might be suckered into saluting.
The only REAL apology in this entire piece is our apology to you. Despite our best efforts, we still haven't managed to paint our PIGish bull's-eye on all those targets of opportunity who are, quite frankly, begging for it. We apologize for THAT and promise to keep on spreading our special brand of joy, until we nail each, and every, one of them.
If at first we don't succeed, try, try, again? You better believe it, Apologyville isn't our kind of town Sparky.