Thanks to the likes of Je$$e, Inc, the promulgation of "Special" rights has become America's foremost growth industry. This week, your humble Free State of PIG hosts dare to ask: Why not create a special Bill Of Rights, based nothing other than their so-called 'needs'?.
"Each individual is born with a full complement of rights. The government can't give you new rights; it can only take the ones you already have".
– PIG Doctrine
One inescapable feature of every election cycle is a familiar Elected Tormentor canard called the "(Name Your Poison) Bill of Rights". Over the years several of these Bills of Rights have been in play. Here are a few that come to mind:
The Airline Passengers Bill of Rights, which got shot down in a federal court.
The Home Buyer's Bill of Rights, is a done deal in Progtard bastions like Mexifornia and Maryland.
The Car Buyer's Bill of Rights is also a done deal in many states.
Shoppers Bill of Rights [we call it The Oprah law] Lard ass's shopping adventure in Switzerland spawned these rights which 'protect' Melanin-Enriched shoppers from being 'racially profiled' by high end outposts of capitalism.
Last, but far from least, there's the very special rights conferred on GLAAD BAAGs. The bun rangers, muff divers, and genderally indecisive, and/or genderally flexible, have very special rights which allow them to coerce, at the point of a Nanny State gun, mom and pop outposts of capitalism to provide the relevant goods and/or services at same sex weddings. Photographers, florists, bakers, pizza wranglers, etc., who try to take a principled stand against this Gay KK extortion, will be hauled into court where they will lose everything - their business, their home, all their worldly goods - and they might even end up in the slammer.
By now, you should know - we've told you often enough - that these targeted "special" Bills of Rights are a load of Nanny State Nitwit crap. The only way the all powerful Nanny State can confer new "rights" on airline passengers, home buyers, car buyers shoppers or GLAAD BAAGs is by repealing the inalienable rights of the relevant capitalists. That's a given, but, for the rest of this rant, we're going to throw that element of objective reality under the Election Cycle Bus and channel our elusive, but theoretically possible, sensitive side.
For some egregiously victimized alleged individuals, there's a fatal flaw when it comes to 'rights' as envisioned by the Founding Fathers. For these tragic 'victims', the original Bill Of Rights wasn't good enough? Why? America's one-size-fits-all Bill of Rights isn't custom tailored to their particular brand of Victimhood. The problem, they bellow, is that certain oppressors, the whiners insist, have too many rights, so, quite frankly, certain oppressors should no longer be allowed to exercise certain elements of their inalienable individual birthright. In order to lift the oppressive yoke of self-induced misery from the shoulders of these tragic victims of unbridled inalienable liberty, a new Bill of Rights that recognizes their "specialness" needs to be formulated.
With the Capitol Hill Clown Posse much too busy turning this land conceived in liberty into a third world pesthole, your friends here at the Free State Of PIG, Hambo and Porcus, have decided to pick up the ball where James Madison dropped it, and carry it across the goal line of 21st century victimhood.
Our starting point is obvious. We've decided that some groups are being picked on and the Nanny State Nitwits are ignoring their special needs. The first group that comes to mind, one that has been under unrelenting assault by the Fat Nazis, are this nation's rapidly expanding (pun perpetrated deliberately) wide loads. We think it's time to make life easier for them, by giving them some Wide Load Bill of Rights covering fire.
Here are some items that might be added to our proposed Wide Load Bill of Rights
1) Food purveying capitalists must move all those wide load favorites to the front of the store, to liberate these plodding human hippos from taking those extra steps. Let those scrawny twerps search the back of the store for yogurt, veggies and all that 'healthy' crap.
2) Grocery store aisles must be widened. Favorite wide load grazing grounds should have a 'high occupancy lane' to give the wide loads ample room to load up on Fritos, Lays, Ding Dong's, Ho Hos, Twinkies, cakes, pies, candy and ice cream.
3) Foods with actual nutritional value should be marked with a skull and crossbones. This will prevent some wide load from accidentally buying food that might GASP be good for him, her, himher or it.
4) A system of tonnage credits must be established, allowing wide-loads to purchase the unused pounds allotted to each individual by the government's nominal weight charts. Using this system will allow the wide load to buy their way into the 'normal weight' range cited by health insurance providers, without being forced to go on a diet.
5) Deliberately, willfully, removing transfats, sugars, and calories from favorite wide load eats will be considered a hate crime.
Another group that is vilified mercilessly by the terminally impatient motorist on America's highways and byways are those individuals who are maligned as Bad Drivers. Here are some of the items that must be included on a long overdue Bad Drivers Bill of Rights.
1) Car makers should be forced to include a telepathic interface in every car. This would absolve the differently-adept road warrior from such mundane tasks as turning on AND OFF their turn signals.
2) Car makers should install VERY LOUD sound system, that bellows "Lane Change Imminent" and/or "back off 15mph is as fast as I'll go", when the need arises.
3) There should be a mandatory 5 minutes, minimum, wait imposed on each car that approaches a 4-way stop.
4) All highways in America must be equipped with a triple-wide, padded on both sides, lane for those drivers who can't motor in a straight line while they read, send text messages, or put on make-up while driving.
5) A system of sobriety credits should be established for differently-sober drivers. When a drunk gets stopped for motoring while gunned to the gills on adult beverage, this sobriety credit system could save the day. Purchased from avowed non drinkers, these sobriety credits are deducted from the gassed driver's drunk-o-meter reading, rendering the drunk as a skunk driver sober, in the eyes of the law.
Are you feeling left out, Sparky? Fear not, we've got your back, so don't get your butt in an uproar, Cheeto's breath. Just for you, we've come up with a Couch Potato Bill of Rights trifecta.
1) "Honey do's" are an AUTOMATIC death penalty offense during 'the big game'.
2) All entertainment technology remote controls must be NUCLEAR POWERED.
3) If there's a power outage during prime couch spud viewing hours, the egregiously maligned victim is entitled to grab Old Betsy and execute at least one public utility 'suit'.
Hate Crime laws are another popular Nanny State vehicle for special rights. In bygone days, PIG has been a harsh critic of these laws which, in our oppressor eyes, smacked of coddling the chronically offended. Now that we've seen the light, we think it's time to kick it up a notch and confer some of these special hate crimes rights on the people who really need it:
Cell Idiots should be granted special Rights via our Hate Crimes Laws. This will give the cell idiot legal recourse when some enraged Hambo-class rational adult who threatens to "Shove that damn thing up your ass if you don't stop bellowing into it".
Girliemen should be empowered to invoke "Hate speech" and/or "hate crime" whenever some cultural neanderthal points out certain anatomical deficiencies in the girlieman by telling the whole world they need to GROW A PAIR.
Intellectual Flatliners AKA The Synaptically-challenged can seek hate crime prosecution when someone repeatedly maligns them with such vicious slurs as "moron", "dumbass", and other hateful terms of that ilk.
In addition to some badly needed 'protection' from hate speech - and such hate crimes as I.Q. Testing, and jobs that require regular synaptic firings - Intellectual Flat-Liners would have the following item on their "I'm Not a Smart Man" Bill of Rights: Since they are egregiously under-represented in certain well-known Egghead infestations, the synaptically-challenged must be given a place at the table in American think tanks.
Border jumpers, those selfless individuals who are doing the jobs that Americans won't do, would have the following item on their Border Jumper Bill of Rights: A stretch limo must be made available for their use at to drive them from the place where the invaded the USA to the nearest welfare office.
In certain occupations - subprime lending specialists, lawyers, politicians, journalists, salesmen - success is directly proportional to their skill at prevarication. Therefore, anyone in these occupations should be automatically absolved, shielded, from any legal ramifications for the whoppers they spew while taking care of business. To git 'r done, any Prevaricating Punk Bill of Rights must include the following item: As long as they display a government-issued image of bovine butt-bullets in their place of business, these professional prevaricators can say anything they want, or need, to conclude their transaction, and not be held accountable for the predictable results.
Nobody needs a special Bill of Rights more than those tortured souls we call 'the Beautiful People'. Here's an item for their I'm Hot, You're Not Bill of Rights: Hotties who cannot find, or afford, one will be assigned a genetically-challenged wench for her exclusive use when she needs a butt-ugly best friend to enhance her own beauty when going out in public.
Have we beaten this special rights horse enough to give you the big picture, what the hell are those PIG dudes smoking Sparky? Yup. Are we the least bit apologetic for yanking your chain? Nope.
While we're on the subject of rights, here are some of the basics:
1) The United States Constitution delineates, with considerable specificity, the limits under which our government operates. It does not include an exhaustive list of inalienable individual rights.
2) If an item is included in the Bill of Rights, that does not mean that the government ever had a Constitutional mandate to restrict it in the first place.
3) According to the Ninth Amendment, individuals have countless rights that are not listed in the prior amendments, rights that the government must respect.
4) Governments don't bestow rights on individuals. Individuals are born with a full compliment of rights. The only thing government can - and will - do is to infringe upon an individual's inalienable rights.
5) Inalienable individual liberty is not a popularity contest. An individual's inherent - born with the damn things - rights are not determined by the whim of Nanny State tyrants or the latest wild hair "the majority" got up their butts.
6) There is no such thing as an 'inalienable right' - invariably, it's a faux right created by the Nanny State - which infringes on the inalienable rights of another sovereign individual. For example, you do have the inherent right to work for a living, but you do NOT have the inalienable right to make an employer hire you, by using Nanny State coercion.
7) The critical question one must pose regarding rights is NOT "Does the Constitution grant me that right". The salient question on inalienable individual liberty is this: "Does the Constitution, give the Nanny State the power to infringe that inalienable individual right?"
8) Finally, whether you believe that your inalienable individual liberty is a gift from some deity, or you believe that your rights are an inherent element of being human, the fact is that inalienable individual liberty is each person's birthright.
Special rights are an unwarranted, unconstitutional, downright un-American assault on our liberty and we think it's time to put an end to it. It's not the Nanny State's job to protect you from life's magic moments. It's your life, Sparky, and you're the one who needs to man up and deal with its speed bumps. It's called Inalienable Individual Liberty and it's what the Founding Father's had in mind when they drew a line in the sand with these immortal words:
"WE hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."