With the end of their Summer Vacation looming large, students from sea to shining sea are dusting off their thinking caps, then tracking down their bag of magic Educrap tricks so they can pack it with the learnin' essentials. We have the utmost confidence in them, where the basics are concerned, BUT, we're compelled to raise some issues, so they'll be ready for all contingencies.
Before you walk through those cess-school doors, We the PIGs will do our level best to prepare you for the Brave New Educrap World you're about to enter. Part survival kit, part lifeline to the real world, this PIGish prose is a must read for any, all, of you back to schoolers.
Unless you attend one of those cess-schools - and we all know the ones I mean, so don't play dumb on me - you probably won't need a fully-functional AK-47, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't arm yourself. You'll need some of the following items to get you through this war with your mind unsullied by rampaging Cultural Marxism:
* The Cato Institute's pocket-size copy of the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. You need this to remind yourself that you're still in America, not a Marxist Gulag.
* Elephant Tranquilizers to use on that peacenik teacher who starts foaming at the mouth while blithering about its "Hate America" exploits with Cindy Sheehan, Ramon "Martin Sheen" Estevez and Peace Prize Barry.
* A cattle prod (pepper spray is marginally acceptable) to ward off that horndog teacher who keeps trying to grope you.
* A crash course in "Self Hypnosis" is essential if you expect to survive such mind-shattering sludge as "Black History Month", "Womyn's History Month", plus months dedicated to the differently sexual, Sombrero Stomping Colonistas, and Siberian-Americans (So-called "Native" Americans).
Are we taking copious notes, Back to School Sparky? We better be, because a pop quiz is not out of the question.
Upperclasspersons need not feel slappably smug, because, they, too are doomed to do a header into certain annoying changes the Educrats imposed while you weren't looking:
* If you have a teacher named Ms. Danielle Smith that has unusually muscular legs, shoulders that put a linebacker's to shame, thick hands and a large Adam's Apple, something seems wrong. Chances are that last year, Danielle Smith, was actually Mr. Daniel Smith.
* Unless you plan to bring your own, kiss those Ding Dongs, Ho Ho's, Butterfingers, Lays, Fritos, Cokes and any/all fun food goodbye, because the Fat Nazi's are making everyone miserable with their war on student obesity. [You might as well steel yourself for an annoying, egregiously intrusive, Gestapo-class interrogation about your eating habits early in the school year.]
* If you like silly stuff like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, get over it, because they are deemed uncool for school. Easter and Christmas are out, but Earth Day and Gay Pride Day are in.
If you're starting to feel like a donut at a cop's convention, you're finally starting to 'get it', Sparky. Since PIG is here to get you through your ordeal, we'll share a few survival tips.
For starters, you probably shouldn't ask your teacher any of these questions:
* Is it true that the Tennessee Tonnage is so massive that he has his own event horizon which separates the real world from his black hole of liberal suckage?
* Will my Je$$e Translator 7000 decode Ebonics?
* With lookers like Congresshag Rosa L. DeLauro, San Fran Nan, Whoopi Goldberg, and Rosie O'Donnell populating the progressive ranks, is butt ugly a prerequisite for liberal women?
* If I buy a movie camera, gain 400 pounds, stop shaving, and spend my time hounding rational adults, can I call myself a movie maker like Michael Moore does? Does the "movie maker" job description include a 'complete and utter moron' requirement?
* Does a tenured teaching position include a "Marxist Asshat" prerequisite, or am I just having a terminally crappy run of luck this term?
* I'm trying to be thrilled spitless about your "Hating America" summer with Barry and his boyz, but what, if anything, does this have to do with Algebra, Comrade Egghead?
PIG also shares some Dos and Don'ts:
* Bringing a gun, a knife or drugs (legal and illegal) will get you suspended.
* Chewing your PopTart into a gun-like shape then pointing it at someone will get you suspended.
* Any drawing depicting a gun, even the most crudely rendered image, will get you suspended.
* Deploying a finger gun will get you suspended.
* Exercising your Freedom of Speech birthright, outside the campus' free speech zone, without permission, will get you expelled.
* Advocating "individualism", "excellence", "merit", "personal accountability"or "inalienable individual liberty" will get you expelled.
* Identifying yourself as a PIGster might get your executed by a Korrectnik firing squad at high noon. If you feel compelled to read the PIG Primer out loud in class, you might want to invest in a Kevlar vest, first.
* Never say "mine". Korrectnik's insist on shared ownership so the approved term is "ours".
* Don't tell your pal he "throws like a girl". Instead, try to let your differently-athletic pal down easy by saying "This obviously isn't your game. Maybe you should stick to a sport you do well, like drop the soap".
The best title for this section is: 'Guess What?
* The girl's restroom is no longer your safe haven from that punk with the mirrors on his shoes, Larry the Lizard. If he barges into your girl's restroom, your first impulse might be to pepper spray the mutant, then kick him in the balls. We like your style, and that's a fact. Unhappily for you, Larry is calling himself Laurie these days, while claiming he has a GID.
What's Larry's damage? It's called Gender Identity Disorder and it's the cause celebre among Victocrats. Here's how Wikipedia describes it:
Gender identity disorder (GID), also known as gender dysphoria, is the formal diagnosis used by psychologists and physicians to describe persons who experience significant dysphoria (discontent) with the sex they were assigned at birth and/or the gender roles associated with that sex. It describes the symptoms related to transsexualism, as well as less extreme manifestations. Affected individuals are commonly referred to as transgender.
In real life, GID involves some wingnut who isn't thrilled spitless with their plumbing. I don't give a damn what THEY call it. I call it Mad [at my] Nads Disorder. Is it real? Probably, for 1 in 30,000 individuals. For the rest, Mad Nads is just one of those disorder of the month brain farts. It's hip...it's the in thing...it puts you on the cutting edge of victimhood.
It's primary 'perk' is a thrilling one: Mad Nads lets you use any locker room, any restroom, that the tranny wants to use.
If you're thinking this is strictly an adult brain fart guess again. School districts in Mexifornia and Massachusetts have done away with gender-defined restrooms. Anyone can use any restroom in any grade school, middle school or high school. Why? 'We' must coddle Mad Nad nitwits, by letting them swap gender roles, whenever the mood strikes them.
* Your advance placement classes - if they still exist - are no longer a blessed respite from unmotivated, disruptive, and/or what the Eggheads call 'learning challenged' students. Those heady days when the pace of learning was FAST, and the subject matter challenging, are long gone. Why? Because human intelligence isn't properly diverse.
Henceforth, all brainiac classes will be adjusted, to make room for the under-represented groups (based on immutable traits). It will, of course, mean qualified advance placement students will be replaced with unqualified, properly-hyphenated 'scholars'.
* Your school's curriculum has been Korrected. Your history class - if they still have it - has jettisoned things like the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, all of WWI and WWII, plus various other items which are vilified as too white, and too male. Instead you'll be deluged with twaddle about GLAAD BAAGs, whining womyn, and blather about obscure, third world cultures. The goal is to make you hate anything, and everything, American.
This twaddle deluge isn't restricted to your history classes. You'll find it in the reading/writing assignments in English, and it will also rear its ugly head in math problem prose. Junk science has suffocated real science making it full court Korrectnik press.
In Santa Maria (Mexifornia) cess-schools, students must take a Latino/Chicano Studies course. In the state legislature, Jackass Party asshats are working to impose mandatory ethnic studies courses a requirement state-wide.
At the end of last month, Assembly Bill 1750 passed the state Assembly with a vote of 59-20.
Assemblymember Luis Alejo (D-Salinas), the bill's sponsor, said it will seek to identify the best ways to make ethnic studies classes a part of California's education standards.
That means the class would be mandatory but could be worked in by standardizing social studies classes that are currently electives for ninth-graders, or it could be an advanced placement course, or it could take another avenue.
Ideally, Alejo said, it would be flexible enough to allow for schools to offer broad-scope ethnic studies classes or focus on a specific group like Valencia's Chicano/Latinos studies course does.
[Santa Maria Times]
Are you thrilled spitless, yet, back to school Sparky?
If you're feeling smug, because you're taking the higher Educrap plunge at some Ivory Tower, here are some thrilling tidbits for you to chomp on:
* Diversity grading is all the rage. Since the people EARNING that A aren't 'representative' of the entire school population, the college Korrectniks are looking at various methods to achieve the desired 'propely diverse' results. It's probably going to involve giving anyone who shows up for a class an A.
* That booty call isn't as simple as 'hey baby', then 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am'. For example, there's a butt load of red tape:
Legislation passed by California's state Senate in May and coming before the Assembly this month would require schools to set a uniform standard for consent that could be used in investigating sexual assault allegations.
The bill, known as SB-967, says:
"Affirmative consent means affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity. It is the responsibility of each person involved in the sexual activity to ensure that he or she has the affirmativeconsent of the other or others to engage in the sexual activity. Lack of protest or resistance does not meanconsent, nor does silence mean consent."
It also states that "affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time. The existence of a dating relationship between the persons involved, or the fact of past sexual relations between them, should never by itself be assumed to be an indicator of consent."
The accused also could not use being under the influence of drugs or alcohol or recklessness as an argument for believing the complainant, according to the legislation.
It also is not consent if the complainant was asleep or unconscious, was unable to communicate due to a mental or physical condition, or incapacitated due to the influence of drugs, alcohol, or medication, so the complainant could not understand the fact, nature, or extent of the sexual activity. [CBS Local]
What happens, if you don't get iron clad consent? A dude accused of boinking without permission would get more justice at a Kangaroo Court than he will under what most colleges call 'due process'.
Have We the PIGs killed your school spirit? Good, because you'll start the school year with your eyes wide open.
This isn't your Grandpa's 'little red schoolhouse' and these schoolmarms have their own political agenda. Play it smart and keep your wits about you, because, if you're a rational individual, that Educrap institution is enemy territory.
I think I hear the bell, I mean siren. Now hurry along now, get to class, and cleanse that mind of yours. That's what school is these days, enjoy.