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Tuesday
September 02, 2014

FIRST TIME AT PIG?
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• PIG PLEDGE •
I Pledge Allegiance
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That Founded
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FREE HIM..NOW!

A Forgotten Man
 
The Duffer In Chief traded 5 top terrorist leaders for a man who is, many believe, a deserter.
 
This same Oval Office Pussy won’t lift a finger to free Marine Sgt Andrew Tahmooressi, whose only ‘crime’ is making a wrong turn at the U.S.- Mexican border.
 
Call your Elected Tormentor. Demand that Mexico be forced to set this political prisoner free.

RIGHT ON
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'SKIN THIS!
Washington Redskins Owner Dan Snyder Has Proven Himself A True Warrior By Shrugging Off Korrectnik Thuggery. PIG Salutes ThIs Hero Of Inkorrectness For Standing Firm In His Decision To Keep The Name Redskins. Dan, You Are The Man!
CARD 'EM, DANO

Don't Give 'Em The Finger,
Because It Won't Linger.
Don't Bother To Sass 'Em
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HAMBO FOR PREZ !
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PIG'S GALLERY
 • PIG POLL •
MOONBATS
Which Moonbat Deserves A One-Way Trip To Another Galaxy?

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Michael Moore*
Maxine Waters
Any Kardashian
Occutards
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 *Due To Intergalactic Freight Costs, Tonage, Limited Food &
Oxygen Supply, Michael Moore & Any Kardashian caboose Counts As Two Votes.

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AND THE WINNER IS...
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>>> Read More >>>

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TOP STORY
LAWS & THEORIES
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PIG takes you on an action packed visit to some dark corners of Hambo's mind..

This rant wasn't intended for Page One, but here it is and here it will stay, for at least a week. Why? It started while I was searching for a suitable Top Story theme. Unmoved by the usual suspects - another race-related hissy fit, a tantrum about the on-going invasion from Central and South America - my mind wandered off to a much more compelling phenomenon: the White Blight.

I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. It - White Blight- has nothing to do with oppressors (aka whitey). 'White Blight' is a Hamboism for a curious observation: there's a 70% likelihood that the asshole who is tailgating you, cutting you off, or is just being a dick is driving a white car. 'White' denotes the color of the vehicle. 'Blight' warns you that a complete asshole is in the driver seat.

Did I just call everyone who drives a white car an asshole? Nope. I simply stated my conviction that an overwhelming majority of assholes prefer white cars, with silver cars running a distant second on the asshole car color preference roster.

Armed with 'White Blight', I wrestled with a thorny decision. Is this a suitable candidate for a law? Or, is it the newest Hambo theory? It lacks the requisite decisive quality needed by a law but it's a tad too proven to be a theory. After thinking it over, I concluded that it fits best with theory.

So what? In my case, with my Top Story musings at a dead end, I decide to expound upon my laws and theories. Among other things, it gives our table another week to relax, since this topic is devoid of table pounding prose.

Since we're already in 'theory' mode, here are a few for your thoughtful consideration:

Theory: Newton's Dirty Little Secret

"Don't be a schnook, you know you're gonna look."
-- Ziggy "The Brain" Kowalski

One of Newton's least known laws, states that sweater puppies create their own gravity well, after they cross a certain 'size' threshold. Women, by and large, have a natural immunity, but men don't. That's why, no matter how hard a dude tries, no matter how gross the sweater puppy packer, the bigger they are, the more impossible it is for him not to stare. It's not bad manners, it's science, Sparky.

Theory : The REAL reason NO-NADS hate men has nothing to do with 'the patriarchy'. NO-NADs hate men because dudes can take a whiz, standing up.

I had my moment of clarity during an outing with some friends. Having ingested the requisite quantity of adult beverage, nature called. The truth 'hit' me when Ziggy "The Brain" Kowalski bailed out of the car to drain the weasel behind a nearby tree. One of the females present expressed her profound disgust for this advantageous bit of male physiology with an impressive burst of Ziggy bashing profanity.

Eureka! NO-NADs hate men because the male of the human species is suitably equipped to take a standing whiz. Relief is a simple matter of zip, whip, whiz, shake, tuck, zip, get on with the business at hand. We're in and out, in a couple minutes, while SHE is still in that line outside the ladies room. That's when the penis envy reaches critical mass.

This wang envy gnaws at them, growing stronger every time they must stand in line, waiting, endlessly, for the women's room while HE is in and out of the men's room in a heartbeat. Eventually it unhinges the poor darlings completely.

You'd think that they'd be feeling smug because they outlive men, but NOOOOOOOO! They're eaten up with jealousy, because men can take a standing whiz. Isn't it about time they got over it?

Theory: Explaining The One

I've hatched a new theory about Messiah Barry.

It starts with a good time loving, dope smoking, dude whose ambition is to spend his life getting high and getting laid. He dreams of a no pressure job, where nobody expects him to do anything but cash his checks and party hearty. His name was Barry.

His happily ever after hits a scowling speed bump, when a hellish, shrew of a woman sinks her hooks into what she considers a diamond in the rough, whom she marries. She polishes her diamond, hounding him into meeting her idea of the right people. When the shrew finished with him, Barry was gone and Barack had, reluctantly taken his place.

Profoundly unhappy, our hero doesn't have the stones to tell them all to piss off. Instead, he lets his shrew wife hound him into a series of increasingly stressful jobs, all of which he despises. Eventually, he's hounded into the most stressful job on Earth and he hates it.

Since he can't tell the shrew to STFU, he refocuses his anger on a nation that put him into that hellish job. He's taking out his shrew-directed anger on We the People and this land conceived in liberty because he's afraid to confront his wife and tell her: Leave me the fuck alone, bitch.

What Barack hates most of all isn't America. What he really hates is his life. He wants to be Barry again.

Theory: Perks and Penalties

I've noticed that Mother Nature has a twisted way of balancing her books. For every biological perk, she imposes a corresponding penalty. Here's a example.

Perk: A male California Gray Whale has a wang that's at least 12 feet long.

Penalty: Despite his impressive 'gear', he only gets laid once a year. First, he listens to months of 'not tonight, honey, I've got a headache'. Then, since she can only get 'in the mood' to hell and gone from the only place a whale dude can get a decent meal, he must swim thousands of miles for a shot at his once-a-year booty call.

Mother Nature pulled a similar trick on us. After giving human males this standing whiz perk, this sick wench was compelled to impose a corresponding penalty. That's why she affixed the troublesome male appendage in front, then made life thrilling for males by giving them a hair-trigger libido that's triggered by visual stimuli. How the hell is a dude supposed to convince some hottie that he 'loves her for her mind', when that tent in the front of his pants is screaming, LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE.

Life is, as many of us have noticed, defined by off-setting conditions. For example, nature is replete with incidents of off-setting natural forces. The thrust of a jet's engine is offset by a physical property we call 'drag'. Electrons moving through a wire are offset by the wire's inherent resistance. Our planet is held in its orbit by a balance struck between the Earth's momentum and the Sun's gravity.

Human biology is also defined by these off-setting forces, what I like to call 'perks' and 'penalties'. Human males get the 'perk' of a standing whiz, plus an 'instant on' arousal mechanism. It's the latter which imposes the penalty. Instant on is an automatic response, which a dude can't always control and is destined to be embarrassing. I guarantee that, sooner or later, every dude will pitch blatant, involuntary, 'wood'.

Human females get the 'perk' of being multi-orgasmic, but it, too, has a penalty. Unlike the male, there's no 'instant on' feature, so, before she can go off like a 21-gun salute, someone has to coax her nads into a cooperative frame of mind.

Once you set your mind to it, you'll notice perks and penalties cropping up everywhere. It's what 'they' mean by 'life is a series of tradeoffs'.

What: A Citizen's Right to Vote
Perk: As an American citizen, you get to pick the Elected Tormentor(s) who will represent you.

Penalty: Every intellectual flatliner gets the same perk, which explains how an unabashed Marxist Messiah won the keys to the Red Shed's Oval Office.

What: Inalienable Individual Liberty
Perk: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Penalty: Those selected to preserve, protect and defend your liberty are the ones most likely to trample on it.

What: Mexifornia
Perk: It's blessed with countless natural wonders and mild weather.

Penalty: It's populated by a critical mass of raving moonbats who, invariably, punch a chad for some rampaging, Marxist.

What: "No Assembly Required"
Perk: The salespunk assured you that your new whizbang is "so easy to install that even a child can do it."

Penalty: There's never one of the smartass snot-gobblers around when you really need them.

By now, you should have the big picture. All things considered, Perks & Penalties aren't a fate worse than death, if you're paying attention. You need to train yourself to look past the perk, which is always front and center, to check out the penalty that's lurking in the shadows. Study the perk and penalty closely, critically, then ask yourself "Is it worth it?"

With an increasingly lawless government, and a growing lawlessness among various elements of the parasite horde, I stepped into the void, with some laws of my own. Here are some pertinent examples.

Hambo's Character Building Axiom
Although character building begins when things go wrong with your 'best laid plan', it's not an official character building episode, until you start swearing.

Hambo's Technology Axiom
Eventually, all programmable whiz bangs will be hit by the twin terrors of technology: a computer virus and a porn application.

Hambo's Media Circus Law
No news story qualifies as a legitimate Media Circus, until the Media Slut In Red (Gloria Allred) gets her on camera face time.

Hambo's Political Scandal Law
If the first word out of the news nitwit's mouth isn't REPUBLICAN, you can bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor that the sleazy Elected Tormentor is a Demoncrat.

Hambo's First Inconvenient Truth
The time interval between your purchase of an item and its loss - or destruction - is inversely proportional to the price you paid. In other words, the more you pay, the shorter the time you'll have it: I.E., those $300 sunglasses won't last a fortnight, but that $10 pair will be with your forever.

Hambo's Aviation Law
The words most likely to appear in any headline about a homemade aircraft are "crashes" and "pilot dies".

Hambo's Marketplace Theorem
For every asinine, intrusive, liberty infringing bureaucratic action, there is an equal, and opposite, liberty restoring marketplace reaction.

Hambo's Rural Justice Axiom
You probably won't find Sheriff Andy Taylor in rural America, but every town has its Barney Fife.

Hambo's Law of Promotions
"Anyone but him/her" is a virtually infallible way to determine who will be promoted to run your department. (Simply look around for the one who elicits the strongest "anyone but them" response.)

Hambo's Thespian Axiom
A thespian's ego is inversely proportional to his, her, hisher or its intelligence. (Actors are so full of themselves that they can't see how stupid they are.)

Hambo's Shyster Spew Law
The suckage of a product touted on the radio is inversely proportional to the speed and length of the shyster spew at the end of the ad. (The faster they talk, the longer it lasts, the more likely it is that the product reeks.)

Hambo's Nutrition Theorem
A food's ranking on the Food Nazi hit list is inversely proportional to how much you enjoy eating it. I.E., the better it tastes, the more likely it is that some Food Nazi wants to ban it.

Hambo's Fun Food Fact
The better it tastes, the higher the probability that your doctor would have a hissy fit if he caught you eating it.

Hambo's Warbler Law
The listenability of any singer is inversely proportional to the number of bumping and grinding guys 'n gals on stage with him, her, himher, or it. [The more 'distractions' a warbler deploys, the more their singing is likely to suck.]

Hambo's Defensive Eating Law
When confronted with food you don't recognize, don't be a hero. Wait for someone else to try it first. It's better to be a witness at their coroner's inquest than to be the guest of honor at yours.

Hambo's First Law of Journalism
In the twilight zone called journalism, there are certain givens. One 'given' is that the most likely words to follow a lead about a risk taking dolt dubbed an 'Adventurer' are, in no special order: stranded, lost, missing, injured and killed.

Hambo's Need To Breed Law
Anyone can spawn, but those who are least prepared for parenthood are the ones who are most likely to play reproduction roulette with the human gene pool.

All these deep thoughts are giving me a headache, so I'll wrap this up and chill with an ice cold one. As for you, PIGster Sparky, sit back and marvel at my compelling wisdom.

Holy Enlightenment, Batman.


• PIG's Weekly News Digest
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• HAMBO'S HAMMER
Have you been Hambo'd today? Every day, PIG's insane editor posts a sample of what's on his alleged mind.
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GOSPEL: PORCUS PITCHFORK

• PORCUS PITCHFORK
'Fork Off! From time to time, whenever he's mad as hell and can't take it anymore, Porcus just says, 'Fork You!
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PIG'S POSTING SCHEDULE
PIG'S PIC OF THE DAY

Why

• EYE OPENERS:
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d It To:
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Image Source
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WORD OF THE DAY

HYPOCRITE, n.

1) A "limited government" Capitol Hill cretin who exempts himself from the laws he perpetrates except when he sets his own salary. 2) A FLOTUS who pontificates about celery stalks, carrot sticks and apple slices, for We the People, then plays hostess at a Super Bowl party where the food is an artery clogging menu that's an extra-wide load's wet dream. 3) A POTUS whose most famous pronouncement is "I won", who ignores his own relentlessly divisive, unrelentingly partisan, antics, then whines about divisiveness and partisanship in politics.

"Joan Rivers....old battle ax was like NEVER gonna die right? She was like the 6 billion dollar woman most of her was likely artificial anyway. So then she gets caught on camera calling Obama a fag and his "wife" a transvestite and....now she's in a coma???? I smell conspiracy."
– Jenn

If Valerie Jarrett is calling all the shots for Barry, doesn't that make that Marxist f**king bitch America's first female POTUS? Who gets to tell Shrillary?

The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton

• Southern California beaches saw the biggest waves in twenty years Friday as Hurricane Marie roiled the Baja, creating twenty-foot waves. Some slammed into beachside homes in Malibu. One wave was so powerful that it knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger off his housekeeper.

• JP Morgan Chase bank was attacked by hackers from Russia in retaliation for U.S. sanctions this week. You could easily tell that it was the work of Russian hackers. The security guards found an axe blade stuck in the bank manager's computer screen when they got to work this morning.

• Russia's sports federation met Thursday and began making plans for Russia to host the World Cup in four years. The Russians say they will treat visiting fans just like royalty. Does that mean they're planning to gather up half a dozen of them and shoot them in the basement?

• Russian troops invaded southeast Ukraine on Thursday to seize the land corridor which connects Russia to Crimea below Ukraine. Hope is slipping fast now. President Obama went on TV and promised the Ukrainian people if they like their corridor, they get to keep their corridor.

• The NFL announced Friday it'll suspend a player who commits domestic violence for six games. It's a nasty reputation to carry. Last night, Ray Rice crashed his car into a freeway wall and when police inspected the damage, they asked him how long he'd been dating the car.

• The IRS admitted it erased Lois Lerner's Blackberry after she was subpoenaed to testify in Congress. This scandal could be converted to good use. If the Republicans really want to destroy ISIS they should endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take them down.

• President Obama stunned reporters Thursday telling them doesn't yet have a strategy to deal with ISIS terrorists. It's not from lack of trying. President Obama just spent two weeks consulting with his top advisor, but what does Hank Haney know about eradicating terrorism?

• Somali American Amadi Muhammed became the second American to die in just two days while fighting for ISIS in Syria on Thursday. They were both raised in a Minneapolis enclave called Little Somalia. Five years ago the pirates moved to Minnesota to study under the Vikings.

• ISIS terrorist forces destroyed oil wells in northern Iraq Thursday while they retreated from bombings. It just drew a shrug. So many Americans drive electric cars that ISIS would strike more fear in our hearts if they adopted President Obama's plan to shut down coal plants.

• Burger King bought a Canadian donut firm, sparking rumors it's off to Canada for lower taxes. A new Forbes survey says Canadians are now wealthier than Americans per capita. Six years ago, the U.S. was the world's only superpower, and here we are today, Canada's Mexicans.

• President Obama is reportedly preparing to announce an executive order addressing the problem of illegal immigration. How about a twelve-hundred-mile-long WalMart along the border? Americans can use the front to shop, Mexicans can use the rear to work, and everybody's happy.

• The NCAA college football season got underway Thursday and will end for the first time in a national championship playoff . After the title game, fifty kids who worked on a field all year for free will hold up a ten million dollar check to their school. Had Margaret Mitchell seen today's college football system she never would have said the Old South was gone with the wind.

2nd Amendment Heroine

[10TV] LANCASTER, Ohio - It happened along a walking path in Lancaster.

Dinah Burns is licensed to carry a concealed gun, but she'd only recently started taking her weapon while walking her dog.

Based on what happened, it looks like she'll make a point of carrying from now on.

"I think if they'd gotten any closer, I probably would have fired," said Burns.

It was Monday when Burns was on a footpath near Sanderson Elementary School.

"Two gentlemen came out of the woods, one holding a baseball bat, and said 'You're coming with us'."

The men weren't deterred by Dinah's dog Gracie.

"I said, 'Well, what do you want?,' and as I was saying that I reached in to my pocket and slipped my gun out, slipped the safety off as I pulled it out. As I was doing that the other gentleman came toward me and raised the baseball bat. And, I pointed the gun at them and said, 'I have this and I'm not afraid to use it.'"

The men took off and so far have eluded police. Dinah posted about the incident on Facebook to alert friends and neighbors, to criticism by some.

"Most of the males' opinion was, 'Why didn't you shoot them?'"

Easy to second-guess a decision made under pressure, based on her concealed carry training, and police agree.

"To get out of a situation, back out, get out of it as much as you can without having to discharge your firearm."

"I will say it's a good thing to go from a place of danger to a place of safety, however you get that done," said Sgt. Matt Chambers, Lancaster Police.

"Very thankful that it turned out the way it did, and hope it doesn't happen again, but I will be prepared."

He Didn't Know The Half of It

In 1961 FCC Chairman Newton Minow said this about boob tube programming:

"When television is good, nothing — not the theater, not the magazines or newspapers — nothing is better.

But when television is bad, nothing is worse. I invite each of you to sit down in front of your own television set when your station goes on the air and stay there, for a day, without a book, without a magazine, without a newspaper, without a profit and loss sheet or a rating book to distract you. Keep your eyes glued to that set until the station signs off. I can assure you that what you will observe is a vast wasteland.

You will see a procession of game shows, formula comedies about totally unbelievable families, blood and thunder, mayhem, violence, sadism, murder, western bad men, western good men, private eyes, gangsters, more violence, and cartoons. And endlessly commercials — many screaming, cajoling, and offending. And most of all, boredom. True, you'll see a few things you will enjoy. But they will be very, very few. And if you think I exaggerate, I only ask you to try it."

If Minow called it a 'vast wasteland', then, I wonder what he'd call it now, in this Reality Television blighted era.

31 (B.C.E.) Octavian (Emperor Augustus) kicks Mark Anthony's butt at Actium.

1666 - Eager but clueless, some pyromaniac city minion tries his hand at urban renewal. Later called The Great Fire of London, the ensuing inferno burned for three days destroying 10,000 buildings including St. Paul's Cathedral.

1789 Congress establishes U.S. Treasury Department; color us thrilled spitless.

1792 Taking class warfare to murderous extremes, Cranky Parisian cheese munchers, go on a rampage, drag nobles and clergy out of jail then slaughter them.

1901 Teddy Roosevelt coins the phrase, "Speak softly and carry a big stick."

1930 Sedentary humans ride first non-stop Europe to US airplane flight (37 hours).

1945 Ho Chi Minh celebrates the formal surrender of Japan to Uncle Sam, by giving Surrender Monkeys the finger while declaring Vietnam's independence.

1959 American President Dwight D. Eisenhower arrives in Paris, is perplexed when everyone he meets approaches him with arms raised, carrying a white flag.

1963 Substantiating the 'same noxious bull crap in a bigger bag' metaphor, News Nitwits at CBS & NBC expand network news bias from 15 min to 30 min.

1966 Ay Carumba! Babe-o-licious actress, Salma "Hubba Hubba" Hayek, born.

IT TAKES BALLS TO PLAY IN THE PIGDOME
Do you feel entitled to the brass ring, blue ribbon, trophy or ring for merely showing up? Won't work here on PIG's field. Whether it's sports or any other form of competition, if you have the competitive spirit of a warrior and a PIGish sense of humor, click below for our newest Sports Section. Enjoy our cheerleading squad, pictured, we do!
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INVASION OF THE BORDER JUMPERS
For too long, America's borders have been a portal for the unwelcome, uninvited, undocumented, over diseased and crime ridden riff-raff and parasitic hordes. They swarm across our porous borders, from all over the world to pee, puke, spit and poop in our melting pot...and worse. Read More >>>

STEPPING IN IT!
Get your weekly whiff as Hambo serves up a real steaming load to those thart merit this odiferous awad. It's OK to look. It's OK to smell. It's even OK to touch. But for those that have the misfortune of stepping in it, they get...A Steaming Load Award.
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" I am proud to be called
a PIG. PIG stands for
Pride, Integrity, and Guts."
RONALD REAGAN

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PIG CALENDAR

September Is
White Blight Month

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It's time to black flag assholes driving white vehicles...
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VETERANS
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Attention all Veteran's and Active Duty Military: PIG is cordially inviting all Vets, active or retired, at home or in Irak, to send us notes or messages for posting in PIG.

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• ZERO TOLERANCE •
• • • • • • • • • • • Amerika's Schools Are Being Transformed Into Orwellian Wastelands With All-Out Lockstep-Style Assaults On Free Speech, Expression, And Even Innocent Fun By Ivory Tower Eggheads aka Zero Tolerance Zombies
>>> Read More >>>
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• O-CRAP! •

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Welcome to PIG's Outhouse, a new section that contains all the Obama crap that's been stinking up and overflowing our in-boxes. We had to create a new page because you have to actually earn a Steaming Load, and the folks running our Dumpster page don't want to lower their standards.
>>> Read More >>>

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• DUMPSTER DIVING •

NEED TO UP THE VOLTAGE ON YOUR SHOCK TREATMENTS?
THERE'S A BETTTER WAY.
GO DUMPSTER DIVING AND ENJOY PIG'S PRIVATE STASH.
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• SIGNS 'O THE TIMES •
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PISSED! POLITICALLY INCORRECT SIGNS SLOGANS & ENLIGHTENED DRAWINGS. TO PERUSE OUR COLLECTION OF OUT OF THE ORDINARY POSTERS, PICS & GRAPHICS. A REAL PISSER OF A PAGE
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• PIG'S PLAYLIST •
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PIG DECIDED TO TURN UP THE VOLUME MORE THAN A FEW NOTCHES BY UNLEASHING OUR PLAYLIST OF WHAT WE CONSIDER NOT JUST GREAT, BUT WAY INKORRECT TUNES.WE'RE SURE YOU WON'T EXPECT "RING AROUND THE ROSIES" OR "WE ARE THE WORLD'" MAKING OUR LIST. TO TUNE IN,
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• TOXIC TOONS •
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SICK OF DRABBLE AND DILBERT IN YOUR FISHWRAPS FUNNY PAGES? WELCOME TO TOXIC TOONS, HERE WE EXPLORE THE TOXIC SIDE OF TOONING AROUND
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• PIG PIN-UPS •
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IF YOU LIKE EYE CANDY, KEEP YOUR SHIRT SLEEVE NEARBY TO WIPE THE DROOL OFF YOUR CHINS. ENJOY.
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• TOE-TAGGED •
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NOTABLE PASSINGS
TO MOST, WE SAY FAREWELL. TO A FEW OTHERS, WE WONDER WTF TOOK YOU SO LONG.
BON VOYAGE.

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• FRIENDS OF PIG •
If you're ever in Las Vegas, and experiencing hunger pangs, and just have to have something hot, fresh and juicy, check yourself into:
The Heart Attack Grill
Tell 'Em PIG Sent You
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LOCK AND LOAD
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WOODPILE REPORT
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STRANGE POLITICS
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SAY NO TO P.C.B.S
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ANTHONY'S SOAP BOX
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KNOTTING KORRECTNIK KNICKERS SINCE 2004.
HOLY REALITY CHECKS, BATMAN!



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