MOTHERHOOD, n.
Commonly confused with the physical act of giving birth, motherhood is the long process of nurturing a child through life's initial stages to properly prepare them for an independent existence as an adult.
(PIG's Dictionary of Words and Phrases)
Before we get disgusting and PIGish about some differently-maternal moms, we need to clear up a couple pesky points about motherhood. Motherhood, the kind of motherhood that made you PIG-worthy instead of Hambo bait, is more, much more, than the act of giving birth. Giving birth is a fact of biology that applies to females of every animal species on this planet. When you get horizontal and squishy often enough, urpdom and the ensuing birth are two of the likely consequences. Call us names, if you must, but giving birth, motherhood if you prefer, should be more meaningful, more thoughtful, than, "oops".
Motherhood is more than that. Mom is that woman - who may not be your biological mom - who tucked you in at night. She's the woman who took you to the doctor when you were sick, and patched up all those childhood bumps, cuts and bruises. She played referee when you got into a fight with your siblings. She went to your ball games, recitals and school plays, cheering loudly when you struck out, sang loudly off key, or flubbed your lines. She's the woman who made you shut off the boob tube and shoved a book in your hand instead of that TV remote. Mom is that woman who was there when you needed her. Mom is more than biology and that's why you should honor her.
Now that we've settled that pesky issue, we can get down to our PIGish business. All of that is nice and nostalgic, and if you think we're going to bash anyone who has earned to honorific 'Mom', you're wrong. However, this is PIG, not Hallmark, and this week's Top Story dares to expose motherhood's dark underbelly: those breeders we refer to as "Real Mother's".
Now that we've identified what motherhood is, We the PIGs are going to kick it up a notch, by suggesting some improvements, upgrades to mom's special day. Here in the Free State of PIG, we're dealing with mixed feelings about this annual speed bump on the American Calendar. Does mom deserve props? You bet. Does our gratitude extend beyond the act of giving birth? Hell yes. Mom is more than a baby factory. In our considered opinion, giving birth is far down the list when it comes to mom's contributions to our character.
Our first upgrade to make Mothers Day properly PIGish involves giving mom her props every day of your life.
Motherhood, real motherhood, isn't biology. It can be performed with equal, or superior, ability, by a mother whose children were adopted. Motherhood, real motherhood, is the day in, day out, nurturing that a mom bestows on her children. Genuine motherhood requires the woman to be part cheerleader, part disciplinarian, part teacher, part nurse, and part referee. This kind of motherhood deserves to be honored more than one day a year. It should be acknowledged, honored, every time you employ one of those lessons that mom taught (continues to teach) you which smooth over life's inevitable speed bumps.
A properly PIGish Mothers Day would include a list of "we know what you did and we're not the least bit amused" mothers whose reproductive antics are unforgivable.
Our second upgrade to Mothers Day confronts a hard truth. Motherhood is a very demanding role, one that, quite honestly, is not suitable for EVERY woman.
Hambo's Law of Motherhood:
Those females least qualified to perform the demanding, lifelong, role of 'mother' are the ones most likely to perpetrate childbirth, early, and often.
We hear you swearing out there, but we are trying to ignore it. This bit of Hambo wisdom is proven, conclusively, by Dina "I stage-mothered my daughter into a drunken slut" Lohan, and Lynn "my 15 year old daughter got urped" Spears, mother of Twatney "I shaved off my hair during a memorable meltdown" Spears.
Kicking it up a notch or two, we need to face the hard facts that some women who exercised their inherent biological option to perpetuate the (presumably) human species did humanity wrong, big damn time. Do we really want to give Mothers Day props to the women who spawned the likes of Joe Stalin, Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, Mahmoud al-Gilligan and Kim Jong Il? Do we really want to give Mothers Day TLC to Mama Obama for spewing an America hating commie named Barry? Does anybody think that Ma Carter deserves kudos for inflicting Jihad Jimmy on us?
To simplify this upgrade, we created a four-tiered system.
Stage 1 includes women who should never be allowed to breed, let alone rear a child.
Stage 2 focuses on those egregiously unsuitable for motherhood Stage 1 women who breed anyway.
Stage 3 is reserved for those women who produce one - or more - allegedly human horrors.
Stage 4 paints a bull's-eye on those singular alleged females who are what Porcus O'Publisher calls real "Mothers". They embody all the nasty baggage inherent in Stage 1 plus that something extra that is implicit in the complaint, "That test was a real MOTHER..."
Confused? Fear not, we're going to give you a rundown on each category.
A Stage 1 Mother is a female who embodies the phrase "Stop this woman before she breeds". We're willing to stipulate that offspring of a Stage 1 mother need not be a menace to society, but let's be honest, the odds of them being rational adults are at best, daunting. Paris "The Skank" Hilton is a prime example of a Stage 1 female.
A Stage 2 Mother is a Stage 1 Mother who embodies the Twatney Spears song "Oops, I Did It, Again". Stage 2 Mothers are usually self-absorbed bubble heads who have no business trying to raise a child. Octomom is the poster pussy for Stage 2 Motherhood.
A Stage 3 Mother is breeder who hatched a blight on the human gene pool. Stage 3 Motherhood is, to put it bluntly, a compelling argument for RETROACTIVE birth control. Some prime examples include the breeders who perpetrated Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, Charles Manson, Idi Amin, and Osama bin Laden. Stage 3 Mothers also include the women who spawned such prime candidates for Darwinian de-selection as Michael Moore, Hugo 'Skipper' Chavez, Mahmoud al-Gilligan, Kim Jong-il and Keith Olbermann.
A Stage 4 Mother is the breeder whom Porcus has labeled 'Real Mothers'. She's usually a Stage 1 female who was matriculated to the lofty heights of Stage 4 Motherhood. Stage 4 Motherhood is epitomized by the Queen of Stage 4 Motherhood Kris "Media Whore" Kardashian-Jenner, the twat who spawned Kim "Porn Star" Kardashian, Sasquatch Kardashian, and Kourtney "Baby maker" Kardashian.
The next PIGish upgrade lionizes outstanding mothers on Mothers Day.
If our new, improved, Mothers Day includes brickbats for those baby factories who should have "just said no" to motherhood, we're obligated to give bouquets to mothers whose offspring enrich our lives. Topping our list of Mothers Who Deserve our Profound Thanks is a woman named Patti Patton-Bader. Her qualifications are impressive:
Patti Patton-Bader has two sons who served in the military, both of whom did tours of duty in Iraq. She's also the surrogate mother of "tens of thousands" of our fighting men and women around the world, through a group she founded - America's largest all-volunteer military support organization - Soldier's Angels.
She's a winner of Microsoft's 'Above and Beyond Award', and, in 2008, she won "America's Favorite Mom", a richly-deserved title that comes with a $250,000 cash prize. Typically, Patti used that folding green to send more care packages to our warriors, plus she used part of it to build 'a ranch where soldiers could relax with their family the week they return from duty'.
PIG thinks Mothers Day would be vastly improved if we heard a lot more about, gave proper recognition to, mothers like Patti Patton-Bader. Her story, and similar stories, should be the lead item on every Mothers Day newscast.
Our properly PIGish Mothers Day must honor outstanding mothers throughout history.
A properly PIGish Mothers Day would also honor those moms of bygone days whose sons' and daughters' contributions continue to Emerilize our daily lives. We might call this the Motherhood Hall of Fame. For this honor we would, of necessity, consider the moms who nurtured those exceptional individuals whose life's work still enlightens, entertains and otherwise enhances our daily lives.
The short list would include the women who mothered such exceptional offspring as: Euclid, Aristotle, Archimedes, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, William Shakespeare, Ayn Rand, Thomas Jefferson, Beethoven, and Albert Einstein, to name a few. Granted, such people were born with certain inherent gifts, but it took a devoted mother to nurture those gifts and help them grow into their full potential.
We need to PIGify Mothers Day with some utterly PIGish awards.
Mothers Day still isn't sufficiently PIGish, so we're proposing some PIG-Worthy Awards to make this annual outburst of sloppy sentimentality endlessly fun. Here are some of our initial award category ideas:
"Most Enthusiastic Mother Award": The unrivaled queen of clown car nads is Michelle Duggar, that woman in Arkansas who has already spawned 20 times. Michelle has a big head start, but Octomom is just dumb enough o give her a run for her money. Stay tuned.
"Hot Mama Award": This award is PIGish in the extreme. The rules of engagement on this one are obvious, but we'll explain them anyway. If you could choose any 'mommy' on this planet to 'kiss' away that boo-boo, whom would you pick?
Needless to say, the heated PIG bunker debate over this one quickly devolved into one of our most memorable melees. Some of the names served up include: Angelina Jolie, Brooke Burke Jessica Alba, Christina Aguilera and Pam Anderson.
"I Spawned E.T.'s Baby" Award: When we created this one, we had Tom Cruise's bride - Katie Holmes-Cruise - in mind. It's her just reward for reproducing with a couch-jumping moonbat. The alleged daddy of the tyke is the best possible proof that E. T. really is living among us.
"Stage Mommy Award": Dina Lohan has a lock on this one. Dina played a vital role in securing a Four Bimbos of the Apocalypse slot for her daughter Lindsay. Refusing to rest on her laurels, Dina has 'mothered' Lindsay's sister, Ali, into the poster stick for anorexia.
"Nightmare on Maternity Street": Sasquatch Kardashian is a top contender for this award, so is Skank Hilton, who horrified us, a couple years ago, when she added 'have a baby' to her "That's Hot" shortlist. No matter who finally wins this one, humanity is the loser.
By now, you've raised your glass high to salute your friends in the Free State of PIGs for another inspired idea. Okay, so maybe you're not dancing in the streets or shouting the thrilling news from your roof top, we know that ideas as great as these will grow on you.
Admittedly, there are elements of the 'traditional' Mothers Day festivities that get on our last raw nerve. That's because, as we stated in our first PIGish improvement, we think that mom should be honored every single day, not just once a year. Mom deserves more than a heartburn-inducing breakfast fixed by the eager, but clueless, tykes and a crappy card that someone bought at the last minute.
Our attitude about Mothers Day boils down to this: sloppy sentimentality isn't our idea of 'fun'. But, a "Hot Mama" contest, our 'what the hell was she thinking' rogues' gallery and some utterly PIGish awards are spiffy ways to Emerilize that fun factor. For the boring traditionalists in the PIGdom, there's our Motherhood Hall of Fame to achieve a proper balance between fun and sentimentality.
That's as sentimental as it gets, here in the bunker. Remember or earlier warning: this is the Free State of PIG, not Hallmark. If that traditional claptrap is what you wanted, you took a wrong turn on the information superhighway.
We told you what motherhood is. We proposed a few PIGish upgrades. What more could you want? We now return you to the ultimate, when it comes to being a REAL MOTHER: Objective Reality.
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