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The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) " He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx LIBERALS vs CONSERVATIVES...UPDATEDA conservative will castrate a child molester. A liberal will give a pedophile Viagra. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A conservative will give someone who is in desperate need his or her last dollar. A liberal will give your last dollar to aids awareness after giving the rest of your dollars to the public employee unions. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A conservative will try to keep his car in good running condition. A poor liberal will drive his, hers, or it’s ’62 VW microbus 2,500 miles spewing carbon monoxide and leaking oil to whole way to Earth Day where he, she, or it will decry your carbon footprint. A rich liberal will fly there in a private jet. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A conservative will execute a mass murderer. A liberal will condemn you for that execution as soon as their late term abortion is done. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A conservative will bring back a case of empties when he buys the next case. A liberal will spend $5 recycling a $0.10 bag. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A conservative will vote against anyone, Republican or Democrat, who commits a serious crime. A liberal will vote against anyone who is a Republican. A POTATO STORYWell, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service! Pictures You Don't See Everyday
Must have been McNaughty
Oh Come On, Just One?
Take Me To The Cleaners, Baby!
Major Dilemna In California
Everything You Need For Your Shotgun Wedding
Still Dead, Huh?
Don't Drink And Make Signs THE HOLISTIC APPROACH Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.' The Human Body! It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men are still busy checking their thumbs. A California Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from
Aye-Aye
Blobfish
Yeti Crab
Pink Fairy Armadillo
Left Winged Dingbat THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SWINE FLEW
WAL-MART GOES HI-TECH One day in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10, much cheaper than a doctor." So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though." FREDA cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
AIRPLANES Hand Prop - Start Procedures: This photo is absolutely incredible...
But, can you tell what's wrong with it? Yep, guess you spotted it, too.? Never, never try to Prop - Start an aircraft without chocking the wheels !!! I am sure that caught your eye right away like it did mine. LEATHER DRESSES Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??? Did you ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag! CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAKFour Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee at the Moose. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say... "Oh My God!!!"
OLD DOGS RULE One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says..."Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" Moral of this story ... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience. MOMMY, WHY CAN'T I GET A JOB?
IDIOT SIGHTINGS IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large enough motor' on the opener.. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than two...." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS . IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING: We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS IDIOT SIGHTINGS: When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep.. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said, "Cool"! STAY ALERT! They walk among us... they REPRODUCE.......... and they vote!!!!! REDNECK PICKUP LINES From "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-Fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta Texas. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND.. the best for last! 10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up. CATHOLIC SHAMPOOWhile shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house." OLD BUTCHJohn was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible. LIBERALS vs CONSERVATIVESIf a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!) A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended". OBAMA IN THE BRITISH MEDIAHere is an interesting editorial from someone outside our country as to what is going on! Is It Just Me? Barak Obama and the CIA: Why does President Pantywaist hate America so badly? Obama's problem is that he does not know who the enemy is. To him, the enemy does not squat in caves in Waziristan, clutching automatic weapons and reciting the more militant verses from the Koran: instead, it sits around at tea parties in Kentucky quoting from the US Constitution. Obama is not at war with terrorists, but with his Republican fellow citizens. He has never abandoned the campaign trail. That is why he opened Pandora's Box by publishing the Justice Department's legal opinions on waterboarding and other hardline interrogation techniques. He cynically subordinated the national interest to his partisan desire to embarrass the Republicans. Then he had to rush to Langley, Virginia to try to reassure a demoralized CIA that had just discovered the President of the United States was an even more formidable foe than al-Qaeda. Is he kidding? Thanks to him, al-Qaeda knows the private interrogation techniques available to the US intelligence agencies and can train its operatives to withstand them - or would do so, if they had not already been outlawed. So, next time a senior al-Qaeda hood is captured, all the CIA can do is ask him nicely if he would care to reveal when a major population centre is due to be hit by a terror spectacular, or which American city is about to be irradiated by a dirty bomb. Your view of this situation will be dictated by one simple criterion: whether or not you watched the people jumping from the Twin Towers. President Pantywaist's recent world tour, cozying up to all the bad guys, excited the ambitions of America's enemies. Here, they realized, is a sucker they can really take to the cleaners. His only enemies are fellow Americans and America herself. Which prompts the question: Why does President Pantywaist hate America so badly? A LITTLE STINKERA man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning? He says, O. K., Get in the car with it. Where shall I put it to get it warm? He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. But what about the smell? Just hold its little nose. THE HARLEY-DAVIDSON FACTSThe inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.' Arthur said, 'Yes, that's me...' 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much. 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust . 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!! Psalm For The Messiah Psalm 2009 Obama is the shepherd I did not want. I am still glad I'm an American. Bumper stickers seen on a Marine Corps Base "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has never solved anything.* " U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club" " Water-boarding is out so kill them all!" "Interrogators can't water board dead guys" " U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah" "Stop Global Whining" "When In Doubt, empty The Magazine" Naval Corollary; Dead men don't testify. "The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight" "Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back" "Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!" "What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? .... A little Recoil" "Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"* "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It" "Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon" "It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting" "Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl" "One Shot, Twelve Kills -- US Navy Gun Fire Support" "Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?" "My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college" "Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume" "A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers" "If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran" "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." JOB QUALIFICATIONSMy Re simay To hoom it mae cunsern, I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person. I no my spelling is not too good. My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Sinseerly, Tiffanny PS : Because my resimay is a bit short I sent a pickture of me.
Employer's response:... Dear Tiffany, It's OK honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday PASSPORT OFFICE PINHEADSThis letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough).. You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport office...Remember they want us trust them!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE IN CHARGE NOW Dear sirs, For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin' address.. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for goodness sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a crap whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another freakin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be to damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the freakin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic freakin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate Citizen. P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang ........ However, I have to get someone'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA ! Sincerely, Right in Obama's back yard!! I'm more proud of the folks in the windy city, than I thought was ever possible! By the way, I didn't see the ABC CBS NBC CNN MSNBC covering this - did you? Wonder why...is this censorship by these networks??? Those who have visited Chicago will recognize the downtown area.
THE TREE HUGGER A woman from Los Angeles, CA, who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?' Dear Doctor Phil When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing.. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen,! only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? Thanks, P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Dear Fishing Fool Get rid of that narrow-minded wife. That's a couple of really nice bass! Dr. Phil A REAL MAN'S GRILL
Luke ''The Drifter'' Says: "We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumb by the rest of the world that we went to the polls last November and removed all doubt." THE INTERLOPERA cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California , when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog. WILL I LIVE TO SEE 80?I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer, liquor, or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit? HOW TO IDENTIFY A BUDDING PIG DUDEEvery picture tells a story, but, in this case, several pictures show you how to identify that hidden PIGster lurking inside your precious Rocket Boy. Sign One: He’s Passionate
Sign Two: He’s precocious
Sign Three: He’s a notorious lady’s man.
Sign Four( A dead giveaway): He’s a real pisser.
This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succesion when symptoms occcur: "My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, Teddy Kennedy, and Al Gore. If that doesn't scare the s#&t out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life. NRA POSTER BOYThis poster is in a gun shop in Wheatland, OK.
Dear Abby, I am a 13 year old girl from Kentucky and I am still a virgin. Do you think my brothers are gay? HUSBAND WANTEDA lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.....you have no legs." The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,"Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "Rang the Washington , DC - (Dateline March 25, 2009) President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing." In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Democrat pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?" "As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them, said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, We need to show more sympathy for these people * They travel miles in the heat. * They risk their lives crossing a border. * They don't get paid enough wages. * They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do. * They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language. * They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day ~ every day .. I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans ~ I'm talking about our troops! Doesn't it seem strange that many Democrats and Republicans are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops, and are even threatening to defund them? I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!
SAINT NANCY  On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views. Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint. The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted." The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd, Barney Franks and Chuck Schumer, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint." Just when you thought you had all the latest toys! The 16D Rapid-fire Nail Gun by Dewalt. It can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink, when they have the board in the right place just fire away. With the hundred round magazine you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife probably won't ask you to fix or build anything else. ANNUAL COMPANY PICNICFor the Annual Company Outing, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...
Sheila was fired for ordering the cups. DEER MEATA man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. A county extension agent was visiting a farm needed to use the toilet, but he realized that there was no running water. So he ran around back to the outhouse, opened the door, and the hired man was sitting there. But the hired man said, "It's O.K., come on in, it's a two-holer." So the agent went in and sat down. The hired man stood up, and as he was pulling up his pants, some The hired man shook his head, pulled out his wallet and dropped a ten-dollar bill down the hole. The extension agent said, "What did you do that for?" And the hired man said, "Well, I ain't goin down there for just 35 cents." AFFAIRSThe 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!' The 3rd Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' The 4th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' The 5th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.' DO YOU FART IN BED?THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AN D EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY Y GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME A ND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALL Y HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.' I WANT A DIVORCEDear American Liberals, Leftists, Social Progressives, Socialists, Marxists, Obama Supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot. Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name and our Flag. John J. Wall Law Student and an American P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand too. PATRIOT MICROCHIPTHE PATRIOT MICROCHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists. The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead. When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.
The Implantee may or may not be allowed to choose the size. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. Please enjoy the security we provide for you. UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS A GUN IN THE HOUSEThe purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
As John Steinbeck once said: 1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. 2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy. 4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. 5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't 6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity. 7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.' 8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!! But wait, there's more! I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of some one evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The X, 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..." A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from t he New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH DOGSHave you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit? Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away? Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed? Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire? Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away? I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth. And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right .. . when impending doom is upon us . . they'll always try to warn us....
GOOD BOY!!! SWINE FLEW ON WILL ROGERSWill Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING OLDER... Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGEAn archeological team, digging in
SWINE FLEW ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS Why I do not tolerate the Politically Correct movement. Above all else, I consider it the most egregious violation of my First Amendment rights. I have heard so many people claim their rights are being violated when someone, rightly or not, criticizes them. If you cannot tolerate a bit of criticism you are probably dead wrong from the start. Shouting down someone’s attempt to explain why they disagree with you simply demonstrates your closed little mind. They may be wrong, but odds are there is some truth to what they are saying. PC is criminally stupid. Are there more blacks in prison, yup, no argument. Are some of them there when a white man committed the same crime and avoided prison, sometimes that is true, but then sometimes not – see Rodney King. Are most black victims of crime victims of black criminals? I believe the number is well over 80%. If you howl about the first two while trying to hide the last this problem will never go away. Are men and women different, of course, it’s a stupid question. Does that mean that you can’t find a woman that can do any particular job that a man can do, of course not. It is a true generality that men are better at some things and women better at others. I do not feel at all insulted when a woman points out how I can barely speak well in English much less other languages. At the same time I don’t expect screams of protest when the female representation in my field is very small. I am not keeping them out. Not allowing an open discussion with all the facts (as opposed to inconvenient truths, whatever the hell those are) is the only reason global warming has gotten such a run. When the editor of the Chicago Tribune states that it would be irresponsible to publish both sides, the whole purpose of a free press has been violated. When Uganda stresses abstinence as the best way to curb Aids, and it works, but is not published because it does not fit the free sex thinkers world view, that isn’t PC, it’s murder. My last outrage is over the English only argument. The folks trying to perpetrate the idea, that I should speak another language in my country, want to call me a bigot for telling them exactly where they can put that idea. I have no problem with coworkers speaking their language at work (as long as they are not giggling and pointing at me) as long as we can communicate easily in English. That’s not bigotry, its safety. If I cannot get my point across then people can get hurt and equipment damaged. I maintain that is not the English only crowd that are bigots. It’s the other side. There are approximately 4000 languages spoken on this world. Some of them don’t have a written form. One of those, Navaho, helped win World War 2 in the pacific. I can’t wait to see a stop sign with 3500 variations of STOP and a loud speaker. It is not possible to use all languages or even more than a few. So, who gets to decide which ones we use and what happens to the ones not represented? Since you can’t do it all the only (gag) PC way is English only. SWINE FLEW ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IIWhy I don’t tolerate Political Correctness Part II From Fox News: They're all racist terms, says a A county commissioners' meeting this week over traffic tickets turned into a tense discussion over race when one commissioner said the county's collections office was like a certain astronomical phenomenon. "It sounds like Central Collections has become a black hole," Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said during the Monday meeting. One black official demanded an apology, and Commissioner John Wiley Price, who also is black, said that type of language is unacceptable. At the meeting, Mayfield said he intended his comments to be taken in the context of the scientific meaning, and became upset that he was being misunderstood. AND: Political correctness rules the road in PC has almost no rules. Almost anyone can be offended by almost anything and you have no defense. Note that there is usually one constant rule: if you are a white male you are dead meat. In item 1, above, anyone that can manage to get more than a half dozen brain cells to fire at once knows exactly what was meant. Mayfield was not “misunderstood”, he was attacked by an idiot. In item 2 I guess the editor of the women’s magazine never actually watched the “men at work”. If you actually apologize you are showing your weakness in front of the predators. They will then pick your bones clean and no amount of groveling is going to save you. At that point, since anything you say will be deliberately misunderstood, by nitwits who make it their life’s work to drag everyone down to their level, you can’t even explain what you really meant. Not that they would understand it if you tried. I am a bigot because I don’t believe in reparations, “equal opportunity”, and do believe in speaking English only. I am a sexist because I think a pretty woman is worth a second glance (or 3 while my wife isn’t looking). I am sexually inadequate because I am a gun owner. I am a male pig because I don’t get PMS. I am destroying the environment because I own a diesel pickup truck (that I can barely afford to fill up because no one will shoot the damn bears and start drilling (yum bear meat)). I am a speciesist (what do they ingest to come up with this crap) because I think my life is more important than a spotted owl (haven’t tried owl meat). Rules for dealing with the terminally offended:
1.
Never apologize for being misunderstood. Explain what you meant and if they still wantto interpret it their way tell then that’s their problem.
2.
This one isn’t mine but it bears repeating. Never argue with a fool. They will only bring you down to their level and then you are on their turf.
3.
Always remember that you have the right to free speech in the public. 4. Always speak up. Otherwise the Noisy Nitwits will be in charge. INVESTMENT TIPSIf you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will receive $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American! CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIESVirginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. EVERY DAY IS MEMORIAL DAYI think perhaps that just maybe the only thing that comes close to knowingly give up your life for a country that doesn't know or care, is to watch your best friend give up forty years after that war. Goodbye Kevin God Bless Another friend still drinks himself blind. He shot the basket the little girl was carrying. The bomb in the basket killed her instantly. The Vietcong were holding her parents to make her do it. They killed her parents anyway. Don, I hope your demons are gone. [The original text is contained in the first sentence of each entry. PIGster Swine Flew added his own commentary, which is denoted by an introductory ‘*’. Enjoy.] You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it. You want to build a Statue of Lowell Weicker to commemorate the “Temporary Income Tax”. You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..." You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does. You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy. You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense because he lives in Winsted. You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi. You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies. You actually expect to collect Social Security. You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy. You think the Great Society has actually worked. You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President." You think Ayn Rand is an African currency. Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling. You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family. Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people." You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese. You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore. You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy. You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to. You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post. You know at least one Vegan. You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving. You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock. You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes. You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity. You actually think that poverty can be abolished. You think that Joan Baez had something to say. You admire the Swedish welfare system. You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness." You think the Flat Tax should be at 95% You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic. After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed." You voted for Obama so that no one would call you a racist. Proclamation of Amnesty and Pardon Granted to All Persons of European Descent Whereas, Europeans kept my forebears in bondage some three centuries toiling without pay. Whereas, Europeans ignored the human rights pledges of the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution, Therefore, Americans of European ancestry are guilty of great crimes against my ancestors and their progeny. But, in the recognition Europeans themselves have been victims of various and sundry human rights violations to wit: the Norman Conquest, the Irish Potato Famine, Decline of the Hapsburg Dynasty, Napoleonic and Czarist adventurism, and gratuitous insults and speculations about the intelligence of Europeans of Polish descent, I, Walter E. Williams, do declare full and general amnesty and pardon to all persons of European ancestry, for both their own grievances, and those of their forebears, against my people. Therefore, from this day forward Americans of European ancestry can stand straight and proud knowing they are without guilt and thus obliged not to act like damn fools in their relationships with Americans of African ancestry. Walter E. Williams, Gracious and Generous Grantor
Passenger: Sure. Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please! Passenger: What for? Attendant: For telling you where to sit. Passenger: But I already knew where to sit. Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy. Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it. Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not? Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this. Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you? Passenger: That would be swell, thanks. Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please. Passenger: What? Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee. Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it. Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10. Passenger: No way! Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that. Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me? Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee. Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this. Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you? Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it? Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes. Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air? Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents. Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar? Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go! Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar. Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents. Passenger: For crying' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this? Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory. ONE WORD OR TWOAn elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
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© Copyright 1993-2010 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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