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CONTRIBUTORS CORNER |
PIG has posted such great material on a regular basis from the twisted folks listed below, we decided to inflate their egos by giving them a page of their own. If you are like them, and have entirely too much time on your hands, have some PIG Worthy material, and want to join Team PIG, we welcome your contributions.
• Lone Star
• Bill Taylor
• Double Edge
• PIGster Prime
• Swine Flew |
No 4-letter words!! These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
" He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness."
The winner wrote:
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority,
and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
ONE WORD OR TWO
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
WIT & WISDOM CONTAINED IN MILITARY MANUALS
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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'Aim towards the Enemy'
- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
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'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.'
- U.S. Marine Corps
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'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
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'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.'
- Infantry Journal
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'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)
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'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds'
- Infantry Journal
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'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.'
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.'
- David Hackworth
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'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
- Infantry Journal
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'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.'
- Joe Gay
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- unknown
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'
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'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.'
- From an old carrier sailor
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.'
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If an ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
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'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
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'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.'
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.'
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
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'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.'
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.'
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'. The pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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